#i try so hard at times I try to push myself but I am still not satisfied and I’m tired of being so unhappy with everything

[angelltheninth]

I need you to hear me out-

“Let’s ruin ourselves for anyone else” with Clark Kent for the smutty one liners

Hope you have a good day ✨

Hope you have a good day too!

Pairing: Clark Kent/Superman x Fem!Reader

Tags: nsfw, smut, first time having sex, size difference, gentle sex, strength kink, whimpering, blushing, size kink

Word count: 0.8k

A/N: The MAWS fandom has some kind of hivemind cause we all decided that Clark Kent was 100% a virgin.

2. "Let's ruin ourselves for anyone else."

"How... I'm sorry... but how am I supposed to fit this," Clark looked at his rock hard cock, "into there?" and then at where his finger was, inside your pussy. He was scared of this exact thing. There was always a chance he was too big for you, Clark was a mountain of a man after all.

You laughed, "Clark, you know that hole can push out a baby right? I can take that big cock of yours." You tried to make him feel better but you were nervous too. Your heartbeat drummed in his ears, making him sweat. When he moved his finger again your pussy clenched around it.

"But my finger is already filling you, what if I hurt you. I can hold back but I can't do anything about my size." He pulled his finger out to compare. His cock was quite a bit thicker. When he wrapped his hand around it the tip still fully peaked out, red and covered with pre. "And you're so small compared to me. What happens if I hurt you and ruin this?"

Doubt was written all over the superhero's face, and fear.

He could stop missiles with his hands, fly around the whole world whenever he wanted, move buildings and crush tanks. Compared to all of that you were as fragile as glass. "Then how about this..." You pulled him closer with your legs, both of you moaning when his cock parted your folds. "Clark, lets ruin ourselves for anyone else."

"What... do you mean?" His blue eyes were full of hesitation. You quirked your eyebrow at him. "Oh, it's your first time too isn't it? See, that's even more reason why I should-" His breath stopped as you took the big tip of his cock, "Should... what was I saying?" He linked a few times, eyes suddenly only able to look at where your bodies joined, "Gosh."

"How. The. Hell. Are. You. Real." You asked between kissing his square jaw. Clark grinned to himself, squaring his shoulders to appear even bigger.

"I'm from space so I'm not sure myself." Good, he seemed to be a bit more relaxed now. "I know you're trying to calm me down, but I can hear your heartbeat too. It feels like I should be the one calming you down, you're the one who'll take... it."

"It? And what exactly will I take, hm Clark?" Rolling your hips downwards you took him past his cockhead, your pussy clenching and loosening around him.

His blush went all the way down his chest. Clark never cursed, dirty talk was new to him. He did try his best, he knew you enjoyed it, hearing him say all the filthy things.

"My... cock, you'll take as much as you can. I'd love if you could take all of actually! But please don't push yourself to." Always so sweet. You nodded and urged him forward again, little by little, he probably didn't even feel pushing past your hymen but you sure did. "Can I keep going? You got really tight, did that hurt?"

"You... feel bigger than you look. Fuck, I love it. I think I'm already addicted to your big cock." You had no problem admitting that, the heat between your legs, the pressure and fullness was already getting to your head.

"My big... oh my gosh." His eyes shut closed, focusing on how he feels, trying to hone in on the increasing heartbeat, the pulsing and drumming of his own heart. He wanted to be here in this moment, with nothing from the outside world interfering. As he nudged his hips forward he suddenly found them pressed against yours. "Huh? Is it-?"

You whimpered as he tried to move but found he had no more space to do so. "Jesus, Clark, give me a minute."

"Sorry." He smiled from ear to ear, "I just can't believe you actually managed to take me." Clark leaned down for a series of quick kisses. "This feels really nice. Is it nice for you too?"

You bobbed your head and leaned it against his broad shoulder, pressing kisses along the muscle. Since you couldn't bit him your lipstick would be enough. "You can rock back and forth a little, I want to feel you move with me." He waited for you to start but the moment you started moving back he met your hips with his.

There was simply no part of Clark Kent that wanted to be rough with you. It went against his nature. You heard him groan next to your ear when your inner walls fluttered around him, your pussy taking him to the balls and your legs keeping him there. The vibrations seemed like they traveled through his whole body.

Moments after the same happened to you, your body pressing against his, nails raking down his back, "Clar- mmn! Don't move please." You didn't think you'd come so quickly, not with all the toys you used before but it seems neither of them had anything on Clark's real cock. Like a real hero he didn't let go, not until you stopped shaking so he could pull you into a proper, deep kiss.

Your smaller frame was completely enveloped in everything that was him, all his love and gentleness and muscly mass.

#clark kent x reader #clark kent imagine #clark kent smut #clark kent fanfiction #superman x reader #superman imagine #superman smut #superman fanfiction #clark kent x female reader #superman x female reader #dc comics x reader #dc comics imagine #dc comics smut #dc comics fanfiction #dc comics x female reader #maws x reader #x female reader #smut

[karaokekittycat]

hard time is such a devastating episode but just. these lines always make me tear up sm. they hit so hard.

#'you didn't need to ask'.... #it probably hits so hard to me because it just reminds me of myself too much #of like pushing people away on the account of 'never asking for help' #but like #god. #agh. #the people in your life who truly love you will always try their best to help #smthm i still struggle with honestly #either way hard time is a brutal episode #i am now. so emotional. #man. #ds9 #julian bashir #miles o'brien

[teethbomb]

alador blight fan mood board

#Im trying so hard not to engage I feel like a bomb #I know his arc was handled badly but the shortening of the owl house should be the give away #And I personally think that the boards weren’t only cut for time!! #People are really mad he was redeemed at all but I think we forget that this guy was intended to portray a victim of abuse #Abuse shouldn’t have to be physical for it mean something #No I am not excusing what he did what he did was shitty but what I am saying is I don’t think he knew that #He thought what he was doing was in the kids best interest and when amity confronted him his eyes opened #I’ve seen people call him spineless and “woobified” and that is lost on me entirely #He stood up to Odalia and broke everything when he found out about her goals #He still has his temper he’s just not lashing out on his kids #Claims of him being turned soft don’t make sense to me because he’s been chasing butterflies the whole time! He was under Odalia s thumb #Until he learned it was hurting his kids and he stood up. #His arc isn’t perfect it’s far from it but the guy was in an abusive relationship for most of his life #I Can see the disconnect some are having but I think we’re really focusing too hard on some cut scenes #I Can see people getting upset with him especially those who relate to amity but I think it’s ironically pushing blame #Not everything can be pinned on Odalia but I think we should let abuse victims grow no matter their age #I guess it just makes me sad to see a character I see so much of myself in being dragged like this lol #Alador blight

[moenmomentsthemoe-en]

ooooo ahhhhh oooooooooggg (big vent in tags

#vent #rips hair out rips hair out rips hair out #rambling about finances and jobs ueueueee -> #i want to have a life where a job doesn't take my entire life but god it feels like its just a reality that i need to it suck up #i dont!! want !! to suck it up!!! i dont want work life to be the only thing i should have in my life !!! #maybe i should start selling on etsy?? i dont know if i have an audience to sell to aughh #i want to believe that if i try hard enough i can find a livelihood where i have space for my lows [that im still working on but GOD it #takes so so long to even dent it and. fuck] #maybe ill open an etsy shop?? #i kinda wish i could like. talk about this with someone? like my plans? without getting the suggestion to push beyond my limits #ive tried and did push beyond my limits before and it didnt end well .. i know that its important to step outside of our comfort zone #but holy cow i genuinely cannot tell where is my comfort zone and where is Burnout until. well until ive burnt out completely #i dont know the line between challenging myself healthily vs sprinting without break til i drop #scratches head #i think. i need um. support more than criticism? which sounds entitled of me. i think. i cant tell #concrit is amazing and without criticism how am i going to Be Better - but most of the concrit i receive half the time are things #that i already know and am *struggling* to fulfill which kinda just ends up. pushing my anxiety to a breakdown? mmghg #i. i want to . work healthily. i know that i cant work in a contractual job (retail - customer service - corporate etc) because i genuinely #CANNOT risk having a depressive low thats too prolonged or an anxiety spike that messes up my workflow to the point it disrupts an *entire* #working environment with other people that are just trying to do their jobs and also risk breaking one of the contracts' terms. its just no #safe to do it (ive had a contractual job and nearly. fucked up badly cause of my mental illness. im not risking it again). but DANG does it #feel like im just making excuses to not get a job #i. i have an idea for an etsy shop since freelancing would be the safest option. i just don't know if im good enough at my skills to. #actually sell to customers you know #ooughgh i wish i could run by my ideas to someone without being so so scared of. appearing as inadequate or illprepared when im doing my #best? but also its a Job and im supposed to make sure theres little to no mistakes and have a product that's of the best quality i can make #AUHGHG #i dont know how to work healthily and consistently and it scares me. #i dont know how to take care of myself and i dont know how to work. which is like. the two most important things i need to live sustainably #probably seems unproductive to me to like. talk about this on a tumblr post if anything but by the gods i need to process all this

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more #I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s #the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything #that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da #lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how #get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to #and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not #be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much #of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so. #literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in #bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it #into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it #but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted #any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself #not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha #usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day #because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere #I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s #just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway #this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this #bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school #vent tw #yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely #disability #chronically ill #i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho #i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to #anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse #I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours #I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework

[beesholmes]

.

#hello so yeah i talked to my friend #basically she played the victim and blamed me for not being so social and she KNOWS i am going through very hard times rn #i told her earlier to not take it personal i just don't want to interact with irls in general #but she basically thinks i dont like them and i dont tell anything about my life #which is a lie #i do tell them things about myself #do i really HAVE TO tell my feelings when im in depression #my therapist thinks i should communicate with people but she also wants me to take it easy #because what i am going through is a bit...hard to process #and my friends know that #idk i just want people to be patient with me #im really trying to push myself but its not easy at all #i just #want to stay at home forever #and like #maybe turn off my phone and just sleep and read books and watch shows #friends are usually there for you when you're going through tough times but i feel like #i have no one...i mean i do but i still feel incredibly alone #nobody gets it and im not blaming them for it but idk...i feel bad already for not being social like i used to #i think i just need some time and patience #anyways...will delete it later #tw rant #tw mental health

[smirk47]

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT:

dissertations are dumb, actually

#somehow #despite making very good progress each day #and averaging at least 6 hours per day of actual productive writing/drafting/time in the past 5 days #I am still not done with the chapter draft I thought I would finish last wednesday #i am so FUCKING close now #but I need a shower and I can feel myself writing and editing in inefficient and repetive circles right now #I just wanna be DONE #but I think if I just stop now and give it one more day of work it will go a lot better than if I try to push through and get it done now #grrrr #why is time management so hard #why is writing so dumb #why can't my committee just telepathically glean all the stuff I have figured out #why must I explain it to them via stupid words and graphs #WHY #dissertation blogging

[orcelito]

hmmm

maybe i need to not do this tonight after all

#speculation nation #discacc shit #i am. just stressing myself out with this pressure lol #+ with minimal encouragement atm im just running myself in circles #trying desperately to finish writing. and i am soooo close #but i can just imagine how this will turn out #i push myself too hard to finish this chapter tonight. which it WOULD take a real push to finish it tonight. #bc im officially at 16k words for this chapter. and i am not even done writing. #i stay up far too late to edit. bc that is a Lot of words to edit. #i end up sleep deprived. it's a long chapter so people wont even be able to read it quickly #i can barely sleep anyways bc im too busy waking up every hour to check to see if there are any comments (which there likely wont be. #or at least will be minimal comments. bc as i said it is a long chapter. people cant make it through it quickly) #then i crash tomorrow bc i didnt get the engagement i worked so hard for as quickly as i wanted it #im still without a beta reader bc andi is recovering which means i dont have the safety net / reassurance that beta reading provided me #and ultimately i end up in a shit state tomorrow. unable to even jump into my next bit of writing as ive pressured myself to do. #i can see it fully laid out before me bc this is EXACTLY what has happened the last few chapters. last chapter especially. #i did end up getting pretty good engagement on the last chapter. but it took time. & by then i'd already had an entire crash over it #as much as i want to finish this b4 the 21st i really need to be mindful with myself #i am doing no one any favors by rushing it. least of all myself. #really if youve read this far + youre a discacc reader. i would rly appreciate if u could send me some kind of encouragement #even as little as liking this post would help. tho a reply/ask would b more effective lol #im currently stuck in the sink hole of 'no one cares' so. it'd help to have that proven wrong. #is it annoying that i have no fucking object permanence w/ knowing ppl care about my writing? Absolutely! #but idk im just trying to do my best with a shit brain. any bit of help/reassurance would be appreciated

[jimines]

.

#this is just a little vent/update on some stupid shit going on on here regarding someone i won’t name #but i need to talk about it and vent bc im so frustrated at this whole thing #so i cut a friend off recently.. told them in a *very* heated message how i felt about all the terrible shit they'd said and done recently #and demanded they do not try to contact me anymore and blocked them immediately after #no surprise 5mins later i got two anons from them in my inbox trying to start a fight however i blocked the IP after those two #i even went so far as to disable my webpage for a few days to try and deter them both from sending anons and from stalking my page #and i shouldnt have had to unblock them to tell them for the second time to leave me alone and to stop trying to start things with me #because the last time we argued it was six weeks of emotional damage that i am still really messed up from #after all this it was radio silence - or so i thought #because i've received word now twice that this person has been saying untrue things to friends of friends #trying to start drama and rumours all because i cut them off and they didn't get that fight and that last word they so desperately need ? #i just…why? why why why? why does everything have to become a drama? this is why narcissists scare me.. #it took me over a year to realize thats what they are and that id been manipulated so fucking bad.. which is nothing short of embarassing #the way this anxiety has been weighing on my chest lately and dulling my time here is something that shouldnt be happening #im so so tired of all of it.. the drama and the fights and the rumours.. i physically cannot go through this kind of thing again #idk if anyone is reading this but im sorry for being so absent and unresponsive and (often times) really negative on my blog #its just so hard to be happy and positive and excited when this potential drama is looming over me day after day ya know? #im trying to push through and be here because i genuinely WANT to be here but its so fucking exhausting sometimes im constantly paranoid #i pray things will come to a rest and nothing will explode bc mentally i cannot take it anymore and i wont be sticking around in that case #i refuse to put myself through the emotional trauma that nicole put me through again. i REFUSE. so if i suddenly deactivate this is why. #but i wont be going down alone thats for sure #c.text

[bloodhailmp3]

i wish i didnt have some dumb little dial in my brain that means literally every long term academic/vocational thing ive attempted just fizzles out bc i start things w super intense enthusiasm and determination and then after a few months physically cannot bring myself to give a shit

#mp #when i started this job i was so good at it colleagues would make a point to email my manager just to praise me #and now my lack of enthusiasm is a 'serious issue' that other ppl have caught onto n even tho im panicking abt it i still cant push myself #hard enough to fix it #im not trying to make excuses or whatever i know i am completely to blame but i just wish i had some way of forcing myself back on track bc #i let myself down like this every time

[peachinspiration]

dunmeshi mithruncore (every day I can’t get up to make myself eat at all or get up to use the bathroom or fall asleep or actually do more to help myself unless im told to or someone physically Makes me do it or I finally manage to do so for the first time very very late in the day cuz I forced myself to out of fear)

#im in hell #that thing he said about not being able to sleep without magic or meds is so real #my sleep treatments even stopped working gradually #and if I don’t take any at all im laying awake until fuckinf 7 am #it takes me like an hour of holding it in to use the fuckinf bathroom #and the thing that makes me move is being terrified of kidney failure #it’s 6 pm and I still haven’t eaten my first meal of the day. tried ripping into a protein bar I had saved for moments like this but I can’t #make myself take more than 2 bites #the amount of times these past few years I’ve practically passed out from hunger cuz I just. cannot make myself get up to eat or make myself #something. omfgggggggff #I literally am a magic practitioner and have helped myself with spell work many times in the past yet I just can’t. make myself utilize it #more. yet I have all these books and supplies to use. and I’ve studied for hours and hours and know what to do #and it’s crazy cuz when im high off the sleep treatment THEN I actually do things but I don’t wanna use that more cuz im afraid of getting #addicted uhm. yeah idk what to even do anymore #my bf helps tremendously with leading me to do things but I don’t wanna take advantage of him too much and he’s long distance #but jesus fuck im literally on adderall now but its my emotional problems that keep it from working #it’s like wtf happened #I can’t fucking do anything unless someone’s there to guide me through it or keep me engaged as I work or they push me to in some way #and it’s like wow. cuz I want independence more than anything #it’s crazy cuz I related with his old self to the T especially with the desires and competitivity problems and trying to gain things he #doesn’t even actually want just for leverage and a sense of worth and the ‘if im not on the top on everything i dont have actual worth’thing #and other stuff I can’t remember off the top of my head. and I actually had friends and was more talkative #but now it’s like #🪿 #yk what I mean #there’s a shitload of other things I relate too hard with but I can’t remember rn or I won’t mention cuz too much to go into #my bf said if he were around irl he’d cook for me and help with stuff when I go thru being like this nonstop which hey nice cuz obv id help #him with anything too #I mean there’s days where im better and can Do Things but it never lasts long and it sucks I can’t ever trust myself having a job or #I had all these things I wanted to do but I just feel nothing toward it and it drives me insane like can this maybe Not happen so often

[girlscience]

aaa one of the other people who works at the fisheries center reached out to to set up my next meeting!!! it will be monday next week. he said it will be very informal and mostly just a way for them to get to know me and ask me questions and visa versa

#i don't know how i am going to get any sleep this week lmao #last night I slept like Shit because I couldn't get my brain to calm down #I am just so excited and nervous and I want to do so good #and I am so excited about science and learning and actually progressing #I feel like I can actually see the lay out of my near future and I actually feel driven for the first time maybe ever? in my life #I am the only person choosing this for myself. I could choose not to do it #my life here is good #but I have decided for myself that I want to try for better than good #up until now there were always other people telling me what to do with my life #parents church college my job #there was always an idea in the back of my head I might do grad school and people asked me about it #but also no one pushed me to do it. and certainly no one pushed me to choose aquatic sciences #I figured out something I want to do all on my own and have worked to get to this point all by myself #no one called any schools for me no one helped with applications no one told me what to do #(people had suggestions and people looked over my personal statement but I have done all the work by myself) #and like it was hard and I feel like I messed it up a lot but I still Did It #and seeing it come together like this is very exciting #and knowing that to get through grad school I am going to have to drive myself the same way is exciting #very much feel like I am standing at the bottom of a mountain and am getting ready for a hike all the way up

[mkscatgirl]

:/

#literally what is the point in having hope and trying to do well if youre just going to do bad regardless #like everytime i have a good feeling about a course and i rhink i can actually do well i end up barely passing #but even if i dont feel good i still end up barely passing #like am i just to stupid to actually do well #am i capped out at just barely enough #i think i might actually get it and i do my best and i try hard to learn and but at the end of the day i cant actually get anything right #so what is the point of trying like actually what is the point #if im not going to get good results why should i push myself it doesnt matter im exhausting myself over nothing #if the best i can do is barely pass then why should i bother #like i try to keep my hopes up i try to stay encouraged to try and learn and do my best and put in effort #but i dont ever get anything good out of it so what is the fucking point #i might as well put in the bare minimum if all om ever going to get in the bare minimum #i feel so fucking STUPID why cant i ever get it?????? why cant i ever do better than the bare minimum????? #if i cant get it if i cant do it if i cant keep up why am i even here why am i even trying #i was to give up so bad but i also also dont i want to stay and try but i feel like i cant try i feel like im barely staying afloat #i hate this so much i hate that i care i hate that i want to try i hate i hate i hate #im so tired of trying and never getting anything for it i want to not care i want to not have to care #the worst part is is i cant just not care because i need to not fail things do depend on my grades #sometimes i think i should just drop out because i dont think i can do it but at the same time i would be so sad and regetful if i fid #so alas i keep on going i keep on trying but like WHAT IS THE POINT????????????

[technicolorxsn]

.

#GOD #i have such a thing abt being misunderstood #like i get such a visceral reaction from it it just bothers me so much some times but... god #being tbe (apparently) worlds easiest to be misunderstood person and having A Thing abt being misunderstood Sucks Ass #its especially painful when i feel like i did articulate myself well and stuff just gets... twisted around anyway #like i feel like no matter how clear or well worded i am im still misunderstood #like just listen to me please... #it feels like it happens a lot... #ill be misunderstood or ill trip over my words or cant gather my thoughts well quickly enough and just... everything devolves no matter how #hard i push for it to stop #just give me a minute stop moving so fast when you dont even know what i was trying to say

[tabootasaur]

...

#im really just ranting so pleasr ignore this post it really isnt that serious i just need to vomit it all out before i crash #i wish i knew who i was i wish i knew who i was going to be who i would havr been before everythong went to shit #before my parents beat my soul into submission before i retreated into myself so hard im killing myself just trying to come out again #i dont know who i am or what i want or even how to begin ttying any of that #my therapist started saying all the same things my dad would say abiut me and about my qork and about my life #id been with her for over 5 years so maybe she is right maybe my dad was right maybe my parents were right maybe i do deserve nothing #i hate my body but my partner says its beautiful i can barely face the day but my partner is happy when i do #they say my parents were wrong in so many ways but why is it taking me so long to prove it #ive been bad my whole life o was a bad kid a bad friend a bad adult but i wanna be goood so bad ii might puke #i know i can be good but why cant i prove it why is it stopping me why cant i push my my brain why cant i hit the override and just LIVE #its hard being 25 when i didnt think id make it to 15 #its hard living when all you want to do is give up i want to give up i wish i could and maybe a few years ago i would have #but now for the first time in my life i want to live i want to do good but my brain body and soul have no idea how #i think im autistic and the worst part is realizing how much of me that is how much i should havr been cared for #i have to learn how to live in the world but the world is so scary and it hurts and my therapist talkrd a lot about getting used to it #she wanted me to dive in and didnt understand no matter how many qays i tried to explain to her how much it painrd me to try it her way #i wish i could just do it that i could grin and bear it but i cant anymore i cant just do it #i wish i could just become who i was supposed to be someone without the pain and the torture and the constant berating #someone who can have a job and cook dinner and still feel whole after it all #i jist want to live i want to be good i want to get better and i feel like peeling my skin off my body i feel like ripping out my teeth #it makes me feel awful every time i cant do sometbing because i was getting better i couod feel it and now im in hell this is worse #i feel like im experiencing depression for the first time all over again ivw never been so violently thrown bacj into the pit #please i want out i want to hear creaks without thinking someone is 8n my home i want to clean like someone isnt watching me #i want to move around my home like i dont expect to be graded i want to be able to sleep at night and not have tomorrow ruined by flashback #im so so tired and for the first time in my life o dont wanna give up i wanna be better but i dont know how #every time i try to get help something goes wrong and i run out of insurance soon so im probably just fucked #my antidepressants arent doing shit and my birth control makes everything harder and i jist wish i could take medication and live #im tired im tired but ive been crying in the bathroom for over an hour because sometbing so stupid triggered me #and now im a child again and i have work tomorrow and i cant scream and cry into my partner cause they have work #they work so hard for us and i can barely do a day im so fucking pathetic and yet they stay with me

[cosmojjong]

normally i try to find a way to comfort myself and feel better but now i just cannot do that. sigh

#i have been bummed out for the entire day #i really gave my best to preparing for that test and i still failed it #i don't know if it also has to do with my pride or whatever #i just know that i usually ace everything on my first try when i work really REALLY hard #it's not even to brag but i put in my everything when something means to me and i fairly do it well #so this failure (or whatever you wanna call it) was sudden and unexpected #i can still get into other majors but i want THAT one #so now it's a battle between myself and i just trying again and again until i get it right #i have a few months to try #and even though i don't feel like trying now and don't wanna think about what to do next #i still hope i find the strength and the hope to believe in better chances #i really hate letting myself down more than anything #if i set a goal then that goal has to be reached #i can't help but think of how i didn't expect to do that ~badly~ #to score 1 point out of 10 in a section.. like what happened #i guess this period of time just took a toll on me mentally and so subtly that i didn't even notice #i am subconsciously very stressed #but like to push it to the side #didi rambles