#i want to find the absolute worst song in existence | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

avionvadion · 3 months

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I have no self control, so here ya go.

Lucifer x Human!Fem!OC

Warning: I don’t know how to write songs, so please don’t judge the Lucifer song too hard. T_T El isn’t affected by the song magic in Hell/Heaven so she ends up singing whatever songs she knows from her time on earth. In this chapter, it’s Lost Within.

Lucifer was many things.

The King of Hell, the most powerful being within the seven rings, the Archangel who fell from Heaven’s grace, the vile snake who gave humanity free will and doomed them all to a life of sin, but…

He was also a man who missed his wife, who was taking the divorce so badly that he still couldn’t bring himself to remove the wedding band from his finger, and in his depression had become even more estranged from his already distant daughter, the light of his life, who he so badly wanted to reconnect with yet had absolutely no idea how to do so without risking rejection.

What he wasn’t was someone who would be sitting at a desk, surrounded by mountains upon mountains of shredded and crumpled sheets of yellow paper, his endless abyss of magical rubber ducks taking up the room, and nodding his head and scribbling down whatever the weird human at his side was saying.

He wasn’t the kind of man who would rely on a stranger and eagerly take their advice on how to better his bond with his daughter!

…Except he was.

Lucifer was desperate. Very, very desperate.

Now, how did this human end up in Hell? She didn’t die, that was for sure- otherwise she’d be a demon. Well, perhaps she’d be an angel, actually, though a fallen one, given her personality and her avoidance to all things the wretched Sinners would normally enjoy. His sweet Charlie even hired her to work at the hotel as the “shining example” of what the Sinners should try to be.

Oh, his sweet Charlie…

She really does try to see the best in people- even though the Sinners are the absolute worst and don’t have the capacity to change, because they just don’t want to. Bless her heart. He isn’t looking forward to hearing how crushed she’ll be when her idea inevitably fails, because it did before when he tried it so it’ll definitely fail again now that she’s trying it, but he’ll let her have her fun until then.

“Hey, it’s okay.” The human murmured softly, hand hovering like she was about to rest it on his shoulder before changing her mind and setting it on the back of his chair instead. “Just breathe. Charlie wants to get to know you just as much as you do her. Just write what you’re thinking, and we’ll go from there. It’ll be okay.”

Lucifer’s memory was pretty faulty nowadays- he’s only been remembering half of what’s been going on because of this human constantly keeping him updated on his daughter’s activities.

He’d forgotten several times already that Charlie had started working at the hotel, to… Charlie’s ire, and his own- but this human reminds him daily with her constant messages and his frequent calling her to ask about his daughter.

What was that? Why doesn’t he call Charlie?

Are you kidding!? What is he supposed to say to her!? What if she doesn’t pick up? What if he sounds like a total loser and she says she doesn’t want anything to do with him anymore, and cuts ties with him just like his wife- ex wife- did!?

No, no, no; he can’t risk that.

Lucifer can’t lose her, too. Although, admittedly, as this human has pointed out, him hesitating to reach out and close the gap might just be what chases Charlie out of his life in the end. With each day Lucifer can feel her grow more and more distant from him, and he can feel more and more of himself slipping away as a result.

Without Charlie… what reason is there for him to keep living? He’s so tired. Hell is a complete mess, death and destruction is everywhere, and now that his wife has abandoned him he… can’t find beauty anywhere except for in his daughter’s existence.

She’s so bright and pure and brilliant, shining like a hundred thousand stars, her light illuminating the darkness of Hell.

But he’s… so scared of rejection, he keeps unintentionally pushing her away.

“Lucifer?” This human-

Lucifer snapped his head up, startling the woman and causing her to recoil back, his yellow-and-red snake eyes wide as he stared at her. She was only about two inches taller than him, but she was clearly intimidated by him, scared of his power and status as king. She’s been freaked out ever since that day in the hotel, where she learned Charlie’s dad was the King of Hell.

Lips pulling into a frown, Lucifer finally looked at her- taking in the human’s features for perhaps the first time since they’ve met.

Pale skin, a round face, big brown doe eyes, and messy chocolate hair cut short.

His daughter had called him the day she took her to the hotel- having found her and saved her after a demon summoned her in an attempt to reverse engineer a summoning circle, hoping to force their way back onto Earth. Charlie and this human had made a pact, and the proof of it was on her right hand, hidden beneath her black wrist brace and glove.

Lucifer had been ecstatic, never getting calls from his daughter, only ever being the one to call her with the pathetic excuse of “boredom” or “work”, but that excitement quickly shifted to confusion, then incredulousness.

This human… “What was your name again?”

She sputtered, and Lucifer blinked, watching and waiting expectantly as she fumbled like a fish in an attempt to form words, like she could hardly believe he kidnapped her for her help without even knowing her name. “E… Eleanora? Quince? It’s literally in your phone? How do you- is that not the name you have in your contacts!?”

Ah. It does ring a slight bell. “No?”

He pulled out his phone, opening his list, which wasn’t much; he had his daughter, of course, and his wife- ex wife- and the several Overlords that reign over the various circles whom he only occasionally has to keep in line, but as for Eleanora…

Lucifer held it out to her, beaming, his sharp-teeth spread in a pearly white grin. “I put you as the Blue Human! Because,” He snickered and waggled his gloved fingers at her outfit, “y’know, you dress almost entirely in blue? It’s a good look, I’ll admit, and the skulls on the leggings reeeally give it a “Human in Hell” kinda vibe. The flowers? Nice. But, seriously, not much of a lasting impression.”

Eleanora was a very curvaceous woman, with a cute face to boot now that he’s actually taken the time to look at her, and her short hair made her come off as slightly androgynous, but her button-up was a plain royal blue with next to no patterns and absolutely zero accents, and just poking out from underneath was an equally plain black tank top. Her leggings were eighty-percent black, with the patterns starting halfway down her thigh on the sides and stopping in the middle of her shin.

Her shoes? Blue sneakers.

No necklace, no earrings, no fancy hat- she dressed classy, cute, but so simple. It was almost a shame. She could really turn some heads if she dolled herself up.

Lucifer bit back a laugh as she gaped at him.

Her face was turning a bit red- not from anger, but more from embarrassment. Shyness, maybe? She doesn’t seem like the type who handles being checked out very well. Maybe that’s why she never leaves the hotel.

Heh, that and because any demon out there will try to get their claws- or teeth- in her the first second they see her. Either to make a pact, or for less… savory reasons. Honestly, he’s surprised that fluffy spider Charlie recruited hasn’t tried to lay his hands on her yet.

A human in Hell was a very bad thing, but really only for the human. Unfortunately, there’s no known way to get a human back to Earth since no human has ever been summoned into Hell before. What an unlucky lady she was, huh?

Can’t be too unlucky, He suddenly thought, a hint of bitterness in him, since she was saved by my Charlie, and made a pact with her of all people.

How unlucky can one person be that the universe decides to gift them a miracle? The Blue Human, apparently.

Fuck, I forgot her name again. El, Ella… no. Ellen? No, no! Shit.

Seeing her shake her head at him, Lucifer watched in mild frustration as she turned to peer over his shoulder again, reading what he’s written so far. He watched her dark lashes flutter, his eyes drifting down to observe her very exposed neck and collarbone her outfit seemed to be putting emphasis on, before snapping his gaze back up to her face.

Damn.

Maybe her outfit is simple, but it was certainly effective.

Her dark hair was quite fluffy, and in its messiness seemed to curl around her rosy cheeks and exposed nape in a tempting fashion. Was she truly as innocent as Charlie believes her to be? Ever since Lucifer granted humanity free will, they’ve only ever done horrible things like kill each other and commit genocide.

She must despise him, right? Planning his death in her mind? He kidnapped her from the hotel and coerced her into helping him write a letter for his daughter.

This woman-

Ellis… Elena?

She doesn’t actually care about his relationship with his daughter, right?

El… Ellie! I’ll call her Ellie!

There, perfect. Whatever her name was, this’ll sound like a nickname. Anyone would be honored to have the King of Hell, Lucifer, call them by a nickname.

Wait, why am I worrying about this?

This was really pathetic, even for him. His facial expression was probably changing rapidly alongside his thoughts, but he was so lost in the chaos that was his jumbled mind that he didn’t notice and didn’t really care.

Lucifer was just sitting his chair, brows furrowed, staring at the Blue Human and trying to figure out why all of this was bothering him so much when… he realized, seeing her turn to look at him again, her brown eyes no longer filled with fear and instead a gentle encouragement.

Her features were soft, her voice filled with a kind of sweet supportiveness he hasn’t heard in many, many years. “Why don’t we keep writing? We’re still only a few lines in.”

This human was his only shot at redemption.

To be a better father, to reconnect with his daughter whom he hasn’t seen since the divorce- or, well, now, a couple weeks ago, which was also because of this human. She may be the one staying at that silly hotel, but he was the one in desperate need of help. Whether she was genuine or a gifted actress didn’t really matter.

But… somehow, as she smiled at him, he had a feeling she sincerely did want to help him, even though they barely knew each other and he’s only really given her reason to dislike him.

He wasn’t exactly friendly when they first met, and the last time he checked abduction wasn’t really the way to go about making friends.

Lucifer turned away to stare at the three lines he had written, biting his bottom lip, before falling forward and hitting his head against the desk. “It’s too hard! It all sounds so stupid! She’s never gonna agree to it!”

He thought about inviting Charlie over hundreds upon hundreds of times, but he could never bring himself to follow through with it. He’d call her, but would soon panic, and in the end the gap between them ended up wider than ever before. Lucifer would always give her the worst of excuses, telling her he was just bored or wanted to pawn some kind of job off to her.

The more he thinks about it, the more awful he feels.

Seriously, Lucifer was a shitty dad.

His daughter is never going to want to spend time with him. The thought of drinking tea together, talking about each other’s day, felt like an impossible dream… and Lucifer didn’t have many dreams left.

She had seemed so uncomfortable that day, even though he had been so happy to see her for the first time in years. What if…

“What if it’s too late?”

Ellie was silent.

After a moment of hesitation- she actually rested a hand on his back, choosing to be brave and try to comfort him. Lucifer tensed at the touch, but was even more surprised by what she said next, the devil king turning his head to look at her, his rosy cheek squished against the desk as his yellow eyes grew wide.

“It’s not too late.” She murmured. “And it’s not hard; it’s just scary. Which makes it feel hard. You can do this.”

She beamed at him, bright and encouraging. Lifting her free hand, she gave him an awkward thumbs up.

“I believe in you! You got this!”

Lucifer was always too scared to bridge the gap, despite wanting to for so long. He’d panic and say something stupid, something wrong that would upset his daughter. But now he wasn’t alone; there was someone beside him to help him each step of the way, to help him make the right choices.

Dreaming… was so hard nowadays. His ideas were idiotic and pointless more often than not. He was often plagued by nightmares of his daughter forsaking him.

But now there was a light- a little hope that things would go well.

Taking a deep breath, Lucifer lifted his head and sat up. Ellie hadn’t yet removed her hand from his back. He could feel the warmth of her palm burning through his jacket and clothes.

He tugged a sharp grin across his face, yellow eyes practically glowing against his pure white skin. At the sight, he felt her hand twitch, but she kept her smile on her lips as he looked at her.

Lucifer grabbed his pen, twirling it in his fingers. “You realize there’s no escape from this now, right?”

“…Huh?”

His grin widened into a smirk. Lucifer pointed the pen at her, eyes half-lidded as he met her wide-eyed stare. “If this doesn’t work, I’ll make sure you get a front row seat to Hell. I may be fallen, but I still have some strings I can pluck to get you down here, and when I do…”

Ellie flinched back in alarm when he flicked the pen in the air, the short king standing up from his chair and catching it with his other hand. All the while, he reached out to grab her chin, forcing her to lean down so they were eye-to-eye, his sclera glowing a bloody red to match his irises, a growl in his cheery voice.

“I’ll make you wish my daughter never found you.”

“Uh…” Wait, why is her face red? Lucifer blinked when her voice cracked, the woman trying so hard to keep a shaky smile from forming. “O-Okay. Sounds… Sounds good. Um.”

Her eyes darted around the room for a moment, then back to him, but couldn’t keep eye contact for more than five seconds before looking away again.

“Wh-What if… What if it works?”

“Huh? Oh!” Good point. Lucifer thought about it, still holding her face as he tapped his pen against the desk. “I don’t know! Haha… hmm.”

He leaned against the desk side, tilting his head and pouting his lips as he hummed. Ellie remained leaning down, looking increasingly more uncomfortable as her back remained bent at a weird angle.

Finally, Lucifer got an idea, and he simultaneously dropped the pen and released her face to spin on his heels and snap his fingers, pointing at her. “How about~ you become my assistant!? Ey? Eyyy? Not bad, right? Can’t get you back home, but I caaan get you a sweet, sweet gig that’ll make others think twice about attacking you!”

“Wait, assistant? What kind of- huh?”

Lucifer was already walking circles around her with a bit of a beat, his staff materializing in his hands as he nudged her with his elbow and grinned. “Just think about it, Ellie! Heh, how’s this; I’ll even give you a raise! A higher pay rate than a normal assistant, and a bonus if you keep helping me out with Charlie!”

“…I-I’m sorry, what?” The brunette looked so lost, holding a finger up in the air like she was about to ask a question, but Lucifer’s mind was already long gone, the man twirling his staff and swinging his hips as he got into music mode.

The short king moved his head to a slow beat, the few instruments in the room beginning to play, adding a jazzy flow in the air. He swung his staff as he started to sing. “Little Blue, don’t confuse~ yourself with all this doubting! I’m the king, the devil, the guy! The one you can trust to be on your side!”

Ellie was a bit startled by the sudden song, but quickly took it in stride, moving a small step back as she curled her hands close to her chest. “Please don’t call me that.”

He just snapped his fingers, vanishing in a red puff of mist- the same mist he had used to teleport her here- and when he did so, the instruments picked up speed, running double time.

“Where’d you- whoa!” The human looked around, only to jump when he appeared beside her with a large grin.

An arm slinging over her shoulders, Lucifer pulled Ellie close, tapping the apple of his staff against her chest. “Just keep your word! We’ll have a deal! Between you and me, a human in Hell?! Ha, better say fareweeeell!”

He slid away, but not before grabbing her shoulders and forcibly spinning her, causing her to scream, but he snatched her hand just before she fell.

“I know so many demons who would gobble you up alive! But, of course, as you should know, if this little plan of yours fails…” Lucifer loosened her grip and she slipped, still hanging by the fingertips, not at all balanced on her feet, and when she looked behind her, her eyes went wide, flames dancing in their reflection as she stared at a big gaping abyss that suddenly appeared in the floor. “You won’t have a hope in Hell to help you surviiiiive~!”

Ellie felt him let go, and it was all she could do as she screamed as she tumbled into the darkness below, flailing as she reached out in a desperate attempt to stop her fall.

Just as she had been convinced she was about to die, squeezing her eyes shut to brace herself for impact, a pair of arms suddenly grabbed hold of her, and she inhaled sharply, gasping when she looked up to see Lucifer had caught her.

The two were still falling, but his usually dull red irises were bright with color and life, and he grinned so wide at her as they landed on a mountain of gold, coins flying past them, that Ellie could see her reflection in his pearly white fangs.

“Think of the benefits!” He sang, cheery and bright. “The money and pride you get working at my side! An assistant like no other, with bonuses every hour, just by helping my relationship with my daughter bloom~! Bragging rights, discounts, and even a Hellish bank account!”

She screeched when they suddenly went sailing, sliding off the mountain of gold towards a field of flowers. Ellie was quick to wrap her arms around Lucifer’s shoulders, clinging onto him for dear life, but when they landed there was no pain- almost like jumping into a pile of leaves. Lucifer was quick to let go, standing up and spinning on his heel as he threw his hands up into the air, kicking his feet.

“There’s nothing to lose~ except your hope, but better this instead of facing a nightmarish doom!”

Ellie sat up and spat out some flowers, plucking a couple petals out of her hair and from down her shirt, before eying the field of flowers in awe, amazed by its beauty.

“Come on, sweet lady, whattya say?” He waltzed over to her, and she almost yelped again when he grabbed her hand and tugged her onto her feet. Lucifer began to dance, and El tried to follow along, but she stumbled about like she had two left feet. “It’s the best deal you’ll ever make! Work with me and you’ll see, you can survive this reality!”

“…Better the devil I know than the one I don’t?” She asked, still looking a little uncertain.

Lucifer’s eyes flashed, and he tossed her out to the side again. “That’s the way! So, whattya say!?”

Ellie hesitated. “What… all would I be doing as your assistant?”

Hrm. She really doesn’t know how to sing along, does she? “Eh, whatever, really. Just help me not look foolish in front of my baby girl, and you’ll be set for life! And…”

Lucifer thought about it, before offering her a grin.

“Set for your afterlife, should you ever come down here. But that’s only if you end up falling like me- a special deal, just for you. Well, Little Blue?”

“Don’t call me that.” She huffed for the second time that day, making a face, and the short king’s eyes lit up, Lucifer seeing her waver and about to give in. “But, um…”

Ellie’s hand twitched in his, and she turned to face him, nervously reaching out with her other hand to rest it over the one she was already holding. Lucifer’s grin broadened. He watched as she worried her bottom lip, before firmly clasping his left hand with both of hers.

“S-Sure. Dancing… with the devil can’t be too bad, right?”

“Ha!” He laughed, and Ellie jumped, watching as red magic crackled over their hands. Lucifer tugged her to him and he leaned in close, taking note of her startled reaction. “You’ll find out, I suppose. Just help me get my daughter to like me again, and I’ll protect you from anyone stupid enough to try and devour you.”

All at once, the magic around them faded, and the two were standing in the middle of Lucifer’s room once more, the flowers replaced with crumpled failed excuses of letters and many, many rubber ducks.

“Now!” With his right hand, Lucifer pointed his staff at the desk where the in-progress letter was resting, waving it in the air. “What in the unholy Hell am I supposed to write!?”

Ellie stared at him, before sputtering and bursting out laughing, the sound loud and obnoxious but not entirely unpleasant. She crinkled her eyes and looked at him. “Literally whatever you want! I told you- write the first few things that come to mind and we’ll go from there! It’s gotta be from the heart.”

He scrunched his face up. “Sounds like a horrible plan.”

“Hey.” She gave him a look. “Just trust me, okay?”

Ellie suddenly paused.

Lucifer could see her expression shift as she contemplated something, brows furrowing and eyes narrowing, widening, a hand lifting to her chin, and then her face lighting up once she thought of something. She glanced up at him, hesitating, before taking a deep breath and trying to build up courage for something.

Once she had the confidence, she faced him, her actions earning a raised brow from him.

Parting her lips, Ellie began to sing-

“Crawl out of the hole you’re in, who you are is not who you’ve been!” She gave his hand a small tug and gestured around them before facing him with a determined fist, understanding dawning on him why she had been so hesitant just a few seconds ago. “Now’s the time to sink or swim, will you fight the tide or get lost within!?”

Well, it’s not the worst song she could’ve thought of, but it’s definitely not one he would’ve picked.

“And I know you’re feeling low!” Lucifer blinked, surprised when she snatched up both his hands, holding them close to her as she stepped towards him, the human doing her best to keep her voice steady. Unlike him, instrumentals did not magically appear to accompany her, leaving her to feel even more awkward as she sang. “Feel like you’ve lost control! But the darkness that you know; it’s not your home and you’re not alone~!”

She let go of him, spinning in a slow circle to gesture to the many rubber ducks he had painstakingly created in a failed attempt to fill the void left by his divorce and the desperate need to bond with his distant daughter who had once been so happy to see a duck he created with magic when she was small.

“And all you’ve wanted~ was just so much more! This world has taken a hold!“ Ellie stopped to point at Lucifer, who was standing there stunned. “Don’t let ‘em get your soooul~!”

This song…

“The silence, you feel it, cold as a winter storm,” She hugged her arms, her eyes almost pleading, “This world has taken a hold- don’t let ‘em get your sooooul~!”

A moment of tense quiet as she stopped to catch her breath, before deciding to tentatively continue, moving to slowly approach the desk, not looking at him as she ran a hand along the back of his desk chair. Her voice, while not the most beautiful, held a vulnerability to it, and it only grew more pained.

“Iron bars are a hell to break; tell me now, do you know what’s at stake?” Lucifer frowned, eyes narrowing as the song hit a little close to home. “Your whole life in a blank stare haze, you walk around like the end of days…”

Ellie whipped her head around, lips curling back as she realized the lyrics actually fit him a little too well.

“And I know you’re feeling low, feel like you’ve lost control…” Ellie walked towards him, and she held her hands out- not touching him, but simply letting him know she was there if he wanted to reach out. “But the darkness that you know; it’s not your home and you’re not alone.”

Lucifer closed his eyes and turned away, expression twisting in his heartache as he turned to face the family portraits he had hanging on the wall.

He gripped his cane tightly, digging the claws of his other hand into his chest, staring at the once happy images of his family, back when his daughter was small and his wife still loved him.

Maybe there was a point to this song. Maybe the Blue Human was right.

Lucifer didn’t really know the lyrics, but it wasn’t hard to sing along, his lips parting with a heartbreaking cry, “And all I’ve wanted~ was just so much more! This world has taken a hold, don’t let ‘em get my soul!”

If Ellie was shocked by his participation in a song she had been fearful might anger him, she didn’t show it. She just kept on singing. “The silence, you feel it-“

“Cold as a winter storm!”

“This world has taken a hold-“

“Don’t let ‘em get my sooooul!”

Tears were stinging Ellie’s eyes, threatening to fall, as she choked up and stretched her arms out towards him as far as they would go, trying so hard to reach him with her voice. “I’m calling out to you~! Can you heeeear me!?”

The King of Hell turned his head, staring at her from over his shoulder, wondering if just maybe her idea really would work, his expression contorting once more as he realized why Charlie was so willing to make a pact with her.

“They can’t break you down, let you hit the ground!” Ellie’s hands grabbed at the air as she brought them towards her, slowly curling them into fists. She moved her hands through the air, using them to enunciate her words, daring to step closer. Ellie held a hand out to him again. “I promise you, it won’t be long~!“

Lucifer finally moved to face her, taking a hesitant step forward, feeling compelled to believe her, wanting to believe her. “Won’t be looong~!”

“You’re feeling overwhelmed here! Drowned by the pain and the fear!” She held her arms out. “The sun will come with the daaaawn!”

A pause, and then Lucifer started to sing again, looking so lost as the exhaustion shone in his eyes. “All I’ve wanted-“

“Was just so much more!”

“This world has taken a hold-“

Ellie was one hundred percent pleading at this point, and with each verse Lucifer stepped closer to her, drawn in by the sincerity of her voice and gaze. “Don’t let ‘em get your soul!”

“The silence, I feel it- cold as a winter storm! This world has taken a hold-“

He was close enough that she was able to touch him, but she didn’t, simply waiting, until finally Lucifer grabbed her extended hand, his red eyes desperate.

“Don’t let ‘em get my soul!”

Ellie was very much out of breath, while Lucifer looked like he was trying his damndest not to have a breakdown. After a few seconds, Ellie rested her free hand on his and gave them a gentle squeeze. “We… We can start by finishing that letter, okay…? It’s the first step.”

He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, voice cracking. “I don’t want… Charlie to hate me…”

“She won’t. Remember what I told you before?”

Lucifer sniffled, and he looked up with big eyes to see Eleanora smiling softly at him.

“She wants to get to know you just as much as you do her.”

#hazbin hotel lucifer #hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel oc #hazbin lucifer #lucifer x oc #lucifer morningstar

45 notes · View notes

baby--charchar · 2 months

Note

What does Charlies regression look like with lucifer? And how did he find out? Was he insanely supportive or confused?

Charlie has come to love spending time with Daddy when regressed (or 'dada,' age depending). But originally, she never intended for him to find out.

She and Vaggie were just starting to get the hang of it themselves and had no intention of telling others. One night after a LONG workday at the hotel, Vaggie was cooking up supper while Charlie was watching Disney in the main room. She was feeling about 2 or so, and was finally easing into her regression and learning to be content in it.

Cue untimely Lucifer and his ignorance on boundaries. Just has a great new idea on operating focus groups for residents, and barges into Charlie's and Vaggie's room. Well of course there's Charlie smack dab in the middle of the room, her thick hair out of its usual ponytail, pacifier in her mouth, surrounded by baby toys, and wearing a matching red pajama set clearly designed for toddlers. Charlie screamed her fucking head off and Vaggie stormed into the living room thinking she was going to have to kill someone. Alas, it was just poor Lucifer looking confused as hell and now covering his bleeding ears (that demon shriek of Charlie's is again, NO JOKE). Vaggie took control of the situation and shouted at him to leave. No pleasantries and definitely not how she "should" have been talking to the king of hell. But hey, he listened.

When he got back to his room he texted Charlie in a panic.

"Charlie is everything okay?"

"I'm not mad baby, I promise. I didn't mean to scare you. Talk to me."

"Answer me when you can, okay? I love you Charlie."

Back in the girls' room, Vaggie took dinner off the stove to rock poor Charlie in her arms. She was absolutely bawling. Vaggie just held her tight and shushed in her ear trying to get her to soothe. Charlie kept rambling on about how Lucifer was gonna hate her and think she's so gross and she just FINALLY got her dad back in her life just to scare him off. Vaggie just held her tight and tried to get Charlie to focus on her toys and movies. Once she finally settled, she asked her a question.

"Can you let me handle this?"

Charlie nodded after a moment. After Vaggie wrapped up her cooking, and got Charlie settled back in with her sippy cup and movie, Vaggie quietly stepped out.

She charged into Lucifer's room shouting, scaring the fuck out of him.

"AND YOU SEE HOW THAT FEELS?! DID YOU LIKE HAVING ME TEAR YOUR DOOR DOWN?! RUIN YOUR PEACEFUL FUCKING EVENING?! GOOD. I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER THIS MOMENT IF YOU EVEN THINK OF TRYING THAT SHIT AGAIN. NOW SIT YOUR ASS DOWN CUZ WE NEED TO TALK."

She breaks the news to him that yes, her daughter does in fact experience age regression. Basically, her mind goes into a state where it emotionally and cognitively functions like someone much younger than her real age. It's not her fault and she can't always control it, it's just how her mind is processing the immense pressure that she feels. Baby Charlie needs safety, love, and space to be herself no matter how she's presenting. And he was going to give all that to his little girl or...or else, dammit!

Lucifer was so confused. But unlike Charlie's worst fears, he was not disgusted at all. He wanted to know more. He knew Char Char was stressed, but he had no idea how strained she had been feeling. How is this supposed to help her? Can she control it at all? Does she actually enjoy it? Is it making her miserable, or is it really helping her be happy?

Vaggie did her best to answer every question. Eventually though, she could tell that something just wasn't clicking for Lucifer despite trying his hardest to understand. She sighed and pulled put her phone.

"Don't you EVER let her know these exist. You understand? She'd kill both of us if she knew I took these."

A video appeared of Charlie sitting on the floor in her red pajamas, banging on a small xylophone to the beat of a Disney Princess song playing in the background. Her little voice sang along, just barely audible over her clanging. Her grin was so contagious, Lucifer thought. Then a pang of nostalgia engulfed him out of nowhere.

Vaggie swiped and a new video appeared. This time Charlie was toddling around their living room, a stuffed animal held in the crook of her arm and her thumb in her mouth. Vaggie could be heard off screen chuckling.

"Go sit, Char Char. Dinner's almost ready." Charlie grinned at her and started walking over, her uncoordinated steps glaringly obvious.

"No.....no.....! Vee vee's gotta cook! Go sit down on the bed....go sit.... good girl! Good girl." Charlie looked back towards Vaggie and cackled before trying to get up again.

Lucifer's heart was absolutely aching. His daughter looked so sweet. So happy and relaxed, something he hasn't truly seen in ages. She absolutely radiated the same joyous energy that she had as a toddler. And Vaggie just kept swiping. Photos and videos of Charlie finger painting, taking naps in weird spots, sitting in baths with bubbles all the way up to her neck. By the end of it Lucifer was tearing up.

He asked if 1, he could get some of those pictures, and 2, when he could see Charlie again. With Charlie's permission he was able to come back over that night for dinner. Even though Charlie painfully shy, she was clearly fascinated by her daddy being around and wanted him to pay attention to her. Lucifer was happy to brush her hair, pull out toys, and even carry her around all night long.

So yes...both! Insanely supportive after being insanely confused. And it's all thanks to Vaggie sorta taking the lead on caring for and speaking up for Charlie.

#hazbin hotel age regression #hazbin hotel agere #cg!lucifer #little!charlie #cg!vaggie #hazbin hotel #lucifer morningstar #charlie morningstar #vaggie #sfw age regression

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franki-lew-yo · 4 months

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inb4 nicer post than my last one:

I saw Chicken Run 2. It's pretty cute. Definitely not as big a letdown or wasted like a Pixar sequel is.

Keep in mind I think I'm one of the few people in existence who's never itching to get sequels and continuations of my fandoms. I never wanted a Finding Nemo sequel and Finding Dory broke my heart in the worst way; by having unlimited potential and squandering it and the characters I love.

Chicken Run: Dawn of the Nugget doesn't do that, happy to say. Mostly it's just underwhelming.

It's weird. I'm definitely not a better writer than these professional writers, I just find myself going "why didn't you have the characters do/say THIS instead? It would still be cinematic and in character". I'd have to rewatch to give you a play-by-play of exactly what I mean. Overall I'd call that a nitpick. Bigger criticisms, especially when this is a sequel to a 20 y old film with fans who've seen in hundreds of times and know the details:

Hated how they retconed the chicks at the end of the original. You Thanos snapped Bunty and Fowler and possibly some of Rocky and Ginger's children. Also, those little 100% chicks were adorable. I'm okay with Molly being Ginger's only chick, but she'd look adorable as one of these:

Another distracting continuity thing: Rocky gets upset that he can't crow anymore. Even though...he was never a crower. That was Fowler's job. I remember. I get that he's a rooster but my point is that was never a thing Rocky did in the original and that should be been better established as what he does now on the island. Put it among the lines that I think could have very easily been slipped in to make it more digestible; you could have had Rocky say to Ginger, "you gotta let me crow! That's, like, my thing now", implying that he's turned to being the island's crow-er to cope with abandoning his lone-free-ranger lifestyle. See? Small changes of dialogue that can imply so much and give you an idea of all the things you need to know in this newer story.

Even though Fowler did technically do something in the end most of the movie felt annoyed and just there. Really would have liked it if he and Babs were back up and helpful some other way while it was mostly Mac, Bunty, and the rats who went in to save Molly and Rocky. Idk. Maybe it's hard to be the absolute banger of a convenience that is the green aliens and ' the claaaaaw' in Toy Story 3-- needed to utilize him better for the gag and the story is what I'm trying to get at.

Rocky and Ginger's voices were distracting. It's odd because Rocky's is definitely the more noticeably different one that you have to get used to, but I am 100% replacing him considering who was his og voice. I'm mostly mad that in order to free Rocky of the curse they had to take the part away from Julia Sawalha.

This is probably going to controversial here but, um, I really wish Mrs. Tweedy wasn't the Mrs. Tweedy in this. I think it'd be a funnier, more of a "here we go again" gag that they actually find some way to contrive the villain of this movie to be Mrs. Tweedy's relative that just happens to look the same, sound the same AND have the same bloodlust for chickens. Like, the gag is that all of Mrs. Tweedy's family is Officer Jenny/Nurse Joy who are all identical to one another but they're also the Cruella of birds and all have a bumbling husband. Even though it's explained how she got here, it just kind of takes the teeth out of her original defeat and even her one in this film.

I kind of wish Ginger had stayed "colarred" for a longer stretch of time and the rest of the crew had to save her. I feel like Molly being placed in her mother's shoes would have been more dramatic and made the situation all the more dire and dependent on the other characters to think up a plan. Ginger being unable to do anything or "broken" would change it up a bit, provided she still makes the final save in the end.

That pop song during the 'Molly-growing-up' montage was bad and didn't suit the time period and vibe of the movie. It really took me out. Just play that in the end credits.

Mr. Fry never appeared again in his creepy chicken man suit and I kind of really liked the idea of this creeeeeepy farmer basically wanting to be friends with the chickens while dressing as one because he thinks he's more connected to them that way. But no that's just for one scene.

I was also expecting Mr. Fry to turn on Mrs. Tweedy as he noticed her obviously flirting with Reginald. Having the ending twist be that he assists the chickens in their escape or lives among them in a horrific chicken suit with the chickens taking advantage of this would have been right at home.

that's all I got.

#chicken run #chicken run dawn of the nugget #chicken run 2 #aardman #franki's features

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elysiumblue · 9 months

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Pick a card - JUDGEMENT DAY: Review your past and learn to improve your future 🪦

The reading is inspired by the major arcana, "Judgement". It's quite a complex card for me so I want to do a reading inspired by the card to learn more about it. The spread I used is here, and the message I got from it is so informative, so you can give it a try too.

As the title said, this reading will give you a brief review of your past, reflection on the past, and guidance on what you can learn from it to create a better future. I think the text is quite long this time, so I won't provide a song for each pile, as I don't want to overwhelm you (and me lol).

Anyway, as it's a general reading, takes what resonates and leave the rest behind!

👇🏻 Pick an emoji you feel drawn to 👇🏻

And find the corresponding reading for you below!

Pile 1

In the past, you were shrouded by the sense of fear and anxiety. The situation you were in was not necessarily the worst thing on earth. Actually, for some of you, I can see that the situation you were in was somewhat "decent". It's like life was going on a nice direction, and you were always inspired to generate new ideas. However, it seems that it's very difficult for you to be happy even when things were "right".

You always felt that you're not enough, even though you had so much achievements in life. Such responses were caused by others opinions, as they never recognized your achievements, failed to express it to you in an honest way, or maybe you felt that you're hurting people with your progress as you made them jealous of you. You tried your very best to stay cool with those people, even when they said mean words to you. You tried not to have your emotions dictate your judgment, and you also tried very hard to hide them from people. You could be suffering from nightmares every night, but at day time you always tried to put on a show for people.

Those people can only see the surface of you. You can make them believe that you're doing absolutely ok. But can you do the same to yourself, when you have full information of yourself from both your body and mind? You tried to focus on the exterior of yourself to distract yourself from the pain you don't want to face. However, not looking at it doesn't mean that it's not here. You cannot neglect it's existence either as you can feel it in you so strongly no matter how hard you're distracting yourself from it.

The shroud separated your achievements from your heart, so you could never feel joy no matter how much you've achieved. Besides this, the grudge you have for the people also prevents you from expressing your ideas freely. You had, or maybe still have the tendency to hold back your ideas, because you don't think people deserve your brilliant ideas. You hate them and they don't deserve your best. You might be able to come up with the solution to a problem they're having instantly, but instead of telling them your idea immediately, you make them wait, and watch them suffer for a while before telling them your ideas.

Not telling people your ideas the second it generated from your mind is actually a great thing for you. However, the intention for you to do so is completely wrong. You used the time to enjoy people suffer, and feast from their negativity, instead of using the time to improve your ideas. Your ideas are really good even in their rawest form, but they can be so much better if you spend time on polishing them. It's because there's a duality in you that needs to be balanced. It's not a bad thing that there're two opposite minds in your brain. This trait can really help improving your thoughts if you take time to let them having constructive debate with each other.

By doing so, you can also learn how to let the two sides of you coexist in harmony, instead of fighting each other or neglecting the existence of each other. However, you first have to acknowledge the existence of one of the two sides, as it seems that you're trying to reject the existence of one of them. Also, you have to care less about other's opinions on you, because it's impossible to focus on the external and internal at the same time. By pulling back the focus on yourself, and fully accepting the two sides of you, you will be able to have a better knowledge of yourself, and find your own voice.

By being more connected to yourself, you will also experience less pain in relationships with others, as you no longer care that much about their opinions, and no longer have the desire to perform poor actions that can potentially hurt the relationship to make them agree with you.

Pile 2

You had an intense romantic relationship with someone in the past. It can also be a marriage, a family member, or a relationship that was so intense that it felt like family. Even thought it looked promising and felt like the real thing, you decided to cut them off because you're able to see that something was going extremely wrong even with the rose-colored glasses on.

Instead of giving your whole life, pouring all your love into that person, you resisted the temptation of going with the flow, and cut ties with them completely. For some of you, you may still have to face that person as it's still not possible to have them completely removed from your life due to different reasons. However, you basically blocked them from getting anything more than necessary from you. You decided to invest your time and energy into those who are bonded with you by exchanging energies with you fairly, instead of the person that's bonded with you by some fated event that you had to go through.

You having the courage to cut that person out of your life is one of the best things you've done in your life, as you accepted the fact that they could do nothing good to your life, instead of giving into the illusions. However, you are still suffering from the pain of making such decision, even though everyone, including you, acknowledges that this is a great decision. No matter how much time has passed, you still think about the possibilities that could happen. You may fantasize what could happen if you gave them a chance, or what could happen if they magically change into a better person one day.

It is very understandable for you to feel this way, as that person was once a very important part of your life. But you really have to accept the fact that it's impossible for you to invest your energy into the connection, and yourself at the same time, as they're really that useless to your life. Nothing can come out from the connection no matter what you do, as they're designed to be unhelpful to your life. You've dumped the garbage out from your house, so why you're still leaving the door open for a little bit, for the stench to enter your house.

Accept that things are DEAD, and stop looking back. Nothing good can happen if you continue such behaviour. You've chosen yourself instead of sinking with them back then, so it's time to commit to your option wholeheartedly. It may take time to completely erase their impact from your life and their existence in your mind, especially for those who still have to be stuck with the person in some way. However, changes can be made when you decided to switch your mindset, like how you decided to cut that person out from your life at the past. Focus on the goal of completely cutting off the energetic link to them, and keep putting effort into working towards the goal. The progress may be slow but if you keep doing it, eventually you can make it.

If this isn't motivating for you enough, I can see that the universe will give you a lesson if you don't start working on cutting energetic ties with them right now. The universe will do something to make you realize that it's the only thing you can do in this situation. I think you don't want to suffer more pain from this terrible situation. Also, I really think that you don't deserve being lectured by the universe again as I can see you put in so much effort in throwing the trash out of your life. There's only one step left to complete the cycle. Don't make yourself suffer the whole thing again just because you missed a step, even though you've finished 99% of the work.

Pile 3

I can see that your family had brought you a lot of suffering in the past. They set a really poor example of how people and the world works, and it distorted your view heavily. For some of you, your family members may be very full of themselves, thinking that they're superior than others. For some of you, they often demand you to give them something, but never give anything back to you in return.

Despite the distorted vision they've provided you, you are able to realize that there are other options for you outside. The suffering is so great that it pushes you to realize that home is not where you should be, and your family is not the people you should stay with. You might be confused or unsure about your future, but you're smart enough to know that your future is definitely not related to your family, and you are also sure that you don't want to have any relationship with your family anymore.

From your past experiences, you learned that you have the option to put an end to something in your life, as you discover that you have the power to cut ties with families you've been placed in since birth. The universe wants you to stick with this mindset. Believe that you're powerful enough to shape life the way you want. The traditions, the religions, the people in your life, have no power in deciding how your life should be, if you don't let them to have such power.

After understanding that you are powerful enough to decide how your life should be, you need to learn and understand that you are worthy and perfect. You're perfect as the way you are, so please don't do anything out of lack. If people fail to realize your worth, you should cut them off from your life, instead of changing yourself to the shape they like. You may think that it's an easy thing to do, as you've had your view distorted by your family for years. However, it's so much harder to do it when you're awakened. Awakening is like breaking a mirror. You can try everything but you cannot go back to the state when you were asleep, as you can always see the crack in the mirror.

Also, you should open yourself up to love and affection. It may be difficult for you to feel that you're loveable or deserve love, as people had mistreated you for so long in the past. However, you already know that they're wrong, so don't follow the false guidance to the wrong path ever again. Be comfortable with their praises, gifts, and offers to help you. You know that you don't have to be stuck in the excruciating pain forever. It's time to have fun in the present, and create a happier future.

Don't fall back into the patterns of the past. You may look back at it for inspiration, but you have to remember that there's a barrier between you and the past. No matter how close it felt, you have to remember that there's always a distance between you and the past. It's like looking at the view from the window. Your past is a completed story, so don't interact with it ever again.

#pick a card #tarot reading #general tarot reading

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tiny-sassy-aggressive · 2 months

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After watching We’re All Doomed, the comedy show by Daniel Howell, I need to take moment to write out how that show made me take a step back in my own life and evaluate progress and positive growth in my life as I realized that his timelines/feelings could be foiled in a meaningful way to my life. I was particularly inspired to write this while watching the scenes on the screen of the moments of joy people were experiencing. I swear I had chills and I started to tear up. As he spoke about not only embracing the void, but finding the courage to exist, but not just exist, but to live and find those moments of joy, I was reminded about how that moment in searching for why life was worth living was how I came (back) to Catholicism. I don’t intend this post to encourage others to or away from the Church. I simply was inspired by Dan to share how I got to a place of accepting that life is worth living and how I hope to move forward.

I want to first tw cancer, death, feelings of not wanting to exist, and mentions of suicide. Nothing is explicitly discussed in great detail but only mentioned. I have never written out my story before, barely talk about it even to this day. Tried therapy a few times but it wasn’t for me, but that’s neither here nor there. This is a safe space for me to share something I just wouldn’t with family and friends. Though, I must apologize in advance, like Dan, I talk/write way too much so this will be a very long post.

Thank you to all those who take the time to read my random story and I hope to hear from others how Dan’s story and/or show have affected you so we can share in those feelings as a community.

I am chronically depressed and anxious. Always have been as it runs in the family. However, the problem was my parents, or really, I should just say my mom because my dad was never around in an emotional capacity that mattered, didn’t necessarily believe in mental health. Sure they knew depression and anxiety were real, but those were just emotions people felt and there wasn’t anything to do but continue on and try your best to keep going no matter what. It’ll be fine, just keep moving and working, right? Well when I was 12/13 I was getting bullied really badly. It got to the point where I was having panic attacks before going to school, crying at night, constantly feeling nauseous, and worst of all, I would refuse to leave my moms side, so school got to be pretty difficult. My mom was fully aware of what was going on so she went in immediately and got the bullying handled (as much as she could, middle schoolers are brutal. It never really went away but it was less of a nuisance) but she did not understand why I still felt ill and didn’t want to leave her side. She found me a therapist and I went twice. I knew we had financial struggles and I started to feel better so I stopped going. I was still sad and scared but those were normal feelings, right? I could go to school and play my flute, talk to friends, and sure I was writing songs about being trapped in a cage and having no one hear my screams but I was just an edgy teen, I wasn’t depressed. That’s just me being me. No mental illness here! I’m fine. Spoiler alert- I was not fine and it was only going to get worse.

When I was 14 I found Dan and Phil! I was a huge o2l fan so I followed Connor Franta and he posted Internet Trivia with Dan and Phil and I absolutely fell in love with them and fell down the rabbit hole of their channels and the gaming channel. I loved them both but I definitely had a bias towards Dan because he wore all black and was edgy. Watching Existential Crisis for the first time gave me a phrase to the weird feelings I had. Both affirmed and disproved the fact I was mentally ill but I still didn’t have the words for it so I just thought I was mentally different from other people. Watching that video back with all the context of 2024 and 2024 Dan, that video covered an extraordinarily heavy topic but he never mentioned the word depression or mentally ill because, at that point, why would he? Since he was the only person who voiced those feelings that I also shared, I took them to heart, but I could only take those words to heart as I had no reference to infer what else all that meant. So I kept all my feelings to myself. After all, this guy said he had all these big feelings but was fine. Call me naïve, I was 14, so I believed I could be okay and still feel existential. It was normalized, plus nothing else in my life was being affected, I was doing well in school, I had friends, I had hobbies, I was fine. How could I complain?

A few months after the start my freshmen year of high school, my older brother was diagnosed with leukemia and everything changed. He was sick and had to stay in the hospital for months, one of my parents would always be at the hospital, and me and my little brother would visit on the weekends when we could. My mom really stressed the importance of keeping a normal schedule so we did. School, extracurriculars, piano, just keep moving and everything will be alright. I didn’t cry, I couldn’t cry. I had to remain okay, fine, an unbreakable force because I couldn’t have anyone worrying about me because we all had to worry about my brother. Which we did! I never wanted to be a burden or not okay because I wanted all attention and time focused on his wellbeing. I don’t remember talking to anyone about anything emotional. Sure as hell not my parents. Not my brothers. Not even my friends. So I watched videos and removed myself and all emotions from my being so I didn’t have to think or be.

When he was first diagnosed I felt lost and confused. So I did the one thing my private, catholic school taught me to do. I found God and prayed. Except, I can say certainly looking back, it was not a meaningful relationship I created. It was one forged in fear, confusion, and a misunderstanding of how to pray. Ironically, for a catholic school, they didn’t know how to teach someone to come to God, they just expected you to understand, but that’s beside the point and a different conversation. But that’s what I did! I prayed, every morning and night, Lord, Please heal my brother. Please. Tried devotionals I didn’t get, muttered words I didnt understand, and played the part. I watched everyone else around me do it so I did it too, to the point where I believed I needed to be perfect or else my prayers would fail, which, I cannot express enough, was not the appropriate mentality, but that’s what I thought was necessary.

About 7 months later, my brother was in remission and he came home! He was okay! We got through the summer, he came back to school, we were in band and choir together again. It was fun!! We were all okay again. The dark spots in my head were still there but they were probably just left over from how scary last year was. How could I not be happy with my brother back home and alright again. At this point, my prayers were answered so I slowed down my prayers. I was okay so I felt as if I did not need my relationship with God as intensely anymore because I felt fine. Plus, when I was sad or scared those were just normal reactions that were not taking over my life so why dwell on them.

In 2017, Dan released Daniel and Depression. And I don’t exactly remember my reaction. But at that point in my life, I remember coming around to the idea that maybe I was not as mentally sound as I thought. But even listening to what he had to say, I was still convinced I was not depressed, I was just traumatized from what had happened to my brother and to my family. I had spent that time living through hell and I never stopped, I did not lay in bed wallowing, I didn’t not brush my teeth or not take care of myself. I was a high functioning nearly straight a student through and through. I was not depressed.

I don’t know why that was such a dirty word for me. Or maybe it wasn’t a dirty word, but it was something I didn’t want associated with myself. My school didn’t believe in mental health because all you had to do was pray and “you can’t be depressed and be with God” - Which by the way is completely inaccurate and harmful for young people to grow up learning. On the other hand, my parents lived in a hospital with my sick brother for months, I shouldn’t be depressed or talk about the weird sadness I was experiencing after everything they went through. It’d be selfish of me to not be alright.

Two months after Dan posted his depression video, my brother got sick again, the cancer came back. I prayed fervently once again. Knowing it worked once it could work again. Every morning and every night in the depths of my dark room where no one could see or hear because everyone else in my family was not religious or was too angry at God to believe. I put it on myself to pray and to be good so he can be healed again. But I failed. He died 4 months later on my 17th birthday. Years later, a therapist would tell me that happened because he didn’t want me to forget about him, well jokes on the therapist I was never going to forget anyway. I failed, it was my fault he died. If I prayed more, if I was a better person, if I just focused I could have saved him. But I wasn’t enough, I was not good enough to save him. This wasn’t true, of course, nor how religion/prayer works. But I didn’t know what else to do or think. So I blamed myself. I wasn’t even there when he died. My parents told my little brother and I that he wasn’t ever coming home and a few days later, on my birthday, we went to school and when my dad picked us up from school he drove us home and my mom was sitting there and that’s when I knew. My little brother was so cute, he later admitted he just thought my mom had come home to see me for my birthday but I knew immediately. I still don’t know how my dad just picked us up that day and didn’t say anything.

A part of me died that day. How could it not have? It was a strange night. We cried. I ate a pre-bought cupcake. My brother went to lacrosse practice and the next day we both went to school. Because that’s just what we did. We just kept going. Let me tell you, you’ll get the strangest looks from people when they see you at school after they just heard over the loud speaker that your brother had died the previous day. Because really, what were we doing there? We were the highest functioning traumatized students you had ever seen. I was only 2 minutes late to my first class of the day, math. I went to the chapel in the school with my really close friend to cry and listen to adoration music and just wonder why, why, why? 2 minutes wasn’t too bad, the teacher was surprised to see me and I failed the math quiz we had. She was nice, she offered to not have me take it, but I was already there and it was math quiz time so I took the quiz. She let me redo it too. She was nice, I needed it. It felt normal so I felt fine.

And that was all the rest of the 2018 school year was. Fine. Went to class, studied, did my extracurriculars, performed in all the shows, hell, I even went to prom with said super close friend from earlier. It was obvious I was traumatized and sad but how could I not be? But I was doing everything a normal student would be doing so what was the problem?

The problem was I felt alone, hell, I was alone. My family was broken, shattered into a million a pieces. My dad was distant, my mom cried, my bothers and I weren’t talking in any meaningful way. I talked to one person, the guy who held me in the chapel the day after my brother died and who took me to prom. I loved him, we loved each other. He was the only person who I felt actually saw me. I always had some barriers up but I felt free with him and I know he just wanted me to be okay even in the midst of tragedy. We were friendly for 2 years but we got close right before my brother was diagnosed again. Those months meant so much to me and I thought we would always be close. But 1 month after my brother died. He told me he did not want to continue our relationship or friendship. He said I was too much to handle or had too much going on. In all honesty, I don’t remember his exact words because I most definitely mentally blacked out. And he broke what little part of me was left.

(About 2 1/2 years later he ended up calling me and after not really speaking to him at all since that moment, I picked up, more out of curiosity then trying to rekindle anything. He told me that, unbeknownst to me back in 2018, he went to our Moral Theology teacher (yes- private catholic school) to ask for advice because he saw how much pain I was in and he did not know how to help me. Instead of this teacher, a literal adult, going to our schools counselor, my mother, or even me and addressing this 17 year old boys concerns about ME, he told him that he should just give me space because of the mental weight of the tragedy I was living through. His advice to this boy was to essentially isolate me. Looking back, I do feel bad for this boy. He tried so hard to do the right thing for me but didn’t have the right directions. And on the other hand I am so mad at the teacher because that was the worst advice he could have ever given ever. Thanks! Real talk though, I loved that boy and he always meant the world to me. We didn’t keep in touch afterward that 2020 conversation but I kept tabs on him through mutual friends and he always listened to my music on Spotify. He went through a tough time and he committed suicide in 2022. I really do miss him and wish things were different for all aspects of his story, my story, and what might have been our story. It felt wrong to exclude his memory in this post because he truly played such a crucial role and he meant so much to me even years later)

Back to 2018, after he abandoned me. I was completely and utterly alone. And now, I feared opening up at all to anyone because I didn’t want to be perceived as the burden I truly was. So I swallowed every once of trauma, depression, and anxiety so I was perceived as a functioning, fine, human being who didn’t need anyone to worry about her. I didn’t want anyone to worry or care for me because they thought I was fragile or broken because I now had proof that I would become too much to handle and that anyone would just leave me just as he had. And that was it. I smiled, I laughed, I spent the next year completing every senior year milestone and graduated high school. And I didn’t feel one emotion. I was fine.

Summer 2019 was when things started to shift a bit and here’s where I think the foiling begins. For one, Dan had just released Basically, I’m Gay and he started to live his truth being out of the closet. I truly don’t want to nor feel like I can comment anymore on this topic because that was his own personal journey and I don’t want to speculate on anything he said. He did so quite clearly and explicitly. But the point I am making was that in the middle of 2019, he began living his truth. This one thing he didn’t talk about that is so quintessential to his character was now a public part of him and he got to experience that joy of being out. There was a shift in his character, anyone who watched his video could tell, he was happy, he seemed excited. He went to pride, did promotional videos, and he just seemed like he was living in a brighter light. It was beautiful to watch and I’m grateful he let us share in those moments of joy with him.

Before I get too deep into this section, I want to preface and state that I do not remember large chunks of time between 2018-2021. All the trauma and depression have made me forget nearly everything, and it’s a very weird sensation to have little to no memories of 3/4 years of time. I can recall general feelings and most memories I can see are from a third person pov so I can see what was happening, but I see it happening to me, not me actually experiencing the memory.

For me, summer 2019 meant leaving for college. Now, in hindsight, I made a major error. I was going to the same college my brother had been at before he died. I don’t know what I was thinking or why I thought it was a good idea but the school gave me money so I would have been a fool to take on more student loans than necessary, plus, I knew I wanted to transfer the next year and move half way across the country so I had an end goal in sight, just had to get through the year.

I also started to go to church again. There was a cute little church about a half mile down from my school so it was an easy walk. I don’t consider this change/new addition a mistake, but I do often wonder what was I thinking exactly. I don’t recall my exact process but remember two dueling trains of thought. For one, I still 100% felt weird about religion/God because I blamed myself for my brother dying because I wasn’t praying enough and wasn’t good enough to save him. But on the other hand, I did not feel right to never enter a church again and a part of me wanted to return because it felt like the right thing to do. I spent my entire formative years at a private catholic school. I knew all the prayers, scripture, the saints (I was confirmed taking St. Rose Philippine Duchesne), and my senior year religion class was dedicated to teaching us how to explain/teach the faith to non-believers. And I believed in all of it! I had faith, so how could I not be going to church. Call it guilt, or whatever you want to call it, but I couldn’t turn my back on the church after everything I had learned so I went back. It was the truth I believed in and the truth I wanted to live by. I told myself that eventually I would just feel better, I’d continue to pray to heal and keep going through the motions until it stuck. At this point, I had fully embraced the void I was living in. I accepted that I was depressed, I accepted that I was depressed long before the trauma began so I was battling undiagnosed depression alongside the after effects of the trauma, and I accepted that I am an incredibly anxious person. That was alot for an 18 year old to take in but I finally accepted what my truth was. I admit it and that’s the first step right? I know I am mentally ill so I started some therapy, and I continued going to church and praying because every thing I read and was told said those were the best things I could do to help myself. So things could only get better from here, right?

Not necessarily. The end of 2019 flew by and before we knew it we were in the throes of a global pandemic. Within 3 months in 2020, my parents divorced (finally), my grandmother died from the same cancer that my brother had which was sick was twisted if you ask me, and my mom, little brother, and I moved half way across the country. Oh and I transferred colleges in all that too. Besides every single bad thing we experienced, moving was supposed to be our new start. A new place, new schools, new adventures. No longer living in the state with every bad memory we had or the house we essentially grew up in. It was new and fresh, almost the perfect situation to start a mental health journey in, besides the recent trauma I still don’t think I have processed fully and a global pandemic. I just thought I would be getting better.

I remember the part of We’re All Doomed when Dan mentioned 2019 being so important because he started to live his truth and I felt so similarly. I thought once I accepted what was going on in my head I’d feel better. But then 2019-2021 for both of us seemed to be one of our worse times mentally, which is oddly terrifying because of the emphasis that was present on wanting to feel improved.

Between 2019-2021, I struggled with the concept of existing. I did not understand why I was here and others weren’t, what I was meant to do, and why I was meant to do it. I didn’t want to exist. I simply didn’t have the energy. I couldn’t conjure up emotions, nothing real anyway. I just felt nothing. I never felt suicidal, never did anything to harm myself, never wanted to. I knew and continue to know that I never wanted to die. I really just wanted to feel quiet, numb, not of the earth and those are very scary feelings. I could barely put them into words for when I talked to my therapist but I tried, but all she could tell me was to find distractions for myself. Distract, distract, distract, well that’s all I’ve been doing and I don’t feel better. I listened to music, wrote music, talked to my mom, pray, do my class work, scroll through social media, but what then? When alls said and done, the music is off, the conversation is over, the work done, the phone turned off, I was left with myself and I didn’t even recognize her. My mom said she saw a light in my eyes she hasn’t seen in a while but I had no idea what she was talking about. Whatever was on the outside wasn’t being transferred to the inside because I didn’t even know who was staring back at me in the mirror. I just knew she didn’t want to be here anymore. So what now?

When Dan showed us the calendar with the little emoji emotions over the days of the month, I swear my heart stopped for a moment because it reminded me of what I started doing for myself during that same time period, that very same year he was referring to in the show. I had downloaded this app, Hallow, it’s a catholic prayer app. Scripture, guided prayers, saints stories, the whole nine yards. I liked the little guided prayers. Helped me focus I guess. And every night I’d ask for the same thing. To feel better. To be healed. It also had a little section where you could track your mood for the day so I started doing that everyday. I wasn’t thinking too hard about it I just hit the emoji I felt and moved on. Until I started noticing a pattern of hitting, sad, anxious, worried, or unsure. Soon enough I had months upon months, just days filled with those same emojis. When I actually took a step back, just like Dan did, to stare at how my months were covered in little sad emojis it broke me more than I thought it ever could. Was this all that was left for me? Days that left me feeling dejected and dark? Why wasn’t anything I was doing enough to make me feel better, to make me feel something for my life, for this world around me. Every night pleading the same questions to God, why, why, why? Just begging to be healed.

One day in 2021, I felt hopeless, I was tired, drained, and I truly did not know what to do. I just wanted to feel. So I stopped begging God to fix me and I started talking instead. And I talked and talked about everything and nothing all at once. I told Him about my day and what had happened. I told Him about the little anecdotes, my classes, the walk I went on. I told Him what I felt during the day, the big feelings and the little feelings. As I recounted my day and all the little details, I know it sounds ridiculous, but I felt lighter. For the first time in a long time, I was not focused on the big scary black hole of my mind, the void, I spent time talking about what my day had looked like and what I knew was on my schedule for tomorrow. It grounded me. And it was just that. I wasn’t focused on the void, I was focused on the living I was doing despite the void and there was something beautiful about that realization I have never been able to put into words until I watched Dan’s show. God was not not healing me because I did not deserve it or because I was so helpless, for it was only when I was at my lowest that I let myself let go and speak freely outside the confines of asking for the same thing over and over again without changing my mindset. It was only through those open ended conversations that I found and was confronted with the events of my life, no matter how big or small. The void, my depression, my traumas, whatever I want to call them, they are always going to exist, they are a part of my and I can’t change anything about that. But my life, my 24 hours a day, that time will pass regardless of if I choose to dwell on the darkness or not, so might as well spend my time enjoying the light that clearly exists as well. So that is what I started to do.

It is a choice that I have to make each day when I wake up. To decide to be an active participant in my life rather than a passive bystander. But like all things, it’s an attitude that can be learned, adapted, and over time it did not feel like a chore to make that choice, but a pleasure. For once, I started to look forward to the future and excited for what I could do. I found a church where I could attend mass so I would stop sitting in my room and watching online, I started to push myself to make plans outside my comfort zone and learned to not just like my own company, but enjoy the silence of being alone. The one project I am particularly proud of is my second Instagram account dedicated to romanticizing my life. Everyday, for now nearly 2 1/2 years, I have posted a photo on that account of the places I’ve been, clothes I’ve worn, and experiences I have been on. It’s my own personal photo diary proving that I have been living and that I will be continuing to live.

Photos and daily reflection have been the cornerstone of my improvement which was why that segment of Dan’s show impacted me so greatly. Each small clip he shared was probably only a second or so long but each moment held such great joy and emotions that could not be contained. It was and will continue to be a reminder that there will always be moments of joy and moments of happiness that will exist even in the face of adversity, we just have to work to see them, and choose to accept them as our own. Some days can certainly be harder than others, but after years of feeling nothing but the heavy weight of despair, even just the memories of joy are enough to encourage me to move forward. I’m alive for a reason and I believe and trust in God’s plan for me, so I choose and, now, feel empowered to continue on.

Dan was right when he said that we are all doomed. And there is this void in my life that I have learned to embrace and not just ignore. But this life was not meant to be survived, but to be lived. And I, now, have the courage to choose to live everyday.

Thank you to @danielhowell for sharing a part of yourself with the world. For creating a show that encourages us to acknowledge every part of our lives, the good, the bad, the ugly, and to show the importance of embracing every aspect of our lives while we continue our journey. Thank you for encouraging me to share my story and my journey through mental health. I have never shared my story like this before and it has been an unbelievably cathartic experience and I feel renewed in my promise to continue to choose to live.

Thank you🖤

#dan and phil #dnp #daniel howell #dan howell #danisnotonfire #dan and phil renaissance #we’re all doomed #embrace the void #have the courage to exist #embrace life #finding purpose #catholic #catholiscism #mental health #mental illness #how to be a human being #we aren’t alone #thank you

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owlight · 1 year

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Hiii, Owl!

If it isn’t a problem, could I ask for this type of post for Brook with a f!reader, please?

If you don’t feel comfortable writing for him being a skeleton, it can be about alive!Brook: it’s the same for me.

Thanks 🫶🫶🫶

😔🫶 It's not a problem, you got it,I was going to make it alive brook but i made it way too sad in the end....So u get the normal brook who still got a very alive s/o , sorry it's short

Warnings: simping for brook

Brook with a s/o who's a simp for him

You're both simps for each others, I'm not gonna lie the crew is tired of you both ,please Chopper is a part of the crew 😔

The funny thing is you are the only person in existing that agreed to show him your panties,He died-Not really cuz he is already dead, but you know your boldness what attracted him to you ,you aren't scared to show your feelings toward him

He is somewhat surprised that you are finding him this charming even though he is a skelton that if he can be honest with himself..but he won't tell you that ofc

You are always so affection with him ,it make his...unbeating heart just go wild , you're such a precious person,he loves you sm

He love that you match his energy in flirting together, sometimes even begin worst than him

"hey you know there's a 206 bone in my body... would you like to make it 207?" You joke to him out of the blue,He stares down at you not answering you

"yo..get it , it's because you are-AY BROOK ARE YOU OKAY?" Brook seem to pass out from his Prevert fantasies that you just brought to his head,his soul is chilling above him , everyone in the crew is Looking at you both ,Why do you have to do everyday...

He appreciates your simping for him,he write love songs for you and sing for you as you sit next to him , both chilling together..it's precious fr

He is bit not so chill with the fact that you would risk your whole life and self to save him sometime,he want to be your Knight in shining armor,not the opposite

But is absolutely Smitten whenever you go out of your way to defend him and Always make sure he is safe..you really got him so in love with you after Everytime you help or save him from danger

DO not ask him to marry you as a way of flirting..he will take it serious, actually you're both married, Officially,Hope you like the ring he brought you ,He doesn't wear one but it's the thoughts that count

You're both a bit of a chaotic Couples but it's still kinda admirable to watch ,No one really have a clue how you both ended up together but hey if it mean Brook stop asking other women for Thier panties then it's a win to everyone

#one piece #one piece x reader #one piece headcanons #one piece fanfiction #soul king brook #brook x reader #strawhats

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sagau-my-beloved · 2 years

Text

Headcanons about Venti with God reader:

Warnings: general Sagau, yandere behavior, non descriptive violence, and heavy codependency

• He is quite literally the clingiest thing in existence

• Any day where he spends more time with you than anybody or anything else is a good day for him

• He needs to be constantly touching you or he is going to die

• It doesn't matter how, hands interlocked, arms around each other, him on your lap with his head buried in the crook of your neck—

• He experiences almost what's equivalent to withdraw symptoms without enough physical affection

• He basically considers you to be his life blood at this point, he really doesn't know how he made it without you for so long

• He gets really fidgety, can't focus on anything, nothing occupying his head except you, and at the worst stage he will visit every place you have even stepped foot in once in order to find you

• And when he does, oh boy

• You're not going to be getting anything done for the next few hours because you're going to have to deal with a clingy Archon basically glued to your side

• "You were soooo hard to find my love, it was horrible," he whines as he pulls you closer, "Please please please tell me where you're going next time, I can't stand to be without you."

• Of course it annoys the absolute hell out of everyone

• Both from jealousy and the fact that you're not able to focus on more important matters, but it's mostly jealousy

• He will do pretty much anything and everything you could ever possibly ask for

• I mean, you are his God, you must have a good reason for asking

• And that's basically the principle he lives on

• "Of course your grace! Anything! Anything and everything you want." he loving says as he holds your arm tighter, "Please tell me, please?"

• He kind of wants to prove himself as being worthy of your attention, so if he ever overhears you asking somebody else for something, he's not going to shy away from getting it done first

• "Ehe, so I overheard you need to this, but Zhongli really didn't sound like he had it covered..." Venti trailed off, holding a few very shiny pieces of archaic stone, "Do you need more? I'd love if you gave me the opportunity to get it for you!"

• "Venti I asked for that like 15 minutes ago, how—"

• He also constantly, and I mean constantly dedicates songs and poems to you

• He is still a Bard, he's got a reputation to maintain

• Along with that, you can request any song you would like

• That includes both every song that has ever existed in his world, and whatever you have taught him from yours

• And "taught" is a bit of a stretch too

• More like offhandedly mentioned liking, and then after he hounded you for any information on it, proceeded to study and practice until he felt like he got it perfect enough to present to you

• Dedicating his talents to you is one of his favorite forms of worship

• So it doesn't really matter if he's played over a hundred songs and his fingers are starting to ache from the strings, if you seem happy he's not going to stop until you ask him to or he physically can't play anymore

• He loves taking you outside of where you're staying too

• He prefers to be outside in nature by default anyway, hating the feeling of being trapped in a building for too long, so one of his favorite things to do is to drag you out somewhere beautiful where there isn't anyone else

• Dandelion fields as big as lakes, actual lakes with moss and low hanging trees that just barely touched the water, up high where you can feel the wind blowing through your hair

• He knows that you have important business to attend to and that you can't be off with him all the time, but he still tries to steal you away as often as possible

• "Hello there my muse, you know you haven't been outside in quite some time," he's sporting a mischievous smile, obviously wanting nothing more than to just scoop you up and run out the closest door (or window really, he can control wind, it'll work out)

• He wants your favor more than anything else in the world, and as such, has a tendency to get relatively jealous when that favor is shown to somebody less worthy (anybody but him)

• None of that negative emotion is directed at you of course, he could never direct any negative emotions towards you

• There are certain times where he does cross a line though

• Brushes something that he did off with a joke and a light hearted demeanor

• Maybe unintentionally undermines something but you have specifically directed him not to do

• "Well, you did say I couldn't do anything that would hurt anyone, but not helping someone that happened to stumble off of a particularly high hill because of the wind doesn't exactly fall on me."

• "Venti, you control the wind—"

• When things like that do happen, the worst punishment you could possibly give him would be to ignore him

• It absolutely breaks him, not getting any acknowledgement from you

• And he won't hesitate to beg for it

• Won't hesitate to drop to his knees and beg for you to do, say, anything at all

• You yelling at him would be leagues better than this

• He would also gladly accept you hurting him as a punishment because it comes from you

• He'll probably try to make up for this lack of talking by just being close to you

• You can try to shake him off, but there's very little that can deter a desperate touched starved god

• But you have to be careful when deploying the silent treatment method cause he will get hysterical if you keep it up long enough

• Honestly, he'll probably crack within less than a day

• At that point he'll just be crying for you to do anything, it will take quite a bit of comfort and attention for him to calm down from that

• He does act childish sometimes, but it's really only around you

• He's still a God, he can still be just as cruel and uncaring as all the others when faced with someone who disrespects you

• Like all of the others, he believes that your honor is of the utmost importance

• Words float farther than most people realize, and he can hear anything on the wind

• So if somebody who was disrespecting you suddenly finds that they have an arrow in their arm, that's none of his business

• It would probably be a lethal shot too, if not for the hell he knows he would face if you ever found out

• And of course you're going to find out, you're the creator

• I could probably go on forever about every single little thing because my love for him knows no bounds, but this has gotten way longer than I ever anticipated already

• If you want anything on this list expanded upon or any other aspect not added, please please please send in a requests

• And, in conclusion, you are now the owner of a very short and feral Archon who needs physical affection more than air

• So have fun with that

#yandere genshin x reader #genshin venti #genshin impact #sagau #yandere #yandere venti #headcannons

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lenavis · 2 years

Text

content warning: suicide

(i want to preface this by saying that none of this is representative of my current mindset and that i am in a much better place these days)

there are few pieces of media, if any, i've interacted with that have come close to addressing the topic of suicidal ideation more accurately than disco elysium.

it's a strange sort of state to occupy, because the truth is that more often than not it is incredibly mundane. there are fits, yes. there are times at which things seem nigh unbearable because you are trapped inside the ordeal of being you, existing as you, continuing as you-- and that is the worst part, truly. realizing that there is no escape from the purgatory of your own id. very much the embodiment of harry drunkenly screaming "I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS KIND OF ANIMAL ANYMORE" and bellowing like a "wounded boar" as he trashes his hotel room.

not "this type of person". "this type of animal". like recognizing your own sickness as a kind of genus and species that you have been condemned to. taxonomy is strict and absolute. you don't want to be this kind of animal anymore. and though you comprehend logically that you're not just an animal-- you're a human, and thus have the capacity to heal or regress or otherwise transmute yourself from the baseness you perceive in yourself-- it is often difficult to see yourself as anything other than a lashing, ugly beast that knows no divergent nature.

yes. there are moments of intense emotion. cinematic scenes in which you feel as though you can't control yourself and often find yourself alienating or terrifying the people closest to you. but the bulk of suicidal ideation is more a whisper than a shout.

it's just constantly there. harry opens the compartment in his ledger and finds the old postcard, and the words appear in his head casual as any passing thought: "fucking kill yourself asshole". he talks to someone-- anyone, really: you can muse to a pawn shop owner, who has no idea how to respond, that you probably should have killed yourself by now. you can tell a pair of four year old twins that suicide is in fact, ok, and that it's likely in your future. it's always so offhand. it's always wildly inappropriate, but when you get to a certain point, that begins to matter less and less.

there are thoughts that you can internalize in this game for point buffs and perks. some of them have drawbacks, like lowered logic, conceptualization, etc. the thoughts revolve around a variety of topics, including communism, cryptids, your ex wife, inexplicable feminist agendas, etc.

there is a thought called: finger on the eject button. here’s the text that pops up when you begin internalizing it:

Who doesn't toy with the thought of suicide sometimes? Or, like, most of the time? Okay, maybe some people don't – like the happy scientist girl named Marie, or Jean-Marc, the superstar whom everyone loves. But you -- when the going gets rough, it's nice to think about your little trap door out of here. Do it. Put your finger on the eject button, see how alive it makes you feel -- the freedom of finality. Think of how much they'll *miss* you.

and here's the text that pops up when you finish internalizing it:

Looks like you thought about how much they'll *miss* you and the freedom of finality for too long, and now you've decided to actually kill yourself. The train leaves the station every evening, 21:00. Make sure you have a gun and bullets. That's how macho servicemen do it. Also – turns out *Finger On The Eject Button* is pretty much your theme song. A headbanger from your teenage years and your wedding ballad. This is not the first time you're spinning the tape.

after you internalize this thought, you don't get any perks or cool features or detractors. instead, you are presented every night with a suicidal thought before you go to sleep.

the text for the thought and the ensuing consequence are so accurate to how it really feels that when i found this option i had to turn the game off for a little while. because it captures it painfully well. the element of spite and self-righteousness. the vague blueprints of how you might do it. the constant drumming of it in your head, persistent as raindrops on the roof of a car.

the terrifying comfort that when the going gets bad... you can just go.

it's possible to kill yourself in this game, if you hit a particular scenario and fail certain checks. you're given the option to put a gun in your mouth while standing in a cafeteria of incredulous onlookers, and when you do so it is an action completely formed by impulse. it's not prefaced by a long train of suicidal thoughts or any kind of prologue. just. there's an opportunity to bite the barrel. so you do it. you taste the tang of metal on your tongue and you hear the spring creak-- and you can pull the trigger. the game over screen pops up. congratulations. you finally did it. your reward is nothing.

i was in a bad state when i played disco elysium for the first time. playing it felt like smashing myself into a glass slide and slotting myself under a dissection scope. there i was, transparent as an amoeba with all its pulsing organelles visible and open to scrutiny. therein lie the mechanisms that i could not perceive as they ticked in myself.

#not sure if this is all that coherent but i wanted to jot it down bc this part of the game really affected me #anyway... uh... good game. highly recommend it #disco elysium #my writing

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sweetsungie · 1 year

Text

the silence between two special songs | h.j | part 4

pairing: souncloud! jisung x reader (ft. dancer! hyunjin)

genre: college au, childhood friends to lovers, fluff, angst, mature content, fwb, mutual pining, unrequited love, rapper jisung, english major reader

series: the silence between two special songs

word count: 22k

warnings: cursing, fluff, total angst fest, marijuana use, smoking, a lot of making out, jealousy, mentions of sex, oral (f. receiving), teasing, dirty talk (???), slight dry humping, heartbreak, toxic situationships :(

synopsis:

falling in love with someone was one of the best and worst things a person could do. you'd remember the first time your heart skipped a beat at the sound of their voice and how perfectly their lips fit into yours. you'd remember how they encapsulated every single fiber being within you that you could no longer breathe when you were around them; likewise, you didn't want to.

you'd remember all the good things about them.

but then you'd remember the first time it ached knowing that they cared about you, but not enough. how they loved you, but not the way you wanted them to.

not the way you wanted hyunjin to.

and not the way jisung wanted you to.

•°. *࿐

a/n: this was such a hectic couple of weeks ughhh!!! i hope you guys enjoy this chapter though, a lot of heartbreak and angst and feels and ahhhhh :’(

as always though, the series spotify playlist is linked below so listen as you read, if you can (i’ve updated with skz replay 2022 hehe)

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ

comment to be a part of the taglist <3

masterlist

series playlist

You believed that loving him was like chasing after the clouds.

“We never made it, did we?”

You knew it was impossible, but you still craved it, just for the excitement, the thrill it gave you; for the feeling of adrenaline coursing through your veins.

But after a while, you realized it was pointless.

Absolutely pointless going after something that was completely out of your reach.

It was scary to find someone that made you happy.

You would start giving them all your attention because they were what made you forget everything and consume anything. And for a split second—that felt like forever—you would find yourself realizing that everything bad in your life had disappeared.

They would be the first person you would want to talk to in the morning and the last one before you slept, just so you could start and end your day with a smile. It all sounded great to have that someone, but it was scary to think about how easily they could just leave and take that happiness away with them.

But still, it was the best thing in the world and you wouldn't trade it in for anything else.

“Fuck Hanji—” You sobbed, back arched, nails digging, and fingers gripping into the sheets below you. This had to be your fourth orgasm of the night—no, maybe fifth. Who knew? You honestly weren't keeping track anymore.

All you knew was that this shouldn't be happening… again.

Jisung’s voice was muffled. “Mhm I know baby, let it out.” He peered up from in between your legs, watching you unfold before his very eyes into a blissful contracting high, over and over, all because of his mouth. “Let me know how good I’m making you feel.”

He, out of all people, knew that he really should not be doing this.

He shouldn’t keep coming back to you—not like this. Not when he had his heart delicately worn on his sleeve and you were the one to play with it.

Words suddenly didn't seem to exist anymore as you struggled to keep your trembling legs apart. Ultimately you failed, nearly trapping the boy’s head in between your thighs as you rolled over to your side.

And although Jisung should’ve been regretting it, scolding himself to stop after the first time he made you finish tonight, he couldn't keep a smug smirk from forming on his lips. He lifted himself up to watch you fucked out, eyes shut.

Sure, he was used to it by now. But he could never get tired of the view.

He rolled you so you were wholly on your back again, your body limp as you were still in the process of regaining any sense of strength you had. Lowering himself onto his forearms, he leaned himself slightly onto the top of your chest, upper bodies pressed together. Like always, he wanted to feel you closer.

Kissing you gently at first, soft skin gliding over softer skin, he pulled your lower lip between his, drawing on it slightly. “Another?” His warm breath blew across your cheek, a hungry look in his eyes.

It should’ve felt like you've both done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, maybe even stole some candy from a kid—but as his embrace became more heated, his hand clasping around your neck and stroking up and down until he felt you relax—it felt like complete bliss.

You shuttered so easily against his touch. The barest tip of his tongue moved forward to tease your upper lip. You welcomed him, and he began to explore your mouth with purpose, catching you almost unaware.

The lack of words from you was what caused his hand to wander. It trailed down the side of your waist, down your hips, and right in between your legs again before grazing a finger against your wet, throbbing bud.

You moaned against him, your hips lifting from the contact. It was ridiculous how needy you had gotten within the past few weeks. Ever since you had gotten a taste of what a real orgasm felt like, you just couldn't stop.

Partly because it felt so good in it by itself, and partly because, well, it felt so good that you seemingly forgot about all your worries.

Ever since break had begun, there had been a constant routine in place.

You’d wake up, think about Hyunjin, go on your morning walk, read, take a nap with a random movie playing in the back, think about Hyunjin some more, read again, and get into bed.

Then, you’d end up not being able to fall asleep. So, you’d spend some time on your phone—an hour, maybe even two. Just long enough until you’d run out of applications to fornicate with, ultimately leading you to think about Hyunjin again.

What was he doing? What did he wear today? Did he have a good day? A bad one?

It was embarrassing, pitiful, and pathetic and all you wanted to do was shame yourself in the mirror because of how utterly miserable you were acting over a boy.

So later you’d result in texting Jisung, and bother him until he’d understand what was going on with you. He had mastered the language of ‘girl’ after spending his whole life dealing with you.

And because of that, he’d end up calling you even though he was flooded with work right next door at his desk and was too lazy to get up and talk to you in person.

You’d always let it ring twice—sometimes two and a half just because you didn't want to seem too desperate for what you had in mind.

"I'm bored," you’d sigh dramatically.

He would simply laugh as his heart quickened, mind running back and forth between yes, no, yes, no, until he was stuck on yes as if some malware had corrupted his system. A beautiful, yet dangerous virus.

After what happened the first night, you had told Jisung multiple times that he didn't need to do this anymore. You felt bad because it seemed like he was just doing this for you.

When you made the first move, he was hesitant and overly nervous.

"Are you sure?"

He paused for a second before nodding his head. "Yes,” and he told you honestly. He had made a contract with himself before even entering your room that he’d forget the consequences—just this once. He could have everything.

He’d insist and tell you that he didn't mind—that if you needed to release your stress, he could help you. And because of this, it didn't help that he seemed to be feeding into your addiction. You had no choice but to believe it.

So now, if it wasn't for the sudden discomfort you felt against his fingers, you would've kept going to have your next climax—because you needed it, and because you wanted it.

But it would all happen again tomorrow, right?

Wincing from the overstimulation, you pulled away from his swollen lips slightly. “Mm—I don’t think I can go again.” Your pelvis was growing sore and the space between your legs began to ache.

He nodded, his mouth moving against the surface of your skin for a few moments more before halting his movements. He lifted himself, falling over beside you with a sigh.

Turning to look at him, you took in his flushed-out face. “You want next?” You asked, beginning to reach for the waistband of his sweatpants before he stopped you.

He shook his head, eyes closed with sleep. “No, that’s okay.”

“Are you sure? I feel bad.”

“Don’t feel bad.”

“Easy for you to say. You never let me go down on you,” you huffed out. “I feel like it’s not fair.”

It was true. Based on the laws of orgasms between more than one person, it wasn't fair. Everyone involved should be able to feel the sweet sensation of release. But Jisung felt like he didn't deserve that—especially not from you.

And it wasn't as if he hadn't lost all his self-respect already, he somehow managed to save the last shred of it by not letting your lips anywhere near his dick.

Surely, you both have had sex multiple times by now, with the two of you chasing your highs. And if he was lucky, sometimes he’d even finish twice. But something about the thought of you solely out to please him, and only him—He’d lose his mind once and for all.

Jisung was nothing but a humble servant. It was better this way for him. Opening an eye to glance over at you, he plastered a ridiculous smile onto his lips. “Don’t feel bad for abusing my skills.”

Your mouth fell agape and you slapped his chest. “Bitch, I literally just offered!”

His hands came up to shield himself, now fully awake. He laughed until you huffed out in playful frustration. “I just want to sleep with you, that’s all.”

“You can silly.” You engulf him in a kiss and he hummed, pulling away ever so slightly.

“But like in the innocent way.” He wasn't sure if you understood where he was going with this.

You groaned dramatically, a humorous smile forming on your lips. “You're so boring…”

“Oh, am I?” He raised an eyebrow, quizzically, and you nodded. “If I’m being honest, I was expecting you to get down on one knee while asking to give me head… so if anyone's boring, that’s all you.”

You paused for a moment. "Now, you're the stupidest person I've ever met. Did you know that?"

He let out a complacent laugh. "I get that a lot. Good thing you help me with my homework! But you love it, don't you?" He teased, taking a strand of your hair and twirling it around his finger.

Whatever. You rolled your eyes, "I don't know, do I?"

His phone sounded with his ringtone. "I sure hope so.”

As he turned over to your nightstand to grab his phone to answer it, you sat up, cringing at the big mess you made between your legs. You needed to shower quickly before Minho came home and hogged all the hot water.

He was finally coming back after a full week away for break. He had gone on vacation with his parents and cats and you couldn't wait to hear about it tomorrow.

“In the morning?” Jisung groaned slightly from beside you. He sat up, leaning to grab one of your plushies that found its way onto the ground, and lazily hugged it to his chest. “That’s so early… Yeah, yeah I know… Fine… I’ll see you then.”

And with that he hung up, tossing his phone down on the space in front of him. His expression screamed with slight annoyance and despair and you couldn’t help but teasingly question him over it.

“What's with the face?” You chuckled, tossing on a shirt.

“I have to go to the studio tomorrow at like seven in the morning,” he exhaustingly hurled his head back onto a pillow.

Immediately your eyes brightened and you hopped back onto the bed beside him. “I wanna go!”

For the past couple of days since break had begun, Jisung, Chan, and Changbin had been trying to rent out a spot at a studio to record and plan for their third mini album.

This was a big deal for them because they were never able to do it in any other place besides their small studio setup at their houses. So they did a lot of research and were slowly trying to expand their resources.

Jisung looked at you with the utmost confusion ever, “Did you miss the part where I said it was at seven in the morning?”

“So what? That means we get an early start to our days!”

Now he was really fucking confused. “Let me get this straight. You—Y/N—wants to get an early start to your day? It must be opposite day.”

Your jaw dropped, “What do you take me for? I can get up early.” He gave you a look that screamed with ‘in your dreams.’ It made you scoff at his audacity. “You really underestimate me.”

He lightheartedly rolled his eyes, trying his best to fight an amused smile at your annoyance, “Hmm, I guess I do.” He could feel his face beginning to heat up and he mentally cursed himself out for it. “Either way, the answer is no.”

"Why?"

He paused for a moment, thinking. "Because you talk too much it’s distracting."

You raised your eyebrows and pointed at yourself. "Me? I’m the one who talks too much?"

He nodded in response, just to get you worked up for his own personal enjoyment. And it worked considering you glared at him for a couple of seconds.

“Jisung, you and I both know that you’re the one who never shuts up.”

“Woah, now I’m just offended.”

“How?”

“Because you make it seem like it's a bad thing Y/N.”

“Well, that's because you made it seem like it too—You know what? Never mind, I don't wanna go anymore.”

If anybody heard you both, they would've assumed you were an old bickering couple.

He bursted out laughing and kept trying to reach for you—trying to touch you to apologize. You had to tell him to stop many times until you relentlessly gave up. "I’m sorry," he cheekily grinned, poking the fat of your cheek, "Forgive me."

“Shut up, Han.” You swatted his hand away.

Placing a hand on his chest, he gasped. “Ouch, not the government.” After a moment, he exhaled loudly like he had been keeping in a breath for too long. "You know what?" He said to you. He slid his fingers through yours and squeezed your hand.

"What loser?" You were still kind of mad at him.

"You're my favorite person.”

He felt you laugh a little and it made him smile.

"Oh yeah? Out of how many people?" You asked.

"All of them babe,” he winked. “So, fine, you can come.” You squinted at him for a few seconds, suspicious of his sudden switch-up. “What?” He laughed, giving your hand another squeeze. “C’mon, I’ll buy you coffee and food too.”

“I feel like this is a joke and you're just trying to get my hopes up.”

“Definitely the case.”

You pushed him away from you, jokingly. “Fuck you.”

But when he brought himself back to you, touched your bare arm, and then cupped your chin, he turned your head to face him. “Kidding.” It felt as if the stars were dancing across his skin. "You can actually come. And if it helps I’ll give you kisses all over your face,” he proudly stated, lifting a finger, “but don't even dare try to nap on Changbin’s shoulder either, even though he has more muscles than me! You can only nap on mine… or the arm of the sofa.”

You laughed, shaking your chin from out of his grip. "Are you always so greedy?"

His eyes glinted, "With you, yes.” Easily, yes.

“Gross, Sungie. You made it sound real for a second,” you faked a gag. "But okay. I’ll go if you want me to so badly.”

The two of you didn't know what to call it, what was happening between you, but you both liked it. It felt silly and fragile and good.

Usually, he would’ve argued back but he’d let you have it just this once. “As aggravating as it is, I do.”

You laughed, “See, this is why you're my favorite person, too, Ji.” You snuggled your head against him. “By a long shot.”

Silly, fragile. good, and everything else in between.

By the time you both needed to leave the next morning, it managed to take a lot of willpower in getting the both of you out of bed than expected.

It didn't help that you and Jisung were running off of only a couple of hours of sleep either, so the thought of ever getting out of the warmth of your sheets was pushed far back in both of your minds.

But soon enough, you realized that someone had to take one for the team and get up first, or else neither of you would ever make it. Yet every time you mustered enough energy to attempt to get up, Jisung would always pull you right back in into the warmth of his embrace.

And of course, you had no other choice but to let your body fall into his control.

This was why the both of you were an hour late.

As expected, Chan lectured the both of you when arriving—more so Jisung, since the older boy didn't have the heart to blame you entirely for his friend’s laziness. Although, he knew in reality you were all the more reason for it.

“I told you that we should’ve said six instead of seven,” Changbin butted in from where he was seated. “If we did, he would’ve come right on time.”

Jisung flicked him off, “Shut up. This isn't even fair because you live with Chan. If you were me you would’ve overslept too.”

Changbin mocked him in a childlike manner and Jisung nearly launched himself on top of him. This was normal behavior between the both of them so you and Chan simply laughed as a result.

Soon after the bickering ended (with Chan having to interfere of course), the boys finally began to work and you found a spot in the back where there were couches to catch up on some reading.

Despite the fact that you had read a lot during the break already, you had only been reading the book Hyunjin had given you. And you were nearly finished with it, but for some reason, you couldn't bring yourself to actually complete it.

This was why you were stuck reading some random book that you ordered online a couple of days ago now.

You weren't too sure as to how long they had rented out the studio for, but you had assumed it was for a good part day by the looks of it. A couple of hours had passed by now, with the three of them in and out of the recording booth. It was interesting at first watching the music process behind the scenes, but now you were starting to grow bored.

What did you expect though? They paid for this room so surely, they would be doing what they planned on doing which was working.

You sighed to yourself, flipping to the next page. Where was your free coffee and food? Maybe you should bother Jisung about it soon because he made a bold claim about it yesterday.

You looked up to watch him from where he was at. You could hear his light mumbles as he repeated the lyrics. He was sat across, his back facing you, and tapped his pen against the table whilst he made up a random tune to go along with it. You resisted the urge to let your eyes linger on him for too long.

Although you couldn't see it from where you were sat, his eyes traced his notebook as he lazily swayed himself in his chair. But you didn't need to see his face to know that he had a faint crease between his eyebrows as he focused.

And suddenly you felt something pool in between your legs at the thought. You imagined your mouth moving down to his neck and breathing in the scent of his skin so he would gasp. You imagined taking in the taste of him, running your hands down his chest, kissing your way across and down the line of his torso.

You tried to not make it obvious that you were openly studying him.

But ultimately, you failed as you suddenly felt a pair of eyes on you—and it was Chan’s. He had caught you staring and immediately after, your cheeks flushed red. Undeniably enough, he most definitely did not know the reason behind your stare, but still, you felt icky.

Why were you so aroused all the time? It was embarrassing.

You would have shaken your head if you could have found it.

"Alright, tell me what you think," Jisung said to the boys beside him, passing his notebook. It woke you up from your daze. He leaned back in his chair, spinning around in it briefly to face you and give you a quick smile.

But, looking at your flushed-out appearance, curiosity quickly washed over him as he wondered what had been on your mind.

The boys soon gave their input, agreeing with some of his additions. “But maybe you should ask Y/N. She has a fresh eye,” Chan suggested suddenly.

Jisung’s eyes widened slightly, at your name. He needed to stop getting flustered so easily. He was just unsure of where his friend was taking this so abruptly.

He took his notebook back, silently hoping that Changbin wouldn't agree with Chan.

“That’s true. Sometimes a new person could help,” Changbin added before turning back to look at you. “Y/N, come here real quick. We need your input.”

With a sigh, you stood up from where you sat and walked over to them. Jisung hesitantly passed you his notebook and a minute passed before you finished reading what he had wrote.

You were silent for a moment, reflecting.

"Hmm… I think," you said slowly as you leaned over to place his notebook in the space in front of him. His eyes followed your actions. "I think that you really can drive a person crazy by simply refusing to look at them. I like it.”

You were referring to a specific line you had read.

Jisung chuckled to himself softly, tracing his tongue lightly against the bottom of his lip. He turned around in his chair properly so his back was facing you again and he couldn't see you anymore.

His elbows now rested on the table as he sucked in against his teeth. "I suppose there isn't anything quite like being ignored by someone you have feelings for, huh?"

It was nearly two in the afternoon before you decided you were pretty close to disliking books. You had spent so much time today reading and pausing and reading and pausing—you were so tired of looking at pages.

You also didn't have any room to voice your complaints. You were the one who basically begged to go last night but now you were slowly starting to regret it. And sure, it would've been easier to just leave right then, by yourself, but a part of you wanted to prove to Jisung that you wanted to be there.

It was your stupid and really lame way of trying to show your appreciation to the boys because this was their first time in an official studio. But the clock was moving too damn slow, probably even slower than usual.

You sighed to yourself, throwing the paperback book onto the opposite side of the couch. That was enough of that. How much longer was this going to take…

“Alright, let’s take it from the top.”

It took everything in you to not groan loudly for everyone to hear you. Today wasn't about you and you had to keep reminding yourself of that. And it worked… for maybe another half an hour until you just couldn't take it anymore.

You picked up your phone and began to type away.

you: i’m bored

No response. You waited a few minutes before texting again.

you: like realllyyyyyyy fucking bored

Nothing.

you: han jisung

Okay, clearly, he was busy working right in front of you… but still. His phone at the very least should’ve lit up. Maybe he was on do not disturb. You were growing irritable.

You stood up, ever so abruptly, and walked over to him. You grabbed his phone that was facing down. He was too busy looking at whatever was on his laptop screen before shooting you a glance from the side.

“Yes?” He asked and stopped typing.

You unlocked his phone and placed it on his keyboard before walking back to the couch. Luckily the other two boys beside him were too busy on their own devices to pay attention to what happened.

It took a few seconds before your phone lit up with a text.

jisung: oh

jisung: me too

jisung: wanna cuddle?

You rolled your eyes still a bit moody but quickly typed nonetheless.

you: yes

jisung: wait

jisung: i was joking

you: oh

You paused briefly, unsure of what to say next. Now what.

jisung: fuck it lol

jisung: bathroom? 🫠

Your eyes glanced up from your phone, and Jisung casually stole a look at you before setting his phone back down. It was like you both knew what the answer was going to be. Almost immediately after, you stood up and told the boys that you were going to the bathroom.

You were very, very restless.

But the second you stepped out of the room, you realized that you didn't know where anything was. Maybe this would be the perfect time to reflect on your poor, polluted thoughts from earlier.

“Y/N?” A familiar voice suddenly called out.

You turned to the voice at the end of the hallway behind you, and soon after, you took a stumble backward. It was Seungmin and Hyunjin.

The same voice, which was Seungmin’s, spoke once more. “Thank God we found you! We’ve been lost for the past ten minutes walking around this building.” His hands carried two brown bags and he made his way to you. “Where are the boys?”

You were still quite startled by the sudden sight. Then everything processed once Hyunjin took his first step towards you. You looked absolutely disgusting right now. Your hair was a mess, your body was engulfed with a hoodie that was quadruple your size, and you probably still had morning face—you just didn't feel too good about yourself.

The two of them finally met you where you stood, frozen. “Oh—um… hey guys,” you coughed out. Gosh, you were making it so awkward.

“Hi,” Hyunjin waved at you with his usual dimpled smile. His hands were full as he held a cup tray of sodas.

“So, do you know where the room is?” Seungmin prodded, impatiently.

You swallowed, your eyes struggling to break away from admiring the long-haired boy. “Y-Yeah sorry. It’s just down there.” You pointed over at a door on the right side of the hallway.

Seungmin thanked you shortly after and headed towards the door. It took him a couple of seconds before he realized Hyunjin wasn't by his side but rather, still in front of you.

“You coming?”

Hyunjin looked over his shoulder, “Hm? Uh, in a sec. You can head in without me.” You could hear the ice in the sodas clink together as he turned back to face you.

The beanie Hyunjin wore prevented his hair from getting into his eyes. The color was periwinkle and it complimented his skin nicely.

Yeah, you definitely felt and looked like shit.

Silence followed subsequentially after Seungmin disappeared behind the studio door. You cleared your throat, “I didn't know you were back.”

His eyes brightened a bit when you spoke. Usually, he had to be the one to start the conversations when it came to you. “I came back last night.”

You nodded slowly, wanting to hear more about it. “How was home?”

“I mean, it was nice seeing my family and KKami,” he shrugged, “the weather wasn't too cold either, so that was nice.”

He paused, trying to think about what more he could say.

“... Ah—and I worked on my art a lot! I would love for you to see it.”

“Oh…” Your eyes grew slightly bigger at the second half of his response. “Me?” You were feeling like you didn't hear him properly.

“Yes! When you have time, of course,” he nodded giving you a warm smile. “But um… art aside, overall, I missed everyone a lot,” he proceeded to say regarding the conversation. He felt himself getting off track.

You wondered who fell under the category of everyone.

It had been so confusing these past few weeks with Hyunjin and you weren't too sure about what he was thinking. Maybe before you would have had an inkling, but now? You had no clue.

All you knew what that every time you looked at him you were sure of how you felt. You’d passed by each other and your heart raced and you were sure of how you felt. One day he was acting cute with you and the next it was awkward and you’d never speak.

“I’m sure everyone missed you too, Jinnie.”

It just made you unsure about everything on his end. He was never yours to begin with, but you couldn't live without him.

He laughed softly, “So does that mean you missed me then?”

You sucked in a breath, quietly, unsure of how to respond. Was he flirting? You weren't too sure if this was considered that. He was probably being nice… just like he was nice for inviting you to see his art.

Just as you were about to answer, the studio door opened, revealing Jisung.

His eyes instantly widened as he took in the view of the both of you, “Oh—um, sorry.” He suddenly felt bad for interrupting your time with Hyunjin. He quickly walked back into the room not bothering to wait for the both of you to respond.

You and Hyunjin both looked at each other for a moment before deciding to follow Jisung into the studio. Whatever was left of your slightly awkward conversation soon died out and suddenly you didn't need to go to the bathroom anymore now that Hyunjin was here.

Once entering, Seungmin was in the process of unpacking the food he had bought for everyone out of the bags. The smell alone made you want to smother him in a big hug because you were starving. You hadn't gotten a proper meal today yet because of how late you and Jisung were and there just wasn't any time for that beforehand.

By the time everyone sat and ate, the room was full of conversation. It seemed to be a mutual understanding between both you and Jisung that you both just weren't going to be needing the bathroom anymore anytime soon.

It was pretty obvious by how you sat beside Hyunjin and nearly laughed at everything he said.

Jisung was pretty sure that whatever it was that had you laughing so loudly every other minute couldn't have been that funny. He was a much better comedian than Hyunjin. Well, that's what he liked to believe anyway.

Soon enough everyone took the lunch break a bit too much to their leisure because Changbin was currently standing at the front of the room—with Chan by his side as his special assistant—in the middle of a game of charades.

This was obviously not the time for it, especially when the boys had paid money for this room to get work done. But a few games didn't hurt.

Changbin grabbed spun Chan around so everyone could see his back, and smacked his butt.

“Bin, you’re clearly mimicking Minho.” Seungmin blandly said immediately, which made everyone laugh. “Who else smacks ass?”

The boy sighed dramatically in defeat before plopping down on the couch. “You guys could’ve at least tried to act like it was good.” He took a long sip of his drink before speaking up, “Hyune, you’re next,” he called out. “Make it hard or else Seungmin’s going to win.”

Seungmin gave Changbin a quick sarcastic smile before directing his attention to his phone.

“I’m not good at this,” Hyunjin complained, laughing. He stood near the producing tables in an effort to somehow mimic one of the members of 3Racha someway. He was honestly just going to make it up on the spot.

Which he did… sort of. It was just really, really bad.

Changbin looked at the boy confused, “You need to be a little clearer than that my guy.”

“Take it easy on him,” Chan chuckled. “Just try it again Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin grabbed a pair of headphones from the table, not realizing that the wire had tipped over Jisung’s drink. It wasn't until his eyes caught a glimpse of the white cup on its side and sheets of paper starting to darken from the liquid seeping through it that he gasped.

"Oh shit!” He set the headphones back down and quickly picked up the cup hoping to prevent any more damage. But honestly, it was already too late.

Chan immediately stood up, speeding over to the scene. It took him a moment before he slowly lifted a notebook and looked over at Jisung who was busy listening to whatever nonsense Changbin had to say.

And as Jisung caught a glance at Chan’s expression, his lingering smile faded when he realized the notebook Chan had in his hands was his, except completely soaked with soda.

He shot up from his seat to see what happened and his heart almost broke at the sight. He saw his notebook—the one which housed literally every song from the past few years, ruined. There was no way this actually happened. He had to be dreaming.

“Hanji—Shit—I’m so sorry!” Hyunjin felt terrible.

Your eyes widened and you walked over to them to see what the commotion was about.

Jisung was completely silent. He honestly had no words. He was just overwhelmed with so many emotions and was afraid that if he did speak, he’d regret what would come out.

You gasped, as you watched him carefully go through the pages to see how much was destroyed. “Ji…” You knew how much this meant to him.

He sighed and closed his notebook, setting it right back down on the wet table.

And he walked out of the room.

Hyunjin’s face was pale, all the color basically sucked out of his face. This was all his fault, he thought. Why did he always have to go and ruin everything?

Chan swallowed, not knowing how to break the silence that overtook the entire room. He honestly never saw Jisung that angry before—neither have you. He was silent, not showing an ounce of emotion, and simply just left.

The tall boy began to panic. “What do I do? I fucked up—”

"It was an accident,” Chan sucked in a breath of air, picking up the notebook from the mess again and setting it off to a drier side of the table. He also knew how important this was for Jisung but he saw no point in shaming Hyunjin for it. It was already done. "Ahh... Binnie, can you grab some napkins? Let me go and check up on him.”

And you were about to offer to take his place and talk to Jisung yourself, but Chan already walked out of the room.

There was music that sounded loudly throughout the entire apartment.

It was nearly eleven at the night and soon enough your neighbors would start knocking at the front door because of it.

“What the fuck is he still on about?” Minho grunted as he stood up from the sofa. He was in the middle of trying to finish his show.

Your bedroom door was open so you glanced over at Minho from where you were seated at your desk, and watched him as he went and knocked on Jisung’s door.

Ever since the incident at the studio, Jisung had been so quiet—completely silent in fact. You felt like you were walking on eggshells around him for the first time in your life and it scared you because you never saw him like that before.

Usually, when he was upset, he’d get over it after a day or two. But now it had been almost a week since and you didn't know how to tackle it.

Sure, you’ve definitely been mad before—definitely too many times to count—but you always had him to help you out of it. He’d always suffocate you with hugs, bring you food, and refuse to leave your side until you cracked a smile.

But now that the situation was flipped, you weren't sure if acting all bubbly and joking around would help him feel better the way it had always worked on you.

Minho knocked again much more adamantly, “Jisung.” Still nothing. “We will get a noise complaint if you don’t turn your stupid music down.”

A few moments later, the music stopped and Jisung swung his door open. He brushed past Minho, who furrowed his eyebrows at the boy's borderline rude demeanor, and then proceeded to zip up his coat and put his shoes on by the door.

Where was he going?

Once he walked out, the apartment fell silent. You felt like a bystander, especially by the way you watched this all happen from your room.

If this was what he was like when he was mad, order would never be restored on Earth. There was no way.

The remaining boy, let out a loud breath, sitting back down on the couch and pressing resume. “I’m trying my best to give him the benefit of the doubt but…”

“I know,” you sighed. You understood where both of them were coming from. Jisung had been acting out irrationally ever since and it was so irresponsible. He hadn't even been replying to Chan or Changbin—so much so, they were worried and came over to check up on him.

But still, you felt sorry for him.

That was years of his hard work down the drain.

You grew worried about him now, wondering where he actually went. He probably shouldn't be alone out in public and you were afraid he’d get into trouble somehow. Maybe he went to the roof? You were name-dropping a few places in your mind, but the roof seemed like the most plausible option.

Standing up from your chair, you grabbed a hoodie and threw it on. Before leaving your room though, you made sure to grab the new notebook you had bought for him a couple of days ago. You weren't sure if he already had a new one by now, but you still wanted to give him it just in case.

You walked over to the front door to put on your shoes and Minho said, “Let me know when you find him.”

Of course, Minho was still upset with Jisung’s behavior, quite frankly he wanted to explode, but he was still his best friend. He knew that this was just his own way of coping with what happened.

You nodded, giving him a light smile before heading off to the rooftop of your building. You really hoped Jisung was there, frankly, you honestly had no other locations in mind that made sense.

He rarely went out and when he did, it was to his friend's houses. But since you already knew that he wasn't actively talking to any of them, that wouldn't be the case.

Once walking out of the elevator, you heard soft faded sounds of music playing from the farthest end of the roof. You smiled to yourself softly, quickly realizing that it had to be him.

You quietly walked over to him, sitting down beside him without a word. He was in the middle of taking a hit from his pipe, later blowing out the smoke. And now that you were there beside him, you honestly didn't know what to say. You didn't think that far ahead.

He glanced over at you, offering his pipe which you gladly accepted. You placed the colorful glass in between your lips as he lit the weed that was inside of it.

None of you said anything yet and for the first time, you felt an awkward tension arise between the both of you. You weren't good at consoling other people. It was just something that you struggled with your whole life.

So after taking a hit, you breathed out a simple, “I’m sorry.”

After a few more moments of silence, Jisung lightly scoffed. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“No, I’m sorry. You didn't deserve that,” you frowned. “How can I help?” He shook his head, releasing smoke into the cold air again. “Seriously, Ji I—”

His voice snapped and was much sterner this time around, “Stop it, Y/N. It doesn't matter anymore. It’s done and there's no going back now.”

You flinched at his tone and immediately his features softened once he realized.

“I…” He sighed. This was why he had been avoiding everybody. He didn't want to blow up or say anything that would make anyone feel bad. It would've made him feel even worse—seeing you now, made him feel worse. “I’m sorry. I really don't know why I’m like this.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not okay. I know I’ve been annoying and I feel like shit knowing I’m stressing everybody out,” he quickly refuted. “I feel terrible for feeling this way, but I’m upset. I can’t not be upset.”

Within these past few days, he had been going through trials and tribulations. He knew Hyunjin didn't do it on purpose so he couldn't be too mad at him about that. He was just upset. And it was stupid because he was upset at Hyunjin more for stealing your heart away than ruining all the work he had down for the past few years.

It annoyed him so much because of this.

Hyunjin stole you and now the only other thing Jisung had for himself—his music.

He took a deep breath to himself, feeling a bit lightheaded now from all the weed he had smoked.

And he guessed that was how a person knew they loved someone: when their heart ached; when their stomach dropped; when their lungs felt like they were caving in, just because of the thought of them with someone else.

You placed something on the faux grass that suddenly captured his attention: a new notebook. “I know that it may not have everything your old one had, likewise, it never will—but I hope that you could at least make new memories with it?” You suggested.

His quiet music still played from the speakers of his phone and he could've sworn to himself that the world was moving in slow motion. Any normal best friend would've gotten their grieving friend another notebook if that was the reason for the sadness. It’s obvious.

But, the gesture was too much for his heart to handle. Especially when he was this high. Especially when he was this upset about himself—and you—and Hyunjin—and life.

Immediately his heart rate increased. “I love you,” he blurted out.

You laughed sweetly, not paying attention to the weight of his words. “I’m glad you like it, Sungie.”

“Too much—I love you too much,” he continued, quietly this time.

You shoved his shoulder gently. “Quit it. You're making me blush.” You tried to make the conversation turn into something light-hearted. Something you hoped to help his mood.

But he was slightly feeling even worse. You weren't taking him seriously.

After talking with Chan that one night a few weeks back, Jisung had tried his best to get you out of his mind. But even still, he found himself thinking of you late into every night, hoping that there was a chance that you might’ve fallen asleep thinking about him, even for a second.

He found himself making lists in his head of what new things made you laugh every day, just so he could hear it more and more. He found himself unable to look away even when you were just carelessly reading a book; sometimes, especially then.

He could not erase your beauty from his mind, because the moment he'd look at you from that different perspective, he could not go back. After seeing you as beautiful, he could never again just look at you with indifference.

So he kissed you—without warning, without permission, without even deciding to do it but simply because he couldn't have done anything else—he kissed you.

He was in pain, hurting, and all he wanted to do was feel you—you were the source of quite literally everything good and bad in his life. And he needed that breath you were holding because it belonged to him, and he wanted it back. So much so that he kissed you deeply enough that as he fought for what was his, you forgot whose air you were breathing.

The smell of your hair, the taste of your mouth, and the feeling of your skin seemed to have gotten inside him, moreover, into the air all around him. You had become a physical necessity.

"Ji…" You mumbled against his lips.

You were on the roof with a beautiful boy, and he was trying to tell you that he loves you, but you didn't care to listen. He loves you, you know?

The formerly quiet music was now concealed by both of your loud breaths. Once he moved his mouth to suck onto your delicate neck, lightly biting, that's when you whimpered, unable to keep your composure.

Seemingly so, it affected him the same because he pulled you on top of him so you straddled his waist. He didn't like the space between you and him. He moved his lips against your jaw, and your chin, and painstakingly slow down the left side of your neck until he was kissing the hollow at the base of your throat.

"Jisung." You breathed out again, your eyes beginning to feel heavy from the sensual feeling between your thighs. You weren't expecting this to happen. He tugged at your hoodie, beginning to pull it off, but you jumped at the sudden contact of coolness hitting your exposed skin. "Shit– Ji, we can’t," you whispered, pulling your hoodie back down.

"Why not?" He asked.

“Because.”

He tilted his head up slightly to look at you, his hands continuing to explore underneath your hoodie. “Because?”

Seconds later, his lips hovered themselves against yours again, lightly brushing over them. He gave you the one thing that you wanted most. He made you feel desired. You knew it was wrong but the very thought of his hands gliding up against your bare torso and touching you made you blush in all the right places.

“Honestly I thought you’d participate more,” he hummed. You moved your hips against his very much clear hard-on and he bucked his hips. "Fuck." He caressed as much of you as he could reach and kissed you hard. Tightening every muscle in his body. He had to force himself to not go back downstairs and throw you on his bed.

So what if Minho saw?

He wanted to go slow with you, for his sake. But it was just so hard. He wondered if there would ever be a time when he’d actually need foreplay to get hard with you.

You let out a half-chuckle, amused by how affected he was. “I'd participate.” You stopped grinding your hips and pushed away his hair from his forehead, endearingly. "But not today.”

It didn't quite hit him that he had basically confessed that he loved you until he felt you try to move from off his lap. His grip around your waist tightened.

He wondered if it could be so hard for you to love him.

Maybe tonight wasn't the night for you to know that. Maybe someday he’d tell you again, but instead, he’d write it and put the message in a bottle and throw it into the ocean hoping it would somehow reach you when the timing was right.

“Can we just stay like this?” He asked, suddenly afraid to look into your eyes. “Please.”

You gave him a warm smile, nodding.

He bit the inner corner of his cheek and squeezed his eyes shut in hopes of it maybe stopping him from saying anything he’d regret tomorrow. He leaned forward, his head fitting perfectly in the crook of your neck.

“Could it really be so hard to love someone like me?” he repeated to himself.

Letting out a wisp of smoke into the air, he reopened his eyes.

“Perhaps, it is.”

You checked your phone briefly to see if Minho had texted you but all your eyes captured was the time displayed. You began to get lost in the ticking of the clock you had imagined in your head.

“It’s 11:11 make a wish,” you whispered, setting your phone back down. You wrapped your arms around his neck to hug him closer and squeezed him a little tighter.

“I’ve got mine,” Jisung replied instantly and you were too curious to keep yourself from asking what wish provoked such a quick response. “Can I tell you?” He questioned, wondering if sharing a wish truly kept it from coming true.

“I don't know, write it down in your new notebook and tell me in a month,” you offered.

“How about in 20 years?” He asked with a contagious smile that you knew was there although you couldn’t see it.

You rolled your eyes, laughing. “Sure, that works too.”

He lifted his head from your neck and pulled away slightly. He stared at you while you were in the middle of asking him if he had felt better now, but the look in his eyes made you pause, "What?" You asked self-consciously.

He shook his head lightly. "Nothing," he said, maddeningly. You scrunched your nose in distaste. "I just," he said slowly, carefully. "I just want to hang out with you my whole life. You know?”

You made your way to the art studio with your hands both carrying a coffee each and with a pastry bag hugged against your chest. It was raining and you probably looked ridiculous without an umbrella, but you didn't mind as you were on your way to see your man that wasn't your man but was at the same time.

It was complicated.

Surely, the both of you hadn't been spending nearly as much time as before. But, you had hoped that now that he had invited you back to the art studio, things could go back to how they were.

Finally arriving, you used your shoulder to push open the parted door of the art studio since your hands were clearly already occupied. As you opened the door, Hyunjin turned his head to meet you, and his pink lips automatically curved into a smile.

Then, it took him half a second before gasping at the sight of you basically drenched from the rain.

He quickly stood up from his stool to assist you, "Oh no!" He helped you by taking the coffee and pastry bag from your hands and setting them down on a nearby table. “Let me get you an extra sweater.”

“Hyunjin, it's okay,” you waved off. “I’m not cold.”

He shook his head not wanting to hear it. “No, no—you can get sick. Wait here, let me get it from my bag.”

It took him a minute before locating his extra sweater from his dance bag. He quickly draped it over your shoulders and your heart did that thing again. The thing where it sped up ever so instantly. You were entering dangerous territory by having his clothing encompass you like this.

It smelled too much like him.

He gave you a dimpled grin, "Thank you for bringing these. You really didn't need to… especially since you got soaked in the process."

You chuckled, “Don't worry about it. I hope the pastries survived.”

He passed you one of the coffees you had brought. "They should be okay.”

It didn't really hit you until now that you were back at the place where you kissed Hyunjin for the first time. It had been a while since it happened and you couldn't help but feel your mouth grow dry from the thought of reliving it.

You took a sip of the lukewarm drink and looked at him.

It didn't take long for you to see the boy of your dreams staring right back at you, with his smile so wide and bright. He held a big canvas in his hands, ready to show you, and you felt content. You felt secure and safe around him. And when he looked at you, he made you feel so whole.

And it was simple, really. You wanted the feeling.

The feeling where the world stopped and started all at the same time. You wanted to feel the rest of the world fade away when that one person was holding your hand. You wanted to know a pair of eyes in a crowd that saw only you. You wanted that warmth—the kind of love that filled every space within you and spilled out into the rest of your world.

Coloring it with hope. And love. And that feeling that only true love can awaken in a heart.

The feeling of being whole.

Although his look alone could make you feel an adrenaline rush like you were high off him, there was something about the way he watched you as you were busy observing his work. It was like you had years of artistic experience and it was your opinion that only mattered to him.

It was almost six in the evening and there you were, still sitting beside him on a stool while he explained what everything meant in his piece. It was exciting and meaningful and pure—it was him.

He stopped speaking for a second, noticing your sudden gaze on him. You were too busy in thought. You really couldn't pinpoint a single flaw on his face.

He let out a breathy chuckle, "If you’re looking for a way out, I can stop." He didn't take much offense in it as art could sometimes be boring after a while, but you shook your head rather swiftly in response.

"No! I’m awake,” you cleared your throat. “I was just looking at you," you confessed bluntly.

He laughed loudly, his head dipping back slightly. "You're cute."

“You’re cute too.”

"I guess we make a pretty good team, then," he responded. You hadn't noticed how quiet the room had gotten afterward.

It was funny how much tension could construct itself out of thin air.

He stood up, grabbing a much smaller piece of work to replace the one you had just looked at. “Does this kind of remind you of anything?” He asked. You looked at the canvas, unable to understand what he meant. He saw how confusion narrowed in between your eyebrows and he giggled. “It's based on the book I gave you a while ago.”

You looked away and took a few moments to think to yourself before meeting his eyes. They were the ones that didn't seem to stray away from you during your short departure. “I haven't finished reading it yet.”

Of course, it was the truth but, you were nearly close to doing so. You could easily depict what he was trying to express in his work but you didn't want to ruin it.

You recalled how the girl in the book didn't fall in love with the boy when she first saw him. She didn't feel any change in heartbeat. Having those feelings for a random boy that she just happened to see often never crossed her mind.

But then the girl began to notice him, in the ways he spoke, how he chose his words carefully and politely. She began to notice how he always held the door for people and how he respected them. She noticed how he smiled at others and how he got others to smile and her.

She noticed all of those little details and moments and combined they showed her how beautiful of a person he truly was—-maybe that’s what made the girl fall in love with him completely.

He quickly removed the canvas and flipped it over, “Oh! I shouldn't spoil it then, huh?”

A small breath left your nose and you nodded. “Yeah. You can show me after I finish, okay?”

His eye contact was goosebump-inducing as his lips began curling into a smile while he muttered a sweet, "Okay."

You wished you could explain his eyes instead, and how the sound of his voice gave you butterflies. How his smile made your heart skip a beat and how every time you were literally just around him, you felt so nervous but so complete.

You just wished that you could show him how much he meant to you. Exceptionally so, that you wished you could let him take a look into your mind so that he would see for himself just how much you were in love with him. He was your world and you honestly would’ve spent every day for the rest of your life proving this to him if you could.

That you were wholeheartedly his. You’d always be for him.

“Let me show you this one instead!” He offered, setting another similar-sized canvas on the easel.

As he spoke, you looked over at him, wondering how you could begin to describe your feelings. His smile was so consuming that all you could see were the tops of his cheeks, and the fact that he could literally blind you with happiness was a perfect representation of the kind of effect he had on people.

He made you happy.

He didn't know the spell he casted over you. He didn't know how every time you were around him it felt like you were living your own self-made fairy tale. You were detached from the world, fallen completely into his—and you never wanted to leave.

You wanted the fairytale to go on and on, never wanting the story to end. You wanted to stay in this time and place forever, because, with him, there was nowhere else you’d rather be.

You looked at him like he was art and you held onto his words like they were falling stars.

"You give good advice," you said shortly after he finished explaining his thought process behind this piece of work.

He sheepishly smiled, "I know."

"... Maybe you should start taking it," you looked into his brown eyes in deep thought.

"Hm?"

You shrugged, tilting your head as you thought to yourself for a couple of seconds. You knew that ever since he had come back, he was having trouble readjusting to everything here. You acted like you didn't notice but he was so close to falling apart and you didn't want him to deal with it alone.

"I mean, you always call art beautiful and courageously mean it, but how is it that the most beautiful person doesn't realize that he too is all of those things and more?"

Maybe you were digging up a hole that he wanted to keep buried and maybe you did regret those words as soon as they left your mouth—but it was said and no matter how much you tried to somehow take it back, it was done.

He looked down at his lap, clearing his throat as he bit down on the bottom of his lip lightly.

Maybe you did cross a line this time. "You know what, forget I said any—" you started.

"Sometimes, I don't know…I just feel like," he groaned, not appreciating his inability to form his thoughts into coherent sentences. "I just feel like I don't really matter anymore—well, not Hwang Hyunjin me, but like me, me.”

He was the boy who fed into his insecurities and starved himself of potential.

“And it’s not like it's anybody’s fault! It’s really not—it’s just…” He was struggling immensely. “I want people to be happy, I always do. But now I feel like I’ve found myself trying more.”

He never usually said much, but his mind was a storm, his creativity insatiable; he was an enigma. Truly a mystery to you, but the depths of his eyes spoke volumes. His head housed the most intelligent conversations and although he never spoke them out loud all the time, you knew it.

He never said much, but in the end, that didn't matter. You read him so clearly and he had no idea.

You sighed, “Are you still hung up on what happened with Jisung?”

After that day, Hyunjin felt the worst he’d ever felt in a while. His thoughts were brutal. They were vicious, and mean, and picked out every flaw that he had.

His mind always won against his heart and they became too much for him. His heart became heavy and he needed to remind himself to breathe and that he was okay—that everything was okay—clearly knowing that it wasn't at all.

“Kinda,” he exhaled before he ran his hands down his face trying to sober up his dilemma. Suddenly his phone rang and it startled the both of you.

He glanced at the contact and sighed to himself again before turning to look at you with a frown. He felt guilt wash over him as he saw the contact although you couldn’t see it for yourself.

You were too busy trying to find the words to tell him that you liked that he trusted you enough that he was willing to confide in you.

He paused for a moment, and as you were about to say something, he beat you to it.

“I’m sorry, I need to go.”

“Can you like… stop using your phone?” You snatched Jisung’s device from his hands and hid it underneath your leg. “We’re watching a movie.”

He groaned, throwing his head back against the couch. “Well, the movie you chose is lame. Right Lix?”

Felix looked up from his phone, “Huh?”

You rolled your eyes, “You guys suck.”

It was the weekend before finals began and you had sacrificed your studying time to hang out with your friends. Felix was finally free from his theatre escapades for the semester and suggested a night of baking and watching movies.

You weren't even too sure how Jisung managed to sneak his way into these plans. He had been spending an awful amount of time locked in his room lately, granted, he was trying to catch up on everything he lost. But today he had left for a couple of hours, probably to meet up with his friends, and somehow made it just in time for the movie to begin.

Yet, of course, they took you for granted and clearly wasted your time though.

Felix set his phone down, throwing an arm over your shoulder. “Okay, I’m sorry! I’m done.”

You squinted at him, testingly. “Really?” He nodded and gave you a pinky promise.

“Okay, wait—why won't you take Felix’s phone too?” Jisung pointed out from the side. You shushed him before redirecting your attention back to the movie.

In their defense, the movie was actually pretty bad. You didn't want to agree with them though because technically, it’d be your fault for choosing a horrible film then.

As a matter of fact, before watching the movie, you wished Minho hadn't been busy preparing for his dance final so he could stay and spend time with you all. But now, you were thankful he had other plans. He would’ve eaten you alive for wasting his time like this.

Once the movie came to an end, Felix ran to the kitchen to check on the brownies.

Jisung held his palm out to you, “Phone please.”

“You’re so annoying.” You chuckled, placing it into his hand nonetheless. “This is why you don't have an ‘M’ on your palm, loser.”

You were referring to the old childhood myth behind the meaning of palm lines.

Apparently, if the lines managed to create an ‘M’ letter, then it meant that you would get married in the future. It was stupid, you both knew it. But it was a debate you two had sometimes when you were younger.

“I might not have an ‘M’ but,” Jisung opened your hands and began to trace tiny little circles on the lines of your palm, "didn't you know? I can read palms too." He concluded it with a sarcastic gasp.

Your eyebrows rose as you looked at the boy with an amused expression, "Oh really?" He nodded and you studied the boy for a few moments not believing him in the slightest, but went along with it anyway. "Fine, what's my future then?"

"Us."

You sat up, now laughing as you threw a pillow at him. "I can't believe you just said that.”

He brought a hand up in defense, "Listen, I just made that up on the spot. You should be proud of me that I am still able to do that even though my brain is fried."

Not bothering to entertain him any longer, you joined Felix in the kitchen and the both of you snacked on brownies. As much as you wanted to say you did most of the work when it came to baking it, Felix was the pro. He had many years of brownie baking on his belt.

The both of you managed to spend the rest of the evening talking about life and honestly anything else that was interesting or new. You could tell that both of you needed it. He’d been overworking himself the entire semester so to finally be done, was so rewarding. Plus, talking to Felix was always like a breath of fresh air.

By the time he left, it was nearly ten o’clock. You weren't too sure if Jisung was still home since his bedroom door was closed and he wasn't anywhere in the living room. So, you went back onto the couch and kept yourself busy with your phone.

You should've really been studying though because shortly after, Jisung peeked his head through his door. It seemed like it was all the more reason for him to bother you.

“Is he gone?” He whispered even though it was sort of loud.

You raised an eyebrow, “Who? Felix?” He nodded. “Yeah, he just left.”

Without a word, he walked over to where you were on the couch and basically snuggled up against you—more so his entire body nearly on top of you.

"Ji, what are you doing?" You questioned him.

He nestled himself in a little more, "Making sure you're comfortable."

"And how will you accomplish that by lying on top of me?"

"I won't." A shadowy grin appeared on his face although you couldn't see it. "I'm just doing that because I like lying on top of you.”

"Well, I don't," you rolled your eyes. His chest brushed against yours, sending a velvet shiver through you.

"That's a lie."

You huffed, letting his clinginess be. This was normal Jisung behavior anyway. So, you stuck to using your phone some more.

After a few silent minutes, the faded noise of the television still present, Jisung lifted his head up to look at you. "Just so you know, if you want my lips on any piece of you, I'm more than willing to appease you,” he said suddenly.

Your mouth dropped.

"And my willingness to comply extends to my hands, my fingers, and my dic-”

"Oh, my gosh," you cut him off. “You could’ve just said you were horny instead of listing all your… services.”

"Services?" He tipped his head toward you. "That sounds so dirty."

“Jisung.”

“Yes?”

"You're so annoying." You sighed, obviously frustrated by him.

He lightly smirked, "What? How?" You gave him a look. “So annoying, that you wouldn't walk straight the next day? Or, so annoying that you want me to get off of you?”

You couldn't help but feel the familiar chills run down your back and hit you ten times harder. Suddenly you were too desperate for his touch and taste in a matter of seconds. Desperate enough that your inner thighs begged for a kiss and you wanted his lips to make it rain.

"What's with the weird eyes? Relax, I was joking," he laughed and began to lift himself from your body.

You pulled him back on you almost immediately, "I was just thinking about how big you are."

You briefly glanced down at your joined hands. He carefully stroked the length of your palm with his thumb. And when you looked at each other again, his eyes were a little darker.

"Yeah? I'll fit you just right."

Now guiding your hand to rest over his hard-on, you felt the entire length of him. He let you, of course, but still kept a distance probably in an attempt to tease you. It was bothersome.

So you took it upon yourself and kissed your way up to the corner of his lips, and he finally turned his head and swallowed your sigh in his mouth.

The kiss was wet and rough, maybe a little annoyed. Your tongue slid against his, and a flame pulsed to life in your lower belly. Goosebumps scattered your skin and you pressed your thighs together.

You looked over your shoulder at his bedroom. It was so close it would take maybe a few big strides to be pushed back down onto his mattress. His tongue could be on your skin in under thirty seconds.

"If you're going to fit me so well, show me then.”

He nipped your bottom lip, "I will."

In a matter of seconds, the both of you stumbled into his room, making sure to close and lock the door behind you. Minho would probably be home soon so the two of you needed to be careful.

"Kiss me," he whispered and that was all it took for you to kiss him like every fiber of your being was dying, and he was your medicine. And oh did it feel like it, because suddenly, you were more alive. You felt stronger. You consumed him like a drug, inhaling and exhaling.

People made mistakes. They kissed the wrong people and pretended to be okay. They would do anything to distract their hearts, and they would do anything to deviate it from missing someone.

Was that what you both were doing? Surely, that was the case...

There was no doubt that Jisung had this extraordinary energy about him that consumed and calmed you all at once. The way he dismantled your defenses and challenged you at every turn helped you to become a stronger and more passionate person. And despite your resistance to admitting it, you felt capable of anything around him and couldn't help but believe that he brought out your best self.

He brought out the best in you, and you didn't mean better manners, or a sense of maturity, or whatever else this tired world expected of you. You meant that he just made you want to climb roofs, run wild, and act inappropriately, take risks, and pursue your dreams with passion and integrity.

Around him, you were living.

And to him, you were not just the two a.m. thoughts when he was alone in his bed. You were the three p.m. laughs when he was busy with his friends, the six p.m. dinner when he was in the kitchen, and the ten p.m. songs when he was writing new lyrics. You were always on his mind.

You were the most beautiful thing he’d ever felt, and he was convinced you’d remain the most beautiful thing he’d ever feel. Did you know how limiting that was?

To think at such a ripe young age he’d experience the most exhilarating person he’d ever meet, and he’d spend the rest of his life just… settling. To think he tasted the most natural rawest form of sugar and everything else would be refined and synthetic.

That nothing beyond this moment would add up. That all the years beyond him could not combine themselves to be sweeter than you.

He grabbed the back of your neck and then kissed you deeper and slower. He kissed you until your heartbeat continued to throb between your legs. A frenzy burned through your blood.

You pressed your body to him, tracing your nails down his clothed stomach, and tugged at the belt loop of his pants. He made a rough sound in his throat, but his lips began to slow down against yours.

When you realized he was pulling away, you moaned in frustration.

His thumb brushed over your mouth. "Are you sure you're in love with Hwang Hyunjin?" His tone was ridiculing and teasing.

"I am," you protested trying to close the distance between your lips again.

You were surely acting like it, he wondered. He stifled a light laugh and you could feel the coolness of his breath against your face. “Then tell him.”

And it wasn't until later that night he regretted even bringing Hyunjin up. He was prepared for what was to come, but it still hurt.

The both of you lay in Jisung’s disheveled sheets, finally clothed again.

"Jisung?" You voiced out, your fingers traced his arm lazily and you were trying to fight off the heavy slumber you felt dawn over you.

"Yeah?"

"Have you ever regretted it?" You asked.

He paused for a moment. “Regretted what?”

“You know… kissing me… sleeping with me. All of it.”

"Of course not," he stated. Even though he wasn't too sure what the truth wholly was. No matter how happy you made him, he believed that there would always be a part of him that kind of regretted everything. "Why would you even think that?"

You shrugged and settled your head on his shoulder. "I—I’m not sure. I guess it’s just—"

That night you let him see what made your world spin. And for you, those were your dreams.

But not just any dreams—dreams about love and passion. You shared with him your words and your feelings. There were quotes, stories, and hopes. All the inner workings of your mind were captured in these dreams. Dreaming about the boy you loved was the only thing that kept you sane.

You turned Hyunjin into a metaphor and thought of him as everything from a drug to a hurricane.

And there you laid, legs entangled, speaking about a boy that you loved again to another who struggled to cope with his own feelings. Your eyes glistened as you spoke of Hyunjin. You spoke about him like he would move mountains for you.

But Jisung, he would've moved mountains for you too. You didn't know that though. You would never know that. Because as he gazed at the galaxies in your eyes like star watching was one of his favorite things to do, you were too lost in your thoughts of another to notice anything.

You loved Hyunjin’s everything just like Jisung did—but with you. He guessed, the only difference was that he knew you wouldn't have chosen him.

So that night, you smiled and leaned on Jisung’s shoulder, half-clothed, as you told him your masterpiece. It was breathtaking. It was you—undeniably you.

You giggled and turned to him and placed your finger against his lips—and all he could think about was what it would've felt like to have you say all these things about him.

But then you said, "I want to tell him." Your voice was so quiet and he realized just how still the whole world felt as your breaths became the same.

His heart stopped. “Oh.” He didn't expect you to take to his advice from earlier. It happened in the heat of the moment and he wasn't thinking straight. It was a joke. And part of him began to hope that you were joking with him too, calling the whole thing off—to take it back right now.

“Well,” he scratched the back of his head, “He better not be an idiot. I hope he knows he’s got something special.”

Jisung wouldn’t show it, and he really hoped you couldn’t tell either, but it felt like a ton of bricks were laid perfectly on top of his heart.

You laughed weakly as you still felt tired. "It’s just—” You were stuck over how to ask him. “How do you know when it's over though? That it wouldn’t work out?"

Sleep crept up to your eyes and you closed them, letting them rest. “Just for a moment,” you told yourself.

The boy beside you heard your breaths get heavier and gazed down to see that you had fallen asleep before he could even answer.

A sad smile crept onto his lips and he softly pressed a kiss to your temple.

"It's in the silence.”

The last dance practice for the semester had just come to an end and you were in between the idea of either throwing up your lunch or just running away forever. Neither seemed really plausible though considering you actually enjoyed your lunch and you had your last final tomorrow, so you needed to be present.

Either way, you were nearly about to defy all things appropriate and dissipate with good reason, of course.

Confessing. You nearly struggled to breathe for a moment. It shouldn't be too hard. Hyunjin had to feel something for you, right? After all, you both had been through together—all the memories—he had to.

Before, it sounded insane to even contemplate, but your mind otherwise convinced itself that something was definitely there. All the talks, laughs, glances across the rooms—something had to be there.

And as much as you wanted to call it bluff just so it wouldn't get your hopes up too much for when the truth came out, you couldn't bring yourself to do so. No matter how many times you fell into your thoughts, they all somehow reminded you about everything beautiful that came along with him—Hyunjin.

His soft skin, his scent, the crescents in his eyes that shined a bit too much it was almost blinding. He was endearing and captivating, and everything you had ever wanted. Surely, the most exquisite in human form.

He had to feel the same.

You found yourself outside of the dance studio knowing who was waiting behind the door, and you shuttered at the thought of leaving the room either the happiest girl in the world or the saddest.

You didn't want to sound too selfish, but you wanted him all to yourself. And it was with that desire, you felt the need to confess.

Sure, your late-night conversation with Jisung somehow, someway, made you actually want to pursue it. A part of you was bluffing when you told him that you would do it—you were half asleep in fact. You were hoping for your friend to talk you out of it—out of the so-called crazy idea—but he didn't.

And now that you were separated from Hyunjin by only a door, you couldn't help but want to take the easy way out of it, which was simply just leaving.

But you were bound to tell him at some point, regardless of Jisung’s input—regardless of your nerves and lack of confidence.

Well, that’s what you liked to believe anyway. You just didn't expect it to be so soon.

You hesitantly opened the door, walking in to be greeted by the boy that you couldn't ever stop thinking about. Although practice had already concluded a while ago, he was still in the middle of the empty studio in the midst of practicing. You wanted to simply melt onto the ground as you locked eyes through the mirror.

He was a symbol of your weakness.

He didn't have to do anything to make you fall for him, and you didn't fall for him because of what he could or couldn't do for you. You fell for him simply because he was unapologetically himself—you fell for him for everything he was and everything he was not.

He was so perfectly flawed, but also perfectly himself.

He turned around to face you, "Y/N?"

You were still by the door, scared to fully make your way into the room. "Hey..." Your eyes trailed him as he headed towards his bag.

"What are you doing here?" He grabbed a water bottle from inside. It gave you enough time to make your way to him, slowly, at your own pace. He took a long sip, parting from the bottle with a soft smile. “I thought you were studying for your exam.”

You exhaled lightly, letting out a breathy laugh. "Yeah, I was going to."

He placed the clear bottle back into his bag and peered over at you. Slightly knitting his eyebrows together, he refocused his attention back toward you. “Do you want me to help you?”

“Huh? No, no… that’s okay.”

“Are you sure? I’m just messing around in here before the studio closed for the semester but I can make some time—”

You shook your head, “Jinnie. I…” Your train of thought was faulted by the look in his eyes. He waited for you to finish but he distracted you. Was he aware of how you just couldn't speak anymore?

You just didn't understand how anybody could look the way that he did. He had the prettiest eyes and the warmest yet most killer stare. You wanted answers. You wanted him to take accountability for it—for everything.

But quite frankly, you didn’t even think he would ever because he probably didn't know it.

"I... I just wanted to talk to you about something,” you finished quietly.

Hyunjin grew quite curious and it was evident in the way his eyebrows softened at your tone. He nodded before sitting on the ground and patting the spot beside him for you to join him. You sat down, both of your bodies parallel to each other.

You sighed.

He wasn't sure what direction you were headed in. Something was clearly bothering you. Many thoughts flooded into his mind as he listed different possible explanations that could've left you this way.

“Is everything okay?”

"Do you know what you do to me?" You abruptly stated as the butterflies in your stomach began to erupt—so much that they could've lifted you up.

He stopped his mind from wandering further and froze. This was what was happening?

You shouldn't be doing this.

"I get lost in your eyes, all the time actually—and whenever I hear your name I get tripped out so easily..."

Were you making a fool out of yourself? You really didn't know. Your mouth was just moving on its own and you lacked control.

"—And you'd always look into my eyes and show this wide grin. I always asked why you did it, but you’d shake your head and ignore the question." You tried your best to avoid his piercing eye contact. "Maybe that's why I fell for you."

You finally met his gaze but he broke it away almost immediately. That was when you felt your heart shatter into a million little pieces like a sheet of glass.

You thought that somehow, someway, you were getting closer to the truth and knew it. You see, deep down, a part of you always knew that nothing would really happen between the both of you. You believed that maybe those types of things were only possible in a world you could only possibly dream of.

Surely, Hyunjin seemed to just be the person of your dreams... so much so, you felt sorry that you fell. You were so sorry. Sorry that despite his refusal to look at you now, you still found his soul absolutely enchanting, fascinating, and breathtakingly beautiful.

It took him a minute before taking a deep sigh, "Y/N."

You always dreamt of all the moments you were never going to have. You guessed that this was just your way of dealing with the fact that he didn't want you—and he probably never will. And despite how badly you wanted him to reciprocate your feelings, what you both had was ruined.

And so you came up with a separate reality in which everything was okay, where he was by your side and where he finally would fall.

Hyunjin wanted to tell you that he knew your favorite color and your favorite book and the way you’d always talk to yourself whenever you got annoyed. He wanted to tell you that he prided himself in the fact that he memorized the way your mouth would curve into a smile.

He wanted to tell you that he would be there for you on the bad days too. He wanted to continue to hear you laugh and see your eyes glow in gold, just to know that you were happy.

And he really wanted to tell you too that you had completely captivated him—but instead, he sympathetically looked at you, his eyes finally meeting yours once again.

He knew that you both couldn't be together because he was supposed to be in love with someone else, and well because, someone else had fallen for you too.

Hyunjin noticed it for the first time a couple of months back that Jisung was in love with you.

He nearly called himself stupid when he realized it. How could he have been so blind? So oblivious to everything. How could no one else realize that when you walked into the room, Jisung would suck in his breath at the very sight of you?

There was that silence. The kind of silence Jisung spoke about. You weren’t too sure if you imagined him saying it but it didn't hurt any less.

"I-I’m sorry—I don't know why I just said that.” You were beginning to panic.

He looked over at you, tracing every feature of your face like he had a million times before, and his heart began to beat to the rhythm of your short breaths. He turned away. “We can’t do this. I…”

This all could've been easily solved if he had brought himself to confess that he felt something for you. But he couldn't.

It made sense to him—it all did. How you’d always admire him silently when he wasn't looking. He always saw something in your eyes when he did catch you staring though; a shine of wonder.

If only you knew how much those little moments mattered to him too.

But now you were left confused and heartbroken by the boy who always told you that you were amazing, but seemingly enough, wasn't good enough to commit to.

"We started this at a strange time in my life,” Hyunjin said softly. “I was broken and sad and in serious need of someone to listen. I was that guy that needed someone by his side to feel validated. And you were beautiful and charming and most importantly broken too.”

You hated how you felt like shit and you hated how he looked at you—as if he felt bad for you.

He sighed, “I didn't realize you were just as damaged as me when I met you. But that's why we clicked, wasn't it? I was messed up over a girl—over life—and you were the one constant that made me feel sane.”

Your breathing stilled. Messed up over a girl? Until it clicked. “Bora?”

He looked at you with concern, as if he never meant to hurt you the way that he did.

“I still love her Y/N.”

It was silent for a moment before your voice broke, "Still?”

Jisung hadn't told you? Hyunjin wondered to himself. He had expected Jisung to tell you about her the second she showed up that night at the club and also at the party.

You on the other hand wished you could rid yourself of the parts of you that beg for understanding. The parts of you that desire an answer to the question, “Why did you choose her over me?” Because there was no real answer. It was never about you. He simply chose to be with her. You were an innocent casualty.

But still, you were always going to love him more, weren't you?

Words didn't seem easy anymore to Hyunjin. Everything he’d said and will continue to say would only worsen everything. “I—uh, I met her when I was away and I just… We just fell in love and—I’m sorry.” He felt ashamed.

“Why are you sorry?” You quickly refuted. “You can’t help how you feel.” You cleared your throat, shifting in your seated position. The boy beside you could tell how much the color drained from your cheeks. "It was my fault for getting attached to you," you said and your voice cracked, "both of us knew it wouldn't have worked out anyway.”

His heart stung.

He wanted to tell you everything that you wanted to hear—to make you happy. To tell you that he felt the same way, unapologetically. But he couldn’t—not when he knew couldn't be the guy you needed him to be.

If he told you that, you would've told him that anything he did would've been enough and begged him to stay. To have him would make you throw away quite literally any sense of morality just because he was who he was, and you loved him because of that.

Every day you woke up and thought about him, and you hated it. Why did you have to be the one to get so attached? It didn't seem fair.

And it wasn't right—Hyunjin knew that. So he wished that you’d become full of so much happiness that it healed every part of you. There was a whole world out there waiting for you. Great cities and art and music. Genuine beauty, and you could have it all, but without him.

You guessed, deep down, you both were bound to end, and he would be the one to end it. You just kind of hoped that maybe he would have loved you too—enough to fight against it, you know?

He pulled you into his chest and you didn't fight it. You were in the process of growing numb. "I care about you Y/N, I will always be here for you,” he assured you while gently running his fingers through your hair.

Hyunjin was everything you needed, but you weren't that for him. You knew he cared about you, but you also knew that he didn't care enough to try. And yet, you didn't know which was worse.

You should have never texted him that one day that led into another and another and soon became a daily thing, morning and night, to text him and pray he would respond as fast as he did.

You shouldn't have ever gotten your hopes up as high as you did when Jisung told you there was the slightest chance that Hyunjin was interested in you. You should have never kissed him back that night in the art room; it wouldn’t have led to even more hope.

Then maybe it wouldn’t hurt this bad.

Hyunjin only wanted you when it was okay for him. You were the second option. You were his backup when he had nothing else to do. You were the one he’d give up for someone else. Easily replaceable.

His second option.

But knowing this didn't change the fact that now when you pictured him and Bora together, you wondered why it was her instead of you; and when you thought of him holding her hand, you wondered why it was her instead of you; and when you imagined him kissing her lips, and touching her face, and lying in bed beside her at night, you wondered why it was her instead of you.

When you thought of the moment when he chose to share his life with her instead of you, you couldn't help but analyze your components, piece by piece, in an attempt to figure out which fault of yours led him to that choice.

You really wanted to be her. You so badly wanted to be her.

Yet, tables tended to turn quite quickly on this Earth now that his presence was no longer on your plate, how bitter. And now you were left a mess wondering if you had ever meant anything to him at all.

Letting him hold you, you whispered something that confused him, "No, you don't care. But that's okay."

It didn't take too long for Jisung to get back home that night.

You had locked yourself in your room for the rest of the evening, hearing Minho come and leave the apartment every so often. You were hurting so badly that you were even desperate enough to sacrifice Minho knowing everything, just so you could cry your heart out and be heard by someone.

But that was easier said than done. If you had to tell Minho the entire story, it would have opened your wound even more. Plus, if you were being honest, he probably didn't even think that you were home to begin with. Usually, he’d call out for you or knock on your door, but he didn't.

So instead of bringing yourself to his attention, you rather continued to fester in the darkness of your room, trying your best to deal with everything alone. And you were attempting—like really, really trying to do it so you could push the thought of Hyunjin out of your mind.

But with a knock at your bedroom door, everything was ruined.

You stayed silent for a few moments, looking at the dimly lit white-framed door.

“Y/N.” Jisung muttered, lightly knocking once more. “What’s going on with you? I’ve been texting you all night.”

You weren't too sure of what to respond with. You hadn't been on your phone since everything happened and you were pretty sure it was still somewhere at the bottom of your school bag.

“I know you're in there, your sneakers are by the front door.”

Wiping your wet nose, you rolled your eyes. He was so stupidly annoying even at a time like this. He’d never let you rest over your damaged sneakers.

You stood from where you sat and walked over to unlock the door for him. As much as you wanted to be alone, there wasn't any reason to hide yourself from Jisung. Not like this—not anymore. He knew everything about you and he’d continue to do so, always.

When you opened the door, he immediately noticed your tear-stained cheeks and his heart dropped. Had you done it?

You tried your best to smile at him. "Hi, Sungie."

It was so much easier to act like none of it mattered, and to pretend to wear a smile than to confess that your heart was broken from losing someone who was never even yours to begin with.

But there didn't seem to be a reason to fake it in front of him. He deciphered everything about you within a matter of seconds. He didn't fall for your act and without a word, he engulfed you in a hug.

You didn't resist, instead, letting your body go limp as the boy hugged you. You didn't want to cry anymore, but the feeling of his arms around you made it so fucking hard. You were just so tired and drained.

The both of you stayed like that for what felt like minutes, his hands stroking up and down your back. As much as you were hurting during every moment of it, Jisung felt like his world was crashing down too. Seeing you like this, so quiet, so hidden—you didn’t deserve it.

"It's his loss," he hummed against you.

Your heart fell for a moment. You lifted your head from against his chest and voiced your concerns quietly. “W-What?”

He sighed, gently brushing the hair that stuck onto your forehead away. “Hyunjin. It’s his loss.”

He wanted to tell you—to express to you that you deserved to be chosen undoubtedly over and over and over again—not merely considered.

Seeing you like this did so much more to him than you could have ever imagined.

But you wanted to tell Jisung that—to Hyunjin, he didn't lose anything. He just wasn't interested. It was as simple as that. He was good at making people believe that they were more important than they actually were.

Jisung was hesitant when asking, “What happened?”

You tipped your chin back to look at him fully. “Nothing happened,” you admitted, eventually. You shoved aside your pride and felt the words scorching your tongue. “He just… didn't want me the way that I wanted him.”

You kept telling yourself that if Hyunjin wanted to talk to you—wanted to be with you, he would’ve. It’d only take a second of his time to text you, maybe even to tell you that he had made a mistake and loved you all this time.

In all honestly, you were disappointed that he occupied your mind and that your heart still jumped whenever you thought about receiving a text or a call hoping that it was him. Simply hoping that he would tell you that he wanted you instead of her.

"And I think he knew," you continued after a while, "It just didn't matter enough for him to care."

Jisung was struggling to keep his composure against you when in reality, he really wanted to give Hyunjin the worst punch in the world for doing this to you. But what did he expect though? His friend had been seeing another girl this entire time, quite frankly, he should’ve told you about Bora to begin with.

Was this all his own fault then?

He gently grabbed your hands, interlocking his fingers with your own. Your palms were warm—fingers so soft. It was something he always loved.

He guided the both of you over to your bed to sit. “You know what I see?” For a few moments, he studied you, taking in your frayed tank top and bare legs.

You tilted your head, waiting for him to go on. The moonlight that peered into your room from the window dimly lit the carpet beside your bed. It gave you both just enough light to take in each other.

“I see a beautiful girl with an amazing heart and a corrupted mind,” he said.

Confusion marred your otherwise flawless features.

He continued, “Thoughts and ideas damaged by broken promises and lies. I see a girl whose mind is constantly battling with her heart because her heart chooses to feel what her mind chooses to ignore.”

To Jisung, you deserved someone who loved you with every single beat of their heart, someone who thought about you constantly, someone who’d spend every minute of every day just wondering what you were doing, where you were, who you were with, and if you were okay.

You needed someone who could help you reach your dreams and who could protect you from your fears. You needed someone who would treat you with respect, and love every part of you, especially your flaws.

You should be with someone who could make you happy, really happy, dancing on air happy.

You paused for a short while, unable to figure out what to respond with. He was more than right—you weren't dumb. Your mind could tell wrong from right, but your heart struggled immensely to comprehend that. You really wished it did though. It would have made everything a hundred times easier.

Suddenly, the rain, which had been lightly falling all night, began to pick up in speed. You closed your eyes getting lost in the sound of it, the thought of the cold water against your skin spread peace throughout your body for a moment.

One of Jisung’s hands remained interlocked with your fingers, and the other was caressed your bare thigh. He held you like you were his lifeline and he was scared to release you.

"You have to let it all go.” He traced his thumb over yours, still moving every so softly to keep your emotions at bay. “The way he kissed you, the way he smelled, the way he touched your waist and pulled you in. You have to try to let it go and you have to try to let him go."

“It’s not that easy, Jisung. I can’t just forget.”

You understood that love wasn't always flowers and chocolates. It wasn't always afternoon cuddles or laughing together at two in the morning. Sometimes it was crying and begging them to stay.

Sometimes it was screaming at the wall because you heard something you didn't want to hear and a part of you just broke inside. Sometimes it was staying up all night, wondering why you weren't enough. Or it was sometimes self-doubting yourself because you wanted to know what she had that you didn't.

“I know that,” he mumbled. “I know that it’s hard.”

You see as much as you thought you knew everything about the boy beside you, you didn't.

Jisung was aware that love was sometimes scrubbing your skin at four in the morning in the shower, trying to wash away their smell. Of course, it wasn't fucking easy. Love wasn't always romantic. It was painful and it would sometimes tear you apart.

To him, words were beautiful. To produce them, he allowed his fingers to move about in a rhythmic and rather therapeutic manner. Those movements then delivered his thoughts and emotions into the minds of human beings who couldn't be reached by the sound of his voice.

He thought it was time for him to start understanding that you were now just one of those people that was out of his reach. He wanted to ask you what it felt like to be told you were perfect in every way and will always be taken care of.

He wanted to convey the emotions that ripped through someone like himself. He wanted to express the hope and loyalty that was instilled inside him—the kind that was built up wall after wall, only to feel as though they were peacefully torn down by someone like you, who pulled him deeper into your love.

“I know that it’s hard, Y/N,” he repeated, “and you’re right, it’s hard to forget.”

You nodded, “If I could I woul—”

He cut you off. “But I just can't do it.” He bursted out, his eyes suddenly began to fill to the brim with tears.

Your eyes widened at the sight, taken off guard by his abrupt tone and reaction. “What?”

He shook his head and looked up to keep himself from looking at you. “I just can't watch you love him like that.”

“Like what?” You asked, cupping his face so he could meet your eyes. You traced in his dark orbs, hoping to quickly find an answer to his unexpected outburst. “What are you talking about?”

Jisung knew you would never look at him the way you did Hyunjin. He felt like he was being selfish with his emotions now.

“Like he’s everything you ever wanted.”

And suddenly now, while you both stared at each other at that very second, he couldn't take it anymore. He wanted more, he wanted more than just looks and brushes of arms and legs and the stupid endless teasing and meaningless fucking on your end.

He wanted to taste your lips and your neck and everything, again, like always. But this time, he wanted to pull you in and never let you go.

"I'm in love with you," he blurted out. "I’ve been for all my life, actually, but you've never noticed because you never paid attention."

Your heart dropped nearly twenty stories and you felt lightheaded. He could feel your body tense up as you sat still, slowly struggling to breathe properly.

"I have never loved anyone as I love you." He continued, confessing. Was there a chance you could believe him this time? "I can't put it into words—there are none that come close to expressing how I feel."

You shook your head, loosening your grip against his palm and removing his hand from your leg. “Jisung, stop it. You don’t love me—”

This had to be a joke. Just like when he said it before on the rooftop—yeah, that's what it was. He saw you in your emotional state and thought this would be a funny prank to get you to laugh, right? You were still very upset from earlier so he should've expected you to not—hmm, maybe if he pulled this stunt again next week, you would’ve cracked a laugh from it.

Your mind was very convincing to you.

“I love you!” He shouted, the impact of his words lost on you.

“Be fucking for real.” You still weren't taking him seriously. “This isn't funny.”

“Funny? I have loved you since the day I met you, and since then, you’ve been driving me crazy Y/N. My thoughts can't fucking move without constantly being drawn back to you.” Hand-dropping, his voice cracked as he continued. “You’re it.”

You were his world. But he wasn't yours, and he would never be.

He proceeded to pour his heart out, unable to realize what damage he was creating while doing so. "It’s you. It’s always been you.”

He was so vulnerable, and you tried your best to understand how suddenly, in a matter of seconds, his heart was in your hands.

“I can’t describe it anymore, it is you. You are the only one that I will ever want. I belong with you. You are my home. I look at you, and somehow I can see us fifty years from now on the front porch of some old house in the middle of nowhere and we're together.”

You stayed silent as everything ever good in your life came crashing down on you. This didn't sound like a joke anymore. And suddenly, just by searching his dark eyes from where you sat, the countless times he tried to express to you of his endless love began to show. Each time he poured his heart out to you, you never noticed.

He paused to take a breath. “And as pathetic as it sounds, I need you. You are the only thing that matters to me. You are my only constant. You are my good."

“No, no, no. You must be confused.” You shook your head for what seemed like forever. “Please just talk to me tomorrow—”

You attempted to stand up in an attempt to open your door so he could leave but he grabbed your arm. “What?” His voice broke. You were starting to make him feel like a crazy person.

You sat back on your bed with broken stars in your eyes and burnt promises on your tongue, and you told him after a brief pause, “Jisung, you and I both know that your life would be so much easier without me.”

He continued to sit by your side, taking your hand into his like before. He was close enough that your arms and hips and legs still touched and he said, “But not better.”

By now, your eyes were looking around at everything except his. In some measure, you wanted to cut open his mind and let yourself into the secret world he had created just for you, but, you were scared of what you would find.

This wasn't what you had expected. It wasn't anything you could have ever imagined. Because he tried to be poetic in the way that he loved you, but it was so passionate he couldn't string words together in any way that made sense to you.

So there it was; the silence.

You wanted to speak—to answer—but words couldn't formulate your emotions the same way he couldn't describe the way it felt to have his heart ripped to pieces.

During the haunting stillness, Jisung finally figured out why it hurt so much. He was stuck in limbo, the liminal space between what you both were and whatever came next. It wasn't good for either of you.

Sure, he attempted to move on after listening to Chan’s advice but he couldn’t. It took him days of staring at the ceiling at four in the morning and numerous discussions with himself before he woke up one morning and decided that he wanted you still.

However, he knew, logically, that what you both had was done now; your silence is more than enough proof.

But he couldn't help but wonder if this time, the silence—your silence—fostered hope, that small "what-if" in the back of his mind. And even the smallest glimpse of hope was enough to keep him here in front of you, trapped in this uncertainty.

Despite how bewildered you still were, you gingerly pushed the fallen strands of hair from his eyes. He was still your best friend. Of course, you loved him. You’d always love him.

And he was aware that he had always been just your boy friend you’d come to whenever you needed sympathy or company. Not your boyfriend, but your friend that was a boy.

“I just—I just don't deserve you,” you finally whispered.

Of course, in a sense, he did deserve so, so much better, but all he wanted was you. He knew that he should have refrained from doing anything with you. He was doing just fine before… everything—before you came back into his life as the person he loved.

Because loving you now was just so fucking destroying.

He opened his mouth to tell you what you didn't want to hear, but you shook your head, not letting him speak.

Tears burned your eyes, “No, Jisung. I don't. You're so amazing and caring and someone like me doesn't deserve someone like you,” you assured him, his grip tightened around your hand.

Please, don’t do this.

He was too pure and too sweet to love you.

Nevertheless, he wanted you to know everything. That he’d still love you through every emotional part of the roller coaster you had brought into his life. He loved you on the days that you were pleasant and kind and also on the days you were unrecognizable to him.

He loved you through changing circumstances and the rapid movement of time. He was loving you now, even when you decided that you didn't love him.

"I don't care," he said and he didn’t. He brought himself closer to your lips. "Do you even know?" He drew back for an instant, his eyebrows knit together. "Do you know what it's like around you? I can't..." He ran one hand through his hair and stared at you. "I can't breathe whenever you're around."

He was just so deeply in love with you, but you never cared to notice. You always cared about another boy, and not the one that mattered. He loved you so much and you took it for granted. You always went crying to him about your problems, and the boy beside you always lit himself on fire to keep you warm.

And judging by the way you treated him, it was only a matter of time before his flame went out.

“Why didn't you tell me before?” You asked him, your eyes darted wildly across his although your vision was more than blurry by now. “You were my best friend.”

His lips and hands shook at the sound of the cold rain pounding against your window, and his stomach turned because, at once, he struggled to find air to breathe.

What was he supposed to tell you? That you weren't just a best friend to him? That his soul ached for you every time he wasn't busy talking? That he couldn't bear to hear you talk about him in a way that got his hopes up?

Or was it that he couldn't watch you love Hyunjin the way you were supposed to love him?

“I couldn't bring myself to tell you,” he resulted in saying.

“Why? Because of who—Hyunjin?” You searched for an understanding. It took him a while before he nodded hesitantly at your question, afraid of how you’d take it. “But this goes way farther back than Hyunjin. You had so many years to tell me—to be honest with me.”

It was easier then.

Before, Jisung hadn't touched you, he hadn't kissed you, he hadn't done nearly enough stuff with you. It was completely different now and he didn't think you understood that.

“I know but—”

“Do you even know what Hyunjin said?” You continued to ask, cutting him off.

Suddenly it felt like a crime to look into your gaze. Jisung was avoiding it like a plague.

“This entire time, he had been in love with another girl,” you confessed, wincing as you relived yourself swallowing the biggest pill ever imaginable. It cut your throat and nearly made you bleed out. You couldn't believe what you were saying.

“Bora?” His eyes finally snapped over to yours, widening. “H-He told you about her?”

You nodded, feeling the tears you’d been failing to desperately keep in, continue to roll down. “Yes, and I was so stupid and blind and I just wanted to cry and cry and cry—so I just need you to tell me the truth,” you sobbed. “I can’t do this anymore.”

You didn't want secrets anymore. You couldn't even begin to understand how your best friend had been in love with you for so many years. It didn't seem real. You didn't want to accept it.

But somehow, someway, you both were in love, he was so sure of it.

It hadn't been processed to you yet that Jisung had said the girl's name—Bora—ever so immediately as he did. You didn't think much about it until you could see the look of shame wash down on his face.

He had been keeping the information between Hyunjin and Bora from you for how long? It was pitiful and downright unacceptable considering you were his best friend. How could he tell you now?

But you wanted honesty, right? You wanted to know everything.

“If you want to know the truth,” he still couldn't even look at you anymore, “I’ve known about their… situation.”

He could hear the breath you sucked in quietly. You shook your head, unable to wrap your mind around his confession. “No, you didn't.”

Please, please, please. This couldn't be true. Please.

“Yes—”

“No. You didn't know Jisung. You couldn't have known.” You were still so adamant about not believing him. None of this was supposed to happen. He didn't know—there was no way he had known about Hyunjin and Bora this entire time. “You also can't love me, it’s not possible.”

He grabbed your chin, holding you firmly, and stared into your vacant eyes. “Please, why are you doing this? Why don’t you believe me?” He whispered to you like two children shading a secret.

You pushed his hand away, standing up from where you were sitting. “You didn't fucking make me look stupid for all these months—you didn't make me look stupid for all these years. Jisung, tell me that you didn't.” You began to break down.

You both were in love, he was so sure of it.

“I couldn't help it. I couldn't help it, I'm sorry.” He couldn't even begin to express the guilt and the pain he was experiencing. He didn't even dare to value them either. You were all he could see.

This was when he realized that this was a mistake.

He stood and attempted to hold your hand again, to which you took a step back. He wanted it to go back to how it was. “Please understand that I was in pain,” the words were now being pulled up from his throat like a clown’s handkerchief trick, but he was choking, “I never meant to ruin things. I never meant to ruin us.”

Part of you wanted to forgive him. You were so heartbroken because you not only lost the boy you loved earlier, but also your best friend tonight.

You knew that Jisung wasn't a selfish person, and he probably had his reasons. You wanted to see the brighter side of everything but you couldn't. Not now anyway. Not when he had told you his true feelings that he had kept a secret for so long.

It felt as if your whole life with him had been a lie.

But he was your best friend and even if you tried with all your heart, you could never fully hate him. So the other part of you wanted to tell him that you loved him back so badly, even if it wasn't the truth. You wanted to tell this boy who you knew would give you the world if you asked, that his feelings were reciprocated, but they weren't.

You believed that maybe could’ve been, though. They could’ve been if you weren't so hung up on someone that didn't love you.

And you wanted to tell him that, but you thought it would’ve hurt even more.

You finally took the first step closer to him to hold his hand, just as he tried before. It was what he wanted right? He let you.

It was funny how something that should’ve felt so good could feel so bad when the circumstances weren't right. And your circumstances were definitely not right. But you squeezed his hand anyway, letting him know that you were feeling exactly what he was feeling, and you were just as torn as he was.

Jisung dropped his forehead against yours, your eyes closing while you both just silently breathed through whatever this moment was. You could feel everything he was not saying.

You could even somehow feel the kiss he wasn't giving you. But if you both slipped back into the moment you shared last night or even the night before, it would’ve ripped his wound open even wider, until that was all he was.

And as much as he wanted to deny it, he knew just as much as you did that this wasn't a good idea.

So Jisung stood there, defeated, trying to break the silence, but secretly afraid that if he stayed he’d only break everything more.

With your features blurring past his closed eyes, just like how he had memorized you his entire life, he breathed out. “I’m sorry—I don't think I was supposed to tell you any of that.”

let me know your thoughts about this chapter! i’m interested to hear your opinions :) stay healthy <3

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#stray kids #skz #skz han jisung #skz fanfic #skz imagines #han jisung #han jisung fanfic #han jisung smut #han jisung imagines #han jisung x reader #hyunjin fanfic #hwang hyunjin #hyunjin imagines #series #chapter four

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