#i think the worst part of all this pandemic shit for me

[autismserenity]

know someone who enjoys horror stories? share this one! it's true!

hahahahahahahahahaha aarrggghhhhhhhhhh 3,000,000 deaths due to COVID-19 last year. Globally. Three million. Case rates higher than 90% of the rest of the pandemic. The reason people are still worried about COVID is because it has a way of quietly fucking up your body. And the risk is cumulative.

I'm going to say that again: the risk is cumulative.

It's not just that a lot of people get bad long-term effects from it. One in seven or so? Enough that it's kind of the Russian Roulette of diseases. It's also that the more times you get it, the higher that risk becomes. Like if each time you survived Russian Roulette, the empty chamber was removed from the gun entirely. The worst part is that, psychologically, we have the absolute opposite reaction. If we survive something with no ill effects, we assume it's pretty safe. It is really, really hard to override that sense of, "Ok, well, I got it and now I probably have a lot of immunity and also it wasn't that bad." It is not a respiratory disease. Airborne, yes. Respiratory disease, no: not a cold, not a flu, not RSV.

Like measles (or maybe chickenpox?), it starts with respiratory symptoms. And then it moves to other parts of your body. It seems to target the lungs, the digestive system, the heart, and the brain the most.

It also hits the immune system really hard - a lot of people are suddenly more susceptible to completely unrelated viruses. People get brain fog, migraines, forget things they used to know.

(I really, really hate that it can cross the blood-brain barrier. NOTHING SHOULD EVER CROSS THE BLOOD-BRAIN BARRIER IT IS THERE FOR A REASON.) Anecdotal examples of this shit are horrifying. I've seen people talk about coworkers who've had COVID five or more times, and now their work... just often doesn't make sense? They send emails that say things like, "Sorry, I didn't mean Los Angeles, I meant Los Angeles."

Or they insist they've never heard of some project that they were actually in charge of a year or two before.

Or their work is just kind of falling apart, and they don't seem to be aware of it.

People talk about how they don't want to get the person in trouble, so their team just works around it. Or they describe neighbors and relatives who had COVID repeatedly, were nearly hospitalized, talked about how incredibly sick they felt at the time... and now swear they've only had it once and it wasn't bad, they barely even noticed it.

(As someone who lived with severe dissociation for most of my life, this is a genuinely terrifying idea to me. I've already spent my whole life being like, "but what if I told them that already? but what if I did do that? what if that did happen to me and I just don't remember?") One of its known effects in the brain is to increase impulsivity and risk-taking, which is real fucking convenient honestly. What a fantastic fucking mutation. So happy for it on that one. Yes, please make it seem less important to wear a mask and get vaccinated. I'm not screaming internally at all now.

I saw a tweet from someone last year whose family hadn't had COVID yet, who were still masking in public, including school.

She said that her son was no kind of an athlete. Solidly bottom middle of the pack in gym.

And suddenly, this year, he was absolutely blowing past all the other kids who had to run the mile. He wasn't running any faster. His times weren't fantastic or anything. It's just that the rest of the kids were worse than him now. For some reason. I think about that a lot. (Like my incredibly active six-year-old getting a cold, and suddenly developing post-viral asthma that looked like pneumonia.

He went back to school the day before yesterday, after being home for a month and using preventative inhalers for almost week.

He told me that it was GREAT - except that he couldn't run as much at recess, because he immediately got really tired. Like how I went outside with him to do some yard work and felt like my body couldn't figure out how to increase breathing and heart rate.

I wasn't physically out of breath, but I felt like I was out of breath. That COVID feeling people describe, of "I'm not getting enough air." Except that I didn't have that problem when I had COVID.) Some people don't observe any long (or medium) term side effects after they have it.

But researchers have found viral reservoirs of COVID-19 in everyone they've studied who had it.

It just seems to hang out, dormant, for... well, longer than we've had an opportunity to observe it, so far.

(I definitely watched that literal horror movie. I think that's an entire genre. The alien dormant under ice in the Arctic.)

(oh hey I don't like that either!!!!!!!!!) All of which is to explain why we should still care about avoiding it, and how it manages to still cause excess deaths. Measuring excess deaths has been a standard tool in public health for a long time.

We know how many people usually die from all different causes, every year. So we can tell if, for example, deaths from heart disease have gone way up in the past three years, and look for reasons. Those are excess deaths: deaths that, four years ago, would not have happened. During the pandemic, excess death rates have been a really important tool. For all sorts of reasons. Like, sometimes people die from COVID without ever getting tested, and the official cause is listed as something else because nobody knows they had COVID. But also, people are dying from cardiovascular illness much younger now.

People are having strokes and heart attacks younger, and more often, than they did before the pandemic started. COVID causes a lot of problems. And some of those problems kill people. And some of them make it easier for other things to kill us. Lung damage from COVID leading to lungs collapsing, or to pneumonia, or to a pulmonary embolism, for example. The Economist built a machine-learning model with a 95% confidence interval that gauges excess death statistics around the world, to tell them what the true toll of the ongoing COVID pandemic has been so far.

Total excess deaths globally in 2023: Three million.

3,000,000.

Official COVID-19 deaths globally so far: Seven million. 7,000,000. Total excess deaths during COVID so far: Thirty-five point two million. 35,200,000.

Five times as many.

That's bad. I don't like that at all. I'm glad last year was less than a tenth of that. I'm not particularly confident about that continuing, though, because last year we started a period of really high COVID transmission. Case rates higher than 90% of the rest of the pandemic. Here's their data, and charts you can play with, and links to detailed information on how they did all of this:

Here's a non-paywalled link to it:

https://archive.vn/2024.01.26-012536/https://www.economist.com/graphic-detail/coronavirus-excess-deaths-estimates

Oh: here's a link to where you can buy comfy, effective N95 masks in all sizes:

Those ones are about a buck each after shipping - about $30 for a box of 30. They also have sample packs for a dollar, so you can try a couple of different sizes and styles.

You can wear an N95 mask for about 40 total hours before the effectiveness really drops, so that's like a dollar for a week of wear.

They're also family-owned and have cat-shaped masks and I really love them. These ones are cuter and in a much wider range of colors, prints, and styles, but they're also more expensive; they range from $1.80 to $3 for a mask. ($18-$30 for a box of ten.)

#covid isn't over #covid 19 #disability rights #disability advocacy #wear a mask #covid conscious #covid cautious #mask up #wall of words #public health #health care

[writingonleaves]

things you never said (things you'll never say to me) - nico hischier

pairing: nico hischier x original female character

warnings: swearing, sadness, angst, not my traditional fluff folks, very little dialogue, kinda a ramble disguised into a piece lol, google translated german, projection?? is that a valid warning

inspired by + title: "things i wish you said" by sabrina carpenter

word count: 2.8k

author's note: got into my feels randomly for this (incredible) song and decided to write something with it. also a part of @wyattjohnston 's lowkey loverfest 2k24!! hope you all enjoy this melancholy ride and please let me know what you think <3

*****

Nico Hischier has always been a leader. 

You ask anyone in Naters or Bern who knew him growing up and they would say the same thing — he’s a polite, young boy with so much talent and a sensible mind. He may be the youngest of three, but everyone’s always turned to Nico for guidance. With a calming voice paired with a warm smile, it’s rare for Nico to steer anyone wrong. 

And he sees it in himself too. Even when he was a rookie, when the C stitched into his jersey was only a blurred dream, he still felt like he had to lead by example. No one was expecting that of him, he knows that now, but he was a first overall pick, the weight of a losing team’s hopes on his shoulders. If he crumbled, those supporters’ hopes fell with him. His own hope would fall with him. 

It took a few years, a pandemic, another first overall pick, a shit ton of roster changes, a new coach and other things to walk into a locker room that wasn’t used to losing. And Nico prides himself as being a leader in that transition. C on his jersey or not, he would’ve done it. Because he doesn’t know how not to.

Leanna always said he didn’t know how to turn it off. 

When Nico had first met Leanna Spritz, it honestly was one of the worst first impressions he’s ever given. It was the morning after a brutal 6-1 loss against the fucking Flyers. The final score itself was bad, but the fact that it was against the Flyers rubbed more salt into the wound. He knew Lindy was gonna bag skate them all to hell and back the morning after and he just really wanted his cappuccino before to take away some of the bitterness. 

All up in his head, he had crashed literally into Leanna. Before they both could comprehend, her cold brew had spilled. Somehow, Nico got away with an unnoticeable splash on his hoodie and no spillage from his own drink. But Leanna wasn’t so lucky. Her brown sweater wasn’t dark enough to hide the fact that half of her cold brew was on it while the other spilled to the ground. 

“Fuck,” Nico had exclaimed, eyes widening and darting between her now coffee stained sweater, the empty cup on the ground and her red hair that only glistened with the sun rays. “Shit! I am so sorry. That’s totally my fault.”

Leanna had waved him away with a small chuckle as she dug into her purse for stray napkins. Far too nice for someone who now had coffee all over them because of him. “It’s okay. Mistakes happen.”

Nico looked at his watch and grimaced. Shit. He was going to be late to practice. And that would be even worse than usual with their horrible performance the night before. “Listen. I really want to buy you a coffee to make up for my clumsiness, but I’m gonna be late to work and-”

Leanna had nodded in understanding, lips quirked up. “Don’t worry about it. Promise. Go. Don’t be late for work.”

He had been so frazzled that all he remembered doing was blurting out another apology before practically running away, partially from embarrassment but also because he really did have to go. 

A week later, Nico went back to the coffee shop. In the back of his mind was the redhead who he still owed a coffee to. But Nico’s also realistic and he knew he’d probably never see her again. 

While he was patiently waiting in the long line, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He braced himself to interact with a fan, but turned around and was pleasantly surprised by who he did see. 

“I thought that was you,” she had said, pink beanie over her hair and a twinkle in her eye. “Not going to spill coffee again on me, are you? I’m wearing white today.”

Nico swallowed before his brain turned back on and he grinned. “Good eye. And no. I promise I’ll be less clumsy today. And I’m less in a rush.” They were next in line to order and he ordered first before turning to her. She had tried to deny him but he just raised an eyebrow until she gave the barista her order. 

“I’m really sorry again,” Nico said as they had shuffled out of line to wait for their drinks. “I hope the sweater didn’t stain.”

Leanna waved him off with her bright smile. “That sweater has been through too much for some coffee to ruin it. You don’t need to worry, Captain.”

Nico had been shocked that she knew who he was, which, in hindsight, is dumb. He’s not Jack, but he gets recognized a good amount around New Jersey still.

He cleared his throat. “Nico is fine.”

She smiled. “Okay, Nico. Well, I’m Leanna. Thank you for paying for my coffee. You didn’t have to, by the way, especially to clear your conscience.”

“That’s not why-well, it is. But I also, uh, are you in a rush?”

Nico remembers that day so well still, his English failing him despite living in North America for over five years as he basically asked Leanna on their first date right there and then. He remembers being thankful that she took some pity on him with her sweet smile and led them to a table. He probably would’ve stood there stuttering like a fool if she didn’t cut in.

“Nico?”

Nico blinks himself out of his memories as Jack walks into his living room. Sometimes he questions if he should’ve given Jack a key. 

“Hey. What’s up?”

“We have skate,” Jack gives him a look. “Dude, take a shower. Quickly. Or we’ll be late.”

“Right,” Nico says, stumbling over to the shower. As the water’s warming up, his eyes stop at a purple bottle tucked in the corner of the sink. Hair oil. Leanna always joked that she couldn’t live without it. His hands twitch to reach for the bottle just so he can smell the grapefruit scent, but he forces himself into the shower instead. 

He can hear Nina’s voice so clearly. Throw it away, she’d say in their mother-tongue that realistically Nico will never not be fluent in but sometimes is scared will slip away. Nina liked Leanna a lot, actually, the one time they met when she came to Jersey to visit last year. But Nina is also Nico’s sister, and cursed her name many times when Nico called her crying, waking her up in the middle of the night. She had stayed on the phone with him for three hours, letting him cry.

He forces himself to take a shower. To wake up a bit and shift his focus to the upcoming skate and game tonight. They’re playing the Rangers, which is just always a grind. He needs to be all in.

Nico keeps to himself while getting ready for practice, putting on his gear quietly while his teammates chatter about something or another around him. He speaks quickly to the equipment team about his skates and smiles in thanks. He catches a whiff of the perfume of their head of PR as she walks past in the hallway, and Nico swallows. 

Realistically, he knows it’s not the same one. But it’s floral and smells like jasmine, so it might as well be. 

As he’s driving home, he has the radio down low. He was never the one to fuss about putting his music on in the car. Because the world just works like that, a song that he doesn’t know the title to comes on. He hums along, because Leanna always played this song.

Instinctively, his fingers twitch to reach out to someone who won’t ever be in his passenger seat ever again. He can hear her voice, her thigh under his palm. It’s not safe to drive with one hand, she’d say with an amused laugh interlaced in her voice. He would always roll his eyes before giving her thigh a squeeze and keeping his hand there for the majority of their journey. 

He remembers that sentence bringing him comfort when they were driving to her sister’s house in upstate New York. He was scared shitless to meet her whole family for the first time to celebrate her cousin’s birthday. It was below freezing point outside, but his hands were so clammy that one would’ve thought it was summer. 

Leanna had put her hand in his hair at the nape of his neck. He had immediately calmed down. 

He swears if he focuses hard enough he can still smell the green tea shampoo Leanna used. It was always interesting to him, because the first thing he would think of when he saw her flaming red hair wasn’t green tea. It deserved something more bold attached to it. Like orange. Or vanilla. Or coconut.

Because Leanna was exactly that. Bold. Bright. Crashing into the lives of everyone in her path with her bright smile, loud laughter and a personality that sucked you in. 

Nico stops at a red light and absentmindedly looks to the right. His breath catches at the sight of a woman walking a beagle. Leanna always said that once she was more settled down, a beagle was the kind of dog she wanted to get, just like the dog she had by her side throughout her whole childhood. 

At one point, Nico had thought she meant settling down in Jersey. Never did she give the indication while they were together that she had meant London. 

He couldn’t force himself to unfollow Leanna on Instagram after the break-up. He catches himself way too often seeing if she still follows him. She does. And she even likes his posts most of the time. He checks.

Nico shouldn’t be surprised. Even though she cried so much when they broke up and he couldn’t handle it, through tears, she wished him nothing but the best. Even as she was actively breaking his heart.

As he pulls into the parking garage for his apartment complex, he kills the engine and just sits there. He should be focusing on the game tonight. Focusing on how they need to stop taking stupid penalties. Focusing on their positioning in the offensive zone. 

You think too much, honey. Leanna would say, kissing his forehead twice, something she started doing to calm him down. You just need to play hockey. Least that’s what you always tell me. Everything else will follow. 

And he would never admit it out loud — especially to Jonas — but he still repeats those words in his head. He’s not sure if it works, but it’s like a mantra. A routine. And hockey players know more than anyone how important routines are and how difficult they are to change. 

It’s been two months and three days. It’s annoying that Nico can still hear her voice in his head, clear as day. He hopes one day he’lll never be able to remember. But he also dreads the day that he’ll forget what she sounds like. 

He walks up into his apartment and pours out a glass of water, downing it in one go. The sun’s out for the first time in two weeks, and a small smile spills on his lips as he admires the sunlight through his glass windows. His eyes shift to a spot on one of the tables by the window on the right, where it seems like something is shining. His curiosity takes over and he walks over, a reminder popping into his brain that he needs to dust his apartment. Why does dust accumulate so quickly anyways? 

His stomach drops. One of her combs placed nonchalantly behind one of his plants. The shine is coming from the light hitting the red hair caught between the bristles. 

What the fuck?

Nico closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before hastily grabbing the comb and tossing it into the trash. She never officially moved in with him, but she was around the apartment enough to leave some things lying around here and there. He thought he had thrown everything out. Or more accurately, he trusted Jesper, Timo and Jack to do it for him during a particularly bad Saturday afternoon two weeks after everything fell to shit. 

He checks the time and sighs. He needs to nap or else everything will be thrown off. Checking his phone to make sure no one needs him, he plugs it in to charge by his bedside, ignoring a text from Nina he’ll answer when he wakes up.

It’s a text she sends a few times a week when she senses that her younger brother’s having a harder day. From almost 4,000 miles, she still knows. Nico’s always loved his sister, but he’s never felt more grateful to have her as he has in these last few months. 

eins zu zehn?? ❤️

One to ten, it translates to. On a scale of one to ten, how shitty or good are you feeling about it today? 

Nico sighs, responds back with a 6, and wills his mind to rest. 

Somehow, he wakes up decently well rested to his alarm. He stays in bed a few extra minutes, getting his mindset ready for gametime. He chooses to wear the gray three piece suit tonight. One of his more fancier fits. It is the Rangers, after all. 

It was Leanna’s favorite suit of his. She always joked he “ruined the look” when he slapped on his beloved white beanie. I love your hair. I wish you’d show it off more, she’d say.

He digs out the beanie from his clean laundry. 

He always leaves an hour or so to himself before he has to go to the rink. He usually spends it tidying up or doing things around his place to clear his head so he can come back after the game and just crash. 

Today, he replays the breakup in his mind. Or what he remembers of it, since he blocked a lot of it out. 

When you picture your future, do you see me in it at all? He had choked out, holding Leanna’s hands in his for what was the last time. 

It hadn’t helped that she had also been crying as she said her next words. Neeks, baby. It’s not you, it’s me. And I hate that I’m pulling that out, but it’s true. Maybe this isn’t the right time for us. 

Why can’t it be? Nico had said. Why can’t we make it work?

Maybe in the future, if things are different. She had said, biting her trembling lip. But even then, Nico knew they were empty promises. She’s too stubborn of a person to not bend the world her way. She just doesn’t want Nico to be a part of that world.

It’s not fair, he knows that realistically, but oftentimes he wonders if she ever loved him at all. That thought especially rode his mind after he saw her post a story on Instagram earlier last week. It was clearly a soft launch, with her hand in the hand of some faceless guy over dinner. Nico ended up scoring two goals that night out of sheer adrenaline and anger. 

Because all he’s ever wanted was for Leanna Spritz to be happy. Even now. Even after all of this. Even if it’s not with him. 

But fuck, she’s clearly moving on. Why can’t he?

He blinks, collapsing on his couch in the living room and staring at the wall. The last time he heard from her was a month ago, when he had gone down after a rough hit during a game against Minnesota. He ended up only being out for the next two games, but the hit hadn’t been pretty. His chest had taken the brunt of the damage. Everyone, including him, had been relieved that it wasn't more serious.

While he was getting checked out by the trainers the next morning, his phone had buzzed and he almost threw up. 

Leanna Spritz✨

I saw the hit last night. Hope you’re okay. Listen to the trainers. 

Nico was angry. What right did she have to text him that? 

But then, he just felt sad. That bottomless pit in his stomach opened up. He felt nothing but emptiness. 

His phone buzzes, this time with a text from Timo, and Nico takes a deep breath. It’s game time. No more crying over his ex-girlfriend. 

As he’s sliding on his beanie in the bathroom, he catches sight of the hair oil again. He picks it up, smells it, before throwing it in the trash. It lands on the bottom of the can with a final thud. He clicks all the lights off, makes sure he has everything he needs, grabs his key off the hook and shuts the door. 

Two hours later, everyone’s getting hyped up. He gives a mini impromptu speech, Jack slaps his back way too hard and Nico smiles, dimples and all.

He takes a deep breath before his blades touch the ice.

#lowkey loverfest 2k24 #k writes #hockey fanfic #hockey writing #hockey blurb #nico hischier #new jersey devils #nico hischier fic #nico hischier blurb #nico hischier writing #nhl #nhl writing #nhl fic #nhl blurb #nico hischier x oc

[thowawayuntilfurthernotice]

Getting older means accepting the fact that 99% of the media you like was made by shitty people or features shitty people.

A part of me kind of wishes to go back to the pre internet era, where I was blissfully unaware of all the behind the scenes drama and dog shit world views.

Here's the thing, I don't take joy in avoiding a particular show, movie, or game because a shitty person made it or worked on it. But as a Middle Eastern man, it's kinda hard for me to go back to a lot of stuff knowing what I know now.

I can't watch Disney's Hercules without thinking about James Woods hitting on a 16 year old Amber Tamblyn.

I can no longer listen to the English dubs of Devil May Cry, because I can't stand listening to Reuben Langdon as Dante. (For those that don't know, Langdon is an Alt Right shitheel who had a habit of spouting out a bunch of conspiracies during the pandemic on Twitter.)

Yeah, I know it's easy to just say "Separate the art from the artist." but here's the thing, a lot of the stuff I like helped me get through some of the worst periods of my life.

It sucks realizing that a lot of people who I used to admire as a kid want me dead because I don't share the same skin color as them.

#Death of the author #Media Criticism #Media Analysis #Western Animation #Video Games

[serendertothesquad]

OKAY LET ME TALK ABOUT THE ARTICLE NOW.

There is...there is so much to discuss. How do I even start this post, honestly? Current stays winnin' with their long-ass articles but stays bitchin' in the worst way with their shitty-ass paywalls. Fuck paywalls, all my homies hate paywalls.

Anyway, look below the break.

casting calls ended on october 17th they just finished filming

Look, for 12 episodes, that's a hell of a crunch. Proud of 'em, really.

Also, I think we all know what it's gonna be marketed as in the States. If you don't then I'll give you the money to go to college so you can attend my Odd Squad class. It's only fair.

So I guess this explains why Netflix wasn't part of the deal. Either that or those articles I read were wildly incorrect on Netflix being a contributing helper.

...I mean okay, granted they could still be handed off to Netflix, just not in the US because...well, it's Fred Rogers Productions. They'll be damned if they plop their IPs into the hands of any streaming service that isn't named Prime Video.

This also means that maybe FRP will have a lesser hand in this than I thought, which isn't really all that surprising if one looks through their social media pages. Odd Squad was barely promoted on Twitter even before that account went near-radio-silent.

Okay, this is actually kinda interesting. Makes me feel like I should move to the UK just to see what, exactly, appeals to the British there. I mean outside of the comedy, of course.

Also, I know the pandemic affected a load of things about the franchise, but for it to birth an entire-ass new series is just downright insane. Not that insane, because that's how Lockdown was born, but yeah, pretty fucking insane!

...

Wait, Season 4 has 12 episodes? Like an anime? When Odd Squad already has anime elements?

Oh I'm gonna be an insufferable bitch when this comes out. Y'all have been warned.

Hey, hey, does anyone remember when Fred Rogers Productions got in trouble for not meeting grant requirements when it came to Odd Squad? Along with failing in accounting when it came to other IPs?

Pepperidge Farm remembers. I remember. No one else in the fandom remembers, but oh do I remember.

(Odd Squad cost $18 million for Season 1. Sit on that for a minute. Really think about how much that shit would be worth now, especially with inflation as bad as it is. It was a lot back then and it still is for some but it seems like mere pennies now, huh?)

I point this out because the fact that they had to seek out funding from outside sources that were not part of the hellshow of circus freaks that is the US government is absolutely hilarious to me.

You guys are married to TVO too, but you apparently don't like to talk about that. Shit's for people in all of those states that border Canada. Everyone else can go fuck themselves, not my quote.

That aside, though, I do like how PBS airing British media has finally implored them to do a "what if" scenario with their cartoons. It's been, what...decades? That's like swinging the bat long after everyone's left the stadium. Except for the audience, they're sticking around for some reason.

Look, Tim McKeon said the same thing about Season 3 and we all know how that turned out. I pray derivativeness is a virtue that will be buried deep into the ground by the time Odd Squad UK rolls around because we really can't afford to pick 12/24 episodes at random across 100+ of them to pry and copy plots from. And believe you me, I will know the difference between a simple harmless continuity nod and sheer derivativeness.

To put it simply: Sinking Ship and I have very different takes on "the same but also different".

Damn, RIP to Mark. I'm glad he's still working on the show, though for him to step down as showrunner for Odd Squad UK is...well, it's probably the best move looking at what we ended up with.

...I'm probably misinterpreting that. And/or it's journalism being journalism. C'est la vie.

I guess them sending over wardrobes is why Orli and Ozzie aren't decked to the nines in...uh...well, British versions of the Investigation agent uniform. Whatever those look like.

Again, you could say the same thing about Season 3 and we all know how that shit turned out.

I still have optimism, but there's a real damn pessimist side of me waiting to break free.

I'm choosing to believe "socioeconomic diversity" was how they picked about half to 3/4 of the writers for Season 3, because a majority of them either have very small resumes, have never worked on anything with a kid demo, or both.

The difference between them and the kids in this spinoff/new season, however, is that one group sucks and the other one likely doesn't.

(Yeah yeah, I'm making a lot of Season 3 jabs. But it's easy to make comparisons to that versus Season 1 and Season 2. Bite me.)

To maintain continuity with the original series' Canadian cast

Or "we need to have at least one Canadian thing to qualify for all those Canadian tax breaks and subsidies, and also uhhhhhh we're no lawbreakers".

There you go. I fixed it. Thank me later.

Also, they don't mention it, and it probably won't be mentioned until some article pops up in 2024 about it, but rest assured they're talking about Orli here. While I dig her backstory, I'm not so sure if I'm so keen on another audience surrogate after how badly they flubbed Osmerelda within 13 episodes. Granted, this is a different kind of audience surrogate -- Orli's not a "haha relatable funy thing for kids and the 'rents" surrogate, she's an "I'm a Canadian idiot who has never been to this country, please teach me" surrogate -- but still, I'm not so hopeful about them being able to write her well. Worst case scenario, we end up with a character who drinks maple syrup by the bottle, loves hockey, and drops an "eh?" every other sentence.

Oh I'm sensing a load of "tube" puns are gonna be made this season, lemme tell ya.

Okay okay, but real talk, this is actually kinda neat. Gonna be a little weird to see, but neat. The hell needs the lil' kiddie cars when you got trains to ride?!

Hey, hey, you guys remember when Odd Squad first premiered and PBS Kids put out a whole ton of new stuff for it? They had games at the ready and everything? They were so hyped for this shit they poured everything they had into it?

Pepperidge Farm remembers. I remember. No one else in the fandom remembers, but oh do I remember.

Needless to say, they don't really do that anymore for new shows. It's all the same cookie-cutter pre-release formula. When they did it for Odd Squad it was special. When they did it for Alma's Way and Elinor Wonders Why...not so much.

...Oh yeah, and the math stuff, the math stuff is cool, I like that. Here's hoping they can put new concepts into play instead of rehashing old ones.

"just 10-year-olds" the show is aimed at a 2-5 demographic

Now, see, this is where the funny irony comes in. Everyone laugh at the funny irony here. Now everyone cry because this seems more like a fitting comment for if GO! still existed and the show was on it.

Ahhh, now, see, this is where things get interesting.

Those of you keeping up with PBS Kids news might be aware of the network shifting to more short-form content as a way to nab viewers while also cutting costs significantly, hence why we're getting new podcasts and other short-form content in addition to full-length shows. PBS Kids has been in the short-form game since the late 2000s with the WordGirl shorts but they never truly dipped their toes into the short-form format until Elinor Wonders Why's That's So Interesting shorts and the Odd Squadcast came out. Those were the true floodgate-openers right there, paving the way for a host of old IPs being refreshed in addition to new IPs.

I remember when they dropped eight new shorts of two different series and thinking it was an April Fools joke because they were published on April 1st with absolutely no forewarning. I found out the news from someone else who had put the images up on the Wiki and I laughed my ass off at just how ridiculous it was. And then I found out they were real, and I sobbed.

...No wait, not the Meeting. Scratch that. I forgot it's changed dramatically since the days of yore. Moving on!

Whether this comment means we'll be getting Season 2 of the Odd Squadcast (which, y'know, is unlikely now), Season 3 of OddTube (ah, now that seems more likely), or more shorts outside of the two series we already have (Gadget Testers and Book of Games) is unknown at this point. But if anything, news is gonna break during upfronts like the TCA Press Tour and the PBS Annual Meeting.

It'll air in a year and they're already milking it for all it's worth. Byootiful. Clearly they have not learned from the last time they did a dramatic franchise shift and it paid off. AHEM MOBILE UNIT AHEM.

If they wanted to, they could grow some balls and go for broke. Do 28 more to be on par with Season 1.

No but seriously, I love how the fate of Odd Squad UK is so contingent on ratings. Let's not forget how Ready Jet Go and Let's Go Luna got unfairly sniped with no reason given (and then they brought back RJG with a movie like they still cared...lol get rekt) and let's not forget that they could easily do the same with Odd Squad at any time in spite of its ratings. They revived Super Why back from the dead, they revived Clifford back from the dead...they did it with Odd Squad and it's only been a wee bit over a year.

------------------------------

I'm not really opposed to Odd Squad being set in other regions -- it probably does better internationally than it does in the States, but we have no way to know that for sure -- but they're acting very sus with this portion specifically. I've got my eye on them.

All in all, this article has me pretty excited for the new spinoff/Season 4/how the fuck am I supposed to market this. Shame it's supposed to air in late 2024 (though maybe it'll air on CBBC in the spring because of that casting call...holy fuck I just thought of that as I was typing this post, real shit, lemme get my poker chips and bet on this RN) but I'm hyped for it either way and will happily lap up any and all press coverage on it until it airs. 2024's gonna be a big year.

If you guys reading this find any news on it, send it to me through an ask or a submission! We've got one more month before we launch into 2024 and if my theory about CBBC airing it earlier is true then we'll have to really be on the lookout for it as soon as January.

#odd squad pbs kids #odd squad #pbs kids #seren speaks (about odd squad)

[thebroccolination]

So, I have a theory about GawinKrist and Gawin's vampire show with Joss that seemed to come out of nowhere.

THE GOLDEN BLOOD THEORY

Gawin's been around since 2018, but he didn't get a main role in a BL until Be My Favorite. Back in (presumably) 2017, he worked as an usher at a movie theater after graduating from high school in the States in 2016. His two biggest roles before BMF were arguably Mork in the Kiss series (2018-2019), and Dan in Not Me (2021).

He was also the best part of Enchanté (2022), but tragically not one of the main cast.

After Gawin stuck with GMMTV through the worst of the pandemic regulations that restricted filming and then thoroughly proved his range in Not Me, I have a feeling that GMMTV was finally planning to give him his first leading role in a BL series: a vampire series opposite Joss planned for 2023.

Then, unexpectedly, Mike left his leading role in Be My Favorite in maybe August or September, and this is presumably when GMMTV looked at their options for Krist's costar and decided Gawin was their best bet.

Here's my thinking: if Golden Blood was planned for 2023, then GMMTV would have announced it at their showcase for 2023 programming in November of 2022. But the Be My Favorite recasting of Mike for Gawin was announced in September of 2022, so GMMTV could have easily pulled Golden Blood from the lineup and pushed it back a year. Since Gawin has never had a partner and Joss has never been in BL before this, no one was expecting a series from them, so no one would have known to expect anything from Gawin at all. Based on conversations I've had with Gawin's fans, he'd been so inactive that they didn't think he'd have a series at all in 2023.

Meanwhile, GMMTV had already announced Be My Favorite at their 2021 showcase of 2022 programming, and the director Waa had requested more time to work on the script in 2022, so the air date was pushed to 2023. As of September of 2022, Be My Favorite was announced, anticipated, already pushed back a year, and most likely paid for, so it was probably considered a high-priority series. Not to mention it had one of the Holy Trinity and the director of The Gifted attached, and it was to be the first BL series produced by Parbdee Studios.

My mantra with GMMTV for the past several months has been this:

They're incompetent, not malicious.

The fact that Gawin Caskey, better known to most for singing rather than acting, had never performed onstage before this summer at MUSICON in Japan and had to go to Krist before the second show because he had no idea what to talk about between songs is bonkers to me. Like, I'm not at all a GMMTV anti. I praise them when they deserve it, but holy shit. You've had a talent like Gawin Caskey for five years and you only just put him onstage this year?

I think SOTUS being the shock hit that saved them from bankruptcy is a good summary of how GMMTV seems to operate, at least from what I've seen: they throw stuff at a wall and sometimes it works really well! They like money a lot, so if money happens immediately, they do more of that even if they have no idea how it happened or why it was appealing.

Speaking of which—

GAWINKRIST & BE MY FAVORITE PROMOTION

Over the course of filming and promotion, Krist and Gawin became very close. They've both called each other their safe zone, Gawin moved his TV into Krist's house to be a second gaming screen for a while because he was over there constantly, and Krist got Gawin three (3) separate, custom birthday cakes in August (one at a small surprise party, one at the BMF final episode screening, and one at Gawin's birthday event). Krist even integrated Gawin into his university friend group, which is so absolutely fucking wild I can't even. Krist is twenty-eight years old and he adores Gawin so much he wanted Gawin to be part of a friend group he's had for ten years.

Gawin adores Krist's favorite child, they went to an art gallery, and once they even tried to bring a guitar to a beach at night to play music to the stars or some shit (the beach was closed they're both ridiculous). So when Krist calls Gawin "my precious buddy" he doesn't do it as some fanservice thing. They are basically family at this point, regardless of what happens in their professional lives, and it was a beautiful dynamic to watch over the summer.

Part of what made their chemistry so natural in Be My Favorite probably had a lot to do with how much they opened up to each other. Back in May, Krist shared that because he and Gawin aren't especially fond of social media, they discussed how to do the necessary promotion for their series comfortably. Krist actually got Gawin Caskey on TikTok to do TikTok dances, so once again: very good friends.

They also shared videos of them just hanging out at Krist's house eating snacks and playing video games, or playing guitar and riffing, playing with harmonies so beautiful I mourn daily that they don't have an album together.

When the series started airing, Krist invited Gawin to his house to watch the episodes together and go over their acting choices. But GMMTV had also scheduled Krist for a slew of solo concerts throughout Asia, so he had to watch some of them alone on the road overseas. What would have been a fun weekly promotion opportunity was complicated by GMMTV's bizarrely timed scheduling. (Of course, Krist rarely has a day off in general, but you'd think they'd organize his schedule to prioritize his first BL series since 2017.)

Be My Favorite didn't get much promotion overall compared to other GMMTV series, and GawinKrist especially seemed to be treated sort of as an afterthought. They had a few podcast interviews, they went to see Elementals at the cinema (which ended up inspiring Krist's theme for his solo "Elements" concerts in Bangkok), they went to Japan together for MUSICON, Aye had them sing on her channel, and they had a live session for RISER. Those were all the major ones, I think. Not nothing, but there were a ton of missed opportunities for more.

And for a company whose CEO recently touted their actors as influencers and obsesses over Twitter hashtag trends and viewing numbers, the lack of opportunities they gave GK is a little unusual to me.

Unless GMMTV knew they had a vampire series starring Gawin and another actor that they'd postponed. And it'd be announced at their showcase for 2024 programming in October shortly after Be My Favorite ended in August.

It might also explain why, when pretty much every other series had a song performed at the showcase medley, Be My Favorite wasn't included. Even though Krist and Gawin are both known singers who had four songs in Be My Favorite between them.

In the immediate aftermath of the showcase, a lot of GawinKrist fans were unhappy with the news of Gawin's new series, myself included. I'm not a big vampire fan in general, and I'm not impressed with the teaser, the director, or the screenwriter, so I probably won't be watching it. (BounPrem's vampire series is starring BounPrem, so that's why that one's my exception.) I am, however, very happy for Gawin for getting more main character money and remaining in a lead role. He's an absolute sweetheart, and I hope he has more music in 2024 that I can support.

As days passed after the showcase, the more I thought about Golden Blood and where it came from. GMMTV is incompetent, sure, and GawinKrist didn't make the same waves as other pairs, but they definitely have a committed fanbase, and Be My Favorite got overwhelmingly positive reviews, particularly for GawinKrist's chemistry. They trended consistently whenever they did anything, and most intriguingly, Japanese fans really love them thanks to MUSICON and FanFest. Japanese magazines are still releasing interviews and photoshoots with GawinKrist to this day (with plans for more!).

The only thing that makes sense to me is that Golden Blood was meant to happen first, and GMMTV didn't want to waste resources pushing GawinKrist over the summer when they knew Gawin would have to start from scratch with Joss in October.

It's kind of wild to think about, but if Mike hadn't left Be My Favorite, it would have gone ahead as planned, and Golden Blood would have aired this year at some point. And that would mean there's a timeline out there where Gawin and Krist were never cast together, and this beautiful friendship they created never happened. They never got to experience that safe zone they found in each other, and they never would have known what they were missing.

I'm still sad that their professional time together was so short, but this theory makes me feel better about it because rather than being something we were robbed of, they were a gift we never expected.

And just like KristSingto before them, GawinKrist are still close, still friends, and can enjoy their time together without the added pressure of selling and promoting their closeness. They can be friends without scrutiny. They can count their series as a point of pride. This unexpected masterpiece that brought them together.

And maybe someday, when their schedules line up again, they can make the beautiful fucking album that I deserve. [fire emoji]

#i swear this was going to be a couple of paragraphs tops #but i've been writing my bmf essays and i was originally going to include this but it's too much speculation #i want the essays to be as factual as possible so i'm just going to throw this into the tumblr ether #gawin caskey #krist perawat #be my favorite #gawinkrist

[banannabethchase]

Hello! Hangmox + 7. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this drunk before.” please? Thanks!!! ✨

For the Best and Worst

~

Warnings for: discussion of past alcoholism, mild angst. Thank you for the prompt!

Rating: T

~

Adam fidgets as Mox watches the video. He hates this era of himself: drunk, scared, and anxious, his first championship in AEW and his first nationally documented mistakes.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this drunk before,” Mox says, arm thrown over the back of the couch. He turns to Adam, eyes understanding. There’s no pity, though. “This…this is rough.”

Adam squirms under the attention, but the picture of himself at his worst on the television might be even more disquieting. He sees himself stumble, talk to people with a veil over his eyes. “This sucks,” he mutters. “Can we turn it off?”

“Yeah, course.” Mox scrambles for the remote and shuts off the entire television. Not exactly what Adam meant, but still. “Sorry. I kind of – I kind of forgot how bad it got for you back then.”

Adam nods slowly, eyes still on the blank screen. “Between the pandemic and how bad things were with Kenny and the Bucks, I didn’t know how to deal.”

“I get you,” Mox says. He opens his arms and Adam falls against his chest gratefully, finally relaxing when Mox wraps his arms around him. “Sorry. I thought we could, like, watch our early matches. I didn’t realize…” He trails off, and Adam thinks Mox kisses the top of his head. “Shit. Sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Adam says, comforted by the way his voice is muffled by Mox’s sweatshirt. “I should have said something.”

Mox gets a hand under Adam’s leg and hauls him into his lap, without warning. It’s a little disconcerting, the way Mox can unexpectedly haul him around, but it’s nice.

Adam’s balanced on top of Mox’s thighs, head still tilted down. Mox pokes him in the ribs until he looks up. “Hey,” Mox says, voice firm and kind. “Quit beating yourself up over who you used to be. Then there’ll be no job for me to do.”

Adam cracks a smile. “Pretty sure I beat you up, last time.”

Mox shrugs. “All in a day’s work, yeah?” He reaches up and gently yanks at Adam’s hair, the way he does to wake him up in the morning. “You good?”

“I’m good,” Adam says, and he slumps against Mox, insisting on a hug.

“Jesus, just ask to cuddle, you big lug,” Mox grumbles, but Adam feels his lips against the side of his neck. He’s not used to feeling small, is the thing. He’s used to taking up space, to being the muscle. To being the one taking care of everybody else.

He rests his head on Mox’s shoulder, letting their warmth bleed together, and feels safe.

“Love you,” he says, before he can talk himself out of it. Mox stills underneath him. Hesitantly, Adam pulls back, looks Mox in those blue eyes. “Is that okay?”

Mox breaks into the softest little smile, something that shows the crinkles by his eyes and the death match scars that pepper his brow. “Yeah. Obviously.” He takes a deep breath and looks at Adam with an intensity that Adam probably will never get used to. It’s sharp and deep and used to cut like a knife, but now it feels like some sort of caress to parts of Adam he can’t name. “Love you too, Cowboy.” Mox leans in, kissing Adam softly and sweetly. Adam’s never felt this cared for in his life, never felt this understood and, well. Accepted. For all of his parts. For the best and worst of him.

The moment lingers against their lips.

Until Mox pulls Adam’s thighs out from under him and half throws him on the couch. Adam makes a weird little surprised sound, a noise he’s not sure he’s ever heard from himself before. Mox just laughs above him.

“What?” Mox’s grin is just a step away from salacious. “You love me. You don’t expect me to get a boner about it?”

Adam rolls his eyes, but he yanks Mox down for a kiss. “Dumbass,” he murmurs, and he presses a smile to Mox’s lips.

#HangMox #wtf i like wrestling now??? #Here have a hurt/comfort #I rarely write this kind of thing #alcoholism cw #anxious millennial dreamboat #madly in love with leather daddy jon moxley #Anyway thank you for this prompt! It really challenged me and I love a good HangMox #Might throw this up on AO3 with some smutty aftermath tomorrow if my brain's in the right place #We'll see #Right now that felt like the right place to stop #But AO3 might get this or more or nada tomorrow depending again on where my head is

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Well, I’ve had a hell of a week. So far since last weekend, I have:

- Had a conversation with my roommate after which I became sure I would not be able to stay in my house. There’s been a whole thing for the last couple of months where my roommate is moving out and has tried to give our place to someone else, but I very much like this place (for reasons that range from good price and good location and it’s a good house, to I get too emotionally attached to places where I spend too much time) and want to stay here, and it’s long and complicated but basically I’ve had two months of being constantly stressed due to uncertainty about where I’ll be living in the fall. Then last weekend, I had a very confrontational call with my roommate – and I don’t do confrontation well – in which he informed that he was going to do something I had not previously thought of in order to give the house away, I was pretty sure it would work, got very upset due to the unexpected confrontation and due to the fact that I became sure I wouldn’t be able to stay here.

- Three days later, a couple of other people talked to my roommate, I talked to the landlord, a few things changed (including – I’m not saying my roommate will listen to men but not women, but when our male mutual friend made all the exact same points to him that I did, suddenly they made sense), and I’m now pretty sure I can keep the place. More sure than I’ve been for two months. The first time in two months that I’ve been able to lift almost all of that stress off my shoulders, and it’s an amazing feeling. I almost hesitate to write this for fear of inviting the worst, since nothing’s signed yet, it’s not for sure. Also I do still have to find a new roommate to cover the other half of the rent because his subletter’s moving out. But I can figure that out. It’s a huge relief to know it’ll very likely be okay.

- On Monday night, I accompanied my brother to one of his comedy shows, a decision I made partly to take my mind off worrying about whether I’d get to stay in my place (since I hadn’t yet heard the good news about that getting better). My brother convinced me to put my name in a draw, where whatever name they pick gets to perform in the one spot they keep open for that. My fucking name got picked. I performed stand-up comedy for the first time. I recited some shit that I wrote a while ago and have wanted to perform but haven’t had the guts to try before. It went much better than I’d expected, though that’s only because I’d expected it to be a catastrophic failure. In reality it went fine. People laughed more than one time, which wildly exceeded my expectations. Afterward, several comedians and several audience members came up to me to say I did well. Some were presumably just being nice (I’m sure “just being nice” also factored into the laughs, as I did immediately tell them this was my first time doing it), but they seemed to mean it, at least a bit. I think it actually was all right for a first time. Afterward I hung around the bar and drank with comedians and it was the first time in ages that I can remember having so much fucking fun without any part of it being difficult.

- On Wednesday, I went out to a live Celtic music night. This is because a couple of weeks before that, my parents went to a folk festival out East and saw a few of my favourite singers, and that made me sad, because I used to go see music all the time, and I stopped in 2020, and I’ve seen a couple of music things since then but not many, and I miss it. So, it occurred to me, there’s nothing stopping me from just starting it again. The day after the folk festival that I missed, I Googled folk music in my area, found a reasonably priced Celtic music night at a venue that’s relatively near me, that I’d never heard of because it just opened during the pandemic. I checked its schedule and it has a lot of stuff that I like, including monthly Celtic music nights. This sort of thing is part of why I care so much about staying in my place that’s downtown. Near my sport. Near my friend. Near comedy. Near live music. I’ve spent so much time staying in my house not doing stuff, I’m only just starting to do stuff again, I want to do everything, that is not a good time to lose my downtown housing.

So on Wednesday, I walked to this new music venue, and it’s so good. So good. The perfect size, big enough to fit enough of a crowd to bring in touring musicians, not big enough for the size of the room to impact enjoyment. Capacity of about 90 people, I think, and well spread out. Stage with enough room for a band with lots of instruments. A building that was clearly made with acoustics in mind, the sound quality was fantastic. And when I got there, I didn’t want to pay for the overpriced water bottles you get at venues, but I was so hot and thirsty from the walk that I decided it was worth it. So I asked at the counter for a bottle of water, and they told me I could just take a cup and fill it from their water cooler for free. I will be returning to that venue.

Then they played music! God, it’s been so long since I’ve seen that stuff live, I love it. It was a band I didn’t know, but was made of four people, two of whom I did know, from other projects they’ve done. Three were local and one from out East. They all knew their shit, played a bunch of classics and some of their own stuff. Stuck very closely to the “Celtic” remit (unlike some bands that will just define “Celtic music” as “anything with a fiddle”), explained the history of every song and tune, it was mainly Scottish and some Irish and a few Cornish songs. Was fucking beautiful. The show was just about to start when I got a text from my roommate telling me he’d spoken to the landlord and I’ll get more details later but I’m going to be able to stay in the house.

- On Thursday, I went out to a different comedy night. This is one I’ve been to before, a pub that runs comedy every Thursday just around the corner from my house. I went a bunch of weeks in a row this spring, and hadn’t been for a few weeks, but was pleased when the woman working at the bar still recognized me when I came in, asked me where I’d been. This was normal, she’d started recognizing me after I’d been going for a few weeks. What was less normal was that this time, the guy who runs the comedy night also went up to me, and asked if I planned to put my name in the lotto draw, the same type of thing that I did on Monday when my name got picked and I performed. The Monday and Thursday night things both have seven comedians who are booked ahead of time, and then leave open one “lotto spot” that goes to whoever’s name gets pulled from a pitcher.

I said no, because that hadn’t occurred to me, I hadn’t even started to think about how I wanted to try performing again, I’d only come to watch. Then I sat down, thought for five minutes, got back up, and put my name in. Because why not?

My name didn’t end up getting picked, but I enjoyed some of the comedy (not all of it, these nights can be hit and miss, but a few people were good). After it was over, while I was paying my bill, the guy who runs the comedy night came over to me again. He addressed me by my first name, which briefly surprised me because I’d not spoken to him before that night, and I hadn’t realized he knew my name. He said he was sorry I didn’t get picked for the lotto spot, but would I like to perform – as in be on the actual bill, not just in the lotto – on August 10th, in two weeks?

My first thought was genuinely that he’d made some sort of mistake, what with me not being a comedian. I asked him if he was sure, and he said, “Yeah, I saw you at [name of other pub, that runs the Monday night comedy], you were good. So do you want to perform here in two weeks?” I said yes, and thank you, and tried to seem relatively cool about it. Then I left the bar (after briefly apologizing to the guy who had compered the night for how quiet the audience was, including me because to be honest I’d been too distracted by wondering if I’d get picked for the lotto spot to laugh out loud much, but the compere was good and got visibly distressed about how little audience reaction he got, I told him he was funny and deserved a better response, and he told me that made him feel much better and my comment made his night, I’d been nervous to say that to him but then was glad I did, little life tip, if you have nice things to say to people you should say them), and walked home while trying not to shout out loud “I love this fucking city!” as though I was Jim Carry running across town at the end of a movie.

So... it wasn't just people wanting to be nice when they told me on Monday I'd done well. A guy who runs a comedy night thought I did well enough to put me on a bill.

- Last night, I went out for dinner with my best friend, hadn’t eaten in actual restaurant in ages, that was really nice. Hung out at my place afterward. Appreciated how convenient it is to live a fifteen-minute walk from a guy I’ve known for twenty years and still want to see all the time.

- Today, Saturday, I’m about to drive to Montreal to see Tom Ballard and Josie Long, two of my favourite comedians, in a fairly small room at the Just For Laughs Festival. I am so fucking excited. Beyond fucking excited. I am not even going to try to explain how excited I am, because I won’t do it justice. I’ve written a couple of posts about it already. I can barely even think about it. I still can hardly wrap my mind around the idea that Josie Long is a real person and will be in a room with me, even though I’ve been sent pictures she’s put on social media of herself since she arrived in Canada earlier this week.

- Tomorrow, I am being sent to the seaside for my health. I fly out to my grandparents’ home on Canada’s East Coast, my favourite place in the world (Canada’s East Coast in general is a place I love, but my grandparents’ house, out in rural Nova Scotia and right on the ocean, where they’ve been living since I was two years old and where I’ve spent a lot of time every year of my life, is my actual favourite place in the world). My parents have been there for a couple of months now (that’s how they went out to the folk festival that I had to miss due to not being in the area), and I’ll be joining them for a week, and then we’ll all drive home next weekend, and I start a new job on August 8th.

My grandparents won’t be there – they moved into a care home a while ago, and my parents love that house so much and have been trying to figure out a way to keep it in the family, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to work. So part of why they went down this summer was to look into the process of selling it. They did do that a bit, and nothing’s happening immediately, but there’s a good chance this week will be the last time I’ll ever go there. I hope it won’t be. Selling it might take a long time and I might get there again. Or it might sell immediately because it’s the best place in the world.

Either way, I’m going to enjoy this time there. I feel really lucky to have had all the time with it that I’ve had for thirty years, and I feel lucky to get to see it again next week.

So, that's my life update. Things have been rather rough for a while, but they're really looking up. Not everything's sorted out yet, but to paraphrase 30 Rock's Liz Lemon, I am hesitantly allowing myself to feel slightly hopeful.

[saltycharacters]

Can I be livid for a sec? Ive spent all these years in the pandemic being one of the few doin my part, vaccinating as much as possible and social distancing and wearing masks everywhere and not even leaving the house unless absolutely necessary. A sisyphean attempt to do literally anything about the spread of covid, because so few even care to do the bare minimum at this point. So I have to sit and watch while this small group of people on this godforsaken Earth are giving up opportunities and funtimes left and right to protect our loved ones, and the immunocompromised, and ourselves and everyone else, while the selfish majority don't give a shit and literally do whatever they want, passing strains of covid amongst themselves like its a game of hot potato and. Usually I can ignore any pings of jealousy and reassure myself that at LEAST. There's one less vector to spread the illness, and that keeps at least those around me safe, and I continue finding enjoyment in safe and quarantine-approved ways, but.

Today I got a text message from my dad, which is not unusal in itself, but opening it I realized it was a photo of my abuela. Sitting across the table from my dad in her rustic little house in spain, in the rustic little village that I've visited every summer for most of my childhood. The place I've considered my favorite on earth for most of my life and that I've held in my heart so fondly that nearly every night, I dream about being there again. The place I haven't been to in years as part of the many sacrifices I've taken to combat the pandemic. And yet my dad, part of the selfish and skeptical majority, took the risk without a second thought and unceremoniously come into contact with the disease-spreading, equally uncatious masses at the airport, sat in a largely un-masked airplane for 11 hours and is now having supper with family I've been trying to protect this whole tine. He doesn't consider whether he'll bring covid to them first before bringing it to his family back in the US, he doesn't think about the likleyhood of grandma, nearing her 90's, being able to survive such an ailment, and I just know that he will not give the fact that he couldve spread covid more to the hundreds of other people a second thought. He'll sleep soundly in my favorite room, he'll have fun in my favorite places, and he'll see my favorite people all while being so in-denial about the pandemic that his conciousness will remain clean the entire trip. And this time I'm dizzy with jealousy and rage, I'm sad and homesick and frustrated and worst of all, I can't express any of my feelings to my dad or mom or any family because they'll just laugh at me for being so paranoid and tell me to come over anyway. I'm not sure I'll ever see my beloved Requena ever again, nor any of my family nor resident friends because it seems that almost everyone in the world has forgotten that we're still in a pandemic, yet those self-entitled enough to participate in this collective amnesia can have fun and do whatever without a thought for the consequences they bring. I'll be huddled at home with thise large, gaping, emotional hole in my chest while people like Dad continue on like nothing's ever happened and we all have to suffer for it. It's not fair. I'm so close to tears, I'm just. So devistated and heartbroken. If you don't do your part to quarantine to the best of your ability and practice basic pandemic saftey when out, I hate you. You're awful and I hate you.

#face in my hands #im. im getting a stress headache im so so close to bawling #i miss spain so much i miss grandma i miss my cousins i miss my aunts and uncles #i miss the house i miss the cool cellar and stairs that scared me at night #i miss the family gatherings every weekend and i miss my abuelas frijoles and paella #i miss the village i miss the rustic architecture and the stone streets and the large fountain that was in the middle of it #i miss the large walkway lined with trees and the way it stretched for miles and how beautiful the sunlight shone through the leaves #i miss the sloped walkways that id have to take to get to the stores i miss the small family buisnesses i miss the parks #i miss the closed church and the castle ruins and the cave system that they turned into a museam #i miss it all so much i. at this point forgetting it all would be the best medicine but i just. i cant stand #this one time i wish i was dad. just so stubborn and self absorbed that im brave and uncaring enough to go to Spain #And im suppose to get this fucking coding project done how am i suppose to work when im getting a stress headache already #if you want to reblog go ahead maybe this will motivate people to actually do their part #and maybe then i can hope that i can visit spain someday without risking everyones saftey #although grandma will. probably not be alive by then. and. i mis ther the mostn

[cecenyss]

another thing that really bothers me about the dumbledore-bashing pandemic is how they completely misunderstand his character, and i get that’s the point of bashing but it’s so irritating.

like people will write him as this self-absorbed, dark-arts appreciating madman who’s incapable of admitting his own mistakes because he doesn’t believe he has any, and that’s just untrue.

dumbledore is quite possibly the most self-aware character; he is fully aware that what he is doing is wrong, he hates himself for it, but he goes through with it anyway. it’s not right, it’s not an excuse, in some ways that makes him a worse person--but he’s not excusing the things he’s doing to himself. he’ll do that to other people, sure, tell them it’s necessary and that the ends justify the means, but he knows he’s full of shit and he keeps going.

but people are insistent on portraying him as this idiot who’s incapable of seeing his own wrongdoing and blinded by his own arrogance and he’s just not?? he is so nuanced and there’s so many layers and he’s just boiled down ‘guy who sent harry to the dursleys’ which is important and wrong, but it’s not the full picture. 

a part of the reason why he does what he does is trauma, and i think--though i might be off the mark with this one--that after what happened to ariana he thought ‘hey i can’t get any worse than this, i’ve done the worst thing, i killed my sister’ and justified the rest by telling himself that he needs to do good to make up for that and no matter how he gets there, that’s the end goal. he picks a goal and sticks to it. in a way, he never strayed from his mindset with grindelwald--’the greater good,’ and all that. ends justify the means. 

and aberforth understands this, and in a way that makes him more resentful of albus--he understands him, knows that albus knows that he’s doing wrong but keeps doing it anyway, knows why he keeps doing it anyway, knows who got him into the mindset of the ends justify the means, and he hates the entire package because who wouldn’t? if albus had stopped drowning in his self-loathing for like three seconds and decided to do the right things, to acknowledge his mistakes and not be a manipulative piece of shit in the process, he would have forgiven him, maybe not entirely but more than in canon.

that’s off topic though, the point was STOP BASHING ALBUS DUMBLEDORE HE DOESN’T NEED IT WRITE HIS CHARACTER ACCURATELY

#no bashing #hate bashing #hate bashing so much #the level of loathing i feel for bashing is incomprehensible #s/o to that one person who said 'could not agree with op more' on my last dumbledore post #i love fellow bashing haters #be my friend #dumbledore #albus dumbledore #ariana dumbledore #aberforth dumbledore #dumbledore family #no dumbledore bashing #that's a tag on ao3 and let me tell you it is sparse

[sarcasticallyinclined]

it is always funny when my dad is like "you always have a place with me and im sure your mom would say the same" and it's like...

1. thanks but i will not be living with you again if i can help it because you cannot keep your goddamn mouth shut about what i eat even when i don't live with you and

2. said mom literally went ok so i know you're deeply depressed with a useless degree and no transportation and we're a few months into a global pandemic and nowhere is safe and everything is uncertain BUT if you don't magically get a job in a month you are not allowed to live here anymore because i just don't think you're really making an effort to take advantage of the non-existent job market and I do not give one shit if you have multiple disorders working against you and I will NOT make any effort to understand

and then kicked me out at the end of the month with zero remorse to go live with my dad as a punishment (which would have genuinely been fine if it weren't explicitly "you are a failure and i don't want you in my house anymore")

and then in the face of my dad (supposedly) imminently moving hundreds of miles away, when I worked with my therapist and spent hours writing a letter asking to move back in and suggesting how we could maybe try to fix our fucked up broken relationship and how I was doing better with medication changes and I even had a remote part time job but it made nowhere enough to live on,

she ignored the entire part about "I am emailing this to you because our in person conversations have been stressful and unproductive and i can't get to everything i want to say because i start crying so can you email me back" and said no let's discuss this in person

and then once we had a stressful unproductive conversation yet again she handed me a letter she had for some reason typed up and printed out

about how no i was not allowed to move back in even if i at the time had no other options lined up and not enough money for anything because she said when I lived there my vibes were too bad from me being idk suicidally depressed and unable to envision a future for myself while millions of people were dying from something with no cure and that was bumming her out to be around

and quoted some shit that was clearly lifted from shitty facebook articles about cutting out toxic friends in your life which were certainly not meant for parents to apply to their own fucking children

and I could fucking frame that letter as the Worst Shit She Has Ever Fucking Said To Me

so no dad, i actually don't think my mom would or will ever say i always have a place with her again

but it sure is convenient how you both like to forget this ever happened and we're all a happy loving supportive family and nothing bad has ever happened

i sure am glad my mom is now the only family member within hundreds of miles and the only adult I have to rely on so that we can pretend every two weeks that we're a happy mother daughter duo and there isn't minimum thirteen years of bullshit she's happy to leave buried and never ever address

and i just have to personally live with all this shit and know that she will die before i ever get closure because any conversation about it would be exactly as unproductive as when the shit originally happened

because it's not like her feelings on anything have CHANGED, she just thinks im magically not depressed anymore and never will be again and it's not a chronic thing that i just know better than to ever ever mention or show because she's so fucking annoying about it and i don't trust her at all

life is great i love life and every adult who ever existed in my life during formative years definitely did not fail me

#anyway. #jess pretends to have a life #jots this down as things to have even more therapy about bc the hours i've already spent on it clearly weren't enough #in conclusion i don't think people should have kids. they're all bad at it. stop having children.

[limmastyles]

Dedicated to all those people who hate Florence for not giving a shit about the DWD promo (and it's right move).

She was thrilled to be a part of this project from the very beginning, she was inspired! She was nice to the whole cast of actors and the employees of the set. Florence Pugh was super praised by the DWD team as being an angel, kind, friendly and several other compliments on the last day of recording Florence posted photos of the team and thanked everyone Camera, makeup artist, costume designer…

BUT then Cockburn happened and her true face: envious and obsessed! Since the end of filming, rumors have been circulating that Cockburn treated Flo the worst of all, because the film company did not allow leech to play the role of Alice (Cockburn confirmed that she wanted to play the main role in the film), but the studio did not accept it because Alice is in her early twenties and they already had Florence Pugh in mind for the role for being an amazing actress.

Further, before Harry joined the filming process (he had previously refused due to the tour, but returned due to the pandemic), the Cockburn's character named Mary did not exist in the original script at all. Cockburn remade the plot, taking tex and screen time from Gemma Chan's character, whose name is Shelly. After all, it was Shelley who was Alice's friend in the original script and also in trailer 2 we can see the character Mary (Cockburn) speaking some lines that in the script were spoken by the character Shelley (Gemma).

It is notable that one of the changes in the script was the character Mary (Cockburn) that did not exist, and apparently will have a greater prominence than Shelley would have in the script. (In the trailer the character Mary appears almost more than the character Jack). The character Alice is the main character in the film, everything revolves around her, if there was an order of importance it would be 1-Alice 2-Jack 3-Frank 4-Shelley.

And now, in any article or comment that the tabloids make on DWD, only Cockburn or Harry is mentioned. Holivia was made the center of the universe, absolutely not mentioning or praising the acting and the importance of other actors. BUT excuse me, FLORENCE PUGH is THE MAIN CHARACTER OF THIS CHEAP MOVIE, and her name is not even written in the headline of the fucking Vanity Fair article. And you really think that being a part of this circus…excuse the "movie promo" where only holivia's fake relationship is mentioned, is that what Florence wanted the most? And why hate her if she does the right and reasonable thing? She tries to rid herself of this negative experience and make it look as if nothing ever existed. No actor from the cast wants to talk about this movie on their own, unless the interviewer asks them about it. It is quite easy to notice that in such an indifferent attitude of all the actors, only Cockburn is to blame, who is too greedy to stop. It's very easy to see, only if you're not obsessed with Cockburn.

Have a nice day and if you support Flo, I am very grateful to you for that, but if you support Cockburn, then get out of my blog, you miserable creatures.😘

#fauxlivia #holivia is fake #holivia stunt #pr stunt #publicitystunt #holivia #pr relationships #olivia wilde #publicity stunt #holivia pr stunt #Instagram

[aquaburst3]

Happy 5 year anniversary to one of the worst series finales that I ever had the misfortune of watching outside of GOT! 🥳

But seriously, it's weird thinking that it's been 5 years, especially since this series ate up my early 20s. Some things have changed drastically since then, including going through a pandemic and moving to a different part of the country. Others not so much. I'm over all a similar person as before. Just someone who's more mature and wiser. I'm still into similar shit, albeit in some different fandoms like getting into Twisted Wonderland. Knowing me, I'll still engage in fandoms until I die.

Looking back, the show is incredibly flawed and tanks after s2. The warning signs that the series would end on such a bad note were there like the terrible pacing, Lotor seeming like two characters shoved into the same body and Allura's bizarre reverse fantasy racism arc. I'm still mad about the choices the show made in regards to how certain character arcs ended like Lance becoming the Latino Farmer Trope who mourns his girlfriend of one week forever and Shiro marrying a background character. Which is ashamed, since the series has so much potential.

This fandom was also a shitshow like no other. I have some horror stories about the heyday of this fandom, including more personal ones like being put on a list for shipping sheith and just the time I was a mod on the Kallura Server.

Despite all that, I made some solid mutuals and friends in that fandom, and for that I'm grateful to be a part of it.

Here's to more years of being into fandom and gaining some new friends and mutuals in that shithole of a fandom! 🥂

#aqua rambles

[mycomori]

the anti zionism = anti semitism laws just passed by the us house of reps is fuckin terrifying and i hate it so much and the worst part it is, aside from palestinian americans, if will overwhelmingly effect american jews protesting the use and equation of their religion to the war crimes of the zionist regime of israel. this law will put palestian americans and their allies protesting the genocide of their people at risk just as equally as the jews around the world protesting the zionist state of israel and their utter disgrace to the jewish faith. zionism is a disgrace; an utter spit in the face of the jewish faith, and yet they have the audacity to cry anti semitism when someone criticizes their over a half century of war crimes. when jewish people around the world from leaders to casual observers agree this is a fucking disgrace and it’s disgusting and anti semetic to equate the zionist state of israel w the jewish faith. that’s the kinda shit neo nazis want. they want to paint the jewish people as nothing it war criminals and use israel as a so called example. when really all israel is yet another demonstration of the united states control in other countries and purposefully keeping them unstable through consistent colonial expansion and us backed support of these so called governments. they’re scared of the internet, just like they’ve always been scared of knowledge. because knowledge is power and they rely on ignorance and desperation and keeping people in such poverty they don’t have the energy to focus on anything else. we’ve proven we can make a difference. that’s what scared so many people in the filling class about the pandemic. everyone was out of work so they actually had time to think as process and feel and act on their beliefs. it’s what they hate it’s what they do their god damn best to surprise and guess what thinking it at all is an affront to them. fuck them. i grew up in the catholic church. i know better than anyone how deeply the depravity runs. our country is brain washed so deeply we can’t even recognize it cause it’s been goin on for so many years. the world hates and laughs at us for fully understandable reason. we hate and laugh along too. except we’re stuck here. cause our parents or grandparents though the us was a place to prosper. a place they could escape their decades of poverty. but it didn’t turn out dod it? if i was my nonni id be a pissed ass ghost. all that work to give your kids a better life and it’s just more bullshit and suffering. fuck it am i right? if i could talk to nonno and nonni as teenagers now i would be lost forever speaking a them. i never even met nonno armando. but i wish i could. i’ve always wished i could. if i click ahve super power it would be to speak with the dead. nothing much else just sit down and converse w them and pass along messages between them and the living. i would hope someone would do that for me once im dead too. but its sad innit. we’re a sad sad sad family. we all suffered and continue to suffer so much. but the living of us push forward despite it all. hit it sucks. it fucking sucks. to mourn both the dead and the living. to mourn at all. it breaks my mind.

[bronzeagepizzeria]

Get To Know Me

Thank you for the tag, @demdifferentstories-29 !

What is your name? Niyati

For how long have you had this account? since 2018, i think? only started using it during the pandemic though

Favourite food? i have a massive sweet tooth, so anything sweet, really. also pizza

Favourite drink? i don't drink anything interesting xD just water and even then a bitch is severely dehydrated

Do you have any siblings? yes, one older sister

Do you have pets? yessss i've got three cats!!

How old are you? 19

How many languages do you know? i'd say i'm most comfortable in english, but i can speak hindi fluently as well. i understand tamil entirely and sort of understand marathi + a few words of kannada bc i lived in bangalore for 13 years

What's your all-time favourite movie/tv show? fav movie has got to be the godfather part ii. i've watched it a million times. fav show will forever be game of thrones, no matter how badly it crashed and burned. i really imprinted on that shit lol

What are you enjoying to do in your free time? read fic hahaha. or watch movies. recently i haven't managed to watch anything except reels on instagram though, send help

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? mostly an introvert, but i think i'm just bad at small talk. i don't have issues with public speaking or anything, and i can talk about stuff i'm interested in for hours and hours to virtual strangers xD

Your favourite music genres? i don't listen to a lot of english music tbh! i'd say pop? mostly i just listen to film soundtracks and bollywood songs

Your dream place to visit? i used to be fuckin OBSESSED with australia as a child so i hope to still go there? but i'd like to visit all over, really. i haven't travelled much. definitely wanna experience living in the US/UK for a while. i plan to do my post-grad abroad

Something you wish you were better at? not procrastinating. it's a serious problem

How long do you take to respond to texts? immediately lol. sometimes i respond to ao3 comments within minutes, which must freak people out

Do you have any tattoos? If not, would like to? nope. look in theory it's a cool idea but i'm famously indecisive and if i can't even settle on a pfp for more than a month i just know i'm gonna pick a tattoo and end up fucking hating it

What's your sexuality? straight

Do you like reading? If yes what's your favourite book? i don't read much anymore, unfortunately. but i want to get back into it

Have you ever been in love before? ehhh no. i usually just trick myself into liking someone i suspect likes me lol

What's your relationship status? single

Have you ever been heartbroken? nah

Best memory you could think of? this question is super hard for me lol. recently my roommate and i did an hp rewatch and she asked me what memory i would rely on for my patronus and...i literally do not know. like i've had a decently happy life, but nothing stands out, you know? there isn't any one instance i can think of like that

Worst memory you can think of? same thing again. my 2023 has been so fucking bad it's not even sad to me anymore i just find it genuinely funny. but it hasn't been all bad either? i really don't know if i've just repressed my emotions for this year or if i'm over it already lol. maybe it'll come back to bite me in the arse later

Do you have any fears? moths and butterflies (i don't discriminate) i also don't like small birds/plants that are beginning to dry up/balloons losing air. i was a weird kid

Are you a morning or a night person? oh, night definitely. i spent the entirety of last year getting like 2hrs of sleep a night and napping during class

How many pictures do you have on your phone? 5001 + my icloud has not been backed up in 462 days

Who was your favourite childhood crush? first guy i ever liked was shahid kapoor. first guy i actively fantasized about etc has got to be chris evans. the captain america movies were my personality for a long time in middle school lmao

Are you a romantic? hmm i don't think so. i have pretty old-fashioned tastes when it comes to love and romance i guess, but i think i'm more of a cynic

What’s your dream date? showing my s/o movies/shows that i love. honestly that's my love language

What are your hobbies? i draw a little, watch movies, read fic. i used to play professional-level badminton but that hasn't been fun for me in a long time :(

Tagging: if you read all the way and you feel like it, go ahead!

#tag game

[diamondcitydarlin]

So I quit that job I mentioned earlier lol, I hadn't done work for this particular company since the pandemic and it became very clear, very quickly that what was already tenuous, chaotic circumstances before all that has only rapidly deteriorated further since. There was no discernable like, assigned Project Manager for this nonsense, just like four separate people making decisions behind each other's backs, over each other's heads, so the situations with everything were constantly changing and in this chaos no one bothered to communicate any of these changes with me (probably because they weren't communicating with each other) while just sort of expecting me to keep up and hit the notes that no one wanted to make clear in the first place. Like, "well why isn't this done?" "uh because idiot #3 said this script wasn't finalized, I mean not to me personally but openly in the chat to everyone" "WE CAN STILL USE THIS SCRIPT" "UHM NO WE CAN'T NOT UNTIL ITS FINALIZED SO WHEN IS THAT GOING TO HAPPEN" "IDK ASK IDIOT #2 WHO NEVER ANSWERS THEIR DMS ANYWAY" like what the actual fuck?? I was already getting so stressed out by this lack of any sense of cohesion whatsoever, but my breaking point was on Sunday when I had made it clear I wasn't going to be available and everyone was like yea yea cool that's fine (like, literally I live on land I'm responsible for upkeeping in the middle of the mountains now, if I step out of my house and into the depths of the property I am OUT OF SERVICE and I made it clear this was going to be the case MULTIPLE TIMES) and one of the bitches that's been going behind everyone's back and over their heads etc and is also some boomer lady with too much time on her hands CALLS ME FOUR TIMES BEFORE 7 AM ON SUNDAY TO ASK WHERE I AM AND WHAT I'M DOING like mam? You're not even my boss (hasn't stopped her from trying to treat me like her 20-something unpaid intern assistant though) and I made it clear multiple times that I'm not going to be available today "Well you're gonna have to be because we're very behind" AND THAT'S -MY- FAULT? THE ONE PERSON WHO HAS BEEN DOING THEIR ACTUAL JOB? I was just like yeah you know what actually I'm done with this as of today, pay me what I'm owed and don't contact me again

the worst part is that when I agreed to come on to help with this it was never communicated to me that I was going to be expected to be on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week (bc literally this boomer lady with no boundaries would be texting me at 10 pm on Friday for no reason bc she has nothing better to do with her life) to a group of people that don't know their mouths from their assholes and are just using this a pissing contest with each other while treating me like absolute shit and getting absolutely nothing done. It has NEVER been this bad. I also wasn't told that I'd be treated like an intern despite very much not being hired as one and well past the time in this career path where that'd be an appropriate role for me. Like, I wasn't made aware of any of this bullshit before agreeing to HELP OUT.

That's the other shitty thing, is that this was to HELP OUT a professional friend that I've done many fun and successful productions with- and where is he through all of this? Mostly not there. Mostly just not available. Not communicating with me or anyone else. I'm not speaking to him now because I really feel like he threw me to the wolves with this one despite the many MANY times in our working relationship that I had gone out on limb for him and the times he had done the same for me! Thought we were cooler than this! GUESS NOT.

I'm somewhat disappointed with myself for accepting this in the first place knowing what I do of that company's bullshit (tho in my defense as I said, it had never been quite THIS bad) but mostly I'm disappointed with myself for once again thinking I could trust someone lol like DO I NOT KNOW BETTER? AFTER ALL THIS TIME OF PEOPLE FUCKING ME OVER, TREATING ME LIKE A NON-PRIORITY? AFTER SWEARING TO NOT DO THAT TO MYSELF ANYMORE? Unbelievable that I could be so naive!

But I think anger is due at these careless type of people too, idc how useless it is, how little it's going to change anything about them. Like where does one get the gall to treat someone they barely know, who does not report to them in a subservient capacity, as though they're Miranda Priestly and I'm their little underpaid assistant? Where does one get the gumption to think it's okay to violate work hour boundaries that were made explicitly clear before being hired? In all my days working in this industry (and maybe I got lucky a million times) I have never been treated with such disrespect for my own time, especially in a situation where NO ONE has the right to be ordering anyone else around.

I don't deserve that, and honestly neither would an inexperienced 20-year old (which I am very much not). Incredible. Unbelievable that in this day and age where people are not putting up with work place bullshit that there could still be some asshole doing it anyway, violating boundary after boundary without a care in the fucking world.

Yeah well suck on this, lady, now you have to do all the work yourself because I don't need this job in the first place as I have several others that actually pay well and don't treat me like crap. Eat shit uwu

#personal job stuff lol #me complaining about shitty workplaces and lack of boundaries and why i quit #'nO onE waNts tO woRk aNymOre' yea bc no one wants to treat their employees with any amount of respect either #also the talent i was excited to work with on this turned out to be a dick which is not unexpected but still shitty #don't need him or yall byyyeee

[loverontheleft]

Sarah didn’t “win” anything ??? Having a baby is a choice on both sides of the parties involved. Brendon said in the Sirius XM interview that over the pandemic he took a step back and evaluated his title and job (if he’s just a celebrity, a face, etc…) vs. his personal life and that most likely involved discussing the prospect of getting older and wanting children with Sarah. Things change and people change their minds all the time. This is such a big sacrifice for everyone and Brendon is the only one who chose to focus on family full time. Some artists can handle both, but the schedule of touring takes away so much time from his family. Tbh I think he deserves this time away. He’s been working since he was seventeen years old. And with the way the world has been sending him so much hate for the past two years, his family deserves this privacy and peace. I know it’s painful and you’re allowed to feel upset about Panic! disbanding, but it’s not like Sarah was planning all of this/doing this on purpose.

First of all: if this is you, you probably should just unfollow me now. Maybe I’m reading condescending and scolding tones where they don’t exist because I’m upset, but I have two fucking masters degrees in the English language. I’m pretty fucking good at picking up what someone is saying through writing.

Obviously I think he deserves time away, I have always advocated for him taking time for his mental health, but this isn’t time away, this is the end. Maybe he’ll change his mind, maybe he’ll come back, but why would he? I’m equally livid about how people have treated him. He’s been driven away. I’m heartbroken at how he’s been treated and his well-being and happiness are always my top concerns. If you don’t know that about me, you must be new here.

Oh and don’t worry— I fully comprehend how having a child is mutual choice and people can change their minds. And yeah, obviously this whole thing wasn’t some big scheme Sarah had; that’s batshit. But reposting something that she has to know caused so much pain with a heart was a deliberate choice. We were blindsided with loss and the true fans are grieving because it’s not unreasonable to assume we’ll never see him again. He’s incredibly protective of his family; I’ve always admired that about him and respected him for it. Part of why I love him is his devotion to Sarah. So he’s going to be just as protective of his child, understandably and as he should be, and what reason would he have to do anything for us? Panic is done. He’s focusing his energy on his family. We’ve lost him. He’s gone. All of that, and she fucking loved that shit. Literally. The nicest interpretation of it is that her post was insensitive and badly timed.

Ultimately, I have very mixed feelings, because on the one hand, yeah she’s probably getting a ton of undeserved hate right now and she’s allowed to be a little petty and celebrate. Of course she should celebrate. Her husband, the father of her child, is making a very public choice, and he chose her. On the other, it still fucking hurts, and I’m. allowed. to. be. upset. I lost someone I genuinely love. I have been in his corner since fucking 2007; that man has gotten me through some of the worst moments of my life. And he is gone.

Don’t bother replying.

I’m just going to delete it.