#i try and play it cool internally and sometimes play thru scenarios where id lose my memory in my head

[happiiest]

😔

#huh. came across the first ever piece of media that actually triggered a series of emotions that led to a breakdown #before i get started im okay now but gosh that was quite something for 4 hours earlier #was reading a manga it was uhhh.Chi no Wadachi. it was really creepy at first. but got less creepy as it went on (arguably) #and more horrifying and ot genuinely hit me where it hurt. me with my mommy issues and all #those whove read that know how....real it felt to read it. the mom was.....scary #and what hit me really hard is when she was doing the classic gaslighting bit. and his memory was manipulated #to what she wanted it to be. and that part hit me in the gut. i have memory problems #i cant remember about 90% of the things that happened between now and when i was born #no holidays. birthdays. special events. vacations... only small bits and pieces #its devastating for me and im always super scared of losing my memory and forgetting my loved ones #i try and play it cool internally and sometimes play thru scenarios where id lose my memory in my head #but its a true fear that really rocks me. but that part sent me into a feedback loop where id try to remember stuff #couldnt. got frustrated amd scared and tried again. i got to the point where i had to call my dad #and just talk with him for a little. asking him about my past and if anything traumatic happened #spoilers: not much. and then chatted with my brother after i let him go back to sleep #but thst was the most unhinged ive ever been because of a breakdown #but looking at my situation now i almost want to laugh. cuz i just thought: well now should i keep reading that manga?? #cuz reading it really fucking made me feel something. but man i couldnt control all the megative feelings #should i cut myself off from it and ignore it?? sigh....im glad i feel better now and it felt good to chat with my dad and brother #i hope i can sleep good. and i hope you can sleep good too (: #whenever you fuckin go to sleep lol