#i went on a rant there but I'm not sorry

[buggachat]

To be clear, I goddamn hated the finale on first watch. I was withering in my seat. My heart had dropped to my stomach. I had no fucking idea what I was watching in that final scene lmao

and then Adrien said "when Ladybug gave me the rings—" and I was like— wait. LADYBUG? LADYBUG STILL EXISTS?

I THOUGHT THE ENTIRE TIMELINE HAD BEEN REWRITTEN 😭😭😭😭 I THOUGHT LADYBUG AND CHATN OIR DIDNT UFCKING EXIST uNTIL ADRIEN SAID THAT I WAS SO SO SO SCARED

and then I realized, oh wait. This isn't a complete utopian timeline rewrite. This is just a timeskip of a few months and Mme Bustier is just a kickass mayor. In fact, she's only mayor BECAUSE it's still the same timeline. And then I realized, hey, wait, if they didn't rewrite the timeline, then how tf is Emilie casually there with no questions?

And then I realized she was wearing black. And Félix was there. And I remembered Amelie exists.

Basically, I went into the finale chanting to myself "it's okay, it's okay... they probably wont bring Emilie back... they probably won't rewrite the entire timeline permanently.... right? please....", even though I didn't actually expect it to happen, but just because I was terrified that it could. And apparently that fear actually got to me so much that I misinterpreted the episode as being everything I didn't want it to be... when... it actually wasn't that at all

anyway, all of this is to say, everything in the episode happens so fast that it confused and terrified me at first. And when I realized what had happened, my opinion went from "my year is ruined" to "oh. well. okay. kind of disappointing, I guess". And then I kept thinking about it, and the ending, and all that is set up and rewatching the scenes and all the loose ends still in place and.... i realized I loved it?

like, every time I think about this finale, I love it more. every time i rewatch a scene, I get a little obsessed. this episode went from my nightmare to actually really really cool to me, and I'm still kind of reeling from it

Basically, this is why I've been kind of passionately defending the finale— not because I think people who don't like it are """dumb""" or anything, I don't blame people at all for that, and I totally get the confusion. I was confused too. And I know I'm not the only one who went in preparing themselves for the worst, or went in with very specific expectation on what will happen, because this finale has been long awaited for so long. I think everyone was shocked with how it ended. I think most people probably startled at Amelie's face (it's so easy to forget she exists....)

Anyways, I started this post basically as an apology for if I seem too aggressive or defensive about the finale. Because I get it! I get hating it! I get being disappointed or frustrated or confused! Part of why I'm so defensive is because I have all the arguments so ready on the tip of my tongue because I had the very same argument with myself already 😭 So I'm sorry if any of my posts came off as too aggressive and in advance for any future posts that might. I promise promise promise I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad for having bad opinions on the finale! I just think this episode is really cool and the fact I related to a lot of the nay-sayers makes it easy to feel so impassioned about it.

But this post is getting off the rails and I'm just gonna let it, because some of my regrets w my participation in fandom is that I find myself chickening out of actually talking about my thoughts on episodes a lot. I get kind of overwhelmed and overthink everything after I've posted it and I'm a shy person. But my inbox is closed and this is the season 5 finale and I want to ramble and ramble so I will allow myself this

Basically, I went in with some very specific expectations for this episode. We all know about the Hawkmoth defeat story. Many of us have read it in fics over and over again, it was teased in Chat Blanc, we all know what we expect, we all know our favorite beats from it.

And what actually happened....... met virtually none of those beats. (For me, at least).

Like, Adrien wasn't there for the final episode. At all. He was completely absent from the confrontation. He never found out his father was Hawkmoth. He got his rings, but he never found out he was a sentimonster. He is living in the dark.

Ladybug confronted Monarch... alone. Which is sad, when so much of the series is dedicated to the partnership of her and Chat Noir. Them against the world....... and Monarch was "defeated" with nary a Chat Noir in sight.

The whole entire "Gabriel is known as a hero" thing. I don't think anybody was expecting that. Absolutely shocking.

The fact Marinette would lie to Adrien like that. The fact she's keeping so much from him. The fact everyone is. SO MANY people in Adrien's life (Marinette, Plagg, Nathalie, Felix, Amelie, Kagami, probably Alya, maybe more I'm not thinking of....) are just... lying to him, now. He is so in the dark. He knows nothing.

But.........

I kind of like that I didn't predict nearly any of this. I like that it caught me off guard. I love how this show just completely baffles me at every turn, how it will present concepts and ideas to me that I've never read a fic about.

In retrospect, Chat Noir being absent from the final battle... makes sense. It actually makes a lot of sense, if I think about it, because... there is only one possible way that could've gone, right? Chat Noir would not be allowed to have the emotional implosion that he would have to have. This is devastating. This is SO devastating. This is the entire shattering of Adrien's entire world we're talking about, and Chat Blanc is the only real way for that to end. Adrien has an emotional implosion in front of Monarch, he gets akumatized, it turns into an emotion explosion, extinction event. The end. We've already seen it.

And........ even if it didn't end that way, even if he managed to avoid akumatization...... how could the finale satisfyingly end on that note? How could it end in any semblance of a "wrapped up" way, at the very start of Adrien's emotional breakdown? It couldn't. I wouldn't WANT it to. In retrospect, Adrien finding out his dad is Monarch and then.... what? The season ends on a close-up of him crying? The season ends with a time-skip to the new school year where they skipped his entire grieving period!? I would HATE that, actually. I would hate that. I thought I wanted it, but I would hate it. I would hate it so so so much.

What's kind of amazing is that the finale ended with Monarch being defeated.... but Adrien still has those realizations to make. He still has those betrayals to come to terms with. There is time for him to make these realizations, for him to come to these conclusions, perhaps one at a time, perhaps in a more controlled environment.... and that gets me far, far more excited for the seasons to come than an episode that tried to wrap it all up in the last 5 minutes.

Also, the reason Adrien didn't go to the final battle was because he feared becoming Chat Blanc. He didn't know the truth to it, didn't understand that literally, yes, that's what would have happened if he was there, even if he hadn't been under a nightmare curse. But he still knew. He still expected it. He willingly chose to sit it out, no matter how much he hated it, because he knew. And there's something kind of powerful to that, I think, of Adrien making a choice that is so unequivocally the Correct choice, even more than he realized. And the strength it took for him to make that decision...... damn.

As for the lies and the Gabriel statue? I... it's upsetting, but it's supposed to be. And I believe it. I absolutely believe it. I 10000% believe Marinette would keep the secret of Monarch's identity to herself to try to save Adrien the pain. I 10000% believe that the population could easily be led to believe a famous billionaire is a hero. I 10000% believe that Adrien would WANT to believe it. I 10000% believe Tomoe would take advantage of it.

And I can't wait to see that illusion crumble.

Also.... this is the beginning of The Lila arc.

And the Lila arc begins on........ Marinette telling the biggest, boldest face lie she ever told. The Lila arc begins on the most extreme city-wide illusion we've ever seen. It begins on such a huge fabrication and....

..... it's Marinette's lie.

............ and Lila knows that it's a lie.

I'm

!!?!?!?!

This is so fucking cool???? The irony here??? the deceit???? All these loose ends, all the possible confrontations, all the ways this could GO. I don't know where the show is taking this, obviously, because nobody ever can predict where this show is going apparently (and I love it for that), but oh my god. I'm imagining all the fics I could read about this. all the fics I could write. all the thoughts and scenarios that this finale has provided me with to daydream about as I go to sleep.

Adrien, going through the motions of life. Looking up to his father as a hero, despite the fact the last time he saw him, Adrien was sobbing, in tears, and cursing his name. Adrien, after all the abuse he was subject to, having to look up at a statue of his father and...... be forced to think that maybe he was wrong about his father. But he's not wrong. He WASN'T wrong. He just THINKS that he is. His father is going to continue to loom over his life in ways I never expected post-hawkmoth. Adrien's relationship with Gabriel has not ended, a new and terrifying and horrible new chapter of it has simply begun, and Adrien is still as manipulated by his father's ghost as he was by his father himself.

THAT'S. WILD!!!

also, Adrien now believes that MONARCH MURDERED HIS FATHER. Chat Noir now believes that his greatest nemesis KILLED HIS FATHER. CHAT NOIR, resident self-sacrificer, believes that HIS FATHER was a HERO who DIED FIGHTING MONARCH. Adrien thinks that maybe he should be more like his father— more like his father who died in battle. This is. Not Good. For Adrien.

And it's Marinette that started this. Well intentioned Marinette, who doesn't really understand the extent of the horrors. Marinette, Adrien's girlfriend, the person he trusts most. She did this.

And, I mean.... god. I totally get how this sucks for a lot of people, because it's objectively upsetting.... but I LOVE lovesquare tension. Season 4 is probably my favorite season for that reason alone (still mulling over if season 5 beat it for me). I love the relationship drama, I love that it's in character drama, I love how it fits everything we know about them sososo well, I love that it's horrible and it's terrible and it's awful and it's all because Marinette loved Adrien too much to want to hurt him.

I was worried no reveal would mean that season 6 would just be... what? adrienette fluff? not that I don't love that, but where's the drama? well. there it is. that's the drama.

I need to stop typing this. I know this is abysmally long and ranty and if you read all of this then I'm sorry. But I wanted to get some of my thoughts out.

But basically, I was expecting a lot of things for the finale.

In my best case scenario, it would somehow, miraculously tie up and address all the loose ends with Adrien's angst and character arc in two episodes.... and then end with me totally satisfied, ready to only half-heartedly watch season 6 like it was just a small dessert after the main course.

And I already described my worst case scenario (my first impression of the episode lmao)

But it wasn't that. I was expecting a series finale, but I got a season finale. And I love season finales. I love how they keep me wanting more. I love how excited I am for season 6, because in both my best and worst case scenarios, I honestly didn't expect to be. I love all the new ideas and thoughts and scenarios swirling around in my brain. And even if season 6 doesn't address some of the things I want addressed, I'm so excited to see the creative content in this fandom that DOES

#ml spoilers #ml s5 spoilers #ml s5 finale spoilers #ml re-creation #ml recreation #recreation spoilers #re-creation spoilers #I am SO SO SO SORRY that htis rant went OFF and I just rambled and rambled and I'm sure nobody will read this. however #sometimes I want to be silly. and my silly moment is rambling about my favorite show into the void on my tumblr #im not proof reading this so im so sorry if it's. um. all over the place and riddled w typos 😭 im vibing im vibing

[job-ross-the-second]

OK so one thing that pisses me of about batfam fanfic is when they write Damian speaking Arabic and like I know the people who write the fanfic most likely don't speak Arabic but as an Arab person I'm gonna help you guys cause I'm so nice first you only say akhi IF you are saying my brother and are talking to said brother like you can't write akhi if your thinking also akh is brother while akhi is MY brother also most people don't say akhi unless they are joking or like they and akhi is like the formal Arabic and depending on the dialect it would be saud differently like personally we say akhoy and we don't call our siblings brother and sister unironically. do you know what is a word we Arab people use a lot 'Ya' this is basically the Arabic version of yo it's like used to call sort-of like hey and if you say akhi you could most like say ya before it also you could say y'akhi in place of goddamnit but for small stuff and when you're talking to someone or if like someone told you bad news you could be like "y'akhi, tell me you're lying". the word yalla is also used a lot it basically means c'mon or coming or hurry up and im so used to saying this word that sometimes I say it in front of non Arabs and they'd get so confused and then I remember like oh not everyone uses this word also habibi is masc. While habibti is fem. And pls remember that Arabic has so many fem. And masc. Words anyways that's basically it and if you have any questions just ask and I'll try my best to answer

#I'm sorry for LOWKEY ranting #But um yeah I'm always happy o help anyone with their Arabic #job rants #Dc #batfam #Batfamily #Damian Wayne #damian al ghul #Jason todd #Arabic #Arabic is hard #I was half asleep when writing it so I just went over it and like quickly corrected shit to make it king of make sense

[ameiniateria]

consistently I'm a little annoyed about the rift between c!Tommy and c!Dream fans in this fandom. like I like your guy too! I think he's great! actually, I think our guys have a lot in common! I'd love to see your take on this really messy, complicated relationship!

oh wait you think c!Dream is a pure evil, completely heartless villain that exists to do nothing but torment c!Tommy, who is of course a sweet innocent uwu baby who did absolutely nothing wrong, and therefore deserves to be murdered twice, imprisoned, isolated, starved, and tortured with no control over his own autonomy (but prison was actually way better than exile, which was the worst thing that ever happened to anyone on the dsmp. obviously. because c!Tommy tried to kill himself. yeah. don't think about c!Dream walking into a wall of lava and burning himself to death multiple times because he was so incredibly desperate for human connection. that was to escape, right? c!Dream couldn't possibly feel real emotions -- that would mean he's a person that -- oh no -- deserves compassion despite the terrible things he did. oh no -- that would make him -- gasp -- a lot like c!Tommy!) and actually he deserved more than that. he was never actually punished. c!Dream always won (citation needed).

also, c!Tommy was a child. do I have to say that again. well, I will anyway. c!Tommy was a child. c!Tommy was a child. c!Tommy was a child.

great.

#discourse #dreblr #c!discduo #to clarify I don't think c!Tommy deserved exile #obviously #no one deserves to be manipulated and abused and bullied #I don't think anyone actually thinks that exile was a good thing #to be fair #it's a really annoying strawman but people keep bringing it up #c!Tommy went through some pretty horrific shit! #but so did c!Dream #there is no law on the dsmp #if you're mad at c!Dream because he blew up L'Manberg -- good for you #in the nicest way possible I do not care #doomsday was not a crime #no one even died #DOOMSDAY WAS NOTHING MORE THAN PROPERTY DAMAGE #what would you call c!Tommy griefing c!George's house again? #sorry for ranting #I'm just tired of not being able to follow like any c!tommy apologist blogs because they have inevitably posted #super rancid takes about c! and cc!dream #why is c!discduo discourse such a mess #why can't we be friends #I don't want to argue with any post directly because I think that's rude #but I wish we could have lore discussions in good faith and actually learn about each others' favorite characters #without accusing each other of being abuse apologists or whatever #I know I came off as kinda mean here #I'm sorry #no one's going to read this anyway #I'm just sensitive and this is frustrating

[synthshenanigans]

BRO

Im crying

#juno shot at the sun with a fuckin squiffer #i went to go hit the fresh button back at them & i saw their locker changed #10/10 i love to see it #if you see this you have gr8 locker artist skills #also that I'm sorry i was so bad tonight PFFT #This morning i was doin clam blitz & had like a baseline of like 10-15 kills #& tonight i was struggling to get like THREE #they were very kind tho & had the most encouraging booyahs. nice to have even when im getting sniped in the back of the head :} #however ended on a high note being back to 10 kills & we won the match #ALSO I S RANKED TODAY very happy with myself #moving up in the world #okay okay ill shut up now. im tired so i rant a lot aight let me have this #chonny jash #moss post #KJ rants too much again

[butmakeitgayblog]

Sometimes i think about Clexa being so soft just hugging, eyes closed and swaying slowly side to side 🥹

Ya know that's something I've thought a lot about and maybe it's a side note but I'm gonna rant on it.

I tend to find a lot of canon fics write Lexa as this standoffish person, not very affectionate or openly giving of acts of touch, but I say look at the facts here.

Lexa was an extremely expressive person in non-verbal ways. She was so very obviously a women of "actions speak louder than words." And when you take that into consideration, let's look at how she conducted herself around Clarke.

First of all, the girl was always putting herself in Clarke's space. And I'm not talking general vicinity, I'm talking

fuckin literally in her space. Like,,, if someone stood that close to me in line I'd have to drop a "bitch give me two feet. Damn 😒" on em. She liked to get close.

Second, where I think sometimes the crossed wires come from with Lexa's character and how she shows emotion is that they're taking how Lexa acts as the commander and applying it to how she is on a personal level. But in my opinion, I think that doesn't do her justice. Because you have to remember, the majority of her time on s2 was spent with her dealing with the fact that Clarke was angry with her. She was trying to be respectful of Clarke's wishes for distance, thus bottling up her emotions for Clarke's comfort. But even still, even with all that, it still bled through.

God bless her, but the girl

Was not very good

At holding back her desire

And more than that, Lexa very much welcomed Clarke's touch

(Nice move for the thigh there wanheda ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) )

She never shied away from it or seemed to do anything other than soak it up.

And from the start!

Lexa!

Initiated!

Contact!

She pushed for kisses and she pushed to be closer. She was the one who tipped the tension between them into the romantic arena. She showed physical and emotional intimacy time and again with Clarke, from being willing to take a damn nap with Clarke in her tent to bowing at her feet when the commander bows before no one. She took Clarke's hand and held it and accepted that comfort that Clarke offered, freely. She even trusted Clarke with a damn blade pressed to her neck for God's sake. She was never ever wary of letting Clarke touch her, even when she herself was working to hold back her desire to touch. And when they finally made love it was Lexa who pulled Clarke to her bed and guided her down into a kiss. Clarke may have initiated the kiss because Lexa wouldn't have over stepped the boundary Clarke laid down, but I'll be damned if Lexa didn't immediately go for gold after 🤷‍♀️

My point through all of this is that yes, I believe without a doubt that if they'd been allowed to be together longer, they would've been such an intensely affectionate couple in their own ways. With Clarke, who is a demonstrative person at her core and whose love language is visibly touch, and Lexa, who shows her love in small, subtle ways because she's so used to having it smacked away or buried under obligation and tradition, you'd have this couple who in the safety of each other would allow themselves a chance to just be soft. To touch and comfort and soothe. To breathe each other in and just be Clarke and Lexa, not Commander snd Wanheda. I think they would've fallen asleep in each other's arms and hugged most mornings before going their separate ways. I think it would've been entirely normal for Clarke to hug Lexa from behind as Lexa looked out from her balcony over Polis. And I don't think Lexa would've been shy in her appreciation of Clarke's affection, nor in returning her own.

There's a reason why everyone knew of their feelings for each other and why not once did Lexa deny it even when confronted about it. In reality, she doubled down on it by kicking a clan member off the tower and inviting Clarke to stay despite the kill order. Both pretty brazen when you think about it.

If given the chance they both would've been all in and you'll never convince me otherwise.

Indra wouldn't have known a moment's peace 😔

#clexa #lexa kom trikru #clarke griffin #anon #anyway rant over sorry that went wild 🥴 #i don't feel like I even need to explain Clarke because I mean she hugged everyone #the girl is naturally a hugger she would hug a tree under the right circumstances I'm convinced of it #but Lexa is the tricky spot in this fandom and idk I just feel she gets a raw deal when it comes to being affectionate #the girl was very affectionate /when she wasn't being just Heda/ #and together I think they would've driven Indra even more fucking insane

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

if dorian didn't show up, do you think louis would have shot minnie?

I do. I know some people think either he wouldn't have or he would've missed so that's why the writers had him shoot Dorian instead, but mmmmmm no, I don't personally think so. I like to think that if he had taken the shot, his shaky hands would've caused him to shoot her fatally.

Mostly because I'm already so normal about the fact that of the Ericson crew, Marlon and Louis are the only ones with a body count. Well, that we know of, but shown to us in the game, at least. Plus, we know it's Louis' first kill.

Like yeah, Clementine and AJ become part of the crew and they have bigger body counts, and if we're counting indirect kills caused by actions, then Tenn has a count... and I guess everyone has blood on their hands for blowing up the boat... but I'm talking about killed directly with a weapon like....... I lied, I'm not normal about that at all, Louis and Marlon are the ones who have killed someone in Louis' route. I'm also not normal about the fact that Louis kills Dorian and then even as he's clearly in shock, he tries to go with Clementine to get AJ, and then later on when they talk about it, he says it feels like bile but not quite and he's glad he has it in him to do it.... listen, listen, listen... I'm obsessed with that.

Anyway, so if Louis shot Minerva, I think he would've accidentally killed her and can you imagine? He's already enough of a mess after killing the woman who pinned him down and tried to cut his finger off [or succeeded] but he knew Minerva, they were friends before the twins were taken. Even Violet couldn't kill her even though that would've been the smarter thing to do, and we know thanks to meta knowledge that killing her would've saved lives, but Violet couldn't, and I don't think Louis would intentionally either.

Speaking of Violet, if Louis killed Minerva, I hate to think about what that would've done to Vi. I think she might've actually left at that point, like what was planned before it got changed to her being burned. I don't think she would've attacked Louis over it, though, like yeah she attacked Clementine in the cell but Louis? I don't know, but I don't think so just because it's Louis and he'd be a mess about it anyway.

Though if he did kill her, it would be a neat parallel to draw... y'know, because Louis forgave AJ for killing Marlon even though he was pissed and heartbroken, and Violet was annoyed with him the entire time... but could she ever forgive Louis for killing Minerva? Y'know? We already have a similar parallel with AJ shooting Tenn, but still.

If Clementine killed Minerva in that moment, though, then I could see Violet attacking her since in her eyes, Clem proved her right.

So yeah, I get why they added the Dorian kill to his route. It adds another compelling element to Louis as a character, but we also need Minerva alive for episode 4; Louis can't kill her, he can't miss, and he's not going to stay with her because we need Violet to stay on the boat and him to be on shore for all routes.

#asks #twdg louis #twdg minerva #twdg clementine #twdg violet #twdg marlon #twdg tenn #honestly whenever i see someone say louis is the boring option i'm just like '.......that's your opinion but also how can you say that??' #then again i'm sure other people look at me saying violentine just isn't for me and they say the same thing so y'know... i can't talk haha #also time is such a weird thing because i look at the entire cell scene in louis' route and like... i'm not even mad about violet anymore #like yeah i still don't believe she was brainwashed like i'm sorry y'all only believe that because kent said something about it #not because there's all this evidence toward it in game like vi being pissed at clementine makes sense she doesn't need to be brainwashed #for it to work like her being vulnerable and easily manipulated into submission makes perfect sense especially with minerva there #it's like everyone was pissed that she attacked clementine and people needed a way to excuse it so it's not violet's fault when like... #that's literally what makes it interesting like calm down it's okay if violet is pissed and scared and behaves accordingly #also my controversial opinion of the day that i'll hide here in the tags so maybe people won't find it sksksk but #I personally find the concept of vinerva and the doomed tragedy of it more compelling than anything violentine did #like i'll defend violentine and i do believe it's an important and good ship it's just not my personal favorite #anyway but then the whole thing with lilly and minerva is so good and louis screaming FUCK YOU at minerva?? amazing love it so good #i love when the soft character who never chooses violence is so pissed off that all that anger they have boils to the surface and it's raw #like... he's SO mad he's SO furious he's SOOO UPSET like he wasn't even like this when marlon died or anything like he hit his limit #and then shooting dorian through the mouth while an accident is just well done i love it and i love his reaction of mortification #and apologizing and YET he still tries to go with clementine he's trembling and can barely string together a sentence but he wants to go #he wants to help her he wants to save aj THAT is the gut reaction he has after everything that just went down #'louis isn't loyal or good for clem because of the vote' babe tell me you don't understand any nuance of louis' character without telling m #it's fine IT'S FINE you don't have to agree and i just have to remind myself that it's fine not everyone likes louis we're okay #this drives me crazy in the best way like y'know what? i love the cells scene in louis' route all of it even the stuff i used to rant about #even the stuff that used to piss me off now i'm just like 'no wait past cj was dumb she wasn't looking at it this way aaaaaaaa' sksksks #that was my tag ted talk about the cell scene thank you

[starzknight]

Disney princess with a bit more accurate outfits...

.

.

.

#art #fanart #disney #princess #historical fashion #i know cinderella is supposed to be set in the 1860s #but the 1830s suit the story so much better #like she can still have her hair bun and bangs #and full dress #and her stepmother can have those long regency-esque dresses #and ruffles #and the stepsisters can have those crazy haistyles #i'm sorry i went on a rant #also my little mermaid is more inspired in the live action #because the og movie can go either 1830s os 1890s puffs #but the live action has a more late 1830s aesthetic #still i think they did the actress dirty in term of clothes and hair #especially hair color #so nothing really pops out #don't ask me why snow white is in the 1570s #i also don't know #Sleeping Beauty is supposedly set somewhere in the late 14th century #so i chose the 1380s because i like it

[thechosenanubis]

Hey, @mask-of-anubis hope you don't mind that i made a separate post with your tags as the main focus point. ( the tags are taken from this post if anyone is curious) But I felt the the topic is too important to just be kept in the tags.

Thoughts under the cut.

I want to preface this post by saying that you're completely right, that the hoa girls are held at a much higher standard compared to the boys. Sadly this is a common reccurence in most media.

Female characters are scrutinized for everything they do, no matter if you are a "traditonal gal", a "female warrior" or something in between.

As you pointed out, these girls are complex and they make mistakes ( and thank god that they do, because if they didn't and were instead some mary sues hoa would be boring as hell). We have to thank the writers for that because they wanted to create human characters.

Simply put: people scream about wanting "complex female characters!" and when they get them on screen they whine about how "toxic" "pathetic" "whiny" "bitchy" they are.

Let's take for example the worst form of this behavior: The S2 Joy-Nina rivalry. (yes, i'm really going there).

I'm one of the few people in the entire hoa fandom, that thinks that their rivalry ( while i can agree that it overstayed its welcome sometimes) was actually a good arc, and in some ways was inevitable.

People thinks that feminism means "the girls must always get along!" Ignoring that forcing two girls who have very different views, becoming friends just for the sake of Feminism™ is actually going to diminsh the quality of the story, and the characters themselves too.

In fact, since its quite implied in the pilot that joy has a major crush of Fabian, and i'm sorry to burst anyone's bubble, but no girl is going to be happy that her crush isn't single anymore, especially when (at least from joy's pov) she and fabian were quite close. Of course, the way joy went about it in s2 was wrong, but the girl is traumatized ( as all the characters in the show are to various degrees lol) and instead of blaming the teachers, she focused her anger on the easy target.

But keep in mind that Nina isn't a saint either: she's passive aggressive to an unhealthy degree, she lashes out at her friends, and is very possessive about a boy who isn't her boyfriend anymore.

But people, instead of trying to understand why they act that way, They prefer the easy way out aka calling them something along the lines of "Bitch" "Horrible" "Toxic" "Pathetic" "Whiny" "Bully" and everything else under the sun.

Really it's quite concerning that i've seen this behavior in multiple fandoms, and it has no intention of stopping. And no matter how you spin it, female characters can never win, because people will find a way to hate them regardless.

Because as you said, when did male characters ever been held responsible for their own actions? Right, never.

Because fans, somehow to make their fave male character "he's just a soft boy™ who can do no wrong ever" , they have to ignore every single flaw they have. Even if those flaws make them interesting.

Instead female characters are always blamed, villified for the same things the male characters do.

And really everything comes down to the double standard , doesn't it?

#house of anubis #hoa meta #fandom critical #selikor rant #sorry i'm quite heated about this topic #since its something i debated quite often in other fandoms #where people villanize the female characters just to prop up the male fave #sorry for any incoherence i wrote this right before i went to bed lmao

[wildwood-faun]

feeling :( but I know it's because my back is acting up again

#went for a very light run yesterday and it felt soooo fine and safe #but today i've been in so much pain and the run is the only thing i did different #dislike this immensely #also dislike the little voice that tells me this is my own fault because i first injured myself doing something i knew was risky #aka climbing and specifically doing dynamic stuff #<- this is so obviously BULLSHIT and i know that but i'm posting in an attempt to exorcise it #anyway i'm in bed feeling sorry for myself but i think i'm gonna relocate to the couch where i can knit and watch something soon #ALSO while i'm allowing myself a good whine it's bullshit that i slightly injured myself almost a year and a half ago #and my back is still all blegh fuck you #also sprained my ankle last may and am still feeling it #and those feel like a similar genre of injury so i guess my body just doesn't handle that kind of thing well #hello people who read tag rants #life of kit

[help-me-find-a-name-please-lol]

CM HOTCH/REID HEADCANONS

My headcanon about Hotch leaving in Season 12, Reid's reaction, and trying to have it make some kind of sense.

Disclaimers:

This is the first rewatch of the later seasons I've done since it aired on TV, and I've only just finished Season 12 episode 4 (I do, however, know the early seasons ridiculously well).

From LDSK onwards, I only ever really watched it for Hotch, Reid, and the Hotch/Reid dynamic. I didn't really watch it after Hotch left, but caught bits and pieces because my roomates did.

Yes I know why Thomas Gibson left the show and why they had to suddenly wrap up his character. No, I don't condone violence in the workplace. I also never dove deeply into the behind-the-scenes lore of this show, cast and crew interviews, etc etc. This will purely be relating to the show as it was depicted on screen, and my love for the characters as their own entities.

I am not going back to fully source which eps all my observations come from, cos I'm supposed to be working on an assignment rn and CM transcripts are a ducking nightmare. I just wanted to put this idea out there cos I think we all need a bit of self-soothing after the crap they fed us to write Hotch out of the show.

Also fun story I just came back to finish writing this after being interrupted by what I though was someone trying to break into my house at 4am (heard a noise, gate wide open, can't see anyone but damn, scary. My town's big on crime, too). SO my thoughts may now be even more disorganised thanks to the adrenaline crash headache I'm currently experiencing.

So anyway like I said, just finished watching S12E04 Keeper, during which Reid gets a call we don't hear, is visibly upset by it, and takes a bit of prodding to discuss it with JJ and Rossi. He then reveals that he was just told his mother left her care facility on her own and was found wandering confused around a casino. He takes minimal convincing to head back to Quantico and lines himself up another couple of days off to visit his mum (yes I'm Australian, this is how we spell it lol).

MY HEADCANON: This is when Hotch called Reid to tell him that he was going into witness protection and wouldn't be coming back. (Exactly how much was discussed on the phone vs possibly being discussed/explained later in person is of course open to interpretation, but enough for Reid to know Hotch wanted to say goodbye and to not tell the rest of the team).

I know that his mum's issues are an ongoing valid storyline. But this is why it was also a plausible excuse for Reid to come up with on the spot as to why he was upset.

Another thing that makes it entirely plausible that the phone call was about Hotch is the long, significant staring Reid did at Prentiss as she walked away after they discuss what supposedly happened with his mum. To me that could scream that Reid was actually dealing with something team-related, and was already grieving how it would affect the other members of his team that he's keeping it from. He could have gazed down or elsewhere to communicate his worry for his mum to the audience, but he specifically turned and watched Prentiss leave, looking all angsty.

What's a heck of a lot less plausible:

His mum, who has been in care since Reid became a legal adult, suddenly escaping her care facility, despite having been in care for well over a decade and who now needs even more supervision due to Alzheimer's on top of her Schizophrenia. Yeah, escapes happen, but to make it all the way into a casino and being found in a confused state? When this didn't happen before Reid flew up and got her diagnosed her with Alzheimers? Even though she'd been getting some increased freedoms for doing well on her new meds prior to her sudden worsening with the Alzheimer's onset?

Hotch leaving without saying something directly to Reid first. Yeah, I'm a shipper, and I know Hotch has his son to think about, but I call BULLSHIT. Hotch knows all about Reid's abandonment issues and there is no way he'd want to end up on the same mental list Reid keeps alongside Reid's father and Gideon. When Gideon went AWOL, Hotch returned from suspension, despite the fight he knew it would cause with his wife, because "the team" needed him. Then Haley stressed "no, they need Gideon". Fully believe this was all just about Reid (I also kinda low-key believe Haley had an inkling about Hotch's thing for Reid but anyway). Hotch, Reid and Morgan functioned as a team while Gideon was on leave after the bomber case, Morgan didn't even really want Gideon to come back and would not have been that thrown by his absence. Reid however we all know was very emotionally-involved. And it's Reid that Hotch pulls aside to get his head back in the game (and who then gives them a breakthrough in the case shortly after, at Hotch's encouragement). When Gideon had officially left and Hotch addressed the team about it, he mostly directed what he was saying towards Reid, when he said that he couldn't explain why he'd left the way he did, etc. And when Hotch was trying to decide whether he'd take over as section chief after Strauss left, again he was addressing the team but pretty much turned and spoke directly to Reid when he said something along the lines of "if I decide to leave the BAU, you'll be the first to know". He also saw how much it killed Reid to be lied to about Prentiss (and you can see he felt like shit about it during Reid's assessment). This man. Would NOT. Have left Reid without saying goodbye. That's the hill I'm dying on. On top of that, Hotch is always the most emotionally-compromised whenever Reid is in danger, and he knows it (he let Gideon know he was currently a terrible example of "handling things emotionally" while Reid was being held by Hankel, resulting in Gideon's weak reassurance of "We'll get him"; when Reid got on that train with Elle he tried to stop it then immediately went to chat with the sniper; when Reid was in the cult compound he had to hand off negotiations to Rossi; when Reid was protecting Owen Savage; heck he practically yeeted Morgan out of the way when Reid was trying to talk down Maeve's stalker and they heard a gunshot. Etc etc.). And whenever Hotch gets emotionally affected by other things (eg that defence attorney for amnesia/coma guy, or regarding his brother), Reid is the one who can break through that and keep him steady. Reid is VERY IMPORTANT to Hotch and I don't see him hurting Reid in what to him is the worst way someone could do it.

Reid being so chill about Hotch suddenly leaving without saying goodbye. Goes without saying, yeah? But I'll say it. I get that they've been trying to paint him as more emotionally-mature and that he was able to handle Morgan leaving, but it is SO not the same relationship or circumstance and Reid would not have taken Hotch's departure in stride like that. I get that they also wanted the show and its characters to move on as quickly and as apparently unaffected as possible, but it still clearly flies in the face of proper characterisation. Reid is brilliant and back when he was being held by Hankel, I'm sure he could have found any number of ways to communicate with a specific team member at that moment, but he chose Hotch. He knew Hotch would be the only one capable of putting his ego aside at being "picked to die" and to listen properly to the rest of Reid's message. Once he confirmed that his message was correct and that he was in a cemetery, Reid was so sure that Hotch understood his message and would be coming to save him that he let his guard down for the first time. I think he only picked up that gun and shot Hankel with it in the end to just superstitiously make sure that the bullet never did reach Hotch (and to "free" Tobias, or whatever. Either way Hankel wasn't going for the gun or to use Reid as a shield when he turned to face off with the FBI and any of them could have taken him down easily). They've only been getting closer and closer over the years, on-screen and off (Fist-bump anyone? Always standing close together? Plus Reid's been teaching Jack magic tricks and was the one to get him smiling and laughing after Hotch got arrested by SWAT, which you know would make Hotch even more gooey for him). They're 100% an army of 2/hyper-competent power couple (take for instance the way Hotch and Reid were mirrored against Garcia and Kevin when she referred to her own pairing as the President and Vice-President after the bank blew up?) who can probably achieve 90% of the team's success level on their own. That super-serial-killer chick may have talked about Reid losing a "protector" in Morgan, but Hotch has always been the one Reid has come to or looked to. He was pretty distraught about the idea of Hotch leaving to be Section Chief, not that long ago, too. Also, constant super-crush behaviour which I could list but this post is already very long. Reid would not just immediately go "Prentiss is our leader now, this'll be great!". FFS.

Anyway we all know the way they wrote Hotch off was bullshit, hence the suuuper-long monologue to explain everything that's apparently happened off-screen, and yeah he'd totally enter WITSEC without even telling the team (until he decided to resign) when Peter Lewis had already hacked it once and killed the person on it before the team figured out who he was after and got there 🙄. All of it is super implausible. But to me, nothing more so than Reid's poor imitation of shock/surprise and almost total lack of emotional reaction. Him knowing beforehand, because Hotch already said goodbye to him, is the only thing that will ever make me be at peace with this crap from an in-universe POV.

This could all be shot to pieces in the next ep lol, but for now I'm just glad my brain has a way to make sense of it.

#criminal minds #hotchreid #hotch/reid #heid #sorry for the super long rant #that hasn't been proofread #and my copy-paste went funny so God only knows if the same phrase I tried to move is somewhere in this post like 10 times #I wouldn't normally share but #there's not a lot of hotch/reid content #so I thought I might as well #I realise I also spewed a whole bunch of my other headcanons out there in a half-developed way #if someone takes issue with them I hope I get to explain before they yell at me that I'm wrong #like don't just assume I have poor media literacy folks. Tonight's idea may be half-formed but I can back the rest of my shit up #at least as well as any other subtextual fan-theory #ok hey it's now 6:30am! #goodnight! #😅😅😅

[ineed-to-sleep]

Just as a general life update bc I'm a bit absent lately, but I went on a date on sunday!!! First date with a stranger I ever went to and I nearly died of anxiety I was shaking like a chihuahua but I did it!!!!!!!! LOOK AT ME GO

#ok he wasn't a total stranger I'd talked to him for a few days prior on tinder #but I'd never even seen him before so it was v scary!! I had no idea what he'd be like irl #but it was very nice and he actually seemed more nervous than me fjcjkvkf which I didn't think would be the case but well #that's the way it was #it went super well like we got along really well #talking face to face was way better than through text #and we kissed!! I really went in expecting nothing and got a few smooches out of it would you look at that #plus he's bi and has adhd too so it was like bi to bi communication clown to clown communication yk how it is #honestly after this I'm never getting involved with a heterosexual man again. only bi men understand me #he was NICE he was POLITE he was interested in what I had to say he was respectful he was cute he appreciated my masculinity AND. #he smelled good #a cishet man could never #sleep.txt #anyway sorry for the gushing rant djfkkckv in conclusion I just wanted to say that #I realized that pushing through the anxiety pays off(as opposed to trying to like. 'fix it' first) #and getting involved w queer ppl as a queer person can really pay off too #ofc there's situations where it might not go well but when it does. then it really does

[saviourofzaun]

One thing I like about the way you write Silco:

How you make him feel real and rather human through his interactions with those he's close to on some level, or another and the fact that they are always imperfect or a bit odd. Him being okay with Jinx killing, but not her using (as he put it) pot. The fact that he does care about her, but than the miscommunications we've talked about before. His affection for (a particular) Jayce, but a refusal to truly admit it to the man. How people wouldn't expect him to exactly be playful, but then we had that idea of him and Jinx gaslighting someone together. In short that he's a complex person, and if you pay attention for as odd or imperfect as it might seem, it still makes sense for him and how he thinks and is consistent and very human in that way.

Keep going, keep writing, I can't wait to see what you come up with in the future.

SHIMMER INQUIRY | MELISANDRE

I really appreciate you sending this in, hun. And, I'm glad you can see through his schemes and his deceits. The way how I write him, is someone who is a hypocrite who contradicts himself constantly. And, I definitely plan onto continuing writing him the way I do. Silco is a big fish in the ocean, has power, money, and a monstrous side. However, in the end of the day, Silco is still 'just a man'. Sure, he can tell himself, 'that day he let a weak man die', but in the end of the day, only a part of him died. The moment Vander's name is mentioned, he is triggered. He sat with his statue, having a drink with his deceased 'brother', just like old times. Silco was ready to give up onto Zaun, and even start a war, just for the sake of keeping his daughter. Where he blamed Vander first, he now understood exactly why he did what he did. Silco is a monster, his own personal monster, but whether he likes it or not, he still has those shards of humanity within him that shimmer through (nice choice of words, heh) when he is interacting with those he trusts. He is a manipulator, he is a slave to his dream, and he is willing to burn the world down for Jinx. But, at the end of the day, he actively keeps preaching his hard-won lessons, because he keeps himself to a certain standard (subconsciously) that he has to be a monster, for Zaun, for Jinx. I saw this post from @piltover-sharpshooter about Silco, and I wholeheartedly agree. Silco is very humane; he can still get caught off guard, will show intense emotions (kicking a man to death because Vi practically crumbled a damn building onto him), and will improvise where needed. The thing is, just because he shows control, calmness, and power, does not mean that he cannot have these other aspects to him, where he feels anxiety, where he feels like he is losing control. And, in a way, it makes sense. He is so used to having the upper hand for a long period of time, and when that changes, anxiety will creep up, which is only natural. How I see him, is that he is definitely a control freak. The scene where he frantically turns in his chair, because he heard Vi is back “… From the dead?”, you can see he is distraught. Silco being fine with Jinx killing people, is because he is fine with it, and it is mostly for him. When Jinx uses pot, he has no control over the situation, and thus will freak out. He will not know how Jinx will respond to pot, because it can go very badly. He is only showing playfulness towards those he knows who respect him. Because, if he were to show that to the outside world, it might bring him into a different light, where perhaps people don't view him as big of a monster. He does not admit he has feelings for someone, because that would give them the upper hand in a way, and thus change the power dynamic. What I'm trying to get at is that even though he is a puppeteer with a lot of power and control, one aspect does not exclude the other aspect. A bad person can still show love, a good person can still hurt others and be selfish. In the end of the day, nothing is black and white, and everything is a shade of grey. Silco is not excluded from that. His interactions feel off, because there is no sincerity with him most of the time. If he approaches, he wants something from someone. He is a manipulative, narcissistic, hypocritical control-freak, who is both a man and a monster. The two lines I have written for Silco reflect that:

“I am both man and monster, there is no difference in that.” 'Love? No, Silco was not made for love— He was made for power.'

This is what he truly believes, and what he keeps telling himself. 'A lion does not concern himself with the opinion of sheep', and yet, he wants people to follow him and his dream. The duality of man is what shines through. He is soft-spoken, but his actions can be as violent as ever. Furthermore, he uses violence, but that incidental in a way, because it stands in the way of what he tries to achieve. Silco will not shy away from violence, but he will always try to talk his way out if he can. Silco is not some bloodthirsty maniac who go slashing people's throat left and right, and drug people just for the fun of it. Sure, he is sadistic, and he does kill people and drug them, but that's when they cross him. Shimmer was meant as a medicine, then it became a weapon, but it grew into a recreational drug. Sure, it fills his (and probably Singed's) pockets, but that is incidental. This is the very reason why I fell in love with Silco. He is a very deep, complex character, with a lot of aspects to him that both empower and contradict him.

#》 𝙄’𝙑𝙀 𝙁𝙍𝙀𝙀𝘿 𝙃𝙀𝙍… 𝘾𝘼𝙉𝘿𝙄𝘿𝙇𝙔 ⎯ (𝙤𝙤𝙘). #》 𝙋𝙊𝙒𝙀𝙍 𝙎𝙏𝘼𝙔𝙎 𝙄𝙉 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝙎𝙃𝘼𝘿𝙊𝙒𝙎 ⎯ (𝙨𝙞𝙡𝙘𝙤). #( I went onto a whole rant I'm so sorry). #(I'm glad you like him and my portrayal of him). #silco #silco arcane #silco league of legends #zaunrising

[myshredda]

Thinking about how fluffybird would develop on canon and I thought of Shrignold (the homophobic butterfly) coming back except they straight up kill him on sight and move on with another conflict 😭😭😭

On a more series note, one of the reasons I think Fluffybird has a chance of developing on a more romantic side it’s because it could have really good commentary, whenever the house (Lesley, the uppermans? ) “agree” on it or not

Do they approve of the relationship? Is it part of the narrative? If it’s not , there’s a constant driven force to tear them apart.

Do they agree on it? Then, are they pushing a certain “correct” way it should happen? Do they have to repeat numerous times until they get it right?

Are they indifferent? Then, regardless of their suffering or development or desire to be together, the narrative does not care, so they move on and do not stop

This is an aspect of the show that I find very interesting! Shrignold's cult being so clearly heterosexual was very deliberate, Mr. and Mrs. Dead, Yellow's special one not only being female, but also being a carbon copy of his build and looks- possibly implying the cult is also racist along side being homophobic? A lot of cults have white supremacist roots, so it wouldn't surprise me if that's what was supposed to be implied in that episode. Either that, or it's a joke about female characters in 80s kids cartoons are often kind of just the male character with a bow (like smurfette)

DHMIS at it's core, is a parody of children's educational puppet shows. During most of the time periods that these puppet shows were produced, homophobia was deeply DEEPLY ingrained into society to the point that portraying gay characters on children's television was viewed as something immoral and inappropriate. Like Sesame Street has been on TV for 53 years, and only featured gay characters (two dads!) in 2021.

Even in the new series, there's a lot of commentary on how society views the traditionally nuclear family unit as being the only 'true' type of family there can be. The twin's entire motivation and 'lesson' seemed to be: There's a mom, a dad, kids, and a few various other family members that matter much less than 'real' members. After all, an uncle is like an extra-cheeky father, but weaker, and in the distance. Non-nuclear families don't count, and friend groups can't be family in the narrative. And that changes at the end of the episode (momentarily) and is quickly dropped by the start of the next.

It doesn't surprise me at all that the only time Duck and Red were able to have a tender moment together was when the power was out. No cameras, Lesley distracted, no audience to preform for. They were out of the limelight, and, in turn, they could exist authentically without fear of censorship or backlash from the audience or risk of being punished for perceived 'inappropriate' behavior on a TV show that's supposed to be 'family friendly' because as we all know, gay people existing is somehow inherently sexual (/s)

DHMIS is a deeply unsettling, gory, psychologically traumatizing show that parodies children's TV. There can be full-on beheading and cannibalism on screen, fully lit. But a quiet moment between two characters has to be hidden away in the darkness for it to be allowed to slip through the censorship cracks.

#sorry i went on a rant but i'm so obsessed with the commentary that seems to have cropped up in the series about gore vs queer themes and #which the audience sees as more appropriate for children #i'm unsure if becky and joe are interested in making fluffybird canon but they're at least fully supportive of fans shipping them which is #SO refreshing #my askbox #anonymous #fluffybird #dhmis fluffybird #dhmis theory

[pennyserenade]

i saw that there’s going to be a new x-files series developed by ryan coogler and BOOKED IT to your blog!!! what do you think??! how do you feel??!!

first off: i love you omg??? i love that show so much--more than words can adequately express, as i'm sure you're aware--and im honored you want to hear my thoughts about this news.

at first i said that i wasn't going to say anything because admittedly not all my thoughts are great, and i don't want to shit on it before it even gets the chance to prove its worth. i'm not at all opposed to diversity being added into the x-files, or the show being developed by a person of color. in fact that's one of the things i'm most excited for regarding this. the entire time i watched the original show i noticed the startling lack of diversity in the cast, the plot, and the writers room. the original show does suffer at times from being written namely by white men and i think the x-files reboot probably will do better in terms of those things. at least i certainly hope

what i'm hesitant about is the fact that i don't see the x-files working in the modern day. when they did the revival back in 2018 (? i don't remember the exact year because i wasn't there yet, but i think it was around that time) it was obvious that they were all scrambling to make the plots work in the contemporary age. so much of the conflict in the x files is wrapped around the fact that fox mulder cannot prove that the government is doing all of these heinous shit, and that the paranormal and extraterrestrial stuff is real. he never could collect any tangible evidence that couldn't be ruined and he never could garner enough public support even if he did have it to build up to anything reputable before it was. they were always able to discredit him. now he could do that. we live in an age where everyone has a cell phone and an opinion and we can all get things to people faster than the speed of lightening.

but also there's the fact that every one has a cell phone and an opinion. it might not work, not because the characters can get evidence quickly and then, bam, the conflict is all gone, but also because conspiracies aren't what they used to be. we live in paranoid and tired age. our computers track us, companies own our data, and we see more ads in one year than someone in the 1960s saw in their entire lives. since 2020 i've heard the united states government twice confirm the existence of aliens and ufos. and then you've got shit like qanon and the campaigns of constant misinformation and no one is exactly sure what is real and what isn't. put fox mulder from the 90s on twitter or reddit for a week and you've got a terrible mess on your hands. in the revival scully literally tells him, "mulder the internet isn't good for you." much of the same can be said about the entire x-files in general. it simply doesn't have that magic that it did in the 90s when you translate it for the modern day.

my last complaint is the fact that i love mulder and scully so much, and the idea of anyone but these two characters doing the government work they did feels sacrilegious. i don't want other people playing fox mulder and dana scully, and i don't want other people playing remixed versions of fox mulder and dana scully. if they're going to start new i sure hope they start from scratch because these are two characters who are so beloved and cared about. i think it's almost disrespectful to tread on the paths they already walked.

having said all that i do think this reboot isn't without its hope. a lot of what i complained about can be solved with a simply putting this reboot in a different time period. i'd love to see what the an x files-like government sector would like in the '60s, '70s, or '80s. there's a lot to be said about the government in those time periods. it was all rife with reasonable conspiracy and i think they could very well do with making diverse storylines and all of that. i want this to succeed more than anyone. i'm just scared about it lol

#misc. #this is so long i'm sorry #i had to rant bc i've thought abt this for almost as long as i've loved the show #bc i do believe this reboot was in the works in 2020 but they went quiet for awhile #x files

[pyro-madder]

was there confirmation from the devs that gascoigne has two daughters or did we all take the older one's words at face value when everything else in the game points otherwise

#sort of rant but it genuinely makes me crazy to see it in lore vids and shit. others must have said it before but #the evil ribbon monologue is the least suspicious part #why wouldn't the little one mention her at all #why would a young girl be out by herself on the evening of a hunt and how would she survive throughout half the plot #viola wouldn't have let her go out by herself. and if she left after viola. again. WHY wouldn't the little sister mention it #fromsoft doesn't just /forget/ to mention things (most of the time...) #and then she spawns like a flower... under the blood moon... when there's not a single soul left in central yharnam ?? #sure i'll buy it. come on guys. guys /i am dragged offstage by security #don't get me wrong tho if she's still an ordinary girl she deserves better than to die down a ladder lmao #but if i went the extra mile i'd make her a beast in disguise like the beggar. little girls get to have fun and be evil. as a treat #sorry i'm having. a day

[anthropwashere]

I've gotten two letters from my mom since my aunt died last month and they've both been just. So, so aggressively manipulative. Y'all can skip this post. I'm not looking for sympathy likes/replies. I just need a good rant and sometimes it does pay to yell into the Tumblr void.

Still—still!—she insists I have never told her why I refuse to speak to her anymore. She has the receipts on this, going all the way back over a decade ago to my early 20s when I conceded to communicate to her solely through e-mails. That avenue of communication ended with me blocking her pretty much everywhere online after she called me a sociopathic bitch on a public platform family, friends, and coworkers followed me on. Very cool of her, very mature.

(If memory serves she was arrested shortly thereafter. Pity it wasn't for something more serious than, jeez, I can't be assed to remember. Something to do with her driver's license? I know she asked me for a couple grand about it and cussed me out when I told her my baby Airman ass literally did not have the money even if I were inclined to help her.)

Every single letter she sends me includes a brief tangent about how she's been watching YouTube videos about estranged families (both sides! she always includes the both sides!). She always says she wants to understand but she can't because I've never told her why I refuse to talk to her anymore.

How many phonecalls, how many HOURS, have I wasted crying in rage and despair as I try to tell her all the ways she hurt me, physically and emotionally and mentally, before I realized she'd never accept it? That she would always, always try to gaslight me like this? That she'd give me that guileless, wide-eyed and furrowed brow anxious stare and that high, plaintive goddamn voice. That she'd convince me time and time and time and time again that maybe, maybe I'm overreacting?

This most recent letter was a real treat. She went out of her way to say she wasn't trying to guilt trip me, really, but she's JUST lost both her sisters AND her parents in the last year and she's terrified she might die soon next so WHY won't her ONLY DAUGHTER just TALK to her? 😭

So, firstly. I can only speak for myself and my interpretations of what my extended family will feel, but I'm pretty goddamn sure we're all gonna CHEER when she finally fucking kicks the bucket. Ain't nobody gonna miss her when she croaks. Even if her sisters outlived her that'd be the same. My only complaint when she does die is that I'm gonna insist on paying for all of the funerary expenses because she's already leeched too goddamn much from the rest of the family. No way is anyone gonna pay for her bullshit one last time, even if that means paying folks back with interest after I fly back to California. And you can be sure I'm gonna go out of my way to take the cheapest route possible at every opportunity out of spite. This woman doesn't deserve better than the bare minimum. That's all she's ever given everyone else after all.

Secondly, I will concede the fact that yes, she's lost both her sisters in the last year, not even a full year apart from each other. And that sucks! It's extremely fucking sad! My aunts raised me as much as she did, and they both sure as hell paid for more of my childhood needs than she ever did. I was able to afford to go to my younger aunt's funeral last year, but even with the surprise disability backpay I got this year I've been dealing with a lot of owning-a-100+-year-old house expenses (such as replacing the entire goddamn original roof) this year, so I genuinely couldn't make the trip for my older aunt's funeral. Two family members offered to pay for my flight and I just couldn't accept that kindness because I grew up watching my mom take and take and take and take from the family.

THIRDLY HOWEVER.

Her mom, my maternal grandma, died TWENTY YEARS AGO. Her dad, my maternal grandpa, died THIRTY YEARS AGO. And she hated her parents! She fucking loathed them! I spent more of my childhood being her psychologist instead of her goddamn child; ALL I HEARD ABOUT was how much she hated and resented her parents. This is THE first time I've heard her trot them out since I lived with her back in the 00s, and it might damn well be the first halfway-positive mention of them since long before that? This is so transparent an act I can't help but be insulted that she'd think I'd take the bait? Using the LITERAL DEATHS of others to try to goad me into talking to her?

Like. Jesus. Last year at my younger aunt's funeral just about every single member of the California-centric family pulled me aside to ask if my mom was being too much. My aunt's CHILDREN, damn near non-functional with grief, asked if I needed help handling my mom. And there were a couple occasions where I damn near admitted yeah! She's being too much! She won't stop fucking touching me! She won't stop making her sister's death about herself! And here she is, a year later, doing the same goddamn thing again with her other sister's death!

She's a manipulative, gaslighting abuser who refuses to grow up and accept responsibility and/or repercussions for her actions despite being in her late-60s. She gleefully twists the knife into whoever she can get her hands on and acts SO distraught and SO betrayed when people find fault with her actions and behavior. I don't know a single person who knows her to like her anymore once she's shown her true colors, and somehow she's still convinced she isn't the problem.

What a waste. What a fucking waste.

#toxic relationships #days before i went to basic training she told me she was either going to become a nun or kill herself #because she didn't know how to live without me #that was not remotely the first time she threatened suicide to keep me in line #nor the last #sorry. sorry. this rant got bigger than i expected. #anger has been percolating #i try to let go of parent-bullshit as much as possible as a direct middle finger to how i was raised #but sometimes i just gotta lay it all out and gesture violently at it all #i'm not crazy! she's awful! she's really awful! fuck this person right out of my life! die faster please! #cousin if you see this post i'm doubly not looking for sympathy from you. #i'm ranting and petty and speaking in broad terms because i almost always speak in broad terms when ranting about shit on this site