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#i usually leave the depressing thoughts to twitter but i feel more comfortable ranting here today if thats ok
calpicowater · 3 years
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Week 34/52: August 23rd - August 29th 2021 | Hydrangeas in Abbotsford
Monday to Wednesday were my days off this week. I was still trying to recover from my vaccine on M/T so I just stayed up and watched drama (我的小确幸 A Little Happiness) to my heart’s content. Went to see bb on Wednesday! We watched pranks and WongFu together on youtube~ I bought this plum gummy candy from T&T for 99 cents to try and it was very strong plum but yum!!! Would like to try again. I just really love gummy candy. I went to work Thursday to Saturday. We were told to bring props and my coworker Diana and I brought the same thing (instant noodles) LMAO. It was unplanned af LOL just Asian things, I guess. Didn’t even end up using the props at all so not sure what the point of that was but at least we got this friendship photo together lmfao. 
I am so exhausted lol. The commute is so tiring. I want free time...
#365#52#ootd#i usually leave the depressing thoughts to twitter but i feel more comfortable ranting here today if thats ok#i genuinely cannot remember the last time i felt like i had a future... maybe in early high school years#what i mean is that for the past 8-9 years i always live as if i will die next year so i would never plan for my life beyond the 1 year mark#die doesn't always mean su*cide although that feels like an option sometimes#but some days i feel so horrible abt being alive i just want to go and i've felt like this for over a decade#and especially during the past 8 years it's been extra bad... so even if su*cide doesn't end up killing me#sometimes i feel like i am so fucking depressed i feel like it's going to kill me anyways one way or another#mental health and physical health go hand in hand and ever since i started dealing with extreme mental illness my physical health has been#deteriorating slowly... from irregular heartbeats to severe insomnia and often feeling motion sickness or general nausea from doing nothing#sometimes it feels like it's only a matter of days before a chronic physical illness hits me and i leave this world for good#i just don't know. i wish i could have a life and have a future but i cannot think beyond that#i just want to live my best right now. i just want to live as well as i can right now and think about the rest when it comes... if it comes#it's just so fucking hard and idk anything lol i just wish the suffering would end and i could be happy for once#haven't felt it in so long so idek what it is#anyway if u don't deal with mental illness consider yourself the luckiest person ever#also please do not tell me to go see a therapist#i am a psych grad i am aware of the research and i have my own reasons why i do not see one#thanks for reading all of this lol#not asking for anyone to feel bad for me tbh i am so used to just crying alone in my room by myself#been doing this for a decade i'm so used to it by now#maybe one day i will live until i am grown up and maybe one day i will have a life and live normally whatever that means#and i look forward to that day bc it means that i've beat it#and if that day doesn't come or if my time on earth ends soon then thats fine too#either way i've tried by best 我尽力了#BE or HE it's all good... i am merely a speck of dust in the grand scheme of things#happy or sad... depressed or not... at the end of the day it really does not fucking matter#but i would do anything to be mentally healthy
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spideywars · 7 years
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I just saw your tweet about the prompt and OHMYGOD *cracks fingers* hmm lets see.. can you please write about harry as an actor who got a new assistant (niall) and harry gets a crush after having him around (and please don't make either of them shy or them stuttering bc i had enough of these stories)
This might be really bad or really good and you will have to be the judge of that. It’s honestly hard for me to make a story that’s not 10k words or longer so I made this as short and sweet as I possibly could. 
~~
He should just do it, pull Niall aside and just blurt everything out. But what if he said no, or looked at Harry with wide eyes and just run away? God, what if he quit?
This was a mess, all of it, but when a man like Harry is in love he can’t just ignore the feelings that become like an infestation in his body. This wasn’t supposed to happen, this was supposed to end with Harry finding a hot celebrity date who had the same net worth that he did so they could waltz around looking like the worlds most envied couple.
But Niall Horan came along, a boy from Mullingar who sent in a resume to become Harry’s assistant and had written ‘I’ve watched all of his movies, top lad’ on the bottom of the paper like this wasn’t just one of the biggest jobs he was ever going to try and get. But that comment was the only one that made Harry smile, and he thought it would be a privilege to have a funny lad coming along with him to tour around the world and go to different movie sets with.
Now though, Harry is falling deeply in love and the feelings grew into needs instead of wants and now he can’t stop thinking about bringing Niall as his next date to his premiere for his next movie, Dunkirk. There is a part of him that hates that thought more than anything, but then there is the part that dreams of it every night and wants it to happen.
He can see Niall from where he is standing at the airport, watching him settle everything for the plane ride with a large bag over his shoulder and glasses shifted low on the bridge of his nose as he talked with one of the workers. No, now wasn’t the time to say anything, they were just getting on a flight and heading back to London, he should wait till they are settled there.
He tells himself this, but the premiere is in a week, he’ll probably chicken out again at the last minute.
Niall is walking over now, staring down at their passports as he shuffles some papers in his hands, gets everything organized just the way he likes it. Harry couldn’t help but move a finger out to push Niall’s glasses up his nose comfortably again, and he bit his cheek from smiling too hard in fondness when Niall’s nose crinkled up and a small smile appeared across his face.
“Planes leaving in half an hour, so we’ve got time to kill yeah?” Niall handed Harry his passport, mind shifted to another thing already as he started looking around for a place to sit.
-
Maybe it’s Niall friendly behaviour, or how he’s been with him since the start of his success that has Harry’s heart jumping into his throat whenever he see’s him, or how he wants to sit and stare at the way Niall’s eyes look like oceans and his freckles look like the sandy beaches in paradise. But Harry has found a place in Niall that he wants to see when he wakes up in the morning, under him making love, and around him whenever he looks beside him. That’s probably why his life is more of a mess lately, cause he’s now got to juggle his crazy schedule and his undying love for an assistant that probably just wants to be friends with him, not lovers.
He’s tried other things, other people that might love him like Niall would, he really did. But it’s not the same, the touches aren’t what he imagined, the love isn’t connected enough, and his heart doesn’t feel like a beating drum in his chest whenever he looks at them.
It’s frustrating, because Niall is just an assistant, someone he should simply just work with instead of fall in love so hard he can’t get back onto his own two feet. It’s that constant battle in his head, everything shuts itself down and Niall’s the centre of his mind whenever he is left alone for a couple minutes.
That’s what is happening right now–everyone letting Harry be in his own company for a bit as they finalize dates for premieres and auditions and interviews. They landed in London and are now settled in a hotel, everyone immediately splitting off to move onto more things to get Harry’s life in order. Everyone except Niall, who is waiting in line to get them both some coffees to wake each other up.
Harry’s sat in the cafe with a hat on and as far away from the windows as possible, staring at the empty table in front of him and drowning in his own thoughts because everything is getting a little more depressing as the premiere crawls closer and closer to him. His thoughts are growing like weeds in his brain and he can’t stop them now, everything needs to be said at some time and it’s starting to get to the point where the little voice in his head is screaming at him to just get it over with already, to stop pushing everything back.
A coffee cup is being slapped down on top of the table in his little daze. He looks up startled, and then there’s Niall, the one and only who smiles down at him looking more than amused as he sits himself down across from him.
“You looked like you needed something stronger than a coffee, so I got you a latte.” Niall spoke, taking a short sip from his own drink before wincing at how hot it was.
“I thought you knew I kept my sweet things to a minimum.” Harry pretended to look unimpressed, but ended up chuckling and breaking his act when Niall raised a brow at him.
“I think you can have a cheat day today, get some energy into you before you get stormed with interviews.” Niall took another sip, and Harry watched him gulp it down easily this time, a hand coming out to shift his glasses back up the bridge of his nose again. They were too big for him.
“Yeah, guess so.” Harry didn’t really mean to sound uninterested, but his brain was working overtime and every conversation that he has had lately has been shit. He can’t seem to speak out full sentences, and usually he just let’s the other person talk themselves tired till they get bored of him.
But Niall isn’t that kind of person, no, he likes to push and prod till he finds out the core to Harry’s worries. This time this wasn’t something Niall wanted to know, and Harry cringed seeing the concerned look fall across Niall’s face when he settled his drink back down onto the table.
“What’s wrong H? Don’t tell me you’re nervous about the premiere and interviews…you never get worried about those things.” Niall was right, but he wasn’t digging deep enough, there was more to it and Harry had shifted uncomfortably in his seat under his gaze.
“M'not, just a little stressed lately.” That was true, he was definitely stressed. Harry hated lying, so this was something he could beat around the bush with.
“Okay well as your assistant and friend I’d like to know what you’re so stressed about, cause you didn’t talk the whole plane ride here.” Niall was looking determined now, arms crossed along his chest and staring right into Harry’s soul.
Should he just say it? Or will this ruin his life right before his eyes? Niall doesn’t want a relationship, he has his twitter and instagram private for a reason, he doesn’t want a high-profile partner that has the media down his throat on a daily basis. But it wouldn’t hurt to try, to dive right in and put everything on the table. This could take a load off Harry’s shoulders, and he just needed to take a chance and hope for the best. Even though this might just be the worst thing he has ever done.
God, this is like prom all over again. Asking the girl out with nervous stutters and sweaty hands.
“Would you like to go to the movie premiere with me?” Harry asked it casually but immediately cursed himself in his mind because of course Niall was going to the premiere with him, Niall had to be there with his management. He wasn’t specific enough, and he cringed seeing Niall let out a small snort.
“I’m already going with you pet, what, was I not aloud in the first place?” Niall was joking around of course, making the atmosphere a bit lighter and less awkward. But Harry shuffled to the edge of his seat, leaning over the table and grabbing for his latte that he still hasn’t taken a sip of. The warmth of it in his palm was soothing.
“No,” Harry sighed out, shaking his head and now frowning. “I meant be my date, to like, the premiere. You know, walk around with me, wear a nice suit.” He kept a straight face, trying to ignore the way he was sweating and how his mind kept telling him to just get up and run away.
Niall’s expression was, well, expected to say the least. The older brunet was sitting stiffly in his chair with wide eyes and a mouth opening and closing like he was trying to find words but there was nothing that processed in his brain. He looked cute, and his glasses were already starting to slide down his nose again.
“Uhm, okay?” Now that was the unexpected part, and Harry almost choked on his own spit.
“Okay?” He asked, blinking at Niall blankly, wanting more than just that. He expected a rant, some kind of dramatic fight that ended in either them smiling and kissing or Niall running off and yelling out loud for everyone to hear that he quit. This was…weird, and Harry didn’t really know how to handle this situation.
“I-I mean we would obviously have to check with management, get me a suit and I honestly don’t even know if I could be able to handle all the attention and I don’t really know why you want me to be your date-”
“Cause I like you Niall.” Harry chuckled as he said that, interrupting Niall’s babbling with words he has wanted to say for what felt like a lifetime. Niall’s eyes were widening even more and it almost looked comical.
“You like me?”
“I like you.” Harry made sure the repeat himself slowly this time after Niall asked.
They both stared at each other after that little back and forth and now it was a silence smothering them. Both speechless and unable to come up with anything else. Harry was dying inside, could feel his heart melting in his own chest.
“This will be the weirdest first date I’ve ever been on but I would really, really like to go with you Harry.” Niall was smiling now, the shock and everything slowly draining from his face and now a hot flush was painted across his cheeks. “Only if you’re sure…” He finished, now looking down at the top of his drink and tapping his hands nervously against the side of the cup. 
Harry couldn’t help but laugh now, almost feeling embarrassed that he had built all his nerves up on top of each other till he was a mess all these weeks-years, if you count the amount of time he’s actually been in love with Niall-and it’s ended like this, them both smiling at each other across a small table in a cafe with two lattes and blushes reddening their faces.
“I’ve been sure for a while, trust me.” Harry answered as he leaned over to push Niall’s glasses up his nose, again. 
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sweetnestor · 7 years
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Story of Another Us | Week 11
university au, platonic af, now on ao3!
previous chapter | masterlist | playlist
My heart is here, it’s such a cause
I didn’t expect a phone call, text message, or any interaction from Mark. I probably should have been the one to go to him. Apologize for being stupid and getting too close to his friend. However, given from the silence between us since that night, I figured that he wanted me to stay away. I wasn’t even sure if I could still call him my boyfriend, and that terrified me. I desperately wanted to talk to him, but he was angry with me and I couldn’t really blame him.
This silence only forced me and Jack to carry on as usual. We went to class together that morning, earlier than usual since we decided it was best not to go back to Mark’s while he was in this mood. This left me with no time to dress presentably or do any makeup, and Jack had to call his girlfriend and rely on her to get his videos uploaded. Not to mention, the car ride from my apartment all the way to YTU was much longer than if we had gone from Mark’s house.
Speaking of YTU, campus was even more empty these days. There were only about six weeks left in the semester. Six weeks until the place closed down for good. There was really no point in coming anymore, according to the students who lived in the area. I, on the other hand, needed to get my money’s worth from these fucking classes, and so did Jack.
“You feel like meeting people?” he asked, pointing out the small group of people standing around the entrance to the main parking lot.
The one day I didn’t put on makeup. I drove past the group and parked somewhat far from the main office. I thought about it as we got out of the car, but I didn’t have much choice. The group had followed my car to where we parked.
Technically, we weren’t supposed to meet fans here, but Jack was more than happy to break the rules since “there’s no one here to tell us we can’t!” Plus, campus was closing down anyway, so fuck it.
“You’re Bella Santiago, right?” one girl asked me, which was surprising. I thought they were here for Jack. “Can I get a selfie? I really love your videos!”
It happened very quickly. I smiled for the picture, the girl thanked me and went to get a picture with Jack. Another person came up to me, smiling wide.
“Your anxiety video made me cry! It was so touching!” she told me.
“Aw, thank you!” I replied, instantly a lot happier. “That means a lot!”
A sudden wave of praise came from the group, all of them saying that the video was really good. It made me feel warm and pleasant. So maybe I wasn’t so depressing after all. I was expecting to be brushed off, especially since most of the group seemed to know Jack. But they were all really kind.
However, it didn’t last long. A campus security guard whisked us away, and practically yelled at the group to get off property. Jack and I pretty much had no choice but to follow him inside the main office.
“You guys are not allowed to interact with fans, you know that, right?” he told us sternly. “You’re only going to attract more people here.”
“Well, it’s not like we asked them to come over here,” I said back. “The place is closing anyway, why does it matter?”
Jack gave me an incredulous look as we walked through the main office. It wasn’t exactly typical of me to talk back, and he had never seen me be this way before.
“I’m just doing my job, Miss,” the guard told me before walking off.
I rolled my eyes and went out to the courtyard. That’s when Jack finally spoke.
“I’ve never heard you talk like that before,” he said. “You sounded really… ballsy.”
I chuckled. “I guess when it comes to the people who watch my videos, I take no shit.”
“That’s good. Really bold of you.”
It wasn’t until we got to class that we both tweeted out apologies to the people we met in the parking lot. I had to refrain from ranting publicly. Instead, I focused on what it was like to meet those people. In my time of have a sizeable following, I was noticed seldomly. It wasn’t until I was associated with Mark did it start happening more. You would think being approached by random people would make my anxiety spike…
Instead, it just made me tired and irritable. By the time we got home from class, I was looking forward to a ten year nap. Jack was still peppy and perky and talking off my last nerves. However, being the avoidant little shit I was, I just let him be. Listening to him also meant I could avoid checking my phone for any interaction from Mark. I really didn’t want to be the one to start that conversation.
“So, are we going to record today?” That was the only thing I caught from his long ramble.
I thought about it. “Are you up for it?”
“Yeah!”
We were supposed to make a video for my channel today. I had to do that today. Despite everything, this had to be done. I couldn’t be a stick in the mud.
“Okay,” I said, my eyes trailing up to Jack’s hair. “How overdue are you for dying your hair?”
He ran his fingers through the faded green locks in thought. I could see his brown roots peeking out and I almost audibly gasped. I had to get my hands on them.
“You wanna do that for a video?” he asked.
“Is it a bad idea? We could do something else…”
“No, no it’s your channel, you hold all the cards here.”
~
“Hey guys, it’s Bella!” I greeted happily to the camera set up in the living room. “Today I’m here with my friend Jack, and I’m gonna dye his hair and bleach his roots.”
Jack was sitting in a chair in front of me, a towel over himself. His hair was slightly all over the place, given that I was touching it and messing with it earlier to see what exactly I needed to do for this look. He was pretty pleased about this, given that I wasn’t going to charge him for doing this for him. He needed a new coat of green hair, and I needed a new video to post. It’s a win-win.
“So, this is partly a tutorial and partly two friends hanging out,” I explained.
“Twice the fun,” Jack said in a mock happy tone.
“Let’s get started!”
I mixed the bleach in a plastic bowl with a brush and explained how to do so before applying it to Jack’s roots. I also read off the box just to make sure I wasn’t doing anything wrong. “‘Do not use if you are not a licensed cosmetologist.’ Oops!”
“You’re not licensed?” Jack asked in mock surprised. “You’re a fraud!”
“Whoops, you caught me!”
“No, but really, didn’t you go to beauty school?”
“I did, but I never finished it because of YTU. So technically, I shouldn’t be allowed near these products.”
I continued applying the bleach, surprisingly at ease. Hair knowledge was right underneath my makeup knowledge, and it was fun getting my hands on some hair again. Although, since it was only the top of Jack’s head that needed the fix, the first step was done a lot quicker than expected.
“Somehow I forgot that you don’t have that much hair to bleach and dye,” I pointed out. “How much time do you usually spend in a salon?”
“Oh god, like two hours,” he replied, rolling his eyes. “It takes forever!”
“Dude, my hair takes at least four or five hours,” I told him, pointing to my long, black and pink ombre. “You’re lucky!”
“How can you be so patient? I go crazy just sitting in the chair!”
“It’s fun for me.” I smiled.
The next step after washing off the bleach was the color. I chose a vibrant green that wasn’t too off from previous shades that Jack has had before. For me, this was the easiest part.
“With bleach, you have to be careful not to leave it on for too long,” I explained, “especially with darker hair because it’s very easy to damage it a lot. So you have to constantly keep an eye on it and see how quickly the hair catches onto it. With the actual color, you just have to apply it and wait it out. Usually the formula will have some type of vitamins and stuff that’s good for the hair. But it’s still a good idea to get some hydrating conditioners and other hair products on the side.”
“See, I wish my hairdresser in Ireland had told me this,” Jack said. “Everything makes a lot more sense now!”
Once we finished and cleaned everything up, Jack had wonderful, bright green hair. I was relieved I hadn’t lost my hair styling skills over time. As soon as the camera turned off, I pretty much hid away in my bedroom, the depression returning. I crawled into bed and sighed in relief. I couldn’t shake the feeling of dread and gloominess for some reason. It was like I drained the last of my energy in that video.
I scrolled on my phone, looking at the pictures that were posted from the impromptu meetup earlier. I looked awful without my makeup. How could people see me as a beauty guru? How could I go outside looking like that?
So much for finding comfort on Twitter… I went to Tumblr instead, and I had to resist making a long, rambly post. Then I realized that no one would want to see a wall of text clog up their dash. I just looked at my feed, reblogging pictures of makeup I already owned, liking posts people mentioned me in. There were cute edits and gifsets of me and Mark, which only made my heart ache.
I wasn’t sure why I got so angry with him. Maybe I did get too close to Jack. Maybe I had done things that gave off the wrong idea. Or maybe I just wasn’t attracted to Mark and that’s why I didn’t want to get into bed with him. Maybe I was just faking my anxiety this whole time.
~
It felt like time was going slow, or not moving at all. I wasn’t sure if I had fallen asleep or gotten up at all. I could only tell time by the sound of Jack’s voice outside my door. He was recording his own videos and acting like everything was okay. I wish I knew how to act like that off camera.
I started feeling restless and antsy when his voice finally stopped. A constant background noise was something I needed, otherwise I’d go crazy. I rolled onto my side, listening for any kind of sound to break the silence. No footsteps, movements, or anything from the TV did that. It was like Jack had disappeared. Wouldn’t blame him.
Honestly, though, I still didn’t want to interact with anyone. I just liked hearing someone else in the apartment. I went to take a shower. Any sound from there would block out the ongoing gloom in my head.
I pretty much just sat there. Actual hygiene wasn’t important to me at the moment. The water was hitting my scalp and, while it was deteriorating the black and pink dye in my hair, it felt good. It gave me a sense of feeling again. Like a breath of fresh air, except it was water. I coughed and choked. It was better than not feeling anything.
When I was out of the shower and getting dressed, I heard noise within the apartment. I heard voices. Angry voices. Maybe I really did go crazy. Although, the mere thought did make me leave my room to actually make sure that wasn’t true.
I found Jack and Mark standing in the living room. They went quiet as soon as I showed up. The air was tense, making my stomach flip over. To be honest, I didn’t expect Mark to show up so soon.
“You still let him stay here?” he asked me in disbelief.
Yes I did, and I’m so sorry. Please don’t leave me. I’m so sorry for being a terrible girlfriend, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…
Those words were rising up my throat, ready to be puked out. I was fighting with myself not to speak those words. I couldn’t apologize for letting my friend live here.
“It was me,” Jack spoke up. “I asked if I could still stay here. I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize how bad the situation was.”
“You’re telling me,” Mark began, not sounding any less angry, “that even after I told you how uncomfortable I was with you living with my girlfriend, you still had the nerve to ask her if you could still keep living here?”
Jack gulped, clearly intimidated. “Yes.”
“What kind of friend are you?”
“Oh my god!” I snapped, my body trembling with nerves. I couldn’t control my mouth. “You’re the one who made him stay here in the first place! You’re the one who pushed us to be friends! You’re the one who felt enough pity for me to fly your friend out here and talk to me because I can’t do that on my own! ¿Y sabes que? You don’t get to be angry that Jack and I are friends now! You don’t get to be angry because he’s here for me more than you are, that’s on you! So don’t come crying over here quejando y quejando because you’re the one who made all this happen in the first place!”
I was breathing heavily and my chest was hurting. Mark and Jack had their mouths open in shock. When have they ever heard me speak this way? I didn’t think I could speak this way either.
Thankfully, the silence didn’t last long. Mark sighed and nodded to my open bedroom door. “Room.”
Still fuming, I turned on my heel and went to my room, Mark quickly following my trail. Before I shut the door, I saw Jack quickly scurry over to his room to hide. Lucky him, he gets to sit this one out.
“What do you mean he’s here for you more?” Mark asked, breathing like he was trying to keep himself steady. “What do you mean by that?”
“Exactly that, you’re never here,” I told him. “And you asked Jack to move here, without so much as giving me a heads up!”
“I didn’t ask him, I told him that you had an extra room, and you were happy to let him stay!” Mark justified.
“Because you put me on the spot! That doesn’t matter now anyway, I’m actually glad he’s my roommate, because as I said, he’s my friend and he’s there for me!”
“Stop saying that!” Mark nearly yelled, making me flinch. However, he took a step back and lowered his tone. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry if you feel like I’ve been neglecting you. I have been busy, I’ve been going to meetings and making videos, and this tour thing. I do all of this while you’re on campus, and I try to get things done, I do. Aside from that, I’ve got Matt and Ryan, and it’s like I’m raising kids! I’m not trying to use that as an excuse either, but I am sorry I can’t always be here. It’s not fair to you.”
Time management was something we had established when we first started dating. For some reason, I didn’t think it was going to be this hard. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything at all. This was all part of the vlogger dating experience, after all.
“So you’re not avoiding me?” I asked.
“Of course not.”
“I wouldn’t blame you if you were, I know I’m a handful.”
“Don’t say that, Bella. I know things are hard right now, but I will make a better effort to be with you.”
I paced around the room to avoid looking at him. “Okay… so, what about Jack?”
Mark shrugged. “What about him?”
“Am I not allowed to be friends with him anymore? He’s the only friend I’ve got.” I hated saying that, it just emphasized my patheticness.
It felt worse when Mark hesitated. “I don’t know. Do you really not have anyone else?”
“No…” I said softly. “No, and it sucks. I only have you and him, two whole people. And I know I should try to talk to more people, but god you have no idea how hard it is!”
“I know. You deserve to have friends, even if it’s only one or two. I’m sorry I made a big deal out of you and Jack. I just want you to trust me,” Mark confessed. “I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it must be for you, and I’m sorry if I made it harder. Just know that I am here for you, whenever you need me. I promise.”
That’s a big word that adds more pressure. But who was I to deny him? Words could only do so much, but god I couldn’t go down to have only one friend. Especially if that friend wasn’t going to stay here permanently.
“Okay,” I said. “Fine…”
“Okay.” Mark sighed.
Don’t lose this one. He’s all you’ve got. You lose him, you lose everything...
_______
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