#i was really scared of losing my job

[skunkes]

i may be stupid

#(but im not sure) #a doodley #i am not going to lie to you guys i am insanely scared of anti depressants. and adjacent medication. #first of all like ive said i dont think i need them #im doing way better than last yr(s) despite being in the same circumstances. i did in fact will my brain to get it together. #i told my doctor i think my issues are a result of my environment and that is what i think it is. #i dont think meds cld help change my innate personality flaws #second of all sorry but my ****** is all i have i cant risk losing it to the side effects #idk! like. idk. you guys really dont get it it really is just laziness for me #since i was a kid i just didnt have Goals and its continued to my detriment #i was also raised to doubt all my decisions so here we are #im sure my friends think im lazy bc what ive described to them IS laziness #im like the only person i know without hashtag goals and life motivation...and all my friends have mental health stuff too #so its not that...! its personality. its laziness #its literally like the ''my son is 35 and refuses to get a job and does nothing all day'' reddit posts #with ''he's not depressed he's lazy you should just kick him out and refuse to keep providing for him'' comments and all

[ayyydra]

shit.

I know my family members have been asking me ‘seemingly’ harmless questions about me being off my meds and if I feel ‘better’, but the reality is - and no one in my family knows this - is that I’ve been on medication since the end of Dec 2023.

I’m parading around a massive lie that I am ‘off medication’ and that I ‘made it’.

I reckon I would have taken my life at some point this year or lost my job if I continued on the way I did, but who the hell am I to make that judgement? I have a house over my head, food in the fridge, a warm bed to sleep in and a well paying job.

I hate this immigrant mentality that mental health medication is fucking poison.

#adra talks mental health #I really hate sometimes that I’m lying to them but I am almost 30 years old and need to do what is best for myself… #doing this would have been a lot easier if I was living out of home #but with todays economy I can’t make it on my own #sometimes I’m just so scared of them finding out/them rummaging through my personal belongings and bags #but the reality is… I didn’t want my parents to bury a child #I didn’t want to lose my job…. #why do people wait for the worst to happen before taking any action is beyond me

[formulapisces]

i almost fainting for the second time ever i’m going to cry why do i always get so sick in december

#i’m so ill and my dad went to czechia for his job so i have to do all of the work in the house because my mum has covid and sister is sick #i think it’s because i suddenly started taking so many medications at the same time #i’m mostly better now but i’m still lightheaded #and i started hearing this noise which really scared me #the first time i fainted i was about 13 too so it was a while ago now #i’m absolutely going to lose more of my hearing from this illness #all i tried doing was making food and it was too much standing up for 10 minutes #i’m laying down now watching stray kids music videos so there’s that 😭 #that scared me so badly my emetophobia which i thought i got over came back in about 2 seconds #sob sob sob

[adamshallperish]

at this point it's a win whenever i don't start fucking crying when someone at work tells me i'm doing something wrong

#i know i'm not supposed to care and i don't i really don't care #there are just so many hidden rules that i just can't intuit and i hate it i hate it #and it's not like i love my job it's just my life already revolves around it too much and i'm so scared about losing it and my stability #i'm so miserable when i go home and then i just sleep for 10+ hours for no reason so i can't even do the things i want to do #i hate this nightmare world and my stupid life #hotel stuff #mine

[biracy]

Tbh I should probably take a break. I almost definitely won't but I should, yknow

#idk i don't have much 'real stuff' happening irl besides like. job hunting and college applications. so it's hard #but i think if i at least ease off some time on here n read a little more n watch more movies i might start to feel better #haven't really liked where my head's been at lately it feels like whatever persona is The One Who Blogs is 'taking over' more #to put it in a very dorky comic book-sounding ass way LMAO but that's how i feel! like i'm losing my own 'voice' yknow #my mental health is Bad my physical health is also Not Great n i kinda feel like ass. if i'm being honest #idk i feel like i'm crashing from whatever high i've been on for the past couple of days n i'm not Really super happy w myself #except the media literacy posts those were good. but like the more discoursey stuff i'm not proud of #again sorry to like. publicly vent LMAO i'll be fine i'm good. i'm trying really hard to pull myself out of this #but again. sorry abt the Shite i was posting earlier today i wasn't really in my own right head #just kinda wanted 2 get all that off my chest idk if it's clear that i don't really have anyone i feel like i can talk to right this moment #i'm very socially isolated irl and i'm so scared of becoming socially isolated online too just bc i'm an idiot who doesn't think b4 he post #NOT to make it sound all about me or whatever but it's true. i'm very very scared of losing people n right now this is My Space #i'd forgotten just how bad it felt. in this Specific case it is kinda my fault tho LMAO don't worry i've apologized as best i know how #okay i'm done. i'm done. i'm gonna go watch tv and go to bed i hope #open mick night

[queeriboh]

doing the right thing shouldn't be so hard and painful btw

#I'm so scared I'm going to lose my job lol #I know I probably won't #as long as as soon as I'm back I really really work to have no more attendance issues #but fuck #why did I have to get sick

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

#ignore me i need to vent and be scared for a moment... #but i've been working my ass off today for a project that's paying me cents #and i've been debating the whole day how to explain to this client that moving forward i will have to charge more money for similar project #and i'm so so scared that it will mean losing this client cause i don't really have many regular clients and regular work #so it's scary to sound greedy (even tho i know it's not greedy) and i've been trying to convince myself it's the right thing to do #i've talked to my mom and she agrees which is huge cause she's always saying i need to be thankful for having work even if it's a lil cheap #but like now she even agrees that over 12hs work days including weekends are NOT being paid with my prices #so i'm so anxious about that and then i go on twitter and i see one movie poster and one chocolate bar wrapper made with ai #and i'm SO SCARED of the future #i went and chose the one career most easily replaced by ai #and i'm so anxious about what my future holds #but also my very near future when i have to tell this people that i can't work for nothing anymore #i hate money and i hate what it does to my head #money not only reaches the mind of those who have lots of it #it also reaches the mind of those who don't have it :// #i fucking hate this and i hate being an adult with a job #specially a freelance job where i am my own fucking boss and i set my own prices #cause i'm so fucking dumb and so easily taken advantage of #i shouldn't be saying this online lol but like i said... i'm dumb #angel talks #personal

[bivampirism]

thinking about becoming full of myself a little bit. i’ll keep u posted

#Sorry 2 anyone who saw me talking about wanting to go to the psych ward do u still think im hot #this was from a few weeks ago but i was looking thru my pics... #i think everyone should see me being pretty <3 #honestly babes & girlies it's been really really rough lately.... lately as in the past 8 months #lost my job got diagnosed with ocd and realized its the reason i got fired #would make me late everyday bc I couldn't leave the house without compulsively doing my many routines to feel in control #sister knowingly gave me a covid scare on my bday. so i spent my bday not sleeping & having panic attacks #forgave her despite her being mad at ME for my reaction. turns out she's still mad & starting fights w/ family who talks to me #keep in mind she has health insurance gets pto for it while my partner doesn't & I thought they were going to die #& that we might lose the apartment #aaand losing my job + many covid scares has made me agoraphobic #working on that. #plus being without my adhd meds due to the shortage :-( #anyway just updating/venting ig… ily guys! <3 #mine

[hungry-hobbits]

gonna be blunt - didnt get my raise+backpay this paycheck so yall are gonna have to put up with me probably needing to shill my c-mm's more this month i'm sorry

#personal #i'm only sorry cos i hate spamming that i need help lmao i hate my friends having to see that i need help all the time lmaooo #i'm actually really really upset right now i feel like a caged fucking animal who just got teased by people i cant reach to bite #I HAVE BEEN WAITING SINCE JANUARY. IM SO TIRED OF BEING POLITE BECAUSE IM SCARED OF LOSING MY JOB #i didnt even make 200$ on this check and they gave me 10hrs this week like... like what the fuck am i supposed to do

[saintqueer]

.

#omg omg omg a HUGE anon ko-fi payment was sent through at 11:11 #i got the ko-fi notif and i thought it was gonna be a 5 dollar donation which is awesome obviously but i went through and it was WAY more #im like so grateful but also a bit sad because i wish i had an offer by now so i wouldnt have to depend on other's kindness & selflessness #this means i will be able to pay rent but ALSO not go into overdraft on utilities #which is amazing fuck but dude im still trying to push down the shame i got from accepting help #i really want this one job ive been trying for but im still so scared it will just fall through my fingers and all my excitement and hope #will be dashed and ill be heartbroken #and i have another interview for another job tmorrow and its gonna be long and grueling and i dont want the job #but i obviously will have to take it if its the only offer i get #my emotions are mess and im rationing my meds its just so dumb #and im so grateful for the help and its so stupid i feel so much shame around it #but im just trying to work through all of it one at a time and still hope that better is coming #i just want a chance to succeed a chance to give myself better #im so grateful people want to take care of me but i wish i could take care of them too ya know #sorry for having a tags breakdown #maybe i need to get outside and deep breathe or some shit #sorry for losing it #im just so grateful #and just really hope this time is coming to an end

[rttenboy]

god i'm so confused

#i've been showing more dissociative symptoms recently #and it's probably because moving and living alone in a quiet place is triggering me #but i keep #feeling like someone else is in my body with me #i'll try to speak but it's not me speaking and its not my words #it doesnt sound like me #my handwriting changes #theres #more #but i just #dont know what to do #mentioned osdd to my psychiatrist when i saw him last n he was kinda dismissive and convinced that the dissociation is just bc of past traum #but osdd is a specific kind of dissociation caused by trauma? which i have plenty of lol #i don't know #it's so fucking weird and i feel like i'm slowly losing my mind #i can't find any answers #i just want to know what's going on #i'm scared to join any spaces for multiples to ask questions because it isn't their job to help me #but i need help so bad #this is really scaring me #dissociation #dissociation cw

[bugdogg]

if i ever seem brave for some of the stuff i admit on here, just know its cause idk how to keep shit to myself. i cower at the thought of judgement and then proceed to expose my whole ass to tumblr anyway, because i dont have a working filter

#tags are filled with worried rambling again #i hear a laugh track play whenever my anxiety flares up #im scared of what other people think of me which in itself is funny #ik others opinions of me arent an indicator of me being a bad person #other people arent gonna kno my whole personality from the stuff i draw #i fear judgement despite experiencing nothing but positive feedback on this site because i keep reading into the small things as negative #i know all this and still wither away in my shell knowing all this im saying is what id tell others if they were suffering with it #i walk in this circle and do it thousand times til i pass out from the exhaustion and later wonder y i was worried in the first place #i want to be able to say “who cares they dont know you” but ive been raised by people who spent almost every conversation- #with me basically saying they know me very well and know whats wrong with me and ive been raised believing everyone knows more than me #i worry of being so serious and actually genuine like this but this is how i like to be sometimes #stupidly thinking too much into things and laughing at myself for it and wondering why i would put myself down on something id encourage- #others to do #i worry about losing people because they wont like all of me but they wont know that unless they see the whole picture #i find myself disgusting w/ my thoughts and the things i wanna create but i dont think that of others and its strange #weird ass moment here..... #i had a really good day today got a job and finished my first tattoo #im happy right now despite the shit i just spewed #im figuring myself out for the first time in maybe years #i just wish all the hateful shit i absorbed over those years fades away soon #and i hope i stop caring so bad lol #anywayyyyy have a wonderful rest of your weekkk <3 if u read this

[tequilajones]

I should really see a therapist (unfortunately im broke with no insurance so I'll just vent in the tags)

#I'm in a studio apartment I can barely afford #and have been applying to other jobs so that this 2nd job can help boost my income #but my dad sent me a link to a job fair and a cheap apartment 2 hours upstate and I know he's trying to help #but it made me break down in tears #mainly because I lived upstate for 2 years and I was miserable up there so even going up to around poughkepsie makes me anxious #he definitely knows how traumatic my time upstate was (panic attacks on a weekly basis #esp with the rise of anti-queer hate crimes) #but what really broke me was the idea of being more than an hour away from my entire support network (my friends) who dont have cars #like I know it's not unusual for ppl to move away or lose touch #but specifically these two have been my threads of sanity lately and have been by my side at my lowest lows and I'm scared of losing them #like sure zoom exists but idk #I was already on edge because of all the job hunting and financial stress #vent

[corvidaedream]

me: i am going to make contact w the iww about organizing my workplace bc we all keep talking about it but we need someone to actually do it and it may as well be me

me, immediately after sending the reply email to set up a time to talk w a local representative: ah, i am full of anxiety

#messages from the ouija board #just :))) my rationale is that i like my job and coworkers but also im not super worried about getting fired bc i have shit to fall back on #but also now that im doing it im like :))))) shawn IS going to fire me under the pretense that ive been written up for lateness recently #literally my only comfort is knowing that my parents will be proud of me if this is why i get fired #but just like. im scared!! #i know ive got some freelance stuff coming up and i can probably find another job and i can make more effort to sell art #but i dont really wanna lose my job lmao. esp not before ive actually managed to improve anything

[whistlingstarlight]

The worst part of this leg injury is how scared I am for the potential consequences if I take too many days off because of it.

#vent #kinda #probably overthinking shit but I'm really scared I'll lose my job or some shit because even sitting becomes painful #and I can't bring my crutch into the kitchen so I have to stand unaided every time I take an order #clyde rambles

[pepprs]

literally the only reason i am not in as bad a mental health place as i was in in december is bc i’m done w school now and i never have to go back or deal with being a student again if i don’t want to and also bc i know there is a high likelihood that there are some big important helpful highly desired changes on my horizon in the next few months and years. but i am really not doing good right now

#purrs #scotus leaked draft + buffalo shooting + dallas shooting + uvalde shooting + monkeypox + covid cases rising + losing my last 3 weeks of #college and graduation + losing my freedom for who knows how long and moving back home + friends and family getting covid + pushing myself #to the limit finishing my capstone + watching my loved ones suffer with the situations in their own lives = is it ethical to bring children #into this world is it reasonable to think that i will one day live with autonomy again and find a romantic partner and have a pet and enjoy #my life and see all the people i love doing the same. all ive been able to do this week outside of finishing school my job application etc #is doomscroll about the shootings and covid and monkeypox when i really should be doomscrollimg through my fucking save tag that i curated #specifically to counteract these situations and give me reasons to find hope but i don’t have the strength or see the point bc im only gonn #lose the hope again. but i know there’s a point but i can’t get myself to see it and maybe it’s bc km just so exhausted but idk. and one of #the WORST parts of this is that if the job works out i am going to have to understand that people will look at me differently part of which #means that people — STUDENTS like i just was 2 days ago!!! — will look to me expecting that i have answers or at the very least hope and i #literally do not have hope right now and after national events this month i don’t know if i’ll ever feel hope again. so it’s like fuck i #wont be able to do my fucking job that i feel called to do and want to do more than anything lol. but i already won’t be able to do it bc t #the chances that i can go to [insert convferwrnce] when it involves being on a plane and navigating people who won’t wear masks are so low #and * already snarked about it to me yesterday which really hurt my feelings like i don’t think she was trying to be mean but it’s like yes #the fuck i can hide in the van forever i do NOT want to get covid. but i also do not want to miss [conference] and it’s just so stupid that #im going to have to keep making these choices because this nightmare country has decided covid doesn’t exist anymore. idk lol #i know everything in my life could be a lot worse and also that it is objectively WORLDS better than it was very recently bc i graduated an #im done now. but this month has sucked so unbelievably bad and June is also going to be hard and im just scared i will never be happy or #hopeful again or that every time i am something new will knock it down (which is a given living in the usa lol) and that it would be #unethical to try to do the BASIC bare minimum things i have always wanted to do in my life. lole #negative tw #ask to tag #abortion tw #shooting tw #mass shooting tw #monkeypox tw