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#i wanna see if this gets fucked up too

You know that feeling when everyone’s life is hurting them and we’re all traumatized and you think “if I knew you back then I would have held your hand and told you your spirit was burning enough that when we made it out we could burn it all away” but you can’t do that so you have to hold their hand and try to hold them now but you can’t fix any of it and you are just someone that sits in their apartment all day because of COVID so you try to to do art and projects and cooking and loving from afar but it’s not the same and you aren’t good enough to do it and your world is now very small and it should be enough it should be enough but I’m still shedding the stuff from before and it’s not enough, I want to touch people and heal them otherwise why am I here but I also know I want to touch them because i want to, and that’s so selfish of me to think I have something to give

#anyway who knows that this is I haven鈥檛 been getting enough sleep and I need to drink water, #anyways I feel useless and I don鈥檛 wanna do anything and I want to kiss all my friends and love them but I barely touch the only people, #I see anymore unless it鈥檚 Chris and then poor Chris has to cuddle me all the time, #and that kills me I want to do things for them I want so much but I also can鈥檛 even fucking form an idea without getting a headache, #and my adhd makes me hyper focus on one thing and then I don鈥檛 reply to my friends like normal, #and I forget to answer my girlfriend and that鈥檚 awful, #and I鈥檓 trying to remember something in therapy but even if it鈥檚 what I think it is then what does that mean?????, #like there鈥檚 nothing diffinitive about the memory, #but it makes me freak out, #and I love my dad鈥檚 side of the family but they don鈥檛 love me, #I love so many people but I can鈥檛 do it right cause I鈥檓 weird and i feel like I鈥檓 back in high school where everyone hates me and I have, #no friends or sense of self and just getting ill constantly, #like why did I go through everything if I can鈥檛 do anything with it, #why did my sister die slowly in front of my eyes as children, #why did my mom sink into a souls crushing depression that she barely recovered from, #why did I have to raise myself alone, #why was I always alone?, #why did my dad have to be abused, #so then he鈥檇 abuse me in some weird sense of protecting me, #why did his parents have to fuck me up too?, #why didn鈥檛 anyone stand up for me, #why did I have to stand up for me constantly by myself, #why did I have to be the strongest person, #why can鈥檛 my dad love me, #why does he have to be everything I hate and praise trump and hate gay people and anyone who speaks Spanish, #why didn鈥檛 anyone step up to be a surrogate parent?, #why didn鈥檛 anyone help me?, #why was I forgotten in my room forever to cry to mulan and talk to my dolls?, #why can鈥檛 his parents treat me like an adult except for when I鈥檓 with my husband cause I did something normal and got married????, #why does our family try to deal with everyone by themselves and when I try to react out it doesn鈥檛 work
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red alert im feeling shit

#it鈥檚 quite likely i wont be able to see the guy again until february when we鈥檙e both on campus, #aka almost 11 months since our first date, #and we鈥檒l have only seen each other ONCE during that time at the 7 month mark, #i wanna see him so badly i wanna be able to see him regularly so we can make it fucking official, #i love texting him i love facetiming him but itll be so much easier in person, #also omg im applying to a job at a company i interned w thats out of state, #and if i got it i鈥檇 be living 4 hours away, #and i mentioned that over text once and he withdrew a little, #and then i mentioned it on ft tn and he got kinda quiet and weird, #i dont wanna come out and be like hey uh i鈥檇 hate being 4 hrs from you for the forseeable future, #after whatll be four months w him in person if that, #i have the feeling it鈥檚 on his mind but i told him theres a lot of bridges we鈥檒l cross when i get there, #it鈥檚 not at all set in stone anyway and if it doesnt work out ill look for jobs closer to home, #which happens to be the same city he鈥檒l be in not that im, #basing my life on that im def not i want this out of state job, #i just want him too, #and considering this job/others ill look at arent the job i want it doesnt matter where i am, #i plan to take a few years do this work save up and then pursue the job i want once i have money and once covid calms down, #so being near home wouldnt be me hindering myself anyway, #ugh whatever we鈥檒l cross that bridge when we get there, #for now i just really want this job and i really really wanna fucking be held by him rn
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guys i have been reading de-aged merlin fanfiction all day and i want to write a de-aged danny phantom SO bad … on GOD … but the plot eludes me

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#mae overshares, #humm might be spicy take but if you are trying to date/marry a widowed parent whose existing child is still attached to their missing parent, #and you are not as committed in being that child's new parent as you are being that child's parent's spouse, #then you are an asshole in my book and you shouldn't have tried to build your own merry family on the ruins of somebody else's broken family, #this post is about indis. i dont like her. i will never like her and my mind cannot be changed., #apparently disliking her is unpopular but idgaf, #i dont wanna rant abt indis cause i dont wanna spend any attention dedicate to fictional character i dislike. life is too short for that, #but every once a while i get seized by the sheer force of anger i have for indis and i WILL talk abt it or else i WILL explode, #like if you are not ready to face any difficulties you might encounter and make sure the existing child of the person you are abt to marry, #would feel just as loved and accepted as your own biological children in the family you are abt to build with their biological parent, #then dont marry that child's parent. like idc the child was difficult in any sort of way. you are intruding upon somebody else's family lol!, #your feelings don't mean dick to me if you barged on somebody's family and then the existing child rejected you as a step parent, #i also dont care. in this case. that miriel did not have a problem with indis. she allowed this marriage to happen, #so this is on her tbh and she knows it. and honestly she probs felt so guilty abt the way feanor turned out that she didn't have the heart, #regardless of how miriel felt. i have a fucking problem with indis., #its not like i dont have a problem with finwe because he decided to have more than one child for reasons i cant understand, #he obviously didn't think what remarrying to have more children would come off as to his existing child, #it's like he was saying 'you are not enough' to feanor. and i didnt see this before but feanor sure grew up like the sort of children, #who constantly felt like they needed to do more and be more so their parent will love them. and it's obviously his dad's fault, #he also obviously didnt realize the damage he's done until decades later and feanor threatened to kill one of his other children, #because feanor believed he has to compete with his half-siblings for his father's love and he was paranoid that he would be left unloved, #finwe honestly didnt seem to realize what's done until his first child already turned out to be so emotionally fucked up and it was too late, #my feelings towards finwe soften a lot because of what he did next: he gave up the crown and left to live with feanor, #to me this signals to me that finwe was trying (in vain. but still) to rectify the situation. i don't see that as finwe siding with feanor, #(because there is no way finwe thinks feanor's behaviour was in any way acceptable lol), #i see this as finwe saying 'fuck the crown. fuck being a king. what matters to me right now is to be your father.', #i see this as finwe saying 'our people can have another king but i'm your only father. and being your father means more than anything else', #i see this as finwe saying 'i'm sorry that you felt you needed to compete for my love. you never needed to fear that you will lose my love', #obvs following feanor to exile might hurt fingolfin a bit. but again. fingolfin has his younger siblings and his own mother. alive and well, #he's not alone and he never felt alone. unlike feanor. so. and he got to be king didn't he? so im just saying
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i don’t feel close enough to anyone to talk to them but i’m so lonely my insides ache

#i just never click with anyone, #and get too overenthusiastic when people hang out w me in general, #manage to be both boring and annoying at once and nothing ever gets anywhere, #i can't be close to someone and also liked, #like i expect most people to not like me that's just life but, #i can't get picked by a single person no matter how hard i try even when they love me, #i'm not oven worthy of staying in touch with unless someone wants or needs smth from me, #nobody ever comes for what's actually here. so what do i make of that?, #years and years of trying to see what exactly ppl expect of me and what's broken in me that i can't make friends and it's just, #amounted to nothing and continues to amount to nothing. i don't wanna be here anymore., #what's the point of trying if nobody thinks i'm worth effort if i'm not miserable but ignores me as soon as i'm not making a scene, #i'm tired. i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired, #i'm tired of not being worth anything if someone doesn't feel like fixing me but i can't be a person enough to inspire anything else, #like i'm not a damn problem or a pet project or ticking time bomb i am fucking person, #why the fuck won't anyone count me among them, #cuz there's nothing for us to relate to on i guess, #i feel like i put in everything only to always be told half truths at best while quiet resentment grows toward me, #all i can really do is bare with it until it's over or leave and they both kinda lead to the same place, #it's always been worth bearing to be known for a bit. someone will come along and pretend i'm worth knowing until they're bored, #and idk if i wanna open myself up for this same bait and switch again bc it rly doesn't seem to matter where i go, #i will always fail to make the cut for a permanent figure if it comes down to my own worth, #at some point i have to come to terms with the fact that this is my lot here and stop trying, #it's been years, #it's been years. if nobody has found other value in me after all this time it really just must not be there for anyone, #i'm alone
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