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brokenbackmountain · 2 months

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south asian music recs pt 1

ok. i might just be very indian but i have barely seen any south asian independent music (NO i'm not counting coke studio), since india's music runs on 1) filmi and 2) coke studio (which again. not counting that as independent music. fuck coke studio). and 1 gets boring while 2. well. the boycotts. also adding that since i have a massive preference for rock music, this post will be primarily focusing on that. sorry about that.

note: this list might also have more of india than for other countries bc i'm indian and thus have more experience with indian music. very fucked up language order to keep you on your toes.

India:

Motherjane (genre: rock; they have a lot of carnatic influences as well): formed in 1996, based in kochi. they sing in english. i would recommend listening to chasing the sun, jihad, and soul corporations

Avial (genre: alternative rock): formed in 2003, based in thiruvanandapuram. they sing in malayalam. i would recommend chekele, aadu pambe, nada nada

Pineapple Express (genre: multi. mixes rock, pop, carnatic, experimental, electronic, progressive): formed in 2016, multillingual, no set place they're based in. i would recommend anthem, jazbaat, dil se (yes That dil se. their cover slaps.)

Agam (genre: carnatic rock): formed in 2003, based primarily in bangalore though many members are from kerala. multillingual. i would recommend rangapura vihara, koothu over coffee, the celestial nymph (manassi dussaham)

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laundrybiscuits · 1 year

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(FINE I guess this is a series now. whatever.)

“He’s where,” says Steve.

“Off to see the wizard, my dude.” Argyle passes him a pipe. Steve’s not really sure where it came from or when Argyle packed it, but he’s got manners, so he takes a hit and hands it off to Jonathan.

“Murray,” elaborates Jonathan, on an exhale. “The…you know. Oh wow, I guess you’ve never met Murray either. That’s weird, right? I mean, you were there, you were just…”

“Babysitting, probably,” says Steve. “Wait, why is Eddie meeting this guy?”

Argyle gestures in a big loopy way. It reminds Steve a little bit of how Eddie waves his arms around. “Eddie’s on, like, a spiritual journey. A dream quest, but…real life. The realest.”

“Not spiritual like church,” adds Jonathan. “Like, gay spirit. Is that a thing? Shit, why doesn’t anyone know Murray.”

“I don’t know Murray either, man,” says Argyle.

“Is…Murray a real person?” Steve asks. He doesn’t think it’s an unreasonable question.

“Yes! Jesus. He’s real, okay? Nancy knows Murray, we—yeah. Nancy knows him.” Jonathan looks kind of dour and depressed, but he always sort of looks like that.

“How’s Nancy doing?” Steve doesn’t really want to know, but it seems like the polite thing to say.

“We’re fine,” says Jonathan.

“Okay,” says Steve, who hadn’t asked that at all.

“Everything’s fine,” Jonathan repeats. Argyle reaches over to pat Jonathan on the head, then takes the pipe from Jonathan’s hand.

———

“Hm,” says Murray. It’s hard to tell what he’s thinking behind all the facial hair and glasses. “Okay, I don’t usually do this, but…what the hell. Kiddo, you are way too young to be talking like that. Your life’s not over, and if you’re smart about it, it doesn’t have to be over any time soon.”

Murray sits back on the couch, kicking up his feet. There’s a hole in his left sock.

“You think happily ever after only looks like one thing? That’s the thought of a child. If you really want, you can make some kind of picket fence life for yourself, suburbs and all. But you’re a queer, so that means you don’t have to do that shit because nobody’s expecting you to anymore. You get to decide what matters to you.”

“I don’t know any way to be gay that’s not lonely as hell,” Eddie says.

“That’s because you’re an idiot and an infant,” says Murray gently.

“You don’t have a—a boyfriend.” It comes out a little too sharp and mean, but Eddie’s feeling cornered.

Murray laughs. “Kid, what did I just say? I don’t want a damn boyfriend. Some guy coming over here all the time, eating my food? Hell no. We’re degenerate homos, we get to decide what to keep and what to shove down the god damn garbage disposal. I got some arrangements in place, and that’s the way I like it. The whole lovey-dovey romance shit isn’t for me.”

Eddie draws his legs up, wrapping his arms around his shins. His boots are probably leaving marks on the couch, but Murray can deal. “I think it…I think that is for me. I want that to be for me. Um. In general.”

Murray actually tilts his head down to give Eddie a scathing look over the top of his glasses. “No shit, Joan Jett. Your whole ooh please push past my defenses to prove you love me schtick is visible from space.”

“Fuck,” says Eddie, knocking his head against his knees. He closes his eyes, humiliated beyond words, feeling scooped-out and awful.

“C’mon, it’s not that bad.” Eddie feels a tap on his arm, and when he looks up, Murray’s holding out a glass with about an inch of amber liquid in it. “We all go through something like that. It’s a rite of passage, just like it is to get so wasted you throw up on the stranger you dragged into a club bathroom. You’ll do that too. You’re gonna be messy and embarrassing anyway, so just enjoy the ride. And take the damn Talisker, it’ll help.”

Eddie takes the damn Talisker and knocks it back in one go, just to be an ass. Murray rolls his eyes but pours him another one.

“Ah, practical shit…” Murray scratches at his beard thoughtfully. “Been a while since I had to do this. Poppers are great, don’t overdo ‘em. Splurge on the fancy medical lube if you want but Vaseline or Crisco’ll do the trick just fine. And listen up, kitten, because you can ignore everything else that comes outta my mouth, but you can’t ignore this: always wrap it up. I mean always. I don’t care if he’s your soulmate, I don’t care if it kills the mood, I don’t care if he says he’s a blushing goddamn virgin. If he doesn’t want to wear a rubber, he doesn’t care if you live or die.”

Murray looks down at his own glass. For the first time, Eddie thinks he looks—tired.

“I know there’s probably a big part of you that doesn’t care if you live or die, either. But you gotta remember there’s people who do. The kid who sent you to me. He doesn’t want to go to your funeral.”

“Yeah,” Eddie says. It comes out too quiet; he swallows and tries again. “Yeah. I know. I’ve—been to funerals too.”

Murray barks out a surprised laugh. “God, you have, haven’t you? Think I was almost thirty, my first time. I’m sorry, Joan Jett, this isn’t a great time to be young and gay. Go make friends with some dykes, they’ll keep you sane.”

Eddie, who has held Robin’s hair back as she ralphed into a bucket after losing a Peeps-eating competition with Steve, has his doubts, but he just nods.

Murray looks at him for a moment, then takes his face between two big hands and kisses him on the forehead. It feels neither sexual nor familial, but something beyond all of the easy categories Eddie’s known.

“Now piss off,” Murray says. “Don’t get some crazy idea that this means we’re friends, or that you can start coming around whenever you feel like it.”

“So, just Tuesdays, Thursdays, and every other Sunday,” says Eddie, and ducks out before Murray can start cussing at him.

———

See, Eddie’s little crush on Steve is meant to be purely recreational. It’s fun to crush on unavailable guys he knows—way more fun than celebrities or whatever. It’s just nice, to feel his heart speed up a little when Steve’s around, safe in the certain knowledge that he’s never going to do a damn thing about it. It even feels good to hurt a little bit over it, achy and sharp, like pushing on a bruise.

Yeah, Eddie knows he’s a little fucked up. But he figures this is harmless enough: a secret little vice that nobody’s ever going to know about.

Apparently, everybody knows.

“Um,” says Jonathan, wide-eyed. “Was it…supposed to be a secret?”

“Yes,” hisses Eddie. “Because this is Hawkins, Indiana, and I don’t want to fucking die. Did we or did we not just have a conversation about the many and various perils this whole thing entails.”

“My dude, if you don’t want it to be, like, public knowledge, maybe don’t flirt with him so much?”

“Betrayal!” Eddie gasps, staggering around like he’s been stabbed in the back, because he fucking has. “An unjust hit by Argyle the Assassin.”

“Argyle the Assistant,” says Argyle. “I’m assisting you, bro.”

“I don’t flirt with Steve!” Eddie screeches. “We’re friends! I flirt with you two dickwads more than I do with Steve, because I don’t flirt with Steve!”

“You really do,” says Jonathan apologetically. “Kind of…a lot. Remember when we were out by the quarry, and you kept calling him princess.”

“As a joke!”

“Ohhh yeah,” says Argyle. “That was the day you, like…took his jacket, right?”

“I was cold!”

Jonathan grins. “Is that why you kept asking him how it looked on you?”

“As…a joke,” says Eddie, weakly. He’s starting to remember that it might’ve been even worse; the words do I look pretty in your clothes, Stevie may or may not have been uttered.

“Hey, man, it’s no biggie. That was a million years ago and he didn’t say anything, so you’re free and clear. Totally righteous.” Argyle throws an arm around Eddie, who curls into him sulkily. Argyle’s tall and solid and kinda hot, so it’s a real shame Eddie can’t crush on him instead.

Eddie sighs. “If Jonathan weren’t here, I’d ask you to make out with me until I felt better,” he says.

“What,” says Jonathan. “You can’t—I mean, you can, and I, uh—support you? Should I leave?”

“Aw,” says Argyle, and ruffles Eddie’s hair. “That’s sweet, dude. If Jonathan weren’t here, I would.”

“What is happening,” says Jonathan. “I’m gonna—should I leave? I’m gonna leave.”

Eddie whines, “No, c’mon, stay, we’ll do that seance. That’ll make me feel better too. Maybe we can resurrect my deceased heterosexuality.”

They don’t manage to raise any ghosts or any heterosexualities, but it does make Eddie feel a little better anyway.

#cw: reference to the AIDS crisis #fic: young man what do you wanna be #yup that's the new title. yup it's from the YMCA song by the Village People.#1) it's a gay disco standard 2) it represents the level of seriousness with which you should treat this series #I genuinely do not know if this will ever be posted on AO3 because I'm putting so little effort into making it a coherent story #instead of a vehicle for eddie + jargyle interactions #ALSO I do not actually know if pipes were super common in the 80s. I did zero research on any part of this. just go with it shhh

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pup-pee · 1 month

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jokes @ night r not funny in the morning,,,

originally the blue was green but then i decided 2 b pan

#dont even ask me what i was trying 2 accomplish #CAUSE IDKKK #sighs @ least they look cute igg #bart is still hard 4 ne 2 draw idk sobbs #also i seem 2 draw him in a lot of tanktops while i draw kon in a lot of crop tops #i just ?????????#anyways i literally have no idea wtf this means #it was supposed 2 b silly & funny but if ur evil u could make it angsty #not me thoo…..i would neever #cause what kind of sick freak does that #((its me im the sick freak))#no but this is supposed 2 b silly ITS JUST RLLY NOT FUNNY IDK #konbart #kart #still 2 scared 2 but it in their main tags or whateverrrr #NO BC LIKE I DONT WANNA GET RIPPED APART #omggg the reason y it looks more angst is bc i put the ‘dw’ isnt itttt #ughhhhhhh #ok sure whatever GRRR AAAAAA #i have a better kart drawing idea but this 1 was easier 2 draw #brrrr #i feel like im just mostly going 2 b drawing kart 2day oh man #((i say this like i dont draw them everyday))#puppee art #holy u can rlly tell i h8 stabalizers batman #i say ‘line arts my fav part’ but i dont actually do nice line art idfkkk yyyy but mayb its bc u dont need clean lineart 2 render stuff???#@ least i dont #man i should render smth its been so long since ive like ‘completed’ a full drawingg #HELP IM STILL UPSET HOW I DREW BART I LIKE I JUST DONT WANT 2 DRAW HIM LOOKING LIKE A KID BUT LIKE OTS KINDA HARD WHEN HES NEXT 2 KON THIS I

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skrunksthatwunk · 4 months

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aurghhh ok still rewatching '97 and the way guts and casca only have the room to breathe and really come to understand and care for each other in griffith's absence because he has such a strong hold over them both.... and the way their mutual dedication to him is what causes them to bicker for years (casca thinks he's not serving him well enough, guts thinks she doesn't get that he cares/how much he cares, casca's jealousy over griffith's feelings for guts, how he won his heart without even trying or being aware of it or doing anything with it) and is also a big part of what brings them together (earlier when guts deviates from the plan to save griffith and she commends him, in the cave casca opening up about griffith and her's past, showing that vulnerability, while it's mostly confrontational, leads to guts kinda getting her better, and his efforts to save and protect her (falling off the cliff with her, taking on the 100 men so she can escape, encouraging her to return to griffith so she can help him because it's what she feels she's meant to do (her dream, the direction in life guts shares and yet is questioning because of griffith's speech at the fountain, whether or not it's enough to serve him if it means he'll never be a true friend in griffith's eyes because he's not an equal), supporting the idea of her being with griffith/being his most important person like he won't because he doesn't view it as a competition like she has been since day one) leading to her realizing that he's kind of not that bad a guy and they have a lot more in common that she thought. and how the bonfire of dreams conversation is guts opening up to her in kind, the answer to her talking about how griffith saved her, how she feels. how neither of them ever call it love but it's something they know they both have for griffith. how it's something they're beginning to have for each other, different in ways they couldn't put a word to. because they're equals this time. the way griffith kind of becomes less and less important as they find other reasons to live and fight, as they become less singularly obsessed with him. how griffith is unable to stand it, guts' personhood, that agency and peer-to-peer equality he claimed to want (and perhaps truly did) that disappeared guts from his life, his plans, his side. how it barely even matters to griffith how casca changes because he never wanted her like she wanted him. god i can't fucking stand their shakespearean nonsense drama (<- hopelessly in love with their interpersonal dynamics)

#god they're the only healthy part of this unholy mind-palace love triangle/throuple aren't they #they could have been the worst qpr/throuple in your social circle. like just insufferable when they're not getting along #if griffith hadn't [oh god oh fuck oh jesus christ] all over everything even remotely good in his life anyway #poor casca's in love with a gay man and then falls for his not-quite-boyfriend and when not-quite-boyfriend reciprocates said gay man fucki #g. Does The Eclipse Stuff. at least partially to get back at you two. oh my godd #i'm sorry i'm so not normal about them. it's starting to leak out into the blog bc i'm finally having a Berserk Moment since starting tumbl #but whewwwww. gotta get this outta my system #hope this wall of text makes sense oops <3 #berserk #berserk 1997 #how do i even tag their thang. their disastrous just horrible agonizing 3 guy dynamic. hm.#gutsca #griffguts #don't even know if anyone tags for griffith and casca. fair because 1) he raped her. yikes 2) he just straight up isn't into her #and i don't know if there's a tag for the three of them but trial and error led to nothing #but i wanna talk about their dynamic. their. (gestures wildly) whatever. it's not about thinking griffith should kiss anyone it's about lik #the agony. the pining and the torment and whatever miura so beautifully crafted for me specifically. sheesh #hope it's clear that i Don't Want Them To Be An Uwu Little Polycule Bc Casca Should Not Be In A Cutesy Throuple With Her Rapist #it's more that i think they kind of are or almost are part of this (gestures wildly again). Thing. with each other and i wanna talk about i #same with griffguts like oh man they should NOT be in a relationship. but i have this deep intense Need to study them and frankly they're #kind of crazy about each other for a while. like they care about each other so so much it's crucial to all three of their characters.#so it's kind of unavoidable. and i wanna talk about it. and have this read by people who also want to talk about it. yeah? yeah.#(and yeah i think griffith raping casca was about her and guts. like 'fuck you for making him okay with leaving me' type of vibe. even #though it wasn't her fault he's just. god. but it sure as hell isn't Mostly about casca because griffith's making eye contact like the Whol #time with guts. he makes him watch. it's just. shooooooooooo aughhhhghhghh fucking. jesus christ. that or it's the fear that his two most #important pawns are going to leave him Together and he just. can't deal with that. especially after the torture internment thing.#he's so weak and he was so close to his dream and now it's falling apart and they're leaving him and he can't even move. it's about making #damn sure they can't escape him or forget him ever again.#or maybe it's even a 'you can't have her she's mine' to guts but it's still largely like. spiteful/about possessing her as a soldier/human #because i don't think you could convince me it's about having her as a lover or about controlling/hurting/possessing her body.)

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puppyeared · 5 months

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save me old flipnote studio MVs.......

#im going thru old flipnotes i used to watch years ago and ouggghhg so many good ones #is twenty one pilots still popular.... do people still remember the TRNDSTTER and marble soda meme.........#its like im unlocking some sort of primal part of my brain and everything is coming back to me. one of my biggest inspirations as a kid #i still remember thinking the final transmission lyrics were the coolest thing and watching =TopHat= Bee and Melissa over and over #theres a very specific feeling of longing and nostalgia looking back and watching these again years later #especially when there isnt anything genshin or mcyt and instead its either fnaf undertale eddsworld or another obscure #interest... and not even fnaf sister location its like fnaf 3 and 2. its THAT old. and a lot of oc MVs especially pokemon ocs and furries..#god but they were so creative u know. i still find it amazing ppl took this little lightbox animation on the fucking NINTENDO DS and #cranked it all the way to 11.. like if u look at the transitions and movement its so fucking fluid its insane..!! HOW DO YOU MAKE THE #CHARACTERS SPIN??? AND CHANGING CAMERA ANGLES??? and keep in mind youre doing this all with a shitty stylus #on a THREE BY TWO INCH SCREEN. you only get two layers you can go up to 29FPS and you only have 999 slides to work with #and 24FPS eats up a lot of that. absolutely insane it literally boggles my mind every time i think about it. AND SOME ARE EVEN FULL COLOR #i forgot how popular EDM was back then too...they were really good for timing beats though so you get a lot of MVs with #strobe last and marble soda. porter robinsons goodbye to a world was also popular with undertale and oc MVs. also a lot of vocaloid #someone made a flipnote abt the warner bros fnaf movie being announced EIGHT FUCKING YEARS AGO. it even used the stay calm audio from #the office.... i wonder how theyre doing now... i love you shitty grainy MV audio.. but i have mixed feelings abt the flashing colors #ppl LOVED animating the sans vs frisk fight. aishite and primadonna were also big ones they were SICK AS FUCK #lots of these inspired my old oc designs.. a lot of my characters had side bangs with one eye covered. animal ears and simple eyes too #now i kinda wanna try my hand at the marble soda meme cause i loved it as a kid lol.. i wonder if i should compare my old and new art here #UGHHHH IM SO NORMAL ABOUT NOSTALGIA. IM SO NORMAL ABT MY SCHOOL BOOK DRAWINGS WITH SHIBA BROWS #yapping #nostalgia

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phoenix-clan · 2 months

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been thinking a lot about the structure of the comic lately and i wanted your guys' opinions on this:

#i think maybe i've been trying to keep everything categorized like this when realistically it doesn't totally make sense #with how i have been drawing the comic it means more eventful chapters (like 4) get up to 30+ pages alone!#where smaller parts like 5 and 1 only take a handful of pages #so i wonder if the numbering was ever even necessary at all #idk i wanna hear ur thoughts on this :) ur the audience so u should get a say!#feels weird to call y'all the audience but it's true 😅#also if ur wondering i didn't go with a moons-based system bc 1) i thought rveryone did it so not doing it would make me stand out #and 2) the kits were young enough that i figured they had yet to be taught how to calculate when a moon passes #so not using the moons system was like. an indicator that the fire not only took their family and friends but also their culture #anyways YES please let me know ur thoughts!#max moment

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i-am-totally-not-a-lizard · 10 months

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Wow

#crabs #thanks to whoever gave me these crabs it is much appreciated #now my app is unusable but it's ok i need a reason to do something else anyway #like sleep #I'm tired #good night guys #it's 2:32 am god my sleep schedule is messed up #people like me are an ugly stain on society #xd im a silly goose frfr #how many tags can you even put?#anyone else ever play transformice?#the crabs remind me of /cafe on transformice #that was a fun game god i kinda wanna play it again i spent so long playing that game #but my tribe disbanded and it's kinda not as fun without a community to be part of #maybe i should try it again who knows #but for now i should sleep #god im such a lil sleeper such a lil snoozer #or i will be in just a second #when i go bed #gn guys #good night to all the lovely souls who ventured this far into the tags #i love you and hope you have a good day #or night #and don't let your also schedule get as fucked as mine #go to bed!!! (if it is an appropriate time)#(or if you just wanna rest just take a lil nap that's nice too)#jeez that let you put a lot of tags #holy like this is a lot should i even post this?#i don't wanna be annoying #meh who cares anyone who sees this follows me anyway fuck it imma post this now and SLEEP dammit

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indigodawns · 15 days

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#been sitting here for 1.5 hours now trying to decide if i should go see my friend as promised #or not. basically i texted earlier like heyy sorry can we do tomorrow im all over the place (mentally extra unstable*) i don't wanna #make you deal with that #but she said she might not be able to do tomorrow and she's told me she hates when ppl cancel bc so many ppl have been #cancelling on her and yk. feels bad. so i really should go but im also just. ???#idk what it was but today is just so not it ive been crying a bunch and barely working and i v much needed #my noise cancelling headphones on the train and then i just kept them on for 1 #and then i just kept them on when i got home and ive just been on my bed scrolling and trying to decide dhsjsjdjd #yes i was supposed to work 8 hours today 💀💀💀#so that's the other part like if i go see my friend i know tomorrow will probably be rougher and i also need to work then yk #ugh anyways i should go we can just chill im sure #* headphone context for myself bc im just like 🤨🤨 am i just kinda sad and tired today or do i really need to rest #anyways. Thoughts? dhsjjdjdjd #other context is that my friend rly isn't doing good at all and i haven't seen her in a week and it's been #even longer since we could talk 1 on 1 #like 2 weeks rip #maybe i just need food tbh ive mostly had sugary stuff today rip

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korattata · 3 months

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PLEEEASSSEEE look at my neopet's lookup i just spent way way way way wayyyyy too long on :3 https://www.neopets.com/petlookup.phtml?pet=Pixelium

you can't see lookups unless you're logged in tho so screenshot under the cut but they fixed animations on lookups so it's kinda cool to see the very slight animation

#it took me sooooooooo long and i still wanna tweak it like maaaybe centering the egg and moving the text on the side below #did you know you can use :first-of-type on neopets but not :last-of-type? did you know you can't use position: absolute or relative?#except you can use those positions on like... shop pages and maybe userlookups #but not petlookups. anyway i also will probably put a bit of a bg in the back too #*new creative post tag here*#HI THIS IS 2 HOURS LATER THAN WHEN I FIRST STARTED MAKING THIS POST #I HAVE DONE MORE EDITS AND DETERMINED I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO MAKE THE TEXT BE BELOW THE TAMAGOTCHI.#maybe i should have done that part FIRST? idk. it breaks everything no matter what i do. whatever it's fine.

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jackals-ships · 3 months

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"Nuada."

It's fascinating, the way living with someone will change the way you understand their tone of voice. For instance you've learned when they say your name like that what your dearest consort actually means is "If you don't give me the attention I am oh so politely demanding within the next thirty seconds I'm going to pitch such a fit your father will raise from the dead to personally chastise you for ignoring your most beautiful and precious treasure."

aka local fae prince under the (incorrect) assumption his puppyboyf will live without his attention for more than 30 seconds

#jackals barks #fae au #okay 2 rb #i would do more proper shading but <3 covid has stolen my spoons but i still wanna CREATE-#also its funny I don't talk about their characterization too much but LIKE #part of their whole Thing Is this Pretty Boy Spoiled Brat energy ? bc part of becoming more fae meant dragging stuff to the surface and #amplifying it to an almost Wild degree like theres so many stories of fair folk being Like That it only makes sense jackal is also Like Tha #so while the caption Is silly hyperbole also its Kinda The Truth at the same time bc jackal DOES think they should be allowed 2 monopolize #nuadas attention and they go >:cc when he has to pay attention to things that aren't them like RUDE? they're Right There!!! Bein Baby!!!#anyways tldr fae!jackal is a spoiled lil bratty prince (affectionate) and nuada is their fantasy sugar da- [GUNSHOTS]#bc it is fun and funny to me <3 like this dog has EATEN PPL and they are WHINING bc they didn't get enough kissies in .5 seconds

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silenthillbunni · 5 months

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📖🖊❄️

#journal dump bc i have too much on my mind #1) i HATE my neighbors. theres never one quiet moment. they stomp around and slam cabinets all the time it feels like #2) i've been reading more recently even if concentration's hard bc of noise. but i also feel like there r too many books i wanna read #but yeah. too little time. so instead i cant settle on a book and kinda dont even read as much as i want to. a stupid problem really #3) it's crazy to say but i wish i had a part time job. sitting at home 24/7 for 5/6 years has been SO terrible for me.#everything feels meaningless. every day is the exact same. im not LIVING. im rotting away and all my issues get worse. im also so fkn bored #and i dont wanna sit at home and do assignments (even if thats what i technically should be doing)#i want a job to go to which takes me away from home + gives me money #then i can come home and sit and rot and ENJOY it. bc now my lazy time is only smth negative and bad for me :/#ofc i hate the mere thought of having some soul sucking utterly pointless job and our capitalist society is a slave hellhole. but.. as it is #im not even able to enjoy ANY of my time bc all my time feels bad. plus im only getting poorer and poorer so i cant afford to buy anything #4) im so fkn bored and going crazy from eating the exact same food every single day for the third month now. im sick of it #everything tastes so bland and disgusting. it's genuinely making me depressed 😭 i wanna eat REAL food. im so tired bc no nutrition :((#i cant do anything except wait for my appt w the doctor next week and hope they put me on a waiting list for surgery.. but ong im sick of it #5) i miss my sisters :/ we live in the same apartment but its like i've completely ceased to exist to them #except when they need to be passive aggressive to me. lol. i miss them. but they just dont wanna talk to me :/#but tbh. most of all... i just want my health issue to be over so my body can function normally again.#i can face anything in life if i can come home to a cup of coffee nd some chocolate ^-^ <333

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ironmanstan · 8 months

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I am coming to the realization i have been slowly killing myself with work i think oops

#m thinking now and im like #i havent read ... anything consistently .. or watched anything .. or had time to like do anything #in genuinely so long #and i was like kinda becoming ok w it #my brain issues .. nothing matters i dont need anything all i need is me i dont need to have anyone or anything with me <- bad. stop it #part of this was the i need my dad to be proud of me braincell but well i win award i have 4.0 gpa and he still yell at me #deciding now to stop caring so much (i still do but ill ignore it) i need 2 be alive again i dont care #im so mad i dont even know .. im so viscerally angry like actually i dont even know what to do with that lmfao #my brother does shit all and u give him sm slack have NEVER treated him as bad as youve treated me #and nothing i do NOTHING is good enough or changes how u look at me #like idk he called me and i cried so much i got so fucking upset i fhkdhdkf ok. ok.#he will b like omg im so proud of u i love u so much ive always believed in u and i just think back to when #he yelled at me once like fiiive years ago and i was like u just make me feel so worthless all the time #and he was like yeah bc you are worthless #and im like hmmm idk bestie i dont think youve ever changed from looking at me like that and it is insanely obvious lmao #i dont even know bro im crazy. m insane got given an inch and tried to take a mile like omg i can actually be recognized as worth something #nevermind ill stop killing myself for that pipe dream now lol #m not even upset im just mad lmao i dont wanna hate my dad and i dont but every day i feel more and more like i should #vent

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askamnesiamoonjumper · 10 days

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me after editing the aau prologue for the bajillionth time

#First chapter I changed the opening bc I always thought it felt off/abrupt and wanted to have it be prince pov from the start #I wanna get in his head more ok sue me #Beyond that tho it was just some wording edits #Specifically with the internal dialogue moments I helped them flow more/feel more like thoughts #Also mj gets a bit more of their usual edge/pessimism bc the prologue they always felt a bit too “ówò sad poor smol bean” or whatever #That’s it tho chapter 4 I didn’t change bc it’s peak #Did add some teases to later things tho like snatch senses mjs soul at the end of his chap but doesn’t realize it #Or like I added the Not Now running thing in the earlier chapters bc it was more of a chapter 4 thing so I wanted 2 set it up more so boom #I think that’s all the notable edits ig like I said just description additions the only actual new thing is the opener for chap 1 👍#Also also I got to include a hc that I have that I neglected to do before but I hc a!prince used plural internal dialogue #Because lol we love dramatic irony in this house #Grace post #this reminds me tho one of these days I should look through heart strings chapter one to look for editing things #Bc I think I did that recently but I don’t remember it much tho #Mostly just when the Hat stuff starts that was the parts I never directly rewrote I just edited them so they feel out of place in my brain #Also I’d wanna edit her dialogue bc it *was* in character (after rereading her diary’s to confirm) but I wanna have her be a bit more snark #Hat is Hard bc i Need the balance of cute little kid and also smug little shit (affectionate) like she is a pain to write man cries #This is just me rambling lol ignore it I just wanted to spam aau thoughts #In other news I made shapes redesigns but I’m on the fence on posting them bc idk if I wanna spoil or not hhhhhhhhh #Nowadays I’m more chill w spoiling things than I used to be #But there are a handful of things I’ve kept shut about (ex being princes name or mjs species stuff etc)#So I’m not sure if this thing with shapes i should keep secret or just post bc I used to spoil it but idk now #Shrugs #maybe I’ll do a poll later I dunno #Ok yapping over byeeeeee

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sakitenmaenjoyer · 6 months

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it's so funny how everyone brings up that tsukasa starved himself for a role, but nobody brings up the fact that he

1) ate the day of the audition to be in top form

2) went out to eat with wxs in part 2 of his card story

#txt #tsukasa tenma #i dont wanna say it wasnt angst tho. bc the first part of his card story was saki and toya worrying about him 💀#and in universe wxs was concerned #but 1) rui trusted tsukasa not to push himself too much/said he'd put a stop to it if it was detrimental #2) tsukasa didnt do that bc of self hatred. he clearly did not like starving himself 💀 dude ordered a steak the moment he could #granted i think tsukasa should keep pushing himself until something goes wrong (but wxs/an adult figure steers him in the right path)#colopale do you hear me #tsukasa has Some self preservations skills atm but if he were to risk his health again ...and it has worse results....#well that could be interesting. but i do think it would lead to a friendly 'woof yeah maybe that wasnt the best' conclusion #as opposed to him prioritizing roles being portrayed as a bad thing #canon talk

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thaliagrayce · 7 months

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i've been talking abt my voltron playlists and @iveofficiallygonemad asked to hear them and i want to share with anybody who wants!! i know they're not perfect, i'm working on them & trying to make them better. if you have any recommendations for any of them, let me know!! there's like A Lot and i want to give a lil explanation for most of them, so i'm putting them under the cut ^-^

SO first i have my favorite one <3 it's just. all of them. it's the whole team. it's a mess and it's a bunch of different genres because it's them fighting over the aux cord on a road trip. it's them trying to make each other laugh or annoy each other or play something catchy enough it will infect everyone in the vicinity with brain worms.

Hunk: i'm pretty happy with my Hunk playlist! chill vibes. he strikes me as the kind of guy who listens to calm music to try to find his own calm, and that's what i got here :)

Pidge: this is messier and less cohesive than my usual playlist because frankly i think pidge would have a shit taste in music. all over the board. this is a mix of meme songs and 8-bit covers and vocaloid and stuff that i think pidge would genuinely connect with, and i think pidge listens to all their music on shuffle without any regards for genre or mood because they're a gremlin. nobody gives pidge sole control of the aux.

Coran hears 80's music for the first time and loses his mind. He thinks ABBA is humanity's single greatest achievement.

Lance: i have ideas about where I'm going with this but haven't really settled yet. Lance seems like the kind of boy that loves to dance (is that canon? i forgot) so most of these are Bops That Make You Move in some way or another. he likes to present an upbeat face to the world, so there's no angsting in this playlist! we are clinging to the things that make us happy with both hands until our knuckles turn white!

Keith: i'm gonna be honest. i made him a playlist but i honestly don't think he cares about music very much. it's very important to some people! he's just not one of them! i haven't cracked this playlist open in a while but i'm pretty sure it's full of songs that i think he would conceivably train/work out to.

Shiro: this playlist involves the dumbest headcanon i have for shiro that has just not left me alone since i first thought of it. most of the playlist reflects the fact that he had an emo phase in middle school (that one isn't a headcanon, you just have to look at him to know) but BUT there are a few songs on here that are on here because. little known fact. he also went through a Twilight phase that he told nobody about. (keith knows. keith was there.) he has the entire twilight soundtrack memorized. he moved past the story but the music stays forever. he used to daydream about slow dancing to Flightless Bird, American Mouth. the first time Coran mentions that they have to avoid a place because there's a supermassive black hole there, he has to bite his tongue in order to keep a straight face. do NOT ask me why i believe this so wholeheartedly.

Allura's playlist sucks right now. I think it's because in my heart of hearts i know that, were she on earth today, she would go fucking nuts for taylor swift. i have ambivalent feelings for taylor swift. i cannot do allura justice like this. if you see my vision and have recs as to what might actually fit her, PLEASE.

Klance: i haven't done it yet but i'm gonna go through this and sort it to be a sort of progression of their relationship, starting with the more combative Rivalry songs, then slipping into "oh shit oh shit" songs, then maybe ending on the more lighthearted purely romantic songs <3

(i have two songs in a shallura playlist which does not at all encapsulate how much i'm obsessed with them. the tiny cop inside my head is just constantly screaming at me that i'm going to get yelled at for liking shallura. i am going to kill the cop inside my head.)

#mj talks #oooooh i don't know if i actually want to put this in the show tag. that's a lot of people. that's a lot of people that might see this.#fuck it we ball #voltron #anyway. as i said if you like music and you have songs that you think fit please send em over #also who wants to talk about shallura? i want to talk about shallura.#i rewatched the first ~3 seasons (the best part of the show and some of season 3) with my roommate a while back and.#ngl if we're strictly talking about the show itself and not fanworks. i care about shallura SO much more than i care about klance.#oh i should probably tag #klance #in case anyone has that blacklisted and just doesn't wanna see it #BACK TO MY POINT.#rewatch seasons 1 and 2 and you will see there was a REASON everyone included shallura in the background of their fics #and it wasn't just shoving 'space mom' and 'space dad' together #there is a very real and very compelling dynamic there. the mutual respect. the connection that comes with taking responsibility.#watch shiro's whole deal after allura gets herself captured so that he can go free and try telling me it's all in my head. just TRY.#anyway i have a lot of complicated thoughts about shiro's sexuality and most of them boil down to I Don't Think It Was Planned #i think they shoved it in last minute because somebody higher up #(not the writers i don't blame u writers i know that you have people breathing down your necks telling you what you can and can't do)#some higherup didn't like any queer storylines that might have been in the works and pulled them from the show #but then there was fan backlash because... gay people are loud now? people wanted A Queer In Space? wild thought #so they had to save their ass and actually deliver on what they had promised in interviews/on the internet/idk i didn't keep up too much #because it was so clumsily revealed! there was no buildup!#it felt very shoehorned to me unfortunately. when a) they had already built a solid and compelling potential relationship for shiro #(see above)#and b) klance was? right there? like. dude. you /had/ to have seen that. or at least some of it????#backstory dead fiance was not the best move vis a vis queer representation and i reject him #if you want me to care about a relationship try going back to storytelling basics and Show Don't Tell :)#not giving you brownie points for that 'queer representation' :)#anyway. that's my shallura manifesto in the notes.

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