#i took him to the vets on monday and the treatment they gave him didnt work

[ireallydontunderstandpeopleatall]

this past monday I took smores to the vet to check his condition of chewing on his back legs and on his butt/ back area.

the vet gave him and allergy shot which fixed him and mentioned for long term care to have moisturizing wash baths and benadryls

vet also took his blood to test his liver values, bc in may 2023 when he went to a diff vet for stomach issues and they tested his blood and saw his liver values were off and they gave him liver vitamins to help support his liver which he has not been taking bc theyre chewables but he has not been taking them bc he does not like them

on wednesday his blood work came back and his liver values are still bad and also his kidneys are showing b.u.n? which i need to give the vet a pee sample

so now vet said to do an ultrasound for smores which will cover his liver and kidneys and if necessary will do a biospy after.

and I'm in disbelief because my baby dog is now sick and idk what is going to happen and not sure how much longer he will be with me

this mid week i was so depressed and stressed out bc of costs

the ultrasound i called about to 2 vet specialists our vet recommended and they have both quoted about $745-$920. which means to get an xray alone is already 1,000 dollars.

I can pay 1 ,000 dollars but what is next? how much will treatment be? i googled liver disease in dogs and one person said they paid 14,000$ just to get a diagnosis. I don't have 14,000 now, nor will I ever have it all at once.

I feel so helpless that I can not do more for my baby, and i dont know what to do, am I just suppose to not get him medical care??

I read posts from the rainbow bridge and people who say things like they wish they could have done more for him/her. i now know what that really means.

I thought about how I only have 4,000 and i just let my mom borrow it because shes fucking irresponsible and needs to pay back her debt. and she wont be paying me back for a while but I didnt think i would need that money rn and how wrong i was.

then my fucking big credit card is maxed out due to my mom's usage also. it would have 5,000 which i could have really used for the ultrasound.

and so i was sitting there flipping through my accounts and looking at my balances like a few thousand dollars was going to magically pop up in them and save me and my dog

i looked at my digit savings and even if i cash over absolutely everything I will have CLOSE to 4,000. not even 4,000 :(

then my paypal credit which i asked for a credit line increase and they gave me 2,000 but it said i do not get an actual card for it and its mainly for online purchases so that doesnt help me at all.

so finally i applied for care credit and luckily was approved for 5,000.

also to note i just bought my tesla and the payments are so high and insurance is through the roof and i will turn over this car if i need to to free up money to set aside for smores treatment so we'll see if it comes down to that. it's my dream car but i can always buy another one later and my baby dog needs me right now

so hopefully care credit is enough for everything and i really hope a biopsy will not be 14,000. if things can stay below 8,000 for everything than that is something that i can reach but if they start quoting me 20k or so I'm afraid i will have to make some tough decisions and start considering end of life services for smores.

I have been thinking about it and if it comes down to me absolutely not being able to afford paying for smores services then i will have to start having a conversation with his vet on what i can do to make sure he is comfortable for the rest of his time :(

this week has been me taking so many pics, spending so much time, making sure he feels loved and looking at him like i will never see him again. i keep thinking of how i dont want to think of what it will be like without him, im not sure i will be able to breathe. he is my soul dog and i love him with all of my heart

I called around to see if i could find a better deal on an ultrasound but it looks like i can't. i also have an option of 2 places and right now I have booked with the "better place " but its 3 weeks out and being that long out also stresses me out and idk

I been putting his liver supplements in his water so he can actually take some of it. I really wish I had been addressing this sooner.

with the death of my aunt who i love so much, stephen who was such a good friend and poor daniel. I just want to try to stay positive bc i jsut dont know what to do or think anymore.

the sudden deaths of my loved ones in such a little time has been so hard on me, I remember after finding out about each one my mind goes to a dark place and my body kind of falls apart for a time and it just feels like it gets weaker with each one. I have questioned my own health and then i get scared of what if

anyways so thats whats going on w smores so far

[bean-green]

I miss my bean so fucking much. I dont even know if i mentioned it here but i had to put him down about a month ago. He was 9 which is pretty damn good for a rabbit, and i was very well prepared for this, but by gods i was never going to be Ready. He declined over about two weeks, losing weight and very fussy with food. I was picking bunches of grass from my overgrown yard because thats all he would eat regularly. We thought he maybe just needed his teeth done bc that was on the dockett, but when i took him in she said his teeth werent bad enough to explain the weight loss. That appt was on a monday. Im still not sure what was going on at this point or what started it. But he was too weak to get bloodwork done (bc they need to sedate for that in buns) so i was given pain meds for his arthritis and i gave him critical care. He gained a little weight and had an appt for the next week bc he was on track to be strong enough for bloodwork by then. Late that thursday night i noticed his head was drooping more than usual, and to the left. I called first thing in the morning. He couldnt push against my hand on that side either. I sent vids to my roommate whos a tech at his vets clinic. She said bring him in asap, luckily they had availability. We concluded he probably suffered a stroke, and even if i could get him on treatment and meds for that, the other quality of life factors were too low regardless. So i cuddled my baby for as long as i could and sang to him and soaked his entire head in tears while the first sedation round kicked in. I thanked him for the years he gave me and told him he was the best bean in the world and that im so sorry it came to this. It was strange not being able to be in the back while they pushed the final fluid. I didnt even get to see his body after which was such a weird feeling. I opted for returned cremation (as much as i dislike the process and the fact that he cant be truly returned to the earth) because i dont have anywhere suitable to bury him. I was surprised at the closure getting his box brought. I also have two vials of his fur, one white one brown, and his little clay pawprint (they look so funny since they dont have pawpads lol.) but FUCK i miss him so much. Going through all the videos i have of him really drove home the fact that he was not his usual self in the last ~6months of his life. I dont really feel like i shouldve put him down earlier but i cant help but wonder. But until the stroke happened his vets were still very optimistic so thats reassuring. Idk. I just want to cuddle him again. Nothing beat bean cuddles. I will never forget the way he would shove his little head into my neck under my chin when i held him. Sometimes i put my fist in that spot and hold that arm with the other and it almost feels like holding him.

I am just so heartbroken. He was my beanie baby for over eight years. He was with me through SO much. Every time i see my url it makes me sad, but i dont think ill ever change it. Same with my grower acct on insta; i still plan on my company being called Bean's Greens when i found it. Ill never forget him, not in the slightest. I love you forever my beanieweenie. 💔

#tw death