#i will never take better pictures of myself

[zmb1eslut]

Never healing wounds.

I heard footsteps that sounded like mine,

word count: 1,4K

synopsis: Whatever his mother knew, she knew her. A part of Luke wished he would never have to, yet there she was crawling in the forest.

A/N: Luke Castellan's POV

Her name. It echoed in my mind like I was trapped in an empty and narrow space, as if I was being held down against my will to hear it over and over again. 

But it was just me, she was just there, with a smile on her face introducing herself. 

It wasn't even her voice the one I heard, but that question. The question that came almost every day when I came from school. 'How is your friend doing?' to then speak about a girl I've never even met. At one point, I just played along and said she was okay. Made up fake stories or lied about real ones. For my mother every girl looked like her. And for me, it was all the same. 

I already knew about her. About a girl being here, I mean.

We were finishing a Senior Council Reunion and Chiron pulled Lee to the side and... maybe they didn't go far enough to avoid some prying ears to come by. And they were speaking about her, about an unstable girl they found in the forest without a protector. About how much discretion was needed to avoid exposing her to the rest of camp, just for everyone's safety. 

I had heard about her, so I didn't quite expect to discover a girl so polite, small in demeanor... frail. Her every step was muted, her every sound was raspy, coarse, deprived. It was like she was untrained at being alive. But the instincts of any prey would hide from her gaze as something about her felt unnervingly... strange. 

They had told me to go pick up a new camper to the cabin, and I hadn't connected the dots until it wasn't Chiron the one who introduced her to me. As I walked in, I shot the Apollo counselor a questioning glance to which he walked closer to me and explained "I was the one in her care and we think she grew attached".

I found that information rather impressive but before I could think of an answer she cleared her throat to get our attention. My eyes then fixed on her figure all the way across the tiny room. Her presence was small but she was clearly fighting to take up some space, sitting with her chin up, her weight resting on her fists, both being as far as possible from her hips. A knowing, resigned, almost mocking shy smile as she looked at him. 

“People say… It’s rude to whisper in front of others”. Her voice was taunting and soft, and if you ask me I suspect that was meant as a joke. Neither of us laughed, though. And I wasn’t sure if she was supposed to stand up, if I was supposed to get close. Every action I could take felt like stepping out of my place, she wasn’t even looking at me.

“My bad. You’re… right about that.” He said walking back to her. It was awkward in a way so different to what I was used to. An awkward in which all of us knew we wanted things to be better yet we just didn’t know how to start it all over. He helped her get up and only then a soft, almost fake chuckle filled the room, and I looked at them silently, making a smile on my face as I inserted myself on the exchange. She finally acknowledged my presence. She looked me up and down with a smile. 

“So he's the one showing me around?” I could catch some of her factions, the work she seemed to put on her posture, knots on her hair I could picture her fighting each morning, deep wounds on her body, bloodshot eyes, and a putrid smell that hadn't gone away after what were probably so many baths. And I answered before Fletcher could.

“Yeah that’s me.” Extending my hand at her with a challenging warmth. “Luke Castellan”.  And she nodded with a gleam in her eyes.

“I’ll make sure to remember that”. Was her answer as she delicately shook my hand. Her tired and joyous eyes met mine, and then she introduced herself and my stomach turned, and the world went colorful in a horrible way. Everything started to look out of place. Suddenly I hated that she smiled with her teeth, they seemed too big, and her eyes were liveless in an eccentric way. Was her skin going gray? Was she inside my head? I felt her hands strangling me yet she was so far away. She was close to me. And my fucking mom’s voice was resounding in my brain. I felt like the world was layered and suddenly Lee was too far, and my camp duty was escaping my grip, the room becoming small and then there was her. Who the fuck was her? 

I breathed deeply to calm myself, hiding the fact with a playful sigh. She was just a girl. I was okay. I looked around to convince myself the place looked the same.  

“You’re ready to walk? This place is immense.” I asked half genuinely, half teasingly, looking at her unsure stance, she then stared at the Apollo counselor who just nodded amused at her curious expression. She went back to me.

“Okay. I'll…  do my best.”

"Is it like... always like this?" I knew what she meant, as she insisted on walking under the shadow of the trees, the sun and heat didn't seem like her favorite thing. I laughed, she was really going to need to get used to that.

"All year 'round" I shouted affirmatively. And I was met with a whine in response.

She lazily followed my step around camp, exploring the space with her eyes, her hands, one foot in front of the other, discovering the buildings almost like a new land. She nodded to every new face around, and most nodded back.

It was almost alluring just how fast she decided to fit in, just how few questions she bothered to ask. I wondered if maybe she already knew what she was going to find...

"Hey so, I don't wanna be rude-"

"But?" She asked with a mischievous smile.

"How... Did you get here exactly? What's your story if it's not... you know... too much."

"Oh!" She looked at me surprised and thought for a couple seconds. "I just walked."

"You... walked? Care to elaborate?" I was almost annoyed at her vagueness. She laughed.

"Like this" And she proceeded to just stump ahead.

"Alone?"

"Alone." She turned around and nodded. So I had to be specific with my questions, I guessed.

"How did you not get lost?"

"I did. I wasn't planning on getting here. I was just... clearing my mind and... suddenly I didn't see the point of going back."

"You ran from home then?"

"Just walked." I actually laughed at that. "I..." Her tone became just a little bit more reflective, yet she didn't really seem affected much. "Wasn't planning on running because I wasn't planning on escaping at all, but suddenly time made no sense and, what the fuck was I even doing on the same always nonsensical noise tying me down? Who cares, you know?" I stayed silent processing before she frowned a bit. "Actually probably someone did but it's not like it feels like it matters. 'cause it didn't matter either when they didn't. Does that make sense?" I chuckled.

"Not at all" I looked at her before adding in a softer tone "but I totally get it".

"Most people here I guess". So she did actually understand this place.

"Exactly" We kept walking until we arrived at the path of the cabins and I remembered to ask. "So... huh... you got... any idea who your godly parent might be?" And she smiled.

"Not at all"

"Well... okay. It's not like it matters until you get claimed."

"And... when does that happen?"

"Whenever they feel like it"

"Great" We kept walking silently as a satyr passed past us. I only noticed cause he kept looking at her, she almost ignored him in exchange. She still had no questions about anything at all... It made some sense as she was already older than most kids coming to camp. But that was actually the strangest thing. If she knew so much, why hadn't she come earlier? And why didn't she know who her parent was?

"Do you have any suspicion though?"

"What are my options?" She asked and... maybe she actually didn't know that much.

#I don't feel like it's ready #but I can't keep starting it over every day #it's not even getting better #pjo #luke castellan x reader #pjo tv show #luke castellan #percy jackson series

[hi-im-dori]

my ship is setting sail figuratively and literally

starting hrt at sea call that transatlantic

anyway this is my last unadulterated by estrogen femboy friday i suppose 🏳️‍⚧️

thank you all for existing and i love you 💕

#femboy #196 #femboy friday #r196 #r/196 #alcoholic femboy #nonalcoholic femboy #this is a big fucking deal to me cos i spent near two decades thinking i’d never be here #and now it’s in front of me and i am starting and ahhhhhhhhhhhhh #i’m going on a cruise btw i have queue set up to drip feed you all for added serotonins #maybe i’ll take some pictures on the boat or in the bahamas if i work up the courage :3 #please leave me nice notes so i feel better about myself it’s my first photo in forever :c #wifi is expensive on cruises #pictures of me

[a-little-bit-poss]

.

#hit me that wow i survived childhood #i dont think ive ever really given myself credit for that #ive always deflected it #i always had to like present like a plan of the future to my mom so i never really carried the thought of like #not surviving #but like i was always very self destructive and cataclysmic and splitting #and i never really recognized that about myself until i really started dealing with debilitating depression in college #college and dropping out and going back #i never really synthesized that time in life as a singular version of myself #cuz i was going thru a lot of changes in those years #i am having a lil bit of a 'who am i' thing right this moment #idk #anti depressants are good #well im funny and im chill i know that much #i have music and shows that i like #i like taking pictures of my cat and making patches #painting and drawing #my brain has always been faster with ideas than words and that why i used to stutter #that and my mom wanted me to be right handed which idk but i was told that had something to do with it #ill take any opportunity to be smug because i think its funny #i angst about how i miss my family but i objectively do better the less i talk to them #im really glad i dont want to hurt myself these days

[troublcmakcrs]

//we're getting places "you're not getting anywh-" WE'RE GETTING PLACES!!!!!!

#vis :: ( craig ) #ver :: college ( craig ) #mun art #//i've been struggling with him for so long #//and it's bc i wrote myself into a corner on one thread. to say that craig basically hasn't changed hairstyles in like 10 years #//and then eli was like ehhh give him some hair gel #//which i was terrified if doing bc... again... my former hc that said craig did NOTHING with his hair #//BUT I'M SO GLAD I DID IT... IT WAS ONLY ONE THREAD... IT CAN AND SHOULD BE RETCONNED #//the first one was heavily referenced off a picture of jonathan togo #//he's not a perfect 1-to-1 for craig but i like his head shape and slightly droopy eyes #//he's a lil dweeby lookin but still cute 💕 #//and the other two were my attempts at loosening him up a bit #//trying to push him towards my cartoonier style so he better matches with tweek #//it is so easy to go BALLS TO THE WALLS with exaggerating tweek's features #//one of my favorite tweek drawings is the final girl comic where their eyes take up like 75% of their face lmfao #//craig is DECEPTIVELY hard to draw bc he is by all accounts Just Some Fucking Guy #//i'm so annoyed bc i cannot draw his hair at the angle that best accentuates his scars #//but whatever we'll suffer thru it every time; labor of love 💖 #//accepting that i'm gonna have to suck at drawing craig until i start being really good at drawing craig JDKAJSKAJ #//craig with half his face torn up: no dude i'm good; i've never suffered anything in my life #//i gotta draw him and tweek together; that would help with getting them stylistically consistent #//i also have got to draw craig looking more pissed off wtf is he so happy for? >:(

[captain-crowfish]

They say to never trust how you feel about your life after 9PM but it's always before 9PM somewhere. Anyway I think I might be a therian

#don't take this post 100% seriously I've been sick and #crying my eyes out to “no more birthdays” associating the song with trying to relive a childhood that isn't mine (childhood trauuuumaaaaaa) #that's a big problem I have #deep down I always think someday I'm gonna wake up and I will have been born a few years earlier- #so I can be an “appropriate” age to experience all my favorite media as it releases and interact accordingly #i always think- if that were the case I could have avoided my traumatic years and grown up much happier #don't get me wrong- I'm happy right now- you'd be hard pressed to find me on a day I'm not #but there's some existentialism that comes with wanting to magically wake up a different age- in the past- in a different life #I want to have lived any life but mine #and I just keep waiting for it to feel better again #it never does #crowfish crap #that therian part is definitely coinciding with autism and gender non conformity #when I picture myself I immediately picture my fursona- not a human who (at the moment) appears feminine #i hardly know anything about the subculture itself however #blathering #its true btw don't trust how you feel about your life at night time

[skhardwarevers1]

I can’t wait for the weather to get warmer,,

#Random I know but spring and summer (esp summer) are much more home to me #Something about it just hits different yknow? #Like yeah don’t get me wrong I love fall and winter but they’re such cold and lonely months to me #I like the summer when I can just go outside and feel warm…it’s a nice feeling #And I can’t wait to travel again…to have at least one night where my sister is inside and my parents are out for a little #And I get to do my traditional sit on the balcony and admire the beauty of it all routine #Where I can’t go back inside for a good while because my face is stained with tears #And any time I say something to myself my voice cracks and I can’t help but laugh at how cheesy I am #But it’s truly amazing to know I can look forward to that #And I’ll always take pictures and they’ll be better than the ones I took last year but they’ll never fully capture how it felt to me #It’s a kind of intimacy that only exists for a brief moment on summer nights between me and my surroundings #With one AirPod in playing Mrs magic of resonance #And for a moment I’ll take it out and I’ll probably cry some more because the silence is even better #So yeah. I can’t wait for the weather to get warmer #S.K thinks #Live laugh luv ranting in the tags

[detransdamnation]

Maybe i am in a bit of a blind spot now but stumbling upon your blog and a few of your last answers made me question - if gender roles were nonexistent in society so the sex a person has wouldnt dictate how they are treated - how could someone develop an unease about something truly neutral? I know there are sex differences in humans and thats what we talk about when we speak of transsexual people - the desire to change sex based on a terrifyingly strong discomfort with the one one has. But i am at a loss when it comes to understanding where would that discomfort even start/be influenced by (again as long as the sex you are would make everything neutral) because i always assumed that its that dichotomy of how society views females and males is what later translates into the literal base of where it comes from which is one’s sex. Then - Would the dysphoria grow out of purely desiring something that one doesnt have along the lines the grass is greener on the other side? Getting to experience sex the way it feels like as the other sex (especially in case of not heterosexual people)? Or only An aesthetic pursue? If the only thing that differentiated us in society would be the biological abilities of our bodies and the appearance of it…why do you think would someone still come up with an idea of desiring the other?

After reading especially the last answer it made me think that after all there must be some truly transsexual people who are just born being transsexual. Thats why i decided to send it because i think you established somewhere that you believe there are no trans people who are trans ”just because”, just because they have a brain of the opposite sex trapped in the wrong body etc.

I hope this makes some sense, its not an attack on anything you said more of a big wonder and desire to understand better and i really hope it comes off this way.

You make total sense. Your message doesn't come off as an attack at all.

Anon, I'll be real with you. I reread my answer on whether or not I believe gender abolition would also abolish dysphoria. I did rush in writing that response, greatly so, so the way I phrased my thoughts was particularly subpar; however, as I was trying to tie everything together in this response to you, I realized that the viewpoint I argued didn't really make sense when I held it up to my other beliefs. So, this is a humble admittance that I was, frankly, talking out of my ass. I'm going to use this as an opportunity to reassess my beliefs on this topic and will be re-answering that question once I have done so.

In the meantime, one of the best ways to assess your beliefs is to argue something you disagree with or are unsure of, so I'm going to double down and continue the argument as if I'm completely confident that it's the truth, if only to hopefully better explain where I was coming from when I wrote my previous response. So, proposed argument: Gender abolition will not necessarily abolish sex dysphoria.

First of all, what causes dysphoria and how does gender fit into that framework? I talked about this at length here [AL] and here [AL]. I specifically want to zero in on something I said in the former link:

I [...] do not personally believe that there is a “main reason” on as to why dysphoria may develop in a young person in all cases. I suppose my own “main reason” would be that I fell into the trans community because I never thought seriously about transitioning prior to that time—but the thing is, even if I hadn’t, I would still be dealing with everything else that influenced my getting to this point. [...] If I were to take the trans community out of that equation, it would just be the influence of the trans community missing.

Let’s replace the influence of the trans community with the construct of gender and let’s fast forward to this hypothetical dream society where gender is not an existent thing. We can apply what I said above. We’ve taken away gender and its influences—but we still have everything else. There are numerous factors that could cause a person to develop sex dysphoria; in a genderless society, we have only taken away one. In order to shut down any possibility of dysphoria developing, we would need to get rid of every single possible factor and influence and that is just not a possible feat. Homophobia is a significant factor in many cases of dysphoria and will remain so in a genderless society unless efforts have been previously made to abolish it. No amount of social change will ever eradicate abuse, which can be a trigger in dysphoria in that (especially long-term) abuse victims are prone to redirecting emotional pain to certain aspects of themselves, especially in an effort to regain control, even though they may not “make sense.” It is also impossible for us to eradicate, for instance, natural aspects of our biology that are just plain inconvenient or uncomfortable, which may become objects of fixation (especially in puberty) and cause a person to develop sex dysphoria thereafter. These are just a few examples off of the top of the head—but they and more may all continue on as potential factors because these things, in and of themselves, do not have anything to do with what we have abolished. They do not cease to be potential precursors to mental illness, such as dysphoria, just because we have taken one precursor away.

But why dysphoria? Why would someone develop sex dysphoria in a genderless society if sexes were seen as entirely neutral? Well, let’s turn our attention to another mental illness that is perhaps most reflective of dysphoria (so reflective, in fact, that some people believe them to be one and the same): body dysmorphic disorder. Body dysmorphia is “a mental disorder characterized by the obsessive idea that some aspect of one's own body part or appearance is severely flawed and therefore warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix it.” One’s “flaws” cause significant distress, even to the point of seeking out cosmetic procedures in an aim to “fix” them. Anything can be a trigger in body dysmorphia, although some of the most common include facial features, hair, skin complexion, and coincidentally, sex characteristics such as breasts, facial hair, or genitals—which are all inherently neutral features. No physical feature is objectively “wrong” or “bad,” “good” or “right,” “pretty” or “ugly.” They just are.

So, then, we could ask the same question: Why would people with this disorder fixate on these features and develop an unease with them if they are truly neutral? We could argue the societal pressure of beauty ideals, and certainly, that is a factor in a lot of cases—but if body dysmorphia were truly an issue of how certain features are seen and treated, exclusively, then by all means and purposes, people who are considered to be conventionally attractive should not also be seen developing the disorder. Marilyn Monroe could be an example of this: considered one of the most beautiful women in the world in her time and years after and yet (was believed to have) struggled with body dysmorphia until the day that she died.

Things don’t have to be “not neutral” in order for someone to not like them. Things can be neutral and still cause one discomfort. Things can be seen and treated as indifferent by the collective and yet still be hated by the individual. Why do non-dysphoric people have insecurities at all? A lot of the time, they don’t have specific reasons. I don’t feel they need to have reasons. Just like I don’t feel dysphoric people need to have an ultimate reason on as to why we would develop sex dysphoria when we could have fixated on any other physical trait.

I think where people tend to get tripped up in these discussions is, they try to apply what they know to be reasonable to mental illnesses and how they present in order to rationalize, to themselves, what we are feeling and experiencing—but in doing so, I feel we easily lose sight of the fact that, even without mental illness, the brain does not need a logical reason to fixate on something, to hate something, to want to get rid of something. Marilyn Monroe having been an icon of beauty did not change the fact that she didn’t like her face—and my not believing in gender does not change the fact that I don’t like my sex and desire to be the opposite. Marilyn continued to feel the way she did because she had body dysmorphic disorder. I continue to feel the way I do because I have dysphoria. Both disorders alter how we perceive reality and cause us to believe things about ourselves that are not objectively true. We desire what we do not have because that is a symptom of the inherently nonsensical disorders that we have. That is all there is to it. That is our “why.”

And I am content just leaving it at that. It is my own personal stance that we cannot chase the logistics behind something that is not logical to begin with. At the end of the day, there is no ultimate reason for mental illness. Mental illness does not need to make sense. Mental illness only needs humanity. It will continue to exist no matter how humanity progresses.

So, under this argument, there are a few different points to be had, main ones being that gender abolition will not necessarily abolish sex dysphoria because gender and sex are not one and the same; to take away gender is to take away only one possible factor in one’s dysphoria; and although outside factors can (and do) influence dysphoria and would continue to do so in a genderless society on account of the previous two points, there’s ultimately no “reason” on as to why dysphoric people would continue to cling on to their sex in this society where the two sexes are seen and treated as the exact same—simply because dysphoria, being a mental illness, does not exist on a plane that is rational.

Considering these viewpoints and assuming that they all coexist in this genderless society, then, it may be easy to conclude, like you did, that some people are just born transgender. I do understand how you may have come to that conclusion after reading my response and even I, looking back, feel like that is what I insinuated, even though I did not mean to and was not coming from that position. To clarify, as I have stated before, I do not believe in the idea of “true trans,” and seeing as this is a belief that I actually hold very true to and have for a long time, I’d like to explain why. This is no longer me proposing an argument that I am merely “considering.” This is me demonstrating what I believe.

There are a few different things to consider in the statement, “People are born transgender,” starting with the implications of what it means to be transgender and specifically the dysphoric aspect of it. To suggest that someone could be born transgender is also to insinuate that someone could be born dysphoric, that someone could be born already set to hate their bodies as they grow older.

Of course, we could be less technical here. You may not be born with mental illness in the literal sense—but you can develop mental illness extremely early on in life. So, under the argument that dysphoria is a mental illness, dysphoria can develop from a very young age, and therefore the child, express (what may be interpreted as) a transgender identity. Okay, fair enough. What I have never received closure on is, if a young child exhibits hatred of any other part of their body for any other reason, it is universally considered abnormal, a red flag, something to treat—but as soon as gender or sex comes into the picture, this self-hatred becomes something to validate.

Let’s say that a young child tells you that they do not like their body. Without any other context, what would your first reaction be? Chances are, you would assume that someone or something in this child’s life has taught or influenced them to think this way, even if only inadvertently, and hopefully, you would rush to tell this child that there is nothing wrong with their body, that they are perfect just the way they are. But let’s say, after probing a little further, this young child tells you that they don’t “feel like” their sex, or that they want to be the opposite (in little kid terms). Would you then change your tune and decide that they were “born that way,” that they hate their body because they were just meant to be the opposite sex instead? If your answer is yes, or your no follows hesitancy, I have to wonder what, specifically, would change your mind. What is it about dysphoria that is so different from any other form of self-hatred? Moreover, what implications do you think there are in a child telling someone they presumably trust that they are uncomfortable in their body—and that trusted adult telling them that they are uncomfortable in their body because they were, indeed, born “wrong?”

This leads to an essential question that we, ironically, so often overlook. We have a dysphoric child in front of us. What would make them transgender? The most likely definition of a trans person that everyone could agree on would be someone who is dysphoric, likely someone who has been dysphoric since early childhood—but even that is not a perfect or even accurate definition because not all people with dysphoria go on to transition, not even people with long-term or “treatment-resistant” dysphoria. If dysphoria does not make a transgender person, what does?

Let’s say we have one-thousand dysphoric people in front of us and one person in the group—say, the young child in this analogy, now an adult—is transgender. The only thing that distinguishes this person from the rest of the group is the very act of transition. If this person had never transitioned, there would be no difference between them and the rest of the group. We would have a solid group of cisgender dysphoric people. The transgender person is distinguished only through action, self-identity and personal experience in attempts to accommodate that self-identity. “Brain sex” has been proven to be a myth, so we know there are no biological differences to point to them having “needed” to transition—and even under the possibility that there do exist biological markers in dysphoria that we have not discovered yet, that does not prove that people can be born transgender. At most, these markers could stand as predispositions, similar to how people can be carriers for certain diseases or have “bad genes” that make them more likely to suffer from certain ailments—but none of these things equate to destiny, and in fact, in the case of dysphoria, would only prove that a supportive environment could prevent it—and transgender identity—from coming into the picture at all.

The suggestion that some people are just “made” to go through with any action, including transition, is an insinuation of fate—and I do not believe in fate. I believe in free will to some extent, although that would open us up to the more philosophical question of whether free will is truly free, seeing as we are reflections of our environment and cannot completely separate ourselves from it. In either case, we have seen and established that we can both influence one to develop dysphoria, as well as prevent one from developing dysphoria, all depending on how we, as a society, treat them—and if the people around us can help to prevent dysphoria from becoming an issue entirely, thereby circumventing the desire to transition at all, it is impossible for transgender identity to be truly innate to any one person.

In summary and in closing, mental illness, including dysphoria, is encouraged by—and sometimes even brought on by—our surrounding environment in almost all cases. Environments naturally change overtime, and in the process, certain factors in mental illness may become less common or even disappear entirely; however, just because one goes away does not mean all others disappear. One of many of our possible futures as a society is one without gender, and unsurprisingly, this would get rid of gender as a trigger in dysphoria—but so long as no other factors have been dismantled in the process, they will continue on as potential influences in its development, even in this genderless society. It then may be easy to conclude that some people are just “born” transgender, especially seeing as how the development of sex dysphoria in a genderless society would be even more random (comparatively to that of a gendered one)—but that conclusion, that “Some people are just born that way,” would not be reached with any other mental illness, and beyond that, does not give us, the society, enough credit or responsibility. The fact that there are trans people who barely even remember not being trans, such as myself, stand not as proof that we are “true transsexuals” but as proof that we live in a society that is hostile to multiple vulnerable populations and it is up to us to change that. Gender abolition will not solve all of these problems and it may not even get rid of sex dysphoria entirely—but it is essential and a great place to start, which is why I continue to stand for it, even despite it not being a perfect fix.

I hope this gave you a little more to think on.

#i hope this didn't come off too accusatory or preachy #i tend to argue with myself when i write and i can never tell if i'd come off as harsh to someone else #because for all i'm concerned i'm looking at my normal train of thought lmao #anyway anon in the time i left you waiting for a response i have done a lot of thinking #and i have so many more thoughts on this topic than even i previously assumed #my beliefs have already actually rather significantly changed since my previous post #at least in that i am now looking at the situation with a lot more nuance that i had neglected to consider at the time #but hopefully the argument i proposed here paints a bit of a better picture on where i was coming from when i had originally written it #it's far from perfect but then again nothing is perfect to me so i'll just aim for... good enough. #and on another completely unrelated note i have no idea which anon this is because all of mine type the same #someone needs to take on a more distinctive typing style so i can tell who's who lmao #submission #answered #gender critical #writing #text #my post

[widevibratobitch]

.

#tw ed #saw a picture of myself from when i was *checks notes* at my fucking worst with my ED but that meant i was also Thinner. #i really should Go Back huh. maybe if i did i wouldnt feel. Like This. #it'd prolly mean id start losing my hair again which. not a big fan. BUT. #if i was really dedicated i could also lose my period which. huge fan. that was one of the best things that ever happened to me tbh #i could have it all back. maybe i could even get farther than the last time. all it would take is uhh feeling utterly fucking miserable #having no energy for the most basic stuff let alone singing and thinking about nothing and i mean NOTHING but calories 24/7. #but hey. maybe i could like. lose 5 kg for my troubles and then gain back twice as much when i decide again that i just Cant Live Like This #totally worth it huh #anyway. i miss hating my body A Little Less and people being Nicer to me and everyone telling me how good of a job im doing #and encouraging me to keep going. and i miss the sense of Accomplishment and the Pride and the Not Feeling Disgusting #or at least Making Up For It by just. not eating lol #cause like its not like im actually much better mentally am i lmao clearly im not. only now im both miserable AND fat. #obviously ill never be s/kinny let alone as s/kinny as my friends. ill still look like a glitch in the system and a mistake next to them. #but if i have to be miserable anyway i could at least be. less f/at about it right. maybe then ill be worth something <3 #...and other delusions you keep cultivating because there's something deeply and inherently wrong with you #my new bestseller coming soon to your nearest bookshop dont miss it its only $free.99!

[bulletsfrank]

“man why does everyone hate me ?!”

authors note: it was simple. he was the most unlikable person alive.

#i have so many. sigh.... like i don’t even have the energy anymore bro #i’m like why do all my friends hate me why am i so alone why am i so isolated when I DO IT TO MYSELF.. #i withdraw because i have no empathy anymore... i don’t even really have the energy to fake sympathy.. #it’s as bad as it sounds #i really do ask myself why i’m so alone when i a. deserve to be and b. am too mentally ill to form meaningful connections #everyone hurts me and scares me and i don’t GET anything. like ever. i don’t understand anything. i want to die because #this life gave me this burden of my mental illness and it’s so big and takes over everything and #even getting help it was an unmanageable beast ... and everything feels so far away.. so fake .. so #it’s not real y’all. it can’t be #This cannot be how i actuallt grew up #if ten year old honey saw me he would be inconsolable lol. anyway i uh #that picture of the runway fashion model wearing the shirt that says #my demons won today. sorry #that’s me except for my whole life. like sorry. i won’t ever get better. there’s nothing more to me besides being miserable #i never see myself as someone to overcome it that isn’t me. so i’ll die with this pain clasped in my hand like a pearl #laughing my Dayum ass off!!!!??

[arielluva]

i managed to remove a dead spider from my bathtub all on my own!!!! i was scared but i did it!!!!!

this is a pretty huge step when it comes to my arachnophobia bc all though ive gotten better at being near spiders and looking at them, ive yet to actually pick one up (all though it was both a. dead and b. through a paper towel and a cup)

#im so proud of myself i never couldve done this a few years ago #i dont think im anywhere near being able to pick up a live spider and take it outside but i did this at least #im glad my arachnophobia is getting better though bc like. when i was in elementary school i couldnt even look at a picture of spider #without my skin crawling. i avoided reading one of my books i had bc there was a picture of a spider in it #in recent years ive been able to look at them up close (through the window) and pictures dont freak me out anymorr #i still freeze when i spot one in a room im in and avoid that room for a few days but. baby steps.

[tkbrokkoli]

wanted to write smth abt top surgery ⬇️

#not fandom related #personal log stardate #trans stuff #ok so ive been wanting top surgery longer than ive wanted to go on T. my chest makes me the most dysphoric and if it wasnt so hard to acces #top surgery i wouldve gotten it long ago lol #so the hardest for me is the many steps that are involved. finding and contacting a surgeon. getting there for a 1st appointment #for the sugery for getting the stitches out. getting Surgery in general and its risks. staying at a hospital which is not my #Routine environment. possible pain itching restriction in movement complications. the results might no be as expected #just a lot of steps involved that require me to step out of my comfort zone and stay out of it for a longer time as well. #but what are a few weeks of discomfort compared to a chesticle free rest of my life right. so i def Want it #but. there are like 3 decent top surgeons that have a lot of experience in my country that i know of. id have to travel at least 4 hrs #or longer and ive never driven my car for that long and im too scared to take the train/bus by myself and i dont think i could make myself #do it. like. if it didnt involve all that other scary stuff i might manage to try taking a train by myself. but just the train. nothing els #i just cant tackle several things that are difficult and uncomfortable at the same time. #ive read that a few ppl have gotten top surgery in the city i live #ive taken the bus and tram here. no problem. this would be perfect #only problem is there are almost no reviews on those surgeons. there seem to be at least 2 thatve done top surgery. idk who the 'main' #surgeon is. ive seen like 4 result pictures that ppl have posted. ive talked to 1 person whose currently 3 mo post-op but said they #might get a revision done if the results wont look better in a few months. the surgeons themselves dont mention top surgery on their websit #one mentions doing surgery for gynecomastia so this is probably the one ill contact first #basically there is barely any information available. if it comes down the surgeons might not even have done many top surgeries #so my results might not look good. i dont necessarily need it to be perfect. i just want my chest flat. i dont plan on being shirtless #except for doctors appointments and sex if ill ever have any. its unlikely ill go swimming in public and there i would probably wear a #rash guard anyway to protect myself from the uv rays. so my priority is a chest that looks flat underneath clothes. and if it looks like #shit i can get a revision if i want to . i think im gonna contact the surgeons here and prepare a list of questions for the appointment #i feel like i can take these steps. but i cant take them w the far-away surgeons. im gonna talk to my therapist abt this as well. maybe the #have some information on the surgeons here. i also contacted the local queer organization but i havent heard back yet :/

[someundefinedaesthetic]

uh oh!

#thought i was actually ok last night #in fact better than ok i thought i was stoked with the outcome #but alas it did keep me up ALL night ruminating/spiraling and now i’m crying about it today #which is a little silly because it went well! about as well as i could have hoped! #but now i’m grieving (again) (what else is new) #because even though i kept telling myself it wouldn’t happen it would never happen #part of me always held out hope that i would be the exception for him like he was for me #or that once he knew how much i loved him that he would come to his senses and realize he loves me too #but things don’t work out the way i picture and like. that’s fine. but now im just sad about it #and i’m sad that he’s sad #and i’m feeling very protective/motherly towards him #like i just want to soothe him and take care of him and make it better #obviously i can’t but it breaks my heart that he’s feeling like this and that im partially to blame

[sensitivegoblin]

. I’m in so much pain fuck you (the you I’m referring to can’t see this so ifs none of you)

#KILL ME PLEASE :((((((( #i can’t believe ontop of everything now I really am unloved #fuck I just want someone to choose me:( #you can’t see this so o get to say FUCK YOU #could’ve talked to me #fuck you better actually delete all of my pictures #i hate myself so much I’m so sorry but I’m killing mysekf for real this time #i can’t take heartbreak #first I lost my Excalibur #now I lose my crush #fuck life #no one is ever gonna choose me #no one will ever love me like that #I’ll never be someone’s love #im ending it all for real I can’t take this

[yandere-daydreams]

Title: Illuminated.

Pairing: Yandere!Apollo x Reader (Greek Mythology).

Word Count: 1.0k.

TW: Stalking, Unbalanced Power Dynamics, No Specified Gender For The Reader But They Are A Hunter Of Artemis, and Implied Kidnapping.

[Commissioned Piece. Donate To Palestinians In Gaza Here.]

“You, my love, are the poet’s demise.”

You stiffened at the sound of his melodic voice, shrinking into yourself before thinking better of taking on such a mouse-like posture and straightening. Still, you failed to stop yourself from crossing your arms over your chest, pulling your knees up and hoping beyond hope that the silvery water would be enough to hide your form from his unfaltering stare. You thought it’d be safer to bathe at night, apart from your sisters, when the softened moonlight protected you from his burning gaze, but you’d been naïve to think that any hour could be late enough to spare you haven. During the day, you lived under the burning gaze of his blazing chariot, busied yourself with shooting down hawks and ravens carrying gifts in their beaks, and at night, he had no burdens to keep him from closing the distance between you using less... ancillary methods.

“I’m afraid you must be mistaken, my lord.” You forced yourself to laugh, glancing over your shoulder. Sure enough, Apollo stood on the river’s opposing bank, his tanned skin nearly radiant in the darkness. If the sight of him hadn’t brought you such dread, you might’ve thought him beautiful. “As of late, my aim’s been so poor that I can hardly call myself a stag’s demise, let alone a man’s.”

You were quick to look away from him, but you could still hear his gentle hum, picture the way his lips would lilt upward as he shook his head. “I’m afraid it’s deathly true,” he went on, taking a step forward. The water rushed to part as he stepped where it had once been, and in turn, you scrambled for the robes you’d left on the shore, barely managing to pull the ashen cloth around yourself before Apollo came to stand in front of you, his light quickly doing away with what little protection the shadows offered. It was only after you were haphazardly dressed that you considered it might be considered an affront to hide any part of yourself from divinity, but the worry was quickly forgotten. It was only natural to want to create yet another barrier between you and him. Even insects knew to run from their betters. “For even the most talented bard would struggle beyond words to describe your beauty. They could be chained to their desk for an eternity, study under the Muses’ own tutelage, and still be unable to write a single line.”

He held out a hand to you, but you pretended not to realize he meant for you to take it. “You’re far too kind. If you have a message for Lady Artemis, there’s no need to bribe me with such—”

“My love,” he cut in, his smile unwavering. “If I had any desire to speak to my sister, your help would not be necessary.”

“A prophecy concerning our next hunt, then? If there’s something we mustn’t do, I ought to get the Huntmaster, she’ll—”

“My love.” You felt your throat tighten, your mouth go dry. “Although your voice is sweeter than honey and lovelier than birdsong, I’ll admit – I do find myself rather irritated when it’s used to employ such thinly veiled excuses. Any more, and I might think it better to encase your tongue in gold. At least, then, I might have something charming to admire while you lie to me.” His fingers grazed over your jaw as he moved to cup your cheek. It was not a gesture you had the luxury of ignoring. “You know why I have come here.”

Oh, how you wished you’d gone with your sisters.

“I… I can’t, my lord.” Unlike his, your voice was perfectly capable of trembling, of shaking, of plummeting into the sort of jarring, unsteady downward inflections that would’ve been the death of any proper storyteller. “My vows are to Lady Artemis, and—” It was your turn to smile, now, to lilt your head to the side apologetically. “—she’d never forgive me if I broke them. Especially with you.”

For the first time, his good humor seemed to ebb, giving way to not anger, but a melancholy sort of disappointment. “I suppose you’re right,” he relented, his golden glow dimming ever so slightly. Suddenly, it did not hurt quite so unbearably to look at him. “It’s a terrible thing. Me and my sister never did learn to share.”

Relief nearly managed to overshadow your revulsion. “I really am sorry. My desire is not to insult you, but—”

This time, when he interrupted you, it was not with a teasing remark, a nectar-dipped pet name, the vague implication of an affection he expected you to return. Rather, there was a sudden brightness in his golden eyes, a sharpened point to his smile, and then, his lips were pressed into yours. The kiss was shallow, but lingering, and when you tried to draw back, the hand on your cheek kept you firmly in place – his hold not crushing, but steadfast, resolute. His unoccupied arm wrapped around your waist, his hand finding its place at the small of your back as he sapped the last of the breath from your lungs. It was only when your palms pressed into his chest, your blunt nails burrowing into his bare skin in a silent plea for air, that he pulled back. Panting and flushed, you made a desperate effort to pull away, to escape back to your encampment, back to your sisters, back to your goddess, but he only cooed, his bowstring calloused fingertips fanning over your cheek.

“Such a terrible thing,” he muttered, and you considered, briefly, that you might’ve been the first mortal to realize just how wretched his voice truly was.

“How fortunate it is, then, that you’ve caught the attention of such a selfish admirer.”

#yandere #yandere x reader #yandere x you #yandere imagines #yandere greek gods #yandere greek mythology #yandere apollo #apollo x reader #yanderecore #yancore

[lewisvinga]

that’s my girl | lance stroll x fem! reader

summary; lance’s fans hated y/n for her personality and willingness to defend him and herself at any cost. however, their views on her change when a fan meets her and posts all about it

fc; tara yummy

warnings; suggestive comments

taglist; @namgification

note; requested! i’ve been obsessed w tara yummy lately but yall my requests are closed atm, i’ll open them soon once i finish w the requests i have rn 😫 so pls bear w me n be patient 🙏

masterlist !

liked by lance_stroll, lilymhe, and others!

yourusername: my man bought me chanel. sick.

username: not her not tagging lance…

yourusername: don’t want people looking at what’s mine 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

lance_stroll: acting like you weren’t begging for a bag and a pair of shoes🤣

yourusername: not u exposing me 😩

lance_stroll: just telling the truth 🤫

lance_stroll: anything for my girl❤️

yourusername: wahhh

username: i wanna be like y/n

yourusername: to be like y/n, u gotta have the y/n mindset 💆‍♀️💆‍♀️

username: she ate this tho icl

username: ugh i don’t like her, she’s such a gold digger and it’s so obvious

yourusername: gold digger is when girl receives bags from millionaire boyfriend🤕

username: she’s so ugly and unclassy, idk why lance is dating her

yourusername: you’re pretty unclassy, but while we’re at it, lance just made out w me 😁😁

lilymhe: WOWWWW you’re so hot i can treat u better than him

yourusername: i can treat u better than alex bae

liked by lance_stroll, carmenmmundt, and others

yourusername: i 🖤 st tropez

username: here she goes again w the not tagging him💀💀💀

yourusername: big deal , i’m literally sitting on him and he watched me post this 🥱🥱

username: THE SECOND PICTURE???? IS SO???😩😩😩😩😩

username: omg the second picture i’m gonna go crazy

username: who even took the last picture?

yourusername: my boyfriend 🔥

lance_stroll: beautiful as always😍

yourusername: gonna give you a big fat kiss

username: i actually like her but he’s all daddy’s money, she should date some other driver who earned his spot

yourusername: LMFAOOO, babe most drivers on the grid ARE nepo babies and come from rich families 💀 yall just mad that lawrence is a loving father 🤕🤕

username: she ate this one thing up

username: i love her idc attitude idk

username: i don’t! she’s so mean and disrespectful to lance’s fans, it’s so nasty

yourusername: no i just defend myself and lance, maybe if yall weren’t coming at my neck every 5 seconds i’d be nicer 🥱🥱

carmenmmundt: GORGEOUS 😍

yourusername: NOOO YOUU😩

liked by lance_stroll, yourusername, and others

f1wagupdates:

a fan met y/n l/n while in new york city! she said that y/n was super nice, complimented her outfit, and even introduced her to lance! turns out the black cat of the paddock is super sweet!

tagged; yourusername, lance_stroll

username: her smile :( she looks so sweet

username: ugh i love her idc what yall think

username: omg omg i was that girl, she even gave me her lip gloss bc i asked about the shade😩

yourusername: lmk what u think bb bc the formula is so chefs kiss

username: omg shes in nyc??? i need to meet her nowww

yourusername: for a couple more days, may or may not pop up in saks tmrw at noon🤭

username: y’all were just bitter she’s dating your fave!! y/n will always be her

username: u could never catch me hating on mother

yourusername: i promise you guys i’m not scary😩😩 i’ll just defend my man or myself whenever 🤷‍♀️

lance_stroll: y/n is the sweetest girl i’ve ever met. she’s made me the happiest man ever. hating on her means hating me. i would take legal action against some people who leave nasty comments but y/n’s against it. she’s the best girl i could ever ask for. liked by yourusername, f1wagupdates and others!

lance_stroll: but that’s my girl ❤️

lance_stroll: and that ladies and gentlemen is how to make the y/n l/n giggle

yourusername: STOP EXPOSING ME😖

#formula one x reader #f1 x reader #f1 smau #f1 scenario #formula one scenarios #f1 imagine #formula one imagines #formula one imagine #f1 scenarios #formula one social media au #lance stroll x reader #lance stroll smau #lance stroll imagine #lance stroll scenarios

[vaspider]

Look. A little advice.

Once you get to a certain amount of Known on the internet or a subsection of it, or even in a subsection of a RL group of people, there are going to be people who will make up a version of you which exists only in their heads and which has absolutely nothing to do with who you are. It might better resemble who you were twenty years ago or it might never have had anything to do at all with who you were then or are now.

You cannot stop this. You cannot prevent this. Once you get a certain number of followers or a certain amount of attention, that's going to happen: people will make up stories about you which either look through a fun-house mirror at some small aspect of who you are and twist it and blow it up until it doesn't resemble you at all, or which just have absolutely no basis in fact whatsoever.

This is just another kind of parasocial relationship; it's the kind which really sucks to deal with, because it's so negative and so pervasive. It's very real, and the frustration you feel about it is very real. Nobody wants to be known incorrectly.

But. You can't control this. It's gonna happen. No matter what you say, no matter how precisely you say it, the people who want to misinterpret you will find a way to do so. This doesn't mean 'don't pay attention to what you say,' or 'don't be purposeful and precise with your language,' but it does mean 'don't obsess over the people who are determined to get you wrong.'

You can be the most anodyne, run-of-the-mill, unremarkable human being, and the people who are determined to hate you will find something that they can point to and say 'ha ha! I told you that Spider danced with the devil at midnight! I witnessed it myself!' (It will not help the situation if you are, say, self-admittedly stubborn as fuck, long-winded, and sometimes kinda fucking obnoxious, but please realize that in the end, it doesn't really matter. This is gonna happen no matter what.)

The people who matter will look at what's being said, wrinkle up their foreheads, and say, 'uh, man, it looks like Spider was actually playing with his dog at 9 am?'

That said, if you don't have elephant-thick skin from being a marginalized-gender human being who's been on the internet since before the web had pictures, there are some things you can do to make it easier when people making things up about you starts to get on your nerves:

Establish protocols for when it becomes too much: have someone read your messages, turn off your notifications, have time where you purposefully disengage.

Establish protocols for how you interact, period: "I will block people without guilt if they engage positively with the people who spread untruths about me." "I will answer everything in public so people can't lie about what I said, because it's right there in public." "I will not answer work-related stuff in DMs, that has to go to the work email." Whatever it is, create some boundaries for yourself. Stick to them. The people who push you to bend them aren't doing that for your benefit but theirs.

If you get someone who really hits your Weirdo Alarm, trust it. Yeah, block and report, but also, take screenshots and store them somewhere that isn't easily erased. I have an 'Internet Weirdos' folder, which makes it a little easier to deal with when people start doing things like 'making threats of physical harm to me and my family.' Don't fuss, just take a screenshot and chuck it in the folder. Having that record makes it easier to just forget that it ever happened, because you have a paper trail if anybody starts doing something Real Weird.

Spend time offline, with people who do actually know you.

Don't get lost in the version of you that someone else makes up in order to make up for the shit that's missing in their own life. You aren't required to play the part that someone else is trying to script for you. It is never to your benefit, only to theirs; you gain nothing by standing in that role for them, and you lose precious seconds of your one irreplaceable life.

You could be using those seconds to look at this video of how to pick up a duck, which I think we can all agree is a better investment of your time.

#internet #Youtube