#i will commit a crime here on this day

[silverwhittlingknife]

from this real advice column:

i see you person who wrote this sdfsdfdsf

#stephanie brown #at first i wasn't sure and then we got to 'she calls herself spoiler' and then i was sure sdfsdfs #nobody in the comments section seems to have twigged to it which makes it extra-amusing #there you are just having a tiring day at your job (supervillaining) #when your ungrateful teen daughter tries to RUIN IT (stop you from committing all the crime) #will she grow out of it or is this awful superhero stage here to stay #anyway people in the comment section were speculating about what damning details the writer was probably leaving out #however understandably nobody guessed 'crime spree'

[masonjarart]

Just watching how Ramon acts with sunny you can see how much he cares for her he doesn't want her to go through all of the things he has (even though she and the other new eggs probably went through some stuff on egg island) like all that kid wants is for his family to be safe and now this with forever threatening all the eggs he must be more scared than ever there's only so much he can do to protect her from that gun

#i dont understand Portuguese so with forevers lore rn I'm just going off of vibes and the lovely live bloggers on here #shout out to yall <33 the only reason ik anything #i did watch his stream but pretty much everything went over my head lmaooo #ive only had ramon and sunnys ralationship for a couple of days but if anything happened to them i would commit so many crimes #qsmp #qsmp eggs

[ladysophiebeckett]

'he said\she said no pickles' ass pose

#ysblf #betty la fea #mystuff #not what i wanted to post on my special day since i have 4 different unfinished things but i wanted to post something so #they mutually try to defend and protect each other #but armando is so loud about it and betty is so much more subtle #anyway betty's stoic face as she stares at the cop guy always sends me #betty: yes this is my boss and also owner of this here building. he is not commiting a crime. #betty: unless the crime is being a beautiful drag queen. #need to work my lawyer AU damn it.....

[kaltacore]

sometimes I wonder what bioware actually wanted to achieve when they wrote the whole anders arc and then decided how they should treat it in DA:I. like they created a guy who was helping people in need for years risking his freedom and sometimes even life and then they said you know what this guy is BAD and WRONG. actually much worse than organization that ultimately fails at its main goal which is maintaining peace and balance. oh that poor chantry lady who didn't even try to keep her favourite templar and her mass murder tendencies in check

#i really want to know what was going on in their minds #like it's stated in the game that templars in kirkwall circle were constantly committing literal hate crimes and no one batted an eye #but when some guy blows up fancy building to prevent a legalized mass murder well THAT'S too much #so many questions here my dudes #honestly if i were anders this whole city would be lying in ruins back in act 2 #the way he's portrayed as some crazy ass apostate who just wante to kill people for fun in dai? #yall gotta be kidding me #that's the guy who literally thought he deserved to die by his friend/lover's hand for his deeds you're talking about #it's so weird. making your character deep and compassionate and regretful just to pretend that he was just some crazy terrorist #and yeah fuck elthina #fuck the chantry #anders was right #dragon age

[introspectivememories]

literally can't stop thinking about mafia!bernard and police informant!tim

it got too long for the tags

bear's in the mafia for whatever reason

and tim is part of a police team called idfk the bats

anyway bear's mafia is getting too big and they need sm1 on the inside. enter tim.

tim is a police legacy. his dad was a policeman and so was his father's father and on it goes

and he might've made it onto captain wayne's team but he's desperate to prove to the force that he's not a fuckin nepo baby

so he takes the job. enter bernard who only meets tim after he's been on the mission for a year now.

bear quickly takes a liking to this new recruit who's efficient and smart and has the tiniest waist he's ever seen.

and tim goes along with this liking cause hey information from the top will be more valuable right?

and they fall into this fuckbuddies relationship that quickly becomes way more. because like fuck bear looks at tim like he's worth smth

like he's more than what his parents have set out for him. like he's somebody. like he loves tim for tim. and not for what tim can do for him.

and fuck he loves bear and his smiles. the way his eyes crinkle and his gums show. he loves the way bear looks with a gun in his hands and he knows that's fucked up but the first time he saw bear with a gun in his hands and blood splattered across his face he had to actively stop himself from jumping bear in front of the mafia. and no matter how rough bear is when he's on the field he always caresses tim's cheeks with a softness tim didn't know was possible

and fuck his dick is massive and it's really not helping tim's feelings. and he knows he's compromised and fuck cpt. wayne probs knows too

but shit bear holds him like he's precious. bear looks at him like he loves him. bear twines their bodies together like he'll die if they part

bear whispers sweet nothings into his ears as they fall asleep and it'll break him when he has to give bear up but he's always been selfish

he'll keep this for as long as he can. (please lord let him have this.)

and on bear's end he really only becomes interested in this new recruit when he watches the boy deliver 10 backhanded compliments in a row

and nobody pick up on it. it takes 3 months before bear figures out that tim's a spy and still he keeps seeing him

bc it doesn't matter that tim'll be his downfall. it doesnt matter that tim doesnt really love him or care about him. that it's only a mission for tim bc tim is the best thing bear's life.

he is the sun to bear's moon. the first word on his lips when he wakes up and the last when he goes to sleep.

and he loves every version of tim -- when he's caustic and biting, when he's blissed out in bed covered in the marks bernard left, when he's laughing, when he's crying

every version on tim is a version he likes. and one of these days, his pretty bird is going to have to leave their nest but at least bear can hold tim until then

at least bear can press promises into his thighs. at least he can whisper his devotion into the crook of tim's neck. at least he can leave marks on tim -- lovebites on his neck, handprints on his thighs and hips -- a tapestry that says "i was here. and i loved him. i love him and i am here."

but until that day comes, bear will work on quitting smoking and turning his favorite safehouse into a home for them.

(please lord, just let him have this. just let him have tim.)

#honestly if i was to sum up this au in one sentence it'd be #'dick so good you'd let them commit war crimes' #he quits smoking cause his baby has no spleen. tim nearly cries when he hears that #bear always kisses tim before he leaves in 3s. one to the forehead. one to both cheeks. and one to his lips. #the first time tim says 'welcome home!' to bear he has to take 3 business days to recover #the first time bear comes over to money-laundering coffee shop front tim's been assigned to with a bouquet of flowers tim spends the rest #week giggling to himself. also tim and bear get relentlessly teased by their coworkers. #and when all is said and done and the mission comes to an end and tim has to arrest bear he does it with a tremble in his hands and tears #in his eyes. and bear's eyes are so sad almost mournful with the way they look at him in his police uniform #'hey pretty baby. here to lock me up at last?' bear asks #'you knew?' tim whispers. bear nods slowly like doing it any faster will spook tim off. the hand holding his gun trembles. #'then why-' #'why do you think tim?' bear responds quietly 'i love you.' #tim chokes on his sob. 'i did too y'know. i do too.' #bear smiles sadly 'but the job comes first right?' #and tim has nothing to say to that. tim loves bear and bear loves tim and it's not enough. maybe it was never enough. #anyway #how yall doin #i'm so normal about them i swear #bernard dowd #tim drake #timbern #timber #dc

[emmagail-brainrot]

C: “So, does she have hella powers like Max does too?”

E: “Hm? Powers? No powers. Well. Maybe. She does have the power to get whatever she wants from me.”

—-

M: “Wowser, you did the cover art for this issue?”

A: “Yep! Turns out if you keep sending them your ideas in the mail and also emailing the lead artist enough times every week, your perseverance might pay off!”

#Abi and max have been nerding the hell out and sharing their hyperfixations with each other #and appreciating each others art forms #they haven’t stopped to take a breath for over an hour #it’s good enrichment for the both of them #meanwhile emma and chloe have been comparing how weird their gfs are and how much their weird interests makes them love them more #Chloe: does Abi have *same special interest as max*? #emma: oh my god don’t even get me started on *special interest* it’s all she can talk about sometimes #emma: she told me everything about the Sahara desert over the last 5000 years the other day #emma: and I loved every second of it #I had to get all the blorbos together at least once #also don’t worry they’re all 21+ here no crimes have been committed #yet #also this image is 4K by 4K so if tumblr eats the quality of it lemme know and I can send it direct #emmagail #blygbank #abigail blyg #the quarry #chloe price #max caulfield #pricefield #life is strange #emma mountebank #mounteblyg #rarepair hell

[coffeeshib]

how is mochi ?

the demon gets chonkier by the day 🤨

#he may look. polite here but don't be fooled he is an absolute demon committing house crimes as always #hope you're having a lovely day!! i give mochi a little kiss on the forehead for you 😌 #asks

[valiant-portabella-pirkko]

FLOURISH AU - PACT ADMIRAL TRIN - TRIN ENTERPRISES

Pact Oceanic Navigator and Aid Supplier

"I have a debt to repay, Commander, and I intend to see it through. You gave me and my crew a fresh start and that's worth more than any price in gold. We're not soldiers, but if you need us we'll be there."

"Now we've finally got something worth fighting for."

#gw2 #guild wars 2 #Mai Trin #Flourish AU #finally got a bunch of mounts for her! she still needs more tho #(i had a lot of gems saved from gold -> gem transfers) #all of them have a story but i'll get into that another day #for now you get a photoshoot because she needed one #'i should talk about Flourish more' i say and then refuse to elaborate. like always. i am an organized person #the short version is this is the triple-commander AU where Ceara and Saoirse are co-running things with Pirkko because neither broke off #so Mai joining the Pact is one of the many butterfly effects! #she gets introduced during the Zhaitan campaign so she's a REALLY early addition; she gets more important later tho #her arc is pretty comparable to Canach tbh except she joins willingly after the Commander saves her crew from Risen #(she does not realize that the Risen were only there because Ceara can't stop committing war crimes regardless of universe. bonks her) #anyway. scurries away and leaves this here #Pact Admiral Mai Trin #my posts

[se-hos]

LMFAO YOU’RE TELLING ME WYLL TOOK KARLACH AND MY TAV BACK TO AVERNUS AT THE END AND I COULDN’T ROMANCE THEM BOTH????

outrageous. ridiculous. nonsense.

#bg3 spoilers #baldur's gate 3 #baldur's gate #ds.txt #a crime was committed here on this day #i was robbed #and it’s EVEN WORSE BC MY PLAN WAS ORIGINALLY ROMANCE THEM BOTH BEFORE WE LEARNED WE COULDN’T #anyway….. i finished finally!!!! #gonna romance astarion next 🥰

[clowningaroundmars]

WHAT is with tumblr posting drafts without me even hittin the post button?

b r u h

#mine #when i tell you i nearly had a heart attack when i saw that a LONG post i was workin on #just automatically posted last night. BOY #i was about to commit a crime #luckily i was able to quickly save it and shuffle it on over to my notes app #but boy was i mad #like tumblr. wtf #note to self: never edit long hc posts on this app i GUESS #ugh #now i have to re-reformat everything when im done and ready to post it here #annoyingggg #im glad i didnt lose All Of That tho bc i swear this next hc post i got up my sleeves is literally 20 pages long #i have been COOKING for the past couple days okay yall LOL #i have Many Thoughts #and it would've been a travesty if i lost it all #cuz i certainly woulda been sad as hell that i lost all those words i spent hours meticulously typing up and editing 😔

[toytulini]

idk. picky eater rights. im coming to your events and turning my picky bitch nose up at your fancy ass desserts you spent a bajillion hours working over in the kitchen and asking if i can find like a basic ass brownie with no extra flairs or ingredients or steps or whatever the fuck. cry about it. stop trying to feed me

#toy txt post #they gotta have some picky eater bitches be the judges on those food competition shows i stg #sorry for committing the unforgivable sin of my tastebuds didnt enjoy the food you made. it was intended as a personal slight actually #i am trying to offend you for real. yeah. thats definitely whats happening. god/sssss #like god irl if i dont like food you made ill try to be fuckin gracious about it buf dont fucking get mad at me for like. idk. prepping my #own foods you percieve as worth less or whatever the fuck. ppl are so fucking weird about food. #honestly guy on prev post didnt even dislike the cake it sounded like but was just experiencing the human emotion of disappointment #when the little specific joy he was looking forward too was not what he expected. if she had asked him 'do you mind if i make a similar cake #that is not the exact same as the one you asked for? maybe he wouldve been fine cos he wouldnt have been looking forward to that specific #thing. OR maybe he wouldve said if youre not going to make this very specific one im looking forward to then dont bother i dont want you #wasting the time and effort and then she wouldnt have been mad. or maybe she wouldve. ppl do get weird about that kind of thing #maybe saying that wouldve been a crime too. guess that dumb asshole shouldve shut up and eaten his stupid cake and enjoyed it and said #nothing. a recipe for happiness #anyway. hot take ig stop putting nuts in desserts. alllergy havers will prolly thank you but you know who else will thank you? #every day i see takes about food that make me think i really should be more of a picky bitch eater on maim to knock yall pretentious #food fuckers down a peg tbh. every day i resist the urge but god how yall test me. let me be the judge on a cooking show. #weird assholes who are rude abt ppl having allergies or sensory issues: come here. im going to break you #anyway more of us picky bitches who are picky just for like. casual reasons. we should he loud picky bitches on main. if a cook or baker or #whatever can accommodate my picky bitch ass thats difficult to feed for no reason we can be sure they can accommodate allergy havers #and ppl w medical restricted diets. if they can be gracious about me just not vibing w the food then they can def be gracious about more #sensitive reasons. yea i could choke down the food i dont like probably. it wouldnt make me throw up or send me to the hospital. but why #should i? if youre an asshole to me about simply not liking your shit then why the hell would i feel safe disclosing medical info to your #bitch ass? why would i trust you to follow it? and not try to sneak some shit in bc you think you know better about food? #anyway #picky eater rights. let ppl be picky for no apparent reason. cos the ppl who have uwu Good Valid Reasons(tm) dont fucking owe you that #explanation

[themostsanebug]

Turquoise, black, lavender, and evil red

YAPP!! YAHOOOO!!!

also, im sorryg im so gay,, my two favorite online siblings have already said the evil red one and im ehehdbshsbjcs,, ill stop being gay in the near future 😞😞💔💔 (no i wont,, infact i will be more gay because,, hus,, husbands are pre,, tty,,)

#fly man yaps!! #fly answering asks!! #really livin by the motto 've gay do crime's out here #(i haven't committed a crime a day in my life)

[moe-broey]

Ran out of answer spaces but! I felt it was important to split off Team Plasma since there is a significant ideological difference between them (as far as I remember each ideation of Team Rocket has the same goals/beliefs, Giovanni himself just stepped down and changed his mind)

That said! This is less about favorite gen and more about believing in the beliefs -- especially interesting to consider if you align with the Main Villain and their outlook, or if you believe in the so-called "cause" that may or may not be true, or have some truth to it (like, if you wanted to help Pokemon like og Plasma and Aether Foundation).

Sorry to lump Yell and Star together, I was going chronologically!! You'll have to specify which and why in the tags haha (if you want to that is!)

And honestly that goes for any choice, sell it to me. Why should I join Your team?

#pokemon #i'm sure this has been done before but also i want to have a specific focus on like. WHY you're joining. beyond favoritism! #i've already made my choice tbh it's team skull. like they have a point and an extremely valid reason to be angry. #if you can't measure up and do the island challenge as expected ESP when it is SO culturally significant in alola #what do you even do. ofc you're gonna be washed up and burned out and carrying the weight of failure with you always. #until one day you're like 'hey isn't weird we put so much pressure on literal 11 year olds actually' #and then you start questioning tradition and expectations and the system and you're like okay. #LET'S START COMMITTING CRIME #really i think the only area they went wrong was to bully the 11y/os about it instead of directing their rage #at the adults who put them in that situation in the first place. LIKE. imagine a world where team skull on top of being public nuisances #were instead actively trying to recruit every kid doing the island challenge to their cause #to dismantle the significance of the island challenge and maybe where they go wrong here is #they're 'too destructive' and there's a place to meet in the middle (can be an annoying message but also. kids game LMFAO) #that said it would be really interesting how they'd interact w the captains as well cause a lot of them are kids too #are they also regarded as victims of an unfair system like the island challengers or someone who upholds it? #ultimately team skull is still a red herring but. it would make for some wild world building! #also team star is extremely based and have done nothing wrong in their entire lives. i am fighting the school board about it.

[sorrygotthesesacks]

Not fandom related but…

I sure hope I’m not the one who set off the alarm when I entered the building this morning. 😳

#one more reason they should’ve let me work from home #guess we’ll see if I committed the crime of arriving too early #especially since I’ve been here earlier #but this happened to me one before at a different building #and I wasn’t even the first one through the doors that day #why does technology hate me

[polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup]

oh my god i'm so in love with all the fic ideas you talked about, but especially the last two with the castles kidnapping matt in like a friendly and well-meaning way. it's so funny to me and also the dynamic here would be absolutely excellent. never realised i needed a pro-crime hyper-competent maria castle in my life but apparently i do???

the dynamic in those, but especially the christmas one, is fucking hilarious. i love it so much. i'd write it tomorrow if i had the time

like the castles are treating this like one of those times where you pick up a puppy out of a cardboard box in a kmart parking lot and like, it's a little scrawny and underfed and feral and yeah, it probably would have been smarter to pick one out of the shelter where at least you know they've been checked out and have their shots and everything, but you know, the kids wanted one so bad and it's christmas, and it's cold and the poor thing's probably going to freeze to death in the cardboard box, so you bring it home, and suddenly it's in these new and unfamiliar surroundings and it keeps trying to skitter out the front door every time it opens, so maybe you have to keep it in a back room or tied up for a while and you hand feed it treats until it stops trying to run away and like, you know eventually the puppy's going to warm up to you as long as you treat it right and when that happens you'll have a happy new member of the family that you can probably shove felt reindeer antlers on for the family christmas card

meanwhile matt's treating this like a fucking kidnapping

#it's so funny to me #like matt is somehow in the minority in thinking kidnapping an adult man is a big deal #normally he'd be able to hurl is body out a third story window and fuck off #but devastantly frank is one of the few people on the planet that can go toe to toe with him on a good day #and he keeps dragging matt off the windowsills and acting like matt's being ridiculous for trying to escape his own kidnapping #also he could try to just fuckin. kick flip frank #but it's so much harder to do that to maria and the kids #and it's SO AWKWARD to get into a physical confrontation with the dad of the kids whose lives you saved and who idolize you now #like merry christmas kids i need to punch your dad #maybe the real kidnapping was the societal conventions we found along the way #also matt's not super at one hundred percent on account of he took on the CIA in a t-shirt and sweatpants and like he WON but it's not GOOD #matt spends this entire time like 'please stop trying to teach me about the magic of christmas time' #'i need you to start treating this hostage situation seriously this is a federal crime you are committing a FEDERAL CRIME' #and maria's engaging in mild gaslighting like 'that's a bit dramatic dear here have a sugar cookie' #matt: 'i don't want a sugar cookie i want you to UNLOCK THE HANDCUFFS' #see the thing is that i'm absolutely convinced teh castles are absolutely fucking insane all of them #like we know frank is not above zip tying a child to the bed and kidnapping her for her own safety #maybe they're just all like that #the moral of the story is that this nice young man helped them and is living a horrible fucking existence so there's no reason why #they can't forcefully adopt him and make him take his medication and recover in their nice guest bedroom instead of a fucking boiler room #like this is 60% physical force and 40% a guilt trip keeping him captive

[thewingedwolf]

having a group of gay friends where this is their first group of gay friends apparently means they don’t find my “our one token straight friend is like a little gay” jokes funny apparently aksjsjs or when i bitch specifically about the gay dating scene near chicago being dominated by annoying white ex theater gays, they immediately get into like “well there are messy gay poc” yeah i’m aware of that, i’m talking about a really specific issue with the gays in this area pls keep up

#it is a well accepted fact that the gay scene in chicago has a large annoying white gay section who are the Messiest & Cringiest bitches #that have ever lived and every gay scene has A Group that annoys the shit out of everyone else in the scene okay aksjsns #all the lesbians in my area are either married with kids or constantly at a club and i know this bc i have dated lesbians in this area #half the stereotypes about gay people in illinois are about the ex theater gays or party gays in boystown like aksjdjdj come on #i cannot be the only one in tune with the Community here #also if u don’t agree that our straight friend who is always mentioning female celebs she’d go gay for wouldn’t fall in love with some #lady version of sam heughan when she wears an outlander mask to work every day u r just factually incorrect okay #rani makes text posts no one will read #but we were talking about these really specific messy white gay people we know & it’s like yeah so one of them already having a committed #partner 2 weeks after filing for divorce & all of them being like high powered lawyers that spend their free time taking their kids to see #wicked at the oriental theater is just a really specific type of gay person that i’ve dated a lot aksksjsj #and also they’ve been in my friend groups. they’re the only ones with cars everyone else takes the train everywhere & they refuse to go on #dates outside of chicago city limits like they’re gonna get hate crimed the moment they step off the el #which is double funny bc like do u think i live in fucking waukegan do i look like i make that much money no ur not gonna get hate crimes in #this democratic stronghold area like every other person that walks in has a pride pin or pink hair ur good buddy.