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#i was going to post this for mdzsnet xxc birthday event but it ended up being more about xue yang
spaceskam · 3 years
Text
pollute my body
Summary: Xue Yang learns what Xiao Xingchen likes and, through that, learns some things about himself.
Word Count: ~3k
Warnings: explicit sexual content, mild blood, biting, xue yang’s violent thoughts
ao3
In every way, Xue Yang could honestly say there was no one like Xiao Xingchen.
The man was irritatingly kind, blindly giving, foolishly trusting. It was almost too easy. No, it was too easy. It was too easy to make him smile, to make him laugh, to make him feel safe enough to kiss Xue Yang after a night hunt without knowing his damn name. It would’ve been funny if it wasn’t so fucking infuriating.
Xiao Xingchen, in all of his stupidity, didn’t stop smiling as he pulled Xue Yang along and into the small room he slept in. There was no bed, nothing but a mat on the floor. It was difficult for Xue Yang as he kissed him to not just gut him right then. As Xiao Xingchen’s nimble fingers touched his jaw, as his tongue parted his lips, as he led every action because Xue Yang had never done anything like this in his life and he knew it but he didn’t mind‒Xue Yang wanted to destroy him.
“Don’t,” Xue Yang said as those hands went to where his robes were held together with all intent to remove them. He grabbed Xiao Xingchen’s wrists to stop him and got what could only be described as a shy smile in response.
“Sorry,” he said, voice soft, “I won’t.”
“Won’t what?” he asked. Why the fuck was he asking?
“Touch you,” Xiao Xingchen offered, “If that isn’t what you want. I’m sure there are many cultivators who aren’t fond of it, especially when there was a war that scarred thousands.”
Xue Yang stared at him, his hands still gripping his wrists, and considered what it would feel like to snap them. Would that stop that growing feeling in his stomach, the one that felt like it was going to choke him from the inside if he didn’t do something? He hated that feeling. It always went away when someone else got hurt.
“But you do want to be touched, Daozhang?” Xue Yang said, “How impure of you.”
Xiao Xingchen had the audacity to turn a shade of red at that, looking to the side as if he still had eyes to avert. Xue Yang felt his jaw clench tighter as his grip on Xiao Xingchen’s wrist did the same. He didn’t say it hurt as much as he moved a bit closer, finally looking back at Xue Yang.
“Perhaps,” he said, warm and low, “I won’t touch you beneath your robes, but you are welcome to touch beneath mine. If you so wish. If not, I can take care of it myself.”
Take care of it myself.
And why was that more infuriating than everything leading up to it?
Xue Yang didn’t have any words to say to him other than calling him impure or selfish or something that maybe he could come up with if he had more time, but that feeling in his stomach hadn’t faded and he needed to do something. Something before he exploded and did something to himself when he should be doing something to others. They deserved it.
He released Xiao Xingchen’s hands in favor of grabbing his hips with the same amount of pressure. Xue Yang kissed him again as he kept a hold on his hips, pushing into him so far that his back arched. That tight feeling in his stomach nearly suffocated him as the man laughed. Laughed, for fuck’s sake.
“Did I say a fucking joke?” Xue Yang asked. Maybe he’d never kissed before, but it surely wasn’t a laughable offense. Gods, if Xiao Xingchen knew who he was, he wouldn’t be laughing at him as if he was‒
“No, no, that feels nice. I’m happy,” Xiao Xingchen told him‒quiet as if it would stop if he said it too loudly. Xue Yang stared at him. Happy.
There were an infinite amount of things Xue Yang could say to that, an infinite amount of ways to take that happiness and burn it. Imagine it, Daozhang, your greatest enemy making you happy. But he didn’t do any of it. It would be sweeter if he waited until after, wouldn’t it?
“Can I touch you here?” Xiao Xingchen asked, reaching up to touch his jaw once more. Xue Yang grabbed his waistband and all but tore it off, throwing it to the ground as an answer. “So yes?”
Xiao Xingchen was a pillar of righteousness and self-sacrificing to a fault. It was disgusting. And that made it all the more frustrating when Xue Yang pushed him against the wall and he smiled. Xue Yang thought about pushing harder, about pressing and pressing until the wall cracked and accepted this body as a new part of the structure.
He didn’t.
Xue Yang’s lack of experience in this had nothing to do with lack of opportunity. People had been interested and he had always been more interested in threatening them. Kissing and touching had always seemed tedious and boring, but it being Xiao Xingchen made it worth it. If he knew who he was allowing to do this to him, he’d hate it. It would make it so much better when he found out.
His hands pushed away the top layer of Xiao Xingchen’s robes, leaving him in nothing but a similarly pristine white shirt and pants. He dipped into the overlap of the shirt, his fingers grazing his chest. That feeling in Xue Yang’s stomach twisted impossibly and he let out a tense breath of frustration.
“My friend,” Xiao Xingchen said, catching his breath as he pulled away, “Come.”
It was surprisingly easy for Xiao Xingchen to move from the wall‒hadn’t Xue Yang been putting more pressure than that? He took his hand and led him to the mat in the middle of the room. Xiao Xingchen was too aware of his surroundings and too obscene looking in nothing but a loose shirt and pants for Xue Yang to make sense of it. That need to break him still hadn’t faded, even as he sat on the mat and ushered Xue Yang to sit with him. They sat cross-legged, knees touching.
“So, what are you trying to make me do?” Xue Yang asked. Xiao Xingchen smiled politely.
“I don’t want to make you do anything,” he said. Xue Yang’s eyes followed his hands as he moved his hair off his shoulders and then carefully reached up to remove his hairpiece. His hair fell in a genuinely unrealistic fashion. Then he moved to brush his shirt off his shoulder, exposing a wide expanse of flawless skin. How was he so flawless? Where were his scars? “But I would like it if you kissed me here.”
Xue Yang’s nails dug into his knees beneath his robes as he stared at his skin. So he was being invited to make it less flawless. Never had he been asked to do that. Well, he’d definitely been asked to do destruction, but never like this.
Xiao Xingchen’s hand slid to the back of his head as Xue Yang leaned forward to kiss him where he asked. The knot of tension Xue Yang's stomach got impossibly tight which made him feel unnecessarily frustrated and angry. He didn't know why. Xiao Xingchen was bent to his will, completely ignorant of what he was welcoming Xue Yang to do to him.
Then again, maybe that's what pissed him off.
But that anger overwhelmed him and he had only a handful of ways to get it out. Instinct overrode him and he sunk his teeth into Xiao Xingchen's shoulder, hard enough that he felt the small pop of punctured skin. His stomach got a little less tense, but Xiao Xingchen didn't even flinch.
"My friend," he said softly. Not out of fear or pain or even pleasure, it was simply a way to get his attention. His voice was warm and familiar and he wasn't angry. The tension that Xue Yang just got rid of came back in full force.
"What?" Xue Yang asked, snapping just a little bit. Xiao Xingchen's hand, that stupidly agile and nimble hand that had no business being on a cultivator, dragged up Xue Yang's arm slowly. It crossed over his shoulder and went to his chin.
One hand on the back of his head, one hand on his chin. It was too much contact. Xue Yang again thought about snapping his wrist, but the hand on the back of his head dropped before he could. It was almost too much to consider that maybe he could tell he didn’t like that.
Xiao Xingchen tilted his head just a bit to the side nonetheless and leaned forward. Xue Yang focused on the blood that he'd drawn on his shoulder as Xiao Xingchen kissed his neck softly. Then his teeth grazed his skin with a little bit of pressure, but not nearly the way Xue Yang had done it. Yet, somehow, it was much more of a mindfuck. His eyes slipped closed as Xiao Xingchen's warm tongue pressed against Xue Yang's neck, soothing away pain that'd never come. He felt like he was going to choke.
"Like that, please," Xiao Xingchen requested.
"What, you don't like it rough?" Xue Yang asked, trying to keep firmly in control. Xiao Xingchen gave that little smile though and moved until they were nose to nose.
“Not quite,” he said. Xue Yang rolled his shoulders back and let his eyes go back to the blood on his shoulder. He hadn’t even flinched. Where was the satisfaction in any of this? “But I can show you how I like it.”
“Aren’t you meant to disregard your own desires and needs for everyone else’s?” Xue Yang asked, his tone not nearly as venomous as he intended, “Is that not a part of your cultivation methods, Daozhang? Purity and selflessness?”
Xiao Xingchen took a deep breath and his thumb moved from Xue Yang’s chin to his bottom lip. His other hand stayed firmly in his lap, politely not touching Xue Yang more than he was okay with. How fucking cute.
“My friend,” Xiao Xingchen said again, “May I be selfish with you?”
“What?”
Xiao Xingchen adjusted himself so he was kneeling and he tilted his head, kissing him on his lips with his thumb remaining a barrier. Xue Yang dug his nails into his knees even tighter.
“You’re right,” he said quietly, “But there are always things that one would like to be selfish with. And I would like to be selfish with you.”
“What the fuck would that mean?” Xue Yang asked. His own voice was quieter than normal, less bite, a little dizzy at the grounding feeling of pressure on his bottom lip.
“It would mean,” Xiao Xingchen said slowly, his thumb moving just enough to graze over his lips entirely, “I want to feel these again when they’re swollen.”
Xue Yang grabbed his wrist and pulled away, surging up to kiss him again. Xiao Xingchen smiled and, when Xue Yang moved his hands to his knees to push him onto his back, he laughed. He moved down to his neck, dragging his teeth along the way until he got the bite mark on his shoulder. Xue Yang’s tongue cleaned the blood off his skin and Xiao Xingchen let out a shaky breath.
The taste on his tongue was something that made sense, something that let that feeling in his gut know he wasn’t going to die if he didn’t kill him. He could wait. He could. He had the self-control for that.
With self-control on one hand, it meant exploration on the other. Xue Yang didn’t like being touched in the way Xiao Xingchen very clearly did and that was something he wasn’t quite sure how to approach. He kissed his neck and again let his hand slide beneath fabric onto smooth skin. A bite to his neck, a thumb grazing his nipple, a leg between his thighs.
Xiao Xingchen moaned.
Xue Yang had to pause for a moment at the sound, his head trying to rewire to the new noise. Experimentally, he moved his thigh up a bit more intentionally between his legs and got another noise like the first one. Xiao Xingchen’s thighs tightened around Xue Yang’s and his hand moved to the back of his neck. He chased that noise, grinding his thigh harder between his legs and his tongue gliding from his collarbone to his jaw.
“Please,” Xiao Xingchen said. Please.
Many times in his life Xue Yang had had people moaning and pleading at his hand. Begging for him to let them go, moaning as the life slipped out of them, groaning as his blade cut through them. There were all sounds that his body tied to that release of tension, to that feeling of actually doing something to fix all the wrongs done to him first.
Never had he heard it quite like this.
Hearing Xiao Xingchen pleads beneath him because he wanted him there was something new. Hearing him moan because he was doing something good was also very new. It was exhilarating in a way he’d never experienced in his life. Each sound tore at the tension in his gut, leaving him with nothing but a desire to hear more. Hearing him was more pleasurable than any sort of touching could ever be, Xue Yang decided.
Xue Yang moved down to get more of a reaction, his mouth replacing his hand and his hand replacing his leg. He’d torn open his shirt at this point which gave him access to kiss and suck and bite whenever he wanted, finding the most success when he grazed his teeth over his nipple.
When he cupped his hand over Xiao Xingchen’s cock over his pants, however, he got an even louder moan. Xue Yang had to lift his head for a moment, watching his head tilt back and his chest rise and fall as he touched him. He was completely unskilled and hadn’t even got his hands on his bare cock, and yet he still reacted this way. That felt like more control than he’d ever felt in his life.
Xue Yang moved down a bit more, eyes still cast up to watch him as he dipped his hand beneath the fabric and grabbed him. Xiao Xingchen’s head tilted back and his mouth parted wide, a strangled moan exiting him in a similar way to the people Xue Yang had actually strangled. It was mesmerizing.
He moved his hand slowly, watching and basking in each little whimper and needy noise he got. A sea of yes and please decorated the noises. For a moment Xue Yang wondered if it would be even better if he said his name amongst them.
When Xue Yang really looked down for the first time, he noticed Xiao Xingchen had pinned his other hand behind his back while the main one continued to hold the back of his neck beneath his hair. He stared at it for a moment too long. Was it there for a reason? To keep him from touching himself? To keep himself from touching Xue Yang?
He tightened his grip on Xiao Xingchen’s cock as he thought about what the answer might be, but his mind was cleared again when he responded with a loud gasp. He made so much noise. Xue Yang found it was the most anything had ever made sense in his life.
It took no effort to go back to kiss his lips as he kept moving his hand a bit faster and faster with each desperate noise, feeling his way around the proper way to do it by listening and the way his hand felt on his neck. There was another reward in feeling Xiao Xingchen desperately trying to kiss back and struggling to do so. Because he felt good. Interesting.
Even more interesting when Xiao Xingchen gripped the back of his neck tighter than before and his body went entirely too tense. Xue Yang pulled back just enough to see his eyebrows knit closer together and his jaw drop as he came, a low moan of pure release exiting him without shame. He breathed heavily as Xue Yang started to slow down.
There was an unusual calmness in Xue Yang as he pulled his hand out of his pants and inspected it. This was another new change to an old familiar feeling‒bodily fluids on his hand. Like he did when it was blood, he licked it clean.
“Like candy?” Xiao Xingchen asked, smirking. Xue Yang found himself smiling, riding the easy and quiet feeling in his mind. For the first time in as long as he could remember, he wasn’t two steps away from either ripping out someone’s stomach or ripping out his own.
“You wish,” he said. Xiao Xingchen shifted a bit and the hand that had been pinned beneath him carefully grazed Xue Yang’s arm.
“Did you want me to do the same for you?”
“No.”
Xiao Xingchen touched his cheek instead. “Aren’t you‒”
“No.”
“Oh.”
Xue Yang, for what it was worth, searched for any trace of judgment that he could lash out at and found none. He didn’t swat Xiao Xingchen’s hand away either despite both of them being on his skin. It felt less overwhelming this time.
“Well, are you alright?” Xiao Xingchen asked, his thumb pressing into Xue Yang’s bottom lip.
Admittedly, he was a little hard and he felt warm, but he had no interest in being touched that way. The noises Xiao Xingchen had made because of him were more than satisfactory.
“You shouldn’t worry about me, Daozhang,” Xue Yang told him, “If you knew what I’ve done in my life, you’d never ask those words.”
“Yes, I would,” Xiao Xingchen said. There was a pause as he pulled Xue Yang down for another kiss, adding another stretch of time onto how long his mind would be so hazy. “So are you alright?”
“What the fuck do you want me to say?” Xue Yang asked, “I just listened to all the sounds you made and you expect me to have something to complain about? I mean, the floor is hard as shit. And I’m definitely not washing your clothes. And I’m sure your precious A-Qing is going to show up and be annoying any moment now, so I’ll complain then. Will that satisfy you, Daozhang?”
Xiao Xingchen’s smile had slowly grown with each word he said until he was laughing softly. Clearly, he got his answer.
“Yes, I’m very satisfied,” he said, “Lay with me for a moment, will you?”
Xue Yang blinked twice before he slowly laid his head down. Xiao Xingchen never stopped touching him.
And maybe that was okay.
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