#i think that was the purest happiest state of being i've ever experienced | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

madelineeclairee · 5 years

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i honestly don't know

and by I don't know this situation pertains to be very complicated. So, I won't spare the romantics and explain absolutely, mostly just for self-evaluation.

about 5-6 months of it. get comfy.

In High School, a boy who was a perfect sports star, prized boyfriend, and most of all the nice that guy everyone loved. I wasn't friends with him for a lack of group integration, however, I remember I just wanted to see what he was about. Besides being a pretty boy, I don't know why I wanted to start contact honestly, but he snapchatted me first (haha). I was happy and time went by of us being snapchat friends (wow the fucking world now). So fast forward to the end of the summer, about to go to college, and find out I'm living in the same building with his best friend at school and his 30-second walk from me, and me to him. So, likely, I was thrilled.

I remember the day I moved in, after speaking during the summer, he stood in the doorway with the light going through golden brown hair and there I stood knowing this would want to make me end my shit (well in the sense that I catching feelings faster than lightning strikes, yes ending my shit was a strong possibility). However, as time moved on I tried to put in an appropriate effort, and try and win him over, a little crush, I’d say.

However, I find this detail somewhat important, because this is where I saw the boy I knew and how his heart's intentions were always so good. After finding out that his high school girlfriend and he were talking again and I was devasted (like the whole pussy shit crying in the shower thing). And he begged for my forgiveness, without even knowing why I was upset. It was my emotions, as a new friend to him and he begged for forgiveness. And at that moment I saw his purest intentions and this mentality he has to be the good guy and make the people around him happy and to think highly of him. And I'll be completely honest I didn't know at that moment, I was simply confused. not even realzing the beginning of him.

I accepted the apology, and moved with friendship, with the intention to recover from my feelings and transform this relationship to a good old punch on the arm (broooo), (If I don't add humour Ill cry). As time went on our mutual friend that happened to live in my building went through a very tough time that left him out of college and without his best friend. As he described, this was the worst month of his life. It hurts me even thinking about it now and the amount we went through to get our troubled friend safe. And while that was an achieved, this emotionally hit him more than anything ever had. I lost contact for a while thinking that restorative alone time would be good for him (and side note I was fucking wrong about that). And if he was shutting me out, it was easiest for me not to impede on his life, not be a burden, not interfere with his girlfriend.

I don't exactly remember how our contact resurfaced, but when we were back, we were back. Never in my life have I experienced getting so close to someone in such a short period of time.

I took him to the bridge to smoke with my friends and to meet new people in a time where he felt so lonely, and this is where he meets the girl. The girl lives with me and I couldn't help but fake the smiles when their connection was apparent. I loved what she did by uplifted him for a while, but something changed. And I'll be honest it's not even pinpointed as to why, but things fell apart. He fell apart. He would cry in my room, in his, in the library and anywhere else his emotions started to get overly intense for him to handle. And this is when it wasn't just my friendship for him, but my fucking will to make him feel happy again. And every time one of the incidents happened it made me cry, I mean yes later, but for some reason when he was emotionally upset I felt and feel this intense sense of empathy and I honestly don't know why.

After he served ties with the girl, I knew things would change, not just emotionally, but also for our social interactions, but much to my dismay we all hung out as usual, but without the sex intermission at 11pm-12am (somewhere around there). But, it really wasn't much different, besides the underlying love that the girl had for him, which is still present, but not reciprocated.

Starting to evolve into this new man that respected me and expressed what he felt through words and genuinity. We really did just have this telepathy like response toward each other. We didn't usually need to ask what was wrong because we already knew. I would text him, but I already knew the answers. And I mean this in such a good way even though it sounds boring. And honestly, if you have not had the pleasure of getting that close with someone, you're really missing out.

A couple weeks ago my friend, him and I all spent a night, obviously fucked up, asking questions and in return giving honest answers about how we really feel about things we never disclosed to each other. It opened so many doors to talk about real shit in our lives and I got to express how much I care about the two of them. But here's a nice plot twist, she wanted to hook up with him (and quick flashback to when he hooked up with her in my suite with the girl, who I live with and there were together at the time, so yeah). And when I asked him about it, and if he was comfortable, and he replied that this would change how the way I would feel about him forever, and proceeded to ask to have a threesome. Yeah, I was surprised, I mean I had so many questions. I had shut out all those underlying feelings I had for him when I watched him talk to his ex, be with my suitemate and hook up with one of my friends (more than once), and they wonder why I call myself a fucking doormat. But, was/is he attracted to me at all that really got me thinking like a lot. All I have wanted since us getting us so close is for him to have an opportunity to feel happy and enjoy life, so I've tried to help any way I can, even when it secretly hurts me. But just by this question, it started the worst thing. It lighted a spark,

And by a spark, I literally just mean getting wet by the thought of him fucking me, and I do think about it and I'm not the happiest with that at the moment. Being his best friend, I always know first and went I started feeling this way, I started to feel vulnerable because I didn't want him to emotionally put me in a different place. He is someone I can be exactly myself around and I never want to be in the proving myself grey area again because I've done that and I broke down his 10-foot deep wall a long time ago.

Fast forward to today, His roommate walked in today and said that he knew about him hooking up with my friend and he coerced him to tell his girlfriend everything (well they were “talking”, so I'm not mispeaking, of course). And he did. He made the call, and they are over forever, he is upset with my friend for telling someone about it to get back to his roommate, and he has no intention of getting back with girl. So what does this all mean?

I have explained almost 6 months of content but for what? Stating facts doesn't result in understanding feelings at all, but it does help reevaluate where I am. I love him. I tell him every day and I would do absolutely anything for him, but the question I ask to myself so often is, why? I will always take his side, I will think his problems are way worse than anyone, and I put as a priority in my life to just hear his voice and see him every day.

But this is so much more than that. When he hurts, I hurt. When he cries. I cry. If the world came tumbling down I would single-handedly be a forcefield for him, but fucking why. Usually, the love of the opposite sex is so similar, you meet someone, you talk, and you fall in love with them with persistence, and positive emotion, but this has no development of that relationship. This clear as day friendship has turned sexual on my side because of one thing that's been said (I mean and drunk shit last weekend, but irrelevant). But truth be told, I don't know how I feel about him. Why I chose for him to be my #1 priority I have no idea. But the fact that I would drop anything and everything for him it just confuses me. It feels like its something in my subconscious that prioritizes him over anything, So basically he hacked my brain with his undeniable charm (awww).

But I think that my subconscious mind always makes the fight in his defence. I go up against my friends for him because I always just do, without thinking. But one thing I do know, our intentions are aligned like star constellations. We both just want to be happy, while we make the people around us happy, he wants to be free and live his own life, but have someone he can trust and love. And the number of times I've said this to him I realize I just put a big arrow pointing at me, but I seriously don't mean myself. Even though I'm well aware I could make him so happy as my boyfriend, it's just not for him. He needs to take a lap alone.

He's been involved since mid-high school and his chances to be a stereotypical freshman college boy are now here with no one to worry about. I want him to have the opportunity because he loves sex and that's really supposed to improve mood. And after this, we will still be friends, and there's still time because we aren't going anywhere. But the development of feelings vs friendship bonds is such a fine line and it seems my body language and uncontrollably protective attitude has drawn that line much smaller.

He is my best friend, I love him, but I need to express the love in the eight fashion and this is what I call a fork in the fucking road.

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