#i went several months without doing anything and now ive done it twice since christmas ok i got used to consistency

[gayboymint]

me getting startled when i see a mirror bc i forgot i dyed my hair again:

#avery.txt #i went several months without doing anything and now ive done it twice since christmas ok i got used to consistency

[jamiebluewind]

Thank You

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for being kind. I know some of you must be... annoyed that I haven't been sharing anything lately (I have too if I'm being honest), but nobody has thrown any hate at me for it and for that, I'm grateful.

I've been resting up since I got out of the hospital, a fact that has been driving me crazy if I'm being honest. Only so many hours in a day and I'm spending so many of um in the bed (doesn't help that dad fussed at me for it)! Then I tell myself that if one of you were in the same position, I'd be fussing your ear off for thinking such a thing and trying to get you to rest, so I'm trying to give myself the same courtesy.

I'm... hesitant to share what went wrong, not for embarrassment but because I don't want yall to worry. Then I realized that this post has probably already make you think far worse, so here goes...

WARNING: Blood mention, illness, body function mention, pain, menstruation, confusion, dehydration, (please tell me if I missed any!)

I got an IUD put in. I didn't want it, but my periods are bad and my insurance wouldn't cover just removing the parts before trying this first. It caused a lot of pain due to having nothing for pain, the person putting it in not knowing what they were doing, and them using silver nitrate without rinsing it off which gave me chemical burns on my cervix. I stayed in pain and they responded saying to take a tylenol and I'd eventually be fine. During this time, I bled constantly. Not a lot, but some. I also had my normal periods to deal with. I found out it was even effecting my mood and making me tired (hormones, constant cramping, or both, you be the judge). Two months in, I wanted it out. They said I just needed to tough it out and I would be fine by 6 months. I'm pretty sure my face did a thing that symotaniously screamed confusion and "fuck you", but I did as I was told.

In the meantime (during December and even now), my heater thermostat started doing something weird. I set the temp, but it would let it get down to like 55° F (12.7° C) at night when it was set on like 68 (20° C). During the day, it would get about 10° F warmer than what it was set (so like 78° F or 26° C). It was kicking on, but not regulating it how it was supposed to. I told my landlady, but they take for-freaking-ever! So out comes an electric blanket to keep me warm at night. I basically lived under the thing after the sun set! I just kept it on one or two so I wouldn't get too warm. I was also feeling crapy (*gestures to previous paragraph*), which meant more bed time than normal.

A few days before Christmas, I got a shot that was supposed to last a month and help block a nerve that causes migraines. I have debilitating hemiplegic migraines and the risk was very low, so I decided to give it a shot. The medication is very new and due to my rare form of migraine reacting atypically to medications, you would think I would know by now not to try medications that haven't been out long.

The fourth and final domino in all this was all the running due to the holiday season. I'm disabled and I have a weak immune system, but I kept pushing myself. I walked so much price shopping for things for everyone that would both mean something and not break budget (even when me left leg wanted to nope out) because Dad gave me a bit of money last minute to help me buy gifts and I only had a week. I wrapped gifts for dad and myself. I cleaned and did some baking. Then there was the driving and the great but exhausting time with family and playing catch with my youngest nephew until my arm was nearly falling off. When I eventually got back home, my whole body had this bone deep ache. Not like overworking muscles after not using them for a long time, but like I had the flu. This is on top of the cramping.

*Note: Some of the information past this point is things the medical staff told me happened, things my dad said happened, and texts*

I would get better and worse. Always worse when I first woke up (remember the blanket?). I went to dad's for a traditional southern New Year's meal. He said I was spacey, lethargic, and far more quiet than normal. My eyes had trouble focusing and I had trouble concentrating. I looked tired so, he made me sleep before driving home. I woke up about 3 am, drank a glass of water, drove home, wrote a post about it (which took entirely too long for me to write), and went to bed.

The next morning, I woke up and just... laid there. I was having trouble figuring out where my body was. It just felt numbed somehow. I called my neurologist thinking it was a side effect the the drug. I'm not sure what I said, but they made me go to the ER.

I'm not sure how I drove there to be honest. I do remember somebody honking. I'm glad it was close, but still. It's a wonder I didn't get in a wreck!

I don't remember much. A yellow floor sign. A woman writing with a marker. Another woman with brown drawn on eyebrows. A machine that had a small piece of that brown first aid tape stuck to it. A name that made me think of the green emoji face (which my normal brain has yet to figure out). I had trouble talking and thinking. I remember repeating "stay still" over and over the (I think it was) several times I was instructed to, because if I didn't, I'd forget. I'm pretty sure I left my room several times. I know I went to my car once. I remember eating food, but I only recall a pineapple cup because I realized partway that I had a spoon that I could use. I kept forgetting to tell them I was hurting when they asked. I had a headache and sick stomach. I also felt so cold and my feet were like ice, but I was running a low grade fever after all.

I started feeling a little better, but the doctor still admitted me. I had a white count, but they couldn't figure out from where. I messaged a few people to let them know what was going on finding typing easier than talking. I used that to my advantage and typed out my allergies to show a nurse.

They struggled getting the IV in, even on my hand. When it finally was in I was hooked up to fluids to keep it open. More blood taken to try and figure out what was wrong. I gave them what urine sample I could which was tinted (I couldn't help it). They had already done some type of brain scan (but I didn't remember it). I kept having minor dizzy spells, but I attributed it too all the blood they took.

They kept giving me stuff, but nothing helped my headache. It wasn't a migraine, but still very nasty. I was grateful when something finally seemed to help.

My nurse came back with lots of juice to go with my super so I'd have something to drink and a container of ice water. She was new to the hospital and hung around at times just checking on me and talking. Just a nice person. It was otherwise a lot of sleeping.

The longer I stayed, the easier it was to communicate, but the tests couldn't figure out why. They ruled out seizures and a stroke. A mini stroke was highly unlikely and didn't fit. They couldn't find an infection anywhere. My white count went back to normal. They couldn't figure it out.

That was until my nurse from the previous day came back. We just talked about general things until I made a joke about the urine sample from the day before. She asked if it was clean catch and I said yes, but just barely. That ended up causing questions and her checking charts. Turns out that despite being there since the morning before, I had peed twice (with the last time hours before). She pressed on my bladder which wasn't distended. 3 bags of fluid, 3 meals (2 of which I know I ate all of), plus whatever I drank. I had been dehydrated to the point that it had caused my white count to go up and was the reason behind my confusion, lethargy, dizziness, headache, nausea, and low urine output. I was pretty surprised. I was released before lunch.

Pushing past my limits, minor medication side effects (including one long term med), staying under an electric blanket too much to stay warm (combined with exhaustion which meant longer in bed and less time awake to drink water), and pain and constant bleeding due to my IUD... all those things combined causing it to happen. I'm still... oof. Still tired. Still weak. Still recovering. Sleeping so much that the days fly by. Drinking lots of water. And otherwise doing just fine (save for my sleep schedule going to shit again). I still love my electric blanket; it's just been temporary retired until I can get myself rehydrated again. That means my other blankets are out of the vacuum bags and piled up to keep me warm ^_^

Speaking of warm, I have my very own love bug/velcro/snuggle buddy Danny who has been on me like white on rice since I got home. He's a good boy

#bluewind talks #story time #dehydration #cat danny #danny is a good boy #tw blood mention #tw menstration #tw illness

[kissmymongoose]

Life update: half bro is out and about but at least taking his meds some days. He hasnt bothered me too badly ever since he came over here and tried to steal my 7 year olds bike 😒. I literally jumped on him and knocked him off before he got out of the yard. It made me mad, cause the only reason he did it was to start some shit. Like, you have a no trespassing order, go the fuck on 😑 anywho. Off that topic now.

In other news, my snow peas are doing pretty good even with the wild bunnies chomping on them.

I got my copy of Practical Magic this week, and hubbs is holding on to the prequel of it along with a copy of The Hobbit for me. Im already getting christmas presents 😂 but for real though, i want him to hold on to then for me till christmas. The past few years we havent been able to get each other anything we really wanted to. And no, Christmas isnt about gifts, but when your special someone has a chance and goes out of their way to order the things youve mentioned (and havent asked for) its a really nice feeling. I feel heard and valued. I mentioned the books and i mentioned a nail polish set i really really liked- im not one for beauty products normally- and without a second though he ordered it. I basically just talked avout the items saying i would like to wait till my birthday and maybe get one of the books and eff the nail polish cause even though i love it i would feel bad for spending the money on a product i dont use every day. Wellll, he ordered the nail polish (it is the loud laquer Bailey Sarian Aqua Tofana set) and started his search for the books. He actually felt bad that he couldn't get them all in hardback, which doesnt even bother me 😂

Well of course im like save it for christmas! But, he convinced me to pick a book and take the polish now. 😁😁 lets just say ive already done my nails twice and my toes are done 😂

I have psoriasis on my some of my nail beds, so thats while you'll see pitting on the pointer finger nail, but honestly it covers so well! There are a few polishes ive uses before that seem to make the imperfections more obvious, but these polishes, even the glitter polish have amazing color with only one or two coats.

As for my book, im waiting patiently to start reading. I get very angry if im interrupted while im reading, and seeing as I have two kids under 10, i am gonna have to find the perfect time to start reading. Probably after they go to bed 😂

Weve gotten the kitchen moved around some and today I get to go get our new washing machine. Ours was nice enough to flood the kitchen a few times before i finally got pissed. I tried to repair it at home, i really did. But for this type of washer, you really need to remove it from your house first. There is no easy way to drain it. No filter catch or anything. Just two pipes connected to the pump, and located literally beneath the drum 😬 if you dont know, then that means the only way youre gonna drain the bitch is if you have a large wetvac to handle the mess. Oh excuse me, the only way without making a huge mess. Just ask my kitchen floor 🙁 buuut, we are gonna go get a brand spanking new one, because we learned a valuable lesson a few years ago with buying used machinery. Ill just go ahead and make it a long story short--- we got fucking roaches a while back from a used washing machine. It took us almost a year and several visits from pest control to solve the problem. To this day I dont trust leaving my drink out. Ill waste it instead of drinking it if i set it down for more than say 2 minutes. It was literally a fucking nightmare and i felt like my house wasnt my own. It took months to try to get rid of the filth and destruction they caused. So yeah, NOT doing that shit again. The cost for a new one is worth not having to risk a pest outbreak again. It seriously cost a lot more to deal with the bugs than to avoid the bugs altogether. Anyway. Not trying to get tied up on that lol, just want to stress it because I never would have imagined the horrors I would have to deal with just for getting a used machine. if this helpes someone else not make that mistake then great. And heres the thing, no one is gonna tell you if its got bugs, and sometimes theyre kept in storage and the owners dont know they have bugs. But its still a nasty shock to the people who get the machine and bring it into their house.

Onto some other shit: the kids are used to their bunk bed now, and it has opened up a lot of space for us in that bedroom. Im extremely happy with how it all turned out, because i was afraid they would be climbing all over it or jumping around and being rough, but they know its their bed and that we have to respect it and take care of it. I went through the kids clothes last week and got rid of stuff that doesnt fit, and organized everything. I have a lot more i want done by Christmas, but this is definitely a good start.

[batsysims]

100 QUESTIONS NO ONE ASKS

I was tagged by @tickledsims ty ily!!

1. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED? CLOSED when i was younger my little sister had a baby doll that would talk on its own at night and we called it the demon baby and hooooly shit

2. DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS? i dont take those bc my hair cant take cheap hair products but i do take the soaps!!

3. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT? i put the mattress cover sheet thingy on my bed but i dont use an actual sheet :/

4. HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE? nah lol

5. DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST-IT NOTES? YES i love using office supplies i could spend all day at staples omg

6. DO YOU CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM? no lol but il save the lil receipt coupons and find them in my wallet months after they expire

7. WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES? hhhhh bees

8. DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES? yep!! i love them its why im scared to use foundation i dont wanna lose em

9. DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES? i either smile or if my moms takin the pic il make a stupid face 

10. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? i have terrible road rage...... um........... i also hate it when men interrupt me i just walk away at that point 

11. DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK? yeah i pretty much count everything

12. HAVE YOU PEED IN THE WOODS? i dont think so??

13. HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS? def not lmao

14. DO YOU EVER DANCE EVEN IF THERES NO MUSIC PLAYING? i have an eating dance, a drinking dance, and a video game playing dance hahaa

15. DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS? yes ugh it annoys me but i cant stop

16. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK? at LEAST 0

17. WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED? i think its a single? a single or a twin either way im miserable send help

18. WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK? ummm probably You by Weird Milk?? its the most recent song i added on spotify so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

19. IS IT OK FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK? yeah def unless its one of those “real men wear pink shirts” like just.... stop

20. DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS? sometimes my sister makes me watch stevens universe?? il watch phineas and ferb too bc honestly who doesnt anime too but not always cartoon ones or w/e

21. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE? 2001: A Space Odyssey and Daughters of the Dust come to mind

22. WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME? u kno where ;) no how big is the treasure?? if its a lil bit id put it in that drawer under the oven bc my family never uses that but if its BIG TREASURE id hide it in the backyard of the last house i lived in bc a. nobody lives there now and 2. its totally overrun with green bc of like two floods

23. WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER? water! only water ever

24. WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN? honey if theyre mcnuggets but other than that i use honey mustard!

25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD? chicky parm

26. WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE? honestly Inception is my feel-good movie

27. LAST PERSON, YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU? a lil babu

28. WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT? i was in girl scouts much longer than i ever wanted to be lmao WISH i coulda done BOY SCOUTS

29. WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE? if cash is involved absolutely

30. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER? aboutttt three months ago!

31. CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL ON A CAR? no but i can watch

32. EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET? when i first got my license yea :( 15 yr olds are dum

33. EVER RAN OUT OF GAS? twice! very good memories

34. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF SANDWICH? egg salad gud

35. BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST? the all star breakfast at waffle house yasssss

36. WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME? honestly like 9 since i always have to wake up at 7 in the am but il stay up til 11 if i can

37. ARE YOU LAZY? absolutely when have ACTIVE ppl done ANYTHING

38. WHEN YOU WERE A KID, WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN? i was usually a cat bc i never could find a costume i liked smh but when i was 2 i went as winnie the pooh lmao

39. WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN? ox!

40. HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK? just english but im tryna learn spanish and japanese and im fluent in french if a two year olds speech patterns can be considered as such

41. DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS? nah

42. WHICH ARE BETTER: LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS? LEGOS lincoln logs are big with nostalgia thoooo

43. ARE YOU STUBBORN? with dumb shit yeah but i usually just dont care enough abt stuff to deal

44. WHO IS BETTER: LENO OR LETTERMAN? theyre both old idc

45. EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS? no lol

46. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? not really tbh i like the adrenaline

47. DO YOU SING IN THE CAR? if im alone!! nobody deserves to hear that

48. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? nahhh

49. DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR? when im in the drive thru haaaa

50. EVER USED A GUN? id like to go to a shooting range some time but ive never used one im also very anti gun so i probs would never buy one unless it was a cute lil glock i can handle well

51. LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER? st patricks day it wasnt technically for me tho

52. DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY? not in general but when ppl start obsessing over a certain one for months on end abt a certain time period and certain performers and certain songs and certain people of history i start wanting ppl to die

53. IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL? YEAH I NEVER HAVE MONEY WTF

54. EVER EAT A PIEROGI? my sisters obsessed with them so yea but never like. authentic polish potato pockets or anything just a frozen box of em

55. FAVORITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE? apple?? im not rly into pie tbh

56. OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID? ive wanted to go into law enforcement/criminology my whole life!! for a sec i wanted to be a firefighter, a journalist/writer/poet, and some sort of artist but u know how kids are

57. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? i tried to find that clip from malcolm in the middle for like ten mins but i couldnt yea

58. EVER HAVE A DEJA-VU FEELING? doesnt everyone tho?

59. DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY? no im a bad adult

60. DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS? nah

61. DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE? im not rich!!

62. WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED? usually just my undies but when im living with other people il wear a soft shirt and my dc heroes pajama bottoms ayyy

63. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT? ive never been to one! i was gonna go see metallica in baltimore but i moved before i could smh

64. WALMART, TARGET, OR KMART? walmart sry targets cool but too much money!!! i go there for home things tho does kmart still exist

65. NIKE OR ADIDAS? ADIDAS ive been trying to get a full adidas tracksuit for YEARS

66. CHEETOS OR FRITOS? fritos! i like the super hot cheetos tho

67. PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS? peanutsssss

68. EVER HEAR OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN? Nope but they must be good im keepin @tickledsims response bc it made me laugh

69. EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS? when i was a lil babu i took ballet and gymnastics a lil later

70. IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING? i hope to never have a spouse  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

71. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? yep

72. EVER WON A SPELLING BEE? ive actually never even had a spelling bee im sure theyre a myth

73. HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY? i think so??

74. OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS? nah

75. OWN A RECORD PLAYER? nahhhhh

76. DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE? no but i had a roommate who did i fell in love

77. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? yeah ok lol so one time when i was a sophomore my french teacher had to use a substitute teacher and hes the reason i believe in love at first sight im STILL in love with him wtf ive also had a bf haha im hilarious

78. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT? i dont really do concerts so i couldnt say but i think matd would be fun!!

79. WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW? oh my god

80. HOT TEA OR COLD TEA? hot!!!!

81. TEA OR COFFEE? coffee!!!!!!

82. SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES? i dont rly like either but i prefer snickerdoodles over sugar

83. CAN YOU SWIM WELL? i can only do that weird frog swim i forget what its called so no im shit at it

84. CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE? ye

85. ARE YOU PATIENT? if im able to distract myself?? it also depends on the severity of what im waiting on i guess

86. DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING? probs a band i guess i dont rly think abt that kinda stuff sry

87. EVER WON A CONTEST? when i was four i won a coloring contest at the ice cream store

88. HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY? nope im poor 89. WHICH ARE BETTER: BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES? both are good!

90. CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET? i can knit but i cant crochet

91. BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE? fckn bathroom

92. DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED? not rly unless its a partnership longlasting romance stresses me out especially with financial responsibility etc

93. IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED? -20 years

94. WHO WAS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH? my high school boyfriend hahaaa h,,,,

95. DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY? im an adult sry

96. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? 1!

97. DO YOU WANT KIDS? nope! lmao i love her tho

98. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? red but i also like many others??? idk

99. DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW? ummm not rly?? im not close enough to anyone to miss them and those i am close to im able to hang with

100. WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TAG TO DO THIS TAG NEXT? god uhhh if you havent done it already and want to, @dreambot @nebula-simms @ellowynsims and @pixelbloom

#tag challenge #nonsims #ty lol that was fun

[myrockbottomfoundation-blog]

Treatment is a Process *Personal Post*

Anyone who knows me or follows me on any of my personal social medias knows that I often share the quote, “Recovery isn’t a straight line.” I hold true to this statement and have experienced it myself. There are several different treatments for depression, including alternative treatments. The two I have the most experience with are talk therapy and hospitalization.  I have also used meditation as self treatment, which is where most of my progress came from.

Let’s start with therapy…

I was in therapy for about a year or two, possibly three. Throughout my time in therapy I went through a lot of therapists. Whether it be from  promotions, transfers, and just no longer working with the company… not one of them stayed. I’m not one for opening up, especially since I had been swept under the rug so many times when trying to talk about my problems with depression, so it would take me a bit to get comfortable enough to actually talk about what was wrong. I never reached this point. Right as I was getting comfortable with one of my therapists’, she ended up having to leave the company. My therapists’ would come to my school to talk to me for about an hour once a week. I saw her one last time, I didn’t know it would be the last time then, right before going on Christmas break. We had talked about getting in touch with each other over break when I knew of a time she could come back to see me once I went back to school. I never heard from her after that. I went back to school and was informed by my school’s guidance counselor that I would no longer be seeing her. I was devastated. No one would explain to me what had happened.

I met with another woman after that maybe twice. I was done with therapy at this point though considering the fact that I never had any luck with it before. I was done getting to know someone and them me, starting to get comfortable, and then having to do it all over again not much later… so we decided that it would be best if I didn’t go back to therapy and take a break from it. This was my experience. I had faith in it when I started, but slowly over time and therapist after therapist, it was clear that therapy wasn’t for me. I tried online therapy at one point too and it was a little more helpful since my therapist was there and reachable at any point in time. That, however, didn’t last long either. It wasn’t helpful because I didn’t want the advice that I had heard time and time again. That was my last attempt with therapy and although I have thought about returning, I haven’t tried again since.

Side note: This does NOT mean that therapy isn’t helpful, nor am I saying that. It just wasn’t a good choice for me personally. Therapy is hit or miss. Sometimes it does take some time to find the right therapist that you’re comfortable enough talking to about anything. Sometimes, like in my case, it doesn’t work out. This doesn’t mean there aren’t other helpful options out there or that you should stop searching for them. Just trust the process and listen to your heart. If it’s helpful and you’re going in the right direction, you will know.

Hospitalizations

I talked a bit about my hospitalizations in my last personal post. Overall, I have had a total of 5 hospitalizations - 4 in the same hospital. My first hospitalization was the worst one in the sense of the place I ended up. I had talked about how hard it was to adjust to being in the hospital and accepting that it was where I needed to be at the time. The hospital was uncomfortable, the staff had it written all over their faces and in their actions that they didn’t really care about us at all, and the environment with some of the girls was at times scary. Due to the stigma against psych wards and behavioral hospitals, the time patients spend there is often not talked about. Like most did, I lied about my feelings while I was there. We would do ratings of how we were feeling that day and I would always say that I was about an eight. To the point where one of the nurses, the only one who ever really cared about us (you can tell because everyone who has been there can tell you about that same nurse), had asked me, “If you’re always doing so well… why are you here?”

The first night there I was under constant vision, which yes… truly constant vision. Someone had to sit outside the shower while I was showering. Someone had to sit outside my door while I slept. Both of these things I hated, not that I would think anyone would truly enjoy that, and I cried myself to sleep that night. I’m not someone who normally cried, but I had cried more in those first three days than I had in about three years time. There were locks on everything. You had to ask to go to the bathroom. There was a level system there and you only got certain things when you reached those levels. Going outside was a 4th level thing and really only happened once while I was there anyways. That hospitalization lasted for about 8 days. There was a lot going on in those 8 days outside of the hospital as well, although that I won’t go over at this time, it was heavy stuff. So I knew when I was leaving the hospital that I wasn’t going home to an easy welcoming home process. However, when my release day came I was still extremely happy to get out of there. I had all of my stuff and I couldn’t get to the car fast enough. That’s when I really realized the true beauty of nature and how precious our freedom is.

I kept myself out of the hospital for 3 years before being admitted to another hospital. Now, you might think Oh she went three years without being hospitalized so she must have been doing well. Wrong you are… that was not the case. I just knew what would get me hospitalized and what wouldn’t. I also knew that if I were honest about what I was doing it was likely to happen. So I became even more quiet about my struggles. No matter how many times I tried, however, the common statement throughout my hospitalizations was that I never said anything to anyone and they had no idea, which was later admitted to me by a family member as false information. This came up often in my next 4 hospitalizations, which happened all in about a month give or take. Two of my hospitalizations were due to suicidal attempts and two were due to self-harming. I won’t go over all of my hospitalizations, just the ones that were the most severe.

One of the hospitalizations that was from a suicidal attempt was due to overdosing and although I had been overdosing on pills for years, this was the worst overdose in the sense that I shouldn’t have come back from it. It was a Sunday, the night before I was supposed to take my ACTs. I had just had dental work done so I had a prescription of vicodin for pain and one for inflammation. I also was on Prozac at the time so I had a bottle of that as well. One of my family members had been prescribed Ativan, which I ended up taking as well. I was laying in bed that night trying to fall asleep and I had my pills sitting on my dresser to the left of my bed. As I was trying to fall asleep I had a voice in my head that was telling me just to take a couple of pills. The longer I tried to ignore the thought, the louder the voice would get. Eventually, after tossing and turning for a while, I gave in. I took a couple of pills and tried to go to sleep. Once again I lay tossing and turning and the voice was nagging just take a couple more. I once again tried to ignore the thought, but was unable to. So, I took more. Eventually it got to the point where my Prozac bottle was empty and the other bottles count was dwindling. I didn’t remember exactly how many pills I had took. Finally, I guess I had fallen asleep.

The next morning my mom was getting ready to leave to go to town when she noticed my car was still in the garage. Since I was supposed to be ready and had left for school at this point, it was a red flag. She told me she had come downstairs and tried to wake me up, but was unable to wake me. She said as soon as I opened my eyes she knew something was horribly wrong because my eyes were rolling in the back of my head. I couldn’t support myself and she could barely support my body weight either. I don’t remember much from that morning. I do remember coming into consciousness and hearing her tell me that we were going to the hospital. She tried to drive me herself, but out of fear and not knowing what was going on she called an ambulance instead. I remember waking up in the hospital and it being very dark. There was one light above me and I could see my mom and sister and noticed my dad and my brother in the background, but I could barely see them since it was so dark. I was out of my mind, had tried to stop breathing a couple times, and remember threatening to rip out my IV if someone else didn’t take it out instead. To no surprise, I was sent back to the hospital that I had been to once before for a suicide attempt. This hospital was a lot better than the first one I ever went to in the sense of there was a bit more freedom, the staff actually cared about it’s patients, and we had more privileges given to us if we didn’t do anything to have them taken away… including going outside for about an hour after groups when it was nice enough to. However, I wasn’t ready to quit what I was doing and I was at the lowest point of rock bottom I had ever hit to this day. So I returned a couple times. That hospitalization I believe lasted for almost two weeks.

One of the hospitalizations that was due to me self-harming was also the worst bout of self-harming I had ever had as well. I was sitting in my basement, which was where my room and everything was, and I had music playing on my computer through my TV. I was listening to Hurt by Johnny Cash, which was a dangerous song when I was super depressed. I remember being fine for the most part and then all of a sudden I got the thought to cut myself. My eyes went right to where I kept my razors and I don’t remember actually self-harming, just coming to after I had finished and being confused as to what just happened. This next part is gory and can be triggering, so proceed with that thought in mind, but I had blood everywhere. It was dripping down my arms, dripping down my legs. At one point I got up to go to the bathroom to try and get myself cleaned up some and had a trail of blood going into the bathroom. I didn’t want to wake up my mom and had been texting my sister before the episode had happened, so I texted her and told her what happened. I didn’t want her to see it and still have some self loathing towards myself because of it, but she came to my mom’s and her boyfriend carried me upstairs. A police officer showed up, an ambulance showed up, and I was transported to the hospital. I laid in my sister’s arms screaming and begging them not to take me. While I was in the ambulance on my way to the hospital one of the male EMT’s was talking to me trying to figure out why I had done what I did. I didn’t want to talk to him and so I didn’t. At one point he said, “You know there are other ways to get attention right?” Although I won’t get into that because it will take away from where I’m going in this post, this is what many people with real mental health issues and addiction problems have to face. People thinking it’s just for attention when it’s truly a life threatening problem that most don’t even fully understand themselves. Moving on… this was the hospitalization where I was told if I was hospitalized again for the same reason that I would be going to a residential hospital (where they can keep you longer than three weeks, where behavioral hospitals cannot.)  

Those hospitalizations were when I came into meditation. I tried meditation and it took me a while to actually get into, but it finally ended up working. I learned a lot about myself through meditation and started making huge steps forward, which is how I made it to where I am today. It was helpful in learning how to quiet my mind long enough to talk myself out of the negative thoughts coming my way. Guided meditations are useful when starting out, they teach you the process and talk you through it. There are hundreds of different guided meditations for different things on YouTube. Once you get a little more experienced, meditation music with binaural beats is incredibly helpful as well. I think I have mentioned those once before. Doing some further research on those specific types is actually quite interesting as well especially if you are someone who takes an interest in science.

I want to say once again that just because something works or doesn’t work for me, doesn’t mean that it will or won’t work for you. It’s all just a matter of finding what suits you best. Art, music, fashion, psychology and learning about mental illnesses and how the brain works, watching documentaries, walking, exercising. There are so many coping skills out there. Some will work better and faster than others. Some will be frustrating and some will just come naturally. Find whatever works for you and stick with it. Have faith that it will work and that you will find your happy ending. You will find that peace within yourself. Just another reminder as well that you are never alone. Someone out there loves you. Someone needs you. Someone wants you here with every fiber of their being. You are wanted and needed. You are worthy. You WILL recover.

Thank you to anyone who actually takes the time to read this. Again, I always want to be open, honest, and real with you all.

Until next time loves. Stay safe, stay strong, and keep pushing forward.  

#mental health #depression #personal post #awareness #self-help #meditation