#i was venting abt this w a friend last night | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

catboii · 4 months

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((just a "little" (ha) update I guess, nothing major, just a note that I'm sorry if I post alot this week with seemingly no regard for my/my muse's vast presence on the dash, or if I end up writing alot of short weird drabbles to vent.... if there's questionable stuff it'll be tagged like always <3

I understand if you need to unfollow me to keep your dash clear for other people if you're mobile etc. or if you need to blacklist my muse's url for a bit if it's overwhelming

After xmas everything may have settled and if you wanna refollow then I'd welcome you back and wouldn't ask any questions. your comfort (whatever that may classify as in the context) is my utmost priority!

normally I try not to clutter, and I try to keep general post reblogs minimal and just queue most of them. I'm just... not doing too good rn

then again it's a 50/50 that I'll be posting nothing at all, just making my muse's presence known if it wants to sorta wave at someone from the depths of my brain hell jail.

I'll still be checking in around xmas stuff bc this muse gives me v happy bubbly vibes whenever I write it and that's honestly what I need rn.

I'm sorry if your muse reblogs/replies to one of mine's posts or smth and I seemingly glance over it. I genuinely just didn't see it. I always try and respond to stuff, or if it doesn't know how to reply I at least acknowledge that my muse saw it by liking it. but I might not have the mental capacity to actually keep up w stuff

...

BASICALLY I'm either gonna be kinda quiet or rly hyperfixated on not being in my own head for the next week or so.

I'm obv stressed anyway bc I need to do xmas shopping still and it's a struggle bc online it probs won't come in time. we're going "late night shopping" on thursday though so hopefully we can get a bunch of stuff then

but mainly an old work friend of mine passed away today. He's been unwell for a few years, and I dunno if he knew what it was and was just keeping it quiet, or if they genuinely couldn't work it out. last I heard he was getting MRIs.

I had a complicated relationship w him (positive) bc he was either bipolar or had BPD like me (although he wasn't diagnosed with either, but it was obvious he at least had bipolar), and if you know anything abt BPD you know what an FP (favourite person) is, and we were sort of each other's when we were working together? I think. like I say he wasn't diagnosed, but it felt like that. we hit it off really quick and were both really comfortable with each other, and he was just the sweetest most supportive person. he was one of my FPs, which basically means my brain was cursed to be in intense friendlove with him. He would tell me that he loved me and appreciated my friendship, was always saying you need to tell people you love them, however you can, however you mean it, because you don't know if you'll ever get to tell them again

he always showed off the little things I made him and made sure everyone knew exactly where he got the silly little origami animals on his desk, or who made his juggling balls that were his favourite thing in the whole world bc I made them for him by hand, and picked the fabric out specifically for him.

One time around xmas, bc of covid, we had these big plastic screen dividers between our desks and I used posca paint pens to draw him a HUGE Robin in a scarf and santa hat (his name was Robin and people always got him little Robin themed things, he loved them) on the one by his manager desk, like a name tag, but Facilities told him he needed to clean it off and chastised him thinking he did it, and you're "not supposed to vandalise work equipment" even though they're literally washable and it was xmas. we were sticking decorations everywhere, how is it any different? but he played along but he was really mad. He didn;t wanna say it was me that did it, because he thought I might've gotten in trouble, but he also wanted to argue that I'd put alot of work into it. I hadn't put that much in, it was just for fun and I liked drawing it, and he got to see it! That was the important part. and I said so. but I cleaned it off and drew him a new Robin on a piece of paper and he kept it at his desk like a retired picket sign, and told the story to anyone who would be polite enough to listen

mostly though, he gendered me correctly (and he was in his 60s so being so passionate abt they/them pronouns was just really sweet, though he was clearly bi but still in the closet, so it was maybe a little projection, in a way, or just straight up quiet queer solidarity), and literally agressively made sure everyone else did too, when he realised I'd been just letting people at work use whatever pronouns, he got really proactive and made sure all my paperwork was marked as "them" officially (with my permission). if anyone misgenered me he would get visably annoyed or disgusted, and there were a couple people who "forgot" (every time) and he actually got angry at them about it and reported them for harassment, which might've been a little extreme, but I honestly felt so validated, and I'm tearing up thinking about it. I don't think anyone's ever fought that hard in my corner, especially after only knowing me for, at that point, less than a year.

We worked together in a couple different parts of the business for a couple years, until some stuff happened that I shouldn't say bc I need my rp blog(s) to stay far away from my professional life, but we were gonna be working together doing something else, but it wasn't his thing, it was stressful and there were other reasons, but he just lost it and walked out.

we had a little joke when we were training before he left, he had this soft toy robin that he let me borrow because I was really anxious, and I gave it a little notepad and pencil and wrote something silly on it for when he got it back each time. usually some out of context joke on what we learned that day, so we could both laugh about it. but when he left I still had it, and I messaged him saying I would get it back to him sometime, but he said to keep it to remind me of him.

I put it away to keep it safe, but I'm gonna have to go and find it, because it's one of the only physical things I have left of him.

#ooc post.#.vat file #rl illness ment-#rl death ment-#readmore.#I think I'm ok for now. I'm sorry about the stuff mentioned at the top but I'm not sorry this post is so long. for once.#you don't have to read it. but if you do? then hey. thanks. we're besties now.#I had a little rant about him and it's cathartic but I'm trying not to break down tbh #I think just expressing how much I loved him helps. he was just. so pure and wholesome in reality.#always showing how much he appreciated people...

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binders-and-beanies · 1 month

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Going off of last nights vent lol. A presenter at the social work conference last week talked abt maslows hierarchy of needs and ya boi is a huge proponent of that model. If u don’t know it’s a pyramid w basic human needs at the bottom and works up to things that help u feel satisfied in life and not just surviving. The idea is that if ur not getting those bottom level needs met how are u supposed to even worry about the upper ones. I’m used to the bottom level saying like “food water and shelter” and I’ve almost always had those things, it feels precarious and the fear of being homeless Someday weighs on me but at least I have the privilege of that being a hypothetical. Anyway the example this lady gave included “warmth” on the same level as those things and I was like wow. I don’t have that. Like, protection from actual frostbite sure. I’m not sleeping in the snow like my clients and I’m grateful for that every time I get in bed and I wonder where they are. But also I’m cold enough every day that my body doesn’t function properly, cold enough to give me emotional outbursts sometimes. I wear a marshmellow jacket to class and at work and yet I’m like not taking in information properly bc all I can focus on is how miserably cold I am. That rly is a maslow situation huh lol how am I supposed to feel things like confidence or peace when I’m just like “if I shake my leg rly fast maybe it will warm me up a little”. The next level up from that includes “safety” which is also iffy for me like again I have somewhere to Go but I can’t walk 10 minutes in public without someone threatening my life. I feel a substantial amount of the middle level things like love and a sense of belonging but I don’t get to *feel* those things bc I’m so consumed by the bare requirements that I don’t get to do. I have a partner and friends that love me dearly but when I’m in their presence I’m anxious bc there are more pressing things I need to get to (and bc I’m cold!!!) idk I feel like that whole theory is a great way of describing where I’m at in life rn like am I happy?? Idk maybe but I don’t get to even strive for happiness or recreation or sense of self. I strive for warmth and less pain and doing all the required things. And I never rly thought abt how the hierarchy thing also works in the sense of like,, yes you don’t get a chance to Try for those high level needs if ur stuck on the bottom but also even if you Do Have higher level needs met as a respite from not having basic needs met,, you don’t get to focus on that either bc ur still physically not ok. Much to think about

#continuation of last post lol #mine #txt #personal

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perfectlullabies · 2 years

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this is going to be a long vent post so if u read it thank u, i am giving u a cookie, buying u a pony and kissing u on the mouth 🌹

my health’s in shambles... i’d spent the entire summer locked up in the house, leaving only to run errands with my mom (mostly ones revolving around my deceased grandparents) and i thought i was dealing with all this quite well so as soon as i moved back into my uni flat i’d started going out and walking and talking and laughing and all that shit and after 10 days i got so sick...cos rly i was totally unprepared to go back to uni and see all the people and talk w them and pretend i’m fine. ok so i wanted to vent properly but i now realize i don’t feel like it anymore lmao i’m so tired and i’ve barely eaten anything since saturday :( and today was the first night i didn’t wake up so sweaty but i had a dream abt my grandma again and then later abt my granddad as well. first i saw my grandma in a tram, she was standing on the other side of it, looking at me. i turned around to look back at her and she nodded and smiled at me as if she was trying to say it’s all alright. then i found myself in my grandparent’s house that was destroyed back in 2017 and some people followed me there and tried to kill me and my dad but we managed to escape through the window

i’ve been in such a dreamlike state for a long time now. and i already missed three days of uni and i’m gonna miss three more and also my entire hospital classes and i have no idea how i’m gonna do all this???????? bro what the fuck. i don’t know and i don’t care. and my mom’s in terrible shape as well...just pretending everything’s alright but god it’s notttttttttttttttttttt i wanna scream

plus what rly did it for me was my last therapy appointment on friday. a disaster. told her i’m gonna come back next friday and then decide if i want to quit for good but i’ve already made that decision. i rly hoped she’d be able to help somehow? i had no idea it’d turn out like this

ALSO there’s a placebo gig on monday in warsaw and????????? i guess i still want to go but will i be able to? i’m gonna try. worst case scenario i’m just gonna get to warsaw and then get back home if i feel sick or something. jesus christ

for my own health’s sake i’m gonna continue being a hermit now bc i don’t think i’m ready to be a Person yet. i’ve gone through so much and i have to remind myself of that bc nobody else cares. i just don’t care abt anything my friends. just wanna mind my own business but idk what my business is lmao anyway anyway anyway * dying sounds * i see a pic of my grandma i go into hysterics bbbkjcfjdkj honestly people stressing abt shit is so amusing to me now...you can go all your life stressing and then bam you’re gone and that’s it and that’s just it !!

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f1nalboys · 1 year

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tw bad relationships and me using sexting as a form of self harm bc i hate myself and everything heart eyes

idek if this counts as anything bc yeah it bothers me and hurt me mentally but it was online so . idk if someone else said this to me i’d be like ofc it counts!!! but it’s me so does it rlly guys

remembered the worst person i’ve ever talked to and how i rlly just let him do whatever he wanted <3 made me feel literally sick to my stomach thinking abt him knowing i was active on twitter that i made a private account and added my friends to avoid him LMFAO but idk i guess i kind of set myself for it bc i had a crush on him and i posted a selfie where my boobs were more visible and he dmd me i knew that’s all he would want from me and i still did it so :/ idk now i’m blaming myself and i hate everything the man was legit across the fuckint globe and he had me throwing up from panic attacks AND STILL sending pics lol 😭😭 i sometimes get a pit in my stomach bc he could …. still have those pictures lol they could be there <3 in his phone <3 forever

anyways i’m thinking abt him bc i’m doing it to myself again :3 i have an nsfw twitter or whatever so ofc the guy dming me ‘wanting to be friends’ is gonna turn it sexual and is gonna sext me and ask for photos and shit :))))) and ofc i’m gonna oblige bc i love harming my mental health!! i am proud of myself bc i was like i don’t feel comfy taking pics of myself and sending them” and he was like that’s fine. but i could tell he was bored and annoyed w me so i sent audio 😀😀 fuckinf stupidfff i’m so stupid!!!! n now he has just been messaging to sext and i get all panicky but i keep dming him back bc like,,, what did i expect lol <3

and last night i legit let him vent to me abt how he feels like he doesn’t have friends and was trying to make him feel better and he STILL turned it sexual worms for brains! i just pretended i was out w a friend and couldn’t and then shocker he was asleep :) and guess who dmd me abt “helping him out tonight” since i couldn’t yesterday lol

#sighs #vent post #tw #toxic relationships #sex stuff #just me letting #my bipolar bullshit self harm get to the best of me lol #anyways

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shoyoist · 2 years

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y'all i had such a nice day todayy <3 feeling so refreshed rn so i'll tell you guys abt it to share the good vibes hehe —

under the cut because it got a little long.

so as some of y'all might know because i've been complaining on dash, i had 7am classes today. and i'd pulled an all nighter last night for chemistry, so i was really tired when i showed up to class (o_o; )

was ready to sit alone in the corner, take my notes and do the worksheets and just go home without interacting with anyone.

but my friends were really glad to see me omg 😭💖 they told me they'd missed me so much (because i haven't been attending most of the revision sessions, since i prefer to do self study at home during exam sesson) and bought me cake and a drink, i felt so loved LMAO v_v <3

and at abt 12pm i picked my sister and two of her friends (they're our neighbors so when their parents get hung up at office i usually take them home w me and my sister) up from her school. one of them told me i looked thirsty (i was) and gave me some water, and i felt so touched 😭😭

when i got home i took a shower, had lunch and talked to my girlfriend on the phone for a bit before i took a nap. talking to her always makes me feel better hehe <3

then, i woke up at 4pm, took another shower and then i got to work. i did some chemistry and physics, but i got stuck on a chapter and was struggling so hard i wasted a lot of time on just a couple of questions ( t_t).

that always pisses me off, like when i don't understand something that ik i should and waste time trying to figure it out that makes me so mad. plus i don't really have TIME to waste on a single chapter but i couldn't just leave it behind without understanding it right? so i was just so upset about it.

around 7pm my brother called my phone (he's actually my cousin but he's rlly more like a brother to me) and he lives in the next city ok, so i wasn't expecting him to say he'd come over.

he's annoying as per usual for older brothers LMAO so i picked up his call like "what do you want :/" but he was like "hey i'm omw let's play valo together"

which surprised me because, "why can't we just play you don't need to come over? and besides i don't have time to play"

but he said he missed us and wanted to see us ;(( and when he showed up, i was still not done going through that one physics chapter. while he waited for me to be done, he took my laptop and adjusted all the settings to his liking (now that i think abt it i'll have to fix everything before i play NAWW) and played a couple of matches by himself 😭😭

then i was like "...dude what are you doing LMAO" like none of our family is on very good terms w eachother so i was just surprised that he showed up outta nowhere like this.

— and all of a sudden he was like "hey i brought my card w me you wanna go out for dinner?" and it was around 8pm, so i said it's too late, our youngest sister has school tomorrow too so we probably shouldn't. but he said that i seemed kinda stressed out, and that a walk outside and a nice dinner would do me good.

WHICH WAS TRUE BTW i've been mad stressed out these days, and i haven't had a break in forever. i knew that and i just felt like, ykw why not? so i agreed, and once we convinced my mom, the three of us (me, my brother and our youngest sister) went out.

except we only recently moved to this city so i didn't know any good places. and he was living in the other city so he didn't know either. we walked around for like an hour 💀💀

then we surrendered and went to a pizza place, it was already like 9:30pm by then and i knew our mom would be PISSED LMAO but we still went and got pizza and milkshakes. it was so nice fr like i felt really good.

he told me about work, and we vented to eachother a little on our separate family situations and all, and then we moved onto just talking abt random things that took our minds off our stress. realized halfway through that he needed this little walk out too.

we also went over to a bridge that's over a river near the area, because it's one of my favourite places to go to. it was hella dark and there were stoners and all around but my brother is a big guy (he's a gym rat like me, stands at 6'2) and so we weren't rlly abt to be bothered LMAO. watched the moon and just stood together in comfortable silence for a while, till we decided it was rlly time to go back home.

i could feel the pent up stress leaving me during the time we were out. and plus, i haven't let loose and had some good fun in a long time 😩

got back home at 11pm and my parents were MAD but that's okay we had fun!!

and yk, i just wanted to say 😭 if you find yourself working hard without room for a break or anything, if you're stuck between deadlines and tight schedules and all, sometimes all you need is a few hours out with your friends/family, a few hours to unwind and let loose.

it's okay to spare a few hours to take care of yourself. i'm feeling sm better and much better prepared to immerse myself into my work and actually understand and absorb what i'm going to revise and practise now.

it rlly helps!! some fresh air, some good food enjoyed w your loved ones and a few hours of fun with them, it fr fixes your whole mood.

and it's different from relaxing alone. trust me.

don't hesitate to reach out and take some time to relax and get together with people you love <3 it really makes a difference.

#☆༉ soliloqui.#AKGFH I TALKED SM #but anyway. yeah i just wanted to share <3

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obsessed-yan · 3 months

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a little vent ׂׂׂׂૢ་༘࿐

my "friend" (using quotes cuz honestly idk if i rlly consider him a friend anymore cuz of this coupled w past stuff thats happened) is being a total pos whiney asshole

what happened was, last week i noticed my debit card had transactions on it that i knew for a fact i didnt make. i contacted some1 from my bank to dispute the charges to get my money back; guy walked me thru it n i cancelled my card. few days later i seen a small amount refunded but knew it wasnt the full amount. friend n i had plans to go to target friday n maybe get smthn to eat, well bc of the stuff w my card i decided i just wanted to go into the bank n talk w someone irl so since i was off work early i asked if we cld go there first n hopefully get everything settled (he said ofc n i did for the most part, the charges started all the way back in april of 2023 which is wild to me that i didnt notice it until last week- i got part of my money back right away so thats good). after that we went to eat then to target (i wanted to go cuz of the cute honeypot i kept seeing on my tiktok fyp also got one ver of jungkooks album n a bts book anyway) i got very frustrated while we were at target so after i paid for my stuff there i was ready to go home.

then the next day at work one of my co-workers asked me how my date went n i said i didnt go on a date..? when i got home i msgd him n asked why said co-worker asked me that; it doesnt help that also that day 2 separate customers asked me abt my ex or made a comment abt how i shldntve broken up w my ex, its been almost 6 months get over it. why do u ppl care so much its none of ur business n also i got yelled at n cussed out by 2 other seperate customers but the date thing happened first n was the main thing that ruined my mood.

he said he thought it was one n asked her for advice. i said it wasnt it was just basically running errands n that i thought ive made it perfectly clear im not n nvr will be interested in him in that way, ever. boundaries were re-established as well that night.

then the next day (sunday) right once i get clocked into work one of my managers pulls me into our accting office to talk w me abt friend bc he called off for his shift n was crying. she knows he likes me n is basically obsessed w me but that i dont like him back n she knows weve been friends n hav talked together for a while now at this point but she asked for all the details that day. i told her as much as i cld b4 i was needed up front. she basically said that he was upset that i was upset abt what happened the night b4 n that he was jealous of one of my other friends n is worried for my safety bc of said other friend. my manager said shes worried abt me to but bc of him n said i shldnt talk to him for a while.

i confronted him abt that (not abt the jealousy of other friend part cuz i honestly forgot abt that bit until just now) he claimed that all he did was call off cuz his stomach hurt n he didnt know why our manager talked to me. he showed me some ss between him n the co-worker that asked me abt friday n i said i wasnt mad abt her knowing i was mad cuz she called it a date cuz u told her it was one when it wasnt n that i was also mad from our manager talking to me abt him. i told him not to talk to our manager abt what i told him and what did he do, he asks her abt smthn i said. like are u fucking an idiot wtf!?

then he said his plan was to leave me alone "until things die down" THERES NOTHINF THAT NEEDS TO DIE DOWN FUCKING MAN UP N HAV AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION W ME FOR ONCE WHERE U DONT TRY TO LIE OR PUT BLAME ON SOMEONE ELSE FOR SHIT U OBVIOUSLY DID and stop talking to other ppl abt me its weird!!!

im sick n tired of whenever smthn happens w him i get asked abt it like what happened w him, idfk n frankly idc

i am so fucking done w him n his bs. he can try to make me feel bad or get pity from me all he wants but im seriously just so over all this bullshit. im not talking to him anymore fuck u. last time he stopped talking to ME cuz of how much i liked 🍫 n i wld talk w him abt it cuz i didnt hav any1 else to, plus we were friends i thought it was ok. but he said i was "unsafe" for him to talk to. i told my manager abt that.

its just like, when were talking before like the first time, he did basically the same shit when my friends wld point out bad things hed say or do n he wld deflect then default to being a crybaby abt it. like ur in ur l8 20's at best, learn how to take responsibility for ur actions man!! like are u joking w me rn

think ill hav to cut it short for rn, im getting tired n cant think str8 lmao

#౨ৎ yan vents ౨ৎ

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dolciume · 4 months

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sober thoughts now on what i said last night while drunk high. i still think in a way i’ve lost a friend bc even when he goes back to his home country i still know what to expect now going forward

so they (my friend) don’t like to leave visiting bf at home bc their (friend’s) family is atrocious which i do understand (and that family has been bad to me too)

but i still feel rwordedly wounded harshly from venting and getting basically rejected… i did apologize and i also updated them twice my situation but i still feel like i shouldn’t have

and i shouldn’t invite them both out anymor for a while if i feel like this bc i don’t feel like i can talk to my friend alone anymore

which sets a precedent that going forward even when we’re alone again it means that when he’s around we aren’t going to rly talk alone even when on the phone or texting

of course i want my friend to be w this partner though, he isn’t a bad person, i just feel like i’ve lost my friend

and i know my feelings are not “valid”- hate that term to describe myself- because i am over reacting and being ridiculous. so i just should stay away because i’m going to continue to be like this

i just feel stupid really fucking stupid i vented abt smth serious in front of him. bc he didn’t wanna hear it and it’s my fault for being inconsiderate. i just usually tell my friend all of this and i trusted them the most with it but it’s still all my fault and i shouldn’t have brought it up again

i think i have to stay away and just not have many irl friends rn bc they always betray me when a partner comes around

like if i told my friend abt this they’d just feel bad and it wouldn’t matter and we’d all just feel bad then

so what’s the point

this happens a lot like a friendship becomes irreversibly worse when they try to force their partner into our two person friendship. i’m not saying i can’t have a bond w the partner i’m just saying

i’m just saying it’s my fault anyway and i’m the constant problem obviously

#diary #bpd

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ilovetobiko · 7 months

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last night i dreamt that joe and andy were family friends but still famous.. so they were over and andy was venting to me abt joe for some reason.. smth to do w dancing? and being gay? i called him a 🚬 but not in any malicious way... more like a bestie way. i couldnt process what i had done for hours after, i didnt think he knew what i meant in the moment. i tried to apologise but he was sleeping on the couch w joe. then i woke up... tonight? who knows..

i want to see andy and joe sleeping on my couch again though they looked c*te

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castle-dominion · 11 months

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4x4 kick the ballistics

I thought "this is going to be a plot heavy episode, probably caskett heavy bc it is going to be castle heavy" but then it was very ryan heavy & we learned some esposito stuff too. so so super excited for this ep. I really enjoyed it during my family watch. this i sprobs going to be the only episode I have time for today bc I'm going to spend so long on it & I really should only watch one today anyway. sjkdfakjsdfhdh excited

Gates killed those last two women (& attempted to kill another), not tyson. Y'all said his gf was safe bro! you did NOT say where gates was! That's why he asked! He didn't need to know abt his girl bc you already let him know she was fine! Also he may have been the 3xk all along but gates killed those girls! Also why didn't castle let ryan know what was going on? Tyson just hit him twice & ryan was done for! Got a concussion too. Not all concussions knock you out but all KOs give you concussions.

Mm cement, just like my daddy. Going to be a chopped up dead body in there. Little bro told me that bodies float in cement. Or yk maybe a whole body.

Yeah I still have scars that pull, not much anymore tho, it has been long enough. I actually thought she was like on her period at first or smth. What if the construction guys rinsed off the cement, would that have been easier? Ah buried her in the sand to make sure she was in there & wouldn't float. RC: Execution style murder, cement trucks…can anyone else say mob hit? I'm looking at concrete evidence right here.

Why did you use the ballistics favour you had today? Espt's shirt is interesting, looks more Ryan than Espt tho. Patterned (plaid or smth), dark, purple-ish I think, p neutral tho, collared, long sleeved. Badge around neck. Ryan is wearing typical ryan stuff. Jacket, shirt, tie, vest. Oof, parents lost their only child. You know, I can see the focus is in certain places in this ep, when I first watched it I didn't notice. Here their desks are back to back btw. Who sits across from espt & who sits across from ryan? find out WHEN she cancelled

there is not nearly enough cement in her hair Good, lanie said 12-midnight to specify it was night not noon. Oof, my christowitch heart. Maybe he didn't let her pray, maybe she just,,, was praying.

Good that becks started with "we didn't find drugs in her system" Good mom. He wouldn't meet my eye.

finnbar is a name? oh gosh i feel nauseous & in pain I just started my period today-ish. time to read that vent fic i wrote with ftm!ryan. Construction.

I love relationships that stay friends *doesn't say goodbye before hanging up* Do they have an intercom? ig she could tap on the glass just as well. Was she moving the computer to make room or bc she was angry? "my man finn" JE looks excited, KR looks bugged JE: w- hh- ? .. that's good news. KB: *looking at ryan*... KB: Ryan, it's a match to your old service weapon. & we've already seen the intro so we KNOW this is 3xk but they don't know it's related. "it's yours" it WAS yours, it is not yours anymore. the "it's" makes it sound like "is" which makes it sound like he killed her. The shock on his face. So good. & espt also looks upset, along with becks too ig. & then the intro is a different colour, this is a serious episode! The music is different! I love it!

This is a frickin gbeautiful scene, this is what it feels like to be off my meds. Man looks fricking angry Looks like he's going to court or smth. Where is he? Just standing outside the precinct? Why? What floor are y'all on? Also when did espt get here? Oof the music. What's with the timeline? He was in the observation room, then outside, then up again with gates.

"Castle was with you?" I don't care whose fault it is. All I care about it mitigating the damage. I really respect gates.

RC, he cares abt his friends, when ryan comes out of gates' office speedwalking: u ok? KR, being honest: I will be when Jerry Tyson's in cuffs. (meaning he is not ok rn but he ain't saying that.) Yeah the MO was weird to me KR, upset & making a joke that I find funny even tho the situation sucks: Yeah, must have mentioned that when I was out cold on the floor. RC: ... You know Ryan, none of this is your fault. The fact that he used your gun– KR, That weapon was issued to me by the city of New York. I let it out of my hand (he beat u up bro) and now a girl is dead. *sounding like he's going to cry* So please do not tell me that it's not my fault. Man could use a hug but wouldn't accept it. I'd expect this to ba a more castle centric episode since he was the one 3xk left alive "you failed to stop me, more ppl will die bc of you" yk that thing. I'm glad they made it ryan centric too. RN I actually feel like castle is blaming himself for ryan's upset.

multiple withdrawals bc she didn't want to raise attention...? RC: Or Tyson. He stalked his victims before he killed them. JE: KB: why are they just staring bro?

I like how this is castle centric too: It's like I've been holding my breath for a year waiting for this day to come. A whole year of wondering about him, hating him, dreaming about him, trying to think like him, but still having no clue how to catch him. MR, i love her: Your playacting once helped save New York City, as I recall. Be there for your friends. Stand beside them. Work together. That's plenty useful. Trust me.

I've seen this before, I'm p sure the boyf couldn't see her bc he was you-know-what

Holy crap that was a great scene. Whips the paper around, all three sitting behind espt, wow. who is "him" tho? idak & I've seen this before

Girl he said he didn't know Strapped meaning carrying a gun or strapped as in he's like wearing a chastity belt? 3am or pm? I like how beckett is in here with ryan. She's usually leading the investigations, but Ryan needs to be at the front.

& good, castlesito is out back in case ppl try to escape. Castle asks espt abt ryan <3 rysposito are such good friends. RC: So, how's Ryan holding up? JE: *considers what to say* JE, actually facing castle, smth men seem not to do: Three days after my last tour in Iraq, I'm at a diner with friends. A car backfires. My friends look around, I'm under the table. (cool, some esposito backstory too) RC: JE: . Ryan's just waiting for the next hit. *castle nods* ok but you know what I need a fic of that, I need the aftermath. What happens, he comes out from under the table all sheepish like "heheh, forget that happened" & casually orders eggs? What happened bro?

Weird how they are there in the mirror

Wait espt is driving, how does he have his gun pointing out the window? Hey wasn't ryan a narcotics cop? Also narcotics are technically only from opium products, not ALL drugs.

beckett's outfit is nice. She has a vest on over her shirt.

KR: Who's Ben Lee? SC: Who's Ben L --? Son of Clifford Lee. KR: *understanding face* JE: *looks at ryan bc espt does not understand* Mmm dim sum Ah yes, the immigrant parent. She's just some kid! She doesn't have any undercover exp! & ryan looks mad! (in a quiet way) SC: Twice a week she was in their house. I told her I would drop the possession charges if she brought me some solid intel on Lee's criminal operations. She said okay. And somehow she tipped them off and they killed her. KR: KR: *looks over at espt* KR: That is it? SC: I just handed you a solid lead, what do you want some more? What is this? KR: Yeah. How about the truth? KB, in obs room where ryan can't hear her: Come on, Ryan. Keep it together. KR: You expect us to believe that you work a case for years and then one lucky Saturday night you just happen to roll up on the perfect CI? *lower* See, I did my time in Narcotics, Carver, huh? I know a shortcut when I hear one. SC: Not you, Ryan. If I didn't know any better, I would think you were accusing me of something untoward. KR: *stands up* SC: Whoa, hey. KR: You targeted Jane Herzfeld. *JE looks slowly from ryan to carver* You planted those drugs in her car and then you made her help you out. *voice jumping* You-- you sent her in there alone! No back up, no protection, and now she's dead! SC, nice & calm: Yeah well, I didn't make her dead. KR: Hell, you didn't. You may have not pulled the trigger, but you're as guilty as the creep who did. *projecting* SC: What about you, man, hmm? Look at yourself. Word around the house is that that creep used your gun. (where tf did he learn that rumour?) What kind of cop can't keep a hold of his own weapon? *stands up* *ryan pushes him, then grabs him & pushes him against the wall* KR: What did you say to me huh? KB: Let's go. KR: Say it! Hey, I want you to say it! Say it to my KB: Break it up. *pulls ryan off him* Break it up. We're all cops here, okay? (thinking about castle) SC, keeping his eyes on ryan with only the occasional glance to the person he's speaking to: If you're done, I think I'll take my leave now. KB: Yeah. Thanks for your help, Carver. SC: You got it. (seth walks off & they all watch him leave, coincidentally ending up facing Ryan who ended up closest to the door. Ryan looks down a bit, still angry but probs ashamed. He sighs.) KB: What are you trying to do? You want the Captain to come in here? *ryan doesn't answer* Go cool off. *ryan walks out, placing his hand on the doorframe. Castle looks back at beckett & espt tilts his head* "go cool off" is at least a masculine way of saying "hey sweetie do you need to take a break?"

Ooh good scene with the coffee. [KR is making coffee, KB passes the sugar. Ryan nods thanks.] KB big sister moments: Guy's a jerk. [Ryan scoffs a laugh and nods.] KR: When I started in Narcotics, I was so green I--I didn't know how things got done. *chuckles* One day there was this major bust, street gang cooking meth. They were stacking up guys in the bullpen, taking their statements one by one. Place is a zoo. I'm answering phones in the squad. Girl on the line, name of Alicia, asking for my lieutenant, so I call out across the bullpen "Hey, Lieu! Alisha's on the phone for ya." [Beckett chuckles.] KR: It was her tip got these guys nailed and all of them just heard me call out her name. *beckett stops smiling at his silly little mistake bc she realizes how serious this silly mistake was* Searched all day and all night looking for her before the gang could get word back to the street that she was a nark. KB: Well, did you find her? KR: I did. I got her into Witness Protection, but…that was the stupidest thing I'd ever *laughs* done as a cop. [Beckett smiles and shakes her head.] KR: Until the day Jerry Tyson got the drop on me and stole my weapon. KB: KR, looking mad again: Carver is a jerk…but he's got a point. (except it wasn't you being stupid it was someone beating u up, which, idk if that's any better.) & yk what, mature of him to admit that a jerk has a point. KB, softly: Come on. *points with her head* My knowledge of where things are sucks. I see them coming out of the break room but idk where it is. I need a floor plan.

I love getting a bit of ryan history. I also like his voice here. There is a significant amount of vocal fry, which usually happens at the end of speaking or when getting quieter. He's tired.

KB, probs cheering him up by taking him around: You up for a trip to Chinatown? KR, serious: Hell yeah. JE, probs also trying to include his friend, besides, ryan always is with espt: Yo. Uniforms at Grand Central caught a break. They found a clerk who works at a mailbox center around the corner who says he rented a box to Jane on the day she died. I'm gonna go check it out. You want to roll with me? KR, with his big sister: No, I'm with Beckett.

KB: Wading through 4 years of prison records it's…a lot of work. RC, the man who tails sexy beckett & skips out on paperwork: I don't mind. bc he feels guilty & also wants to help his friend

Love chinatown

*focuses on That Guy's face for a sec* *they sit down* clifford (retroactively): please, sit Wow boys lookin real tiktok-like & this is in what 2012? Bad cop, ryan was right. Unless cliff is lying. Philip being vocal. You REALLY ruled out carver? wow acab. Ur household staff is on ur payroll u'r mafia ofc they can confirm ur alibi. Say thank you, pigs!

Lots of files castle bringing home Girl u'r going to go to college shut up again with the not really. I love when the b plot comes in.

did ryan change his shirt today? JE: She was looking to get out of town, but she wasn't going alone Ah the good old days when your doctor makes you go to the desert or the seaside, "you're dying & the only cure is a vacation" I mean like we need to start doing that again. My mom: prescription label? The bottle: *actually doesn't have one* you can TELL he's too tall for the clothes? That would be a weapon <3 nice transition.

wait different clothes, castle's already home, it must have transitioned to the next day lil bro: rhyming. Guy, alibi, lie

KB: Castle, we just got some bad news, so no hypotheticals. Just give us a name. RC: Well, I have to start at the beginning-- KB: Name. RC: Jin Hai Li Chang. KB+KR: ? KB: Okay, start from the beginning. RC: Thank you. So I realized last night, 3XK would never give a cop's gun to a friend. A--a gun that hot would be a--a curse, not a blessing, but he would give it to an enemy. Oh yeah, where I live all the chinese kids have their english name legally there as well as their chinese name legally there. Tyson is insane. KR: But...Philip and Tyson were sworn enemies. Why would Philip accept the gun? RC: The two eventually became friends. KB: It happens. (boys) RC: Not with Jerry Tyson. That guy doesn't have any friends. He's a psychopath. He wanted payback and he was willing to wait. So insane.

student tutor is nit romeo & juliet, informant gang is romeo juliet, student teacher is fanfiction Why is espt talking but the cam is in ryan? I get it this is a ryan centric ep but I want to lipread

Ryan *all philosophical*

FM: You here to let me out? KR, sleeves rolled up: Not to let you out, Finn. To set you free. FM: (scoffs/laughs) You cops, man. What's that supposed to mean? "Set me free"? KR, sitting down chill: The truth, Finn. The truth sets you free. (all catholic-like) I've been looking for it all night. I finally found it. Who knew the truth would be hiding in a juvie report from 1996? *crosses legs* You got grabbed up moving paper for a Chinatown bookie. Do you remember who bailed you out? Hmm? Clifford Lee. You've been working for the Lees for years. Little jobs, because, well, Finn, let's face it, you're kind of a screw up. But you wanted more. So when you found out Ben Lee needed a tutor, you recommended your ex, Jane, thinking it would earn you points with the family. And you watched it all go sideways. Jane and Ben fell in love, *sits up* decided to leave town. You thought, what if the family blamed you? (I thought he DID kill her actually) Because no one leaves the family business. Not even for love. So, you tried to make her change her mind, *stands up* and you fought, but you couldn't change her mind. So, you made a call to Philip, and then Philip went and got Jane. [Ryan slams the evidence bag with Jane's cross necklace against the cell gate.] KR: Remember this, Finn? I talked to her mother. *Finn has started to cry* She says you gave this cross to Jane on her 21st birthday. She was holding it when she died. For comfort. Because she knew she was gonna die. She was so afraid. Oof my folk catholic heart, this hurts so good.

The staring contest between ryan & philip WOAH LOOK AT THOSE TWO FACE TO FACE SO CLOSE STANDING LIKE THAT DANG

I mean yeah, keep the heat on you might get smth, but they might sue bc u r harrassing them. Ryan lower your voice when talking to your boss like that VG, calmly: Take the rest of the day off, Ryan. I've actually been thinking for a while that Ryan should not be on this case. *ryan stalks off real fast* VG, while he's out the door: You need to clear your head! (he does.) JE: *looks at her then also stalks out* *castle follows* KB: *uses two fingers to sassily close the door behind her*

*they all sit for a sec bc nobody knows how to proceed* *Ryan grabs his gun & coat & whatever from his desk and walks off* JE: Where're you going? KR: I'm gonna do just like the Captain said, take the rest of the day off. *flips his keys in his hands* KB: JE: *follows ryan*

This scene reminds me of when espt went with Ike & ryan followed him. It's just like that moment. JE: Hey. Wherever you're going, I'm going with you. KR: It's my fight. JE: And you don't want me getting involved. It's my case, too. And you're my partner. (<3 <3 <3) KR: I'm taking a run at Ben Lee. JE: The Lees will have him locked down. I'm betting his old man won't let him go out in public alone. KR: Then I guess we can't go in there looking like cops.

Oh my

[Ben Lee does his homework, watched by the bouncer/bodyguard from the dim sum. Esposito comes in dressed like the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.]

(tho college does have ppl of all ages) JE: Oh, snap! Is that Philip? JE: Yo, what's good, son? I ain't seen you in a minute. Man, how've you been? BL: He thinks I'm my brother. STUDIERS: Shh! Quiet. BL: Happens with the Gwailo. JE: What's up? BODYGUARD: Move along. JE: Man, why you touching up on me? Hey, man, you better check your totem. Hey, Philip, tell them that we boys. Tell your boy, Thor, that we boys. BODYGUARD: Go outside. You can call Philip on his cell later. [The bodyguard casually wrestles Esposito out of the library.] JE: Philip, tell him! You've changed, Philip.

Ok so a note on the costumes: in lotr & the hobbit they dressed ppl up in costumes that made them look shorter, the actors weren't actually THAT short, but their clothes created that illusion. This is what is going on here

& while espt looked insane, ryan looks somewhat normal. What's up with his hair tho? Ryan puts the pic in his pocket oof

KB: What the hell were you two thinking, going to see Ben Lee when Gates specifically said "stay away"? (gates DID say to stay away bro) JE: Who's gonna tell her, Beckett? Not me. Ryan, are you planning on telling the Captain what we did? KR: Not me. Castle? RC: Who, me? No way. *while taking a photo of them dressed up like that XD* KB: Nice, smartass. My question is, why did they go to the precinct dressed like THAT? also where did they get these outfits? I can see that Ryan would have this stuff but espt looks insane. If u didn't want gates to find out, don't come back looking like... that & then gates comes out like "detective ryan there's someone here ot see you" meaning she knows he's here & she sees him looking like this & knows ben has asked to see him.

Remember that time that girl on tumblr was like watching a movie with a sexy guy in it & she clenched her jaw so hard she had to see the dentist? Yeah that's how I feel.

Ryan's got a tshirt on, I ain't ever seen him like that. Ben just has a folding table in the middle there to study at? wtf bro? tbh I understand Philip: Sometimes it's a gift, not knowing the truth. RC: Ben was supposed to lead Philip to a confession, not force a confrontation. Well he knows how the mob works this is the way to get it No philip KNOWS to dance around it & he knows it's right wow that's a heck of a threat ... & it tipped philip off The music is great btw, who's the composer?wair wati wait philip just pulled a gun on his own bro? (tho he didn't seem to take the safety off or bring up the bullet) Bruh he put his hands behind his back so u could cuff him, you throw him to the ground like that? WOAH BEN PULLED A GUN I like how philip still cries "ben no" when ben gets shot. Still cares When do you do chest compressions? I just looked it up. The internet is great. "If they do have a pulse but aren't breathing, give them CPR (cardiopulmonary resuscitation) until help arrives." I thought you only gave chest compressions if they had no pulse. "If there is no pulse or breathing within 10 seconds, begin chest compressions." I thought that there was smth LIKE cpr but just for breathing.

Castle's smile... Poor guy, his deal he wants 15-25? Wow that's usually smth ppl try to get OUT of KB: with parole in 10 for giving us Tyson's new alias and I need to give the D.A. a recommendation. This might be our chance to get 3XK, Castle. RC being smart: No. It's a setup. Jerry Tyson gave that gun to Philip Lee knowing he would use it, so there's a good chance he knew we'd eventually get to Philip. KB: Maybe. So what? RC: So, nothing Tyson told Philip would be the truth. Giving Philip Lee a good deal for bad information? That's just another win for Jerry Tyson. KB: Are you sure? RC: Sure enough. Jane Herzfeld deserves justice. *gets up*Life in prison for Philip Lee. No deals. We'll get 3XK. And we'll do it right. KB: KB, smiling: Damn, Castle. Look at you, thinking like a real cop.

KR & JE are taking down the murder board. JE watches KR.

KB: Hey, guys? Hey, you could look a little happier. Today was a win, right? (except ryan said he would be ok ONCE THEY GOT 3XK IN CUFFS.) KR: Well, I keep thinking about Seth Carver, sending Jane into the Lee's all alone, no backup. Do I really get to call myself a better cop? RC: You are a better cop, Kevin. (OOF THE FIRST NAMES) You're a better man, because you didn't send him in there alone. JE: Hey, there's your boy. [Ryan turns around to see Ben Lee escorted in by a Witness Protection officer.] KR: Ben. Good to see you back on your feet. JE: Hey, that was a pretty impressive performance back there. RC: Yes, you have a future in stunt work, my friend. (So HOW MUCH of that was a performance?) KR: Guys, this is Marshall Mike Drooen from Witness Protection. He's escorting Ben to his new home in Los Angeles. MIKE DROOEN (nods): Detectives. Ben, your plane leaves in an hour. BL: Thanks. I…just need a minute. [The others give Ben and Ryan some space.] BL: Thank you. I wouldn't have had the courage to do what I did without you. KR: Well you have your life back now. Live it on your own terms. It's what she wanted. [Ryan hands Ben a picture of live Jane. Ben leaves.]

Castle: *clears his throat loudly while preparing drinks* RC: Let's, uh… keep this party a little quiet though, alright? If the Captain hears, I'm sure she'll blame me. KB: Who's gonna tell her? Not me. You? JE: Nope. KB:And what about you, Ryan? KR: Mm-mm. KB: Well then, I think we're good.

Bro they already made a toast Mum guessed this was his wedding speech. To bravery and commitment. To love and sacrifice.

#mom no look #castle 4x4 #castle 4x4 spoilers #plot heavy #kevin ryan centric #castle 4x4 quote #the second 3xk episode

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