#i was painting this while experiencing very negative emotions

[posletsvet]

Thoughts on Geto Suguru's Psychology Pre-Defection

There's something that I've been meaning to talk about for a while now, and that is Geto's apparent tendency to conceal his negative impulses that allows for, in my view, faulty interpretations stating that he was faking his righteous beliefs all along just because assuming high moral ground gave him a sense of superiority and fed his ego. Meanwhile I would argue that, on contrary, this habit is more indicative of Geto's insecurities and heightened sense of self-awareness.

My thoughts on this underneath the cut, but beware: it's going to be long!

To begin with, I think there are two major factors playing into the misconception that I mentioned. The first one boils down to prejudice forcing people to look upon younger Geto through the lense of a person he would go on to become. The kind of cautious logic that says that a deeply empathetic, caring highschooler couldn't have turned into a murderous cult leader preaching the merits of genocide, and thus seeks ways to dehumanize him from the very beginning (because that's a terrible concept to wrap your mind around, I agree). And the second factor being... well, that Suguru's behaviour really does come off as fake at times.

We experience 'negative' emotions as naturally as 'positive' ones, and despite some of them are conventionally accepted as 'good' whereas others are painted as 'bad', no emotion is inherently harmful or invalid; they all are a part of what makes us human. While it's undoubtedly a chilly and ominous concept for someone to be completely devoid of any positive traits, just as unnatural it is to display positive responses only. Perfection is stored away at museums, no living breathing human being can go through their life without being affected by negative impulses or thinking. But more often than not negative emotions are condemned and stigmatized (in the end, we still refer to them as 'negative'), and self-consciousness can make one ashamed or guilty of experiencing them. The end result of this would be trying to hide your feelings under one more appealing appearance, creating a warp between what's intuitive and what's manifest, an inadequate emotional response.

Gojo (at least in his teenage years) is widely outspoken and doesn't hesitate to outwardly express himself, whether verbally or via body language. It probably takes root in Gojo's upbringing: he was spoilt rotten, revered for being born with a silver spoon in his mouth, his every whim indulged and tended to. There simply wasn't any need for him to try and make a good impression by faking docility and emotions that are more pleasant and easier to digest. Gojo may be boisterous and bratty and obnoxious, but he isn't trying to 'trick' anyone into thinking he's better than he really is, and this paints a more sincere, believable picture to the audience.

On the other hand, Geto's emotions, partly due to his more solemn demeanour, are often toned down or consciously concealed. For instance, when Riko manages to strike a nerve in him, his response is to immediately plaster on mawkish 'customer service' smile to not give away his annoyance. This scene is especially interesting to me because of how Amanai's reaction gives voice to the audience's concerns. Referring to Suguru, she says, 'You look like a liar!' -- and by doing so calls him out on his tendency to mask negative emotions. Intuitively, she can still read his feelings in his body language, in the delay in his expression rearranging itself into a smile, and so can the viewer. We know he's annoyed, and his words about having no intention to harm Riko don't exactly align with how he behaves (even if in a playful manner) a moment after saying them. It creates a tangible contradiction between what he says his intentions are and what his actions speak of, between the appearances and what lies behind them. And this contradiction raises suspicion, in a way that if somebody's making an effort to hide something, then there must be something to hide.

In retrospect this doubt might seem reinforced and justified. I see how it's easy to fall into thinking that Geto, having become a criminal who's done unspeakably cruel things and who backs up his delusional ideals with bigoted reasoning, should've been hiding darker parts of himself behind all those fake smiles and talks about righteousness. But pinning the blame on Geto alone by claiming that he had violent tendencies to begin with is essentially disregarding systematic issues that the story strives so much to convey to the audience. Holding innate individual qualities accountable for the catastrophe is basically the sort of thinking that the higher-ups display, whose main strategy for dealing with problems is public scapegoating and disposing of every single threat to the current order by giving out one death sentence after the other. I don't think we as the viewers are supposed to reach the conclusion that Suguru is at fault for what happened, which is not to say he's faultless, nonetheless the narrative goes to great lengths to make us sympathize with him, not the other way around.

Now, there's really a handful of ways in which Geto's character seems to contradict himself. He shares overspilling empathy for the people around him, that is his character's core trait, but that very empathy spells out his downfall when it degrades into resentment and hate. He displays a largely considerate and sympathetic demeanour, but he's first introduced to the audience as someone who backhandedly bad-mouths Utahime for being weak. He's one half of the strongest duo, but whereas Gojo is a natural-born genius, Geto evidently struggles with his powers. His entire career as a curse user is based on the mentality which justifies the means to an end, but reaching the end goal is impossible for him as he is, Geto himself as much as admits to it during his last conversation with Satoru. He sets on his wild-goose chase for power, but ends up stagnating to the point where his use of Curse Manipulation in the Hidden Inventory Arc is much more inventive and creative than in Jujutsu Kaisen 0. The list goes on, but you got the gist.

To live for the purpose of being yourself. And for that goal, Geto could only continue to pursue his twisted dream, drowning himself in a curse that lies in the gap between ideal and reality.

I believe this to be such a poignant phrase when it comes to Geto's characterization because of how well, in my view, it encapsulates the conflict of his character -- or, if you will, the contradiction of it. It succinctly expresses his outlook on things, where he views the world how it's ideally supposed to be rather than how it realistically is. I've actually somewhat already elaborated on this in my very first rambling on here:

To me, Geto seems to be a type of person who needs something to guide him, some clear-cut ideal to make it possible for him to navigate through his life. He is pedantic in that sense: the sharp outlines of his views define his surroundings, the very way he looks at things and perceives them. He needs everything to fall precisely in line with his own set of ideals, which seems to be quite verified and well-adjusted within his mind, like a strict and refined concept he constructed for himself, like a routine he's used to following out of pure principal. His own belief system being so defined, it's that which makes him indulge in excessive discourse on the subject of morality and responsibility, like he's patiently laying out the basics in front of a disobedient child to help them wrap their mind around some fundamental truth that is so obvious and natural for him.

In a way, Geto concealing his negative emotions is not a false front put up against scrutinizing looks that could reveal his 'true nature'. Quite the opposite, I think it speaks more of his well-meaning intentions. When trying to change the way things are, start at yourself, and I guess this is the principle Geto's trying to apply here. By following through his own ideal, Geto does his best to be an upright person he believes himself obliged to be, whether that means forcing himself to absorb curses or putting on a customary smile. It might be juvenile and wishful thinking on his part, probably akin to 'fake it till you make it', but it's important to keep in mind that at that time he was still but a teenager. Moreover, he was put on par with somebody as praised within jujutsu society as Gojo, he must've felt on top of the world, too entranced by their warm spring of youth to care too much about the occasional slips. With Satoru by his side, I imagine Geto could afford to cut some slack and participate in the mischief. Later we see post-defection Geto drop his frivolous facade only when he's entirely alone -- another hint at how Gojo was really the only person Suguru allowed himself to confide in, that is untill the SPVI put uncrossable distance between them.

While I do say that Geto's intentions are well-meaning, the way he positions himself actually reveals some quite problematic aspects of his mindset. Namely, his attitude towards non-sorcerers, whom he clearly sets into a different category from himself and his fellow sorcerers. Regular people lack crucial understanding, they are weak because they are helpless, therefore they have to be shielded from the source of harm. This is a largely patronizing concept of empathy, since it's based on the notion that the 'weak' are inherently inferior to Geto himself and others involved in jujutsu society. It's interesting how it's reflected in Geto's insistence on the necessity of curtains. The use of curtains furthers the extent of non-sorcerers' ignorance, they never learn how to stay out of harm's way as they are deprived even of as much as their perception of the existing danger. It reminds me of how a parent would brush a child's concerns aside because they're too young and naive and do not need to be aware of adult life's hardships. Just like Geto's paternalistic outlook, it does not come from malice or negligence, it's just an attempt to keep someone less experienced and skilled safe. Nonetheless it's harmful as it puts that person in a position which denies them agency.

In my view, Suguru's fake smiles are an extension of his acute sense of responsibility. In front of those over whom he assumes responsibility, he presents himself as calm, collected and dependable as if it's supposed to reassure them. It's his job to protect them and make them feel safe, so there's no need showing them his own struggle. Even if such thinking is condescending, it's not in any way malicious. Geto's entire character arc would be simply non-existent if he wasn't completely genuine in his sentiments.

So why do I talk about Geto's insecurities when first introducing the topic of this post? Well, I'm about to take a deep dive into the field of speculation and theories and finally get to the point why I'm writing all this in the first place (took me long enough, lmao). There's also a reason why I brought up Gojo's upbringing when talking about his personality and how it contrasts Geto's. You see, like Satoru's way of dealing with his emotions can be linked to his childhood experience, Suguru's behaviour might also give us some clues about the circumstances he grew up in.

The more I look into it, the more convinced I become that Geto was in one way or another exposed to emotional trauma in his childhood. Remember when I mentioned inadequate emotional responses? While being one, smiling in reaction to stress may act as a defense mechanism of sorts, shielding the person from the chronic nature of the unpleasant experience. It also may serve as a way to avoid alienation by others who are not privy to the source of your distress or are not comfortable with it. Affiliative smiles are motivated by social factors, it's a tool used to create and maintain social connections. Human beings are hardwired to connect with others, feeling alienated by the people around us causes us great pain.

The thing us, we must assume that Geto is relatively new to the jujutsu world in the flashback arc. Given his non-sorcerer background, chances are he was the only one in his immediate surroundings with the ability to see and exterminate curses. There couldn't have been a way for him to confide in someone with his concerns and fears born from interacting with something only he could see. So I assume that eventually that resulted in Suguru developing an unhealthy habit of masking his emotions before the ones he cared about. And as over time he grew more aware of his abilities and got a grasp on how his CT works, I imagine Geto committed to exorcising curses in order to protect ordinary people from them -- all by himself. This, in turn, must have solidified that conception in Suguru's head which ultimately othered him from the people around him and put them in a position inferior to him since they were the ones depending on him and his powers.

As Geto should've mostly kept to himself, I also see how he might have grown heavily reliant on his analytical mind. Overthinking is a habit developed early on in life as a way to wade through feeling uncertain or unsafe. It's an attempt to make sense of confusing reality by applying an analytical lense to it and compartmentalizing it into neat, easily understandable categories. And also a way to regain sense of self when you find yourself in a situation you otherwhise have little to no control over. And while over-analyzing can create a sense of security, it may also interfere with a person's emotional responses. I guess it's something that could be applied to Geto, too, because for such a self-reflective character he always struck me as someone with oddly little regard of his own feelings.

As a side note, I like how Geto's tendency to over-analyze things is shown in that one scene when Yaga's briefing him and Gojo on the upcoming mission. Suguru's clearly presented as someone who's very mindful of how the world around him works. Understanding helps him assign meaning to different aspects of life, and he relies upon it heavily. Also, as someone who's been uprooted from his former society and introduced instead to an entirely different world, I guess it's important for Geto to fit in. Him being highly knowledgeable about such essential details is, in my view, indicative of such effort on his part. Whereas Satoru simply does not care about such details, the reality makes sense to him as it is as he was born perfectly fit into it.

Last but not least, Geto's infamously guilty of a dichotomous, or black-and-white, outlook on things. This is the all-or-nothing mentality that leaves little to no room for nuance and does not allow two opposite statements to be true at once. It's a common cognitive distortion that manifests immature thought; a rigid mindset more often than not bordering on extreme. Meanwhile the very foundation of Geto's downfall is the inability to adapt to the complicated reality which doesn't align perfectly with his idealistic vision. He ultimately failed to wrap his head around the world with grey areas, his black-and-white thinking thinking prevented him from doing so.

The development of such maladaptive personality traits has been repeatedly linked to the effects of childhood trauma. If the environment which a person grew up in was traumatic and chaotic, black-and-white thinking might have given them a sense of control through rationalization. That's why a mentality which doesn't allow for nuance and doesn't reflect life in its intricate complexity comes off as childishly simplistic. Seeing the world in all-or-nothing terms in some way means reverting to your inner child. And this is actually something that Shoko accuses Geto of during their brief conversation in Shinjuku. In his thinking Geto doesn't grow past his traumatic experience, whether it was his parents actively abusing his abilities for their own gain or the ache of being alienated at such an early age.

If the nature of Geto's relationship with his parents was abusive, it would also explain his altruism. Suguru goes out of his way to express his concern for well-being of those around him, and he does genuinely care, but all the while it could be a way for him to tend to his own unsatisfied needs by helping others. He seems to be highly attuned to others through his empathy, but also somewhat has trouble advocating for himself, resulting in harmful patterns of self-sacrifice or self-neglect.

It's true, there is a lot of contradictions housed within Geto's character, which are evident in his mindset and his actions. But I don't believe this to be due to sloppy writing, on contrary -- it's the kind of writing that speaks through detail and nuance and invites the reader to ponder why is this or that character the way they are.

#jjk #jujutsu kaisen #jjk analysis #jjk meta #geto suguru #gojo satoru #might as well tag him #i'm so sorry it's way too long for something so irrelevent considering all the recent events #and it probably needs proper structuring #i guess i'll edit it some time eventually #maybe

[azirapherale]

you know those byzantine iconographic paintings from art history class where jesus makes this symbol by touching his thumb to his ring finger? or this other one with index and middle finger up near the thumb, other two fingers curled down? remember the scene where nina holds up 6 fingers, then 1, then makes a kind of ball shape: six shot, one big cup. she mouths the words as she's doing the gestures visual non-verbal communication all of it

keep those images in your head

a fun thing to do is to learn bits and pieces of lots of languages another fun thing to do, for very questionable values of fun, is to watch the ineffable break up sound off, no subs (only sobs). it feels like watching two man-shaped beings who know every language ever have 2, maybe 3 different simultaneous conversations

ok so look i know this has ConspiracyTheoryMapGuy.jpg written all over it - AS IT SHOULD - and it's prob natural gesturing in an emotional scene, but ... i kinda think i see some BSL signs while they quarrel?

*stop *go *upstairs/ heaven (oh my yes, they're actually the same sign or so similar I can't tell them apart) *if it's not upstairs it might be understand (and wouldn't that be fascinating) *downstairs *i/me *you *possibly the sign fight (it's fast and blurry so it could as well be car) *something that puts me in the mind of the letter Z but probably isn't *talk/say (but it's in a blurry OTS so idk, I'm prob assigning some pattern i know to extremely random noise) now if you follow me on main you know i play with languages pretty much all the time. what that means wrt this post is that i'm not by ANY metric a sign language user. I'm a hearing person who wanted to understand the basic syntax and (try and fail) to understand the grammar(?) conveyed by position in signing space of british sign language. why bsl? fuck if I remember but odds are some linguistics subreddit is to blame. so I learned just enough BSL to be tempted to see it where it probably isn't and there's a lot of noise to signal in the scene (good for hiding signs, bad for lv negative 200 amateur linguist). realistically I think the whole scene is a tragic poem meant to be experienced not solved, and I've def had the experience [mumble mumble] times but my brain thinks it saw a pattern so if you read this now you're cursed with the idea too

#good omens #good omens meta #language

[lostinvasileios]

Signs.

Sometimes signs aren't always what we expect or had asked for. I know, "I asked for this specific sign but I didn't get it so that must mean they don't like me or something!!!" honeybee, calm down.

Sometimes, signs are things we do not expect. Sometimes, signs aren't what we asked for. But that doesn't always mean something bad! You can relax.

For example, I asked Apollon to play a specific song on his playlist during shufflemancy as a sign. Did he play it? No, he didn't. But he played different ones. Ones that would allow him to show himself to me more clearly, more prominently, more -- lovingly. That would allow me to feel him. To imagine him.

Sometimes, signs can take a while to get to you, as well. It doesn't mean the deity doesn't care to answer you. But most signs, in my experience, aren't always that immediate. They take time to prepare. Deities won't pop up and do dances for you, just as, they don't want or expect you to dance for them, either. (Unless you dance together or something. Then have fun! But, you get what I mean, right?)

A long time ago, I asked Loki to send me spiders as a sign to show he was listening to my prayers, that he wanted to be around me, ect. And, it took 3 days for spiders to show up. In those 3 days, I felt - a little scared, to be really honest. Not a lot, since, me and Loki had already experienced each others presence before. When they finally showed up, Loki had sent them in BULK. I mean, they were practically everywhere and almost always caught me off guard. He would send them big, small, ect.

He even had one to watch over me in the corner of my room. I named him Jerry. I'm very scared of spiders, all bugs really. But, over the course of time, I've started to learn that bugs and other small insects are simply how most of my deities will show themselves if I'm not specific about what type of signs I want. (You don't need to be specific for signs if you don't like to do that, by the way! I simply find it easier to tell what is and what isn't a sign that way most of the time.)

The point is, signs can literally come in all shapes and sizes. Expected, unexpected. Timed, random, it doesn't matter. And they aren't always physical. A sign can be a smell, a thought, a feeling, a gust of wind, a dream, someone texting you a kind word, and so on.

Signs will come to you if you ask. Signs will come to you if you believe they will. Signs will come on their own time. One thing that helped me a bunch, was just simply - listening to my emotions when I came across something. Found a seashell? Oh, Apollon sent me that! My sister bringing me an owl shaped chocolate for Valentines? Again, Apollon! (I love owls, haha.) A random image popped into my head that I feel I should paint? Oh look, another sign from Apollon. This can go on. If you feel like somethings a sign, it most likely is. It's up to you and your deity!

Don't stress over signs. Sometimes, you won't get any signs. At least for a while. And that's okay. It doesn't make you less. It doesn't mean anything negative from the jump. You're going to be okay, bee. Breathe.

You're loved. Don't worry.

#to: apollon #witchcraft #witch advice #deities #deity witch #deity work #mother witch advice #theistic satanist #theistic satanism #satanism

[nalyra-dreaming]

About train scene: one thing that never meant sense for me is Claudia crying. I know how it's sound, that's why I never brought it up BUT would that be in-character for Claudia to let Louis know she cried?

I can see her crying from horror and frustration of being caged but Claudia always striked me too proud to let Louis know about it. He, of course, could read it from her thoughts, but Claudia always was pretty good at shielding from him when she wanted.

That's why I think while scene happened, it happened differently, can't imagine Claudia showing vulnerability like that with Lestat (...unless to manipulate him? 🤔 but I doubt it: she tried to pleade to his softer side with "uncle les" during DV and it brought opposite effect, Claudia is smart, she won't repeat her mistakes) OR with Louis (now HERE she could've lied to make Louis leave Lestat, which I wouldn't blame her)

Or maybe Claudia told Louis everything with dry facts and Louis painted the picture himself. Understandable too. He was scared and sad for Claudia, that's why Claudia is openly scared and crying in his retelling.

Yes, Claudia is extremely clever, and if the end of ep5 happened that way she definitely learned from it. And that obviously carries repercussions for this scene, either way.

Given how empathetic Louis is, how deeply he feels I would lean here towards him "experiencing what he is told/can glean from her thoughts" in what we saw. Projecting, if you will.

And I don't mean that negatively here.

But Louis sees Claudia in a very distinct, idealistic light. She is his redemption, his daughter, whether he might call her sister or not.

Of course he would think she cried when Lestat dragged her home - wouldn't you? Of course he would interpret certain statements / thoughts a certain way. And of course - if indeed taken from her thoughts? Or even dragged out of her in discussion? - the retelling of those events came with the full emotion of the storm of puberty that Claudia is eternally trapped in. She matures in her mind, definitely, but her hormonally charged emotions paint the world in stark black and white contrast, pun not intended.

And, lets not forget, Louis closes the narration of this and the following (chess) scene with the conclusion that they "had to kill Lestat". That is the conclusion to this part of the tale. The message he repeats, because he wants it to land. That is where he wants Daniel to end up in understanding, too. It's why he tells it like he does.

So yes. I also think something like this happened - but as shown*? No.

(*and wrt to shown: We do not know (yet?) whose POV we are on for the scene... as said before, it's not underlined by diaries, it's not Claudia's. Is it Louis' imagination? It cannot be his memory. Or is it Daniel's imagination/dream of what Louis narrates, maybe? If so then there is even another layer to it.)

#Anonymous #amc iwtv #iwtv #amc interview with the vampire #interview with the vampire amc #iwtv amc #iwtv 2022 #interview with the vampire #iwtv meta #vc meta #interview with the vampire meta #claudia de lioncourt #lestat de lioncourt #louis de pointe du lac #trains #train

[heartshapedbubble]

this one was requested in my dms so i'll keep it anonymous but here it is - my first wlw ask! anon i really hope i wrote it the way you wanted 😭 i kinda got carried away while writing so these are like 40% comfort 60% fluffy/general hcs whoops looks like i have more ideas for her than i thought

michiko comfort/fluff hcs with a female s/o🌸

michiko is a quite introverted and shy woman

she prefers to keep her emotions to herself as she doesn't want to burden others with her problems, even if it means breaking down after too much negative emotions bottle up

one day she got matched with you - it caused her great stress to have you watch her hurt the other survivors in order to get by and afterwards she let you go

it doesn't help that your teammates were being rude to her and stunning her all the time, she was so stressed to the point she got rougher and more aggressive while hunting and even accidentally injured them more than she intended to

she deeply cares for you and doesn't want you to see her bad side she has to show in the game

you decided to visit michiko after today's match. you saw the bitter expression on her face from the survivors' side, nervously spinning her fan in her hands. the urge to go check up on her was stronger, and you found yourself gently knocking on the door of her room, waiting for a response.

"come in." her soft voice called from behind the door, and you carefully entered her room.

michiko was sitting and facing the window, not even looking at you as you entered. her hands were clutched together, nervously stabbing her thumb with her nails.

"hey, don't do that. you'll get hurt." you approached her from the back, gently resting your hand on her shoulder. is everything okay?

"yes, it's fine, if i could say so. sorry for today's match." a lone tear rolled down her cheek. "i was... so aggressive today. i let my emotions win over after getting stunned again and again and- i'm sorry you had to see that." just then you noticed scratches on her chest, presumably from the old, dusty pallets on red church. "is william okay? i accidentally hit him too hard today."

"yes, he said it was just a scratch and that he'll be as good as new tommorrow. however, are you really okay? " you rolled down your sleeve and slowly brushed away the tear. "please don't do this to yourself, michiko. it's not always a good thing to keep every problem to yourself."

she sometimes vents to you, even though she hates herself for it - but the feeling of comfort that comes after is truly irreplacable, and she trusts you so much

when she's in a vulnerable situation like that she doesn't let people see her face and hides it in either your skirt or chest (she feels bad bc the paint then stains your clothes so she'll wash them for you afterwards)

her favourite type of comfort activity/self care to do with you is either putting on makeup/skincare or eating :] as much as venting/cuddling makes her feel relieved she often feels like it's a one-sided thing, so she prefers doing an activity where you two both have fun and participate in!

^ it also helps her get her mind off of any stressful situation

for makeup - she's very graceful and quick with the application, so if you're not experienced she'll gladly help you out! but if you want to do her makeup she is more than willing to let you do it

for skin care - she loooves skin care, it's so therapeutic and refreshing

often insists on massaging face masks into your face and she has this cute mini ritual thing?? basically she first draws a heart with her finger on your forehead, then pinches your cheeks and then boops your nose she has no idea why she does it but it's cute

while not in matches she keeps her nails short and wears pastel nail polish with occassional cute nail art

aaand it's another thing she enjoys doing with you, a great opportunity to chat too

always recommending you new brands and types of products to use

for eating - michiko is actually kind of anxious about eating in general bc of some bad experiences a long time ago and eating with her loved ones makes her feel more comfortable

her favourite type of food are various noodle dishes! on good days you two will cook everything from scratch, using veggies from the manor's garden and on some worse days you two will end up eating instant ramen

besides noodles she likes tea parties (AND PICNICS!!!!!) and various sweets! however she's not as skilled in preparing them compared to other dishes so you two will usually end up watching mary making macarons or emily making key lime pie

a lot of other residents are also invited to them so it's a great chance to get to know them better - mary, keigan, ann, bane, joseph (very rarely though since he's busy, he often just stops to chat and grab a macaron) etc.

when you two have a tea party alone though it's a bit more intimate - she feels like she's the most expressive about her problems during them and she encourages you to do the same so you two can help each other out

if she's worried about something she clears her mind by taking a walk in the sunny manor garden with you while appreciating the beautiful plants and flowers, her pink parasol shielding you both from the strong sun

enjoys dancing with you :) no matter if it's something traditional or a bit more modern (she would really like 50s-60s pop music imo! especially lesley gore)

knows a bunch of fan tricks! likes to decorate her fans by painting on them too

also a big enthusiast of secret kisses (aka her hiding your faces with her parasol or her fan while you two kiss nfndnfjr)

in conclusion she prefers taking her mind off troubling things by doing something that makes her happy with people she loves! she'd also accompany you if you were troubled or sad, no matter the way you cope with your problems

doing anything with her is incredibly fun since she loves to talk and has so much things to say, she just needs enough time and the right person to fully open up :)

#identity v #idv #idv fanfic #idv headcanons #idv imagines #identity v headcanons #identity v x reader #idv x reader #identity v x you #idv scenarios #idv michiko #idv geisha #identity v michiko #identity v geisha #michiko idv

[klaeus]

Whats it like to date Klaus (in general)

ㅤㅤi mean, to put it simply, it's a lengthy uphill battle. not only does he have more than his fair share of issues and enemies, he is also a master of self-sabotage. ❛❛ he's doing what he does. given a chance at happiness, klaus runs the other way. ❜❜ this really stems from two main beliefs of his: 1. he doesn't deserve happiness. 2. happiness is a weakness, and so is love. not only does loving someone make them a liability as a potential pawn for an enemy to use against him, but it also means handing them the power to hurt him. that's two risks he's very unwilling to take on, and those are only like ... entry level stuff anyone that wants to date him would have to break through lmao. say they make it through that first layer - underneath is rampant paranoia, possessiveness, a controlling nature and a large but fragile ego propped up by deep self-loathing and doubt. they would need to go into a relationship with him expecting to need to be patient, reassuring, willing and able to soothe his fears and build up his confidence / faith in the strength of their relationship so he isn't constantly worried about them leaving him. it'd be a hell of a lot of work.

ㅤㅤbut if they can hang on long enough to dig past the bad, klaus does love very strongly, twisted as that love may be, and is endlessly devoted and protective. guarantee the person with him has never experienced such a deep love, nor one with such a promise of eternity. he is intense in all things, and once he's hooked in, they have him forever ( save for if they choose to abandon him ). klaus has a habit of hyperfixating on his chosen person, and this can easily slip into obsession, hence that twisted aspect i mentioned earlier. this is where his possessiveness and controlling nature can come back in, but honestly, if he truly likes someone, he lowkey respects and enjoys them giving him pushback and putting him in his place, so to speak - so even if he tries to control where they go or who they talk to, they can literally just tell him to piss off and he's like damn, okay, i'll back off lmao ( he's the type to find backtalk from his s/o sexi fdksl ). it would be him constantly fighting against his covetous nature, because while he inherently wants them all to himself, he doesn't truly want to isolate them and make them miserable. it would take time for him to learn how to regulate these negative emotions, but i could definitely see him wanting to do so for the right person.

ㅤㅤon a more positive note, klaus enjoys spoiling his s/o in all ways possible. travelling around the world, getting them lavish wardrobes and accessories, painting countless portraits of them, giving them literally whatever they want that's within his ability to get. quality time is very important to him, and he will try to spend 24/7 with them if he can ( to a clingy degree 🙄 ). he obviously struggles with verbally expressing his feelings, and attempts to compensate for that with gift giving and physical touch; the latter being a big sign of his trust in someone, as he's very skittish with being touched. cuddling, holding hands in public, falling asleep together etc are all things that would be reserved for someone he was serious about, and had trust in. he's also of course very devoted to taking care of their physical needs, but i'm trying to keep this serious rather than thirsty 🤭 long story short there though, he views satisfying them as his favorite pastime hehe.

ㅤㅤtl;dr it's exhausting, aggravating and overall just a lot. but can absolutely be worth it after he's given time to fucking chill.

headcanons on this subject can also be found here, here, and to a lesser degree here.

#i need a nap #answered ooc. #malka lisitsa #headcanon. #q.

[blackswallowtailbutterfly]

“When she was talking about her supposed abuse, she was acting!”

Of course she fucking was. She’s an actress. She has a particular skillset and training and she had to tell extremely private and humiliating experiences to the whole world. You think she wasn’t going to use that?

I too have a particular skillset: writing. And I used it in my victim impact statement in the case against my stepfather. You think I was going to write something to read in front of an audience the way I write casually? The way I speak when talking to friends? Fuck no!

You people are judging her testimony based on how you talk with your friends about this shit. She wasn’t talking to friends, she was talking to millions of actively hostile people. Of course she was going to put on a performance. The emotions she expressed were still real--yes, even though she seemed to switch off quickly afterward, an ability by the way which is common to victims of trauma--she simply conjured them to try to use to her advantage.

You can talk about the worst shit in your life with trusted friends and barely get misty-eyed. Even laugh while you’re saying it. Hell, it’s common to do so. How the fuck do you think that would have gone over for her (you know exactly how)? And now I think about it, I remember when I first called the sexual assault crisis number about my stepfather. At that point I had already told my nana and some other people and was at the point of, yeah, this happened, it’s out now, and I wasn’t a mess about it. Yet the second my call was answered and I heard the voice on the other end of the line, I burst into sobs. I remember feeling embarrassed afterward, like I had faked it even though it was a pretty spontaneous reaction. Anyway, after the poor receptionist put me onto an actual counsellor who set up an appointment I was no longer upset and just resumed my teenage activities.

See, it’s not pleasant to conjure those memories and especially not to conjure up all the negative emotions you felt, so yeah, you’re going to drop them the second you can, and it may very well seem like an abrupt switch. It’s not actually that abrupt. The thoughts are still in your head for some time afterward but you have ways of coping with him and ways to distract from them. Expecting Heard to continuing to perform the emotions for you even while she’s off the stand is pretty fucking perverse.

That fear she displayed, though, when he came in her direction in the courtroom? That was not a performance. That was a deer in the headlights response to being unexpectedly face to face a few feet away from your abuser whom you have told the world is your abuser. The way she walked away while being escorted by the security guard telling her “he has his back to you” wasn’t a performance either. She didn’t have time to rehearse that. She was done performing, He was presenting her with something new. When their eyes met, did she see a look she knew all too well? Interesting that he, the supposed abuse victim, headed straight for the exit closest to where his supposed abuser hadn’t even left the stand. And laughed when he saw his effect on her.

And here’s the thing: Depp was acting too. He also is an actor, remember? One whom many people agree is quite talented, he has awards and nominations for fucks sake! He’s an actor who has a lot of charm, and one who has practice using expressions in subtler ways to express emotion to an audience. And he does it quite effectively. I could almost be convinced--did my own father not act exactly same way with similar tones and mannerisms when telling a story. And I do mean a story, see, you couldn’t trust a word out of my father’s mouth. He’d paint himself the victim, his actions the desperate ones of a man who had no other choice, and you’d believe him--if you didn’t know for a fact that what he was saying was bunk.

When men act we praise their sincerity. When women act we shame their insincerity. An experienced and talented male actor can tell his side of a story and we call it truth. A less experienced actress tells her side side and conjures up a high level of emotion to do so and we call it lies. Society believes men, not women, and there is not a thing Heard could have done differently that would have made people believe her who don’t believe her now, no matter what they say. If she hadn’t conjured up all that emotion, if she’d spoken about the abuse she endured more calmly and expressed emotion more subtlely, the way Depp did, she’d have been accused of copying his style, and you are delusional if you think otherwise. If she’d spoken about it the way one would with trusted friends, she’d simply be accused of lying and of treating the whole thing like a joke, and you absolutely know that’s what would have happened.

Anyway, expecting me to believe she was the abuser means expecting me to believe she planned some ridiculous con for 7 years for absolutely no real payout. This isn’t a fucking movie where surprise! the woman was the evil one all along! This is real life. Was there exaggeration in her testimony? I’m sure there was. See, I did a lot of research on abuse while trying to process my own and it turns out “exaggerated and untrue information” is actually common in victim testimonies and in reports to police. Not because what happened to them isn’t true but because A) trauma fucks with memory and B) victims are afraid they won’t be believed. Yeah, I can believe there may have been some exaggeration to an otherwise true account. I can’t believe she was somehow calculating enough to cook up this whole thing but also not smart enough to not keep faking emotion until she wasn’t on camera anymore.

As for all the abuse victims who believe Depp over Amber, like, I’m sorry, but you fell for another abuser. And I sure hope you don’t do the same when your sister, cousin, or daughter falls for one. Because abusers charming the loved ones of their victims, charming experts, charming former abuse victims, charming law enforcement, and charming other people you’d hope would know better? That’s common too.

#my posts #abuse #domestic violence #men's violence against women #victim reactions #victim testimonies #intimate partner abuse

[millhavenn]

Reddit repost 1—Will and Eleven, season 4.

Will looked Mike in the face and used El as a means of projecting his own feelings and has lied about those own feelings to Mike for numerous seasons now.

So ?

Will had a very good reason to lie, and it was not harmful. Eleven had a very bad reason to lie, and it was harmful.

So Eleven feeling like her life was turned upside down and being bullied isn't a good reason to feel ashamed to tell people she cares about, including Will or Joyce, when she already is worried about her self esteem. Nope that's hypocritical. Will cannot hide in shame behind his self view and you blame Eleven for doing the same.

Eleven told Will about being bullied. She lied to Mike, and Will was aware of that, repeatedly reminding her that it was not the right thing to do—it hurt all three of them. Eleven continued on to use it to invalidate Mikes own experiences.

Her lie was ultimately negative and caused pain to multiple people. She had no reason to lie, because it was an experience unique to many people, and she knew that Mike would not think of her differently—nobody would.

Will told Jonathan (indirectly) about being gay. He lied to Mike, and Jonathan was aware of that, repeatedly reminding him that it is the right thing to do—it only hurt him. Will continued on to use it to give Mike and Elevens relationship the support it needed.

His lie was ultimately positive and caused pain to only himself. He had a reason to lie, because it was an experience unique to few people, and he knew that Mike would see him differently—everybody would.

You cannot compare a truth that would receive little to no judgement, to a truth that would receive a lot of judgement. Bullying and homosexuality are two different experiences. Will is risking his relationships and his well-being, while Eleven is not risking anything.

Elevens lie was selfish. Wills lie was selfless.

No she didnt tell Will. Will saw it happen and saw how Eleven kept being in obvious denial of what was occurring. She was in a depression after numerous things occurred in her life and viewed herself as too different to be accepted so she definitely did think and fear Mike was thinking differently of her, based on the word love being in the letters or not.

Youre making excuses to justify Wills lie. Saying it was selfless.

Both of their lies stemmed from the exact same thing, judgment of feeling different and like an outsider. The loopholes you jumped through to try to make Will into the good guy and El into a selfish liar is just sad.

It took you 16 days to write a response, and you still managed to not properly process what I am saying.

Selfish—the tendency to act excessively or solely in a manner that benefits oneself.

Selfless—the tendency to be concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with one's own.

The use of Wills painting and love is what made his lie selfless. He conveyed his emotions through the guise of Mikes girlfriend who he had been experiencing trouble with, though it hurt him an incredible amount.

He lied to protect his identity, which is selfish, but he only did that to bring comfort to his friend, which is selfless. He did not want to indirectly confess his feelings, but he saw that Mike needed that. Mike needed the reassurance that came with it, even if it was a lie.

El is the complete opposite. Nothing that she did made her lie selfless. She lied to protect her identity, like Will, but she did not do that to bring comfort to her boyfriend—she did it to bring comfort to herself. That is selfish. Mike did not need that.

Will is the good guy, and El is the bad guy. No character is perfect, and neither are they in this situation, but one is vastly better than the other. That is not a bad thing to recognize, Clemand.

#byler #stranger things #anti mileven

[fascinatedhelix]

So, watched the playthrough of Bendy and the Dark Revival, and here’s some assorted thoughts:

For starters: I choose not to completely believe the story Joey’s “memory” told Audrey. What I’m thinking happened was that the Ink Machine borrowed from her repressed memories when she arrived, leading to the generation of the memory objects scattered around the map, as well as the creation of Joey Drew’s shade within the story. He’s not necessarily Joey’s ghost, but a literal manifestation of Audrey’s memories of her father.

What I think happened with Audrey is that, at some point in her late childhood she noticed some differences between herself and other children, and asked Joey about it. He gave her this whole presentation about her being an ink creature, painting himself as sympathetically as he could in the process, and she didn’t take it all too well. Hence, the forgetting; as an adult, she likely suppressed those memories to cope with the existential terror of being something beyond the understanding of the world she’s known all her life.

I don’t think the Ink Machine requires sacrifices in the same way everyone assumes it does, and that’s why so many of its creations are incomplete, monstrous, or otherwise not what they’re intended to be from the beginning. The ink is imprinted upon by anyone who has contact with it, absorbing memories, emotions, ideas, etc. to use in the fleshing out of its cartoon world. If you want something specific, you have to be very careful with the impressions you give upon the ink, or else it’ll turn out sideways. The Ink Demon didn’t turn out completely different from what Joey wanted because he lacked a soul, but because the ink had been tainted by the negative emotions experienced by those working directly with it (specifically, the overworked artists drawing Bendy with that ink, the frustrated musicians writing music with that ink, etc.). Audrey only turned out right after Joey’d isolated the variables (i.e. working alone on this project) and tried multiple times to figure out what precisely went wrong with his process, and even then, she’s only “almost” human, not completely.

Because of the impressionability of the ink, I do believe that the majority of the ink creatures in the Cycle are the result of the Machine kinda just taking impressions of people who interacted with it, or in special cases had their souls unwittingly photocopied into the ink (like Henry, Allison, and Tom). Yes, there are quite a few that were people who died or got consumed by the ink while alive, but they’re not as common (otherwise it’d have been much harder for the studio to hide the disappearances of those on their payroll due to sheer numbers; I’m thinking the majority of the Ink Machine sacrifices came from GENT’s program).

Also... I know this might be a pinch of a hot take but I don’t quite see Bendy and the Ink Demon as separate characters. I see them more like how Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde functioned in the original book, with them being one person behaving differently according to the capabilities of whichever form he took, progressing into compartmentalization after a while. I have a lot of thoughts on his character that I might put into another post, but yeah, there’s more to it, I think.

I like Audrey. She puts up a lot more resistance and reactions to the narrative she’s going through than I think a lot of player characters do.

#bendy and the dark revival #bendy and the ink machine #batdr spoilers #bendy spoilers #headcanons

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW Emotional Abuse? Familial problems, general trauma, addiction, drugging, sa/hospitalization, very depressing

Hello I think I’m asking for advice mainly on how to escape my situation or even just support/resources. I currently live with my older sister who hasn’t ever really been close to me but instead has been more of a negative person in my life. I haven’t been able to stop crying rethinking the situation I’m in since it feels emotionally paralyzing.

My parents sort of forced her to take care of me at a young age so as a result she naturally hates me and is stuck with me as I am with her. After a long bout of traumas/fights etc from leaving our abusive household together we sort of were bonding since we understood each others pain and we kind of had to, our checks together were the only things stopping us from being homeless but still are which is why I’m really stressed out.

After we moved in together to our first apartment however my older brother had also been having issues at our parents so I let him come over whenever he felt like. He was doing meth and didn’t let me know but instead lied and said he was clean, eventually meth got into my system after he stayed for 2 days possibly when he let me try a cigarette for the first time or I’m not sure if he laced my weed but I ended up in the hospital for two weeks unaware of instead thinking I had finally broke my brain until I saw my hospital discharge papers. I was in psychosis for almost 2 years on and off going back into hospitals mainly because I became so suicidal I couldn’t take it anymore, I hardly remember the past 3 years of my life either because I didn’t create memories I loved or it was just so stressful my mind blocked it out.

What really halted my recovery was my sister letting my brother come back around after I came out of the hospital because she felt bad for him. She’d put up paintings he’d make while on meth on the kitchen wall and when I’d cry and ask her to take them down she’d basically make me feel guilty for feeling the way I did. This only made me worse and it’s taken 3 years for me to get back to a place mentally where I feel safe but the last time she let him over here was still a month ago, I just finally couldn’t take it anymore and told him to leave and not come back. She let him back in the next morning though but kicked him out when he inconvenienced her instead.

Earlier this year I tried going to a program called Job Corps because it was a free ticket out of the state but straight to a gov facility, at least they’d give me training for a trade certification and some needed skills, mainly a new environment. However my sister didn’t like the idea when I mentioned moving out or leaving for the year so now I’m just washing dishes for 14 an hour instead of studying like I wanted and need to. I try not to throw the term abuse around but it just feels emotionally damaging how i haveto live in her shadow all the time.

I’m scared of moving out not because of having to support myself but her being left with a financial mess, she also had told me that leaving would make things harder for her and just be “running away”. I’m in my early 20s and she’s 10 years older yet my job is what’s keeping us from being homeless I mention it just cause it’s weird she went to vacation a few days ago even though we’re broke and I give her most of my money when I get l paid, and even then she’ll get mad if I buy something she thinks I shouldn’t have.

I just constantly feel alone like I’ve never heard of someone being in this sort of situation so I’ve never heard of anyone being able to leave it behind either, I guess I’m mainly asking for hope after letting this all out I don’t really have any left but I’m trying, I appreciate it.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. Please know that you're not alone in experiencing this, and I have answered a few other asks from people in similar situations as well.

It's important to remember that while your sister may have some resentment over having to take care of you growing up, that doesn't explain or justify becoming abusive to you. It sounds like you have a complicated dynamic between your siblings. It seems that your sister feels pity for your brother and doesn't understand why he makes you uncomfortable, especially considering your hospital visit and suicidal thoughts.

It's not up to your sister to determine where you will work - you are your own self. It sounds like she is emotionally abusive and doesn't respect your autonomy, especially if it means moving out. It also sounds like she may be financially abusive as well considering that you give her most of your money when you get paid, and controls how you spend your money. Part of why your sister may be discouraging you from leaving is because it would mean that she can no longer take advantage of you.

Leaving this kind of situation is not simple or easy, but there are a few suggestions. While this resource is in reference to domestic violence cases, these tips on leaving an abusive situation can still apply. Here is a masterlist of international crisis lines you can contact, which may be able to help you get in touch with someone who can assist you in this process.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw emotional abuse #tw substance abuse #tw financial abuse #tw sa #tw child abuse

[atticssmellgood]

This post is literally just me ranting abt the music and art industry.

I’ve come to realize that I’m the type of person that loves to analyze the lyrics literally any song I listen to, like if I listen to a song for the first time I’m always focused more on the words than anything else. And it makes sense because I’ve always been the type to like finding the deeper meaning within any piece of literature. It’s so interesting to me when songs aren’t surface level, when it takes more than two listens to actually get what the song is about. Not only that, but it also reveals a lot about the artist in general, their views on a certain topic or what they’ve had to deal with in their lives. It’s amazing how people convey themselves through their song-writing and while that’s not something I think I could do myself, I respect it so damn much.

It’s also amazing when the artist leaves the meaning of the song up to interpretation. It allows so many more people to connect with the music, even if the message they see isn’t the one the song-writer originally intended. What I think some people who don’t understand why I love looking at lyrics so much don’t realize is just how much they matter to the songs themselves. And I mean, yeah, duh, lyrics are obviously a huge part of what makes music music but I just don’t think people realize how much of an impact they can have sometimes.

Lyrics are what gives songs their meaning, it’s what connects with people’s emotions and experiences, they’re what makes music so special to so many people. It’s what allows people to be able to feel understood when they’re alone. It’s what gives them the ability to understand themselves more.

Just think about the amount of people that are able to connect with each other through a band or a song, the amount of people that have been saved by music alone.

What other thing could you think of that is able to do what music does? That’s able to touch the souls of so many different people, no matter the background? And that applies to all other forms of art as well. Painting, sculpting, poetry, theatre, and so many other things. They’re what allow people to be people, they’re what allow others to express their ideas and views on the world around them, as well as share their experiences, good or bad.

Art is a vital part of the human experience, it’s what makes everyone special, because every single one of us views the world differently. We couldn’t live in a world without art, humans simply were not born to be monochrome.

Art is everywhere. In the clothes we wear, in the architecture of buildings, in the jewelry people make, in the makeup people wear, in the movies we watch. It’s engrained into our minds as well as our everyday lives.

Without art, without the ability to express our ideas and feelings, life would be boring, because it’s what drives us to be better and what pushes each one of us to be unique. And the best part is, it wasn’t necessarily made to impress. Even though critics exist and all that, every single piece of art is very personal. That’s why music taste is subjective, and why people dress differently.

And I hate it when people exploit art for monetary gain like some modern art. And don’t even get me started on the singers who release the same sounding music album after album just for a quick cash grab. It especially irks me when music artists exploit mental illness.

A lot of teenagers listen to music so they can express their negative emotions, to find something they can relate to, and some people see that as an easy target audience. All they have to do is sing about symptoms of depression, or anxiety, even if they haven’t experienced those things themselves. To me, those people shouldn’t be allowed to call themselves artists.

Art is not something that was meant to be mass produced.

Art is meant to be passionate, creative. Art is meant to push boundaries.

And god do I especially dislike it when people judge others for their music taste or fashion sense. NOT EVERYONE IS THE SAME. NOT EVERYONE IS GOING TO EXPRES THEMSELVES IN THE SAME WAY.

Just because YOU don’t vibe with a specific genre or clothing style doesn’t mean the other person is in the wrong for feeling differently. They have different tastes and that’s fine. people weren’t made to be put in a box, or to fit a certain standard.

And what is “normal” anyways? Because what one person might find normal, another might find strange. It’s a complete social construct and while it is necessary to keep a stable society, it can be harmful to others who are just trying to express themselves.

If you’re still here, thank you for reading my little rant lmao. This is literally all over the place😭

#this definitely isn’t deeply rooted in my hyperfixation on arctic monkeys #and how alex turner is one of the best lyricists in our generation #music and art just means everything to me #rant post #arctic monkeys #alex turner #art #music

[jesuis-melodrama]

Regarding Akumas –

I don't think it's fair to claim that Marinette holds just as much responsibility as Chloé and Lila in terms of causing them.

The big difference is attitude.

In the events of Miraculous, the two years they're experiencing are apparently the first time Paris has faced any kind of supernatural, magical threat, with Ladybug and Chat Noir being their first superheroes.

While Chloé is definitely aware that her bullying could cause enough emotional disarray in her victims, enough that they'll attract Le Papillon's attention and manifest into Akumas, I can't really recall a single episode where Chloé has done this intentionally (although, please feel free to correct me).

In Le Dislocoeur, she deliberately humiliates Kim for believing he could even be worthy of bagging Chloé as a Valentine's date, and she used Sabrina as an outlet for her own humiliation in Antibug, but she evidently does not intend for them to become Akumas. It is simply what she has already always done, even before being aware that Le Papillon's dark presence over the city could be used as a form of weapon.

This notion is proved by how many of the Akumas she 'caused': Le Dislocoeur,  L'Invisible, Coeur de Pierre, and Le Dessinateur ends up hunting her down, much to Chloé physical and verbal displeasure, and she often mocks them for becoming Akumas afterwards, renewing her vengeance towards those victims, calling them 'monsters' (S1E26).

I can even make the argument that for the first time, Chloé is experiencing consequences of her bullying, although it is a lesson she has consistently failed to learn.

But even so, although the intent of creation is not there, Chloé's attitude is obvious. She neither cares that she has 'caused' Akumas, nor does she feel any empathy or remorse.

Lila is partially of the same calibre.

In one of Season 3's most intense moments, Caméléon shows Marinette, Ladybug, Heroine of the City herself, nearly Akumatised 2 times as a direct cause of Lila's conduct.

While Lila is not aware of this (Marinette herself isn't even aware of the first attempted Akumatisation), there is no doubt that she would not feel regret, nor empathy, nor make any attempts of correcting her behaviour if she does learn of this fact.

Like Chloé with her victims, Marinette becoming an Akuma would only be a source of detriment to Lila, provide no benefit, unless she could turn the tide on Marinette, marking her as an unreasonable aggressor, painting herself as a saintly, undeserving victim (which, I cannot predict if possible, as Lila is a very skilled manipulator, but Princesse Justice's power should be centralised on revealing the truth, which will be difficult for Lila to overcome if affected, but then again, she doesn't need to challenge what she'll be forced to reveal, she just need to convince her classmates that the 'truth' is not what it seems), but only when she puts herself in danger first.

And, as shown in Oni-Chan, Lila is deathly afraid of vengeful Akumas, and overtly concerned with her own wellbeing. She'll back out of the situation if it is beyond her control.

Marinette does feel regret, she does feel remorse, and she is negatively impacted, not only because most of her 'caused' Akumas come after her, but because she has to be the one to risk her life and health to Purify them. Like to Chloé and Lila, unless she is the Akuma herself, she experience no benefits.

The argument of 'acting as she always did', similar to Chloé, could also be applied to Marinette.

This argument needs to be adjusted for two points: 1) Marinette has become more confident in the visible Miraculous timeline compared to her past self, and; 2) Marinette never had the intention of slighting others, she is focused on what she can be achieving.

In assertion of Point 1, in Season 1, Episode 25: Marinette and Sabine exchanges this conversation:

Marinette: I bet you anything Chloé will be in my class again.  Sabine: Four years in a row, is that possible?  Marinette: Definitely. Lucky me! Sabine: Oh, don't say that! It's the start of a new year - I'm sure everything will be just fine!

Which implies that if Marinette and Chloé did not know each other out of school, then Chloé has been bullying Marinette in class for at least four years.

And – seeing that Chloé has never expressively received any consequences for her tyranny at school at this point, this kind of relentless abuse would be a blow to any child's self-esteem and confidence.

Marinette is introduced as a passionate, quirky, and positive girl, but the audience can almost immediately see her defensiveness, resignation, and exasperation when dealing with Chloé in regards to her tone, speech, and body language.

Marinette has difficulty challenging Chloé, and although she does not give up immediately, most of her bravado is for show, she does not win many of her fights against her bully. In Ladybug et Chat Noir (Origines - Partie 1), the earliest episode in the timeline, Marinette makes sure that Chloé is at least aware of her indignation and stance if she is not going to respect it. And in Le Bulleur, Chloé's first chronicled appearance in the episodes listing, Marinette does not relent speaking to Adrien, even though Chloé made her impatience evident, Chloé had to physically shove Marinette away to have her turn.

But Ladybug et Chat Noir (Origines - Partie 1) also introduced two new elements that Marinette never had the advantage of before: the Ladybug Miraculous in her grasp, and the new student Alya Césaire as her unchallengeable best friend.

Both the Ladybug Earrings and Alya awards Marinette something she is in lack of: confidence.

Seeing a dear friend in trouble, and having the power to do something about it (the car that crushes Alya in Cœur de Pierre (Origines - Partie 2)) shocks Marinette into action, and fills her with an unprecedented determination and steely demeanour.

This event is what introduces Ladybug's stern, confident, no-nonsense image.

It makes one wonder what would happen to Marinette's story, would she always remain the timid, passive girl of her former self if she had never come into contact with Tikki or Alya? And how different would she be if she only have possession of one party and not the other?

But that's an analysis for another day.

The success of Point 1 is ultimately proven in Maledikteur in how Marinette reacts to Chloé's flimsy machismo and insults.

Chloé: Ugh, you're all a bunch of losers! (looks at Adrien) Except you, Adrikins. None of you deserve to see the rest of my documentary! Marinette: (rolls her eyes) Oh, what a shame. (eyes widens when she realises what she said, covering her mouth)

Apart from the astonishing fact that Madame Bustier's class has grown immune to Chloé's sharp tongue and self-appointed superiority, Marinette seems to have completely lost all her fear of Chloé.

She seems to find her former bully as an irritation and bother now, rather than an intimidating and threatening figure.

When she covers her mouth in shock at procession of her own words, Marinette does not seem afraid of Chloé, how Chloé might react and retaliate towards her. More so, it appears that Marinette is just embarrassed and alarmed at how she accidentally vocalised one of her inside thoughts.

Which, apart from representing how little she thinks of Chloé now, demonstrates the incredible notion that Chloé is only insulting Marinette now because Marinette allows it, and is not bothered to correct Chloé, simply letting her former bully run around and mouths off because she knows that Chloé will not listen to her, and reprimanding her each time is only going to bring her more work than achievement.

It's an inspiration, how far Marinette has come.

She was always a treasured and core part of her friends-group and class, but I don't think it'll be an exaggeration to claim that Marinette is the true Queen Bee of Madame Bustier's homeroom network now, not only the actual déléguée de classe, but an unofficial leader everyone looks up to.

It's not mentioned in canon, but I imagine Marinette will be the girl everyone wants at their informal gatherings, to the extremes that they'll change the date if she could not make it, the top name on the list when sending invitations for movie dates or picnics, and the connoisseur everyone turns to when they need advice and help regarding everything from fashion to school projects to romance (Marinette is actually quite good at romantic insight and orchestrating getaways and dates, when it doesn't involve Adrien, she helped Mylène and Ivan get together, fixed misunderstandings between Nathaniel and Marc, and inadvertently jumpstarted Alya and Nino's relationship).

In regards to Point 2, Chloé and Lila are as 'cruel' as always (in dubious state concerning Lila, because there is no information on the personality she had before coming to Paris), and Marinette is simply a little too self-focused and single-minded at times.

I'll like to bring forth to the table, Episode 15 of Season 1: Le Gamer.

The contention regarding not only Marinette's but other character's behaviour in the episode is some of the strangest I've seen out of any Miraculous discourse.

There isn't a specific idea that I'm challenging, as my memory is rather hazy regarding this discussion, but I do not believe that Max is sexist. It seems to be a very unprompted and rather self-projected idea, from the theorists' own experiences with misogyny in the video-game community.

I always believed that Max was simply devastatingly crushed, not only to be defeated so easily, but by someone he has always dismissed as inexperienced and awkward in video games, so it is not only a blow to his confidence in his abilities, but to his intelligence as well, that he had let such a genius go unnoticed even when he hangs around her almost every day in class.

And Marinette's own actions – I don't think it's fair to call her malicious for wiping the floor with Max simply because she had the intention of getting closer with Adrien rather than competing in the Ultimate Mecha Strike III tournament as a serious player.

It could be a little disrespectful to the sport, but competitive gaming doesn't admit players based on passion, it tests based on skill, and Marinette did not cheat, she was simply better than Max.

Unlike Chloé and Lila, when facing many of their victims, even though they did not intend for the outcome to be Akumatisation, they did mean to deliberately antagonise them. Chloé means to make her classmates feel small and humiliated, and Lila did mean for Marinette to feel inadequate and ostracised.

But when Marinette defeated Max, she wasn't thinking about how the situation could ruin him, she was thinking about what she could gain if she wins.

Turning Max into an Akuma was not anywhere near her list of goals. Canonically, getting into a team with Adrien was her primary objective.

In Audimatrix, Ladybug reacted calmly and with dignity, elegantly removing herself from the presence of a relentless and impolite journalist, whose sensationalising manner not only makes Ladybug uncomfortable, but serves to intimidate the heroine for her own benefit. Turning into an Akuma is only a result of Nadja Chamack's own high expectations and demanding behaviour.

In Papa Garou, that situation was out of everyone's control but Tom's. Sabine could see he was going too far and is unsuccessful in reining him down, Chat Noir was told a untruth that he awkwardly tried to overcome, having never been in such a situation before, and Marinette, although she did lie to Chat Noir, she never said anything of the sort to Tom, who simply overheard and jumped to conclusions.

In Antibug, Ladybug bears a little more responsibility as a hero. She did treat Chloé with animosity, strange enough from her usual attitude, that even Chat Noir noticed the difference. If Chloé is a regular overbearing fan (which I'm sure Ladybug had plenty of contact with), Ladybug would not be as annoyed and dismissive as she was of her. She would've heeded Chloé's words a little more, taken her histrionic advice instead of completely disregarding her. But even when Ladybug knows Chloé, actively feels disgust of having to tolerate and endure the affections of her bully, Ladybug is still professional and appropriately distant, reprimanding her several times for interfering in dangerous situations, and it is ultimately Chloé's own disappointment in not being adored by her hero (and, also eavesdropping on her conversations) that spurred her Akumatization.

Even without the comparison to Chloé and Lila, our villains of the Miraculous storyline, Marinette, independently, cannot be reasonably accused of causing ire.

Many of her actions only caused devastation because it is Le Papillon taking advantage of emotional Parisians, and not because Marinette intends to cause harm, or intends to antagonise her 'victims'.

If simply defending herself or acting for her own benefits or being in the temperamental deportment of a normal teenager is enough to discredit Marinette to the point of challenging her status as a hero, or colour her as a villain, then there is not much hope for any Miraculous character when the same logic is utilised on them.

There is nothing wrong with Marinette being focused on her own goals, or disregarding others especially if she dislikes them, or if they have deliberate intentions of causing harm to her person and reputation for their own benefits.

And at the end of it all, unlike any other Miraculous character, Marinette does not only suffer consequences, she is tasked with the primary burden of fixing the situation, usually to her own detriment, because she has to make space in her life for these constant, life-threatening events, lose career and social opportunities for the responsibility, and even worse, lie, the thing she hates to do most of all, to her beloved friends and family, digging a personal reprimand worse than any wound she could've gained.

Marinette doesn't cause Akumas, they may have inadvertently stemmed from her actions, but she is simply living her life, and should not have to endure responsibility when the man making the Akumas takes advantage of the simplest emotions of anger and sadness and regret, for his own perverted, selfish purposes.

Even Chloé and Lila could not be blamed, because neither of them holds to power to create Akuma, and the full-grown man who can is not compelled by them to do so.

He chooses to, and that's the worst evil of all.

#miraculous #marinette dupain-cheng #ladybug #analysis

[lady-conjuress]

I’ve said this once in the past before I deleted this blog: When you see White people fighting back against the “cultural enrichment” that’s being forced (even when the cultures are in no way compatible) and their own becoming victims of racial attacks or hateful spew, you cannot blame them. Just as any other group has the right to defend themselves against those who seek to abuse them, Whites/Europeans are entitled to the same because they are a group of people just like the rest of us. While it very much is possible for different groups to co-exist with each other, there are always unruly members who seek to harm and be hateful. This is why it makes no sense for speaking about about racism towards anyone except for White people because what ends up happening is those who are not White begin to cultivate feelings, thoughts, and produce ideologies that are very much in fact anti-White or just downright racist against White people. So many “POCs” rant about how much they hate White people and yet complain about the racism that Whites who view their content share in response to the racism that “people of color” spew.

Have you no idea that you are all continuing the cycle? You are rolling the ball of hatred towards the other side and they do the same. It is a game of tag. A simple tit-for-tat game.

Then comes the generalization of each race as being accused of hating others entirely when the truth of the matter is that people who do not share that sort of sentiment are being painted with a brush simply because of their race. Then comes the “race war” mentioned all across social media. When one has all of these lowly emotions, which in truth are rooted in ego, what ends up happening is simply blaming others for any mess ups or slightest bit of negative emotion like anger that can lead to fighting (physical or verbal) by saying it’s because of their race when in fact it’s just a human experiencing emotions that the perceiver associates with racial archetypes/stereotypes.

This whole thing that we’re seeing today—globally—gives me a headache and yet is so disappointing. People expect for everyone to be all “Kumbaya”/we are all of the colors of the world when in reality we should recognize and appreciate that we are all different, and that’s more than okay.

I could get into a post in addition to this, but that would require me to write an entire one about immigration (both legal and illegal), religion, and by extension attitude towards weaker members of foreign societies like women and children (mainly) and the elderly.

Perhaps some other time I will.

— Lady-Conjuress🧿

#personal #black men #black on white crime #anti white #racial hatred #black people #white people #immigration #foreign invasion #POC violence #muslim immigrants #black supremacists #white supremacists #lady-conjuress

[joanshan]

Real Voices, Real Stories

Potential clients often ask me if my sessions are guaranteed to create change. While I always guarantee my effort, I can never guarantee the clients’ results for the simple reason that each soul has free will, and I cannot override its decisions even with my best intentions. However, when I’m asked if I see change as a result of this work, the answer is “absolutely.” During the last few months, three of my former clients synchronistically reached out to me to share the positive changes they were experiencing after their sessions. I asked if they would be willing to share their transformations, and they agreed. Below are their stories:

Carrie Smith

I came to Natalie in 2020 for a past-life regression to gain clarity about some long-standing concerns.

Negative self-talk and doubt about my life priorities had filled me for years, holding me back from achieving my dreams. During the session, I asked my Higher Self if I could have a family and be a thriving businesswoman at the same time. I was given a very clear ‘yes,’ and this allowed me to accept that I did not need to choose.

After the session, I felt a new sense of peace, knowing that I could create what I wanted. I had to look within to find my own joy and happiness. I wrote down specific goals for my career, changed my daily rituals, and started using the law of attraction to manifest my dream of becoming part of the sports industry. I took time each day to focus on my written goals, envisioning NIKE calling me. I also used meditation to calm my mind, body, and spirit. Early morning meditations helped me receive messages from my spirit guides and my Higher Self.

My manifestation began to unfold within days. After writing down “my art will be heavily involved in the sports industry,” the Toronto Blue Jays MLB Team commissioned me to create two oil paintings of their 1992 and 1993 championship rings. A month later, I was contacted by NIKE! My artwork is now continually included in NIKE’S Blue Ribbon Art Journal as part of the Nike Contemporary Art Series, and most, if not all, NIKEs employees have now seen my oil portraits.

Beyond just my goals, the regression helped me change my whole state of mind. Depression and anxiety had ruled my life for 16 years. But after the session, my negative thoughts subsided and my mindset strengthened. Positive thinking takes daily practice, but I no longer speak poorly to myself and only allow encouraging thoughts inside my mind and body.

It is not an exaggeration to say that this session changed my life entirely.

_____________

Carrie Smith is a portrait artist in Mansfield, Ohio. She can be contacted through Carryonwildchild.com; [email protected]. Link to Carrie’s QHHT session: https://youtu.be/0gGUbUmmRhE

Eric Clark

My life transformation began about two years ago. A year into it, I met Natalie and decided to go through her Core Wisdom Transformation coaching. After clearing some lingering personal doubts, I put all my energy into developing my own business. This was going well, and I lined up a number of projects. However, the timing was quite unfortunate. Covid-19 hit a month later, and all my projects got canceled. Though the situation appeared grim, Core Wisdom taught me to trust the universe and listen to its guidance through my intuition. I was guided to shift from residential to commercial business, which allowed me to do well until my residential business picked up again. After that, I felt the pull to get my real estate license, and that has been amazingly successful even though real estate is a hard market to enter.

The Core Wisdom Transformation coaching, in combination with the QHHT session, was a pivotal turning point in my life. Learning about my past lives has given me so much understanding of the man I am today. I have been able to forgive myself and release the unnecessary pain, guilt, anger, and other negative emotions. For example, I used to experience road rage while driving. This was out of character for me, but I could not stop it. During a single hypnotic session, I was able to address my younger self (who had observed and adopted these behaviors), forgive him, and permanently change that behavior. I am so glad that I made this investment in myself and am forever grateful for the results I was able to achieve in the coaching program.

_____________

Eric is a Real Estate agent in Columbus, OH. He can be reached at [phone], [email protected], or https://www.facebook.com/RealtorEricClark/.

Link to Eric’s QHHT session: https://youtu.be/jYqxYjSpgF0

Anita Luich

The QHHT session I had with Natalie was my first hypnosis experience, and I honestly doubted my ability to be hypnotized. Natalie quickly eased my worries and within a very short time, I was in a trance. My first past life took me to the aftermath of a deadly tornado that killed my father and my new husband. I never pursued relationships after that because I felt the need to honor my husband. I lived the rest of that life alone and unfulfilled. I was then guided to an earlier life where I had found true love and had three beautiful children. My Higher Self showed these to me to help me understand my current unwillingness to commit and to remind me that I can have love and fulfillment.

nAt the end of the session, I learned that the tornado experience affected me in more ways than one. I had never been able to “see” anything but darkness in my meditation practice. I had also always had an issue with dryness in my eyes, hair, and skin. When asked about these, my Higher Self explained that the memory of the tornado caused my mind to block positive, colorful images, and it caused my body to block water.

nI realized that the energy of the past was still affecting me, and I was stuck in the pattern of pushing away things that were good for me. My expanded awareness and the healing done during the session allowed me to break that pattern. Prior to the session, I had stopped dating because I knew I would sabotage the relationships. Having released the fear of commitment, I am now dating again. Having left the darkness of the tornado behind, I can now easily visualize images. And finally, having let go of the pain from the tornado, my body began to hydrate and retain water properly.

Source: Real Voices, Real Stories

[waitingformyfavoritesongs]

10:03 am pdt 1 fe bru ar y 2023 wow 😯 Wednesday 😞👰‍♂️

I will probably never marry.

incubus likes to treat us ,, me and my mom, as if we never welcomed my cousin & aunt n2 our home 🏠 b4. There were times when they might have came on short notice? And stayed months? At a time? 10:08 am pdt incubus is burning 🔥 with heat & acid my stomach it feels like. To punish me 4 complaining about it & sharing on tumblr. When I was young, Sometime between 1996 and 2000, she staid w/ us, I don’t remember how long. I think 🤔 she dated someone named Michael while she stayed with us? Then? 2001 she stayed with us & dated Steve & basically eloped? At the court house 🏠. Then she came again to visit w/o staying at our place w/ her toddler my cousin. Then after we moved she came & stayed again what felt like a while. Our living room was a mess while they stayed. Sometimes she cooked. She’s a very good cook 👩‍🍳👩‍🍳. 10:17 am pdt hungry the time went by too fast 💨 now. I don’t remember how long it was that they stayed b4 going to Missouri. They did not come 2 my graduation 👩‍🎓. There were days I went w/o regular 📺 tv ; & an animated movie 🎥 4 kids would play on repeat 🔂 all day long for days in a row. 10:21 am pdt I had I think more than a 12 unit schedule which was full time. Even though I think 🤔 I had 2 painting 🧑‍🎨 classes it was actually tough on me bcz my eczema broke out/flared up 🆙. I was cursed. 10:25 am pdt incubus made me hit my self in the eye 👁 now. Pain 😖😭😤🥵😤🥵😞 auto 10:27 am pdt

10:33 am pdt when I went w/o regular tv 📺 that time and hearing the same movie 🎥 played all day long, & trying 2 abstain from dating 2 abstain from s*x, & baby sitting 🪑, & thinking about transferring 2 university, & battling w/ my eczema, maybe 🤔 it was all a little too much 2 deal with for me at the time? & having most of the living room taken up by them and I think I remember they also stayed up late. This is the same pair that was noisy in 2015, same aunt I yelled at then 4 being noisy while I had difficulty sleeping 😴 bcz of burnt 🥵 chocolate 🍫 cake 🎂 from Buca di Beppo. 10:40 am pdt my mom says she is different from everybody and when she was a kid she escaped doing chores and hanged out all day with friends instead of helping. They said she usually complained of tummy aches? But she always says now a days that she was a chubby kid. I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ why. I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ if she had diabetes or if she was well fed and lazy. I grew up looking looking anorexic in some pictures and in some pictures my mom looked very thin probably overworked overwhelmed as a young adult while my aunt was smiling and chubby. Some pictures my mom put on healthy weight. But she said she rarely went out and had fun bcz she usually got in trouble if she was caught trying to have fun/go outside bcz she would usually get caught attempting to go out while the other siblings seemed to get away somehow sometimes. Maybe it was a curse? 10:49 am pdt I think incubus might have burned my brain 🧠 this morning ? I have anxiety they will do it again. 10:50 am pdt

10:58 am pdt I am not perfect I made some bad decisions. Sometimes stupidly in an effort to be more fun and not negative unfortunately I missed out on some probably important queues? Spelling. Like I didn’t think she was very big, but her friends seemed to intentionally withhold? Giving candy 🍭 to her at least once? While giving to others in front of her. I guess they thought 💭 she was a little over fed? This was probably waaay after the pizza 🍕 I wrote about in previous post. My mom bought a sandwich 🥪 4 me & it came with complimentary candy 🍭 and she told me this in an effort to win it from me? So I let her have it. I did not realize the harm I might have been causing to allow her to have it. I’ve only experienced pre-diabetes these last 2 years of my life. Last 2. Yeah maybe I will die soon. It’s inevitable? 11:06 am pdt I thought I was giving her a lesson in possibly emotional resilience? By phrasing it when I allowed her to have it “well here’s your chance” 😑😓I’m stupid. And she ate it. My cousin looks innocent the way she speaks and her face the way it looks. But you have to remember, and I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ why, if she really had diarrhea from ALL vegetables, and she ate a whole big pizza 🍕 by herself. Some thing about the way she said it painted a picture in my mind that it might have been a pizza big enough to share btwn 2+ people. My aunt is a good cook. She has baked vegetables before at our place when she was a toddler. She used to have constipation and look 👀 through her purse for chocolate 🍫 constipation medicine. What changed??? 😤🥵😞🤔😖😭 I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️!!!! 11:14 am pdt

11:18 I guess I should have figured out that maybe she didn’t eat very much vegetables all her life????????????? 🤯 11:19 pm pdt am pdt

11:20 am pdt how does a kid grow up with out vegetables all her life??????? Does that make sense???????? 11:21 am pdt

11:22 am pdt now I’m trying to figure out how to NOT have diarrhea. I even got it when I ate bread. 11:23 am pdt

11:26 am pdt curses

11:53 am pdt to make things complicated, I don’t have to eat much to gain weight I have noticed the last 2 years. Also, same cousin. She said once one day that she didn’t eat all day until the evening and she went out and ate a (with exception of 1 or 2 slices) a whole pizza 🍕 by herself. Not sure what size but bigger than personal/kid size maybe? 11:57 I ate the one last slice that time. 11:58 am pdt when I was in 6th grade I got braces I think front AND for a little while BEHIND??? My teeth 🦷. Weird but I think 🤔 this is what I recall. My teeth hurt too much to chew and I feel self conscious when I eat in front of people I think I maybe held my hand up in front of my mouth 👄 when I tried. 12:01 pm pdt I looked 👀 back at a yearbook photo and my face looks a little thin, as if I maybe don’t eat much???? There’s a picture of me around the same time and my legs 🦵 look long and slender??? It’s a word my dad often used. He said he liked slender women. In high school 🏫 I thought my gut stuck out too much so I was usually uncomfortably holding in my tummy consciously and it became automatic that later in when I started thinking it was unhealthy to do that I had to consciously let my tummy be with out trying to suck it in. In middle school 🏫 I remember days when my jeans 👖 were tight and then I had to run 🏃🏻‍♀️ a half mile or mile and afterwards the jeans 👖 were looser ? Not tight anymore/any longer.

fe ? I think it is flying? In Chinese. Is bruja witch 🧙‍♀️???? 12:09 pm pdt St

12:25 pm pdt after I typed above I started feeling like I am a witch 🧙‍♀️ 😞 a minute ago I remember I had told her, after I said that she can? may have it, I told her I don’t usually eat candy 🍭? 12:28 pm pdt I’m having a flashback again.... don’t know if I should write ✍️ type it. 12:29 pm pdt... or that I usually don’t Eratosthenes it’s autocorrect what’s this??? 12:30 🕧 pm pdt

7:10 pm pdt all day I have been yelling out in pain 😖😭😱🥵😤 from the hot 🥵 hot 🥵 heat the incubus has been roasting me terribly. And messed with my period. 7:12 pm pdt

7:16 pm pdt I think the incubus really hates me. 7:17 pmpdt

8:55 pm pdt bcz I had digestive issues and there were some people who have 5 seconds rules I thought 💭 there were some people with stronger immune systems? My aunt had ate a lot of roasted nuts probably straight from container and I thought I got sick from contamination from her fingers. And when we moved in together she asked me if I wanted to try some of her cereal 🥣 and I started thinking about it and she with her fingers took a piece of cereal 🥣 and tossed it in to her mouth 👄 with a smile 😃 and I got hesitant 😕 and my mom said “you get it? That’s her cereal” basically I guess teaching me a lesson that there are some things I can not have. Even though she offers with words, it doesn’t really mean that she is offering?? If she recalled b4 asking/offering that I had got sick b4 with the contaminated nuts. 9:03 pm it was a cereal 🥣 w/ a nutty flavor, too. 9:04 pm pdt & years after her daughter punched me in the head. <- b4 I typed, in autocorrect appeared “death” “blaming.” Right, incubus, you wiped her memory clean and made her do exactly that so it looked like she put a lot of thought into that offer, but you made her do it bcz you controlled her like a puppet. There, how is that? Better?!?! 9:07 pm pdt

9:10 pm pdt a few hours ago I felt very weak from torturing heat that I had difficulty sitting 🪑 up 🆙 & holding a cup. Incubus snapped off another piece of left hip bone 🦴😖😭😱😤🥵😤🥵 9:12 pm pdt I have contemplated

9:17 pm pdt I want 2 die NOW. Not slow torturous hell. 9:18 pm pdt

9:44 pm pdt I’m not perfect. I have been greedy and selfish. There’s a line where greed and selfishness are not easily forgiven. Have I crossed those lines???? 🤷🏻‍♀️ I grew up feeling like my feelings and thoughts/opinions didn’t matter, so I’m usually surprised when people pay attention to me. I felt like I had no right to be angry or sad. I felt like I didn’t deserve happiness. I felt everyone was better than me and some times I had a weird complex? My feelings would flip and I suddenly felt like I was a better person on the inside than someone or others. But I really feel like the worst person in the world 🌎 now, even when I think 🤔 about how I was when I was younger. 9:50 pm pdt.

2:38 am pdt I woke up mins ago. Incubus will tell you things you want to hear 👂 but mix it with things he wants to tell you. Cinderella = cinders. Sin dares? But I was celibate since age 25 ... I felt bad for things I did. & I tried to not repeat 🔁 those things hence the celibacy, the distance between me and people, becoming like a hermit . Tried to change. But I slipped up 🆙 things ... was it out of insecurity? I had insecurities ALL my life. When at the store 🏬 if I did not go with mom immediately when she called she’d say I’m leaving you. My dad thought 💭 she threatened abandonment a lot I guess bcz he mentioned it. And I felt unliked so if there was a guy who only wanted s*x it would toy 🧸 with my insecurities. ? 2:48 am pdt

My body is in pain and making a lot of noises. Not comforting to hear 👂 it and incubus was burning 🔥 me too much. I guess he wants to burn 🔥 me 2 death 💀. In autocorrect it comes up “devil” “dead”. It mentioned online years ago that there are things inside the brain 🧠 that cut your brst brats autocorrect boxes 📦 brain 🧠 when you hit your head. It probably results in the death of brain 🧠 cells. Autocorrect boxes 📦 say cancer. I don’t think 🤔 it’s fair to test someone after multiple hits 2 the head, so they can not use their whole brain 🧠. Back of brain 🧠 getting hot 🥵. About a year ago I tried to double check this and that detail I think 🤔 was omitted the last time I looked. 👀. I hesitated to mention it bcz a lot of weird things happened and bcz it was edited out online. 2:58 am pdt

I feel closer to dying again. I think incubus intentionally burned a pair of organs bcz it got hot 🥵 in 2 spots on both sides of lower spine...2:59 am pdt

3:01 am pdt I probably should confess that I get greedy about food but I have shared food. I thought 💭 for a while that things were my fault btwn me and Scott. That I was probably saying things out loud that I should not have bcz I was a “whore” so it was my fault 🤦‍♀️ for a lot of things and I should not have said anything to anyone like it was his fault. I thought I needed to straighten myself out and that I should not talk to other people until I had the courage to admit “yeah I’m a whore who has issues who feels like I cannot be myself around people” 3:06 am pdt I once wanted to become “naturally good to people” which requires being in a good mood, which equals brain 🧠 health? Change your brain 🧠 change your body, was there also change your life? (Life=mood?) 3:08 am pdt there were times I was irritable (I writ, ta, bull? Belle? 🛎 ability-> cane 🦯 walker) 3:10 am pdt and I tried my best to hold it back bcz my mom would get mad 😡 at me for the way I talked. My feelings don’t matter. 3:11 am pdt

some people I stopped talking to for multiple reasons: bcz I didn’t like the way I became when I was around them. Not saying they were bad. My mouth 👄 my mind could not stop 🛑 blaming Scott even though my logic at the time automatically would say it is my fault 🤦‍♀️. 3:15 am pdt so to stop 🛑 myself, I had to stop 🛑 hanging out with people. 3:16 am pdt my heart ♥️ automatically said it’s my fault? But my mouth 👄 wouldn’t stop saying the opposite of what my logic and heart ♥️ were telling me at the time. My mom fell asleep 😴 sounded like she is having a nightmare and calling out to her sister in another country. 3:18 am pdt

3:21 am pdt I am still not good enough for my cousin and aunt. I am not better than them. My head wants to trick me now. Automatic thought 💭 said I’m better. But bet tear. 3:23 am pdt and then my head started getting hot 🥵. I drove old cars 🚗 instead of buying new car 🚗 maybe 🤔 it wasn’t smart to buy an old car 🚗 but it was what I could afford at the time? Dad gave me $2000 once & I used ≈ 1/2 to buy a car 🚗. I think mom helped with taxes and registration and insurance. When my sister got a job at the mall at a beverage? Or a different store 🏬 she and mom bought a new car 🚗 to share. I tried it once in 2006 but I somehow was too small for the seat 💺 at the time and could not reach the pedals? Some mthing was off for me and I almost 😅 had an accident in the parking lot in the Santana row when we were leaving with her boyfriend at the time. I remember at the time it was difficult (brain pain 😱😖😭 & heat 3:31 am pdt) for me to make eye 👁 contact w/o glaring. It was usually automatically triggered I usually don’t have control, hence shyness 🙈 usually I need someone to order food for me. That time I scared 😟 the waiter I guess... he let HOT food slide into my sister’s hands 🙌 and she had to run to bathroom to take care of her hands 🙌 and she seemed more upset at me than the waiter. She can’t take me anywhere. 3:35 am pdt

It might be an autistic thing? I have pictures of myself looking down at her birthday party 🥳 dinner months after I got punched in the head. Please read previous posts. 3:37 am pdt incubus is still going to blame me. Mom told me once I was a bad kid. 3:37 am pdt brain 🧠 and head burning. I’m a bad kid even though I didn’t murder anyone, I got angry when someone is mean to me and I cry. Sad girls? Talking about those bad girls 🎶🎼🎵🎤 syntax?? Sin, tax??? 3:39 am pdt

3:40 am pdt I’m still dying. Did Jesus murder anyone? He talked bad about people? Maybe 🤔 that was his mistake. Telling people who aren’t his friends things they don’t want to hear 👂. 3:42 am pdt

I still feel like I am a bad wicked person. Guess I need to dig deeper for what it is I did to deserve this treatment from incubus. 3:43 am I probably won’t survive though to tell it bcz of how he’s treating me. Maybe 🤔 there is something he actually does not want to be told to anyone that would make him look BAD???? 3:45 am pdt

[sarahkartika]

Rage in Pink

She sat on the edge of the window in a pink satin robe. Her legs crossed and a smirk was painted on her face. I looked at her annoyingly.

“What now?” I sat beside her and looked at her piercing eyes while positioning myself on the window seals. 

She scoffed.

“Pretending not to know is not wise.” She moved her fingers left to right several times. She was so irritating.

I wanted to get rid of her badly. To be honest, she was terrifying. She could do things that were beyond norm and logic. She was purely evil. Sometimes, I found bruises mainly on my right knuckles without my consciousness. After that, whenever I asked her why and how did I get those, she only gave me a mysterious smile. Well, I knew that she caused me harm physically and mentally, she just never admitted it.

“Well, it’s not like I can control everything. It just happened.” My fingers ran through my dried black hair. She laughed, quite hard actually.

“What’s so funny?” I asked.

“Oh poor lamb. Do not fear. I am with you, always.”

That’s what I was afraid of. I did not want to be close to her. However, she was my shadow…she was me.

“Stop it already and go away.” I stood up and looked at her furiously.

“Your disappointment over everyone you loved is actually interesting.”

I could not hold my anger anymore. I slapped her and the sound was quite satisfying. It was the first slap I have ever done to anyone. Tragically, I did it to my alter ego.

She touched her cheeks and giggled.

“Yeah, that’s it. Be mad. Be angry. Let it all out.” She stood up and held my face with her claws. She got her nails done today. Blue and glittery nails stuck into my flesh. I could feel warm liquid gushing out from my cheeks.

“You’re hurting me.” I held my breath trying not to be provoked by her ironically true words.

“I am not. You are hurting yourself, honey.” She let her fingers away from my face and licked my blood and wound that she created. What a wicked woman.

Again, I held my breath and tried to forget all the negativity that came from her immoral mouth.

I was just introduced by the pain and disappointment. I realized that everyone that I loved did not love me back equally. My feeling was genuine, or so I thought. I did not know that deep down, I expected that they would love me back just the same. However, when I knew that their priority list lacked my name, it was just extremely painful. I could not eat properly. Rice tasted like paper, salted veggies were bland in my mouth, I could not even differentiate which one was rubber and chicken anymore. It was so strange. I hated it. Everything was a mess. My heart hurt yet I could not express those emotions to anyone. People would judge and show disapprovals to everything I'd said. I had experienced it so many times. My surroundings were not exposed to those kind of things which made it so hard to cope with my breakdown.

“I just want to be happy.” I said very loudly. I was crying silently. 

She stared at my face very intensely. I could smell her coffee breath meaning she was just an inch from my nose. It was shockingly pleasing. Her cold hands reached my whole body and brought me into her embrace. 

I cried harder and clenched my hands into fists. I did not hug her back, but I rested my head on her shoulders. It was comfortable, she had distinctive sweet-scented body. It was like an extract of green apples which I was really fond of.

“I know, I know.” She repeated those words just like a spell. Her hands kept rubbing my back as if it would heal me instantly.

I dried out those salty tears from my reddish eyes. We laid down on the bed for few minutes, facing the ceiling while holding hands. I wished time would stop ticking at this very comfortable moment. We had indescribable relationship, and we both were aware of that fact.

“I never hated you, you are part of me.” I said, almost like a whisper. She did not give any response. I faced her and realized that she smiled widely, still looking at the ceiling. To tell the truth, I was jealous of the ceiling.

“But, would you let me control you?” 

She giggled. Hah, I could hear those soothing voice for hours.

“What's with that dominance behavior? Are you trying to intimidate me?” I felt she tightened her grip to my hand.

“Yes.” 

“That’s disgusting and also sweet.” She kissed me on the cheek. Her maze mind was too complicated to be understood. 

“Please.” I begged.

“Maybe we need to date several times before you can control me.” She teased me and I disliked it. I just plainly disapproved the idea.

“You are me, I cannot date me.” I laughed at her ridiculous statement.

“Yes you can, I’ll teach you how to understand me more.”

By her last words, I immediately cried again but this time was happy tears.

“Thank you…Rage.”

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