#i was a child and no one ever knew

[hgduo]

... Will you guys please let me talk about hgduo/gossipduo/mockingjays/ whatever they are called a little more pleaseeeeeeeeee, they make me unwell and I want to get my thoughts about them out of my head- or more specifically about them from Bad's point of view!

There's a familial air to it, but it's just not true to define it like that- and that doesn't make what they DO have any less powerful or significant- They have a unique bond and that continues to be true, even during painful times like this.

Cellbit WAS Bad's responsibility at one point, and that time came and went- he got him through the war and into adulthood ( aka 18 years old or close to it.) They meet again as old friends and generally respect each other as such... but even so Bad can't deny he still feels some duty to watch over the man once he starts crumbling- much like how Cellbit as well can't help but reach out to Bad during this time.

but there's limits.

like- Bad for years had and still wants to protect Cellbit, he's had an influence on him, he taught him how to survive, he himself acknowledges he has some responsibility over Cellbit, looking at Cellbit right now feels like looking in a mirror, he doesn't like having to give up on him, but if it's between him and the kids he's choosing the kids every time... and he knows there is no simple way to save someone who refuses to let themself be saved.

And it hurts! It hurts seeing Cellbit like this! It hurts having to let him burn! It hurts watching someone he cares for falling down the same path he is! It hurts knowing he's hurting others the way it did for him seeing Cellbit like this! It hurts having to choose his kids over his protege/ student/ former responsibility/ the kid he watched over years ago/ old friend/ his 'something'!

Like, cc!Bad brought up this internal mental tier list that q!Bad has- I still deeply believe that q!Cellbit is quite high up there even if he'll never be at the level his kids are at- like he loves Cellbit enough that he ACTUALLY CONSIDERED putting parts of his months long plan at risk to save him- even if it was just during the stress of that moment that still means a LOT from Bad- but he was always going to choose his kids in the end!

Based on what I know of q!Bad (which is admitably not a lot lol) there is next to nothing that'd convince him to give up on his kids- with Cellbit he's able to see that he can't help him because Cellbit sadly does not want to be saved- and for Bad that means he simply has to accept it even if he really doesn't like it- the emotions from that night have processed and he's looking at the situation from a more logical and resolute perspective. If it means him and Cellbit may one day clash, then with a heavy sigh so be it....

but if it was Dapper or Pomme... I just don't feel certain in saying he'd be able to come to that conclusion, especially not after one night. Even if it would be the 'smart' thing to do. It's one of the key differences between the dynamic he has with them vs Cellbit...

But, in a perfect situation, he would've done everything to save them both.

Anyway thanks for reading, posting this at hell hours so my beloved mutuals won't see my hgduo ramblings but tagging this anyway for other people to see LMAO-

#mockingjays #hgduo #gossipduo #qsmp #badboyhalo #cellbit #God it's honestly a major problem how in love with this dynamic I am because I rly don't feel like I know shit about Bad or Cellbit LOL #like I enjoy both of their characters a lot but I feel so uncertain about actually ever talking about them- I enjoy them a LOT #but I don't think I have the best grasp on them as characters compared to others- wish I did though! #esp. Cellbit despite having been in love with his character since he joined- hence why I talk more about Bad's point of view LOL #wish I knew more Portuguese so I could 'get' q!Cellbit more I love him </3 #I always feel scared talking about them because their other fans just get them way better then I do- I'm just hyperfixing over one aspect! #one last comment I do generally feel like they have a similar view of one another of like-but recently I feel like Cellbit wants to view Ba #as something closer to a parental figure- consciously or not- but he still doesn't see him as family- at least not in his past #They were two dudes doing whatever it took to survive- but still he was a child and Bad was the adult he looked up to! #longpost

[adammilligan]

when adam says "no, john winchester was some guy who took me to a baseball game once a year. i don't have a dad" like yes SIR get his ass

#i have so many thoughts about adam and kate and their dynamic with john and it's mainly that #obviously anything about john said by the ghoul has to be taken with a whole handful of salt. obviously #because it was actively trying to manipulate sam and dean #but when the ghoul said that younger adam bugged kate 24/7 to call john i believe it. just because it makes sense #he was young! he wanted to know who his dad was. and that's understandable #and the fact that adam HAD to beg 24/7 for kate to call him....i think kate knew something was off about john #i really do. and the fact that john only showed up on adam's birthdays and only ever took him out to baseball games #which are very crowded very PUBLIC places where anything can be observed by bystanders #i think kate set that up as well. without adam's knowledge #but adam eventually grew disillusioned with john as well because from a kid's perspective #who's had to watch his mother work herself to death to support the both of them #john WAS a douchebag who only ever came around to try and fail to play house #he didn't bother trying to raise adam he didn't pay child support he didn't do ANYTHING #he just showed up pretended to act like a father and then left. and adam and kate were left there still #with their bills. with adam still having to raise himself. with kate still working the night shift and breaking her back to support them #it makes me think about how it affects adam in the future. like his behavior #because adam as we've seen has always tried to look at things from different perspectives and hear people out #in 5x18 he was like okay i'll hear you guys out even though i don't like you. give me one good reason #and in 15x08 he advocates for sam and dean even though he doesn't want to. he talks michael #but it's so interesting to me. because the line that's always gotten me about 15x08 is 'you still care about that? after he left you in the #cage?' #and it's like. adam IS genuinely trying to understand where michael's coming from. he DOES understand michael's love for his father #but when concerning the father it's like #he DOES tend to be black and white about it. john was a shitty person so therefore he's not his dad #god is a shitty person who left michael in the cage therefore michael shouldn't care what he thinks. or about him in general #et cetera et cetera #the issue of the father is the one issue that adam is black and white about. and that is to say fuck them we don't need them #it's SOOOO interesting to me. really #kate rambles #adam milligan

[fleshdyke]

#csa warning for tags #ughhh ik i was just talking abt this but man. Man. constantly bullied as a child + raped as a child is a brutal combo huh #completely irreversibly fucked up sense of intimacy. i dont want to have sex with anyone i dont care what ppl think of me looks wise but i #also care more than anything and want people to want me so bad #like when ur only experience with anyone at all finding you desirable is being raped at 6ish. fucks u up man #was constantly told by everyone i knew that i was undesirable from day fucking one. i was always the one ppl would dare their friends to #'ask out' bc everyone thought i was that bad. i never had those rumours of 'some boy likes you' without people laughing in the background #all of my friends. even the ones that were also weird kids and bullied etc etc always have stories of other kids having crushes on them or #whatever. and i just never had that. it feels like i missed out on something important #i want to be pursued by a guy i hate i want them to not leave me alone. i want to feel like im in danger. and i know how fucking disgusting #that is but i cant help it. like i feel like thats the only way im going to feel normal and wanted like theres not something inherently #wrong with me. and i know how dangerous that is but its not like it matters anyways bc still no one likes me at all. #and i know how stupid of a thing it is to obsess over like what am i 9 years old? but i just cant get it out of my head #like idk i feel like the only way im going to actually feel desirable at all is if someone tries to rape me again. or if i feel like i have #to worry about someone raping me again. i know i wouldnt feel that way if someone was like. nice about it. #bc if someone genuinely liked me and was a decent human being about it i wouldnt be able to see it as anything other than faking it for pit #i wouldnt be able to believe it. even if i wasnt waiting for them to drop the joke and start laughing at me i would always think it was jus #an act bc they feel bad for me. the only way i could ever think it's genuine and that i'm desirable at all is if someone sexually #harassed me. like idk how to explain it but thats the only way i could feel desirable at all #bc it's the only way i've ever been desirable. when i was a kid. #and it terrifies me so bad bc i know how fucking disgusting that is and how self destructive it is #but i still feel like i dont even have to really worry about being assaulted. bc i still believe im completely undesirable at my core. #i dont believe i could be desired so i dont believe i have to worry about being raped. bc no one would want to anyways #rambles #vent

[sherlock-is-ace]

the imposter syndrome i feel every time i even slightly think i might be autistic is insane, specially for a person who highly relates to the lived experiences of people who are professionally diagnosed.

Like I was just watching this one youtuber, and she was talking about very specific examples in her life and childhood where she saw autistic traits that made her realize she was autistic and then seek a diagnosis and then get one, and everything she was saying was like she was describing my life! But yeah no, I can't be autistic tho

#and one thing that has been filling me with dread (as if it was relevant lol) is the idea of seeking a diagnosis and #either not geting it because it's already so hard to find a diagnosis for '''''''women''''''' (afabs) #and that will make me doubt myself even more! but most importantly those around me who already don't believe me #but also i'm very scared about this one thing in particular which is the talking to your parents portion of the diagnosis #where the therapist will want to talk to people who knew me as a child... and that person will have to be my mom #and i'm pretty sure she will dismiss most signs. like she would either not bring them up because ''they're normal'' #or play them as less important than they were #or maybe she didn't even notice them! because most of my struggles are internal! #things like being bullied or having no friends or liking a routine #idk if she'll be able to talk about all those #because my bullying wasn't violent it was mostly dismissive #my ''friends'' weren't really friends like i didn't CARE for them as maybe someone would have #and also they would leave me for no reason at all out of the blue... so i don't think even THEY considered ME a friend #and liking routine i guess she could say i prefered it but she doesn't know to the extent i hated going off it #i'm sure she forgot about the time i cried (as a 10 year old so not THAT young) because they made us change classroom #and i didn't know that was gonna happen... it was added to the anxiety that i thought my mother wouldn't be able to find me #but like the unknown classroom traumatized me (to this day i get anxious just thinking about that) #like... all those things i don't think she would bring up (if she could even) and i fear that will make me not get a diagnosis #not that this is a thing that's gonna happen cause as i established i cannot afford a therapist nor i'll ever get a diagnosis i don't think #so like it's not relevant #but i am anxious about it nonetheless #angel talks #personal #idk what's my point with this post btw i'm just venting and creaming to the void #dkfjhgdfg

[nobody-expects-the-inquisitorius]

No no I promise I fixate on the Bad Batch for perfectly normal reasons nothing is wrong with my family at all I had a great childhood i swear

#my mother never hit me and then insisted she didn't ten years later whilst loudly condemning anyone who hits their child #i was never emotionally manipulated and gaslit for 21 years of my life and counting #i was never raised solely as an investment to fund my mother #and treated like dirt on her shoe when i didn't want to follow the life she picked out for me #she never admitted to my face i'm an investment #i never had to sit on the stairs listening to my parents screaming at each other #i was never treated like i wasn't there #never unofficially banned from seeing my granddad for years as a kid and never not told the reason why #because my mother got jumpy about me getting just that little bit too close to him #closer than i was to her #never not allowed a phone till i was 18 #never told i wasn't allowed a bank account either #never had to fight to do the degree i wanted rather than something i knew for a fact would kill me #never had my laptop purged at 16 and every one of my private files gone through and deleted by my mother #because i wanted to write stories #never treated like i'd committed a crime for it #the one person in this fucking godforsaken family who was worth staying for never died #never homeschooled as a child and told to lie to anyone who asked that i went to school #just so she could keep me fully trapped under her thumb #nothing ever went wrong with my family #vent

[faytears]

no bc how fucked up is it that hunter grew up surrounded by adults that did not give a shit abt him and had no moral compasses...this is all speculation but i cant help but think how unsafe an environment that must be for a child to exist in.  w the exception of Team RED these r all extremely manipulative people that hunter watched constantly backstab each other (which clearly impacted the way he viewed friendships in general) that include the likes of terra snapdragon and adrian graye.  even when he attained a position of authority they did not respect him and probably saw him as just some nepotism baby.  like no wonder hunter latched on to belos if all the coven heads were outwardly just creeps w ulterior motives.  there was literally no other adult he was sure cared abt him besides his uncle and belos knew that and used it to his advantage

#toh hunter #hunter toh #toh #the owl house #toh spoilers #emperor belos #raine whispers #toh darius #darius toh #toh eberwolf #eberwolf toh #terra snapdragon #adrian graye #child abuse tw #this is all assuming hunter spent his childhood in the castle but i cant imagine where else he could possibly have grown up lmao so. #laying on the floor at 2 am thinking abt how fucking sheltered and isolated hunter was all his life #there was never gonna be any support system in the castle for him and belos KNEW that #obv there is raine who is incredibly kind but theyre just one person. they probably tried their best for him but i doubt #they wouldve been able to spend much time w him one on one :( although its implied that they had a positive relationship #w darius i dont think he was ever outright cruel to hunter but i also dont think he could stand to be in the same room as him lmao #it was probably too painful and frustrating + if the beginning of asias is anything to go by #he had a LOTTT of bitterness towards the kid el oh el... #and eberwolf is eberwolf need i say more. #oh and cant forget former ec head lilith who saw him as just some brat <3 #like. THINK ABT IT. someone shouldve called boiling isles CPS years ago #mine

[wizardnuke]

i know it's popular fanon to think that essek has little to no relationship experience and i do think his bedroom experience is average at best (for a hot young* elf) but i Personally think he's got a long line of heartbreaks behind him. i mean this so slash negative slash derogatory i think he was out there wining and dining and leaving-behining all the time. just for fun and profit. working on his acting chops. showing off. he likes attention dude. i don't think that's directly contradictory to him being very reclusive and quiet about his work i think he was mysterious and sexy and thought flirting was funny. anyway he and caleb "genuinely falls in love with every other person he meets and then is really weird about it, EXCEPT for essek, who he was genuinely honeypotting" widogast, who essek was also genuinely honeypotting for reasons Far beyond boredom (see: i think some of his early weirdness/awkward formality can be explained by the fact that he was trying to mask real homicidal rage towards the m9) are insane together they're ride or die they're perfect for each other they're lifelong "friends" and they're playing mind games the likes of which would level a city park id they broke out of containment. and it's enrichment for them

#i think it is absolutely critical to keep in mind that 1. this CHILD of an elf (in comparison to da'leth) convinced DA'LETH to do treason #with him. not that i think da'leth is generally against treason but essek had to have been a winning combo of cunning and charismatic for #that to work. and 2. caleb generally falls in love with everyone BUT this is so critical BUT he did not fucking do that with essek. #he Did Not. my guy is not that stupid he knew exactly what he was looking at. he didn't know the scale but he knew Something Was Up #and essek 'flirts so often he forgets he's flirting' thelyss and caleb 'victim and perp of some of the most insane relationship drama to #ever come out of wildemount AND a trained manipulator' widogast stumbled into one another sometime circa hot chocolate whiskey #and Aeor Horrors #and both promptly had the same OH NO moment before saying fuck it and showing off increasingly complicated spells #as a mating dance #while also still being deeply insane about their perception of 'normal relationships' and 'how to communicate' #caleb did a good job at the grove but. where's the fic where he gets essek to stay the damn night via shutting off his magic

[batcavescolony]

I'm back talking about Harry Potter and Snape's worst memory because while I hate the author y'all bug me.

Snape worst memory isn't James bulling him or string him up in front of the school, (that was bad I'm not saying it wasn't) it was Lily ending her friendship with him because he called her a Mudblood. With evidence.

To prove my point we have to go read the Deathly Hallows when Snape gave Harry his memories! We get to see the scene again but this time the thing that sticks out the most is Snape calling Lily a Mudblood. Now if that's not enough proof the next memory goes like this.

*Outside Gryffindor Tower*

Snape: I'm sorry

Lily: I'm not interested

S: I'm sorry!

L: save your breath... I only came out here because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here.

S: I was. I would have done. I never ment to call you a Mudblood it just-

L: Slipped out? It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends- you see, you don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you? I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine.

S: No-listen, I didn't mean-

L:-to call me a Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?

*Lily leaves. Memory ends*

The next memory is Snape becoming a turn coat for Dumbledore so he could keep Lily safe because Voldemort wouldn't spare her.

Snape has had worse experiences then a teenage James Potter being a bully (even if it was shitty). so we look at the rest of the memory and lo and behold what do we see? The actual worst moment of Snape life, the moment he lost Lily forever.

#I just saw someone say they hated Lily because he's was too hard on Severus all he did was call her a Mudblood. #Yeah just called her a slur...And found it funny when dark magic was used on someone. And joined a hate group that would kill her. #And would've let her child and husband die if it ment she lived. bffr 🙄 lets put this in real world terms! #you're a minority (pick one) and you go to a school but their are some people who hate you for existing. but its ok you've got your bff! #now years go by and bff is still your bff but theyve changed. they're hanging out with those aforementioned people who hate you for existin #and yeah you dont like it but they're your bff since for ever so you make excuses. but then bff starts calling people like you slurs... #now bff hasn't called you slurs so maybe its just peer pressure you let it slide its your bff. now you find out that not only are there #people who hate you for existing there is his hate group and they want you and people like you dead. obviously you dont like his. now bffs #friends they want to join this hate group... and bff doesn't deny it. ok thats not great. bffs friends who wanna join the hate group have #now moved passed just calling people like you slurs. they've went and beat the shit out of a person like you that you considered a friend. #and bff.... they say that it was just a joke. but are again not denying wanting to join the hate group that wants you dead. you love bff so #you just keep your mouth shut. now the day comes! bff has now called you a slur. and you cant make excuses anymore. they're just like their #friends and you cut your losses because again bff and their friends want to join a hate group that wants to kill you!!! #its not poor litte Severus its poor Lily. she thought she had a friend and HE betrayed HER! but but but why didnt she stop him from joining #she was a child! she was in a new world with no idea! she was in a whole nother house! and its not her fucking job to fix him! he joined th #hate group HE KNEW HATED HER! if he truly loved her he wouldn't have joined. but but but its not that- ADROMADA TONKS could be a Slytherin #and not be a Death Eater and her family was pure blood. she could do it! so could Snape. #severus snape #lily potter #snapes worst memory #the marauders #harry potter #the deathly hallows #lily evans #put some more respected on her name. #fuck jkr #james potter #slytherin #how can you be a snape stan and not like lily that 80% of his personality. #snape

[frogs-in3-hills]

yall were right hxh 1999 is even better than 2011

#it moves at a slower pace but like not in a Bad Shounen way #in a tone and character building way #that added arc in the hunter exam where they have to escape the island before the storm kills them?? brilliant #it feels like it should be filler but it’s actually so big for kurapika and so many other minor characters?! and ponzu/pokkle cuteness?!! #also yeah kurapika and leorio feel so much gayer ngl. i can’t even point to any specific changes i just know it #gon…… gon my friend gon…… he’s one of my favorite characters ever honestly #rewatching hunter exam with the hindsight of having seen chimera ant arc is. crazy. #so many seeds planted of neuroticisms and obsessions and flaws for gon #it’s crazy that the manga was only on yorknew with this show started because the foreshadowing is fucking crazy #like i remember being like ‘okay but there is something actually wrong with this child’ on my first watch but like. holy shit. #also hisoka’s nen being described as like.. pure unadulterated bloodlust. because they have no explaination for it otherwise #and just in general his presentation oh my god… literally gave me chills i fucking hate him !!!!!!!! (lying unfortunately) #but yeah. crazy how truly offputting and unhinged gon comes across as from the very beginning everything makes sense #like i already Knew That but like on a rewatch it’s mindblowing really what an incredible character he is #sully is typing #hxh

[milflewis]

.

#in a strange place today and i need to put this somewhere. i do not have a journal yet. this is it #my grandad was diagnosed with dementia years ago and the grandad i have now is often unrecognisable from the one i grew up with #and while this like isn’t fun and it is strange for him to look at me and not know me more times than he does. it has also been kind of l #lovely? #bc he thinks my granny is still alive so whenever i get to go see him i get to pretend she is too. and she is for a minute. and tho i am #glad she went before him. it is nice to say oh i’m popping in to see her after this grandad and talk about her like she’s hasn’t been gone #since i’ve been ten. my dad has spoken more to him in the last five years than he has his whole life #he was not an easy man. he was loud and friendly and hard working and funny and scary but not easy. in ways he is even #harder now. in others he is easier. #he is more of a child. this is what dementia can do to a brain. we are learning things about his childhood that no one alive has ever spoken #about. that no one knew. my dad doesn’t love him more now but he understands him better #my grandad taught me how to drive a tractor and how to fish through my dad and he has not recognised me in over a year and he #hasn’t walked since he broke his pelvis seven years ago and his muscles are nearly all gone. he is a fraction of the size he used to be. his #personality and body took up my childhood like adults on the screen in cartoons. he hasn’t dressed himself in a decade. he told one of the #nurses that after dinner he wanted ice cream plain like herself and nearly peed when she laughed and told him to fuck off #he is in there. he is himself. i know him. but he isn’t. he doesn’t know me but he allows me to tell him how to ppl he knows are doing. he #still somehow trusts me. we talk a lot about my granny and how she stayed up watching tv again last night so she’s tired today. don’t stay #long when you call in to see her? #whenever we would journey to see him and my granny and get in v late he’d ask us if we wanted apple tart and my granny would say michael. #not ur kids. u can’t parent them. he didn’t know my name yesterday but he asked me if i wanted apple tart #i hope he dies soon. for all that i will miss this. miss my dad having this. he would not want to live like this. it wouldntbe living to him

[lotus-pear]

girlboss/malewife duo, hydro edition😤💧

#i come in every few weeks and drop a banger post that sets the bar too high for my next piece and then disappear back into the abyss #kokomi and childe are like my favorite rarepair ever like their personalities are just made for each other lmao #you can take that in a platonic or romantic sense but it's impossible for them to not get along if they ever met #kokomi and childe aren't besties in canon because god knew they'd be too powerful together #like they're both war machines with immense analytical capabilities and tactics that can either be your greatest ally or formidable enemy #also they both have blue eyes and the same 'v' shaped gloves and literally the prettiest aesthetics and will 100% steal your man/girl #also they're enemies of their respective archons during the main quest #but above all: both can't crit💀💀 #my friend said that if she were to ship any two characters in the element families she'd chose kokomi and chiode for hydro #i said xingqiu because chilumi and also they both love books and canonically adore each others company #irodori festival was so sweet i wonder if they'll rerun the event one day #anyway that's not important #genshin impact #genshin impact kokomi #sangonomiya kokomi #genshin impact childe #childe genshin impact #lotus draws

[hella1975]

sometimes i think about the fact my grandparents literally overnight just cut us off and im like. how did u even do that. does it torment you

#eeaao's 'how did you let me go so easily' moment. like i dont let myself even THINK about this too often #bc i immediately beat myself back with the 'if it's hard for you then imagine how hard it is for mum. her PARENTS cut her off' #but like. idk. my nan i couldn't give less of a shit about which is something i always find so interesting #bc even as a child with NO basis for it or any understanding of her behaviour both past and present i still wasn't Comfortable around her #like children are smart actually. i just Knew her vibes were off and i Knew my mum was weird when she was around #like i truly dont think i ever loved my nan even when she was a very frequent part of my life #but my grandad? i ADORED him. id see him multiple times a week and he's the kindest man ive ever met #and hannah what i told you about my mum saying certain people have magnetic auras THAT WAS ABOUT HIM #like i cant actually put into words what it was about him but people just wanted to know him and spend time with him #but he was weak and let my nan walk all over him and when push came to shove he chose her and now ive not spoken to him in 3 years #& i KNOW he loved me. he thought the world of me like it's a bitter unspoken thing between me & my sister that we KNOW i was his favourite #he used to buy me egg butties at agricultural shows when my mum said no and specifically ask for two eggs #he used to sit and eat his soup with me when he came over to do work at the house #he used to play with me. he used to smile all the time. i can so clearly hear the way he'd go ''iya [my name]' with his proper rural accent #or how he'd tell anyone who would listen 'she's tough as old boots that one' #and i could make him laugh like NO ONE else could and he'd light up and go 'give over' and he genuinely enjoyed my company #i KNOW HE DID. and i havent spoken to him in 3 years. he'll be dead soon #and i cant talk to my mum about it bc it's her DAD it is so much worse for her and i cant talk to my sister about it #bc she wasn't close with him like i was and she just shuts the conversation down and those are the only two people #who know my grandad and know what he meant to me so im just here like. he literally stopped speaking to me overnight #i stopped hearing from him i stopped meeting up with him im so so angry with him the love is still there i dont know where to put it now #why couldnt he stay. why did he pick her when she's a loveless void of inhumanity. why werent we enough #hella goes home #my grandparents on my dad's side are also not in the picture funnily enough but idgaf about them. she got that grandparentless swag

[fleshdyke]

hchkvgjvfj

#csa warning for tags #goddd being raped at 6ish and brutally bullied is a hell of a combination #i was the one kid in not only my grade but multiple above and below me as well that the boys would dare each other to 'ask out' #absolutely CONSTANTLY. like jesus #by the time i was raped i'd already been bullied pretty badly for a while. including being constantly told i was ugly by all the boys #which is like. a huge reason i was raped in the first place. i still dont know who it was but i can only assume he took advantage of me #being constantly bullied to abuse me. as child rapists so often do #but like i was always the one that would be 'asked out' as a dare bc why would any of them want to talk to me #it was so inconceivable that any of them could want to be near me let alone 'go out' with me. they didn't even bother trying to hide the way #they laughed. like they didn't try to hide it bc they knew no one would do anything #and this happening to me fucking constantly for years on end throughout my ENTIRE childhood. that fucks with you man #like i dont think its even possible for anyone to like being around me at all. let alone find me attractive #there's still never been a single person who's had a crush on me or whatever #like all my friends have stories about annoying boys having crushes on them when they were younger. and what does it say about me that im #the complete opposite. and like it's so stupid because who fucking cares what 10 year old boys thought in 2016 but it really really fucks #you up bad man. like if anyone ever does come to be attracted to me for whatever reason i dont think im ever going to be able to believe it #i'm always going to be waiting for the joke to end and them to start laughing. i'll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop #and the worst part of it all is that i fucking want to be raped again #being raped as a little kid is the only time anyone has ever wanted me. it's the only time i've ever been desired. and i dont even like sex #but it's just the only time anyone has ever loved me in a non parental way #like i have one crush story to all my friends'. and it was a grown man that raped me when i was little #and i want to be raped again so fucking badly not because i would enjoy it but because it would prove that someone actually fucking wants me #i want to be sexually harassed and not in the way i usually am. i want to be catcalled and have to be scared walking around alone #i want men to grope me and say disgusting things and rape me because then i would finally be fucking wanted #it would prove that i'm actually likeable in some capacity. that i still am #im so scared that now that im grown im just a lost cause. because i was only desirable when i was little. now im just nothing #and i know i shouldnt even care but its so fucking hard to shake. i just want someone to love me #and i love my mom so much but i want them to love me because they want to and not because they have to #rambles #vent

[pttucker]

The first one to react was Han Myungoh. "Hmm, hmm. So that's what happened. I think I understand everything." …But, that's plainly not possible? Everyone was now looking at him. So, Han Myungoh added one more thing. "It seems to me that you actually enjoy dying or getting kidnapped."

adlfkdjfsldfkdjs

WHERE IS THE LIE, DOKJA? HUH? WHERE IS THE LIE???

It's 454 chapters in and I think this may very well be the first time Dokja has actually sat down with his companions (any companion) and properly explained something (anything!) to them, aside from completely random one-on-one conversations with various people here and there where he barely eked out the smallest bit of information.

The closest he's probably come to being this informative and honest is when he's had his big blowouts with Joonghyuk or when he was scheming with Sooyoung...who already had most of the information herself.

#honestly I think the one and only time we got to see dokja just throw everything out there without a care is back in the theater dungeon #where he just started screaming about random yjh life facts because he didn't know how else to wake him up #and I think he's regretted letting so much go in his panic and ever since has been much more careful about it #lmfao I love jihye once again saying that dokja is a terrible actor and that she absolutely knew it was him immediately #and yjh just GLARING at sp while wrapped up like a scary angry mummy #...meanwhile gpd is like 'who's kid is this?' while basically saying he looks like yjh and that hmo was able to have a child as a man... #I'm honestly shocked he didn't ask dokja if he got railed by yjh and popped out a magic kid #orv #orv spoilers #orv liveblog #omniscient reader's viewpoint #orv novel chapter 454 #kdj #kdj crew

[seventh-district]

.

#it is 5 hrs past my bedtime and i am awake listening to Two Hearts by Dermot Kennedy on loop and crying over Rotating Shifts. again. #i couldn’t resist the urge to read the latest chapter any longer but i knew when i did i’d get like this #so Why did i wait for my period to roll around. i have made. a silly decision lmaooo #i’ve complained abt it before but i’m conflicted about how much more sensitive it makes me #my nightmares usually don’t make me cry but oh i was a Wreck this morning #so why i picked tonight to read the fic that always makes me cry is beyond me #i have never met a fic before that had me in such an intense emotional grip #and it’s fucking hilarious bc it’s not that intense of a story!! like yeah there’s been devastating parts but i’m out here having to- #-take a break every single chapter bc i’ll read one line that hits my inner child like a truck and i have to take a minute to recover #but the whiplash this fic gives me is so fucking funny and the range in the storytelling from comedy to tragedy is just.. *scream-cries* #it has my favorite characterization of Sun and Moon that i have ever seen #this chapter wasn’t even that sad i’m just Making myself sad about it #but on another level it also makes me sad in the sense that i don’t think i’ll ever be able to write something that good.. #all that i want out of my writing endeavors is to make one (1) person feel as strongly and as much as RS makes me feel #and i don’t know if i can do that. i don’t know if my writing has what it takes bc i can’t even describe exactly what it is #i don’t think it’s a science that can be replicated. things either connect with someone or they don’t #the way Sun goes from worryingly innocent ‘wdym we can’t invite strangers to live with us?’ ‘wdym we can’t adopt an adult that needs help?’ #to fucking. tearing an animatronic in half in a fit of protective rage and blocking access to all dating apps to prevent you from- #-finding anyone else bc he’s your Special Friend and he can’t have his Daydream falling for anyone else!! no no!! #it’s not a new concept but i eat it tf up when Sun is actually the one you should fear the most #like no i don’t think he’d hurt Reader but i dread to think of the things he would do For them #the back and forth between childlike innocence and terrifying intelligence possessiveness and physical capability is just mmmmm 100/10 #and don’t even get me started on Moon. or i Will start crying again #he’s ​like yeah dumbass of course i’m gonna save you every time some POS man tries to **** you. of course i will you fucking crater-head #but i will complain at you about it the Entire way home and then i will steal your fucking toilet paper and pack you a raw egg for lunch #because i hate you 🖤 but Sun loves you and we would both kill for you 🖤 also i drank all of your chocolate milk 🖤 also i hate you :) #anyways i am paraphrasing obviously and dear god i hope no one who actually reads RS sees this bc i do not want my 2am ramblings taken as- #-any kind of Official Thoughtful Analysis of the story ok pls pls pls let me be insane abt my favorite fic without having to be articulate #i just have so many fucking FEELINGS about them. i am unwell. #i’m not even tagging this i’m just hitting post and going to sleep goodnight

[theresistanceneverquits]

I think everything you need to know about me can be explained by the fact that in kindergarten when we were given mostly free reigns to do what we wanted at different stations, my go-to was always to draw pictures of Star Wars characters in the allotted box and then write a biography of said character in the lines underneath.

#personal #nerd #neurodivergent #I remember doing one for Mara Luke Han and Leia #utilizing the Expanded Universe continuations of the stories #I also did it with a few marvel characters #ever since I was a child #I always knew I wanted to be a walking Wikipedia