#i was so young. i was so young i cant get past that

[u3pxx]

PLEASEEE can you elaborate on the gavinners i cant stop looking at them theyre so pretty

sometimes i forget that outside of my friends and servers, i don't really talk much about my gavinners boys* huh! so basically, i originally wanted to make them so i could beef up turnabout serenade in my roleswap au, kind of like turnabout samurai where you have a lot more characters which in turn means a lot more suspects!

but then i realized, wait, i need to make them in the canon-verse first before i could make their swap au counterparts! and so now they exist pftt

here y'all go, i'm gonna be copy-pasting the character descriptions i wrote for them during art fight pftt <3

🥁 DEIDRE MINUENDO

Height: 5'7" (170 cm), 5'9.5" (176) with boots on Birthday: Jul 7 ♋︎ | Pronouns: He/Him, She/Her, They/Them

Deidre is the seemingly gloomy and stoic drummer of the band The Gavinners! At first, it could be difficult to get a read on them but despite all that, they're just like that because they prefer saving their energy. It might not look like it, but Deidre enjoys company even if they're not the most chatty with it and thrives the most when they are around other people (she prefers it if she's around the people closest to her though). Deidre is pretty sensitive and an emotional person even if they don't outwardly express it. To the people close to them, Deidre has a sarcastic streak and can be pretty snappy when it comes to teasing. She can dish it but she can't take it however as they can get slightly irritated when they're teased back. Even if they are a rockstar, they can get embarrassed when people praise or say nice things about them to their face, he tends to brush affection if even if he is secretly flattered by it (he's not gonna admit it though pftt) They also enjoy doodling here and there and like stuffed animals (they have a few of their own!)

Deidre was the closest to Daryan so the events of 4-3 affected him immensely. They felt betrayed and confused and tried to deny that Daryan would be capable of taking another person's life; they scrambled to do everything to protect Daryan from omitting information and even lying on the stand. In the end, all of their efforts were for naught and they felt incredibly guilty for what they've done, especially since she started antagonizing Preston when he was starting to suspect Daryan. They cut themselves off from the group, their job, and stardom. They ended up severely depressed and started to rarely go outside anymore. Only Doremy (Daryan's twin, also a close friend of his) was able to reach him during this time while Viva tried to but he kept refusing to see him. It took them a long time to finally be able to reconnect with the group and it took them a lot of help and support to be able to be well again. Deidre carries Daryan's betrayal to the group heavily and it took a while for her to start forgiving herself.

⚡ VIVA CHI

Age: 25 | Height: 5'9" (175 cm) Birthday: Jan 1 ♑︎ | Pronouns: He/Him

Viva is the lively and energetic bassist of the band The Gavinners! Though he may seem goofy and a little unserious, he actually is pretty responsible and is the mediator of the band (as the eldest brother of his siblings and the eldest of the band, he kind of made that his responsibility). He's a forensic scientist and has always had an interest in science alongside music ever since he was young (he thinks Ema is very pretty but she finds him annoying pftt). Viva was the last one to join the band when they were all in high school and despite his extroverted personality, felt a little shy at the time getting to know a new group of people (it's because Preston was there who he may or may not have crushed at while in high-school.) He's a lover of all things caffeinated (especially energy drinks though he should really pace himself) which isn't always the best match to the fact that he's got terrible anxiety and thinks himself down a spiral when he gets too worried.

Once the band disbanded after the events of AA4, Viva, though left in a bad place with his anxiety shot through the roof, fared better compared to the other members. He tried his best to keep in touch with everyone with varying successes despite Daryan's arrest being fresh and hurt. - visiting Daryan in prison to hear his side of the story - popping in to check at Preston in his office because the guy started to take worse care of himself - contacting Deidre even if she was trying to isolate and cut herself from everyone and looking out for Klavier even if he buried himself in his work He took a break from music like everyone else, he still hopes one day they can meet up and play music again, not even as a band, but as a group of friends who loved creating music.

🦇 PRESTON KEISS

Age: 25 | Height: 6'1" (185 cm) Birthday: Oct 25 ♏︎ | Pronouns: He/Him

Preston is the mysterious yet magnetic keyboardist of the Gavinners! Tall, dark, and bewitching; Preston is aware of the impression people have of him at first glance and likes to use that preconception to surprise and even catch people off-guard by purposely being silly or crass. He has a number of odd quirks and mannerisms that he doesn't realize he has, people tend to notice but they often let it pass because he is very handsome (pretty privilege lmao). Preston can sometimes be mischievous and finds certain things amusing only to him even if others don't find it as funny. He's always had an interest in horror and the macabre ever since he was a young boy which developed into a great fascination with the special effects used in old and new horror films alike. (He can be a bit jumpy when watching movies even if he loves to do it, he can't help it if the movie gets to him!) He plays up his whole immortal vampire schtick because the fans tend to theorize if he really was one. (He is not, he'd love to be one though pftt) Preston is very stubborn and adamant about his opinions and can be difficult to sway if he thinks he's correct; he is also quite awkward when it comes to personal matters, as can be seen in his strained relationship with his older sister and whatever romantic thing he's trying to achieve with Viva. He's used to acting larger than life when the cameras are on but being raw and honest has him feeling a little embarrassed and stilted. Preston smokes and keeps it a secret. (Don't tell Viva that!)

Preston was the first person in the band to start suspecting Daryan which he mostly kept to himself at first but wouldn't deny when you asked him (Deidre did not like that.) After Lamirior accused Daryan in court, Preston was determined to make Deidre confront the truth (unfortunately, not taking in why Deidre might be upset and in denial about it) which caused them to have a fight (with Viva being unsuccessful in de-escalating it.) After the Gavinners disbanded, Preston didn't feel very well after Daryan got sent to prison and lost contact with Deidre (whom he hasn't talked to since the case. [he misses them.]) He seemed fine afterward with his workload seeming to increase though upon closer inspection, he's started taking worse care of himself, skipping meals, and losing his interest in music. Preston has a lot of baggage to sort through regarding his friends and his family that will be difficult and painful for him to confront, but rest assured, he's gonna come out of it happy and well.

and here's a compilation of some very old turnabout serenade drawings too :^]

(i didnt make dei's bday turnabout serenade on purpose, it was a tragic happy accident DFGHDJ i wanted his bday to be 7/7 bc i made daryan 6/6 but then the date. i realize the date orz)

#also i dont think ive mentioned this before but ive been thinking about preston being somewhere in the autism spectrum too :^] #ace attorney #deidre minuendo #viva chi #preston keiss #klavier gavin #daryan crescend #the gavinners #sunnysidedoodles #den's gavinners tag #den's ocs tag #sunnysideanswers #id in alt text #described

[luzisahomosexual]

The foxes just won another game. Neil waddles over to Andrew to celebrate using his racket cos he’s so exhausted. When he gets there, he smiles at him before falling to the floor. Without a word, Andrew sits down in front of him. They both sit there silently, staring into each others eyes with their foreheads pressed together.

And that’s how the press and fans started speculating about their relationship😋

#I can’t write for shit but they have been taking up 99% of my thoughts for the past 2 weeks and #I keep imagining lil scenarios like this so thought I’d post one if idk #this is probably rlly cringe but wtva💀 #HELP THEY HAVE CHANGED MY BRAIN CHEMISTRY #I CANT GO 10 MINUTES WITHOUT THINKING OF THEM #AND THE BOOKS IN GENERAL #I GET HYPERFIXATIONS ALL THE TIME BUT THEY ARE RARELY AS INTENSE AS THIS😭 #the last time it was this bad was when young royals s1 first came out and #I felt physically sick if I wasn’t watching the show #like literally #I had a shower and after it I was literally rolling round on the floor cos I felt so sick #love that #yey autism #woop woop #andreil #all for the game #andrew minyard #neil josten #andreil have taken over my life

[moonsidesong]

the owl house having an onscreen moment where its main protagonist comes out to her mother as bi and having it be a happy, celebratory thing is just so so special and wonderful. it makes my heart full, even if it was just a little moment in a montage :’)

#toh is such a special show i wish so much i had it when i was a kid #i get really emotional when i think about young sapphic kids who get to love lumity now the way i loved ruby and sapphire from su as a kid #bri talks #i cant imagine how hard this must've been to get past censors. man. good on dana and her crew #toh spoilers #<--- um not really since its just from that promo but i know theres people who dont like to watch previews so ill put it just in case

[july-19th-club]

nothing but adoration for myeong-seok and his giles-ass energy. not exactly a father figure not exactly an authority except in a particular context, but the younger protagonists DO see him as a dad figure and they DO defer to him (except when they go haring off on some Quest For Justice or similar scheme and he has to sit there at his desk and out loud say to the empty room why did you even come in to ask me if you were gonna do it anyway?) and while he is, in general, very academic and reserved about things he's not really that far above it all and can be easily convinced to join the chaos, except he does it with this twee little look on his face like aha! what fun! as if he can't quite believe that a) he's included and b) he's doing this 'fun' thing right. his intense legal professionalism is the lens through which he comprehends the world and communicates, and so long as he's within that framework he functions perfectly BUT as soon as you derail him even slightly off this familiar track, he gets super frazzled and flustered and it makes him irritable. in conclusion your honor, he is also autistic but a generation too old to have gotten diagnosed as a child and he has more social skills than the one autistic person he knows so he simply has no idea and probably never will

#he doesnt have a whales so he thinks he's Normal. sorry king you are not and i love you for it . sorry your whales is Being At Work #extraordinary attorney woo #q #actually that's not true he does have another hyperfixation and it's being enemies with that other guy at the office #hes obsessed with one PARTICULAR noodle place and they CANT go to the other noodle place because it's NOT the SAME #he gets owlishly befuddled if people say stuff to him he's not expecting and he either gives in immediately #or bulldozes right past them because it's Not What He Was Expecting and therefore ignorable #anything out of routine for him is so unusual as to be extraordinary and make his acquaintances think something's wrong #he really only seems to have acquaintances and we don't really know what kind of a friend circle he has. or if he has one #most of the people he knows are from work #like. probably most of the friends he had were actually his wife's friends. lost the friend group in the divorce LITERALLY #he shakes hands SO weird #'i'm going to leave now because i'm very embarrassed' #genuinely the only reason he and young-woo ever clash is because they have incompatible autisms

[yuridovewing]

“oh ha ha the theory where ashfur is dovewing and ivypools father is so cringe”

#but…. my melodrama…. #real talk i like the theory but dislike whiteash. im not a believer bc i ship them im a believer bc its interesting to me #i see it as like. ashfur had a bruised ego and whitewing had had a crush on him since she was young #and he basically just. used her to restore his ego. bc hes a creep. he went to her not out of love not even as a second choice #but to go ‘’see? SOMEONE loves me so why cant that bitch love me? shes missing out on me #but he ofc wants squilf as a mate. so hes not official with whitewing he wont let her tell anyone #bc he wants her to come back to him and she cant do that if hes not available #so yeah means to an end situation. and when whitewing gets pregnant ashfur ditches her bc he wants REAL kits with squirrelflight #and whitewing is pretty sick of him but she still doesnt want to say who the dad is bc shes grossed out by him now #bc cant imagine he was exactly nice to her #and birchfall decides to be their adoptive dad bc he and whitewing are besties #and hes also in love w one of the shadowclan cats he traveled with so like lol works for him #and its not bc i want to put whitewing through that or something its bc i think the repercussions would be interesting #lionblaze and jayfeather try to be kind to dovepaw. but they look at her and see their murderer in their sisters place #dove and ivy being abandoned by their dad and only existing out of spite really. how that connects to the prophecy #and when it comes out that ashfur was an attempted murderer and they suspect hes their dad it just gets worse #and then in tbc two of the protags would be ashfurs grandchildren… they exist bc of him #and he uses both of them for his plans. may as well use his bastards for something in his eye #‘’oh but whitewing is cloudtails daughter and hes ashfurs foster brother-‘’ ashfur is already a creep lol #hes closer in age to squilf’s dad than he is to her so would u really put it past him #like the point isnt ‘’awww this ship would be cute’’ its ‘’ashfur is a sleazy asshole lets play with that’’

[britneyshakespeare]

you know i mentioned last night that i realized only *after* i started rereading david copperfield that since i recently became an aunt, i was gonna see the story from a whole new angle and start relating more to betsey trotwood. i didn't even think about how at salem house i was gonna be poor mr. mell...

#i mean i didnt really think about mr. mell much because he's more of a minor character #he doesnt come back throughout david's life like steerforth or traddles or emily or agnes or #or or or all these other dozen major characters #in fact i only think of salem house as a minor part of the book. the shit we gotta get through to get to aunt betsey again #in a sense i cant wait to be done with it again #but oh my god reading about the rowdy schoolroom and how he's hardly managing to handle his stress #MEEEEE!!!!!! ME AN EDUCATOR #diana rereads david copperfield #literally just let me fucking play my flute badly in peace #you know i really have grown up a lot in the past 5 years bc all the adults used to just be caricatures to me #in the sense that all of dickens' characters are kind of caricatures. theyre exaggerated and silly #whether theyre supposed to be archetypal good or bad people. #because the way dickens uses hyperbole. sometimes it's just too true! #like the assholery of steerforth. how disingenuous but charming and persuasive he can be #that is SO true to how it feels to look up to older people as a young child. david copperfield's yielding to him is so realistic #david copperfield's own childish innocence throughout the early chapters seems comical but is emotionally true to how childhood feels. #these were the parts of the novel that resonated with me very deeply at 19. and they still do #but oh now. now i understand the position of the working adults. especially since i work w kids now how different it all feels. #and have worked w kids for several years too. but only about a year after reading dc. actually almost 2 years #im one of the bumbling incompetent adults. oh dear. oh lord.

[potpiehead]

ive been more depressed lately

#if you cant tell #during the summer i had some zest for life and felt actually happy lol but with the turn of the season it just disappeared.. so annoying lo #i keep having thoughts that boil down to "id be happier if i were happier' like lol #i know that spending time with my friends and family; always having something going on; engagine with my interests and keeping myself busy #all make me feel good and i think those things came easier over the summer #when im doing something of interest i just feel this whole world open up and everything feels lighthearted and easy and then when i fall ou #of those habits and start doing less everythig just feels dark #the depression i have now is 100x better than the depression i had as a teenager though. i didnt have the life experience to know that #things could be better #it does make me feel good to know that there are things that help #i just feel so mentally weak like there are times when i think of the thing i want to do but the effort it would take is monumental #and it stresses me the fuck out #i applied to a couple of jobs today because i just need a change of fucking scenery and i feel stagnant. #evereythig feels bleak and meaningless but i have moments where i feel everything open up. idk #i have hope for myself lol just that today in particular has been shitty like a concentrated version of the past few months #but i did apply to jobs which is something i was stressing about! and i bought some shit i needed to buy that i kept putting off #i often have so much on my mind and am so overwhlemed i cant even think of getting shit done. this shit is ruining everything #catastrophizing was my specialty in early high school ive been here before its just that being a young adult is a new frontier. #and i feel like ive been sitting in one place not moving even though i have been doing things i need to CHANGE things #i have moments of strength but i know that overall im struggling. #anyway thanks for reading. i have work tomorrow gn!

[bonbongiveshell]

The worst part of having a suspicion that someone you love is turning into a crypto terf is that they are hiding their opinions behind little "harmless" statements on purpose and collecting evidence so you can confront them about it is a fucking insane thing to do

#captain's log #im v concerned but like #i have memory issues right? #so in the past when ibe tried to bring up concerns with friends lr family #theyve rightly asked me to give examples #which are pretty hard for me to remember #in my family's case they do that on purpose bc they know i cant remember #or they do this same thing where its seemingly harmless but it does hurt #so i cant even confront this person bc my brain is sending alarm bells out like you cant do this thisll end bad and if yheyre not already #alresdy there youre gonna tip them over the edge #i will say theyre a young white person bc that doesnt narrow down literally sny of my friends except a couple #but because of that they are like so primed to fall into this sort of rhetoric #and theres another thig which makes them even more so but that will narrow it down #and i dont want my suspicions getting bscl to them

[spill-that-anxietea]

I don’t care if you’re tired of hearing about it. It just irks me so much that Grandon KNOWS one of the largest driving forces of the fans pushing for a YJ revival is to see Wally’s resurrection. They knew that going into it!

Like, I really wanna know if they all sat down in the writer’s room and were like, “Okay, let’s see how many seasons of the show we can make without bringing Wally back before the ratings start to drop.”

Now, here we are again post-season four. The #KeepBingingYJ posts are making the rounds again, and I just? Don’t care anymore? The mediocre writing of the past two seasons is NOT enough to make me want more of it. Sorry.

#I just cant stand the fucking audacity of Greg in particular #like he gets so butthurt and offended when literally anyone critics him on Twitter #and honestly? #I’m normally one to defend writers but the past two season have been such a slap in the face to the very same fans #who helped bring the show back in the first place #you cannot sit here and name the title of your third seasons phantoms #say it’s focused on the original team #have all these implications that Wally isn’t actually dead #and then drag us through two seasons of garbage writing #WHY THE HELL did fans of GLTAS get more closure in YJ than Wally stans? #explain that to me Greg! #honestly fuck Grandon #they drug this out on purpose and now they have likely missed their opportunity to give fans what they want #because I don’t see us getting renewed this late in the game #and I don’t even care #I wish YJ had never been brought back in the first place #young Justice #dc stuff

[nopeferatu]

i always feel so alienated when i see ppl talk abt the overrepresentation of tragedies within queer media and stuff bc while i do understand where ppl are coming from, i just enjoy consuming sad media in general lol so i cant truly relate to the frustration of not getting to see happy things.

and this isnt even me being critical of that argument bc i 100000% understand where it comes from, i 1000000% think its valid, studies have shown that queer people need positive representation to not feel so hopeless for their futures and stuff so like. i get it. i just like sad shit man! and i dont think we should stop having popular sad gay narratives altogether just bc of oversaturation.

i think its a hard convo to have bc we realize how rare the opportunity for mainstream gay media comes about and so i get that people don't want the "uber mainstream gay media" that happens twice a decade to be a tragic sad fest like they all are but i think maybe the answer is. we either need to change hollywood which is basically impossible OR we just like, stop looking to big hollywood studios for representation and start giving our money to independent studios who are making a lot of stories w queer ppl at the helm and stuff. because if we have a lot of different shows and films that involve queer people, then it wont matter if some of them are tragedies, and maybe then we can finally stop throwing groundbreaking queer media of our past under the bus and/or advocating for the death of queer tragedies when there are very much queers out there who love tragedies <- like me.

#the brokeback brainworms led me down some rabbitholes and im like grrrrrrr #me on the outside: youre allowed not to like the media i love bc we all have different tastes #me on the inside: *killing u with my mind* #i also just think the crit can be a little insensitive to the people who do see themselves represented by queer tragedies #like you guys do not know the depth of how much brokeback mountain affected ppl. like you probably have an idea but it runs fucking DEEP #and also i think that seeing young generations shit on queer tragedies of the past is kind of like a man yells at brick wall sit bc #the media already exists and you cant change it and they came out at times that were very different in terms of social acceptance of gays #so like idk. also in general im just a big advocate for trying to meet a piece of media halfway and judge its success based on what it was #trying to do within the context it was created in and like this goes for all movies not just gay movies and i think taking that approach #can make ppl better critics #but also i mean youre allowed to just not wanna get involved w sad media. esp sad gay media. i know a lot of ppl who are rly sensitive to #sad shit and thats totally fine. theres just ppl out there who are sensitive to sad shit in the opposite way in that we love it and it #consumes us and drives us to make changes in our lives for the better and so i would hate to see sad gays go away #in the end the true villain was the hayes code all along #like if they didnt make it a mandatory thing that gay people needed to fucking die in order to be represented at all we wouldnt #be having these conversations and youd let me fuck off to my mountain to get my back broken in a really sad way

[consciouschunkofmoss]

.

#theres always those little details about your childhood that stick to your mind you later on figure out to be a huge deal actually #theres always those lingering feelings from when you were young that haunt your actions and ways of thinking to this very day #but you never question that #because to you its normal #figuring out that many many things that happened in my head are maybe. just maybe not that normal makes me feel insane #and i hate myself for not having the right words to use #but i dont know how longer i can deal with my own bullshit without feeling like both a complete fucking liar and a total stranger #living a whole life with the constant paranoia of being watched #passing through years of school feeling so disconnected you cant bear a single class without any external and constant outlets #otherwise without those outlets not even having control over your own fucking body and what happened to it while you were out #or whatever other term there might be #randomly bursting into tears because your mind by sheer force made you think about things you werent even a slightest bit fond of #spending such long periods of time trying to tell if what you were living was an actual thing or just purely fabricated #dreading the times at which you just had no agency over your own spiraling thoughts when getting even if slightly upset #just completely not knowing if what you were going through was a real thing or just a dream (past memories being even more messy) #the constant pressure and fog wrapped around your brain #all the stress you had to deal with solely for not being able to tell so clearly as the others your age what was really present or not #the constant divagation that made you cry at night for no reason

[anotherpapercut]

It’s literally amazing that you almost never practice what you preach. Like I only know of you through people but you’re just..a complete hypocrite lmao.

so I turned off anon fucking foreeever ago when I was getting rape threats and now when people want to send me anonymous messages they have to go through the trouble of making a whole ass new blog or, if they've already been blocked, a whole ass account. when it's that, which I think it often is based on the similarity of the messages, I always wonder, did these people use a 2nd email that they have for such occasions? or did they have to make a new email as well? because akdnksnejdb that would be like extra pathetic

either way it's just literally impossible to be bothered by anything y'all say when you're like so obsessed with me (or just the idea of me as a person for you to blame whatever you want on) that you took the time out of your one and only life on earth to do this instead of idk spending time with someone you love? just cause..... idk you're clearly scared of something lol. it's just so funny but also sad? uhhhhh please get help lmfao

#also i love this message because calling someone a hypocrite is like calling them pretentious #everyone is a hypocrite like pretty often and everyone is pretenious sometimes lol #and I'm literally 23 and autistic and still very much learning the right way to interact with people so like.... yeah lol im a hypocrite? #you got me‚ i display common flaws the most people display at various points in their lifetime‚ especially when theyre young and learning! #im so hurt! #my absolute fav part of this message tho 'i only know of you from people' LMFAOOOOOOO #imagine making a new blog to send a hate message on TUMBLR to someone youve only HEARD OF through people JSHDHDBSJSJRJSBBSJDH #and the use of the word know here is interesting because like do you mean you have friends who find my blog annoying #and think i suck and theyve told you about it #because thats not knowing me at all in anyway thats not even knowing of me lmao thats hearing about a version of me second hand lmfao #or do you know people who know me irl who dont like me because they also likely dont actually know me as a person #bc they cant get past my various real flaws (which is cool! maybe i cant get past theirs either lol. sometimes you just dont like people) #so i also dont care about their opinion or yours lol #im fully aware of the mistakes i make #its called being a young adult and trying to work on becoming a generally kinder and better person :/ #and actually it goes past young adulthood :/ #im guessing youre like 14 so im gonna let you know now that you grow up for your entire life until you die #you dont stop growing up at 18 #well you can lmao but thats how Ben Shapiro and Joe Rogan happened lmfaoooo #so uhhh for the worlds sake and ur own please dont stop lol #anyway orion out ✌️

[be-good-to-bugs]

the world isnt so bad

#the bin #i think ill be ok one day #i feel like i need to change a lot of my lofe and relationships for that to happen but ill do it and ill be better for it and ill be ok #i feel like the big thing thats been fucking me uo these past years besides not having friends is my sister #i just. dont like her. shes mean and unpleasant to be around. she seems fine if u only spend a little time around her but shes so negative #and its not enougj to just not talk much. like. i need our relationship to stop existing in its current for in a tangeble way #not enough to just talk less bc then shes like why r we talking less. but i dont have the option of just saying hey ur mean and i dont #wanna be kinda-friends anymore. we can just have the same kinda relationship i have with the rest of our siblings #because i have literally nobody else here and if she gets mad im kinda fucked. i need her to take me to work. i cant compromise that #its just. idk it sucks. i think itll be healthy to jave distance from her when i move away so that ohr relationship can do the thing quietly #idk. i would have no problem with just changing things immediately but she always has reacted badly to that stuff sooo #ive felt yhis way for many years now but i felt like i was the problem and that shes actually fine but thats not it #and i keep trying to fix it but idk. shes just unpleasant. shes not horrible but we do NOT work. i need to talk to my other older sister #more cause shes really nice. probably gonna help her get a job and stuff when i move. maybe we will move in together #only for like a temp time but just so she can get a handle on living on ur own. and she would need a ride to work n stuff #shes very loud so id rather not live with her. i wanna live alone. but i wanna help her out also bc nobody is willing to do that for her #and also treat her like a capable adult. how can she learn how to be an adult if nobody treats her like one? shes perfectly capable once #she learns but its not stuff u just know on ur own. well. without other ppl getting in the way we communicate very well #idk. thats way future stuff tho. but maybe will do that in the future. im trying to be optimistic and think abt my oter siblings to talk to #i have 3 who are old enough to have regular conversations with and the other 2 r a bit young. 2 of the 3 r kinda mean tho #well. me and my other older sister can live in the least fav children club and talk abt how rude the other 2 are lol

[tinylittlebab]

ill be skinny and dying and ill look beautiful and people will like me it has to happen or id rather die

whats the point of being lonely and in pain all the time and then having to get a job and hate doing that if i have no friends and hate myself. the one thing that keeps me wanting to live wont be good enough once u have to work and in that case id rather just die

:(

#i just. i dont want most of my immediate family aware of this. ive spiraled a little bit i guess. i wanna be hospitalized haha. like a lot #thats the goal now i guess. 85 pounds and then if its not good enough i just keep going lower untill its worse #but i guess if im hospitalized my immediate family will HAVE to get involved. i just dont wamt my younger siblings aware of it. #i wanna make myself so sick. i want the people who always looked at me when i was little and hated how shy i was and said i was too small #tohear about giw im in the hospital and think oh thats just terrible #its like. i dont even know anyone who will look at me thinner and think its a good thing. everyone i know already knows about my ed #and they all already think u should eat more. i do wish i knew someone who would think me being skinnier was good #i want someone who will feel me get bonier and think whoah thats neat. think its cool they can wrap their hands around my wrists #well. my wrists are very tiny anyway because my hands are really small. my family just has really tiny hands #people dont notice mine much because they are proportional to my arms (they notice my siblings though bc they are bigger than me) #but whenever someone actually holds my hands or hands me something a looks they realize oh my god why are your hands so small #like. the bones themselves are small. been told i have baby hands. mine are way smaller than my siblings though bc im underweight #hmm. i always felt horrible for this but i used to be so internally proud of the fact i was slinnier than my 8yo sister #like. she is a normal sized kid. average weight and height. and it feels validating to be smaller than that. like i actually AM tiny #my only friend is fat which is obviously fine and nothing wrong with it but it means i have no comparison. she is much bigger than most #people so i cant think oh im way smaller than her im doing great bc like. that could mean im just average sized. but that i can look at my #sister who is normal sized for someone 8 years younger than me and is also i young kid and see im thinner so i must be doing well #well. one day ill move past that and look pike i could juat die right there bc im so small #so tiny that i look so frail and easy to break