#i think those books actually cause memory loss

[azriel-scum]

It Wasn't Supposed to be This Way Part 3

Warnings: domestic abuse, mentions of sexual abuse and semi-graphic scene toward the end. Please do not read if this will trigger you!

Elara was shaking and trying very hard to control her breathing.

It wasn't just that Merikh had been in her face, gripping her harshly, dangerously close to recreating the events of the night before.

It wasn't just that Azriel had potentially discovered what was going on before she could fix it herself.

It was the intense feeling in her chest. The intense wave of shock and anxiety that had slammed into her. She had never felt emotions that intensely before, not even on Merikh's worst nights.

Azriel continued to stand there.

With restless and shaking hands she gathered up the scattered papers and books on her desk, having no idea if she actually needed any of it.

Azriel was still just standing there.

"Azriel, did you need something?" Her attempt at being composed came out breathy and rushed.

Still speechless, he just stood there. Opened his mouth. Closed it. And then settled on just shaking his head.

She picked up her haphazard pile of papers and made toward the door.

Azriel stepped to the side, out of the doorway and found his voice.

"I think Cassian wanted to discuss having his soldiers doing some city patrol shifts. He's upstairs."

Elara nodded her head and walked out the door. Taking two steps down the hallway before Azriel speaks again.

"El -" She paused in the hallway but didn't turn around.

Before he could finish, shouting erupts from down the hall.

Merikh, distraught and furious, screaming. She can't see him, but she knows it's him. Would recognize that kind of shouting anywhere, from her nightmares, from the drunken nights, from the daylight when he would track her down in the city.

Rhsyand. He was screaming at Rhysand. This couldn't be happening, someone she had brought around, someone she had gotten a job was screaming at the High Lord.

He was screaming at Rhysand; the High Lord was deathly silent.

For Elara, everything went black. The shouting was more than just yelling between two men. It triggered in her a reaction like nothing else in her life.

A warrior, a female who had seen unfathomable tragedy; had seen death occur in such unnatural, unimaginable ways over and over and over again - had even caused it by her own hands. As a young female, she'd seen abuse that was indescribable, memories that would play in a trance over and over again as she tried to sleep. Yet, none of those things triggered a reaction in her like the one she was having in this moment.

Elara had barely made it out of the doorway when the yelling started, now her body was frozen and none of her senses were working.

Azriel appeared next to her. "El maybe we should -" he reached out a hand to usher her back into the office, but Elara stuck out a stiff arm, commanding him to stay back.

A wave of nausea had overcome her and it was taking everything in her to not gag in front of Azriel. Gods how embarrassing would that be.

Elara had tried so hard to keep her interactions with the inner circle strictly business. She would consider all of them her friends, her closest confidants when it came to work, when it came to the battle field, but when it came to her personal life, she didn't typically factor them at all. It was a defense mechanism, a way to shield herself, and her heart, from being hurt.

Rhysand was the closest thing she had to an older sibling, he had saved her life and her family, but even still they rarely had conversations that didn't revolve around work. He was busy and she was happy to keep her personal life outside of his radar.

If you never have anything, you can never lose anything.

Elara had already lost so much in her life and felt the impending doom of losing her mother day in and day out. Every single day she mourned the loss of someone who was still here and every single day she worried about the safety of her siblings. And every single day she worried about the safety of the citizens of Velaris. There was nothing else she could attach her heart to.

And so she ran to the bathroom. One for the impending nausea and two for the escape of anyone who cared for her, who wanted to be a friend.

Her knees hit the tile and her chest hit the front of the toilet. As she kneeled on the floor and wretched, it was the loneliest she had ever felt in her life.

Elara leaned back against the door, wiping her mouth with her sleeve. No one had followed her to the bathroom, no one had knocked on the door. She assumed Azriel knew of her intense desire to be left alone and with all the commotion downstairs she was the last person on anyone's mind.

She couldn't stop thinking about that feeling in her chest. The intensity of it, the unfamiliarity.

Finally, she stood up on shaky legs, picking up her papers and notes that were strewn across the floor and walked out of the bathroom. The hallway outside her office was empty and the shouting had stopped. She walked toward the window, hoping to simply fly out of the house undetected - no such luck.

From around the corner, Rhys walked toward Elara, looking concerned. He looked at her, his eyes asking if she was okay. She gave a soft nod.

Silently she said to Rhys. I'll be back tomorrow, Do you need anything before then?

Before he could respond, Merikh came up behind Rhys, Azriel and Cassian quickly following behind him. Elara made brief eye contact with Merikh and that feeling from her chest returned. Before, her anxiety had covered the feeling that she wasn't able to discern the feeling, but now she knew exactly what it was. A small tug, right where her heart lays.

No.

This had to be some awful horrible mistake, some kind of cosmic mistake.

Maybe she was wrong, maybe this wasn't the mating bond. After all, how would she even know what it felt like?

Only from hearing it be described for hundreds of years of her life.

It wasn't supposed to be this way.

Merikh stopped in front of her. Cassian and Azriel were still standing behind him looking weary of his actions and Rhys just watched him apprehensively.

Elara had to keep reminding herself that they didn't know, they didn't know that he was violent with her, maybe Azriel was suspicious, but she could easily dispel that. In the seconds that she stood staring at Merikh, she reimagined her entire life. No one knew how horrible he had been to her, she could start out with him on a fresh slate. Surely the mating instinct would kick in for him and he would be protective of her, not want to hurt her anymore. This could be good for him, it could give him the purpose for his life that he's been searching for. They could be happy together, Elara thought. They weren't so different after all, they had been through a lot in their lives and neither one of them coped especially well, but surely surely there was a reason for this bond from the Mother.

She searched his eyes, trying to see if the bond had snapped for him too. The only thing she saw in him was anxiety.

"Lara I - I wanted to apologize for earlier. I - I shouldn't have talked about you getting r- attacked in Illyria and -"

Is he always this insufferable? The words came into her mind from Rhysand and she had to push her lips together to smother her reaction and keep her face neutral. It was abundantly clear that the shouting match had ended in Rhys forcing him to apologize.

Merikh stumbled through the rest of his apology, nothing more than a disjointed handful of words that didn't go together. Elara said nothing when he was done speaking just nodded her head once. Even though Rhys had put him up to this, maybe this could be the start of the clean slate she so desperately wanted. With her mate.

She winnows them down to the streets out the House of Wind and they walk home together. They don't hold hands, there's some tension, but Elara thinks maybe things will be okay. They chat easily, nothing serious, but they cover all of the small talk. As they near their apartment, he ventures to ask about her mother and siblings.

Elara tenses, she knows that out of all the conversations they could have, this one is probably the most volatile. For once though, she lets herself take a breath and relax. If she doesn't get defensive, maybe he won't either.

"I saw them, they're doing well. Enny and Vira are doing well in school, I'm very proud of them."

Merikh nods, but doesn't add anything and Elara thinks she's okay with him listening and not always having to respond.

Over the next few days, there's still some nervousness, they both seem apprehensive toward each other, as if they are a new couple that's just starting to date. Elara tries to work out if Merikh feels anything of the bond on his end, but there's been nothing to suggest that he had.

A couple weeks passed and Elara couldn't remember the last time she felt a tug in her chest. Was this how things were supposed to be? You get comfortable enough with your mate and things just get easier? Maybe your less aware of the bond, don't feel it everyday.

Elara had been busy with work over the last few weeks and it seemed that so was Merikh. They rarely crossed paths with each other, but when they did Merikh had been...good. He had made her dinner twice, they had sat on the couch together and chatted easily, they laid in bed together. It had been a very long time since they had been intimate together, but Merikh had started to initiate; in the past by the time Elara had gotten home Merikh would already be drunk or passed out, but he had been drinking less and was much more present. Being intimate with him was...fine. It wasn't something she loved doing, but she didn't hate it either. They didn't talk about work, or her mother or anything else of importance, but they also hadn't fought. Things were unremarkable, but they weren't bad. This was the person that the universe had chosen for her and maybe, just maybe, this is how things were supposed to be.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today, Elara woke up sore.

She had bruises on her waist and sides from Merikh gripping her last night.

She hadn't said no last night.

She had agreed to be with him, but she hadn't known how excited he was going to get.

Maybe these bruises are okay, proof that he loves her, proof that they had made love.

They were not bruises borne from violence or aggression, but were they from love?

Elara wasn't sure.

She spent her morning making her rounds through the city. Stopping in and talking to shop owners, and visiting the school. Around mid morning she headed back to the training rings at the house of wind. Sometimes, she wasn't in the mood to train with others and preferred to work out by herself.

On her way to the rings, Elara was feeling a high of gratitude and happiness. How very lucky she was to be leading this city, to be trusted with the wellbeing of its citizen and the security of its borders. How very lucky she was to have had a second lease on life, but this was the promise of Velaris. A safe haven, a paradise, a place of redemption.

She flew up to the rings, landed gracefully and then promptly got to work.

The bruises made it hard to do any kind of core workout, but she did her best. The sweat and endorphins from lifting weights and doing exercises freed her mind and released her of the crippling anxiety.

In the middle of a bench pass, Cassian suddenly appears and is pulling the bar up from Elara's chest and racking it.

"I didn't need your help." She sits up on the bench and turns around to see the Illyrian general smirking.

"I know. I want to spar."

Sighing, she stood and looked at him to assess how serious he was being. He raised his eyebrows in a challenge, daring her to say no. Elara was in no shape to spar and she knew it. On a regular day, she could easily give Cassian a run for his money, but today she was far too fragile to move the way she needed to.

"I need to make sure our governess can still keep the city safe." He was smiling like a cat, knowing he gave a challenge she couldn't possibly say no to.

And then they were in the ring, a flurry of punches, ducking and defensive stances. Elara's mid section was on fire, but the thrill and adrenaline from the fight made her forget everything. She was completely dialed in until there was that feeling in her chest again. A tug on the bond. She hadn't felt it in weeks and it sent her heart into her stomach. Gasping, she lost control of her stance and Cassian landed a hit on her, squarely in her abdomen. She stumbled back, falling into the corner. The breath was completely knocked out of her, her chest and lungs were burning.

"Shit El. Are you okay?"

Elara couldn't catch her breath and it was making her start to panic. Between the sudden tug in her chest that she hadn't expected to the all the sensitive areas of her bruises flaring up, the punch Cassian had landed almost felt like an afterthought.

And now she hyperventilating and couldn't make eye contact with Cassian. This was embarrassing. She was so unable to be loved that she couldn't even handle the feeling of the bond, had a panic attack every time she was reminded of its presence.

He kneeled down in front of her and put his hands on her shoulders.

"El, you've got to breathe. Deep breaths."

Slowly, with the soothing sounds of his voice she calmed down.

"Sorry, Cass. I've just been feeling off today, I think I might be getting sick or someth-"

"El," he's looking right into her eyes and it feels so vulnerable and she knows she has to get out of here.

"El, what's going on?" His eyes had travelled down to her waist, where her shirt had ridden up. Following his line of sight, Elara knows she has to make a decision. Does everything about Merikh unravel right here, or does she tell Cassian an embarassing half truth about where the bruises came from.

It was a no brainer.

"Rough training session last night." It was meant to come out as a joke, but the delivery was half-hearted and Cassian doesn't react in the slightest, just continues looking at her.

Finally, he helps her stand up. She's leaning on him heavily and still trying her best to take deep breaths. She turns around and flinches slightly when she sees Azriel is standing in the doorway of the training rings.

When had he gotten here? How much had he seen?

"Cass, we have to go for a meeting with Devlon." He doesn't say anything to Elara, but catches her eyes for a moment before looking back to Cassian.

The general looked reluctant to leave Elara, but they had a meeting and Azriel was waiting.

Quickly, she took her out. "I'll see the both of you later, have a good meeting." She winnows away before she can even register either of their reactions.

Elara ends the workday in her office, handling some correspondences and then meeting with Sylas about visiting Windhaven. They had identified the citizen of Velaris that defected out to the rogue camp, a young male named Taron. Despite everything, Elara felt empathy for him; he seemed lost, like he was searching for a purpose, she only hoped sense could be talked into him.

After her meeting with Sylas, she'd finishing up some paperwork, slowly, because she dreads going home to Merikh right now more than anything else. A note appears on top of her paperwork in Rhy's handwriting.

My office please, when you can.

After a few deep breaths, she winnowed down the hall and into his office. Rhysand was sitting at his desk, leaned back in his chair with a glass of bourbon. It wasn't unusual for him to end his day with a drink, and Elara knew Rhysand was a good male, but seeing him with the drink put her on edge. It felt too similar to what she been coming home to for the last few years.

He gestured to the seat.

She sat.

The nerves building, logically she knew he probably just wanted to talk about work, but there had been too many close calls recently and the risk of the truth coming out felt far too eminent.

"How are you feeling about your trip to Windhaven?"

"I feel good, Sylas and I finalized our plans today. I'm not excited to be back at the camp, but I know it's necessary."

He nods his head, but doesn't say anything else. Elara refuses to fill the silence.

"I'm concerned about this wayward group in Windhaven, but I'm more concerned about any of their members being in Velaris." Rhys finally says.

"Me as well, I've been working with Cassian to have more patrols and I've been speaking with citizens almost daily to catch anything suspicious , as far as any of us can tell there hasn't been any more activity in the city."

Rhys leans back further in his chair, looking at her intensely.

"I'm concerned about your partner and the access he has to the governess of the city."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm concerned about Merikh. Azriel and Cassian are concerned about his connections in Illyria. And I don't think you've been entirely honest with us."

Elara could feel her power stirring up in her, threatening to blow over.

"What are you trying to say?"

Rhys stands from his chair and walks around until he's leaning against the front of his desk with his arms crossed.

"I'm saying that Merikh has been acting and speaking suspiciously. I'm saying that I sense you haven't been entirely honest recently. I'm worried about my governess and I'm worried about her as a sister.

Elara kept her face completely steeled, her lips pursed and her eyes burning holes into his. She didn't move an inch, didn't betray anything in her emotions. Rhysand stares back and neither one of them are surrendering.

"If you have concerns about Merikh, then they need to be addressed. I can assure you, High Lord, that there are no issues with my honesty or my ability to protect the city."

Rhys still continued to look at her, not saying anything. Elara took that as her cue and walked out of his office.

She headed home, desperately wishing that Merikh was passed out on the couch or simply not home.

Elara entered the house and her senses went up immediately. Her intensified senses picked up the smell of whiskey. Her wings instinctively tucked in closer to herself when she saw Merikh sitting on the couch; he drains his glass and stands up to look at her.

Enough time had passed since the last incident with him that Elara was almost able to forget what he was capable of, but seeing the look in his eyes was a stark reminder.

"I thought I told you not to go to Windhaven, that's no place for you. You're making me look like a fool by going out there."

"How do you know I'm going out there?" It was a stupid thing to come out of her mouth, an instinctual reaction, but her mission was supposed to have been confidential and subsequently all the meetings had been strictly closed door. He had been in the room when she suggested going a few weeks ago, but no one had brought it up since. The orders for the mission had come down from Rhys last week and the meeting with Sylas had been in the afternoon.

Merikh completely ignored your question, but was slowly walking closer to her. He got up in her face and Elara tensed, waiting for the ball to drop. His breath hot on her face, he asks "what do you think all the other Illyrian males will say when they see you out there by yourself? You're too attractive of a female to be roaming around the camps?"

Forget the she was Illyrian and had spent her entire childhood in that camp - was he flirting with her? Was he acting like a jealous male? The kind that's actually protective over their partner?

Elara had no idea what to say to him. She couldn't tell if this was supposed to be an intimate moment for them or if she could set him off at any second, so she simply turned her head up and kissed him. Thankfully, he reciprocated.

Things progressed quickly from there, Elara's anger at Rhys long forgotten, her embarrassment in the training rings drowned out. His hands and mouth were all over her, their clothes flying off of them in a fury.

But still, Elara couldn't stop thinking about how Merikh knew of the mission. Why he was so adamant that she didn't go. It all felt off. But the male standing in front of her had been chosen for her, was her perfect match - he surely had his faults, but there was no way he'd be able to plot anything against her.

With no express warning or preparation, Merikh bent her over to slip inside her. Elara twisted around and put her hands on his forearms, trying to signal she wasn't quite in the mood for that yet, but Merikh was too drunk or indifferent to care.

Turning her back around, he leaned down to whisper in her ear. "Taron won't be able to keep his eyes off of you, don't forget to let him know who you belong to."

This time Elara twisted around to look at him with force. Stood her ground against his rough hands. "What the fuck did you just say?"

"At your trip to Windhaven, don't forget who you belong to."

"No, who is Taron? How do you know him?"

"You wicked bitch, why does it matter?"

She lunges at him and he's fighting back. There has never been a time that she actively fought Merikh, she always became submissive and just waited for it to be over, but this time she realized that Rhys had been correct and the safety of her city and everything she worked for was at stake.

He's fighting back and she's resisting the urge to completely burn him up with a blast of starlight, but she can't muster up the power. Her powers have been dampened. She tries to winnow and she can't. She tries to speak to Rhys or Feyre mind to mind and she can't. She tries to fight back, but she's getting uncharacteristically tired. It starts to feel as though she's paralyzed.

Merikh has an evil look in his eye. He's pushes her to ground, starts kicking her and slashing at her wings, at her face, anything he could.

Elara remains conscious the entire time, but is completely frozen.

Finally, mercifully he places one final kick to her face and leaves. As soon as he's out the door, Elara feels a fizzle in her fingertips. Her magic returning.

She can barely move, barely think and can barely breathe.

With her last ounce of energy and consciousness she screams into Rhysand's mind.

#acotar #azriel #cassian #innercircle #rhysand #azriel x reader #cassian x reader #acotar x reader #x reader angst #Azriel x oc #azriel acotar #azriel shadowsinger #azriel angst

[toastandjamie]

So like, since I’m doing my re-read, I’ve reached The Great Hunt and it’s got me thinking about that of the three Ta’veren boys, Mat is the only one who doesn’t get a pov in the first two books. His first pov is book three and while he definitely makes up for lost time I’ve been thinking about it.

So, when I first read Eye of The World and The Great Hunt and joked with my dad about how Mat was virtually a ‘damsel in distress’ for Rand in the first two books. And while it’s Funny I think the actual reasons I got that vibe is the lack of agency.

So Mat gets daggered very early on in the first book and throughout the Camlyn Road-trip Mat’s main purpose is to be something Rand can worry over or be frustrated by. In writing a character Pov is a major way of establishing agency since it turns the character into an active participant in the story and while it’s not the only way to do this as seen by characters like Morraine and Lan who don’t have povs in the first book either but are still active characters. This becomes especially apparent in book 2 where the major motivation for the boys to even go on the hunt for the horn was to get the dagger back for Mat, so much so that it’s readily established that Rand wouldn’t have gone on the hunt point blank if it wasn’t for Mat and the dagger; yet Mat still has no pov in this book despite being the one primarily affected by losing the dagger. Mat is more or less used as a plot hook in the first two books to force Rand into situations he otherwise would not be in. Such as what happened at Four Kings where Rand repeatedly wants to leave and suggests doing so but Mat insists on staying so they don’t have to sleep in the rain or in the case of the hunt, causes Rand to participate in the hunt with a life or death ticking clock. We don’t get any incite beyond Perrin and Rand noting Mat’s physically declining health, growing paler, losing weight and looking sickly as the book goes on. Mat of course doesn’t ever acknowledge it in dialogue because it’s Mat so we as an audience never get any incite into how Mat feels about the fact that he’s quite literally dying since we don’t have the benefit of his internal monologue.

Compare this to a the time where they subverted the ‘damsel in distress’ trope. with Egwene, there are three major plot lines in which she’s captured and we have povs for all three and in each of those events she still has agency. Even in the damane arc where she is quite literally stripped of her agency she still feels like an active character because we see her trying to defy the Seanchen, she’s not simply a plot device needing to be rescued she’s a character experiencing trauma. Even when Rand was put in the box he continues to evolve as a character and so did Faile during her time with the Shaido. All three had povs, all three were still actively participating in their situation, we knew exactly how they felt about the horrible things happening to them and see them deal with them in ways that show their characterization and growth.

Mat receives none of that. Not until the third book at least when he’s finally freed from the dagger.

So what’s up with that? Well, it’s possibly intentional. Okay so, the dagger of Shader Logoth and it’s Evil overwrites or at least tries to overwrite the person it’s possessing, that’s it’s curse, you become one with the dagger and one with Shadar Logoth. So up until the point Mat is fully healed from the dagger he is not really himself. Even after Morraine partially heals him, calming him down and keeping it from getting worse he’s still not fully Himself, as evidence by his memory loss. Partly it’s repression, but it was also the dagger overwriting his pre-exiting memories, his personality, everything that made him him. In the simplest of terms, Mat quite literally Wasn’t really his own character until book three, in many ways he WAS the dagger. An object with no personal agency but a catalyst for other characters.

#wheel of time #mat cauthon #wheel of time spoilers #wot meta #wot book spoilers

[thatumbrellaoni]

I didn't see this anywhere, so I decided to translate the tarot section of Yu-Gi-Oh! Bunkobon Volume 21, which provides commentary on Bakura Ryou as "The Fool" card. I was very excited to start this due to my longstanding disappointment with Ryou's general absence and lack of role during the Memory World arc, and I was interested in how he related to the tarot he represented.

Well, as I read and kept on reading, it became apparent that this was quite different from what I hoped for. "This isn't the content I was expecting to glean off of it," were my words when I was livetweeting my progress, and I'll elaborate later because this... went... somewhere, I guess?

Some caveats before we start:

This, and all the other tarot write-ups in the other Bunkobons, was not written by Takahashi-sensei but by a person credited as CoZo (see top left corner of the last image below)

Due to the amount of Japanese culture it absolutely immersed me in, I had this peer reviewed by a Japanese native (thank you, ash!) for errors and to make sure the translation was as accurate as possible without much loss to nuances

Related to point two, I also conducted my own research (I dug deep, starting from a JP YGO message board all the way to a 2009 blog post about these same tarot pages by screaming machine gun-san, a prominent YGO doujinshi artist at the time who created the Bakura/Atem books "STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN"), and links are available for clarification (mostly Wikipedia for ease of access, click on underlined/clickable words)

CoZo refers to the characters as such: Ryou as "Bakura Ryou" and Yami Bakura as "Dark Bakura"/"Bakura" (which was troubling and what confused me by the end of all this but more on that afterwards)

Quite the long post ahead! Please enjoy and share your thoughts! I'd love to hear them!

Yu-Gi-Oh! Tarot Theater 63 0　◆　The Fool　◆ The Fool's Journey―Joker―

Making an appearance this time is Yugi’s old friend who turned out to be his greatest enemy, Bakura Ryou. Looking back to when he debuted in the fourth paperback volume, his name quickly foreshadowed that he would be the final enemy.

After repeated mistakes, he should have lost face many times over, yet his steps remain light without a shred of worry on his face. So, who exactly is he?

The name "Joker" is a name familiar to all―they pretentiously sat among dignitaries in medieval Europe, greatly raised the gambling nature of card games, were viewed in contempt by the church at the time because of it, but remained the beloved star of the masses in countryside plays. They appear in folklore around the world, sowing discord unprompted and then disappearing once there is nothing else for them to do.

Neither good nor evil. Seemingly dense but actually cunning. Causes great strife yet garners no hate. Catching Shakespeare's eye catapulted them to stardom―the jesters who served King Lear and King Oberon added conflict and vitality to their respective narratives by speaking to their kings in sarcastic tones and intruding in affairs within the royal palace. They even made it to the operas and the big screen, like J. Nicholson in recent years, playing the archnemesis in Batman, and F. Mercury, who also sang and danced…

A truly unparalleled existence in the literary history of mankind.

"You think they're the enemy, but when you look at them, they're among your allies, smiling innocently." Is that not exactly what Bakura Ryou is?

Despite entering the story fairly early, his first appearance in this project was near the end… But that is what the illustration is all about―an irreverent man with all the worldly wisdom of a fool.

Yu-Gi-Oh! Tarot Theater 64 0　◆　The Fool　◆ Moral Neutrality―Tabula Rasa―

The card Dark Bakura and Yugi used in the Ultimate Dark Game… had a blank face. Thinking of a person or an object existing in memory will make them show up on it. But because only those that exist in memory may be imprinted on the card, Yugi cannot make something appear if it does not exist in memory.

Valuing the rules, Yugi is rendered at a loss. But Bakura, who does not care, summons and fuses non-standard monsters, steals Yugi's abilities, and counterattacks… all as he pleases. Bakura's resourcefulness and cunning stand out, and his mastery of mimicry proves itself as well, but this is where his weakness is exposed―even when nothing is off the table, Yugi is a cut above the rest in his ability to create original concepts that follow the rules and negate exploitative measures.

Tabula rasa… A blank slate. Where comic artists gladly bring their work to life. A pristine state where the greatest joy lies.

Nothingness… Ruin… A world stolen… I have seen heartrending paintings done by war orphans on the news and at exhibitions. Even the hearts of children suffering the ravages of war can be healed through art. Sadness unable to be put into words can only be expressed in pictures. While trying several strategies, therapists came up with "play therapy". Utilizing toys and games, it has been one of the few methods effective for young children with limited vocabulary and without ways to open their hearts though it has yet to be systemized.

Besides drawing, there are other means like creating miniature gardens, methods that use dolls and clay, and swordplay and playing catch for boys. The recent issue of Clinical Research in Psychology reports Saint Seiya as an example of a story wherein "an abandoned child becomes a hero", which was once represented by Susanoo. Perhaps it is for that reason that the series is popular even in South America. Even in Arab countries devastated by ongoing terorrism, one can see children's eyes light up at Captain Tsubasa.

The use of Yu-Gi-Oh! in psychotherapy is not in any way extraneous. On a cold, windy day a few years ago, over one hundred thousand children holding Yu-Gi-Oh! cards in their hands filled the streets of Makuhari, Chiba―and that sight, that excitement, is unforgettable.

Yu-Gi-Oh! Tarot Theater 65 0　◆　The Fool　◆ An Untainted Soul Adrift―Trickster―

Society has long known the true identity of "The Fool". Passed down through myths and folklore, psychologists called them "Tricksters". Puck, Kokopelli, Goku, Ivan the Fool, Hans… In Japan, Susanoo, Hikoichi, Amanojaku, and so forth would fall under this category. When the Trickster's wicked side surfaces, they are called… Villains. Thieves. Imps. Violators of order… Those hold true for Bakura as well.

Yugi is a boy with numerous "shadows", and Bakura can be considered as one of them. Men with a darkness to them are said to be charming, but I think the charm lies in those who have the capacity to keep that darkness under control and not let it show.

Yes. Yugi had several shadows. An evil existence… which was Marik. A pharaoh, a dark presence sealed within the tomb of memory living in hiding for years. And then Bakura, the childishness Yugi is now breaking away from. Whenever Yugi sees Bakura, immature and unfailingly blithe, it frustrates him because it feels like looking at his old self. Yet despite this bewilderment, he is unable to let Bakura go.

This time, Bakura's juvenile nature brought forth unfathomable terror. The insatiable monstrosity that is boundless, childlike enthusiasm was about to wreak unimaginable destruction upon the world. Bakura's occasional euphoric glee after a rampage is characteristic of how a child expresses gratification. To him, world war and total annihilation could be "playfulness".

Delighting in foul play and mimicry, Bakura does not actually know how to "play". Back then, children had an omiso―they could be a child from out of town, the youngest of the group, the slowest among them, and the like―in their games who was given more lenient and special rules, so they could mingle with the others and all play together properly. When the omiso unexpectedly played more actively, they were then allowed more freedom in games. But children nowadays do not know of the olden days, are less likely to play in groups outside, and only play games with peers that are on the same level as them. For example, even if the wind sprite Matasaburou or a zashiki-warashi spirit came to play, they would not have any way to do so… A wise mother could then only prepare an abundance of snacks and say, "This is for you, spirit. Thank you for playing with us."

In this day and age, we have lost the sense to accept unique individuals like Sendai Shirou, who may be slow-witted but pleasant. Getting along with them hinges on "fun". Can Yugi and his friends play well with Bakura?

Yu-Gi-Oh! Tarot Theater 66 0　◆　The Fool　◆ Bakura Ryou

"The Fool" is wise in the ways of the world and an excellent imitator. Sometimes it is even very powerful. When the great boom of the Middle Ages ended, it was the only one able to slip into playing cards and stay relevant after the tarot was in decline. It can substitute for a missing card in a row in "Sevens", surprise the player with a loss in "Old Maid", and turn the tables at the last second as a wild card in "Poker". It is an outrageous cheat. And quite the pest. But despite all that, it is a reassuring ally when a dealt hand is lacking. After all, it can become any card. Evidently, "The Fool" is ineffective on its own but suddenly becomes extremely powerful when borrowing the strength of others. There are people like that all over the world, so understand their nature and get along with them well. However, it could turn out to be an unfavorable yet inescapable relationship.

The Tarot Speaks―――

Upright

- New beginnings

- Blank slate

- Frivolous

- Reckless

- Innocent

- Immature

- Wasteful

- Deciding too early

- A love full of potential

- A love not yet awakened

- Elopement

- Be curious and go out into the world

- Journey

- Studying abroad

- Visionary

- Obsessed with something

- Over-the-top geek

- Job-hopping part-timer

- Careless with their health

Reversed

- Misjudgment caused by information overload

- Keep calm and decide

- Foolish choices

- Not being vague

- Failing because they messed around too much

- Moody

- Futile actions

- Interruption of studies

- Dropout

- Drifter

- Going the wrong way

- Runaway

- Reckless love

- Foolish love

- Show business

- Unemployed

- Head in the clouds

The young man's journey begins on a blank page. The magical items are long gone.

He has no destination in mind either.

Nevertheless, the young man heads for the wilderness alone.

No, he brought only one thing with him.

A writing tool. With it, he draws his own world on the blank page.

What could he be drawing…?

We will have to wait and see.

Works cited:

Clinical Research in Psychology, Volume 14, Issue 3. The Japanese Society for Clinical Psychology, 1996.

Concept by CoZo

END.

This was an accomplishment and a half. But I'm far from feeling accomplished, just frustrated. In the end, barely anything written on there was directly about Ryou because I feel like CoZo lumped Bakura and Ryou together as one, which really bothered me. If it wasn't about Bakura, though, it was about Yugi (or Atem, not sure which one CoZo was referring to at any given time, really, since they were seemingly lumped in as one as well). Even Marik got a mention ("evil", quite the disservice of a mention too)! Nearly lost motivation finishing the translation, to be honest.

Overall, this seemed... off to me, especially the "Tabula Rasa" and "Trickster" pages. I can see where CoZo was coming from? Maybe? "Play therapy" (Ryou's talent for creating figurines/dioramas) for Ryou after experiencing a family tragedy... He's the omiso... His language is through (his love for) games... But I can't see Bakura as simply not knowing how to "play" or that world war and annihilation are mere "playfulness" to him (with the Kul Elna massacre plot point and all that). Yugi sees his old self in Bakura...? You lost me.

I'm not sure who CoZo is. I searched them up, found someone similar in name, but ultimately didn't learn who they were or what their background was or why they were featured in the Bunkobans (and I just didn't care enough). CoZo might be a tarot expert for all we know, but they didn't know much about the actual character they were talking about to effectively relate "The Fool" to them. And it shows! Like I said, they just talked about Bakura like he was Ryou, like they're the same character (which made me think of the DSOD theory that there isn't a "Bakura", just a Ryou corrupted by the Millennium Ring's evil, but that's neither here nor there).

I mentioned that I came across a 2009 blog post by screaming machine gun-san while researching (it was through them that I realized why this write-up was so confusing to me), and they said it best:

"Hey, commentators... Can you please separate Bakura Ryou, Thief King Bakura, and self-proclaimed 'Zorc' Dark Bakura? You can separate your burnables but not this chaos!? No matter how chaotic these three are, this is not chaos!"

Look, I get it. The Bakuras are the most confusing part of YGO. But come on... You confuse the Bakuras, then you end up confusing the hell out of me!

We have three! They're distinct (see alt text lmao)!

Anyway, in closing, I was planning on translating the rest of the tarot pages for each Bunkobon, but if they're all going to be like... uh, this, I'm not enthusiastic about it.

Special thanks to Aariachang24. His translations of "The Magician" (Atem + BM + BMG) and "The High Priestess" (Ishizu) tarot cards inspired me.

#bakura ryou #yami bakura #thief king bakura #ryou bakura #yugioh #ygo #bakura #dark bakura #jp to eng #umbrella #I feel like I wasted my time #there was no ryou after all #back to rereading ygo in jp #hope yall enjoy whatever this turned out to be #I sure as hell dont know if I did or not #Im like 50/50

[snek-panini]

At long last, I have a new book to share! Feels like forever since the last one. This is Vita Nova, a fantastic Good Omens fic by @philoomenaa that I asked to bind way back in October. It took me a while to get here and I learned several new techniques for this bind but it was so very worth the wait. It's an excellent pre-season 2 story from 2019-2020, involving the fandom's favorites dealing with an unexpected bout of both humanity and memory loss. It's just...really really good and I love it.

More photos and process talk under the cut! There are a lot of details to see with this one.

One of the things I learned for this bind was homemade book cloth. I used the heat n bond method and had pretty good results with this satiny bronze cloth that I found in the Joann's remnant bin. The making of the cloth was fairly straightforward but it handles very differently to regular book cloth. The satin is really slippery and absolutely would not hold a crease at the hinge. I think it also shrank a little at the gluing stage? Which sounds weird but I left my usual amount of space for the corner turn-ins but still had teeny tiny gaps on three of the corners, which has never happened to me before. I also had an issue with glue seepage when I applied HTV to the cover and spine. You can see this in the images above, and here in the spine photos:

Part of the reason it has that fancy art nouveau frame on the cover is an attempt to hide this. I think it's the heat press re-activating the heat n bond to cause it. I found out two things here: that fabric requires less press time than book cloth or cardstock, and that if you move the heat press slowly but constantly like an iron it is way less likely to do this. I was super disappointed that it happened but now, a few days later, it doesn't seems so bad. I guess some items just come with a little personal history already baked in.

Here, have some more glamour shots:

The geometric endpapers were chosen specifically to go with this cloth. I found them at the same craft store and knew I had use them together, they look so incredible. And I learned edge gilding for this project! It was very annoying. The final result here is with heat transfer foil, and I did about six tests on scrap text blocks before I got a result I was at all satisfied with. I tried rub n buff (great coverage, not shiny enough, kept coming off on my fingers even after curing for 2 days) and an actual gilding kit (flaked off as soon as I separated the pages). The heat foil still has some patchy spots but was by far the best-looking result. I also learned double-core end bands for this project! Because I wanted some kind of match for those opulent endpapers and didn't want to settle for just two colors. I think they came out pretty well for a first try and I'll definitely be doing them again.

Couple of photos of the ribbon I chose for the bookmark. It's probably a little too wide for a book this length; you can see in the end band photo that I had to fold it in half to get it to lay in the spine properly. But it looks so good with the other design elements that I couldn't resist. Luxury all the way on this one.

Speaking of luxury, have a look at the interior:

From left to right, we have the title page, the ornament I chose for the chapter numbers, and the scene break divider. All the images came from rawpixel with just the lightest amount of editing from me. The chapter image is the same as the star on the title page, but I made it gray and took out the center to turn it into a frame for the numbers. The cloth and endpapers really set the tone for this one all the way through, and all the other design choices followed from there. It's really gorgeous, guys. I love it so much.

And that's it! That was the last work in progress I had from 2023, and I'm so pleased to have finally finished it. Hope you like it, AMidnightDreary!

#bookbinding #fanbinding #snek makes books #good omens #i can't believe it's done it's been a wip for like four months #i am still a little sad about the glue but it really is gorgeous and I'm proud of it

[fanfic-lover-girl]

Pureblood Purists Actually Have Valid Concerns

Disclaimers

Before I start my post let me make 2 disclaimers since some people have a tendency to twist words on Tumblr:

Not all blood purists were death eaters. I am not condoning DE terrorism here. I am referring to people who held pureblood beliefs but never fought in a war to oppress people.

Harry Potter is a fictional world. My arguments are not meant to be extended to the real world.

Assumption about Magic

JKR does not specify the origin of magic. Is it like ATLA where it's a spiritual kind of thing and people are blessed by Lady Magic? Or is it a gene thing and wizards are a subspecies of human? For me, I am going to go with magic being a gene thing. If magic was like bending in ATLA then wizards should not be such a tiny minority.

Missed Potential of Umbridge Interrogation Scene

This post was inspired by Book 7, Chapter 13 – The Muggle-born Registration Commission. Specifically, the part where Umbridge is interrogating this poor muggle-borne woman named Mrs Cattermole.

‘Could you please tell us from which witch or wizard you took that wand?’

Umbridge's line of questioning is so ridiculous and JKR missed a golden opportunity to introduce some nuance here. She paints all purebloods who are not blood traitors as evil/bigoted. Just because this is a kid's book it does not mean she has to treat kids like idiots. Instead of painting purebloods as bigoted fools who believe magic can be stolen or sadists making up crack in this sham kangaroo court, she could have used this dialogue to present valid and ignored concerns of purebloods. Instead of crap like this, the Voldemort regime could be jailing purebloods who married muggles or mugglebornes on the count of them diluting their race. Or maybe firing half-bloods and mugglebornes and giving those jobs to purebloods. These actions are still wrong but at least they would be rational and add some depth. And purebloods have serious cause for concern. Let me point out 5.

Concern 1 - Existence of Squibs

In the books, we don't know the blood status of the parents of prominent squibs like Filch. But I bet the likelihood of your kid being a squib increases dramatically if one of the parents is muggleborne.

It makes sense to me that mugglebornes could be descendants of squibs. Making mugglebornes basically muggles who won the genetic lottery. In book 2 I think, Arthur claimed Granger was a historical wizard figure and asked Hermione if she bore a relation to him. She denies this but what if someone in the Granger family was a squib in the past and years later she got lucky?? So basically if you mate with a muggleborne, you are basically reproducing with a muggle. Which in turn increases the chances of a squib kid. Squibs can't function in the magic world properly.

Concern 2 - Wizards are a minority

Wizards are a minority in a muggle majority. It's a fact that minorities are wiped out when they reproduce with the majority.

Hagrid says this in book 2:

“Dirty blood, see. Common blood. It’s mad. Most wizards these days are half-blood anyway. If we hadn’t married Muggles we’d’ve died out.”

If Hagrid is right and most wizards are half-blood, how is this a good thing? Given enough time, if wizards keep diluting their race like this by reproducing with muggles, the wizard minority will slowly be erased which leads to...

Concern 3 - Cultural Erasure

It's more than just blood dilution but loss of tradition. Even if a muggleborne like Hermione integrates into the wizarding world, she will never truly grasp certain customs and traditions that pureblood families like the Weasleys and Malfoys will. For example, I came to the US for college. Even though I have been here for half a decade now, I will never understand what it is like to grow up as a kid in the US. I don't appreciate US holidays like Thanksgiving and Memorial Day. My kid likely will but they will have to learn those customs from an external source or maybe my future husband's family. Someone like Hermione may even see some pureblood/wizarding traditions as archaic and unnecessary. Over time, wizards will lose their culture and practically become muggles with magic. Which is why Hermione being minister of magic sometimes leaves a sour taste in my mouth. There's a reason why only born citizens can become president/prime minister for countries like the US (I would like to believe there is a reason anyway).

Concern 4 - Reproductive Issues?

Also, why did wizards need muggles to survive in the first place? Were the women/men having fertility issues? Was the wizarding population so minuscule that they were inbreeding? Or were they simply just horny for muggles? If small native/African tribes are/were able to survive without reproducing with white invaders or other outsiders why is it different for wizards??

Concern 5 - Lack of New Blood

Still focusing on Hagrid's quote. Let's say every pureblood family started with a muggleborne wizard/witch. Therefore given enough generations, Granger could theoretically become a pureblood name like Malfoy or Weasley. But there's a problem: there aren't enough mugglebornes!

Read Hagrid's quote carefully. He said wizards would have died out if they did not intermarry with muggles. Not that wizards would have died out without mugglebornes adding to the population!

This further adds to my blood dilution argument. Basically, we have a fixed magical gene pool which is being stretched every generation with more and more half-bloods being popped out.

Conclusion

Pureblood purists have rational reasons to favour blood purity and to be frustrated with "blood traitors". As more pureblood families like the Weasleys intermarry with muggles/mugglebornes, there is an ever-smaller marriage pool for purebloods. Throw in cultural dilution too.

If JKR wanted to add depth to the muggleborne discrimination, she should have shown how mugglebornes are critical to the survival of wizarding kind and how much purebloods actually need them. Maybe show them using their muggle knowledge to improve wizarding society while she's at it too? But it's like muggebornes like Lily and Hermione have amnesia and forget all about their muggle background! At least make wizards reap the benefit of magic and technology to balance out the issues of reproducing with mugglebornes and muggles.

I just wish JKR could have given purebloods more of a voice. Not all purebloods are crazy, bloodthirsty DEs or Dumbledore bootlickers. And oftentimes, there are reasons behind discrimination that should be examined and explored, instead of just demonized. Harry Potter is seven books worth of wasted potential. I don't know how anyone can say JKR was excellent at world building when the wizarding world feels so tiny and incomplete.

#jkr critical #world building #deathly hallows #harry potter books #pureblood culture #pureblood society #wizarding world #harry potter series #hermione granger #this post is not really about hermione but I just mention her as an example #squibs #cultural genocide #muggles #muggleborn #wasted potential #hp meta #pureblood families #magic as a gene trait #discrimination #dolores umbridge #hp black and white morality is boring #pureblood #blood purity #pureblood politics #half blood #cultural erasure #loss of tradition #death eaters #voldemort regime

[starwalker03]

Im curious about your Ric arc rewrite. Would you share of ideas you had for it?

man. it's all loose soup in my brain rn hang on lemme get a ladle.

So let me preface this with the fact that I actually haven't read the Ric arc. And I also haven't read a lot of comics over all (cause there wasn't a comic book store in my hometown and comics are not exactly easy to get in to).

So first, a quick recap of the RIc Grayson storyline:

Dick Grayson is shot in the head by KGBeast, which does not kill him but does send him into a coma. during his time in the hospital, a member of the court of owls becomes his doctor and uses a fancy magic crystal to alter his memories. this is what causes the amnesia.

The intention was for the memory alterations to become a means of changing his memories so that his grandfather, William Cob, could manipulate him into becoming a Talon.

He leaves behind the family and the title of Nightwing and becomes a taxi driver in Bludhaven who, according to wikipedia, "frequents bars" which is just another way of saying "became a borderline alcoholic with no real social life".

Eventually, Cob gets a hold of him and does, in fact, make him a Talon, and he breaks out of it after a group of people take on the Nightwing mantle and he comes across them in battle. He spares one of them cause they have a family/kids or smth.

After this, Joker gets a hold of the crystal and uses it to make Dick think he's Joker's adopted son "Dickie Boy" so he can use him to fight the bats.

Alright, we're all caught up? splendid. Along the line here he gets a girlfriend named Bea, as well, but nothing of particular note is coming up about her in the summaries I've found.

So my main points to change/alter/extrapolate on here would be:

make Bea a real character with agency

Not use every comic book means necessary to turn Dick into a stereotypical cliche of a toxic man

change the Dickie Boy storyline

make Dick stay stuck with the family a bit longer so the impact to the dynamics of the fam can actually be explored

So let's begin.

Dick Grayson is a character that constantly has to act as a middle ground or source of morality or otherwise emotional support to those around him, especially the batfamily. We're seeing currently the way the gotham war of Batman/Catwoman is being affected because Dick has finally decided that he is done trying to fix Batman's stupid angry controlling traumatized brain because frankly Bruce won't let him and better yet Bruce doesn't want him to. And if that's how it's gonna be than Dick has now realised it'd be better off if he just took care of his family, sans Bruce, and did his best to keep Bruce in line (not killing people out of uncontrolled anger).

I think the Ric Grayson storyline could be a really good part of him coming to this decision.

Dick wakes up in the hospital with amnesia, that would stay the same. I think it can also stay the same that the Court of Owls could be at fault for that (maybe this time not with a bogus magic crystal though). Dick is shown throughout comics to have trouble sometimes struggling with anger, but nowadays he can usually control it. with amnesia he cannot.

I think it would be important to settle on an actual point in his life that he remembers up to, namely his parent's death. After his parents died he was filled with the need for vengeance, and when Bruce took him in he was able to learn to redirect that into trying to make sure that no other kid had to feel the way he did. Vengeance versus Justice/honouring your parents memory. regress his memory to having just watched his parents die, then he's raw enough that the court would, in fact, be able to do something with him.

In fact, get rid of the ex machina of memory loss altogether. some vague handwaving about head trauma and surgery and court sciences to say that they ruined his memory, and that's it. There's no fancy tool that you wave around and excuse everything.

This would be a great way to welcome new readers too! because you could start the stroyline with a recap/redo (allowing for any retcons to his origin necessary) of how Dick became Robin. Then it opens on him waking up with the amnesia. He has to remeet everyone important in his life, which means new readers would be able to very quickly get the gist of who all these people are (and comics have little boxes for references to things, so they could include references like *see [insert comic title and number here] for [insert character name here]).

He's struggling, because the last thing he remembers is his parents dying. He's able to relearn a lot of things quickly, like motor skills, langauge, other such general things (which they do briefly show in the comics I think, so props to that) but the actual memories still allude him.

Bruce says he's going to spend time with the family in the manor, then, which he figures is fair enough. It's not like he has a lot of other options.

Over the course if his time in the manor he is constantly bombarded with information, and people keep looking to him for emotional support/regulation and expecting him to fill a role he no longer can. this all boils over in an argument between Dick and Bruce, because Bruce needs Nightwing back, he's far too important of a piece in the overall machine that is this family, but Dick can't give him that.

Eventually he goes it alone, and he meets Bea along the way.

So now, he is revisting his first trauma without the emotional development that allowed him to move past the idea of vengeance, he doesn't remember any of the people he loves, and he also has a sour taste in his mouth about them all because they keep expecting him to just be better. all his bridges are burned.

This becomes a new origin of Nightwing, for the new readers, and a means for old readers to see something new in something old.

I'd give Bea a real backstory, and she and Dick both bond over their wish to get closure over something that happened in their youth. they lean on each other, so the eventual romance has a good grounds to build on.

In Dick's newly fueled urge to get revenge on Tony Zucco, the court would have plenty to work with. When he's eventually taken by William Cob, I'd have Bea follow clues about him and his belongings to find his family so she can save Dick from whoever it was that kidnapped him.

Additionally: Bea could be one of the civilians who, in the wake of crime in Bludhaven skyrocketing from Nightwing's absence, decided to try their hand at being Nightwing. Which would be an interesting foil for Dick, who has left it behind. And would also make for a funny moment when she inevitably reveals this to Dick and he has to explain everything.

The person Dick spares could then be Bea, which adds more tension to the romantic subplot, and would be how she figures out who/what kidnapped him. Which is when she'd go and track down Bruce and the fam and make them come save Dick.

Things could reach a climax by the court bringing in Tony Zucco. Have William dramatically explain to another guy 'years ago, Batman convinced Dick not to kill Tony Zucco, and he became a hero with such deeply set morals that we couldn't hope to manipulate him. But now we have stripped him of that, and he will have another chance to make this decision. And this time he will choose the right one'

Dick will, of course, not kill Zucco. It is at this time that the fam comes crashing in to save him. he frees Zucco, realising that it was never Bruce who made him a good person, never Bruce that he owed his morals and his good heart and his emotional strength, but himself, he had it in him all along, and he knows that killing isn't the right thing to do.

wham bam thank you ma'am story over. Some loose threads to tie up about Dick becoming Nightwing again and everything, but that's okay, that's what the next issue is for. It sets up a perfect sequel that is still beginner friendly but also has enough to it that long-time readers could enjoy it. Dick has managed to start getting his memorie sback now but he's still coming across flashbacks here and there, he's moving back into Bludhaven, he's redetermining what it means to be Nightwing, and he's cleaning up Bludhaven from the crimes that have skyrocketed in his absence.

He also then has the civillians who took up the Nightwing role, including Bea, who can act as a cast of new friendly faces as opposed to trying to drag up old Nightwing side-characters and reintroduce them to everyone.

The Dickie Boy storyline can be changed. Dick doesn't need two different comic lines of him being manipulated and mind controlled into becoming a glorified servant for the bad guys one after the other. one is enough. this also means the Court is cemented as Dick's bad ending/angsty backstory/villain persona stuff, y'know?

You know which robin already has a story as being Joker's adopted son? Tim! Tim already has that! Joker Junior is a thing! and people loved it! Let him do that.

Joker has stated in comics before, I believe, that the reason he hates the first robin is he could never get his paws on him and hurt him the way he did the other robins, which is such a fun way of having a different relationship between Dick's robin and joker as compared to the other robins! keep that! you don't need to change that!

And also, it means Dick gets a moment, fresh out of his amnesia arc, where there's a really bad awful thing happening to his family, which could be the catalyst for him remembering more things.

#dc comics #fanfiction #dick grayson #angst #nightwing #ric grayson #amnesia arc #batfamily #beatrice bennett #batman #meta post #long post #rewrite #there's probably a lot of things I'm forgetting #and details I'm leaving out #but I think this is already a significantly better start #than what we got in canon #but I wanna hear everyone's thoughts!

[makethosenarratorsfight]

UNRELIABLE NARRATORS; SIDE C

Percy Jackson Propaganda:

cause he'll talk about the most terrifying dangerous things like theyre a piece of cake and downplays everything while the other characters are like holy sh

he is biased to what he believes constantly he is not accurate with what he says and he doesnt know whats going on 75% of the time thus affecting his pov

Harrowhark Propaganda:

She gave herself a lobotomy and gives completely incorrect flashbacks to the previous book. Things that straight up did not happen. Gaslight gatekeep girlboss.

She’s schizophrenic (confirmed by the author) and also lives in a world with necromancy and ghostly revenants. She’s not just an unreliable narrator for readers, she’s an unreliable narrator of her own internal experience. She knows this and has to work with people around her to compensate for it. Descent into spoilerville below. Seriously Do Not Read if you want to read these books. There’s also the little matter about how she is *not actually the narrator* of a huge chunk of the story that we are initially led to believe is being told from her perspective.

(Spoilers) Holy shit she is THE most unreliable narrator. This gremlin gave herself a lobotomy so that she could forget about Gideon Nav, the most important person in her life (for magic soul-preserving reasons) so half of the second book in the series is spent gaslighting the reader about a book they just read. She comes up with an entire alternate version of the events of the first book in the series to carefully exclude any mentions of Gideon, and any time someone says ‘Gideon’ in front of her she LITERALLY has a stroke and/or an intercranial hemorrhage as her brain overwrites the word with someone else’s name. God occasionally intentionally triggers her memory revision to get out of difficult conversations. She also hallucinates ALL the time (unrelated to the lobotomy). She shows up at her frenemy’s room in the middle of the night (think little kid stumbling to their parents’ room and saying “I frew up”) to ask her to come check underneath her bed for the corpse that’s been wandering the space station. When frenemy checks underneath the bed, frenemy claims not to see anything, and Harrow is such an unbelievably unreliable narrator that it’s an open question in the fandom as to whether frenemy genuinely didn’t see the corpse or if frenemy was just yanking Harrow’s chain. Harrow is also haunted by a literal ghost that fucks up her already fucked up alternate history. Girlie will pick up a piece of paper and read from it the most violent and haunting piece of prose ever composed, when in reality all that’s written on the paper is the elementary school Superman S*. I am NOT joking that is a real goddamn scene. Harrow was created to win this poll. TLDR; she has brain damage and memory loss, she hallucinates, and is also haunted. * https://twitter.com/vestenet/status/1301012651145859072

Girl is so unreliable, she unreliably tells me events I was there for!!! She's retelling the previous book and I'm like "girlie, this is absolutely not how it happened". Also, she gave herself a DIY lobotomy, it has to impact your memory center I guess

She literally had a lobotomy, how can she be reliable

Rest of Propaganda under cut!

Harrowhark is simply the unreliable narrator of all time. Can’t remember shit because of a lifetime of trauma? Check. Maybe lying to yourself and those around you a bit? Most definitely. Being gaslit by the survivors you depend on to orient you to reality? For sure. How about a little bit of canon schizophrenia? She’s got it all. Ghosts? Or something? Spirits that are attached in some way to your body and are not perceivable by others? Sure, sure! But how about spirits that are attached in some way to your body and are gonna use you to hijack others’ bodies and maybe kill God, too? Absolutely. Wee bit of DIY brain surgery? If it would make you an unreliable narrator, friends, then Harrowhark Nonagesimus has been there, been subjected to that!

Okay I don't know that much about this series since I haven't convinced myself to read all of the first book, but this is my blorbo in law so I'd feel bad not spreading propaganda (all of what I'm saying is something I've read, as to prevent myself from straight up submitting misinformation). So all of Harrow's unreliable narration takes place in the second book, Harrow the Ninth. Basically, without her even seemingto acknowledge it, Harrow's brain is very fucked up during this book, to the point where even she's not sure how reliable her narrative is. There's many questions left unclear as a result of her fucked up little brain, like what's real, what's fake, whether we can trust her judgement, whether even she can trust her own judgement, whether her original cavalier is dead or not (Harrow is convinced she is), etc. Let me tell you, I adore unreliable narrators who aren't even that sure if they're reliable. I have yet to eat that trope up here in this circumstance, but this poll might not run again by the time I do, so for now, here's my messed up blorbo in law.

OKAY SO REMEMBER MY GIDEON SUBMISSION? HARROW DOESN’T! SPOILERS AHEAD BECAUSE SHE LOBOTOMIZED HERSELF TO FORGET GIDEON BECAUSE THAT’S A HEALTHY WAY TO GRIEVE AND THEN IN THE ONLY PARTS OF HER BOOK THAT SHE NARRATES (THE REVISED CANAAN HOUSE PARTS) IT’S LITERALLY A ROOM FULL OF GHOSTS HER BRAIN SUMMONED TO DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT SHE CUT HER BRAIN IN HALF TO FORGET GIDEON. she also is a) haunted and b) psychotic, experiencing hallucinations her entire life of both the ghosts haunting her and less supernatural hallucinations- bells tolling, bones rattling, her parents (some of the only dead people NOT haunting her), etc! in the revised history of canaan house that her brainghosts invent, she brings along someone who knows about her psychosis to help reality check her when she tells him go! her caregiver as a child and support when she got older, crux, is a horrible man- but at one point, when someone other than harrow is in harrow’s body and tells him “i am not harrowhark, i am sorry,” his response is simply “aye, you’ve said that before too. who are you then, if not my lady harrowhark?” showing his familiarity with her psychosis and his love for the child he wouldn’t dare see as a daughter. but enough about that lets talk about her unreliable narration! she lies about her feelings of course but she also simply hides the truth from everyone, all the time, compulsively. also literally the entire section of her book that she narrates is a lie she’s telling US about a lie she’s telling HERSELF and no one understands even a little bit of the truth until like the last act of the book. queen.

#harrowhark nonagesimus #the locked tomb #percy jackson #percy jackson and the heroes of olympus #the heros of olympus #pjo #unreliable narrator battle #unreliable narrators #side c #polls

[nonbinaryvee]

1. How long have you been into hypnosis?

Over 20 years im 35, aol chat and latch key kid lol

2. Describe your first experience with hypnosis

A child therapist when I was 6 or 7

3. Are there any TV shows/movies/books you liked when you were younger that you think got you into hypnosis?

Multiple - one early memory is of the droopy cartoon and Elvira brainwashes him, also the schooby do ghoul school movie brainwashing bat headphones, the snake in jungle book iant a hard hitting memory.

4. Are you primarily a hypnotist or a subject?

Subject but am adapt as a tist

5. Are you primarily a dom/me or a sub?

Super duper submissive lol like it's embarrassing

6. What do you love about being hypnotised?

The loss of anxiety, my brain being "off", and the submission relates to it.

7. What do you love about hypnotising people?

I actually really enjoy training or coaching, so Im not dominant but love helping someone achieve thier goals. I see it a lot like a service.

8. How do you feel when hypnotised?

When I'm really deep I'm absent like totally disassociation. Like floating in water almost with the reverberation of the water

9. How do you feel when you hypnotise someone else?

Like when I zone out playing a video game, I need to hit the right buttons to win the game. So I get self tranced kinda.

10. Are you a difficult subject?

Yes and no. Im super easy to drop, enjoy, and play with. However my subconscious is pretty wild, and hard to pin down into a focused direction. So long term results may very lol..

11. What’s your ‘signature move’ as a hypnotist?

Doing what the subject wants, staying very in limits, and leaving the subject with a deep enjoyment of water. Actually enjoying the taste of possible...cause it's almost sadistic to make anti hydrating people hydrate lol

12. What’s your favourite kind of hypnotic induction?

Consented to conversational hypnosis that leads into Ericksonian themed guidance.

13. Do you like visual fixation (on spirals, eyes, swinging objects etc.) for hypnosis?

I love it lol. But sometimes it's better for bdsm rp hypnosis and less for getting good results.

14. What are your favourite kinds of hypnosis play?

I really enjoy fetish creation and accidental self help for others. For me...well, I like hard kinks cnc addition, memory play, corruption, if I had irl hypno dom ild be pretty free use..

15. What other kinks do you like to incorporate into your hypno play?

Pet play, equipment, feminization, toilet play,.identity play, all sorts. It could literally make any scene more fun for me. It's my number one kink.

16. For you, is the appeal of hypnosis primarily sexual or not?

It's both relaxing, a hobby, and sexual. It's kinda just my favorite thing lol

17. What are some post-hypnotic suggestions you particularly enjoy (for others or yourself)?

I love simple pleasure triggers. .good girl is so classic, good boy, good pet , those are just the best.

18. Describe your best experience involving hypnosis

My long term enjoyment of Bambi files.

19. Describe a bad experience you had involving hypnosis? Why was it bad? Why did it go wrong?

I worked with a subject over the course of months, experimenting with hypnosis capabilities, we decided to try and have their hair color change through natural causes. What ended up happening was that their subconscious took over, made them go into what.thwy described as "drone mode" even tho that had never been a theme we used. And purchased hair dye, almost got kicked out of their home as they were just 19 and parents hadn't accepted them as fem. It was pretty scary and not meant to ever become unsafe for them, we took a few days to de program her entirely after that. And then she ghosted me. I understand why, even though it was all consented to, I learned a lot about the limits of hypnosis.

20. What’s one tip you have for other hypnotists/subjects?

Every one's sensations are hyper individualistic as a newer subject. The one thing I'd want both sets to know, is that new subjects should not be directed to feel anything like heavy or light or floaty. Just say trance or hypnosis, then identify the feeling they associate to trance. This is the number issue i see, new subjects feel like failures because they're sensations don't line up with the guides suggestions this loosing faith and trust in the trancing process. And for hypnotists it's probably just because of troupes and the average trance script as those things in them.

21. Do you have any tips for how to negotiate hypnosis play?

It has to be consented to before scene starts.period. consent is sexy. Even if it's premising cnc. Communication is key to any relationship, and kinky dynamics are just that personified. Having an understanding of what the subjects long term wants are important with hypnosis play, also it has to be stared that deep real hypnosis is a R.A.C.K practice if done right. If the subject is blanking an entire trance, that's akin to needing a trip nanny while using hallucinating on illicit things. Like asphyxiation play, public humiliation, and a few others hypnosis can have out-of-the-scenes consequences. Hence why knowing your subjects over all goals for interaction is sooo important. Do they want an escape? Or do they want to loose human rights(in a kinky consenting way for 24/7 pets).

22. Do you like your hypnosis to involve power exchange, or not?

I enjoy it when I'm the subject but avoid it as the hypnotist

23. For you, how does hypnosis fit into a relationship? Just in the bedroom, or as part of BDSM relationship?

It can be both. Or one or the other. It's such a dynamic activity I would personally hate to limit it.

24. Are you interested in a 24/7 hypnotic enslavement relationship?

Yes. Way more than a healthy amount lol.

25. Have you ever experienced strong, sudden feelings for a hypnotist/subject? How did you deal with that?

Yes. It's kinda normal for me for anyone who's nice to me, for me to immediately dive deep. I just roll with it when it's not reciprocated as it's the sop at this point lol

26. Are you interested in hypnotising/being hypnotised by people of a gender you are not attracted to?

So as a pansexual... n/a lol. But I do prefer feme people so getting tranced by masq people? Still yes lol

27. What’s your favourite work of hypnosis erotica?

There was a omniscient therapy story that was great lol but don't get to read much

28. What’s your favourite spiral?

The ones in my DMs lol is there a bad one?

29. What’s your favourite hypno-themed image/caption/piece of art?

I really enjoy the indie artists that just randomly have hypno smut plastered online. They all deserve oral for their valiant efforts to keep the masses under hypnotic horny controls

30. What’s your favourite audio file/audio file producer?

Hmmm 🤔 platinum puppets is winning right now .

31. What’s your favourite book/movie/TV show that includes hypnosis?

Hmmm anime lol

32. Describe your biggest fantasy involving hypnosis?

The hole 10 yards honestly, life take over. For me, getting actually kidnapped and changed to their liking

33. Do you have any fantasies about non-consensual hypnosis? Describe them

...yes...waking up to pictures getting taken of me then blanking out again, waking up in a pink room and not being able to.focus, then it starts again. Then getting shown all the porn I've been made into while not in trance. Simple private messages with no description, hypnosis files linked and told to listen with no knowledge of the script. So many ways to give my mind away 🤤

34. What’s one fictional character you’ve fantasised about hypnotising/being hypnotised by?

Poison ivy

35. Do you like intelligence loss/bimbofication hypnosis? Why?

Probably my favorite. I can't stop thinking. About things wildly out of my control. Also choices give me anxiety. You know who doesn't do that? Dumb bimbos

36. Do you like amnesia play? Why?

Yes, it's just an intense rush being unaware of my own actions..a loss of control able to be identified internally. It's like the control is inside me. And it's lovely

37. Do you like freeze triggers? Why?

Yes and no .they just don't really feeze my body.

38. Do you like pleasure triggers? Why?

Mmmmmmmm yeah. For one good girl is a trigger I cant stop. At all. It happens 100%. No choice so it s just fun. But who doesn't want pleasure??? Like obvious

39. Do you like alternate personalities created through hypnosis? Why?

Not really. I don't wish my natural state on any one. It's hard

40. Do you like feminization hypnosis? Why?

Yes. Its such a nice thing for trans fems. And honestly it just a great way to do forced.fem link scenes

41. Have you ever experienced a “hands-free” orgasm as a result of hypnosis?

No, 😔😔😔 but the amount of leaking and throbbing without touching is wild

42. Which famous person do you think has the most hypnotic voice?

Tom Hiddleston

43. If you make hypnosis content, what’s your favourite piece of content you’ve made?

I don't yet but plan on it

44. Have you ever used hypnotic conditioning to help you or someone else with a part of your/their life?

Bambi files helped me accept myself as non binary trans fem. And have helped many people get better healthy lifestyles myself

45. Have you ever been to a hypnosis convention? Did you enjoy it, or not? Why?

I have not..but wow does that sound fun.

46. How has being involved with hypnosis/the hypno community improved your life?

Out of all the communities online, hypnosis is the most accepting of extreme thoughts that don't translate to extreme actions. Being able to express things and explore in a safe community has been life saving for me multiple times over the years.

47. What is one thing about the hypnosis community you think could change for the better?

Hhmmm I wish hypno therapy practicers were more willing to help the hypno kink community be ethical and just ban hammer it so much from open discussion.

48. Who is one person in the hypno community you really admire?

Mind Mistress. Old but gold. And her team in the 2000s was just the best thing ever

49. What is your favourite hypnosis-themed blog on tumblr?

Neural Nets and pretty patterns is solid. I dont know much about the creators. But the content is on point.

#prompt list #hypno sub #submisive sissy #hypnosis #bambisleep #transgender #questions #hypnotized

[fduck0]

As someone who never stops thinking abt Wendy and Abigail, I've always seen Wendy's rework animation as less of a hallucination and more as a simple but effective rundown over Wendy's struggle with her grief through how she remembers Abigail's death. Most notably, I believe the last bit with the bush is either a slightly older memory stitched in or deliberate misremembering as a defense mechanism of sorts. My main reason for thinking this is partially cause yeah no that just didn't happen, but also because to me it makes the previous moments hit so much harder because of the harsh contrast between Wendy's attitude towards Abigail in the two scenes. In the previous, she's dismissive, and has to be dragged away from her books, and is clearly much more reluctant about doing things than Abigail. And in the next scene, Wendy is smiling, laughing, and playing with Abigail. This actually fits quite well with Wendy's dialogue too, but that's besides the point. And with the ending bit, I see it as a basic snap to reality from a deep daydream. Also, one detail I love is how Jack does look concerned for Wendy and briefly tries to reach for her before giving up, which just is soooo good like a big part of Wendy's hashtag issues was not just losing Abby, but also seemingly having very little support after that loss. In general, a lot of Wendy's messy and sometimes contradictory statements and actions are incredibly easily explained by the fact that she's a traumatized and grieving child who in no way has the tools to healthily cope with her emotions and very little support even outside of that. This is why Wendy makes me want to start biting things and why that's my favorite don't start animation 👍

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS THIS PERSON GETS IT.

Tbh while ive never thought ab Wendys animation like that, that is SUCH a good fucking take on it and tbh PRETTY GOD DAMN FITTING to wendys rapid change of emotions in the animation. and with this i have to say, YESSSS SOMEONE IS FINALLY POINTING OUT THE JACK THING.

I feel like a lot of Wendys fear of letting go of Abigail comes from this. Its like a god damn tragedy cycle. feel alone without Abigail- get no support from family- feel more alone and abandoned- cling to the fact Abigail WOULD have been the support and form an unhealthy coping mechanism around it- grow MORE dependent on her and restart. It is essentially what makes her SO god damn afraid and i feel like this quote from her forge vignette puts it best "Wendy clings fiercely to the grief over her sister's death, for fear that moving on would cause Abigail's memory to fade."

With the lack of support from her family and being "left behind", Wendy most probably feels to some extent she is the ONLY one trying to keep Abigail's memory alive. Abigail is the ONLY one she has ever had.

And with this last thing, another YES. A lot of Wendys contradictions can be boiled down to her conflicted and jumbled emotions as a child trying to cope and her fears getting the best of her. Wendy doesnt HATE colours, Wendy hates what memories those colours bring back and the cheerfulness she doesnt feel anymore. it is all a mockery to her grief, but there is STILL a part of her that longs for that part of her childhood back, which leads to a lot of the conflicted quotes as a kid who doesnt know what she wants anymore.

But yeah, we going off again bc WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH Wendy lore is both so cool and complicated and idk how to write down my opinions so they just come out in rambles but like YEAH Keese you are so fucking right

#dst #dst wendy #duck rambles #i need to like legit ramble ab Wendy more often on here because i haVE BEEN THINKING AB HER LORE FOR LIKE 6 YEARS ITS INSANEEEEEEE #i need to like reread hamlet but like i have some fucking words about how Wendy brings up Ophelia in multiple quotes and how her tragedy #mimics that of Abigails death in a way and how Wendy can be seen as Laertes

[draculasfavoritewife]

Happier Now

Summary: Alone time on a summer afternoon is a rare thing, and anniversaries are a time for remembering and realization.

Pairing: Emma Frost x Scott Summers

Warnings: More fluff than I usually write (this one is pretty nostalgic and sweet). Lots of innuendos and Emma's flirting -- which really deserves its own warning lol.

Me from two years ago has no excuses. This is purely self-indulgent sweetness because I love soft Emma/Scott moments and this dialogue was absolutely burning a hole in my brain. Sorry not sorry.

Classes finished for the day, Emma Frost takes a minute to herself, leaning against her desk at the front of the classroom and allowing herself to decompress in the quiet. The kids at the Institute test her patience at every turn and drive her absolutely mad sometimes. But she’s never wanted to be anything except a teacher, and the madness is far outweighed by the satisfaction of seeing them grow up in front of her day by day. 

She would never say it aloud, but she would do absolutely ANYTHING for these kids. 

So deep is she in her moment of reverie that she doesn’t know he’s snuck up behind her until he’s kissing her cheek, and she actually jumps. “Scott! Where did you come from?” 

He chuckles, amused that he caught her daydreaming. “Someone’s a million miles away. Or have you just spent so much time with me that my psychic signature is boring to you now?” 

She turns halfway to return his kiss, her fingertips caressing his jaw. “Yours is the only mind I haven’t grown bored of, Darling.” 

“Flattery generally gets people nowhere with me, but for you, I’ll make the exception.” He grins and hands her a single white rose. He’s learning her tastes, and she feels an odd surge of happiness that he remembers so much about her without constantly having to ask what pleases her anymore. 

Emma doesn’t go in for huge, extravagant flower arrangements unless she’s organizing a social event. Minimal elegance goes a long way in her book. 

Scott’s next words leave her at a momentary loss. “Happy anniversary, Em.” 

Which anniversary is it?

They’ve already acknowledged the four-year anniversary of their first date. And she hasn’t quite shared his room for three years. 

So she cheats, takes a glimpse into his thoughts, realizes — has it really been FIVE years since she arrived to teach here? 

“That makes me feel old,” she remarks. 

She knows him well enough to tell he’s rolling his eyes at her behind his opaque glasses. “Let’s not be gloomy, shall we? This is the day we first officially met, five years ago, Em. It’s cause for a…less negative outlook, don’t you think?” 

I didn’t know it at the time, but your arrival was the start of the happiest years of my life…. 

Emma pulls out the thread of what he doesn’t say and smiles. “Aw, you’re such a shameless romantic, Scott.” 

That flusters him for a second, and she could almost swear she sees his face flush. “I didn’t say anything,” he defends himself, though he sounds unsure of that fact. 

“You didn’t have to. Your thoughts are very loud sometimes.” She smirks at him and points to the drink carrier in his right hand. “Please tell me one of those coffees is for me.” 

“No, you’ve rubbed off on me too much. I bought two just so I could rub it in your face that I didn’t get you any.” He hands over one of the cups. 

“How I adore it when you get sarcastic, Lover. I always knew you were just pretending to be such a boy scout.” She takes a sip of the hot drink, noting with uncharacteristic softness that he remembered her current favorite — white chocolate hazelnut latte with almond milk, two shots of espresso, and whipped cream. He’s too good for her. She comes up with ridiculously complicated combinations every other month to see if it throws him off, and yet he cares so much and his memory is so unfairly perfect that he caters to her whims and she can’t even complain about a mistaken order. “Thank you.” 

“My pleasure.” He tastes his own — strong and black, she knows from the smell of it. Hasn’t changed his own preference since long before she came into his life. She’d never drink black coffee, much as the others might think she’s suited for such a bitter drink. She loves that about him, though. It rounds out his masculine and no-nonsense personality, and she can’t deny that she likes to taste the hint of it lingering in his mouth after he drinks it. 

“What does the rest of your day look like?” she asks, pressing her body up to his. He shifts automatically to avoid spilling his drink on her immaculate white jacket. 

“I cleared my schedule. Wanted to spend the evening with you.” Scott glances out the window. “The weather’s nice, and the pool is empty. I don’t know about you, but that sounds like providence to me.” 

“I have a new bikini and no other excuse to wear it. You’re good at formulating plans even when we’re off duty.” She pulls away from him and starts down the hallway. 

“Am I watching your transformation, or are you holding out on me until we get there?” 

Emma flashes him a naughty grin over her shoulder. “I’m holding out on you this time, Lover Boy. After all, if you always get the privilege of seeing me in a state of undress, what power do I have to hold over you anymore?” 

He leans against the wall with a disappointed sigh. “You’re cruel, Emma.” 

“Darling, I wrote the definition of the word.” She sashays off, fiercely delighted that she can feel the heat of his gaze fixed on her swinging hips. 

If only the others knew what dirty thoughts sometimes cross their straight-laced leader’s mind. 

He was right, the weather is perfect for this.

She watches him swim laps as she lounges in a deck chair, admiring his toned muscles and relishing the reality that she can check him out as obviously as she likes. He’s hers now, so she doesn’t have to pretend to disguise the fact that she undresses him with her eyes whenever they’re in a room together. 

Emma has always had a deep appreciation for beauty, and the male form in motion is no exception. Scott Summers moves with an efficient grace no matter what he does. With his ample physical strength, he could be explosive, unfettered, but she finds it much more interesting that he restrains himself, not a motion wasted, every execution clean and sharp. 

Then he’s suddenly still, leaning over the side of the pool. “Somehow when I pictured this, I thought you were going to swim with me,” he complains. 

She leans further back, crossing her arms beneath her head. “What’s the point of a bathing suit as small as mine unless it’s for a good tan? You didn’t actually think this was made for swimming, did you?” 

“You’re not tanning,” he points out, with an infuriating grin. 

It’s true. She’s protected from the late afternoon sunlight by a meticulously placed umbrella, as well as a wide-brimmed hat and a pair of sunglasses that probably cost no less than five hundred dollars. The sun has never been too friendly to Emma’s creamy porcelain complexion. 

She scowls down at Scott, whose more bronze tones always manage to tan gorgeously. 

He pulls himself out of the water. “Come on, I’ll put sunscreen on you if you’ll get in the water with me.” 

“Don’t get me all wet,” she tosses at him, handing him the bottle of lotion. 

“Don’t tempt me.” 

Removing her hat, she pulls her hair up and slides forward so he can sit behind her on the lounge and start working on her back. She relaxes into the familiar touch of his hands as he massages the sunscreen into her skin, firm but gentle, just the way she likes it. Can she really be faulted for demanding he give her back rubs so often?

The man is the god of back rubs. 

“Has it really been five years?” she murmurs. 

“The time has sure flown by.” His thumbs are higher than they need to be, working the knots out of her neck, and she sighs with relief as the tightness of the day finally releases. “I still remember,” he stifles a slight laugh, “how shocked I was when the Professor introduced you to me.” 

“Whatever do you mean?” 

“Well, the way he talked about you, ‘former headmistress of the Massachusetts Academy’, I thought you were…much older, for one thing.” 

And much less sexy, is what he doesn’t say aloud. 

He catches her knowing smile and this time, she’s CERTAIN he reddens slightly. “And then you walked in, and all the puzzle pieces finally fell together. I definitely wasn’t expecting the Professor to hire the White Queen on the faculty, that’s for sure.” 

“How did you feel about that?” She’s not usually one for fond reminiscence, but the way he’s talking has her feeling strangely sentimental. 

“Confused. I think I was equal parts outraged and still trying to be welcoming. Not to mention your wardrobe is very provocative, which wasn’t helpful to my composure.” 

Emma laughs softly at his honesty. “I knew you were secretly more affected than you let on.” 

His hands move lower, and she arches her back against the delicious pressure, letting his knuckles knead into her tired muscles. “I wonder sometimes what your first impression of me was.” 

“You’re so bad at hinting.” She falls quiet for a moment, considering. “I remember seeing you there, in your tight black t-shirt and those dark-wash jeans, and I think the first coherent thought I ever devoted to you was, ‘Hmm…this Scott Summers has a nice butt’.” 

“You didn’t.” He can’t seem to make up his mind whether to be flattered, embarrassed, or downright horrified. 

“No, you called my bluff. I was much more taken by your massive —” 

“EMMA!” 

“— Thighs, Sweetheart. I was going to say thighs.” 

“Somehow I don't believe you.” 

“Pectorals?” she tries, turning to run her fingers across the muscles in question and seeing his jaw twitch at the suggestive contact. “Biceps? Or maybe it was your glorious hair — I’ve always thought you had the softest hair, even when you had it cut so short.” 

He raises one eyebrow, lips stern. He says nothing, but she can tell he knows it’s a load of bull.

She looks away again. 

“Truthfully, I noticed your mental imprint before I ever saw you. It stood out among the legions of others. Your thoughts were focused, intense, raw, even. I felt how you held yourself to crushing standards, kept up a façade, and in the midst of so many sharp and chilly thoughts directed at me, yours were like flames. The only taste of heat I could find.” 

She knows he’s staring at her, that she’s surprised him with so human a confession. 

“I held onto that as I walked past rows of judgmental eyes, wanting to meet whoever was such a brilliant flash of light in the midst of an admittedly dark time in my life. I think you felt the brush of my consciousness against yours, because that’s when you turned, and we made eye contact. At first I didn’t think it could possibly be you, since you were so well-groomed, so aloof. But then I saw that same intensity reflected on your face, just for a moment, and I….” 

She trails off, suddenly feeling like she’s peeled back one too many layers, and all of her childhood conditioning kicks in. Don’t ever open up, it makes you seem weak. 

He stops his work with the sunscreen, resting his chin on her shoulder as his arms encircle her, pulling her back against his body. “And then what happened?” he asks, barely above a whisper, and his lips are smiling into her neck, and she’s reminded all over again that Scott already knows her weaknesses, and he would never even dream of taking advantage of them. 

She’s not delicate, even if she looks it, and she’ll crush anyone who calls her so. But Scott keeps all of her weak moments and her softness cradled somewhere deep inside him, where he’ll never allow any harm to come of them. And she is hit all over again with his sweetness, and his caring, and she finds now that she does want him to know exactly what she thought of him that day, five years ago. 

“…And so I thought, ‘Maybe I’m not alone. Maybe there’s someone here who understands what I’ve been through, and I won’t be completely on my own in the world anymore’.” She lets out the breath she’s been holding, amazed at the lightness in her chest now that she’s said it.

“And THEN I started thinking about your butt.” 

He’s laughing as he kisses her collarbone. “Thank you,” he tells her sincerely, as he moves on to slather sunscreen down her legs. “That means a lot.” 

She can tell that it really does, and it makes her happy, to know that. 

“Do you want me to help you with your front?” he asks, nodding at the sheer amount of skin her risqué top leaves exposed. 

“I think I had better handle that area myself, if you want me to ever actually end up in the water with you,” she retorts.

His self-control may be better than most, but even his isn’t THAT good. 

“Suit yourself.” He shrugs. 

“I will, thank you. You can, however, aid me in un-suiting myself later, if you so wish.” 

When they finally complete their task and he at last coaxes her into the water, she remembers what he was thinking earlier.

You were right, Scott. I’ve never been happier since I met you. 

#emma frost #scott summers #emmascott #favorite ships #romantic #sweet #xmen #white queen #cyclops #fluff #these two are everything #marvel ships #i love them so muuuuuch #couple goals #gottalovethesunscreentrope #nostalgia

[crow-in-springtime]

Hello! I would love to read any lengthy explanations of songs on your Moocho/Milligan playlist if you wish to share! (No pressure/no worries if not!)

My good friend I would love to share!

Mothers and Father by Dom Fera

I feel like this would be them parenting Kate, especially since Milligan is completely new to parenting, but they’re figuring it out pretty well

2. Banana Pancakes by Jack Johnson

Vibes. Also cause Moocho bakes

3. Hey Lover! by Wabie

In total honesty I just like the song, but also in my head I was thinking of Milligan doing this part, but he trips and falls. RIP Milligan, he’s fallen off the top of buildings more gracefully than this 😔 (Kate films it and plays it at their wedding)

4. Wagon Wheel by Old Crow Medicine Show

Milligan just gives me these vibes. I think it’s the fact he lives on a farm, I just assume people on farms can play or at least own a fiddle

5. Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight) by ABBA

I firmly believe every playlist should have at least one ABBA song

6. In My Arms by Big Joanie

A) yes it’s a pun on Moocho’s name cause arms and brazo means arm and his name is Moocho Brazos which is basically “a lot of arm” (I pronounce Moocho the same way as mucho but idk if that’s actually how it’s pronounced) B) Milligan goes on secret agent spy missions a lot, so when he’s doing that he’s not only away, he’s also in a lot of danger and even though Moocho knows he can handle himself, he still worries

7. Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go by Wham!

Vibes, again

8. Sun Machine by Bears in Trees

It’s not so much about the song itself, but rather these specific lyrics and my personal interpretation of them. I know it’s not what the song is about, but I sort of interpreted it as the singer not really knowing who they are, and they have it in their head that they can’t let people know them until they know themselves. But that’s utter nonsense to all the people around who love them, because they’ll be there regardless of whatever sometimes-strange things the singer does to “find themselves.” The way I relate this to Milligan/Moocho is through Milligan’s memory loss, cause he remembered Kate but (and I haven’t read the books in a while so correct me if I’m wrong) doesn’t remember a lot else from his past. It’s not exclusively for this ship but I’m still putting it on the playlist

9. Puebla by Alvaro Soler

The Tangled Kingdom Dance scene changed my view of romance completely, so I think every ship deserves a fun dance song and this is one of my favorite dance songs. (for those who don’t know Spanish this song is basically about dancing and being happy together and forgetting the pain)

10. Still Into You by Paramore

Moocho and Milligan together Just Makes Sense™️ and so does this song

#I’m sorry I didn’t forget about your ask it just got lost in the drafts #mbs #milligan wetherall #moocho brazos #moocho/milligan #the mysterious benedict society #tmbs #mysterious benedict society #truly thank you for this ask though! I hope these explanations all make sense and I’m really glad you enjoyed the playlist! #ky’s gallery

[dumpster-party]

New dsmp and origins Ranboo theory just dropped bitches

So you know those theories about them being the previous time traveler? And you know how in origins SMP the "do not read" book was shown and all that stuff? I like to think that maybe, just maybe, instead of where some people have been going that osmp!Ranboo is a descendant or some sort of ancestor for the DSMP lore, that maybe they are dsmp!Ranboo.

If we play with the idea that they're a time traveler who happens to forget everything, who's to say that's not Ranboo before they got all fucked up?

They're an enderman, but there's no real information about what the other half of them is. Then there's the inbetween and the other side, black and white. Karl gravitates to the other side, but what if Ranboo was the outcome of sticking to the path, of being loyal to the inbetween? What if the other half is a sort of mark or scar from the inbetween? Nonetheless why the other side seems so distressed and hellbent on getting Karl away from the inbetween?

I feel like that would be really interesting backstory for their "pick people, not sides" ideals, that it's something more of an impulse- a response or warning from the last shreds of who they were that's buried now, rather than just an opinion, because while they don't remember the things they saw through their travels in time, something does. It's something they're obviously passionate about, as their speech before doomsday proves.

Basically, I like to think that the inbetween and other side can corrupt people, I mean come on, look at those portals, they look invasive. Nonetheless there's the sheer fact that a previous time traveler had to be replaced because their memories got so messed up.

I feel like the whole enderwalk thing could be involved with that somewhere too (because I also like to think that they're just mistaking what it actually is), but I feel like there's still too much left unsaid to speculate about that yet.

My main question is how does the memory loss work? Does it act as a side effect of brain damage, or is it repression? Because you know the shit you'd see while looking at different outcomes in time would be pretty damn traumatizing, but also being thrown between time periods could cause stress on not just your brain but your whole body.

Anyways, just some food for thought :]

#im sure someones already done this before but i needed to ramble #shouts from the dumpster #dsmp #dream smp #dream smp theory #dream smp thoughts #dsmp theory #dsmp thoughts #dsmp headcanon #dream smp headcanons #dsmp lore #dsmpblr #dream smp lore #dsmp hc #origins smp #origins smp ranboo #osmp #osmpblr #osmp ranboo #ranboo #cranboo #c!ranboo #dsmp ranboo #c ranboo #dsmp!ranboo #osmp!ranboo #i fucking hate tags aa

[biolizardboils]

Crumpled Up Pages: Old Captain Underpants WIPs #1-4

The First Epic Movie turned 5 earlier this month, and I dug through some old folders to write this post about it. In the process, I found some fanfic ideas I’d written down, fleshed out a little, and then forgot about for years. So while hyperfixation still has its grip on me (and while there’s still some extra activity in the tag), I figured I’d finally set these dust bunnies free!

A few ground rules before this deep dive descends:

When I say “fleshed out a little,” I’m putting major emphasis on the “little.” Some of these docs contain detailed notes and snippets of dialogue, but others are just a title and a vague one-sentence summary. I’ll be transparent about what each one contains, and try to fill in the bigger gaps by memory.

If you were around for the CU Fandom Renaissance of 2017, some of the ideas here might sound familiar, ‘cus I refitted them into fanart and headcanon dumps that actually got posted. I’ll link to those where they’re relevant.

These were all written and abandoned months before a CU show was even announced, so there’s no Epic Tales content or characters in here. Sorry if you were expecting any!

I’m splitting this into two posts cus it was getting and taking too long. This first part will cover the 4 simplest, fluffiest WIPs; the second one will tackle the 6 sadder, more character-heavy ones. And with character-heavy stuff comes spoilers for the movie and books — especially the books. If you haven’t read all 12, you’re probably wondering why anyone would care about Captain Underpants spoilers. First off, your loss; second off, BEWARE!

And finally: if you write fanfiction and feel inspired to use any of these ideas? You have my permission to do so! Seriously, steal anything here and put your own spin on them! I don’t care much for credit, but if these old things help fuel someone else’s creativity, I’d love to know!

That’s enough prep, probably. Plug your nose!

WIP #1: Inspiration

It can come from even the worst of places. ...And people, in this case. [Book!Verse, pre-Book 1.]

This document contains a long script, but no context; I can remember the gist though, so I’ll insert that in-between dialogue. Basically it’s third grade, and George and Harold are in detention again. They cheat to fill up the blackboards like usual, but they’re too bummed out to start a comic afterwards. George sits around stewing in his frustration while Harold angry-scribbles Mr. Krupp yelling.

“...Why does he hate us so much, George?”

“I dunno. Maybe ‘cause he can’t handle our coolness? …Nice drawing, by the way.”

“Thanks. …It’s making me sad just lookin’ at it, though.”

“Yeah, me too. …I wonder what he’d look like if he smiled.”

“...?”

“...I mean, like, a real smile, not an I’ve-got-you-now smile.”

“Oh. Hmmm…”

Harold erases Krupp’s wide yelling mouth and draws a goofy smile in its place.

“Aw, man, now it’s just creepy.”

“Darn.”

The boys keep editing the drawing until it stops being creepy and starts being funny. George erases Krupp’s toupee, remembering the time they stole it and the teachers couldn’t take him seriously without it. Harold draws one of his office curtains around his neck, adding more color and kinetic energy. Soon they’re struggling not to laugh out loud, but they manage to calm down… until George gets an idea that takes the sketch from great to legendary.

“Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. Remember what my pop said about Superman yesterday?”

“That he looks like… DUDE. Duuuuuude.”

Harold redraws Krupp’s entire lower body so he’s only wearing underwear. Then with a flourish, he adds the finishing touch – two dots on his chest – and they both lose it. All their laughter finally prompts the real Krupp to check on them, and predictably, he rips up the drawing. It upsets the boys in the moment, but they’re still in much higher spirits than before, and brainstorm a new comic about their new creation as they skateboard home.

“You think we should make his origin issue first?”

“Naw, let’s get right to the action! His outfit’s already the perfect hook – finally, a superhero who actually does fly around in his underwear!”

“Yeah, and he could fight with Wedgie Power!”

God, rediscovering this gave me the most uncontrollable grin. From the date it was last opened, I think this fic was meant for September 1st, 2017 (Book 1’s 20th anniversary), and I gave up after missing it. For shame, 2017!me. For shame.

——————————————————————————————————

WIP #2: Untitled Boomer One-shot

Harold won’t admit it, but he’d slay a dragon for his little sister. [Book!Verse but only cus this scene was deleted and is thus dubiously canon]

This doc’s nothing but notes, so I’ll paraphrase the plot: Ms. Hutchins takes Heidi and Harold to Boomer the Purple Dragon: Live! Harold was gonna stay with the Beards but they cancelled last minute, and he’s grumpy about it the whole time. When the show ends, kids gather in front of the stage to meet Boomer; Ms. Hutchins suddenly gets an important call, and makes Harold walk Heidi up there. 

But the dragon’s mascot suit is big up close for a 6-year-old, and Heidi gets so scared she starts crying. She’s rooted to the spot and waves her arms in panic, but “Boomer” thinks she wants a hug and waddles closer and closer... until Harold kicks him in the groin. Their mom understandably grounds him for it, but Heidi is grateful and calls him her hero :)

This one was based on the classic “kid hits mascot in the weak spot” genre of AFV, but also on an early memory of mine! My sister and I loved Arthur as babies, so our mom took us to see this thing. The characters suddenly being real (and huge) was so upsetting that we scream-cried until she took us home early. (Speaking of Arthur, it’s a shame Heidi’s never really done anything in canon, I can see her having big DW energy.)

——————————————————————————————————

WIP #3: When Worlds Collide

It was less “love at first sight” and more “love at first squawk.” [Book!Verse, Book 7.]

A quick refresher: George told Harold to take Crackers back to dinosaur times, but he left her in the treehouse with Sulu instead. Later in the book, they’re shown snuggling in their sleep 🥺🥺 Anyway, this fic was about what they got up to in between! It’s actually the most complete of the lot, but only because it’s so short and simple.

It opens with Harold introducing them to each other, leaving out some treats for them (hamster food for Sulu, crackers for Crackers), then telling them to play nice until he comes back. They do not. Crackers pulls a Thunderclap the moment Harold leaves, Sulu karate-chops her throat until she spits him out, and they wreck half the treehouse in the ensuing chase.

Eventually they settle for standing in opposite corners and hissing at each other. Then Sulu… *squints* …records Crackers’ hisses with his bionic ears and plays them back so they can communicate? …Yeah, okay, why not. The outline ends after this sudden development; I’m guessing they talk things out and start to catch feels, before settling in to sleep. Anyway here’s the few sentences I actually wrote out:

Harold opened the door, Sulu got on the floor, and in walked the curious dinosaur.

[…] As predator and prey faced off, a little boy and his mother happened to be walking down Vine Street. “Mommy,” said the little boy, “I can hear a bionic hamster and a pterodactyl fighting in that treehouse!”

“Oh, please,” his mother scoffed. “How do you even know what that would sound like?”

The boy considered pointing out the CHOMPs, SQUEAKs, and SQUAAAWKs emanating from the tree in big blocky letters, but decided it wasn’t quite worth the trouble.

The doc ends with a reminder to not refer to Crackers with any pronouns until the two pets can understand each other. Also I was gonna title this after a Tony Orlando and Dawn song as foreshadowing, but I couldn’t choose one, so instead I went with this Spongebob song lol.

——————————————————————————————————

WIP #4: Untitled Tommy One-shot

The school’s been near bully-free ever since Treehouse Comix Inc. was formed. Tommy reflects on this from the safety of his locker. [Movie!Verse with a hint of Book 9. CW: discussion of bullying.]

A Kid I Never Named knocks on Tommy’s locker and offers to trade Pilkeymon. They have to be sneaky, because it’s the 90′s and they have to slip a Link Cable through the locker vents without being spotted.

As they trade, the other kid asks Tommy why he hides all the time. He explains that it’s a habit from when Kipper Krupp terrorized the halls. But Kipper left four years ago, and the legend of Wedgie Magee has kept other bullies at bay ever since; the other kid points this out and asks why he still hides. This led into “a somber discussion on adverse school experiences and the long-lasting coping mechanisms they cause” (exact words from the doc). Unfortunately 2017!me never wrote any dialogue, and I’m mad at her for that.

Trivia drop! I used the Pilkeymon joke a few times at @treehouseblogsinc, but it’s way older than that, and also not mine: Pilkey.com used to have a coloring game named Pilkeymon’s Paintbox. It even had art of Dav’s old spiky-haired avatar with Pikachu ears! There’s no trace of it on the Internet anymore, but I swear I’m not making this up.

I left a note here to add that Tommy has glow-in-the-dark stickers in his locker, which ended up in this headcanon dump. There’s also a list of last names I came up with for him but never chose between: Chambers, Lakatos (which I shared once here), and Lockenspiel. Right now I’m leaning towards the last one, it rolls nicely off the tongue.

——————————————————————————————————

That’s it for now! Not gonna lie, I’m still nervous about posting the other 6 WIPs. Most of them deal with Book 12, and all the tough subjects that that entails. But hey, I made this bed, and by God am I gonna lie in it. Thanks for reading so far!

#captain underpants the first epic movie #captain underpants: the first epic movie #dav pilkey #mr. krupp #benjamin krupp #benny krupp #ms. hutchins #grace hutchins #boomer the purple dragon #sulu the bionic hamster #crackers the pterodactyl #crackers the quetzalcoatlus #sulu #crackers #robby and ethel hoskins #tommy #long #me talking #crumpled up pages #my writes #george beard #george #harold hutchins #harold #heidi hutchins #heidi #cu books #cu movie #captain underpants #cu

[rissarants]

The Return of Rissa

Like so many others, I have once again returned to Tumblr after watching Twitter turn into more of a dumpster fire than usual. Do I believe that Twitter will actually die? I doubt it, but the general atmosphere is changing and I’m not sure that I will always want to be a part of it. Besides, I have fond memories associated with Tumblr (although not as fond as Xanga.) This was a simple site that let me mindlessly reblog content that was related to my many hyper fixations at the time and, more excitingly, one of the ways I consistently flirted with my now-husband. One would think that coming back would be simple... 

I intended to private all of my old content on my primary blog and start a secondary one, but I could not easily do so (Note: of course, I found the mass post editor after I manually went through everything.) Once upon a time, I reveled in keeping my digital footprint intact like some sort of a personal Time Capsule that I could open up and review when I was feeling nostalgic. However, I no longer get that urge and have become accustomed to simply deleting the parts of my life that I no longer identify with… and, good lord, there’s a lot. I routinely purge my tweets from over a couple of years ago and have taken to removing old posts that make me cringe as they pop up in my Facebook memories. Perhaps it’s just a result of the wisdom that comes with age, paranoia after seeing people’s shitty takes resurface after ten years go by, or that I’m just a happier person now. I may have finally found a version of myself that I am proud of… let’s see if that sticks ten years from now.

So here I am, going through what were some of the strangest years of my life here on Tumblr as if it were a dating app: swiping right on posts that still resonate and dumping the rest into the digital bonfire. It’s mildly amusing to see some of the topics I obsessed over and even more fascinating to see how my mindset has changed over the years. For example:

The Fault in Our Stars - Dear lord, the absolute chokehold this book and movie had on me at the time. Perhaps it was because I was struggling in my love life and craving that all-consuming romance that I believed the story conveyed at the time. I don’t hate the story nowadays, but some of the lines I reblogged so smugly back in the day make me cringe. 

The Drama - I was brutal. The moment I felt someone had crossed me, all bets were off and I skewered them with my words on Tumblr. Did they all deserve my virtual beatdowns? Probably not. As I matured, I learned that hurt people hurt people. I was one of the wounded, lashing out to cause similar pain simply because I could. There are exceptions to the rule and some of them earned my retaliation, but at the end of the day, it didn’t do much for other people’s perceptions of me. It never made me feel better. It wasn’t healthy.

The Thinspo - Every once in a blue moon I decided I wasn’t good enough and strived for drastic weight loss. I reblogged things associated with a specific ED community, hoping it would motivate me. It never stuck, because I always had an absolute love of food and disdain for working out. I’m grateful now that things weren’t different for me at the time. Had I gotten deeper into that ED community, who knows what could have happened? I regret ever looking at those posts as something to admire and reblog. I should have never contributed to spreading that message around. 

So what will I be posting here moving forward? You can expect musings about games and my experiences as a Twitch streamer. I may share my thoughts about paganism as I continue my spiritual journey. And maybe, if I’m feeling brave, I’ll share some of my creative writing. Basically, I want to start thinking, writing, and creating more. Too much of my online life has become passive, where I am only mindlessly ingesting content without putting anything of my own out into the world. It’s time to shake things up and get back in touch with my creative side. Let’s see how long this lasts.

#twitter #blog post #return to tumblr

[wintryethereal]

Thoughts from the past month and a half, I guess

TW: depression, mention of loss of adoptive father.

Disconnected flow of thoughts, read at your own discretion.

Working on my book series is cathartic not just to play with my ideas but because I have an irrational fear that no woman will ever be romantically interested in me, all because my personality disorder beats me up with my own memories. Faina Laward is literally living my dream by having Karma Brestin and Ba'al Berith as her love interests. I have my own character and love interests in the books. Faina is a physically suitable heroine, I'm not.

The thoughts that kept me up until 6 AM which my quetiapine now mostly quell occasionally shit on my self-esteem whenever I can’t occupy my brain with writing, videos or games. The thoughts include my high school memories, the entire holiday season of 2019, as that was when I lost my adoptive dad, and my status as a single bisexual panromantic woman who has only ever been hit on by cishet men. I have no social life because I realized that, even online, I’m not good at it, even when I push myself to meet new people, (that’s a fucking lie, see the next paragraph). I at some point in the past two months or so realized I was stressed, overstimulated and underappreciated by my two ex-boyfriends, while my LOTRO kinship friends, who I barely talk to simply because I don’t open Discord everyday, which is definitely part of why I ghost people, oops, have shown the most love to me in the past year.

I have and can be a good, attentive friend. I know it’s probably my self-isolating schedule and lifestyle, but even as an almost always online person, non-cishet men very rarely PM me when I join a new server. A couple weeks ago, a woman needed to chat with someone as she was mentally preparing to leave her cheating and neglectful husband. We talked for maybe two days. She wasn’t overwhelmed or intimidated by my many layers. I had edited my introduction post in that server twice. After the first time, a rude INTJ cishet man who I don't think actually understood that I wasn't interested in his comics, which he didn't show me so I could compliment him, nor care about his writing group which he didn't tell me about in any further detail, and how his first message questioned the critical state I was in, that day, desperately needing to talk to someone after having socially isolated for at least a month, in a way that just urked me and made me afraid and impulsively fear him as a psychopath. All because he had allowed me to be open, as I prefer to be, without offering anything in return but words akin to "I'm sorry". Fucking bullshit. As a result, him and I had a huge disagreement, insultied each other, and blocked.

Do I just have horrible luck? My brain doesn’t help me at all, or at least that's how I remember all of my friendship attempts going. I’m so miserable, I feel abandoned and unloved by the people who make me awe and remember the good parts of humanity. And I'm become afraid of talking with them because so many of them have already been hurt in social situations. All of my K-pop Twitter friends have their own groups and are dating each other. I haven’t talked to any of those people in over a year, as a result. I desperately just want non cishet men to socialize with. It shouldn’t be this hard, but it is.

It’s almost like I have ADHD going on with my autism, yee fucking haw! 

As a Virgo INFP (I probably would be INTJ if my foster parents had given a shit, thus preventing my personality disorder), things can get really sad in my brain. I do my best to just allow myself to be sad ‘cause I’m home and in my bedroom all the time, so I can just yeet myself into bed and cuddle my Zhongli body pillow and talk to whatever character my brain says will do the trick. I should totally have a Kokomi body pillow too lol. I talk, cry if my brain and the scenario I create allows for it, and work my way towards a joke, a cute platonic or romantic moment so I can get back to writing, or take a “hippo nap” if it’s day-time or my meds half an hour early if it’s ten o’clock. I've had scenarios where I roleplayed for two hours and looked at my phone wishing it was ten or 10:30. The scenarios reboot a lot, especially if I’m trying to roleplay interacting with women or queer people to comfort myself. 

Yeah. I’m used to playing by myself. Probably to my downfall. I came out as pansexual when I was fifteen, right around the time Mom was trying to help me figure out why I was so miserable. I still adore and feel attracted everyone. I just kept looking at people and realized the masculine and feminine presenting people get me the most excited, make me blush, smile, awe and rewind to examine what they looked like. God, I love fashion, it’s so great. There’s so much to learn and unpack, and I don’t even know where to start to tell you about that!

Sigh. Oh. Oh, that helped, shit. OK, well, time to take my meds. I'm gonna go lay down and think happy thoughts, imagine myself on my magic train to the North Pole filled with singing and dancing idols, and all of that fun stuff. Y'all can ask questions and talk to me if you want. Take care everyone, bye.

#updates #current mood #personal vent #long post #i'm probably going to delete this #but also this blog was dead #so i'll probably keep it #sad bisexual #seriously ya'll can DM or reblog w/your thoughts #i am accepting words from everyone who isn't a cishet man lol