#i was i had been a better girlfriend i wish i wasnt mentally ill

[therealpontius]

Are you dunn yet? (Pt3) ~ hit me with your best shot

You wake up, your head pounding and crust at the side of your lips "oh shit" you hear coming out your mouth as you remember you have work at 1pm, it was 11am so you better get up. As you stood you felt your stomach churn and gargle like a beast, making you feel ill. The walk to the bathroom seemed miles away.

The time was 12:30 and you had to walk to steve-os apartment to get your car back, you left, ripped blue jeans and your trainspotting shirt on. The walk was shameful, still obviously ill, feeling like every eye that passed you was on you. You arrived outside steve-os to see him throwing up over his small balcony, he waves and smiles "morning steve-o!" You act like you hadnt just saw his sick fall "morning potato lady!"

Mötley crüe came on the radio and your fingers drummed on the wheel to the beat, reminding you of your childhood. Arriving at work you say and mentally prepared yourself, okay maybe it wasnt the worst job in the world but you where still hung over. "Kick start my heart hope it never stops" you sing quitely, walking into the back door to take over for your co-worker "max im here!" Your co-worker walked into the back "hey y/n!" You exchanged a quite hug "right as much as if love to stay i need to go, moms at the hospital"  "oh shit sorry to hear, see ya later buddy. Best wishes for your mom" with a nod max left and you walked to the bar.

Your regulars sat around, all old men but every one like a friend "hey guys!" They all turn and wave. The bar usually gets packed full at 2 so you started preparing, extra booze ready, more clean glasses than you will probably need and a ton of smoked peanuts under the desk

"Preparing for the war?" You look up hearing a younger voice, not the usual harsh been-smoker-since-nine voice. You look up with a smile to be met with ryan. Your smile dropped "oh hey" he raises his eyebrow "what? Expecting someone else?" "No, are you ordering?" He sighs at your obvious cheek "yeah just two miller lights" you nod, turning your back to pick them up "$3.86 please" he nods back and gives you the money, staying on the uncomfortable stool "so um, why you mad at me?" He cracket the can open and lifted it to his lips, maintaining eye-contact "mad? Im not mad?" You play dumb "cmon im not stupid, im not a bad guy so im not getting it" you sighed "you sure?" He nods "the bars going to get buisy soon so. Hit me with your best shot sweetheart" you rolled your eyes at him "you charmed me dunn" you lent on the bar, faces just inches apart. He smiled slyly "did i?" "So i spent two days trying to find you, i had to try get my number onto steve-os phone while he was shoving powder up his nose." Ryan made a sarcastic sour face "then when i meet you you are with this chick, acting like your girlfriend so i can only assume your a cheating fuck. Thats not it, when i showed you that you won on the ticket you gave me you took it but you didn't celebrate with me, you left with her with the money basically i won" he looked a little guilty "yeah maybe that was shit" he admitted "yeah maybe" you took your face away from him and stood back at the bar

"But maybe she wasnt my girl" you looked back up at him "yeah?" "Who knows potato lady"

"RY RY" you hear a high pitched screech behind him "theres your lady dunn" you walk away to the other end of the bar as lucy wrapped her arms around him, the look of annoyince on his face.

The time was 3pm and the bar was full with old men who had just came back from the golf, ryan and lucy still sat, laughing there heads off. No one had ordered in awhile so you sat back.

5pm rolled by and the pub settled, the regulars stayed and so did ryan and that bimbo with the god awful voice. Ryan made his way over to the bar "two millers and a vodka coke please" you nod and get him the drinks but he stays for awhile "you doing okay?" "Im fine ryan just tired and your girls voice is giving me a headache" he nods "same" "RY RY HURRY UP" she struts over, he heads back to the table "stay away from my man you slut" she whispers, leaving you speachless. You just wanted to punch her annoying face and humble her, oh fucking christ you would do it for free.

*RING*

You jump, breaking your violent trance

"hello?"

"Hey dude what you doing?" It was steve-o

"Just working"

"Where im bored"

You laugh "at the hazy pint spot, ryan and his girl are here, your welcome to come round, i can use some company"

"Say no more potato lady"

He hangs up and leaves you giggling, that names so stupid

30 minutes later steve-o and chris waltz in "hey potato lady!" Chris exclaims, running to the bar stool "my names y/n" he shrugged his shoulders "potato lady sounds better" steve-o sits down after him "hey dude!" Ryan walks over with lucy "hey idiots what you doing here?" "We are visiting y/n" chris said giving you a wink "your welcome to come sit with us if you want" he offers "that will be right, fuck off dunn let me see my friends" you say light heartedly and you all laugh "we will maybe see you later" steve-o added as ryan and lucy walked back to their booth.

"Boys youll never believe what lucy said" you whispered bringing them in closer, big grins on their faces "what?" Chris asks, getting exited "ryan was ordering drinks and she yelled for him to come back, when he did she came up to me and whispered in my ear 'stay away from my man you slut' " chris and steve-o burst out laughing causing the whole bar to look over "she did? Seriously?" Steve-o asked loud. you put your hand over his mouth "shhhh" you whisper, a grin on your face "NO Y/N" chris shouts before you feel a slobbery tongue lick your hand, you dry heave running for a sink "don't cover my mouth, i will lick it" steve-o said loudly so you could hear.

6 oclock was when your shift finished, amy came in, you two got along well. "Hey potato lady wanna drink?" You nod "why not" you sit at ryans booth with steve-o and chris and a pint of cider "so what is your life like? What do you get up to" steve-o asks "god this is embarrassing, I usually get up super early and like go shopping at like 9" they all look shocked "i could never" ryan adds "thats just strange" chris says and they all chime in agreeing. "Yeah i could never either im just always drinking and hanging out with the boys" lucy adds making everyone clearly cringe "tough listen" you laugh, steve-o and chris laugh along "you got beef?" Lucy squares up, you held back a laugh by how stupid she looked "no lucy, it was a clear joke" she sighed and stood up "see you later ryan, have fun with your side chick" she stormed off

"Y/n what the fuck?" Ryan sounded pissed "shes a bitch"steve-o says between fake coughs "y/n did you tell him what she said?" Chris asks, looking up from his beer. Ryans face dropped "what? What did she say?" You roll your eyes " she said 'stay away from my man you slut'" steve-o laughs "what? when?" "When she screamed at you to go back to the seats" ryan sits back and looks at you blankly "she wasnt shouting at me, shes just loud. I need that though, anyway i better go check on her"

You exchanged glances with the boys "she has him wrapped around her finger" steve-o broke the silence "yup hes a goner, bam told me they werent even dating" chris added making steve-o shocked "really? He must really like her then. hey y/n dont you like him?" you shrugged "yeah but you know, thats life. We had a chat before and he was being so smug" chris raised his eyebrow "thats unlike him"

You got home at 9pm.....

#jackass #chris pontius #wildboyz #bam margera #mtv jackass #viva la bam #steve o #cky #fanfic #ryan dunn #johnny knoxville #dickhouse #spotify

[xx-neon]

july 4th

hi again.

i was planning on writing more. the whole point of this was to get my feelings out everyday to cope but its been awhile.

again, if youre not me reading this. good luck.

so my ex broke up with me right? so much happened that i didnt know about. im tired of talking about it really since its been such a hot topic (my ex and i work together too and share a lot of the same friends) thats the cherry on top lol.

he has a new girlfriend. they started dating the day he left.

ouch.

another ouch? 

im her manager at work

looking at it now. this is all one giant hilarious cluster fuck LOL.

im not going to go into details of the messy stuff since its a dead horse at this point.

do i seem happier?

i actually tried killing myself. 

not because of him though. hes a loser with nothing going for him so that would be a waste. i did it because of all the emotions after what happened. i didnt have enough time to find somewhere to live. i couldnt bring my cat with me if i moved with my parents far away. i felt like the whole world was against me and i didnt do anything to deserve it. and it wasnt going to get better. i talked about being in a hole and trying to climb out in my last post. this hole extended 1000 ft in the ground and there was no sign of light. i had no sign of light in me. i didnt eat for a week. i drank everyday. i couldnt sleep. why me? what did i do wrong? is this my karma for being me?

so i really did it.

obviously it didnt work lol. im still here. i spent 6 days in the hospital. one in the ER and 5 in the BHU. i was diagnosed with an eating disorder, major depressive disorder and psychosis. i got help for my drinking too. whoo 

this sounds cringy. but i feel reborn. i didnt mention in my last post but i have BPD (boarderline personality disorder). ive been diagnosed for about 10 years. most of those spent unmedicated and out of therapy so i was really rawdogging life LOL. if you know anything about BPD its probably the worst thing to deal with. thankfully im self aware so i havent ruined my life but fuck man everyone else ruins it for me. 

im in extensive therapy. im on like what... 4 medications?? and i just feel like life is great. ewwww so cringe LOL. but seriously. it is. i dont think ive ever felt so normal in my life. my anxiety is gone. paranoia is gone. my head feels so light now im not bogged down. idk its just so nice. i smile at work now. i smile when i see my friends that i never knew i had. i just know how great life can be.

but then theres this.

schadenfreude

its a german word for basically feeling happy off of someone elses misery.

thats how i feel towards my ex

i know i know its fucked up. but what he did to me isnt?

i never said i was a good person LOL.

i love i just LOVE hearing about how miserable he looks and how happy i look. i revel in it. i cherish in it. i frolic in a field of flowers in it LOL.

okay. we get it. but seriously. i knew karma would come. thats why i learned to stay silent. yes i did lash out and have a mental breakdown wouldnt we all? but he lost friends over this. people think hes fucked up. that in itself makes me feel better. ya know schadenfreude. i do wish he could be a better person but i dont wish him the best. him feeling like this is good. he’ll learn from it. he’ll learn he cant always get away with being an asshole. karma will continue to come his way and she wont hold back. 

ill try to write more now that im happy. 

xx

[rockets-and-raccoons]

My mum knew when I was really young that I wasnt straight. Not that she consciously recognised it. I was the child she constantly told that love was love. I could love whoever I wanted and that was okay. I was the child that was constantly told by my parents that gays deserved rights and that they would always love me no matter what. I was the child they excitedly told when gay marriage finally became legal.

I grew up repressed with severe internalized homophobia issues. To the point where to this day I still severely struggle with it.

My grandad doesnt believe in gay rights. He thinks it's a phase. That these people are ill. The village I grew up in was very Christian. Being gay was wrong. It was disgusting. Gay people needed serious mental help (ironically half the people my age that grew up there have turned out to be part of the lgbtq+ community).

I went to high school in the neighbouring city. Where everyone around me talked about how disgusting being gay is. The fear of a gay person in the changing rooms was talking about constantly. Gay adoption and marriage was considered wrong. Liking people of the same sex was considered disgusting and uncomfortable.

I was terrified everytime I had to get changed for pe. I was terrified to just look at other girls. And it didnt help that the majority of my friends were boys. I didnt spend much time with girls. The one girl I was good friends with- was suddenly the source of rumours. Everyone at school knew before I did. Talked about if before I accepted it.

She's gay.

I denied it. I didn't believe I was for a second. Did everything I possibly could to prove I wasn't. And yet for my last 2 years at school everyone made jokes about my sexuality. Told me I was gay and in love with my friend. (Maybe I was. Maybe I wasn't. I refused to process my emotions properly back then.) They joked about how I was only straight until I was horny. That I was so obviously gay. But it was a joke. A mocking thing that made me feel so horrific that I did awful, horrific things to prove everyone wrong. Things I have to live with, that i hate myself for. Just becaus every time someone suggested I might be gay, all I could think of was 'it's so wrong.' 'Its disgusting' 'its cruel to children to be raised by gay parents' '1 in 5 people are gay, I sure as hell hope it's never going to be me' 'nobody wants to be gay, it's an illness.' 'I cant be around gay people, they make me uncomfortable' 'they'll stare at you in the changing rooms' 'they'll force themselves on you'

I still cant share a bed with another girl without being terrified. I cant be in the same room as another woman getting changed - I havent had to deal with PE in a decade. Havent heard those whispers in a decade.

Every time I become friends with another girl I'm terrified of what will happen when they find out I'm gay. I can't connect with them properly.

And sometimes. Sometimes I just truly hate myself. I hate the fact I find women attractive. That I'd rather spend the rest of my life with a woman rather than a man. Sometimes, often, I still find that disgust curling up in my stomach.

It doesnt matter that I dont live there anymore. That I now live somewhere so open and so easy to accept everyone and anyone. It doesnt matter that I've admitted it to myself, my family, and my friends. That I tell people so easily, I'm gay.

I'm still terrified of what would happen if people from my home found out. I still hear their conversations. Their mocking words. I still feel the effects of their homophobia. And sometimes I still wish I could pretend I was straight.

I was lucky to be born into such an open and accepting family. But by god, I wish I'd been brought up where I live now. I wish I didnt lie in bed hating myself so much at times. I wish I could be at peace with who I am. Rather than wishing I could go back in time and somehow change myself.

I remember telling my mum I was gay, and her not understanding why I was so distraught. Because 'you should know by now I love you no matter what' - and I didnt know how to tell her society, my friends, our community, were all going to despise me. Hate me. Tell me I told you so. I told my dad minutes after he said he wished his daughters were gay bc he hated dealing with the heterosexual drama and boyfriends. He couldn't understand why I was crying, because he wanted gay children. He had told me my whole life he would always love me no matter what. I was free to love whoever I wanted. And I didnt know how to tell him the world made me feel like I was disgusting and wrong and my existence was even worse than that of rapists.

And my grandpa, who I dont get on with, who doesnt really like me, who I was sure hated the gay community (and he has since admitted that if it was years prior he would have disowned me over sexuality) emailed me to tell me he was proud of me, that being gay wasnt wrong and he had been wrong about how he felt about the lgbtq+ community.

My grandad still thinks I'm going through a phase.

My best friend came out to me in tears, telling me he wished he had known we were both struggling, so we could have at least had each other.

When I finally told my other friends. There was no 'I told you so's' suddenly talking about sexuality wasnt a thing. It was a taboo topic nobody wanted to deal with. The girl everyone joked I was in love with, slowly disappeared from my life.

It's funny until it's true. And that's when you really realise the jokes were really, truly jokes. They didnt believe what they were saying. They just enjoyed the rise they got out of you.

And when I think about being a teenager. Despite the fact its ten years long. The only thing I can truly remember is the internal and external homophobia. Everything else feels hazy. The good times. The bad. It's all a fog that's over-taken by the self-loathing that I still carry.

I wish I could tell my teenage self that it gets better.

I wish my parents would believe me when I tell them I dont blame them for living where they did. We couldn't afford to move. They loved me, they love me, and that's what matters.

I wish I hadnt spent so long chanting 'I'm not gay' before bed. Because I knew from the age of 13, and spent the rest of my teen years in denial. Telling myself I was wrong.

But then I see my sister. My sister who is 10 years younger than me. Who had a big sister come out when she was just 8 years old (I came out at 18, yet spent a further 2 years trying to prove I wasnt. I came out too early. But I figured myself out. Accepted myself more, with the help of my family, and my best friend). She has grown up with more progressive media. Has moved to a more progressive place. Hell, her school has an lgbtq+ club. She has one (1) straight friend. She came out as bisexual at 12. But the older shes getting she thinks that her male crushes were caused by heteronormality and she thinks she might be gay. And shes open. Shes proud. Shes unapologetic in who and what she is.

I think about my self hatred. My self-loathing. About my internalised homophobia. I think of every night I spent lying in bed thinking 'One in five people is gay, it's not me. It won't be me. I'm not gay.' And I look at my little, wonderfully, unapologetically herself, little sister. And I think, that every struggle I've ever been through is worth it. If she gets to feel proud of herself because I've come out. Because my parents had to move bc of me. Because I've done everything I can to support her. To love her. To pretend to love myself for who I am in front of her.

Every day I struggle, I think to myself she doesnt have to. I'm one of the last millennials. She's gen z. And shes not my kid. But theres such a large age gap that I feel that generational difference. And I can't have children of my own. And suddenly, I find myself understand what my parents mean when they say that their suffering was worth it whenever they see us gain something out of it. Making things easier for someone you love, for someone so young, it makes it almost feel like it was worth it.

That trauma is going to stay with me. But my coming out too early, is what had my sister questioning her own sexuality. And it happened early enough in her life. She was questioning it before she hit her teens. She told me she knew she liked girls before she hit ten. But she wasnt too sure what that meant. And she wa worried because biphobia in our family is bad. But the we moved away. And she was watching adventure time and steven universe. And I was suddenly openly accepting myself and flirting with girls. And making jokes about my sexuality. And she came out. So young. So proud. And my parents were accepting of her bisexuality (albeit worried about how the rest of the family would react). And I did what I could to support her. Buying badges and flags and taking her to pride. And now shes come out as fully gay and I'm so happy and hoe safe she felt her journey has been. That at 15 she isnt scared to tell her friends (and they're not afraid to tell her). At 15 she might actually have a girlfriend. And shes been to pride. Goes to pride.

And I am so, so proud of her.

I would love to go back in time and tell myself that it's okay to accept who I am. But I cant.

But my sister grew up knowing it was okay to accept who she was. And my coming out helped my best friend accept who he was.

I didnt have any lgbtq+ friends growing up (that I knew about). There were no clubs. No tv shows. My only support was my mum and my dad.

My sister has a club. She has our family. Her friends. Her school (no awful changing room comments. No snide remarks) She has an open and accepting community. I feel so relieved that she'll (hopefully, pls universe, be kind to her) never have the same experiences I did.

#this is a shitty rant #i dont know where my head is tonight #i guess im just depressed #and wanting hugs #and its that stupid anniversary coming up #so i guess im hating myself a little more #my sister just recame out last week #so maybe that also is playing a part #im so proud of her #i love her #ignore #long post

[freebooter4ever]

my dad group texted my brother and i, highly unusual, and i think jordan was weirded out too cause his response was equally short and confused. on the list of things my little brother and i have never discussed, our dad’s relative interest or lack there of in our lives is pretty high. dad’s been messaging me since october, asking about stuff like where my next living plans are (which he has never done since i first moved out age eighteen), and i’ve only been vaguely responding to the point blank questions cause its just. so. weird. i think my grandpa’s death has shaken dad’s worldview a bit more than he’s been letting on.

he alienated my brother and i pretty much immediately after his secretive marriage to the bottle blonde rich bitch when i was 22. he kicked my brother out as soon as jordan turned 18, and when i discovered this by coming home one summer and seeing jordan wasnt in the house, i got so fucking mad that it was the first time i ever had a full out screaming match at my dad. and apparently this display of anger was when rich bitch decided she didn’t like me (probably valid, but also ironic because pretty much from birth it was known in my entire extended family that dad and i were almost identical personality wise, and both of us have tempers where we will not get mad at anything but frustration will build up and up until on the rare blue moon it boils over, and oh boy. watch out. those moments were the only times i was ever scared of my dad as a kid and i think it only happened twice in my entire life)(if she thinks im crazy when im angry, she should see my dad)

but i was crazy mad because while i was lucky enough to be put in therapy due to attempting to starve myself into non existence at age 13 (many many sessions of ‘family’ therapy with me in the center of a long couch silently trying to pretend i was invisible and my mom two feet away at one end and dad on the opposite end of the couch, and my mom doing all the talking, ranting and raving about how im starving myself to punish her. and then the therapist kicking both my parents out and trying to convince me to say a few words, and her finally getting me to realize that how my mom treated me was not normal and not something i needed to put up with if it made me sad and scared, and then the therapist realizing that i was still too sad and scared to confront it, and her and i coming up with a compromise where we would tell my mom that i was just ‘really attached’ to dad’s house and it wasnt that i was terrified of living with my mom or liked my dad better, it was that i just really liked living in one place instead of out of a suitcase and moving every week), and so had both the therapist and my dad supporting me when at fourteen i finally said enough was enough and demanded that my dad get full custody so i didnt have to spend every other week with my abusive mother anymore - while i got out of that situation, my brother didnt. i tried, he knew that it was my decision to live full time with dad and i made it clear he could do the same, but just as it was a given that i was identical to dad’s personality, my brother was identical to mom’s so i think he was more attached to her than i was. either way, he always refused and insisted on continuing to live between both of them. after i hit driving age, my dad transferred responsibility to me for shuttling my brother to and from my dad’s house to my mom’s apartment. dad’d lock himself in his room, or go to the gym, and i’d turn on an endless rotation of star wars movies for jordan and i to watch before i had to take him to his next week’s place (phantom menace was our favorite cause darth maul was just cool ok, dont judge).

anyway, the last day i ever stayed at my moms house, my brother was there. and i must have been twenty or twenty one because he would have only been around seventeen. but even at seventeen he was well over six foot five cause he got all the height in the family which was totally not fair but thats besides the point. so while i was there my mom flew into one of her alcohol induced rages, and took it all out on my brother. i had intellectually figured that all the anger my mom used to take out on me had then transferred to my brother once i stopped living there every other week, but up until that point i hadn’t actually seen it. she started shoving him, and punching him, and not enough so it would hurt much, because as i said he was well over six feet and she was barely five six, so he could pretty well block any thing she dished out. but he was cornered, and he looked scared. and i was hiding useless on the stairwell, crying, and begging mom to stop. and it only stopped cause jordan managed to slip out the front door and once he escaped mom went back into the kitchen, still yelling and angry. and i took the chance to grab my school bag and leave in solidarity. and my brother and i stood there awkwardly on the porch, me still crying, and him smoking and trying to look cool and not like he just got chased out of the apartment by a woman half his size. and i promised him we wouldnt go back until she calmed down, and that she was being unreasonable and he didnt deserve any of it, and id figure out somewhere to go. and we started walking down the sidewalk, but not together because we were never that close. he wandered off somewhere to smoke. and that’s as far as i remember.

this day came up in conversation with my grandma in the months after grandpa’s death, during one of our many three am can’t sleep conversations in grandma’s kitchen (grandma would wake up, i’d hear her get out of bed and wake up too. she’d make herself tea and eat some graham crackers and we’d sit together at the table feeling the third empty chair like an ache). grandma brought it up, because apparently, even though i cant remember this at all, i had my no/kia brick phone in my school bag (a minor miracle because i hated carrying around cell phones for the longest time), and i actually called grandma. and grandpa and her came to pick me up, and they found me sitting on a wall a block away from my mom’s apartment, and then we drove around till we found jordan, and then we all went back to my grandparent’s house. after bringing this up, grandma then, completely unprompted, told me something that child me thought about regularly - she said that even though her mom died when she was 8, leaving her to help raise her two younger siblings, grandma thought in some ways it was easier than what my brother and i went through with the divorce and my mom leaving. i used to regularly - not wish my mom dead, exactly - but wish i could pretend she was dead, rather than her just not being there anymore. especially since, when i was suddenly thrown into being her sole emotional and physical punching bag now that dad wasn’t filling the role anymore, a lot of the times being around her post divorce was not a good thing. (I cut off all contact with my mom finally at age 25 and haven’t looked back)

so yeah, i was fucking pissed that i had worked so hard to try to mitigate the damage i caused by leaving jordan alone with my mom for pretty much the entirety of my high school years...only to have my dad kick him out barely a few years after i left for college and thus putting my brother at my mom’s mercy. ostensibly my dad kicked my brother out because of his drug addictions, but my brother was the most mild mannered addict i’ve ever known. the worst thing he ever did was steal a couple hundred dollars from me, but he never got violent, he never got angry. other people got angry at him. my aunt once tried to fight him in a hospital elevator because he sold my cousin heroin or meth or some shit and my cousin ended up impaling a knife in his chest in front of my grandma, which is a whole nother story. but jordan was only nineteen when that happened. my cousin? thirty six. and a long time violent and angry drug addict with a record (he threw a book at his professor’s head and got kicked out of grad school while on cocaine once, which is how he ended up back in washington state and needing a new drug dealer - hence my brother suddenly getting involved) (same cousin later flew into a drug fueled rage in his forties and almost beat his girlfriend to death) (my brother was long since clean by then and had nothing to do with our cousin getting drugs at that point)

all this to say my dad’s rich bitch new wife didn’t think a drug addict and mentally ill artist fit into her picture perfect family, so dad started making it clear we were not welcome at family functions unless we complied with very strict rules. ironically, jordan was let back into the fold first partially because i can hold a grudge for a very long time and i was very very terrified of my mom and dad was the sane stable one and i had trusted him to take care of everything even without me there and dad had failed pretty spectacularly at that. im still bitter at my dad for his secret marriage and subsequent moving into her million dollar mansion and throwing my brother out. but also partially because jordan started following all of dad’s rules, got himself cleaned up (he moved in with his girlfriend, and i think being out of mom’s house had a lot to do with getting over his addictions), started studying computer science, found a really good software engineering job, suddenly dad approved of him. i also partially antagonized rich bitch wife by doing silly things like wearing black leather pants and the most provocative clothes i owned whenever i went over to their house. rich bitch was a very simple narrow minded person with a lot of prejudices. i imagine i was not seen as a good influence on her two younger daughters. and eventually they stopped seeing me altogether. even when i was living in washington for all of 2017 - the only time i ever saw dad was when he’d come visit my grandparents alone. the day before i took grandma on the train to move to ohio, we were supposed to all have dinner together at our family’s favorite place to eat out - crossroads mall - and the rich bitch refused to show up. that’s how petty she is. she also is so dumb she’s under the delusion that kids get into drugs if they don’t have dogs (????) so that’s why she forced my dad to get a dog for her spoiled brat youngest when the girl went into high school. my dad dislikes animals, so i will say one of the highlights of this marriage is seeing my dad become a dog person. the rich bitch and her daughters mostly ignore the dog, but my dad is so attached to max that he even lets the little puppy sit in his lap while driving. anyway, anyone who thinks dogs are the sole answer to preventing drug addictions can go to hell.

yeah, blah blah blah, to sum up its WEIRD for my dad to suddenly be texting my brother and i unprompted, and asking me about my life and my plans. i dont really know how to deal. i miss him. he was always the closest person in my life to the point where even when i moved away for college, i still assumed after i graduated i’d just move back in with dad so it was only four years being gone, cause why would i ever want to live anywhere else?. i kept thinking if i could hit some level of success that he would approve of, that maybe eventually i could become somebody his rich bitch wife would associate with. but that never happened, obviously. 

#journal shit #christmas is family time right????

[mariisauruslove]

Here's a tbh if you ever come across this

I think about you a lot, quite often actually. The feelings i shared are in fact real. I hate that i cant talk to you or that we dont talk, but i know its for the best.

What i posted in my snap does not pertain to you at all, mon chéri. You were an amazing thing i had, but because i respect you, i didnt want you to deal with the toxicity that i currently am. But also, im reflecting on my past relationships and i dont think you understand that. I would mold myself to what people wanted. I would make myself into something else just so i could be loved. I lost who i am for people. And now im finding myself. So yes, theres a lot to me that needs to grow.

Saying "So i dont know how to say this, but out of respect for you, i am. I have been trying to analyze my actions after my whole fiasco and i find that i need time to myself to improve. I need time to grow and process a better thinking. I also feel i need to focus on my education. Therefore, i do not want to waste your time. I think you're a great person, but i just need to work on myself. Thank you for everything, though."

Was in fact true. Im very naive, impulsive, and irrational. I have been spiraling out of control before you came along. You ask me to look in the mirror, and i have many many times. You can think about all the things im probably doing but honestly im not. I feel too much with you still. And you can question why I'd leave something as great as you behind. The answer is simple. I wasnt ready to recieve it. I wasnt ready because i have this incoherent mindset that does not work in my favor. I let people walk over me, i let things slide, for fucks sake, i was in an abusive relationship just over a year and a half ago. Like i need time to heal. I need time to grow. As much as i wanted you, i needed to focus on myself and I'm sorry it hurt. I knew it did. It hurts me too. It was really difficult for me, but i had to.

But at the same time, you dont tell me about you. Like i didnt understand why you wouldnt tell me your middle name. Like im not stupid. You dont just forget your middle name. Did you do something that you dont want me to know about? If so, just be upfront. Id rather you tell me than keep me in the dark. But also you wouldnt tell me where you grew up or your life. Like you dont just forget that. I moved around alot too but i remember every single city, school and place i lived. Ill admit, my roommate did help me see that this probably isnt safe. I told her about you and what you do. I told her about a concern i did have with you about you being in "a group" a long time ago, but even then what ensures my safety? What if they try finding you or finding a way to hurt you and they hurt me? I can't live in fear like that. If we were to have kids, what would ensure their safety?

Her father is in a gang so she understands that its not easy to get out of. She told me its not the kind of future i want. Even though you might be a changed man, your past haunts you. But even then, you belittle me before you can understand the whole story. You say remarks like "you must be new around here" and idk what else. I dont deserve to be belittled. Even if you were sick.

And then its not only that. I was seeing how i was willing to risk my sanity to help you find yours. I'm not a rehabilitation center and i shouldnt be one to fix you. You should be able to do that on your own. Go to therapy if you need it. I know you never asked for it, but thats what i mean. I shouldnt be this way. I shouldnt have this mentality. I've always been this mom kind of girlfriend and i shouldn't be. I need time to mature and change the way I am. I need to be okay on my own, completely happy with who i am and what i do before looking for the love of my life.

And i feel thats why God isn't putting him in my path yet. He knows i need time to mend myself and find my inner happiness.

But i wonder what made me cross paths with you. The reality is, i feel god wanted you to see that you are deserving of love and happiness. Why you pushed him away? You feel that you got the short end of the stick? Listen, god gives you everything at the right time. If its not now, you just wait. God has a plan and you need to trust him. God knows what he's doing. You will get what you deserve in time. If im honest, i feel thats why we did cross paths. So i can tell you that you are not your past or your mistakes. You are an amazing, kind-hearted person that has a lot of personal issues you need to go through. And not around. Or put them on the side. You need to go through it and face it. I feel that the day you do it and mend yourself is the day god will give you what you've been hoping for.

I wish i could give you more, but its not my place. I need to focus on myself, but thank you for crossing my way. I loved every moment we spent together, and every smile you gave me. I loved our deep conversations, our weird jokes and every time you took my hand. I loved being with you. But its not my place. Please never lose hope and find your happiness. I really sincerely hope the best for you. You deserve the world, Leo. You really do. You deserve so much love and happiness and i hope you find it someday. Thank you for being a part of my life, even if it was brief. Just thank you for everything.

~Mari 💛

#thoughts #confession #tbh #mon chéri #response #life #emotions #reminder #god is love #god is life #god is our strength #god has a plan #patience #mend yourself #love #love life #mon amour #mental health #hope

[tigerheart101]

Back from a break

Sorry to my friends and fellows for my silence. i took a major mental health break.

 because i learned that the majority of this world is made up of liars. Even people who claim the best intentions, when they find a weaker soul they will manipulate their ways into a win. 

The day when a slightly troubled but generally obsesssively careful and good person is prosecuted when they helped someone who was legit a bad person with bad habits and they helped this person be good and happy and just generally well behaved but still be themselves. then just one day the good person is so emotionally and mentally drained because they have overloaded themselves with work because everyone keeps saying they can handle it that their smart enough their strong enough except that bad person who all though they never out right said anything they constantly reminded them they were nothing but what others wanted them to be then eventually this good person snaps.. stops talking, stops function and ultimately STOPPED HELPING.  my best friend who i have learned is 1 of the only people i have ever been able to trust more then my own family finally said to me.  “it does no good to be a good person if everyone sees you threw a bad filter. and it does no good to give more of yourself to help others when you have nothing left to help yourself. cant fill someone elses glass to the top with water when you only had a half cup of water left in your own. “ 

Id love it if i was such a hard core edgy person that i can say these experiences have taught me to say fuck you to the world and help myself. but it hasnt, i just today gave a stranger 5 dollars to buy herself a bus ticket home to her kids. i still watch 5 kids for a friend for free because their going threw alot and really just needed a bit more help. i still take care of everyone while cried in my uber ride today cause we passed a pilot station. this is just who i am ok.  these experiences, ruined my education. but i wont let it stop me, i got my ged last month and i will be going to school for my associates and later my degree soon as i can securely.  i just got hired for a great job, and i start work in a week and im excited to do it.  i have a girlfriend who is going threw her own struggles and yea we fight sometimes but i love her and i refuse to give up on us because i dont give up on people.  i have my own family, not one i was born to, not one out of obligation or just so they can say they tried to help the troubled girl. but one that loves me up and down. who has watched me grow up in hell threw when i was generally bad (which my bad was having additude, crippling stress and a short temper) and my good which is not now and not then.. my good is a day when i wake up after a good night sleep. which is rare.  i have stopped taking all my antidepressants and anti anxiety even my migraine meds...and you know what..i am so much happier...yea i am traumatized and scarred after this last year of hell.. but being honest without the meds that supposedly are suppose to help me. i have more happy days.. my meds had caused me to gain weight rapidly on top of the far from healthy way i ate. my meds made it so yea i didn't cry as much but when i should have been crying i was sad as hell but i didn't cry, i didn't scream i did nothing but sleep, go to school, and sleep some more, eat whenever i was forced out of the house or someone else put it in front of me.... i dont need it. i hate drugs, before it was just illegal ones. right now its all of them.. because i was a good girl, i did everything my doctor told me to. and all it did was ruin my life. it killed my motivation to function, it made me into a zombie who could barely function and my doses where never even that high. i was so careful i started on tiny doses to try and prevent this very issue and i still had it.. it made me process my heart ache and stress as anger. it made me scared of leaving my room and it made me just want to sleep all day.it made what was never a very healthy body to begin with a much more unhealthy body and nearly made me diabetic because my metabolism was so slow i could no longer handle all the sugar and food and carbs i ingested. 

right now, i should be angry, before i would have been, i would have felt it all as anger and frustration thats all i felt when on my meds.. but right now i dont have it in me to be angry anymore. those who hurt me when i did nothing then be the best i could. i dont care anymore. to those who hurt me out of anger because i stopped making myself sick to keep them happy. To those who gave up on me because of others lies, or things that are just honest to god normal. or things i had no control of. i hope you feel better.  im sorry i pushed you all to the point of giving up, or hating me. im not angry with any of you. i forgive you for your part in it all. and im sorry for mine. im sorry i didnt have it in me to beg for help, or say something when i was stressed, or ask for help when my whole body begged for me to cry or scream but all i did was go to bed. im sorry to my therapist for the fact i couldnt tell you what was wrong with me and every time you gave me homework i never ever did it because i didnt want to acknowledge my feelings and validate them long enough to deal with them and i wanted to just ignore them. im sorry to my family that i wasnt loud enough, funny you always said im loud as hell tis annoying, but for once the problem was i wasnt talking enough and you forgot who i was, you forgot everything about me, dont to the fundamentals of who i am.  im not angry, im not resentful, im honest to god heart broken. i have dated alot i know it. im young thats normal its part of finding yourself for some girl. what i learned, is no heart break is the same as having your own family reject you. no pain is as bad as legit being told that your not wanted, that your a wasted time or that they wish they had never meant you when they are your own blood. 

but im not angry. i was bitter at first with everyone. i didnt understand who people who claimed to protect and love me. could have forgotten who i am at the very core of me. so quickly. but i get it now.  thank you, you taught me alot.  you taught me my voice is valid. im loud as hell, but at least someone hears me.  you taught me that its okay to not be okay because fuck being okay.  you taught me who really loves me. you taught me i have fucking amazing friends, and which ones they where.  you taught me that my biggest fear, was gonna be my greatest strength. 

my girlfriends who family disowned her cause shes trans. She says everyday that only people she trusts is me and her grandmother who is only family she has left. we get in fights built on the foundations of these exact trust issues. 

i understand and respect her pain. but i dont get it. she knows that and loves me for it. because i went threw hell this last year. and lost alot of people to lies. but i still trust everyone. i still offer my neighburs baked goods and a smile every time i see them. i still give homeless people a dollar cause they asked. i still love my family even those who never wanna talk to me. and thats ok.. i dont get the distrust. because to me.. being happy is about being yourself. and you know what. im naive, im volnerable, im ditzy, and oblivious, i trust to much, i give to much of myself, and i love people who dont always deserve it. and im ok with that.  my kindness might be undeserved but ill give it.  i have been nearly killed, betrayed, abused, and assaulted. but each of those people could come to me right now for help. and ill still give it to them. because i was taught if i have it to offer it to someone who needs it.  im okay with that. my girlfriend can be distrusting and angry thats okay to. because i need someone to protect my volnerable ass cause i wont risk hurting someone else to protect myself. 

#growth #growing up #learn from the past #pride #strength #future #mentalhealth #abuse survivor #abandonment issues #daddy issues #hope #goals #forgiveness #serious #deep #emotional

[sickeningradiances]

tagged by @cishethiruzen tysm!! ♥

What was your last

Drink: orange mirinda with ICE bc its SUMMER

Phone call: i dont remember but i dont talk to anyone else but momther

Last text: i just checked my texts and theyre all from bank and me asking the operator how much money i have...

Last song: Dehumanized by Disturbed

Last time I cried: its been some time! a good month! so im gonna say a month back from frustration

Have you ever dated anyone: i had.. 2 girlfriend and one boyfriend, who was a cishet, so in retrospect i hope he never finds out i discovered my gender

Kissed some one and regretted it: yep, im gonna say my ex bf

Have you ever been cheated on: not to my knowledge

Lost someone special: a few friends stopped talking to me, but im not mourning that anymore

Been drunk and thrown up: i havent been drunk for 3 years, but before that i did not throw up

List three favorite colors: gold, black, red (yes basic)

In the last year have you…

Made a new friend: yes it helped me a LOT with mental health

Fallen out of love: not yet but hopefully ill lose this stupid crush

Laughed till you cried: YEA when i killed ashe with my sparrow

Met someone who changed you: yes i’d say all of my new friends have helped me to become better

Found out who your true friends are: i guess?

Found out someone was talking about you: not to my knowledge.. Yet

Kissed someone on your FB friends list: i have no gotdamn idea whos on my fb friends list but i did not Kiss Anyone so either way no lmao

General

How many ppl do you know on your FB list irl: i have a feeling this thing is from facebook

Do you have any pets: MY CAT.... LIL SASKE, OR PIZZA JR i love him so much every day i am excited to come home to see him

Do you want to change your name: one day when i transition

What did you do for your last birthday: im Pretty sure i played overwatch as a highlight of the day

What time did you wake up today: 7:35 and i was late to work but 4 hours of sleep do that

What were you doing at midnight last night: gaming.. well i go to sleep at midnight so finishing up (and then i listened to mbmbam for 2 hours)

Something you cannot wait for: week in august when i’ll be home from work lmao AND destiny shadowkeep

Last time you saw your mother: this morning

What is one thin you wish you could change about life: about my life you kn ow... transition. but about life in general, im gonna say i wish climate change wasnt a thing and rich people wouldnt be killing planet but o Boy

What are you listening to right now: Walk away from the sun by Seether

Have you ever talked to a man named Tom: i dont think so?

What’s getting on your nerves: work... colleagues think i can write for 7 hours in this heat with my tired jello hands

Most visited website: ouch tumblr

Nickname: Pizza

Relationship status: single and dumbass

Zodiac sign: virgo

Pronouns: he/him

Fav tv shows: i dont remember..i dont really watch Anything but i do read books so here’s current two: ascension (obviously) and Ninefox Gambit (and rest of the triology) by Yoon Ha Lee

Hair color: brown, all red has grown out

Long or short: short

Height: 173cm..i think 5′7

Do you have a crush on someone: dont call me out

What do you like about yourself: i am really loving this new Can Read Books Pizza that ive never met before, i can finally focus on something for a while

Tattoos: constellation of virgo on my forearm, i want taurus next and capricorn after

Righty or lefty: right and i have to look at my arm everytime im trying to say sides

First surgery: none

First piercing: none agane

First best friend: in kindergarden i used to  have friend called Niki cause no one else liked me, so when she wasnt in for a day i just. sulked alone ajkfsk but also we could say my cousin michelle

First sport you joined: i liked and still like only volleyball

First pair of trainers: i dont fucking know

Right now

Eating: early dinner cause i had munchies

Drinking: same orange soda

Listening to: second one in same quiz.. well song changed so Words as Weapons by Seether (i am listening to only seether today for some reason)

Want kids: Not At All

Career: Ive always wanted to write or paint..but my interests dont hold for long

Which is better

Lips or eyes: eyes

Hugs or kisses: casually hugs but i woudlnt mind kisses smh

Shorter or taller: Everyone Must Be Shorter Than Me

Romantic or spontaneous: rrromantic?

Nice stomach or nice arms: ?? arms? id say hands

Sensitive or loud: sensitive.. whatever but not loud

Hookup or relationship: relationship ig

Troublemaker or hesitant: i used to be troublemaker but now hesitant

Have you ever

Kissed a stranger: no

Drank hard liquor: uhm yea im slavic

Lost glasses/contacts: never had glasses

Sex on the first date: i dont think ive had DATES but either way no

Broke someone’s heart: i think all of my exes broke up with me

Had your heart broken: yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Been arrested: lmao i dont go outside

Turned someone down: that would require people to ask me out lmao

Cried when someone died: i dont

Fallen for a friend: HEY I SAID DONT CALL ME OUT

Do you believe in

Yourself: IM TRYING

Miracles: hmmm depends

Love at first site: nnooo

Santa Claus: we  dont have santa lmao but i didnt believe in baby jesus for long either

Kiss on the first date: oh Yea

Angels: i want to but not christian angels.. just some supernatural beings

im tagging (sorry lmao i have no friends) @ashesucksatowofficial @artimidas @uchithot and @lady-efriyeet hi

#john.txt #feel free to ignore but i sure LOVE talking abt myself jdsfjsksd

[wistfulcynic]

Another Brick In The Wall: Chapter 8

a/n: Effusive thanks to @hollyethecurious for the artwork! I love it so much! Thanks also to everyone for reading, commenting, kudos-ing, and reblogging! I'm so pleased by the way people have been engaging with this story. Love you all xxx

Summary: Emma Swan, sheriff’s daughter, mayor’s niece, quarterback’s girlfriend, is the undisputed princess of Storybrooke High. She is smart and confident and used to getting what she wants. What she wants is Killian Jones, the new boy in school. But Killian is not easily manipulated, and reluctant to allow the dark secrets in his past to touch the girl he is rapidly falling in love with.

Rating: T

Read it on AO3: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8

Tags for: @darkcolinodonorgasm @jennjenn615 and @resident-of-storybrooke

Chapter 8: 

Killian was out of school for a week, for a “mental health break” he called it with a chuckle, apparently a term he’d gotten from Dr Hopper. He saw the psychiatrist daily during this break and spent the rest of his time at the harbour with Liam, working on their boat, reading, playing his guitar, and talking with his brother about everything that had happened. 

“We’ve hashed it all out in excruciating detail,” he told Emma as they sat together in the boat’s cabin, she working on her college essays while he practiced a new song. “It’s such a relief to be able to really talk to Liam again. There was a time when we had no secrets between us. He showed me all the information he had collected on Milah and her situation. Apparently her divorce is almost finalised and next month she’s starting a job teaching English in Japan.” He smiled. “She’ll like that, a chance to travel. What she always wanted.” 

“Hmmmph,” said Emma, glaring at the screen of her laptop as she typed rapidly. 

“Swan,” he admonished, giving her a mock scowl as he strummed a chord at her. 

Emma slammed her hands down on the keyboard. “Killian, I just don’t know how you can be so forgiving after what she did to you.” 

He set the guitar aside and his expression became serious. “I have to be, don’t you see?” he asked, looking at her intently. “I can’t hold on to my anger or it will eat me alive. I didn’t even realise how angry I was until Dr Hopper helped me see it, and how by not acknowledging it, allowing myself to feel it, and then letting it go, I was only hurting myself. Besides, I did genuinely care about Milah, and I’m glad she’s finally in a place where she can be happy.” 

“Hmmmmph.” Emma concentrated on deleting the gibberish she’d produced by her attack on the keyboard.

“A place that doesn’t include me,” said Killian brightly, picking up the guitar again and plucking out a cheery tune. “That’s good, isn’t it Swan?”

“I suppose so,” she grumbled. “Though I’d still prefer if the place was dark and scary and full of nettles.” He laughed heartily at that and she couldn’t hold back an answering smile. “Hey, I’m nearly done with this, will you read it over and make sure it’s okay? Just check my grammar and punctuation and stuff.”

“Of course, love, though I’m sure it’s already brilliant.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Freed from the weight of his worry and guilt, Killian gradually began to smile more easily, and his witty, teasing nature (“cheeky git,” Liam called him, his voice irritated but with a relief so profound it bordered on joy in his eyes) came more readily to the fore. When he returned to school the following Monday, he moved through the halls with a swagger that Emma had never seen on him before. Unlike the arrogant, bullying one that Neal always had Killian’s evoked a simple self-assurance that she had to concede looked really good on him. Despite how much emotional baggage he still had to work through he clearly wasn’t burdened by shame anymore, and equally clearly did not intend to take any crap from anyone. 

This made itself evident that morning when he shut his locker and turned towards his first class, only to find himself confronted by Felix and Rufio. 

“Really, chaps?” he said, raising an eyebrow at them. “You couldn’t even wait until after school so you could chuck me into the bins, like proper high school bullies?”

This mockery went clean over the other boys’ heads, and they continued to block his path, trying to look intimidating while also trying not to be intimidated by Killian’s calm demeanor and his amused expression. 

Felix, the sligtly cleverer of the two, suspected he was being laughed at but couldn’t put his finger on why. He didn’t like it. 

Bristling, he sneered at Killian. “Bet you think you’ve won,” he snarled. “Now that Neal’s in jail and out of the way. Now you can move in on Emma like you did on that—” he broke off as Killian stepped into his space. There wasn’t much difference in height between them, but somehow Felix had the impression of Killian towering over him, his face calm but his eyes darkly furious, and for once in his life he felt a stab of genuine fear. 

“I’m only going to say this once,” growled Killian in the new, lower register his voice had taken on more often of late, “So you’d better listen carefully. Your mate Neal is a criminal, and not even a good one. He’s in jail because he’s stupid, and that’s nothing to do with me. I have no doubt it’s where he’d always have ended up eventually. Bit of advice: If you’re going to steal confidential information, don’t take pictures of the evidence on your phone, and definitely don’t then show those pictures to the sheriff’s daughter. Neal got what he deserved. I now consider this matter closed, and if you or anyone else—” he raised his voice so that the rapidly assmbling crowd of onlookers could all hear, “—tries to take it any further, you will not care for the repercussions.” 

Felix wasn’t sure what “repercussions” were, but the hint of repressed violence in Killian’s manner made him keen not to find out. He had always been content to follow Neal, less out of respect for the other boy than a simple unwillingness to make a thing out of Neal’s belligerent insistence that he should be the one in charge, but he’d always sensed that there wasn’t much substance underneath Neal’s bluster. Killian however didn’t bluster. He simply stated facts, and Felix could tell that he was not the sort of person to make a threat he couldn’t back up with action. Perhaps it was time to step out of Neal’s shadow, thought Felix, and take over leadership of their little gang. He certainly couldn’t do a worse job of it than Neal had, and escalating a pointless conflict with a guy who looked prepared to fight dirty if necessary was much more Neal’s style than Felix’s. He nodded at Killian, and stepped back. Rufio looked surprised but followed his lead. 

Killian nodded back then transferred his glare to the crowd of onlookers, which had grown considerably in the past thirty seconds and now included Emma and Ruby, he could see out of the corner of his eye. “As for what you may have heard about me,” he said, loudly enough for all to hear. “It’s all true.” He smirked for a moment as a gasp went through the crowd, then his expression hardened. “It’s also no one’s business but mine, and those in whom I choose to confide. This is all I have to say on the subject. Now, if you’ll all excuse me I don’t wish to be late for class.” He slung his satchel over his shoulder and headed down the hall, turning his head briefly to shoot Emma a wink. People moved aside to let him pass and as soon as he had turned the corner furious whispering erupted in his wake. 

Ruby pursed her lips. “I may have underestimated him,” she remarked. 

Emma’s heart was pounding, a familiar occurrence where Killian was concerned, but this time it felt different. She’d been worried about how he would react to the ineveitable curiosity and questions from their classmates, but this smooth handling of a potentially explosive situation instead of calming her fears instead filled her with the wild desire to run after him, to fling herself into his arms and kiss them both breathless. 

“He’s just so wonderful,” she sighed, and Ruby laughed. 

“Down, girl,” she teased. “I’ll grant you this one’s worth your time, unlike the douchemaster general, but remember we’re in school. No one wants to see that.” 

Emma rolled her eyes and gave her friend a shove, but the butterflies continued rhumba-ing around her insides, this time accompanied by an odd, hollow sort of ache as she remembered her resolution not to pursue Killian anymore. She was now all but certain that she loved him, that beyond the hot, tingly sensation she always felt in his presence lay a profound devotion. She would do anything for him, sacrifice anything to give him what he needed, and that terrified her. For the first time in her life Emma felt vulnerable, exposed, as though her chest were torn open and her heart lain bare to the mercies of fate and one gorgeous, troubled boy. She hated it. Even knowing that Killian would never intentionally hurt her was no consolation when the truth was that he could hurt her simply by caring deeply for her as a friend. If that was all she could ever have from him she would take it, she knew, without pushing for more, but it would be a wound on her heart that would never heal. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“He’s a bully,” shrugged Killian at lunchtime, when Emma, this time accompanied by a very inquisitive Ruby, found him in the library. “Bullies are just cowards at their core, and cowards are easy to intimidate. He won’t do anything because he won’t want to call my bluff. I might not be able to back it up but he’ll be too scared to risk finding out.” 

“And what would you have done if he had called your bluff?” inquired Ruby. 

Killian shrugged again. “Probably got the shit kicked out of me.” 

“Would you have, though?” Ruby pressed, watching him through narrowed eyes.

He returned her stare with a look of wide-eyed innocence. “There were two of them to only one of me. Seems inevitable.” 

“Does it?” Ruby’s disbelief was almost palpable, and having fenced with Killian for months now Emma shared her friend’s suspicion that he was deliberately underplaying his fighting skills.

“Let’s hope we never have to find out,” said Killian with a small smile, in a tone of voice that made it clear he would answer no more questions on the subject. “I quite like my face arranged the way it is.” 

“It is a nice face,” said Ruby with a wolfish grin that widened as Killian’s ears turned pink. “But I didn’t come here just to flatter you. Victor asked me to ask you if he could have your phone number.”

“My number?” Killian blinked in surprise. 

“Yeah, there’s some concert in Portland and he doesn’t have anyone to go with and he thought you might be interested.” 

“Um, sure, I guess.” Killian rattled off the number and Ruby sent Victor a text. A minute later his phone buzzed and he looked at it, snorting as he read the message. “Bit of a wanker, your boyfriend,” he remarked to Ruby. 

“I don’t know what that is but I’m somehow sure that Victor is one,” smirked Ruby. “Is that gonna be a problem?”

“Not at all, I’m rather fond of wankers,” said Killian absently as he typed his reply. “My brother is one, after all.” His phone buzzed again almost instantly and he raised an eyebrow at what he read on it. 

“Ems, I think maybe we should leave the boys to their chat,” said Ruby, and as much as she hated to sacrifice free time with Killian, from the way he was fixated on his phone, his expression almost gleeful as he typed rapidly, Emma had to admit she was probably right. 

“Okay,” she said. “See you in class in a few minutes, Killian. And maybe hang out after school?”

“Hmmm? Oh, I have an appointment with Dr Hopper at four, but I can text you when I’m done.”

“Okay.” She smiled at him but his attention was back on his phone, so she followed Ruby out of the library trying not to feel too disgruntled. Killian should have other friends, she told herelf firmly, male ones who shared his interests. That was normal, and he could use some normal in his life right now.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Over the next few weeks, things at school settled back into a routine, albeit one that was markedly different than it had been. Neal had been officially arrested after David’s investigation, charged with burglary, theft, and theft of a medical record, and was facing up to five years in prison. His parents had put up their house as collateral to pay his bail, but weren’t allowing him to return to school. 

“Not much point when he’ll just go straight back to the slammer after he’s sentenced,” said Ruby viciously. “So much for that football scholarship he was so cocky about.”

Emma tried to find some compassion for Neal and what was basically the wreck and ruin of his future, but couldn’t dredge up a single particle of it. He had committed several felonies for no other reason than to stick it to Killian for outsmarting him and for becoming her friend, and he’d committed them flagrantly and with no thought to the consequences. He’d probably thought there wouldn’t be any consequences. Killian was right: Neal deserved everything that was coming to him, if only for being so colossally, arrogantly stupid. 

People still whispered about Killian as he walked through the halls but true to character he paid little attention. He did, however, gradually began to open up more and allow more of himself to show through his defences, willingly participating in classes and talking to people other than Emma and Ruby. By the time finals week arrived had actually made a few friends. 

Killian reflected wryly that in a twisted sort of way Neal had done him a favour. With all his secrets now out on the open he was free to embrace the opportunity for a new life he’d found in Storybrooke. Not that there had been anything particularly wrong with the old life, at least since his father had finally left. He’d been a mean old drunk, Brennan Jones, and by the time he’d been forced to flee his creditors for good, stealing a boat from Bristol harbour and melting into the offshore underworld, his sons had been glad to see the back of him. Killian thought about what he himself had been like back then, before Milah, and even though it had only been about a year since he’d first become involved with her so much had changed both in his circumstances and in himself, he feared that hopeful, enthusiastic boy was lost forever. Who exactly had taken his place was the question Killian had asked himself daily for weeks now, and he still wasn’t sure how to answer it. He’d become so used to holding everything in, to keeping such a tight rein on his thoughts and feelings that letting them out, accepting that it was okay to express them had become almost unbelievably difficult. The only person he felt even remotely comfortable being fully himself with aside from Liam was Emma, whose support and friendship remained unwavering as he bumbled and struggled thorough the reclamation of his life, and he remained intensely grateful for it. 

Only one thing about Emma troubled him-- that she no longer seemed to be interested in anything beyond his friendship. All the little hints and cues she had been giving him since they’d met were suddenly gone, and while he was relieved to be free of the added stress of constantly resisting something that part of him desperately wanted, he couldn’t help wondering if there was a darker motivation for this abrupt about-face. Perhaps, whispered an evil little voice in his head, Emma was actually more disgusted by his past than she let on and was simply too kind to tell him directly. Maybe the thought of him touching her turned her stomach now. He certainly couldn’t blame her if it did.   

“What do you want from your relationship with Emma?” asked Dr Hopper one afternoon, after Killian had finally brought himself to mention the change in her behaviour. “Do you want it to be romantic?”

Killian frowned, struggling to sort through the complex tangle of his feelings about and for Emma. “I don’t want a romantic relationship with anyone,” he said finally. “I still feel too messed up for anything like that. But I— I’m still really attracted to her. I think about her all the time, about how we kissed at her party, and I want to kiss her again pretty much constantly, but then I remember Milah and how I thought I felt about her, and I just—” 

“You don’t trust your judgement.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Killian, it’s important for you to remember that you have a much more equal relationship with Emma than you ever did with Milah.”

“Equal, with Emma?” Killian snorted. “You have met her, right?”

Dr Hopper smiled patiently. “I understand that you feel she’s beyond your reach, and that’s a separate issue, but what I mean by equal is that she’s your age and at your stage of life. With Milah you were constantly struggling to relate to her life and her experiences, and when you couldn’t you attempted to make up for that by offering her the affection and sexual attention she craved. You forced yourself to offer these things even though you didn’t genuinely feel them because you feared the consequences of not offering them. But with Emma there is no need to manufacture anything. She is placing no demands on you and therefore any attraction and affection you feel for her is genuine.”

“But what should I do about it?”

“Why should you have to do anything? You said you’re not ready for a romantic relationship, and that’s fine. Let yourself heal. The process is slow and frustrating, but believe me you are making progress. Let your feelings for Emma and your relationship with her develop at a pace that is comfortable for you. From what you’ve said it sounds like she will still be there when, if, you’re ready for more.” 

“It’s more than likely she no longer wants more. And even if she did, what happens when she meets someone who isn’t so hopelessly fucked up? Then where does that leave me?”

“Why don’t you worry about that if —not when— it happens?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the last day before winter break, Emma nervously approached Killian’s locker and handed him an invitation to her parents’ annual Christmas party addressed to him and Liam. 

“It’s just a thing they do every year for their friends and our neighbours,” she began to ramble as he examined the card, certain he would refuse and wanting to delay that painful moment. “My mom loves to entertain, and my dad says it’s good for building a rapport between law enforcement and the community, and—”

“Swan,” interrupted Killian, giving her that soft, indulgent look that said he knew exactly what she was thinking. “I’m sure we’d love to attend. Thank you for inviting us.” 

The butterflies soared in a grand jeté, and she felt like she was flying with them. “Great,” she said trying to keep her voice calm, “I guess I’ll see you then.”

Her delighted smile made his breath catch, and his answering grin set her heart galloping. Their eyes met and held, and as the end of semester chaos whirled around them they stood a breath apart, swathed in frustrated yearning and brittle tension, the only two people in the world.  

Then the final bell rang, and they leapt apart, Emma smoothing her skirt with shaking hands while Killian ran his own trembling fingers through his hair. 

“So, onion rings at Granny’s?” ventured Emma, wanting to kick herself for making him nervous again, after all her resolutions, hoping desperately he wouldn’t pull away. 

Killian sighed in relief, tinged with a hint of disappointment. Granny’s was safe. “Sounds perfect, love,” he said. 

#cs au ff #high school au #teenage captain swan #captain duckling #lieutenant duckling #another brick in the wall #profdanglaisstuff

[threenorth]

7 years - one of the best day's of my life.

(I always thought it was July *insert dates* but since the occasion of the anniversary I had to look back at the photo in where the girl holds a weapon of a doctor and it read it said June...

- I've decided to make this now because the actual day will cripple me..)

(Edit: on June 1st ill send this... But not the actual date because i will be not online or responding.)

.

..

...

....

.....

......

Dear ,loml,Girl,Freind, Lauren,Rose

I had a mental break down on our third day in the cinema in where because I wanted to make you happy for the rest of your life, but i knew i wouldn't be able to so i left to the best of my ability to get out of your life because i knew that i would probably be the reason you never are as happy as I've always wanted you to be....

In the movie(tfios) tjis was reinforced i relaized within all disillusions of reality in my terrible mental state of mind that the only way hazel grace gor her happyness Augusts had to not be in her picture anymore.

i will have to let you go completely and it's gonna be extremely difficult for me to do that as you were and still are the girl i thought id marry and spend the rest of my life with... But the times they are changin' *blows a humonaca * Remember me to one who lives there... She once was a true love of mine.

So i decided it was for the best to cutt the ropes to the reinforced bridge and let it collapse under it's own weight and oh man it was an ugly and it hurt to watch it implode but it had to, i wasn't doing any better within my fight but i was about to be knocked down more than I could ever realise.

Maybe i can work on myself and try this therapy thing but they only told me i was depressed and there wasn't enough criteria to help with my other issues that i know was wrecking my life...

I was hoping you would stick around but i forced you away, i didn't want to hurt you as my demons were eating my mind that's the last thing i would want is to hurt you ever in anyway shape or form...

I wished everyday to hold you in my arms like the days previously so i hugged my pillow and cried till there wasnt any tears...

i don't like touch expect handshakes

I never even liked kissing my girlfriend's in person but you made me want to feel every inch bump and scar every little last part of you because you made me fit back together with one hug...and I've never felt so alive...

We never got to look under the stars by a camp fire with smores all cuddled up in a sleeping bag watching stars on your roof but you would of told me stories of the universe...

I would of told you how when i look to the stars i see the same beauty as you... those stars still do that.

I would of hoped you would of told me your life story that i never wanted to know because i knew it was rough, maybe you might of seen why i never spoke about mine in fear of traumatising you...

One day when dying your hair You asked me if i liked i blonde hair or black hair i didn't care as long as you were happy but I remember saying something like but your gonna have to dye your hair as i thought it was naturally black and you corrected me to say you were a natural blonde.. I could see you in your long blonde hair down to the knees and smile loaded to kill and that it does now, you would of had some books in hand on the way to your writers den log cabin the back woods of Washington or Oregon woods with a fireplace to make tea and write the book you wanted to make and i hope you write still... I stopped because it hurt to much.

Your smile even in black hair made me feel like this life was worth living and with a it cutt deeper -*sentence reacted*- then *redacted*

I waited years for my next trip to America and the day i would break news to you that i was coming and more so to co and i hoped it would be one day but i got three and i am forever grateful.

I remember hiding behide the door because I wanted to surprise you, and man you jumped through the roof then suffocated me with arms and played with my hair no one has ever done anything remotely close to that ever since as i want to keep my distance with everyone... Three days later i had to go to ohio ugh midwest family trump voters, the door was open and i didn't have time to knock i just had to go we had an hour before the flight and i was granted 5 minutes i had and would of hoped you would of known my voice i called out, i hadn't relaized with my undiagnosed autsim i caused you a panic attack and I'm truly sorry i caused you pain in anyway as you told me a year later and i was truly shocked my fear of hurting you had happened and even when i thought it was safe to rebuild a bridge it wasn't because i knew i couldn't control my actions... I was unstable and i had to leave again.

Back to the 5 mins on day 4 I told you i had to go but i never said goodbye Because to me it wasn't goodbye it was till we meet again... I was hoping shortly in the sense but i knew it might be awhile longer but not 7 fucking- *reacted*

I gave you the gifts i wanted on the first day but it was better to wait...

I gave you chocolate to remember the sweet taste of life.

I gave my favourite t-shirt to snuggle even with a dot of blood from my shaved face for those conservtives in the Midwest.

I gave you the weapon of the doctor to keep you safe when i couldn't be there.

I gave you an anchor necklaces to remind you that you calm the seas that are rough, and you wore it to your home coming with your blue prom dress oh man you were the girl id take to my ball/prom/home coming dance that's why i never attended mine.

I gave you a hallowed book to well at the time ultimately keep secrets in the library of old books and i was hoping it was big enough for the sonic screw driver but ultimately it would hold whatever secrets the girl wished to hide.

I gave you tea to help keep you warm and calm on those lonely bitter cold winter days, the lemon grass and ginger warms the soul and cleans.

I remember in my last turn away the hazel eye's of a girl and i saw the universe, i saw her long blonde hair and i want to make into French braids I don't know how to braid but I'd learn anything if you asked me to within reason... Because i have a few disabilities but I would try to do what ever i had to... In 2013 with my time to heal i was told to make some goals for my life...and here is some of them...

* go to college and get a degree (I spent 3 years working and trying to figure out what to do and 3 years doing it achieving this in 2018*)

* get a good job (*i got this this year because in 2019 i was diagnosed with high functioning autism and it made me spiral into doom where everything that happened to me made sense like why the kids use to call me Sheldon Cooper)

I just wanted a girl not any other girl but the girl who I found through a mutual tumblr and my word... 2012 what a year...

I have very few things left on this list and I have to make peace with that and i don't like looking up at the stars anymore but i know your on the other side of the world looking at the *more or less/slightly different* same stars.

I have a tattoo planned for you but I don't want you to know what one is you but I'm sure you're know.

You always had a way to see right through me so my re-creation my look of style was born from your vision for me with the twist of capt was my favourite avengure hes super human nothing more then enhancing his ability. I just tried to be a good man and ultimately I don't want you to feel bad for anything because your already as cute as i wanted you to become and now it's my turn to evolve and since working

I've been able to I must work out at the gym i must go to uncomfortable places,deal to my own problems one at a time little by little and i would hope by the time you read this I'm on new meds for my issues and funny how money can't buy happiness but it can buy me temporary relief but when I return whenever that is... if you are still out there wherever you are i want you to know i that.... live your life and you told me you don't want nothing to do with me so i will go my separate way, but i will always be here for you...

I thought id reach a few weeks ago because I had my first time went manic in 3 years but I couldn't control it i was stuck in mania for two weeks i tried tell you but I said things i never I asked the answers to things racing through my head... Amd now i have to live with the answers i feared and I alreday knew to be true i didn't want to know it i wanted to keep my dreams of being with you one last time this time the right time and you could of seen the man i wish i was, I'm just stuck in the middle of all these things...

Ultimately i want you to know that no matter what comes my way I've keep breathing I've never self harmed since promising you and my biggest trial is yet to start and your words haunt me but they must be the only words in my brain that aren't mine that i know aren't mine and I tried to keep my tabs on you to make sure that you were okay i didn't know if you would ever want to hear from me as the last thing i herd was i give you panic attacks and axiterty and now you give me panic attacks and axiterty.... I don't worry about them because you mean so much to me and don't worry about me I'll be okay eventually I'm in my final stages of evolution and I'm just a tad slow to catchup...

I've recently found out i have extremely flat feet that's why i gave up sports and couldn't run very far without pain and now i glasses to see clearly with an eye stigisim in where the over bearing load of one eye being more powerful has thrown my body... It is only the beginning finally and ultimately not the end but a beginning.

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to try get back to reality... It just so happens all my medical conditions from birth really fucked up my mental health.

I'm glad you are free and happy... I ju-*redacted*

If you ev-*redacted*

I'm *redacted*

I've been stuck in space for to long and now I'm grounded I'm trying to repair our friendship...

Edit 3: I've been referred to the hospital, it would appear that i was depressing myself to cope to turn my brain off from reailty and with my truma of bullying for years at schooling that ultimately fucked me over as when trying to revist reality causes me to be manic and psychosis with visual hulusnate....i had asthma and so i could never get deep enough breaths to recenter myself during axiterty attacks and i stopped taking them because i didn't need them for fitness but i needed them for my panjc attacks that then led to my depression that i didn't take my medications for just breathing fucking air.

It's funny how everything has intertwined it's self into my life of old...and my new live...

A girl that isn't the same person i once knew said You have to be brave enough to get your diagnosis, I'm scared but i know that i must.

I'll be o -

I'll be okay...

*tears*

I wish i knew all my issues sooner before they come back haunt me but i never had all the answers and now i do...

7 years on from... (because i know the date... *the day we...)

I'm burning a sun to say goodbye.

I finally can say goodbye to you. If not in person but the only way I can.

This isn't a suicide letter.

I'm sorry

I *redacted*

I don't *redacted*

Don't *redacted*

..

Yours

Always Charlie,the Beautiful Mind,

RlF

Personal Sidenote;

I would of mailed a letter but I have no address.

I would of called but i never got a phone number.

Burn after reading...

i might write you a letter sometime again but I haven't decided when to as this is something I've wanted to do for years but didn't know what I'd say to you without hurting either of us.

[eternalmydnyt]

So I decided its time for another one of my random peeks i give into my insanity. This is the playlist of songs on my IPhone. Some are there just because i like them but for the most part music is a form of self therapy for me, the voices find things in life which lets them feel manifest and music is a way to feel them, touch them, and communicate with them in a generally harmless environment. Plus this can give anyone who reads an glimpse into my head and my tastes

In no particular order Im going to follow this format for the list

"Title" Band

Affecting Lyrics

How it affects me

Lets begin shall we?

"Get Well" Icon For Hire

Don't tell the others but it's all getting old

I mean how many more times must our stories be told?

And being lonely's only fun in a group

It sort of loses it's charm when it's true

This is a song about someone who is tired of suffering. Someone who has decided that its time to get serious about changing for the better. The voice in my head who reacts most to this is Eleni, Eleni doesnt want to be broken anymore, doesnt want to be crazy and fractured. She is my internal caretaker and OCD. She is who i draw on when i need to get things done regardless of how i feel.

"My Name" Shinedown

My name is worthless like you told me I once was

My name is empty cause you drained away the love

My name is searching since you stole my only soul

My name is hatred and the reasons we both know

Micheal... he is so angry all the time. Angry about the past, angry about the present, angry about the future. He is my rage at a world that should be more then what it is. Micheal is the one who is most "Me" of the voices. He is the one who is the closest to being who i would if i didnt have to constantly wear a thousand masks for society. He cares about some but in general he just wants to see everyone burn until they understand his pain.

"Break In" Halestorm

You are the only one

The only one that sees me

Trusts me and believes me

You are the only one

The only one that knows me

And in the dark you show me

Yeah it's perfectly reckless

Damn you leave me defenseless

So break in

This is my song i dedicate to Francine and everything she does for me. She is one of only 3 people who I truelly trust and who knows almost everything about me. She has saved me.

"Carry on my Wayward Son" Supernatural 200th Episode Cover.

Masquerading as a man with a reason

My charade is the event of the season

And if I claim to be a wise man,

Well, it surely means that I don't know

Ok this one is just because i REALLY like it. Especially this version.

"Indestructible" Disturbed

Another reason, another cause for me to fight

Another fuse uncovered now, for me to light

My dedication to all that I've sworn to protect

I carry out my orders without a regret

Ahh Alex. He is aggressive and territorial. He isnt Angry the way Micheal is but he is more violent. He was the part of me that couldnt remember fighting back against bullies, the part which would lash out in violence against anyone who mistreated me. He was dangerous and volitile in school but he had reasons to be. He changed as I got older... now he is more of a gatekeeper. He protects the people i trust... deciding who is "Pack" and who isnt. If he doesnt accept you then I dont trust you. I dont have many in my circle but he is the one who holds the guest list. If you arent in the circle then Alex lets Micheal have you.

"Divide" Disturbed

I am a little more provocative then you might need,

It's your shock and then your horror on which I feed

So can you tell me what exactly does freedom mean,

If I'm not free to be as twisted as I wanna be

Don't wanna be another player losing in this game

I'm trying to impress upon you

We're not the same

My psychotic mentality is so unique

I'm one aggressive motherfucker

Now, wouldn't you say

Ever since Micheal became violent he has been fighting against being classified with the rest. He hates being "Just another voice" he believes he is THE voice and the others should serve him. I like Micheal alot... he is one i rely on and consider one of my closest allies because he has the strength to drown out the others when i need him to... but god he can be a self important dick sometimes.

"Without Me" Eminem

Now this looks like a job for me so everybody just follow me

'Cause we need a little controversy,

'Cause it feels so empty without me

This is another i just really like. Hell of a beat. Good music for a walk.

"Fuck Away the Pain" Divide the Day

You hate the way he fooled around behind your back

A slave to him but now with me, no strings attached

But if you wanna use me up and leave me in the bed

If that's what you need go right ahead

Ahh Gray. I was wondering when you would show up. Gray loves this song. Being eternally a teenager his greatest joys in life are Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll. If he could spend all his time getting high, getting laid, and playing Call of Duty he would be a happy boy. He reminds me to have fun and relax. I just wish he wasnt so pushy about it.

"Love Bites (So Do I)" Halestorm

My lips are pale and vicious.

You’re foaming at the mouth.

You’ve suffered in the darkness.

I’ll suck the pain right out.

So come and taste the reason

I’m nothing like the rest.

I kiss you in a way you’ll never forget about me.

Two Gray songs in a row. He is a firm believer that the best cure for pain is to leave it behind with fun and pleasure. Someone hurt you? Leave em behind and find something better. He doesnt get why it has to be any more complicated then that.

"Innocence" Halestorm

Is this what you wanted

Did I make your dreams come true?

You're sitting in a corner

Wondering what you got into

And you ache for things you don't understand

That your tears don't mean a thing

I only cum when you scream

Raven. I dont talk about her much. Micheal is angry and Alex is Violent but Raven enjoys it. Raven wants to inflict pain not for revenge or to protect me... she wants to inflict pain because she enjoys it. She loves the idea of having power over another person and being able to control the difference between their pleasure and their pain. finding out just what it would take to push someone to the point where the carress of fingertips and the carress of a blade provoke the same reaction... be it screams or moans. Raven came to being during a time in my life when all i did was suffer... and when all you do is suffer you find ways to enjoy even that.

"Leave it all behind" Cult to Follow

Forget the decay

And the endlessness of all of our mistakes

Forget all the blame

And the apathy

And throw it all away

Forget the Pain

Forget the Hate

Forget all your Enemies

They never will break you again

This would probobly be most associated with my serpent. He isnt vocal... he is cold and empty... armored and predatory. He is instinct and survival. He turns me off. When my emotions are more then i can handle his scales harden me and keep them out... better to feel nothing then to be overwhelmed.

"My Songs know what you did in the Dark" Fall Out Boy

A constellation of tears on your lashes

Burn everything you love, then burn the ashes

In the end everything collides

My childhood spat back out the monster that you see

Another Micheal... have i mentioned he is loud? I think one of the largest things that fuels his rage is the fact that maybe I would be so much healthier if someone had jus seen what was going on when i was a child and helped me then... no instead the schools were content just labeling me "Antisocial with Anger Control Issues and an Overactive Imagination" Fucking lazy ass socalled professionals...

"What I've Done" Linkin Park

I'll face myself

To cross out what I’ve become

Erase myself

And let go of what I’ve done

This song speaks to me but its hard to pinpoint why. Theres alot in my life i regret... Life needs a Do-over button.

"Porn Star Dancing" My Darkest Days

She wraps those hands around that pole

She licks those lips and off we go

She takes it off nice and slow

Because that's pornstar dancin'

Gray loves this song... not only for its literal lyrics bot also for the fact he has convinced himself its one long ass Blowjob analogy.

"Runnin" Adam Lambert

'Round and around I'd go, addicted to the numb

Living in the cold

The higher, the lower the down, down, down

Sick of being tired and sick of waiting

For another kind of fix

The damage is damning me down, down, down

Love this song... Speaks to me but at the same time it is one that im not sure who in my head reacts most. It just makes me happy.

"Save Yourself" My Darkest Days

You’re the perfect drug when it hurts like hell

I've never needed anyone so much

There’s no-one else I love and I curse myself

Cause the right thing is to give you up

I’m overcome by shame cause I can never change

And you can never understand my sickness

(I’ll never understand my sickness)

This is a Micheal. He is angry and violent and seeks pain on others... but there are people he cares about. He doesnt want to hurt them but he cant change what he is. So I try to keep him tempered with the lighter voices despite him being by far my strongest.

Bah i'm gonna stop here. Theres a few more songs on the list but they are mostly just because i really enjoy the sound of em. Ill put them in a quick list.

"I am Murloc" Elite Tauren Chieftain

"Bad Girlfriend" Theory of a Deadman

"Careless Whisper" Seether

"Chicken with a Train" Cowboy Troy

"Swing" Trace Adkins

"I dont Dance" High School Musical (Dont judge me!)

"Let it Go" Frozen (Dont you dare fucking Judge me lol)

#music #voices in my head #scream into the void

[i-bounced-byeeee]

Man I remember when I tried to come out someone they were like

"No you're not!"

And these were their reasons why i wasnt (bonus my refutation)

1. I was a girly kid, I didnt have a tomboy phase.

- about that, I was very much encouraged to like girly things. I remember very well once when I was maybe 4 or 5 years old, I saw either my brothers or my sister get cars for their birthday and wishing that cars were "girl toys too"

2. I liked girly stuff too much.

- I dont have to be a woman ur woman identifying to enjoy traditionally feminine things like glittery stuff, sparkles jewelry, nail polish, longer hair, and cute stuff like stuffed animals and the like. I still enjoy these things and me being trans doesnt have to change that, although I do shy away from it sometimes because I dont want my gender identity to be invalidated or to be misgendered.

3. "You like your boobs too much!!"

- (yes this was a real phrase someone said to me)

ABOUT THAT

I liked how other people liked my breasts, and because other people liked them I kinda went with it because it made me feel attractive to have big honkers on my chest. When it boils down to it I didnt actually like wearing clothes that were revealing or form flattering, and I hated the attention I got from it even more, even when people were around. I assumed this was because of the "women are objectified and sexualized and get assaulted" stuff and I'm sure that was part of it but I'm sure some of it was also dysphoria, but I didnt know enough about gender and gender identity to figure that out at the time.

4. "You didn't show any signs!!"

- On the contrary! When I was a teenager I lost count of how many times I told my girlfriend I wished I was a boy. I remember chopping off all my hair and how stoked I was about it, and how my girlfriend ran her fingers through my hair like "you look like a boy!" I remember finding any excuse I could to dress like a boy even though people make jokes about how I looked like a 12 year old or a 10 year old boy. The signs were all there. Just no one noticed them. Not even me.

But I still had imposter syndrome and its taken a lot for me to get over that. Honestly a lot of it also stemmed from the fact that My sister questioned her identity when she was a teenager. She identified as trans, and wanted a binder, asked us to call her he/him and changed her name. She was like this for about 2 or 3 years. She tried to start Testosterone but never did bc the therapist she was seeing wouldnt help her with it.

What happened? Idk but one day she started using she/her pronouns again, and asked us to use them again for her, now she identifies as a cis lesbian instead of a trans man.

And I was worried I would go through the same thing.

I also had to over come some internalized transphobia and conditioning, which was the result of uneducated cis people and terf rhetoric. It's been a long road. I've grown a lot

I'm a lot more comfortable and confident in my own skin and I know beyond a doubt I'm trans just because of how my heart sinks when I'm deadnamed or misgendered. Theres no doubt in my mind.

But my initial coming out was hard. If it wasnt for my friends I might have gone back into the closet because the 1 person i thought would have been supportive no matter what, wasnt as supportive as I thought theyd be. Without my support circle I probably would have killed myself back in 2018.

Now I feel a lot better about myself than I did then (even if it's not always obvious) I still struggle with mental illness but since transitioning theres one less thing contributing to my depression and insecurity.

#cryptid mumbling #trans tag #suicide mention cw

[mywildloves]

So, let me give you guys an idea of whats been going on since I was active on a daily basis here. 

Ive finally admitted to myself that the fact that I lost my job was my fault. I developed a severe mental illness due a multitude of factors I had no control over, but, my illness and the therapy got in the way of my job performance, and my presence in the lab. Its like, yeah I didnt expect my brain to decompose and I certainly didnt know how to deal with that, but at the same time the responsibility of trying to do the very best I could was mine. And I didnt. And thats why Im here. I carry a lot of guilt about it.

Being unemployed for this long has been really scary. Ive been out of work since June and Ive only had two interviews and nothings come out of them. I have a feeling that no one in NYC will take me because they all know my boss and they dont want him to think theyve “poached” me from his lab. That was one of the concerns that a woman from one institution had. She said she still had to keep up a relationship with the members of the microscopy community, and didnt want my employment with her to cause a deterioration of the relationship she has with my former lab. Could be bullshit, maybe hiring me is a risk... and its hard to know that that fact IS my fault. That I should have handled the therapy and the effect of my mental illness more professionally. They call me because Im qualified, but then they wont take me because of where I used to work. I feel like either I need to move to a new state, or change professions. I love microscopy though. I do. I want to stay there. I want to contribute to the knowledge. I want to be part of the effort. Science excites me.  

Theres one job that Im still waiting on, and its the one I REALLY REALLY WANT, but I havent gotten much of a response to the few emails Ive sent. Im showing them that Im enthusiastic about the position without being overbearing and irritating. I sent the guy I interviewed with a “thank you for your time” email, like youre supposed to. And then I sent him an email with a few questions, since he said it would be understandable that after the interview I might have some questions that didnt come to mind during the interview. No answer. Then I emailed his assistant to see if the position had been filled and she said that nothing has happened with that position that shes aware of and that he and the other PI on the project have been travelling a lot, and to “stay tuned” for more info. The feeling I got from that interview was that they werent in a rush to get someone. 

I asked him if waiting for me to relocate would be an issue as this position is in Boston and finding a place to live, a school for my kids, some kind of day care situation, etc, would take time. His answer was “Well, were not interested in finding the person who can start as soon as possible, were looking for the right person. If you told me you couldnt make it until May, then we might have to talk about getting that time frame a little closer” So... Im not out of the pool. He didnt even want references as he said that he knew a bunch of people from Einstein (where I used to work) that now work for their company. I know who hes talking about, and thats a very very very good thing. 

Strangely, a company based in France that works on temperature controllers for microscopes contacted me. That was the thing I was trying to patent, and build while I was working at my old job. No one knows about that except for you guys, vaguely, and the people in my old lab. How word got to some start up company in France is beyond me.

Ugh, enough about the job thing. I know, that was a lot but thats whats front and center here.

 In other news, Im now 125 lbs! Much better than the 105 lbs I had dropped to. It was gross. Being 105 lbs isnt gross, but the quickness at which I lost it gave me saggy skin and even though I looked good in clothes, naked, I was a mess. Just a horror show. Now Im filling it out and the yoga is REALLY helping me tone up. Ive been eating more and taking the kids to the playground after school a lot (since winter will be here before you know it and those days will be few and far between). When I take them to the park I dont do the sitting on the bench playing with my phone thing. I play. I love the playground, so while Im having fun Im also moving and exercising. All of Dylans friends like me a lot because I engage them while their parents are all squawking in the parent clique, and Im there to have fun with them all. Dylans “girlfriend” really likes me too. We had a jumping competition last time I went. Who could jump the longest off of the highest step on this one jungle gym thing. It was like 4 steps high, so I wasnt putting her in danger, but it was cute. I did save her from some bigger boys that were picking her up and swinging her around and boy did I read them the riot act. 

Dylan got 100% on his first test, which was a spelling test, and of course Im so proud of him, but at the same time Im also pretty peeved that he had to take a test in the first grade. I dont know, maybe Im too soft, but at 6 years old theyre still babies and they dont need tests yet. What if they dont do well? Thats hard for a 6 year old. Its unnecessary at their age IMO.

Theres so much more but Ive written a shit ton here that no one is going to read because of length, so Ill write more as I think about it. Its just a hard time right now, but really Im making the best of it. Im owning my shit and trying as hard as I can to fix it. The time Im getting with my kids is really awesome, and its a privilege honestly. Ill cherish this forever. I wish I could make some money while doing it, but thats almost impossible after not having established myself at any kind of company. I dont even care what I do. I just want to stay here. I thought about selling artwork but Im afraid Im not good enough for that. Theres just so much to figure out but not a whole lot of time.  

Anyway, talk soon. 

[thejonlife]

1, 4, 7, 8, 9, 11, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 23, 25, 26, 32, 33, 36, 42, 47, 49, 56, 57, 59, 62, 63, 66, 67, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 75, 78, 81, 83, 85 (Wanted to pick them all but I picked the ones that are better....... no pressure!)

vaguely nsfw asks

1. Are looks important in a relationship? To an extent of course but theres way more important stuff :]

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

3. Are you a virgin?

4. Are you in a relationship? i am not.

5. Are you in love?

6. Are you single this year?

7. Can you commit to one person? As much as i joke about wanting to be a hoe i dont think i can?

8. Describe your crush Shes an old co worker shes blonde nerdy and sweet to me.

9. Describe your perfect mate :oh i have no idea but i hope shes nice cool thinks im cute and is a nerd in her own way.

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

11. Do you ever want to get married? Honestly i dont know i dont love marriage as an expensive social construct but i always imagined dying with someone you know?

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

13. Do you get jealous easily? Sometimes if her friend is taking up my attention ha but im understanding. 

14. Do you have a crush on anyone? Yes an old work buddy and a couple tumblr crushes :]

15. Do you have any piercings? Stretched ear lobes but i lost my left one in SF

16. Do you have any tattoos? No but im trying to set up an appointment today actually 

17. Do you like kissing in public? Definitely as long as its not intense PDA but im affectionate for sure. 

20. Do you shower every day?

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? Of course im not a cheater.

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year? This year compared to last year i would like to put myself out there but i believe in things happening organically.

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Yes but im not sure how serious those words were and or they were back then.

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? I was so in love in my last relationship that i couldnt tell she wasnt on my level so yes but thats life and that happens. 

33. Have you ever had sex with a man? I havent and i dont think i could but i know tons of great looking guys.

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends? No actually and im lucky for that but i had a crush on a middle school friend because she always went out of her way to give me a hug :]

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? Less than a minute if we know each other already but i am restrained if weve just met.

43. How long was your longest relationship?

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

47. How old are you? My birthday was this last wednesday and i turned 31 but ive been told i look younger than i am so thats great.

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? im single AF

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

55. Share a relationship story.

56. State 8 facts about your body I have a beard i wear glasses I am 5′7 i have brown eyes i have been told i have a nice nose i like my legs/thighs weird but theyre muscular kind of my ears are stretched and i wish i had bigger hands?

57. Things you want to say to an ex: I hope youre well.

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!) I will do this later but bear with me im terrible at selfies :[

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Im a sucker for just touching period especially any that makes me feel manly.

63. What is your definition of “having sex”? Insertion?

64. What is your definition of cheating?

65. What is your favorite foreplay routine?

66. What is your favorite roleplay? I have never lol but itd be cool to pretend to be a sick patient and have them be a nurse.

67. What is your idea of the perfect date? Brewery trip or a museum after we grab food and we go for a drive or a walk and we talk :]

68. What is your sexual orientation?

69. What turns you off? Mean or pessimistic or dirty people.

70. What turns you on? Nice legs and a sense of humor or a great smile

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream? I wish i could remember ha ha ha ha but god those were awkward ill say if i remember eventually.

72. What words do you like to hear during sex? Moaning and i was called daddy once and i didnt think id like that but i do also being called papi. If you just exclaim fuck thats super hot too.

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? Fill out this form and or just text me to say hi or invite me out to drink or have dinner.

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? A friend of mine just recently bought me one of those SNES classics :] my birthday sucked but my friend bough that for me months ago and i had no idea :0

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

78. What’s your dirtiest secret? Im almost certain i might be depressed or have some mental ailment because im always going through sadness but im okay right now oh and i ghosted somebody once and i felt terrible about that. Oh i also once accidentally broke somebodys drivers side mirror but karma got me last year. 

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

81. Who are five people you find attractive? Famous people? Gal Gadot Chrissy Teigen ashley graham and tons of other awesome people.

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

83. Who was your first kiss with? Ha ha ha im lame but my first kiss was my prom date senior year.

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet? I have a crush on some people i follow on tumblr so of course :D ;]

Send me asks pls I'm bored : )

Why not?

[maybeprecocious]

day three

all my thoughts are swayed and discredited by the next

it makes me think im incapable of thinking

or feeling

i dont know what other people think of me

of what im doing

what their hypothesis is on my mental state

i tell myself i dont need to rely on external opinions

its true, i dont need to, as a general rule

but i feel i need, or maybe really just want to know

for now

i was angry this morning, again

i didnt know i was here, but i knew i was here

the only way to describe what waking up is like is with a coraline metaphor, shocker

hear me out

coraline was dissatisfied with her parents and her life, when she crawled through the door to find the other world, she felt peaceful for a while. the other world gave her everything she thought she wanted. her evenings spent there were seemingly blissful while she was blind to the atrocities in that world, the world of bliss, carefully curated by her other mother. she would fall asleep there in a visually pleasing room, smile wiped across her face, and wake up in the real world, drab and boring, greeted by her real parents. she was uncertain about whether she was able to return to the world of her dreams again, but held the hope throughout the day that she may be able to do so in the evening.

when i wake up here there is a period of time where my brain hasnt “adjusted.” where i think i may be aware of where i am. that, “back again” feeling. i’m unhappy. coraline was never sure of how she arrived back home, only that she knew she was there.

i think i have a period of my morning of feeling, because i dont remember my mornings. i remember the first few minutes after waking and not much from there. i walk through my days numb, as did coraline doing what she had to, unimpressed with the world around her.

toward the evenings i’ve been getting an inexplicable odd burst of energy. i’ve spent the last 6 or so hours shaking, and rambling, and laughing, and, odd. the only way to describe it is a constant feeling of AAAAAAAAAAAA.

put simply, i wake up, i think i feel real for a moment?, the fact that i have to live a day becomes apparent, i begin working out how to navigate it, then i disconnect.

this happens to different degrees daily and has been happening for a long time, not just here. i think its worse here though because i am actively trying to monitor “how i am” so i can report back to myself, and the others around me. the overwhelming truth that i am here, in hospital, “help seeking,” and that i am real is too much, so i almost sleepwalk through the day. late afternoon rolls around and i find myself more awake. still out of touch, but awake and frantic. i don’t know where the day has gone, i spend less and less time trying to recall it. there is a reason it has been placed out of reach.

i dont want to be here, but i dont want to be anywhere. if i was not in hospital i would be high, drunk, or dead. life “outside” is spent running. running away from the present and toward a future im not certain of, and im not certain i want to be a part of. its better to contain myself until i make a decision, and put a hold on the active self destruction and maybe, get myself to a place where i feel capable of living without said destruction taking place and while im at it, working to create adaptive coping again. i know that will take a long time, more time than i can and will spend here, but as someone said today i am not my “consistent self” and i need to get back to my baseline of function which most would call dysfunction. but back to a place where i can more actively help myself and make better choices.

when the other mother asks to take coralines eyes, she is finally able to see.

i just blanked

i dont know where i was going with that but i’m sure it was somewhere great.

i did not function today

i feel odd about today, about every day, but the last few days feel closer

i feel, that, as disconnected as i am, that i have been holding myself accountable to my emotional state, even if i dont know where my emotional or physical state lies in that current moment or where it may lay in the next. i want to know when i will be better and feel more okay, and im struggling to accept that i cannot predict that. i wish i could. marsha linehan would not be proud of my inabilty to practice radical acceptance in this area, or a lot of areas currently.

i spent longer than i should trying to turn the computers in the ward on

just so i could see if the wallpaper that my ex girlfriend and i spent longer than we should have creating, was still there

one computer turned on, it wasnt on there

maybe it was on the other, but i wouldnt know. it wouldnt turn on.

according to the other patients it was there a week ago.... kelsabelle does not live on in one desktop, but maybe it does in the other.

maybe why i didnt try harder to get it to turn on was because i didnt want to know.

i havent eaten in over 24 hours and i feel better

and ok

but i couldnt hold my body up at one point today

i had to skip a group because i felt like i was going to pass out, so i slept

water is making me nauseous

i feel weak

weak emotionally, weak physically

i used to be able to deal with a lot more emotionally, physically

i could fast for 90+ hours, eat something small and go another 100+ hours and barely feel ill

i could live with my mother and take her shit constantly, but one comment now and everything unravels

weak

but i will make myself strong again

physically by not eating, building up a “tolerance”

emotionally by not feeling, building up....

no.

that would be building up an intolerance.

but maybe, JUST maybe, i can get used to a new normal

well

not so new but the old normal

which feels new again

which sounds a lot like giving up

but doesnt feel like it

but its the definition of giving up

but it doesnt feel like it

if this is giving up, then i guess im giving up

wordsearch total: 8

#where my mind is (not) #vent #gho-lish #blanket tw #tw #cw #fuckin idk why im tagging tws

[soveryradical]

prime numbers for the valentine's ask ;)

2.Have you ever been deeply in love?

Yea,, with you, dork.

3.  Longest relationship you’ve ever been in?

current relationship! its been over a year

5. How is your relationship with your ex?

i have 3 ex’s

ex #1: idrc, like… i hope she’s well? we never talk i dont know where she went i have no emotional attachment to her at all

ex #2: i hope she’s doing okay! i wish we talked more but she lives across town and just is part of a different kind of crowd than i am

ex #3: i hope she fucking realizes how bad she hurt me lmao i hate her so much

7.  Have you ever cheated?

no, and i never will

11. When you are dating someone do you believe in going on “breaks”?

uh… i mean, no, not really? i’ve dated the same girl twice but it wasnt really a “break,” like. we were broken up for like a year.  i dunno like i think its ok to try and rekindle something but i also think if someone wanted a “break” it’d just be kinda saying “i dont want this relationship but i also dont want you to move on from me so i can have you back with no competition” and thats lame

13. What’s one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship?

in my second relationship, i regret not dealing with the breakup in a better way, i think i hurt her more than i realized and that was a mistake. i wish that i had trusted in her and myself more to be able to handle things and maybe it might’ve worked out longer. that used to bug me more but i’ve moved on now but back then i probably could have done things better

i also regret being too much of a pushover with my 3rd girlfriend and letting her ruin me lmao

17. Do you believe it’s possible to fall in love on the internet?

definitely!

19. How do you know it’s time to end a relationship?

if it hurts more than it makes you happy, for sure end it. if you spend more time worrying about what you’re doing wrong, have a talk and/or end it. if they lie to you or control what you do, end it. if they refuse to take responsibility or make any decisions, end it. if you make all the sacrifices with no effort from the other person, end it.

23.  How many relationships have you had?

good question. people i’ve dated? 4. Time chunks spent not being single?? ummm….

1 with girlfriend numero uno, 2 and like a few random reunions with some emotionally stunted kissing with girlfriend 2, and then what started as a polyamorous relationship but im now only with one of those people bc the other was terrible

so like. 4.5?????

29. What do you notice first about another person?

i think mostly if talking to them is easy. if i feel like im forcing myself to think of things to say it’s not really enjoyable for me.

31. Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness?

not at all. i mean… i do get distressed when i can’t help, even though i know that isn’t My Job i still get stressed when i dont know how to help, but thats a personal problem and any sort of mental illness wouldnt make me love a person any less.

37.  What’s more important: Looks or personality?

i’d be lying if i said looks didnt matter at all, but ultimately personality is most important. i mean, i was crushing on my current partner before i ever saw pictures of them, and then seeing them only made me crush harder.

41.  What’s your imagination of a “perfect date”?

hmmmmm… that’s hard. honestly i cant think of anything super fancy that would be better than just curling up in bed and cuddling all day

53. Are you jealous of couples when you’re single?

im fuckin jealous of couples NOW bc im in a long distance relationship. im ALWAYS bitter about people being all Couple-y in front of me

59. Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner’s birthday or your anniversary?

i am so fuckin terrible with dates but i dont remember significantly forgetting anything recently

61.  Who’s more important: Your partner or your family?

hmm this is a hard one, you know? like… if i think about the Future, I know i probably am going to prioritize my partner over my parents, y’know? but i do adore my family a lot like my sibling is my best friend so its not like there’s a competition of LOVE. just. different kinds of love. i do hope my life goes down a path where i’m with my partner, rather than living with my mom for longer than i have to

VALENTINE’S DAY | ASK SPECIAL

#response #cryptobotaniist

[positivepsychologyinterventions]

Podcast: A Bipolar and a Schizophrenic Talk Self-Sabotage



Most of us are to blame for our failures, believe it or not. We didn’t practice enough, plan ahead, or work hard enough. If we are honest, we could have done more to succeed, but something stopped us. In this episode, our hosts discuss why people sabotage their own success and fess up to whether or not they are sabotaging their own.

  SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

“People would rather fail because they didn’t try rather than fail because they weren’t good enough.” – Gabe Howard

  Highlights From ‘Self-Sabotage’ Episode

[2:00] Do we sabotage ourselves?

[3:00] Some reasons for self-sabotage.

[6:30] Private rejection vs. public rejection.

[11:30] Failure and self-sabotage.

[17:30] As is our way, our mothers come up.

[19:00] Working hard and yet not succeeding.

[20:00] How do you stop self-sabotaging?

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘A Bipolar and a Schizophrenic Talk Self-Sabotage’ Show

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Narrator: [00:00:09] For reasons that utterly escapes everyone involved. You’re listening to a Bipolar, A Schizophrenic and A Podcast. Here are your hosts Gabe Howard and Michelle Hammer.

Gabe: [00:00:21] Welcome to A Bipolar, A Schizophrenic, And A Podcast. My name is Gabe Howard and I’m bipolar.

Michelle: [00:00:23] I’m Michelle Hammer and I’m schizophrenic.

Gabe: [00:00:26] And together we have a podcast.

Michelle: [00:00:27] That’s right we do it’s such a good one I love it so much.

Gabe: [00:00:31] I think that it is the very best podcast for mentally ill people by mentally ill people.

Michelle: [00:00:36] Me too I agree with that completely wholeheartedly.

Gabe: [00:00:38] I can’t really think of another one but I’ve noticed that since our podcast started to get popular people started showing up and saying “well I’m mentally ill and my podcast is for mentally ill people.”

Gabe: [00:00:49] And but I don’t think that’s true I think that they do live with mental illness, but I think they just had a podcast and hoped to gain an audience. Whereas we were like yes we need to create content for our community.

Michelle: [00:01:02] Our community is just underserved.

Gabe: [00:01:04] It is it’s incredibly under served. This is what I love about podcasting because it’s like such a niche thing. You know the mental health community and people who live with mental illness we are small which is good because you know thank god like everybody is not living with mental illness that would be terrible. So you know we’re never gonna be like on NBC at 8 o’clock. I mean that that’s where you get programming that appeals to like the mass markets and mass audience. So the nice thing about podcasts is we can have that little niche market. I mean some mentally ill people targeting a small group and that’s that’s why we exist. But it is sad because really we should be like super famous.

Michelle: [00:01:43] Oh yeah totally. If on self-sabotage it.

Gabe: [00:01:47] Exactly. And we have done this to ourselves with this very show on numerous occasions.

Gabe: [00:01:54] Many many many many many. Remember the time that you quit the show because you refused to talk to me for like an entire day.

Michelle: [00:02:02] When did that happen?

Gabe: [00:02:04] It happened you know like several months ago when we were at Olive Garden. You were just like I’m not making eye contact. I hope you die.

Michelle: [00:02:11] Yeah yeah I can remember that.

Gabe: [00:02:12] It was but it was incredibly awkward and we were talking about ways to make the podcast better and you got all all all all what did you get.

Michelle: [00:02:22] Quiet.

Gabe: [00:02:20] I believe but hurt is the term we’re looking for.

Michelle: [00:02:25] If you insist because you were being a dick.

Gabe: [00:02:27] How?

Michelle: [00:02:26] You said yeah this sucks and that sucks and you suck and everything’s OK.

Gabe: [00:02:34] Really. I said you suck.

Michelle: [00:02:35] Pretty much.

Gabe: [00:02:38] Ah and there is the key word when it comes to self-sabotaging behavior. It’s when we believe things to be true because they’re basically true like what you just said Michelle. You basically said you suck.

Michelle: [00:02:51] That’s not self-sabotaging behavior.

Gabe: [00:02:51] But did I actually say you suck?

Michelle: [00:02:59] Pretty much.

Gabe: [00:02:59] No not pretty much. Did the words “Michelle Hammer sucks” comes out of Gabe’s mouth.

Michelle: [00:03:05] Yes.

Gabe: [00:03:05] Liar liar liar. Now you know I’m gonna quit on the air.

Gabe: [00:03:10] Fine I resign in protest.

Narrator: [00:03:12] You’ve been listening to a schizophrenic and a podcast.

Michelle: [00:03:15] Number one reason number one for self-sabotage is when you feel like you don’t deserve to be successful. Have you ever felt like you don’t deserve to be successful? Oh, you’re gonna sit there Gabe. You just sit there and not even say anything.

Gabe: [00:03:31] You fired me.

Gabe: [00:03:33] The only reason I’m here is because we’re in my house.

Michelle: [00:03:35] Well do you see that I self sabotage this podcast.

Gabe: [00:03:42] I don’t think that your self sabotaging the podcast. I think you’re self-sabotaging yourself. Because as you pointed out in number one I think you are afraid of success.

Michelle: [00:03:51] You think so.

Gabe: [00:03:52] Yes.

Michelle: [00:03:54] Well it’s very interesting to point out because it seems like one of the biggest things about self-sabotage is the fear of trying one’s best and not succeeding.

Gabe: [00:04:04] Do you feel that you try your best.

Michelle: [00:04:07] Yes.

Gabe: [00:04:07] And when you try your best do you feel that you always succeed.

Michelle: [00:04:10] No.

Gabe: [00:04:11] And are you okay with that.

Michelle: [00:04:13] I mean it’s frustrating.

Gabe: [00:04:14] Well sure nobody said it can’t be frustrating.

Gabe: [00:04:17] I think a lot of people don’t think that they’re self-sabotaging because they think oh they’re protecting themselves or they’re giving it enough effort to work. But really self-sabotage behavior is kind of twofold. It’s one not giving something 110 percent because you think oh what’s the point it’s just going to fail anyway. And two when you get close to that success it’s also doing things like showing up late, or showing up unprepared, or to use a sports analogy, going out late the night before and eating a bunch of pizza.

Michelle: [00:04:48] I would agree with that.

Gabe: [00:04:49] Have you ever done that like before a lacrosse game like just gone out like drinking the night before.

Michelle: [00:04:54] No. We had rules.

Gabe: [00:04:55] Well but disobeying those rules would be a way of sabotaging yourself. You’d be sabotaging your success and then if you lose you can say oh I’m still the best lacrosse player. The only reason I lost is because I was drunk.

Michelle: [00:05:06] That would be really really ridiculous. And my whole team would be really really mad at me I wouldn’t do that.

Gabe: [00:05:12] So you care when your team is mad at you when you’re working on a project. Like, say a lacrosse game or a podcast.

Michelle: [00:05:20] Mm hmm. Another one. I was thinking about self-sabotage which I noticed that I did do was I looking up and said: “once in a while we self-sabotage simply to push buttons.” “We pick a fight and we incite drama to get a rush.” I would pick so many fights with my coach, so many fights. It was ridiculous. She once said to me “that she wished that I was bad at lacrosse so she could just cut me from the team.”

Gabe: [00:05:49] So you’re saying that when you respect somebody and look up to them you push their buttons so that a fight can ensue and you can not talk to them at Olive Garden.

Michelle: [00:05:58] Apparently.

Gabe: [00:06:01] That’s what I’m hearing.

Michelle: [00:06:02] I don’t know how you’re hearing that. How did we get to Olive Garden?

Gabe: [00:06:05] I guess you hurt my feelings.

Michelle: [00:06:06] You are my feelings.

Gabe: [00:06:07] You hurt my feelings.

Gabe: [00:06:08] My feelings were the most hurt.

Michelle: [00:06:10] My feelings were more hurt. Why do you think I wasn’t talking to you.

Michelle: [00:06:14] Back to self-sabotage. “It feels better to control your own failure. Then to let it blindside you.” So are you used to rejection?

Gabe: [00:06:26] I’m not. Every time I get rejected it hurts. Now I have developed some coping skills. Let’s talk about the difference between our reactions publicly and our reactions privately. And here’s why I want to touch on this. I don’t handle rejection well when people reject me. It really hurts my feelings and I get upset. I eat ice cream. I refuse to leave the house for a day. I get really really sad. My feelings get hurt. All of those things are true every single time I’ve ever lost an award a contest a contract. Anytime somebody went with a different speaker over me or a sponsor didn’t re-up whatever. I get hurt almost every single time.

Gabe: [00:07:07] But I handle it privately.

Gabe: [00:07:09] You know all joking aside to everybody Michelle was actually really good at this because I’ll wright Michelle and I’ll be like Oh my God our stats dropped and Michelle’s like “oh well we’ll get them next week” and then I don’t post on Facebook oh everybody hates us our stats dropped. And I think that’s what’s important to understand. I think that all of us are probably kind of prone to beat ourselves up privately. What I want to talk about are the people that do it publicly. We all know those people that every single time they fail or get rejected they just smear it everywhere. It’s all over social media. It’s all they talk about when you get together. They call up people and yell at them. They pick fights with their boyfriends and girlfriends just they can just never be happy because of a single rejection.

Gabe: [00:07:50] And they do it publicly. And I personally think it makes them look stupid.

Michelle: [00:07:54] I mean, I cannot stand passive aggressive Facebook statuses.

Gabe: [00:08:02] Like give me an example of one.

Michelle: [00:08:04] “One day somebody will care about me as much as I care about them.”

Gabe: [00:08:13] That’s a big one.

Michelle: [00:08:14] Yeah and obviously directed towards a person.

Gabe: [00:08:18] Yeah. That is an excellent point.

Gabe: [00:08:21] The other one is, “if you don’t see my value you’ll see me walk away.”

Michelle: [00:08:25] Or there’s the classic “don’t make someone a priority when you are just some afterthought” an afterthought or whatever it is.

Gabe: [00:08:35] Yeah it’s true.

Gabe: [00:08:36] I have seen all of these Facebook statuses on your Facebook wall.

Michelle: [00:08:39] I have never once posted a Facebook status like that.

Gabe: [00:08:43] I completely agree. You have not.

Gabe: [00:08:45] And I respect that about you and that is the thing that is really that is the professional part of our relationship as we do talk a lot about things that go on behind the scenes. But you know the olive garden thing happened literally months ago and we’re talking about it now in jest and to be funny and because it did happen and because the show relies on like real stories of our lives and problems that we have had. But I’d like to point out that the whole time that you refused to make eye contact or speak with me you weren’t like on Facebook like if he doesn’t realize that I’m half of this podcast that he can suck it.

Michelle: [00:09:20] Exactly.

Gabe: [00:09:22] Everybody would like I wonder who that’s geared at. Let’s see if she has one podcast. One co-host might be Gabe.

Michelle: [00:09:27] Might be who could she be talking about. This ginger haired man is a ginger-haired man.

Gabe: [00:09:38] Wow.

Michelle: [00:09:39] This Ginger head man being mean to me right now and I don’t like him a lot.

Gabe: [00:09:42] You know it’s mean to make fun of somebody’s physical characteristics. Big Nose.

Gabe: [00:09:49] I would never do something like that. Frizzy hair.

Gabe: [00:09:54] We’re gonna step away to hear from our sponsor and hopefully when we come back we’ll get back on track.

Narrator: [00:09:58] This episode is sponsored by betterhelp.com secure convenient and affordable online counseling. All counselors are licensed accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to betterhelp.com/PsychCentral and experience 7 days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. Betterhelp.com/PsychCentral.

Michelle: [00:10:30] Back to self-sabotage.

Michelle: [00:10:32] There’s also “perceived fraudulence and when you do something that raises your public profile you kind of feel like you only have further to fall.” I have suffered from this in my life because one day I think I realized that I have this online persona. People think I’m a cool person. I guess I don’t really think I’m that cool but maybe one day I kind of think what if people think I’m not cool and then everybody realizes I’m a big loser and nobody likes me anymore.

Gabe: [00:10:59] First off I sincerely doubt that you think you’re not cool. That’s that’s just the I’m going to call bullshit on that. You think that you are a badass. In fairness you are. You’ve accomplished quite a lot and you deserve the confidence that you have. But I think that what you are trying to explain is that you’re worried that even though you think you’re a good person and a cool person and you are capable you’re worried that people will think that you’re a fraud. And the reason that they will think you’re a fraud is because eventually, you’re going to fail. Eventually, you’re gonna have a project that doesn’t work and you’ve had projects that haven’t worked. Michelle, you pop up in New York City which is very very difficult.

Gabe: [00:11:40] I want to give you full props a lot of people think that you just sell this stuff online and the relative safety of your own home. But actually, you go out on the streets of New York City and sell your wares very publicly right?

Michelle: [00:11:53] Mm hmm.

Gabe: [00:11:55] Every time you go do you sell the same amount. Oh no. So that means that sometimes your sales are successful and profitable and sometimes even though you’re selling the exact same stuff and you’re the exact same person sometimes you lose money and you spend the whole day like for negative dollars.

Michelle: [00:12:13] That has happened. Yes yes.

Gabe: [00:12:17] Failure.

Michelle: [00:12:17] That’s how I started. I started in a deficit but now it’s getting way better with the connections that I’ve made through other places where I can pop up now in better spots for less of a price. Because when you do pop up in New York City unless you have a permit you have to pay to be at a pop-up shop in a certain place. So if you don’t make over the amount of money that you’ve paid to have your place you then lose money but then there’s also sales and then there’s revenue. Did you make more in your revenue that you’ve actually paid?

Gabe: [00:12:51] Are you explaining business to our listeners like we just became a business podcast. So we’re like Forbes for mentally ill people. Thank you Michelle for explaining business economics to our listeners.

Michelle: [00:13:05] I’ve done days where I’ve sold one shirt. I’ve done days where I’ve sold 30 shirts.

Gabe: [00:13:10] What’s the most shirts you’ve ever sold in one day?

Michelle: [00:13:15] About 30.

Gabe: [00:13:16] And what is the least number of shirts you’ve ever sold?

Michelle: [00:13:17] One.

Gabe: [00:13:18] So that that’s a world of difference.

Michelle: [00:13:21] So yes.

Gabe: [00:13:22] So even in your manufacturing enterprise it is wildly successful. I mean it really is you are. You are very successful as a designer and seller of clothes correct?

Michelle: [00:13:36] Yes.

Gabe: [00:13:37] But all days aren’t equal. So I think that sometimes people don’t look at the whole. And you know our show, for example, every single time we have an episode that goes poorly. What do I do?

Michelle: [00:13:50] You get upset.

Gabe: [00:13:51] And who do I call.

Michelle: [00:13:52] Me.

Gabe: [00:13:53] And what do you say.

Michelle: [00:13:54] Next time will be better.

Gabe: [00:13:55] Yes.

Gabe: [00:13:56] And you point out that our stats for the entire month are always great. But yeah you’ve got to have an episode that’s the worst one in a month. You’ve got to have an episode that’s the best one. They’re not all gonna be uniform. That’s impossible but it is mathematically impossible. Some shows are gonna do better than others. You always say it like that New York accent and usually mocking me. But that is the pep talk that you give me every single time. But I always tell you no no no. This is proof that people are losing interest and that it’s no longer good. And I start to just devolve very quickly into “Oh it’s gonna be over soon” and every month your right.

Michelle: [00:14:31] It goes back up.

Michelle: [00:14:33] Does those do you always try to find a scapegoat of why it failed.

Gabe: [00:14:39] I don’t try to find a scapegoat of why it fails because I do always try to find a scapegoat and I always think that it’s me and by extension of it being me I think it’s you.

Gabe: [00:14:52] So I always think it’s us because the show is just us. I don’t know that that’s a bad way to look at it though.

Gabe: [00:14:59] I mean if I’m being completely honest with myself I do take credit for the success of the show. We take credit for the success of the show and I feel very strongly that if you’re gonna take credit for something you need to take the negative. If you’re going to pat yourself on the back when you’re successful you need to take the blame for failure. And I just I really really detest people that want all the credit when things go well but they’re nowhere to be found when things go poorly.

Gabe: [00:15:28] I don’t like people like that. I don’t. I think that it’s that’s irresponsible. I will be standing at the finish line whether we win or whether we lose.

Michelle: [00:15:35] And I just believe that.

Michelle: [00:15:36] There is no I in team.

Gabe: [00:15:39] Yeah but there’s a me and an at.

Michelle: [00:15:43] What.

Gabe: [00:15:43] And meet. And a meta.

Michelle: [00:15:46] What is that supposed to mean?

Gabe: [00:15:48] Gabe is very meta.

Michelle: [00:15:50] I don’t like that word.

Gabe: [00:15:51] You don’t like meta. What is it like meta. Like a box of boxes is very meta or putting spectrums on a spectrum is very meta.

Michelle: [00:16:00] I don’t know what you’re talking about right now you’re just sabotaging this podcast.

Gabe: [00:16:04] That’s very true. Do you think that it is a form of self-sabotage. Anytime I ask you like a very personal question and instead of answering it you deflect onto something else.

Michelle: [00:16:14] I don’t think that’s sabotage. I just think that’s ignoring you.

Gabe: [00:16:18] No I’m I’m being serious.

Gabe: [00:16:20] Like for example right there it’s just you were really snarky I’m just ignoring you why. Really that’s why I’m being sincere that that’s what you want the audience to think that if Gabe asked you a question that you don’t like you just flat out ignore him. Isn’t it very passive aggressive you don’t you don’t say no thank you. You don’t change the subject you know what I mean you’re just I’m just ignoring you dick. I’m like your business.

Michelle: [00:16:41] What questions are you asking me that I’m not answering?

Gabe: [00:16:43] Do you love your mother?

Michelle: [00:16:45] Of course.

Gabe: [00:16:47] I wish we had video right now.

Gabe: [00:16:54] I actually know that you are very very fond of your mother but whenever I ask the question you always get like like I swear to God like your face turns red and some horns pop up and you’re like yes I do.

Michelle: [00:17:13] Do you love your mother?

Gabe: [00:17:14] Damn skippy she brought me into this world.

Gabe: [00:17:18] She makes me Turkey she makes those little Hershey Kiss cookies that I like but not the apple cookies that I like. She made them one year nobody liked them but me. So she’ll never make them again. That bitch I know and now she claims that she lost the recipe in the world of Google. How do you lose a recipe?

Michelle: [00:17:39] You know she’s lying to you. I think she is 100 percent. She is sabotaging Thanksgiving.

Gabe: [00:17:48] Don’t say that. Thanksgiving is way over.

Michelle: [00:17:49] Oh she is sabotaging your happiness. She is. I think that she is sabotaging my happy. You know what you could you Gabe you could just make those Apple cookies.

Gabe: [00:18:00] That is actually an excellent example right now I am upset that last Christmas my mother did not make me the cookies and I blamed her for not finding the recipe. And I blamed her for not using google to find the recipe but I am capable of finding the recipe for her and she’d probably make them. I’m capable of finding the recipe and making them myself. I’m capable of going to a bakery and just buying the damn things but instead I am sabotaging the relationship that I have with my mother by continuing to complain about something that is easily wrecked a fireball because in my mind it’s easier to be pissed off and angry and put upon than to just solve the damn problem.

Michelle: [00:18:41] Did you self sabotage when you were younger.

Gabe: [00:18:43] Yes. And I think that everybody does when they’re younger because we don’t understand the consequences yet. Hard work is hard work and working hard to get nothing is just the ultimate in depressing. It really is. We’ll go back to the sports analogy. You know how everybody says there’s no second place there’s just the first loser. I mean look. Being the second best at something in the entire world is a pretty good place to be. But I understand it.

Michelle: [00:19:10] You worked so hard and so long and you gave it everything you had and it didn’t matter.

Gabe: [00:19:19] Somebody was better than you.

Gabe: [00:19:21] My God that is devastatingly awful but I try to remember that if I didn’t give it 100% and I come in second that means if I would’ve come in first. So the whole reason I’m not standing on top of the pile is because I half-assed it and I think that’s worse in my mind self sabotaging is worse.

Gabe: [00:19:44] It’s why I put in way too much effort into any everything. You know how many people make fun of us for how much effort we put into our little podcast.

Michelle: [00:19:52] People make fun of us?

Gabe: [00:19:53] They make fun of us constantly.

Gabe: [00:19:55] Remember when we started and somebody said you will never find a sponsor ever.

Michelle: [00:19:59] Who said that?

Gabe: [00:20:00] Yeah we’re not going to out people on the show.

Michelle: [00:20:03] But well you know what they can do. Yeah.

Gabe: [00:20:08] You know they can do Michelle when you told your family that you were going to start a podcast did they ever think that it would be a money-making enterprise.

Michelle: [00:20:15] Oh absolutely not.

Gabe: [00:20:16] Yeah yeah. And is it a moneymaking enterprise.

Michelle: [00:20:19] I’m making millions.

Gabe: [00:20:21] OK. No. Now you’re just lying.

Gabe: [00:20:23] Yeah. Now exaggeration and grandiosity is going to be next week’s show.

Gabe: [00:20:29] Michelle tie this together in a bow. Why do people self-sabotage and how do we get them to stop.

Michelle: [00:20:34] I think people are just afraid of doing well because they’re afraid to fail. You’re afraid of failing then you’re just going to mess everything up when you’re doing well in high school. I was undiagnosed schizophrenic. I also had ADHD. They didn’t know about I was really bad at reading books because I had I just couldn’t concentrate on any of the books. So instead of handing in an essay that was going to be awful I just wouldn’t hand in an essay because I didn’t want the teacher to see how stupid I was. So that’s just self-sabotage right there.

Michelle: [00:21:08] I’d rather get a zero than let the teacher know that I couldn’t write because I was dumb.

Gabe: [00:21:13] You’d rather fail because you didn’t try than fail because you’re not good enough.

Michelle: [00:21:19] Exactly.

Gabe: [00:21:21] But you deprived yourself of the opportunity to get better and possibly succeed.

Michelle: [00:21:26] Well I realized this now but I did not realize this then.

Gabe: [00:21:29] But somebody did realize it for you right.

Gabe: [00:21:32] Your parents the teacher I mean somebody corrected this you are a woman who knows how to read and graduated from college and you are quite successful. So I refuse to believe that you went through your entire school career doing no homework turning nothing in and getting all zeros. So somebody fixed this.

Michelle: [00:21:47] I do the easy stuff. I mean I could read the short books but if you put a gigantic book in front of me and tell me to read it I’m going to have a panic attack.

Gabe: [00:21:55] What if I take a gigantic book and I cut it into like four hundred little books. Then could you read it.

Michelle: [00:22:01] No. I read a book and I constantly check how many pages I have left.

Gabe: [00:22:08] How does that help?

Michelle: [00:22:08] It doesn’t get I just get so overwhelmed when I’m reading books.

Gabe: [00:22:14] Still.

Michelle: [00:22:15] Yes.

Gabe: [00:22:16] How do you make it through college?

Michelle: [00:22:16] I was an art major Gabe.

Gabe: [00:22:20] That’s fair. I forgot. The only thing lower than an art major.

Michelle: [00:22:25] A gym teacher.

Gabe: [00:22:27] No. Somebody who plays sports.

Michelle: [00:22:32] You know sports is not a major.

Gabe: [00:22:33] Isn’t it.

Michelle: [00:22:35] It’s not.

Gabe: [00:22:36] Isn’t it.

Michelle: [00:22:36] It’s you can’t graduate with a sports degree.

Gabe: [00:22:39] What about all those all those college football players where do they end up.

Michelle: [00:22:44] To conclude Gabe stop being afraid of success.

Michelle: [00:22:49] Don’t be afraid to fail, strive for the stars because if you fall at least you land on the treetops. A soccer coach used to tell me that over and over again.

Michelle: [00:23:02] And that’s why you switched to lacrosse.

Michelle: [00:23:05] Yes.

Gabe: [00:23:07] Thank you, everybody, for tuning into this week’s episode of a bipolar schizophrenic and a podcast. My name is Gabe Howard and with me as always is Michelle Hammer. Remember you can head over to store.PsychCentral.com and buy the official define normal shirt which supports the show. Send us your topic ideas to [email protected]. Remember to leave a comment.

Gabe: [00:23:34] Everywhere you see these comments really really help us leave us a five-star review. Pass this on to your friend. Don’t let our show die otherwise. Michelle and I will just continue to fight.

Narrator: [00:23:51] You’ve been listening to a bipolar schizophrenic podcast. If you love this episode don’t keep it to yourself head over to eye tunes or your preferred podcast app to subscribe rate and review. To work with Gabe go to GabeHoward.com. To Work with Michelle go to Schizophrenic.NYC. For free mental health resources and online support groups. Head over to PsychCentral.com. Show’s official Website PsychCentral.com/BSP you can e-mail us a [email protected]. Thank you for listening and share widely.

Meet Your Bipolar and Schizophrenic Hosts

GABE HOWARD was formally diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders after being committed to a psychiatric hospital in 2003. Now in recovery, Gabe is a prominent mental health activist and host of the award-winning Psych Central Show podcast. He is also an award-winning writer and speaker, traveling nationally to share the humorous, yet educational, story of his bipolar life. To work with Gabe, visit gabehoward.com.

  MICHELLE HAMMER was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 22, but incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18. Michelle is an award-winning mental health advocate who has been featured in press all over the world. In May 2015, Michelle founded the company Schizophrenic.NYC, a mental health clothing line, with the mission of reducing stigma by starting conversations about mental health. She is a firm believer that confidence can get you anywhere. To work with Michelle, visit Schizophrenic.NYC.

from World of Psychology http://bit.ly/2Cnw4qT via IFTTT

#IFTTT #World of Psychology