#i was also p awkward at like.. literally every place ive been to but yknow what

[4baeksoo]

okay

#i already talked today but i was thinking about another thing #i have been giving into all my food cravings but #ive been going to places where you have to walk in and make the order and everything #which i dont really do #and it's weird how #hyper aware of how socially inept i can be LOL like #i got froyo and though it was very easy to do that bc all i had to do was make it and then check out but #the cashier was the only person there and the girl seemed either my age or maybe in college or something but i was awkward as shit LOL #the other day i wanted to go out and get food while running an errand and #i went in without having looked up the menu (i always look up the menu) and #i didnt know what i wanted and spent like 2 minutes staring at the menu then #i was also p awkward at like.. literally every place ive been to but yknow what #the fact that im going? thats growth :( #when im depressed i usually never want to leave my room and i dont so im trying to take advantage and #do all the people things before i burn out #and hopefully the more i do it the longer i can stay out #i could kind of do this at uni but it was bc i built it up over 4 yrs and there were plenty of places i wanted to go but was too nervous to #go to bc i didnt want to go inside without knowing anything jfldjs #my ultimate goal for these next few months is to actually eat and stay at a place i get something from without rushing #i got ice cream once back in uni alone and i just sat there eating it bc i felt like it would melt bc i didnt live close enough #and i was eating fast bc i felt awkward w the employees just chatting nearby jfjflk

[lookwhatilost]

lmao Christ I found the peach post abt my first date w andrew and it’s such a doozy

why did I even keep talking to him after this

this is long as fuck and also super nsfw but my fucking GODDD is it a ride

okay so I met andrew when he was bartending at social still a while back. hes p much worked in every bar in downtown Bethlehem – like, the tapas bar where I used to go w ian all the time, “nothing good ever happens at” rippers, he used to barback alongside w jus at steelgaarden, slung margaritas at urbano, and plied me w spiked shamrock shakes at mccarthys – so we’ve run into one another multiple times as he’s bounced around the north side. I made a joke once abt how he spawns in every bar and he thought it was funny

so he randomly asks me on a date over messenger and i accept. like, I’m still in contact w Justin but whatever undiagnosed mental illness he has is becoming more apparent and distressing w each passing day and it’s becoming more obvious that he intends to do nothing abt it. so I’m not rly sure abt what to do w that and those feelings and everything but it’s definitely time to start exploring other avenues even if it’s jst for the sake of palette cleansing.

he wants to go see this all female performative of waiting for godot at the community college and I think that sounds cool. it’s creative, it’s different, we can go out after it. I get home a little early and tell him we can hang out my place for a little beforehand and get the “getting to know u better” awkward talk out of the way before we go over. and he’s obviously very nervous but he’s sweet, yknow

we go over to the community college and the play is weird and long. the intermission is at 9 and we leave during that bc we dnt wanna be stuck there until almost midnight. so we go to TR (while tommy is working bc I’m Bitch) and chat and drink and we’re hitting it off very well. he’s cool! he’s smart! he’s funny! he’s weird as hell but in a good way! it’s not jus lvl Fireworks but I’m happy and I’m distracted. We hop to stoke and stick around until last call and grab a 6 pack to take back to my apartment

I literally never do shit like this but I have no problem w him coming over there and sleeping over bc, hey, I’m Definitely Going To Have A Second Date W Him. it rly seemed like this could’ve gone somewhere. so I thought

and what follows is nsfw bc I cant stress enough that this is basically my version of cat person

like listen. intimacy w justin was very hit or miss in terms of him being too rough or something awkward happening outside of that. and it was disappointing sometimes but it was something I could overlook bc it was someone I was fucking over the moon for. and those awkward moments were basically my benchmark for what bad sex looked like

I dnt think ive ever been more incorrect abt anything in my life

this guy is jst. the absolute worst. like first of all I take his shirt off and he has fucking dermal piercings on his hips and I’m immediately rly turned off by it but it’s like. ok. if I can overlook the stupid “please kill me” bullseye on justins chest I can overlook this. but he’s jst. so. so. LOUD. he won’t stop moaning like some girl in a porno. and dirty talk. so much. i HATE that shit so much it’s so stupid. like SHUT UP. i wanted to get a scarf out of my closet and gag him not even bc I was trying to be kinky or whatever like I jst wanted the fucking NOISE to end

he won’t stop yanking at my hair which i also hate. and he’s saying weird shit abt how he wants me to dominate him (literally went into my nightstand, took out my vibrator and told me to use it on him and I was like BITCH NO THIS IS SO WEIRD) and jst. I’m in this situation and actively hating every minute of this but I feel like it’s gone too far for me to back out.

but this jst keeps going. for literal hours and I’m so fucking tired at this point but he’s jst. not finishing or anything. i dnt even know how. so I’m basically jst going along w it waiting for it to fucking end and in the middle of this shitshow he blurts out “i love you” which was such a... bad moment for obvious rzns but that’s the only time someone has ever said that to me out loud. and I was like “shhh dnt say that” and he repeated it and jst kept repeating it throughout the hellish course of the night. and I’m jst sitting here wondering how this went from amazing date to the honest to god worst mistake of my life. thinking abt why I’m so concerned w being nice to this guy and not hurting his feelings when I’m jst in literal hell

it’s finally fucking over and I fall asleep. my alarm wakes me up at 7:30 bc I have to work but he’s not in my bed anymore and I hear someone fussing in the kitchen & what I think is a cork popping but I dnt rly know. and he comes back into my room and says that he went to do me a favor and cleaned my kitchen up a little. but the place is messier than it was last night which is?¿

at this point evan comes out of his bedroom and complains to us abt the horrible day he had at work and Andrew says to him “you sound like you could use a drink!” But ev recoils bc it’s so early and he asks Andrew if he’s drunk & leaves to run errands. his reaction was a nervous “no” but he mixes something anyway and he’s like “this is for you babe” and it’s like. disgusting. it’s gin, razzmatazz, triple sec, rumchata, and coconut water. stronger than rocket fuel and not at all pleasant tasting. I reject the nasty cocktail and he slams it down. I tell him I have to work and he needs to leave. But he’s like “I wanna keep hanging out!” And he will jst. Not leave.

he makes another drink for himself and I see the gin is empty which is weird bc it was half full? and then it clicked that he was probably in my kitchen drinking all my gin while I was asleep. and it’s Hendricks. It’s expensive as hell and it’s also almost 90 proof. so he’s wasted to the point of delirium and I have to call into work to babysit him until he’s sober enough to go home

so I’m waiting for him to sober up and he keeps trying to initiate more sex and I keep rebuffing it and he takes his pants off anyway and jst. passes out w his entire naked ass out on the couch

so im jst sitting there for a little while questioning my life choices when ev comes back around 2:45 and is like. what in the fuck is going on and I tell him that Andrew decided to get morning drunk and things got weird. and he’s like “there is a half naked man on the couch and I’m going to do something abt it if you’re not” so ev yells “are your pants off?” and wakes him up and i tell him that I need to start my day and it’s probably time for him to go. he refuses, say he wants to hand out more. evan gets our swifter out of the closet and starts jabbing him w it, saying “GET OUT” so he finally does

he came over at 5. he left at 3 the nxt afternoon. he left his underwear on my coffee table and his flannel in my room (which I am stealing, not the underwear tho) and the second he left ev sprayed our couch down w Lysol and was jst losing his shit laughing at me

but all and all. turns out you can have a tinder horror story without tinder as well! who’d have known!