#i thought i'd make everyone cry on a saturday

[maybege]

217 with paz pls🥺

Home Is Where The Heart Is

Summary: You visit Paz at one of his conference after not having seen him for a long time.

Pairing: sugar daddy!Paz Vizsla x fem!Reader

Wordcount: 9.1k | Rating: E (18+ only!)

Warnings: explicit sexual content, dom!Paz, sub!Reader, a whole lot of size kink, hints of exhibitionism, unprotected sex, idiots in love, kind of a fake relationship agreement not really a sugar daddy arrangement, lots of checking in and pausing due to size difference (Paz’s BDE is real), crying during sex (from pleasure not pain, Paz makes sure of that), just pure fluff and happiness but also they are idiots in love so remember that

Prompts: #3 “I'd hold onto something if I were you.” + #32 “I just wanna fuck you right against the glass so everyone can see how good you take it.” + #217 “Can you help me with this zipper?” + “There we go.”

Thank you, anon and @adancedivasmom for sending in these prompts! I know it has been a very long time in the making but inspiration strikes when it strikes and I wrote over half of it in the last 48 hours. It drifts from fluff to pure filth back to utter fluff and I just love how idiots in love I can put in with these two. They have the most unconventional relationship (again, a reminder that this is not an actual sugar daddy dynamic, it is just a kind of very unusual meet cute) so of course they will also have an unusual way of perceiving and revealing their feelings for each other. You can find the Masterpost to this AU here (including some hcs). I really had a lot of fun writing this and I hope you have a lot of fun reading it as well. Pretty please let me know what you think in a comment or a reblog, they really do mean the world to me and motivate me so much when it comes to writing and sharing my little brain babies. ❤️

masterlist | crossposted on AO3

gif by @bernthality

“How is my favourite cat?”

“She is busy knocking over the flowers you sent over.”

Crash!

You sighed.

“Maybe we should really invest in these break-safe vases your sister recommended,” you murmured, trying to sit up so you could peek over the edge of the sofa. Safe enough, Snowball was sitting on the sideboard in the entryway, peering down at the shards as if it was as much a mystery to her as it was to you.

“That doesn’t sound like such a bad idea,” Paz chuckled, rubbing his chin, “I will text her tomorrow.”

The sound of his laugh seemed to get Snowball out of her thoughts and she bounded for the sofa you were currently laying on. With a loud meow, she jumped onto the armrest, laying low so she could butt her little face next to yours, in plain view of the camera.

“Look who has come to say hello,” you smiled, tilting the phone so he could see her more clearly. Your other hand reached up to scratch her little chin.

“New York’s most important cat,” he agreed and you hoped the phone would pick up the purr she let out as she leant into you.

“She misses you,” you murmured, “She hardly stopped staring at the door yesterday.”

As soon as the words left your mouth you wanted to take them back. You had sworn to yourself, in the early days of your fake relationship or whatever it could be called, that if there was one thing you would do it was to lift Paz up. And if that required you to hide how much you missed him (ridiculous amounts, really) then so be it.

“I miss her too,” he sighed, “And you.”

“How is the trip so far?” you asked, trying to sound more chipper, “Are the investors as happy as you’d hoped?”

“They are as boring as I expected them to be,” he shrugged before a slight smile formed on his lips, “But I cannot wait for the shareholder’s dinner on Saturday. Are you still planning to come?”

“Of course, I am,” you said indignantly, sitting up at the, “We haven’t seen each other in three weeks!”

Paz laughed, “I am sorry, sweetheart, I didn’t mean any offence,” his face softened, “Briggs will pick you up on Friday for the flight so you have time to relax. There shouldn’t be a lot of appointments I made sure –“

“Mr Vizsla? There is – oh.”

You could see one of his assistants in the background, clearly only now releasing that he was in a private conversation. There was a quick flash of displeasure on Paz’s face that disappeared as soon as you noticed it and you were sure that it was only because you knew him so well by now that you had recognized it.

“It’s all right,” you soothed him, already seeing the apology on his face. He had once said he hated goodbyes, especially because they were never his choice, and you could see it now, too, the way he seemed to be searching for the right words to appease you.

“I will see you in a few days,” you smiled, “I can’t wait.”

“Me neither, sweetheart,” he sighed, “Give Snowball some kisses from me, yeah?”

*

You spent the week feverishly preparing for your trip. It was funny to think that the part of your relationship that you found the most luxurious was the one that was actually at the core of your arrangement. Paz was lonely and on many occasions, his advisors advised, would work in his favour if he had a female companion to fulfil the picture of the man who had his life together. So somehow your accidental match on a drunken night had led to you being his travel companion. And the platonic companionship had quickly developed into something … not quite platonic.

To think that a stupid drunken idea by your friend had led you to sit on your bed, surrounded by the prettiest dresses you had ever seen and contemplating which one to take.

The doorbell rang you out of your thoughts and you laughed when Snowball skittered over the wooden floorboards to greet her second favourite man in the world.

“Briggs, you are early,” you greeted the older man with a smile and no venom in your voice. If there was one person on Paz’s team that made you feel welcome, it was him. Paz’s most trusted advisor and, quite tellingly, also yours.

“Good morning, Miss,” he nodded at you, straightening his tie before bending down to pet a purring Snowball, “Good morning, Miss Snowball.”

“You know you can call me by my name,” you reminded him as you made your way back to your bedroom and your half-packed bag.

“Old habits die hard, Miss,” the older man called from the living room, “Are you quite ready? I have arranged a car to take us to the airport, it should be here in five minutes.”

You rushed into the bathroom and picked up your already prepped toiletries bag and stuffed it into your suitcase. It might just be a weekend trip but if there was one thing you had learned when travelling with Paz Vizsla for business it was that it was always safe to pack two fancy outfits for every occasion – just in case.

“Five minutes should be enough,” you answered, “I got most of the packing done yesterday, I just need your help with something.”

When you popped your head through the door, you spotted Snowball rubbing herself against Briggs’s legs as the man primly sat in an armchair. He turned to look at you and the two dresses you were holding up. “Which one do you think –“

“The dark blue one,” the man decided with a nod, already knowing what you were going to ask, “Mr Vizsla has his dark blue tie with him, that should harmonize nicely.”

“Thanks,” you sighed a breath of relief, carefully folding the dress on the very top before closing the bag, “I can always count on you to make the best choices.”

“And to be on time,” the man added, standing up and running his hands over his jacket, “Which means that we should get going if do not want to miss our plane.”

*

The conference meeting Paz was attending took place on the coast, in one of those fancy beach hotels that looked like it was a luxury that had survived from the last century. It was stunningly beautiful and you found yourself admiring the golden accents and hand-painted wallpapers before you could even start to really appreciate the tastefully quiet piano player in the corner.

“Welcome, are you checking in?” the receptionist greeted you as another employee loaded your suitcase on a golden luggage trolley.

“Uh yes, I am here to join Mr Vizsla,” you answered, always feeling a little nervous when you had to make your connection to him known.

Recognition dawned on her face. “Ah yes,” she typed something into the computer before handing you a key card, “Mr Vizsla told us to be expecting you. Here’s your key card, you’ll need it for the elevators and all the amenities which you will find on the second floor. Just around the corner here,” she leant towards you and pointed towards a little nook, “take the elevator up to the eighteenth floor and you will find your room on the right side of the hall. Do you need anything else?”

You nodded, taking the card in hand. “That would be all for now, thank you.”

“Should I have your bags brought up?”

“That would be kind, thank you,” you smiled at the young man who hurried your bag away.

Briggs, who waited behind you for his turn to check in, cleared his throat. “Mr Vizsla is still in some talks, I’m afraid but if you like I could organize a dinner reservation for you.”

Shame filled you when you remembered what time it was. You hadn’t even thought about food. “I think, I will be fine, Briggs, thanks, I will just get some room service.”

The older man nodded, “Then a very good night, Miss. I shall see you tomorrow.”

“Good night, Briggs.”

*

The suite Paz stayed in was, not to anyone’s surprise, absolutely gorgeous. The bedroom was large and the bed the largest you had ever seen. You smiled when you saw one side completely untouched – your side – and his clothes neatly folded on one of the armchairs. The wall opposite the bed was dominated by a flat-screen TV and the little desk by the window could barely be seen through piles and piles of paperwork.

After tipping the bellboy, you immediately took off your shoes and buried your toes in the soft cream carpet. You always dressed for comfort when it came to travelling but there was still nothing better than unpacking your suitcase and putting on your pyjamas for a comfortable night in.

You had just checked your cameras at home (Mrs Marigold had been so kind to volunteer and check in on Snowball every day) and made sure that Snowball was comfortable and taken care of when your phone vibrated with a new message.

Paz: Talks take even longer than expected. Don’t wait for me.

Then,  just a moment later, another message popped up.

Paz: I am glad you are here.

You: Should I order some food for you? Gonna get some room service.

Paz: Got dinner here but I can recommend the tacos on there, had them yesterday and they were delicious.

You smiled at the screen, sending him a quick heart emoji. Already feeling closer to the. And so, you ordered yourself the tacos, watched reruns of The Nanny and lounged on the bed, already knowing that tomorrow you would wake up with Paz beside you.

*

You flinched up, eyes wide open as something woke you. You just didn’t know what. It took you a moment to realize you were in a hotel room and not at home. Someone was beside you and your heart stopped in fright for a second before it resumed beating in your chest.

It was Paz.

“I’m sorry,” the man whispered in the dark, scooting behind you, “I missed you.”

You smiled, relishing in the heat of his body against yours. He was shirtless and his mouth on your shoulders made you giggle. But your smile faded when he shifted away from you and the bed lifted with someone taking their weight off it.

“What are you doing?” you mumbled, reaching your arm behind you only to find cold sheets.

“I need to shower,” he grumbled, “I stink.”

“Don’t go,” you pleaded, “We can shower tomorrow.”

You could hear the grin in his voice, “We?”

The blanket was lifted again and he was back behind you, so close not even a sheet of paper would have found space between your bodies. In the back of your mind, you wished you weren’t as tired, that you could appreciate his presence more. But then his arm wrapped around your middle and his breath fanned over your neck and you felt the happiest in weeks.

“Yes,” you murmured, closing your eyes again and allowing your body to drift back to sleep, “We.”

*

It was barely light out when you woke again.

“Paz?” you asked, sleepily, reaching for him only to find the space beside you empty. Again. You sat up, afraid that perhaps all of it had been a dream. What if Paz hadn’t come last night? What if something had happened?

Blinking, you finally found your focus and heard the water shut off in the bathroom. Moments later, Paz came in, a towel wrapped around his hips and you bit your lip. In the curtain-clad twilight of the room, it seemed he had not noticed yet that you were awake, sneaking his way to the wardrobe and taking out a new dress shirt.

You let your eyes roam over the broad expanse of his back, how the muscles bunched and flexed as he moved through the room. There was that spot just under his shoulder blade that you loved to run your hands over and if he just turned around – ah yes, there was that tattoo that you traced with your fingers.

“I thought we would shower together?”

Paz looked up, his dark eyes meeting yours and even in the dim light, you could see the smile on his face. He let the shirt fall and with two big steps, he was at the end of the bed, crawling towards you as you let the blanket fall from your chest and wrapped your arms around his neck. He breathed in deeply, his nose running over your jaw. And then his lips were on yours and you got to kiss him for the first time in weeks.

You hummed, smiling against him as your fingers played with the soft hairs at the nape of his neck, still a little damp from his shower. His mouth was gentle on yours and the stubble on his chin let you know he hadn’t shaved today.

“I missed you, sweetheart,” Paz whispered between kisses, his mouth wandering to your jaw. You closed your eyes, your arms loosening around him as you tilted your head to the side to give him more access. “Did you miss me too?”

“Uh huh,” you brought out, his large hands cupping your face, his entire hand spanning your jaw to behind your ear, “Missed you so much.”

“Can’t wait for the dinner tonight,” he said, turning your head so he could kiss you on the mouth again, his tongue slipping between your lips. You shuddered, your fingers combing through the soft hairs at the nape of his neck. You loved seeing him in his professional get-ups with his hair slicked back and his sharp-cut suits. But there was something to say about how different he looked when he was just freshly showered. He looked much lighter, brighter and overall softer. Like a truer version of himself that you knew he hid when he attended meetings like these.

“Briggs helped me choose the dress,” you murmured, leaning more and more into him, “You will love it.”

“I’ll be sure to thank him,” he whispered back, pulling you against him and leaning back until you straddled him, “I have a meeting this morning as well. I am afraid I won’t have more time for you until tonight.”

“When will you need me?” you asked, taking in how soft he looked. There was no frown between his eyebrows, and he looked so … peaceful and relaxed.

He was silent for a moment, his eyes fluttering as you traced your finger over his jaw. “I always need you,” he whispered and closed his eyes, turning his face to the side and pressing a kiss to your palm, “I swear I don’t know how I ever got through these things without you.”

“I am sure you did fabulously,” you assured him with a smile, kissing the corner of his mouth, “And it will all be over tonight.”

“It will all be over tonight,” he repeated in a murmur, “And then I can show you how much I missed you.”

*

Hours later, the ringing phone woke you from your dreams.

“Hello?” you asked groggily into the speaker, feeling even more tired than when Paz had left you this morning to attend the very last meetings.  

“Good morning, Miss, this is the reception calling,” a woman chirped from the other end, “Mr Vizsla asked us to remind you of your spa appointment in an hour.”

You huffed with a smile. That was so typical of him.

“Thank you,” you murmured, “I really would’ve forgotten about it.”

“Would you like to order room service for breakfast?”

“Uh, yeah,” you asked, looking frantically around for the menu, “I, uh, I don’t know what I want yet …”

“May I suggest our breakfast special?” the woman on the line suggested candidly, “It has some fresh pressed orange juice, coffee, pastries and eggs however you want them.”

“That sounds good,” you nodded, “Could I have them scrambled please?”

“Of course, I will have it brought up shortly.”

*

When the afternoon was nearing its end, you felt more relaxed than ever in your life.  

Paz had booked what felt like the entire spa menu for you and after all kinds of massages, treatments and relaxing sauna visits, you felt like you were living on a cloud. But truly the best thing about your spa visit was that it distracted you from the entire day you had without Paz. Because as soon as you opened the door, you were greeted with your very favourite sight.

Paz Vizsla was clad in only briefs as he unglamorously hopped into a new pair of slacks.

His face turned up and a blinding smile came onto his lips. A smile you could only reciprocate.

And before you knew it you hurried into his arms and he hold you against his chest, stumbling from how his feet were tangled into the piece of clothing but you couldn’t care less when he kissed you like a man starved.

“Remind me to never go this long without seeing you,” he grunted between kisses, “I always hate it.”

You couldn’t answer from how his tongue was playing with yours, your core clenching at how close he was. Stars, you wanted to do other things than preparing for dinner.

And it seemed that Paz wanted that too because his hands cupped your ass, pushing you against him and there was definitely a prominent bulge pressing against your hip.

“When’s the dinner start?” you asked breathlessly, running your hand over his warm chest before tracing your fingers over his lower stomach.

Paz’s hips surged forward, urging you to touch him and you could feel your cheeks and frankly your entire body heat up with want. “Too soon,” he answered, sitting down on the edge of the bed and pulling you between his legs. His hand shifted to your hips and he looked up at you.

The bathrobe you had worn to the spa gaped open at the neck and you watched him tug at the fuzzy belt with a smirk. The cool air caressed your bare skin and could feel your nipples harden under Paz’s admiring gaze.

You lifted your knee to the bed right next to his hip, hoping to look as enticing as possible. “Don’t you think we have enough time for a –“

“I am not going to have the first time I fuck you in weeks be a fucking quickie,” Paz complained, though his hands did pull you closer for a minute, “I want to take my time with you, make you feel good.”

“You always make me feel good.”

“I could make you feel better.”

“Paz,” you whined when he pushed your leg off him, making you stand again, “Please.”

But the large man was not to be swayed, even with his erection too prominent to ignore, “Not yet, sweetheart, just let us get through this dinner first.”

“And what about you?”

“What about me?”

You pointedly looked at his crotch.

“Don’t you worry,” he grinned, “I am going to take care of that and then I am going to take care of that tuxedo Briggs got me to bring.”

“You’re insufferable.”

“But you love me for it.”

And the sad truth was: You did.

*

“Can you help me with this zipper?” you asked, turning your back to a just-emerging-from-the-shower Paz, “I can’t reach it.”

Paz did not let you wait, immediately stepping behind you, the heat of his body radiating onto your back. “You look so beautiful,” he said, his fingertips grazing your bare skin before getting a hold of the zip. It was a dark blue silk dress, one that accentuated and hugged your curves and made you feel irresistible with the deep back and swooping neckline.

“We’re in partner look,” you joked, glancing at the dark blue tie he was wearing, “You look very handsome, Mr Vizsla.”

He grinned, turning you around, “And I am sure no one will notice when I am accompanied by a beautiful woman such as yourself.”

And you were proven right because the first words you heard when you entered the hotel’s restaurant that had been booked for the occasion were: “Mr Vizsla, what a beautiful companion you have brought with you this fine evening.”

“Mr Organa,” Paz greeted the man in front of you, “A pleasure to meet you again.”

He introduced you to him and you shook the man’s hand, reciprocating his friendly smile. “I do hope we get to talk again, Mr Vizsla,” the man said when the bell rang, “But now I think it is time to eat.”

Spending the evening with him once more reminded you of how much you loved him – even when you tried your hardest not to. Paz made sure to scoot as close to you as possible, his chair touching yours and it did not take long for his arm to settle comfortably on the back of your chair.

He laughed with his business partners, talking numbers and making jokes and it took everything in you not to spend the entire time just staring at him like a love-struck teenager. Mrs Organa, who was fortunately sat next to you, involved you in a conversation about the most recent restoration projects of a Mr Boba Fett and so you spent the evening with Paz’s fingers brushing your shoulder and the occasional kiss on the cheek and talking to an incredibly interesting woman.

And still, all you wanted was for Paz and you to be alone.

“When do you think it would be not too early to go?” you asked him teasingly as the dessert was served. It was a delicate chocolate-y creation, served on a giant plate with what looked to be mango sorbet beside it.

His arm left your shoulders but his hand immediately landed on your knee, fingers drifting even higher. Paz chuckled, “I’d suggest now but the way you’re eyeing that chocolate soufflé has me thinking otherwise.”

You glared at him for his joke but the man just grinned, his dark eyes twinkling with joy as he took a bite of his own portion. The conversations around you continued and you watched as almost everyone went out to the dancefloor and the lights dimmed on the dining tables.

But all you could do was admire Paz out of the corner of your eyes. He was relaxed, leaning back in his chair as he observed everyone and even when he was lacking any tension in his shoulders or on his face, he looked so much in control of everything.

Stars, he was handsome.

His hand crept up on your thigh and you shifted, feeling the heat rise into your cheeks as he planted a kiss on your bare shoulder. “What are you thinking about, love?”

You loved when he called you that.

“You,” you replied, tilting your head to the side and smiling when his hand came up to turn your face towards him, pulling you in for a kiss.

“What are you wasting your precious thoughts on little old me?” he teased you, his big hand cupping the side of your neck.

“Old? Maybe,” you grinned, “But little? I don’t think so.”

He growled playfully, surging forward to kiss you again. Hard. His teeth grazed your bottom lip and you opened up for him, letting him control the kiss. When his free hand slipped down your side, his fingers passing your chest dangerously close, you squeezed your thighs.

“Paz,” you whimpered against his neck, gasping for breath, “I haven’t felt you in weeks.”

He growled, his hand landing dangerously high on your lap before discreetly squeezing the soft flesh of your thigh, his fingers so close to your core you were surprised the fabric of your dress did not come back with a wet spot. “Believe me,” he said, “I am more than aware of how long it’s been.”

Eternally grateful that the other guests had left your table to join the dancefloor, you opened up your legs the tiniest bit for him, needing his fingers just that much closer. Way closer than they were now. The grin on Paz’s face made your heart (and pussy) pulse and you swallowed thickly.

“I just missed you so much,” you said quietly, trying to bite your lip seductively.

“Did you now?” he leant forward, his nose brushing against yours. His fingers flexed, brushing higher on the inside of your thighs.  

“Uh huh,” you nodded eagerly, cupping his cheek to hold him closer. The stubble was rough under your fingertips and you remembered that time he ate you out in his city car in bright daylight. Stars, the things this man did to you ….

Paz chuckled darkly and kissed you again, soft and gentle while his fingers brushed over the thin fabric of your panties. His teeth tugged on your bottom lip just as your hips bucked against his hand and all shame left you.

If he wanted to fuck you out in the open you might just allow it if it meant you could finally feel him again.

But suddenly Paz was standing up and you were standing up and he was holding your hand, thick digits wrapping around your wrist as he dragged you towards the exit. You stumbled after him, a little confused but more excited than anything.

“We’re leaving now,” he grumbled, pushing the elevator button, “Waited weeks to see you again, I am not waiting any longer.”

The doors opened and Paz let you in first. You watched as he pressed the button at the very top and then turned to you. The look on his face made your breath catch in your throat. He had his hands in his pockets and the dark suit looked so good on him and then he had that slow smile on his lips as he approached you.

Your back bumped against the wall of the small room and your hands behind your back grabbed onto the waist-high bar they had installed on each wall.

“That’s right,” he murmured, his big hands caging you in, “I'd hold onto something if I were you.”

“Paz,” you said, your voice barely a whisper between the two of you.

“What?” he mocked you, his nose dragging along your shoulder, “All speechless now that you finally have my attention?”

You did not reply, probably proving his exact point but stars you were so turned on you just did not know what to say. Especially not when his large hand drifted along your thigh before grabbing your knee and lifting it up to his hip. He slotted his body against yours and his bulge pressed against your core. XXXX

“Don’t worry, I won’t take you like this,” he assured you, slowly grinding against you, “Can you tell me why?”

You whimpered, trying to move against him to get that pressure on your clit that you so badly wanted but his hips had you pinned in place.

“Tell me why first,” he instructed, “Then I’ll let you move.”

“Because-cause it’s too big,” your cheeks felt flush with warmth, “You don’t fuck me without preparation because you – you don’t want to hurt me.”

“Good girl,” he grinned, showing his teeth before using those same teeth to drag down the strap of your dress. Your head fell back and you regretted wearing a bra that night because it meant your nipples were rubbing against the lace instead of the cold fabric of Paz’s dress shirt.

The elevator pinged and you froze, your eyes immediately flitting to the little number over the door. This was not your floor.

Paz had a steel grip on your knee, preventing you from taking it from his hip. You could hear the door slowly opening and your heart raced for reasons other than the sheer excitement that Paz caused in you.

You watched as the dark-haired man slowly turned around, uncaring about the mess of his hair or your half-naked form in his arms.

“Take the next one,” he said and pressed the button for the doors to close. Then he leant back to you, one hand cupping the side of your neck, his thumb brushing over your jaw, while the other wandered from your knee to your hip, gripping at the naked skin.

You did not even catch a glimpse at the people he had spoken to. Paz’s body was completely shielding you from their view and somehow that did not help the wetness between your thighs.  

“I swear sometimes all I could think about was what it would be like to fuck you again,” he whispered in your ear before pressing a kiss just underneath your earlobe, “

The way from the elevator to your room was a blur of wet kisses, wandering hands and hot skin. Somehow, Paz managed to find the key card in his jacket and you both fell into the room more than you walked, refusing to let go of each other.

Paz walked you back to the bed, one hand reaching for the lube on the nightstand while the other opened his belt. Your breathing felt heavy and you were sure your panties must have been completely drenched at this point. Your hands found the hem of your dress and you pulled it up to your hips, not having the patience to get completely undressed.

Stars knew you had the time tonight. You could take it off later.

Paz pulled out his cock and you watched mesmerized as he put a generous drop of lube in his palm before wrapping his hand around his shaft. The cocky smile on his face told you that he had caught you watching but you were. At this point, your relationship with Paz was nothing new – especially not your physical one – but his size always left you feeling nervous.

He was not only long but also thick and while you knew.

“Could stare at your pussy all day long,” he murmured, his fingers tightening around his shaft before rubbing his fingers carefully over your folds. You squirmed, the lube making you feel. One finger entered you and shortly after another one.

Paz pumped his fingers inside you slowly, his eyes mustering your face for any sign of pain but all you did was whine, trying to push your hips against his. Your walls clamped around him and when his thumb rubbed over your clit ever so slightly, you swore you already saw stars.

“Feels like you are ready,” he determined, the pace of his fingers picking up before slowing down again. Until they barely moved.

“Oh, stars why’d you stop?” you threw your head back, arching your back so you could take them deeper, “Don’t stop, Paz.”

A third finger appeared at your entrance and Paz pressed a kiss to your hip. “It never gets old,” he murmured against your skin, “Watching you take my fingers.”

“Would be much rather taking your cock right now,” you replied breathlessly, moaning when he pushed his fingers a little deeper.

Paz did not answer in the form of words but he pulled his fingers out and stood up. Having him look down on you gave way to another rush of wetness from your core. He looked so dishevelled and sexy, half-dressed with his cock hard as a rock.

“Spread ‘em for me,” he growled, taking his cock in his hand while the other pushed on your inner thigh. He stepped closer between your legs, his hand warm on your thigh.

“Good girl.”

Your walls clenched around nothing at his praise.

The feeling of his cock against your pussy brought back that little nervous voice in the back of your head. What if he would not fit?

But Paz knew how to calm you down. The heat of his body against yours paired with his forearm resting next to your face and his fingers tracing your hairline as he looked at you was the perfect combination for you to focus just on him. On the feeling of his skin against yours, the sound of his heavy breathing in your ear, the scent of his cologne in your nose.

When the tip of him pushed inside you, you gasped. He was bigger than you remembered and you were thankful for the amount of lube and your wetness that eased his movements.

Your breathing got faster and you could feel your walls stretch to accommodate his size. Paz’s fingers and you. His brows were furrowed and though his eyes were half-lidded with pleasure, they always met yours and you knew, you just knew, he was trying to see if he hurt you.

It felt like he was pushing all the air out of your lungs and you found yourself holding your breath, feeling his small thrusts stretch your walls more and more. Your belly fluttered and you felt so close to him that it made your heart sing.

“How – how much more?” you asked in a gasp, pushing your chest against his shirt to get some sensation on your nipples.

The large man looked down between you, his hand absentmindedly coming up to pinch your nipple, making you squeeze around him. 

He chuckled, his nose brushing against yours when he looked up again, “It’s barely in, love.”

Your smile fell and panic took over for a solid second. You could see the moment Paz took in your change of heart because his smile faded as well and his hand came up to cup your jaw. “What is it, love? Are you all right?”

“What – What if it is too big, Paz?” you asked shyly.

Paz frowned, though you did not get the feeling that it was because he was displeased with you, and slowly pulled out. “Then I will make it fit,” he said, “Or I will make you come on my tongue. Whatever you want, my love.”

You whined, immediately missing the feeling of him inside you. He peppered kisses along your neck, his hands under your dress, gripping your ass as he pulled you closer to the edge of the bed. His eyes focused on your core and the sparkle you saw in there made your heart flutter and your pussy clench.

Pulling your knees to your chest, you tried to give him more space. “I want you to make it fit,” you decided, feeling a little embarrassed at sounding so needy, “Please.”

Paz hummed, “Always so polite.” His shoulders pushed against the back of your knees as he looked at you. His eyes were so intense and, at that moment, you were convinced he knew exactly what you were thinking.

“Deep breaths,” he reminded you, his thumb circling your clit as he rubbed his cock all over your folds, “I know you can take it. You know you can take it.”

You nodded, more to assure yourself than him. Because he was right. You had taken him countless times before and you could take him now. And if you couldn’t then it would not be the end of the world.  

Noticing you relaxing back into the sheets, Paz rested more of his weight on you. “Do you remember our safe word?”

You nodded quickly, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him closer.

“I do,” you confirmed, “You won’t hurt me, Paz.”

“I know how stubborn you can be,” he reminded you gently before pressing a quick kiss to your lips, “I want you crying because I gave you too many orgasms, not because I am hurting you.”

You smiled at his comment but that smile quickly turned into a silent Oh when he circled your clit with his cock. Then he tapped his shaft against your pussy again and again and again. He felt hot and heavy and the wet sounds only spurred on the fire inside you. Stars, you wanted this man so bad.

The change in position helped a lot because this time he got the tip inside you like it was nothing.

“You are doing so good for me,” he murmured, his hips moving against yours in slow and small thrusts while his finger kept playing with your clit, “You are such a good girl for me, love, you deserve the world.”

There was nothing you could answer. Your throat was full of words but all you got out were breathless gasping sounds as you felt him get deeper and deeper. In your search to hold on to something, anything, you found his hand. You gripped his fingers so tightly, you were afraid to hurt him but Paz only squeezed back, his dark eyes searching yours and probably finding nothing but utter devotion in them.

Just like his.

His lips landed on yours so gently, it distracted you from everything. There was nothing but you and him and the way you felt so connected.

“Feel that?” he asked you quietly, his breath mingling with yours. You blinked, not really knowing what he meant. Paz smiled, his eyes softened when he laid his hand on your lower abdomen. “You took it all, sweetheart, you took all of me.”

“Oh,” you murmured, a little astonished, “Really?”

He laughed, “Really, love. How are you feeling?”

You thought for a moment, trying to take in all that you were feeling. “Full,” you answered truthfully, “But good.”

“Good, huh?” Paz started to move again, slow at first, making sure there was enough wetness and not a single trace of pain on your face, “It feels good to have me fill you up like this, huh?”

You nodded, too shy to repeat his words. Something was just how filthy he could get. And how he loved to fluster you with his said filthy words.

“Fucking dreamt of your pussy gripping me,” he grunted in your ear, his pace picking up, “Next time I am taking you with me. There is no way I am going to fly anywhere again without you sitting in my lap and taking my cock like a champ.”

“What – what about your advisors?” you asked, your body moving up the bed with the force of his thrusts.

“They can watch for all I care,” he murmured, “I already know the only one who can make this pussy stretch is me. I am the only one that can make you feel like this, aren’t I? The only one who can make you come and still beg for more.”

You nodded helplessly, feeling like you were about to burst at the seams. And then Paz changed the angle of his thrusts ever so slightly and you were done for.

“P-Paz, fuck, I’m –“ you gripped his shoulders, the tingling in your belly getting stronger and stronger, “Paz, I think I’m coming.”

Normally, that would only get him to move quicker, to have his fingers work on your clit in a way that was sure to get you over the edge before he came inside you. So, what you expected from your breathless announcement were Paz’s encouraging words while he slightly pinched your clit and bit your lip. What you didn’t expect him to do was simply stop his thrusts with an uttering of “Not yet you aren’t.”

Completely dazed, you looked at him as he pulled out. “Stand up,” he instructed. His voice was stern but not unkind and you blinked, watching him take off his tie and quickly unbutton his shirt. Your body ached with the lack of him and you weren’t sure if it was a tremble in your muscles that only you noticed but stars you felt like you were shaking.

Paz completely undressed and you tried your best to put your weight on your legs, your hands gripping the edge of the bed. But sitting up after having your thoughts fucked out of you by one Paz Vizsla seemed to be a bad idea because it just wasn’t working.

Paz seemed to notice your struggle, his hands pausing on his belt and he tilted his head, watching you fall back on the bed with a sigh.

“Do I need to call you Bambi?” he teased you, his hands coming up under your elbow and gently helping you up, “Or are you that fucked out already?”

You looked up at him with wide eyes, trying to think of a good reply. Only you could not come up with one because, stars, did he look good and, stars, did it feel good to be fucked by him. And it felt good to be with him and to touch him and to be touched by him and –

He stepped closer until his chest was pressed against yours, not saying anything. Your hand gripped his forearm and you waited with bated breath as he leant slightly over you. His fingers brushed over the nape of your neck, down your back until he found the zipper of your dress and slowly pulled it down, his hand tracing over your spine in the process.

When he reached the end, you shimmied your hips, the dress pooling at your feet. His eyes roamed over your figure, noticeably stopping at the way your panties were still pushed to the side.

“Beautiful,” he said, more to himself than to you but it warmed your heart nonetheless. Wordlessly, he helped you out of your underwear as well, his hands caressing your skin every chance he got. You had never felt so desired in your life.

His hand closed around your elbow and he started moving across the room.

“What are you doing?” you asked, following him away from the bed. You still felt uneasy on your legs but you knew you could trust Paz to hold you up and when he noticed your difficulty, he slowed down before stopping at the window front overlooking the city.

“I just wanna fuck you right against the glass so everyone can see how good you take it,” he explained as if it was no big deal.

You paused for a second and so did he, taking in your reaction.

“There is something about fucking you for everyone to see and knowing that no one gets to see you like this,” he elaborated, “Because I want you to look out at the world when you cream around my cock and recognize how fucking perfect you are.”

“Okay,” you nodded.

His smile lit up the entire room and he took your hands in his, positioning you exactly how he needed you. His calm but dominant demeanour made your pussy pulse again, reminded you how fucking confident he was when it came to your pleasure and how happy it made you to be able to fulfil some of his desires as well.

“There we go, put your hands right here and – beautiful,” he murmured, his hands intertwining with yours against the glass, “Now just spread your legs and there we go.”

The glass was cold under your palm and you could see the fog forming around your hand where the temperatures collided. Behind it, you could see the colourful lights of the city that a million people called their home. You were so high up there were barely any buildings that even reached your level but it did not help your nervousness to know that behind each little light there was at least one person.

There were hundreds of lights in your view.

You turned around, wanting to look at Paz for guidance. He slid his hands down your back before groping your ass, pulling your cheeks apart. He was unmistakably looking at your pussy and you shifted, feeling exposed under his gaze and in this position. Your movement made him look up, meeting your eyes.

“Don’t look at me,” he said, his hand gently pushing you to turn back, “Look outside.”

Easy to say when he wasn’t the one whose knees would get weak once he started to get going.

“The whole city is awake and yet no one can see us,” he whispered, pushing his cock slowly back inside you. You sighed, resting your cheek against the glass. The cold air and arousal had caused your nipples to harden and you were highly aware of how your tits swung with each movement.

“Stars, imagine all the places I could take you, all the places I could fuck you,” he mused, one hand coming up to cup your tit, his finger and thumb rolling your nipple. You moaned, tilting your head to the side. “I want to have you with me everywhere I go,” he continued, “I don’t want to wake up another day with the knowledge it’ll be weeks before I can see you again.”

“Paz –“

“There we go,” he hummed, pressing a kiss against your shoulder blade, “That turns you on, hm? Knowing there is nothing I wouldn’t do to feel your pussy come around me. I could get us the room with the best view in the whole city everywhere we go,” he pulled on your nipple and you cried out in a mix of pain and pleasure, “And then I would fuck you against that view and still the only thing I would want to look at is you.”

Your heart and your pussy clenched at sheer adoration in his words. “You are so fucking beautiful, love.”

“Paz, please, I –“

“What is it?” he asked you, his voice just on this side of mocking and why did that make him even hotter now, the way he made you feel a little too out of control, “What do you need, sweetheart?

“I need you to come in me.”

“You don’t get to decide that,” he reminded you, his hips not stopping their movement. Instead, his hands tightened on you just the tiniest bit and you whimpered, “You know I am the one who decides when I come in you. And it is only ever after I feel this,” he tapped his fingers on your clit, “tight pussy clamp around my cock.”

“I know, I know, but I,” you trailed off in a whine, pushing your hips back against his to try and work with his rhythm, “Please, Paz, I need it now.”

“Then beg me for it.”

You bit your lip, whimpering when he did not cease his ministrations on your clit. It pushed you even closer to the very edge and you could have cried from frustration. You just needed – You wanted – Why wouldn’t he just –

“That’s what I thought,” he mocked you, kissing your neck, “Don’t think I haven’t noticed how shy that little mouth of yours is. You can’t wait to have your pussy stuffed with my fat cock but my innocent little sweetheart cannot even say the word cock. Or come,” he groaned, grinding into you, his fingers tugging on your nipple again, “Or pussy.”

“So, if you want my come before I planned to give it to you,” he breathed against you, “You have to beg for it, love.”

His rough tone made your cheeks burn and your pussy clench. Of course, he had noticed, Paz Vizsla was a ridiculously attentive man and there was a reason he was as successful as he was. You just had not thought that it would turn against you at some point.

“I am waiting,” he teased you, his cock once again hitting that spot that literally made you see stars.

With your hands slipping on the now warm glass and your pussy getting wetter and wetter, you knew there was only so much you could do before you would come.

“Please, Paz,” you cried, “Please come inside me, I need you to come inside me. Please, I – “ you hiccupped, tears stinging your eyes, “I want to feel you come inside my pussy.”

“Fuck, you really are that needy,” he stated, “Who would’ve thought.”

“Please,” you whimpered again, a single tear making its way down your cheek, “Please, Paz, I will do anything you want.”

You could barely stand, trying to keep your hands on the window and your knees from buckling. But that only got harder with each thrust of him inside you. And he was getting closer too. You could feel it in the way his breath hitched, or how his mouth sought out your neck, something he liked to do before he filled you up.

“Hm,” Paz mused, one hand coming up to hold yours against the glass. His entire body pressed against yours, holding you up and making you feel. “Anything, you say? What an enticing offer that I will certainly get back to. But for now, I think you begged prettily enough.”

His words should not have relieved you as much as they did but they did. More tears streamed down your cheeks and you let your head fall, trying to focus on how good you felt, how your entire body tingled with him close and how he.

While one of Paz’s hands stayed on yours, the other arm reached around you and found your clit. “You ready to get filled up?” he asked you, playing with that bundle of nerves, “You want to feel my come inside that tight little pussy. Want me to make you that pretty little mess I know you like to be?”

You nodded eagerly, “Uh huh, p-please, I want that.”

Paz groaned, the sound pure heaven to your ears, and his pace picked up. His thrusts got harder and deeper and ended with him grinding even more into you like he wanted to reach places you did not even know existed. And it made you feel that much better.

“Good girl,” he praised you, “If there is anyone who deserves my come, it is you.”

Clamping your walls around him and trying to move your hips against him, you did your best to make him feel as good as he made you. It was when he got quiet that you knew he was close and not even a moment later, he pulled you straight up, pressing you completely against the glass and him inside you.

You gasped at the cold feeling on your skin, but there was something undeniably erotic about having your tits squeezed up and Paz behind you. He buried his face in your neck, sucking a mark into your shoulder while he ground into you again and again. And it was that feeling of him coming inside you, paired with his fingers still very much circling your clit that made you come around him as well.

And it made you almost black out. Your eyes rolled back in your head and your mouth opened in a silent gasp. You could feel your walls squeeze uncontrollably around him, milking him for all he was worth and you were pretty sure you had lost all control over your limbs. You were just hanging there, mouth open, pussy overflowing and legs trembling with the love of your life right behind you.

“Oh shit,” Paz laughed, feeling you tremble between him and the glass, “It’s a big one, isn’t it, sweetheart?”

You couldn’t really answer but you also knew you did not need to. Because Paz was there to take care of you.

For a little while, he did not move at all, simply letting you ride out your climax while he slowed his strokes over your clit. Time and again you could feel him twitch inside you and you thought to yourself that big one didn’t only apply to you – he had come so much inside you, it was already dripping out around where he was softening inside you.

“You are doing so good for me,” he whispered finally, pressing another kiss to your neck and you turned your head, trying to get him to properly kiss you. And he did, his lips gently landing on yours while he, very carefully, pulled out of you.

The feeling of his come flowing out of you made you grimace and shift on your feet.

“Bathroom?” he asked you quietly and you nodded weakly.

The hotel bathroom was all white marble and had fancy lights and even though Paz only switched on the mirror light, it made you squeeze your eyes shut and whimper. Why was everything so fucking bright?

“Shhh I know I know,” Paz murmured, wrapping his arms around you and leading you to the shower nook, “But I know you will want to clean up, right?”

You nodded against his chest, relishing in his body heat. “Forgot my shower stuff though,” you remembered with a frown.

Your big man chuckled, turning on the rain shower to the perfect temperatures. Not loosening his arms around you, he turned you both so you could tilt your head back and let the water flow over your body. “That is okay, love,” he said, his thumbs gently rubbing circles on your back, “You can use mine.”

The thought of smelling like him made you smile and, feeling a little more like yourself, stood up on your toes to kiss him.

Paz did not wait for a second to reciprocate but you noticed he held back.

“What is it, Paz?” you asked him, running your hand over his wet hair and wondering if he would ever consider leaving it as curly as it was, “Did you not like it?”

He shook his head with a smile. “It was more than I could ever dream of, love,” he smiled, “I was just thinking …”

You tilted your head, watching him consider his words.

“I meant it when I said I want you to accompany me on my travels.”

Your heart skipped a beat. “So you can fuck me everywhere you want?” you joked, trying to hide the very real fear that his feelings did not run as deep as yours did. Sure, you had started your arrangement on quite superficial terms but it had been a long time since anything you felt for him had been superficial.

“No,” he shook his head, “I mean, yes, that too, but … I missed you, sweetheart, a lot and I don’t think I want to spend my time away from you when there is a way that we could be together.”

“I mean we also spend a lot of time together when you are home,” you argued, drumming your fingertips on his chest, “I thought maybe you would like to have some alone time once in a while?”  

“About that …” he rubbed the back of his neck and seeing him made you realize something very fundamental.

You could not contain your smile, leaning a tiny bit back from him to really take in all of him. The way he avoided your gaze, how he shifted on his feet as if he was nervous, how he.

“Are you asking me to move in with you?”

“You can keep your city apartment, of course,” he assured you immediately, “I was just thinking, I mean … I have this big place and Briggs keeps pointing out it is due for some redecorating and I …” he interrupted himself, drops of water falling from the tip of his nose and lashes, “When I am with you and Snowball I feel more at home than anywhere else in the world. And I am wondering if you feel the same way?”

Of course, I feel the same way, you wanted to scream at him, I have been in love with you ever since you asked me to take care of Snowball.

But you remained silent on that front, not wanting to scare him away. Instead, you reached up to pull him closer. His nose brushed yours and the tiny frown between his brows betrayed his insecurity. How rare it was to see Paz Vizsla insecure.

“Yes, Paz,” you smiled against him, kissing him slow and thoroughly, “I would very much like to move in with you.”

The look of complete happiness on his face, when you pulled away, was only echoed on yours. You were sure your grin could only ever be rivalled by his and you squealed when he pulled you up and spun you around, water flying everywhere.

“You have no idea how happy that makes me,” he set you down. His hand found its way to the side of your neck, his thumb and finger spanning your jaw. He did not let you go and his grin faded, replaced by a look on his face you could not quite pinpoint except for how warm it made you feel, “You have no idea how happy you make me.”

“I might have an idea,” you replied shyly, feeling your heart beat against your chest. Was this the moment you could tell him? Was this where you confessed your undying love and revealed just how much you would do to see him happy? How you wanted to wake up with him every morning and fall asleep with him every evening and spend your weekends with him and Snowball curled up on the couch?

But when Paz rested his forehead against yours, you convinced yourself that the moment had passed. Sure, he wanted to move in with you but did that really mean anything? Maybe he just wanted to put another layer of security on your fake relationship arrangement?

“So …” you murmured instead, “How are we going to tell Snowball she is going to move again?”

#maybege writes #paz vizsla x reader #paz vizsla x fem!reader #smut #sugar daddy!paz vibes

[likedovesinthewindd]

gwen stacy x fem/gn reader (your choice ofc) where they’re both in an argument and confess in the rain and have a kiss in the rain?

gwen and reader are in college in this, btw.

gwen stacy x fem!reader

a/n: as I was writing this the only thing I could think about was how pissed I'd be if someone made me stand in the rain, I'd actually cry if my hair or clothes got wet 😭

Ever since college, the amount of time you and Gwen spent together had decreased dramatically, the both of you becoming too swamped in work and several other extracurriculars. But you still tried to make time to hang out; hence why you had managed to keep the tradition of Saturday movie nights alive. Every second Saturday one of you would choose a movie to watch, prepare a shit ton of snacks and catch up on each other's busy lives.

You'll admit, you always managed to talk a bit more than her, always having something to vent to her about. And she didn't mind; she'd always listen attentively, chiming in with a sarcastic comment or joke every now and then, but tonight what you had to say had her speechless to say the least. No joke or quick quips at hand this time.

"A date? With Harper?"

Harper was the girl you'd been talking to for a few weeks now. Gwen's met her once, and in that one time alone she had concluded that she didn't like her. She didn't really know why; Harper was a nice girl, kind and funny and outgoing like you, but Gwen just didn't like her. It definitely had nothing to do with the huge crush she had on you. Definitely not.

"Is it really that hard to believe?" you asked with a little laugh, insecurity lacing your voice. She shook her head rapidly. "Of course not, I'm just suprised that's all," she said, trying to not sound as bummed as she felt. She didn't know why the thought of you dating someone bummed her as much as it did. Maybe because you like her, dummy.

She shook her head again, trying to let the thoughts somehow dissipate in her mind. "Why are you suprised? I told you she might like me," you said, and she hated how small your voice sounded. Gwen didn't know what to say; how on earth do you tell your best friend about the crush you've been harboring on them for years now. The uncomfortable silence streatched on until you spoke up once again. "Why's it so difficult for you to imagine someone liking me? I get it, I don't often go on dates and stuff but I'm also human, I have feelings," you said.

"That's not what I meant, of course I'm happy for you, I just don't really like her, that's all," she tried. "Why not?" you asked, and Gwen winced at the slight anger in your voice. "I dunno I just," she took a deep breath, "I dunno, okay!" She wanted to crawl into a hole when she saw how her raised voice made you flinch. You quickly gathered your belongings and laced up your shoes. "I don't think I wanna do movie night anymore," and before she knew it, you were out the door with a slam.

✴︎ ˚｡⋆

It had been a week since you had last spoken to Gwen, and now you were sitting in your room quietly applying the last bit of makeup as you stared blankly at the mirror, your mind running a mile a minute.

Gwen was your best friend, you valued her opinion over everyone else's, but she always did this. Every time you liked someone, she'd be weird about it. She never liked the people you dated—always the excuse that they weren't "good enough for you" and always discouraging you from getting together with anyone.

The pellets of rain hitting your window broke you from your daydream. Great, now you had to go fishing for your umbrella. When you eventually found it and got more rain appropriate shoes, you made your way through the busy city on your way to your date.

You didn't enjoy the idea of arriving at the restaurant while soaking wet, so you were walking as fastyou possibly could, boots making little splashes with every step.

A small thwip sound and before you knew it, you were being hoisted up to who knows where by the top of your umbrella. Your grip on the handle tightened as you closed your eyes tightly, only opening them again once you felt solidity beneath your feet.

Before you had the chance to scream at the fact that a masked vigilante had potentially kidnapped you, the mask was being pulled off and Gwen was standing infront of you.

"Gwen?! You're—"

"Please don't go on that date," she said breathlessly. Your shoulders slumped. "Gwen, don't start," you said, trying not to get angry again. "Please, Y/N, I'm begging you," she said once again. If she had to get on her knees right now she probably would. Anything for you to not be mad at her anymore, to talk to her again.

You hadn't noticed the grip on your umbrella loosening until a strong wind caused it to fly right out of your hand. Gwen had tried to catch it with a web, but it was quickly way out of her reach thanks to the strong weather. Now you stoof on top of a building, wet and irritated beyond believe as your best friend (who was a superhero? maybe?) tried to get you out of a date.

"If you don't give me one good reason why you don't want me going on this date, I am going to turn around and leave, and I will never talk to you again," you said through gritted teeth, the cold already setting into your bones. You knew that to some degree it was an empty threat. Damn, you weren't even going to be able to walk away, but you were getting tired of whatever game Gwen was playing with you.

The silence, that felt like it lasted a lifetime and a half, was all you needed and you scoffed, turning around to hopefully find a roof hatch. When you saw it, you quickly made your way to it, mood souring with every splash your boots made. Like deja vu, you were once again roped in by a web, this time catching you totally by suprise. You basically crashed right into Gwen and before you had the chance to push off her or give her a piece of your mind, her soft lips were crashing into yours.

And for a few seconds, it felt so right. So perfect that you couldn't help but wrap your arms around her neck and kiss her back with equal passion. It only took you a few more seconds before your mind caught up with your actions, and you realized that you were kissing your best friend. You unwrapped your arms from her and pulled away as soon as the realization hit you.

"I can't let you go on that date because I can't stand thinking about you with anyone else," she stammered before you got to say anything. "I don't think Harper is good enough for you, I don't think anyone is good enough for you, including me. But I just want you to be happy. I wanna make you happy. Or try at least, but if that's not what you want, I understand, and I'll let you go—"

You figured the only way to silence her racing thoughts would be to kiss her again, so that's exactly what you did, and by the time you pulled away again, the dazed look on her face made your heart thump with happiness.

"You do make me happy, Gwen," you said, sounding as breathless as she felt. "I just wished you would've told me how you felt sooner. Would've known that I feel the same," you added before she pulled you into another brief kiss, clearly overjoyed at your confession. You pulled back one last time with a smile that quickly turned into a frown when you felt the way your clothes were clinging to your body.

"Now get me out of the rain, please!"

#gwen stacy x reader #gwen stacy x you #gwen stacy fluff #gwen stacy fanfiction #spiderman atsv #likedovesinthewindd

[allmoshnobrain]

𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐫

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

part 24 of ? | masterpost

word count: 3754 | ao3 link | fic's playlist

“Please, Nore. Stay with me,” he pleaded, and I knew he wasn't just talking about that night. Our eyes locked, my heart racing in a completely new way. I'd never felt this way around him before. It used to be so easy, just being with him, talking to him, laughing together. Now, it just felt like all that closeness was no longer enough. I couldn't stand this.

✦ summary: Nore realizes that her own feelings for James are deeper than she had ever allowed herself to imagine.

✦ on this chapter: dave mustaine x female!oc, james hetfield x female! oc, oc is cliff's cousin, +18, language, slice of life, angst, jealousy, love triangle, drinking, smoking

✦ a/n: I'm really glad I managed to write a lot of Heartbreaker during my Christmas break and I'm feeling really inspired to write more! Feedbacks are really welcome and motivate me a lot 🖤 Happy 2024 everyone! Hope you liked this part and see you soon :D

✧ If he's as bad as they say, then I guess I'm cursed / Looking into his eyes, I think he's already hurt / He's already hurt / I said, "don't be a jerk, don't call me a taxi" / Sitting in your sweatshirt, crying in the backseat / I just wanna dance with you ✧

James and I crossed paths again a few days later, right in the middle of a Wednesday morning. I was knee-deep in organizing the fresh vinyl records that just landed in the store when I caught the sound of someone strolling in. Knowing Pat was holding down the fort at the counter, I figured she'd take care of the customer, no big deal.

So, with my hands full of empty record boxes, I swung back to the front, only to get hit with the surprise of the day: there was James, rocking his old leather jacket and a worn-out denim vest, his blonde locks falling over his shoulders.

At first, he didn't even notice me, just casually chatting with Pat. She was all smiles, an open magazine forgotten in her lap, elbows on the counter, chuckling at whatever he was saying. The sight stirred up an uneasy feeling in my chest; for a moment, I couldn't help but reminisce about how James had hardly looked into my eyes when we first met, how it took us a bit to get close. Now, here he was, flashing a confident grin at a girl he'd only met a few days back, almost as if he were a completely different person.

"Hey, Nore!" Pat beamed when she spotted me, yanking me back from my thoughts. James swung around, a grin lighting up his face. "Look who's here."

"Hi, James." I tossed a greeting his way while depositing the empty boxes in a corner behind the counter. Standing up, I faced him, smiling, and swiped my hair away from my face. "What brings you here? Thought you guys had already hightailed it back to San Francisco."

"Oh, Cliff and Kirk took off already. Lars and I hung around to sort out a few things," he explained, then turned to Pat. "Mind if I borrow your friend for a bit?"

"Only if you pinky swear we'll catch up again soon." She grinned, and he winked, a hint of shyness coloring his cheeks with a faint blush before he strolled away. I sighed and trailed after him outside the store.

"So, spill the beans," I asked, leaning against the wall and fishing my pack of cigarettes from my pocket. I brought one to my mouth, hunting for my lighter, but James beat me to it; he pulled out a lighter from his jacket, firing it up. I leaned in, getting my cigarette lit before stepping back and locking eyes with him again. "You've been in LA since the weekend and didn't even shoot me a call? And what's the deal with Pat catching up again with you, huh?"

"I told you, band business to sort out," he replied, his face still a bit flushed. "We snagged an extra show, just in case you still care. I swung by to drop off tickets for you two, it's happening this Saturday."

"I never said I could make it," I raised an eyebrow, and he huffed.

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. Are you on your period or something?" he asked, and I rolled my eyes.

"Maybe I'd be a bit more chill if you'd answer my questions instead of pretending you're deaf."

"What question did I dodge?"

"About Pat," I finally blurted out, my face warming, regret hitting me as soon as the words left my mouth. James blinked, looking a bit surprised, and I sighed. I was being dumb, I thought. It's not like he owed me an explanation about what he did with his life.

"We hung out on Monday for drinks. She asked me out after last week's show. That's all," James finally spilled, his tone calmer and gentler than I expected. I raised my eyes, meeting his gaze, the sudden intensity in his eyes making my mouth go dry. "Wasn't anything special anyway."

"I don't care," I shot back, suddenly feeling defensive again. He gave me a puzzled look.

"Then why'd you bother asking?"

"Come on, James, just hand over the tickets already."

"Alright, alright," he grunted, pulling two envelopes from his pocket and passing them my way. I tore open one of the envelopes, peeking inside to find the show ticket and that familiar backstage access badge.

"Nore," he called, and I looked up, blushing a bit as I realized he had inched closer, his hand casually resting on the wall beside me. "You don't have to invite her if you don't want to. It can just be you. You know that, right?"

"You said you needed an audience. Can't exactly bring Dave, can I?" I quipped. The mention of Dave seemed to rattle James; he tensed up, pulling away from me and avoiding eye contact with a sigh. I blinked, puzzled by his reaction, my heart racing as I waited for him to say something, anything, but he remained silent. "James..."

"See you on Saturday, alright?" he cut me off, staring at me with a furrowed brow. I just nodded, still too baffled by our weird exchange to spit anything out. He then strolled away, leaving me alone and on edge, my hand squeezing the envelope he'd brought as I watched him retreat, his tense shoulders carrying the weight of the unspoken words between us.

The night air was cool, almost chilly, signaling the approaching winter. I sighed, trying to focus my gaze — a bit of a challenge after downing as many free beers as I could at the show. I touched my nose with my fingertips; it was cold, just like my cheeks. Maybe I should've brought my jacket, but I knew once we hit the post-show party, my cold would fade amidst the drinks and the buzz of the celebration.

A cozy warmth enveloped me as a leather jacket landed on my shoulders. Lifting my eyes, I met the familiar blue of James' eyes. He gave me a smile, almost like an apology, before saying, "You looked cold."

"Just a bit. Have you finished loading all the stuff?"

He nodded absentmindedly. I glanced around, checking the stage to make sure the band hadn't left anything behind — even picks or a cable would cost money to replace if lost. The venue felt almost eerie, all empty after the crowd had cleared out. I grinned when Cliff showed up, emerging from backstage.

"Hey, ready to roll?" he asked. "We've got to drop stuff off at Mike's place first, then catch up with Kirk and Lars at... What's her name again?"

"Pat," I reminded him.

Pat couldn't make it to the show that night because she was gearing up for a weekend party while her dad was out of town. But she made me swear that I'd bring the band after the gig. I knew deep down she was all about getting James to swing by — ever since he popped up at the record store, she couldn't shut up about him. Lars and Kirk were already en route, but James, Cliff, and I hung back to handle the logistics before wrapping up the night.

"Let's roll, then," Cliff said, and James and I followed him to the parking lot. We ran into a small group of fans, around five people who had decided to wait for the band's exit. James seemed a bit more introverted that night, so he and I leaned against Cliff's car while my cousin chatted with the guys.

"You know, I'm not really feeling the whole party thing tonight," James chimed in, his gaze wandering as Cliff signed a Kill 'Em All booklet. He shot me a look from the corner of his eye, a faint smile playing on his lips. "We could ditch. Do something more interesting."

"More interesting? Like what?" I laughed, shaking my head. At that moment, we were both a bit buzzed, the beer helping us forget the tensions of the past few days. Words flowed easier, and smiles came more naturally. It had been a killer show, with a hyped-up audience and a chill vibe among the guys, adding to James' good mood. He raised an eyebrow, his eyes sparkling mischievously.

"You know, I've always wanted to check out the strip clubs here in LA…"

"James!" I laughed, and he joined in, slinging an arm around my shoulders and pulling me close.

That move, once so natural, got my heart racing, and my face suddenly heated up at the closeness. His jacket wrapped around me carried his scent, and his rough fingers lingered on my waist for a beat. If I were a bit more sober, maybe anxiety would make me want to pull away. However, in that moment, I allowed myself to be just a bit close to him. We were friends, after all, right?

"Come on, you two," Cliff grumbled before popping open the car door and settling into the driver's seat.

"I'm calling shotgun!" I rushed, swinging open the front passenger door. I let out a surprised yelp when James grabbed my wrist.

"You always do that. Tonight’s my turn," he said, his eyes sparkling, clearly just doing it to mess with me. I furrowed my brow.

"Hey, Cliff's my cousin! I have a right to the front seat, okay? Besides, you always shove the seat way back because of those massive legs of yours."

"You could sit on my lap. Then we could both be up front," he suggested with a smirk, and I rolled my eyes, my face warming.

"Dream on, Hetfield," I grumbled, giving him a playful shove. He laughed but settled into the back while I claimed the seat next to Cliff.

We cruised by Mike's house, where the guys were crashing in Los Angeles. Then, we made our way to Pat's place. I'd been there a couple of times before — a cute two-story wooden house, painted white with a backyard big enough to host a decent-sized crowd. When we rolled up, it was clear that this wasn't just a "few people" gathering: the joint was packed, with muted music wafting from the living room as folks shuffled around with smokes and red cups.

"Your friend knows how to throw a party, huh?" Cliff remarked, a cigarette dangling between his teeth.

"Hey, I bet Lars and Kirk are already super wasted," James exclaimed, chuckling softly, his slightly flushed face giving away that he, too, wasn't entirely sober.

"I wonder if Lars has already pulled a 'no clothes' move like that one time," I said with a giggle. Cliff rolled his eyes.

"You two aren't doing much better, you dorks."

"Shut up, Cliff." I stuck my tongue out at him, and James laughed before adding:

"Hey, last one in is a loser!" He sprinted toward the entrance of Pat's house, and I let out an indignant yelp before chasing after him. I could hear Cliff grumbling something about "drunk idiots" behind me, but he didn't run — it would take much more than a beer-fueled challenge to disrupt Cliff's own pace.

James beat me there, no surprise. He spun around, mischief in his eyes, and opened his arms just in time to halt my collision course. The beer I'd been nursing all night made it tricky to put the brakes on my run. I let out a surprised yelp as he caught me in his arms, a low laugh escaping him. I joined in, trying to catch my breath.

"See, that's why I don't smoke as much as you do. Can't even handle a little run," he teased, laughing, and I rolled my eyes.

We untangled, still chuckling as we trailed after Cliff into Pat's house. I scanned the crowd, looking for familiar faces, a grin stuck on my face as I tried to catch my breath, my heartbeat still racing in my chest.

It didn't take us long to spot someone familiar; soon enough, I spotted Pat, chilling by the record player with a beer, deep in conversation with two girls who could practically be twins. She briefly glanced towards the entrance but didn't seem to notice me. Her eyes lit up, and she hustled over.

"James! So stoked you made it," she exclaimed, grabbing onto one of his arms. He raised his eyebrows, looking surprised. My face suddenly heated up, and all the good vibes I had been riding on disappeared. Pat's entrance seemed to pop the bubble of fun and ease that had been with us all night. Now, the old anxiety and discomfort were sneaking back into my chest, even though I couldn't quite figure out why. "I want you to meet Josie and Mary; they're my cousins."

"Uh, let me just..." he started, his eyes glancing nervously toward me. I noticed Cliff observing the whole thing, raising an eyebrow with a barely hidden ironic look on his face. James's eyes met mine briefly before I sighed and turned, navigating through the crowd until I hit the kitchen. There, I found Kirk and Lars, talking and laughing quietly while sharing a bottle of whiskey.

"Hey, Nore!" Lars exclaimed with excitement when he spotted me. "You finally made it! Where are Cliff and James?"

"Somewhere," I dodged, leaning against the kitchen counter near them and nodding towards the whiskey bottle. "Where'd you guys snag this?"

"Oh, your friend's dad has an awesome stash of booze in the living room cabinet. She said we couldn't touch it, but..." Lars trailed off, and Kirk chuckled. "It was too tempting to resist, so we swiped this when she got distracted."

"Man, you guys are jerks. Hook me up?" I asked. Kirk turned with a grin.

"Wait, you're not gonna scold us and tell us to put it back?"

"Why would I do that? Come on, give me a bit." I grabbed the bottle from Lars, taking a hefty swig that set my throat on fire and brought tears to my eyes. Lars let out an enthusiastic "that's the spirit!" making me laugh quietly. I risked a second sip before passing the bottle back to Kirk.

We killed that whiskey bottle until it was history. Staring at the empty thing weirdly satisfied me, even though I knew I'd pay for it with a head that felt like it had its own little earthquake, signaling a solid hangover for tomorrow. I left Kirk and Lars talking and made my way to the backyard, surprisingly empty. The cool night air did wonders to ease the heat that had claimed my skin. I shut my eyes, took a deep breath, and savored the fresh air, a welcome escape from the packed and stuffy vibes inside.

"Found you," James' familiar voice chimed in. I opened my eyes and spotted him, leaning against the open door that led to the kitchen. His gaze seemed worried, irritating me a bit, even though I couldn't quite put my finger on why.

"Found indeed. Congratulations," I quipped, aiming for humor but sounding more bitter than intended. My words stumbled out, tangled in the effects of the alcohol. He frowned, looking hurt by my words, which made my heart squeeze. I let out a sigh as he approached.

"You’re confusing me," he murmured, the words sounding almost unsure, like he was tiptoeing on shaky ground, unsure of what might happen if he said too much.

My face warmed up, heart skipping a beat and a hollow feeling settling in my stomach. There it was again: that awkwardness, foreign and sharp, like a dagger poking into my guts. Months before, none of this would've happened between us. Months before, I would never feel anxious or insecure around him. I would never have a million butterflies fluttering in my stomach when his troubled gaze sought mine. All I wanted was to give him a hug, take away whatever was bothering him. But it felt like I couldn't take that step. Like anything I did would just mess up whatever was left between us.

"I don't want to confuse you," I managed to murmur, my voice trembling a bit. He sighed, ran a hand through his blond hair, getting even closer.

"When that shit went down at Leanne's party, I... I figured you were done with me. Thought you didn't want anything to do with me anymore. Like, didn't even want to be friends. I thought I'd crossed a line I shouldn't have. And yet..." He paused, twirling a strand of my hair between his fingers. "I don't regret it, Nore."

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked, my heart racing, my voice barely more than a whisper. He let out a low, almost embarrassed laugh, then brought the tips of his fingers to my chin, lifting it so our gazes met.

"When you told Pat to come talk to me, I thought you didn't care. But now, every time you see me with her, you get upset. You think I don't notice?"

"I don't get upset," I shot back, my face on fire. Sure, sometimes I felt a bit weird with Pat around, but that didn't mean anything, right? Nothing special about envying how confidently she could approach James, nothing special about not liking how, even though he seemed clearly confused by her interest, he wasn't exactly putting up much of a fight. Nothing special about not liking how they'd gone out together without telling me. How they seemed to be getting closer every day.

"Nore," James called my name, snapping me out of my momentary daze. I lifted my eyes, my lips parting a bit, my face flushed as he got even closer, resting his hands on the balcony railing around me. "If you don't want me to go out with her, you can tell me. You can always tell me whatever you want. I'd never do anything to upset you."

"Why?" I murmured, and he sighed, the agony creeping back into his eyes like nasty poison.

"Because I'm in..." he started, then halted, biting his lip and looking away. I looked away too, my breath going out of rhythm, my face burning under the weight of his unfinished confession. I knew if he finished that sentence, there would be no going back. No more avoiding the whirlwind of feelings that had been growing in my chest, ignored for so long, becoming more and more impossible to shove aside.

I knew it then, with a heart-wrenching certainty: if he said he loved me, right there, right then, I'd be caught, unable to deny that I felt the same.

"I gotta go," I said, giving him a gentle push by placing my hand on his chest. But he snagged my hand, fingers weaving into mine, putting the brakes on my escape.

“Please, Nore. Stay with me,” he pleaded, and I knew he wasn't just talking about that night. Our eyes locked, my heart racing in a completely new way. I'd never felt this way around him before. It used to be so easy, just being with him, talking to him, laughing together. Now, it just felt like all that closeness was no longer enough.

I couldn't stand this.

I let out a shaky sigh as he traced the outline of my lower lip with his thumb, edging even closer, holding my face in his hand. His other hand found its place on my waist, and I felt my back meet the wall behind me as he closed the gap. Forehead pressed against mine, his gaze focused and serious. My thoughts raced as fast as my heart, trying to focus, wrestling against my intoxication. This ain't right, I thought, but I didn't have the guts to shove him away.

We jumped apart when the kitchen door swung open, and Lars and Kirk rolled out.  James let out a disappointed sigh as I fumbled clumsily for my cigarettes, trying to hide the redness in my cheeks as they approached.

"There you are!" Lars said with a grin, then glanced at James. "Your girl's on the hunt for you, dude."

"We were just..." James cleared his throat, his face a bit flushed as he ruffled his blond hair. "We were just catching a smoke. And she's not my girl, Lars."

"Actually, I'm outta here," I chimed in, trying to ignore the disappointed look on James's face. "Can you tell Cliff I’m bailing? I'll dial up a taxi."

"What, already?" Lars asked, his words a bit slurred from the booze. Kirk shot a quick look between me and James, his eyebrows rising in curiosity.

"Yeah, I... I'm not feeling great. But it's nothing major; just need some sleep."

"At least let me take you home," James suggested. I glanced at him, my heart picking up speed, a sudden frustration bubbling up. This wasn't right. He was my friend. Things between us were supposed to be easy, and he was messing it all up!

"No need. Go back to your girl; she's waiting for you," I shot back, my tone sharper than I meant. He looked at me, eyes hurt like I'd just shoved a knife deep into his chest.

"Fine, whatever," he grumbled and headed back inside the house.

"Not in a good mood today, huh?" Lars remarked, raising an eyebrow. I huffed.

"Everything cool, Nore?" Kirk asked, giving me a knowing look.

"I'm cool. Just need to bounce, guys, really," I said defensively.

Turned out, no taxi was needed; Cliff offered me a ride the moment he heard I wasn't feeling too well. I sat quietly in the passenger seat, the good vibes from the start of the night totally evaporated as I watched the streets of LA zoom by the window.

"So, regretting it already?" Cliff dropped out of nowhere. I shot him a look, furrowing my brow.

"Cliff, what..."

"You know exactly what I mean, Nore," he cut me off, and I rolled my eyes.

The rest of the ride was quiet. Cliff didn't push for small talk, and I wasn't feeling chatty either. Honestly, I was more confused than I'd been since leaving my parents' place. I tried convincing myself that things could stay the same with James. We could brush off the kiss, chalk it up to booze and longing, just some unfortunate incident. Nothing altered. He and I would stay tight, and nothing would faze us.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

At some point since he had kissed me, things had changed. Or maybe I just couldn't ignore something that had been there for a long time.

That James loved me.

And that I couldn't say I didn't feel the same.

✧ if you'd like to be tagged on the next parts, let me know and I'll add you to the tag list! ❤ ✧

tag list: @killazilla777

#hello hello hello it's heartbreaker day!! #edit: for some reason i noticed tumblr cut out the footer with the tag list and img at the bottom but it's fixed now! #ada writes fanfiction #heartbreaker fanfic #metallica #megadeth #james hetfield #dave mustaine #cliff burton #lars ulrich #david ellefson #kirk hammett #metallica fanfiction #dave mustaine x oc #dave mustaine fanfiction #nore burton (oc) #james hetfield x oc #metallica x reader #megadeth x reader #james hetfield x reader #dave mustaine x reader #metallica smut #megadeth smut #james hetfield smut #dave mustaine smut #cliff burton x reader #megadeth fanfiction #metallica x you #megadeth x you #james hetfield x you

[that-one-anxious-mango]

You + Me = US (1)

Summary: After a shocking discovery is made that you decide to keep to yourself out of fear..you realize your secrecy may be doing more harm than good.

Content: BIG ANGST. Reader feeling sad and conflicted. Appearance of a friend. Argument and Tension between Austin and reader. Tense and sad Austin. Just all around Angst. 

A/N: Hello Beautiful humans! I hope you’re all well. I know this is something I hadn’t planned out putting out so soon. But seeing as ya’ll wanted the first part of the juicy angsty story I mentioned so bad..this is it. I hope you all enjoy because..yeah. Much love. *hugs*

P.S Please Always feel free to comment, reblog, and send me letters about the fic and anything else pertaining to the series!  And also let me know to be added to the taglist! 🏷️

Taglist: @purejasmine , @wacoshuffle

---

So here you were.

One Bathroom Counter

Six tests.

Twelve brightly positive lines.

One Shocked Alana

And one terrified you.

The room was so silent you could have heard a pin drop.

You almost couldn't believe it.

You were pregnant and scared shitless.

Immediately you’d burst into tears while Alana who usually wasn’t one for traditional methods of comfort..did her best.  

From there a hour crying session began until you got the strength to talk.

" Alana what am I gonna do. This isn’t suppose to be happening right now. Not n-now." You sniffled out hanging on to your friend tighter.

This was bad..no scratch that...it was terrible timing.

You had just finally broken some ground at work and was finally feeling like your contributions were being used. Austin was riding the high of Elvis and had also just finished filming Dune part 2. Not to mention you'd only gotten engaged not even three months ago and hadn't been in the new condo two good months...which you'd been literally going at it like rabbits in.

But still, everything was flowing just the way it needed to flow, and something like this was certain to disrupt it.

" You're gonna have to do what you need to do, babes. No matter what you need to take care of you first above all else." Alana offered.

Looking at her with red eyes you asked, " What would you do? "

Mirroring you back with a face of stone Alana was hesitate to answer because in her mind.. you may not have wanted to hear her true opinion. 

She replied, " Honestly."

Taking a breath you nodded.

" Well...."

—-

It'd been almost a month since you'd found that you were pregnant. And it had not been a easy ride. Between the fatigue, constant nauseous feeling, tiredness, and the task of doing your best to hide all signs of the minimal morning sickness from everyone.

You were exhausted.

But still the only two souls that knew were you and Alana.

And as much as you wanted to tell Austin and everyone else...you weren't ready.

Immediately when you stepped inside your home you smelt the delicious scent that carried through the air along with the soft jazz music you could hear from the kitchen. When you entered you were greeted by a enthused Magnus who did his everyday duty of administering your daily dosage of puppy kisses. After you went to the kitchen.

" Hey, mama. Been waiting to see you all day." Austin chirped from his post at the stovetop. He looked to have been making Fajitas and yellow rice, one of your favorite things he made, but  your stomach didn't jump at the sight of them like they normally would.

" Hi. That smells good, babe." You responded slowly inching toward the living room faking a smile. Really the closer you got, the more you wanted to gag. It smelled so funny.

" Thanks. I figured it had been a hot minute since I'd made it and I know its a favorite of yours. I thought we might eat this for dinner then maybe we could finish another chapter of the book we got Saturday upstairs."

You just nodded, " Yeah, Aus. That sounds nice. I'm gonna go lie on the couch for a little bit though. Feeling little tired." You informed.

Austin had to hold back the sullen expression that wanted to form and instead replace it with a small smile, usually whenever he cooked you were perched right on a seat at the kitchen island chattering and giggling. But as of recent that hadn't been the case and Austin would be lying if he said it didn't bother him.

" Okay."

From there the two of you had dinner as normal making little small talk here and there. Mostly work talk and little about plans for the summer the two of you had made which now made you said since they might not be feasible with the new information of your...condition.

Post dinner Austin let Magnus out to potty before you both ventured upstairs with the happy hound following where the two of you separately shower and change to then got in bed and Austin took his turn to read.

Feeling actually tired you let him sort of cuddle you with his unoccupied hand on your back while your head rested on his chest and your legs were intertwined.

Seeing that the book was a romance once you'd hit a certain part of the chapter it'd gotten..spicy . And with the two of you particularly in a enclosed space like your bed, it wasn't shocking to you when Austin decided to make a move.

He'd leaned in and grabbed your face pulling yours to his in a sweet kiss. A kiss that you couldn't help but naturally blend into. This was the most action the two of you had seen in a while. He was enjoying being this close to you. He drank in the scent of mango and vanilla that came from you and savored the soft of your skin on his fingertips. 

Gaining more traction without breaking the union Austin had managed to to set the book aside on the nightstand while maneuvering to hover over you. Everything was okay until you felt a hand move from caressing the top of your breast down to brush the top of your stomach.

Startled you abruptly pulled away alarming Austin.

" Whoa. Hey you alright? What's the matter? " He questioned searching your face.

Putting on a poker face you nodded, " Yeah I'm fine, babe. Just..do you mind..." You trailed silently gesturing for him to move off.

Obliging instead of just rolling over, Austin got up from the bed standing to look at you. You couldn't quite pin-point what he was thinking, but from his expression it was clear he was bothered.

" Y/N what's going on? Is it me? Have I done something? "  He asked.

Shaking your head you scooched off the bed moving to stand, " Of course not, Aus. Why would you think that? It's fine. I'm fine." You said feeling a whoosh of anxiety enter your chest.

" Well I honestly don't know what you want me to think, baby. I mean as of late every time I come near and try to hold you , you move away from like I got the plague. We haven't had a date night in three weeks because you always keep saying you're too tired or busy. Whenever I'm home and I cook dinner for us you don't wanna even sit down and eat with me." Austin poured looking at you with pleading eyes. " It feels..like you don't want me around most days."

Your eyes began to water hearing his outpour of concern and neglect. 

“ That’s not true, baby. You know I want you around all the time.” You tried assuring.

You hadn’t meant to get this way. You felt terrible. Like a monster. You'd never meant to make him feel this way.

A bitter laugh left him, “ I can’t tell.” 

Looking at you he could see that you felt bad and once your tears began rolling,  he felt his eyes begin to feel moist.

" Baby...." He dragged out trying to keep the strain against his voice small, " We're not even making love anymore. The last time you let me touch you was almost a month ago. A-and before that we could barely keep our hands off each other." He painfully pointed out thinking about all the passionate love making the two of had been doing. You used to joke around with him and tease that he had to be part energizer bunny because he never needed a recharge.

But nonetheless it was true.

You'd been avoiding him, and tucking yourself away while you tried to figure out what you were going to do.

Doing little things like wearing loose clothes even to bed when he knew you preferred to be near naked most times. When he'd offer shower with you, you'd always politely decline brushing it off as you were just going to be in and out. You put space between the two of you when you watched shows or ate dinner. Austin had taken note of it all, and while he had been trying to give you some space and be supportive. But he feared he was at the end of his rope.

But still you couldn't find the voice to say anything back to him, and this unfortunately heighten his emotions so bad that he said the unthinkable.

" You know what cut the shit, Y/N! " Austin sighed placing his hands into his face. " Who is he? " Austin accused feeling like you'd just been struck in the chest.

" E-excuse me." You gawked in disbelief at what your fiancée was shockingly insinuating. He had to know better than even letting a passing thought like that enter his mind.

" You heard me. Who is he? " He repeated with more attitude. " Because whatever you're not getting here you gotta be getting somewhere, right? It's Lucas isn't it?" He sourly threw out the name of the name of your friend who'd been helping with your photography classes you'd enrolled in. The same Lucas from the night at Alana's party that had tried to get extra friendly with you. “ You’re fucking him, aren’t you?” The words thrown out like venom.

You felt you heart race prompting you to rest a hand on your chest as you tried to calm yourself down. But no much how much steady breathing you practiced, it wouldn't help stop the tears that began cascading down your face, " Austin...H-how could you even think that. No! There isn't anyone else. Not Lucas..not anyone!" " You choked out in disbelief full on crying now.

Raising his head to look at you he sighed, " Ah hell, Y/N." He mumbled in discontent at seeing you cry the way you were. He hated when you cried. " I don't know what to think at this point! This isn't like us. This isn't like YOU."

You nodded feverishly trying to calm down, " I know...I-I just don't feel like myself, Austin." You half confessed being sure to leave out the major components of why.

" Okay, I understand. And I absolutely hate that your feeling that way. But I can't help you if I don't know what's going on. Can please you tell me what's wrong. I wanna be here and help you. But you're shutting me out. Please." Austin pleaded looking at you intently, all he was asking was for something..really anything that you could tell him to steer him in the right direction. Because right now he felt lost.

Biting your lip to the point of near bloodshed and twiddling your thumbs you contemplated just spilling your guts and telling him right then and there, but the little voice in your head agonizingly sniping at your thoughts wouldn’t allow it.

If you tell him now it becomes real. And there isn't anything guaranteeing that he'll be happy. I mean you told him about your childhood, why would he want someone damaged like you to raise a child with.

Who would want you as a mother?

Feeling like the walls were caving in you just barely spoke, " Austin. I want to....But I can't.... I just can't."

The words had come out.

And now you had to painfully watch as his face fall at your response. It was like you could see a little embers of hope die behind his eyes, and it broke your heart even more to watch as he sniffled up what would have been a stray tear.

When he responded his voice sounded taut, " You know when we first started dating and we played that game with all the questions. And I asked you to describe our relationship in three words. One of the words YOU specifically picked was honest." Austin reminisced reminding you both of the happier time. He took a second to breath until his glossy eyes met yours in a intense lock, " W-when did that change?"

Once he finished, he then proceed to back away from you softly wrenching the bedroom door open, he casted you one more look before closing it behind him.  Leaving you to shakily lay yourself down on the bed and wrap yourself in the covers to ensue in a good old fashion sob out.

That night for the first time since the two of you had gotten engaged and moved into the loft you'd sleep alone in your king size bed. You heard when the guest bedroom had opened and closed. This only made you cry more.

You felt cold. And not just because the usual warmth Austin gave off holding you in the night wasn't present, but really because it was as if you were standing in the middle of nowhere with no shelter and no place to turn.

You felt alone.

In the wee hours of the morning while your fought yourself in and out of sleep you'd heard the bedroom slowly creep open. With your back to the room you listened as he moved about the bathroom and the closet in what you knew was him getting ready for the interview line up he had today for some of the precursors for award season.

You so badly wanted to turn around and call out for him. Apologize and explain everything a thousand times over. But still it felt like your body physically wouldn't move.

When he came out the final time, you could hear him come to his side of the bed and put something on the duvet. He sighed before turning around and back out the door closing it softly behind him. The alarm chime could be heard soon after and that's when you knew he was gone.

Slowly pulling yourself up to turn around. You hit the toggle for the lights and looked at the folded note that sat on his pillow.

You'd be laying if you said that your heart didn't fall to your ass. Was he leaving you?

Numbly you grabbed the note bracing yourself to take in it's contents.

Then you read it,

Dear Y/N,

I know that I already told you that I'd be out for most of the day today but I also wanted to let you know that when I get home I'll be retiring to the guest room.

I don't exactly know what's going right now but I just feel like I'm putting in so much effort into this relationship as of recent only to receive half of it back. And as a couple who recently got engaged..this worries me. I understand that you have a tough time opening up about certain things bothering you and that is completely understandable. But just what I don't understand is why your pulling back from opening up to me after all we've been through in two years of progression.

With that being said, for right now I think it'll be good if we just take some space. Hence why I'll be staying in the guestroom for a couple of days. Unless you're ready to talk in some type of honest capacity or there is some type of emergency, I ask that you please respect this boundary for the time being.

I love you, Y/N. And I know we can work at this and overcome whatever is going on.

But I badly need you to try.

I'll still be home in time to make dinner as normal and I'll leave you a plate in the microwave.

All my love always, forever, and beyond,

Austin.

#daysofourlove #austin butler x reader #austin butler #austin butler x black reader #themangowrites #austin butler fic #austin butler imagine #austin butler fanfic #angst

[bowievanfleet]

it's you [jake kiszka]

pairing: jake x oc (sort of, they have a nickname but y/n still applies!<3)

genre: angstyyy, fluff, enemies to lovers >:)

warnings: mentions of poor mental health and overthinking, cursing, itty bitty tiny mention of skin picking, arguing, emotional whiplash, crying, i am very bad at plot development and dialogue

word count: 4k

inspired by it's u by cavetown :)

a/n: guys!!! its been so long!!!! and i am back with a DOOZY. i don't know what possessed me to write this, maybe the copious amounts of rain we've been getting here is getting to me lmao. but, i am very, VERY happy with how this turned out. this is prob my favorite thing i've written to date. it'll probably be edited/rewritten over time but nothing too dramatic.

also, i'd like to say that the idea to give the reader a nickname to kind of personify them was 100% inspired by the lovely maddie, @hearts-hunger <3 go read her stuff NOW because she's so insanely talented its not even funny. also shoutout to my love @emadamssssssss for helping me out with pepper's backstory. everyone say thank u em!! anyways im done rambling now, i rlly hope u enjoy this. <3

also yes i had to have my little star wars moment at the end. i will not be taking questions or criticisms.

SONGS (v important for this one) its u- cavetown / climing up the walls- radiohead / chinese satellite- phoebe bridgers / i'll be seeing you- billie holiday / lilac wine- nina simone (jeff buckley version also works!)

-----

“oh god, it’s you...”

-----

you genuinely didn’t know why you were there. 

something, maybe an invisible string, or a magnetic field, dragged you to his door at 2 am. you stood in the pouring rain, the water mixing with your own tears pouring down your face. you didn’t have any idea what possessed you to come. you tried to go through the reasons in your head: on the outside, you convinced yourself that he was a last resort, that because no one else was picking up the phone, he was the only one you had left to go to.

“better to be with him than by yourself where you would do something stupid.” you would tell yourself, when in reality, you had only called one other person, josh. who didn’t answer likely because he was passed out on his couch with a bottle of tequila on the coffee table, you knew that was his routine on saturdays. you didn’t have the energy nor courage to call anyone else, which led you to your second reason: 

that realistically, deep inside of you, you knew the reason you had gone to him was because you simply wanted to be with him. you had to do something to satiate the hunger you had been feeling for the past two weeks since you saw him at one of josh’s stupid parties. your body craved him, your mind craved him, every single cell in your body craved him, and it was embarrassing. 

you guessed it was perfect timing, your racing brain giving you a perfect excuse to go to someone. it wasn’t just the fact you wanted to be with him, you needed to be near anyone. if you sat there on your bed, staring at the walls for one more second you knew you were going to break. 

you were overthinking more than you ever had before, mostly about him, but also about everything else. it was all getting too overwhelming, you desperately needed contact with someone, something. it was pathetic to be showing up like this, but what else could you do? text him? “hey, i’ve kinda been thinking about you every single waking moment for the past two weeks, can i come over?” the more you thought about it, the more you realized that even that would’ve been better than standing at his door in the pouring rain. 

you don’t know how long you stood there, contemplating if you should knock or not, 

before he took it upon himself to make the decision for you. you jumped slightly as the door jerked open, earthy eyes taking in your state with a confused and concerned spark in them. 

you were confused as well, until you remembered that doorbells with cameras existed. you looked over to it, silently cursing it. you looked back to the eyes staring at you, and realized what a contrast you two must be. 

he looked the softest you’d ever seen him, in a pair of plaid pajama pants and an old oversized guns n roses shirt. his face had a golden glow to it, courtesy of the various wax warmers and candles that were placed on almost every surface of his home. they reflected off of his eyes, making them seem almost caramel instead of the dark brown you would often see. 

it softened them, turned them from a stony tigers eye to a dark topaz. the sight of him and the energy radiating off of him was almost enough to stop the tears streaming down your face, but then started them all over again as you realized how gentle and beautiful he was. how pathetic was that? his beauty brought tears to your eyes. 

his facade was gone, he was no longer cold and cocky, dark and stoic. he was looking at you like he didn’t want to rip you to shreds for once. 

you had only seen this once before, when he was drunk at josh’s house and you were the only two left in the living room. he was falling in and out of sleep on the couch, and after watching him for a while, you finally trotted over to him and draped a blanket over his half-asleep body. his eyes snapped open at you, but they weren’t hostile. they were almost... loving. appreciative. adoring. 

you went to stand up to go to the guest room, but he caught your hand before you could get too far. you stayed like that for a moment, watching him stare at your hand in his, then with a slow, deliberate stroke of his thumb against your hand, he gently let go. 

he looked at you for a split second, and then rolled over on the couch, bringing the blanket up to his chin and cuddling around it. you spent all night wishing he was beside you in the guest bed.

“...pepper?” he asked tentatively. you were snapped out of your thoughts by the nickname he had assigned to you so long ago. you thought for a second about the stupid name he had reserved for you- 

you were friends with josh for a while before you got introduced to his family. you were college roommates, and one night he finally decided to invite his brothers over for dinner in your apartment. 

you decided you’d make a hearty meal of kraft mac n cheese, but with added seasonings to make it “gourmet” as you and josh liked to call it. 

when you were mixing up all the seasonings, you put in a little too much pepper than needed, but you panicked and just started mixing it around, trying to even it out as much as possible. 

when you awkwardly served everyone, waiting for their reaction, jake was the only one to speak up. “jesus christ this tastes like shit” he said. everyone immediately turned to look at him with wide eyes, surprised and embarrassed that he would be that outright. 

“what?!” he shrugged. “just being honest. if you're gonna make dinner for us at least make it good.” he said, but continued to eat the pasta anyway. 

josh looked at you sympathetically. “it tastes fine y/n, just a little spicy.” he reassured. and it turned out, by the end of the night, everyone’s half eaten bowl of mac n cheese ended up on the counter next to jake's empty one. 

if you had known him better, you would’ve teased him relentlessly. but instead, upon doing the dishes, you smiled fondly at the empty bowl. the first of many small signs that there wasn’t all hostility between you two.

that didn’t make the name stick, however. what made “pepper” become official was at one party the twins had thrown. you and josh were busy setting up everything beforehand, while jake was on a beer run. “what do you wanna start out with?” josh asked, flaring his hands dramatically toward the family’s extravagant vinyl collection. “hmmm...” you debated, kneeling down to scour through the records. once you found what you were looking for you demanded josh to turn around, wanting it to be a surprise. you carefully placed the needle on the black disc, the opening sounds of sgt, pepper’s lonely hearts club band ringing out into the spacious living room. 

josh instantly turned around with a grin, taking your hands in his obnoxiously, the both of you starting to scream out, “IT WAS TWENTY YEARS AGO TODAY, SERGEANT PEPPER TAUGHT THE BAND TO PLAY!” 

you loved moments with josh like this, screaming out songs you both loved, not a care in the world. you always felt so alive. that was, until you heard the door open, choosing to ignore it until you saw his figure stalk through the doorway. 

he gave you a simple scoff and an eye roll, before quickly taking the bags in his hands to the kitchen and returning to the living room archway, leaning against it in a manner that made you want to storm over there and kick him. 

“you’re just pepper all the way around aren’t you?” he teased, you flipping him off while josh muttered a “shut the fuck up, jake.” 

you started toward the kitchen to start setting the drinks out, jaw clenched in irritation. 

why did he have to ruin everything? you were having a great time with josh, your own sunshine, before the rain had to storm in and drown it out. 

“awe, did i make you upset, pepper? i’m sorry.” he mocked, fake pity in his tone. “just fuck off.” you gritted, tring to focus on getting the drinks set out. “of course pepper, anything for you.” he teased, raising his hands in surrender and stalking off somewhere else in the house. 

-

you stared at each other for a long while, almost talking with your eyes. 

after a moment, his flashed with a gentleness you had never before seen in your entire time of knowing him, not even that night on the couch, and the only thing you knew, right then and there, was that you needed to be in his arms. 

you let out a shaky exhale, “jake-” you sobbed, all but lunging toward him. your body crashed into his, your arms winding around his middle and your head finding a home in his neck. 

he stood frozen for a second, obviously not expecting your sudden action, but after half a second of hesitation, he closed his eyes and let you melt into him, wrapping his own hands around you slowly, one belting around your lower back to keep you upright and the other going to the back of your head, threading through your hair and scratching your scalp lightly. 

he would switch between scratching your head once he figured out you liked it, and slowly rubbing his hand over your hair, smoothing it down. 

the two actions made you cry even harder, your hands finding their way up his body and around his neck, trying to get as close as humanly possible to him. if you had it your way, you would melt your body into his. you wanted to mold him for the rest of time, to never ever let go, to always have his body pressed to yours. 

you knew this was the worst thing you could ever do, because the second this was over, you’d never be able to live without touching him again. you’d need it like you need air to breathe. every second of every day you'd need it. how would you be able to go on after this? constantly craving his arms around you, his hands anywhere and everywhere on you, his breath letting out soft puffs against your skin. you didn’t want to even think about it right now, so you let him hold you while you held him. 

he must’ve felt the same way about letting go, so instead of pulling away, he took his arm off your back to close the door softly, immediately returning it. 

he walked backwards to the couch, sitting you down without ever loosening his grip on you. he laid back, pulling you with him as he pushed your face gently into his chest, giving you something to cry on. 

you laid there for what felt like hours, even though it was probably only ten minutes, before all that was audible anymore was your occasional sniffle and his gentle breathing. 

“y/n...?” he whispered, still stroking your hair. “yeah?” you squeaked, bracing yourself for the arguing and embarrassment and teasing to start. but it never did. 

“what happened?” he asked, concern evident in his voice and you knew he genuinely cared about your response. but that scared you. why would he care about your feelings? it surprised you that he was even touching you right now, let alone asking about you. 

it was an act of human decency that he usually didn’t show. jake kiszka couldn’t give two fucks about anyones feelings excpet maybe his brothers’.  

you leaned up on your hands, hovering over him. you stared at each other again, his hands finding a home on your back, yours resting on either side of his face. you slowly sat up, forcing his arms to drop from you. 

“i’m sorry. i don’t know why i came here. just- no one else was answering and it was all getting too much and i just didn’t know where else to go and-” 

“hey.” he interrupted, grabbing your hands from where they came up to cover your face. “i don’t want you to apologize i just.. want to know why you came to me.” he said, trying to choose his wording carefully. 

you chewed on your lip, trying to come up with an answer before you realized the only one you had come up with involved being vulnerable, and you were absolutely not in the right state for vulnerability right now, despite the fact you had just cried into his chest. 

you got up and walked to the kitchen, searching for water and trying to buy a few minutes. you knew exactly where he kept them, so you grabbed one and went back to sit on the couch, further away from him this time. he noticed this, a flash of disappointment coming over his face. 

he looked at you as you drank your water and set it down, being the most patient you’ve ever seen him. 

you stared at nothing for a moment, noticing how his hands clenched and unclenched, as if he was yearning to touch you again. you were yearning too, but you couldn’t touch him again until you knew for certain that this wouldn’t be the only time.

“jake...” you trailed, both of your eyes holding so much intensity. he gave a look of realization, finally reaching to grab your hands like he had been so desperate too. you flinched away instinctively, you were going to keep your word on not touching him again. you started to get frustrated, “why do you all of a sudden care so much? you should’ve just fucking told me to go home the minute you saw me.” 

that cold facade slipped back on his face, a look of confusion and disappointment taking his face. “did you just want me to leave you out there in the fucking rain?! cause i would’ve been glad to do that if you really wanted me to, you should've just said so.” 

“well you’ve never cared before!” 

“i’m not heartless y/n!!” he hissed, pointing an accusing finger at you. 

“you think i am but I'm not. i just don’t see the point in wearing it on my fucking sleeve all the time.” that hurt. you’d always been a very outwardly emotional person, it was one of your biggest weaknesses, and to hear it being used against you stung like hell. he saw that comment affected you but he kept going. 

“if i was heartless, i wouldn’t have sat here and fucking held you like i did. as much as i fucking hate touching you, i did it to comfort you. because i'm not as cold as you think i am y/n.” your head snapped up, something he said catching your attention. 

“why do you hate touching me?” you inquired, brows furrowed. he shut his eyes for a second, before he dodged the question. 

trying to be as soft as he could again, he spoke, “why did you come here, pepper?” 

you thought for a second. “i don’t know. i just needed someone. i couldn’t be by myself anymore.” 

“why not?” he questioned, curiosity gleaming in his eyes. 

“because my mind would’ve driven me insane.” you admitted, looking down at your hands in your lap, picking at your nails. 

you were hyper-aware of the fact that you were slowly drifting more and more towards him. 

“what were you thinking about?” he questioned softly. 

“jake i can’t do this right now. i can’t talk about this.” 

“then i ask again, why did you come here?!” he almost begged for an answer. you finally looked back up at him, trying to distract yourself with the melting chocolate of his eyes. somehow he must’ve known your answer, he could always read you like an open book. 

he could tell that you two were on the same page, you just weren’t ready to be that vulnerable with him. so, he gave you a head start.

“you wanna know why i hate touching you?” he asked, his voice tense. you sniffled and gave a nod. he leaned in closer to you.

“because you, you are so fucking addicting that if i touch you i almost can’t let go. you have no idea how hard it was to let you go just now. i’m so hopelessly desperate for you, pepper. now, i have a good idea of why you came here. but i need to hear you say it, baby.” the pet name pushed you over the edge, and before you knew it, the tears were back and you were babbling out your confession. 

“it’s you, jake. it’s always been you.” you sobbed, leaning forward to press your forehead to his chest. he finally reached up to your hair again, almost audibly breathing a sigh of relief when his hands finally made contact with you again. 

“and i’m scared. i’m so scared of how i feel right now. its a need- i need you. i need to be near you. but i can’t- we can’t. we’re not good for eachother, we never have been jake. we bring out the worst in each other.” 

“i know, i know.” he soothed. “i feel it too y/n, i’ve always felt it. from the moment i saw you. it’s terrifying.” he agreed, and all you could muster was a small nod in understanding. 

“you make me want to be better. sometimes that feels good, the fact that i can change for you, to make you happy. but a lot of the time... it feels like it’ll never be enough.” he confessed. “jake, i don’t expect you to change for me. i don’t want you to.” he soaked in the words, leaning down to rest his cheek on the top of your head. 

“you know, i think you bring out the best in me. you know damn well i wouldn’t do this with anyone else.” he chuckled. you let out a small laugh too, leaning more into his chest. “jake im so scared. t-this feeling... it's so strong, too strong. why do you do this to me?” you begged. “i could ask you the same thing.” he said, hugging you tighter. 

“we have so much to work out before we can do anything. i mean we can't even go 10 minutes without arguing. jake we hurt each other too much.” you reasoned, trying to convince yourself more than him. 

“love is supposed to hurt, isn't it?” he countered. 

love.

you knew that’s what it was, you were just far too scared to actually address it. loving someone that had been heartless and selfish to you for the past 7 years wasn’t possible. but if it wasn’t,  then why did you feel the need to have his body near yours at all times? there was a part of you, and you could feel it in him too, that needed to have the pain soothed by him. it was like a fire burning in your stomach, and he was the water to put it out. his arms were where you were supposed to be. forever.

“we can’t walk away from this anymore, baby.” he added, making your body shake again with sobs. that's all you wanted to do. you wanted to run away and never see him again. 

that way, maybe the fire would die out and leave tiny embers that could be satiated by someone else. but you knew. you knew no one could put it out but him. he was the only one that possessed the right water to extinguish the flame of yearning in you. and you knew you were the only one to put out his.

and so, you let him hold you as you cried for the second time that night, grabbing at each other to get impossibly closer. you knew there was no going back now, that you were about to walk off the diving board and never get back up. but you wanted it. you knew you needed it. 

“there’s too much going against us.” you borderline begged. begged him to find a way out of this, begged him to push you away, to kick you out, to do something to  stop it. vulnerability was your worst enemy. 

“pepper. look at me.” he demanded, forcing your head up with your chin tucked between his fingers. “something has been drawing me to you for nearly 7 years. i’m not walking away from it now that we’ve finally got it out in the open. we have to move on. what’s past is past, and what we have now is everything we need. what are you scared of, darling?” he asked gently. 

“...vulnerability.” you admitted. he let out a sigh, maneuvering you so you were in his lap. “it's scary isn’t it, pepper?” he soothed, running a run up and down your back. you nodded pathetically. curling into him more. 

“you know what irritates me the most about you?” he asked, but not hostile. you scoffed. “everything?” you guessed. 

“no. not everything. there's a million little tiny things, but not everything. the biggest one though, is no matter how hard you try, you can't hide. no matter how much you duck and run, i would be able to pull you out of a crowd of a million people. no matter how hard you try to keep your head down and blend with other people, you can’t, not to me. you stand out like a goddamn star. that's what irks me the most." he said softly. 

“am i supposed to take that as a compliment?” you laughed. 

“mhm. it’s painful for me but you should know. sometimes i feel like you and me are the only two people in the room. you drown everyone else out.” he confessed as your eyes filled up with tears again, but not sadness this time. 

this time, it was an overwhelming blanket of love that draped over you. 

the relief that you were wanted by him. that you stood out to him as much as he did to you. you lifted your face from its place on its chest, resting your chin there instead so you were looking up at him. 

he softly took a strand of damp hair from your cheek, tucking it into place behind your ear. “see? i was vulnerable with you. now its your turn.” he encouraged lightly. 

you looked up at him for a second more. the words were on the tip of your tongue, running through your brain over and over again- iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou 

you finally found your voice: 

“i think i love you, jake.” you stated, voice faltering near the end. he cupped your jaw in his hand, 

“i know.” he nodded, his eyes filling with tears too as your hands threaded through his hair, clutching at every part of him you could reach, as your lips finally melted into his.

#gvf #greta van fleet #jake kiszka #gvf fanfiction #gvf fanfic #greta van fleet fanfic #jake kiszka x reader #jake gvf #peaceful army #jake kiszka fanfic #jake kiszka fic #sam kiszka #josh gvf #gvf one shot #gvf imagine #gvf fluff

[bogkeep]

lounges across a chair with a cup of tea. you know, i could do a little bit of aroblogging. for old time's sake. for new time's sake? 'cause there's a thought i've been rotating for a bit, something i've been wanting to knit into a piece of poetry - maybe some day, just not today. it's something i've not seen discussed very much, or at all, really - probably because i haven't been looking in the right spaces, or looking at all. probably because it's going to make me sound kind of pretentious or arrogant, but i'm used to that, so: it's just - the strangeness of being an aroace person people keep falling in love with. i think "kind of person people keep falling in love with" is just something that happens if you're a person who's comfortable with yourself, or when you have a lot of interpersonal relationships, or if you just share much of yourself with other people. just, having contact with people around you in some way. feelings happen when they have the opportunity to grow! i don't know how it works! but i've been that person, at least a little bit, you know? it kind of happened as i grew older and grew into myself. it was very confusing, too, because like okay, i like myself, but i'm not necessarily expecing others to like me, it's great when they do but i wasn't banking on it! what!!!! it's very sweet and all but it also means - facing the conundrum: do i Want this, or do i just Want to Want it, or am i just Curious about what it would mean to Have it? i've Tried, and i still don't know. personally, i'm glad for having tried, because otherwise i'd be asking myself for the rest of my life what it would be like to Try, and that's a me thing. i'm not immune to the yearning! you'd think being aroace would make you immune to the Yearning. i want my money back? it also means - that no, i'm not aroace "because i can't get some," i promise, but it's not an argument i should have to make in the first place. it's such a strange spiral of an accusation, because in the world i live in there's nothing shameful about being single or a virgin regardless of orientation. to me it's a relief to not have to have sex with another person, but apparently i live in a society and in that society that's such a fundamentally alien notion i'm impossible to relate to. sorry about that.

it also means - i have to be the person who rejects people, and there's always so many stories about being the person who gets rejected, and there's mountains of sad songs and sympathy for being the Rejected One, the Lonely One, and of course, learning to handle rejection with grace is an important, painful thing. never got many saturday morning cartoon lessons in how to reject, though. not just in romantic pursuits, but in general. always running the treadmill of the scarcity mindset and You Must Never Hurt Anyone For Good Reason and there i was, crying my eyes out at my childhood friend's trampoline in the sunset telling him i'm sorry i can't love him back that way, and there i am, replying to the kindest social media DMs with i'm sorry i can't be your friend but it's not something i can force - i know it hurts, and who would we be if it didn't hurt, and if i didn't hurt you i would have to be the one to carry the pain. it's hard to make relatable, i guess? always the fucking relatability! i know a lot of people can't Relate. because we're young and lonely and yearning and starved, because we're social animals, even if we're fiercely independent or enjoy the solitude. not to make assumptions! i know we're all different and want different things from life! but there's not a lot of frameworks for how to fill our cups when every beverage we're offered is the wrong flavor. i know coke makes my teeth feel weird but there's so, so many commercials for it, and it looks tasty in all of them, and i haven't had a drink in forever, how do i not crave it? i'll still show up to the party asking for a water and everyone is gonna give me the weird looks. am i sure? am i sure? i'm tired of feeling like a wrecking ball, i say. uhhh okay idk what that is about, they'll say, but water? that's a little boring, isn't it? we have so much soda, though. there's coke, coke, and vanilla coke. just tap water, please and thank you. hope i don't ruin your party.

#the metaphor got away from me a bit #is there a coherent thesis? fuck if i know #too long for twitter #aroace tag #i know the food/drink metaphors are tiring but as a person who doesnt drink alcohol nor coffee. it just. happens So Much #scandinavians get weird when you dont drink coffee.

[nonsubstantial]

FEBRUARY 2024 ART FASCINATION DIARY

If you missed my post last month, then I'll briefly explain that I thought it would be fun to write a short diary post each month, about the art that I've been obsessed with. Then, I can easily look back and remember what was making me happy all throughout 2024. If you are reading this, then I hope you will enjoy hearing about these things, or checking them out too!!!

MEMOIR / AUDIOBOOK: The Anthropocene Reviewed is John Green's memoir, framed as a collection of reviews of seemingly random aspects of 'the current geologic age'. I want to note that I had never finished any other John Green book, so I was going into this one as more of a hater than a fan. However, I was unexpectedly moved by it and now consider it one of the greatest books I've ever experienced. I also want to note that listening to the audiobook, narrated by John Green himself, really added a lot to the experience (including two additional chapters). Despite the subject matter being intensely personal, the genius of this memoir is that, by framing it as a collection of reviews, John Green is able to place greater emphasis on things outside of himself. Rather than just narrating his singular experiences, he creates a memoir to celebrate and sympathize with all life on planet Earth. It is informative and humbling— fascinating and earnest. I want to highly recommend this book (or audiobook) to everyone, because I feel like it will genuinely enrich your soul. There are chapters that will probably make you cry, but in a way that is healing and constructive. I give The Anthropocene Reviewed... 5 stars.

REALITY / GAME SHOW: RuPaul's Drag Race season 16 started in January of 2024, and has remained as my favorite thing on television for these past two months. It's another example of something that I had no interest in, until I was forced to watch it, and then it became one of my favorite things ever. Obviously, take all reality television with a grain of salt, but if you can do that then it's extremely inspiring to see the immense amount of talent that every contestant brings to the runway. I'm not really into fashion, but even I can appreciate the blend of comedy, creativity, and practiced technique that's on display here. These performers really do tell stories with their drag, and I look at the artform much differently than I did before I started watching. It has made every Saturday something to look forward to, and if you've never checked it out before, then I've got to recommend it.

MUSIC: my favorite album of February was 「Wall Of Eyes」 This is actually a new album, by a band called The Smile, that was released in the final week of January, and I only heard about it because Vinny Vinesauce featured it on one of his streams. If you've heard of Radiohead, then you'll at least recognize the singer, Thom Yorke (although the three person band also features Radiohead's Jonny Greenwood, and drummer Tom Skinner). Despite The Smile seeming (at first) like just a side project of a couple Radiohead members, let me honestly admit that I have never connected with any Radiohead album as much as I've connected with this. I truly think every song on this album is incredible, and I listened to it front to back almost every day this February. Its genre is hard to describe, and maybe that's where some of the magic lies. It's light and acoustic, soft and jazzy... beautiful, but also a little tense and attention grabbing at times. As usual, I'd recommend just listening if you're curious about it at all, with my favorite song linked HERE!

MANGA: I was able to read a few more volumes of Dungeon Meshi this month, and I feel like it might soon claim the title of the single best manga I've ever read. Honestly, it's got it all. The themes, the artwork, the characters, the pacing, the paneling, the story's structure... I'm not exaggerating when I say that any way I look at this manga to critique it, I find excellence. In everything, there is deliberate ingenuity and soul. I will reveal that there is less focus on cooking, and more focus on worldbuilding as the story goes on, but I'm not even disappointed by that because everything it dishes out is still so good. I'm serious about this, especially if you're watching the show, try to find some copies of this manga or read it online. It's absolutely worth it.

#personal #the anthropocene reviewed #rpdr 16 #wall of eyes #dungeon meshi #february #2024 #2024 reviews

[saberghatz]

1-70

OH MY GODODOD CRACKING MY KNUCKLES

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? YES PRETTY GOOD!!

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? My friends :')

03: Do you regret anything? Like a billion things that I won't get into here >:)

04: Are you insecure? Only on Fridays

05: What is your relationship status? SINGLE YEAAA BOIEEIEEEE

06: How do you want to die? In my sleep would be the most ideal tbh I'm down for that

07: What did you last eat? Ritz crackers and peanut butter;;.....

08: Played any sports? IN MY LIFE? YEA!! RECENTLY? UHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh

I hate playing on teams so I usually just fuck about on my own or with friends, you'll never catch me joining like actual sports teams again

09: Do you bite your nails? Surprisingly no o-o

10: When was your last physical fight? Too long ago. I'm really itching. SOMEONE PLEASE SPAR WITH ME

11: Do you like someone? I WISH I DID. FUCK.

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? HEEELL NAW I'M LIKE A GRANDMA WHEN IT COMES TO GOING TO BED EARLY (against my will, i am simply a tired bitch)

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? Everyone except the people I don't hate

14: Do you miss someone? Deeply :D

15: Have any pets? I don't have any personally, but my mom has two kitties named Nikki and Tessie. When I go visit her, I get to see them too. She had them since before I moved away, so I still consider them kind of my cats :')

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? Lonely enough to do this, but also happy enough to do this

17: Ever made out in the bathroom? I thought this said 'have you ever made it out of the bathroom' and I'm like honestly no my ibs could never

On that note, no but call me

18: Are you scared of spiders? No :(

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? I'd go back to a time before I was born, definitely the 70s or 80s just to experience it for awhile.

But if I was limited to only going back in time during the years I was alive, no I would never go back. I feel like I've learned a lot over the years and I don't want to lose that progress

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? Probably the airport

21: What are your plans for this weekend? MY ROOMMATE BLAIR HAS A CHOW CHOW PUPPY AND WE'RE TAKING HER TO A DOGGIE SOCIAL ON SATURDAY. Also maybe going to an art show/mall on Sunday.

22: Do you want to have kids? How many? Zero, have you seen the state of the world??

23: Do you have piercings? How many? I have ear piercings, but I think they closed up :// I REGRET LETTING THEM CLOSE

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? Like in school? That's a lifetime ago oh god Science

25: Do you miss anyone from your past? Yes almost everybody I've ever known, whether it ended on good or bad terms. I am simply a sentimental soul with a horrible memory

26: What are you craving right now? Making out with a stranger that I know

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? @_@;;;.... yea

28: Have you ever been cheated on? No

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? PROBABLY, I'M SORRY IF SO

30: What’s irritating you right now? Social media is grating on my fucking nerves, so much so that I'm weening off insta and twitter and I've ended up back here. Right here.

31: Does somebody love you? If so lemme know

32: What is your favourite color? Pink, white, gold

33: Do you have trust issues? Fortunately not

34: Who/what was your last dream about? I think I dreamed I was Percy Jackson and I was befriending some monsters instead of killing them.

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? My roommate like literally yesterday :D

36: Do you give out second chances too easily? I'd give anyone a second chance, but I don't think I'd give a third chance.

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? I forgive because I don't hold grudges and then my memory is so rotten that I forget why I was mad in the first place

38: Is this year the best year of your life? ITS BARELY 2024 SO I CAN'T ANSWER YET

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 16 I think. Shout out to Solangelo

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? No but this made me realize I never have, and now I want to

51: Favourite food? I can't think of anything, so like I do at restaurant menus I'll default to chicken strips :)

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Yes 100%

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? shower, work on writing my fics, jerk off, draw, you decide what order

54: Is cheating ever okay? Never, unless your partner knows but then its not chEATING IS IT

55: Are you mean? Honestly maybe

56: How many people have you fist fought? Not enough (none. please. please spar with me I need to train)

57: Do you believe in true love? I believe some people believe in it and can find that for themselves. I hope I become one of them

58: Favourite weather? If I can't wear a bikini, I'm sad. But crisp Autumn mornings also hit like no other..

59: Do you like the snow? I love visiting the snow, I wouldn't want to live in the snow

60: Do you wanna get married? I haven't really thought about it lately. So currently, I guess not xD

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? Hell yea, but turn up the heat

62: What makes you happy? @hyenahijinks @yuuidflourite @comets-nix and drawing

63: Would you change your name? Some people call me Grace which I like a lot, it's my middle name tho

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? I'd totally do it, but I'd probably get that fist fight I've been begging for instead

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Been there done that, we over it and stronger than ever >:)

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? @hyenahijinks ILY bitch

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? @hyenahijinks

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? LOL MY MOM TODAY ACTUALLY

69: Do you believe in soulmates? ARE TRUE LOVE AND SOULMATES NOT THE SAME THING

70: Is there anyone you would die for? My friends and parents 100% but I'm also not like super attached to breathing to begin with so the decision would be very easy

THATS A HELL OF A WAY TO END AN ASK MEME THANK YOU FOR ASKING THESE HUMPHREY

#ask meme thing #asks #ask #hyenahijinks

[kiefbowl]

kief i think im a loser no one ever wants to be my friend and it makes me cry once a year at least. I cant remember the last time i had a friend. All my phone log history is just calls or texts from my mom every couple weeks. Its just hard for me to make friends.

It can be hard making friends, you have to put yourself out there in a scary way and sometimes you don't get returns on it, which is never fun.

I don't think having no friends makes you a loser. I think it shows great resilience to keep on trucking when you're missing this vital part of your life.

I can't magic friends for you, though I wish I could, but I could offer some advice making adult friends that hopefully might help you feel better:

Put yourself in places and situations where you have to meet people. Yes, you could go to a bar or coffee shop and hope to strike up a conversation, but don't forget to look outside the box. An art class, a volunteer opportunity, a local debate - who knows. The important thing is that people will never materialize inside your house, so you have to go where the people are.

Don't forget to be interesting :) That's to say, you're definitely already interesting, you have thoughts, opinions, personal history that makes you interesting...but sometimes getting to that level of intimacy takes some time. So be open about your hobbies and weird niche knowledge! Maybe you think no one wants to hear your obsession with whatever thing, but it's not true. The more you talk about it with people you know and strangers, the more practice you get at talking about it in a way that is casual conversation friendly. And sometimes it'll always be a miss with some people, oh well you'd probably never click with them anyway. The second side of this is to keep pursuing things you like and make you happy, the more skills, hobbies, and knowledge you're pursuing (just pursuing, you don't have to be an expert to be interesting!), the more you have to talk about. The fall back of course if you're thinking "but I'm a big loser who doesn't do or know anything" (you're not) is that watching a tv show, a movie, or reading a book is something every one "gets", so make sure you're prioritizing time to do these fun activities a couple times a week because the more you see and read, the more chance you have to meet someone who's also seen it or read it.

When you meet someone you like, don't be coy. If you're worried about coming on too strong, a good exercise is to think about someone you don't know well telling you they really like you and want to get to you know. How would you want to be told? What would actually come off too strong? What might be odd but forgivable, especially if they seemed nervous? What would actually have to be said that would be an absolute no-starter? You probably have a lot more patience for fictional strangers, so it's worthwhile to assume lots of real life strangers will be patient with you. Plus, everyone likes having friends! People are more often than not very flattered to hear a nice person likes them. I think a good opener is something that's direct, like this: "I've enjoyed meeting you. I'd like to get to know you better, I think we could be really good friends."

When asking people to be friends, invite them to do something and don't be vague or put off details. Don't say: "Let's get coffee sometimes." Do say: "Do you want to get coffee with me tomorrow?" Don't say: "We should go see a movie next week!" Do say: "I want to go see X movie, are you available Saturday to come with me?" If the first response is a "Oh that doesn't work for me," then suggest an alternative plan. If they can't commit to an activity or time, just drop it, they're probably just trying to be nice or something else is going on. But the truth is the reason why when you say "we should hang out sometime!" and they say "yeah!" and then nothing ever happens is not because no one wants to be friends with you, but because everyone is bad at this. Vague plans are easy to agree to without lying, and everyone wants to protect themselves. But there's relief when someone takes the burden of planning off their shoulders.

If you're seeking long term, deep friendships, just know it takes time and it takes vulnerability. It's okay to have only a handful of fairweather friends to start. They're not false, per se, they just serve a different need. They're fun friends. But fun friends can become deep friends with effort and time. If you meet someone you only sorta connect with on some things, you don't have to write them off. Maybe you'll never be deeply entwined in each other lives, but having someone to get lunch with a few times a year can be a nice touchstone in your life. Let the friendship unfold, and that can be enjoyable in itself.

My final advice is: when you're feeling down, remember I'm rooting for you :) one stranger to another, I understand the struggle. You're lonely, but you're not alone, I promise. <3

[ffeelann]

wrote this for my book but, who knows?

That infamous thief remembered seeing her around once in a while, with her dead eyes, enchanting the world before he was in every newsletter, news channel and every social media.

He was a phantom thief who was hopelessly in love with justice.

And the detective behind his shoes was enchanting his world like no one else had done before. 

For some reason, he could never stop falling in love with the woman who happened to be against every single action he had commited during his time since Eris's debut. 

It was her work anyway. She was his Sherlock Holmes, investigating every reason, every intention and every pattern behind his acts of thievery as Eris.

And he had provoked her hate on his actions just for the sake of being looked out, of being seen by her. It ended being his only motive between the art he stole, and the shows he could give during these encounters.

—Are you in known of the Flying Thief's work?

—Do you consider stealing as a work? That's an interesting thing to hear from you, Alicia— The man behind the mask knew her, and knew her very well. They had been working together without her knowing who he was— I thought you were the Poirot between us mortals. Carrying the duties we cannot.

And, being in love with her meant Elliot, as a civilian and not Eris himself, included faking absolutely any answer he could give as a clue to the woman carrying the responsability of being the one capturing him.

He wanted to tell her: ''yes, I know, Sherlie. I did that. Are you free on saturday? We're stealing the new Harrison's sculpture''. He called her his Sherlock the first time they met.

He... no, Eris took off her jacket and accidentally showed everyone the scars growing on her back. The only thing in her body that made Alicia tremble and cry, and he showed it to the world because he felt pressured.

Elliot, or Eris, or both, felt so much like an idiot.

—I rather Sherlock. He's way better.

His eyes shown more emotion during that response than anytime he had talked to her before. And he was enjoying her so much. While her was just trying to make him listen to her and answering her questions, Elliot felt hhis heart so warm he couldn't even breath properly unless he put his whole soul into it.

But he had to behave.

A team depended on him.

On the face of Eris. And he couldn't fail.

But he wanted to fail for her so badly. He wanted her to be free. Like him, like Eris, like every single family behind his motives. Alicia's family included. He would be representing the evil part of the world until his last day if it was just to see her again.

—How could he be better? He was an addict.

—Maybe, but Eris calls me Sherlock. I respect his opinion— she said, taking a few notes Elliot couldn't read. Not sure if he had done some sort of gesture that could indicate he was the one she was looking for.

—Do you guys talk? That's not very professional of you, Detective— Elliot pointed out, slightly smiling at her, and trying to look at her tiny notebook. But once she noticed, the notebook ended up in her pocket as quickly as his feelings for her kicked his face every morning.

—He sends notes. He talks to me, I never answer, though...

—Ha. So you wish you could answer his love notes, don't you, Sherlock?

She crossed her arms on her chest, faking a neutral gesture as good as she could.

—Sometimes, yes. I fear that, if we don't catch him soon enough, I'd grow fond of him.

#writing #writeblr #writers on tumblr #writerscommunity #my writing #oneshot #100 days of productivity #original character #oc #book lover #bookblr #books and reading #bookworm #reading #booklr #books #book quotes #writting #writer stuff #writers and poets #writer community #writer #writblr #ocs #my ocs #my writting

[emeraldborealis]

Fallen Down

Pairing: Eddie Munson x GN!reader

TW//CW: Angst, hurt/comfort, an actually healthy relationship, depressive episode, fluff.

Words: 1,634

Everyone has bad days, some have bad weeks, months, even years. But few have genuinely bad lives, at least, I hope. It's easy to look at someone's life and make decisions and speculations about them, but you can't expect them to be right. No one knows fully about someone's life but the person living it. 

All around us there are people just living their lives, some making big waves and some sitting on the sidelines watching as others pass them by, some like it there. Some just don't know how to leave. 

I used to joke about falling through the cracks, being the odd one out and easily forgotten, but I've come to realize I don't fall through the cracks, I live in the ravine.  

Luckily I've found someone who was willing to repel down and bring me out, his name is Eddie Munson, and I don't think I've ever met someone as lovely as he is. He never forgets I'm here, and never leaves me out. For once I'm a priority in someone's life. 

But even still, I fall right back down into a ravine, but it's a different ravine now. A rabbit hole more so, it's where I slip on the worst of days, weeks, months, years. It's where Eddie can't reach me, he can only try and get me to crawl my own way out. The doctors say they're 'depressive episodes.' But I think it's just the way I am. 

Today I was especially deep into the ravine, unable to even get out of bed, a constant lump in my throat and tears always on the ready to flow. I wasn't sure what made me trip and fall but I had once again fallen down into the darkest of mindsets. 

Dragging myself from the confines of my sheets I forced myself to get up, get dressed, eat something, even if it was a small amount. And go for a walk to try and clear my head. It was a Saturday in mid autumn, the trees were filled with beautiful oranges, reds, and yellows, and the air had that special quality to it that only happens in the fall.

I wasn't sure where I was going until I found I had shuffled myself to Eddie's doorstep in the trailer court. 

I debated turning around and walking home, not wanting to bother him when I was feeling so low, I wasn't even sure my voice would work. But when I heard him strumming away on his guitar from inside I no longer cared to listen to my reclusive distancing thoughts. I didn't want to close off from Eddie.

I needed his hands to help pull me out, or at least someone to be with as I tried to climb out myself. 

Gently I knocked on the door. I heard shuffling from inside and slowly but surely Eddie opened the door, he seemed shocked to find me standing there, or maybe at just how messy I looked. In my complete lack of motivation and energy I had forgone showering, and doing my hair. 

"Hey, you alright?" He questioned opening the door wider in an invitation in, I nodded my head slowly, unable to find any words. I stepped inside taking a shaky breath. In all honesty, and in every way I was not alright. But nothing really happened to make me feel this way, to make me fall so low. It just- happens sometimes. "You sure?" 

Eddie pressed knowing better than to believe my weak nod, he could clearly see how not ok I was, just as clear as you could see the blue sky on a perfect summers day. He could see the way my demeaner was deflated and my eyes threatened to fill with tears, and the way they looked so devoid of all light and happiness. 

Looking into his deep concerned eyes I crumbled. Shaking my head no tears began slipping unwantedly from my eyes. Eddie immediately sprung into action pulling me into a deep hug. "Hey, it's ok, it's alright. I've got you. It's ok, everything's going to be ok." 

I held tightly to his shirt allowing myself to cry in front of Eddie, in all the years we've spent in one another's company I had only ever cried with Eddie one other time. But I'd often open up to him, and him to me.

I felt safe and welcomed with Eddie, and I didn't know where else to go. My subconscious brain brought me here without real thought, so I guess here, crying with Eddie, is where I needed to be the most. For no one but me.

Eddie knew about how I thought, what I thought, and how bad my thoughts could get sometimes, he knew more about me than anyone else. Sometimes I wondered if he understood me better than I did. Because he always knew what to say, what to do when it came to me. He knew how to repel down to me in my darkest ravines. And no one else did. 

He couldn't always get me out, and that's ok, he didn't always need to, it wasn't his responsibility. But he was always willing to gear up and try. The important thing was that he was willing to be here, and just be with me. Be around me. 

Eddie would always know when I was falling down, I'd get quieter, just want to lay on his floor, or couch, or bed, and look at the ceiling. Because I was too tired to do anything more, but I still wanted to be around him.

Still holding tightly to me he moved us to the couch so we wouldn't have to stand, he sat me down and sat beside me, pulling me tightly into him. He stroked my hair and down my back just letting me soak up some much needed oxytocin. 

Not feeling close enough I crawled onto his lap burying my head into his shoulder, getting the memo he held me tighter, as tight as he could without crushing or hurting me. "Something happen?" He asked calmy wiping some stray hair away from my face, I shook my head no, still unable to find my voice. "Just a rough day I guess, those happen. But I'm here for you. Always will be. Even if it's more than a day. Because I love you."

I didn't know what I wanted, or what was wrong. I was just stressed about everything and have been living in a constant state of anxiety for a while. Sometimes the dam has to give, because nothing else will. 

You can't always control what happens to you in life, how people treat you or the opportunities you might receive, you can't always control how you feel or process things. Sometimes you just have to feel them, and feel them out and through. In the process of feeling you may miss some opportunities, but that's ok, they'll come around again. 

"Can I just stop feeling? Just for a few weeks maybe." I whimpered out finally finding my voice, but not necessarily saying what I might have wanted to if I had more time to think on it.

"Feeling is what makes someone who they are, it means they're alive. And it hurts a lot of the time, but in the long run it's going to be worth it. One day it's all going to feel alright. And if it doesn't I'll give you a discount, we can watch the stars together and pass a joint back and forth." He placed a tender kiss to my forehead beginning to rock us back and forth calmingly. 

I couldn't bring myself to fully believe his words, how could this get any better? How could I ever feel better? How could I find the motivation to make anything better?

Sensing my doubts Eddie held me tighter. "This too will pass, everything's in a state of constant change, you can't stay stuck in a rut forever. Things just don't work like that. Like this year is my year, and in turn it's going to be your year too, 86 baby. We're going to do great things. Together." 

I knew he was probably right, that I'd feel alright again soon. Tomorrow my emotional meter would reset and I'd feel better. But today I just didn't. 

"It's normal to have periods of time where you don't feel alright, and that's alright. As Ozzy Osbourne once said 'you gotta be really careful what you bite off. Don't bite off more than you can chew. It's a dangerous world.' I'm here to help you, I won't let you choke, or whatever." I let out a choked laugh at his words, the sound of me laughing made him beam. This man was brighter than a thousand suns and deserved more than anyone gave him. 

"Thanks Eddie, I really appreciate you." I laid my head against his chest listening to his heartbeat, it was even and melodic. 

Even on my worst of days, weeks, months, years, Eddie is always here to help me. It feels like he's always been here, even though he hasn't. I don't know what I would do if he wasn't here anymore. I don't know how I would make it out of my ravines. I would fall down and sit on the bottom, waiting for something to never come.

Eddie made my dark thoughts turn hopeful, he turned the worst into something bearable. Even if the thoughts persisted he was still here to help me through them, make me laugh, distract me, or just let me go through them with someone else. I didn't feel alone with Eddie, I didn't feel isolated or forgotten. 

He helps me back onto my feet when I've fallen down. And he always will, because he's Eddie and it's just who he is.

#eddie munson x reader #x reader #oneshot #fluff #eddie munson #stranger things #eddie my beloved #eddie x reader #reader insert #fem reader

[hils79]

2023 Dramas Watched

I watched a lot of dramas last year, but not as many as I did in 2022. It was mostly a good bunch, which is generally why my to watch list is mostly things people have recommended to me (or I've seen gifs on Tumblr that look revlevant to my interests.

I'll put the list under a cut. It's mostly for my reference anyway

1. Vardy v Rooney: A Courtroom Drama - My housemate wanted to watch this because Michael Sheen is in it. I don't even have that excuse, although it's always nice to see him in things. IDK I wasn't obsessively following the court case when it happened, but my boss kept giving us updates because she found it highly entertaining. I think it was just something silly to focus on to distract us all from the shit that's going on in the world. Anyway, the cast were great and it was highly entertaining. I don't think we were supposed to laugh as much as we did but it was kind of ridiculous.

2. Ghost Doctor - This is one I've been group watching with friends over the past few months. It was a lot of fun. A rather silly concept (brilliant surgeon is in a coma after an accident and haunts the hospital where his body is) with a surprising amount of heart to it. I enjoyed it.

3. Dragon Age: Absolution - I loved this! I don't know how well this would stand up if you haven't played the games. It's mostly a stand alone story with a few nods to previous canon. I, however, have played the games and they are pretty much my favourite game franchsise. So, yep, this was great. Very much in the vein of the games. Everyone is gay and it's delightful.

4. The Eclipse - This was okay. It was in a similar vein as Not Me in terms of being a BL drama about social justice, but it lacked the maturity and tight storyline that Not Me had. The two main leads were both excellent it just lost its way a bit towards the end. Still very enjoyable.

5. Welcome to Chippendales - Honestly this show wasn't even on my radar until Jacqui was looking for something to watch and saw it on Disney+. She told me she'd watched a documentary about the founder of Chippendales a while back and gave me a brief synopsis. It was such a wild story that I had to watch this. It was really good! The cast did a phenomenal job

6. About Youth - I'd had this recced to me a while back so when my Saturday group watch gang suggested we watch it I was all in. It was great! Incredibly sweet, occasionally heartbreaking. We all really enjoyed it.

7. Hotel del Luna - I enjoyed this a lot even though I cried WAY more than I was expecting to. I thought it was going to be a wacky comedy about ghosts, and there are lots of funny bits, but there's also a lot about death, grief and making peace with your life. I think I cried at least once in just about every episode. Do rec though. It was good.

8. Roommates of Poongduck 304 - This is one I started group watching before Christmas with some friends and never got around to finishing. It was cute. Nothing amazing, and not one I'd particularly want to watch again but it was fine.

9. Choco Milk Shake - I did enjoy this. It was very cute and funny in places. It was also WAY sadder than I was expecting and I ended up crying a lot. I wish they'd spent a little more time explaining the mechanics of everything (basic premise is a guy's childhood dog and cat come back in human form because he's lonely) and the ending was a little bittersweet. But overall I think I did enjoy it.

10. The Blood of Youth - I absolutely loved this! It had a lot of of the classic wuxia tropes in it, but an interesting enough story that I was hooked. The cast were great, the characters all had fantastic chemistry. I definitely want to check out some of the other dramas the lead has done because he was great.

11. Until We Meet Again - This has been on my to watch list more or less since I started watching East Asian dramas back in 2020. I've been avoiding it because it deals with some quite heavy topics (the premise is two male lovers in the 80s take their own lives because their fathers disapprove of their relationship and in present day they meet again having been reincarnated into two students at the same college) but I'm glad I bit the bullet and finally watched it. It was very sweet, and was all about healing and forgiveness. I liked it a lot. I think Not Me still holds the top spot for my favourite Thai drama but this is a close second

12. The Guest - I really wasn't sure about this one when I watch the first episode. I don't mind TV horror generally but the first episode was a lot and I had to mute it a couple of times because it was freaking me out. Luckily they toned it down a fair amount after that and the rest of it was fantastic! Really enjoyed it. Definitely one of the better dramas that I've watched this year so far. If you're looking for a k-drama that's in the same vein as The Exorcist/The Omen/Supernatural then you'll like this one.

13. Overworking Man - This was a genuinely pleasant surprise. I watched it because the lead is one of my tomb show actors and I had pretty low expectations. I was expecting some sort of cringe sitcom in the same vein as The Office. What I got was a bonkers little web drama full of queer subtext where there's actual character development and life lessons. I really enjoyed it!

14. Midnight Museum - This was a very odd little drama. It was made by GMM who makes a lot of my favourite BL dramas. This one is not a BL, but it uses all of the BL tropes. The two male leads keep talking about how they want to be together forever and they keep risking their lives to save each other. I guess as bros? It starts off as a horror drama (premise is a barista ends up getting a job at a museum that houses cursed objects, which then get stolen, and they have to recover them all) but then halfway through it turns into this weird religious cult thing where they examine the nature of free will vs God's plan. I think I enjoyed it? But it was definitely a bit weird.

15. Cupid's Last Wish - I've been group watching this with some friends over the past couple of months. I enjoyed both leads in A Tale of 1000 Stars which I watched last year. They were good in this too but the story didn't hit quite as hard. It was fine but the ending felt rushed and anticlimactic

16. Sell Your Haunted House - This was really fun. It reminded me a bit of Buffy just in terms of general vibes and ass-kicking female lead. There were some genuinely surprising plot twists and I had a blast watching it

17. Ghost Host, Ghost House - This had a nice twist to it that I didn't figure out until I was partway through. It was cute and interesting.

18. Stupid Boys, Stupid Love - This was cute. I haven't watched much Vietnamese TV and this was very diverse even for a BL drama. There were gay boys, gay girls, height differences (the tall biker girl and her small nerd boyfriend were my favourites), butch women, femme women, bisexuals. The characters were young and, as the title suggests, pretty stupid. But overall it was cute and fun and it was only an hour long in total

19. A League of Nobleman - This was fun. It was quite silly, buckets of queer subtext and some political intrigue thrown in for good measure. It wasn't particularly deep or heavy going but I enjoyed it a lot.

20. Between Us - This is a spinoff/sequel to Until We Meet again. It was very sweet, and I enjoyed my favourite character from UWMA being the main role in this. Didn't quite have the same emotional impact as UWMA but I very much enjoyed it

21. Reset - Finished this while I was at the treehouse last month. It was one we had been group watching and it was nice to get to finish it in person. It was an interesting drama. A lot of unexpected twists which I liked, and a timeloop story is always fun

22. Our Dining Table - Absolutely one of my favourite things that I have watched this year. It was so sweet and soft. Usually I'm not a fan of kidfic but this was really lovely and the kid in question was adorable

23. Tale of the Nine-Tailed 1938 - I was a bit dubious when I heard they were doing a sequel to Tale of the Nine-Tailed but it was perfect. Time travel shenanigans, an awesome woman with a huge sword, brotherly bonding, an OT3 polycule. I had a great time.

24. The Eighth Sense - I liked parts of it. The main couple were cute, the two best friends were awesome. I did not care for the unnecessarily bitchy ex-girlfriend and her best friend who was equally awful. It went a little two hard on the 'everyone must have a happy ending' idea so a bunch of characters ended up getting apologised to who really didn't deserve it

25. Popular Indie Creator Nekoyashiki is Making His Yearning for Approval Worse - This was kind of weird, but also really fun. Everyone was so extra and dramatic but that just tied into the comic themes. I actually really enjoyed it.

26. The King's Avatar - This one got recommended to me literally years ago. Right back when I first started watching Chinese dramas and asked for recs. I definitely should have watched it sooner I absolutely adored it. Like I want to write fic levels of adored it. It had such a good group of characters, found family feels all over the place and was just generally soft and lovely.

27. My School President - A very sweet high school BL drama. I wasn't massively emotionally invtested in it but I enjoyed it

28. Love Tractor - Absolutely adorable! It's just very soft and I enjoyed this so much I watched it a second time so I could show it to one of my friends

29. The Director Who Buys Me Dinner - Got to love a drama where the premise is 'if we don't date you will die'. It was funny, but also kind of heavy with one of the protagonists being immortal and the the other being a reincarnation of his dead lover.

30. Oh No! Here Comes Trouble - I don't watch a lot of Taiwanese dramas but this was fantastic! Really funny, also really tragic, and full of really interesting folklore. I loved it!

31. Mysterious Lotus Casebook - Hands down one of my favourite dramas of this year. I keep toying with wanting to write fic for it but I haven't quite got there yet. I loved the cast, I loved the story. I was wonderful.

32. Moonlight Chicken - I really enjoyed that this was a BL drama about actual adults instead of the usual ones about high school or college students. I'd seen the two leads in a couple of other dramas and I really enjoyed them in this too

33. Goblin - This is one of those dramas that gets recommended to me all the time so I finally sat down and watched it. I enjoyed it, but probably not my favourite. I think the whole 'immortal being falls in love with high school student' would have resonated with me more in my Buffy fandom days.

34. Cross Fire - Apparently this year is the year I watch all the esports dramas. This was nothing at all like what I expected. It had loads of twists that I didn't see coming and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

35. Our Flag Means Death S2 - Loved it. Just what I wanted from a second series. No notes.

36. Good Omens S2 - It was fine. I enjoyed it. It's not one of those dramas that I go feral for but the two leads are fun and it had some nice surprises.

37. He's Coming to Me - A very sweet BL that doesn't entirely resolve the fact that one of the protagonists is dead but it's left with an openly hopeful ending.

38. Stay By My Side - Another sweet ghost related story but both protagonists are alive in this one. One of them can hear ghosts, and the voices only go away if he touches his roommate. Feelings happen. It's adorable.

39. Strong Woman Do Bong Soon - I think I expected to enjoy this more than I did, but I think my disatisfaction comes from me wanting the drama to be resolved with an OT3. Instead there was just a lot of queer baiting where the two men almost kissed but they were drunk so no homo.

40. Fairyland Lovers - I was way more invested in the side couple than I was in the main storyline. The main couple really didn't interest me at all even though one of them was Bai Yu.

#hils watches #dramas 2023

[luckyshotwrites]

Ch. 64 // The Confession // Day 50

Contents (Warnings): Wicks tells Lynette everything...or tries too (Angst, magic mentions, character and monster info as always). Read full chapter on - A03

Wordcount: 2,336 (I WILL BE MAKING A MAGIC SYSTEM BOOKLET AS SOON AS I CAN, PROMISE!)

Side note: This will contain experimental writing; first person (Lynette's view) will be implemented alongside third person for the two other essential characters, (mostly) Alexander and (occasionally) Drake. All their text will be italicized for those third-person moments, with the characters' names in Bold at the start and their thoughts in Bold. There may be other characters I write for using this.

------------------------------------------------------------------- (Nov. 12th, Saturday)

I barely slept. Everything felt like a hazy layer of sick familiarity. I thought I had escaped it before. And today, felt lighter, maybe a relief. We were leaving soon. Everyone was sometimes or later. 

Wicks and I were packing in our room. He had his suitcase next to mine on the bed.

"Lentils, how did you like Garter?" Wicks asked with a smirk on his face. 

I reflected the smile, "he's-tall..."

Wicks exhaled and still smiled, "He was the first friend I met at the C.P.P.A. We were in training together as classless."

"Classless?"

The door flying open interrupted Wicks's explanation. "HEY, YOU GUYS ARE TAKING WAY TOO LONG!" Charletta charged in and hugged me first. She got Wicks in it second. 

"We just started," I muttered. "You're the one that insisted we stay up until 4 a.m. at the bonfire."

"I wanted to spend more time with you guys before you leave!" Charletta squeezed further until I was pressed tightly into Wicks and her. I could smell Charletta's rose body wash and Wick's sandalwood, one clearer than I wanted. "I feel bad we couldn't hang out because of the wedding!" She sniffled. 

I felt Wicks pull away, freeing me from her suffocating grasp. 

"My birthday's coming up. We got plenty of time." Wicks assured her. 

Charletta gasped, "OH-" Embarrassment covered her face. She forgot his birthday was coming soon. And had yet to get him a gift. Not that I was any better. "Yeah! Of course!"

I'm finally free, and I let out a clear breath. "We have plenty of time to see each other again," I said with one more deep breath.

...

Wicks

The thought hung in the back of his mind. He knew this was inevitable. He knew they'd tell her but he wished they had picked a different time.

Or...not at all. Wicks was on the opposite spectrum from the others, and his mother at one point shared that, but she couldn't bear to keep it hidden any longer.

One Month Earlier. He sat back on his new office and closed his eyes. "Transmission" from his father. It was similar to teleportation, except on a lessor scale. It sends thoughts and visuals to others from one mind to another. It requires a connection and agreement, generally. Even in his head, he could always hear the voice that was ever changed after he came back to them. "We're telling her at the wedding, because Charletta's getting married to a vampire beast named Ulysses Clemente." Padre said to him, We shouldn't. "Why now? Did Mom agree to this?" He heard Charletta voice in the background, his dad's power was frightening as he could capture the thoughts of others near him too, "we should have told her when we first took her in!" His dad and Charletta had been saying that for years. They always wanted to tell Lynette. But, they weren't around when Lynette started to fall like him and mom. "There's too much to hide..." His mom chimed in, he could tell by the trembles of her mind that she had been crying. "Then what? How can we ease her into it, we'd-I'd have to tell her everything..." He started to lower his head. She'll hate me. She'll never want to talk to me again. I can't lie to her if she asks. "There'll be plenty to tell her and plenty of time to tell her once it's over." His father said. "And if it ever gets to difficult to watch her-" Wicks snapped back immediately, "I'll take care of her." I won't abandon her. She never once did that to me. Not long after he had to cut it short, Garter came in with their coffee.

He wanted nothing more than to kill Ace now, most of his frustration redirected toward him and away from the other danger, Alexander. But, it was his fault. He shouldn't have trusted a friend of Ulysses and Charletta. He shouldn't trust anyone around her...or...no. I should have stayed with her. It doesn't matter if she wanted me around or not. I need to protect her.

That conversation and those thoughts never left his mind. He rubbed his thumb on the steer wheel leather chewing on those thoughts while he drove, until he heard his sister voice speak up.

"I'm going to quit the pizzeria." Her timid soft tone said out of the blue. The drive had been quiet, not a word about it had been mentioned since he first told her. "I've been thinking about it since you said it."

He glanced at her briefly before turning back to the road. "Really?!" He tried to hide his excitement. She actually listened to me.

"There's so much I don't understand, so much I don't know. And...I think you're right. I shouldn't involve myself in any of this." It came out with uncertainty, an unspoken unsureness. He knew she didn't want to give up.

She felt she needed to go on, Wicks knew that. Lentils was stubborn, she rarely ever gave up on anything once she started it. She had a determination he felt he lacked.

"I'm glad. And if you want later tonight, we can start our normal job hunting." He said with a smile.

There was a blanket of ease resting on his shoulders. He didn't think she was strong enough to handle everything that came with this. Just like humans, monsters were just as complicated or different. One world was enough.

He held back his cheer, he didn't want to stir her further. He could tell by the sound alone, she hated to say she was giving up.

Lynette nodded, "after you tell me what you can about magic...I still want to understand you-it all better.."

Wicks nodded. There's so much to tell you. He parked in their spot at the apartment and smiled. "Sounds like a plan."

...

Lynette

Wicks was patient with me, but it didn't matter how many breaks he made between the information I couldn't retain it. He even tried giving me demonstrations using a little bit of magic, yet there were so many spells I couldn't keep track.

I only retained two things, variations and levels. As he explained every spell has its own category, and a spell in that category was called a variation. While every variation had a level at which the magic was used, it determined its power protentional. A small use of the spell force can knock over things like soda cans, while at higher levels it could tear someone apart.

At least that's what I assumed. He really said, "it could seriously hurt someone."

"Psychic Magic, one of my specialties. It deals with spells that require mental understanding and a link to your own mind and others. If you are unable to concentrate or think, you can't use it." he tapped his head. "The first variation is Understanding. It's a mental reading of your opponent. Weaker versions need permission from the person your trying to read, while at higher levels you can understand their mind without it. You'll be able to know their intentions..."

He looked over the worry on my face and smiled, "it can also be used to understand different languages. Like if you and I didn't speak the same language, if I used it on you, I'd be able to understand what you're trying to tell me. It's as if its translated into my head with the language I know."

I don't think I'd want to ever use anything like that if I could. I feel like I would have my heart broken WAY too many times with peoples thoughts. I nodded along. Wait, is that what June uses? I then shivered, maybe a different version? He said he projects his thoughts out. Because if he was reading my thoughts...

"Can you also share your thoughts?"

Wicks jolted at the question, "technically, yes."

He went to the next before I could ask further. "Mind Erasure Variation," Wicks said.

If I quit, I'll have to deal with that won't I...WAIT will I forget everything? The wedding too?!

"To erase some ones memory it usually involves you to be present during the events you're trying to erase and or have someone else who was present during the events. If you yourself weren't present/ or have anyone who was and you're trying to erase some ones memories it'll be near impossible, as you'll have to shift through their mind."

His tone shifted down an octave, "and you can end up losing your mind and messing up theirs."

I nodded. For some reason, his face looked like someone was twisting a blade in his stomach. I didn't know why but I tried to lighten his mood.

"Sucks that you can't erase any of those embarrassing moments I have of you rent free in my head." Though, after I said that simple joke. The question entered my head.

Any of them could have erased my memory, right?

He smiled, weakly.

I interrupted him before he continued, "do you replace those memories with what you want?"

His hazel hue fixated on me. He could see it in mine as I could see it in his. My heart squeezed.

"We generally use our own memories of events to conjure a false one in some ones head. Vague enough for them not to think to hard about it." There was a look of desperation.

My voice trembled as it left, "did any of you ever erase my memory?"

He sharply answered, "Madre, Padre, and Charletta never erased your memory."

His head tilted down, his jaw clenched with the nervous jitter of his leg. It shook the bar counter.

I couldn't ignore it, I had to know. "And-what about you...?" Lie to me, lie to me, tell me you didn't.

His eyes met mine again and he said the truth. "Lentils, let me explain.-"

I looked at him and I only whispered back, "you erased my memory..."

"There was this group-"

I held my head, I wasn't listening anymore. I could feel it spinning. Everything was spinning. I didn't understand it. I would drown without him, so why...

"How many times...how much did I lose..."

Wicks grabbed my shoulder, "listen to me."

I pulled away and stumbled off my chair. I strained my voice to shout, "HOW MUCH DID YOU TAKE FROM ME?!"

I could feel the rise and fall of my chest. It felt so strained as if it was bruised.

"Lentils, it was for a reason! You were stuck with what they did to you FOR THAT WHOLE WEEK!"

"WEEK!" I shook my head desperately. What did he make me forget, how many times has he made me forget things? "You said 24 hours is a limit for erasing some ones memory, why-did you mess up your mind, AND mine."

"It wasn't that simple, Lentils are you even listening to me!"

His stood right in front of me and sounded so far away. Like there was miles between us.

My chest heaved in tandem with my throbbing head.

I watched his mouth move, his eyes looked sincere and distraught. I wanted to hear him, hold him, pretend I didn't care.

"I just-I started to feel relieved...you were-" My eyes had bustled with hot water for days. I'm surprised they hadn't boiled.

His words still refused to reach me. What else has been a lie? Has he erased my memory whenever I've been inconvenient? How many times? When did I lose that week? Was it important?

It felt so hard to breathe, I clutched at my chest. Wicks stepped closer and I shook my head.

"How many times did you do this to me, and what did you take and change?"

He kept trying to get closer. I didn't stop backing up. I could see his eyes glistening over.

"IT WAS ONCE. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT UNLESS IT WAS NECESSARY."

When is it necessary to ever do that? How do I know you're not lying now. How do I know it hasn't been more. How do I know any of you haven't been doing that my whole life! AND IF YOU HAVE WHY LEAVE ME WITH-

I heard two words from him, "missed work," and it clicked. Charletta and Wicks both hesitated whenever I mentioned the ducky place and my food poisoning...

"I didn't have food poisoning." My head wouldn't stop banging inside my skull, my vision started to blur, and I still couldn't breathe. His presence felt suffocating.

I have to leave. I thought to myself. His hand grabbed my arm as soon as I got my suitcase handle. We hadn't put anything away yet.

Please let go. I couldn't say it out loud. I didn't want to him. His grip was too strong to tug away from yet I knew I couldn't stay here. I didn't want him to erase it in my sleep.

"Lynette, just calm down, you can go to your room and think."

"I-don't-want-you-to-erase-my-memory-of-this-too." I whimpered in a weak croak, each word had a breath behind it.

"I'D NEVER DO THAT!"

"LET ME GO!" It hurt to shout. It burned. I pulled away and ran with my suitcase. I grabbed the keys to my car from the bowl next to the door. Wicks finally found the footing to pursue me.

And I slammed the door in his face.

...

Hey, you, thank you so much for reading. It means a lot that I put out a story that people can enjoy! So, I hope you continue to enjoy it as WE have a LOT more to go! YOU BETTER KEEP PROSPERING! (Nonnegotiable).

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Catch up, see some maps/art, or check the latest release dates down below  ↓ ↓ ↓ 

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#widfali #angst vore #angsty #vore story #vore writing #v.0re #v.ore #v/0re #v/ore

[rozieramati]

12/17/23

every moment is a love story. i've been rotting in bed all day. trying to make sense of my life, the characters i've met this past year. the characters i've let go this past year. i've never felt so detached from connection before. i can't tell if it's good or bad. i've just become privy to how things work, how people work, how things are never really to be taken personally, and yes there are inherently bad people but most of the time no one is completely bad or completely good. just human. while all of this is not news to anyone, including me, to really understand this at a core level is different. i can't bring myself to form close connections with most people. maybe i am but it's not in the way i used to. i've been treating life as if i have more time. more time to see how things unfold, time to live, time to experience. i've never done that before. i've never lived in the now.

i've, i've, I've.

everyone i felt strongly towards in one way or another has popped up this month. i had a crying fit about it saturday night. it was a long night. a night filled with both old and new characters. a night where my heart was both broken and full at the same time. what does this mean? what does any of this mean. stupid questions that stupid humans spend their whole life trying to answer.

i went out last night. i had a lovely time with someone i can't belong to. life is so funny that way. with me. every time. i watched "The Age of Adeline" half an hour ago and it moved me. she spent most of her life not being able to live it. i feel the same. i don't really know why though. i do and i don't.

music is meant to be my ticket to freedom. before music it was rowing, and before rowing it was synchronized swimming. both of those were stripped away from me due to injury. maybe that's why i'm so afraid of finishing my album. i'm scared the freedom that it might grant me will be taken from me somehow. every time i reached the end of almost accomplishing a dream of mine that's what has happened. i would've made national team that year for synchronized swimming, i got recruited into Berkeley that other year for rowing. it wasn't in my control, losing it all. that's why i'm so adamant on having my hand on everything with music. if i'm doing everything myself, with the promotion and videos and stuff, then i won't have to rely on anyone. and if i work alone i won't be hurt, no one can take these things away from me. it's been a long time. 7 years of practice and obsession. that's how long it was for synchronized swimming before i was kicked in the head and sentenced to 7 years of concussions. seven seems to love me. i broke a tall mirror at the ripe age of eight and was horrified the moment it happened. glass shards covered the tan carpet floor and my mind was infected with intrusive thoughts about the bad luck i'd endure over the coming seven years. i wasn't wrong, but i also didn't predict it to last beyond those seven years.

my life is great. i fell asleep around 1pm and had a dream about people congratulating me for my achievements. it felt good until i began to dream about every character i've had to face this month. then i felt alone. then i wanted to recoil more.

the truth is yes, i have become detached; detached from the new characters that is. i know how to keep my distance. but that doesn't excuse the old characters from impacting me. i guess i'm just going outside more. i guess that's why i'm running into them all. i don't know. it seems all too coincidental. like the universe wants to show me something. maybe it's just how far i've come! how much i've grown. what everything has aligned to, and how it all turned out so much differently than i could have ever expected. i suppose that's it. nothing is really predictable. i spent too many years worrying about the outcome. only for me to set myself up to be in a constant state of grave disappointment because i was too attached to what i thought was best. now i accept i do not know what's best for anyone other than myself in this moment. that's why i've been detached. i've recognized there is truly no anxiety to be had in wondering about other people, their intentions, their feelings, etc. people will do what people do, and they will unveil it with time. whether that be in two weeks, two months, or seven years is not my problem. my reaction is all the weight i need to carry.

i suppose i've found my freedom outside of my occupation. 24, the year of liberation.

#diary entry

[esparafuso]

Monday, November 7th, 2022

Dear Diary, where do I even begin. Perhaps saying I still can't believe I saw my favourite band performing live for the first time.

I'm an anxious person and shows always seemed so far away from me, from where I lived and from what I thought I'd have the guts of attending. If it wasn't for my friend Lya (@/sorethpid) I'd perhaps still be dreaming about how cool it would be if I lived the same experience I keep seeing others have for years and years.

In an impulse, we bought tickets for Primavera Sound 2022 happening in São Paulo. It wasn't cheap, but both of us had savings and were crazy enough to spend it on a ticket and flight tickets and a hotel room.

We live in different states, so it was thrilling to meet her again (third time personally), as we met on the internet 6 years ago here on tumblr, two artists drawing Arctic Monkeys fanart and rambling to the other about our favourite things about them, and our favourite album, and how much we wish we had the chance of hearing them live.

It happened on Saturday, November 5th. Her first festival, my first show ever in life, we got to the place and tried to keep it cool among all the stylish people around. It was okay though, we were just happy to be there. We decided to buy two donuts (we admittedly didn't plan food very well, too anxious to get to the place already) and after a couple stops we headed to the stage to take a look, but decided to stay there already when we saw the narrow place and the realisation that soon the whole thing would be packed w ppl hit us (later on, we saw we would better had stopped by a nearby bathroom for Lya, but okay)

The gig would start at 10pm, and we were there at 4:30pm. We got to know the music of a sweet artist called Helado Negro, which we supported and danced along even not knowing the lyrics. One hour and a half break, and then came Interpol. I personally didn't listen to the band much, but they kicked ass and made everyone super pumped and jumpy (myself included). Another one hour and a half before AM.

Gigs aren't kind to shorter ppl, we learned that. We tried our best to adjust and see the stage (which was actually way closer than we expected to get) and managed with some struggle. Our boots were also a literal pain, and I don't remember feeling my feet hurting this bad in my life, to the point I had to keep dancing to keep the pain manageable - only forgotten when an artist was performing. Especially the ones we were dying to see more.

Seeing the stage being set up made us already excited. Matt's golden drumkit, Nick's bass, Alex's and Jamie's guitars going through the soundproof, curtains being set on the back of the stage - we saw THREE regular sized disco balls being brought up when Interpol's stage was being set, and we knew who they belonged to, and yet they didn't make it to the final thing for AM.

After 3 false alarms, here they come. Screams ringing in my ear, I saw those four men (plus two) walk into my sight of vision and I can't even describe how I felt. They quickly assumed positions and the heavy synth of Sculptures resonated from the speakers - the The Car song we were more hopeful they would perform (we didn't even know they had played it before in Rio).

the photos really aren't the strongest bcs of how overwhelmed I was and the little space in my phone (another thing I forgot to prepare properly, like an idiot)... some recordings didn't go through, like Potion approaching, which made me sad but at least I got some :'D

I wish I could put here what my eyes saw, because I could see their FACIAL FEATURES from where I was, which was unbelievable close in my book. I managed to save the recording of Pretty Visitors, really hoping to get my beloved Agile Beast's crazy good drumming

I recorded another for Do Me a Favour, my favourite Arctic Monkeys song, where I kept shaking from crying but can't upload here pls of Tumblr's limit of videos in a post.

The whole time I sang and danced and screamed and cried, I just kept repeating in my head that they were real people, they existed, they weren't a fever dream or a gif or a video I saw on the internet, they were living humans right in front of me, and up until now I can't wrap my head around the fact I stood so close to them. I listened to them sing and play a few meters away from me, I could feel Matt's drums resonating in my heart, I saw Nick on the side looking SO soft, Jamie being the closest one, doing his little quirks and hops, Alex singing and dancing and. being a goofie, Matt playing and singing and making me absolutely lose it.

Even now typing all this makes me cry becasue I know I will never forget this experience. I just love and appreciate this band so much. I'm not the fan that knows all the lyrics of ALL songs yet, and I don't have their physical merch and albums, and this was only the first time I saw them live, but they hold a very special and meaningful place in my life that I will never forget.

The crowd overall was amazing, we sang everything they put out, screamed our lungs out and clapped and threw our hands in the air and pleaded them to come back. They waved to everyone and Alex threw us many kisses, and I hope they enjoyed their night as much as we basked in their presence.

Leaving the festival was very difficult due to bad logistics, my feet were incredibly sore, it was super cold outside and hundreds of ppl couldn't get a ride back home for the life of us - but we managed. And even then, when we arrived at the hotel, the only memory in our minds was their presence and their music still buzzing in our heads and hearts.

I hope we will have the chance of going to another one - we sure are thirsty for more now that we saw that it IS possible to see them live - but until then: Thank you Monkeys for this unforgettable night, and for existing and making us feel such strong emotions with your amazing music and journey as a band overall.

P.s.: thank you also whoever recorded the gig properly, because then we can see everything we lived in another, high definition angle, for the rest of our lives.

#arctic monkeys #the car #the car era #AM7 #Primavera Sound #long posts #my memories #my first gig!!! #Arctic Monkeys exist and are living breathing people #I'm still so fucking emotional and stunned #thank you for everything

[lesbian-ashe]

wanna vent about the last week and share it cause it was therapeutic to type it out and might be insightful for others

I moved out of my dad's house but my bills still go to him until we can change that. he refuses to do online money transfers through paypal or anything so I have to drive an hour to deliver cash to him then drive an hour back once a month. it's super annoying. about two weeks ago, he gave me around 12 hours notice on a saturday night that I need to bring him $1160 in cash the next morning or else he has to pay a $50 overdraft fee that he'd make me cover. (I always use my income tax check to pay my car insurance for the whole year all at once and this was the month for that, plus my car payment and cell phone bill) banks are closed on sundays, and the atm is NOT giving you a thousand in cash. furthermore, my job still hadn't given me a paycheck yet, so I didn't even have it all. (as I type this I've still only been paid for two days of the three weeks I've been there) when the atm inevitably only let me take $500, I got very frustrated

my dad is insufferable and brings out the worst in me. I felt the need in that moment to do whatever I could to hurt myself because I was angry. so I started banging my head against the walls and punching and kicking them. I aimed a kick at the metal part beside the window of the bank, missed, and kicked and broke the window. and of course with the bank being closed all I could do was leave. a couple days later, I get a letter from the bank saying they're closing my account and I would be banned from every branch of their establishment. the letter said nothing about pressing charges or making me pay, so I thought that was the end of it. I realized I was wrong when the cops showed up at my door on tuesday morning to tell me I would need to go to court and pay for the window

I'm stressed, scared, sad, embarrassed, and angry at myself. I blurt out to the cops without meaning to that I should just kill myself. it was stupid as fuck. they immediately call an ambulance and tell me they're taking me to the psych ward and I have no choice in the matter. they say I can board the ambulance willingly and possibly get to leave the same day, or they'd restrain and force me onto it and I'd have to stay at least three days. so I get in the ambulance and am taken to the hospital. after a few hours of testing and talking to different doctors, they tell me I have to stay. naturally I should think, I start sobbing and wailing and throwing an absolute fit, crying that I don't wanna be here. the doctors are humiliating me by yelling at me and treating me like a child, as though I'm reacting irrationally to being effectively kidnapped and having my rights, choices, and autonomy stripped away. I was wailing for like an hour and crying softy the rest of the day. I had to stay for two nights and after talking to seveal doctors throughout the day all saying that I really did not need to be there (no one needs to be there, some people really need help but no one needs a psych ward) they let me go yesterday after the two most boring fucking days of my life

they don't let you do fucking anything there. you can't have your cell phone. if you have a number you can call people on their phone but there's lots of limits to it. there's a community room with a tv with basic cable behind glass and some coloring books, paper, and crayons. no pens or pencils. you can read books if your family brings them to you. that's really it. that's all you can do. they removed the shower head and hose in the baths because someone tried to hang themself with it. they took the microwave out of the community room because someone tried to throw it once. now if you're not in the mood to eat at lunch time you have to eat it cold later or not at all. one person's bad decision removes privileges for everyone. and if someone tries to stab themself in the eye with a crayon, do we lose those too? if someone tries to hit someone with a book, does everyone lose the right to read? if someone hits another person with the remote will it be taken away and you'll have to ask the nurses every time you want to change the channel? there's SO few privileges and stuff to do already and you're at the mercy of everyone else's behavior or even your own emotions to keep it. and you're expected to be complacent and okay and not fucking driven insane by the maddening boredom. it's humiliating, it's infantilization, it's dehumanizing, it's fucking cruel

I was only there for two days but holy shit I definitely just developed a new trauma. I can't stop thinking about the other people there. I can't stop thinking about the old man who the nurses said was okay to leave but none of the family he called wanted to pick him up so they won't let him leave. I can't stop thinking about the people worse off than me who really need help but AREN'T fucking getting it there, who will be forced to stay far longer than I did. about the "help me" and "I'm not happy" carved into the plastic furniture and walls in several spots. about the attempted suicides and surely, inevitable few successes that occured in the rooms I stood in. about the nice guy who was similar to me that I made buddies with and talked to while I was there who seemed so sad to see me go, because he couldn't relate to anyone else there. there's nothing I can do for anyone there and this is going to haunt me

tl;dr, fuck my dad, fuck banks, fuck cops and FUCK mental health insitutions a thousand times over

#vent #suicide tw #self harm tw