#i want to find joy in sharing my masculinity and experiences with someone who truly understands

[no-psi-nan]

In my post-canon fic series, Akechi becomes friends with Kusuke in adulthood, often visiting his lab to hang out and play games and chat. (This happens well past what I've posted so far though lol)

Akechi is openly non-binary, and makes a bet with Kusuke over a game, like they usually do, for custom hormone replacement treatment as a prize. Akechi wins and Kusuke studies pharmaceuticals and stuff to make him a course of hormones that will give him more feminine features while still keeping a lot of his masculine features.

Anyways I ended up writing this character introspective moment between Akechi and Kusuke that I thought was neat:

Akechi's quarterly physical is a boring regular affair on the couch at Kusuke's lab. It's just a simple checkup to see how well Kusuke's custom blend of sex hormones was working to give Akechi the perfectly ambiguously gendered figure of his dreams.

But for Akechi, undressing - even just to the waist - is always a grand production.

Off comes his suit jacket, and he takes the time to hang it up neatly to avoid wrinkles.

Then he unhooks his suspenders from the back, pulling the straps forward to tie in a neat little bow to keep them out of the way without having to remove them entirely.

The way he unbuttons his dress shirt is always so prim and practiced too, each twist of his wrists at once mechanical and dramatic.

Akechi's bright gaze meets Kusuke's then.

"It used to be that I only considered mirrors to be utilitarian things," he says, "useful for ensuring that my clothes were tidy and my hair neat, or occasionally for a closer perspective on some blemish or bruise. But lately, whenever I catch sight of myself in the mirror, I smile, and it's this unintentional, unbidden outburst of joy – a wild thing that I would never have considered possible at such a mundane occurrence. Had I felt 'wrong' in my old body? Certainly not– I was reasonably satisfied with it at the time. But these latest developments have, in a sense, elevated my everyday experience, increased the background baseline of my mood. And for that, I am truly thankful, Kusuke. We both know that our gambling antes are farcical, more of an excuse to share in an experience than a true wager. And yet you've granted me such an enormous boon, at no little cost of your own. I have some idea of how much time you spent studying human biology and pharmaceuticals in order to prepare this treatment regimen for me. Time you could have perhaps better spent developing your own inventions and theorems. Yet you have been nothing but professional and attentive with me throughout these years. I would like to thank you wholeheartedly for everything."

And of course, Kusuke would have complicated feelings about his closest and practically only friend, so...

Kusuke looks away from Akechi to the other side of his couch, uselessly hiding his expression from someone who knows his emotions better than himself.

"No problem," he says. "It's fun."

"You want more," Akechi states simply, no judgment in his tone.

Kusuke frowns.

It's true.

As much as he enjoys Akechi's company, and the time they spend fiddling with Kusuke's machines and playing crazy little games for mostly meaningless antes, there's something missing.

Kusuke doesn't know what it is, but he feels it in his chest when Akechi bounces into his lab like he's in his own home. He feels it when Akechi whips up a bizarre new treat as if his lab was a kitchen and offers Kusuke a bite right out of his fingers. He feels it when Akechi stays the night, snoring away on the couch while Kusuke silently writes journal papers and grant proposals.

Akechi's gaze is kind enough to hurt.

Anyways from here I wrote a fic where they settle into a friends-with-benefits kind of relationship but because Kusuke is still a big weirdo no matter how much he's calmed down, the resulting fic is extremely unhinged.

(The full fic is rated E and easy to find, but mind the tags, it's truly the wildest thing I've posted so far lol)

But I figured some people might enjoy reading the premise so here it is <3 This lore was actually explained previously in an Aikechi mini-comic but I think most people missed the punchlines so hopefully this is a clearer version of Nopsi's Trans Enby Akechi Lore!

#akechi touma #saiki kusuke #kusuke saiki #saiki kuusuke #<-why he gotta have so many tags #tousuke #nopsi fic #fli(psi)deverse

[celestialmoonbreeze]

Hey there! 🌈 I'm reaching out into the vast universe of the internet in hopes of finding someone special. As a nonbinary individual, who leans more on the tomboy, masculine side of things, I've come to realize that my heart yearns for a connection with someone who embraces their femininity. My journey of self-discovery has been quite the adventure, especially in the realm of relationships. Having dated two guys in the past, I've learned a lot about what I don't want—namely, a lack of connection and the feeling of being controlled. Those experiences weren't easy, but they've taught me the importance of respect, love, and the art of truly cherishing someone.

I dream of meeting a girlfriend who I can spoil endlessly with love, attention, and respect. Someone who shares my passion for the little and big things in life. Are you a fan of Harry Potter, with a penchant for kpop, fantasy, and the thrill of traveling? Do horror films, witchy vibes, crystals, and tarot cards fascinate you? Do you find joy in shopping, appreciate art, love anime, and express yourself through drawing? If you do, then we might just be two pieces of the same puzzle.

I hope to find someone who values these interests as much as I do, but more importantly, someone who understands and respects my identity as a nonbinary person. I'm not looking for a polyamorous relationship—just a monogamous, loving partnership where we can grow together, learn from each other, and build a world of our own, filled with mutual respect and understanding.

If you're someone who dreams of a relationship where you're cherished for who you are, where your passions are celebrated, and your identity is respected, then I'd love to get to know you more. Let's embark on this magical journey together, exploring the realms of our interests, and creating unforgettable memories.

Looking forward to finding my special someone who's ready to share this adventure. 💖

#nonbinary #genderqueer #lgbtq #trans #lgbt #lgbtqia #genderfluid #lesbian #lgbt pride #lgbtq community #wlw post #wlw #women who like women #gay girls #girls who like girls #girls who love girls

[altik-0]

The space between "they" and "she"

Another year, another long gap between personal updates, lol.

Last report was:

🏳️‍⚧️

same name for now

they/them

^ subject to change

Current status report:

Still 🏳️‍⚧️

new name (not sharing publicly though, sorry)

she/they

^ still subject to change

But this is just the matter-of-fact, Reader's Digest version of things. There's a lot more weight behind this, and I'd like to talk about it.

There was a very long time where I described my gender as "anxiety." At first this was a joke -- "haha, yeah, my gender is <pick mental health problem from checklist>" -- but it quickly became clear that this was a very apt description of my reality. Nearly every waking moment I spent thinking about gender, and how it intersected with my lived experience. How did I feel? How DIDN'T I feel? Was it real, or was I faking it? Was I actually trans?

I went into therapy thinking that finding an answer to that final question was what I needed to do. I sort of understood that it was the wrong question -- nobody could tell me the answer to it other than myself, after all. But with how much doubt and worry filled my mind, it's hard to blame myself for feeling that I needed help figuring it out.

Over time, the work that ended up actually helping me was confronting the anxiety. Slowly dipping my toes into new things, and allowing myself to feel the stress of the new thing that felt overwhelming. Allow my circle of comfort to slowly stretch and expand until these new experiences were no longer terrifying, and I could explore them without the fear overwhelming any other feeling.

And that was hard work. Gender is a wide, all-encompassing thing. I quickly found that despite how considerate and progressive I considered myself, the reality was that I never truly confronted the realities of gender, even in a very basic way. It took time, there was really no way around it.

When I last came to this blog to share my truth, I was still mid-process. Truthfully, I still am. I'm not convinced that transition is something that ever truly ends. However, I am definitely farther along than I was, which makes it much easier to say out loud what I always really felt: I'm a trans woman, and I want people to know that.

I set my pronouns to "she/they" where the option is available, because I want to project my transness to others. I tell people I use either pronoun, and am pretty insistent that either is okay when they ask if I have a preference. "What's important is that I'm not a man," I will tell them.

In my heart, I have a preference. There's a flutter of recognition that genuinely makes me feel a little more me every time I hear a "she" come from people I'm speaking with. "They" does not bring this same joy. I'm not sure how I'll feel if someone actually takes me up on the "feel free to use whatever neopronouns for me if you feel they fit" offer, haha.

However, that preference doesn't reflect how I see myself. I have a friend who describes herself as "a trans woman, but not a woman" -- not because she does not consider trans women to be women, but because she specifically doesn't see herself as one. I deeply resonate with this idea. I've seen many trans women talk about how they wish they had been born a cis woman. I, on the other hand, feel fairly confident that had been AFAB, I would have ended up being trans masculine instead. Being transgender is a critical part of my identity, and I WANT it to be.

Still, I'm not finished growing, and still don't live as loudly open as I think I'd like. I'm in a comfortable spot where I can at least reasonably well pass right now, and in the white Utahn suburbs, there is a critical sense of safety that comes from that. I'm hoping to push myself a bit harder as time goes on, and knowing the spicy political fire burning in my heart, it will only be a matter of time.

#personal stuff #trans #transfem #nonbinary #gender is fuckin weird y'all

[syekick-powers]

im sleep deprived as hell right now but it isn’t painful yet i’m mostly just fuzzyheaded and kinda delirious but

like

i saw a hot trans man on my twitter timeline and god im just overcome by how fucking hot n sexy my fellow transmascs are. like god. we really out here saving masculinity and looking absolutely bangin hot while doing it. i love us. the amount of critically sexy trans men/transmasc people i have seen makes me so fucking happy. goddamn we are just the hottest motherfuckers on the planet.

#sye's babbles #at this point i basically consider myself fully t4t mlm #im a nonbinary trans man who wants to find and date other trans men/transmasc people #i have no time or space for cis nonsense but i want the hot sexy trans men in my life #i want to find joy in sharing my masculinity and experiences with someone who truly understands #fucking cis men grow up having their masculinity handed to them on a silver fucking platter #but us? we had to fucking work for it. we had to fucking sweat and labor for it. #we had to earn our fucking masculinity and live in a world where people still want to deny it to us #and im sick of this constant demonization of men in queer spaces as an nb trans guy #it only serves to alienate me from women even more when radfems spread their rhetoric about men being inherently evil #and that trans men are gender traitors or whatever #im a dude!! im a guy!! if you identify as a lesbian im not fucking dating you because im not a fucking woman!!! #'female-exclusive bisexual' chaser? you're a fucking chaser who cant reconcile your feelings for men with your bullshit rhetoric???? #I JUST WANT MORE HOT TRANS MEN IN MY LIFE SO WE CAN BE GAY AND TRANS TOGETHER #id say 'trans ppl really need their own dating site' but then i realize that something like that would probably be overrun with chasers #and i just want to fucking wring someone's neck #im not your fucking uwu soft boy bottom that you can fetishize #and im not your fucking butch lesbian gf either #im a nb dude who likes dudes. and thats the facts. #and i just want to start a forest enclave with a bunch of other trans men in the rocky mountains and fuckin hunt deer and fish and shit #build log cabins and get fucking ripped and kiss each others muscles #hgggh you'll have to forgive me i got literally no sleep last night and the sleep deprivation is making me a little bit kooky

[academicdisasterfic]

Letters in Transition, 22 March 2022

A collaborative correspondence between @ihopeyoubothstaysafefromharm and I, inspired by our encounters with fic as queer, trans boys. Letters, words and art exchanged at the start of an unrestrained life.

Previous entries can be found here.

In this letter I reference Hollow Places by @eyra.

Dear Joy,

Oh, the waiting. Hibernation; that period of anticipation, frustrating and peaceful in equal measure. It’s been the past nine months of my life, here on a quaint little island full of birds and koalas and retirees.

Winter has always been my favourite season, and perhaps there is part of me that wants to stay right where I am now, quiet and uncomplicated as it is. I have done really very little in my time here, and I feel like I’ve grown and multiplied exponentially; as you so eloquently put, dormancy is essential.

As I prepare to move—scraping together my money, looking at my clothes and books, my tarot cards and incense burners—I think about all the things I used to have, in a different life.

The apartment I shared with my ex was full to the brim, yet I only truly loved four things that I had to leave behind: a coffee table we found on the side of the road and repainted, the plants that I barely kept alive for the twelve months we lived there, a pair of clip-on sunglasses that were really useful for when I’m wearing my glasses, and my dog.

The last one still hurts, but I knew I was going to move overseas. I remember my ex looking around our tiny shared space and going really? You don’t want to take anything else?

But she loved everything there. Our small but practical SUV, the framed art prints, the IKEA furniture, the tall minimalist bookshelves. Everything in shades of white and grey. It was hers, I realised. She still lives there. It’s her place. She’s happy.

Before I left, I read something that made me ache so desperately that I read it out loud to her. It’s from Hollow Places.

He feels safe, and right, here in this hollow in the woods; he understands none of it and yet everything, everything about this makes such wonderful, blinding sense to him that he feels he might die if doesn't stay here, if he doesn't see more, learn more, know more, and he isn't sure if it's the woods that are taking him in, or Remus himself, or perhaps that quiet, innate instinct that pulled him through the forest to the cottage in the first place.

‘I want that,’ I said, barely holding back tears. ‘I want to find somewhere that makes me feel like that. I want to find home.’

She blinked at me, confused. ‘This is our home.’

That was very close to the end of our relationship.

I’ve figured out that the feeling Eyra writes so eloquently isn’t just the feeling of finding home; it’s the feeling of self-discovery. Once you discover who you are meant to be, it feels almost impossible not to chase that person.

My voice has started to change on testosterone; I’m finally beginning to like it now, after years of cringing whenever I opened my mouth. I find myself testing my tone out; this is me? I’m the person speaking? It’s not just the fantasy in my head? And beginning to settle into it: oh, this what I wanted in a home.

We forget our bodies are our homes, first and foremost, and I think it’s the reason behind that immense pain that floods me whenever J.K. Rowling posts another tweet, whenever I see headlines about another trans person dying, whenever someone calls me young lady and I want to scream.

It’s an attack on my home. This is all I have, the only important and permanent thing, and I’m not even allowed to decide what happens to it without doctors and psychologists calculating my dysphoria like it’s an equation: he experiences this amount of pain and therefore is allowed this amount of autonomy.

I never tell them that my actual gender floats somewhere nebulously around the masculine sphere, that I’m a boy but not just a boy, that I love not being able to pin it down because it feels expansive and joyous.

No, they tell us, that’s not what your home is meant to be. Try again.

I paid the deposit on a flat this morning; it comes with a desk and a chair and a bed and a mattress and two queer flatmates that like flowers and tattoos and musicals. It might not be a perfect home, but it’s a step towards one. And it’s born of this desire to chase some nebulous and probably unrealistic dream of feeling completely at home one day, so I'm moving across the world to have some chance of making that dream come true.

I’ll be moving in the springtime, exploring my new home amongst blossoming flowers and longer days and sunshine.

But my heart will still be with winter, anxious for that next period of respite; where I take the things I learnt while growing, and let myself settle into them.

All my love,

Rooney

#joy and rooney contra mundum

[amwritingmeta]

15x18: The Most Loving

I’ve indulged. All day, I’ve indulged in this episode. In all of it. But, yes, mostly this scene. I’ve made gifs. And watched this scene. Obsessively. What’s life? THIS is life right now. This is the air in my lungs and the joy in my chest and, oh, my loveliest lovelies, I know you’re right there with me. Gods!

Too bad Dean doesn’t love Cas back, huh?

KIDDING. 

Just kidding. He does. I believe it more strongly than ever. *fingers crossed and sprinklings of salt* But let’s have a look at why I believe it more strongly than ever, shall we? Yes we shall! (let’s see if I get through this without crying) (highly doubtful) (update: I didn’t)

Let’s start with Dean. He’s a very good place to start.

Look at how what Cas is about to say to Dean, all those beautiful soul-affirming things he’s about to share, is set up right there, in this moment, with Dean losing hope by the second, moving softly from anger into a despair that makes him see his anger clearly, just not the root of it.

The shining brightly detail here is that the frustration and the fear don’t make him defensive, which, to me, is important because the immediate naming of the anger, without hesitation, the awareness of it, the quiet acceptance of how he got them here, leading into that gentle “I’m sorry” is like his character progression this season just balled up into one glorious half-minute of character insight: his, and ours.

With the good -- that immediate apology -- comes the bad, though -- the thinking of himself as an arrow of killer instinct, lacking control of this thing inside him when it takes over and not knowing what to do about it or how to fight it.

This thing being?

His anger.

And what is it symptomatic of?

Well, I would say his Shadow. His unconscious. His repressed emotions. His inability to be honest with himself. Which leads to frustration with himself. A feeling of perpetual alarm. He can never just be himself, because he never feels as though he’s enough. 

And feelings are weaknesses that will get you killed.

And his mother died when he was so young and shook him out of any sense of stability, and he’s longed for home, love, family ever since, but every time he’s dared dream or dared believe or even hope, something has happened to take good things away, because good things don’t last.

Not in Dean’s experience.

So the happiness of home, love, family has always been equated with pain. With hurt. With loss. So it was easier not to think an actual future was in the cards for him. Easier to push it down and begin to believe that he can’t possibly be loved for who he is, because what he is, is a killer.

What he is, deep down, is a monster.

His true identity has been covered up by toxic masculinity armour and he’s lost all sense of his true self, out of fear of rejection he has continuously rejected himself and out of fear of failure, failing to Protect Sammy -- a purpose so tightly bound to Dean’s sense of identity that anything threatening it has instantly been perceived as a threat to Dean’s entire understanding of himself -- Dean has bought into the lie that feelings are weaknesses and that, to survive, he had to walk in his father’s exact footsteps.

And of course it hasn’t helped that John’s revenge trip stemmed entirely from losing the love of his life. Luckily, Dean has seen his parents reunited. Luckily, Dean knows they’re now together, happily so, in their shared Heaven. If he can internalise this knowledge and accept it as a good thing, then there’s a basis for healing right there.

Leaving that behind because now here we are, with Dean verbalising his view of himself (hopefully for the last time) which has kept him perpetually in a pattern of behaviour that has been, at its root, self-destructive because of his lack of ability to love himself and see himself worthy of being loved.

Cas doesn’t go all “Dean” on Dean for no reason. 

He goes all Dean on Dean because he knows better than to agree when Dean claims all he knows how to do is hunt and kill and be guided by fury and the vengeance mode that his father’s image has left like an imprint all over Dean’s personality. 

And Cas is about to tell us how much better that better truly is.

*i’m cry*

The beginning of the better is linked to Dean’s instant apology, his instant admittance that he was wrong, brought by him recognising his mistake, realising he let his anger lead him once again. 

(just like he did when he shut Cas out and made Cas feel he had no choice but to leave the bunker and strike out on his own) (because Dean refused to apologise for behaving like a stubborn dickhead yeah?)

And this instant apology is... well. It’s Jensen Ackles style beautiful. Because->

->the apology starts here, with this absolutely devastated look at Cas, as though Dean thinks Cas doesn’t want to be here, with him -- he wants to be with Sam and with Jack -- and Dean is keeping him from seeing out their final hours with his entire family. And so->

But the apology, sincere and selfless and wishing there was some way out of this situation because Dean would save Cas from this fate in an instant if he could, triggers Cas’ realisation that there’s something he can do to save Dean.

Because?

Well, I would hope it’s because the narrative is rewarding Dean for learning the lesson of having so much self-awareness that it doesn’t take him ten and some episodes to land in an apology. It takes him less than five minutes into this scenario to admit that his choices were the wrong ones. To Cas, but more importantly to himself.

So then, reward time, and Cas’ brain starts working overtime as he remembers who Death is afraid of, what might be powerful enough to conquer Death itself.

It would be... everything if this moment is actually about how the defeat of Death has nothing to do with showcasing the power of the Shadow, but of what Cas’ honesty and open heart leads to: his moment of integration. 

Finding internal balance, as he’s no longer suppressing or repressing anything inside of him, but can face all of his emotions head on. No more self-deception and no more confusion. Only clarity.

And if this moment, in the broader sense, is about what brought that moment of integration on: Cas’ love for Dean.

Meaning the one thing powerful enough to conquer Death itself, really, is love.

Wouldn’t that be something? Isn’t that what has conquered Death over and over again in this narrative? Yes. It truly is. To have it stated unequivocally would be spectacular.

Now, I would look at both of them in this post, only, it’s already a long post, so let’s focus on Dean, because though I could talk for eons about what this means for Cas’ arc and it culminating in such a glorious act of self-actualisation, I believe what it means for Dean may play an even bigger role moving forward. *fingers crossed*

Cas reaches the realisation of how he can use the Empty for the purpose of defeating Death, yeah, and Cas reveals this realisation to Dean by finally laying all the cards on the table.

Cas: When Jack was dying, I made a deal to save him. Dean: You what? Cas: The price was my life.

And at Cas telling Dean that this deal, that Cas has kept from him, means Cas has bargained away his life, Dean’s face does this-->

Look... at how... his eyes... widen... with the sheer... shock and terror of that statement and then... there’s that soft... or so I see it... understanding that Cas once again has done that thing he does: he’s put himself on the chopping block. As if he doesn’t matter. (remind us of someone?)

So the first bit of information is that Cas has given his life for Jack’s and that he is, basically, a dead man (angel) walking.

Right. Shock and terror.

Then Cas delivers this gut-punch:

Cas: When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned and it would take me, forever.

And Dean’s face does this->

It’s like his brain is start-stuttering... true happiness?... the Empty?... summoned?... taken forever??... And then he’s like, wait what? What does this have to do with anything?

And he challenges this strange pick of a moment to share all these things by asking:

How exactly is this relevant in this moment in time, Cas? I don’t understand.

Because he really doesn’t. He does not have a clue for the entirety of this exchange, even with Cas stating that the one thing Death fears, the one thing strong enough to defeat her is the Empty, and they know the Empty can only come when summoned. They’ve talked about it, not that long ago, and still, Dean’s brain is not putting two and two together.

Because he would never, not for one second, ever equate Cas’ true happiness as having anything to do with him. Not ever.

All he can think is... well, wouldn’t all he can think be that he was about to get them both killed, and now Cas is telling him this other way he’ll die, so even if they did make it out of there alive, Cas is... what? As good as dead? No matter what? There’s this premeditated way that Cas has set up for him to die that Cas hasn’t told him about. Cas dead in all the scenarios presented to him right now is all Dean can focus on.

And so Cas begins to explain himself.

Cas: I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what my true happiness could even look like. 

And Dean looks like this. 

To me, because Dean’s deepest fear is happiness.

And because his brain is trying to make sense of what is happening, but it looks like there’s white noise going on, like all he can think is What Is This What Are You Trying To Tell Me I Do Not Understand Cas Something About Happiness Why Are You Talking To Me About Happiness I Can’t Help You!

And then Cas takes it a step further, and tells Dean this:

Cas: I never found an answer, because the one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have.

And Dean is like... what is it??

And of course, Cas obliges, because there’s no turning back. Oh, Cas. 

Cas: But I think I know… I think I know now, happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in just being. It’s in just saying it. 

And Dean is getting softly defensive, worried at this point that this is headed somewhere wholly new and unexplored and the expression on Cas’ face is starting to get to him, those eyes already shining with tears and the earnestness all over him, and Dean doesn’t want to not listen to him, but he also doesn’t like the not understanding what the hell is going on, so->

And Cas isn’t about to slow down.

Cas: I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you...

And this is barking exactly the way Dean was afraid of: honesty. So much honesty. And Dean is taking it in like he’s still wondering what exactly this is. Is this Cas’ idea of a deathbed confession, because Dean’s not sure he wants to hear this... but...

Cas: ...you’re destructive and you’re angry and you’re broken—you’re daddy’s blunt instrument. 

At the mention of John, Dean starts to reign himself in. He’s starting to shed the confusion for the understanding that Cas is about to speak a whole lot of truth and he’s just gonna have to hear it. So he begins steeling himself. Hence the first hard swallow.

Cas: And you think that hate and anger, that’s… that’s what drives you, that’s who you are… It’s not.

I like to read this as the words “It’s not” being the last thing Dean ever expected to hear. He looks so completely taken aback. He was, because it’s his modus operandi, most likely expecting judgement at this moment (because he fucked up and brought them here) and rejection, because he always expects it and always thinks he deserves it.

And instead, he gets what he needs most. He gets told to see himself through Cas’ eyes. Because (hopefully) it’s the only way Dean can finally recognise his true identity and stop hiding from it as if it’s an abomination.

Cas: And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done—the good and the bad—you have done for love. 

And Dean reacts the same way he reacted when Cas told him that the price to save Jack had been Cas’ life: look at the slight widening of the eyes, look at the furrowed brow -> shock and terror.

Because love?

Cas: You raised your little brother for love, you fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are. 

And Dean lets the words sink in somewhat, but still... this is not how he sees himself, this is not his understanding of himself, of who he is. It’s so far from it, but this is Cas saying these things and wait...

...this is how Cas sees him?

Cas isn’t done, of course.

Cas: You’re the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know. 

And Dean is about to start crying too, but he keeps the emotion back. Look at those clenched jaws, the hard swallow, the set expression. Determined not to just lose it. 

But he’s close. Nostrils flaring, lips trembling, he’s fighting back the tears like, no, I will not bawl my eyes out.

Cas: You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell, knowing you has changed me. 

And Dean just...

This very nearly breaks the dam. He’s just swallowing down those tears like there’s no tomorrow. He refuses to cry, even now, even when his body is like Give Me An Outlet For All These Feelings. 

But naw.

Stoic stoic stoic.

Cas: Because you cared—I cared. I cared about you… I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack… but I cared about the whole world because of you.

And Dean begins to have this ice-cold feeling run through him... that Cas is saying all these things for a reason...

And all Dean can do is listen...

Cas: You changed me, Dean.

And he looks so defeated. Because he can’t even imagine having to say goodbye. And there was that other moment of dickheadery, not that long ago, when Cas left him that still smarts. 

One where Cas said some truths before walking out the door of the bunker, and Dean thought he’d fixed it with that prayer, but this feels reminiscent. It feels like Cas is gearing up to push even harder than he already has, and like Cas thinks Dean’s response will warrant him leaving.

And Cas confirms this is not the beginning, but the end.

Cas: Because it is. 

Oh. Oh no. No, you don’t. 

But Cas does. He really does.

Don’t put me in this corner.

But that’s not even close to what’s actually happening, is it?

Dean has completely forgotten how this conversation started. He’s forgotten about Death at their door, he’s forgotten about the mention of the Empty, because all he can think about is how Cas sees him as a selfless, loving human being, who has changed him for the better. 

And he comes across as though all he can think is that this is too much.

And Cas mirrors his head shake...

...because all I can see here is how Cas wants Dean to take it in now. The truth of it. He wants Dean to hear him. To know that he’s loved and deserving of it, not deny it or refuse it.

And Dean, for just the breath of a second, thinks don’t, Cas. Don’t make me question my entire self-view. Because I will.

Because though he cannot deal, he can’t lose Cas again either, as this episode has gone to great lengths to tell us. (like how he stepped between Cas and Billie plus all the loss of one half of couples that’s threaded through the ep)

And then all thoughts are interrupted. The Empty arrives. Moment of true happiness style. It has been said, and Cas is... well.

And the door opens as Billie breaks through.

And Dean turns to Cas and his face is wearing this expression->

As he says “Cas?” because he still don’t understand why this is goodbye. He doesn’t get that it’s goodbye because it has to be. Because Cas is about to sacrifice himself to save him...

And then we get this expression as Dean responds with that stunned 

“What?”->

Because he wouldn’t have pushed Cas away for saying I love you. Sure he was internally having a mild fit, and he’d need a moment or two to gather his thoughts, and perhaps he’d have to say no, you don’t a few times, and have Cas say yes, I do, back in order to really convince him, but that goodbye... 

That was supposed to happen only if Dean didn’t get his shit together.

And Dean would have gotten his shit together. He just needed a bit more time.

So for Cas to go ahead with the goodbye, even as Dean sees the Empty entering through that wall, is nonsensical. Hence the “What?”. 

What do you mean I love you goodbye? 

And then...

Oh that handprint.

Please let it be a symbol for putting the past to rest and moving forward into a healthy now, with hope for the future. Oh, Cas, please come back. And Dean, please instigate the return. You are loved because you deserve it. And you deserve good things and to be happy. Both of them do. Gods, I hope they get to be happy together.

*please please please please*

#spn 15x18 #spn meta #time for bed so this is not edited one bit #pardon me #deancas #destiel #i love you #goodbye #the greatest love story ever told #*fingers crossed* #:)

[janeeyblossom]

We Should All Be Feminist

Chimamanda Adichie is a Nigerian writer who wrote We Should All Be Feminist on 2014. We Should All Be Feminist is a book-length essay that tackles about feminism and gender discrimination. Below are some issues where gender inequalities manifest and are accompanied by realities and situations that happened and are still happening here in the Philippines.

“And a guard at the entrance stopped me and asked me annoying questions, because their automatic assumption is that a Nigerian female walking into a hotel alone is a sex worker. And by the way, why do these hotels focus on the ostensible supply rather than the demand for sex workers? In Lagos I cannot go alone into many “reputable” bars and clubs. They just don’t let you in if you’re a woman alone, you have to be accompanied by a man. Each time I walk into a Nigerian restaurant with a man, the waiter greets the man and ignores me. Each time they ignore me, I feel invisible. I feel upset. I want to tell them that I am just as human as the man, that I’m just as worthy of acknowledgment. These are little things, but sometimes it’s the little things that sting the most. ” I personally haven’t experienced that exact type of neglect for the reason that I’m a woman, and I haven’t witnessed that kind of situation since I’m still financially dependent so I haven’t been in a hotel or a restaurant alone, but those situations causes my mind to play some similar scenes that keeps happening here. I don’t know if it’s the judgmental minds of the people that are speaking about this matter but I think it’s actually part of sexism. Girls receive pathetic and awkward stares whenever they are walking, shopping, or even sitting in the park alone but boys don’t. It is unfair that when you want to have some time alone and just stroll on the beach, you can’t. You have to find a company or you have to be brave enough to take stares and sometimes even gossip.

“And this is how we start: we must raise our daughters differently. We must also raise our sons differently. We do a great disservice to boys on how we raise them; we stifle the humanity of boys. We define masculinity in a very narrow way, masculinity becomes this hard, small cage and we put boys inside the cage. We teach boys to be afraid of fear. We teach boys to be afraid of weakness, of vulnerability. We teach them to mask their true selves, because they have to be, in Nigerian speak, “hard man! What if both boys and girls were raised not to link masculinity with money? What if the attitude was not “ the boy has to pay” but rather “ whoever has more should pay?”

Everything Adichie said in this part is undeniably true and sadly, it’s still very prevalent today. Inequality is happening everywhere without anyone actually noticing it because they think it’s normal. Men would normally be told to pay may it be on romantic dates or family dates. In my family for example, my Mother always asks Father who has just arrived from work what we will eat or what he plans to buy as if he is just the person who is responsible for spending money for us. It is so unjust since she is the one who has the bigger salary yet she’s always demanding my Father to pay. They sometimes split the payment but mostly it’s the man who’s expected to pay. My family is just one of the families who does that and I don’t know if it will change since Filipino elders do not know how to listen to the youth.

“Because I’m female, I’m expected to aspire to marriage; I’m expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. A marriage can be a good thing; it can be a source of joy and love and mutual support. But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same? I know young women who are under pressure from family, from friends, even from work to get married, and they’re pushed to make terrible choices. A woman at a certain age who is unmarried, our society teaches her to see it as a deep, personal failure. And a man at a certain age who is unmarried, we just think he hasn’t come around to make his pick.” This part is the most relatable part in the essay since Filipino women are expected not just by their families but also by the whole community to marry at the right age. Men on the other hand are pressured by some people but most of them just let it go. My female cousin for example is twenty years old and she has been pressured since she graduated to find a boyfriend. The first question people would ask her whenever there is a gathering is --”You don’t have a boyfriend? Why?” and then give a compliment which doesn’t sound like one. “ You are so pretty! You should get a boyfriend soon or else you will become an old maiden or “dalagang gulang” as they call it. It is extremely devastating watching the frustration in her face when she shares to us how she feels about all that. Even her parents pressure her which makes it irritating because they know their own child. Our cousin says in a powerful tone to us-- her cousins-- “I am happy! I am single but I’m happy. I don’t need a man to satisfy my needs and wants. I have a job and I am not in a hurry because I know He has a plan for me”, I just sat there staring at her sadly, wishing she could tell that to her parents.

“If we have sons, we don’t mind knowing about our son’s girlfriends. But our daughters’ boyfriends? God forbid. But of course when the time is right, we expect those girls to bring back the perfect man to be their husbands. We police girls, we praise girls for virginity, but we don’t praise boys for virginity. We teach girls shame. “Close your legs.” “Cover yourself.” We make them feel as though by being born female they’re already guilty of something. And so, girls grow up to be women who cannot say what they truly think, and they grow up-- and this is the worst thing we did to girls-- they grow up to be women who have turned pretense into an art form.” As a girl who is raised in a very conservative environment, I can relate to this part big time. And I know I’m not alone. I think every girl in the Philippines can relate to this-- except to those who have not-so-strict parents or those who are stubborn. We are forbidden to be or to get too close to guys because we might be judged by society as a slut or somewhat similar to that. We were raised to behave and act properly when we’re around guys. Even when we're just around our guy friends or classmates, we can’t act normal (maybe not all girls do the same, but I do). I act like I’m allergic to them because that’s what has been taught to me since I was young. I am also told to be single until I graduate. It’s not just I, also every girl in my family and all my friends (who are all girls) experience the same. We are not allowed to have a boyfriend until we graduate, yet when we have a job and decide that we don’t need men, they pressure us to get married soon. It is so unjust and heartbreaking how people prohibit and control girls and let boys do what they want. Boys can go out even at night, boys can have girlfriends without getting told that they won’t have any house to get back to, and they aren’t the ones being gossiped in the whole campus and community when they lose their virginity.

“I know a woman who hates domestic work, she just hates it, but she pretends that she likes it, because she’s been taught that to be “good wife material” she has to be -- to use that Nigerian word-- very “ homely”. Today women in general are more likely to do the housework than men, the cooking and cleaning. What if in raising children we focus on ability instead of gender? What if in raising children we focus on interest instead of gender?” This issue is ubiquitous in the Philippines; female teenagers are trained and told to practice doing all the household chores so that their future husband won’t neglect and replace them with someone else. It is told to them as if it is their duty to serve men when they become women. It is disappointing how parents tell their kids to do all that when they know it didn’t serve them good and they know deep down, it’s unfair. Fortunately, some parents nowadays (here in the Philippines) as I’ve noticed are raising their kids, both girls and boys to do the chores regardless if some people think it’s a girl’s job.

#feminist #chimamanda ngozi adichie

[moons-and-stars-and-shit]

Heyy~ i was passing by and saw ur event and seemed pretty cool so i wanted to participate! If it's okay i would like a star match up! I'm sagittarius, virgo rising, capricorn sun and piscis moon, and my self ship is miya osamu <3 ^^ thank youuu and congrats for 300! ( I already made sure to follow you hehe)

@gchanfullsun

𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕣 𝕄𝕒𝕥𝕔𝕙𝕦𝕡 𝕎𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝕆𝕤𝕒𝕞𝕦

𝑃𝑙𝑎𝑛𝑒𝑡𝑠 🪐

Libra is ruled by Venus (Love) and Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter (Luck and Philosophy).

Venus’s femininity and Jupiter’s masculinity make these Signs compatible and balanced.

Sagittarius is constantly on a quest for knowledge of the big things — the truth, the meaning of life and death — and whenever Libra comes up with a new idea (as they are wont to do) Sagittarius is eager to go along with their partner and become familiar with this new concept.

𝐸𝑙𝑒𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑠 🔥💧🍃🌬

Libra is an Air Sign and Sagittarius is a Fire Sign.

This partnership is full of kinetic energy.

As air spreads fire and makes it grow exponentially, this relationship is heated and ardorous.

Sagittarius thinks they’re steering the rudder, but Libra controls the flow of events with a quieter hand.

These two are energetic in the extreme and can run together far and wide.

The relationship runs most smoothly when Sagittarius can feel they have plenty of freedom and independence within the relationship.

𝑇𝑟𝑢𝑠𝑡 🤞

the challenge of trust is one of the most important experiences that this relationship gives.

They can both go to extremes, either having unrealistic faith in each other or mistrusting every word and every action that is made.

The only way to keep the image of trust for these signs seems to be to always stay in a fairy tale, unrealistic state, and this is something a Sagittarius will never want to do.

If truth isn’t lived, nothing in the world is beautiful for a Sagittarian Sun.

As soon as they start their search for something different, Libra will sense the change and become frustrated by their inability to create oneness with a partner they love.

𝐶𝑜𝑚𝑚𝑢𝑛𝑖𝑐𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 🤝

It is wonderful to watch how soft Libra gets, forgetting about Saturn and their own responsibility, as Sagittarius’ childish nature melts their heart.

Even if this isn’t something with a promising future, for no one can run from their true nature, it will bring them both joy and happiness at least for a little while.

Libra partner will be able to relax next to someone who doesn’t judge, and Sagittarius partner will feel like their energy is well focused on someone that needs some youth, warmth, light, optimism and creativity in their life.

For as long as they don’t brush on ego problems, their communication and intellectual compatibility are a given.

The main problem that will eventually surface and need to be dealt with, is in the forces of their Suns. Libra’s Sun is weak, and they will easily give the wheel to someone else who will make positive decisions and moves for them.

Sagittarius has too much fiery energy in their Sun, active, taking action and always prepared to give some of it even if nobody asked for it in the first place.

This could lead to a subtle, hidden, will imposing and a character shift that will leave them both bruised for respect when a light is finally shed on the issue.

𝐸𝑚𝑜𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑠 😠😔😊

This is one of the most compatible couples when it comes to the emotional side of their relationship.

It is not easy for any one of them to find love and share it with someone.

They are, after all, an Air and a Fire sign.

Even though Libra is ruled by Venus, it is linked to the mental processes, social adaptation and communication through its element, while Sagittarius has passionate feelings, but uses their head, spreading their philosophy, more than actually feeling.

When they get together, they seem to be able to find a balance in which both of them use their heads just enough, and give each other enough room for love to be born.

This is a bond that gives both partners the opportunity to understand how deep their emotions can go, as beneficent rulers make way for feelings to surface in a supporting atmosphere.

Even though their relationship is not always meant to be the one they will stay in for life, it could prepare them for a love they seek, giving them a glimpse of what they are capable of.

𝑉𝑎𝑙𝑢𝑒𝑠 🤲

These partners will value the strength of mind in a way that is understandable only to them.

Libra doesn’t seem like a creative person to others, but a Sagittarius sees their intellect through communication and motivates them to show their warmth.

This leads to shared value of their entire relationship and an intellectual understanding that gives them room to build their shared philosophy.

Even if they don’t start their relationship in the same place, they will have the opportunity to build similar values in time, showing each other what’s truly important.

𝑆ℎ𝑎𝑟𝑒𝑑 𝐴𝑐𝑡𝑖𝑣𝑖𝑡𝑦𝑠 💪

Even though we could easily assume that a Libra and a Sagittarius will have lots of things to do together, there is a great chance that their choices of activities won’t be so similar.

Libra wants to stick to their usual routine, and make field trips to things that interest them from time to time.

Sagittarius wants to move from any routine and live a life travelling the world.

There are exceptions to this rule, of course, and there are uplifted Libras that will want to travel the world, as much as there are Sagittarius representatives that want to follow a certain trail, while fantasizing about their reality.

However, in most cases, their needs won’t fit that well and they will probably face the challenge of their usual ego battle while choosing what to do together.

𝑆𝑢𝑚𝑚𝑎𝑟𝑦 💕

The relationship of Libra and Sagittarius is in most cases a beneficent bond that allows these partners to develop their emotional, inner worlds and build their lives without negative influences.

However, there is an archetypal battle between them, for Saturn exalts in Libra and doesn’t really care for his son, Jupiter, the ruler of Sagittarius.

This could easily lead to a struggle for supremacy and a battle to reach the ruling position among them.

This comes as a continuation of Libra’s bruised Sun and a Sagittarius will fit in perfectly with the need to give away every sense of pride out of some childish convictions.

The only way for them to be happy together, is to respect each other fully and let each other do what they are meant to do.

Libra should stick to their relationship and love, ruled by Venus, while Sagittarius should stick to their convictions and width, ruled by Jupiter, multiplying the love Libra provides.

#haikyuu!! #haikyuu fandom #haikyuu hcs #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu matchups #osamu #osamu miya #300followerevent

[acim]

Burden, Labels, and Throwing the Towel In

I can vividly remember the exact moment that I tried to kill myself. I stood in my room at my dresser, with a bottle of pills, alone, crying, inconsolable. I had switched out the pills in a vitamin bottle with Tylenol PM, I didn’t want my mom to find out what I had done. As if she wouldn’t notice her dead son. But I didn’t think of that, I just wanted to waste away alone, never to be a burden again. And so I swallowed all of the pills in 6 mouthfuls, each one more painful than the next. I past out shortly after. I remember waking up on the bathroom floor, covered in vomit, my mother banging on the door, before I slipped away again. I finally woke up in a hospital bed and was transferred to a psych ward shortly thereafter.

Unsurprisingly, this was a difficult experience, but also a transformational one. I would not be who I am today if not for this dark moment. It was sobering. In the hospital, I saw stranger-peers in some of the greatest emotional pain I had ever seen; I heard stories that emptied me and made me feel absolutely hollow. I realized that although I have had a tough childhood, many - even those in my family - have had it much worse. This brought myself into a new perspective that has allowed me to forgive those that had failed me in my time of need, as I know they did so not out of spite, but out of inability or ignorance.

While in the hospital, I wanted nothing more than to comfort each of these people physically, through a hug, a handshake, a hand on the shoulder, something small but significant. But we were not allowed to connect physically unfortunately, out of the ward’s fear of bodily harm. So instead, we connected emotionally through our unity in labels, we were the mentally ill.

Specifically, I was “generally anxious” whatever that vague label means. I’ve never been comfortable with that label, and have always felt it as something I had to hide. I thought people would hate me or reject me if they knew that I was “weak”. And I’ve tried to unpack that and get down to the root cause of it, whether that be masculinity, shame, or saving face; I’m unsure. However, I do know that it partially comes down to never wanting to be a burden to anybody. Which is a very common worry of most people, but it’s such a weird thing to worry about when you really think about it. I love people “burdening” me in ways that I’d worry about. I love people venting to me and sharing with me things that they hold sensitively. But yet we all still worry about it.

“I should ask them to hang out, but I know they’re busy”

“I already texted him, I can’t double text him”

“I probably am boring to him”

And maybe partially this stems from the innate fear of rejection, especially by people we hold near and dear. We can never truly get away from that fear or rejection until we are truly connected with each other, as we cannot know what we are separate from. However, we can take action to try and get over this barrier; because in reality, by being a “burden” we are unburdening each other. We are helping them through bringing them closer to ourselves, and they are helping us by bring ourselves closer to them.

And that is a Miracle.

So be bold, be a burden.

Although my previous label of Generalized Anxiety brought negative emotions, my new label of ADHD has brought untold unity and connection. This is not only because of the physical effects of the medication, which allow me to obtain the clarity and motivation to think this deeply and write, but also because of the unity I find in the label. I find comfort that other people have felt this way before, that I am not insane, I am not alone. No one wants to feel alone and separate, wholly loveless. But yet we often push ourselves away from others through seeking ways to diminish this absence of love. We are self-sabotaging. One of my favorite quotes in the Course is about this:

“Yet the ego, though encouraging the search for love very actively, makes one proviso; do not find it. Its dictate, then, can be summed up simply as: “Seek and do not find.””

There is so much to unpack here between the futility of actively looking for Love -- when you can only receive what you give out -- to the temptation that seeking has over finding -- that’s the fun part we love to do after all; the grass is always greener on the other side. But, I want to focus in on how this quote relates to labels for me.

Labels, while they cannot create unity within a group, tend to also create disparity outside of a group. Although at our very core, we are all the same, we do have significant differences in our behaviors, actions, and thoughts. To find like-minded people is pure joy; it is like a breath of fresh air when you can talk to someone and really feel understood. And labels help us quickly see where those people may be, they help us Seek.

“Democrat” “Conservative” “Gay” “Christian” “SJW”

And this is not a bad thing at all, this gives us a quick way to bring each other closer, and that is never a bad thing. However, a fine balance, as always, is needed. Trekking too far into a label can create this “us vs. them” mentality. This happens particularly awfully when we start to identify more with the concept of the group than with the group itself, and this is where we give in to the ego and lose the ability to Find. We then begin to be closed-minded and the people and ideas that oppose your concepts are now hurtful because they also oppose you, as you have separated yourself and become the concept. You cannot be both the concept and the group, for one is self-centered while the other is selfless-centered. If, rather, you can identify as the group, then you can more easily accept conceptual dissonances and grow from that acceptance. You are then less likely to Attack and Judge others based on your ideology because you do not feel the need to guard it so vehemently, as it is not yourself.

So always remember that when you are connecting with people, you are not connecting with their ideas, but with them.

One specific label that has brought me a lot of agita over the past week or so is teacher. I think this is partially self-inflicted from me thinking I’m different than everyone else; and I’m trying to get into right-minded think in that regard, but uhh… we not there yet. At the same time, it is intrinsically true that I am not the concept of a teacher, although that doesn’t mean that I am not like teachers. Meaning, while the description of character and passions/desires of a teacher may not follow my own - I do not have passion for youth, or for creating great lessons, or for education in general - I am like my coworkers in that I do care for my students greatly. I can do this as a job temporarily, but I can not make it long-term. It is both a disservice to my students who deserve someone that can and will provide for their needs (especially for my students that have extreme needs that I cannot even begin to provide, as I am not whole). It is also a disservice to me for not following the path I have been set on, and for not prioritizing my mental health, which has struggled as a result of teaching the past few months.

I forced this new decision to become a teacher so hard. I knew this job was not for me, but I squashed that thought, I did not listen to Myself or God, both of which tried in vain to guide me. I also went into it for the wrong reasons: a desire to move on and not truly live in the present (Seek but do not find), a desire for a better schedule, a desire to be someone I’m not - I can lose myself in others that are close to me like I said - a desire for a “better” job. I will get on the right path again by leaving education quickly and going back into the medical field in some way. What way, I am unsure of yet. I am confident though that this is the correct step back onto my path.

This is a recurring theme for myself and many others as well: we force ourselves into who we think we are or who we want to be rather than allowing ourselves to be who we truly are. And that’s such a tricky problem to tackle, it’s so big and nebulous. But I think the best way to do this is to let go of the past - this frees us from who we think we are - and the future - this frees us from who we want to be - and focus on the present - this sets us up to be who we truly are. This is not to say that we should barrel forward like a bull through a china shop, never looking back or forward. But instead, we should be observant of our past actions, and try to understand the cause that underlies our non-harmonious actions through reflection. And that reflection is the keypiece that brings the past into the present and makes it so fundamentally different than the past.

#tw suicide #burden #labels #a course in miracles #ego

[yestantra]

Royal Weddings, Tantric Sex, And The Power of Love

Did you watch the wedding of the year? England’s Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex married American actress Meghan Markle in a historic ceremony, and the Royal Wedding included a sermon on love.

The lesson given on love was about more than the marriage of Harry and Meghan.  Bishop Michael Curry’s message, called “The Power of Love,” referenced Martin Luther King Jr. King regularly shared how much his work was rooted in the concept of “love.”

Curry, the presiding bishop of the Episcopal Church said: "There’s power in love. Don’t underestimate it. Don’t even over-sentimentalize it. There’s power, power in love. If you don’t believe me, think about a time when you first fell in love. The whole world seemed to center around you and your beloved. There’s power, power in love. Not just in its idealized form but any form, any shape of love. There’s a certain sense in which when you are loved, and you know it when someone cares for you, and you know it when you love, and you show it, it actually feels right. There’s something right about it."

My passion is to create more love. That was heard around the world via the message of the Royal Wedding. It felt amazing. The words were so beautiful, and the message is a huge part of why I teach Tantra. Tantra is a tool that allows you to tap into the power of self-love and then share that love with the world. When we live from our hearts and not our fears, we live a happier life and step into our passions and purpose. People want to learn to be better lovers. But a HUGE part of that is stepping into your power of self-love. Which is why I created the "Daily Dozen." The "Daily Dozen" is an email delivered multi-media course that guides you on your journey to self-love. You will have lifetime access to this course and can learn more about it here. Imagine being pursued by a passionate lover, every day, for the rest of your life. Someone who pursues your mind, body, and soul. Someone who recognizes and upholds your boundaries. A person who encourages your confidence, dreams, and pleasure. A lover who chases after your heart. THAT LOVER IS YOU. Most of us grew up reading fairy tales and waiting for Prince Charming to bring us our happily ever after. These stories served neither boys or girls. Our traditional stories put pressure on the masculine to be the hero and portrayed the feminine as the damsel in distress. We grow up to act tough, suppress our emotions, and deal with it. We spend time, energy, money and more looking for a romantic partner to meet our needs and fulfill our dreams. So many times we wait around to feel loved. We count on… Friends and family… Romantic partners… Material things and appearances… Money and titles… (A Hallmark holiday?!)

to provide the nourishment our soul needs. And we always end up feeling empty. It’s time to be our own hero. Here’s the secret: you don’t have to be saved by a stranger. Love is already within you. Love should be experienced daily and not just on holidays. Self-love allows us to experience love every day. Once we realize this and tap into the ocean of love we already have, we can be filled with love, radiate love and attract more love into our lives.

How does it work? Like attracts like. This is the law of the Universe.

We think about a long lost friend, and suddenly they call. We long for a night of dancing, and the invite appears. We have a bad day, but then a single moment brings us overwhelming joy and release. What we think, feel, and desire can flow from us and into being. So we must be the thing that we want to bring into our lives — love, joy, pleasure, comfort.

So why is it so hard?

Society says we need to become consumers and spend money on possessions to make ourselves attractive to others. People spend money on cars, clothes, jewelry and more. By striving to “buy” affection, we focus on the “outer” and neglect the “inner.” It is our inner world that truly defines us, and once we love and accept ourselves, we are more loving and accepting of others.

By first learning to have a loving/healthy relationship with our inner self, we can share that love with those around us.

When we feel we are lacking things in life we can find ourselves experiencing envy and jealousy and other negative emotions. When we feel empty, and lack self-love, we expect people outside of ourselves to fill this void. This places unrealistic expectations on those relationships and when they “fail” to make us feel loved...we become angry and lash out.

This sabotages our relationships.

Why? Because...

Everything comes through you, not to you.

Self-love is the act of seducing your own soul.

Self-love is your first true love. Like a cup, your love cannot overflow to others if your heart isn’t full first.

You cannot receive what you deny yourself.

Self-Love is the basis for ALL love, and that self-love must be given first. Otherwise, we experience emotions of envy, jealousy and hate....because we project outward our dissatisfaction of ourselves and our inability to feel/experience self-love and consequently...love of others.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. also said "and there’s a reason for it. The reason has to do with the source. We were made by a power of love. And our lives were meant and are meant to be lived in that love. That’s why we are here."

I created the "Daily Dozen" to empower you to love harder and live your life from a place of love and not fear. The world needs more love and most of all, you need and deserve YOUR love.

xo, Dominique

[benrussack-blog]

Kidnapped by Cupid, How Romantic Love Takes Over Our Lives

The last thing you actually heard was a scratchy, excited message in your voicemail about a great first date, followed a few days later by a text in all caps and smothered in exclamation points.  After a week, there were only rumors of a third and forth date. And then, silence.

You called. You texted. You accessed social networks. But to no avail.

Your friend has fallen victim to romantic love, swept up by that proverbial white horse into an even more proverbial sunset. You want answers, no doubt, and demand to know why your friend will not be returned. You would also like to know what it is, exactly, about romantic love that would possesses anyone to abandon their closest companions and focus so blindly, so hopelessly and so completely onto one person.

Well, let’s get into it.

The first thing you need to know is that your friend has constructed the perfect psychological mate. Wrought over a lifetime this flawless manikin shimmers with an ethereal, otherworldly translucence. If your friend is male, this visage is likely female, a woman who fits all of his specifications—weight, shape, height, hair and eye color. Better yet, she knows exactly when to leave the room, bring him a beer or allow him time to cry on her shoulder.  She may even follow the NHL and participate, under no duress, in fantasy football. If your friend is female, her Adonis may resemble the Hollywood flavor of the month, but more importantly he listens, is receptive to her feelings, freely and easily expresses his own and remains continuously, fully and breathtakingly emotionally available.

So how does this apply to your friend’s situation? In a word: projection. Like looking through a lens, the glass manikin stands between us and our enamored, distorting their image. To complicate matters, there are aspects of our effigy of which we may not be aware—nearly invisible fabric festooned from its stiff, outstretched arms and tilted neck. This man may want a woman who moves and speaks like his mother. Here is a woman who unconsciously scores her potential mate by comparing his hands to her father’s.  I do not mean to suggest the presence of a Freudian love affair, rather that since childhood each of us unconsciously compile criteria for what we believe is beautiful, masculine or feminine based on the models which are closest at hand. Conversely, say a woman had a terrible relationship with her father—perhaps she avoids men who even remotely resemble him. Even glasses and a mis-placed mole could be a deal breaker. And just to bewilder and truly upset you, she may actually find abusive men attractive. In fact, both men and women may unconsciously replicate an abusive past in order to re-experience and resolve childhood trauma. This can manifest in a number of ways. For example, a child abused by both parents may, as an adult, feel unsafe or simply unable to carryout intimate relationships. This person may seek out partners who are perhaps married, geographically distant, emotionally unavailable, or “just someone to sleep with”.

On a brighter note, sometimes we project onto our new partner qualities we love most about ourselves. Is this love of your life (the one you met five minutes ago) gorgeous, wise and brilliant? Loving, reliable and receptive? Has anyone ever said anything like that about you? Just as we may find ourselves inexplicably incensed with those who harbor and exhibit our own negative traits, so too do we occasionally become enamored when the opposite occurs. Just as we have a difficult time owning our negative traits, we may have just a hard a time owning the positive.

In summary, our ideal mate is an amalgam of human made of memories, ideals, traumas, hopes and dreams–all manufactured from the material deep within our own individual psyches. Which begs the question: When we are in love, who are we really in love with? When you look into your lover’s eyes, whose eyes are you really looking into? Picture your friend on a date. She is in a café, sitting across from her newly beloved. Two people transfixed, each with a mirror, gazing into their own reflection.

Finally, one day, usually around three months later, your phone rings.

She is contrite, possibly tearful. “We’re taking a break. I’m sorry I’ve been such a terrible friend. I don’t know what I was thinking.” You don’t need to ask what happened. Maybe they had their first fight, or moved into that comfortable, familiar stage of the relationship. Whatever the case, the projection has begun to crack and splinter. Have you been here before? You awake one day to a human being laying beside you wrapped in 90% of the covers, a human you must listen to and compromise with (how to share a blanket for instance), who may also be experiencing their own sense of loss and deep disappoint as you fail to live up to an impossible standard. For a projection’s ephemeral nature is the source of its great paradox—for once you have found the one, you have found no one.

In his book “We, Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love” Robert Johnson, the great Jungian philosopher and psychotherapist, likened the sparkling quality of romance to a religious experience. In addition, he discusses how many religions converge on the point that the deepest experience of God, the universe, the great mystery, or whatever label you wish to lay upon it, exists ultimately within ourselves. Johnson feels that romantic love operates as a modern gateway to this deeper experience, or a road sign indicating the direction towards our true Self. He maintains that part of the reason we become so swept up in projection is that we are missing this aspect in our lives and are left craving an intense experience of the numinous and of the Self.

So is the secret…church? Hell no. What Johnson is advocating for is a deeper, more fearless excavation of who we are as humans. So long as we are unable to access the greatness and mystery that is ourselves, we will continue to project all this material onto our partner. Just think of what romantic love requires your significant other to hold—a life time of your own material, your hopes, dreams, unmet expectations as well as unearthed and unresolved traumas.  If we do not learn to lighten the load we place upon our significant other we will be continually disappointed with our intimate relationships.

So what do we do once the projection has lifted and our experience of the numinous has evaporated?  Relationships have the potential to move into a deeper form of love—real caring, quiet. Johnson states

Love is the power within us that affirms and values another human being as he or she is….Therefore, when I say that “I love,” it is not I who love, but, in reality, Love who acts through me. Love is not so much something I do as something that I am. Love is not a doing but a state of being— a relatedness, a connectedness to another mortal, an identification with her or him that simply flows within me and through me, independent of my intentions or my efforts.  (We, Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love 2013)

I will not attempt to improve on that statement. Though I will add that there is no need to reignite the “spark” in the relationship, when what we truly want are embers, buried deep within the ash and charcoal. Why not a red hot, steady heat? For what better thing is there in life but the simple joy of waking up next to someone you love and who loves you back?

Nine months later, you listen patiently as your friend complains and hems and haws, those three months of deafening silence replaced now by appeals for advice, hand-holding and “just someone to talk to” over a beer, coffee, lunch, or anything else that will take up an afternoon away from their a-little-less-than-before-significant-other. You hang up the phone. You scheduled a coffee date, but you know that your friend doesn’t need your help now any more than she did in the beginning. She needs to dedicate the time, do the work and face some serious self-excavation.

Still, projection has served a purpose for your friend. Have you ever “gone too fast” and ruined something that seemed to have great potential? It is as though the projection needs time to build up—like a kind of ethereal charge. And as the two of you dance your dance, leave secret notes, take just enough time to return each other’s phone calls and allow the mystery to propagate, the more your own desires, dreams and imaginings can wash over your new partner and thicken the excitement. Projection is the psychic glue that keeps two people together long enough to decide whether or not there is something real to salvage once the winds of reality have set in and the fairy dust has cleared. So if I had to bring religion or spirituality into this, I would say that during the first glowing phase of a relationship, it is God or the great mystery that takes care of us. After that, we are on our own.

Source:

https://benjaminrussack.com/kidnapped-by-cupid-how-romantic-love-takes-over-our-lives/

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New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/no-rest-for-the-light-filled/

No Rest For the Light Filled

No Rest For the Light Filled

By A Gift From Gaia

How are you feeling? Wanting yet more alone time? Perhaps it feels like a plug has been pulled and all is leaving…..and it could feel a little confusing.

I’m seeing a number of posts stating how “it’s” going to get easier…..let’s get one thing incredibly straight, and Aligned….have you looked at the world? I mean all of it? Have you realised yet that we are the changers?

This means we are in a giant timeline of change, change that begins with you and will at some point herald the start of VISIBLE, I mean physically VISIBLE breakdown or breakthrough of the world as we know it.

In order for the harmony to restore in the garden of Eden, all must move back into harmony and we are by no means close to a trickle of change…..that all starts with you and barely anyone has come close to walking on their path of light, so the idea of things getting easier would only be ego choosing to find pockets to indulge and divert you from the internal work that must be done.

And in true planet/asteroid style Venus, Saturn and Pallas deliver the goods….from the Gods.

Whatever stream you are surfing we are going deeper. Most are simply realising the discord within and wondering why things always happen to them, some folk are realising the energetic patterns and wondering how to break the chains, some are taking the keys from keyholders and are busy and yet comfortably identifying programs and zero pointing as they go, some are realising they can’t feel and are learning how to reconnect themselves and then the cosmic surfers are diving through the sands of time and seeking the Divine Truth of All, to find the most deepest lock of all….and let me tell you, it’s quite a journey whichever stream you are taking, we have surfed them all and we know how once the human yearned for it to be EASIER.

All this highlights is the resistance and after the super lunar eclipse creating the cracks in the blind spots resistance is certainly going to present.

Before I continue I have a vision that keeps flashing in front and I just want to mention it, for whatever the purpose, it’s going in here.  Just before I woke this morning I was in dream, but then it flicked and I was sat on a hospital bed in a cancer treatment ward, with a lady I believe to be called Helen.

Well a nurse came in and my head turned and the name Helen was said, however was I Helen, was she Helen or was someone else in the room called Helen.

A lovely lady, I would say in her 50’s hair light brown, possibly highlights, very very chirpy, she was wearing glasses, and she’s a jeans and slippers kinda girl, the slippers were prominent as she crossed her legs in the dream.

I asked her what was wrong, she pointed to the tubes that were about to be hooked up and said it was leukemia.

I told her I was sending extra goodness, extra light through those tubes, that’s when my attention was turned and the nurse walked in and the name Helen was heard and I woke up.

I don’t normally share these things here, but as I’m writing about this energy the dream keeps flashing like a news flash so I’m putting it right here, it could be symbolic for someone, it could be symbolic for me, but it was definitely an energy jump into a field, because it was all too real and isn’t leaving yet.

Ok back to the energy…….

Let’s begin with Pallas, the daddies girl of the skies, the daughter of Zeus said to have been born from his head, which also means she had no Mother.

She took on her Father’s traits and became the warrior maiden, known for her courage, her strategy in war, she is the feminine super hero, known for her beauty and as strong and as fast as any man.  She uses her wisdom and diplomacy to steer away from conflict, her heart desires peace but woe betide those who resist the truth she holds because she will stand in her light and fight the fight…..and win…..if there were to be winners and losers…. harmony would be her feelings once peace restores as she dusts herself down and continues her path of fight the good fight.

Feeling the Pallas within yet?  Is she striking a chord of action?

She will….

Whilst Pallas squares Venus we know that there is discord within the areas we value, relationships and finances have been under the microscope for a while and the quakes are getting more frequent in those learning about Self through the mirror of their partners, however the ultimate relationship is with Self and to truly understand the coordinates you find yourself in today it’s essential to realise the patterning, and to not only look within at the relationship you have with Self, are you seeking out there? But to take a good look at the programming picked up along that masculine line, where are the cracks, where is the lack, where was the absent father, where is the absent father within you….and how has this formed you into the person you are today.

The recent templates of unity, balanced masculine and feminine were tuned in and up, set and restarted by myself and Linda, FOR OUR SPECTRUM (please remember we guide our own bandwidths, in which those in our webs experience the power of being in the light grids we hold, codes have been transmitted into the water and we are asking for Truth to be revealed…..and it is….

Which means that which is not in unison in the physical realities will be presenting for the changers to keep the changes changing.

No rest for the light filled…..

And whilst Venus Squares Pallas, well let’s throw in an opposition to Saturn for good measure, firstly giving us the keys that this is karmic for those still working their way off the wheel, that is is deep, that it is sent from the Father Cronus (and we all know what he did to the kids) that this frequency requests we look at that core programming, our foundations, our beliefs are lit up so we can see the repair work required.

Are you feeling you need that SOULitude?

Well this energy will lead you in to some amazing discoveries the moment you release the resistance to your opening Eye.

Full responsibility for all presentations occuring, seeking the symbols and the patterns to retrace your steps back out of the programming.

When faced with opposition we surf by bringing forward the diplomacy of Pallas, holding the truth and yet, perhaps, now is not the time to have those emotional conversations out there, perhaps now is the time to observe and focus on the practicality of things, this energy will support the physical movement and clearing, it will support firm decisions and plans, it will create hell in the space of indecision and bring instant relief to those willing to take the next courageous step.

We have entered Phase 2, next stop 88 portal and this energy will see many falling away…..again, the moon will be making connections with Mars, Vesta and Juno

Fast pace into 2020, we have much MORE work before we begin to see the reflection of the breakdown/through on our physical world stage but every step you take, every decision made that is a conscious movement, speeds up the Quickening we are all experiencing.

*****

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