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#i try really hard but i just forget

Real talk though my GOD I love how quiet Audrey is. I was visiting a friend yesterday who has some kind of pit/husky mix and he’s SO LOUD… barking even when his owners come in the door… barking because he wants food… demand barking… to be clear, it’s fine if that kind of thing isn’t an issue for someone else, but I COULD NOT IMAGINE living with a dog who uses his voice indiscriminately and constantly for aaaanything at all. And that doesn’t even take into account the possibility of needing to live somewhere with shared walls! The amount of anxiety that would cause me, holy shit.

It was so stark seeing the collies at their breeders’ homes, too, back when I was looking into getting a collie from them. Every one of them lived in the country, where they didn’t have to worry about how much their dogs barked. It just wasn’t a big deal. It was also the main reason I ended up not getting an adult rehome… ALL those dogs had ingrained barking habits. I think it’s just very reinforcing for collies to bark (I’m guessing the same thing is at play with shelties), and letting them practice it means they’ll quickly find the activity itself strongly reinforcing. Even the really good breeders were like “well there’s someone in Spokane who will de bark them”… I’d hate to have to decide between that and losing my home (the breeders also had stories of ppl who did get evicted over their dog’s barking!)

It’s another signifier of the way dog ownership is changing; people overwhelmingly can’t own their own home, let alone a stand-alone house with a yard and more than a couple feet of space from their neighbors. It makes me wonder what the future of collies will be.

More than anything, it makes me glad we spent so much time training Audrey NOT to bark. It’s such a major stressor and I’m soooo glad I won’t have to deal with it with this dog.

(Earlier today my partner came home and i realized Aud was letting me know, not by barking but by going to the front door, going back to the window, looking at me… it was cool to see how she shows me things without just barking. She reserves one or two barks for strangers in our driveway, and she hasn’t gone into barking fits since she was an adolescent. There is a part of me that’s like “but if she loves to bark… and I don’t let her… I am a Bad Owner?” But realistically I’m sure it’s best there’s no friction between us…)

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#huh. came across the first ever piece of media that actually triggered a series of emotions that led to a breakdown, #before i get started im okay now but gosh that was quite something for 4 hours earlier, #was reading a manga it was uhhh.Chi no Wadachi. it was really creepy at first. but got less creepy as it went on (arguably), #and more horrifying and ot genuinely hit me where it hurt. me with my mommy issues and all, #those whove read that know how....real it felt to read it. the mom was.....scary, #and what hit me really hard is when she was doing the classic gaslighting bit. and his memory was manipulated, #to what she wanted it to be. and that part hit me in the gut. i have memory problems, #i cant remember about 90% of the things that happened between now and when i was born, #no holidays. birthdays. special events. vacations... only small bits and pieces, #its devastating for me and im always super scared of losing my memory and forgetting my loved ones, #i try and play it cool internally and sometimes play thru scenarios where id lose my memory in my head, #but its a true fear that really rocks me. but that part sent me into a feedback loop where id try to remember stuff, #couldnt. got frustrated amd scared and tried again. i got to the point where i had to call my dad, #and just talk with him for a little. asking him about my past and if anything traumatic happened, #spoilers: not much. and then chatted with my brother after i let him go back to sleep, #but thst was the most unhinged ive ever been because of a breakdown, #but looking at my situation now i almost want to laugh. cuz i just thought: well now should i keep reading that manga??, #cuz reading it really fucking made me feel something. but man i couldnt control all the megative feelings, #should i cut myself off from it and ignore it?? glad i feel better now and it felt good to chat with my dad and brother, #i hope i can sleep good. and i hope you can sleep good too (:, #whenever you fuckin go to sleep lol
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bc it’s like 99.9% guaranteed that that interaction is never gonna happen

#sometimes people hurt you really badly, #and it's good to be angry about that, #i don't by any means argue for 'forgiving and forgetting' when people hurt you significantly, #but the unfortunate reality is that the people who hurt you in the past just....... don't think about it, #it isnt anything to them, #the guy in my class at school who attacked me and slammed me back into the bar of a chain link fence hard enough that i blacked out, #ten years ago, #isn't lying awake at night feeling bad about it, #he probably doesnt even remember, #like definitely take the time to be angry and take the time to grieve, #but eventually theres a point where it becomes evident that there probably won't ever be a resolution for any of the stupid and terrible, #shit people have done to you, #at some point you have to close that book and stand up and go get coffee, #not to diminish whats happened to you but as a conscious choice to try and use that mental energy for things that make you genuinely happy, #instead of the imaginary bitter satisfaction of imagining the people who hurt you feeling guilty about it, #and it can take years to get to a point where youre ready to do this! it took me years!, #it's just, #99% of the time there just is never any catharsis for this shit, #so instead of waiting for it eventually it's just time to get up and get on with your life, #and look forward to future nice events instead of constantly back at shitty ones, #note: this does not apply re. people who are still actively present in your life, #c, #anonymous, #if there's someone in your life who's shitty to you you should fuck with them as much as possible and make them pay. xoxo, #I'll rb the post this is abt one sec, #idk if reading that last sentence in the post gave you a strong wave of revulsion, #you probably still need whatever cold comfort imagining those scenarios can bring you, #and i cant fault you for that, #it's just not your time yet. it's okay
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I don’t know why but this evening I’m having flashbacks of me in highschool, physically ill with anxiety every morning, and picking a perfume with scents of vanilla and orange because it’s fragrances that evokes a happy morning and I’d noticed the people I cared about were grumpy in the morning and I wanted them to have a reason to smile at the start of their day. They were so brave that kid, folded in two in pain every single day while desperately forcing themself to listen in class and be the best possible, and thinking of the well-being of people they could already see abandoning them.

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thimking. doing some researches. ive been wondering this ever since i got diagnosed w sensory input makes you think you’re gonna die sometimes disorder.. i may be autistic.. it would make a lot of sense :^]

#pip speaks, #it would explain the eye contact thing and the sleep problems and the not understanding when ppl are making jokes if i don’t know them well, #and the anxiety partly and the needing things to be the same routine or feeling overwhelmed and disconnected/detached when things change, #also w the sensory stuff i def have a weird thing with touch partly bc i had this one friend who was like waaay too touchy and seemed to lik, #e making me feel uncomfortable/embarassed but even other than that like...touch is REALLY hit or miss for me lol also my startle reflex is s, #o out of control and it seems like it’s only getting worse it’s just rlly funny at this point bc ill just be sitting and then my mom taps on, #the door and suddenly ive lost control of my limbs and i like skip consciousness for half a second and then I’m like wtf just happened to me, #i don’t know. i don’t know but i mean maybe it’s just the sensory stuff plus the anxiety. but maybe it’s not and ive learned to mask. bc i k, #know thats really common esp with girls. im just scared to ask abt it bc the place i went to for the sensory stuff was absolutely AWFUL and, #i never want to go somewhere like that again, #tldr the environment was hot and stuffy and loud and scented like something i forget and im 99% sure they had this all to test how i respon, #ded to it because another worker came in the door with a kid during the intake and was like rlly fakely oh oops this room is taken :) and th, #en on the report it was like no she doesn’t have any sensory issues because she didn’t have problems with eye contact or staying focused, #[despite all the noise and other awful stimulus there] so we don’t reccommend any therapy :) like god. i was on the brink of tears and tryin, #g to make eye contact to make a good impression bc she rlly seemed to be watching me and it was freaking me out and I didn’t want to be rude, #and seem distracted bc i didn’t realize they were trying to observe me ????? (wtf) so i tried rlly hard to pay attention and not let on how, #overwhelmed i was feeling. yknow like i a, #always do. bc if i didnt id be having multiple breakdowns at school everyday. so yknow i was like fuck you to that place and my current, #therapist actually has sensory sensitivity so um its quite a lot better :) than that evil place. im pretty sure they also do ABA therapy the, #re which based on how they treated me is not surprising but i really do want to commit evil acts whenever i think about it, #anyways idk why i typed all this i should sleep now. if anyone skips to the end bc i cant imagine anyone reads all this have a WONDERFUL day, #/night i love you so much you did a great job today and i appreciate all the things you bring to the people around you. you deserve good and, #you will love and be loved i promise. im here with u. good night :]
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#hey come over. i wanna get shit faced and forget for a little while, #gets weird vibes, #i really feel like im missing out sometimes, #i have zero irl friends. sure theres my boyfriends friends but im pretty much always gonna be just his girlfriend to them. if anything were, #to happen to us and we split (not saying it would. i don't think we're ending anytime soon. but if) i would have no one to lean on. i have, #no irl friends that i could be like im almost 20 and granted its not, #like i can go out to parties rn but like sure i can be shy. but i thrive in social situations. i love parties and clubs and the like but i, #cant do any of those things. i have no friends. i ended high school with zero friends. partially because of my own fault. partially because, #of an ex friend. i dont have anyone im close to other than my boyfriend. i dont have anyone ive been friends with for years and i probably, #never will. there was someone that i thought i had made a friend with but i tried to hang out with her and she just didnt respond and then, #couple days after that i did hang out with her but it was also her friends from high school and i just felt seperated cause i didnt really, #know anyone. i cant make new friends right now because all i have time for is work and we're in a pandemic. the two people i actually work, #with are in theyre like 50s and theres nothing in common between us so its hard to make friends at work. ive kinda been getting closer to, #one of my boyfriends friends. but like i know hes his friend first and also my boyfriend had a bad trip with him and now, #from him. i just have zero friends irl and its so lonely. my 20s are supposed to be full of socializing and having fun; right? how am i, #supposed to do that when i have no one to socialize with. no way to make new friends. and even if i do make friends its not like they stick, #around for long. ive fallen back into reading cheesy fanfics just cause i feel so alone rn. i dont know what to do anymore. and its not lik, #i dont try to keep friends. i try so hard and it just never works. maybe i am just destined to be alone. maybe ill never really have friend, #just to be clear this is about irl friends only. i know mira might read this and this isnt about you honey. youre great. its just different, #having irl friends from having an internet friend. also the tags are all fucked up and idk how that happened.
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