#i was so against drugs but now theyre my best friends

[necroromantics]

Regarding being "cancelled"

Im not gonna address this further unless anyone needs clarification or something cuz its just drama with random ass kids who I'm not interested in interacting with

Some people dug up a fuck ton of old screenshots of shit I said in my server a year ago. Not gonna deny saying any of that, cuz I did say it, and I've said worse, and if you've talked to me at all I am always very open about this stuff.

In the screenshots I made jokes about disabled people and said I don't care if someone is a Nazi, because at the time my server had like no rules, everything was free reign (which is now changed). This is because I did not care if someone was disabled or a Nazi. It kinda comes hand in hand with ASPD, not caring unless it directly effects you. This does not mean I condone or support the things I joked about*

If you don't know what ASPD is, it's antisocial personality disorder, its characterized by "disregard for peoples rights and feelings". The reason I was even diagnosed in the first place was because I fit the criteria of crossing moral boundaries, disregarding peoples feelings, and not fitting into social norms. I was VERY bad with that in the past, especially a year ago when I was 18 years old, very deep in drug addiction, and didn't have the support system I have now.

If you want to judge me based on my past mistakes and actions, I can't control you. I don't expect anyone to like me, but I do care to get my side out too. I post here because I have fun, not because I care what people think. And if you judge me from shit I said as a drug addicted horribly mentally ill 18 yr old, then that isn't my problem.

Love the label, hate the symptoms yeah?

I don't like apologizing for things I'm not actually sorry for so this isn't an apology. I know I've said a lot of jarring and rude and fucked up things in the past, but if you know me at all then you know it never came from a place of hatred. To me, as someone with ASPD, its about proving that things like societal rules and norms aren't going to be another thing that controls you, so you just ignore them completely. This is what makes it a disorder. Cuz it's irrational and dysfunctional and causes problems like this

Also they vaguely mentioned me abusing someone who's borderline which is ??? because all the relationships with borderlines Ive been in had been very unhealthy on both sides. My mom has BPD so I know how to help those with BPD and Ive always tried my best to cater to BPDers symptoms and issues, even in the relationships where their condition got too much for me.

But yeah, I made mistakes in the past, and I'm not that person anymore, or at least I try hard not to be. I've been sober for almost a year, I have amazing friends and a good support system, I'm on medication for my bipolar disorder. Judge me from the past, but anyone who talks to me now knows that I work very hard to get over those mindsets and habits. To me, thats all that matters.

Edit: Not blaming my disorder, its just easier to explain. I'm taking full blame for what I said in the past, and I acknowledge that it was morally wrong. I said what I said. These people have been absolutely hellbent on being on my ass for months now when all I want to do is just chill out, get better, and live life. Theyre gonna keep complaining about everything I do, and I don't care to make any more edits, just wanted to clarify that Im not making excuses. Also I don't support Nazi's, I just made jokes about it. Anyone who knows me knows Im very against that shit

(I dont mean to sound callous or whatever, I just woke up to this and wanted to quickly clear shit up before it all blows out of proportion)

#tombtalk

[swampgallows]

thread on reddit about “what made you not kill yourself?” and all these people being like ohh my pets, my kids, my family, my best friend, etc and all i can think of is how people in my life would just make it about themselves

when T died all these fake ass motherfuckers came out of the woodwork talking about how they loved him sooo much and blah blah blah. none of these people fucking took him in. i lived in my dorm at the time but i let him sleep on my floor when i could get away with it, he even stayed over at my parents house once or twice cause they knew he was a good guy. all these people who knew he was trying to go straight and recover but kept pulling him back into drug shit. the system failed him in a lot of ways too (esp options limited to people who’ve been to prison) but i saw how people around him failed him too. i, too, feel that i failed him. i could have done things differently, but i was young and naiive. 

ive written it before but when T died the main reaction was people making it about themselves, how theyre so sad now, how theyre missing something, etc.  theyd make him take the bus to his own fuckin parties. demand guest list when it was like 10-15 at the crud. his own fucking mom wouldnt take him in but still posts on his fb all the time about how she misses her beautiful boy. when it came to actual talking about T, the majority of people just sort of shrugged and went “eh, he was on that track anyway” or “it was inevitable” or “it was bound to happen eventually”, and feeling no real remorse or regret that someone who was clearly in need of help never got any. 

and i feel pretty certain that would happen with me. all the people who bullied me in high school hearing that “bead girl killed herself, but eh, she was always pretty weird” or “well she’s always been depressed so :\” or “omg did covid finally get her? she never shut the fuck up about it” or “oh THOSE PEOPLE would have just died of the flu anyway”. those people. those people. those people. hell people have been begging me to kill myself since i was like 13 years old, i would just be fulfilling their wish.

there is a lot of talk about ‘battling suicide’ and ‘raising awareness’ but we still dont use the language yet about losing the battle. we never say we lost someone to suicide, we still say that they “committed” it, that it was an act on their part unprecedented by anything else, a choice they made that was “selfish” and independent of other factors. some have been trying to say people “die by suicide”, but you dont hear anyone say that people die of depression or that people die of mental illness.

and yet they do. they die of illness. they die of mental illness. suicide is not something that happens when you are healthy. every fiber of our being rebels against it, unless there is an illness to override it. saying it is a selfish choice someone made is like accusing someone of purposefully cultivating their cancer. and yet people do that too, the way they treat substance users. they ignore what help these people need and blame them for their poor coping mechanisms or their lack of access to treatment.

yes, i know being isolated at home for the last decade isn’t the best for my mental health, but what else am i supposed to do about it? “Go to the doctor”? and what then, genius? is prozac going to pay bills? will effexor boost my resumé with more work experience? does wellbutrin immunize against covid? does cymbalta allow me to meet with my therapist more than once every 6 weeks? is a daily dose of zoloft all i need to combat ptsd? does lexapro double as emdr, c/dbt, ect, or other professionally-led treatments? did me personally taking celexa remove any of the institutional barriers preventing me from connecting with my community, feeling included, being productive and valued and capable of actually participating in the world around me?

no. it made me hallucinate and unable to sleep for 56 hours.

#blathering

[summercurial]

omg!!!! just had a really good like....24 hr date. okay so his name is mark he's really handsome (he kind of looks like jamie dornan? ill ask him if i can post a pic sometime) and he's about my height and hes got big biceps and hairy arms and stubble and...omg he's jsut...very attractive. i really like looking at his face. he's a broker at his dad's like, finance comapny, a bit of a cringe nepotism moment but glass houses, also like. who is he disadvantaging, other finance dudes? who care. so anyway. he has a bunch of money ha. he has a nice apartment to his self and a bunch of fancy shit.

i came over at 1, we watched some netflix (i think u should leave) and drank some white claw and talked a bunch. he's into drugs and esp psychadelics. we had a really fun time talking. he talked about his 3 yr gf he broke up with 3 months ago. he cried a little. she was an alcoholic and like super shitty and manipulative. and lied all the time. i feel like it should have made me uncomfortable but it didnt. it was sweet sort of? idk. i hugged him. we disclosed a bunch of shit. i told him abt my friends i have sex with.

we had so much fun talking. he ordered chipotle. we cuddle a bunch. eventually we kissed and it was...so good. there's like, a force to it, like youre trying to become a single person. my favorite kind. he paints! his paintings are pretty good! he sells them for thousands of dollars! he has some bunnies, but theyre gonna be gone soon, cuz his girlfriend is taking them with her (she's been moved out for months, but she hasnt gotten all her shit). he showed me the holy mountain, altho we got distracted idk, 40 minutes in. he showed me a bunch of the weird metal and psychadelic music he likes. we talked about our neurotic parents. i had some amyl nitrite, which was really fun, and he gave me an adderall when i got sleepy. he fucked me a little but his dick is pretty long and i think it was pressing against the bend, we need to figure out a better angle. we took a shower then bath together. he called me a good girl a coupe times. sparse with it, the way my greed doesnt like but which counts so much more. i got some headpets/scritches. he's genuinely such a nice guy. anyway he invited me to sleep over and he did. he has a HUGE tv and it's on an arm so he can point it toward the couch or the bed. he has a bedroom but he doesnt use it for that, he uses it for painting and uses the mian room for his bed. at like 11 pm he wanted a smoothie but the smoothie place was closed so he doordashed a bunch of juice.

anyway in the morning i sucked his dick and he came in my mouth pretty quickly so i got to spend a lone time sucking on it in the afterglow, which i think he really liked! it was fun! we cuddled a bunch. we watched the entirety of casino! it was really good! i doordashed some vegetarian chicken nuggets. anyway now im back home. this is the best date ive been on in...i mean honestly maybe ever. it was great. im very happy. he's really into trans girls. he kept telling me how cute/gorgeous he thinks i am. it was so sweet... i mentioned im autistic and explained the flapping i do when he says something really nice. it was amazing

[literaila]

we used to

“the middle” 

spencer reid x reader 

summary: spencer cant remember the reader. she wont let him forget her. 

this is actually part two! part one here 

warnings: mentions of blood, mentions of pain, memories? angst. theres slashes though words (for example) but theyre meant to represent numbness

also! i wrote some of this while some teenage kids were watching me sit against a tree. i just thought that was important to add. enjoy! 

“Where did we meet?” 

“A little park. I was laying down enjoying the sunshine, and you came over, worried, and started checking my pulse. You said you wanted to make sure I wasn't dead.” 

She laughed. 

But she didn't tell him about the way his eyes had gotten bigger when she looked up at him. She didn't tell him how he swallowed, his face suddenly nervous. He didn't tell her how she had started laughing at him, and he blushed embarrassed. 

“After that, I asked if I could play chess with you. You let me win.”

She didn't tell him about the years she’d spent teasing him for that. She didn't tell him about the number she’d managed to slip into his bag when he’d been distracted. The number he didn't use for weeks. She didn't tell him how rejected she felt every day that went by, didn't tell him that she went to the same park almost every day just to see him. She didn't tell him about the disappointment that coursed through her veins every time she checked her phone. 

“Where was our first date?” 

“You took me to the museum. You were really nervous. I was almost worried you would run out of things to tell me.” 

She didn't tell him that it was one of the first things she’d noticed about him. That she’d loved that he had so much to say from the very beginning. 

They’d spent three days together. 

Spencer had to stay two weeks after he’d woken up. The first week was spent testing his memory, making sure everything was still in order. He spent day after day, meeting doctors, in machines. People were visiting him right and left, but he was almost always gone. 

She didn't see him much that week. 

The next week his doctors were sure that everything was fine. Besides the amnesia, there were no other effects on his brain. His broken leg was healing nicely, and he would be fine in a couple of weeks. 

But, they said, they wanted to keep him there just one more week, to make sure that they hadn't missed anything. 

So he stayed. 

And Y/N started going to see him that week. 

She’d been hesitant, worried that he wouldn't actually want to see her, that he had changed his mind, but as soon as she knocked on the door he seemed to be bright and awake. She took that as a good sign. 

Since then, three days have passed. They’d spent the majority of those days together. Spencer was full of questions, full of things that he couldn't remember he’d already told her, his brain never seemed to stop turning, to stop thinking. 

She was used to it. 

Most of the time, she was doing all of the talking. She was telling him about their relationship, about herself, she was telling him about all the things he’d learned about her in the course of five years, she was cramming it all into short sentences, giving up on giving any important details. 

It was exhausting. 

Sometimes, she started to say something, was about to mention something that they'd done together, but she always paused mid-sentence, reminded of the life Spencer had lost, of all of their days together that were lost. 

And other times, Spencer was telling her something, was talking so that she didn't have to, and he mentioned something that she already knew. He mentioned things about his childhood, about the way Derek teased him, the way Penelope was good at making him feel flustered, and she always felt herself wince. Because she already knew all of those things. She knew more things about him than he did, she knew almost everything. And he didn't. 

It was like two strangers talking. 

Except the only stranger in the room was her. 

She wasn't acting like herself. 

She was trying to avoid scaring Spencer, rushing into things, scaring him away from her forever. 

So she didn't act like herself. 

She hid the little details, the tiniest things that she didn't want him to know, she kept them locked away, didn't add them into the stories that he was always asking for. She did it constantly. And to some extent, it felt like lying, it felt like taking something important away from him. But, she also knew how easily overwhelmed her Spencer could get, she knew about all of the things that would scare him. So she didn't feel as bad hiding things from him. 

Derek and Penelope came almost every day. Some days the best they could manage was a call. Cases were taking over, the world not stopping for Spencer, and a couple of times they couldn't get to Spencer quick enough. 

So they called. And every time, Spencer seemed almost uncomfortable. He always asked if Y/N wanted to talk to them, always hesitant, because he didn't know how close all of them were, he didn't know if Y/N would feel pressured by his friends if she even liked them. 

All Spencer knew was there was a pretty girl, a girl he’d once known, sitting in his room. 

Today was like all the other days, Spencer asking questions, this time about their history together. 

Y/N had been looking out the window, daydreaming of a time where she didn't feel like a stranger to her own body. 

Spencer cleared his throat trying to get her attention. 

She looked over to him, her eyes wide and empty, she made a noise of acknowledgment, a sign that he could go on. She watched as he gathered his thoughts, already familiar with the look in his eyes.

 “What did I like about you?”

She paused. Looked away from him. What did he like about her? 

They’d talked about it many times. He’d told her thousands of times how much he loved her. She’d heard it over and over again, felt it pounding in her heart, racing around her head, every day for five years.

It didn’t seem long enough.

She thought about the things he used to compliment. 

“Your eyes. They’re so beautiful. They look like they hold all the secrets of the world.” 

She remembered him running his hands through her hair, moving it so he could see more of her face. She remembered his eyes. She remembered how comfortable they felt. 

“I hope you’ll tell me one day.” he’d said, after minutes of just looking at each other. 

“Tell you what?” she whispered, ducking her head down into his chest. 

He hadn’t answered. They both fell asleep. 

She thought of the time he told her she would look beautiful in anything. 

“It doesn’t matter to me what you wear. You’re perfect to me, always.” 

After that, he never stopped telling her that. 

“You’re perfect to me.”

“You’re perfect for me.”

“You’re perfect with me.”

“Always.”

For a moment, she wished she could hear it again. 

She removed that thought from her head almost as soon as it entered. She forced it away, locking it into her cage, somewhere deep in her body, where it wouldn’t be found again. 

She shouldn’t be thinking about things like that. 

“I think you liked that I was so open to learning new things. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t listen to you say.” 

Spencer contemplated that. He thought of all the people that asked him to stop talking, told him that it was too much, too far. 

She was probably right. 

But that seemed like a silly reason for him to love her. 

He finally nodded, accepting her answer. 

And then the nurse came in. 

And she had to leave 

 ***

Later that week, it was time for Spencer to go home.

It was time for both of them to go home since Y/N had refused to leave without him, even when he’d woken up. 

She was nervous.

She didn’t want him to know she was nervous.

They’d been living together for almost two years, together they had picked out an apartment, one that both of them had loved. They’d spent every day they had together, when they were both home, in their tiny apartment. She didn’t know what Spencer now would think about it. He’d lost all memories of it, lost all of their shared moments at home together, and when he’d asked about his apartment, the one he’d had five years ago, Y/N didn’t know what to say. 

He’d given up that apartment for her. 

He didn’t have any place to live beside their apartment. 

She smiled at him when he asked and told him about apartment searching, about how he was sure to get the safest apartment they could find. 

“We need it Y/N.” he’d whined when she refused to get the one apartment he deemed safest- because it came with a double lock and no balcony -she’d only smiled at him, kissing his nose and walking away. 

Eventually, she’d caved in. Spencer didn’t seem to like any other apartments after that one. 

After she was done sharing the story, done trying to remind him who he was supposed to be, he smiled nervously at her. 

She knew he was uncomfortable. She knew that he didn’t want to live in a brand new place, with a strange girl who he was supposed to be in love with. 

In his mind, they’d only known each other for two days, in his mind, she wasn’t anything special. In his mind, it was weird to live with someone you’d only just met.

Y/N didn’t know how to make him feel more comfortable. 

She tried to remind herself that it would take time, that it had taken time when they’d first moved in, that it would take time again. 

She didn’t want time. 

She wanted Spencer. 

She ignored that. Instead, she spent her time making sure she had all the proper medical equipment at their apartment. She spent the moments she wasn’t with Spencer online, looking for different things that could make a broken leg, a forgotten five years, easier. 

She also looked for things to prevent the pain she felt every time she moved. She didn’t want to breathe out smoke every time she tried to speak, tried to breathe. 

So far she hadn’t found anything. Her doctor recommended pain medication, told her about all the drugs that could help her. 

She refused to listen. 

She didn’t even know why. 

And now it had been more than a month since the accident, and they were finally going home. 

Together. 

She helped Spencer sign all his release papers, reminding him where he lived, what his phone number was, who they could call in case of emergency. 

She helped him and then it was time to go. It was time to go. 

They walked side by side out of the hospital, Spencer enjoyed the air outside, enjoyed something that didn’t feel like the stale walls of the hospital he’d been locked up in. Y/N looked back at the hospital. Almost longingly. Almost as if she wanted to go back. She wouldn’t feel as nervous as she did if they were still in the hospital. 

She brought him to her car. Helped him get in. They both smiled at each other awkwardly. 

The ride home was silent. Neither of them spoke a word. Spencer spent the time looking out the window, observing the drive he couldn’t remember, watching the world pass him by. Y/N avoided looking at him. She avoided looking at anything. She drove and she tried to remind herself that everything was fine. They were both going to be fine. 

By the time they got there, to the tiny apartment, both of them had only managed to rack up more nerves. 

“This is it.” Y/N said, getting out of the car, trying to keep her face calm, her body comfortable, to go help Spencer get out of the car. 

She showed him the way to the elevator. Listed out all of their neighbors that lived on the first floor. 

“This is Mrs. Hankel’s apartment. She loves you. She hates me.” she said as she passed by a door. 

It was the first laugh they shared all day. 

As they walked Spencer looked back at the door longingly. 

When they finally arrived at the door Spencer looked down at the welcome mat, laughing a little.

The mat, brown and boring, with a barely notice scrip at the bottom reading 

“shoes off, fuckers” 

Spencer looked back up at Y/N to see her laughing with him. They were getting closer, the invisible wall keeping them apart seemed to disappear for a moment. 

“Why do we-?” he asked, chuckling as he watched her smile. 

He could see the way she lit up, the life that had joined her eyes, he could see the immediate difference in her body just by looking at the mat. 

“You kept pestering me about a welcome mat,” she laughed, shaking her head and looking up at Spencer. “But Y/N '' she imitated him, “Studies have shown that most toxic chemicals that end up inside a person's home are tracked in by their shoes. A doormat would stop that-'' she giggled, her words fading. “You just wouldn’t give it up. Eventually, we had to compromise.” she ended, pointing her hand at the mat and smiling at him. 

It was her first real smile. 

Spencer felt dazed. 

But, almost as quick as it was there, it disappeared, fading off her face, her eyes becoming stone again. 

The wall was back up. 

She reminded herself not to overwhelm him, not to do anything that would be too much. She never wanted to be too much for him. He needed help, not her emotions. 

She was still reminding herself of that as they walked in the doors. 

Spencer looked around and he saw some things that he didn't really understand, like the art hanging up on the wall, the candles that seemed to rest on every empty space, the delicate paintings on the walls. But as he looked around he saw things that he did understand. He saw the textbooks, the bookshelves that occupied all the walls, and when Y/N told him that he was free to walk around, to look around, he saw all of his books placed on the bookshelves littering the apartment. He walked around and noticed all the tattered old copies that he had bought at second-hand bookstores, he saw the first edition books everyone always seemed to give, he looked around and he remembered all the books. He also saw new books, ones that he couldn't imagine reading without some persuasion. He saw old romance, new romance, he saw young adults and dystopian, he saw cookbooks, self-help books, and he laughed a little at the thought of reading any of them. 

Those were so obviously Y/N’s. 

“We have a lot of books.” he heard her say behind him, and he turned to see her standing watching him, observing him looking around. He wondered why he hadn't noticed her before. 

He smiled at her, hoping that she wasn't bothered by him snooping around. 

“Did I bring some of my books here?” he asked, turning back to look at all the books he remembered. 

“Yes. Not all of them, I needed a little bit of room. But most of them are yours.” she smiled, her face still tense, still frozen solid. 

She turned to go, wanting Spencer to look around without her hovering over him. 

She walked into the kitchen to make them something for lunch, feeling the pain circle her lungs. She thought of the medication she could be taking right now, thought of the relief her body would feel, she thought about the pain, the writhing pain that lived inside her. 

The pain on her lungs was nothing. 

The pain on her lungs, on her ribs, in her chest, felt like pain medication. 

It felt like nothing compared to- 

She paused. She let her thoughts drift off, let her body become aware again, let herself turn to stone, let everything drain out of her. 

This pain was nothing. 

She was strong enough to deal with a little pain. 

She continued to make lunch, continued to not think of anything, to only think of essential things, such as where she would sleep. How she would show Spencer their bedroom, show him where he kept all stuff. 

She thought about showing him which shampoos were his, why he enjoyed them so much. He thought about showing him the clothes she’d been buying him for years, the clothes he used to tell her he felt at home in. She thought about showing him the photo album they had made together, Spencer mostly watching, as a present for their third anniversary. She thought about showing him how to lock the door, how to make sure their security system wouldn't start blaring when they left the house. 

She had so much to teach him. 

There were so many lost memories. 

And finally, when she was about to let it go, about to forget about all the things she needed to do, Spencer walked in. 

The pain she felt just looking at him- 

Breathe in. 

“Hey. See everything?” she asked, a perfect, practiced smile on her face. 

Spencer smiled back, politely. “Yeah. Did you decorate?” 

She laughed, the feeling burning her lungs. “You helped me choose the colors,” she said reassuringly as if she was worried he was going to be upset as if she knew how this stranger would react as if she knew him-

Spencer nodded, looking solemnly at the floor. 

“So I was thinking-” Y/N started, only to be interrupted by Spencer. 

‘When can I-” he started, looking up at her sheepishly. “Sorry,” he muttered smiling at her. She nodded, her face cold as ice, nodding for him to continue. “I was wondering when I could get my stuff?” he continued, softer this time. 

She paused, her hands frozen, her face still poised, but her heart racing at his words. 

“Get your stuff?” she asked softly, trying not to let her voice shake. 

“Yeah,” he responded easily. “I asked JJ and she said I could stay at her house. At least until I can get a new apartment-” 

Y/N had stopped listening. 

She wasn't listening. 

Spencer wasn't staying. 

He wasn't.

He was. 

He was leaving. 

She felt her insides freeze, ice hitting every inch of her body, keeping her stuck, stuck in her head, stuck to the floor, stuck with the pain building, building up inside her. 

She nodded, robotically. 

Spencer said something else, something about her showing him where his clothes were. 

She wasn't listening, she refused to listen, she wasn't listening. 

Her body responded though. 

She led Spencer through their living room, showed him where the bathroom was just in case, she led them into their bedroom, her eyes avoiding his, her heart avoiding beating. 

She watched as he looked around their room, examined the bed, the small desk hiding in the corner, the dresser on the opposite side of the room. She pointed to the closet. Pointed and left the room.

She wasn't listening. 

She sat down on the couch, staring ahead of her, not listening, not feeling, nothing. She sat there, sat there, and listened. She wasn't listening. She felt close to falling asleep. 

She waited for him to come back. 

Leaving. 

Come back. 

Always. 

He walked back into the room, holding a bag, holding one of their bags. He smiled at her as he zipped it up, as he locked all his clothes up, as he got ready to leave. 

“Thank you,” he said, clueless to the feeling burying itself into her chest. “Thank you for driving me here. JJ’s coming to pick me up soon.” 

Her ears perked up at that. Confused when JJ had known to come over when Spencer had gotten a hold of her. 

He must’ve seen the question in her eyes because he answered “Garcia showed me how to use my phone.” 

She nodded. Her lips pursed, her eyes cloudy, her face void of anything, void of emotion, void of color. 

Spencer looked at her and tilted his head, he thought he noticed something different, thought that if he was trying to be a good boyfriend, the boyfriend she’d had a month ago, he would’ve asked, he would’ve done something. 

Spencer didn't know her. 

He stood there, staring at her, her eyes void, not acknowledging his staring, and they both waited, just waited until there was a knock on the door. 

They both looked over. 

Spencer looked back at Y/N. He smiled, his hands awkwardly placed in front of himself. He smiled at her, and she smiled back. 

He started walking to the door, looked back to her, said 

“Thank you. I see you soon.” 

And then he was gone. 

He was gone. 

He was gone. 

Come back. Come back come back come back come back come back. 

Her head was chanting at her, telling her what to do, telling her what she shouldn't do, telling her too many things at once. Her head was chanting at her. Over and over, chanting chanting. 

She looked up at the ceiling. 

Always. 

Always. 

Always wasn't real. 

Always was a lie. 

Always. 

She looked back down, felt the pain fill her fingertips, felt the pain cloud her head, a storm forming above her. She felt it invade her heart, invade her bones, her muscles, felt the pain swimming in her veins, swimming everywhere in her body, she felt the pain the pain the pain. 

Her face was nothing, her face was empty, it was empty 

Her body wasn't. 

She sobbed. 

She sobbed for the pain, for the pain that was everywhere, for the medication she wished she’d taken, for the life that she didn't have, for the life, for her life, for her memory, for everything. She sobbed, and she sobbed. 

She fell to the floor. 

She let herself fall apart. 

She sobbed. 

Always. 

It was just a little pain.

***

They saw each other twice a week after that. 

Spencer went back to work. 

Y/N stayed home. She worked from there.

She let the loneliness cloud her brain. 

She let herself dream of the words that weren't there. 

She never told Spencer. 

***

“Where do you work?” 

“I teach second grade. Earlier this year I decided to take a year off. We were going to do some traveling and I didn't want to be gone for too long. I’m an artist at heart though.” She teased. 

Her face was stone. Her voice was warm. 

Spencer smiled. 

***

“Did you ask me to be your boyfriend?”

“It was more of a mutual thing. I was spending the night at your apartment, right after we had gotten back from one of those old movies you like, and you asked if I was your girlfriend, if I wanted to meet your family. I just agreed, told you I’d already told my Mom you were my boyfriend. You laughed.”

She smiled at him. Sipped her coffee. 

Spencer nodded along. 

***

“What's your family like?” 

“Well, my parents love you. So does my sister. My brother likes to pretend you don't exist. You used to be okay with that. I’m in the middle. But I’m the favorite.” 

She bragged. 

She sat there. She watched him. 

He looked off behind her. 

***

“Did we have a favorite place?” 

“We used to spend a lot of time at the park. We loved the park. You always beat me at chess, cause I told you to stop letting me win. You didn't like that very much. But mostly we just sat and talked at the park. You always liked going there after a hard case.” 

Spencer didn't say a word. 

The park. 

***

“When did you meet the team?” 

“A year after. You didn't want to rush anything. You wanted your secrets. But I loved them before I knew them. You’d praised them so much I don't know how I couldn't have liked them. Penelope and I clicked. She became my best friend. We bonded over always staying home. You loved that we were so close. Sometimes you forced me out of the house to spend time with her.” 

Nothing. 

***

“When did I first tell you I loved you?” 

She paused. 

She didn't want to answer that question. 

She didn't want the reminder, the constant, consistent reminder of how much Spencer used to love her. He used to love her. 

He used to. 

“It was four months into our relationship. You blurted it out while I was sitting on your lap, watching you read. We were close then. You apologized after. I never had a doubt, I said it right back. ‘I love you.’” 

And she said it so he knew. She said it so she could rebuild the memory. 

She said it to help him remember. 

She said it because it was easy. 

She loved him. 

He used to. 

***

It was Wednesday. 

It was a Wednesday, almost a month since they’d gotten home. 

Since she’d been home. 

Since Spencer had moved out. 

It had been almost a month. 

They’d been getting to know each other for almost a month now. 

Spencer was coming over. 

It was the first time Spencer had asked to come over. Since he’d first gotten his stuff, the first day he left the hospital, since then he had moved out completely, had taken most of his stuff, the things he wanted. He’d been inviting Y/N to coffee, they spent at least one day a week together if he was home. 

She was talking to Penelope more. Checking up on him through her instead of directly asking him. She didn't want to be too overwhelming. 

It had been a month of being with him from afar. 

She was doing fine. 

Her wounds had completely healed. She’d gotten a good report from her doctor, and she was doing fine. 

She was doing fine. 

Spencer was coming over. 

He was coming over for the first real-time. And this time he had asked if he could come over, said he wanted to talk to her. 

She let her heart bubble for a moment. Let herself imagine Spencer living in her house again. 

She stopped herself before it got too far. 

She would do nothing to ruin the progress they had made. 

She waited at home, she waited and got herself ready. She prepared herself for talking to him, for not saying too much, for saying just the right amount. She prepared herself to see him again. To be in love with him while he watched. 

She waited for him. 

She turned herself to stone when he knocked on the door. 

She opened it, smiling at him and letting him in. 

He walked in, his body was tense, his eyebrows were furrowed, and his eyes were scrunched in concentration. Y/N tried not to stare at him, to stare at the familiarity in the face. He looked like her Spencer for a moment. 

She kept the smile on her face. 

“Did you need to talk about something?” she asked, she asked and she got him a bottle of water, needing to preoccupy her hands with something, with anything, just to keep the smile on her face. 

She didn't want him to see through the cracks in her foundation. 

She needed to be perfect for him. 

For him. 

You’re perfect to me. 

Always. 

She waited for him to speak. 

“I think… I think I’ve been doing something wrong,” he said after a moment, looking down at the floor, guilty like he had just made a huge confession. 

“Something wrong?” she asked, her face almost moving, almost breaking. 

Not quite. 

Spencer looked up at her. Looked into her eyes. Really looked. He looked for a girl, a girl he might’ve known, a girl that he would remember. He looked, he looked, and he couldn't see anything. She was still just the girl he had first seen, still just a person, someone he didn't know. He looked once more. 

Nothing. 

“I think I was wrong.” 

She looked back at him, looked into her eyes, the eyes that she actually knew. 

They looked so sad. 

“W-wrong?” She stuttered out, her eyes moving in concern, breaking. Spencer was never wrong. 

“Do you know who I am?” Spencer asked. His face was unmoving like he already knew the answer. 

“You’re Spencer. You're my-” she swallowed, climbing over the words. “You’re my friend.” 

Spencer looked at her. He shook his head, ignoring the panic in her eyes. “No. Do you know who I am?” 

“I-”

“Because I don't know who you are.” 

Y/N closed her mouth. She looked in his eyes, scared by the harsh tone, scared by the words. She looked at him and she didn't see her look. He wasn't looking at her like he loved her. He hadn't looked at her like that in mon- 

“I don't know who you are Y/N. I thought I might-” he paused, baffled at his past self. “I thought I might remember you. But I don't. To me, you are just a girl I met three months ago.” 

She stared at him. 

Just a girl just a girl just a girl- 

This pain was a memory that would never go away- 

“I don't think I’ll remember you. I think this was a mistake.” He said. Final. Unmoving. 

She felt stuck to the ground. 

Stuck in place, stuck to the pain clinging to her. 

“M-mistake?” she said, the words forced out of her mouth. Her body was shaking like she was freezing, she couldn't imagine not feeling pain, she couldn't imagine not knowing Spencer, she knew Spencer she knew him she knew him. 

“I think we were only fooling each other by hoping.”  

Hope. 

Hope wasn't a word in her vocabulary. Hope didn't exist in a world where Spencer didn't love her. Hope wasn't a thing, hope wasn't available. Hope. Didn't. Exist. 

Hope. 

What was hope? 

“I think we need to stop. I don't want to hurt you.” Spencer said. His voice wasn't familiar. His face wasn't familiar. 

Did she know him? 

“I don't think we should do this anymore.” 

Anymore. 

Not anymore. 

Always. 

Not always. 

Pain glued her eyes glued her mouth shut. 

“I’m sorry Y/N.” 

She watched him, frozen in place as he walked out the door. 

She didn't know what he was thinking. She didn't know that Spencer did care, that Spencer had seen her once, that she came in glimpses. She didn't know that Spencer could see how much he was hurting her, how much spending time with him was destroying him. 

She didn't see that he was trying to give her a clean break. 

One that would hurt less. 

She didn't know any of that. She only watched him pull her heart out of her chest, grab it, take it away from her, she watched as he threw it around. 

She watched as he crumbled it. 

He had said always. 

***

There was a cloud in his head. 

A cloud hanging over him, a cloud proving his world to be dark, to be covered in nothing but the dark clouds that surrounded him. 

There was a cloud hung over his head. 

The sun had disappeared. 

Oh. 

The clouds swirled around him. 

He got dizzy with realization. 

The sun. 

His world titled.

Oh 

***

my masterlist here

yes yes! its not over yet. but i hope you enjoyed. and understood. and i hope i didnt ruin your day with my writing.

final part here

#spencer reid smut #spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds #criminal minds rp #criminal minds headcanons #mgg #mgg x reader #mgg blurb #mgg fanfiction

[beeluvsbunni]

hi

this shit long

tw: drugging, kidnapping, manupilation, i think age regression? i dont know if i wrote this well enough for it to be considered age regression, im so sorry if this would be considered offensive <33

inspo: none lmao my brain is just big

imagine wilbur gets tired of tommy trying to stop him from jd'ing everyone so he tries to drug tommy so he just sleeps through everything and tommy is terrified. tommy is running through a forest and runs into techno. he collaspes into technos arms and begins to sob into his chest about how wilburs trying to drug him and how scared he is of him.

techno begins to run his hand through tommys hair and comforts him softly, rubbing his back slowly and whispering to him. wilbur calls out for tommy and tommy tells techno that they need to run away somewhere. techno sighs and just grips tommy tighter, and yells for wilbur, telling him where they are. tommy panics and begins to scream and kick and cries harder, and techno lightly kisses his forehead while wilbur sticks a needle in his neck and injects the drugs.

tommy stomps on technos foot (not that harshly cause drugs) and tries to run. he goes as fast as possible (about a third of how fast he was running before cause drugs) and eventually collaspes against a tree. wilbur hums while picking him up and techno just watches. tommy just gives up and sobs into wilburs shoulder while wilbur slowly rubs him back to comfort him. they make it back to the ravine and wilbur lazily ties tommys wrists together and he and techno stay with tommy as he eventually passes out. dream shows up just as tommy is about to fall asleep and all tommy can hear dream say is 'goodnight kid. you guys ready to go?'

bonus points if schlatt finds him and takes care of him during his coma

okay have some more things that happen cause i like details.

as wilbur picks up tommy and he gives up and goes limp while sobbing, dream starts following them but tbh that doesnt need to be included.

wilbur ties tommys hands behind his back.

as tommy begins to pass out, techno and wilbur both coo at the sight of his eyes drooping and him getting tired.

you can add this or not tbh i just like platonic cuddles, wilbur lays down with tommy as he passes out and plays with his hair.

as tommy loses consciousness, he forgets what just happened and tells 'wil' and 'techie' that he loves them (OW HURT MYSELF THERE)

while caring for tommy, schlatt lets tubbo visit him a bunch. he normally walks in on tubbo cuddling with tommy, making him flowers crowns, or just talking to tommy about his day.

tubbo still believes that tommy can hear him. tommy can. which means he hears niki and fundy make up, eret and dream casually talk shit about eachother, sapnap and george fighting *all the time*, phil coming to visit him and crying everytime, and wilbur and techno apologizing. and schlatt and dream and literally everyone else of the server beating up wil and tech.

OW I HURTED MYSELF WITH THAT

more :DD

techno and wilbur call tommy 'bubba' as they talk to him (I LOVE PEOPLE CALLING OTHER PEOPLE BUBBA OKAY SHDJVSHSJVSK) while he passes out. also whlle hes in a coma.

tommy hates to admit it but he still trusts wilbur, dream, and techno with his life

phil beats the fuck outta techno, wilbur, and dream

imagine that in a different ending tommy wakes up to techno and wilbur laying on either side of him, hugging him while they talk boredly. theyre covered in soot (haha wil) and ash but look happy. tommy asks what they did as he tries to sit up and gasps as he realizes that he cant and his hands are tied behind his back. he tries to squirm but gives up as techno and wilbur laugh at him. he doesnt really remember what happened and his speech is slurred so techno and wilbur come to the conclusion that tommy is still drugged up a bit. they tell him to go back to sleep and he listens.

after he wakes up again, his arms are untied and wilbur is gone but techno is still laying behind him. he asks what happened, again, and this time techno answers him, telling him about wilbur drugging him, how they did it to protect him, and how they blew up manberg. tommy goes into shock and starts crying, and manages to ask about tubbo.

techno tells tommy that he's lucky that wilbur has a shred of his sanity left, because the three of them, techno, wilbur, and dream, decided to spare tubbo, eret, niki, and anyone who didnt die from the explosion. luckily, schlatt was the closest to the bigger blast, so he was the only one that died. but george, sapnap, and quackity are all dying from their injuries and might not make it. but they probably will.

tommy breaks down and begins sobbing, causing wilbur to walk in. he looks to techno, who was panicking and helping tommy sit up, and then sighs faintly. wilbur walks over and hugs his baby brother and does his best to comfort him. tommy tries to squirm away but he just woke up, theres still a little bit of drugs in his system, and wilbur can easily overpower him.

m o r e

okay so for the second ending i 'wrote', imagine if techno and wilbur run away and take tommy with them and baby him the whole time. even with their mental health issues they try their best to take care of him, even if that means sleeping in the same bed as him so he cant leave in the night, or if it means having to keep secrets from him, or if it means having to have at least one of them watching him at all times, theyre still doing it to 'protect him' and in their head, its working.

once, tommy cut his arm because a zombie had a sword. immediately, techno, who was watching him, went feral and murdered the zombie by bashing its head in. tommy had a chance to run, but he didn't take it. he felt frozen in place. wilbur had heard the commotion and immediately ran towards them and found techno beating down an already dead zombie and tommy watching in horror.

he starts to baby tommy, per usual, and turns his head away from it and hugs him tightly, quickly gushing over tommy and panicking over his sliced arm. tommy lets him, he learned quickly to just let them baby him.

after the three get back to the little hut they made, shock wears off and tommy begins to cry because it hurts?? and techno and wilbur panic and wilbur shushes him and starts to cuddle him while techno stiches up his arm. they both lay next to him as he falls asleep and for the first time since they left he feels genuinely comforted.

THATS RLLY BITTERSWEET

more

somedays, while techno, wilbur, and tommy sit at the dinner table and eat potatoes, tommy plays with his food and contemplates grabbing a steak knife and running. other days, he looks to the boarded up windows that he could easily break through and decides to walk into the living room and cuddle with his older brothers.

he begins to completely depend on techno and wilbur, with the way they baby him. his personailty changes. he whines when he doesnt get what he wants instead of nodding his head like he became used to in the wars. he cant fall asleep without wilbur or techno near him/cuddling with him. he forgets how to make food for himself. he forgets how to wrap wounds.

hes used to not being allowed to get himself a cup for water because 'the cupboard is to high up'. hes used to boarded up windows, with alarms on ever door, with a tracker via a braclet sitting on his wrist because 'we want to keep you safe'. he's used to the cameras in almost every room besides his and the bathrooms, that was the only thing he didnt allow and will never allow because 'we need to know where you are, what if you get taken from us?'. he's used to being coddled and kissed when he gets hurt because 'youre to young to understand why we do this'.

when schlatt finds them and everyone comes and takes away his brothers, his family, his caretakers, he panics. he screams and cries and begs for them to not take them away. he's surprised to see schlatt alive because his brothers told him that he was dead, so he thinks hes hallucinating. he kicks and squirms when he needs to be sedated for them to be able to leave, causing a panic attack at the memories that come flooding back to that fateful night that brought them here.

when phil comes to the smp, he does his best to care for his youngest son. he truely does, but its difficult, especially due to tommys now much more prominent mental health issues.

and now you write the ending

btw my friend fear is writing this as a whumptober prompt <3

#tommyinnit #technoblade #wilbursoot #wilbur soot #philza #jschlatt #tubbo #dreamwastaken #dream #georgenotfound #sapnap #minecraft #hard fucking drugs #kidnappings #trauma #manupilation #lotta shit to unpack here #ive made a shit ton of text posts #and still dont know how the hell im supposed to tag #help??? #tommy angst tommy angst #tommy angst #tommy angst to #anyways #how y'all been? #btw i support blm <3 #just thought y'all should know #thank you all so much for the traction ive gained over the past couple days #genuinely thank you so much #<333

[lexicled]

12/4 Dream SMP

I'm watching from Tubbo's POV, and there are A LOT of spoilers for the Exile Streams, so beware!

0:42:30 - tommy istg, dont make me regret singing your praises for the last two days. let tubbo be president and take charge. don't charge in, swords ablazing.

also, theyre repeating history again! like a week after! they brought techno in to fight against one government, and he's gonna swoop back in and take out you own government!

0:46:33 - AH LET TUBBO BE PRESIDENT PLEASE! QUACKITY AND FUNDY NEED TO HAVE MINDS OF THEIR OWN! TOMMY IS NOT IN CHARGE ANYMORE

0:48:30 - tommy apologized! f*ckin finally! unfortunately, they are massively over estimating their power. they are screwed.

its the first 40 minutes and i can tell that everythung has already gone to sh*t

0:50:55 - i love the people of l'manburg so much, but theyre being so obnoxious. tubbo is getting ignored

0:52:52 - HOLY SH*T! HOLY SH*T! TUBBO F*CKING DID IT! OH MY GOD! HE FINALLY SNAPPED!

0:54:29 - "They're just music discs." I'm in tears oh my god.

also ghostbur lurking in the background just like "???"

0:56:44 - Tommy sounds like he's going to f*cking cry, jesus christ

1:00:12 - I have no clue who's in the right. Quackity is right, they threw away their dignity and respect to give to Dream. But, they didn't listen to Tubbo's concerns, didn't listen to his authority and wanted to just charge in.

also "Tommy thinks too emotionally..." Now, where have we heard that before The Pit

1:04:05 - Damn, Fundy really likes writing minecraft books unnecessaryily formal.

1:07:05 - Quackity, this room is a big step down from the other two "mystery-last-moment-rooms"

What are they going to do to Techno? I don't agree with what he did to L'Manburg, but he was open about his ideals, accomplished his goals and then left to be alone. He hasn't done anything to the nation since.

1:11:05 - This is getting terrifyingly violent. Chill out guys, this is going to leave the war crime counter at "No days" for weeks.

1:14:06 - Is Tubbo ok? He's gone from exiling his best friend to keep the peace, to planning to violently murder a man?? These are going to be dark times L'Manburg if the next few weeks are going to about smoking a man out with propaganda.

1:18:48 - Yes, Tubbo, this is definitely communism.

1:21:09 - I feel like they're back to overestimating themselves again. I don't think Niki would be on the side of "Let's violently axe Technoblade to death."

1:24:40 - I still hate Dream in this situation. The green bastard. He's full of lies and deception, ready to switch sides to fulfill his goals.

Fundy, stop flirting. FwT is great, but this is just so important, I'm begging you fox man.

1:27:55 - God, I love Quackity's passion, but this is not good, or healthy or right. He...sounds a lot like Schlatt. Wanting power, craving superiority, not caring what he needs to do to get it. Tommy might've stirred up a bit of trouble, but Quackity is swaying the country in a horrible direction. I'm not sure where they're going from here, but I don't think its very good.

1:44:30 - Entirely unrelated, but what's up with the presidents of L'Manburg and substance abuse?? Schlatt with the alcohol, Wilbur with building the nation from inside of a drug van, and Tubbo being high or some sh*t??

#dream smp #dream smp spoilers #tommyinnit #tubbo #quackity #fundy #dreamwastaken #lmanberg #schlatt #jschlatt #ranboo #technoblade #tw cursing #tw swearing #tw alchohol mention #tw drug mention #tw death mention

[heleizition]

If you feel like it, I would love to hear more of your headcanons about your farm au!! ✨💕

let me tell u about jayroy in my farm ay even tho theyre not even living in the little city.. .. . .

jay is a year or so younger than roy but roy n him became friends anyway because everyone knows everyone in the little farm towb, and they're very good and soft and a bit in love but never talk about it.

and then jay leaves for college and roy is so happy for him but he's also not in a good place with ollie and everything and ollie and him have a fight over alcohol or drugs - roy has been an addict of both in canon, depending which timeline u look at and like its a Thing that happen in the au too - and roy flees and ends up knocking at jay's door at 2 am in his little appartment in the city, and roy is a bit broken and sad and doesnt know what to do with himself because no one ever believed he could be good but with jason, its alright

bruce calls jason

bc roy left right after ollie and his fight and ollie is rly worried and regrets his words and he cant find roy and bruce knows he and jay were close and jay tells him roy is with him and at first ollie wants to immediatly go and get roy but bruce stops him bc he knows roy needs space and also he knows his son and he knows that specific soften in his voice

i dont want this ollie to be a Bad Dad, he's just, he adopted roy a bit early and he's not mature enough to know what to tell a child or a sad teen and when he sees the drugs/the alcohol he loses it and he's mad bc he doesnt know how to react otherwise, but he would never hurt roy intentionally, he's worried and loves roy and anger is easier than being sad or feeling guilty at that moment

he's not the best dad but he tries and love his son and its awkward sometimes but the next school holidays jay and him come home and roy and ollie talk and they both cry a bit and if roy wants to get help he'll be here every step if he wants him to,,,, roy knocks their shoulders together and smile and looking at each other is a bit too much right now so they both focus on the floor until ollie goes, "so... jason uh ?" and roy pushes him bc what better way for an awkward dad to reconcile w his awkward son that to prob information on the sons potential crush slash boyfriend,,

also when roy went to the city to stay with jay they ended up moving into a bigger appartment and roy started working at a dinner or smth and he holds his own and pay rent on time even if jay - and bruce - has told him several times that it'd be fine if he didn't, that they had his back, and its nice and domestic and they cuddle on the couch to watch movies and jay is always here to catch roy when he takes a wrong step and most nights they end up cuddled up in one bad, but they dont kiss, they dont talk about the affection warming their chest everytime they look at each other, or the softness in jason's hands when he tucks a starnd of hair behind roy's ear, or when roy always comes refill his coffee when jay is studying at the dinner roy works at, and when they leave later after his shift and he's tired and curls up a little against jason,, , ,

anyway softe love

#farm au #jayroy #ask me

[biaswreckingfics]

I GOT SO MUCH TO SAYYY!! gosh pls dont find me weird okay, and these are just my personal opinions and im not hating any groups!! but my unpopular opinion is: i think kpop has become very toxic after bts and bp got famous in America. And tbh if you ask me, i wouldnt want any other kpop groups to be famous in America... i only stan exo but i think i speak for all groups when i say they are safe as they are now... of course if exo ever get even more famous i will be happy and proud for their success. But look how fame and America has changed bts and bp... not tryna hate but look theyve changed, idk if anyone else noticed but after fame hits bts, i realised how theyve start to become very...white?? like they are so westernised and like example, they start focusing on America only, they even curse (not a lot but i’d still point out) casually like for example, jungkook singing a curse word in his cover song for jason derulo savage love i think (speaking of cursing, after nct127 got famous in usa mark started getting influenced by them too and he casually cursed like “oh fuck” and everyones like 😃😆) even i curse and im not saying cursing is BADD but yeah i am, and how they sing a whole song in english, not to even mention how toxic america is but in grammys they have sold tons of albums yet they didnt win anything but when they release an english song, they won.

Some half of them americans are very toxic, racist, and just theyre basically acid, like bruh, its evident that once bts got famous there are soooo much hate thrown towards bts too cuz theyre asians, or how some would say theyre gay or look like girls...if my favs (exo) ever get these kinds of treatments (not that they dint but veryy little cuz thank god they ain exposed to the western culture) i will B R E A K, i could never handle that so i would never want that to happen to them. Also noticed how, after bts got famous, most armys are equally as toxic, whether they are just stanning bts just cuz theyre famous there, or like how their fans dont even know anything abt bts and coming after so many groups and their fans. Most of them are fake and i think its cuz of the fame for bts lmao. One thing i’d like to say too tho, is how they are so overrated and their songs are played all the damn time, people would randomly talk abt them, like everywhere you go THEY ARE JUST THERE, like in my opinion if i am an army, i would just feel like they are so common and theres nothing special about them anymore and theres no excitement, like what even is the point anymore. idk if anyone gets me but thats just how i feel about my favs being “wOrLdWiDe fAmOuS”, i will love them and their music but its just something i think about tbh🤷🏻‍♀️ like let me listen to them on my own and vibe and love them, dont play it 24/7 just cuz they are famous and ure tryna get people’s attention, like imagine ure in the subway and u hear ur favs song cuz its EVERYWHERE and ure there like 😐😐 not that u dont love their music but its cuz horrible people dont deserves to listen to their songs, and like people arent going to appreciate them anyway so yeah i feel uncomfortable listening to my favs as others dont even bother, like imagine if that subway is filled with people who are in ur fandom, yall would just hv the best time in the world and VIBE, if not what even is the point. Idk if im explaining it properly, but its badically like, u feeling UNCOMFORTABLE or should i even say SELFISH cuz u do not want to be sharing ur favs with people who dont even deserve to KNOW about them. Basically like seeing how someone you HATE or bullied you back then talking and being all friendly fake with ur BESTEST FRIEND or even boyfriend/girlfriend, cuz u just want to protect them from EVIL (im so dramatic)

And well lastly, no Bts did not paved the way, or “bts is the best and only group” like no, so many amazing artists were breaking records way before bts was even a thing (no hate to bts) but they really need to get slap for having that mindset, they really make a bad image for bts...tbh kpop before was so peaceful (a little toxic but still, compared to now...BYE) and everything was just about idols and fans love, listening and supporting and loving their music and just so comforting... urgh anyway thats all i wanna say and here are some texts i saved relating to kpop groups going famous worldwide uwu

these are also examples, and honestly speaking here, i dont want to be specific as in “exo” cuz i think this happens for ALL the groups out there and the love and relationship between the idols and their fans (family) are just beautiful, but for bts and armys... tbh i feel bad because i just dont see or feel any love they hv for each other (sure we see bts saying i love you armys or armys supporting bts but with all the toxicity in their way, theres just no spark or chemistry or bond no more it’s basically like one direction and their fans and thats all they are, celebrity-fan, but for kpop its family), i can see other groups and their fans interacting or how idols would light up talking abt their fans, but for bts, theres just soooo much mess going on in their fandom its not special anymore, they lost the deep meaning of their group love and IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN IT but YEAH DJSHSKSJ OH and to add somethign else, they got famous in America, look at all the collabs🤡🤡 blackpink with cardi b, bts with nicki etc... not that collabs arent fun... im just saying these american artists... they dont exactly have a good reputation (americans singing about sex (not the good kind), money, girls and drugs) 🥴🥴 dont influenced my faves and let them be exposed to the toxic culture YALL GET ME?? KPOP HAS THE LETTER K FOR A REASON😭😭😭 let them be their own shining star, not everything has to be involved or a part of aMeRiCa to be amazing.... PHEW IVE SAID IT NOW BEFORE ANYONE GETS MAD AT ME, I DONT MEAN TO SOUND RUDE TO YOU, if youre an american and youre no where near being toxic, I LOVE YOU but im just saying, the western culture is toxic and im just saying what ive been observing and noticing🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️ ps: i still love exo till the max and everything about them is perfect and theyre just amazing people (everything i said that bts and armys dont really have anymore, i think thankfully, EXO (sorry im biased) most fandoms still have so much of the L O V E there and i find that extraordinary) and he fandom is so comforting and amazing and idk dkdjjdjss thats why i dont want them getting famous worldwide...sorry exols ANYWAY THATS ALL FOR MY RANT ITS 4AM AND I AM THINKING OF DELETING THIS💀💀💀 anywya sorry for taking up so much space but i just wanna say I FREKAING LOVE NO EXIT, NO LIMITS, basically all ur exo fics cuz why not🥺🥺 i think ur writing skills are amazing as well as the plots and all especially forsaken, and THANK YOU for two bbhxoc fics😭😭😭 i cant!!! also if u reached here idk i-🥲 i hope u didnt get mad or offended 👀

Reply under the cut!!

Kpop has become extremely toxic with the growth of international fans and the rise of 3rd/4th gen. I wasn't around to experience the previous generations, but I know damn well they weren't a mess like these newer ones are.

Gaining fame in America does seem to change idols, and idk why. The group members change and the music changes also. While I do enjoy hearing idols swear (guilty pleasure) and I am an American so I get to enjoy their English songs, I can see how it makes all the other cultures/countries feel some type of way.

I will say this, though, the Grammys are shit and I dont get why people care so much about them. They've proven time and time again the awards don't go to the best artists. However, this doesn't mean that I think BTS deserved a Grammy imo.

Americans are a very toxic and hate filled bunch (again, I am one, so I get to see this shit every day). I 100% know that some of the hate directed towards Asians is because of racism (as seen by the insane uptick in crime against Asian Americans right now) and because some see kpop male idols as too feminine.

BTS is literally everywhere, which is one of the reasons I stopped listening to them tbh. They'd be in commercials, on talk shows, late night shows, in magazines, on the radio, just everywhere. It took the joy out of watching anything from them just because they were always in my face, so I can see what you mean.

I feel like the relationship between BTS and army has changed (from an outsiders perspective). Its no longer about loving and supporting your group and being happy for them. Now, its "so-so wants this? We MUST do everything in our power and spam every possible thing ever so they get what they want". Its almost frightening. They also no longer care about the quality of the music being put out. Doesn't matter what it is, they stream the ever loving shit out of it and make it break records when, honestly, it doesn't deserve to (again imo).

Lastly, I didnt get mad or offended haha. I understand a lot of these viewpoints, and thank you so much for liking my work!! I do wonder what would happen if I made a true BBH centric fic and not just spin offs or continuations of previous works where oc ends up with BBH 🤔🤔 I think that fic would have too much power haha.

#unpopular kpop opinions #sehunsthetics

[roguestarsailor]

thoughts on blackpink: light up the sky netflix doc

- lisa in particular uses the highest loudest pitched baby voice ive ever heard which contrasts a lot to the voice she uses when she raps and even when she speaks english

- the amount of men (aka all grown ass men) in the room when these ladies who were literally teenagers watching them dance (suggestively) and critiquing them

- the fucken ABC grading system like what we do in school for all the trainees

- every single one was of them was like i love to dance/sing and/or play musical instruments as a kid but also like every kid sung and danced cuz thats just a past time that children like lol

- lisa’s grasps of languages is to die for. she speaks thai (native), korean and english pretty much fluently. she didnt even know korean in the beginning and had to learn it. her english has only a tiny accent but she truly can speak it. i wish i could do that!!!😭

- just that these girls who were like 14 ish when they had to leave their families and start a new life in a new country, learn dances/songs in the most intense way, and guided by money hungry strangers??? they spent their formative years being told what to eat, what to wear, how to channel their stage presence (sometimes really suggestively), made to perform for groups of men, compete against one another, and doing it for the HOPE of making it?? like hows that ok??? imagine the girls who didn’t make it?? like i hope they are all ok.

- their hairstyles as kids is so similar to the hairstyle i had when i was young haha but i think its just the limit of having textureless, straight, black hair. literally everyone swoosh their hair to the sideway part haha

- jisoo is so fucken mature and like handles everything w such grace. also they keep making her sound like shes so goddamn old when shes literally just 24 (like me!!!) she definitely doesn’t talk in a baby voice or like act super childish compared to the rest of the group tho and i decided i vibe w her the most. shes so calm and collected and takes everything seriously. a quiet intensity i think. love that for her.

- that teddy fella is really chill (and should help them produce more music!!!!!!!!)

- rosé is such a perfectionist and super relatable when she says she struggles w showing her work unless it was *absolutely* perfect. she literally hides everything until its right (although she still hasn’t released anything yet) and thats literally what i do haha i create fake accs/hidden folders of work i do because i am not ready for the feedback esp if its bad

- theyre all literally just in their early twenties i feel like they lived through so much :(

- the intensity that is performing at coachella. that was such a moment cuz american audiences are crazy and also super intense about their music and what they like. they were right that performing at coachella isnt like performing at their concerts-- coachella audience is a mixed bunch and dont have the same understanding as folks who love kpop and know the ~vibe~. im so glad we got to see the prep and the moment they got on stage. they killed it the first weekend but the second weekend was a bit less than best imo (i watched the livestream it cuz i was hella excited!!! i legit wanted to buy tickets haha but saw they were +$1k excluding food/travel/hotel 😭)

- they all live together!! their house is huge and cute af. some of my fav moments is cooking w my roommates back in college and seeing the ladies cook together and sharing meals is such a joy to watch 😌

- jennie speaking english to jisoo so jisoo can learn more organically

- jennie seems the most sad out of all of them. must have been tough growing up with only her mom in new zealand and then mostly by herself afterwards (with a host family) and then making the move to korea again and living away from home AGAIN. those things all happened to her as a child 😥

- jennie saying her fitness trainer is “one of the few friends that i have” oof

- my critique for yg is that they are treating them like marketing tools rather than musicians. they collab w so many luxury brands and do so many appearances/shows and are trying to break into the american music market which is fine but i wish that at its core its the music. maybe thats just kpop now and within kpop its the marketing element that is meant to sell and be sold and the music and dancing element is just that getaway drug. 

anyways, this was a good doc to watch and i enjoyed it. its nice seeing so much behind the scene and seeing them grow and evolve to what we know of them today. 

#amandathoughts #blackpink #light up the sky #netflix #blackpink light up the sky netflix #bp #blackpink documentary #blackpink netflix

[another-dra-anew]

jasper told me “you can always just make hcs for the beta au” and now my power has gone out of control, part 7/???

~*~ Beta Hashimuri

•syobai is more stressed than he's ever been. he loves nikei so much but what does he mean he spent 3 hours hiding from hitmen. what the fuck

•power couple??? oh my god?????

•rich people beware - nikei will expose u for alllll the shit you've pulled, and oh u need a drink to comfort u? syobais here, and hes also got a contract for u to sign... you are now broke and in disgrace. good job

•everyone is either jealous of them or they're lying to themselves

•in public they're like. sleek, powerful and confident. just got tons of money that they spent buying gifts for each other and donating to causes they care about

•the second they're back in the dorms? time to cuddle and watch cartoons while eating cereal for dinner

•nikei: oh remember that couple u made business with a few weeks back? ahaha turns out they were involved in a international drug ring and i just posted a article abt it, go check it out!

syobai: woah good job finding that out!!

nikei: yeah! i mean they tried to kill me, i think i almost got poisoned, but hey, i should be safe now!

syobai: ...i love you, but what the fuck?

•as always, beta syobai wants to take his partner swimming!! yay!

•where's nikei. where the fuck is nikei. did he drown?? hello???

•syobai starts panicking and is abt to dive down incase smthn happened but the next thing he knows, he's been pulled under water, by a happy nikei who swam down to see if he could scare syobai

•he did! but syobai definitely gets him back

•pool dates end up very common for them

•okay so nikeis favorite things is grabbing syobais hand/arm, he likes getting to hold smthn and it's just generally smthn physically close that let's them still do things

•syobai is always a big cuddler, but he just likes being able to nuzzle into nikei/vice versa. like if nikeis on his lap and he can just hide his face in nikeis neck? that's his shit right there

•they spend too much time recreating couples photos

•there's tons of cute, sweet things they recreate!

•but then there's also them recreating memes, feat. nikei staring lovingly at syobai from the floor, syobai lifting nikei up by pinning him against the wall, nikei straddling syobai and doing his makeup, etc etc

•syobai like. is going to some sort of fancy dinner party to try and get some new connections and he invites nikei and nikei is immediately so hyped

•first off, he gets a chance for tons of new stories! a insider view of a exclusive party!

•second, syobai is letting him work out their outfits for the event feat. nikei gets to mess with syobais hair

•and best (if u ask nikei)? he's hyped to be syobais trophy bf

•oh!!! nikei 🤝 syobai: hair stimming!! they are messing with their hair solidarity

•when the mentioned in yuukei hcs scenario of "nikei spends all his money on other people and ends up stranded miles from the school" inevitably happens, syobai shows up a short bit later and takes nikei out on a date before paying for a cab back

•!!! they get together bc they're both like. mom friends who are just trying to care for their classmates

•syobai actually genuinely takes a interest in nikeis health/safety and nikei almost cries bc now he feels bad abt always running on two hours of sleep

•nikei like. actually ends up going to bed at a decent time, he has work to do in the morning but everything is under control, and,,, he gets hit with a extreme wave of the mental health issues that we see in the actual gameplay

•so! of course, syobai stays with him, just to try and get him focused on smthn else so he exhausts himself - it doesn't work

•nikei starts to cry bc fuck it's getting late and syobai is probably upset with him

•cue their first cuddle session, and when nikei has stopped crying, their first kiss

•nikei ends up sleeping very well, with syobai following him shortly after

•no ones surprised!!! the vibes were there, it was just a matter of time

• once again - power couple???

• theyre there to support each others interests, comfort one another, and destroy rich people together

#sdra2 #syobai hashimoto #nikei yomiuri #hashimuri #headcanons #beta au #another dr another #please tumblr upload this all #update: it didnt! gonna commit acts of violence

[floralkittygambler]

Reposting for reasons

Response to Honest’s post here: Doing this to spread this awareness more as I know theres a bit of a rift in the critical community - plus I really fucking go on. Im PISSED and I do apologise however it NEEDS urgent addressing. I know people will hate me for it but Im used to hate and honestly? Hating rather than helping to solve the issue only furthers my fucking point here. So yeah this is so more people are aware (no offense to any of those involved in said rift either, but this is an important message. Thank you for understanding and if I can do anything to make all sides comfortable, then please message me and I’ll do my upmost.) “ More awareness of this is needed. Even if it’s your favourite, you can’t justify their shit but rally against another’s shit. Have people tell you you’re experiences arent real or invalid because, like Husk, people have - in real life - shipped you with someone you are far from comfortable with but you still treat them like a person. Because you have basic respect. And people force you to accept harassment, touching, stalking, advances for THEIR satisfaction. People use you for their fantasies. But you’re just a ‘tsundere’ for it. Or you have addiction issues but people think being with another addict will ‘save’ you because you’re apparently too incompetent to save yourself. Love isnt some magic fuckin cure so stop romanticising it as a fuckin saviour. It’s gross and fuckin creepy. Get stalked and have someone NEVER accept your no just because you show youre still decent enough to not treat them shitty or any different from anyone else. Try having someone way older or way younger (both in morally fucked up ways) advance on you and people encourage that. People you’re supposed to feel safe around.

People touch you when you pull away or show discomfort. Follow you home. Have pictures of you and wont accept you dont like them like that and it’s not ‘playing hard to get’ or ‘the thrill of the chase’. Fuck. OFF. In fact, Im not only disappointed in the fandom. Im disappointed in the entire team who some should know better from their OWN personal experiences - or at least the bare minimal of being a fucking adult. Im disappointed in especially females (sorry idk whether girl or woman is more appropriate here-) who statistically are more likely to have experienced something similar at some point in their lives think this is a cute gay moment. No. Angel is made out as a fucking predator - Im not saying he is, Im saying that his persistence is very fucking unwelcome like one. People like Husk dont need that fucking invasiveness. They/We need patience and someone on our level. Angel’s I know are the fuckin polar opposite - and some of them I know are very sexually harassing, including unwanted touching. It’s a shitty way to present gay people. Gays are fuckin people. Some are cunts and some arent. It’s a HUMAN thing. But considering the shit theyve been subjected to, presenting a gay as a victim only to also show them as a perpetrator is insulting! And for those Ive seen argue this about how people like AD wouldnt know how to express their love normally and whatnot? His pig. His best friend. He’s in his fucking 30s. There are literal real life criminals who get molested as kids and then go on to molest kids. Not all who grow up like that turn into nonces. Stop just fucking STOP justifying and romanticising this bullshit! I used to see the good in AD but now he makes me fucking sick. Especially with my verrrrrry fucking real traumas and connections. But fuck me, eh? Because this fictional guy matters so much more. Fuck real victims. And whilst we’re at it, fuck AD too when it suits your fetishes! Sarcasm aside, the fans and the team need to straighten up their abhorrent behaviour. Stolas. Fucking clearly having an affair, knowingly fucking up his daughter’s mental health and bribing a guy into sex who only wants the book and nothing more. He even has a fucking warning button over Stolas- Guys, how do you think any of this is cute? Even the team gross me out- I genuinely see potential and talent and it’s all gone to shit to satisfy horny teens, horny adults, and literally everyone who doesnt for the life of them understand being an adult is more than sex, drugs, violence and swears! I REALLY want to keep enjoying HB/HH but it’s getting harder and harder with such ignorant and bordering lazy creators (note: lazy as in wont do the fucking research or actually listen to real criticism and victims), such despicable fans (yeah, some HDers fuckin mocked that they triggered my ED, yet they had the fucking NERVE to support Angel’s potential ED AND laugh and blame me for me getting treated so badly for actually having the balls to call Angel and the teams hypocrisy. I got told to kill myself, that my problems arent real - oh but Angels apparently is! Which... They *are* but AD isnt real so technically only onlookers will suffer and not a drawing  - and they just excused their toxic behaviours. These people are like “aww poor angie babey!” yet fuckin INSULT sex workers. All this red in Hazbin yet it feels everyone and they mama colour blind. The issues are getting worse and fans are outright becoming EVIL, VILE, Vindictive little bullies - from kids to adults. You SHOULD be ashamed of yourself if you conduct yourself in such a manner. And you need to readjust your attitudes and behaviours because the only fuckers getting hurt are actual fucking victims. Ever been violated and been gaslit so much you STILL fucking question it’s reality? So you drown that shit out yet somehow it’s effects still hit you? Fetishise it. Make it your uwu gae couple goals, you’re no better than people believing Harley and the Joker werent toxic af. If this shit happened to you, most of you would actually SEE where we’re all coming from. Also, stop making gay a fetish - you’re like those creepy old men in the alley heckling lesbians to make out so they can wank off. Gays, no ALL the LGBT+ are fucking people too. So dont give me that bullshit then start turning everything just gay or just straight to mentally wank off to. It’s degrading and dehumanising. And yes, fiction does effect reality. You crush on a fictional character? Mourn one? Support one? Hell, fuckin jerk off to one - that’s affecting reality. Remember how in fiction all blacks were treated as villians? Look how theyre treated IRL. JAWS, great classic unfortunately their was a spike in shark killings over a fucking movie - the shark in the movie wasnt even real for the most part because they dont behave like that! (Also the animatronic was so shit they genuinely had so many issues - I think they even took to naming each one! Some fun trivia there!). Tiger sharks are more nasty than great whites as tiger sharks will hunt and eat a human. Great whites prefer seals and dislike human flesh, they just mistake us for seals. Hell, theres the toothless basking shark - theyre often SWAM WITH by divers for being so friendly. Yet Jaws made people think all sharks are bloodlusting over humans. Slenderman was created for a fucking contest and that influenced a stabbing (NOT Victor’s fault). Watch a horror movie that isnt based on a real life event and tell me that at least ONE has left you peaking over your shoulder. Stella may be a bitch - we dont know for certain - but try getting cheated on. Y’know what? Try growing up in such a broken home like Octavia. Yeah reaaaaaal fucking cute now, huh? Funny how as well y’all petition for male victims to be taken seriously then laugh when fictional males experience this abuse, further adding to stigma. You can be hit on by the hottest mf on the planet but if you arent interested, that should be respected! Also we’ve all been inspired by at least one fictional character so yeah. Yknow, since I was little Ive been fighting for sex worker and homeless rights. But HH/HB treatment of both leave a bitter taste in my mouth. I’ll still fully support sex workers and the homeless, but that’s the fucking effect this show is having. Bearing in mind I wont ever share everything Ive been through - and I shouldnt fucking have to in order to be believed and validated (obvs proof is required in a legal case but that’s a whole other topic). Why should I share MY fucking pain especially when you fuckers have belittled and triggered it more so? We have our rights to our secrets but fuck ME you lot NEED to start acting appropriately and like decent fucking humans. ‘iTs HeLl’ yeah and welcome to Earth- the team and yourselves live HERE. You obide by THESE rules. And as someone with beliefs (and a LOT of ancient fucking texts and studies on this shit) their Hell isnt even a proper Hell! It’s closer to purgatory and even then it’s not. Regardless, it’s a poorly built world with the lore consistently changing per episode and tweet, with many plot holes, and is apparently easy to get into - even via accidentally watching porn according to a stream. If youre gonna parade youre a fucking expert and research into demonology and use real believed figures, at least get THAT right. In fact, Lucifer and Lilith (and Stolas tbf) are ESPECIALLY risky as theyre a lot more complex than most easy access texts will tell you. Likewise, Stolas’s first introduction and main focus is sex. He’s one of the FEW Goetia demons that dont have some involvement in relationship issues at ALL. He’s known for astrology, crystals and herbs but hes also known to aid MONEY troubles (it’s lesser known but it’s true! HB Stolas is an insult to the Prince). Turning Vodou into something evil is vile considering it’s powerful and liberated slaves. Pentagrams are nothing to do with Satan, they’re magic based sigils. Upside down cross is the symbol of a SAINT. It’s just some edgy attempt to trick people into believing they know more than they do. Also you should NEVER dabble and doodle sigils without knowing the meanings or respecting what they behold. Vox and Val, real fuckin cute way to make them look like a stupid fucking highschool drama instead of a fucking SEX TRAFFICKER (note: real pimps often target YOUNG folks too - aka minors - and groom them into sex work. Theres different types of pimp. Viv has shown barely any understanding of ‘the game’ and its a fucking insult to injury. Yes we KNOW what a fucking pimp and prozzie are! We dont need to see it. We need REAL AWARENESS.) and a fucking scheming bastard of a CEO salesman botman. And yet even THEN lets go a step further and make some yandere wuv on boyfweind aboose! Fuck off- Now I love a good anime but these tropes are getting fucking dangerous now. And unrealistic to real love and relationships. Kids nowadays know fuck all on a healthy relationship (neither did the fuckin 50s tbf) and Im seeing more romaticism and glorifying abusive situations. Like the show ‘You’. Ok, there’s a fuckin bloke online who slaughtered innocents and kidnapped yet people commented how cute he is on his IG and that they want to be kidnapped or killed by him next. Dont believe me? Look up Peter Manfredonia Connecticut and the comments people left him and then tell me why shit like whats being presented in HH/HB ISNT fucking concerning - because it is. For a series about redemption, it’s brilliant at the opposite (Quote from the creator herself, Viv has posted that it’s influencing her bad choices. Even as a joke, proof’s in the pudding). And the overall focus on sex in the way Viv does is so immature and really creepy, and this is from an ADULTS perspective. From one adult to another, Im concerned as to why any of them think this is a normal fixation. Then again they’ve hired quite a large amount of dodgy folks and even a child. Most of this shit gets avoided with a basic background check like most companies run. I DO like Hazbin. Or the premise. I love some of the cast and spite the others. In Helluva, I just like a tiny portion of the cast. And I critique it so harshly because Viv DOES need a wakeup slap, grounding to reality, people who arent going to big her up or kiss her arse for once and shape her up to be the best she can be. The actually reach and even surpass her potential. And to reach where you need to be, there’s a lot of harsh lessons youll face. That’s life. Shes chosen one of the most HEARTLESS industries and if she blocks out critique as ‘hate’ then she’s not strong enough and wont last. It’s just another unprepped YanDev again (except I dont believe Viv to be a nonce. Even with her dodgy past and dodgy present, I think her perspective on sex and relationship with sexuality is FAR from healthy BUT I dont believe she’s a pedophile. Ive bled my fair share and so far, I just think her sex perspective isnt healthy or mature for her age. But there’s little to nothing to suggest actual noncery - dont worry about accusations there. But YanDev is totally a dirty predator. Just clearing that up). Viv NEEDS some harshness and stability if she wants to do things right. And it’ll make her fucking cry but if she loves these projects as much as she claims to, then you’ll sacrifice blood, sweat and tears for that shit. Even the strongest points are mediocre at best when properly observed. She CAN do more, but she’ll have to face the harsh music. Viv wont see this, but if she does, I dont care if it upsets her. Why? Because this is that much of an issue - something she’s cultivated - that she needs to take action and not ignore it or be secretive about it. She needs to grow up and get tougher skin. Im not saying this to cause her pain. In fact, I wouldnt waste my fucking limited time if I DIDNT care. Trust me, I have duties to be met at a certain quota every single day. I say this shit only because I give a shit and care. If we met, she’d fucking hate me. But people like me are good for shaping people up to their potential. And we arent always this ‘tough love’ either. But when someone needs that level of harshness to help themselves, we’re not afraid to lose people or cause upset if the results end up being the best for them. If she ever saw this, she needs to re fucking evaluate her message, her story, and those she’s choosing to welcome into her circle. And all Im seeing is one rookie mistake after the other. Her paid patreon discord. Just like the messages Honest has posted on her side of being harassed (not in Vivs fyi), Ive experienced shit and bullying and even stay silent on their for being attacked for a group I fuckin paid to be in and yet I feel isolated. It’s all arsekissing and ‘thank you viv’ (thats an actual channel-) and it feels like a place of borderline worship and people trying to appease her 24/7 whilst kicking others with different opinions down. There’s so many I love but I aint kissin yer fuckin arse. Ask the closest friend I have - we’re fucking raw and wont just side with each other just because. We’ll call each other out if we think they’ve fucked up and then help each other build themselves up better. Because real fuckin people who actually care wont just want to be adored by you. They’ll care enough to point out your bullshit and help you, even if they upset you at the time. They’re real and upfront with you. People like us arent always the easiest to be close to either because we arent afraid of upsetting someone if it’s in their best interest and to help them. Likewise, we dont go out looking for fights either. Most times, we’re fuckin soft bastards- All this shit listed is the fuckin surface level of the real life hell of this fandom. And unsurprisingly, those who experience little to no toxicity have always been higher on that popularity ‘food chain’ - enough admirers and shared opinions that people wanna arse kiss regardless of their OWN feelings as well as neutral perspectives. I’d say you’re the lucky fans, but you’re not. You’re sheltered, and that isnt always the best way to be sadly. As for the fans. If Ive upset you. Well... I dont care. Because many of you have actively sought me out and weaponised my traumas against me. You never cared about my feelings then. Why should I care about yours? Im not doing this out of malice. Im fed up of humans behaving so pathetically yet claiming to be high and mighty. Most of you have been arseholes to those in and out of the community. The victims and non-victims alike. Hardly any of you considered once my real suffering. You put a drawing over a life. Many lives. You had the audacity to tell me Im full of shit. Some even using my real traumas to make a mockery of me and those Im around with a very similar history. Some with traumatic histories that differ from my own. You hardly ever considered the real lives of those effected. So no, Im not sorry for having the fucking balls to this day to still stand up for our rights and give us a voice that’s long been stolen. Im not sorry for being a fucking victim. Im not sorry for saying what desperately NEEDS voicing. And Im not sorry for not conforming to you or any fandom just to belong. We deserve better than to constantly be your fuckin arse monkeys (well... the trope is butt monkey but yknow-) and to be mistreated, misrepresented and harmed by you. You’re no different to the school bullies who give speeches on anti-bullying day. And I hope every single one of you starts looking into yourselves and improving. PS: Depending on the texts you read, Lucifer is said to have been redeemed or to be redeemed. Fun fact to haunt yalls with~ “

#warning long #long post #hazbin critical #very long rant #important #hear victims voices #just sick of how awful people can treat one another and believe this is acceptable #everyone is accountable #toxic fanbase #Toxic shippers #toxic ships #im literally too fucking old for this #forgive the anger but after years and years it gets so cumbersome and tiring #im happy to be the pariah if it means victims actually get heard and helped

[seijch]

angst 8, 19, 25!!

make me work on my wips!!

ok i decided to use the New List for this ask (and i hope i remember to make a new wip game post?? if not then it is what it is LMAO)

8. defeatist, a tsukishima pokemon au + angst

i do NOT have a plot in mind for this one ... its only on the list bc his team and the title of this fic came super easy MNFSDFS

in this scene tho, the readers pokemon are addicted to a drug called X that acts as steroids but for pokemon? theyre based off of real items ingame known as battle items or “x items”,, a fic from the original kpop ver of this series dealt with them and once i started writing i realized i could loop that back into this scene but??? 

he should have known.

scratch that--he did know, does know, but chose not to act.

when he sees you outside the arena, eyes red and puffy, he knows what he should do. “kei.” your voice comes out tiny. broken. strange, he thinks, to see someone so bright begin to flicker out. “my aerodactyl…” there are three pokeballs in your hands where there were once four. aerodactyl fetch a heavy price in the black market. he wonders if the price of selling your pokemon managed to even do a dent in your debt.

(an aerodactyl addicted to X is not an aerodactyl worth the premium cost. it is what it is, he resolves, forcing the thoughts away. he knows that suspended within the other three pokeballs are three more damn near helpless causes. the most helpless of all is right in front of him, after all.)

“do you need money?” he asks.

“yes.” the light returns to your eyes, even if only by a bit. 

seeing that pleasant warmth, almost like sunshine, is enough to make him stay. how pathetic is he, the ocean waiting to catch icarus before the fall?

“this is the last time,” he warns.

“i know.”

he knows what the right choice is. but he chooses to choose wrong.

19. thirty days has september, a kuroo demon au + angst

they always warn about the dangers of drinking, but none of those warnings ever seem to include the possibility of summoning a demon after three shots too many.

it was rlly hard to write angst for this tbh its more of a fluff/humor (???) kinda fic in my head

there are a few Angsty Ideas going on in this one but i feel like none of them get fully explored but then again .. its 200ish words

“so this is it.” you hate to say it, but you’ve been dreading the thirtieth day of september. you’d blown it off at first, saying that it marked winter drawing ever closer. you rationalized it, saying that you were sick and tired of halloween being marketed outside of october.

but standing before kuroo now, you know that there’s only one reason you want time to stop. “yeah. you gonna miss me?”

“in your dreams,” you lie.

“you mean my nightmares,” he grins, the tip of his fangs poking his lip. “believe it or not, i’ll miss this place. you always did stock the best flavors of chips.” he holds his palm to his chest, giving you a nod you’re sure would be earnest coming from anyone else.

“well then…” he bows low, “i’ll be off. see you around.” he disappears in a flash of flame, the scent of smoke clinging to your skin. no sentimentality. no tearful goodbye.

you wonder if you were alone in this relationship for two all along, that you had made everything up because he had been a convenient target.

you don’t sleep well that night.

(“what’re you still doing awake?” he’d ask, the tv playing paid programming in the background. “go to bed.”)

or the night after.

(“this wouldn’t have happened if you’d listened to me,” he snipes across the kitchen island, a mug of tea in hand.)

or the night after that.

25. untitled tsukishima friends to lovers au + angst

the story of this is based off a song called confession rehearsal!! heres the original version + an english cover bc the og ver doesnt have eng subs

another one thats hard to write angst for... tbh when i started i had no clue i was just Writing And Hoping

loves me, you think, ripping the petal from the flower. it drifts to the ground.

“you really think a game is gonna help you?” tsukishima asks from beside you. loves me not.

“not like it’ll hurt, right?” loves me.

“you can count out what the result’s gonna be by looking at the petals.” loves me not. “you’ve got…” he mutters under his breath, index finger grazing each petal. “three left.” loves me. “two left” he amends. “you can tell what you’re gonna get, so why bother?”

“because,” you huff, pouting. loves me not. “not everyone goes into life thinking about things like that.”

“maybe they should.” he plucks the last petal. loves me. “there. your mystery man loves you. case closed.”

“can you relax?” you rise from the bench, turning on him. “i know it might not look serious, but i really, really want this to work out. so if you could stop being such an asshole for one second, i’d really appreciate that!”

he rises to his full height, and you lose the leverage you once had against him. “you were the one who came to me with your unreasonable requests. i know thinking doesn’t come easily to you, but i suggest broadening your horizons. maybe if you stop being so short-sighted, i’ll stop being an ‘asshole.’” he busts out the air quotes, a sneer on his face.

“fine. i’m done practicing. thanks for the help.” you let go of the stem, allowing it to join the petals. your bookbag is heavy as you shoulder it on, but not as heavy as your heart is as you walk away from tsukishima.

#i transitioned out of my high fantasy brainrot to write angst #i think thats a job done Decent in my opinion #i thought the confession rehearsal one was gonna be the least angsty but i think its actually the kuroo one #thank you for always coming thru w the asks legend 🤝🏻🤝🏻 #🖋 wip game #💌 love letters #raenah 🧸 #raevaioli

[tubb0]

stream liveblog: tommyinnit 8/22

I woke up literally a minute before he started so thats cool

he’s in a mood

he says he’s going to spend more time editing his videos (and upload less)

he also says his plan is two smp videos and then ‘something cool. something you might recognize’ 👀

oh so someone is building a tesck to compete with walmart. good.

theres a nether protal in tommys tower. he is not pleased

I just woke up idk whos been doing stuff but they’ve been quite busy

tommy is upset that tubbo was streaming with someone who ‘stole his brand’ (wearing a red t-shirt)

chat says his name is also tom

now hes in call with tubbo, yelling

‘you’re not just gonna go speak to this guy with more red in his shirt than me’

oh he hung up on tubbo

shippers will have a fierld day with this one (I desperately hope they don’t exist since these are children but yknow I’m sure they do)

you can see the corner of tommys bed when he fullscreens his facecam. he doesn’t have sheets or a mattress cover on his bed. do what you will with this (unless its weird then please dont)

tubbo_ has joined the game

tommy says he will ghost tubbo

also hey its fine to have a crush on tommy if you’re around his age but you dont have be weird and pushy about it

tubbo is doing the sad walk and tommy shot him

tommy: best friendship ended with tubbo. jack manifold is my new best friend

tubbo_ has left the game

chat is babying tubbo again :/

tubbo_ has joined the game

<tubbo_> sorry

tubbo_ has left the game

‘I always knew this day would come. thats why I was always mean to tubbo. I knew he would rob me.’

tubbo_ has joined the game

he left again... his spaghetti is ready

tommy is thinking of ways to but tubbo to work in order for them to earn back his friendship

wait did ponk steak tommys horse? I thought bbh did

anyways retrieve horsechamp

chat says niki lost ylyl because of tommy

wilbur was not pleased that she finds him funny (joking of course)

anyway niki is so pretty

it has just clicked for tommy that the horse is in fact his horse

oh hes on the run

tubbo has returned from eating his poggers spaghetti

tommy is stuck in a hole

tubbo: you know the pope? anyway heres my bee box!

tubbo keeps talking about the pope

tubbo has decided he doesn’t need tommys friendship and left the game

tommy says hes ‘like dream. his only friends are the numbers.’

he called tubbo and theyre both yelling now

tubbo claims to want more mature friends than tommy

tommy is accusing tubbo of being on drugs

the pope returns

‘this is like a divorce’ ‘yeah except I dont care’

they spent a second questioning catholicism

tubbo please why do you keep talking about the pope

tubbo brought up death and tommy shut that down real quick

tubbo out here with definitions

dream has joined the game

dream is only kind to tubbo and yet wont follow them back on twt

there something so endearing about hearing someone moving further from the mic when they laugh

chat is talking about the vlog gun so tommys watching wilburs stream

tommy: *upset about wilbur trying to break the vlog gun* tubbo: does this mean we can be together for mmc??

tommy hit tubbo of his balcony and now tubbo is regretting coming back online

tommy just murdered dream by hitting him with a minecart

ah fuck chat lost it and my streams starting to lag

skeppy is threatening to burn the doscs to avenge dreams death

tommy to tubbo: our friendship really hold this server together

did he lie?? absolutely not

deals are being made

well not really. tommy is trying to get a disc in exchange for dreams stuff

some pvp may occur

stream title has been changed to ‘war’ things are getting serious

tubbos wifi is failing us

oh the boys are fighting

a few thing happened in so little time but to summarize the way that tommy and tubbo trust eachother and silently cooperate is very cool. I aspire for this friendship.

for some reason its always so weird to me when I hear just dream talking to tommy and tubbo

I think its because drram is so stubborn and assertive but tommy does not care or put up with it so no matter what dream always seems to have the lowerhand which doesn’t happen often

I’m confused why is chat making such a big deal about wilbur ending his stream

ah a confrence with president soot

the other day everyone was afraid the server was dying but this seems like the start of another war

wilbursoot has joined the game

do you ever get so caught up in the drama of these stream and then it hits you that these are just a bunch of losers playing minecraft

wilbur... to be fair tommy didnt mean to kill dream... he warned him too

oh?

wilbur whispered to tommy to run while he was negotiating with dream and I think he told tubbo to kill dream but tubbo might also just be doing that for fun idk

dreams bringing up server rules... do it. ban tommy. your server will die immediately.

wilbur has scolded tommy and now tommy is ignoring him to plot with tubbo

sapnap!

I like the dynamic between tommy, tubbo and sapnap very much

sapnap has joined the game

oh my god I have to pee

lmao dream said tommy scams him often and tommy went 😬

‘everyone will call you bream for bitch dream’

tommy gave him his stuff

oh but some was never picked up

yikes dream is actually mad

damn tommy and skeppy are really going at it

chat says skeppy had the sword that dreams mad about uh oh

hehe tommy is very funny

tubbo is bargaining for tommy since dream killed him and is threatening his cow

if chat is right and skeppy actually has the sword hes pretty good at kying because I believe him but also I don’t know him well so

tommy is telling tubbo to kill skeppy now

aw skeppys stream sniping thats no fun

but anyway was that not the sword dream was looking for that tommy just showed in the chest????

so is sapnap on their side now? I think I missed something

no chat seems just as confused as me so

sapnap about betraying dream: it just seemed interesting idk

I think hes lying

chat has a point... I cant tell if tommy doesn’t realize or doesnt care that dream is watching his stream

wait that was cool

dream pearled away from sapnap but tommy saw the pearl and waited there so he could attack

ok but anyway while theyre chasing eachother around how did the minecart kill dream?? I’m pretty sure it does no damage and if I’m wrong dream was still in enchanted netherite and I doubt he was running around on like half a heart... unless he just did a /kill on himself for the drama??

tubbo broke all the ender chests and put them inside one... hes so smart

oh ok so tommy doesn’t care if dream is watching

fuck a bug flew in my eye

ponk and skeppy just reading the deaths in chat and making small comments lol

tubbo what

sapnap please

I’m very glad dream isnt in vc anymore because I bet he’s very upset and he gets scary sometimes

dont get me wrong I love him but yknow

oh no sapnap dont :(

tommy is getting so nervous about tubbos wifi going out because then itll be him against everyone else online lmao

tubbo: our relationship cannot be toxic because I am not in love with you :))

no tubbo not the pope again

tubbo please my head hurts

woah tubbo just killed tubbo while dream started killing him

oh he logged out and now dream is killing tommy

at this point dream is purposely not communicating with tommy and I’m getting nervous

oh hes back

go tubbo go

yknow what a man can do with 55 sticks?

tubbo accidentally locked himself in jail lmao

tommy is calling dream clay

he does not care

dream logged out (unrelated to above statements)

woah wait what tubbo is leading tommy somewhere secret that he cant even show on stream

tubbo you genius what do you have planned

tommy is playing his vlog to entertain stream while tubbo directs him to the secret

wtf tubbo

also they said sounds have to be off so I think the location might be in the nether or something because sounds will apparently give it away

dying is the only way they can leave??? but it cant be the end though right?

cuz like the achievements would show up

hmm

I don’t want to be too much of a snitch in case any of them actually are lurking on here but anyways tubbo is very epic

both tubbo and tommys mothers are teachers?

but they have a point dont skip your classes to watch someone play minecraft!

tubbo is such a good friend

they also say their in a tournament on the 31st so look forward to it

tommy is really throwing shade at shippers this stream. good for him.

oh and lowkey dnf shade too haha

ha tubbo almost leaked one of tommys video ideas

tubbo just wants to play fall guys

tommy is too self aware

but also he has a point. chat always sides with tubbo because they baby him

its kinda weird ngl

ahh my wifis going out :(

they’re watching the sunrise on tommys balcony while listening to blocks

oop tommy ended the stream because chat was being weird

gg tommy

anyway good stream go check it out if you havent already because I left some stuff out either because I type too slow or didn’t want to leak secrets :))

#stream highlights #tommyinnit #stream liveblog #dream smp #tubbo #dream #sapnap #skeppy #ponk #uhh that should be everyone who was online #oh #wilbur soot #mcyt #cw swearing

[ncvaleereign-ar]

hi you beautiful people so ive been lacking muse for this beautiful human that is nova reign that i basically revamped her, gave her a new secret and changed her whole background. i basically wanted to start fresh with her and just try to do something new but also add in a sort of old muse ive had and combine her with my pop princess. so below is a new and improved nova. if you’d like to plot heart this and i’ll come message you <3

new york’s very own nova reign was spotted on broadway street in stuart weitzman heeled boots. your resemblance to perrie edwards is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty fifth birthday bash . while living in nyc ,  you’ve been labeled as being hot headed , but also tender hearted. i guess being a cancer explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be pastels, diamonds, sunflowers  .  &  ( cisfemale & she/her  )  +  ( anna , 25 , she/her , est . )

trigger warnings include: drugs & death

༄ ʙᴀsɪᴄs

ɴᴀᴍᴇ → Nova Lee Reign

ᴀɢᴇ → 25

ʜᴏᴍᴇᴛᴏᴡɴ → New York City

ᴏᴄᴄᴜᴘᴀᴛɪᴏɴ →  Musician

sᴇxᴜᴀʟɪᴛʏᴏʀɪᴇɴᴛᴀᴛɪᴏɴ → bisexual

ʀᴇʟᴀᴛɪᴏɴsʜIᴘ sᴛᴀᴛᴜs → single

 ༄ ᴘʜʏsɪǫᴜᴇ

ғᴀᴄᴇᴄʟᴀɪᴍ → perrie edwards

ʜᴇɪɢʜᴛ → 5ft 3in

ʜᴀɪʀ → blond

eᴇʏᴇs → bright blue

sᴄᴀʀs → a scar on her stomach from getting a surgery removing her gallbladder, one across her forearm from not listening as a child and not paying attention to where things were causing her to accidentally gash her arm

 ༄ ᴘᴇʀsᴏɴᴀʟɪᴛʏ

ᴛʀᴀɪᴛs → + very warm welcoming, caring, will legit put your needs in front of her own, - hurt her or her friends vile, manipulative at times, can be snarky

ғᴇᴀʀs → being alone and spiders

 ༄ ʙᴀᴄᴋɢʀᴏᴜɴᴅ

*nova lee reign never wanted the life she was give but being born into a family of one of the most fearful and powerful businessmen/women in new york she had no choice but to follow in her family’s lifestyle. From a young age she had dreams, dreams that didn’t involve business deals, business meeting or being a feared person. 

*nova always wanted to go into music, whether it be starting a record company or sign a record deal one day, make a name that wasn’t her family’s but had to keep that a secret from her family but only made it her misson to make her dream a reality once she learned what her parents actually did soon making her actually having to live a double life because she told them her dreams and they laughed

* her parents say they own a company by the name Reign Enterprise but in reality that company is just a front of what really is going on behind closed doors. Reign Entireprise is just a codename for her family to hide behind the fact that they are a powerful mob family that instead of selling stock, they sell drugs and when they don’t get their way, they kill anyone that gets in their way.

*nova does everything she can to come out on top whether it be overworking herself or using her family ties to try to take down whatever competition which was how she got to be apart of her band. she hates using the name she was given but once she found out it worked out in her favor she went with the flow. well until she met a boy.

*when nova met alex she felt on top of the world. she didn’t follow her parents rules, she felt reckless and happy. she was in love. when she was with the male she forgot who she really was and that wasn’t okay with her family. which is where her secret comes in. two years into their relationship the two were just about to engaged, when her parents found out that nova was going to leave her family’s lifestyle they ordered a hit on her boyfriend and just before he got down on one knee the male was shot and killed by the hand of nova’s father and nova was the one to cover up the death.

 she keeps a double lifestyle, working for what she what she loves doing and trying to reach her goal but also trying to show her parents the fact that she could one day take over for them. personality wise, she’s a bit sassy will try to get you to cause trouble with her but that’s because she’s always looking for a good time. she’s also generally really sweet but that’s because she uses that as an advantage to get people to join in on all her plans and fun.she’s really loyal to her friends but to her enemies she’s a snake, she will do anything to ruin their life try to find their deepest secret and expose them only because that’s the kind of person she is.

 ༄ PLOTS 

 Everything that is right here! is very wanted!!!

roommate plots- please give this girl a normal life and give her some roommates who don’t know about her family and just loves her for her and dont think anything other than she’s a actual nice person (0/2)

ride or die/squad – all the types of best friends, male best friends, ride or die best friend a partner in crime this girl needs all the friends that she hides who she really is from of course but she still gets along with these people and maybe theyre the first person she calls when she needs to talk or get away (0/2)

childhood best friend- grew up together, always stuck together, and saw each other through the good and bad times. knows every secret and is that person she calls when she knows she’s going to have a mental breakdown (0/2)

guy best friend - plain and simple. her male bff that she goes to all the time to cheer her up, be her hype man and just talk about any and all things (0/1)

music friends - give this girl all the music friends pleaseeee (0/??)

Stay- “Tell me that it’s all okay I’ve been waitin’ on this all damn day call me in the mornin’, tell me how last night went I’m here, but don’t count on me to stay” || basically a very toxic relationship its a complete back and forth between the two. they either are together or they’re not until nova can’t take it anymore. yes she’ll still come when they call at three a.m. drunk off their ass but she won’t stay. she’ll help take care of them but that’s all. (0/1) 

Motivate- “When he moves in, I cave in want him to dive in my ocean we take off our labels on the coffee table 2AM and we just begun” || a relationship that purely works on sexual attraction, but also one of nova’s biggest motivators in life. it’s either really toxic or pretty serious. this person would be the biggest influence for her writing her song ‘motivate’ (0/1)

Happier- “And the image of you being with someone else well, it’s eating me up inside but we ran our course, we pretended we’re okay now if we jump together at least we can swim far away from the wreck we made” || basically this is a relationship (romantic or friendship wise im sure we can make it work) where no one wants them together. her friends tell her they’re a bad duo and their friends tell them they’re a bad duo. nova makes the decision to just be friendly during group appearances but knows they’ll never work out because the world is against them but she wants the other to be happier in life. (0/2)

Bad At Love- “I’m bad at love but you can’t blame me for tryin’ you know I’d be lyin’ sayin’ you were the one that could finally fix me lookin’ at my history” || nova doesn’t believe in love, she had it and it went away and then she tried again but she was never good at it because she makes herself believe that she doesn’t deserve love. this is basically a past relationship where she left, she ran when things got good because she was scared so she left without a word and now she’s running into them again and everything hits her at once. its a pretty angsty plot. (0/1)

Sweet but Psycho- “You’re just like me, you’re out your mind I know it’s strange, we’re both the crazy kind you’re tellin’ me that I’m insane boy, don’t pretend that you don’t love the pain” || this is like a ride or die plot, basically they’re like two pea’s in a pod. they get in trouble together, they have fun together, they might experiment things together but in the end they’re like the same person. nothing sexual comes from this. (0/2)

#wealthyhq:intro #tw death #tw drugs #tw gun mention

[strawberryspeachy]

So when i watched death note in high school it made me curious about real japanese police work. I read about it alot and came to the conclusion that their justice system isnt too great.

Im currently upset that a coworker who i took as a friend - not only disliked me all along - but went as far as to lie about me to get me in trouble. That no one cared to hear my side. That i was fired on the spot. That people turned their back on me immediately. That no one cares.

Well. 17 year old me would have said. But of course. In Japan your guilty until proven innocent. That japanese put on a show but dont truely like most people. That they band together and will go out of their way to avoid any kind of conflict. That they care more about a pretty appearance than solving anything. 17 year old me that only heard and read about Japan knew these things. 17 year old me imagined this cool different country that works because theyre proud of this... performance way that they live. And i was amused by it. All i knew was america and european history. I was so hungry for something different. I was so interested in different people.

Then I went to Japan. I got here and it was too similar to manga. How silly, i thought, those a comics - i didnt actually expect the country to be like those comics. And ive never really been able to place what that made me feel but id grown past this bemusement of different “alien like” people. Theyre just people who live in another country i thought. I dont like america and our norms. I know nothing but america but i dont agree with any of our steriotypes. You cant describe me the way most would try to describe a typical american. So why would people from any other country be different. Im sure theres people like the sterotype - but certainly more not at all like that.

And i got here and i watched the smiles on service workers slowly fade when they thought no one was watching. I watched children put trash where it didnt belong thinking no one was watching. I was girls laugh loudly and run around and yell at their boyfriends. I watched drunk college kids hollar and reak havoc in the city. Not robot people, not obedient children, not, quiet and demure girls listening to the men, not studious students worried about their reputation. Just people. The same people i saw back home.

And so i thought. Its the same. Different history. Varrying values. Same old people - judgmental and watching everyone ready to scold them if they deem it necessary.

But that guilty until prooven innocent thing. The fact that the old way of caring about your reputation is still a solid work practice.

These things. Make me feel like... i guess.... to my dissapointment. Maybe america really is more free...

I dont want that to be true. The us is so full of itself. Just like healthcare. I want universal health care to be a good thing and at very least in japan its not really. Its better. Its more affordable. Maybe their problem is just how much they hate drugs and thats what stops real care.

But. Ive always been a cautious person - i just dont want to get in trouble. But ive never thought id be in a situation i couldnt talk my way out of - because i dont do anything super bad. Maybe sometimes ive pressed the limits - but never outside of... like i drank underage. I tried to get into bars i wasnt old enough for. Ive dodged paying for the train fare. Dumb things. Things that the worse that would happen is i gotta pay it somehow or id get scolded. Drinking under age is against us law but its almost never taken too seriously.

But its occurred to me. Yeah. In japan it is guilty until prooven innocent. I really could have gotten in legal trouble for baseless allegations.

And japan is as racist and people say. Theyre friendly and try to talk to you in english and say nice things. And it doesnt seem like racism to a person from the states. Out racist look at you with digust. They wont touch you. They wont talk to you. They dont want to know about you

But here... it takes the form of a racist parent who grew up in the 50s and knows that theyre not supposed to be racist but still is.

Theyre welcoming and friendly to your face but talk shit behind your back. They ask a bunch of questions like (in america “where are you really from”) they refuse to accept you might actually belong. They constantly want to assert how different you are so instesd of telling you that your different - they ask questions or explain what theyre doing. And if you say ‘yes we also do this’ they react with disbeleif - what? No! You couldnt possibly get this - this is our thing and you are not us! And they constantly ask if you miss your home. Assume that you’re uncomfortable because they are. Also also. Instred of not wanting to touch you here - theyre much more willing to push you out of the way

Theres many mixed race kids here now though. I assume theyll have to do the same thing that happened in America. I havent met any mixed race adults but ive met plenty of white dads.... all trying super hard to assimilate to the point that they walk around talking like robots. Swearing that everything japan is great and they dont miss their home cointries at all. Pretty similar to the immigrants of america from when my mom was a kid.

So i still think at least for japan. Theyre way more similar to the west than they think they are. But these restricting regulations that they live by... really does make the country seem not as free as id ignorantly beleived it was.

It surprised me because their rules are so much like the way my great grandmother talked about stuff. And while were supposed to care... we just dont in the states. Respect your employer? Sure we say we do to their face but talk shit with coworkers. Worry about your reputation? Eh think im a bitch i dont give a fuck whatcha gonna do about it? Nothing thats right. Dont like another person? No one cares. Like that person or dont - it doesnt change anyone elses relationship with them. Make a mistake? Well if your boss fires you - everyone already probably thinks their an asshole cause generally mistakes are just met with some form of dickwaving belittlement. Pretty sure most of us get mad everytime we hear a story about someone getting fired because they posted a picture of them in a bikiki or having fun - most of this generation agrees thats dumb and has to change.

I feel more like an american now than ever. Americans are reluctant to change im told. Yes. I suppose we are. We might not know the rest of the worlds history but we kinda know our own. And as much as ive alwags agreed with the sentiment that cultures are different and thats just the way they want to be.... we used to be these ways but decided it was restrictive and controlling and mentally abusive and fought it...

Ive been reading more about the work culture in japan to figure out how he fuck this went so wrong. Apparently when young japanese people enter the work force, they cant even have friends as distractions outside of work because their boss will move them away from home.

Ive already read that japanese think suffering is good and seniority and witness first hand their preoccupation of appearing busy over actually being productive. Its just this constant performance.

Perhaps i did stress him out to the point of physical pain. I remember having a massive meltdown where i shook and it felt like my brain was melting after i tried so hard to be a good nice person. I did whag people apparently like. I changed myself to just agree with people and be positive and assume the best in everyone. Then my “friend” told me that i was a bad friend because i asked them if they would people drive their friends home so i could to sleep at 4am. And the two things just didnt click. I didnt go to sleep that night. I sat at my desk shaking for the next 5 hours and having flashbacks.

Im talkative. I talk as much as i do here in real life. And i have alot of questions. I talked to him a lot. Made him look not busy. I know he liked talking to me. I know he did. Thats why i got confortable talking more. He was always surprised when i asked him questions about himself but once he started answering he kept talking. Yeah. Its nice to have someone ask you what your thoughts are on topics. What your experiences have been. Did you like those things or not. I know japan it a group think culture - i guess they get there by really draining out ANY idea of individualality. He told me hed never been asked what he likes about himself. In the us were asked that constantly from elementary school “what do you like about yourself. What do you like about your friend. What makes you different?”

It kinda baffles me... questions and thoughts like these are so common in anime.... and obviously anime is popular in japan. Obviously obviously. Im confused how theyre watching these programs often with such deep meanings.... and not taking anything away from them. In the states our tv programs are always being restricted and stuff because they might give us “bad ideas” but they aren’t restricted here and yet... it seems no one takes anything from them

When i visited japan in 2013 i saw a teenage girl in huge heels lose her balance and stomp on a middle aged womans foot. That woman had already been standing like her feet were in pain and she made a face of being in so much pain. The girl rudely didn’t apologize and the older woman said nothing. She smiled through her pain...

And i also complained to my coworker. Not full on complaining. The small ones you make at work when youre not sure of the extent you can go to. At first he held off like the other teachers. But. Then. He started complaining back. It got to me not needing to be the one say an annoyance first. Like i asked how his meeting was. Other people i worked with might leave it ah it was a bit slow but necessary. And he started that way. But instead he started responding to me a succession of statements the slowly crept more toward his real feelings. ‘It was good... we didnt do much... or anything, i just sat and listened and took notes. we dont learn anything, it takes up a lot of time but we have to go. I dont like those meetings. I dont know their pupose... but were told to go so we must’

Whatever. Im just gonna keep rambling and complaining about this cause it sucks and is awful. Contracted woth my company i wasnt allowed to publically critisize japan. I imagine thats why you dont often find many things on the internet complaining. You will literally be unemployable if your name is attached to critisisms of this country.

Where as everyone can come to the states and tell us to our faces how much we suck and how much cooler their countries are. And generally the younger general is just kinda like - ‘you right’ people write articles all the time shit talking the states and we just go ‘ya we deserve that’ we do. Im not saying dont do that... but like... maybe just maybe. Were doing the good thing where were like

Haha call us fat! We are fat. We love us some mcdonalds. Hm.... why though. Actually we need to fix that. Why are people eating so unhealthy? What is the underlying cause of this problem? Lets try to work on that - and then we fight amoungst ourselves.

I like that... i like thay thing we do

In the states you might not want to become a ‘whistleblower’ and in some industrys you might get black listed for something dumb. But at least we talk about it and agree its a problem. In japan no one wants to even admit they have problems.

Know what else i told him. I talked about how were overworked in the states. That our work culture has gotten too similar to japans and we hate it. No one working 80 hour weeks thinks that they should have to do that. Of course i didnt go about it that way. I told him that my friends back home work 80 hour weeks and its unhealthy. That i cant work that much and refuse to. He i imagine counted how many hours he works and laughed and i said - oh haha yea i guess you also work that much. And he looked so much like he wanted to cry about it in the same way my friends back home. But said its natural in japan and that hes gotten used to it. But he definitely didnt mean it as he said it. I told him my friends say that as well. That i think theyre workaholics and i personally cant do it. That when work calls them they always pick up the phone even when they dont want to. But i dont do that. When my job called me as a server id ignore it and call them back later when it was too late for me to be asked to come in and ask them what they wanted.

Maybe to him my stories felt like when i read about students in europe being allowed to not go to school without reprucussions. It made HAVING to go to school evem more annoying. Why cant we choose to take breaks? I heard that place doesnt have homework - meanwhile im given at least 6 hours work a night! Not everyone has to do this? Other places learn things for fun?? They dont have to keep up with standardized exams that dont account for different teachers and school districts?? A 50% in that country isnt a failing grade???

Those were already shitty things but to read about them not bein universal did make having to endure it more upsetting.

Doesnt change that im stoll upset with him for not saying anything to me. Doesnt change that im mad that he made stuff up.

Really me rambling on about this doesnt change my presepective on any of it. Im just bitching

[serraphima]

All the abc OC questions for Erin!

aaaaaaaaaaaaa ty mara, imma put it under a read more so there isnt a huge thing to scroll through

A1. what are your oc’s natural abilities, things they’ve been doing since young? shes a pyromancer and a dumbass2. what activities have they participated in? uh they were in robotics club in college3. what abilities do they have that they’ve worked for? (no clue what that means) but she keeps her friend aria alive with the augments she makes4. what things are they bad at? talking to cute girls, being a person5. what is their most impressive talent? she can dislocate her shoulder on command

B1. what is their hair color? red2. what is their eye color? green3. how tall are they? like 5′44. how old are they? 32 i think?5. how much do they weigh? 160

C1. how do they sit in a chair? the wrong way all the time2. in what position do they sleep? curled up in a ball3. what is their ideal comfort day? chilling out with her partners4. what is their major comfort food? why? anything with a strong lemon taste that isnt a lemon5. who is the best at comforting them when down? her partners

D1. how would they decorate a house if they had one under their name? she cant decorate worth a damn2. how would they decorate their child’s room? she wouldnt have any kids tbh3. how do they decorate their own room? posters everywhere, failed experiments and other stuff strewn about with clothes4. what type of clothes and accessories do they wear? she likes tight pants, crop tops, and a denim vest with boots on warm days, on cold days she wears skirts, tights, long sleeve tops and flannel with a denim vest5. do they like makeup/nail/beauty trends? she likes them in theory, not in practice since shes terrible with doing makeup

E1. does the way they do things portray their internal personality? kinda? like shes outgoing sometimes but shes also likes being alone, it depends on whos shes with2. do they do things that conform to the norm? only norm she conforms with is being gay3. do they follow trends or do their own thing? she does her own thing sometimes, follows trends other times4. are they up-to-date on the internet fads? she tries to keep up but hardly can5. do they portray their personality intentionally or let people figure it out on their own? she portrays herself as she is (ie a sarcastic bitch with a dry wit)

F1. what do they do for fun? set fire to things2. what is their ideal party? not a party person3. who would they have the most fun with? she loves being with her partners and has the most fun with them4. can they have fun while conforming to rules? she could if she was boring5. do they go out a lot? she doesnt really go out on her own a lot

G1. what is their most attractive external feature? shes happy with how her thighs and ass are so she loves showing them off as much as she can2. what is the most attractive part of their personality? shes extremely caring but doesnt like to show it to everyone3. what benefits come with being their friend? being a human test subject, you get to learn how to do fighting games, and seeing her in default state (which is only a bra and underwear)4. what parts of them do they like and dislike? she likes her thighs and ass, hates having her cock5. what parts of others do they envy? she envies that faith has a vagina and cant wait to get her own

H1. do they rather a hot or cold room? she likes a hot place, she cant function in the cold2. do they prefer summer or winter? she loves summer3. do they like the snow? she likes melting snow with fireballs but besides that she hates snow4. do they have a favorite summer activity? she likes going to concerts in the summer5. do they have a favorite winter activity? stay indoors with her partners and watch scary movies

I1. what is their sexuality? shes homoromantic bisexual2. have they ever questioned their sexuality? oh the entirety of her high school life3. have they ever questioned their gender? kinda, shes trans and had some trouble realizing that but shes happy now4. would/was their family be okay with them being LGBT? they arent5. how long would/did it take for them to come out? her parents dont know a lot of whats going on with her after her second stay in the psych ward when she came out to them, but her friends knew the second erin knew

J1. what makes them happy? making her partners happy2. who makes them happy? her partners3. are there any songs that bring them joy? anytime her favorite band releases a new song4. are they happy often? somewhat5. what brings them the most joy in the world? being with her partners and helping aria not be close to death

K1. have they ever thought about suicide? yeah2. have they ever thought about homicide? thought about doing it outright? no, but some of the test subjects she finds dont live through everything3. if they could kill anyone without punishment, would they? who? her parents4. who would miss them if they died? her partners5. who would be happy they died, anyone? probably her parents

L1. what is their favorite fruit? apple slices2. what is their least favorite fruit? whole apples3. are there any foods they hate? spicy foods4. do they have any food intolerances? she cant handle spicy stuff5. what is their favorite food? chicken picatta

M1. would they want a daughter or a son? probably a daughter2. how many children do they want? ideally none3. would they be a good parent? shes constantly worried shell end up like her parents4. what would they name a son? what would they name a daughter? son would be named azarel, daughter would be named valeria5. would they adopt? probably

N1. what would they never do? hard drugs and be in a gangbang2. what have they never done that they want to do? be in a gangbang3. is there anything they absolutely can’t believe people do? have a good relationship with their parents4. what is the most embarrassing thing they’ve done? thought she was a straight guy5. have they done anything they thought they’d never do? successfully keep someone alive

O1. are they optimistic or pessimistic? she finds both to be annoying and doesnt like answering that question (shes more pessimistic than optimistic)2. are they openly optimistic, throwing it on others? no3. are they good at giving advice? not in the slightest4. is there anyone in their life that throws optimism on them? probably bel5. were they always optimistic? nope

P1. what is their best personality trait? her quick wit2. what is their worst personality trait? her inability to read emotions3. what of their personality do others love? her caring nature4. what of their personality do others envy? her scathing remarks when other people are dumb near her5. do they hate anything about their personality/about other’s personalities? she hates she cant read emotion that well and hates overly chipper people

Q1. do they ask for help? nope2. do they ask questions in class? and look like a nerd? fuck that3. do they answer questions that make them a little uncomfortable? she tries to4. do they ask weird questions? more often than not5. are they curious? yes

R1. do they follow rules? theyre more guidelines and guidelines are more lenient to following than rules are (doesnt really follow the rules)2. would they be a strict or laid-back parent? shed be a bad parent3. have they ever been consequenced for breaking a rule? many times4. have they broken any rules they now regret breaking? nope5. do they find any rules they/others follow absolutely ridiculous? she find a lot of rules pointless

S1. are they street-smart?  not really2. would they give money to someone on the streets? yes she does that a lot3. have they ever gotten in a fight on the streets? many times4. has anything happened to them on the streets? she beat up people sexually harassing her5. are they cautious when out? she carries a pistol and a knife everywhere

T1. are they honest? she tries to be2. can they tell if someone is lying? not well3. is it obvious when they’re lying? if you know her yes, if you dont its hard4. have they lied about anything they regret lying about? nope5. have they told truths that have been spread against their will? kinda?

U1. have they been bullied? yes2. have they bullied anyone? also yes3. have they been physically attacked by a bully? no4. have they ever been doubted? not as often as she believes5. have they surprised people with being good at something? people who dont pay attention to her a lot so she constantly surprises them when they start to pay attention to her

V1. do they vomit often? she hasnt puked since she was a baby and shes proud of that2. do they get lots of stomach aches? yes3. are they good at comforting someone ill? no4. what do they like as far as comfort goes? being warm and cozy5. do they burp, cough, or hiccup most when nauseous? when vomiting? she hiccups a lot when shes nauseous

W1. do they drink enough water? she doesnt like water, it feels weird in her mouth2. have they learned to swim? yes3. do they like to swim? a bit4. can they dive? no5. can they swim without holding their nose? yes

X1. what is their favorite genre of music? lot of good bass and drum lines, hard guitar riffs2. do they have a favorite song? anything her favorite band puts out3. do they have a favorite band/artist/singer? yeah but good luck getting her to tell you (babymetal)4. can they sing well? a bit5. can they rap? nope

Y1. how old were you when you created them? i think like 19 or 202. what inspired you to create them? i kinda figured out i was trans and wanted a character like me but that was a girl (so i project onto her a lot)3. were they different when they were first created? she started out as a destiny oc, she was my warlock4. do you enjoy writing them more than other characters? i cant say tbh5. what’s your favorite thing about them? shes a lot like me

Z1. what’s their favorite animal? cats2. do they like animals? she likes cats3. cats or dogs? cats4. what’s their dream pet? like a big cat but housecat sized5. do they have any pets at the moment? nope

#barovias-sweetheart