#i was 15 and i have next to no money because i was fifteen but a coke only costs like a buck or two
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Summary: Not wanting to face Joel after you found out that you're pregnant, you leave the Boston QZ to live with Bill and Frank. Almost four years pass before you can't hide from him anymore, letting him finally know why you ran from him all these years back.
Pairing: Joel Miller x fem. reader
Wordcount: 6.7k
Rating: E
Warnings: angst, unplanned pregnancy, secret pregnancy, secrets, fluff, trust issues, Joel being Joel, making up, kissing, age gap (not specified but it's around 15 years), smut (unprotected sex), mentions of alcohol, Joel really is bad at feelings, but he's trying, Girl Dad Joel Miller, happy end
A/N: if these two had a relationship status it would be "it's complicated" Another WiP done! So now I am allowed to think about Biker Raider Joel for a moment, right?
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Pedro Masterlist || Joel Masterlist || Main Masterlist
“You know you’ll have to face him at some point,” Frank had a fond smile on his lips as he sat in his wheelchair next to you. He was watching Bill who let himself chase across the yard of his picture perfect post apocalypse home.
Nobody would expect that just down the street, outside of the fence the world as you knew it had ended.
“I know,” you sighed.
“He asks for you every time he’s here. If we had seen you, if we knew where you are. He’s gonna understand,” Frank said and you scoffed.
“He’s not gonna care. He has Tess and… he’s not…” you shook your head, searching for the words, “he’s not the man I fell in love with.”
“We all can change,” Frank said, reaching over to squeeze your hand.
“Bill is the best example for that. Could you have imagined him like that when you showed up here three years ago?”
You watched Bill play with your daughter, Ava, playing catch.
“Joel is not like that. He was like that. Before. But that part of him died long ago.”
You sat in silence for a while, just watching Bill and Ava, trying to soak it all in. It would never be like that again and you were already dreading having to explain all of this to her.
“I’m gonna miss you,” you whispered, fighting against the tears as you looked at Frank. He smiled softly at you before he came closer, kissing your forehead.
Four years earlier
You knew he could tell when you were lying. He would know with one look at you that you were full of shit telling him that this was not working for you anymore. Whatever this between you was.
Joel and you had known each other since before the outbreak. You had started babysitting Sarah to earn some extra money while you were finishing you degree when she had just been nine years old and you had moved in next door.
You had been there on outbreak day. Next door, still living at home to take care of your sick father. You would never get the picture of his infected body lunging at you out of your head the night the world changed.
You and Joel… You didn’t know what Joel and you were exactly.
You loved Joel, you knew that. And you were pretty sure he loved you too. You just wanted… more. Most people did not allow themselves to love so openly anymore. And in Joel’s case? Losing Sarah had changed him. After fifteen years the man who had been Sarah’s father was gone, replaced by a man that still had his face, but was missing the warmth and comfort Joel Miller had once provided.
You could see it in glimpses, whenever his hand would rest on your back when he passed by. When he fell asleep in your arms deep in the night. When he kissed your forehead before he headed out for work.
Loving Joel Miller was easy.
Being loved by him was close to impossible.
You never really labelled your relationship, mostly because you did not think of it as important. You trusted him more than any other person on this planet. It’s why you ignored the way he had started looking at Tess. It’s why you did not question him when he stayed away at night. You ignored it all, opening your arms for him when he chose to come home to you, letting him in your bed just to feel close to him. To feel something.
The jealousy was killing you slowly, making you reckless when you let him have his way with your body.
But once you had missed your period the first month, and then the second, you knew that there was only one possible answer to your dilemma. You had never been late before. A ration card swapped for a twenty year old pregnancy test had your worst fears come true.
You were pregnant with Joel Miller’s child.
Fifteen years after you both buried his daughter. The daughter he never got over losing.
You could already see his reaction. The eyes you loved so much empty before he would tell you to deal with it.
You could not face his anger or disappointment, but mostly you could not face him not caring. So you packed your little belongings once he had left you in the morning, sneaking out of your bed without a word.
You did not leave a note, just fled the QZ, making your way over to Bill and Frank, hoping your friendship with Frank would make them take you in.
Of course Bill hadn’t want to, but once he saw your stomach swell (and tasted the sweets you baked in his kitchen) he had put all his work into making the house next door into your home.
“Mama, can we go get Strawbebbies?” you chuckled, holding her hand as you walked with her on your daily walk by the fence.
“Strawberries, baby,” you tried to correct her. Ava pouted at you, her dark curls swinging in the wind, her brown eyes so much like her fathers.
“That’s what I said!” she put her little hands on her hips and you smiled.
She was definitely her father’s daughter.
“Okay, baby. Let’s get some Strawbebbies,” you picked her up, making her shriek with laughter. Once again you were glad you made the decision to come here. She could grow up like a child was supposed to.
Even though now that Bill and Frank were gone it was getting kind of lonely. You had all enjoyed a last dinner together before Bill and Frank had tucked Ava in for one last time and read her a story.
You had tried to keep the tears at bay as Bill had reminded you of the folder full of instructions of how to take care of things around here for you.
After dinner you had walked them to the gate, opening the fence for them as they took their last walk. You had watched them until they had disappeared into the dark woods before you made your way back to their house. You had cleaned the dishes and tidied everything up, before with a heavy heart, you had turned off all the lights and closed the door behind you before you walked to your house, allowing yourself to cry yourself to sleep as you sat on the floor next to the bed of your daughter, watching her sleep.
That night was almost three months ago. The days were getting shorter, the nights colder. You’d have enough firewood for this winter but come spring you would have to find a way to make more.
You had just finished making breakfast for Ava when the motion detector alarmed you that someone was at the gate. You froze, telling Ava to eat her fruit salad before you made your way downstairs to check out what was happening.
Your heart was pounding against your chest, once you noticed his face.
Joel Miller.
And a…. Teenage girl?
The gate swung open after he put in the code and you allowed yourself fifteen seconds to panic. You knew this day would come. The day after Bill and Frank had gone you had checked the basement, finding that Bill had put on 80’s music, the distress signal.
Even though you had turned it off immediately deep down you knew he would show up at some point.
You just did not think it would be that soon.
You grabbed your gun, checking if it was loaded before you made your way back upstairs. You did not think you would need it, but it was better to be prepared.
“Ava? Remember when Uncle Bill played hide and seek with you and showed you the best place to hide?” you asked, hiding the gun in the back of your jeans as you got to your kitchen. She nodded.
“I want you to hide there until I come and get you,” you said.
“Hide?” she asked. You nodded, kissing her cheek.
“Take Sluggi with you,” you smiled. Sluggi was the stuffed plush slug Bill had gotten for her. She nodded and ran out of the kitchen and upstairs, You heard her door to her room close and took a deep breath, calming yourself.
You knew this day would come. You knew one day you would have to face Joel Miller and you knew you would have to face his reaction.
You never regretted your decision to leave. Life has definitely been better here. That did not mean you had just stopped loving him, no matter how much he had hurt you in the past.
Stepping towards your front door you could see him walk towards Bill and Frank’s house.
You closed your eyes, taking a calming breath before you opened the door and stepped out.
His head snapped towards you once he heard the door opening, eyes widening for a split second before he pulled the girl that was with him behind his back.
He was protecting her.
“What are you doing here? Where are Bill and Frank?” he asked, his voice low.
“They’re dead. Frank got worse and… he couldn’t…” you shook your head, lost of words. He just looked at you before he shook his head, trying to put in words what he wanted.
“I just… We need some…” he took a deep breath, looking up at you, a million emotions playing over his face.
“Are you hungry?” you asked the girl behind him.
“Starving,” she replied and you smiled a little.
“There’s some fruit salad left on the kitchen counter if you want?” you asked. She stepped around Joel and he looked at her.
“It’s safe. There’s… there’s no one there,” you lied. He gave her a nod before she walked past you into your home.
It had been years since you’ve been alone with him. He did not really change. His hair maybe a little grayer, the lines around his mouth a little deeper, but he was still Joel Miller.
“You left,” he said.
“I did.”
“Why?”
You took a deep breath. You looked past him towards the house the girl had walked in, hoping your little girl continued to hide. Knowing her she had was working on her puzzle. She would be okay for a moment.
You knew she was safe. You just needed a little moment alone.
“You can have some fruit salad too. I am going to get some vegetables for dinner,“ you gave him a nod, before you turned around and walked towards your garden, ignoring him as he called after you.
With a basket full of salad, cucumbers and some tomatoes you pushed the door of your house open. Joel was sitting on the stairs, across the door, already looking at you.
The girl walked past the both of you towards the living room, an apple in her hand she was munching on.
„This is so fucking weird,“ she shook her head and you snorted while Joel hissed at her.
„What? It is weird,“ she said, her head turned towards him.
You smiled a little as you looked at her, before you walked towards the kitchen, setting the basket down. You had to go up to check on Ava.
And you had to talk to Joel.
You couldn’t hide her from him, even though you wanted to do nothing more than that.
You took a deep breath when he walked into the kitchen.
„Is it okay if Ellie takes a shower?“ He asked, knowing that there was warm water around town.
„That’s her name. Ellie,“ he clarified.
„Oh. Of course, yeah,“ you nodded and Ellie walked in, snorting as she looked up at Joel.
„You could use one too dude,“ she said and you had to fight hard against the grin as you watched the look on Joel’s face.
You were about to offer her to show her to the bathroom when you heard a door upstairs click open, followed from little footsteps, your eyes widening. Joel frowned, his hand immediately searching for his gun, his arm putting Ellie behind himself.
He raised his gun, taking a step forward as you ran around the counter, the knife you had put out to cut the salad now in your hand.
„Gun down,“ you hissed and his head snapped to you, his eyes widening when he saw the knife in your hand. You stood in front of him.
„I will not repeat myself, put the gun down, right now or I will put this knife in your thigh,“ you fingers flexed around the handle of the knife. The footsteps came closer as you kept eye contact with Joel until he slowly lowered his gun. You nodded at him once you saw him put the gun back to wherever it came from, then looked at Ellie who was looking at you with wide eyes, before you let the knife fall down to the floor just in time as Ava jumped the last step down, rounding the corner.
„Potty?“ She whispered shyly, looking up at you with big eyes and you sighed, before you nodded, the people behind you forgotten as you picked your daughter up. You risked a glance at Joel as you turned towards the stairs, your daughter in your arms.
His lips parted as if he wanted to say something, before you practically ran up the stairs.
„Who is the man mommy?“ Ava asked as she was finished, washing her hands like you taught her, making as many bubbles as possible as she rubbed her hands together.
You sucked your bottom lip in as you watched her, your hand brushing over her soft hair.
„That is an old Friend of mommy,“ you explained, and she nodded.
„And the girl?“ She asked.
„That is a friend of him, I think. I am not sure.“
She finished washing her hands and you handed her the towel, her little face full of concentration as she dried her hands, making you smile.
You got down on your knees in front of her, your hands on her shoulders.
„Do you think she’s gonna play with me?“ She asked, hopeful.
„We can ask her,“ you said with a smile.
You weren’t prepared for the sight in your kitchen when you came downstairs. Joel was standing at the counter, the sleeves of his shirt rolled back as he cut the tomatoes with the knife you had threatened with him not only ten minutes ago.
He didn’t look up as you entered the room, but Ellie did. You looked between them warily.
„I’m Ava,“ your daughter chirped and you took a deep breath, Joel still not looking up. Ellie looked at him with a frown, before she sighed, rolling her eyes, and walked towards you.
„I’m Ellie,“ she said and smiled a little and bend down to her knees. Ava looked first at her, then at you.
„Ellie, do you like sea turtles?“ You asked and the girl looked at you.
„Uh…. I guess?“ She said and you smiled.
„Because Ava loves them. Her whole room is full of them,“ you said and saw interest flicker in her eyes.
„Can I see?“ Ellie asked and you nodded.
„You wanna show Ellie your sea turtles?“ You asked Ava and she nodded eagerly.
„Awesome,“ Ellie said, taking Ava’s hand before you could offer to show them, the girls already walking upstairs towards Ava's room.
Which left you alone in the kitchen with….
„How old is she?“ Joel asked, still not looking at you as you turned to face him. He grabbed the cucumber after he had used the knife to put the tomatoes in the bowl you had prepared for the salad, beginning to slice them.
You took a deep breath.
„She turned three last month,“ you said, watching him nod slowly, the knife hitting the cutting board the only noise in the room.
„She has my eyes,“ he finally said and you sucked your bottom lip in, nervous.
„Yeah she has,“ you agreed and he finally looked up at you, setting the knife down, his hands spread out on the counter, resting his whole weight on them.
„Why didn’t you tell me?“ He asked, his voice quiet.
„I didn’t know how. Joel…. You were barely acknowledging me outside of when you were inside of me. You spend all your time with Tess doing god knows what. How would you have reacted if I told you that I was pregnant? You never even acknowledged what we…“ you stoped yourself, shaking your head.
„You should have told me. I could have…“ he stopped himself, searching for what to say and you looked at him, waiting.
„I could have helped you. I would have….“ He shook his head, his hands shaking.
„I’m gonna need a moment. Can you watch after Ellie?“ He asked and you nodded, confused and he nodded back before he walked past you and out of the house.
You just didn’t think it would be almost two days before he got back. You were outside in Bill’s garden, letting the girls help you pick everything that was ready from the garden when you noticed him walk towards the house.
You knew he was still inside the little locked up town Bill had made his safe haven. None of the alerts had went off, indicating he had left. And yeah you could have searched after him, but what good would it have done?
You’ve known him from almost twenty years, and you knew that he needed time to process certain things.
He hadn’t talked to anyone in almost a year after the outbreak and what happened to Sarah.
„Look what the cat dragged in,“ Ellie said as she spotted him and Ava perked up, her little head turning towards where Ellie was looking.
Joel nodded at the girls before he looked at you.
The sun was already setting and you had dinner prepared inside.
„How about we have some dinner and then Ellie can read you some more of the story you started yesterday?“ You asked and both girl smiled at you. Ava ran past Joel who looked after her as she disappeared into the house, Ellie following her.
„Next time you ditch me, at least tell me?“ She glared at him before she walked back into the house. He sighed, running a hand through his messy hair.
„Can we talk?“ He asked.
„After dinner?“ You said, getting up and grabbing the basked full of fresh vegetables.
„Yeah. Yeah okay,“ he nodded and you walked towards the house, giving him a hesitant smile when he grabbed the basket from you and walked inside after you.
It was two hours later that you found yourself on the left corner of your couch, your legs tucked under you, a glass of wine in your hand.
Because this conversation needed some alcohol.
And not only because of what you were about to talk about, but because of the man who was sitting on the other side of the couch, similar glass of wine in his hand.
Because he looked so damn good.
He had showered while you put the girls to bed after dinner, the whole scene feeling so domestic. Like a dream you had many many times before when you were still dreaming.
Dreaming of a normal future.
Dreaming of a normal life.
Dreaming about how it would feel like if Joel Miller loved you back.
Because no matter how much he may have hurt you in the past, you just could not stop loving him.
„I’m sorry,“ he whispered after a while and you turned your head to look at him, his eyes already on you.
„I’m shit at talking about those things….“ He stopped.
„Those things meaning feelings?“ You helped and he groaned.
„Yeah. Always sucked at it. Even before….“
He sighed.
„Sarah would be so angry with me with how I treated you,“ he whispered and your eyes softened. You could count on one hand how often he had brought Sarah up ever since she died.
And while you thought you could understand him in the past, you loved her like yours after all, now that you had Ava, you realised that loosing her would kill you.
It would be something you could never come back from.
But he did.
„I never cheated on you. I know you thought I did, can’t blame your for it. Tess was just…. Fuck, how do I explain this?“ He sighed, his fingers rubbing over his chin.
„I never deserved you. You’re too fucking good for me. For everyone really. Because even after the whole world went to shit, you still had some kindness left for everyone around you. I know how much you hated what we did in the beginning. And I hated myself for putting you through it. I hated myself for putting you through everything I did to you since the moment Sarah died…“ he said and you could see his eyes watering.
„Can’t blame you for hating me and leaving. And not telling me about….“
„Joel….“ You said, setting your glass down and getting closer towards him, your hand reaching for his. Slowly he turned his hand so you could put yours in it, his fingers wrapping around your hand softly.
„I’m not gonna lie and tell you that it’s okay. Cause I was hurting. You were hurting me. Every time you left in the morning without a word. Every time you passed out drunk and drugged after you came back. It was like living with a ghost and it was killing me. That was the reason I decided to leave when I found out. I could…. I couldn’t bring a child into this. And I knew I wanted her before I even met her. Even though it seems crazy to bring a child into this world. But… She was half you. And the thought that there was even the possibility that you didn’t wanted her….“ You took a deep breath.
„Honestly? I can’t tell you how I would have reacted. I was… I was really fucked up in the weeks before you left. I was taking too many drugs. Drank too much. Got too fucking reckless. But that changed when you left,“ he said and squeezed your hand.
„Not right away. It might have gotten worse first but… I got better. Not perfect, but better. And I… Fuck I even talked through some shit with someone. Made me realise I never even told you how much I love you,“ he said and you were pretty sure you stopped breathing as he looked at you, a small smile tilting his lips up.
„Pretty sure I fell for you the first time you walked through my door wearing that pretty baby blue dress. Even though you were way too young for me. Still are. But…. I hope you knew, know. I really fucking love you,“ he said and you felt a tear running down your cheek.
„Can you tell me about her? About Ava?“ He asked before you could form an answer to his confession. And so instead you told him.
You told him about how you craved strawberries your whole pregnancy. How Bill traded one of his guns for the seeds from Tess.
You told him that she only slept through the night in the beginning, when Bill put her to sleep.
You told her how much she reminded you of Sarah when she smiled at you.
You told her how every time you looked at her you saw him.
Hours went by where you two talked, you ending up leaning against Joel’s side, his arm around you. His fingers brushing over your arm, his other hand still holding yours. His lips brushing over your skin when he told you about how Ellie ended up at in his care.
How he wanted to take her to Wyoming to search for his brother who might know how to find the fireflies.
„Do you know where he is?“ You asked and he shrugged.
„Not exactly. I know he messaged me from the Cody tower, so that’s where we’ll be going,“ he mumbled and you nodded.
„We could take Bill’s truck,“ you said and he stilled. You looked up at him.
„We?“ He asked and you chuckled, sitting yourself up so you were facing him, your hand now on his cheek.
„You really think I’m gonna let you go now?“ You asked with a smile.
And then you finally kissed him.
It was decided that you would leave within the next 5 days, giving you enough time to make a list (You always made lists) of everything you had to pack.
Which was a lot. Getting four people across the country on a trip that hopefully would be just like you remembered road trips to be, took a lot of supplies.
And while you were preoccupied deciding which food was best to take, Joel had asked you if he could spend some time with Ava. He wanted to get to know her. And of course, you agreed. Watching him, Ellie and Ava walk towards the garage where they spend hours doing god knows what.
It was almost dark outside when they walked back in, your heart melting as you watched Joel carry a very sleepy Ava inside who told you all about how seatbelts where very scary, something you would make sure to ask Joel about as you took her upstairs, putting her to bed.
The days went by quickly like that.
Joel quickly became Ava’s favourite person which could have to do with the fact, that she was always allowed to sit on his shoulders. Ellie had been confused, yet delighted at the change in the grumpy man she had left the QZ with.
He even got his Dad jokes out, making the teenager groan in mock annoyance throughout the day. Ellie also spend a lot of time with you, wanting to learn everything you offered to teach her. Starting from making protein bars for the trip down to how to properly braid her hair.
Even though she preferred you doing it.
You got the impression that she never really had anyone how just… listened to her or wanted to spend time with her. She told you she grew up in FEDRA School and that her mother had died while giving birth.
She had no family and her best friend (though you got the impression Riley had been more than just a friend) had died not that long ago.
That the only thing she had left in life was her purpose to save the world. Joel had told you that she was immune, Ellie showing you the healed scars to confirm it.
„You know that that’s not the only thing you have left, right?“ You asked her, sitting on the porch next to her, enjoying one last sunset, watching Joel and Ava play soccer. Her little feet chasing after Joel with happy squeals.
„What do you mean?“ Ellie asked and you looked at her with a smile.
„You have us, Ellie. You think we just gonna let you go?“ You asked and she stubbornly shook her head.
„I have to do this. It’s my purpose. I have to save the world,“ she said and looked away from you.
„Are you saying this because you feel that way, or because someone told you so?“ You asked and she looked at you.
„Because it should be your decision what to do and what not. And… think about it, even if they are somehow able to make a cure out of your blood, do you really think they will be able to make enough to make a vaccine for everyone? Who will decide who gets it? And if they end up deciding on giving it to everyone…. There are so many bad people out there. Do they deserve to be saved too?“ You asked and you could see her thinking about your words and you smiled softly at her.
„Even if you don’t like hearing it, your a kid Ellie. You should grow up and live first before you make a decision like that. You don’t even know how they would get whatever they needed from your blood. If I remember correctly Cordyceps grow in the brain, what if they have to get into your brain to get out whatever they need?“ You said and her eyes widened.
„But Marlene….“ She whispered and you reached over her, taking her hand.
„I don’t know how well you know Marlene, but I’ve known her for more than ten years. I know how she manipulates people to get what she wants. You wouldn’t even notice it,“ you said and she sighed.
„I’m gonna think about it,“ she said finally and you gave her a small smile.
„That’s all I ask about. Now how about you get upstairs and take one last long hot shower before we are on the road for days?“ You asked and she nodded, standing up and turning away from you to walk inside the house before she turned back to you and hugged you quickly.
After saying good night to Ellie later you walked towards your daughters room, her little suitcase for her toys laying open next to her bed, waiting for Sluggi to be put into the next morning. She was already in bed, Joel sitting on the floor next to her, reading to her.
You wished you could take a picture of this. Unfortunately the Polaroid camera had broken earlier this year.
„Mommy!“ A tired Ava smiled as she saw you, her arms raised towards you. Joel looked up and smiled at you as you walked over, climbing into the bed behind your daughter, pulling her into your arms.
„What story is Joel reading you?“ You asked.
„The little mermaid,“ she said and you found Joel’s eyes. You had been thinking about it for the last days now. Telling her who Joel really is. He slipped into your life like the missing piece, the man you had fallen in love with all these years back seemingly falling right back into his role as being the best father there ever could be.
So before you could talk yourself out of it you said
„Your sister loved that one too.“
Joel gulped, his eyes growing sad for a moment, before he looked at Ava.
„I have a sister?“ She asked you, her eyes big.
„Mmmh…. Her name was Sarah. She watched the movie every single night before she went to bed,“ you explained and Ava pursed her lips in an ooooh motion.
„There was a movie?“ She asked in awe.
„Oh yeah there was. And a cassette with the music. Can’t remember how often she made me listen to it“ Joel said and smiled softly.
„Where is Sarah?“ Ava asked and your smile went sad.
„She’s where Uncle Bill and Uncle Frank are. Watching over us,“ you explained and she hummed.
„I wish I could hug her,“ she whispered and you nodded, tears in your eyes, squeezing her against your chest, your hand reaching out Joel’s hand finding yours as you kissed her forehead, looking at him who had tears in his eyes.
„Me too baby. Me too,“ you whispered before taking a deep breath.
„You know Joel is her daddy,“ you finally said and she looked at you.
„He is?“ She asked and you nodded.
„I bet he is the best daddy,“ she sighed and you chuckled at Joel’s cheeks turning pink.
„Yeah he is. What would you say if I tell you that Joel is your daddy too?“ You asked and her big eyes looked at you first and then her head turned towards Joel.
„My daddy?“ She asked and both you and Joel nodded with a smile, her smile getting wider, before she jawned.
„I always wanted a daddy,“ she whispered before her eyes dropped close.
You were walking down the stairs to Bill's basement after you showered, finding Joel checking if he could manage to take any more guns. The supplies had all been packed into the truck already, but he just couldn’t bring himself to leave anything of value behind.
He looked up when he heard your footsteps, giving you a small smile.
Walking over to him you were surprised when he reached for you, pulling you into his lap, one of his arms looped around you, his other hand on your cheek, his fingers brushing over your skin.
„I didn’t know you were gonna tell her,“ he whispered and you smiled.
„She deserves to know. I’m sorry I didn’t tell her sooner. If I would have stayed you wouldn’t have missed so much…“ he stopped you by kissing you softly.
„None of that. We both know I would have fucked this up. I would have said some really fucked up things and hurt you even more. So, there’s nothing you have to be sorry for, okay?“ He looked at you, his eyes pleading.
You released a long breath, bringing both of your arms up to cross behind his neck.
„Have I told you lately that I love you, Joel Miller?“ You whispered with a small smile that he mirrored.
„Don’t think so. But I don’t blame you, I gotta say it a lot more often than you to make up for all the years I didn’t tell you. I do love hearing it though. Love you,“ he mumbled before he kissed you again. His lips moving on top of yours slowly, his hand tilting your head up a little so he could deepen the kiss.
With a little sigh you parted your lips for him, his tongue dipping into your mouth, a deep moan coming from him, his arm pulling you closer against him.
There had been lots of making out in the last days, stolen kisses when the girls weren’t in the room, secret touches under the table while you had dinner.
But you haven’t slept together.
And you were ready.
„Joel,“ you mumbled, parting from his lips. He hummed, his lips running down your jaw.
„We aren’t gonna be alone for a while,“ you whimpered, your head tilting up to give his wandering lips some more space.
„What are you proposing?“ He asked, playfully nibbling on your neck.
„I’m proposing that you fuck me, Miller. Right here,“ you gasped when you felt his other hand slip between your legs.
„Right here?“ He asked, his fingers over the seam of your slick panties.
„Mmmmhh….“ You closed your eyes, biting your lip when he pushed the fabric to the side, his fingers dipping between you slick folds, lazily teasing you.
„All that for me?“ He asked and you opened your eyes, crashing your lips against his.
„It’s been almost four years Joel. Please don’t tease me,“ you whined and his eyes softened before he picked you up and set you down on the table behind him. Within the next minutes you were both naked, your hands in his hair as you kissed him as he stood between your parted legs, the heavy weight of his cock resting against your stomach.
„Gonna need to prepare you,“ he hummed, his hands on your ass. You shook your head.
„Please just fuck me. You know I can take it,“ you whined, one of your hands wrapping around his cock, making him hiss. He groaned, sucking your bottom lip between his before he slapped your hand away, his dark eyes fixed on yours as he held his hand out to you. Waiting.
Feeling your whole body heat up you spit in his hand and the left corner of his mouth twitched.
„My good girl,“ he praised you and you couldn’t stop whimpering.
He brought his hand down to wrap it around his cock, coating it in your saliva, before he lined himself up. You had dripped on the table you were sitting on, more than ready to take him.
„I love you,“ he whispered and you looked at him with a soft smile, your lips parting when he slowly pushed his cock into you. Filling you inch by inch, both of you starring into each others eyes.
„Missed this,“ you moaned.
„Missed you,“ you crossed your legs behind him, giving him a little push, his cock finally filing you up completely.
„Fucking Perfect,“ he groaned kissing you again before he began to move, pumping into you slowly.
You let yourself fall back down against the table, stretching your arms over your head, your back arching, your tits moving every time Joel fucked into you.
He licked his fingers, bringing it down between your legs, his thrusts getting harder as he rubbed your clit, your pussy clenching around him.
„Yes… Baby… Just like that….“ You moaned, your hands coming down to play with your tits.
„You gonna be a good girl and cum for me?“ He asked, moving faster, his skin slapping against yours every time he moved.
Nodding, you moaned, your eyes rolling back as you came, your whole body shaking as he fucked you through it.
„Shit….“ He groaned, both of his hands now coming to rest on either side of you as he leaned down, fucking into you deeply, chasing his own orgasm.
„Want you to cum again,“ he grunted, kissing you, drilling his cock into you, the whole table moving over the floor.
„Want you to cum inside me. Let me feel you,“ you whimpered, your hands in his hair, trying to meet his thrusts.
„Fuck that is…. Not a good idea….“ He laughed and you grinned.
„I don’t care. Wanna feel you. Cum for me, Joel. Cum inside me,“ you whispered and he groaned, fucking into you a half dozen times more before you felt him twitch inside of you, filling you, making you cum for a second time.
Both out of breath you looked at each other before Joel leant down and kissed you.
„Sleep in bed with me?“ You hummed against his lips.
„As long as you let me,“ he answered against your lips before you both sneaked upstairs.
Against all odds after six days of a rather boring trip across the country you reached the radio tower in Cody. And two days later a group patrol of people on horses found you, asking you all kinds of questions before a man pulled the bandana that had been covering his face down, revealing Tommy Miller in the flesh.
By now you were living in Jackson for almost a year.
Ellie had decided to stay and live her life, the constant threat of someone looking for her still on the horizon, but it was decided that the town was not in immediate danger. Patrols kept an eye out for fireflies, but they haven’t spotted anyone.
You were living a happy life all things considered.
Ava went to pre school, Ellie went to normal school. They really became sisters in the last year, spending a lot of time together.
Even though Ellie started to spend more and more time with a girl called Dina you suspected was more than just a friend.
Joel was always working on improving the house.
He had changed the most, back to the man he had been before the outbreak. Yes, he still was the protector when he needed to be, but most of the time he was just Joel. Your husband.
„Yellow?“ He asked, holding the can of paint up.
You walked over to him with a smile, nodding.
„It’s a happy colour. I like happy colours,“ you shrugged and he chuckled, setting the can down on the floor before he put his arms around you, pulling you against his chest.
One of his hands came to rest on your growing belly, the baby inside kicking up a storm as if it could sense their dads hand, making you both smile.
„Still think it’s gonna be a girl?“ You asked and he nodded, before he kissed you softly.
„Think I’m meant to be surrounded by beautiful girls,“ he hummed before he kissed you again.
#my fic#Joel Miller#Joel Miller x fem. reader#Pedro Pascal#Joel Miller fanfiction#tlou fanfiction#fanfic#fanfiction#fan fiction
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"Gentleman, you say?"
15! Chuuya x reader
Reader is implied to be fem!, could still be gn!
Warnings: swearing, alcohol
Contents: your mafioso roomate being annoying, fifteen era, mafia! reader, pre-relationship, idiots in love, teen romance, fluff, ooc? chuuya (idk)
Sorry for grammar! Not proofread!
Working in the Port Mafia wasn't so hard.
You were granted a new family, money and status. There were a select few members who were noteably young, as young as teenagers. This was mainly because of the gifted, limiting manpower into making criminal organizations choose children as their subordinates.
You didn't really mind it--being a kid in the mafia. It had it's ups and downs, yes, you did murder; but what would you have been really doing if you tried to live as a civilian as a gifted?
One thing you didn't like though--even hated, was the Port Mafia dormitory.
Constant parties, the overwhelming scent of alcohol and cigarettes in hallways, and don't start on the drama. Your only source of peace was the empty unit next to yours--at least that gave some sort of silence in the dreadful nights of Yokohama. Cramped in the tight apartment that secretly held mafioso teenagers, ones which the other residents thought of as school delinquents.
Until that asshole took it; the short ginger boy with a permanent scowl on his face, the boy who had the best style you had ever seen. And you hated it. Ever since you were fifteen, he and his smelly bandaged friend would storm into his apartment; have the loudest arguments--no, fights in the middle of the night.
Before, if you couldn't sleep, a nice cup of hot milk and basking in the night's breeze would do the trick. Now, there was a 50/50 chance he was there smoking on the balcony next to you, alone or with that annoying mummy boy.
It's been a few months since then, and you were sure that he hasn't even recognized you once as his neighbour; and it pissed you off, considering the amount of sleepless nights he caused you. It was safe to say you had one-sided-beef with the boy who used screaming as his fight or flight response.
And because finding someone absolutely insufferable meant asking numerous people about them, you asked a few of your subordinates who were into drama about said boy, eager to learn more information about him. Because he pissed you off, is why.
"Oh, you mean Chuuya? He like, used to be the King of the Sheep before he joined the mafia, I'm pretty sure." Your friend chided, you and a few other girls were standing in front the doorframe of Kouyou's office, all surrounded in a circle. "Really? That's wild." You scoffed, folding your arms over your chest. "Yeah, and the guy who recruited him is that emo guy; he's supposed to be Bosses successor, right?" She asks, twirling a strand of her hair. "His name is Dazai, and yeah. They're called 'Double Black' or something." Your other friend joined in.
Just as you were talking, a tall woman with ginger hair and pale skin stepped out of her office; her elegent hands clasped together under her pink kimono.
"What are you girls talking about?" The woman questioned, her hair tightly held up by long gold pins. "[Y/N] was just asking about Chuuya, sis." Your friend replied, you scoffed in response. "I was just asking because he's an annoying neighbour!" The other girls laughed. "Oh, Chuuya, I was recently requested to take him under my wing." Kouyou responded, revealing more information. "Actually? What do you think of him?" One of the quieter girls asked enthusiastically, the woman only chuckled in response.
"He's quite the gentleman, I'll say."
Kouyou's words only echoed in your ears as you lay in bed, a pillow ontop of your chest. "Gentleman.." You repeat, staring mindlessly at the ceiling. "Gentleman my ass!" You kick the wall next to your bed to no avail, tightly wrapping your arms around the pillow. "If he was, he would've seen how tired my eyes are from not sleeping.. and finally shut the fuck up.." You mutter with heavy eyelids. It was around 2 am. And it was one of those quiet nights, thankfully; but you still had trouble falling asleep.
As you were about to finally drift off to sleep, cradling your pillow in your arms; a loud strum of a guitar sprung you awake. It sounded like a electric guitar, and the person playing it had a shit ton of energy. A sultry voice sang melodically as loud waves of music crashed from his guitar. You had an idea of who it was.
Storming out of your cramped apartment, only in a thin t-shirt along with loose shorts, you scrammed over to Chuuya's apartment door angerly. "I swear to God.." You curse under your breath, the damn guitar still audible. Closing your fist, you firmly knock on the boy's door.
Knock, knock
The fast-paced strum of a rock song quickly stopped, light footsteps could be heard behind the steel shaft, before he finally unlocks it.
"Yeah?" The boy cracks the door open, he had his short ginger hair down; and he wasn't wearing the black fedora and choker like he usually did. A red and white electric base guitar slung lightly over his shoulder and stomach, the cord connected to the bottom, leading to what you assumed was his bedroom. Chuuya was wearing loose black sweatpants along with an oversized white t-shirt. Even though the boy was small and lean, you couldn't help but notice the exposed muscles on his forearms. 'Shit.' You cursed at yourself, before meeting his stormy blue eyes once more.
"You're so damn loud all the time, can't you play that at another time of day?" You huffed, crossing your arms. "There are people trying to sleep." It wasn't the safest option to yell at a criminal who had possible connections you had no idea of, but you were also a criminal, and would definitely kick his ass if he tried anything, right?
Chuuya looked at you with a slight frown, but you were right in the end, so he sighed and ran his lithe fingers through his ginger locks. "My bad." He mutters, feeling a bit embarrassed. "That's all you can say?" You murmur, you felt a little bad, but he was the waking cause of your terrible eyebags. "You could be a little more quiet next time." You add on, looking off to the side.
"Yeah, I know. My fault." The redhead said, apologizing begrudgingly. You only sighed and assured it's okay now before you soon left. Knowingly storming off into your apartment as the boy watched you with guilt yet irritation on his face.
Although the next morning, you rubbed your eyes and opened the door to take out the trash. Only noticing a small box infront of your doorstep with a yellow sticky note on it, you crouched down to properly read it.
'Sorry we had to meet that way, neigbour. Take this as a peace offering.
- Chuuya N.'
As you opened the box curiously, it was homemade packaged bento, along with a small corgi made out of rice on the side. The stupidity of it made you laugh a little. Even though his handwriting made you question if he knew how to write at all before this; a smile still crept on your face as you took the box and note inside.
"Quite the gentleman, huh?"
#bungou stray dogs#bsd#15 chuuya#bsd chuuya#bsd x reader#chuuya nakahara#chuuya x reader#pm dazai#teen romance#romance#fluff#15 light novel bsd#bsd fanfic#chuuya nakahara x reader#bsd fifteen#dark era bsd#Spotify
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Baby Steps
Satoru Gojo
[Chapter 15] Dinner
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Pairing: Satoru Gojo x f!Reader
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You get ready for dinner, putting on the prettiest dress that fits you. You begin to put on your makeup, trying your best to make it look effortless. For the first time in the past two days, you’re fine. For whatever reason, you’re ready to see what she has that you don’t. Ready to tell yourself that you’re so much better.
“Are you almost ready?” Kaya asks, barging into your room. She finds you putting on lipstick, and she smiles, realizing that at least you’re making the effort to get ready. However, her smile drops when she remembers why you’re getting ready. For a complete idiot. “Are you sure you want to go to dinner?”
“I want to see how they are together. She might eventually become my son’s stepmother.” You almost gag as the word stepmother leaves your lips. Kaya chuckles at your words.
“You really think that she’ll become a stepmother?” Kaya questions as you stand up and begin to look for your coat. You can’t waste too much time since you’re walking to a restaurant that’s at least a fifteen minute walk from your place. “I was upset about the fact that he was seeing someone, but Leiko of all women? If I were you I’d leave the country so you wouldn’t have to share the kid.”
“She’s not so awful. She was just a spoiled child, and she hasn’t grown out of it. Maybe Satoru will change her.” You respond as you put on your coat. You begin to walk to the living room. “Let’s change the topic…”
“Fine.” She rolls her eyes as she follows behind. She waits for you to finish getting ready, which feels like forever. But she doesn’t mind. She doesn’t want to spend too much time with your idiot baby daddy and his stupid girlfriend.
“Do you want to move in? I have an extra room. I could use an extra hand around.” You offer, and before she can accept or decline– Or tell you she has to think about it, you speak again, “You wouldn’t have to pay anything because Satoru pays for everything. And he swears he’ll send me money for groceries and whatnot.”
“Are you serious? I’d love to.” She answers. “I love it more because your stupid baby daddy is paying for everything.”
“I’m thinking about asking him for money so I can buy baby clothes. It’s his fault that I quit my job.” You share, and she smirks. She certainly loves that idea.
“You might as well ask him for more money so you can buy yourself a treat.” She suggests, causing you to smirk back at her.
“This is why you’re my soulmate.”
-
Kaya’s right by your side when you enter the restaurant. Your eyes immediately land on Satoru and Leiko, and the false confidence that you had instilled in yourself is gone. You want to cry when you look at how pretty Leiko looks with her navy blue dress.
You sigh, walking to the table, holding Kaya’s hand. You take a seat across from them in the booth, and Leiko grins. It’s almost wicked, but you tear your eyes away from her and look at Satoru. Satoru looks down at the menu, embarrassed. It’s rare to see him without his shades.
“Look at you, so round and big carrying our baby.” Leiko says, and it takes everything in Kaya not to break the woman’s nose. Satoru is visibly embarrassed, his cheeks pink as he hears that. There’s a lump in your throat, and you regret deciding to come here. “I’m so glad you decided to join us for dinner.”
“Me too.” You lie, clearing your throat. Five minutes then you’ll make up some excuse related to your pregnancy. Then you’ll go back home. Kaya looks back and forth between Satoru and Leiko.
“Satoru wasn’t too sure that you’d join us, but we’re glad that you’re here. I’ve been wanting to talk to you ever since I found out that you were carrying our baby.” Leiko continues, and Kaya takes a deep breath. You’re also taking deep breaths, trying not to burst into tears.
“We’re not staying here for long. Just telling your little boyfriend to deposit money for baby clothes.” Kaya mentions, glaring at Satoru.
“Well… We were talking and we decided that maybe it’s time that you… Become more independent. Now you know that Satoru is in a relationship, and not all of his money can go–” Leiko begins, and Kaya is quick to interrupt her by pretending to reach for a napkin and accidentally spilling Leiko’s drink all over her. Leiko gasps, feeling the ice cold drink soak her dress.
“Oh, I’m sorry.” Kaya can’t help but laugh as she passes Leiko some napkins. “Going back to what you were saying… You do know that Satoru knocked her up, right? It’s his responsibility to pay for whatever she wants. You wouldn’t want his baby to crawl around with ugly cheap clothes?”
“Kaya…” You begin, seeing how she’s getting riled up, and the last thing you need is Kaya causing a scene and spending the rest of the night in a jail cell.
“You know? Like the ones that you wear, Leiko. Satoru doesn’t spend much money on you from what I can tell…” Kaya tries to act innocent but it’s not working. Anyone can see right through it. You end up sighing, looking at Satoru who is too stunned to say anything. He simply doesn’t know what to say. Leiko ends up standing up, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.
“How much money do you need?” Satoru asks once Leiko is gone. You’re about to speak, tell him a small amount of money. But Kaya speaks for you, telling him an absurd amount of money that makes your eyes widen. “Alright, I’ll deposit it later tonight.”
“I guess we’ll be leaving then.” You stand up. Kaya stands up as well. “We’ll see you when the baby comes.”
“Huh?” Satoru questions. He blinks slowly, trying to process your words, “I still want to be involved–”
Well maybe not so involved. Suguru is still out there. Satoru’s best option is to separate himself from you and the baby, until he resolves the situation. “Nevermind. You’re right.”
“Good. Her boyfriend wouldn’t like her spending time with some ugly guy.” Kaya comments, side-eyeing Satoru. Your eyes widen and you have to take a deep breath. You should’ve known that she was about to spit out a lie to hurt him. You usually don’t mind it, but right now it’s one of those instances that you mind. Finding a man that will pretend to be your boyfriend isn’t the easiest task when you’re almost six months pregnant.
Satoru’s heart skips a beat when he hears this. He chews on the inside of his cheeks, trying to decide what to say. “So nice to hear that you found a boyfriend… Maybe I should meet him soon.”
“Uh… Yeah.” You respond. You awkwardly laugh before you and Kaya begin to walk away. You’re thinking about reprimanding her. When you’re out of the restaurant you speak up, “Are you out of your mind?”
“What? We’ll just find you a boyfriend. It’s not that hard.” She tells you, and you sigh.
“Kaya, every day I get bigger and bigger because I’m carrying another man’s child. You really think someone will want to date me right now?” You begin, and she can hear your voice breaking. You’re standing outside the restaurant. You want to begin walking home but your vision is clouded by tears. “The father of my child didn’t even want me, why would someone else?”
“Baby, he’s a complete dumbass.” Kaya wraps her arms around you. “I’m sure many other men want you, Satoru just couldn’t handle all that you were giving him. I saw Leiko and all I could think was how much of a dumbass he is. On your worst days you manage to look way better than she does at the moment. Plus you’re smarter. Funnier. Kinder. He doesn’t deserve you.”
“I love you so much, Kaya.” You sob, hugging her back.
“I love you too.”
You don’t feel the pairs of eyes that watch you through the restaurant’s window as the scene unfolds. Satoru sips on his water, hating himself because he doesn’t dare to stand up and comfort you. That he cares for you.
He feels trapped. He’s trying to figure out what to do to protect you while trying to avoid the mortal choice of ending someone’s life. That would end everything though. Maybe Satoru isn’t mature enough to know what to do. At twenty-one years he can’t decide if he wants to kill an old friend for the sole purpose of being with the mother of his child.
“That stupid Kaya. Spilling my cocktail all over my dress. That stupid bitch doesn’t know how much this costs.” Leiko comes back to the table, ranting about the incident that just happened. She watches Satoru who stares at the window, still watching how you and Kaya hug. He’s almost on the verge of tears.
“Do you think they’re like… together?” Leiko questions, making Satoru sigh.
“Do you want something else from here?” His annoyance is clear through his voice, but Leiko chooses to ignore it. She shakes her head, but Satoru doesn’t bother to look. “Please use your words.”
“No, I’m ready to go.” She responds, making Satoru stand up. He grabs a couple of bills to cover the check, dropping them on the table before walking away.
When he exits, you’re gone from the spot that you stood at. He sees you walking with Kaya, and while he yearns to walk with you, he has to turn the other way.
He hasn’t known you for that long and he can’t picture his future without you in it. It hasn’t even been a week, and he misses you like a maniac. He dreads the feeling of loss that runs through his body. It intensifies at the thought of you having a boyfriend. He knows it’s a lie, but just the thought drives him mad– It’s not loss though but rather,
Jealousy.
🏷 @witchofoe @cactustattoo @kageyamaslittleroyal20 @mykyoon @sunjayist @fonkymonkeyfriday @lilith412426 @luvs-wrld @witchymermaid12 @fi106 @distractionforyourthoughts @dearsunaa @tamak00 @watyousayin @leiriswhore @q-the-rockaholic @shuxjodie @syynnaaah @kleeboomed @shrekmwa @bakugobiddies @blueeskies17 @arminsgfloll @obeythemasters @crispmarshmallow @levismainbabe
#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#anime#jujutsu kaisen x reader#gojou satoru x you#jjk gojo#gojo x reader#gojou satoru x reader#satoru gojo#jujutsu gojo#gojo fanfic#gojo x y/n#gojo satoru#jujutsu kaisen gojo#gojo saturo
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WE WERE ALLOWED TO ASK FOR TREATS??!!!?!?
*sobs in too busy to check tumblr yesterday*
Okay - I almost went back to that post and tagged you because you're so damn supportive and your comments always make me feel seen as a writer...but then I got 7 asks all within like 15 fifteen minutes and my brain got frazzled. SO, you're late but it's okay, you deserve it anyway.
"Trick or treat?"
"It's the first of November." Steve scoffed, backing away from the door so Eddie could step inside.
"Yeah....I'm late." He shrugged like 'what are you gonna do?' but then he huffed a laugh, "Or maybe I'm getting an early start for next year."
Rolling his eyes, Steve grabbed the almost empty bowl from the side table, "Well, all I've got left is the Mars Bars and a few Milky Ways."
Eddie stuffed his hands in his jacket pockets and tapped his sneaker on the tile of the entryway. His plan had been to do this last night, say 'trick or treat' and then offer himself up as the treat. To just...put himself out there. In a big way. Like he'd never been brave enough to do before. But he'd gotten almost all the way here and turned around - twice.
This was Steve. Steve Harrington. Nevermind the status and the money and the fancy car. This was Steve. The guy who'd dragged Eddie's lifeless body back through the gate and kept watch over him in the hospital to make sure the staff didn't 'accidentally' let him die. This was Steve. The guy who had been valiantly trying to make Eddie feel welcomed and less alone.
And Eddie was 99% sure that Steve has been hitting on him for months. He blushed around Eddie all the time for christsakes! But Eddie was such a fucking coward. He couldn't even bring himself to flirt back because that would mean exposing himself to the possibility of rejection.
Last night he'd dressed up like Danny Zuko from Grease because they'd watched it together on one of their weekly movies nights. Steve really loved that movie and had made many jokes - possibly flirtations - about 'summer lovin' and how he understood Sandy's turmoil about dating someone so different from who everyone thought she should date. It should have been a sure thing but Eddie had chickened out. Just like always.
Eddie blew his breath out long and slow, stared resolutely at the HHS on the leg of Steve's old basketball sweats. "What if...what if I wasn't asking? What if that was an offer?"
The HHS got closer as Steve stepped into Eddie's space, "You hiding candy in your pockets or were you offering something else?" Steve didn't touch, even though he was close enough to.
Eddie dragged his eyes up, meeting Steve's hopeful - thank god - ones and he just....said it, "Me? I'm offering me."
Steve grinned, biting his bottom lip and looking relieved. He stepped even closer, sliding his arms around Eddie's neck, resting their foreheads together, "Then...happy day after Halloween to me, I guess."
#trick or treat asks#this was almost a white rabbit ficlet#stranger things#steddie#I'll eat the mars bars and the almond joys thank you
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OC in fifteen
Thanks @k-v-briarwood and possibly some other people for tagging me :D Gonna do my boi (gender neutral) Trickster <3
“Are you going to comment on every law I break? Because that may keep us here a while.”
2. “I'm... more of a lady, actually."
3. “Have to [lie]? No. Want to? Absolutely.”
4. “So you had a giant crush on the man, we get it. Mind skipping to the part where you lure him to a tower to murder him?”
5. “Scared of the undead. As if. Think if I tell her I’ve a phobia of small business owners she’ll let me stay home?”
6. “Possessions, huh? Tell you what, give me a few days and a fast horse—”
7. “Well, I’m sure Llanedd would love to join in! Such a shame you don’t need both of us. Oh well, maybe next time.”
8. “I thought it might look better out of natural light, but alas. That dress is certifiably hideous.”
9. “Well luckily for you, I happen to not only be an excellent thief, but also an excellent liar."
10. Tell her I said this, and I’ll kill you, but Anarchy is probably the best lock-breaker in the kingdom. She’d probably be even more famous than me if she could get over her weird obsession with following the law.”
11. "Okay, so technically-"
12. “Drop a few vague hints implying you know more than you actually do and the mark’s guilty conscience will do the rest. Not that you’re a mark.”
13. "What if we never get out? What if we die in here?? I'm too pretty to die in prison!"
14. "They think being rich somehow makes them smarter than the rest of us, as if it somehow takes brains to inherit a bunch of money and then leave it sitting around gaining interest. Getting past all their ridiculously expensive security systems, pulling one over on them, it's my way of showing them they're not as smart as they think they are."
15. "Finding my self-worth in outsmarting complete strangers. Maybe you're not the only one who needs therapy."
Tagging @sentfromwolves @ahordeofwasps @space-writes if you want to ^^
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this is us ~ jjk | 15
let's have that baby, shall we?
✨ title: this is us | (sequel to all grown up)
✨ pairing: jungkook x f!reader | ✨ rating: m/18+ | minors dni
✨ genre/au: drama, romance, angst, fluff, smut | est!relationship, age gap, bff's younger brother
✨ playlist | AO3 & Wattpad
✨ a/n: if you haven’t read the prequel to this, please do so here! :)
✨ a/n 2: wowieeee! tumblr has caught up and now readers here will have to wait for my sporadic updates 🙃 i apologize in advance lol. we only have a few more chapters left before their journey ends :'( but i have some fun things planned for when it's over. stay tuned.
[ SERIES MASTERLIST ] | next ✨ drabble ~ it'll be okay (jk pov)
chapter fifteen - here comes baby | wc: 5.4k
warnings: language, alcohol consumption, depressing thoughts, self deprecation (oc has hit rock bottom, okay?), tears + angst (obvs)
~ three weeks since the breakup ~
Work was work, and it distracted you about everything Jeon Jungkook. After everyone had left, you sat in the writer's room, realizing it was the first time in a long time that you felt truly alone. You jumped from relationship to relationship to fill the void left by loneliness, but each breakup made it worse, and this one was the worst of them all.
You even avoided Yuna and Namjoon's because you wanted to avoid seeing Jungkook's face in family photos. Along with avoiding the newlyweds, Hyunie and Tae would just give you pitiful stares and pouts. You didn't dare to cross Jin because you were afraid he'd tell you how Jungkook was doing in LA and maybe even mention Alex.
But alas, you could only bury yourself in work for so long until it was time to head home.
Lights didn't exist in your life for the past two weeks, convincing yourself you were trying to save money on your energy bill, but you knew the real reason–the darkness on the outside reflected what you were feeling on the inside.
The brown box sat in the corner of your entryway, greeting you as you entered and exited. You considered throwing it away without looking at it, but something inside you wasn't ready to let go. If you'd thrown it away, you'd have contemplated its contents for far too long, berating yourself because what if there was something important in there? So leaving it in the corner until you were ready to look through it was a better option.
You blame the half-empty bottle of wine sitting next to the box on your coffee table. The alcohol coursing through your veins causes you to become sentimental and unable to think clearly. It's just a stupid box, but why were you so afraid to look through it?
It wasn't heavy or anything; it was pretty light. Perhaps Jungkook had thrown away a lot of things he didn't want to bring to LA. You understood, though, because you'd want to start over, fresh, new, with no baggage. Who would want to bring bad memories to a new place?
The wine glass was calling your name again, so you took another sip, finished it, and set it down. You closed your eyes and sighed as you ran your hand through your hair. It's now, or never, you reasoned. 'Never' sounded better, but you knew it couldn't be true.
Come on, you said to yourself, it's just a box. It's not that fucking hard.
You averted your gaze, your hand digging around for what appeared to be a pair of glasses. And you were correct when you examined it. They were your favorite pair, and you had been looking for them for a long time. That's where you left them, then.
You set them down and continued rummaging through the box, this time paying attention to the mementos. There was a dried peony from your first official date when he decorated Jin's rooftop, a mug the two of you painted together, with the tasteful side being Jungkook's and the not-so-pretty side being yours, and a few books and items of clothing.
A black binder clip held the last thing you took out together. You cocked your head, unsure what it could be, and it snapped as you unclipped it, causing you to yelp as it flew across the table, rattling against the mug. Fortunately, it did not break.
The couple in the polaroid was almost unrecognizable. They appeared younger, happier, and full of life and joy—all of which you lacked at the time. Your attention was drawn to the neat handwriting on the bottom–1 month.
You moved on to the next polaroid–two months. The next one was labeled three months, and so on, until you got to the last one, which was labeled nine months with a question mark. Except you weren't in the picture; only Jungkook was. You had to recall your relationship timeline and remember when you proposed a break. You could only imagine how Jungkook felt throughout it all, and you admitted to yourself that you put him through a lot. It wasn't fair to keep him at bay, but you couldn't figure out what you wanted if he were there to persuade you.
He didn't appear happy in the photo, rather tired. But you couldn't stand looking at it any longer. It was too painful to look at that last polaroid of him by himself, so you flipped it over, along with the rest of the polaroids, unsure what to do with them.
After going through the rest of the box containing small trinkets, you could probably throw them away. You half-expected to find your boudoir session photo album in there. But he might have burned it, as you would. Although a small voice in your head told you, he kept it. Your heart fluttered at the thought of him pulling it out to look at it now and then—heck, you even did it when you needed an ego boost. However, he'd be looking at it for different reasons. Regardless, you'll never know what happened to it, and you wouldn't dare to ask if he still had it.
Picking up the wine bottle, you didn't bother to pour it into your glass. The percentage of the wine didn't hit double digits, but you were a weak bitch tonight and grabbed a Moscato, which was practically a sweet and sugary drink packaged in a pretty wine bottle and label. Maybe your emotions were heightened because you sucked at holding your liquor, but you wanted to drown yourself in whatever was left remaining in the bottle.
You wiped the dribble of wine from your chin and grimaced as you inhaled the alcohol. Maybe you shouldn't have done it, but you were sick of feeling anything and desire to be numb.
You stood, leaving everything as it was, and shuffled to the bedroom, not bothering to clean it up. As you crawled beneath the covers, the duvet felt cool. Nighttime became the worst part of the day for you; during the day, you could keep yourself busy, but at night, there was nothing to do but race your mind like there was no end as if your mind would never shut down and just let there be silence.
You rolled onto your side, staring at the space that Jungkook used to occupy, only to find it empty. Emptiness is taking up a lot of space in your life these days, and you've thought, what if you weren't meant to be happy? There were happy memories in your life, but the bad had recently outweighed the good, and there wasn't enough good to offset the gloomy feelings.
Friday night rolled around, another week gone, another weekend to endure. Your apartment was supposed to be a place of solace and rest. Still, everywhere you looked, memories of you and Jungkook were scattered–imprinted with happy moments, flashbacks of back hugs, peppered kisses, and instances of magnetic, lust-filled encounters after long days of not seeing each other. Goosebumps trickled across your skin, thinking about Jungkook's touch and how much you missed it.
The last sexual encounter with him replayed in your mind for days on end, and you found yourself charging your vibrator more than your phone these days.
Stupid, you know. But it was hard not letting your mind wander off. You broke it off, but why were you still trying to hold onto him? Healing takes time, and you just want to hurry and try to find the light at the end of the tunnel. You didn't want to wallow in the darkness anymore.
You didn't bother to try and see if anyone was available to hang out, you were sure they were all busy with their significant others, and you were somewhat becoming accustomed to this routine of sitting at home and doing nothing. It was like clockwork–wake up, eat, work, eat, come home, eat, and sleep. You became lost in the same routine, your body, and mind on autopilot once you came home.
You had dozed off, mindlessly staring at your phone, not realizing it had rung a few times before you finally picked up the call. "Hey, Yuna." You only heard labored breathing from the other end.
"Yuna? Are you okay?"
"I think–I think the baby's coming."
You heard shallow gasps before she groaned. Your eyes widened. "What? It's too early, isn't it?"
"I know, that's what I thought too, but I really think the baby's coming, and Namjoon left on a last-minute work trip because we didn't think the baby would be here."
"Okay–" you paused, putting your thinking hat on. "Do you have everything packed for the hospital?"
Yuna groaned louder before she answered, "Yeah, yeah. I've had it ready for weeks."
"Good. I will call the ambulance and send them over to your place. I'll call Namjoon and tell him what's happening, and then I'll meet you at the hospital. Okay?"
Yuna couldn't get any words out. She only hummed before hanging up.
You rushed to your room, grabbed a change of clothes and a few toiletries, stuffing everything into an overnight bag. Slipping on your shoes, you paused to pat down your pockets to ensure you had the essentials–wallet and phone.
Once the door slammed shut, you ordered a taxi on an app, then placed a call to Namjoon, which went straight to voicemail. Fuck, you thought. He was going to hate himself if he missed the arrival of his baby, and also, who goes on a trip so close to their baby's birth? But then again, Yuna was only thirty-six weeks.
"Hey, Namjoon. It's me. Yuna's going into labor right now, and I'm meeting her at the hospital. Call me when you get this."
It was the best you could do at the moment. You hoped he would see your call and get back to you soon.
Nearly fifteen minutes later, your taxi finally shows up. You called Yuna again, but there was no answer. You figured she could already be at the hospital, so she wasn't picking up.
There wasn't much you could do but wait. Per hospital rules, no one was allowed to go into the room. It was a dumb rule, you thought. How was a person supposed to go through something like this alone?
You were constantly checking your phone, double-tapping the screen to find no notifications from Namjoon. Should you call again? But what good would that do if he had not heard your first voicemail? You ran your hand through your hair, sighing and hating that you couldn't do anything but wait.
Once again, you were stuck in a hospital. You didn't want to wander off in case someone came looking. Maybe you could try to sleep since you didn't know how long birthing a baby could take. You looked around, but there were no comfortable spots to lie down. Slouching in your seat, you pulled out your phone again, swiping to unlock the screen, then opened Instagram, aimlessly scrolling through your feed.
Hyunie and Tae, the happy newlyweds, appeared before you, all cozy and lovey-dovey on their last-minute honeymoon getaway. They were love shacking it up in Phuket for the weekend. Lucky rascals, you thought. You wished you could leave on a whim and have no responsibilities. You double-tapped, leaving a heart on their photo.
You looked up from your phone when you saw someone sprinting into the waiting room and coming to a halt. Jin stood before you, out of breath, leaning over with his hands on his knees.
"I'm–" He looked up, giving a dismissive wave of his hand. "I'm fine."
You chuckled, searching for a water bottle in your bag. You held it out for him as he sat beside you, and he mumbled thanks before taking a few large gulps.
"Well–fancy seeing you here," Jin said as he was hunched over, his forearms resting on his thighs, swiping the water running down his chin.
You nudged his arm. "Don't be a smartass."
"I can't help it," he shrugged. "It's in my nature." Jin nudged you back, trying to lighten the mood, and you smiled in return.
"Wait–how did you know I was here?"
"Namjoon called me. Told me about Yuna."
You blinked profusely. Namjoon called Jin before he called you? Well, at least you knew Namjoon had heard your voicemail.
"I think he was going to call you back, but his phone must've died. He's trying to get a flight out right now."
Whew. You were relieved to hear that, and maybe he would get back in time for the baby's birth.
"How, uh, how are you? I haven't seen you in a while." He straightened his posture, peering at you.
The last time you saw Jin was when you made a fool of yourself by slapping Alex and causing a scene in front of his colleagues and Jungkook. "I'm okay," you reply, not wanting to dive into further details of how you are really doing. Honestly, these last few months have sucked big time, and you weren't just going to spill everything onto him. It wasn't the time or place, nor did you want to burden Jin with your emotions.
"I'm fabulous, by the way. Couldn't be better. I renovated my kitchen–the layout is much better than before, and the island is bigger, so feel free to come over and cook whenever you want."
Your lips thinned in an attempt to smile, but you understood that Jin was trying to be friendly and make small talk, which you were grateful for because you didn't feel like chatting too much. "I'm not the best cook, but apparently, the pasta you made for Jungkook and me was delicious." The mention of Jungkook made you suck in your lips for fear of wanting to bring up his name again.
Jin nodded. "It's all thanks to YouTube and TikTok. Sometimes I think I could do that, you know, make cooking content. I'd love to quit my job."
"Oh, really? You should–or I mean, at least, you could do it on the side as a hobby. It'll give you a nice break from your job, doing something you enjoy. And I'm sure you'd have a lot of followers."
"Hmm. I might consider that. Thanks."
"Anytime."
Both of you avoided each other's gaze, searching around the waiting room for something to look at, only to look at each other and give awkward smiles and chuckles.
"This is weird, isn't it?"
"I don't know what you mean," Jin tries to play it off, and you're thankful for it. "I'm not weird. You're not weird. I don't know how this is weird."
"Okay, now you're making it weird," you both laugh. Jin apologizes, but you shrug it off. "You don't have to say anything if you don't have anything to say. I don't mind the silence."
Jin nodded in agreement, but of course, he was never one to be good with silence. He waited a few minutes before speaking again.
"Where do baby fish sleep?" You turned and gave him an expressionless face, blinking at the worldwide handsome man before you. "A bass-inet. Get it?" He let out a fake laugh, then apologized again.
"I bet you weren't good at the quiet game when you were a kid."
He shook his head. "Nope. My mom still loved me, though." You smiled and shook your head, and Jin's knee nudged yours. "Come on, that was a good joke!"
You hummed, but you wouldn't give him the satisfaction of verbalizing it. Even though Jin wasn't good at the quiet game, you didn't want to chat further because you could sense the giant elephant in the room. And in your mind, the flashing neon sign blinked, 'Jungkook.'
Jin stayed quiet for as long as he could before he broke the silence again. You could see him from your peripheral view, gazing at you, and yes, you would ignore it.
"Just ask me about him. I know you want to."
You sighed, shifting in your seat. "I don't know what you're talking about." You looked up at the digital sign in the waiting room, and you could've sworn it read, 'Jungkook.'
"It's written all over your face."
You fiddled with your thumbs, tilting your head to the side. Of course, you wanted to know how Jungkook was doing, and it has been on your mind every minute of every day since he left. But the thing was, you didn't know if you wanted to know the details of his new life in LA.
"Well, since you won't ask. I'll just tell you." You turned to him, about to ask him to stop, but he continued, "He's doing okay. He's settling into his new place and the new role at the company, and in case you're wondering," he paused, "Alex has been away on vacation, so he hasn't had to deal with her."
Your heart leaped at the name. You knew her name would come up sooner or later, but it still hurt to hear it. Many scenarios were running through your head. Would he go back to her? Would she manipulate him somehow? Make him feel guilty so he would run back to her?
Regardless of what would happen between them, it wasn't your place to say anything. Jungkook's a big boy, and he chose to leave. No one forced or convinced him otherwise. It was out of the blue because he never spoke to you about the job opportunity. Well–you guess you weren't the only one keeping secrets.
"You're too nice to ask. That's why I told you."
Jin was correct because, in your mind, it would've been easier to come up with a million possible situations than to know the truth. A part of you was relieved, and the other was riddled with anxiety. Truthfully, you just wanted to see if he was okay, so you were at least grateful to know that he was.
You smiled thinly at him, mumbling thanks before standing up and walking to the receptionist's desk. You wanted to focus on your best friend, not your ex-boyfriend.
Four hours since you arrived.
And there was no word about how Yuna was doing. You guessed no news was good news, right? Otherwise, you would've heard something by now.
Jin continued being his friendly self–making small talk and cracking jokes, trying to keep the situation light. You were appreciative because it was able to take your mind off the Jeon family.
But tiredness began to kick in. You walked over to the coffee vending machine, finding it wasn't working—just your luck. So you strolled back to the waiting room and heard someone softly call your name. You looked up to see a familiar face.
"Hi, sweetheart."
It became a familiar greeting from Jungkook's mom. She walked up to you and pulled you in for a hug. She held you a lot longer than you anticipated, and simply put; it was exactly what you needed right now. Your body crumbled into her frame, your head leaning on her shoulder, turning away from her, your eyes starting to pool with tears. You withdrew from her embrace, giving her the best smile you could when your eyes met hers. Immediately, you responded with, "I'm sorry."
She knitted her brows in confusion, tilting her head. "What are you apologizing for, sweetheart?" Her right hand cupped your cheek, her thumb gently wiping the tear that fell.
You were apologetic about Jungkook. Yuna not only lost her younger sibling, but his mother also lost her son. It was impossible not to feel responsible, and your glistening eyes and glum smile were enough for her to understand what you meant.
She gave a dismissive wave of her hand. "You do not need to apologize for Jungkookie. It's not your fault, do you hear me?" She cupped your face again, her eyes intently staring into yours, and you nodded in agreement. "Are you okay, sweetheart?"
You bit the inside of your cheek, unsure how to answer this question whenever someone asked. Should you smile through the pain and say you're fine? But you shook your head no.
"C'mere."
She drew you in for another embrace, gently caressing your hair and assuring you that everything would be fine and that you had nothing to worry about. Your small sniffles and silent weeping persisted as you reflected on your mother. How can someone unrelated to you adore you more than your so-called family? You had practically driven away this woman's son, but she told you it wasn't your fault. Yuna and Jungkook were so lucky to have someone who loved them as much as she did.
Growing up the way you did with your family, it was always hard to express your emotions, so you kept them bottled up and pushed them away like they didn't exist because you felt like you couldn't be your true self around those who were supposed to love you. It took a long time for you to open up to Yuna before you finally let yourself trust her–trust that she would be your person.
But with Yuna and Jungkook's mother, it was different. It felt like home, and it felt right–a place where you were welcomed and not judged. She had always made you feel that way.
You broke away from her hug, wiping your tears. God, you hated crying, and these last few months had been nothing but constant tears. You wondered how much you could bottle up before you erupted, spilling out years of suppressed emotions. Everything you had been carrying since you were a child until now weighed heavily. The deep ache in your heart was waiting for its final release.
"I wish I had left instead of him."
Yuna's mother raised your chin with her index finger, her warm eyes meeting yours. "Jungkookie will come back. I know he will, but if you left," she paused, "I don't know if you would, sweetheart. We need you here–"
"No one needs–"
"We need you here," she repeated sternly. "Stop telling yourself otherwise." She gently patted your cheek before walking off to the receptionist.
You knew she was right. You knew how easy it would be for you to disappear off the face of the earth, start over and pretend like you didn't have a former life. But you loved your friends and your job, and those were the few things you could hold onto.
Jin set his phone down when you strolled back into the waiting room. He scanned your face before asking, "You good?"
You nodded yes. "I'm just tired," you explained, slouching beside him.
He patted his shoulder. "I hear these broad shoulders make for a great pillow," he smirked.
"I'll be fine, Jin."
"Oh, come on. Don't be so stubborn."
"I'm not stubborn."
"You are."
"I'm–"
Jin glared before using his chin to gesture to his shoulder. You rolled your eyes at the handsome man, sliding over to lay your head against him.
"See, it wasn't that hard, was it?" You were going to speak again, but he held his finger up. "Bup-bup-bup. It's sleepy time."
Eight hours since you arrived.
It felt like you were caught in a transitional state of consciousness between wakefulness and sleep, a feeling you hated because you didn't feel as well-rested when you awoke. Your mind wanders to the untapped subconscious abyss, along with ceaseless thoughts of the weirdest things.
You hummed when a light tap of your leg disrupted the stream of never-ending thoughts. Your eyelids, heavy from sleep, fluttered open to see the dad-to-be kneeling before you.
"Hey, you're here," you mutter, your voice still groggy as you sit up, nudging Jin awake.
"Do you guys wanna see the baby?"
Your eyes widened at his remark. Have you been asleep for that long? You could've sworn you were waiting forever while awake, but once you closed your eyes, Yuna and baby were here instantly.
Clearing your throat, you grabbed your belongings and kicked Jin one last time because he was taking his sweet time waking up. You followed Namjoon down the hall and through the secured doors. Faint crying from newborn babies echoed in your ears as you turned the corner into Yuna's room.
Your best friend was fast asleep in the hospital bed while her mother was holding her granddaughter, quietly humming a lullaby you so faintly remember her singing occasionally. The corners of her mouth curved into a smile as she handed the baby off to Namjoon.
He walked over, cradling the sweet newborn in his arms. She was adorned in a knitted lavender hat with a large bow while swaddled in a muslin blanket. She looked so warm and cozy, all bundled up. Your heart swelled, staring at this precious little human.
"Do you wanna hold her?" Namjoon asked, looking at the pair of you, and you nodded. Who wouldn't want to hold this sweet girl? He carefully handed her off to you. Soft grunts left her tiny mouth as she was placed into your arms.
"What name did you guys decide on?"
Namjoon smiled. "Indie. It's a bit unconventional, but she just looked like an Indie when we saw her."
You uttered her name before looking at Namjoon. "I love it."
Yuna's mother called out to Namjoon, asking him to help her prepare some food for Yuna.
You turned to Jin, bringing Indie closer to him. "Do you wanna hold her?"
He shook his head no. "Nah–I don't really like babies. They're not my thing."
You chuckled. "Don't say that, or you won't be her favorite uncle," you teased, returning your gaze to the sleeping baby.
"I have her whole life to win her over," Jin smirked, folding his arms across his chest. He tiptoed away, pretending to be distracted by something.
Indie grunted again, trying to stretch and wiggle in your arms. With her eyes still closed, she smiled briefly before resting her expression. You continued gazing at this perfect little person who just entered the world, who knew nothing of hurt, pain, or loss, and you wanted to keep it that way for as long as possible–keep her innocence and purity. You wanted to protect her at all costs, love her so she would never doubt herself. Support her in everything she wanted to try, make every dream of hers come true. How could you want all of this for someone you'd just met? How could you love this little one so much when you knew nothing about her, and she wasn't even yours?
By extension, she was family. She'll call you Auntie, come to you for advice when she can't go to her mom or dad, ask you to take her shopping, and you'd do everything and more–you'd spoil her like she was your own.
Your lips quivered, eyes welling up with tears as you brought baby Indie closer, your cheek nuzzled against her head. This could've been you holding your baby, but it wouldn't have been the right situation to bring a baby into the world. Even though you were sure you'd love your baby, you wanted to be in a better place. A baby deserves a family that would love them and go to great lengths for them, and you didn't have that at the time with U-jin.
But with Jungkook, it would've been different if you were pregnant. You sat with daydreams too often about what kind of father he'd be. You imagined he'd play with them all day until it wore them out, and they were too tired to play. He would sneak them snacks and candies when you weren't looking. And like you, he'd fight to build the best life for them. However, these
daydreams were nothing but that–reveries of things never coming true.
"Hey, are you okay? What's wrong?" Namjoon asked with knitted brows.
You exhaled deeply, hugging her again before returning her to Namjoon. "Yeah–yeah, I'm okay. I'm just so happy for the three of you." You turned away to wipe your tears, catching a glimpse of Jin trying not to catch you at this moment, but it was too late.
Namjoon took Indie, sitting on his makeshift bed, quietly shushing her and rocking in place to keep her asleep. He and Yuna have come a long way, and you couldn't be more ecstatic to go on this new journey and see them become parents.
You walked over to sit in the chair next to Yuna's. She was beginning to stir awake, still groggy from labor. Her eyes fluttered open, her lips curving into a smile. "Hey," she muttered, trying to shift into a sitting position.
"Hey. How are you feeling, mama?"
Yuna chuckled. "Mama. I'm going to have to get used to that." You smiled and nodded yes. "I'm tired. I just pushed a seven-pound bowling ball out of a tiny opening."
You laughed. "You did great." You looked over at Namjoon, then back to Yuna. "Are you ready for another one?" You couldn't help but tease.
"Oh god–if Namjoon goes anywhere near me, I will murder him. I can't do this again."
"I'm sure you'll change your mind," Namjoon chirped, standing to rock Indie in his arms.
You rolled your eyes and shook your head at your favorite couple. You were sure they would have more kids in the future, and you could see them with at least one more.
Turning to Yuna, you held her hand. "Do you need anything before I go?"
She shook her head, looking at her mom, who finished preparing her meal. She placed her hand on top of yours, squeezing it.
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"For being here. I couldn't have done this without you."
You chuckled. "That's what best friends are for, right? We do everything together, even have babies." You stood, leaning to kiss the top of her head. "Get some rest, okay? Let me know when you get home, so I can visit and hold baby Indie while you and Namjoon sleep."
She hummed, pressing her lips together, squeezing your hand one last time. "Love you."
"Love you too."
Jin offered to take you home, and you couldn't help but laugh a little because he probably wanted an excuse to leave and not have to be around the new parents-to-be and their baby. You understood it, though not everyone is comfortable around babies and children.
The ride home was quiet, which was surprising. You thought he'd at least have one more dad joke in his pocket, ready to go. He pulled to a stop in front of your place. You turned to thank him for the ride, but the desolate expression on his face made you pause.
"Everything okay?"
He cleared his throat. "Can I ask why you were upset at the hospital?"
The reasons could go on for hours, but you wouldn't subject Jin to listening to you rattle on about your problems. "I'm just going through a lot right now."
"Is it because I mentioned Jungkook? I realized now that it was insensitive of me to tell you even though you didn't ask to hear about him."
"It's fine, Jin. Don't worry about–"
"No, please let me apologize." Your lips thinned into a straight line, nodding to let him continue. "I'm sorry. I knew you wouldn't ask about him, and I can only imagine what you're going through. Just to let you know, I'm also mad at him for leaving like that. You didn't deserve that, and you at least deserved a goodbye in person."
"We both hurt each other, so I understand why he did what he did, and I'm not mad at him for leaving like he did. I'd be gone if I wasn't working on this new TV show.
"You can't leave. You're not allowed to."
You laughed. "And what do you need me for?"
Jin shrugged. "I don't know. I have to think about it." You smiled, hanging your head down, and he nudged your arm, making you peer at him. "Don't be a stranger. Call me if you need anything–a midnight snack, someone to watch a movie with, whatever, it doesn't matter. I'll be there. We're friends, okay?"
When you didn't respond, he gave you a threatening look. "Okay, okay. Yes, I'll call if I need anything." You grabbed your things, ready to open the door.
Jin grabbed your wrist. "Hey, you're gonna be fine."
You forced a smile and hummed. You knew how you were feeling, and where you are right now was not where you'd always be. It could take days, weeks, or months to be genuinely okay. But you would be, eventually.
✨ next ~ drabble ~ it'll be okay (jk pov)
#jungkook fanfic#jungkook fic#jungkook drama#jungkook angst#jungkook romance#jungkook x y/n#jungkook x reader#jungkook x noona#bts fanfic#bts fic#bts x reader#bts x y/n
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OC in Fifteen
Thanks to both @drabbleitout and @pertinax--loculos for tagging me, this is neat! Because I was tagged twice, I will participate with two characters (Ben and Reagan across the Partners "series"*), totaling in thirty quotes.
Rules: Share 15 or fewer lines of dialogue from an OC, ideally lines that capture the character/personality/vibe of the OC. Bonus points for just using the dialogue without other details about the scene, but you're free to include those as well!
Tagging @drippingmoon, @sleepy-night-child, @ashen-crest, @zmwrites, @sleepyowlwrites, @druidx, and anyone else who wants to do this 👍🏽
Reagan—
"Alright, who's the boy? Is he too young to knock out? Doesn't matter—either way I'm gonna have words."
"Give me some credit; my head's not that big."
"I haven't seen you in two days. If I don't see you today I may actually die of neglect."
"We're here now, and we'll be here for the next three hours, so relax and don't hit my partner when he's trying to be nice."
"Your little guys could get through a brick wall. I'm not sure if I should be proud, but I kind of am, Ben."
"You still kiss your mommy? What a baby."
"You realize how monumentally full of shit you are, yes?"
"If I used one of those [bathrooms], I wouldn't have been able to enjoy this wonderful bonding moment between us."
"Oh, kid, don't ask, okay? My rapport with married women is nothing I want you to imitate."
"If you ever run your fuckin' mouth to a man pointin' a gun at your face again, I will yank your teeth out one by one. Am I clear?"
"Right, I'd forgotten the newest trend is to go spend money to see the performances of people you hate."
"Being standoffish with me is one thing, but when she hurts our kids, I get mad."
"Reality continues to elude you, doesn't it?"
"God dammit, I'm starting to wish Wise shot you in the face."
"You very well could be [my daughter]. Who knows how many kids I really have?"
Ben—
"Well, you ain't German, though you sho' can drink like you is."
"Drunken wrestling always ends well for the skinny kid."
"What gives? You tryin' to move the car with your mind now?"
"You kiddin'? I'm a continual source of pride for you."
"Oh, god, you're gonna kill me in the middle of fuckin' nowhere..."
"Ain't this what broke us up in the first place? How the hell d'you keep managin' to rope me into things?
"I've been sober for about two minutes since that night in '42."
"'Course you're doin' the right thing. But keep in mind, I ain't gonna someday shuffle off this mortal coil without you right there to watch me do it."
"Alright, your highness, where do you keep your crown so I can polish it with what'll be left of my brains when we're finished up there?!"
"The love I have for you cannot be contained in this tiny room, so I'm choosing to expand and unfurl it elsewhere."
"You've been hiding your worry from me since we were kids. I'd barely recognize it on you."
"What? He's the only person on Earth you won't let get a glimpse of you without pants? That doesn't make any sense. He wants it more than anybody else."
"No, sir, you threw produce at my head. I am telling my mother."
"What is this, 'Ben Gets Nothing' Week?"
"I'm gonna break his ribs. I'm gonna snap a piano in two halves, take one of them, and hit him in the ribs."
#tag game#OC in Fifteen#profile: Reagan#profile: Ben#Partners#PI#PII#PIII#*keeping in mind all but a piddling bit isn't actually in novel form yet so I've drawn pretty exclusively from the Bitstrips versions#also I'd like it to be known that Reagan says number 6 to his own son LOL
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In December I got a job as a "park ambassador," which the description made sound like a desk job, an event coordinator, but actually turned out to be a manual laborer/groundskeeper. I got overwhelmed by the workload on my first day and quit the morning that would have been my second.
This month I got a job as a front desk clerk at a hotel. Those of you who follow me probably know that I had this exact job at a motel down in the Keys for years, so it was a lateral move, something familiar to fall back on, much easier than the suprise manual labor the park sprung on me. Well, turns out this place lied too because they're cross training me to be a housekeeper, which is ABSOLUTELY NOT worth my time and effort. That wasn't in the job description, and that was never brought up in the interview. Today was my first full shift, and it was horrendous from start to finish because there was simultaneously too much to do and not enough. What I mean is that every single task they gave me had ten or fifteen steps and substeps to follow in sequence, so even the simplest one was needlessly overcomplicated. There's a ton of shit to do, followed by long stretches of absolutely nothing. At my old job, my boss did not give one half of two shits what I did to fill the time; I could go on my phone or my laptop, I could read a book, I could draw, I could space out or take a nap, she didn't care as long as I immediately dropped what I was doing whenever the phone rang or a customer came to the door. No such luck here. I'm not allowed to read, I'm supposed to either sit there in silence or find something to do to look busy for the cameras. That's all it is, just pointless busywork. There are not 8 hours worth of tasks, but they expect you to do 8 hours worth of work!
Oh, and if the woman who's training me was really passive agressive all day about the fact that I asked her to go over the steps slowly so I could take notes and create a checklist. She made a really fucking annoying comment about how I'm the only trainee who has trouble retaining information, like I'm some drooling moron when it's literally my first day. She's younger than I am but she's already been married, had a kid, gotten a divorce, bought and sold two houses, and landed a career as a middle manager, so to her I'm lower than dirt, an abject failure, an example of how not to live your life. She made me feel about three feet tall, and the only thing that prevented me from calling it quits again was that I desperately need the money. This is the way it is: every day I'm scheduled is $100 dropped into my bank account. $15 per hour, 8 hour shifts, that's $120 per day before tax, something like $102 to $105 take home pay. I was hired to be part time, only two or tree days a week, but it pays weekly instead of biweekly so every Friday I'll get $200 or $300. This week they gave me a full 40 hours for training, so that's $500 if I can make it to the end of it without having another panic attack. If I imagine my boss handing me a $100 bill every day at clock out, I think I can get through this.
If they lied about the content of the job, I'm going to give it a solid 75% effort. I'm not gonna stress about meeting quotas or finding ways to look busy. I'm gonna keep using my checklists. I'm gonna keep them with me and go down them one item at a time in front of the customers because that's what I need to do, and if corporate doesn't like it they can fire me. This is just a job, not a career. I'm not an essential worker. I don't give a shit if a customer has a substandard experience. I don't give a shit if the elevator has scuff marks that need to be mopped. I don't care if someone leaves their laundry hamper next to the coin-op machines while they run. I am going to half-ass it all!
I have a disability and it has only gotten worse in the last five years. When I was in college I had good insurance and good medication, but now my plans have next to no coverage; the only meds I can afford are the msot common ones that doctors give away like candy. They don't work for me, but the good shit is too expensive, so i'm wallowing. I was barely able to function in the Keys, but I was driven by my goals of buying a car and moving out of my parents place; now that I've achieved both of those things, I have nothing to look forward too and have lost all motivation to even try. I am not alone, I know plenty of people who are in the exact same boat as me, but apparently none of them live within 500 miles. All my would-be peers up here are successful and functional. it comes easy to them. I'm the only one who seems to struggle. Surely I can't be the only one, but I never see anyone else like me in real life, only ever online. Are they just good at hiding it? Why can't I do that too?
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Revenge
Summary: Scared to end up alone you hang on to your marriage of 15 years to your cheating husband, continuing to play the perfect wife. But then you meet Dave York, your husbands boss, on one of his work events and things take a very surprising turn....
Pairing: Dave York x fem. Reader
Wordcount: 5.5k
Rating: E
Warnings: infidelity, angst, forced cucking (cheating husband has to watch his wife have sex with one Dave York), smut (unprotected sex, oral f receiving), Cum play, public fingering, use of the word whore, intense eye contact, flirting like woah
A/N: I worked on this for four weeks and I'm super proud of it. Please let me know what you think. Some people might recognise the scene at the bar from the movie Shame.
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You would be lying if you said you did not imagine yourself in this situation before.
Sitting with an attractive man at a bar, flirting. Maybe even something more…
Many lonely nights in the bed you should be sharing with your husband left your mind wandering to what life could be like if you had married a man who respected and loved you.
Though you were pretty sure Calvin did love you in the beginning, maybe he even loved you now. In his… own way. It just changed somewhere between moving into your first real home together and you getting a job that paid more than his.
You just weren’t enough to… satisfy all his physical needs anymore, hadn’t been for a long time. It was an open secret that he was cheating on you, you just weren’t brave enough to leave him, even though you could. You had the job, the friends, the money. You just… did not know how to be alone.
Which was a stupid thing to think because you spent the majority of your relationship being alone.
It came to a point where you weren’t even mad or hurt anymore, whenever you found stains of lipstick on his shirts that you for some reason still washed for him.
It was… easier living this lie than separating from the man you had been with for the last fifteen years. You loved the life you had built together. You just wished you weren’t so miserable and lonely living it alone.
You hadn’t slept with Calvin since you found out about the first time he cheated on you, which was almost eight years ago. He said he was sorry, begged for your forgiveness, which you granted him. But you told him that you wouldn’t sleep with him before he would prove that you could trust him to be honest and faithful with you. That, and a clean bill of health.
He never did.
You were more like roommates at this point. And even though you did not know the exact extent of his infidelity, you still played the perfect wife for him whenever he needed you to.
You looked away when he flirted with women much younger than you when you were out. Which wasn’t often. Only when there was something from work or something your friends had invited you both.
It was one of those work events he insisted you accompany him, leaving you sitting alone as soon as you entered the place at the bar.
You were about to call it a day when a man sat down next to you.
Calvin was off somewhere while you were sitting in a darker corner at the bar, enjoying your martini as he, his boss Dave York, introduced himself to you, inviting you for another drink
There was something in his eyes when you told him your name. A glint of interest when he learned that you were the wife of Calvin Miller.
You learned that Dave was recently divorced and had moved into an overpriced penthouse that felt too empty and sterile. His wife had fallen in love with another woman and because he did not want to stay in the way of her happiness, he had let her and his two daughters move all the way to Europe while he stayed back.
Dave York was… charming, hot and had something dangerous about him that made you only more interested in him. It was the first time in a long time that you felt like someone was really interested in you and what you had to say.
You saw Calvin across the room, talking to one of the serving girls who was blushing furiously as she looked at him while he tried to charm his way into her pants.
Sighing you closed your eyes, taking a sip from your drink, breathing in deeply, finding Dave looking at you.
“You know he’s fucking himself through the whole city right?” he asked.
You nodded.
“I know he’s cheating frequently, I just.. Chose to ignore how many women exactly he fucks as long as it doesn’t happen in our home.”
Dave sucked his bottom lip in, intrigued.
“You don’t mind?”
You shrugged.
“Part of me does. Sometimes I feel like a coward for not leaving him. I know I deserve more. I deserve someone who loves me and respects me. Who asks me how my day was, who notices when I got a new hair colour, who…. Fuck I just feel so lonely sometimes.”
“So why don’t you leave him?”
“Honestly?” you whispered, sucking your bottom lip in. Dave nodded, turning in his seat to lean a little closer towards you. You smelled his aftershave, allowing yourself to take a deep breath before you answered him.
“I don’t think I know how to live on my own, and staying where I am even if it sucks is… easier? We met in highschool, got married before we got out of college. I have spent my whole adult life with him. Fuck… I never even had sex with anyone other than him,” you chuckled humorlessly.
“Do you want to?” Dave asked and you looked up.
“Do I want what?”
“Have sex with someone else?”
His hand came to rest on your knee and you shivered, your eyes on his hand. His fingers were softly squeezing just above your knee. You felt each of his fingers on you, only separated by the thin material of the silk dress you were wearing. You looked up, your lips parting.
“Dave…”
“He doesn’t deserve you, you know? If I had you in my house, in my home, in my bed?” he leaned in closer, his lips brushing over your ear and your eyes slipped close. Unintentionally you parted your legs, your dress revealing a glimpse of your inner thigh and you shuddered as he took this as an invitation, his fingers slowly running up your inner thigh.
“I’d make sure your pussy is the only one I’m fucking. I might be an asshole, but I’m a loyal asshole,” his nose brushed over your neck as he seemed to inhale your scent, his fingers slipping deeper between your legs which seemed to part even wider for him with ease.
“Did he ever go down on you?” he hummed, his fingers brushing over the soaked fabric of your lace panties. You released a shuddering breath, closing your eyes.
“I bet he hasn’t treated this pussy properly. I’d make sure you’d soak my face every single day when I had you in my bed, my kitchen counter, my desk…” his fingers hooked into your panties, pulling them to the side.
“Look at me,” he whispered and while your eyes opened he slowly pushed two of his fingers inside of you. A part of you knew that you were in a public space, yet looking into Dave’s dark eyes made you feel like you were the only two people on the planet.
He slowly moved his fingers, your body screaming in pleasure from the way his fingers seemed to know just how to touch you, while you tried to keep a straight face as he kept looking at you with dark eyes.
“I like to slip my tongue deep inside of you,” he hummed and you couldn’t help but gasp as his fingers pulled out of your pussy, a smirk playing at the corner of his lips. You looked down at his fingers, your eyes following them as he brought them up to his lips. You could see them glistening with your juices, while he brought them up to his mouth sucking them clean.
“Just when you’re about to cum, licking you clean before I finally give you my big cock,” he tilted his head to the side, looking at you as he licked his lips with a filthy smirk.
You jumped in your seat when an arm sneaked around your middle from behind, your eyes leaving Dave’s to find Calvin standing next to you, glaring at you before he looked at Dave.
“I see you met my wife, Dave,” he said.
“I did and It’s Mr. York to you, Miller,” Dave said bored, picking up his drink to take a sip, keeping his eyes on you.
You were still flushed, your brain trying to get back to speed.
“How come you are here with your wife and not in the bathroom getting your dick sucked by one of the college waitresses, Miller?” Dave asked.
“Don’t know what you’re talking about, Dave,” Calvin said, letting go of you to grab your drink, chugging it down himself. Dave looked amused at you and then at him, his face hardening.
“Come on, we’re all friends here, don’t lie in front of your wife,” he said. You risked a glance at Calvin who looked at his boss with his lips parted in shock.
Dave looked at you then, a silent challenge in his eyes.
“I love my wife,” Calvin said and you snorted. His head snapped to look at you.
“You sure have a funny way of showing it,” you rolled your eyes and Dave laughed.
“Tell you what, why don’t you go back to whatever cunt you were after and I keep your wife company,” Dave said.
“With all due respect, Dave…” Calvin began to talk but Dave shot him a dark look.
“Call me Dave one more time and see what happens, Mister Miller,” he threatened and you felt Calvin stiffen beside you. Interesting.
He took a deep breath before he looked at you.
“I was gonna head home,” Calvin said, looking at you with a question in his eyes. You turned your head to look at Dave. You didn’t want to leave. And you knew Calvin only lied about going home because he either didn’t find someone else to fuck or… because he had a weird spurge of jealousy now that someone was giving you attention and felt like he had a claim on you. Which a silly part of your brain made you feel powerful.
“I’m sure Dave can give me a ride later?” you asked, with an eyebrow raised. Dave chuckled, one of his hands coming back to rest on your knee.
“Of course I can, Sweetheart.”
When Dave drove you home a couple hours later, Calvin wasn’t home. Not that you were surprised.
Dave and you had spent the whole evening talking. And flirting. Call it needy and years of neglect, but fuck you wanted him.
You invited Dave in for a drink and he followed you into your home.
Sitting beside him in your living room you sighed.
“I feel so… Fuck I don’t know. Weak? Silly? Worthless? Like a fucking victim, even though I have everything I need to just…. Live my own life and don’t let him humiliate me like that.”
Dave sighed.
“Ending a marriage is not easy. Feelings aren’t something you can’t just turn off. You’re not worthless. You are… fucking perfect,” Dave said and you turned your head to look at him.
“I want him to feel how humiliated he makes me feel,” you said.
“What are you thinking?”
You sucked your bottom lip in, blaming the idea forming in your head on your slightly tipsy brain.
“Are you free on friday?” you asked, a plan forming in your mind. He narrowed his eyes.
“I can be.”
You nodded, sucking your bottom lip in. You took both of your glasses, setting them down on the coffee table. Dave watched your every move as you got up, coming to stand between his legs.
You didn’t know if it was the drinks you had or the way Dave York had given you his whole attention for the last hours, but you just wanted to feel something. Or someone.
“It’s our anniversary,” you said quietly as you slowly settled down into Dave’s lap, straddling him. His hands came to rest on your upper thighs immediately, his hands pushing the skirt of your dress up, as your hands rested on his shoulders. You closed your eyes, your skin heating under his intense gaze.
“I haven’t been fucked in eight years,” you whispered, moaning when you felt Dave’s hands wander over your body, squeezing your ass, pulling you closer towards him. You gasped as your clit rubbed just right over his growing bulge.
“And… And I think I want you to fuck me while he has to watch,” unintentionally you began to move your hips against him. He smirked.
“Eight years?” he asked and you nodded. He hummed.
“Can I touch you?”
“Please,” you whispered and he suddenly pulled at the belt of your wrap dress, the fabric falling open.
“Fuck me,” he uttered under his breath, the green lace lingerie you were wearing driving him wild. One of his hands came back to squeeze your ass, while his other hand palmed one of your breasts.
“Can you cum like that? Just with your needy little clit rubbing against me?” he asked and you moaned, your head nodding.
“Then make yourself cum,” he said, before he leaned in and sucked on your nipple through your bra.
“Fuck,” you cried out, rubbing yourself against him.
“That’s it, you want me to fuck you in front of your cheating husband? Then cum for me,” he snarled, slapping your ass.
“I’m gonna… Fuck I’m gonna cum,” you whimpered, throwing your head back as your orgasm rolled through your body, making you shake against Dave. He helped you ride it out before you felt his hand in your neck as he pulled you towards him, crashing his lips against yours in a deep kiss.
“When should I be here on friday?“ He asked and you smiled.
Like every year, Calvin invited you for dinner for your anniversary in your favourite restaurant.
Or more like, in the restaurant he thought was your favourite restaurant.
He had given you the silent treatment since you decided to spend the evening with Dave instead of him, and you weren’t complaining.
Something had changed since that night. You changed.
He bought you a gift (a new vacuum cleaner, my god were you lucky), kissed you on the cheek and then ordered your dinner for you as soon as you sat down in the restaurant.
You were quiet all evening, letting him vent about work and about how lucky he was to have you as his wife, smiling like the obedient little wife you were for him.
Whenever he got up for a smoke, or to the bathroom or to order new drinks from the blonde bartender you reached for your phone, texting with Dave.
It had been six days since you met him and the lust you were feeling for him was almost overwhelming. Maybe it had to do with you being sexually frustrated, but the way he talked to you made you want to be his good girl, eager to please him however you wanted to.
He was very attentive, sending you gifts every single day while Calvin was in the office. You were working from home, surprised when Monday rolled around and a bouquet of red roses were delivered around lunch time.
The next day it was a bracelet.
The day after that lingerie.
Part of you was overwhelmed with the attention you were receiving, while another part just wanted to let you enjoy it.
You were rational, you knew whatever would happen with Dave York would not have a future. He wanted to fuck you, and you wanted to be fucked. Badly.
And who were you to argue about your husbands boss being the one to fuck you brains out as a little… revenge?
You rolled your eyes as you saw the waitress slip Calvin his number after he went to pay.
You had an AirBNB booked and most of your clothes and stuff already moved there yesterday. Earlier today you met with an divorce attorney.
This was happening.
You would be leaving him. Tonight.
After he watched you being fucked by his boss.
The only concern you had about the plan you set in motion was how you would make Calvin stay. But Dave had only told you that he’d make sure he would, not telling you how exactly he would achieve it. But you trusted him anyway.
You had done a lot of thinking this last week. Maybe you had just needed someone to confide in, to tell you that you were worth more than being just a silly little wife.
Healing from these last years would take a while, but you were ready to take your life back.
Starting today.
You had told Dave that you would leave the backdoor unlocked, so you weren’t surprised when you found him sitting in the armchair next to your bed in the bedroom when you made your way upstairs after coming back home.
Calvin was downstairs, picking a bottle of wine most likely in the hopes to get you drunk so he could try to get into your pants later.
He tried this every year, some weird sense of martial duty coming over him. Not that he ever succeeded.
And you had to give it to him, at least he did not spend your wedding anniversary fucking another pussy.
“Hey,” Dave hummed, getting up as he walked over to you.
“Hey,” you smiled, nerves kicking in as your head tilted down, watching your feet nervously.
“You look beautiful,” he said and you couldn’t help but sigh. You had decided on a new dress, black, with a zipper in the front that ran down the whole length. You wanted do look pretty.
For Dave.
You felt his fingers tilt your chin up, his eyes finding yours.
“Are you still sure about this?” he asked. You took a deep breath before you nodded slowly.
“Just… Just nervous. It’s been a while…. And…. I don’t know about him… here”
“We can get out of here. Just say the word and I’ll leave.”
“I don’t want you to leave,” you brought a hand up, resting it on his chest. He covered your hand with his.
“I want you to….” you pursed your lips, unable to say those words.
“You want me to fuck you?” he whispered with a small grin. You nodded.
“I want to fuck you too. Been thinking about your pussy since last week. Tasted so fucking good. You just need to decide if you want me to fuck you here, with your soon to be ex husband watching, or if I should take you to my place and make this pussy, my pussy, weep for me,” you felt his breath on your face as he whispered those words, your knees getting weak.
“How… How about… both?” you finally asked with a shy little smile.
He kissed you then, his lips pressing against yours for a quick but powerful moment. You whimpered.
“Greedy,” he hummed with a smirk.
“Where is he?” Dave asked as he slowly led you to your bed.
“Getting wine to make me drunk enough to fuck him,” you snorted and Dave rolled his eyes.
You yelped when he pushed you against the mattress, hovering over you immediately, his eyes darkening. You parted your legs and he settled between them. Your eyes fluttering shut as you felt his weight on top of you.
“Pathetic little fucker,” Dave hissed before he kissed you again.
You melted against him.
His tongue invaded your mouth, playing with yours, one of his hands running up your thigh.
“Dave,” you gasped, clutching the sheets as he kissed down your jaw.
“You smell so fucking good,” he hummed, softly sucking on your neck. his fingers playing with the front zipper of your dress, pulling it slowly until the pink lace he had gifted to you was revealed beneath.
“What the fuck is going on in here?” you heard a yell, following from a bottle shattering on the floor. Dave did not stop pulling at the zipper, his eyes on yours, until your bra was fully visible, the delicate lace hiding next to nothing.
“I’m about to eat your wife’s pussy,” Dave said and you could not help but moan as he lowered his head, his lips kissing the soft skin above your tits.
“You can’t… What the fuck…” Calvin cursed and you caught his eyes when he rounded the bed, now standing so he could look at you.
“Sucks to be on the other side, huh?” you asked him, hearing Dave chuckle, before he pulled at the lace, his lips closing around your left nipple, making you arch your back against his chest.
“You’re… you’re my wife,” Calvin argued and you moaned as Dave sucked.
“Happy fucking anniversary,” you moaned, your hands unclenching from the sheets to bring them into Dave’s hair, pushing him against your tits.
“I’m… I’m not gonna watch this,” Calvin said in disbelief, intending to turn around and leave.
“You sit right there on that chair and watch me fuck your wife, Miller,” Dave hissed, voice dangerously low, turning his head to look at Calvin who stopped in his tracks.
You pussy clenched at his tone.
“Or what?” Calvin asked, not looking back. Dave found your eyes, kissing you quickly before he got up from the bed, walking over to Calvin.
He leaned into him, whispering something against his ear. You saw Calvin clench his fists as he took a deep breath before he slowly turned around and walked over to the chair Dave had apparently put there just for him.
Calvin’s eyes found yours and he clenched his jaw as he sat down.
“Now, where were we?” Dave asked and you turned your head to look at him. Slowly he unbuttoned his dress shirt, pushing it off his shoulder, revealing his broad chest. Your eyes lingered all over his body, the prominent outline of his cock confided in his pants making your mouth water.
Funny that just a week ago you had not missed sex at all, when now you could not wait for the man in front of you to ruin you.
You sucked your bottom lip in as you looked up at him.
“Calvin, what was I about to do before you interrupted us?” he asked, his eyes not leaving your body.
There was no answer, until a dark look came over Dave’s face, breaking eye contact to you only briefly to look at you husband.
“You wanted to… eat my wife’s pussy,” he said quietly and Dave’s eyes lit up as he looked at you.
“That’s right,” he said, before his hands wrapped around your ankles, pulling you down towards the end of bed. He leaned down, his hand pulling at the front zipper of your dress, parting the fabric. His lips following the zipper with every inch of your skin it revealed to him.
“Like unwrapping a gift,” he said, kissing your stomach. He helped you get out of the dress, throwing it aside, before he got down on his knees, pulling each of your legs over his shoulders.
Dark eyes found yours as he leaned closer towards your pussy, taking a deep breath.
“When was the last time someone ate this pussy?” he asked, his fingertips coming to gently trace the pattern of the by now see through lace hiding your cunt from him. You were obscenely wet for the man kneeling between your legs.
“Years,” you sighed.
“Shame,” Dave tsked, kissing your inner thigh. You closed your eyes as his lips wandered up your thigh, almost to where you wanted him most when he kissed back down, starting the same pattern on your other thigh.
“Dave,” you moaned.
“Yes, sweetheart?” he asked, raising his eyebrow in a silent challenge as he looked up at you.
“Make me cum,” you said and he grinned.
“With pleasure.”
The moment Dave’s tongue slipped through your folds felt like the world shifted. He did not tease you, his tongue dipping inside of you while his nose moved over your clit had you moaning out wantonly. You fought the urge to throw your head back and close your eyes, keeping your eyes trained on the man who had you on the edge of an orgasm without even really having started.
The moan coming from his mouth as he tasted you for the first time was downright pornographic and a memory you’d replay often in the future.
He moved his tongue between your folds before he went higher, his tongue flicking over your throbbing clit.
“Fuck,” you moaned out, your hands hesitantly reaching for him, one of his hands grabbing your wrists, pulling them closer towards him, your fingers disappearing in his soft hair. You scratched your fingernails over his scalp and he sucked your clit between his lips with a groan.
You were sure you were dripping on the sheets, your legs crossed behind his shoulders as you moved your hips against his mouth.
“I’m close….” you whimpered, your lips parted as you panted for air, your eyes closing for a moment before they snapped open when Dave slapped your thigh.
“Look at me when I make you cum,” he grunted.
With your eyes trained on him, your hand in his hair and his mouth on you it wasn’t long before he made you cum, your thighs shaking around his head as he continued to lick you up, giving you by far the best orgasm of your life while you moaned out his name.
He gave your pussy one last kiss, before he got to his feet.
“Ready for my cock?” he asked.
Slowly you sat yourself up, getting on your knees on the bed in front of him, pulling him down towards you, so you could kiss him. Your hands found his belt, unbuckling it.
“How do you want me?” you mumbled against his lips, eager to have him inside of you. You felt his lips twitch into a smile against yours, his hands unclasping your bra behind you, pulling it off your shoulders.
One of your hands finally slipped into his pants, pulling his cock out.
You tried to play off your surprise, but Dave saw your eyes widening. He pecked your lips.
“Don’t worry sweetheart, we gonna make it fit,” he winked.
You risked a glance down to his hard cock. He was not much bigger than your husbands, but much thicker. Precum pooled on the angry red tip, and you bent down before you could stop yourself, your tongue licking it off, moaning as you tasted him.
“Fuck,” Dave moaned and you looked up at him, seeing his eyes fixed on you.
You had his whole attention and you were loving it.
“Some other time sweetheart,” he said warmly, one of his hands cupping your cheek.
“Now I want you on your back so I can watch those perfect tits shake when I fuck my pussy,” he said. You shivered before you slipped back towards the center of the bed. Dave took his pants, boxers and socks off before he joined you on the bed. You parted your legs for him as he came to kneel between them, his hand lazily pumping his cock.
You had discussed protection in the week leading up to today, coming to know that Dave had a vasectomy years ago. With him getting tested regularly and you not having had sex with anyone in a long time you had given him the freedom to decide if he wanted to use condoms or not.
A big part of you was happy he didn’t because you wanted to feel him. All of him.
He nudged his tip against your folds, moving it over your clit repeatedly. He reached for a pillow, your husband's pillow, propping it under your hips.
“You’re dripping for me sweetheart,” he grinned. You sighed, your hands coming to play with your nipples.
Slowly his tip slipped inside of you and you stopped breathing for a second, enjoying the delicious stretch of his length parting your folds.
“Shit Baby…” you moaned, sucking your bottom lip in.
Ever so slowly, giving you time to adjust his cock filled you.
“You’re so fucking wet. Perfect just… fuck just perfect,” he praised you, groaning when his hips met yours, his cock completely inside of you.
You felt so fucking full.
“Move,” you whined.
“You’re such a whore,” you heard another voice, your eyes blinking as you registered your husband's voice, having completely forgotten about him.
You found Dave’s eyes on you before you turned your head to find Calvin obediently sitting in the chair Dave had pulled for him.
You took a deep breath before you turned your head to look at Dave again.
“At least I’m your whore then,” you said to Dave and he grinned before he bottomed out and thrusted back into you. You cried out.
He snapped his hips against yours, his hands grabbing your hips as he pumped into you. You threw your arms back, grabbing the headboard.
Sex had never felt like this. Yes, you did not have much to compare it to, but fuck that was what you missed? He ruined you, slowly, with every thrust inside of you, with every brush of his fingers on your body. He watched mesmerized as your tits shook with every thrust, before his arms pulled you up against him, into his lap, your chest against his. You crossed your arms behind him, your hands on his neck as he fucked up into you. His hands helping you move on top of him.
“Whose pussy is this from now on?” he asked, his voice dark.
“Yours Dave, fucking yours,” you moaned.
“Fuck yes,” he grunted, slapping your ass. Your pussy clenched around him and you watched him cock his eyebrow.
“You like that huh?” he smirked, doing it again and you moaned.
“Maybe you are my little whore after all,” he hummed against your ear, thrusting into you. He continued to slap your ass until you exploded around him, crying out as he fucked your through your orgasm.
It wasn’t long before he twitched inside of you, warmth filling you as he moaned against your lips.
Both panting against each other's lips you smiled, letting your hand fall against his, before he leaned down, sucking one of your nipples into his mouth, making you clench around his cock.
“That… That never happened before…” you said and he frowned, looking up at you.
“I never came when he fucked me,” you clarified and Dave’s jaw twitched before he kissed your lips.
“I should kill that fucker for how he treated you,” he mumbled against your lips and for reasons you had to unpack at another time, the thought made you clench around him.
“Interesting,” he mumbled, giving you a wink.
“You came inside of her? What the fuck?” you rolled your eyes back as you heard Calvin exclaim.
“And he made me cum. Twice. Guess it was not my fault you couldn’t after all,” you said without looking at him.
Dave chuckled, before he helped you off, his cum dripping into the sheets. He slipped his fingers between your legs, pushing his cum back into you, before he brought his fingers up, holding them out for you. You sucked them clean for him, moaning at your combined taste.
But as much as you wanted just to lay back and enjoy the afterglow, you did not want to spend any more time than necessary in this house.
Dave helped you out of bed, helping you into your dress before he got back into his clothes, pocketing your ruined panties and bra.
He gave you a small smile, taking your hand.
You walked towards the bedroom door when you stopped and turned around.
“Where do you think you’re going?” Calvin screamed behind you and Dave turned around faster than you could notice, his hand stopping Calvin’s wrist before he could reach you. He yelped in pain and Dave let go, stepping between you and your soon to be ex husband.
You took a deep breath, putting a hand on Dave’s shoulder who looked at you over his shoulder. You gave him a small nod, before you stepped to the side, still close enough, so he could intervene. Calvin was still looking at Dave with what you think was terror in his eyes.
“Did you think I would stay by your side while you fucked your way through the country forever? Humiliate me like that? I loved you. I wanted to spend my life with you, but you threw that away. And he helped me to see that. It’s embarrassing how long it took me. So we’re getting divorced, Calvin. You can keep the house and I keep my dignity. And my money,” you said.
Calvin looked at you now, his eyes filling with tears.
“Don’t you love me?” he asked, his voice small.
You took a deep breath, looking at the man you once loved so much. Feeling nothing.
“Not anymore,” you said, giving him a small sad smile before you took Dave’s hand.
Dave gave Calvin one last look before he grabbed your purse and led you out of the house.
#my fic#Dave york#dave york x female reader#Pedro pascal#fanficion#fanfic#fan fiction#dave york fanfiction#Dave york x fem. reader
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Mixed Drinks and Smoke Rings 15: You Got A Friend In Me.
Chapter Fifteen: You Got A Friend In Me
We are the reckless,
We are the wild youth,
Chasing visions of our futures,
One day, we’ll reveal the truth,
That one will die before he gets there.
Summary: New to town, you didn’t need a friend, you needed a dealer. Thankfully, a girl from your Narcotics Anonymous meetings knew just the guy.
Characters: Fezco (euphoria) x Non-descriptive Reader
Words: 4,017
Chapter Warnings: Drug use, abusive relationships, mentions of attempted suicide, mentions of mental illness, crude terms in regards to mental illness, gross exes, jealous bitches, no appearance from fez in this but our man is back soon, majority of this is unedited so i apologize for any errors
Series Warnings: Addiction, sexual themes, cursing, abuse (various), smut, drug use, teenagers being fucking idiots. 18+ only, minors DNI
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taglist: @iamasimpingh0e @chelseagirl77 @zeida @thepawn1999 @alanis-altair @purplebtsmagic
The days that followed Mouse's death all blurred together, and you felt as if you had lost any concept of time.
Being on winter break didn't help, and you found yourself awake all night, partying with Rue, and getting high, before passing out and waking up the next afternoon, only to start the cycle again.
Fez hadn't tried to call you, but he had sent a single text. A simple 'I'm sorry' that you didn't think merited a response. He was sorry? Well, good. That night was a hard one, causing you to trip badly, and Rue spent the night holding you until you eventually cried yourself to sleep.
Rue's emergency stash dwindled quickly, and you'd promised her that you'd buy a few extra pills at Devon's to pay her back. You still had a little money stored away that some relatives had sent on your last birthday, and what better to put it towards, if not a great night out with a friend.
You were led on Rue's bed, ignoring the sheer audacity that you had, doing drugs and staying at the house of a woman who had previously questioned whether your friendship was good for her daughter.
Unable to hold it in, you released a giggle, turning until you were upside down on her bed, head grazing the floor as you watched her slowly dance around the room.
A knock came from Rue's door, leaving her to quickly dart toward her bed, jumping on it and nearly sending you off, both of you giggling again.
"Come in!" Rue managed to get out, opening a book in front of her.
Leslie stood in the doorway, observing the situation. She wasn't sure what had got into Rue as of late, but she at least seemed happier. She couldn't remember the last time she'd heard her daughter actually giggle.
"Everything good in here, girls?"
You lifted your head, accepting Rue's helping hand to pull you up the rest of the way, "Yeah... Yeah. Sorry if we're being too loud, Ms. Bennett."
Leslie pressed her lips together, watching as her daughter skimmed through a book before placing her face into it, "Why are we even doing the reading? It's so boring..."
"Because we have a pop quiz the first week we're back, and Mr Richards is an asshole." You told her simply, turning the page of your book.
Leslie couldn't help but smile, watching as her daughter sighed, but pulled her head up, continuing to read, "You staying tonight?"
Part of you felt bad, wondering if you were putting them out. But Leslie never seemed to worry, in fact, she had offered a few times. You wondered if maybe Rue had mentioned your father to her, but the thought quickly slipped your mind,
"If that's alright with you?"
Sending you a smile, Leslie nodded, "Sure thing. Dinner will be ready in about half hour."
Before she could close the door properly, she stuck her head back in, calling your name, "You can call me Leslie."
You grinned, even after she closed the door.
"You can call me Leslie," Rue mimicked, prolonging her mother's name and making kissing noises at you.
Giving her a shove, you scrunched your nose, "Don't be gross, Rue. That's your Mom."
"Oh, I know that. I just wanted to make sure you did, too."
Giving her another shove, you had to quickly catch her before she fell onto the floor, causing you both to giggle again.
After dinner, you sat watching a film with both Gia and Leslie, curled under a blanket with Rue. Your brain was barely able to keep up with the plot line, feeling yourself coming down. Rue had passed out not even twenty minutes into the film, snoring every now and then as she rested on your shoulder.
You pulled out your phone, ignoring the fact that you hadn't heard anything from your father -- or Fez -- despite not being home for several days, and you'd found yourself living out of Rue's wardrobe.
"I hope you don't mind, but I was grabbing Rue's washing this morning, and I found a white dress that I can only assume is yours. It had a red stain down the front, but I wasn't sure if you wanted it washed. Kinda looked expensive..."
You turned to face Leslie, eyebrows high as you took in her words. The last time someone had done your washing was before your mother left, and for some silly reason, the sentiment had you choked up.
"Oh, I uh... I spilled ketchup down myself after the formal. Burgers and white dresses really don't go hand-in-hand. But uh, no that's fine. I'll be heading home tomorrow anyway, so I'll just chuck it in with everything else."
Leslie nodded before placing a soft kiss to Gia's head and returning her gaze to the TV.
Trying your best to inconspicuously look around the room at each Bennett woman, your heart felt bruised. Although you knew Rue's family wasn't perfect, and a member was missing, you still felt your heart tug for something you missed, something you longed for.
You were certain if you just followed the path that your yearning heart tried to pull you down, eventually it would lead you to wherever your mother was. So you could lay in her arms as she pressed a soft kiss to your forehead as a film played on in the background.
But your mother never really was a very affectionate person. Even when she was there, she wasn't really there.
Turning your attention back to the TV, you tried to blink away the tears that were fighting their way out.
The music was thumping so loudly that the floors were shaking a little. You had absolutely no idea whose party this was, just that Devon had text you the address telling you he could find you there.
So, you and Rue hopped on the train making your way back to your old hometown.
"We'll never find him, this place is fucking huge," Rue's eyes were round as she glanced around the ridiculous-sized kitchen. You knew by the time she'd see the pool, you'd be propping her chin back up so she didn't catch flies.
Houses in this gated neighborhood were basically mini-mansions. You should know, after all you’d spent enough time at Liam's house. Big houses filled with lots of expensive furniture that they hoped would fill the void in their sad, lonely lives. Your parents did the exact same thing.
Except now, your father tried to fill that void with alcohol.
Ignoring the slew of wide-eyed glances thrown your way, you pulled Rue through the throng of people that were loitering around, chatting as they poured themselves a drink from whoever’s parent's very expensive whiskey collection.
"Why do people keep staring at you?" Rue asked obliviously.
Rolling your eyes before sending a sharp glare at a group of teens -- all quickly turning their backs, pretending they hadn't been gossiping about you -- you huffed out a sigh before grabbing two cups and filling them with whatever you could find.
Rue gracefully accepted the drink, but wrinkled her nose when the taste hit her tongue, "Shit, rich people really got no taste."
"It's for display, mainly. They sit swinging their dicks around over who has the oldest bottles."
"That's... Fucking weird, actually."
You shrugged, taking your own sip before resuming your search for your old dealer.
"If this was Fez, we'd just have to find a couch." Rue mumbled, losing both her patience, and any tact that she had.
You grimaced at his name before taking a deep breath, "Maybe he's outside."
After managing to find him, surrounded by a group of girls as he always was, you practically ran to him, the thrill of knowing you were about to get your next high forcing you forward.
"Well shit, didn't think I'd be seeing you again so soon."
His deep voice caused a smile to crawl onto your face as he shooed away the girls that surrounded him, all except the girl who was sat on his lap.
"Who's that?" His dark eyes were set on Rue, watching carefully as she looked anywhere but him, arms rubbing her arms.
"Oh, uh. This is Rue, a friend from school."
"You lookin' a little nervous, baby."
Rue's head snapped up at the nickname, eyes boring into the side of your face, but you barely paid attention, "She's fine, Devon. We just wanna get what we came here for, and go."
"How you doin' tonight, Rue?"
Shrugging her shoulders, Rue continued to look around the garden, "I'm fine."
"Devon, c'mon. Don't be a dick."
His attention snapped back to you as you crossed your arms, pushing your breasts together. Men could be very, very simple and -- lucky for you -- easily distracted.
"Fine. What can I interest you in tonight, ladies?"
With the drugs in your pocket, you were rushing toward the door when a shrill voice from the crowd stopped you in your tracks,
"Oh my god, is that really you?"
Rue almost ran into the back of you, her face screwing up in confusion. Before she could ask why you'd stopped, a girl pushed her way in between you, pulling you into an uncomfortable hug.
"I can't believe it. You know, we thought you'd like, died or something. Liam should-"
"Jen, hi. We were uh, we were just heading out. Bit of a rush, sorry."
You tried to pull Rue to your side, but Jen stepped in front of you before you could step forward.
"Oh, c'mon! We haven't seen you in forever. It'd be good to catch up. We all really missed you."
Lying bitch, you thought silently, trying not to allow the memories of her sneaking off with your ex-boyfriend to infiltrate your mind.
"I'd love to, but really, we need to catch our train..." Rue was beginning to get antsy, and you felt like the drugs were burning a hole in your pocket. At this rate, you'd both be sniffing off the sidewalk.
"We got some pills earlier, you should totally stay and hang out for a bit!"
A single brow raised as you turned toward Rue, her eyes darting to yours as a devilish smile broke out across her face.
If there was one thing better than drugs, it was free drugs.
Jen let out a squeal once you'd agreed, pulling you into another hug before she ushered you both along towards where your old friends sat.
After a chorus of 'Oh shit's and 'I can't believe it's you's, you finally sat down, Rue remaining close to you like a shadow, and you could only be grateful.
"So, where have you been? We haven't seen you since... Well, you know."
"Oh my God, Jake, shut up. I'm sure she doesn't want to relive that.”
You swallowed thickly, feeling Rue's knee knock yours as she insistently bounced her leg. You had honestly never been so thankful that Jen couldn't go more than 30 seconds without making the conversation about herself than when she changed the subject, talking about her Christmas plans to fly out to Colorado to ski with her family.
Gnawing your bottom lip, you wondered if Ash's invitation still stood now that you and Fez weren't exactly on speaking terms. Could you even sit across him at the table in his own house after the things he said to you? Did you even want to anymore?
You attention turned toward a guy you'd never seen before as he opened up a small baggy and began to crush up the pills, ignoring Jen's drivle of why she prefers Aspen to Vail -- apparently the instructors were hotter there -- and separated the first line, looking toward you as he gestured for you to take it.
Certain that Rue's leg was going to eventually break off from her body and run on it's own, you nudged her, allowing her to take the first hit. It wasn't long before almost everyone had snorted a line and your body finally started to relax.
Rue had pushed herself back on the couch, lazily bobbing her head to the music as the group tried updated you on the town's gossip, but Jen barely took a breath between sentences, and you were too high to keep up.
"Getting the party started without me? Man, I'm crushed. Heartbroken, really."
Your body froze, a breath stuck in your lung as you willed this to be some fucked up, bad trip, but the greetings from the group forced you to face the hard fact that this was really happening. This was your reality. If only you'd left earlier, if only Jen hadn't found you when she did. If only...
"Holy shit, Liam, look who finally came back. It's like nothing changed." Jen laughed, standing up to pull the boy into a tight embrace.
His brows pulled together as he looked around the group, all color draining from his face as your eyes met.
Jen pushed him toward a chair, and he collapsed down in it without much of a fight before she climbed onto his lap, placing a kiss on his slightly ajar mouth.
Turning to you, she released a high-pitched giggle, "Well, not nothing I guess."
Smiling triumphantly, she returned her attention to Liam and turned his face when she realized his eyes were still on yours, "Baby, c'mon, we saved you a line."
Rue's eyes darted between you and Liam, and if she were more sober, she'd of had the sense to get you out of there. Hell, if you were more sober, you'd of dragged your damn self out of there.
But neither of you were, so you remained sitting as you forced your lungs to work as they'd seemingly lost all autonomy.
"I hope this isn't awkward for you." Jen's eyebrows pinched together, but her tone was nothing less than patronizing.
If you weren't in shock, you would've backhanded her into next week. Instead, you quickly shook your head and peeled your eyes away from the boy who had colossally fucked up your life.
At least, partially.
"It's been a couple of months now, but we're still in the honeymoon phase, right baby?"
Liam grunted, using the excuse of snorting his line to slide her off his lap before finally addressing you,
"You look good."
Jen's smile faltered for a moment, before becoming much more malicious. Turning her attention to Rue, she cleared her throat in an attempt to garner her attention, "So, Rue. How long have you two known each other?"
As usual, Rue shrugged, waving a hand around in the air aimlessly, "I dunno, couple of months."
"So I guess she told you why she left our old school, right?"
"Jen, can you go get me another drink."
Liam handed her his empty cup, and you almost cracked a smile when her lips pressed into a thin line, cheeks tight as she forced a smile in his direction, "Oh. Of course."
Knowing he didn't have much time before the girl returned, Liam's eyes bore into your, "How have you been?"
You wanted to roll your eyes, throw your drink at him, even ignoring him would've been better than the weak 'Fine, thanks' that escaped you.
Nodding, he took the card from his friend, cutting another line as he continued, "How have things been with... You know. Everything."
The last time you'd seen him look this vulnerable was when you were first dating, and he seemed almost scared that he'd harm a single hair on your head. It no longer made your heart skip a beat, instead, you felt it sink into your gut.
Rue turned her attention to you when you didn't reply, "Everything alright?"
"We got what we need... I think we should go."
Rue wanted to argue, but one look at your bouncing leg changed her mind. Nodding, she pushed herself up off the chair, holding your hand to help you up.
"Hey, c'mon, you haven't got to leave-"
"Yeah, we haven't even caught up yet." Jen smirked, returning with Liam's drink, glaring when he ignored her attempt of handing it to him.
Standing up, Liam followed you a few steps before placing his arm on your elbow, trying to stop you. Spinning around on the spot, you yanked your arm from his grip, sending him a disgusted look, "Don't you dare touch me."
Jealously coursed through Jen's veins as she pushed herself between you both, any slither of friendliness gone, "Don't you dare talk to him like that. Who the fuck do you think you are?"
She pushed you back a little, shoving you into Rue, who had no idea what was going on, "Who the fuck are you, bitch."
Making her way around you, Rue pressed herself against Jen using her height to her advantage. Rue might not be much of a fighter, but she was definitely protective.
Grabbing her arm, you pulled her back, "C'mon, Rue. This isn't worth it. Let's just leave, please."
"What a good idea. Let the trash take itself out."
"Jen, for fuck sake, stop." Liam pushed the girl away from him, causing her to send him a dirty look.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot that crazy bitch was a kink of yours. Maybe she'll let you join her junkie friend and her next time-"
Your blood was boiling, and all you could hear after the sound of your palm hitting Jen's cheek was the blood rushing around your head. Everyone remained silent for a moment, unsure of what to do.
With her hand pressed to her face, Jen's lip wobbled slightly as she turned her head back to you, "You think a psych ward was bad? You'll go to prison for this, bitch."
Your chest heaved as she walked away. Sure, Jen's family had money, but her threat didn't worry you in the slightest. Her words, however, made you begin to hyperventilate. Turning on your heel, you marched through the party, only stopping once you felt the cold night air hit your skin.
"Glad to see your taste in friends has improved."
Rue linked her arm through yours, gently tugging you along to make your way back to the station, hoping to catch the next train home.
The Bennett household was silent by the time you'd crawled into Rue's bed. You should've probably felt bad about spending so much time here, but after tonight you didn't want to be alone. As if she could read your mind, Rue didn't even bring it up as she led you toward her house.
"I have a question," She said into the darkness, not wanting to push you, but curiosity always led her astray, "What did that girl mean? You were in a hospital? Did you overdose?"
Biting at your bottom lip for a moment, you wondered if you could successfully convince her you were already asleep. But it didn't really feel fair. She'd been open enough with you, and over the past few weeks, you'd become a lot closer than you thought possible, bonding over more than just your addictions.
Taking a deep breath, you felt her wrap an arm around your waist as she rested her forehead against you, gently reassuring you, "No, not an overdose."
"Did it have something to do with why you came to town?"
You swallowed the lump in your throat, trying to keep your tears at bay. You hadn't spoken a word to anyone about the time between your schools and what led to your move to East Highland. And now you didn't have Fez to share that with, maybe Rue was the next best person.
"Liam, c'mon. This is fucking stupid, just admit it!"
Following him up the stairwell, you didn't want to confess that you were scared to lose him, but you couldn't carry on pretending that you didn't see him sneaking off at parties with other girls.
Pushing the heavy door open, he stalked onto the roof, pacing around, "You're fucking crazy, you know that?"
"I've seen you, Liam. Everyone has seen you. It's fucking embarrassing, all of our friends know-"
"What's fucking embarrassing, is having this conversation with you. What I do, is my fuckin' business and you have no fuckin' right to scream at me and accuse me of-"
"You aren't exactly hiding it! Fucking Hell, I'm sure if she thought she could get me out of the way, Jen would tell me herself what was happening."
Grabbing your face in his hand, Liam leaned in close, "Jen is a fucking slut, alright? She'd do anything, with anyone, for a bit of attention. She's just trying to get a reaction out of you, and clearly, it's fucking working."
"I saw you, Liam. I'm not blind, and I'm not fucking stupid, alright? I saw you both. Fuck, you don't even try to hide it."
"Do you blame me? Look at you, look how you're fucking acting. You're an embarrassment."
Pushing his chest, you tried to shove him off your face, which only led to him grabbing your arm, pushing his face into yours, "We all know you're not gonna leave me, so what is the fucking point of this argument?"
He was right, you had no intentions of leaving him when you'd first brought up the subject of him sneaking off during parties, and the fact he'd walked into lunch with Jen, both looking a little disheveled.
"You're a fucking asshole, Liam. A fucking-"
"You think I give a shit? I can be whatever the fuck I want, and not a God damned person is gonna stop me. You can't handle what I do? Then fine, fuck off. You're not exactly irreplaceable, baby. There's a hundred other girls at this school alone who would jump at the chance to ride my dick. You could kill yourself tonight and not a single fuckin' person would give a shit. You're not fuckin' special, understand?"
Tears were flowing, blurring your eyesight as you sobbed. Liam knew how fucked up you'd been since your mother left, and with how he was acting, your father may as well have packed a bag and fucked off too. Liam knew exactly how to fuck with your weakness.
You shoved him again, yanking your arm free from his grip. Between the force of your pull, and the lack of visibility, you felt yourself wobble, not aware of how close you were to the edge.
"What a piece of shit," Rue mumbled into your back, her arm holding you tight.
"A part of me can't blame him for it, I mean, I was a fucking mess and not all of my problems were because of him."
Scoffing, you felt Rue shake her head behind you, "Yeah, but he didn't fucking help. What happened after?"
"I woke up in hospital. They said even though it wasn't too big of a fall, I was lucky I wasn't badly injured. Apparently, Liam had told the police that he had ended things with me because he'd just found out about my drug habits. I went psycho and threatened to kill myself before jumping. The hospital confirmed I had drugs in my system, and with everything going on at home... They believed him. They sectioned me on a 5150 before sending me to a psychiatric hospital for three weeks. NA is part of my outpatient treatment."
"And he got away with it? None of your friends said anything?"
You couldn't hold the laugh in, wiping the stray tears that had begun to fall, "He's a rich, white, American man. Nobody questioned it. And they weren't my friends, they were his. They weren't going to incriminate him, or themselves like that."
"I fucking hate this place," Rue sighed as you shifted, snuggling your face into the pillow, "I fucking hate him."
"He's my own Nate Jacobs," You joked, voice void of any humor.
You weren't sure how long you laid in Rue's bed as she quietly snored away behind you, silently wiping away the tears that didn't seem to stop.
#fezco euphoria#fezco fanfic#fezco smut#fezco imagine#fezco x y/n#fezco fanfiction#fez x reader#fez smut#fez euphoria#fez fanfic#fez fanfiction#fez x y/n#mixed drinks and smoke rings#euphoria fanfic#euphoria fic#euphoria imagine#fez imagine
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It was the Year of Oh God What Now 2020 when a little old lady came up to the customer service desk in Lowe's and handed me a pristinely preserved fifteen year old reciept and a plumbing part equally as old.
For those of you who are not from the southeastern part of the continental US, or maybe just too young to recall, fifteen years prior to 2020, something rather signficant happened. It was called Hurricane Katrina, where about 95% of everything at 30 feet above sea level and below was destroyed. Most of the Gulf Coast is below 20 feet.
Now here's the rub. Katrina hit August 29th. This slightly yellowed and otherwise perfectly preserved reciept had April 9th as the date it was printed. So this little flimsy bit was Pre-Katrina.
So this lady already has my full and undivided attention, because very little on the Coast can claim Pre-Katrina status without Ship-of-Theseusing itself. She goes on and on about her husband wanting to do some renovations and then The Whole Horribleness Happened and it kind of got put by the wayside, oh yes we were very lucky, the water got all the way up to our front stoop! But she just wants to return this part, dearie.
Aha. Aha. Ha ha ha. I'm sorry, I say. What?
90 DAY RETURN POLICY sign three feet to her left.
I just want to return this and get my money back for it, she says, oblivious to the low roar of disbelief in my ears.
"Ma'am," says I, trying to figure out how to tell this lady that this receipt is old enough to be making inadvisable decisions in high school. "I can't make the return."
"Well why not?" She asks. "I have a receipt!"
Why not?
7.86 in 2005 is like 12 dollars in 2020 money.
A part made in 2005 is not likely held to the same standards in 2020, and already has the issue of being 15 years old.
And last but very much not least, this is so far outside of the 90 day return policy its wrapped all the way back around to being funny again.
And I'm just so flabbergasted with her idea of what she can do that I just stare at her helplessly.
My Operations Manager comes up behind me, a touchy dude, something that I really normally didn't appreciate with my chronic rib pain. He's got one hand casually on my shoulder. "What seems to be the problem?" he says.
Behind my mask, my mouth opens, then shuts. Then opens again: "She wants to return a Pre-Katrina plumbing part."
90 DAY RETURN POLICY stares balefully three feet to our right.
Behind me, I can almost hear the Windows 95 shutting down jingle as he freezes.
"I've told her that I can't do that," I say past numb lips. "She has a receipt."
I pass him the astonishing piece of paper.
"Uhm," my normally eloquent Operations Manager says. "We can't do that."
"Why not?" she asks. She is not outraged, merely baffled.
My Operations Manager, with the hand that was still on my shoulder, pats me on that same shoulder. "Hey Ruby," he says. "Go take your break."
Well. Don't have to tell me twice.
I get back to the breakroom that has like ten or twelve people in it and I announce to all of them, "This lady just tried to return a Pre-Katrina plumbing part with the reciept."
"Was it from OUR Lowe's?" Plumbing Specialist asks.
"Yes."
"How?!" From about three different mouths.
"Its fuckin' 2020," says Perpetually Unbothered Appliance Guy says, with the southern accent so strong with this might as well happen that it turned twenty-twenty into twany-twandy. "The government will release footage of aliens next, I doan fuckin' know."
(The government did, in fact, release footage of aliens next.)
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2022 top intrusive thoughts
Do we still post our songs of the year on Tumblr? I forget how I've been doing it for the past few years. Whatever, Gen Z, here's my top songs of 2022 and a long ramble about the state of everything in my head.
My favourite songs of the year is a sort of mental breakdown only loosely about music. It’s more of a Hazelwipe of whatever mess we’re seeing some purely-numerical way out of and into the next one.
This year is about death. And grief. And love, stored in a big, white cat. It’s a bit like a webweave with a playlist and the thing I’m mythologising is my own year but haven’t we all been desperately in need of an alternate universe?
It’s annoying that ‘what is grief, if not love persevering?’ is a Marvel quote. But there we go, how appropriate for a year that certainly made me want to face god and walk backwards into hell. The thing is, there’s a difference between grief and loss and I don’t think that 2022 has actually involved a lot of grieving. Just losing and then staring at the void in blank uncomprehension because how are you supposed to just accept that people and things are gone that way.
I’m old enough that there have been years where a few friends or relatives have died. There’s never been a year before where that’s hit double figures. And what right do I have to feelings about it, anyway? It’s not me that’s dead.
I know that’s not how it works. But if ghosts are supposed to be spirits that haven’t passed on, still stuck on something holding them to earth then, well, that seems kinda silly but also a blunt metaphor for complicated feelings you can’t process yet.
What’s more of a haunting than an invasive thought? All my friends are dead, right in the middle of something you were trying to behave normally about but why should you? Why would anything be normal at a time like this?
I have thought about wanting to go home a lot this year. I don’t know where I mean by that. Maybe it’s this list. Maybe this is the campfire embers that give you the excuse of smoke for weeping. Maybe just mundanely curating a top fifteen songs that have been looped into numbness is the annual, purgative equivalent of the dishes somehow being there waiting to be washed, regardless of the DEFCON level.
In which case: the rules of this (“””rules”””) are that I have to be at least somewhat convinced the song came out this year and only one song per artist, unless it’s a guest spot or possibly a remix in which case that’s just whatever. LFG
Here is the playlist
15. Next to Normal - Lucius
There were a bunch of Lucius tracks that nearly made it onto here. It’s probably an indictment of how basic I am that the one that made it on is the most squelchy disco instead of lovingly crafted acoustics or whatever but there’s no time for shame, on the songs of the year list.
The opening line of the opening song of this being I lost some friends/along the way is probably a little too on-the-nose. The next line, though, being laughing at the wrong times/saying things too straight, is a different thing.
I’m feeling old, lately. Not really in the sense of thinking I’m going to die, although there’s a bit of me that’s like damn I may not get to do whatever things I want to do, just in a like: heck, think I might be stuck like this way. This is, in fact, what I am doing when I grow up. I am not going to become normaler.
And ok yeah, with massive amounts of therapy and self-development and space and money and time I could probably rewire myself into something more functional. In the interim I have to swing between running in safe mode and developing if not coping methods than at least a deep understanding of exactly which bits are buggy and how to work round them. It’s a contortion and of course it’s not what top medical professionals suggest for dealing with whatever the fuck is wrong with you but I’m hoping that, in lieu of fixing me, I can at least make it funny.
Squelchy disco is definitely funny, at the same time as fixing absolutely nothing.
14. Slow Song - The Knocks & Dragonette
This is too shiny, too full of love, to really have a place in 2022. But then, even in times like these there’s tenderness innit.
Despite what I just said about the previous song, I have been in this years-long attempt to get better. I do not want to be as severely mentally ill as I am, it’s really bad and there’s also this like, general switch-off from life I’ve had where I don’t know what I enjoy anymore. Maybe nothing.
And one of the things I did to try and improve stuff was get a cat. Not a nice, normal cat, obviously, a semi-demonic, extremely elderly ex-feral cat with dementia who it’d probably be best to describe as “difficult” and “hostile.”
She’s a big, weird, fluffy cloud and when she’s being really truly possessed and just heavy-thunk-walking around the flat, intermittently screaming then some nice middle-of-the-road music actually stops her being a freak. She’s particularly committed to a few old tracks I’m not a huge fan of (the emergency reset button for Indy is Layla) but this is where we can cross over, in a song about the tender, long term familiarity of love, even when it’s not a conventional fairytale.
I got ways of losing you baby/I’m faster than whatever you’re chasing shouldn’t, really, be almost heartbreakingly devotional but it is. The idea of love that’s so well-established you can fuck with it, that knowing you can’t be conventional is no problem because there’s trust there anyway - returning to each other like a song loop. Well, maybe there is some aspirational hope for love, after all. Something still to want.
In the meantime, there is a big, white cat purring like a broken tractor because she likes sitting with me and listening to music. And that’s pretty great, if I’m honest.
13. Broke - BEGINNERS (St Lucia Remix)
This just stumbled into my Spotify release radar at some point and became one of my most-played songs of the year. It’s a glittery electropop banger, under St Lucia’s expert moulding and it’s about making bad life choices - something I am very expert in.
Something this year has definitely told me is that there is no point waiting and saving things. You don’t know that you’re going to get to them. It’s always better to be broke than lonely is extremely bad financial advice but I’d rather be poor than miss out on the limited number of things I still do outside work.
Comfort hedonism is obviously ridiculous as a concept and not exactly likely to be a long-term solution but sometimes saying seeing your friends is worth it, that you’d rather eat instant noodles than miss a night in the pub.
Maybe it’s morbid that nearly everything I’ve felt this year has orbited the black hole gravity pit of loss but making sense of something senseless is a recursive, looping process.
I listened to this a lot when things were getting very bad, this summer. When I knew I had to stop doing the work I loved, that I already didn’t enjoy anything outside of - the bright, glittery, arms-in-the-air shout of I’m trying to stop/having all these bad thoughts rattled round the inside of my head while I locked off more boxes of things it’s not possible to think about and shoved them into cold storage.
In all that rigorously enforced minimalism there’s something so warm to the embrace of your seat, in your pub, with your conversation. To finding something - else, anything - to talk about still. And I was gonna be broke anyway, so what’s it worth being miserable over.
12. Dance For You - Empress Of
Every year I manage to write this list there’s some track about yearning for dancefloors and staying out too long and it used to be because I still did that sort of thing and now I guess I don’t. Not cus I’m old, that’s bollocks, I’m sure I could stay up later than most 24 year olds and actually I was out until like, 6am the other week but well, no one does anymore do we?
Maybe someone is. This is probably just another one of the things I’ve given up doing because I don’t know how to enjoy it anymore. Which is probably why nothing intended for a three-glasses-of-white-wine-and-a-shot-of-sambucca dancefloor invasion is on here, just this, the gentle, warm, melancholy echo of dancing.
Like setting down an empty bottle and your heels on an abandoned dancefloor and sliding a foot across to see if your tights stick, under your toes. If there’s enough residue of what was all that messy, throwaway, momentary stuff until everything became tediously monumental.
It’s a sad spell to conjure something back but the votive flame licks enough bpm through it to keep the sparks going. Kiss the morning/on the head/in the body of a woman on the last dance - forgetting how to dance is one thing, maybe just remembering how to come back home happy’d be enough progress.
11. No One Dies From Love - Tove Lo
This is just a very good Tove Lo song and the No one dies from love/guess I’ll be the first chorus is absolutely banging melodrama. Proper 80s ballad stylings on a bunch of levels, not least the thrumming call-and-repeat chorus.
Obviously being hideously dramatic about a heartbreak is important. I don’t know if I can actually do that anymore. But I respect anyone who can and the scenery-chewing scale of being like “I actually am going to be the first person who straight-up dies about it.” And the synths hum and push it forwards, out of the dirge territory the vocals are in danger of hitting otherwise (please tell me there are no acoustic versions) in a way that contrasts just enough to keep it all interesting.
There are things I can’t talk about to don’t want you moving on when it’s my end but that’s by the by. It’s just a sad banger.
10. CUFF IT - Beyoncé
You know who seems to have her life 100% under control to the tiniest minutiae? Beyoncé. So I respect that a lot of her songs are actually about either being or wanting to be a messy bitch. I don’t know if they’re written autobiographically because Beyoncé doesn’t have to tell us and it doesn’t change the fact they’re true either way. Take this, which is a bubbly little number about wanting to get wrecked and fuck your life up.
As an area of expertise, for me, that’s naturally of interest. I feel like falling in love/I’m in the mood to fuck something up mm, yeah, maybe not the love but I get the overall vibe. Absolutely wrecking things with the good times. I’d assume B meant like, actually good times or maybe romantic ones but there’s a little discordancy to the track and it’s particularly in the trilling, smooth, hysteria of the way she delivers I wanna go missing/I need a prescription.
Sometimes, when you are going through a city in the dark, in the back or a passenger seat of a car and you’ve already had a few, there’s this like, electric knowledge that you’re gonna fuck something (yourself) up. It’s exciting and horrifying, like jumping out of a plane but the suspension’s smooth and you’re warm and secure, it’s just the choice that’s a little like jumping. This song gets that, golden lights streaming past the window and all.
9. The Fall - Zola Jesus
In ‘things that shock no one’ I, an old goth, like Zola Jesus’ dark, creeping semi-classical. This is one of her most straightforwardly poppy songs for ages, almost an MOR rock chorus and some lovely synths a bit like Everywhere by Fleetwood Mac.
It’s probably the unlikely ‘Zola Jesus songs that sound a bit like The Fray’ area that appeals almost exclusively to a venn diagram of me but as a brooding bit of mood-absorption that can cathartically bleed things off through the earphones cable it’s really excellent.
Then about halfway through it sort of flips and becomes, frankly, even more like ‘Zola Jesus does The Fray’ with a middle eight breakdown that takes all the sludge off it and goes for some light rock stylings before a plunge into aimless, much-more-Zola-Jesus-y echoing for twenty seconds or so.
It’s just a grumpy, curmudgeonly bit of dadrock and I like that.
8. Feedback - La Roux, Baby Tate
It’s pretty weird that I have a playlist called La Roux Songs About Driver Assist Functions that now has three tracks on it. It almost feels cringe being a car person and putting this in my tracks of the year but also half the reason I like it is because I think it’s very funny.
But also I’ve been stepping on the gas when I break down, I’m in here running laps when it rains down ok thanks for this blunt metaphor for breaking yourself in a motorsport context. Other banging lines like might swap my twitter for a journal/tried to run but I’m running into hurdles I mean, it’s fucking on the nose like a punch but sometimes someone accidentally puts your own invasive thoughts and cyclical breakdowns into a little fun, bouncy banger that’s coincidentally got a load of car metaphors.
The Weeknd (who I think of as existing somewhere in the timeline of La Roux roughly the way Britney Spears was briefly ‘the American Billie Piper’) does a lot of car related shit but the real automotive fiend in the coked up paranoid electropop space is La Roux. I find it kinda fascinating and I'd love to interview her about it because it's not the same status stuff as with hyperpop's car fixation, it's that she just seems to think about things through various car functions. About actual driving, more than cars even - which is pretty cool to me, obviously because I'm a nerd but also just like, striking as a pop motif.
7. Wasteman - Kate Nash
Didn’t have a break up this year, so maybe it’s weird this one made it in. Well, I lie; didn’t have a break up with a human being I was in a romantic relationship with, just had one of those ones where you realise letting go of years of excruciating effort is the only logical conclusion over something you love that’s really fucking you up. It’s just in my case that was an electric racing series, which is kind of very funny and maybe I’ll do some stand up about it one day.
“You know,” I’ll say, “when you’re into that stage where you can’t remember what made you feel good about spending any time with them and you still love them but you can’t imagine any way where it works out for you to be happy, with all this water under the bridge and you’ve said for years it’s your fault and you’ll find a way and then they finally cross a line that makes you think - oh fuck you?”
Oh yeah, the audience is thinking. Yeah, when things have just got like, harrowingly bitter but there’s a freedom to the revelation you can just grieve it. It’s gone. It was making you worse and things worse and no matter how much you wanted it it wasn’t going to work out.
And they won’t know I’m talking about a stupid, misaligned, increasingly acerbic relationship with a racing series that saved my life five years ago. Something I fell in love with when I didn’t think I could fall in love again. Something that gave me a sense of purpose and joy and hope when I really needed it last time so it’s not just been a waste, man.
But there’s a point where you have to reclaim a little bit of yourself from the sadness and sometimes that means realising you fucking hate them, just a little bit. That this isn’t fair and you’re sad about it but also there has to be that moment where like: it’s done, it’s gone, you can’t do anything about this anymore. Yes, there are probably other universes where it worked out better but you’re not in them.
This song helps because it eases you into it like a friend gently explaining that actually, yes, you do have to do this. Let's you turn it around a few times in your own brain with the repetition like the loop conversations anyone who’s had to tell a friend that, yes, you have to get rid of that guy.
And then the strings kick in and it’s that shoulder shrug of sometimes there being nothing you can do. Doesn’t matter how much you put in or how much you are owed by the universe for this. It didn’t work, it didn’t happen - it is true a lot in motorsport and yes it’s because I’m me, too queer too, too loud, too willing to battle it out on principles, too not in a position to be able to do that. Maybe too insecure, eventually - but I’d like to see the men who call me that on Twitter ship themselves transatlantically and across the world on a hope and a prayer.
Of course it’s always me but ultimately, it could have worked if enough people had bought into not just the idea of me but what I was doing. It’s ok, it’s over. Maybe it’s good to become a less desperate human being.
Took me some time to see/you’re actually shady
You fucking take the piss/I must have been crazy
You cannot win them all. (but bro, I would’ve really liked to win this one and it hurts like hell and this is my song for when I feel like I want to slink back and beg)
6. Black Mascara - RAYE
This is solidly into the things I can’t speak about, emotionally.
Musically, this is just a triumph; a beautiful, dark work about how screwed you are. A spectacular, layered, four-poster of what you’ve done to me, what you’ve done to me - I don’t want to be that person. Neither does this song. But there it is, stacking on top of itself in impossible, towering pressure.
5. Beg For You - Charli XCX & Rina Sawayama
This is so warm and urgent and gorgeous and so desperate for that human contact off a plane. I only took 27 flights in 2022 which is low for me but still horrific for the planet, all were for work. Not getting collected is miserable - not getting dropped off is worse. A few years ago I didn’t mind leaving home at all because home was a boat with no door but now I’ve just managed to get my life enough together to have some sense of a place and people and big, warm, marshmallow cat to come back to that’s definitely mine. Maybe I’m finally doing that becoming a person bit I probably should have worked out 15 years ago.
Anyway, this - half-angry and very soppy and completely in love, is gorgeous. It’s all desperation and longing and wanting to spend more time with someone even when you’re with them, about the comfort of being known without having to be seen. About the giddiness of missing someone with the excitement they’ll be back.
I don’t actually know if my friends miss me when I’m away, they might well be glad I’ve fucked off for a bit frankly but I miss them when they go. I got really offended a month or so ago when everyone was busy or out of the country simultaneously and like, what, I’m meant to hang out with people outside the six ones I’ve decided are home? Outrageous. Why would no one cater to my needs like this.
Turning into the cat aside, this is an early-00s garage banger turned sweetly desperate and that’s exactly the kind of thing I’m into.
4. Somebody Like You - Bree Runway
I had a lot of formative musical experiences in the 90s when a Phil Collins/Annie Lennox style synth ballad of ludicrously dramatic proportions was the height of pop performance. So this In The Air Tonight-scale enormo-pop thing isn’t really what I expected from Bree Runway but does hit a very specific spot. I feel like it deserves more words for being this far up the list but nope: it’s just a very massive ballad and it slaps.
3. This Hell - Rina Sawayama
Cute, very late-00s pop about burning eternally in the after life as a shared queer celebratory experience is a genre I think there should be a lot more of.
It’s weird cus like, I know I am in queer but tend to think I don’t really face all that much homophobia or whatever, apart from off my mum and Fernando Alonso fans. But like, it’s a pretty tough time to be in the LGBTQ+ community, isn’t it? There’s the Qatar world cup, the constant violent attacks, the legislative pushes to make us illegal to speak about, ‘gender critical’ misogyny and appalling transphobia, queer people hurt and harmed and demonised and treated as threats, as something filthy.
Idk if it’s the microaggressive oppression-collusion of the way motorsport fans reach for the smelling salts at the first sign of anything remotely queer, like it’s too filthy for the world to ever know about. Or the outright abuse from transphobes, convinced they can ‘just tell’ that a cis woman would never support trans people being able to live their fucking lives like anyone else.
And a Xenomania-esque, unrepentant pop song that turns the idea of eternal damnation into an endless love is just - honestly, give it all the prizes. I’m sick of media explaining it’s hard to be queer, that’s for straight people. I wanna hear that it’d be worth any vision of hell for a chance at love, that it’s good to be us regardless. That the shitness of the world is better together, that it pays off to stay.
2. 2 Be Loved (Am I Ready) - Lizzo
It’s really, just. Like. Embarrassing to hate yourself when you’re 36. Like, come on, I should be over this, I need that brain capacity for other things. I can’t be worrying about whether anyone thinks I’m hot for fuck’s sake, we’re past that event horizon.
And yet. Here we are. I can pick at everything from my physical failings to my personal or professional ones, my myriad of mental health issues, my laundry list of trauma. I don’t even want a relationship - or I’m too scared of the idea, at least, now. I wouldn’t expect anyone to put up with this. I’m surprised the cat even does.
Beyond any of that, I guess it’d be nice to be able to take a compliment without having a mental breakdown. Accept that people will sometimes praise my work without it snapping shut a bear trap in my head that literally hurts me.
I listened to this all the way to Mexico and back last month. The full 11 hours. I feel like I can trust it in a way most coming-out-of-the-self-esteem-crisis anthems don’t. Lizzo is obviously amazingly hot and ludicrously cool. But I can believe she doesn’t always think that about herself. Can understand the idea of having to put in work to not hate yourself.
At the end of the day, it’s a shiny pop song about finally finding love and of course I’m getting soppy in my old age but that’s hopeful. That it’s worth the work of bothering to deal with the mess in your head because there’s something to be gained from seeking out and accepting love. That there's still value to wanting things.
1. Were We Ever - Kyla La Grange
If there are alternate universes, with every point that something happens branching into all possible consequences, then it feels as though those are being snuffed out. Everything turning into a narrowing funnel towards a future no one wants to be in. And yet I wish my friends were still with me to see it.
This is the song I didn’t loop but somehow turned up in my Spotify Wrapped most played. Every time I think about my dead friends and the insane circumstances, I can’t really think. I don’t have the emotional range, maybe, for so much loss. I know who and what to blame but there’s no fixing it, for that. Destroying weapons is worthwhile but for its own sake, not because it will undo what they’ve done. Curing diseases is good but it can’t bring anyone back. There are a million what ifs to a lot of things and when they converge into whatever is going forwards there’s no take backs.
This song sits in the sulky liminal. About a relationship crumbling but it might as well be about reality in general; were we ever happy? Was there a point where it was possible to hold each other? What existed before the static-roar of whatever this is now?
I don’t know. Or well, intellectually I do, a little bit - it’s painful to think about, though, which is why the white noise has to be so all-consuming.
This is quiet and calm and furious. It’s not about shock or sudden pain. It’s about what everything has felt like it’s about this year; looping a single thought until you can let it go like a held breath. Holding on in there until the shaking subsides. Keeping your nerve through the impossible. Not screaming.
The if you would’ve held me like that, I wouldn’t forget it refrain is a type of mournful anger that’s accepting as much as it’s denying. The insistent chime feels like the pushing on of time, clocks not stopping even when life does. That’s the thing, isn’t it - it all just relentlessly carries on, regardless of who’s no longer there.
When I can’t think about the things that are intruding on my thoughts, this fills the space. It’s just cathartic enough that it doesn’t jar. It’s angry but realistic with it, which helps because what’s the point at raging at death, you might as well fight gravity. I find it very hard to talk about my feelings because my fury at Putin’s monstrous actions is one thing and my grief for my friends is another, something sharper and more personal - they died politically and senselessly but I remember them personally and with meaning, from the way they touched my life.
If you woulda held me like that, I wouldn’t forget it - I don’t know when it will stop feeling like 2022. I don’t know when the static can be turned down. I don’t even know which order to feel things in, when it gets to the future. On the darker days, I don’t know if there’ll be one - there isn’t, for so many people. But there is something about holding and being held, not forgetting. The future is dangerously statistical, except the things you remember.
There isn’t a bright note to end on here. It’s 2022 and it’s dark. But if you need one: go hold something, be held. Keep something in your heart, even if it feels impossibly fragile right now.
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⁉️ 10 Love? : ep 2 : guess who got a job as a tennis instructor?!
⁉️synopsis : beomgyu has been trying all year to get Y/n’s attention but he only truly gets it when he volunteers to help her practice tennis. Now beomgyu has 10 weeks till Y/n’s first comp to train and win her over.
⁉️genre : non idol au, highschool au, smau, fluff
⁉️taglist : @gyumibear@be-argyu@lovely-yunashane | masterlist
“Fuck”. You looked all over the court to no avail to find beomgyu. You knew Beomgyu wasn’t a creep.. he just always ended up looking like one. to be honest you were quiet fond of the boy. when he wasn’t getting weird sightings from her friends he was.. well really nice.
He was always at your games cheering you on, anytime he caught you walking out of school he made you laugh with a terrible dad joke and-
“IM SO SORRY DONT FIRE ME PLEASE!”. You laughed audibly out loud. Looking Beomgyu up and down the boy wore mix matched shoes a basket ball jersey and shorts and a backwards cap.
“You know we’re playing tennis right?”. Beomgyu nodded furiously as he opened his phone.
“Ok let’s start with the basics”. After 15 minutes you started to noticed Beomgyu did in-fact not know what the hell the ‘basics’ were. For 8 of those 15 minutes the poor boy had you doing yoga poses. The other 7 were him not being able to even get the ball past the net. So it was safe to say you had to stopped mid way.
“Gyu be honest with me”. Gyu. From his friends mouths Gyu was just a silly nickname but from you is was the best form of endearment.
“Hmm”
“So do you even know how to play tennis”
“Nope”. You laughed. Beomgyu made you laugh with a joke he didn’t steal from the internet.
“Well.. I’m already good so.. would you mind just being my ‘coach’ for the title so I don’t have to spend actual ‘coach’ money?”. Beomgyu eagerly nodded.
“I can still help though! Like moral support and stuff! And little tips!”. You nodded. Beomgyu beamed at you as you quickly ran over to teach him the basics so you could have an opponent. Beomgyu felt like he was in a kdrama. He was half listening to you and half geeking about what was happening. You had half hazardly tried to, back hug him to show him how to use the racket correctly. To you, you just didn’t have to spend money you didn’t have. To Beomgyu he was starting to think he actually had a chance with you.
After you made sure Beomgyu could actually hit a ball that could pass the net, you ran back to your side of the court to play. For the next hour and fifteen minutes you played with Beomgyu. In that one hour and fifteen minutes with out you knowing Beomgyu got, five bruises, thought he pulled something and a headache. But you didn’t need to know any of that. Just being with you made him happy. So it was safe to say Beomgyu was pretty bummed when the session ended. As you ran to get your stuff Beomgyu Followed.
“So can we meet everyday on Wednesday’s and Friday’s to practice coach”. Beomgyu looked at his fake watch and thought for a minute before he answered. You laughed.
“Sounds good to me Ms.K”. You titled your head.
“Ms.K?”
“Miss Kitty cause you look like a cat”. You couldn’t help but burst out laughing. Sure it was a well known fact by all your friends that you looked like a cat but somehow when Beomgyu said it, it was so much funnier. In those five seconds you were laughing Beomgyu was analyzing you.
You had sweat beads across you head, some stray hairs on your head and the brightest smile he had ever seen.
“You thirsty?”
“Uh.. ya”
“Ok wanna go to the cafe I think it’s still open because of clubs.. oh and I have to stop by the film club for like five minutes before”. Beomgyu nodded and followed closely behind you as you entered the school.
“We’re here you can wait here if you want”. Beomgyu nodded and watched you talk to your friends. Some peeked out the door to see an awkward Beomgyu fiddling with his cap, that he had now taken off after you made a joke about it during practice.
“I think this is the first time I’ve heard him be like totally silent..”. Wonyoung said and Yeji giggled.
“Wony stop it I’m paying this man five cents for and hour and thirty minutes for that he’s really nice”
“Didn’t you text me that mid way you had to teach him how to play tennis?”. Wony laughed but quickly stopped after you glared at her.
“He’s really nice when you get to know him! Talk to him at the next game you’ll see!”. Beomgyu was struggling to hear anything but he heard you loud and clear. You thought he was nice. The girl he had been pinning after for the last two years thought he was nice. This was definitely a step in the right direction for Beomgyu. So as you walked out he linked arms with you.
“What’s this for?”
“It’s just your really short don’t wanna lose you on our way to the cafe”. Your rolled your eyes and as the two of you started to bicker a smile grew on Beomgyu’s face.
“I told you he was nice Wony”
“I know.. I just don’t wanna ever see Y/n hurt”. Why’ll the two girls finally went back to their work, you and Beomgyu exchanged numbers and were starting a new chapter in each others lifes.
#kpop fanfic#kpop#kpop idol x reader#kpop imagines#kpopidol#kpop gg#kpop smau#kpop girls#reader x idol#reader insert
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