#i was not expecting how much i would cry over JC do you understand i think i bawled my eyes out | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jiangwanyinscatmom · 2 years

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fellow jc stan!! i feel like there was so much potential in chengxian bc they both cared for each other a lot. the person you loved the most hurting you n betraying you the most, but the love and genuine care is still there and with communication it's possible for it to bloom into something beautiful. imagine if chengxian were allowed that ending too where they're given a chance to know and SEE just HOW much they BOTH care for eachother and settle their differences.

Well then... I suppose I'll take these as my starting point of why Jiang Cheng did not care enough for their friendship to last, so here we go,

Jiang Cheng's capacity for love is not enough nor is it healthy for the people he is supposed to love, it does not make him commendable and is the vice around someone's neck that Wei Wuxian speaks of. When someone reaches out to comfort him, he makes it worse for himself because he views it as pity only. He does not know how to express affection or receive it.

They did communicate finally about it, this is what happened when it was revealed and Jiang Cheng confronted the truth like this:

Jiang Cheng covered his wound with one hand, his voice chilly, “Wei Wuxian, you’re such a wonderful, selfless person. You did the unimaginable, and you swallowed all that suffering letting no one know. What a touching story. I should kneel down and cry in gratitude now, shouldn't I?"

Hearing that mocking voice that lacked any courtesy, Lan Wangji's face turned icy. Jin Ling saw the displeased look and immediately stood in front of Jiang Cheng, terrified that Lan WangJi would kill him in one strike, “Jiujiu!"

Wei Wuxian's expression twisted too. He never expected Jiang Cheng to want to welcome him after he found out the truth, but he didn’t think his tone would be the same as ever, either. After a moment of silence, he replied, voice hushed, “I never asked you to thank me.”

Jiang Cheng let out a hah, “Of course. Giving without ever gaining or expecting in return. How commendable, Unlike me, of course. That's why my father said you were always the one who understood the Jiang Sect’s motto and did things the Jiang way, when he was still alive.”

Wei Wuxian couldn’t keep listening to him any longer, interrupting him, “Enough.”

Jiang Cheng’s voice turned hard, “What do you mean, enough? It’s enough when you say it is? You always know everything! You’re better than me at everything! Whether it be talent or cultivation or spirituality or personality, you always knew everything while I was always behind—then what am I?!?!”

He suddenly reached out, as if to seize Wei Wuxian's collar. Lan Wangji grabbed Wei WuXian’s shoulder with one hand, placing Wei Wuxian behind him, and with his other hand he forcefully pushed away Jiang Cheng’s hand. Rage could be seen hidden within his eyes. Although his push held no spiritual energy, it was still powerful in force. The wound at Jiang Cheng’s chest ripped apart again. Blood surged.

Jin Ling cried, “Jijui, your wound! HanGuang-Jun, spare some mercy!”

However, Lan Wangji's i’s voice was cold, “Jiang Wanyin, spare some virtue!”

This is not him lamenting over what Wei Wuxian sacrificed for Jiang Cheng. He is mocking it because he is that angry that because of this he can not continue to act like Wei Wuxian gave nothing to the Yunmeng Jiang he owes it to Wei Wuxian that he has his life.

He hates that he does owe Wei Wuxian the courtesy of finally having to give merit to Wei Wuxian. He is jealous as always, that Wei Wuxian chose to he kind when he gains nothing. He doesn't understand doing that sort of will without a pay back. It is exactly the same as the way he could not agree with Jiang Fengmian about leaving their allies to die because it would make things harder on him personally, morality wasn't a thing he was worried about and agreed with Yu Ziyuan that them dying would have been easier.

“Wei Wuxian, who was the one who broke his promise and betrayed the Jiang Sect first? Tell me. Who said I’d be the sect leader and you’d be my subordinate, that you’d help me your whole life, that so long as the Gusu Lan Sect had its Two Jades, the Yunmeng Jiang Sect would have its Two Prides, that you’d never betray me or betray the Jiang Sect—who was the one that said this?! I’m asking you—who was the one that said all of this?! Did you eat all your fucking words?!”

He got more agitated as he ranted on, “And in the end? You go and protect outsiders, haha! The Wen Sect’s people, even. How much of their rice did you eat?! Defecting with such conviction! What did you take our sect to be?! You always do the greatest feats, yet every time you make it worse, it’s involuntary! Forced! With some unspeakable grievances! Grievances?! You told me nothing, you played me for a fool!!!

“Just how much do you owe the Jiang Sect? Am I not supposed to hate you? Can I not hate you?! Why is it that now it’s like I’m supposed to have been the one who wronged you?! Why do I have to feel like I’m playing the fucking clown all these years?! What am I? Do I also need to be blinded by all your dazzling splendor?! Am I not supposed to hate you?!”

In all if this, he does admit, not once, did he actually think of the toils it had on Wei Wuxian. Why would he? He has learned not to think deeply on why, Wei Wuxian is always a nuisance that has made Jiang Cheng's life harder, he does not think in terms of outside of what it does to him. He still puts it in terms of what Wei Wuxian owed to the life Yunmeng Jiang had given to him. And, with the core giving, Wei Wuxian quiet literally, handed that life back to Jiang Cheng. He has been paid back ten-fold in his very black and white thinking. Emotions be damned, as he was taught.

Jiang Cheng was crying. Tears poured from his eyes as he forced through his teeth, “… Why… Why didn’t you tell me?!”

Jiang Cheng clenched his fist, like he wanted to hit someone, like he wanted to hit himself. In the end, he still slammed it onto the ground. He should’ve been able to loathe Wei Wuxian without a care. But right now, the golden core revolving within him took away all that confidence.

Why didn't you tell me so I don't have to be the fool and be the actual antagonist for you. Wei Wuxian hiding it actually ruins Jiang Cheng's act of saving face, he was commended on that, all while for thirteen years he was a literal joke for ruining Wei Wuxian because Wei Wuxian was too kind to destroy Jiang Cheng's fragile ego. He is made, finally, to feel guilt about the horrors and cruelty he has flung at Wei Wuxian, who kept silent about it because Jiang Cheng is a brat.

In none of this, is love spoken of or hinted at. It is cowed in the terms of owed debts that Jiang Cheng used against Wei Wuxian. And for Wei Wuxian he mentions as well the promise of protection he made to the Jiang couple.

Jiang Cheng shook his head, burying his face deep into his palms. A second later, he suddenly burst out with a laugh. His muffled voice mocked, “It’s been this long, and I still need you to say sorry to me. What a fragile person I am.”

I still need you to shoulder the blames I put on you so I do not have to see myself as in the wrong for my thinking, in other words. It was never about love, it was about scapegoats. He is made to see that he is not infallible and his facade of being so hurt by Wei Wuxian blows up in his face.

If he told Wei Wuxian what he did, of course Wei Wuxian would "pay it back". There is no love at that point when it is going through the motions of weighing life debt. And Jiang Cheng in a single moment of clarity, breaks that cycle between them for the better.

#mdzs #mo dao zu shi #canon jiang cheng #don't ruin his single moment of being unselfish finally #for a reconciliation that is built on debt #it could never be anything but that between these two #it's too ingrained to be anything else #and neither respect the other for who they are

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no--envies · 3 years

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For most of his life, JC considered himself a victim. He thought his father disliked him and preferred WWX; he blamed WWX for everything bad in his life, from the fall of Lotus Pier to his sister’s death, and took WWX’s defection from the Jiang Sect as a personal betrayal. For thirteen years, JC felt entitled to hate WWX and kept venting his own anger and hatred on every demonic cultivator he met. After WWX came back, he still tried to use him as a scapegoat to avoid reflecting on his own faults.

It took something as extreme as the golden core reveal to make him realize how much he had wronged WWX: not only had WWX long since repaid his debt to the Jiang Sect, but the fact that he made such a huge sacrifice without telling anyone was the ultimate, irrefutable proof of WWX’s greatness.

After realizing this, JC couldn’t hate WWX anymore, but he still didn’t want to let go of his hatred, because otherwise everything he had done until that moment would make him look like a clown at best and a horrible person at worst. This is why his rant in the Guanyin Temple was so full of venom. JC wasn’t ready to reflect on his own mistakes and flaws, so he took all of his frustration out on WWX, who didn’t deserve any of his harsh words. In his rant, JC brought up everything he couldn’t stand about the situation: how WWX was such a great person and had always been better than him at everything, even though JC was supposed to be the heir; how he had brought ruin to the Jiang Sect and everyone from JC’s family, leaving only an orphaned JL; how he had broken his promise to be his right-hand man and had defected to protect outsiders, people whom in JC’s opinion WWX didn’t owe as much as he owed to the Jiang Sect.

After this outburst full of bitterness and resentment, we see JC have his first real moment of self-reflection in the whole novel:

Jiang Cheng cried soundlessly, but tears had already streaked across his face. To cry in such an unsightly way in front of others was almost impossible for him in the past. But every single moment that passed from now on, as long as the golden core remained in his body, as long as it could still revolve, he’d forever remember this feeling.

He choked, “… You said I’d be the sect leader and you’d be my subordinate, you said you’d help me your whole life, you said you’d never betray the YunmengJiang Sect… You said so yourself.”

“…” After a moment of silence, Wei WuXian replied, “I’m sorry. I broke my promise.”

Jiang Cheng shook his head, burying his face deep into his palms. A second later, he suddenly burst out with a laugh. His muffled voice mocked, “It’s such a time already, and I still need you to say sorry to me. What a fragile person I am.”

(Chapter 102)

Sect Leader Jiang’s words were eternally tainted with mockery. But this time, whom he mocked was no one but himself.

Suddenly, he said, “I’m sorry.”

Wei WuXian hesitated, “… You don’t need to say sorry.”

At this point, it was impossible to figure out who should apologize to whom.

Wei WuXian continued, “Take it as my repayment to the Jiang Sect.”

Jiang Cheng looked up. He looked at him with teary, bloodshot eyes, and a hoarse voice, “… Repayment to my father, my mother, my sister?”

Wei WuXian pressed his temples, “Forget it. It’s all in the past now. Let’s not mention it again.”

(Chapter 103)

This is the first and only time we see JC apologize to someone. He even admits that his need to hear WWX say sorry to him after so long makes him a fragile person. JC doesn’t want to feel guilty, he’s too proud to fully admit his faults. This is why he keeps bringing up old debts and promises: it’s the only way for him to keep holding onto the illusion of being a victim. JC knows deep down that the golden core transfer was an immense sacrifice and that now he can no longer hold WWX responsible for everything he has always accused him of, but he struggles to accept it. In this moment, it’s easier for JC to see WWX’s sacrifice as a repayment or as a form of redemption. WWX knows JC very well and doesn’t want him to keep ruminating on this for the rest of his life, because that would only make him more unhappy and bitter. Making JC feel guilty is not the reason WWX gave him his golden core in the first place. He made such a huge sacrifice as an act of true selflessness: to save JC’s life and repay his debt to the Jiang Sect, without expecting anything in return.

Wei WuXian, “Uh, I think it’s best if you… also stop keeping it on your mind. I know you’ll definitely always keep it on your mind, but, how should I say it…” He clenched Lan WangJi’s hand, saying to Jiang Cheng, “Right now, I do really think… it’s all in the past. It’s been too long. There’s no need to struggle with it any longer.”

Jiang Cheng wiped his face roughly, drying his tears. He took in a deep breath and closed his eyes.

(Chapter 103)

At the end of the whole confrontation in the Guanyin Temple, JC finally stops using WWX as a scapegoat. He understands that he can’t hold WWX to old debts anymore, that WWX has a new life now and owes nothing to JC. This is why he gives him back Chenqing and doesn’t follow him outside the Guanyin Temple: after an entire lifetime of holding onto his grudges, JC finally starts letting go of some of them and recognizes that he and WWX should leave the past in the past and move on, “each to their own sect”.

Wei WuXian took the flute. Remembering that Jiang Cheng was the one who brought it, he turned over there and commented casually, “Thanks.” He waved Chenqing, “I’ll… be keeping this?”

Jiang Cheng glanced at him, “It was yours in the first place.”

After a moment of hesitation, his lips moved slightly, as though he wanted to say something else. However, Wei WuXian had already turned to Lan WangJi. Seeing this, Jiang Cheng remained silent.

[...]

Jin Ling exclaimed, “You let them go just like that?”

Jiang Cheng mocked, “Or else? Have them stay for dinner? Say thank you and sorry after the meal?”

Jin Ling began to simmer, pointing at him, “No wonder he wanted to go. It’s all because of that attitude of yours! Why are you so annoying, Uncle?!”

Hearing this, Jiang Cheng raised his hand with glaring eyes, scolding, “Is this how you talk to someone older than you? You asking to be beaten up?!”

Jin Ling shrunk back. Fairy tucked in its tail as well. Yet Jiang Cheng’s slap never landed at the back of his head. Instead, it was retracted powerlessly.

He spoke, irritated, “Shut up. Jin Ling. Shut up. We’re going back. Each to their own sect.”

(Chapter 110)

#mdzs #mdzs meta #jiang cheng #wei wuxian #character analysis

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plan-d-to-i · 2 years

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JC stans want him to be WWX so badly that it's embarrassing.

They take away from WWX whatever good qualities he has (which are not Just a few), label him as "morally gray", "insecure" and " a attention seeker".

Then they take all these good qualities and paint them as JC's without even an ounce of shame.

They find a way to make a torturer seem welcoming, an abuser be portrayed as kind, an egotist be called a good leader, and a homophobe be LGBTQ+

Heck they took LXC by the hair and dragged him into the illusory shipp that is Xicheng just because they wanted JC to have a caring Lan husband like WWX has LWJ.

Clown behavior.

You spoke nothing but facts. Their Wei Wuxian "metas" are like: "WWX was such an arrogant, prideful, drunkard full of rage in your face gay who put his pOor bRother through so muCh >:-//". cool cool cool... why the hell are you reading this story?!!! Nothing hits quite like taking the homophobic dude and trying to slap a color themed lgbtqa+ label on him so you can excuse his homophobia towards the canonically gay couple eh...!?!!

jiang cheng also serves as such a clear foil to WangXian, people who try to act like there are different ways to interpret him are really missing the point of the narrative entirely. He exists to contrast and throw into sharp relief their qualities, which he does, very well with how clearly they are absent in him. If his stans want someone to compare to jiang cheng they should look to Xue Yang. Although at least Xue Yang is terrifyingly, terribly talented as opposed to jiang cheng who was just born with a silver spoon. Their thinking is eerily similar.

Xue Yang asked in reply, “Then why did you stop me? Why did you hinder what I wanted to do? Why did you stand up for those dregs of the Chang Clan? You wanted to help Chang CiAn? Or Chang Ping? Hahahaha...

He laughed bitterly, “Xiao XingChen, this is why I hate you. The people that I hate the most are ones like you who say they’re righteous, who think they’re virtuous, precisely stupid, naive, dumb idiots like you who think the world’s better just because you did something good! You think I’m disgusting? Very well. Would I care if anybody thinks I’m disgusting? But, on the other hand, are you in a position to be disgusted by me?”...

“Saving the world! What a joke. You can’t even save yourself!" (chapter 41)

“Jiang Cheng, “… All for the Wen Clan…? Wei WuXian, do you have a savior complex? Is it that you’ll die if you don’t stand up for someone and stir up some trouble?”...

“…” Jiang Cheng murmured, “My mom said that you do nothing but bring our sect trouble. It’s true indeed.” He laughed coldly, talking to himself, “‘To attempt the impossible’? Fine. You understand the YunmengJiang Sect’s motto. Better than I do. Better than all of us do.” (chapter 73)

"Wei WuXian, you're such a great, selfless person. You did the best things possible, and you swallowed all the suffering and didn't let anyone know. What a touching story. I should kneel down and cry in gratitude, shouldn't I?"...

Jiang Cheng let out a hah, "Of course. Giving without expecting anything in return. What a high level. Unlike me, of course."...

“He got more agitated as he ranted on, “And in the end? You go and protect outsiders, haha! The Wen Clan’s people, even. How much of their rice did you eat?! Defecting with such resolution! What did you take our sect to be?! You did all the best things, yet every time you do the worst ones, it’s involuntary! Forced! With some unspeakable grievances! Grievances?!” (Chapter 102)

Also vastly hilarious, this moment from the Lan bros featuring the most polite shut the fuck up in the cultivation world issued by LXC :

“However, Lan WangJi’s voice was cold, “Jiang WanYin, spare some virtue!”

Lan XiChen took off his outer robe and lay it over the shivering Nie HuaiSang, “Sect Leader Jiang, please do not be so agitated. Your injury will worsen.” (Chapter 102)

lolololololol

#mdzs #answers #Wei Wuxian #Lan Wangji #Xue Yang #jiang cheng #Lan Xichen

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canary3d-obsessed · 4 years

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Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 07 part two

(Masterpost)

Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes!

Lantern Lighting

Now we have the famous lantern scene, where everybody gets to express their character and have dates, ranging from disastrous to delightful, with the objects of their affection.

Wei Wuxian continues to be ridiculously good at drawing.

We’ve all seen Lan Wangji’s lovely first smile in the show a million times, so...let’s look at it again!

This scene is important not just because of the smile, but because there’s a distinct shift in the way they talk about their growing relationship. In the pond, it was “come visit me” and “never!” “I want to be your friend” “No need.” Basically Lan Wangji firmly saying no to Wei Wuxian’s offers of friendship.

This time, Wei Wuxian says “let’s do this together” and Lan Wangji says “I’m used to being alone,” which is not actually a No, just an explanation. And WWX says, you can change that. And then Lan Wangji DOES change it, sharing the lantern and the promise with Wei Wuxian.

Whoever painted this flower is even better than Wei Wuxian at plein air painting.

(more after the cut!)

Everybody’s wishes

Nie Huasang makes a practical wish. Wen Qing prays for her brother and Jiang Cheng notices how she’s like Yanli. Jiang Cheng isn’t very intense about Wen Qing, which could be a sign of his shyness but could also be a sign of his gayness or aceness. After all, later in life he’s an apparently wealthy clan leader who is hot as fuck, and needs an heir, since his nephew is a Jin. But he’s still not married, 16 years after breaking up with and uh, helping to kill and cremate, the girl he liked in summer school.

The Promise We Made Together

Wei Wuxian makes an ultra-idealistic wish/promise while Lan Wangji watches and falls the rest of the way in love with him, and silently makes the same pledge inside his head. Later they will each refer to this as a promise they made together, which is a really super high level of face-reading by Wei Wuxian, to understand that he really is speaking for both of them here. While making this promise, Lan Wangji brings out his Yin Iron Magic Bag and waves it around in front of everyone, but nobody notices.

Let’s take a moment to consider *why* this moment is so powerful for Lan Wangji. Lan Wangji is a boy whose emotions are always on the boil. He’s 100% upset all the time, at this age, and he keeps it clamped down all the time. His cultivation level is probably as high as it is partly because of all the work he does in emotion regulation. (note: if you haven’t read all the meta at @howpeacefulislwj , go read it; it’s awesome and hilarious)

Wei Wuxian doesn’t GAF about emotion regulation; he just expresses what he feels, all the damn time.

He is openly bored, lusty, playful, hungry, whiny. He straight up tells Lan Wangji “you’re boring and you have a stick up your ass” as part of saying he wants to be friends; no deference and also no falseness.

And he can see right through Lan Wangji’s reserve, barging into his loneliness and isolation without any regard for all of his wards. Wards are made to be broken.

(Unrelated note: Young Lan Wangji's rare moments of contentment seem to come from looking at something beautiful--the moon, falling petals, these lanterns, his mirror.)

But Wei Wuxian is also good. Lan Wangji desperately wants to be good. And here’s Wei Wuxian embodying this awful, amazing, tempting alternative path, in which all the interesting things in life get explored thoroughly, all the sweetness and beauty gets consumed unreservedly, all the pain and ugliness gets confronted and endured without hesitation.

In this moment, Wei Wuxian tells Lan Wangji “you can change,” and then offers up this prayer/promise that is just pure chivarly, speaking straight to Lan Wangji’s heart. Very simply, I want to spend my life doing right. Not 3500 rules; just one.

This infuriating boy, who breaks rules and who flirts indiscriminately and who pushes and pushes and pushes, reveals himself in this moment to be a hero at the beginning of his journey, and Lan Wangji sees it, and his heart goes right over the cliff.

The Girls’ Room

The girl cultivators all rush over to Yanli to get in her business about her betrothal, inspiring Jin Zixuan to act like a jerk to her and get even further onto Wei Wuxian’s bad side.

Talk Shit, Get Hit

Yanli’s wish was that Wei Wuxian would grow up and be good. He promptly launches his own personal Sunshot campaign, punching her fiancee so hard that the sun falls out of the sky and the previously well-lit scene transitions to full night.

So, in English, “don’t mention it again” is really mild, akin to “I don’t want to talk about it.” Wei Wuxian’s reaction makes it seem like Jin Zixuan said something really shitty, like “don’t you dare mention that woman to me!” So I’m assuming something is being lost in translation.

Lan Wangji tries to calm him down. He grabs Wei Wuxian’s sexy arm muscle and basically holds it until the Jiangs exit the scene.

Nie Huaisang has placed himself between the opposing factions, which is unusually direct of him. In the future he’ll stick to being an unindicted co-conspirator when Wei Wuxian starts trouble.

Ants in my Pants

Lan Wangji thinks kneeling can make Wei Wuxian cry, which is adorable of him.

He really relishes this opportunity to be a pedantic tool to his new boyfriend that annoying boy he hardly ever touches, and it really doesn’t work out for him, poor lamb.

Jiang Fengmian stops by to show exactly how deep his affection for Wei Wuxian runs, and to give him whiplash from constantly changing parental expectations. In a couple of hours he’ll be laughing over WWX & JC’s hijinks.

Wei Wuxian takes this opportunity to fantasize about bad things happening to the other boy in the fight, which is in no way foreshadowing of anything.

Douche Dads Conference

We now convene this meeting of the douchebag council. Jiang Cheng is also invited even though he’s a prick, not a douche. <--important distinction

This is our first time meeting Clan Leader Jin Guangshan. He's actually the most sensible and best parent in this scene, but his smug self-satisfaction hints at his true nature. This actor, Shen Xiaohai, has been active in cdramas for a long while now. I wonder what he looked like 15 years ago?

...Holy mother of god.

Jiang Fengmian is the worst dad and the worst husband here. His clan believes in letting children do what they want - uhh YOUR child wants to marry Jin Zixuan. “I wrote a letter to her mother, who arranged this marriage.” Uhhh she arranged for her sickly, low-cultivation-level, sweet and vulnerable child to marry the heir of a rich and powerful clan, with a powerful mother-in-law who’s looking forward to loving and protecting her. Basically she’s guaranteed her daughter’s safety and comfort, and even potential happiness, since her husband may learn to appreciate her (and in fact, does, thanks to soup and repeated beatings from WWX).

Mom worked hard and probably spent a fair amount of social capital to achieve this. And you’re going to toss that aside because the boy thinks he’s too good for her? What the everloving fuck, how are you a clan leader in the first place?

You can see that Jiang Cheng understands all of this and what a terrible choice his father is making here.

So do the other adults in the room.

Jin Guangshen: our wives are going to kill us

Lan Qiren: I'm looking at a couple of dead men

Jiang Fengmian pointedly won’t listen to Jiang Cheng or let him speak, showing that all his talk about being free is actually bullshit, that only applies to other people’s children.

Jiang Chang vaults off of the deck to tell Wei Wuxian about it. Hottt

Sorry Sis

Wei Wuxian goes to Jiang Yanli to sorta-apologize and sorta ask to be let off the hook for fucking up her engagement, which he absolutely did. He knows it, which is presumably why he bows to her in paperman form while hiding outside.

At no time has Jiang Yanli indicated to anyone that she doesn’t want to marry Jin Zixuan, as far as I can see, or said she wanted to be defended from insults with punching. Look how good SHE is at defending a person from insults, for comparison.

Yin Iron Blah Blah Blah

The senior Lans meet with Jiang Fengmian to talk about the Yawn Yin Iron. Yawn.

Jiang Fengmian addresses Lan Xichen as Lan Gongzi, which is adorable, since he is a big boy to everyone else. His family calls him Xichen and other people call him Zewu-Jun.

Farewell and Fuck You

The three Jiang kids come to say goodbye.

Lan Quiren says goodbye with a heap of criticism for Wei Wuxian and the horse he rode in on, and Jiang Fengmian basically says, yep, that’s what he’s like, all right.

Good thing Wei Ying gets so much verbal abuse at home he doesn’t take it very hard when he finds it in the field.

Wangji doesn’t say goodbye properly, which will be a recurring theme for the two of them.

I don’t know if this is because he has a problem with goodbyes, or is just being a jerk, or because he’s so bad at lying he doesn’t dare talk to Wei Wuxian lest he reveal his travel plans.

Indulgent Dad Continues to be the Worst

Jiang Cheng complains at Wei Wuxian for wanting to say goodbye to Lan Wangji, and WWX says he likes him because he is equal to WWX in fighting, whereas JC sucks. JC hits him tries to hit him--gosh, he DOES suck, comparatively.

Yanli, who has been keeping these boys in line all summer, sighs deeply at her Dad’s tolerance for their hijinks. OP has five brothers and this sibling-hijinks behavior is 100% accurate, except for the part where it is happening at someone else’s house in front of the hosts.

WWX pretending to be Lan Qiren where Lan Wangji can see him doing it, in front of Lan Qiren’s colleague and supposed friend, and just earning a laugh from the patriarch? Good lord. Dad Jiang tolerating this is shocking, particularly in the in-show culture where corporal punishment is as common as tea.

We’ve tried Nothing, and we’re all out of ideas!

Uggghh why are you like this?

Here in the real world, OP uses “positive discipline” with her child, and encourages other parents to consider it, particularly if your child is neuroatypical or asynchronous. That said, JF should be punishing the crap out of both boys for this behavior every time it happens, or should quit being a clan leader. He’s relying on Jiang Yanli to keep them in line while he gets to just be amused by them. And he’s letting Lan Qiren discipline Wei Wuxian instead of doing it himself. He suuuuuuucks.

Lan Wangji watches all of this. Lan Xichen reminds Lan Wangji that without Wei Wuxian, he’s completely fucking miserable. Lan Wangji still doesn’t plan to bring him along on his trip, though.

Time to return to our lives of crushing loneliness

Rabbits

At this same moment when Lan Wangji is staring down the barrel of future loneliness, Wei Wuxian is already deciding to leave the (forbidden) rabbits in Cloud Recesses “In case Lan Zhan gets lonely.” This small decision by Wei Wuxian - breaking the rules of Cloud Recesses for the millionth time - is kinder than he knows. Because what is the job of these rabbits? Let’s have a desaturated flashback.

Lan Zhan spent 3 years in the ice cave. The rabbits kept Lan Yi company in the ice cave. So...did the rabbits sneak in to keep Lan Wangji company in the ice cave as well? I’m going to say yes. By ep 43 they are following him to the gate of Cloud Recesses so they are very attached to him. Well done, Wei Ying.

Where my bitches at? Seriously, our warren needs bitches

(Is Watership Down still a thing people read? If not, just go ahead and assume all of OP’s rabbit jokes are about Watership Down because OP ain’t going to stop making them)

While Wei Wuxian annoys the bunny he has a flashback to the scene that happened 4 minutes earlier. The Untamed editors assume the viewership has the attention span of a goldfish, and I personally appreciate that they understand me so well.

Wei Wuxian figures out that Lan Wangji is going on the road alone, and tells the bunny immediately. The bunny is very concerned.

Writing Prompt: What do next-generation cultivators Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi wish for at lantern-lighting time?

#fytheuntamed #the untamed #wangxian #the untamed gifs #cdrama #chen qing ling #restless rewatch the untamed #canary3d-original #my gifs #the untamed spoilers

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bloody-bee-tea · 3 years

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JC Love Month 2020 Day 9

Mystery Talent

Day 9 of JC Love Month brings more JC living at the Nie's from Day 1 and Day 5 and it shows that they are so very good to him when JC picks up a long forgotten hobby because he feels secure enough with them to do so.

Nie Mingjue doesn’t know what he expected when he first took Jiang Cheng in but it certainly wasn’t to be cornered by Jiang Yanli of all people.

“Listen,” she says and fixes him with a glare that actually makes Nie Mingjue straighten up more than he already is.

“I’m listening,” he says seriously and wishes that Nie Huaisang would be subjected to this as well.

He was the one who first raised the idea that they should take in Jiang Cheng after all. He should get this version of the shovel talk as well.

“If you hurt my brother, I’ll know,” she tells him and he nods, because he doesn’t doubt it for a moment.

It’s the curse of the elder siblings to always know when the younger ones are hurt.

“I promise to take good care of him,” Nie Mingjue vows and he thinks they are already on a good way.

Jiang Cheng’s birthday was a success and he seems more comfortable in their home with every day that passes.

Nie Mingjue knows that they have to make up for years and years of a shitty family life, but they are damn well going to try.

They managed to make Mo Xuanyu feel like family, and he was near suicidal by the time he got to them, so they should be able to do the same for Jiang Cheng.

Nie Mingjue startles slightly when Wei Wuxian suddenly appears behind Jiang Yanli, only nodding along but not actually saying anything, and it’s more disconcerting than Nie Mingjue wants to admit.

“If he calls us because he’s unhappy here, you’re going to regret it,” Jiang Yanli says, and while Nie Mingjue would normally laugh at a threat like that—because really, what is Jiang Yanli ever going to do to him—he nods.

This is a serious threat and Nie Mingjue has no doubt that she will channel immeasurable amounts of strength simply to kill him if he should hurt Jiang Cheng. Wei Wuxian is probably going to hold her flower, if Nie Mingjue were to steal from Nie Huaisang’s meme talk, cheering her on and not otherwise lifting a finger.

It’s good to see that Jiang Cheng has his siblings standing up for him like that.

“I will make sure that he never has reason to call you out of grief,” Nie Mingjue tells her and Jiang Yanli’s face softens, just the slightest bit.

“Good. And if you should ever see him bake, you’re going to call me immediately,” she then says, even more serious than she was before and Nie Mingjue frowns. “And I mean immediately. If you stumble upon him in the middle of the night baking then you’re going to call me that very same instant.”

Wei Wuxian nods behind her, just as intense as his sister and even though it’s a mystery to Nie Mingjue why Jiang Cheng baking should be cause enough to call them no matter the time, he nods again.

If they want him to call, then he will, especially if it holds some significance for Jiang Cheng to bake.

“Do I dare ask why?” Nie Mingjue wants to know and Jiang Yanli gives him a very sweet smile, that already tells him the answer.

“No,” she still says and Nie Mingjue sighs.

Fine then. He’ll just wait and see what’s going to happen.

~*~*~

A lot is going to happen, it turns out. First and most notable, Nie Mingjue thinks, is the fact that for the very first time it’s Jiang Cheng who drags Nie Huaisang into the room.

It’s making Nie Mingjue anxious because so far Jiang Cheng has never willingly used the room—he has always been dragged off by Nie Huaisang and came back out crying more often than not—and so Nie Mingjue paces in front of the closed door for the entire time they are in there.

“You need to relax,” Mo Xuanyu suddenly says from his side and Nie Mingjue almost startles.

He didn’t notice him there.

“I know, I know,” Nie Mingjue absentmindedly says, keeping his eyes on the still closed door, at least right until Mo Xuanyu steps in front of him and pulls his face down so he’s looking at Mo Xuanyu instead.

“Mingjue,” he says and Nie Mingjue sags where he stands.

“I know,” he says again, much softer this time, but he can’t help but to worry.

“He’s doing fine,” Mo Xuanyu tells him and then simply throws himself at Nie Mingjue, who catches him easily, because Mo Xuanyu has been with them for long enough for Nie Mingjue to expect this.

“Is he?” Nie Mingjue asks and Mo Xuanyu slaps his back.

“I know you’re stupid, but you’re not actually that stupid. Of course he’s doing fine. This is a good sign. It’s him expressing his emotions, and that’s always good. Remember the first time I used the room?” Mo Xuanyu asks him and Nie Mingjue tightens his arms around Mo Xuanyu at the memory.

“Yes,” he says, because he does.

Mo Xuanyu dragged him into the room and he had started with begging him to not kick him out for this, and only when Nie Mingjue had told him that would never happen did Mo Xuanyu yell at him for a good five minutes about how stupid Nie Mingjue was being by trusting Jin Guangshan even the slightest bit, and be it just in a work-relationship.

When he had been done, Mo Xuanyu broke down crying—mostly out of relief to get it all off his chest—but the sight had still hurt Nie Mingjue.

“It was a good moment,” Mo Xuanyu reminds him and Nie Mingjue shrugs.

“Doesn’t make it easier to see you cry,” he admits, because he hates when any of the others cry.

Nie Huaisang mostly learned to wield his tears like a weapon, but there are times when they are real and that’s always bad for Nie Mingjue’s own feelings. Mo Xuanyu mostly doesn’t cry at all anymore, deciding to smile his hurt away, but that, too, is painful to watch.

At the moment it’s mostly Jiang Cheng who cries though, and it makes the other three weepy too, because he cries at the most normal things like a hug or the reassurance that he’s loved.

That’s very hard to take for Nie Mingjue.

“It’s why I stopped,” Mo Xuanyu says and pulls away.

“Seeing you smile when you’re hurt isn’t that much easier, Xuanyu,” Nie Mingjue tells him and flicks his forehead and he’s not at all surprised when Mo Xuanyu’s eyes go a little bit misty.

“I’m working on it,” he promises and Nie Mingjue knows that he is.

They all are still working on all of their issues, after all.

It’s in that moment when the door to the room flies open and Jiang Cheng stalks off, tears streaming down his face and a very stunned Nie Huaisang coming out after him.

“You good?” Nie Mingjue asks, even though he itches to go after Jiang Cheng to see if there is anything he can to do soothe him.

“He is louder than you are, da-ge,” Nie Huaisang says with something akin to wonder in his voice and Nie Mingjue frowns.

“Is that good or bad?” he wants to know, and watches fondly as Mo Xuanyu bounds over to Nie Huaisang to pull him into a hug as well.

Except this one is accompanied by kisses Nie Mingjue most definitely does not want to see.

“Good, I think,” Nie Huaisang finally says when he extracted himself from Mo Xuanyu and Nie Mingjue rolls his eyes, not that anyone sees, because they go right back to kissing.

“Alright, then,” Nie Mingjue grumbles and goes after Jiang Cheng, because clearly Nie Huaisang is being well taken care of.

He finds Jiang Cheng in the kitchen, where he’s pulling out all the ingredients he’d need to bake, and there are still tears streaming down his face.

Nie Mingjue still has Jiang Yanli’s words in his ear, so he immediately reaches for his phone and dials her number without taking his eyes off Jiang Cheng.

“Nie Mingjue,” she sweetly greets him but Nie Mingjue is too worried what this means to greet her properly.

“He’s baking,” he says and there’s a surprised gasp at the other end of the line.

“He’s what?” Jiang Yanli asks, and her voice sounds shaky and Nie Mingjue wants to know what this is all about this very instant, because if he needs to go in there and soothe Jiang Cheng then he’d rather do it sooner than later.

“He’s getting out all the ingredients he needs and he’s baking something.”

There’s a shuddering breath from her and then she bursts into tears, much to Nie Mingjue’s horror.

“Yanli?” he carefully asks, wondering how they could have fucked this up so badly but then she laughs.

“Thank you so much for giving this back to my brother,” she says through her tears and Nie Mingjue frowns.

“I don’t understand,” he admits and she takes a moment to calm herself down before she explains.

“He loves baking, and he has quite the talent, too,” she starts and now Nie Mingjue is even more confused, because if he loves this then shouldn’t this be a good thing? “Our parents, they—they didn’t approve,” she says and her voice goes dark. “It’s only for girls in their eyes, and it holds no real merit, isn’t something useful for the company or whatever they told him and they forbid him from doing it. He hasn’t baked anything in years. He used to do it when he was happy, when everything was so right in the world for him that he wanted to capture it with something you could taste, but I haven’t seen him do it in too long.” There’s a pause before she whispers “I think the last time was when he was fourteen.”

“Oh,” Nie Mingjue says and he looks at the situation with different eyes now.

Jiang Cheng is still crying, but now that Nie Mingjue knows what he’s looking for he sees that Jiang Cheng is relaxed, his shoulders loose and a lightness to his steps that wasn’t there before.

“Thank you, Mingjue, thank you for giving me back my brother, I mean it,” Jiang Yanli says and her praise makes Nie Mingjue uncomfortable.

“Don’t thank me,” he says gruffly but he can’t deny that he is touched by her words.

But mostly he’s touched because apparently Jiang Cheng is finally happy again.

“I’ll talk to you later, okay?” he says suddenly itching with the need to hang up and go into the kitchen to talk to Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli laughs as if she knows exactly what’s happening.

“Tell him I love him,” she says and then simply hangs up.

“Jiang Cheng?” Nie Mingjue carefully asks when he steps into the kitchen and Jiang Cheng gives him a huge smile, even though there are still tears on his cheek. “What’s going on?” Nie Mingjue wants to know and Jiang Cheng looks at the ingredients like he’s doubting Nie Mingjue’s intellect.

“I’m baking,” he says and Nie Mingjue sighs.

“I can see that. I meant the whole thing,” he says and makes a vague gesture with his hand, hoping to encompass everything about Jiang Cheng right now.

At Jiang Cheng’s confused frown he elaborates. “I just talked to your sister. She said you’re happy? I fail to see how you storming out of the room crying equates to you being happy, if I’m honest,” Nie Mingjue says and Jiang Cheng laughs before he motions for Nie Mingjue to come closer, so he can work more easily and without having to turn around all the time.

“This was the first time I used the room,” Jiang Cheng says. “The first time I decided to go in there.”

“I know.”

“I—in my old home, arguments were not to be held,” he says and Nie Mingjue goes very warm when Jiang Cheng refers to the Jiang residence as his old home.

It means he accepted that this is his new home.

“My parents yelled at each other and they berated us, but we weren’t actually allowed to talk back. And whenever one of us did, they took something away from us. Mostly their attention, but sometimes they would tell us how disappointed they are in us, or how bad we are behaving, how they can’t love us if we’re being like this. Sometimes they would take things we liked; certain books or our laptop or whatever else we held dear.”

Nie Mingjue has to fight the urge to go over to the Jiang residence and yell at them a whole lot. How dare they.

“Well, I say us, but mostly it was me,” Jiang Cheng says with a self-deprecating smile. “So whenever I said something to them, I always knew that it would have consequences. Their love for me was always conditional, I knew that, even though I chose to ignore that most of the time. I always hoped, you know,” Jiang Cheng mutters as he mixes the ingredients together.

“But today I went into the room with Nie Huaisang and I yelled at him for at least three minutes and we had a very bad fight, if I’m being honest. But throughout it all I knew that no matter what I said, we’d come out of the room and I’d still have his love and a home. I knew that it wouldn’t change anything if I yelled at him. I know it wouldn’t change anything if I yelled at you or Xuanyu either, and I haven’t felt like that in a long time,” Jiang Cheng whispers and Nie Mingjue can’t help himself, he simply has to reach over and pull him into a hug.

“Love is not conditional, Wanyin,” Nie Mingjue roughly tells him, fighting his own tears. “We will always love you, no matter what you do and you will always have a home here.”

“I know,” Jiang Cheng says, full on sobbing in Nie Mingjue’s shoulder now. “It’s why I’m baking. Because I know and because I’m home.”

“That you are,” Nie Mingjue agrees, and it’s a long time before Jiang Cheng goes back to baking.

When the muffins are in the oven, the smell draws Nie Huaisang and Mo Xuanyu out of their room and the first thing Nie Huaisang does when he sees Jiang Cheng is to hug him as well, furiously muttering something that makes Jiang Cheng blush and smile and Nie Mingjue hopes to always see him this happy from now on.

When the muffins are finally done it’s chaos in the kitchen, because everyone wants to be the first one to taste them and Nie Mingjue easily admits that he’s very proud that he wins, mostly because it makes Jiang Cheng laugh again.

The muffins are the most delicious thing Nie Mingjue has ever tasted and when they finally all settle around the kitchen table, various drinks in front of them, it certainly does feel like family and home.

Link to my ko-fi on the sidebar!

Nie Mingjue is looking forward to making Jiang Cheng bake a lot more often in the future.

Next part

#bt writes #jclovemonth2020 #the untamed #mdzs #jiang cheng #nie mingjue #nie huaisang #mo xuanyu #jiang yanli #modern au #fluff #hurt/comfort #found family #family feels #baking

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ouyangzizhensdad · 3 years

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RE: WWX and his arc being about trauma. I got into the fandom through CQL and the first time I saw it I actually read a lot of his actions post the burning of Lotus Cove as being influenced by his trauma. He's paranoid even before getting thrown into the burial mounds. He seems to be self medicating with alchohol (which WQ kinda calls him out on). He over-reacts to a lot things, which seems to me like a nasty case of emotional dysregulation as a result of PTSD. He avoids all kinds (1/3)

Of reminders of his tramua, his sword being the greatest example but there were other little things. He never gave much of a fuck about propriety but the way he completely igonres it (and the possible social fallout) later speaks to me less about not caring and more about not *having* the emotional capacity to care, much like what happens with depression. Plus, a lot of his behaviour can be read with various shades of being self destructive, and there are just in general a lot of points (2/3)

Where it's made clear that he's in a pretty bad headspace (him crying about being useless in the burial mounds for example), but none of that ever really gets dealt with so all of those issues are still hanging under the surface even if they're not apparent all the time. I mean, this is just my take, but at least imo WWX ticks a lot of the checkboxes for PTSD in the drama and it explains a lot about the way he acts and the bad decisions he makes. Hope this was helpful! (3/3)

I'm only referring to the drama btw, not the novel (which I haven't read yet). My memory is terrible so I'm not sure if I made it clear or not lol. Anyways, have a good day ^^

Hi there,

I am always curious when people who have only engaged with CQL end up engaging with my novel-only meta blog but perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised: if CQL posts end up in the mdzs tag, why not the opposite? I’ve seen some of my novel meta reblogged and tagged with “the untamed” and “CQL” so maybe the answer is already out there, staring at me in the face!

I’ll start by saying that I do not wish to really argue with people’s interpretations of CQL since I consider that MDZS and CQL are very different works because so many changes were made in the process of adapting the novel, and I personally have no interest in analysing CQL except wrt how it can help us better understand the novel (seeing certain elements removed or changed may help us understand why they mattered in the first place or what their use was). So I will speak to the arguments that could be applied to the novel and why *I* don’t think WWX’s arc in the novel is about trauma, and why I don’t think that picking up certain behaviours that can be exhibited by people with PTSD (but not exclusively by people with PTSD) is enough in itself to support the idea that a character’s arc is about trauma/shaped by PTSD. That does not mean that my interpretation is the only acceptable one--I am aware that a lot of people disagree with me on this and see trauma as a central theme/central part of WWX’s arc--and so I expect that a lot of people will disagree with my points (hopefully after they’ve read this post in good faith). And that’s perfectly fine: how likely is it that we can find another person who will agree 100% with our own interpretation of a work of fiction? And having divergent opinions floating around the fandom, or having to develop counter-arguments is a good way to strengthen our own pov if we don’t find ourselves convinced by that other interpretation, so it’s all good.

So first, I’ll address the biggest point of my argument before moving to address more specific points you raise in your ask. For me, WWX’s characterisation is not about trauma but about resilience.

So first, let’s clarify some things. Going through adversity/experiencing a situation that is difficult =/= experiencing trauma. Trauma is a concept referring to a potential response to going through adversity/experiencing something distressing or disturbing. In short, trauma as it is conceptualised and understood is not universal: not only in the sense that is a spatiotemporally specific concept used to make certain experiences intelligible, but as the reaction to difficult events (as well, what is considered to be an experience that falls under that concept is not itself universal and can take many gorms, and the behaviours and thoughts associated with trauma are generally not exclusive to it, ie having certain behaviours/thought processes is not an automatic proof that someone is dealing with trauma/ptsd). So after all this word vomit I want to clarify that my intent is not to suggest that WWX doesn’t go through experiences that are likely to cause trauma, but that to me, what is being portrayed is a different reaction to these events: resilience (if a slightly more “fictional” portrayal of resilience than what it would be presented in psychology/psychiatry).

Resilience refers to how people adapt or recover successfully from adversity/distressing situation/stress. That does not mean that people’s first reaction to adversity/distressing situations will be not defined by negative emotions, of course. For instance, I don’t think WWX’s heightened paranoia/emotional state directly after the fall of LP when he goes to look for JC is an indication of trauma because at this point WWX is still deep in the middle of that moment of adversity: he’s still a fugitive in the middle of a war, in the middle of danger. This also doesn’t mean that people cannot still have some temporary negative reactions to things that happened to them, afterwards: WWX having to pause when JC presents him with Suibian after he returns from Mass Grave Hill is not inherently an indication of trauma as it can be read that his sword a reminder of the difficult sacrifice he made--and the consequences he faced as a result (just because a situation was not traumatic doesn’t mean we enjoy revisiting it).

Why I think that WWX’s arc or characterisation is about resilience rather than trauma is because of many things, but mostly I want to point out two sections of the novel in particular.

First, this characterisation of WWX through JYL that we get relatively early in the novel:

Most memories from back then were already blurred. Yet, Jin Ling’s mother, Jiang Yanli, remembered all of them, and even told him quite a few. She said that, after his father heard of the news that his parents both died in battle, he had always dedicated himself to finding the child that these past friends had left behind. After searching for a while, he finally found the child in Yiling.

The first time they met, Wei Wuxian was kneeling on the ground, eating the fruit peels that somebody tossed on the ground. Yiling’s winter and spring were quite cold, yet the child only wore thin layers. His knees were already tattered, and on his feet were two different shoes that didn’t fit at all. As he was looking down, searching for fruit peels, Jiang Fengmian called him. He still remembered that there was a “Ying” in his name, so he lifted his head. Although his cheeks were both red and chapped from the cold, he still wore a smile.

Jiang Yanli said that he was born with a smiling look. No matter what unfortunate thing happened, he wouldn’t cling on to them; no matter what situation he was in, he would be happy. Although it sounded a bit heartless, it really was not bad.

This refers to a time of his life that is extremely difficult: he lost both his parents suddenly, at a young age, became suddenly homeless with no means to feed himself except to beg, and yet the only trauma he seems to carry from this experience is related to dogs. To me, this is a clear move from MXTX to position WWX as the kind of protagonist who can face a storm and keep his smile on his face. I can imagine that some people take it perhaps as a subversion, as the text telling us that WWX is weathering it all with a smile but underneath it all he is just a bundle of unaddressed trauma. And that’s certainly a possible interpretation, but it’s not mine. In this case I think the text is being straightforward. What we see of WWX also seems to support that: the way WWX just rolls with being brought back from the death, how easily he finds a way to adapt to things, etc.

I also find it meaningful that the novel choses to include in its ultimate chapter this discussion as part of its wrap-up of WWX’s journey and of Wangxian’s relationship.

After they left the shop, Wei Wuxian still sat on Xiao Pingguo while Lan Wangji held the reins in front.Swaying left and right atop the donkey, Wei Wuxian took the flute from his waist and placed it by his lips. The limpid notes flew across the sky like birds. Lan Wangji halted and listened quietly.

It was the song he sang for Wei Wuxian when they were stuck in the Xuanwu cave. It was also the song that Wei Wuxian just so happened to have played at Dafan Mountain, the song that enabled Lan Wangji to confirm his identity.

When he finished, Wei Wuxian winked his left eye towards Lan Wangji.

“How was it? Beautiful, huh?”

Lan Wangji slowly nodded. “For once.”

Wei Wuxian knew that ‘for once’ referred to how his memory was good for once. He could not help but smile.

“Don’t always be so angry about it. It was my fault in the past, alright? Besides, my terrible memory should be accredited to my mom.” Wei Wuxian propped his arm on Xiao Pingguo’s head, spinning Chenqing in his hand. “My mom said you have to remember the things others do for you, not the things you do for others. Only when people don’t hold so much in their hearts would they finally feel free.”

This was one of the only things he remembered about his parents.

Of course, this is not a direct reference to resilience as it is explored in psychology. But to me it speaks to that idea: one of the biggest lesson WWX has kept with him, one of his only memory of--and thus legacy from--his parents, is this idea that we should not hold so much in our hearts. It also reframes his bad memory as being the result of a philosophy, of an approach to life that not just about being grateful/paying your debts to others, but also a form of resilience, in a sense.

As well, I find that a lot of people who go with the trauma interpretation see WWX’s actions and thoughts processes dyring his YLLZ’s days as being the result of his ptsd, where I personally read it as the influence of modao. I am aware as well that some people do not think that modao actually harmed WWX during that period of his life, but I don’t think that LWJ would have been worried if there were not reasons to believe it would:

One against two, Lan Wangji still refused to back off. He gazed at Wei Wuxian, “Wei Ying, for cultivating an evil path you would eventually have to pay. Throughout time, there has not been a single exception.”

Wei Wuxian, “I can pay.”

Seeing how unconcerned he seemed to be, Lan Wangji lowered his voice, “The path would not only damage your body, but your heart as well (此道损身，更损心性。)”

So now, onto the specific points you raised in the ask.

Self-medicating with alcohol: WWX is shown to enjoy and drink large amounts of alcohol before the fall of LP and after most of the events of the novel have unfolded. In the novel, while WQ tries to make WWX stop drinking, it is as likely to believe that it is for his health (now that he doesn’t have a golden core) than it would be because she was worried he was self-medicating. As well, heavy drinking is a very normalized behaviour (although most physicians don’t think it’s a good thing) in a lot of cultures and times, and considering WWX’s higher tolerance and his general demeanor while imbricated, his drinking is not shown to have a negative effect on his ability to live his life. The line between “self-soothing” (normal aspect of being humans dealing with emotions and hardships) and “self-medicating” (pathological) is hard to trace with alcohol consumption. As well, just because people with PTSD may self-medicate with alchohol doesn’t mean all people who self-medicate with alcohol do it because of PTSD.

He's paranoid even before getting thrown into the burial mounds. As I mentioned briefly before, WWX is at the time a fugitive in the middle of a war: he’s still in the middle of those stressful events and his paranoia is not necessarily a maladaptive response since they are still very much fugitives in the middle of a war. Trauma is not really your reaction during but in the aftermath. It would be more telling if WWX were still exhibiting signs of paranoia in situations where he would have no reasons to.

He over-reacts to a lot things, which seems to me like a nasty case of emotional dysregulation as a result of PTSD. I’m not certain at which reactions you are referring to here, but especially considering that some of this might be chalked up to acting choices since this is based on CQL, I probably won’t address this one point too much in relation to the novel. I do want to emphasize though that we’ve seen prior to Sunshot campaign that WWX can be quite impulsive in certain situations (hitting JZX for insulting Shijie, which he does both before and after the events of the Sunshot Campaign). As well, I do think it’s important to remember that he is still in the middle of the war during the Sunshot campaign, and that he is also hiding something pretty important from the people close to him and living a sort of double life, on top of experiencing fatigue/hunger in a way he hasn’t for years due to the loss of his golden core. In short, there are a lot of things going on that can be used to explain what can be seen as “over-reactions” without necessarily going with PTSD.

avoids all kinds reminders of his trauma, his sword being the greatest example but there were other little things. I’ve broached in my previous discussions, but it’s also pertinent to remember his mom’s philosophy: we can also see this as WWX trying to leave in the pass this difficult sacrifice he made in order to move forward.

He never gave much of a fuck about propriety but the way he completely ignores it (and the possible social fallout) later speaks to me less about not caring and more about not *having* the emotional capacity to care, much like what happens with depression. I have to disagree with that interpretation of WWX and WWX’s actions, but again this might just be a case of CQL-only vs novel-only interpretations of the character. One thing WWX thinks about being reborn in a “lunatic’s” body is that he’ll get to have fun, the way he never could when his actions reflected on others. So while at times WWX flaunts propriety, he is aware of how his actions can impact others and show in different situations that he is aware of propriety. His choice to protect the Wen Remnants goes against that, for sure, but it isn’t necessarily a case of not understanding the possible social fallout so much as putting other things (ie his life-debt towards WN and WQ) before propriety, as we can see for example in this exchange.

Jiang Cheng, “I’m the one who fucking wants to give you a thrashing! Yes, they helped us before, but why in the world don’t you understand that right now any remnant of the Wen Sect is a target of criticism! No matter who they are, with a surname of Wen they have committed a most heinous crime! And those who protect the Wen are at risk of being condemned by everyone! All the people loathe the Wen-dogs so badly that the worse they die the better. Whoever protects them is against the entire world. Nobody would speak for them, and nobody would speak for you either!”

“I don’t need anyone to speak for me.”

[...]

Swords unsheathed, the two stared at each other for a while. Neither was willing to take a single step back. A while later, Jiang Cheng spoke, “Wei Wuxian, have you still not realized what the situation at hand is like? Do you really need me to say it out loud? If you insist on protecting them, then I won’t be able to protect you.”

“There’s no need to protect me. Just let go.”

Jiang Cheng’s face twisted.

Wei Wuxian, “Just let go. Tell the world that I defected. From now on, no matter what Wei Wuxian does, it’d have nothing to do with YunmengJiangShi.”

“… All for the Wen Sect…? Wei Wuxian, do you have a savior complex? Is it that you’ll die if you don’t stand up for someone and stir up some trouble?”

Wei Wuxian stayed quiet. A while later, he answered, “So that’s why we should cut ties right now, in case anything I do affects YunmengJiangShi in the future.”

a lot of his behaviour can be read with various shades of being self destructive Which ones, specifically? I’m not trying to be obtuse, but I’m not sure which ones you mean.

he's in a pretty bad headspace (him crying about being useless in the burial mounds for example) It needs to be said that the crying is only in CQL (it was an acting choice by XZ). My memory is playing tricks on me, but I think pre-rebirth we only see him cry after he kills JZX and after JYL’s death? Someone please fact-check me on this.

Since I don’t believe it was MXTX’s intent to make WWX’s characterisation and arc about trauma, I do feel like interpreting the different behaviours as signs of his PTSD might lead us to miss out on other potential interpretations or meanings behind these choices, if we put aside the PTSD angle. It may also lead us to deny the text the possibility to signify something different through these behaviours and signs, especially on a thematic level--to explore something about how events and emotions shape us in a manner that exists outside of modern psychiatric classification.

TLDR (because god this got long): My point is not that WWX is unaffected by the things that happened to him or the things he’s done during this portion of his life: of course he is! Especially as they are happening to him, or when he is still stuck in a very difficult situation. But I don’t think his character and his arc is about trauma but instead about resilience. That, at the end of MDZS, WWX is still the person JYL described: No matter what unfortunate thing happened, he wouldn’t cling on to them.

#wintersrchild #mdzs meta #mdzs #wwx #maybe i should tag this as unpopular opinion? just in case

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peachpeachplumb · 3 years

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Welcome To The Fat Parade

Hey hey its time for the collab with @justanotherworthlessweirdo , hope you enjoy! This is more of a setup chapter so get a good look at the three ladies now because soon they’ll look very different 😉

It was Billy Corgan who said that the moment a band starts writing about themselves, and how hard it is being as famous as they are, and how tough being on tour is, is the moment they cease to be relatable, the moment they become egotists. Admittedly, Ebony thought, Corgan had never been regarded as a particularly humble man, but he was one of her main musical inspirations so she felt compelled to take his advice to heart. It seemed good advice after all: don’t forget how normal people live or they’ll forget about you.

That quote had been rattling around inside Ebony’s brain for months now. Ever since the tour cycle for Burial it felt like all she wanted to write about was how hard it was being famous and how tough touring was. Sixteen states, plus Europe, plus Japan; Ebony felt like herself and the rest of Juliet is Dead had spent ninety per cent of their time in airports for eighteen months. And the shows themselves were no better, because like idiots they’d decided to make Burial a hyper-elaborate concept album about the thought-processes of a young woman buried alive by her husband; that necessitated equally elaborate live shows with enough props and pyro to make Muse jealous, and Ebony being the control freak that she was couldn’t so much as sing a note until she knew that everything backstage was working as it was supposed to. And on top of all that she was supposed to write a new album while they were touring? Fuck that. Linkin Park had done it, sure, and it’d turned out amazing for them, but Bennington and Shinoda were musical prodigies. Ebony, meanwhile, was not. She knew that.

And yet, she was a rock star. An idol to millions of teen girls. A masturbation fantasy to just as many teen boys. As much as she felt otherwise, Ebony knew she had it all. Furthermore, she knew she’d come a long way. Back in high school, back when she was still Tara Smithers, she’d been the laughing stock of the classroom. Ten-Ton Tara they called her, the tallest and fattest girl in school, the big fat crybaby with no friends other than those goth-looking dweebs who hang around the parking lot. Ten-Ton Tara, who stress-ate her soul away. Ten-Ton Tara, who nobody would be seen dead at the prom with. Ten-Ton Tara, the basket-case. The loser.

But she’d moved past it. She’d lost the weight, she’d formed a band with her besties, she’d become Ebony Styles and written three platinum-selling albums. And if she was now forgetting where she’d come from, how awful her life once had been, what right did she have to sing for all these depressed fans and say she was just like them?

And so, Ebony decided that Juliet is Dead needed to break up.

When Ebony first suggested this to her bandmates the room went dead instantly. Even Raven was shocked into silence. Not for long, though.

“Of course it would be you,” the redhead muttered quietly. “It was always going to be you...”

“I don’t understand-” Ebony began, but she was soon interrupted as Raven let her rage fly free.

“Of course it would be you!” she screamed, in a shrill voice like distant thunder. “It’s always been about you from day one, you’ve got the fans, you’ve got the interviews, you’ve got the tits!”

“She’s not just eye candy,” Willow said softly, desperate to diffuse the situation. It hadn’t worked. It rarely did.

“Don’t you see?” The pint-sized fury turned to Willow. “This is all about her, just like always, she’ll ditch us and she’ll have a solo career, that’s what this about!”

“I love you two,” Ebony said, “I’d never-”

“Of course you’d say that! This is all about you, we’re just dead weight to you, aren’t we? We gotta be cut loose so you can really shine!”

“It’s not like that at all!” Ebony was shouting too now.

“Quit lying! We’re Michelle and Kelly, we’re JC and Chris, you fuck off, you get all the money and fame to yourself and boom! Nobody remembers who the fuck we are!”

“This is not about fame!”

“Yes it is, it might not be for you but it is for us, cause unlike you the rest of us stand to lose everything!”

“So what? We’re all gonna lose it all anyway!”

“What?” That hadn’t been the reply Raven had expected. Ebony was crying now.

“You know it’s over,” she said. “We all do. It’s 2010. Emo’s dead, it’s over. Everyone’s moving on. MCR’s gone prog rock, Panic’s gone pop and Paramore are doing whatever the hell Hayley Williams wants these days. The goth get-ups, the scene, it’s all beyond uncool at this point: made a punchline by Pitchfork and Tobey fucking Maguire. Today’s teens don’t want misery, they don't want relatability, they want dreams, laughter, they want Katy Perry and Rebecca Black. When they’re not laughing at tus they’re scared of us. We’re the man now. Everything we rallied against. And hanging on to our heyday means letting go of all we stood for.”

Raven, for once, was lost for words. But Ebony was right, she knew that, so did Willow. But none of them felt comfortable accepting that just yet.

So, the band decided to soften the inevitable blow as much as they could. One last album, one last tour, one last gift to their fans for being so loyal all these years. That album was Cliffjumper.

It'd earned the usual sneering reviews from middle-aged critics, but as she stood on stage at what she knew would be her final performance, Ebony didn’t give a shit.

Twenty thousand people, right there in front of her. Twenty thousand people longing to see her, desperate to hear her voice, elated to be so much as in her vicinity. Twenty thousand people who loved her. And when Ebony said she loved them back, she meant it. From the bottom of her heart, she meant it. These were the people who made everything worthwhile. She’d brought joy into their lives, even saved some of their lives, and in turn they had all helped save hers. Thanks to them, she didn’t feel like Ten-Ton Tara anymore, she felt like Ebony Styles, saviour of the broken, the beaten and the damned. They had transformed her.

And now, as the lights went out, they were gone.

#chubby girl #female feedee #weight gain #weight gain fat #tight clothes #wg kink #kink art #gaining weight #sudden weight gain #plumb draws #wg story #wg art #wg text

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aurora077 · 3 years

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Intervention

Summary: Lan Xichen’s seclusion had gone on long enough, in Jiang Cheng’s opinion. It was time for an intervention. Fem!JC

Author's Note: This work is set in jiucengta ‘s haunting legacies au (https://archiveofourown.org/series/1716682)which I suggest you check out. Jiang Cheng is female and was married to Wei Wuxian before shit hit the fan. The relationships are not explicitly stated here, it's very background. I just had this idea and wanted to get it out there. I may or may not do another fic very similar to this one but not set in an AU, just post-canon instead.

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Two years had gone by since the fateful Guanyin Temple incident that rocked the cultivation world. Two years (a little more really) since Jiang Cheng’s erstwhile husband had returned from the dead. Two years (a little less actually but who’s counting) since she lost her widowed status and gained an extra love to boot somewhere in the middle. And two years since Sect Leader Lan had gone into seclusion, punishing himself for his blindness and mourning the loss of both his sworn brothers.

Normally Jiang Cheng would not stick her nose in other sects’ business. But Gusu Lan had become more than just another sect to her; it was important to those she loved and so, it was also important to her. And even if things hadn’t turned out the way they did in her personal life, Lan Xichen is someone she would have wanted to help anyway. During the thirteen years her husband had been dead he had been one of the few to show any open support for her.

She would never forget that fateful discussion conference-- the one where she’d been dubbed Wife of the Yiling Demon after she rebuffed Jin Guangshan’s attempt to pressure her into marriage (brokered by him no less-- undoubtedly trying to get her to wed one of his own relatives...control over the Jiang could only work in his favour). Loudmouthed Sect Leader Yao would have turned things even uglier for her had it not been for Lan Xichen’s timely intervention on her behalf. His steady support had helped her in more ways than one over the years despite the fact that they were not ever particularly close. With Gusu Lan seemingly in her corner, the voices that would (and initially, did) loudly decry a young female Sect Leader were forced to whisper instead.

That was why she found herself sitting opposite the man, sipping on a cup of tea as he gazed inquisitively at her.

“Sect Leader Jiang,” he greeted, sounding weary, voice containing only a trace of his former warmth, “What brings you here? As you know I am still in seclusion, technically, I should not be having visitors. Is there something urgent that you need my help with?”

“Yes,” she said, and continued bluntly as was her way, “I’m here to convince you to leave it.”

His eyes widened slightly. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me.”

It spoke to the measure of self control the Lan’s had that he didn’t simply kick her out of the hanshi.

“I beg your pardon but I don’t see how that’s any of your business.”

She cleared her throat and tried to measure her words more carefully; she didn’t want to be asked to leave before she had made her arguments and she tried to remember that this Lan Xichen had been hurt too deeply to retain his former magnanimity.

“You may not know it Lan Xichen, but outside these walls you are sorely missed.”

His lips twitched, as if he wanted to smile but couldn’t quite make it.

“I’m aware my family may miss me, Sect Leader Jiang, but I had no idea that you harbored such strong feelings towards me that you now miss my presence.”

She sputtered slightly, not expecting him to joke about it when he looked like he could keel over if she spoke too loudly. “I…” her face turned red, “That wasn’t what…”

Taking pity on her he waved her protests away, voice becoming more solemn, “Why don’t you tell me why you think I should leave my seclusion. You of all people should understand why I need to do this. It was your family hurt the most by my ignorance.”

She drew in a breath to steady herself, “Did you hold me responsible when Wei Wuxian did all the crap that he did?”

“That’s different, he was manipulated,” he frowned.

“Nobody knew that until recently Zewu-Jun. And manipulation or not he still made choices that led to a lot of harm. So I ask you again, was I to blame? Should I not have been able to stop my husband? Is it not, therefore also my fault? Maybe I should join you in seclusion since his demonic cultivation was partly because he gave me his core and had no options left.”

He looked pained, “I have never blamed you for his choices. You couldn’t help what you didn’t know. None of us knew he didn’t have a core.”

“And none of us knew Jin Guangyao was a megalomaniac either. So how can you be blamed for his choices? If you are to shoulder the blame then so should all the rest of us.”

“The rest of you weren’t his sworn brothers!” he almost shouted.

“Mingjue knew. He warned me not to trust him so many times. I dismissed him. I thought he was paranoid and misjudging A-Yao like so many others. If he could see it, why didn’t I? I wronged Da-ge in the worst way because I thought I knew better than him,” His breathing was coming out ragged, “I thought A-Yao was the one who knew me best. Who I knew best.”

It spoke to his state of mind that he even let all of that out in front of her.

“Sect Leader Jiang, the man I considered my closest companion is the man most hated by the cultivation world and reviled as a monster. How do you think I must look in comparison? I am sure there are those out there wondering if I had known and if I even helped him with all of his plans. There are people who will speculate as to the bounds of our relationship. If I did not go into seclusion they would say I had no shame, look what his sworn brother did and he’s out and about like normal. Then there are those who look at my decision to seclude myself as an indicator of guilt and may accuse me of complicity. Or they will look at my mourning and see someone who mourns a monster and who does that? Why mourn a monster? Sect Leader Yao even openly criticised your young nephew for crying at the coffin of his uncle who also helped raise him. A parentless child who saw one of his only remaining close family members die brutally after being exposed as a serious criminal, who even threatened him with bodily harm, could not grieve him without censure. What of a grown man, and a Sect Leader at that!”

“With all due respect, so what?”

“E..excuse me?” Lan Xichen was torn between being confused and insulted.

“You heard me. So. What?” she started, “So what if they think these things? Does that make it true? If Sect Leader Yao thinks that you’re an incestuous troll would that make it true? If Sect Leader Ouyang says ‘hey did you know that Sect Leader Lan likes to visit brothels in secret’ would that make it true? Just because people think something does not make it a reality. Your sect certainly does not believe you are responsible for the actions of Jin Guangyao and would stand by you if anyone insinuates otherwise. You have your brother and your uncle who love you and are worried about you. Your sect has thrived under your leadership and undoubtedly they all miss you too.”

That Lan Jingyi kid couldn’t shut up about how much he missed Zewu-Jun. And she knew Lan Zhan missed his brother and lamented that he could not do more for him. He and Lan Qiren were working themselves ragged trying to pick up the pieces. He’d hardly had time to come back to Lotus Pier and she and Wei Ying missed him dearly. They’d had to make up so many ‘official’ reasons to find themselves in the Cloud Recesses so that they could spend some time together. So yes on the one hand it would be good for them if Zewu-Jun were to leave seclusion but she wasn’t simply doing it for that reason. It was because if anyone could understand what Zewu-Jun was going through, it would be her. And she didn’t think that seclusion was going to help anything. All it would do is make him ruminate on his mistakes over and over again until he likely went mad himself.

“You said that the man you considered your closest companion turned out to be a monster. Gee, I wonder what that feels like? You said that people will wonder if you helped him with his plans, oh gee, I wonder what that feels like?” Zewu-Jun had the grace to look abashed at that.

She continued, softer, “You said people will talk about what kind of person mourns a monster. But you’re not mourning a monster, are you? When A-Ling cried over his coffin, did you blame him for it? Did you think ‘why is this child mourning when he should celebrate the end of the one who fractured his family?’ like Sect Leader Yao did?” Zewu-Jun shook his head but didn’t say anything, letting her continue.

“A-Ling was mourning the loss of the uncle he knew. And you are mourning the loss of the companion he had been to you. The world will only ever view him as a monster because the world never knew him. But you did. Maybe you didn’t know everything about him, but not everything about him was fake. I hate Jin Guangyao, I will not pretend otherwise. But I was there, Zewu-Jun. I was there, and I could see that he truly did care for you and value you. Not everything he showed you would have been fake. You of all people probably got more sincerity out of him than anyone else. And so you, of all people, have a right to mourn the man he was, the same way A-Ling still mourns the loss of the man who gifted a lonely child a dog. Not everything had an ulterior motive. Even monsters can love can’t they? Even monsters had people who loved them. I would know. So if you need to mourn him… then just mourn him.

Who gives a damn what people will say about it? People will always talk, Zewu-Jun. It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do, people will believe what they want to believe. So why let their opinions force you into repenting for something you didn’t even do? Let them think what they want to think. It is not a crime to be deceived. We all were. Why take the world on your shoulders when you don’t actually have to? And again, with all due respect Sect Leader Lan, if I, a family-less, alliance-less woman whose husband was the most reviled personage in the jianghu, who suffered the scorn of the cultivation world for over a decade, could raise my nephew on my own and build my sect back from literal ashes into one of the strongest and most respected once again, then you, who have a strong sect and people who love you, who believe in you and will support you no matter what… you can manage to live too.”

“Sect Leader Jiang…” Zewu-Jun was at a loss for words. What could he say? It only sounded selfish and petty to claim that he suffered more than she did, because he truly didn’t. She was right after all. Sect Leader Jiang was a remarkable woman. Life had not been kind to her. And...her words struck something within him. He felt ashamed. He hadn’t even thought about what it was like for her before this. He’d never offered her any support, but here she was trying to get him to live his life again without guilt. She, whose family most assuredly suffered because of his inaction, was here telling him to let it go, to not take responsibility. But how could he do that so easily?

“How did you do it? Sect Leader Jiang...” his voice cracked, “Can you ever forgive me, for the harm that my inaction caused you and your family?” Maybe if he heard it from her, maybe he could begin to forgive himself.

She sighed. “On my part, there is nothing to forgive Zewu-Jun. And so I can’t grant you forgiveness because you haven’t done me any wrong. But there are a few people who do deserve an apology from you. And your seclusion is a self-imposed punishment that you feel you deserve but at the end of the day, it does not actually do anything tangible when it comes to making amends to those who have been hurt.”

He was silent for a moment, stunned by her words. He hadn’t considered that his seclusion might have been causing others even more harm than he’d already done to them. Sect Leader Jiang was wise (she would disagree...she’d just learned from bitter experience in her opinion). He felt like he’d done her a great disservice all of these years, by not making an effort to reach out to her.

“Please, tell me. I.. I confess I no longer trust my judgement. I thought I knew A-Yao. I thought I was a good judge of character. I no longer know how to tell what is up from down. All I know is that I was so, so wrong about A-Yao. If you say that I have not harmed you then I am glad. I would hate to be the cause of more pain. You said that I am not responsible for A-Yao’s actions, and though it isn’t easy to believe that just yet, if there are those who I have truly wronged then please...please tell me. I still don’t know if I am ready to leave seclusion, if I even know how to, but I need to atone for my actions.”

Jiang Cheng nodded, “That’s the right attitude at least. So to start with I’d say you need to have a chat with Huaisang.”

His eyes widened, “I… I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, Sect Leader Jiang.” His face darkened slightly. He wasn’t pleased with Huaisang at the moment. It felt like he never even knew him.

“And why not? Out of everyone, it’s Huaisang that you unintentionally hurt. And I don’t mean because of not listening to Nie Mingjue. His death was not your fault.” He was about to protest but she cut him off. “It wasn’t. I told you, stop taking responsibility for what isn’t your fault and own up to what is.”

He sighed heavily, “If it’s not about Da-ge then how did I wrong Huaisang?”

“Well for one, you’re still his Er-ge. Yet you seem to have forgotten that in lieu of what happened in the temple. Huaisang… has lost everyone. He may have been acting like a shady shit for the past however many years but… do you know what it’s like to be the last one of your family, Zewu-Jun? To have nobody beside you except subordinates?” He inhaled sharply. “I.. I hadn’t thought of that,” he said mournfully. How much did he just not consider? What kind of a person was he that he resented Huaisang for his deceit but yet did not consider for one moment that Huaisang may have done those things because he thought he was all alone and could not come to him for help? What kind of brother was he that his little brother could not confide in him? He should have been there for Huaisang, instead he had thought so highly of Jin Guangyao, even dismissing da-ge’s claims, that Huaisang had not dared to approach him with his suspicions.

Sect Leader Jiang was being very understanding however, “Zewu-Jun, I know you’re not pleased with Huaisang. I know there are many things that he’s done that are not right. I know there’s a possibility that he lied and forced your hand at the end. Believe me, I know the feeling...more than anyone, I know what it feels like to be deceived by someone you love...to kill someone you love. I know what it feels like when everyone praises you for it. Like you did such a great thing and you should be happy and celebrating with everyone else, except you can’t because your heart has shattered…has been ripped to shreds.

As someone who once loved a so-called monster...as someone who as good as killed that person with their own hands, I understand better than anyone what you’re going through. What Huaisang did was cruel, even though I’m glad Jin Guangyao is dead. It was cruel to have you be the one to end him. Huaisang likely knew that Jin Guangyao valued you. He knew it would be the worst end for him to be killed by your hand. I can’t speak for Huaisang, but I don’t believe he did it to hurt you, even though that’s inevitably what happened anyway. He did it to hurt Jin Guangyao. But even though it was not kind of him to have you be the arbiter of justice, he still deserves to have his Er-ge in his life.

She paused remembering the pain of losing her husband and sister all in one night.

She didn't have to imagine how Huaisang would have felt at losing the last member of his family at the hands of someone he cared about.“You and I aren’t the only ones who were deceived by someone we loved. Huaisang loved Jin Guangyao too, didn’t he? He loved and trusted him. When Nie Mingjue was getting worse, didn’t Huaisang trust and rely on both you and Jin Guangyao? It wasn’t a front. You were both dear to him. He loved him. He loved him and was betrayed by him in the worst way. And then yes, he orchestrated a whole convoluted plan to have him exposed and killed.

But you and I can both attest that justice, and even revenge, doesn’t stop the pain does it? Huaisang avenged his brother, but he lost another in the process, the same way you did. Don’t let him lose you too. You said you wronged Nie Mingjue by not listening to him. I think you’d wrong him even more if you left his little brother alone, without anyone to call family. You don’t have to forgive Huaisang right away, or at all if you don’t want to, but eventually you should at least try and reconcile with him. You’re his big brother... the only one left. And you know, Huaisang would have had the realisation that he was fooled by Jin Guangyao all on his own. But you don’t have to be alone.

Huaisang and you share the experience of being blinded by him. It would be much easier to talk to someone who has gone through the same things, no? Huaisang is there. And I am here. You don’t have to endure this on your own. We may not be very close Zewu-Jun, but we can understand each other, not so? So I’m here if you need someone to confide in. And Huaisang...Huaisang must be waiting too. For his Er-ge. You both owe each other apologies.”

By the time she was done speaking there were tears rolling down his face. She didn’t think it was quite appropriate given their positions, (though she was sort of his secret sister-in-law so really, he counted as family) but she moved over to his side and embraced him. If he was surprised he didn’t show it, only moving to cling to her more tightly and sob with a ferocity that had her a bit surprised. She wondered if this was the first time since the temple that he’d allowed himself to fully grieve what he had lost, without the guilt of letting his sworn brother die, killing the other one, and feeling bad for mourning for someone who he should hate.

Everyone praised him for killing Jin Guangyao however, it was something he didn’t want to be praised for. But what could he say? That he hated the fact that he killed him? He was right about one thing, if he ever said something like that people would most assuredly say he was complicit and probably want to implicate him. Jiang Cheng of all people knew how hard it was to listen to people praising you for a deed you were not proud of. And so she was the only person who would understand. The only person who would, who could, acknowledge the hurt it would have caused him to do what he did, especially if he was tricked into it.

His feelings about Huaisang would be complicated, but it wasn’t too late to reconcile as long as they were both alive.

She rubbed his back consolingly and just let him cry. It must have been no more than 15 minutes, but it felt much longer, before his tears slowed. When his sobs petered out he tried to compose himself. She let go of him and he embarrassedly turned away, sipping his tea. He cleared his throat, “I’m sorry Sect Leader Jiang, that was unbecoming of me.”

“Don’t mention it,” she waved off. She was there to help after all.

“I will give your words due consideration. It was remiss of me to forget that I was not the only one affected by A-Yao’s schemes. I truly regret not thinking of how Huaisang would have felt when he first found out. You are right. I have done my little brother a disservice,” he said, voice croaky from his bout of sobbing.

“You said that there were people I needed to apologise to. Who else have I wronged?” he continued. His respect and admiration for Sect Leader Jiang had grown exponentially since the start of this visit. He would take her words under advisement if he could.

“Oh Zewu-Jun,” she sighed, “What you’re doing with this seclusion, doesn’t it remind you of someone? Because it sure reminds your uncle.”

Zewu-Jun looked as if she had slapped him.

“Nobody would begrudge you needing time to grieve and to come to terms with what happened, it is human nature. It’s understandable. We were all blindsided. And I understand the wish to seclude yourself because I wish I could have as well, though I didn’t have the luxury,” she said, not unkindly but it made him wince anyway, “But it’s been too long. A few months would be okay, though grief will last longer than that, but more than that is just being unfair to others. You are the Sect Leader. Your uncle has already had to watch his brother shirk his duties and seclude himself from the world for the rest of his life.

Your uncle has had to pick up the slack. He raised you and your brother like a father would, while taking care of sect matters. None of those things were his responsibility yet he did it. And now… now he has to go through it all over again. Master Lan is elderly though and he cannot keep up with all of the duties required of an elder, teacher and now Sect Leader once more. And so that leads me to the last person that you have wronged.

Lan Zhan is Chief Cultivator now, did you know? His duties are myriad and yet he has to come back here and help Master Lan run the sect. It pains Master Lan to see history repeating itself. A younger brother once again has to take the reins from his older brother and he does it without complaint, because he loves you. But it is unfair to A-Zhan. He can’t live his own life because he’s too busy living yours. He’s barely managing to keep up with both sets of duties, but he’s doing it for you. It has been two years, Zewu-Jun. He worries so much about you, as does your uncle. It pains them to see you this way. And so Sect Leader Lan,” she pointedly used his rank, “I beg of you to consider leaving your seclusion. You have people who love you waiting for you. Your family needs you.”

His eyes were glittering once more, but no tears were shed this time. He swallowed thickly. The past few months it had seemed as if he was living in a fog. He’d barely managed to keep his routine up, it was only through decades of strict routine that he’d gotten himself off the bed and eaten his food and meditated everyday on his shortcomings. But it seemed that while he was doing that he’d missed quite a few. Because she was right wasn’t she? He hid himself away like a coward and didn’t even think about how it would affect Wangji and Uncle. He hadn’t even considered how hurt his uncle would feel to see him go down the same route as his father.

Her words were like a splash of cold water. It seemed to wake him up; it got him out of the daze he was in. If this woman before him could raise a child and a sect from the ashes all alone after going through more tragedy than a hundred people in one lifetime would...he could get himself in gear and do what he had to do. He felt ashamed in front of her. She was right that she didn’t have the luxury to seclude herself. But he did. He did, and he took advantage of the support system that he had to take time for himself. More time than he should have.

She said it was understandable, and maybe it was, but she was also right that it should not have been going on for this long. He had no desire to be Qingheng-Jun the second. But if she hadn’t come here today… if she hadn’t said all that she had said… He would not have even thought of those things. He was too busy thinking of himself. It was likely that he would have stayed for years in his seclusion, just ruminating on what went wrong and what he could have changed. It was all too easy to get caught up in could-have-beens.

“Sect Leader Jiang,” he said, devastated at the thought of his uncle, the man who raised him when he didn’t have to, who did his best to prevent them from turning out like their father, thinking that he had failed when it was Lan Xichen who failed, “I’ve heard you loud and clear. But…”

“But?”

“But I don’t know if I even know how to go about being Sect Leader anymore. I feel like the decisions I make would be questionable now. How can I trust that I will do what’s best for the sect? I have already failed in so many ways. Now I have failed Wangji and Uncle too.”

“What did I tell you? You’re not alone Zewu-Jun. You don’t have to leave seclusion immediately. You don’t even have to start doing everything right away. Ease back into it. Your family will be there to help you. I’m offering to help you. If you need to talk about things that you can’t with them, you can write to me. Master Qiren should not have to be taking on these responsibilities any longer and A-Zhan needs to have time to breathe...his own position is challenging enough. Besides you haven’t failed, you’ve just had some setbacks is all. Failure would be wallowing in self-pity forever and leaving everyone else to do your duties indefinitely,” she looked at him pointedly. He got the hint.

“Okay Sect Leader Jiang. I shall take you up on that then. But I do have a question if you’ll indulge me,” he said.

“Shoot.”

“I mean no offense at all, in fact I’m actually extremely grateful for your concern, but I am curious….why do you even care? You didn’t have to do any of this. I’m well aware that you have your own duties and worries. Why bother about mine?”

She smiled for the first time since she walked into the Hanshi. He was struck by it. It had been a long time since he’d seen her smile... truly smile. In fact, the last time he’d seen a smile as bright as that on her face was probably right here in the Cloud Recesses when she was a student.

“You may not remember it, Zewu-Jun, but there was a time Jin Guangshan sought to marry me off. It was your words of support for me, against that awful Sect Leader Yao, that saved my skin, though they still called me Wife of the Yiling Demon after that. But at least I was only his wife. I will be eternally grateful to you for that. It was thanks to your words that nobody else tried to make me marry. I was able to focus on my sect in relative peace. It was a kindness that I have never been able to repay until now, though you shouldn’t think that it is only because of repayment.”

She got up and dusted off her clothes perfunctorily.

“I shall take my leave now, Zewu-Jun.”

“Please, call me Xichen,” he said, thinking that after all of the things that were said that day, she might as well.

“Well then, Xichen you may call me Wanyin. Thank you for hearing me out and please forgive me for barging in unexpectedly. I have intruded upon your hospitality long enough.”

“It is no matter,” he said, and for the first time in a long while he was able to manage a weak smile, “I was honored by your company. If you did not give me so much to think about, I would offer you some more tea.”

She laughed, “Thank you Xichen, but I will be missed soon anyway. I do not need to cause an uproar in Cloud Recesses if they can’t find a Sect Leader. Plus the scandal that would happen if someone other than A-Zhan or A-Yuan finds me in here will not be pleasant.”

“A-Zhan?” he raised an eyebrow, “Is there something I should know about, Wanyin?”

She snorted and threw him a cheeky smirk, “If you want to find out you’ll have to come to Lotus Pier.” And with that she saw herself out, leaving nothing but the scent of lotuses behind her.

Huh. Well then. How curious. He’d thought that Wangji had gone off with Wei Wuxian, who he’d been in love with since he met him. How did Sect Leader Jiang factor into this? As far as he knew they didn’t even particularly like each other. It seemed like he missed quite a lot while he was in seclusion. Was his little brother in a love triangle? It would explain why Wanyin said that he shouldn’t only think of her visit as repayment to him. It wasn’t the purest motivation but huh maybe he would leave seclusion after all. His brother might need support in more ways than one. Sect Leader Lan leaving seclusion because he was too invested in his brother’s love life was a hilarious thought, and for the first time in two years, he chuckled mirthfully to himself. Maybe he would be okay after all.

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bettydice · 3 years

Text

I didn’t expect you to be lonely (too)

Xicheng, Modern AU, JC&WWX reconciliation, E-Rated

[Read on AO3]

Chapter 7

The night after their date, which was both a disaster and the best date he’s ever had, Jiang Cheng can't sleep. He keeps thinking about Lan Xichen’s shaking hands, the kiss, the kisses that followed, about not casually, about Wei Wuxian dating Lan Xichen's brother. About how if they're not casual, then he'll have to get over himself and at least be able to be in a room together with Wei Wuxian, or Lan Xichen will just be another person suffering from this stupid situation.

If they're… If they are something now. If it lasts. He wants it to last. Which is another thing keeping him awake. How much he already feels for Lan Xichen. How his brain has no problem providing him with… Domestic scenarios. That eventually turn into not so domestic ones. But he’s too tired to do anything about his arousal, so his brain instead comes up with scenarios where Lan Xichen tells him he regrets everything about yesterday and does not want to see him again. Those are… not fun.

Eventually, morning comes. Jiang Cheng stays in bed. He has nothing to do today, he’s tired, and there’s nothing waiting for him in his kitchen except for dirty dishes. So, he grabs his phone and watches some cute bunny compilations on YouTube. After the fifth video he does feel better, so when Wei Wuxian’s daily selfie arrives (Wei Wuxian holds up a very large mug of coffee, winking at the camera), Jiang Cheng doesn’t even get angry or sad. He actually has to smile.

He immediately gets up, gets dressed, doesn’t open the door to his kitchen, and takes the bus to his sister’s house.

Jiang Yanli doesn’t even question why he’s there, simply sets the breakfast table for one more person. Jin Zixuan also doesn’t question him, simply makes him some really strong coffee. After breakfast, he's handed Jin Ling, so his sister and her husband can do some chores, which suits him just fine, because Jin Ling is perfect and amazing and the only one who understands him. He's also a little tired and grumpy today - relatable - so Jiang Cheng ends up on the couch with Jin Ling napping on his chest. Which, alas, means he can't move because he'd wake his precious nephew. With Jin Ling’s reassuring weight keeping him glued to the couch, Jiang Cheng has no choice but to close his eyes.

"A-Cheng. Are you asleep?"

"Mhm."

"A-Cheng, wake up."

When he pries open his eyes, he sees his sister, sitting in the armchair next to the sofa, smiling at them.

"I can't move," Jiang Cheng explains.

"I understand." Of course she does, A-Jie always understands.

He does try to assume a sort of sitting position, so he can better look at her, making sure A-Ling still stays in prime napping position. She has That Look on her face, meaning she wants to Talk About Things, but won't necessarily push him.

"It's really nice that you stopped by today," Jiang Yanli says, and without calling in advance to make sure Wei Wuxian definitely won't be there goes unsaid but not unheard.

"I missed my nephew." Jiang Cheng looks down at A-Ling and smiles. He can’t see much more than one of his chubby cheeks smushed against Jiang Cheng’s chest, and it’s adorable.

"And he missed you." Jiang Yanli smiles and leans forward, so she can gently stroke A-Ling's head. "Did you have a good week?"

Jiang Cheng has to think about Lan Xichen and his kisses and his smile widens, grows impossibly soft, before he quickly tries to wipe it off his face. His sister notices it, of course, as evidenced by her slightly raised eyebrows." Yeah… It was good. "

Jiang Cheng hesitates, because he's not actually sure whether he wants to tell his sister about… All of that. For one, she's paying for his sessions. And it still doesn't feel quite real. Ten days ago he felt horrible and lonely and now Lan Xichen kissed him and is attracted to him and said "slowly, but not casually", which… Does this mean they're boyfriends? That's too quickly, isn't it? But they're not dating, because they both hate dating, but they’re not casual, so the logical conclusion…

"A-Cheng?" Apparently not the first time she's called his name.

"I think I have a boyfriend," is not what he wanted to say and yet his stupid mouth fucking betrays him. Jiang Yanli looks stunned for a few seconds - understandable - then a warm smile spreads over her face. Jiang Cheng lifts his hand, before she can say anything. "I'm… I'm not sure I want to talk about it. It's obviously a recent and surprising turn of events and who knows if anything will actually come of it, you know how I am with relationships, they end before they can start - "

"It’s okay. You don’t need to say anything, if you’re not ready yet."

Jiang Cheng gives her a grateful smile. It’s not that he doesn’t want to talk about it, but…

"How are your massage sessions going? How many have you had yet?" A seemingly random change of topic, but considering…

"Oh… Those are… Good. Relaxing." Jiang Cheng narrows his eyes at his sister who looks so unassuming and innocent… Fuck. She knows. Jiang Cheng's face immediately grows hot. He doesn't know why he ever even tries to keep a secret in this family. "A-jie, how did you.. It's not… He is…"

"As I said, you don't have to talk about it. But you can. You can always talk to me. About anything."

She doesn’t mean it as a reprimand, but Jiang Cheng immediately feels guilty. He has been … many things, these past few months. Has sometimes been unfairly angry at his sister, because she still meets with Wei Wuxian, because Wei Wuxian didn't abandon her, too. Has visited less, and not only because he didn't want to risk bumping into his brother. Hadn’t wanted his sister to know how poorly he was doing, to realise how shitty everything in his life was going.

"I know. Sorry, A-jie."

"What are you apologizing for?"

"Just… For being an idiot."

His sister’s smile stays warm, but her tone is a little stern when she says: "You're not an idiot." She leans forward and gently strokes his forehead. Just like she usually does with A-Ling. Just like...

The door opens and someone enters the room. Jiang Cheng turns towards the wall, mortified. Since his sister isn’t home, it must be Wei Wuxian.

“Fuck off.”

Wei Wuxian does not, of course, fuck off. Instead, he comes over and sits down on the edge of the bed.

“I really liked your poem. Which is saying a lot, because I barely made it through without screaming. Horrifying subject matter.”

Jiang Cheng doesn’t answer, just squeezes his eyes shut and tries to get his tears to stop falling with the power of his mind.

“You described that dog in such vivid detail, I thought I’d have a heart attack!”

Is Wei Wuxian here to make fun of him? He knows it was just a stupid little poem that can’t compare to getting first place at that stupid science fair. Isn’t it enough to hear that from his mother - does his brother have to rub it in, too? He knows he’s pathetic, crying about this like a little boy.

“Huaisang was raving about it all afternoon. He really liked the… meter you used. Whatever that means.”

Jiang Cheng wipes his face and turns around. Just enough so he can see his brother out of the corner of his eye. “He said that?”

“Yeah! He also said ‘I didn’t realise Jiang Cheng was able to create such beautiful metaphors, I think I’m going to put him on my list of people I’d allow to give me a blowjob.”

Jiang Cheng groans and fully turns around, so he can throw a pillow at his brother. “He didn’t say that!”

Wei Wuxian easily catches the pillow and grins. “It was implied! Anyway… I thought, maybe you want to write some lyrics for Yiling Laozu? I feel like our metaphor game is really lacking at the moment.”

Jiang Cheng frowns. “If you’re just taking the piss…”

“I mean it!” Wei Wuxians reaches out like he wants to wipe Jiang Cheng’s tears, but seems to think better of it. Instead, he starts stroking Jiang Cheng’s forehead.

Jiang Cheng feels… like his tears are going to return. He frowns even harder. “I’m not a fucking baby. Stop that.”

“Aw, but that’s where you’re wrong! You’re my baby brother! Sweet little ChengCheng!”

“Fuck off!”

Jiang Cheng tries to shove Wei Wuxian from the bed with his foot, but Wei Wuxian tackles him instead, wraps his arms around him and squeezes him. Coos into his ear in a disgustingly sweet voice: “My talented Didi! My precious A-Di! Just a tiny, tiny baby with the heart of a poet!”

Jiang Cheng complains loudly and tries to free himself. But he can’t help but laugh.

"Wei Wuxian sends me a selfie every morning." Once again, his stupid mouth does things without his permission.

"Does he now." Jiang Yanli doesn’t even bat an eyelash at the fact Jiang Cheng’s word vomit jumps from possible boyfriend to Wei Wuxian’s selfies.

"He wouldn't do that if he didn't want anything to do with me… Right?"

"He wouldn't. He misses you.” Jiang Yanli, still stroking his head, hesitates, before she says: “Maybe you can consider it… an opening?"

Jiang Cheng closes his eyes for a while, as though that would help him sort the emotional chaos in his mind.

"Wei Wuxian is dating Lan Xichen's brother."

"Yes."

"Are they… Is it serious?"

Just like Jiang Cheng, Wei Wuxian never had relationships. But not because he was inherently unlovable or scared everyone off with his frown, or anything like that. He used to get crushes all the time that fizzled out just as quickly, said it would be too selfish to be tied down, everyone should be able to enjoy the wonders of being with Wei Wuxian. Though his brother also got way less action than he let people assume.

"Oh, they're… definitely serious." Jiang Yanli laughs.Jiang Cheng opens his eyes again. He wants to ask more, as though now he's fed the monster in his chest scraps of Wei Wuxian’s life, it has realised it’s been starving and craves more and more.

In comparison, it actually seems safer to talk about Lan Xichen. "Lan Xichen might be my boyfriend. Possibly. Hopefully?"

Jiang Yanli, once again, doesn’t comment on the topic change. She does pull back her hand and sits upright, a curious look on her face. "Might?"

"So, we went on a date and we concluded we both dislike dating but like each other and… And he said we should do this ‘slowly, but not casually’. And we… Well, the date ended very… It was nice. So. What do you think?"

He resolutely stares at a spot just above Jiang Yanli's shoulder, refusing to acknowledge his burning face. He's just hot because he's trapped under his nephew who is in the 93rd percentile of weight for toddlers his age. Jiang Cheng’s not sure what it means, but he chooses to believe that A-Ling is stronger and better than 92% of toddlers. And louder than 99%. He’s very proud of his nephew.

"It does sound as though you're both interested in pursuing a relationship with each other."

"So you don't think it's too early?"

"Too early for what?"

"Just… Thinking about him like that."

"You did already like him when you were a teenager."

"What the fuck?” Jiang Cheng does look at her then, mouth open in shock. ”How did you… Nie Huaisang told you, didn't he?"

"He didn't have to." Jiang Yanli tries to hide her smile behind her hand, but Jiang Cheng knows it's there.

Jiang Cheng is just… going to move past this. "But I didn't know him back then. I've not even known him for two weeks and already..."

I'm in love with him. It's not like it's not like him. Jiang Cheng doesn't fall for people often, but when he does, he falls hard. It's just that until now, none of them (none of the two people he’s liked like this before) had ever liked him back.

"Sometimes, two people just fit well together."

Jiang Cheng immediately wants to say "Nobody would fit well with me, I only have sharp edges" but his sister would disagree immediately. And… He can't deny it does feel like they… They just fit, somehow. Even if Jiang Cheng often feels like he doesn't even fit his own skin, like his life doesn't fit him. Spending time with Lan Xichen had been easy from the beginning, the only complications being the issues Jiang Cheng brings into every interaction with another human. And bunny pee.

Jiang Cheng can't help but laugh at the memory.

"Whatever is happening between you two... I'm happy for you. You deserve to be happy, A-Cheng, no matter what you think." Jiang Yanli puts her hand on his shoulder, so he can’t help looking at her. Jiang Cheng does, even though his eyes are burning. His sister looks… intense. The way she looks when something is truly, deeply important to her. "You also deserve to find out that A-Xian doesn't hate you. That he loves and misses you. That he's just as scared he's lost you forever. One of you just has to be brave so you can both realize you still love each other."

Jiang Cheng is saved from having to give a response that's not just crying hysterically, by a very… specific sound coming from his nephew, followed by a very specific smell. Followed by A-Ling waking up and crying, loudly.

"Do you want to take care of this?" his sister asks, resigned to the fact he definitely won’t want to do that. Luckily, there's a solution.

"Jin Zixuan! Hey, come here! Your son is crying for you!" Jiang Cheng yells, sitting upright and carefully holds A-Ling away from his body.

Jin Zixuan does immediately come rushing into the living room, only to frown as soon as the smell hits him.

"Would you mind, A-Xuan…?" his sister asks with the sweetest smile and, of course, Jin Zixuan grabs A-Ling without any complaints, only sends a dark look in Jiang Cheng's direction, who smirks at him.

Jiang Cheng spends the entire day at their house. He helps his sister cook, takes A-Ling to the playground, takes another nap with A-Ling during the afternoon. When hehe falls into his bed at night, his mind feels much quieter and he can sleep peacefully.

Jiang Cheng’s next appointment isn’t until Tuesday, but they exchange a lot of messages in the meantime. Lan Xichen sends him pictures of the bunnies, of his plants, and of his meals. Jiang Cheng, who has neither pets nor meals worthy of taking pictures, suddenly finds himself going on a lot of walks, so he can send Lan Xichen pictures of trees and artsy shots of leaves in puddles. Lan Xichen told him to keep the scarf, so he wears it every time he leaves the house. It keeps him warm.

Now, standing in front of Lan Xichen’s door, Jiang Cheng suddenly feels nervous. They agreed to not mix business with pleasure, so to say. It will be just a very normal session. But Lan Xichen already invited him to stay for dinner after and Jiang Cheng enthusiastically agreed.

It's not a date, because they don't date, but… Will they kiss? He wouldn't mind more kisses…

Lan Xichen greets him with his usual smile and they stare awkwardly at each other for only about ten seconds before Lan Xichen asks him to come inside. He smiles when Jiang Cheng takes off the scarf.

They do manage to keep the session professional, except for one little moment. When Lan Xichen wraps Jiang Cheng in a towel and tucks in the edges, he also tucks a stray hair behind Jang Cheng’s ear. They share a soft look and a smile, then Lan Xichen clears his throat and leaves the room after turning on the music.

Later, they prepare dinner together, and his nervousness earlier turns out to be unfounded. It’s easy for them to just switch into… Jiang Cheng calls it ‘Boyfriend Mode’ in his head, though he’d never say it out loud. Lan Xichen is a very tactile person and Jiang Cheng finds he’s a person who… craves touch. Sometimes their hands will brush against each other, or Jiang Cheng will lean against Lan Xichen, or Lan Xichen will put his hand on Jiang Cheng’s waist or the small of his back. It just seems to come naturally for them and… He never knew or expected it could be this easy.

They kiss. It is simple, like their other touches. Lan Xichen is stirring the pot, while Jiang Cheng tells him about a cute dog he saw during one of his walks. Their eyes meet, Lan Xichen smiles, Jiang Cheng returns the smile. Lan Xichen leans towards him. They kiss. Short, but very tender. Lan Xichen smiles again, his whole face lights up and they kiss again, a little longer. It feels… like a habit. As though they’ve been doing this for a long time, as though they will be doing this for a long time. Which doesn’t mean it’s not also exciting. It makes him feel hot, but in a way that’s soothing… Like drinking hot cocoa after walking through the snow.

During dinner, Lan Xichen asks him about his weekend and Jiang Cheng tells him about the time he spent with A-Ling, which reminds him of the conversation he had with his sister. Jiang Cheng’s first instinct is to ignore that reminder… but Lan Xichen said honesty is very important to him. Jiang Cheng should be upfront. They need to talk about their families and how they want to tell them sooner or later anyway, if this is... And considering their brothers’ relationship… He doesn't want to be responsible for Lan Xichen getting in situations where he might have to lie to his brother or conceal something from him.

So Jiang Cheng spends the rest of the meal trying to mentally prepare himself for yet another conversation about their relationship, possibly about feelings, too. He’s had so many of those in the past few weeks. Maybe all the conversations he’s avoided over the past year can’t be pushed back anymore, and are now trying to break through all at once. Maybe it’s him being selfish… he knows he needs to sort out his life if he wants to be with Lan Xichen. Or maybe… when he cried in front of Lan Xichen and felt safe and understood instead of humiliated… maybe that helped him to stop running away from conversations that scared him.

"Lan-laoshi…There's something I wanted to talk about with you."

"Ah, maybe drop the laoshi when we're... like this?" Lan Xichen chuckles lightly, as he closes the dishwasher. Then he sits back down at the kitchen table and smiles warmly at Jiang Cheng. “What did you want to talk about?”

"Right, I can do that… anyway, I should tell you… I told my sister. About you. Us. This." Jiang Cheng takes a sip from his water, so he stops adding unnecessary words. "I hope that's okay? We didn't really discuss whether… and things are a little complicated right now anyway, with our families… "

Lan Xichen's eyes widen a little. He looks surprised, but not concerned. "Oh, of course. I don’t mind at all."

"Have you… have you told your brother yet?"

"Ah… Wangji knows that there is someone, but… “ Lan Xichen cocks his head, then says softly: “I understand your relationship with Wei Wuxian is somewhat tense at the moment, so… Would you want to tell your brother yourself?"

Jiang Cheng can't help the bitter laugh that escapes him. "I'm not talking to my brother at all these days."

"Oh, I didn't realise… That must be difficult, I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, it's my fault."

Right. Lan Xichen doesn't know. Once he knows, he'll probably be disappointed in him. Maybe get second thoughts after all. He really shouldn't have told his sister, it's too early, too fragile, Nie Huaisang knows too… Soon, they'll both know when Jiang Cheng gets rightfully dumped and…

Lan Xichen rests his hand warmly on top of Jiang Cheng's. His eyes and his smile are just as warm. The gesture is both a reassurance and an invitation. Jiang Cheng doesn’t have to talk about it, doesn’t have to say anything, but he could.

And he really can. He could… tell Lan Xichen anything. Show him the worst parts of himself and… Even if it changes his opinion of Jiang Cheng, he wouldn’t make him feel worse than he already does.

It's not really a conversation that can be avoided, is it? So he should just go ahead and get it over with.

“I do want to tell you… it’s just…” Jiang Cheng sighs and drags a hand over his face. “I’m not sure I can do… I’ve never… So I don’t know how I would… I might be a mess.”

Lan Xichen simply smiles, nods, and says: “Alright.”

Fifteen minutes later, Jiang Cheng is sitting on the couch, a pot of tea is on the table in front of him, and the bunnies are exploring the living room. Lan Xichen places a box of tissues on the couch table, before sitting down next to him. Jiang Cheng can’t help but laugh at that.

He’s never actually tried to put into words what happened, because Jiang Yanli knows what happened. He assumes Wei Wuxian told her, anyway, and the rest she must’ve guessed correctly because she knows them so well… And he’s been ignoring anyone else who could ask about it. So now he has to find words to give to Lan Xichen, has to tell him about how horrible Jiang Chang has been, can be, when he wants to show him anything but.

Jiang Cheng is too scared to look at him while he talks. Scared to see the very moment Lan Xichen switches from sympathy to judgment. He doesn’t want to see Lan Xichen’s eyes when they start seeing him the same way Jiang Cheng sees himself.

He tries to stick to the facts: After Jiang Yanli moved in with Jin Zixuan, they sold their family home.Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian were going to get a flat closer to uni together. They found one; Jiang Cheng paid for the deposit. A week after the move, the day before their moving in party, Wei Wuxian told him he was moving in with the Wens instead to help take care of A-Yuan, since Wen Ning’s hospital stay didn’t seem to be a short one. Jiang Cheng got angry. They had a fight (Jiang Cheng barely remembers what they said) that ended with Jiang Cheng telling Wei Wuxian he’s free to leave. Specifically told him to ‘go the fuck away and stay away’. And Wei Wuxian listened. In the past year, they’ve seen each other two times: Jiang Yanli’s birthday and Jin Ling’s birthday.

Saying it out loud, hearing it out loud…

“So, in conclusion: I’m a fucking asshole. Now you know.” Jiang Cheng laughs, a bitter sound, and his fingernails dig into his palms. He still can’t look at Lan Xichen.

Lan Xichen… doesn’t say anything. But he takes his hand.

“Thank you for telling me.”

Jiang Cheng closes his eyes. Will this be followed by ‘I didn’t realise this is the kind of person you are’ or ‘You’re right, I shouldn’t be doing this with you’? He knows Lan Xichen won’t actually say either of this, but…

“Wanyin… would you look at me?”

Jiang Cheng really doesn’t want to, but… Lan Xichen said his name so carefully, so gently… He opens his eyes and turns his head.

Lan Xichen’s eyes are still kind.

Jiang Cheng’s heart draws tight, so tight it hurts. And then… it softens.

Lan Xichen smiles. This is not unusual. After all, he’s very generous with his smiles. Jiang Cheng still finds himself surprised.

“You must have been very hurt.” Lan Xichen squeezes his hand when he says this. Which is good, because Jiang Cheng can focus on that instead. On the warmth of his hand, his elegant, long fingers covering his. Instead of… How Lan Xichen picked this to focus on, after everything he said.

Did he make it sound like it was Wei Wuxian’s fault? He’s been hiding behind his anger and blame for so long, maybe that has influenced his telling of the events. Maybe Lan Xichen got the wrong idea. “I… Yes, but… that’s no excuse. He was just helping… he was doing the right thing, even if I… and it’s been so long, so I should really… I should have apologized a long time ago, I’m the one who messed it all up.”

“Are you waiting for him to make the first step?”

He can’t hear any judgment in Lan Xichen’s voice. He’s not saying ‘this is your fault, so you should be the one apologizing’. He’s simply asking about Jiang Cheng’s feelings, because he thinks they matter. Though there’s nothing simple about his feelings.

Jiang Cheng has verbalized this part many times. Has said ‘he abandoned me, he should be the one who apologises’, and variations of it, to his sister. But deep down it’s not what he actually thinks. Because Lan Xichen’s eyes are still kind, because he’s holding his hand, because there’s no judgment, because he doesn’t expect him to answer a certain way… Jiang Cheng tries to be honest.

“I think I am. He’s always… Whenever we fought, he was always the one… Well, he didn’t apologise, but he just went back to teasing me, went back to normal… He knows I just get angry, no matter what I actually feel, he used to know that… I thought it’d be the same this time. But… So, maybe he doesn’t want to make up.”

Tears burn in his eyes and he’s not sure it’s even worth the effort trying to hold them back. They’ll spill sooner or later, just like these words are spilling from his mouth, now that he’s allowing them to. He’s still looking at Lan Xichen’s hand. At both their hands, resting on Lan Xichen’s thigh. Lan Xichen’s thumb strokes the back of his hand, so Jiang Cheng continues.

“If I went to him, he would come back. He’s always… I know he would. But I don’t want to be an obligation or a burden for him. I don’t want him to feel pity for me. If he doesn’t want to… And I understand, our relationship has never been easy. We always existed in comparison to each other and I know he held himself back sometimes, to make up for my lacking… I had thought, with my parents gone it would be - which is a horrible thought - but I thought it would get easier, gentler. But I guess I’m still me. So… I understand. And if he thinks I hate him, he’ll stay away. He seems happy with his life, so…”

Jiang Cheng is crying now, can’t even be bothered by it. And there’s still more words waiting to burst out of him, finally freed after a year of living only in the darkest corners of Jiang Cheng’s heart. Lan Xichen still isn’t saying anything, just listens to everything, holds his hand, shares his warmth with Jiang Cheng, so he doesn’t feel cold while baring himself.

“I can’t help it though, I’m still… I’m still angry. Not just at myself, at him. He said we’d always be brothers, would always be together… I know it’s childish, but he shouldn’t have said it if he didn’t mean it. If he was able to just leave like that, he shouldn’t have… They were my friends, too, I could have helped! He just made his choice and left! And fine, if he’s happier that way… Fine! But then he sends me his stupid selfies, every fucking day! Who does that? Why would he… He should just stay gone, if that’s what he wants!”

He draws in a shuddering breath and sinks back against the couch. There. He’s said everything he’s been holding in. He feels… He doesn’t know what he feels. Drained? Relieved?

Though there’s one more thing, one last thought that wants to escape: “I miss him so much.”

They’re both quiet for a while. Jiang Cheng, who is avoiding Lan Xichen’s eyes again, grabs a tissue and wipes his face. He’s thinking about making a ‘funny’ comment about how the tissues did come in handy after all to break the silence, but Lan Xichen is quicker: “Can I give you a hug?”

Jiang Cheng turns to look at him and… He doesn’t know what to make of Lan Xichen’s expression, his voice. There’s understanding and sympathy, but he also looks… sad, maybe, and it feels like he’s asking to be hugged just as much as he’s asking to give a hug. Jiang Cheng nods and immediately, Lan Xichen lets go of his hand, wraps his arms around him and pulls him close. Jiang Cheng returns the hug tightly, buries his face in Lan Xichen’s hair. Tightens his hold whenever Lan Xichen does the same.

The hug is maybe one of the best he’s ever received. Lan Xichen hugs without restraint. Doesn't hold back, doesn’t feel embarrassed about wanting to hold someone. Doesn't feel embarrassed about seeking such closeness.

Jiang Cheng feels warm and safe and… liked. Even after everything he just said. So he keeps holding on to him until Lan Xichen eventually draws back. He doesn’t fully let go of Jiang Cheng, he only pulls away enough to smile down at him.

“Thank you for telling me. That can’t have been easy.”

“Uh, well, thank you for listening. And it… well, actually it ended up being too easy. Sorry, I just kinda barfed up all those words.” Oh fuck, way to ruin a moment.

However, Lan Xichen simply laughs, before he turns more serious again. “Do you want to hear my thoughts? Or do you just want to rest now?”

Oh… He is exhausted. But simply the fact Lan Xichen gives him this choice is enough to makes him want to keep talking. “I’d like to hear what you think.”

Lan Xichen turns a little, so they can look at each other more comfortably. Jiang Cheng also adjusts his position, until they’re facing each other. Lan Xichen takes Jiang Cheng’s hand again, while the other rests on Jiang Cheng’s knee.

“I don’t think you’re an asshole.”

Jiang Cheng grimaces at such an obvious lie. Lan Xichen chuckles and lifts his hand to smooth out Jiang Cheng’s frown with his fingertips. “Don’t frown, let me finish talking.”

He rolls his eyes a little, but stops frowning and nods.

“I think your anger is very understandable. Your hurt, too. It’s easy to look back at this moment and see everything that went wrong, what you could have done better. But back then you were shocked and hurt, so you lashed out. It doesn’t matter if your brother had good intentions, or did ‘the right thing’... that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be upset how it affected you.”

Lan Xichen casually wipes away a tear that escaped Jiang Cheng’s eye and continues talking.

“It seems you’ve carried around this moment since then, have thought about it every day, have regretted it every day. And every additional day you weren’t talking made what you did worse in your eyes. So with every day that goes by, trying to fix it becomes even harder. But I don’t think it’s impossible, not at all. What you told me just now… you could tell it to Wei Wuxian.”

Jiang Cheng, who had been stunned into silence by Lan Xichen’s words simultaneously piercing his heart and soothing it, adamantly shakes his head. Probably frowns again. “ Fuck no. I can’t talk with him about this… I’m not good at talking about my feelings.”

“Oh?” Lan Xichen seems to be holding back a laugh. “But you just did it. Very well, in my opinion.”

“That’s different!”

“How?”

“Well… because you’re you. And Wei Wuxian and I… we never talked about the painful stuff because we knew it would end badly. And even if I would manage to talk about it without getting angry or saying hurtful things… Getting him to talk honestly about his feelings would be just as difficult.”

“Maybe he’s been thinking about this as much as you did and has his own regrets.”

Jiang Cheng's first instinct is, of course, to disagree, but… Lan Xichen has said so many things he wants to be true, has said things that felt true… “Yeah… maybe.”

“I know confronting the issue is scary. But maybe it’s more scary to think this… hm… this limbo you’re in will continue? You’re regretting, you’re missing him… but you’re also still hoping. I think so, anyway.”

“Yeah…” Jiang Cheng rubs the back of his neck. “Yeah… maybe… “

Lan Xichen looks at him fondly, eyes crinkling. He caresses his cheek again, wiping a few more tears in the process. Jiang Cheng would like to hug him again, would like to kiss him, to bury himself in his warmth. But he realises he really needs to blow his nose, so he does that instead of any of those much nicer things. “Ugh… sorry. Somehow I always end up crying all over you.”

“Ah, last time it was my turn, now you again… it can be our thing.”

Jiang Cheng gives him an incredulous look and they both laugh. “No thank you, that sounds exhausting. I’m sure we can think of something less emotionally draining.”

Lan Xichen hums, clearly amused and presses a kiss to the back of Jiang Cheng’s hand. “True, that would definitely be preferable. But… just for the record… I do not mind. Thank you for trusting me with this. I know how difficult it is to show someone… the parts of yourself you’re ashamed of. It’s something I’m still struggling with. ...As you know.”

Lan Xichen seems embarrassed, which Jiang Cheng cannot accept, so he lifts their hands and presses a kiss to Lan Xichen’s hand this time. “I do trust you. And I… you’re much better at all of this, of course, but you can trust me too, with stuff like that. I’ll try to be… you know... Uhm, anyway, I think I do feel catharsis now! So maybe that’s just our thing, haha.”

“Mhm, definitely sounds better than emotional devastation. Though I suppose they often are closely linked.”

They share another smile, and Jiang Cheng once again thinks how much he’d like to kiss him. But once again, he doesn’t. He suddenly becomes painfully aware of the dried tears on his cheeks, so he excuses himself to go wash his face. He returns to Lan Xichen sitting on the floor between the bunnies and joins him.

This time, Cloud doesn’t pee on him. Lan Xichen still drives him home later and they kiss in the car.

There’s an underlying tenderness every time Lan Xichen touches him. Jiang Cheng only hopes his own touch feels the same. But this kiss… It’s really… They’ve been good at kissing from the start. But this time…It leaves him breathless.

It’s a kiss like their hug earlier. Without embarrassment. Without the need to hold back or hide any feelings. Even though Lan Xichen would have every reason to be cautious.

Once they’ve caught their breath, Lan Xichen invites him over for Thursday afternoon. No massage this time. Just a walk, then tea and cake at his apartment after. Jiang Cheng agrees, obviously. Even if he had class or something, he’d probably still agree. After a kiss like that…

Later, he finds himself in bed with a notebook. It’s a present Wei Wuxian got him - made for him - for his 18th birthday. It has Jiang Cheng’s poems, in beautiful calligraphy… and with illustrations by Wei Wuxian. He even drew a dog for him.

Wei Wuxian… probably misses him, too.

Maybe they can be better brothers after all this. Maybe Jiang Cheng can be a better brother.

The thought of contacting him is still terrifying. But… it feels like the terror becomes smaller.

So, maybe soon…

#the untamed #mdzs #xicheng #Jiang Cheng #Lan Xichen #cql #modern au #JC actually talks about his feelings #To Meet You verse #betty drabbles

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a-very-fond-farewell · 4 years

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The forbidden crack! Untamed prompts: 19/?

Wedding Planner AU [xicheng edition]: “Chickens on the Loose”

[let me have this]

Jiang Cheng doesn’t believe in love and that’s precisely the reason why he plans other people’s special day. The most extravagant, the boldest, the loudest, the better. Because if there’s something he got to accept over the years is that people aren’t willing to pay for something realistic, but for something unattainable instead. Over-compensating bland, ordinary reality with fantasy and dreams is his job and he’s well aware that no one can compete with his genius. Not with his father owning a catering and food chain company. Not with his mother being the most sought out wedding gown fashion designer on the market. They taught him everything there is to know on how to make other people’s dream come true before the inevitable envelope of a dainty, innocuous divorce application can make its way in a once happy household. Better make the satisfaction last, because Jiang Cheng will only accept advanced payments in cash, no monthly installments allowed.

His sister YanLi may have married honoring tradition over useless exaggeration, but what did her love bring aside from suffering and neglect? Marrying into the richest family in the country to the heir of a textile empire has given her nothing but sorrow and a husband too proud and distant to even visit her regularly. Jin Ling growing up without a father, spoiled rotten by the wrong side of the family who lured him into their shining world of nothingness day after day. At least Jiang Cheng’s family did rise from nothing and learned to trick the rich into relying on useless services soon enough. But Jin ZiXuan and his family had never worked once in their life and didn’t know how to take care of their loved ones. Not that Jiang Cheng’s parents could do any better, their marriage a wasteland where no love could grow, but at least they were honest about it. Better enjoy a dream while it lasts.

That is why if even Wei Ying’s marriage were to turn out to utter shit like YanLi’s, at least it will not be Jiang Cheng’s fault. Everything needs to be perfect, from the vows to the tea ceremony, from the food to the color scheme, from the seat arrangements to the music. Hell, some of his stepbrother’s requests may be too much to handle for most, but not for Jiang Cheng and if Wei Ying wants a parade and a whole week worth of celebrations, Wei Ying will have exactly that.

Hence he will not, under any circumstance, allow anyone snooping around as he plans the wedding of the century. No, not even the fiancée’s overprotective older brother asking people for blackmailing material on Wei Ying behind Jiang Cheng’s back. Not even if he pays him in nature, no ma’am.

... . ... . ... . ...

Lan Huan is the best divorce attorney in town precisely because he believes in unconditional love. That’s why he doesn’t see the point of two people (or three people, on one memorable case in Europe) spending the rest of their life together if change is inevitable and something to be expected. He would much prefer to get the best deal out of it for his clients and prevent children to suffer from it in the process.

Judges fear him and his diplomatic smile that can never hide his tunnel vision drive for victory. His trusty private investigator Nie HuaiSang is equally terrified by his assets, but still feeds him with the juiciest details whenever Lan Huan asks for favors, discreetly requesting the younger man to do background checks on this or that subject. Settlements may be nice, but not if the (soon to be ex) husband or wife in question can be easily found guilty of adultery, gaslighting, or even violence. Not on Lan Huan’s watch.

That’s why his world gets completely turned over the moment his younger brother Lan Zhan announces his intention to marry a man he hasn’t known for a full three months yet. Truth to be told, Lan Huan had never seen him this happy: glowing with something akin to adoration, affection dripping from every pore, love spilling all over just by mentioning one name, Wei Ying. In case this rascal happens to crush his precious baby brother’s heart, Lan Huan needs to find dirt on this man and squeeze everything he has out of his dead cold hands the second his brother files a request for a divorce.

But for some reason Nie HuaiSang cannot seem to be found for the job this time around. Not unlike most of his other contacts and informants, who have seemingly disappeared at the mention of his brother’s fiancee’s name. If this Wei Ying is such a big fish in the sea to make even Lan Huan’s most loyal colleagues dissolve into thin air, then he must find the answers by himself.

And if it means to bomb the wedding preparations to get shit done, oh he will. He’s not above flirting to get what he wants, but if this Wei Ying turns out to be a good person in the end... well. Lan Huan prays things won’t get too messy to proceed with the celebrations in the end. Hopefully, that is.

[fun stuff under the cut.]

NHS went to uni with Wei Ying and he knows LXC won’t find anything on him bc WWX himself is a blackmail master and will 100% diss you in front of your children calling you out on your deepest secrets so no. NHS will not mess with that and he urges to do as much to all LXC’s informants and sources.

JC looks scary but his staff loves how dedicated he is and they make bets on when he’s going to lose it and sleep with someone out of frustration. although they think he gets more turned on by going over every point in his check-lists at times...

LXC’s colleague always ask him if he’s dating anyone, clearly to set him up with someone (who will not be of LXC’s liking, he’s sure). to which he answers by smiling and lying saying he has a terrible personality. since nobody believes him, he asked his friend Meng Yao to make a scene at the firm once: (all too pleased to mess with his bestie’s reputation) Meng Yao murder-walked into the office and demanded to meet LXC, only to cry in front of everyone and smack him across the face for cheating on him. THEN his sister A-Su made her sudden appearance and smacked LXC’s other cheek lamenting the same, ridiculous thing. the two siblings gaped in fake horror at each other before spitting on LXC and storming off of the building.

NMJ laughed his ass off for weeks after the sharade. he started dating A-Su not long after (with both JGY and LXC’s blessings) bc he was mildly impressed by her willingness to jump on the opportunity to make a fool of both LXC and her brother at once. LXC thinks they are a good match, but he worries A-Su might be too tiny and full of undiluted mischief for NMJ to be able to handle her antics.

NMJ used to date LXC, but they were too driven and competitive to let their relationship get in the way and in the end they stopped seeing each other. they still care deeply for one another, but they love their jobs at the firm too much and making things messy at the office wasn’t worth it. A-Su knows about it and doesn’t feel left out because of it, glad that they settled into their respective lives while still being loyal friends to each other.

JGY tries to set LXC up with a new woman every week, saying he would benefit from having a cute wife taking care of him. but LXC doesn’t know what business JGY has to talk about women that way when Meng Yao’s been a raging homosexual since the first time he has landed his eyes on another boy in kindergarten. too many crushes on boys to even be aware of how many hearts he has broken in his life. all those pretty girls falling for his looks, poor kids. only JGY’s younger brother Mo XuanYu could rival his victim count, but barely so.

ZiXuan is secretly keeping an eye on his half-brothers and half-sister while he works as a representative for his family company and this is mainly the reason why he has distanced himself from YanLi and Jin Ling in these past few years. he would like to approach his three half-siblings and maybe have a chance to rekindle lost relationships, but by stressing over it he is losing sight of the found family he actually has. YanLi wants him to come around, eventually, but she knows how lonely ZiXuan has been with no siblings and how secretly jealous he is of the bond that she has with her family. so she won’t pressure her husband, but she feels lonely nonetheless.

the two wangxian lovebirds are too happy to notice the mess LXC is making and they don’t even realize he’s there until like, three days before the actual wedding.

LXC may be a shark but he’s not subtle. JC doesn’t know what he does for a living but he assumes he has too much time on his hands, hence not someone worthy of his time. but LXC always causes troubles on the venue or messes up with the flower arrangements or prods for information to the wrong people and JC is over it.

“if you don’t have anything better to do help me find the sommelier so I can ask him what’s wrong with him and if he studied anything at all” or “if you have so much time to waste be useful and learn how to make flower crowns for the children to play with” or “if you can sit on your ass all day at least look over my nephew while I go look for someone to emotionally bully to let off some steam.”

Jin Ling is five and even more bossy than his uncle and orders LXC around to be his pony when JC should babysit him at work. LXC discovers the boy is JGY and A-Su and Mo XuanYu’s nephew and that JC doesn’t what any of them to interact with Jin Ling. but LXC secretly lets them hang out with the boy when JC is too busy to notice.

JC and LXC get closer the more the latter understands that there’s not much dirt on Wei Ying (aside from some questionable pictures taken during a university party back in the days, but that’s beside the point). LXC appreciates how crafty and ingenious JC is, always helping others around instead of just shouting orders...even if his temper is atrocious at times.

JC forces LXC to take dance lessons with the lot of the main family members and LXC meets JC’s mother for the first time. she is competitive about her dancing skills and Wei Ying tries to win her over by asking her to show everybody how it’s done by leading her ex-husband in a tango. after publicly humiliating her ex-husband (and making him fall in love with her once more), she insists on practicing a waltz with LXC and basically threatens him to cut off his balls if he dares to lead JC on with his charms.

LXC realizes he’s been playing and flirting too much with the man for him not to notice, but JC seems oblivious. no. he’s completely oblivious and kind and beautiful as he dances with Jin Ling and twirls him around in delight. LXC played too hard and now he’s in too deep.

the only source of drama in this would be JC finding out LXC let Jin Ling hang out with his other uncles and aunt despite the warnings. JC was starting to trust the man... and LXC stabbed him in the back. he would have much preferred not to discover it from his nephew (who let it slip that LXC “told him not to speak of his uncles and aunt to Jiujiu”), because he would have given LXC a chance to explain himself otherwise. but no. JC cannot have good things apparently and now he’s heartbroken without even knowing why.

without the lucky charm that is JC (holed up in his flat eating junk food to forget the pain of being an afterthought in other people’s lives), everything goes to shit three days before the wedding: the chef quits, the tea set for the ceremony breaks, one of the maids has accidentally torn apart one set of wedding robes and so on.

the venue gets flooded with live chickens when a truck transporting them breaks down in front of the building and the chicken escape. Jin Ling is loving every second of it, but everything gets destroyed in the ruckus and JC’s hard work is ruined.

Wei Ying is heartbroken and Lan Zhan silently accuses LXC of being the cause of this and urges him to fix the mess unless he wants to receive the cold shoulder for the rest of his days. but LXC is a cowards and spends his time actually fixing the broken things or replacing them or finding seamstresses to help with the garments and so on himself. anything but facing JC and be rejected.

ZiXuan comes to his senses and blurts out that “he really just wanted to have a loving family” the moment JGY, A-Su and Mo XuanYu come check on LXC. they hug and cry and laugh and YanLi gently reminds them that this is not about them right now and that they should help with the preparations if they have so much time on their hands. her mother is very proud of her and nods appreciatively at ZiXuan’s shocked and weirdly intrigued expression after being humiliated so boldly in front of everyone. the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree indeed.

the day before the wedding Wei Ying threatens to call the wedding off if JC doesn’t show up for his big day: not because he’s the planner, but because Wei Ying wants him close on his happiest day and he will not have it any other way.

LXC goes to fetch JC in his apartment himself the night before the wedding and they yell and they make peace and then they make love and then they woke up late the next day and they have to rush to the venue.

Wei Ying is livid until JC appears and then they celebrate the wedding of the century. A week of celebrations later Lan Zhan deadpans that they actually got married already like, one month in after meeting each other, but Wei Ying wanted a big wedding and he didn’t want to deny his husband a single thing.

JC tries to strangle his brother as the last family picture is being taken.

give me an award already.

#mdzs #cql #the untamed #the forbidden crack! untamed prompts #xicheng #wangxian #mdzs/au: modern #mdzs/au: wedding planner #mo dao zu shi

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aspiringprofessionalnerd · 4 years

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Wei Wuxian and the Trauma of the Burial Mounds

Sorry folks I am officially In My Feels after therapy this week, and then I came online this afternoon to see that @hunxi-guilai has knocked it out of the park with their analysis again. I love to see that people are talking about the portrayal of WWX’s trauma on a larger level, and I wanted to add my two cents:

Pre-Resurrection

First of all, I want to acknowledge that WWX is far from the only person who experiences trauma throughout the course of CQL ahem Jiang Cheng . Even WWX endures various types of trauma throughout his first life. But what I’m so impressed (and gutted) by is the way in which the show establishes that it is WWX’s first stint in the Burial Mounds specifically that breaks him (or, at least, catalyses his breakdown).

We know WWX has had a difficult childhood and teen years. He lost his parents at a young age and had to survive on the streets for an unspecified amount of time, facing physical and logistical hardships like running from dogs and battling starvation (no cultivation training yet, so no opportunity to train inedia) as well as the grief of losing his parents. Yet, remarkably, aside from his lingering fear of dogs, these incidents don’t seem to leave too many lasting physical or emotional scars. WWX is able to jump around and play with his adoptive brother on his first night at Lotus Pier, and when we see him in his teen years at Cloud Recesses Summer Camp he is a warm, bubbly individual with no reservations about physical contact (on the contrary, he’s more gung-ho about it than LWJ would like). He remains open to new experiences and new people, and even though he uses humour to obfuscate at times, the people close to WWX can still see through to his deeper intentions (take, for example, Yanli reminding Jiang Cheng that WWX is serious about the important things). Moreover, once the Jiang siblings and WWX return to Lotus Pier, we gain a greater appreciation for the past things WWX has survived, including years of verbal abuse some awkward family dynamics. Madam Yu’s words obviously hurt him, but even so he bounces back almost immediately and diverts his attention to comforting Jiang Cheng despite the fact that he is still recovering from Teenage Mutant Murder Turtle injuries himself. I think there is an important distinction to be made here: it’s not that criticism and harsh conditions just roll off of WWX. He DOES process and internalise them, but he keeps going and maintains his faith and openness in spite of having these negative experiences. Clearly, he is a remarkably resilient person.

After the massacre at Lotus Pier and Jiang Cheng’s loss of his golden core, we see WWX wrestle with more complex emotions: grief, guilt, and concern. It’s obvious that Wei Wuxian is suffering acutely, but he’s still doing it in a way that’s very true to his character as we know it. He’s crying. He’s seeking physical comfort from Yanli. He’s proactive, looking to plan and problem-solve. Yes he balks a little at what JC’s core recovery will involve, but his overall reaction is primarily one of satisfaction and relief.

We don’t see too much of WWX between the mountaintop ordeal and his dropping into the Burial Mounds, but I think we have enough material to say that he is still in command of his own mind and maintains his sense of agency. You can tell that our Wee Sweaty Boi has been through the wringer, but he’s still quite animated and even cheeky when facing off against Wen Chao and Wen Zhuliu in the teahouse. That dog speech? Damn. Classic WWX. He might die, but he’s not going down without getting the last word. It’s only when they are all riding swords to the weirdest and most out of place glam rock score in the entire series wtf over the Burial Mounds that we see an inkling of genuine horror cross WWX’s face.

Take now, by contrast, WWX’s reactions and interactions post-Burial Mounds. His flinchy moments inspired such a visceral reaction in me. I’m a repeat trauma survivor as well, and when I saw the way that WWX jerked back from NHS’s hand, it was deeply uncomfortable to watch precisely because of how familiar it was. This is an instinctive, almost animalistic response to touch, and it’s a FEAR response. Moreover, this isn’t some rando about to bump into him; this is one of his best friends from childhood. This is the reaction of someone who has survived by believing that the only possible safe space he has is within the confines of his own body; if anyone touches that, it will shatter. Wei Wuxian’s logical mind can tell him that NHS is not a threat, but his trauma-brain can’t turn off the panic simply by knowing that. (And why should he trust his logical mind, anyway? As we get glimpses of in the first few moments of the Burial Mounds, it’s as much the voices of people he knows and loves as the voices of unnamed resentful souls that prey on him during those three months. The psychological trauma in the Burial Mounds was not just the introduction of external threats, but the convoluting of things WWX knew and loved into instruments of torture so that even once he returned to the world, he could not shake those negative associations.)

We get an equal-but-opposite illustration of WWX’s trauma in instances like his reunion with JC and LWJ or his soup session with Yanli. There’s a deadness behind the eyes, an uncanny stillness. Wei Wuxian is in survival mode, going through the motions of what ‘should’ be his return to normal life but wondering why it doesn’t feel right this time. Wei Wuxian had told himself in the Burial Mounds that all he needed to do was survive the Burial Mounds themselves and then everything would be alright: he would go back to Lotus Pier, JC would be healed, and he would make up a new version of the plan that had been shot to hell (I’m convinced that WWX DID originally have a plan for how to navigate life in Lotus Pier post-golden core; however, he never got to put that plan into place because he got dumped into the Burial Mounds before he could enact it). But Wei Wuxian returns, and what he’s told himself isn’t true, because in all his planning for returning to Yunmeng he didn’t account for the fact that what it took to get there would fundamentally alter him. As a result, Wei Wuxian doesn’t fit anymore--not because the world has changed, but because Wei Wuxian has changed. And he can’t talk about that with anyone.

Why not? Sure, in part it’s because he feels bound to keep the secret about Jiang Cheng, but I think there’s another aspect here that’s been significantly overlooked: namely, that Wei Wuxian is the ONLY person to survive the Burial Mounds in any kind of living cultural memory. The problem isn’t so much that he can’t tell people as it is an issue of no one being able to understand or relate to his experiences even if he did share them. After all, how do you convey to an outsider what it was like to survive for three months in a place where every single bit of torture was customised to draw on YOUR individual, personal fears and hurts? Significantly, this is also the point in the story where we see Wei Wuxian begin to answer questions by in turn asking, ‘Would you believe me if I told you...?’ The question is rhetorical: he doesn’t expect people to believe him (although it still hurts when they don’t), but even if they do believe, it’s still not enough because they don’t understand. IMO, the rest of WWX’s issues leading up to the cliff at Nightless City stem from him trying--and failing--to come to terms with the loneliness of that knowledge.

Post-Resurrection

After WWX comes back, we see a shift in him. He’s no longer focused on the fact that no one will understand him; he’s decided that having someone (namely LWJ) believe him is enough. This resolves many of the auxiliary issues that had been plaguing WWX before his death, but it does NOT resolve the original trauma of his first experience in the Burial Mounds. WWX continues to have nightmares, and what are they about? Not Lotus Pier. Not Qiongqi Way and his sense of guilt. Not Shijie getting stabbed right in front of his face. Not his final, distraught moments with LWJ and JC. Nope, his nightmares continue to revolve around falling into the Burial Mounds all those years ago: an experience for which even death and rebirth are insufficient to ease the pain.

I’m convinced that even at the end of CQL Wei Wuxian still has a LOT of healing to do, and I think this healing is not something that can happen through Lan Zhan’s love alone. Thank goodness for fanfic and headcanons, eh?

**Gentle reader, this turned out to be more like 50 dollars than two cents. Thank you for reading to the end if you’re still with me!

TL;DR I believe Wei Wuxian’s turning point moment in the story is his dumping into the Burial Mounds. It’s easy to get swept up in how many terrible things happen to him AFTER that in the lead-up to Nightless City, but I genuinely think he could have endured the loss of his Jiang family, the censure of LWJ, and society turning against him if he had not been psychologically broken during his first three months there. The writers, directors, and Xiao Zhan give us a very raw, real version of what trauma looks like with their depiction of post-Burial Mounds WWX, and it is utterly harrowing.

#cql #xiao zhan #big angst vibes #the untamed #meta #wei wuxian #i've edited this too many times because i'm a perfectionist #but it's still a mess because i've picked up slang from each country i live in #also talking about my own feelings?#nope don't like that one bit #projecting hard #ptsd #mdzs

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theuntamednarrator · 4 years

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Shenanigans on the High Seas

from @trensu, the blog that brought you WangXiantics, and from that other blog that just, like, screams a lot in the tags, comes the AU that we all desperately need because, frankly, we’re a little dehydrated from crying over the Nie Bros (drumroll please)

PIRATE AU!!!

You know you want it

the Zidian is Jiang Cheng’s ship. he inherited it from his mother, who was known as the Violet Spider, Scourge of the Seven Seas

before she retired, Captain Yu had two first mates she’d trained since childhood, Wen Qing and Luo Qingyang

after Captain Yu retired they got married and are now Pirate Wives with an-all female crew aboard the Yiling Matriarch

her bright red sails are just as feared as the purple sails of Zidian or the sable sails of Ghost General

any man who sets foot on the Matriarch best be prepared to lose it, and the leg it’s attached to

rumour has it that every carpenter from beijing to budapest pays the Matriarch a commission, for keeping them in work making peg legs, but that’s just a rumour

JC captains the Zidian alongside his first mate Jiang Yanli

the rumours about her say that she’s the reason there’s so little murdering done by those aboard the Zidian

but the crew know she once ordered a captive tied to a chunk of bait and thrown overboard near Shark Reef Bay

granted, she let the crew fish him back out after the first bite, and Jin Zixun never said another word about Captain Wei Wuxian until he was ransomed

but still

speaking of WWX, he captains the Ghost General, though far from doing any actual captaining he’s usually to be found up in the crow’s nest with a bottle of rum and his flute

luckily, his trusted first mate Wen Ning is more than capable of handling the General

his very favourite targets are the Jin Company’s slave traders, and most of his crew are former captives who chose to stay with him after their rescue

regardless of how drunk he might be, no one can fight like Captain WWX, except perhaps JC and JYL, they did grow up together after all!

because WWX was a foundling fished from the wreckage of a vanquished merchant ship by the Violet Spider at age 6 and taken to the island hideaway where her lover, former merchant sailor turned stay-at-home-dad Jiang Fengmian, is raising their two children

because this is a HAPPY AU DANGIT, and we deserve ONE AU where these two don’t traumatise their children

Captain Yu and JFM are in fact very, very happy together and raise little WWX together alongside JYL and JC

Captain Yu and JFM met when she raided his ship

he offered himself and all the gold aboard in return for his crew’s lives

she thought him rather striking and went about setting him up on a little island she knew, very out of the way, where she can visit as often as she likes

JFM is DELIGHTED by this turn of events, which he loudly denies has anything to do with Captain Yu’s famed skill with a whip

while JFM was settling into his sugar baby life, his crew were returning back to their home port to report to JFM’s business partner, Lan Qiren, that the Violet Spider had killed JFM and taken all their gold

LQR, who had secretly been in love with his best friend and business partner for years, declares the Violet Spider his ARCH NEMESIS and sets about trying to destroy her

when his brother and sister-in-law die and leave his two nephews in his care he ropes them into the feud

the Lan Brothers both join the merchant navy and are the very most eligible bachelors polite society has to offer

they hate all pirates of course but especially the unholy trio of Zidian, Ghost General, and the Yiling Matriarch

this makes it VERY awkward when Lan Wangji finds himself THROWN OVERBOARD during a terrible storm, rescued by WWX, and dragged aboard the General

at first, recognising the uniform, WWX keeps LWJ under his eye by tying their wrists together with a length of rope for absolutely no other reason definitely not cause he’s cute, nope, no sir

later, LWJ manages to snatch a sword and an EPIC DUEL ENSUES *cue he’s a pirate (main theme) from PotC here*

they’re in the rigging, they're sliding down the sails, they’re fighting up and down the deck

LWJ is HORRIFIED to realise at one point that WWX is laughing

even worse, he, LWJ, is having fun??? wtf he’s never had fun in his life how dare

after the fight ends in a draw LWJ and WWX come to an Understanding and have many deep and meaningful conversations as they sail back towards port

both of them fall madly in love of course, but Pirate!WWX and Midshipman!LWJ are just as emotionally dense as the OG varieties so there’s A LOT of pining

Seriously- so. much. pining

they probably battle a sea monster at some point because that’d be sick

finally, they arrive back at the port and WWX asks (sadly, because pining) where he should leave him and LWJ says (sadly, because pining) that any of the Gusu Cloud piers is fine

and WWX laughs because how funny! my dad used to be a merchant sailor for the Gusu Cloud Company

which is how LWJ discovers that the ‘dad’ WWX has been telling stories about for literal WEEKS is actually his uncle's now not-so-long-lost-love!because they are both Disaster Drama Gays™ they decide they simply MUST do this Right. After all, it’s an Epic Reunion™!!!

LWJ convinces his uncle to come out sailing with him (even though LQR has not boarded a ship since JFM was lost, cue sweeping nostalgic music and distant stare into montage of the two of them in their Youth)

they row him blindfolded out to the island where JFM and Captain Yu live and the moment LQR sees JFM it’s jaws to the floor.

there are tears

JFM puts his hands on LQR’s shoulders and says ‘my old friend. you never said’

they hug

it’s adorable

don’t roll your eyes it’s adorable and you know it

Captain Yu and LQR still Do Not Get Along

their Epic Rivalry™ continues but now it’s just morphed into them trying to outdo each other in displays of affection

JFM’s little island house soon holds more jewels, gold, fine silk, and artwork than half the royal coffers of europe

family dinners are a DELIGHT

JC freaking runs whenever his father hosts Captain Yu and LQR for dinner

because 1) god dad, you're so embarrassing, and 2) HE DOES NOT WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING THEY GET UP TO BEHIND CLOSED DOORS THANKS

JYL thinks it's sweet and loves seeing her dad so happy

WWX does the pirate-time equivalent of a bro fistbump with JFM, like, NICE.

LWJ is very quiet but secretly loves it because he, as we all know, is That Bitch

‘A wedding! I love it! drinks all round!’ – WWX, probably, when the three finally announce they’re getting married

the wedding is WILD

there’s a whole lot of dancing, WWX is in the thick of it of course

LWJ wants so badly to ask him to dance but he still hasn’t told him how he feels (because emotionally dense disaster gays, remember?)

he finally has to go outside after WWX somehow convinces LQR to dance a jig with him which means WWX has officially asked everyone to dance except him

he goes and sits in the tidal rockpool, and his billowy white shirt is all wet and see through when WWX comes stumbling out of the party calling for him

WWX sees LWJ silhouetted by an endless horizon of ocean and stars and dies. he's quiet for the first time in his whole life

then LWJ turns and sees him so of course WWX has to go down and talk to him. he may be a pirate but he’s not a barbarian (unlike some certain nies we could name but won’t he’s definitely not still salty about the arm wrestle incident with Captain Nie’s ‘little brother’ eh he’s not much of a fighter but he’s great with languages yeah right his wrist still hurts sometimes bloody barbarians)

‘ah lan zhan lan zhan! you aren’t allowed to run away; we haven’t had a dance yet. even your uncle danced with me surely you can’t say no!’ *pouts*

lwj.exe has stopped working

but of course he can’t deny WWX anything so he makes to head back inside

now wwx.exe has stopped working

because to HELL if he’s sharing wet LWJ in a see though white shirt with the rest of those imbeciles

‘ah, um lan zhan lan zhan we can hear the music from here just fine can’t we? let’s just dance right here?’

and of course LWJ says yes

so the two of them just dance together on the edge of the ocean, waves lapping over their bare feet

until a particularly big one knocks them flat (listen, it’s a trope for a REASON dagnabbit)

WWX ends up sprawled over LWJ’s chest and he’s laughing and apologizing

but LWJ is just looking at him, wreathed in stars, eyelashes so wet and glittering, the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen

WWX notices how still he is and they just pause for a moment and stare at each other

doesn’t really matter who kisses who but they are kissing and it’s wet and salty, there is sand in their teeth, and they absolutely do not give a flying dutchman

they don’t even register the cheers and catcalling until JC runs up and dumps a bucket of water over their heads

because dammit he hasn’t spent months running out of every room his parents and LQR are in just to watch his big brother pop his cherry get it on on the beach

the rest of the gang are all watching from the porch

WN and LXC look very awkward and embarrassed

JYL looks fond and is shaking her head

JC meanwhile is having a heated argument with WQ because there were bets on you see

WQ ‘pouring a bucket of water over them is cheating I’m not paying you one penny JC’

JC ‘I’m a pirate why on earth would you expect me to play by the rules pay up Captain’

WWX and LWJ sneak away while they’re all arguing

The General has one new crew member when she next sails out

ANYWAY married gay pirates wangxian having adventures AU is what we’re saying

Also for your consideration other delightful Pirate!AU options include:

naval officer!lwj chasing down pirate!wwx (think norrington/sparrow if Disney weren’t COWARDS);

high society!lwj in love with blacksmith-turned-pirate!wwx (the Elizabeth Swann/Will Turner dynamic, except with Swann in the forge fight because we said so);

davy jones!lwj pining for calypso!wwx (carving your heart out = chest brand anyone? seriously, just imagine LWJ setting foot on dry land for the first time in 13, 16, 10 YEARS, playing the song he’s composed for his love and WWX IS NOT THERE!!!!)

#the untamed #wangxian #pirate!au #trensu tells stories #theuntamednarrative #long post

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