tw. self harm
hi my friends ! i wanted to explain my longtime absence 🥺 and why i haven’t been writing much 💔
one of the few reasons is bc i’ve been SICK like i got bad time sick like the bad kind of suds sick and then ive been dealing with personal issues like (emergency type, for my own good) moving out of my house & looking for apartments and reeling from the consequences and trying to cope with that and ive been extremely focused in school (which is crazy) and im working and if not, then i’m reading and if not, i realized i have been struggling with self harm issues that i didn’t realize were self harm… i’m trying to get out of this bad cycle that i’ve had for years and years but also trying to be a responsible adult but also trying to write 🥺 it’s kind of a lot 😭 and i also just want to stay in bed and rot and stare at the ceiling 🥺 i know for a fact that not a single soul asked for an explanation nor have they “missed” me bc i’m not a very important person lol i just dont like that i’m not active bc i want friends on here and to be social but i also realized i haven’t messaged my friends back in over a month, it’s kind of a miracle i am able to even get up out of bed haha 😸😔 anyway! i do hope for things to turn around and for me to return to finishing the embarrassingly late requests (there’s like TWO i think) and to write again bc it brings me joy 🥹 i wanted to thank the people who have been reading my stuff and who continue to read 🥺 and who continue to be here no matter the mess that i am 🫂🥺 i appreciate you all and i hope everyone is doing well 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
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Day 2 of drawing Maul until someone at Disney gives me a job relating to Maul
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sometimes a healthy relationship isn't 50/50 because it can't be, and that's okay.
disabled people who cannot take on an equal portion of the work in a relationship deserve to be loved too, if that's what they want. and as long as their partner is getting the support they need, and is happy to take on that work, then what's the issue? it's nobodys business but your own the way that works in your relationship.
if you or your partner are disabled, and you can't split the work in the relationship 50/50, that's okay. you're not abusive, or a baby, or unloveable because of that. I promise
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the subtle homoeroticism of the chief justice having a "personal relationship" and "personal dealings" with the duke
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it mattered because when my brother asked me what if this is the happiest you'll ever be? the best you'll ever get? the thing i felt was fear, not peace. everybody thought you were so perfect for me. even i thought you were "helping me grow". i had to challenge every internal clock. make myself more thoughtful, more kind, more beautiful.
i told my therapist it was good because i like the changes i made and there's something so strong about saying i did that. the problem is that i can like the difference all i want, but i changed for you. something akin to getting your name tattooed, all my progress is stamped with fuck you.
it was the happiest i'd ever been and also the best i'd ever gotten. i would still get in the car and think what the fuck just happened.
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last year i found a wii at goodwill for 25 dollars and it came with everything except a wiimote but it was in such good condition i was like hell yeah ill take it how hard can it be to find a wiimote. the answer is it's nearly impossible to find them at thrift stores now so i've spent like 8 months looking for ones in thrift stores but there wasn't a single one and then online but i just couldn't bring myself to spend 30 dollars on one single wiimote so i waited so. patiently. and then 2 weeks ago i finally found one at goodwill for 9 dollars but it was absolutely disgusting and the battery cover was missing and the compartment was all corroded so i put it back and regretted it the whole week but then this last weekend i went to savers and there was an absolutely perfect wiimote just sitting there with no corrosion and a jacket and the wrist strap and motion plus and the nunchuck was there too and i got it all for 10 dollars so the moral of the story is that sometimes things seem right for you in the moment but you have to recognize that they aren't and leave them behind so the things that are meant for you will in fact find you when the time is right. peace and love <3
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Going Home.
[I drew the first version to be open ended, but here's a happier end.]
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let trans men&mascs romanticize testosterone.
keep your “you’re not going to look like an anime boy or whatever, you’re just going to look like your dad” to yourself.
keep your “but what about the balding and the acne and the anger problems and the gross hair everywhere and the horrible painful bottom growth and and and” to yourself.
keep your “once you look like a man you will scare people and you can never stop thinking about that” to yourself.
keep your “testosterone is poison and don’t you dare even suggest that saying that might hurt you” to yourself.
we are not obligated to take on your fears and traumas around testosterone as our own, nor are we obligated to let them influence our relationship with it.
we are not obligated to sit here in a world that heavily restricts and constantly threatens our access to it and listen silently as you contribute to stigma around it.
we’re already tired of watching cis society as a whole try to rip it away from us; we don’t need fellow trans people and supposed allies giving credence to their cause.
for many of us testosterone is life-saving medicine, it’s liquid gold, it’s the nectar and ambrosia of the fucking gods.
is it so hard to just let us have that? to let us believe that and say it and celebrate it without being given a million reasons to question it? is that really too much to ask?
if you can find it in your heart to let other trans people romanticize their transitions, i promise you can let us do it to.
testosterone is a beautiful thing. it makes people hotter and even more importantly it makes them happier and anyone who wants it should be able to have it because it’s so life-changing and magical and wonderful and incredibly important to so many people who deserve the happiness it offers.
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