#i will see this when i try to post something else
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might just love you 'til the end
post... that match. a bit of angst, mostly fluff.
alexia is not pleased after her performance against chelsea. you aren't quite sure what she needs from you. you decide to give her space, but that isn't really what she needs. alexia tells you... eventually.
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It was a long day, a tiring and difficult match, and Alexia probably would have resorted to one of her coping mechanisms, if she hadn’t missed that last shot on goal. It seemed to take something out of her, and even from your place sitting on the bench, you could see how angry she was acting. Underneath that, though, you could tell that she was really just disappointed in herself.
Watching her blink back tears as she made her way around the pitch was almost too much for you. You wanted nothing more than to grab her hand, pull her into the tunnel, and hug her until she wasn’t sad anymore. You knew better than to try to comfort her now, though. Alexia hated nothing more than seeming weak, especially in front of the team. Anything she needed or wanted from you would have to wait until you both got home. And even then, you weren’t sure what to expect. Sometimes she’d just shut down after a bad game, go to sleep, and wake up with a new passion the next morning. Sometimes she’d shut down, but her fury at herself would linger for days. Very rarely did she talk about it. Only when she really reached her breaking point, which was admittedly a lot harder to reach than other people’s were, would she let you make her feel better.
It wasn’t necessarily a healthy array of options that she normally went with, but you couldn’t argue that it didn’t work. It worked for Alexia, and that was what was important. Even if giving her space until she asked for something else hurt, you knew it was what she needed.
She acted pretty much how you expected her to as you both made your way into the locker room and headed for the showers. The blonde gave you nothing more than a high five and a weak smile, before she launched herself into her post match routine. You did the same, icing various parts of your body that hurt after a rather physical game. You kept your eyes on your girlfriend, though, watching the hollow way she brushed through her hair and the mechanical way she laced up her shoes. You were done before her, sitting in your locker looking at your phone, trying to figure out how bad the social media situation was going to be for her, when her white nikes appeared in front of you. You looked up at her with a smile, though it fell slightly when you took in the completely emotionless look on her face. She’d shut down, then, like you’d expected her to. You knew it was coming, but it didn’t make it easier that she wouldn’t let you help.
“¿Lista?” She asked roughly, not meeting your eyes.
“Yeah, let’s go.” You replied, getting to your feet, grabbing your bag, and giving Mapi a reassuring look from where she sat waiting for Ingrid to be ready to go. You knew your girlfriend’s best friend worried about her, and that she had tried to talk to her after the match, but it hadn’t really gone anywhere. You were surprised when, as soon as you were out of the locker room and had walked a ways down the hall, Alexia dropped her bag to the ground and pulled you into a tight hug.
You returned the hug, sighing into her shoulder, feeling her bury her face in your slightly damp hair. The hug was for you, you could tell. To make you feel better, even when Alexia wouldn’t allow you to do anything to make her feel better. She held herself a bit tensely, and when she pulled away, her eyes searched yours, her worry clear on her face.
“Te amo,” she whispered, pressing a light kiss to your cheek. “I am proud of you, always.”
“I love you, Ale,” you replied, a thousand more words on the tip of your tongue. You wanted to tell her you were proud of her, too, that it wasn’t her fault, that she didn’t need to deal with today all by herself, but you knew she wouldn’t accept it right now. Instead, you grabbed her hand in yours and squeezed tightly.
The captain kept her hand in yours as you both walked to her car, and though you expected her to pull away from the contact, you were glad that she was letting herself have something to make herself feel better. The car ride home was silent, and you predicted the rest of the night to be the same.
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You knew to let Alexia deal with it how she dealt with it, but you did put your foot down on a couple things. When she headed right for the couch, going to put the match replay on the TV and take notes, you shook your head, taking the remote out of her hand.
“Not tonight. It won’t make you feel better.”
“I have to watch,” she argued, but you cut her off.
“You can watch tomorrow. Tonight we are going to watch a movie, order dinner, and go to bed early.”
“Amor,” Alexia sighed, her brow furrowed, no doubt thinking about how she could convince you to let her do this.
You switched tactics, knowing there was one sure way to get your girlfriend to agree with you. “Please? For me? I don’t want to watch that again right now.”
The blonde softened, nodding her head at you. Satisfied, you flopped down on the couch next to her, grabbing her arm and draping it over your shoulder.
Alexia smiled despite herself, leaving a soft kiss on the top of your head. She was still practically silent as you picked out a movie, but she pulled you close to her, slipping her hand up the front of your shirt and running her thumb back and forth across your skin.
Even if she was only letting this happen because she thought she was comforting you, it was still better than nothing. Better than the rare occasions that she’d sleep on the couch, almost as a punishment for herself when she didn’t perform the way she thought she should’ve. The blonde had gotten better since getting together with you, mostly because you pointed out the inconsistencies in how she treated you after a rough game, and how she treated herself. Some rough days sent her spiraling back to her bad habits, though, and you were glad you could pull her away from those, at least for today.
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“Cariño,” Alexia whispered, jostling you slightly. “Let’s go to bed, vale?”
“Hmm?” You mumbled, barely opening your eyes. “‘M not asleep.”
“Oh, sure. You are just watching the movie with your eyes closed?”
“Sí,” you sighed, turning against her slightly until your head was laid on her chest. It vibrated under you as she laughed, and the sound woke you a bit more, glad to hear something even remotely joyful come out of your girlfriend’s mouth.
“Venga, amor, it is time for bed.” She insisted, gently sitting up and easing you into an upright position. You pouted at her, wishing the smile on her face would reach her eyes. When it didn’t, you rose from the couch, grabbing Alexia’s hand, and pulling her towards the bedroom.
You both made quick work of your nighttime routines, and you were glad to slide into the bed, undeniably exhausted from the physically and emotionally draining day. Alexia slipped in next to you, though she didn’t really get comfortable; she remained halfway sat up, staring at the ceiling above her. You tucked yourself into her side, burrowing under the covers until you were surrounded by soft fabric and Alexia’s sweatshirt. She seemed wide awake, and you laced your fingers with her, rubbing your thumb comfortingly along the back.
“Sleep, baby. You need rest. Everything will feel better in the morning.” Alexia nodded mechanically, giving you a half smile that you didn’t buy for a second, before her eyes fluttered shut. “I love you. You’re my favorite person.” You whispered.
She opened her eyes again at your words, softening slightly. She turned on her side and pulled you into her chest, wrapping you up tightly in her arms. “Te amo, mi niña, eres perfecta.” She whispered.
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You fell asleep easily. Alexia, evidently, had not. You realized this when you rolled over in the middle of the night, seeking out your girlfriend to curl up against, and only felt cold sheets next to you.
It woke you up, and you opened your eyes, in your sleepy haze worried Alexia had gotten sick or something. You looked around the room, and towards the bathroom, but no lights were on. You sat up in the bed, forcing yourself to wake up more. Once you had thought about it for a minute, you had a sneaking suspicion about where your girlfriend had disappeared to in the middle of the night. You grabbed your phone from the nightstand, checking Alexia’s location, and sure enough, her little profile picture was at a park a few blocks away. It had a football pitch, and Alexia sometimes slipped away there when she wanted to clear her head, but not deal with seeing people she knew at the Barça training ground.
You dragged yourself out of bed, even though you had half a mind to call Ale’s mom and get Eli to deal with her, knowing she could scold her daughter much more effectively than you could. It was the middle of the night, though, and you knew that Alexia may need a softer approach. You weren’t really sure what headspace she’d be in when you found her, and it was at this thought that you began to move faster, pulling on joggers and a shirt, and rushing down the stairs. You could visualize what she’d be doing, taking shot after shot on goal, but you couldn’t figure out how she’d be acting. Upset, or sad, or angry, or still completely blank. You grabbed your car keys, not really wanting to waste a second longer than possible by walking to where Alexia was, although it wasn’t far.
It only took a few minutes to arrive, and you pulled into the parking lot with your attention completely fixed on the figure across the park, running down the pitch with a ball at her feet. As you got closer, you took in how exhausted Alexia looked, as if she’d been at this for hours.
“Ale?” You called, finally arriving at the pitch and trying to get your girlfriend’s attention from the sidelines. She didn’t look over at you, too caught up in her own thoughts, trying to angle her shot in just right.
You moved closer, and finally she saw you, just out of the corner of her eye. She stopped what she was doing, turning to face you. “Amor?” She questioned. “What are you doing here?”
You resisted the urge to roll your eyes at her question. “Really? You’re asking me what I’m doing here?” Your girlfriend had the decency to look slightly embarrassed. “It’s the middle of the night, Alexia. What are you doing?”
“I could not fall asleep.” Alexia told you, walking over to you, her ball abandoned behind her.
“Why didn’t you wake me?” You asked, brushing a few pieces of flyaway hair off her forehead. She melted into your touch, her body slouching down towards you, giving you even more of an idea of how exhausted she was.
“I wanted you to rest.” She said quietly, and it was a perfectly believable explanation, but for some reason you had a feeling that there was more to it than that. You fixed her with a look, raising one eyebrow. The blonde sighed again, grabbing your hand in hers. “Can we go home?”
“Only if you promise to talk to me when we get there. Otherwise I’ll make you stand in goal while I shoot.” You teased, happy to see a small smile on your girlfriend’s completely drained face.
“Promise.” She said, giving your hand a squeeze as you both began to walk towards the park exit.
-------
You sent Alexia to shower upon arriving home, sitting on the couch until she was done, absolutely sure that if you got back in bed, you’d instantly fall back asleep. Alexia very timidly walked out of the bathroom 20 minutes later, all bundled up in a sweatshirt and sweatpants even though it was rather warm out.
Alexia looked weirdly nervous as she sat down next to you, her eyes everywhere but on yours. She reached for your hand very hesitantly, relaxing slightly when you intertwined your fingers with hers easily.
“What’s wrong, Ale?” You asked.
“I am sorry about today. Really sorry, amor.”
You opened your mouth, prepared to tell her that you forgave her for sneaking away in the middle of the night instead of waking you up, but you stopped when you looked at her closer, and found tears in her eyes. Something about the way she’d phrased it, too, that she was sorry about ‘today,’ didn’t sit right with you.
“What are you sorry about?” You asked, frowning when Alexia chewed on her lower lip instead of answering.
“I disappointed you today.” She said finally.
“Alexia,” you rushed to contradict her, but she cut you off.
“No, I know I did. I am sorry, I will do better, mi amor, I promise.”
“Love, you did not disappoint me.” You insisted, cradling your girlfriend’s cheek and wiping away a stray tear. She shrugged, like she didn’t believe you. “You could never disappoint me, Alexia, especially not by missing a shot. Why do you think that?”
Her eyes flicked up to yours, finding only sincerity there, as she took a deep breath, and spoke. “I told you I was proud of you.” Alexia mumbled, her cheeks flushing. “You did not say it back. And you normally give me a hug after matches in the locker room, but you did not, not until I hugged you.”
You were sure you felt your heart crack in two. “Baby, I’m so sorry.” You said, reaching to pull her into a hug. She shrugged out of your grasp, though, and you were furious with yourself in that moment.
“You do not need to be sorry, I understand.” She said, albeit rather miserably, looking so angry and upset with herself, when she really should have been directing that at you.
“No, Alexia, look at me.” You insisted, gently tilting her head to look at you. She was barely holding back tears, her lip wavering sadly. “Oh, my love. I didn’t say it back because I didn’t think you’d want to hear it. You never listen after rough games, I was trying to let you have your feelings for the night, and then try to make you feel better tomorrow. I didn’t think you’d want comfort, Alexia, not today. I am so proud of you, Alexia. Every day, I am proud of you, especially today. You did everything you could do, I know that. It just wasn’t our day. Estoy tan orgullosa de ti.” You emphasized.
Alexia nodded slowly, but you could tell she didn’t fully believe you.
“Would you ever be disappointed with me for missing a shot?” You asked, slightly amused when the blonde whipped her head up to look at you, a frown set on her features.
“No. Never.” Alexia said quickly, appalled at even the idea.
You smiled at her sadly. “Can you not imagine that I feel the same way about you, Ale? That I love you just as much as you love me?
Your girlfriend swallowed roughly, reaching to pull you into her lap, and into a hug. You let her manhandle you the way she wanted, wrapping your arms around her and kissing the side of her head repeatedly once she grabbed on to you.
“It is hard to believe sometimes. It is… too good to be true. That you love me like I love you. I do not always feel like I deserve it. Especially when I am grumpy all day after we lose, and I sneak out of our bed, and make you come find me in the middle of the night.” Alexia said, her voice dripping with insecurity.
You pulled back just slightly, pressing your forehead to Alexia’s, threading your fingers through her hair. “You always deserve it. Always, Alexia. And I would get out of bed in the middle of the night to come find you every day if you needed me too. I’d get on a plane in the middle of the night and fly halfway across the world to find you, if that’s what you needed.” You whispered, leaning forward to press your lips to Alexia’s.
She kissed you back, hard, trying to tell you how much everything you’d said meant to her.
“I’d rather not, but I’d do it.” You mumbled against her mouth, feeling her smile against your own lips.
“Okay.” She said finally, and it was clear to you that she believed you a bit more now, and that she’d believe you even more tomorrow. “I will keep my fleeing of the country to a minimum.”
You laughed. “Good. Because I want to go to bed.”
Alexia nodded enthusiastically, rising up off the couch with you held securely in her arms. “Me too.”
She carried you towards the bedroom, already physically more relaxed than she’d been all day.
“If you set an alarm for the morning, I will make you sleep at the park tomorrow night.” You told her, letting out a rather undignified squeak when she gently threw you down on the bed.
She smiled at you mischievously, her bad day completely forgotten. How could she think about her performance when you were so perfect, and so pretty, and she was so tired.
“No alarm.” She promised, turning her light off and collapsing onto the bed next to you. It had been a mistake, not waking you up before. Because when you pulled her into you and began to scratch lightly at her back, she went completely limp, and she knew you were all she needed to fall asleep. Alexia didn’t need to practice her shots until her legs were numb. She just needed to lay her head on your chest and hear your heartbeat in her ear, and she’d remember that everything would be okay.
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hope you enjoyed :)
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Office crimes - P.SH
୨୧pairings୨୧: CEO!sunghoon x Fem Assistant!reader
୨୧warnings୨୧ : MDNI, smut, fingering, reader wears skirts and like it's literally only smut, not proffread
୨୧A/N୨୧ : was on a small writer's block [still am] and this was just a really random bored drabble kind of post :p
୨୧Wc୨୧ : 1.6k
The night air was crisp and cool, brushing against my exposed skin like a lover's whisper as I stepped out of the elevator. The silence of the empty office building seemed to press in on me, making my heart race and my skin tingle. I could feel the weight of my responsibilities as Sunghoon's assistant bearing down on my shoulders, but there was something else too. Something electric and intoxicating.
I knew I shouldn't have gone this far, but I couldn't help myself. I had been working so hard, trying to impress him, and tonight… tonight felt like the night. I took a deep breath, squaring my shoulders, and made my way over to his private table. It was large and sturdy, made of polished wood, the surface covered in papers and files. But all I could see was him.
Sunghoon looked up as I approached, his eyes meeting mine in the soft glow of the desk lamp. He was wearing a pair of tailored trousers and a crisp white shirt, unbuttoned at the top. His gaze raked over my body, lingering on my breasts before traveling up to meet my eyes again. He knew exactly what I was doing. He knew I wanted him.
With a sultry smile, I moved around the table, taking a seat on its edge. I crossed my legs, revealing even more skin as my skirt hiked up my thighs. "I was hoping you'd be finished with that soon," I purred, nodding toward the papers on the table.
Sunghoon chuckled softly, the sound sending shivers down my spine. "You're awfully confident," he murmured, leaning back in his chair. "You know I can't ignore my work, Yn."
I reached out, placing my hand on his knee. "But don't you think you deserve a break?" I asked, my voice low and seductive. "I mean, look at you. You've been working so hard." I let my fingers trail up his thigh, feeling the heat emanating from his skin. "Don't you want to take a little time for yourself?"
Sunghoon's breath hitched, and he looked down at my hand on his knee. His Adam's apple bobbed up and down in his throat before he finally met my gaze again. "You're right," he murmured. "I suppose I do deserve a little break." He leaned forward, his hand cupping my breast through the thin fabric of my blouse. "Why don't we take a break together?"
I gasped, arching into his touch. "Sunghoon…" I breathed, my voice thick with desire. Heat pooled between my legs as his other hand slid up my thigh, fingers brushing against my wetness. I couldn't believe this was really happening.
He leaned in closer, his lips grazing against my neck. "I've wanted this for so long," he whispered, his breath hot against my skin. "You drive me crazy, Yn." His hand slipped beneath my skirt, teasing at my underwear. "I can't seem to focus when you're around."
I moaned, arching further into his touch. "Then stop trying to focus," I whispered, my voice barely audible over the pounding of my heart. His fingers found the edge of my panties, and with a practiced motion, he slipped them aside. I gasped as he touched me, wet and aching. "Oh, God, Sunghoon…"
He leaned in closer, pressing his lips against mine. His tongue danced with mine, their rhythm matching the stroke of his fingers inside me. I could feel the heat building between us, the air growing thick with desire. His hand moved faster, his touch growing more urgent as he drove me closer and closer to the edge.
My head spun with pleasure, and I arched my back, gasping for air. "Sunghoon," I moaned, my voice barely audible over the sound of my own ecstasy. He thrust his fingers deeper, finding a spot inside me that made me writhe in pleasure. His other hand left my breast, traveling down to grip my hip, holding me steady as he took me apart.
The room seemed to spin, and all I could focus on was the feeling of him touching me. His lips found my neck again, sucking gently as his fingers continued their relentless rhythm. I felt my body start to tighten, the sensation building inside me, threatening to break free.
"Fuckk" I moaned, my voice hoarse. He answered by sliding his fingers deeper, finding a spot that sent waves of pleasure coursing through me. I arched my back, my nails digging into his shoulders as I felt the first powerful contraction of my release. His grip on my hip tightened, holding me steady as I shuddered in ecstasy.
Sunghoon leaned in closer, his lips finding the skin of my neck once more. He sucked gently, his breath hot against my skin, and I could feel the rush of blood between my legs as my body trembled with the force of the sensations coursing through it.
"I-I'm close" I gasped, feeling my body tense as the sensations overwhelmed me. Sunghoon's fingers moved faster, his touch growing more urgent as he brought me to the brink. His lips left a trail of kisses down my neck, and his other hand moved to cup my breast, pinching the nipple roughly. The sensation sent a jolt of pleasure through me, and with a cry, I convulsed around his fingers, my release shuddering through me.
He groaned, his breath hot against my skin. His fingers continued to move, milking me of every last drop of pleasure, as his other hand gripped my hip tightly. My breath came in ragged gasps, my body still trembling from the intensity of the orgasm. Sunghoon leaned in closer, kissing me softly on the lips. "That's it," he murmured, his voice thick with desire.
I felt a mixture of emotions wash over me: pleasure, satisfaction, and an aching need for more. My body was still sensitive from our encounter, and I could feel the heat between my legs, a lingering reminder of how close we had been. I reached up, tracing his jawline with my fingertips, marveling at how soft his skin was.
He broke the kiss, looking down at me with a satisfied smile. "That was incredible," he whispered, his voice still rough from desire. He leaned in, kissing me again, his lips warm and gentle against mine. I could feel the hardness of his erection pressed against my thigh, and the thought of him inside me sent a shiver down my spine.
He pulled back, his eyes meeting mine. "Are you sure you want to continue?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. I nodded, unable to find my voice. He smiled, his eyes darkening with desire and lust. "Good."
He moved slowly, his hands on my hips guiding me as he positioned himself between my legs. He took my hips in his hands, and slowly, carefully, he entered me. I arched my back, gasping at the sensation of being filled by him. His skin was hot against mine, and I could feel every inch of him inside me. He began to move, slowly at first, but gaining momentum as he found a rhythm that drove us both wild.
His lips found my neck once more, sucking gently as he thrust deeper. I moaned, my hands tangled in his hair, urging him closer. He responded by picking up the pace, his hips moving faster and faster, driving him deeper inside me. The sensation was overwhelming, exquisite, and I felt my body starting to tremble with the force of the pleasure coursing through it.
"Sunghoon…" I breathed, my voice shaky. He answered by kissing me, his tongue dancing with mine as he continued to move. I could feel the tension building within me, the impending climax threatening to break free. His fingers dug into my hips, holding me steady as I arched my back, meeting his thrusts with my own.
The room spun, the world around us fading away as we were lost in this moment. The sound of our bodies moving together, the wet slapping of our skin, filled my ears. I could feel the heat between us, the connection that bound us together. And then, with a cry that was part pleasure and part release, I came apart beneath him.
His thrusts grew harder, faster, his body shuddering as he found his own release. He groaned, his lips finding my ear as he whispered my name, his breath hot against my skin. I wrapped my legs around him, holding him close as the sensations washed over me.
Sunghoon collapsed on top of me, our sweaty bodies sticking together. He moved to lie beside me, propping himself up on one elbow as he gazed down at me. His eyes were dark and intense, filled with something I couldn't quite decipher. Was it satisfaction? Contentment? Longing? I couldn't tell.
I reached up, tracing his jawline with my finger. "That was amazing," I breathed, my voice still shaky from the intensity of what we had just shared. He smiled, a small, satisfied smile that made my heart flutter.
"I'm glad you enjoyed it," he murmured, his voice low and husky. "Because I don't think I've ever felt this connected to someone before." He paused, searching for the right words. "It's like… as if we're made for each other. Like we fit together perfectly."
His expression turned thoughtful, and he traced a finger along my collarbone. "I've never been with anyone who understood me the way you do. Who made me feel the way you do." He leaned in, kissing me gently on the lips. "I don't want this to end, you know?"
I smiled, feeling a warmth spread through my chest at his words. "Me neither," I whispered "I've never been this happy."
༘˚⋆𐙚｡Permanent Taglist ༘˚⋆𐙚｡ @cha-eui @alvojake @heeslut4life @wondipity @dollywons @wonlvkay
{reply or send ask to be added Minors + blogs w/o ages DNI}
#pockettwinzz writes#enhypen#enha x reader#enhypen x reader#enhypen x y/n#enhypen smut#enhypen hard hours#enhypen hard thoughts#enhypen sunghoon#sunghoon smut#sunghoon#sunghoon x y/n#enhypen drabbles#dividers by dollywons
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Unrequited Love
A/N: I had to get to the airport to return a rental car like 5 hours early so I’m so sorry for the pure amount that I’ve been posting today but as a socially awkward girly, if I’m on my own phone then for sure no one is going to talk to me.
Anywho here is some angsty angst about day court!reader and Azriel. I’m thinking of making this like a mini series but idk who reader would end up with. (Let me know if you have any suggestions!)
Forgive any typos I wrote this on my phone.
Warnings: none
WC-1.4K
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My blood was boiling beneath my skin. Azriel has been complaining for the better part of an hour about Rhys gag order regarding Elain. I was trying not to roll my eyes as I had reached my wits end with his lamenting.
“I just don’t understand why he needs to meddle in this. I get she’s Feyre's sister but he doesn’t know what she’s talking about,” he runs a hand through his hair and leans back in his chair. “I just can’t help but think that sometimes the cauldron gets it wrong.”
His words were spoken so plainly. Anger wanes for a second as I swear I could feel my heart break inside my chest. The words seemed to echo in my head Maybe the cauldron gets it wrong. I almost would have rather had him carve out my heart with truth teller.
“What do you think?” He asks me and I sit reeling over his words. I can’t think of anything to say to him. The comforting words I would normally have for him can’t get past the anger starting to cloud my vision. So I simply shrug, avoiding the question. Desperately trying to change the subject.
“So this new book I’m reading…”
“Oh c’mon.” He interrupts me. “I know you have something to say. And I trust your advice more than anyone else. There isn’t anyone else I would rather talk to about this.” His eyes softened as he looked towards me. Instead of melting under his gaze like I normally do, red bites at the edge of my vision.
“I think you should leave her the hel alone.” My tone is not gentle. He freezes.
“What?”
“She has a mate already. And regardless of if you think the cauldron got it right. Lucien is the one mated to Elain,” I tried to keep my voice neutral. “And Lucien is a wonderful male who has been through a lot of shit. He deserves someone as sweet as Elain, if she ever comes around. You should stop meddling.”
His mouth opens, when no words come out, he closes it again. You see the muscles in his jaw tick as he clenches his teeth.
“What has gotten into you? When did you become Lucien’s spokesperson?” He spits at me. His face starts to get closer to mine as he leans over the table, slowly starting to rise to his feet.
The sane part of me is telling me to stand down. That one of the most powerful warriors in all of Prythian was starting to get angry at me. My mate was starting to get mad at me. But I would not cave under his intimidation.
“I became his spokesperson when you showed no respect for him. Or for Elain.” I noticed I was starting to get to my feet. “What about what she wants? She doesn’t owe you anything more than she owes Lucien. Rhys told you to stay away from a girl you feel entitled to and now you want to mope like a petulant teenager. Grow up Azriel.” He flinches before something stoney sets in his eyes.
“At least I’ve actually told her how I felt. What about you?” My stomach drops into my knees. “Sitting and pining over the same person for a century.”
“You knew?” My voice was nothing more than a whisper. This was not happening. I should have left when I had the chance.
“It’s not like you tried to hide it. I thought at some point you would get the hint that it wasn’t going to happen but yet there you always were trailing behind me like a sad little puppy.”
My hands on the table started to glow faintly. My anger was finally breaking through the surface.
“You asshole. You stupid Illyrian bastard.” The smirk that graced his face fell instantly. “After everything that I’ve done for you, you want to use my feelings for you as some fucking weapon against me.”
Even I was surprised at the venom in my words but I was on a roll. “I sat by for five hundred years. I sat by as you pined over Mor, someone I consider my sister. I felt that bond go unreturned.” He completely froze at my words. Words I have never spoken out loud to anyone.
“Wait-“
“No. You get to hear this shadowslinger.” I pressed my finger to his chest and he stepped back like I had hit him. A small part of me wishes I had. But this. This right here is why Rhys kept me around. I didn’t need to throw a punch to put someone on their knees.
“I followed you around like a lost puppy and you loved it. Every second of it. I was stupid enough at some point to believe that it was because you felt it too. And I couldn’t get away from those feelings,could get away from you. Every time I tried I would damn near drive myself crazy and then you would smile or say some funny joke and I was right back to where I started.” I willed the slight shake in my voice to disappear. “You just wanted to feel important because the one you truly loved wouldn’t have even entertained the thought. Took other males into her bed, but not you right? So why not go for the next available thing. Me. Who cares if I got hurt? Who cares that I still fucking loved you through all of it? Not you clearly. You played me like a fucking fiddle and I played my part well.”
When I finally looked back up at his face I saw nothing but a shell of the male that stood in front of me. Even his shadows had retreated from his side. Looking down I realized they were sitting at my feet. I pushed down the glimmer of something I didn’t have time to think about at the sight.
“Please. Just stop.” He pleaded.
“Why? Because it hurts to hear? Fuck you. “And you think that didn’t hurt me too?” I watched him pale. “You didn’t think it killed me to feel that empty weight in my chest every time I looked at you. Everyday that I waited and wished that you would feel that stupid bond I’ve had to live with for the last two centuries.”
He gasped at my words cutting me off
“You never told me about that. I just thought it was… I don’t know… I thought it was a crush like how I felt with Mor”
A muscle in my jaw ticked. “I shouldn’t have had to! The whole point is that you feel it too. Bonds aren’t supposed to be one sided but for some gods unknown reason, you didn’t,” I felt the anger really starting to boil over.
“Every time I heard you rambling on and on about how perfect Mor was, about the females you took into your bed. I sat by all of it, for what? Three sisters for three brothers?!” I was screaming now, my hands shaking by my side
“What happens when she’s all fixed up too Azriel? When she feels this same thing I feel when she looks at Lucien. Onto the next one for me to hear about I guess . Always on the sidelines. Always the sweet face to come back to at the end of the day but never the one you want to be with.” I took a deep breath for the words about to come out of my mouth, steeling my nerves.
“I’m done. With this. With you. Fuck this entire gods damned city. I will not sit by and play second to whoever you deem worthy enough for the rest of my life.”
He held up his hand like he was going to reach up for me but the light that was glowing off my skin was warning enough.
“Where will you go?” Was all he had the nerve to say.
I let out a cold, twisted laugh. “Anywhere but here. Hel I could finally go home. Helion has
been asking me to come back for years now. All I know it will be somewhere where you can’t come and ruin another half a century of my life. Because that’s what you did. I wasted all this time on someone I knew wouldn’t love me. But I can agree with you on something, Azriel.” I paused long enough to see the hope in his eyes as he whispered “what?”
“That sometimes the cauldron does get it wrong.”
I walked out of that room with my head held high
#acomaf#acosf#acotar fanfiction#azriel acotar#acotar#acowar#azriel angst#azriels kinda dick in this one#I promise I love him but this popped into my head#azriel x reader#azriel x you#no happy ending#a court of thorns and roses#i make no apologies#well maybe a little
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The other Bronze – Pt. 16
🔞
This Chapter contains some adult content
Por mi vida... Te amo a la luna y de vuelta mi hermosa....♥️
“You can keep dreaming because that won't happen” the dark haired woman laughed
“Worth a try” you smirked as you pulled Jennis jersey over your head
“Dear jesus Christ” you gagged lightly after you sniffed the fabric “Sure you only wore that for that game??”
“Actually no... that's the same one we wore at the Euro final” the spaniard deadpanned “We're broke you know... we have to re-use jerseys”
“Seriously??” you asked outraged your eyes wide with shock while Lucy started to snicker behind you
“Of course not... but you and your stupid tactic had me run a lot – sorry that my jersey doesn’t smell like detergent” Jenni rolled her eyes
“I think it was a good tactic” you defended yourself pouting “Lucy you tell her”
“You put me in goal!!!” your sister exclaimed
“Yeah... that was funny.. the way you panicky screamed at Mills to keep “that bloody ball far FAR away” from you....” you chuckled as your sister hit your shoulder
“Y/N... you still have something to do” now Sarina interrupted and you know you still need to come up with an apology to Rubiales
“How believable would it be if I suddenly have a stroke?” you asked the dutch innocently and all players around you snorted
“Not very believable... come on... the sooner you get it over with the sooner I can reward you for your actions” the blonde coach winked
“Hermoso” you looked at Jenni “... it was a pleasure as always... I have to go and fake apologize to your... whatever he is”
“Oh Corazon... I didn't even show you pleasure but okay...” the dark haired winked “and he's the federation president”
“He's a fucking cunt that's what he is” you grumbled not even catching up on Jennis comment
“And THAT'S exactly what we don't say in our apology” Sarina said chuckling
“Do I really have to come up with an apology on the spot without swear words?” you asked in disbelieve
“Yes Bitsy...” Keira rolled her eyes “... and I know you can – you always pull your head out of the sling somehow”
“Okay okay... give me a minute okay” you huffed starting to think of what to say “... Hermoso could you stop drooling over me abs? I know they're fantastic – me girlfriend tells me every time we...”
“STOP talking!” Lucy exclaimed shuddering at the thought of you and Georgia doing anything else than holding hands while Jenni, Keira and Sarina bursted out laughing
“It's distracting!!!” you huffed
“I am distracting you?” Jenni smirked enjoying the little banter which distracted HER from the previous incident
“Not you... you eyes” you grumbled “I need to think quick here”
“Come on Liefje” Sarina suddenly pulled you away “We won't get anywhere if you butterfly with Hermoso all the time”
“I'm NOT butterflying” you huffed annoyed
“Yes you are... now... this is going to happen now... you are going to apologize officially right in front of the crowd and later again at the post-match press” the dutch said and you grimaced
“Really? In front of the crowd?” you whined
“Yes... this is damage control and when everyone sees how “sorry” you are we have a good chance that FIFA won't interfere” Sarina said seriously and you huffed
“But I don't wanna” you whined again but one look from the dutch shut you right off
“You'll do fine Bitsy okay... you're good at that” Keira squeezed your shoulder supporting
“Ugh.... fine” you huffed annoyed as someone handed you a microphone connected to the stadium speakers
You started to walk out of the tunnel and you knew the second the camera caught you and your picture appeared on the big screens since suddenly there was loud cheering and it made you smirk. You walked all the way to the kick off point standing there for a second taking a deep breath before turning around facing the spanish bench where Vida and Rubiales were still standing. You saw how the medics just packed their stuff together and how Rubiales had two tissues hanging out of his nose. You really needed to bite your tongue so you wouldn't start laughing – you were “sorry” after all. At least that's what Sarina told you you were. You saw how all the players – Lionesses and Spanish – were lingering in the tunnel entrance waiting for your speech
“Hi” you started awkwardly looking into the stands after the crowd calmed a little bit which caused a new round of cheering and whistleing. Vida and Rubiales looked at you expectantly and when they saw you wore Jennis Jersey you saw how Rubiales jaw set challenging.
“Okay guys... I'm here to apologize for me actions towards Mr. Rubiales a few minutes ago” you said using your “I'm so so SO sorry”-voice “... I honestly don't know what caused me to act the way I did... I'm in the wrong here because violence is never the answer no matter how disgus... no wait... I'm not allowed to say that... violence is never the answer! Let stop there... I never meant to assault you Mr. Rubiales...” you looked at Rubiales himself trying to sell your apology so hard by talking directly to him “... I never meant to hurt you and I don't have an explanation for what happened. Please believe me when I say I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart”
Even you know you went a little over but you really REALLY tried not to verbally assault him right now
“You did nothing but being polite to me and what happens in your federation is not my business” you said and some people would swear they heard a threatening undertone “I hope you accept me apology and we can forget this... incident”
You walked back towards the tunnel before making a turn towards Rubiales himself offering you your hand to shake it. He grabbed your hand hard his jaw still set when you pulled him a little forward
“If you ever pull off something like that again you fucking cunt I personally will cut off your balls and feed them to you through your asshole and then I make sure that there's no inch of DNA left of your existence...” you growled into his ear covering it up with clapping on his shoulder like both of you made up “... most of them players I consider my friends – family even... I don't take it lightly if they get put in an uncomfortable situation and I always will have their back”
You let go of him smiling sweetly before turning around walking back into the tunnel where everyone stared of it with disbelieving looks. You smirked feeling great pride and satisfaction with yourself.
“I am REALLY proud of you Liefje” Sarina beamed as you reached her letting her pull you into a hug
“I can't believe it... you actually delivered a grown up apology” Leah said her face showed pure shock
“Yeah well...” you shrugged your shoulders
“I can't believe you apologized” Mapí looked at you a little disappointed
“Had to... they made me” you pointed at Sarina, Keira and Lucy
“I'm proud you didn't punch him again – I was worried there for a second when you made a beeline for him” Lucy threw her arm over your shoulder standing next to you proudly “And you didn't threaten him”
“I definitely didn't” you quickly said and your voice was a little high-pitched
“Bitsy” Keira warned you
“Hm?” you looked at her innocently
“Please don't tell me you did...” the blonde looked at you expectantly
“So... my reward” you turned towards Sarina
“Bitsy!” Keira exclaimed
“What? You said to not tell you... so I don't” you defended yourself
“What did you say... I knew that handshake was a cover up... I KNEW IT” Keira said annoyed
“Look... I just let him know how... I consider most of the spanish team me family... and that I'll always will have their back” you said honestly “andhowIwillfeedhimhisballsandthattherewon'tbeanyDNAleftifhepullssomeshitlikethisagain” you mumbled before quickly sprinting behind Alexia and Jenni ducking for cover
“Come again???” Keira looked at you shocked while the spanish players looked at you confused since you spoke to fast for them to understand
“Could you repeat that for the not english speakers please Cariño?” Alexia said confused
“I rather not” you mumble “Keira will have me head”
Luis Rubiales chose that exact moment to walk into the tunnel and you immediately stood up taller again moving in front of Jenni in a protective manner – which looked kind of ridiculous since Jenni was over a head bigger than you. He threw a death glare at you but continued walking as the crowd of english and spanish players parted like the sea for Moses.
“It's kind of cute how you try to protect me little one” Jenni chuckled from behind you
“He's a... Mapí... worst spanish curse word you know” you spat looking at Mapí
“Cojones or Cono” Mapí easily provided earning herself a really hard slap to the head from Irene and a death glare from Alexia
“That... he's both of that...” you growled looking after Rubiales
“Don't teach her that” Irene told Mapí off harshly
“She asked” the blonde tattooed woman defended herself
“And you CHOSE to answer” the Vice-Capitan answered
“I just wanted to helpful...” Mapí mumbled pouting
“Don't push it María León and just keep your mouth shut” Irene grumbled
“Bitsy... come here sweetie” Keira cooed sweetly
“Oh no... not gonna fall for that... it's like the time you told me you wouldn't get angry if I tell you what I did and after I told you you made me do push ups in the pouring rain” you shook your head looking at her scared shuffling backwards
“I promise...” the blonde tried again smiling sweetly but you saw right through it
“No no... I think I'm gonna stay with Ona” you said and the people who knew you could hear the slight fear in your voice
“You still have a pre-match conference to attend” Sarina reminded you smirking
“Aaaawww maaaaan” you whined “I did what you told me to do – why do I have to sit through that as well?”
“Because it was your game today and not mine” the dutch said “So YOU are going to answer all the questions... in a nice civilized manner”
“Ugh” you huffed and turned to walk towards the media room “But I'm not sitting next to that sorry excuse of a human being”
“Good evening Ladies and Gentleman – this is the post-match conference and we have 60 Minutes. We do it the usual way and go 30 minutes each. All question have to remind professional and under no circumstances will private questions answered. You all have one question if you want a follow up you have to talk to the person if they're willing to do one. We start with questions for the representatives of the english Lionesses Head Coach Sarina Wiegman and Y/N Bronze before going to the spanish representatives Jorge Vilda and Luis Rubiales” the coordinator said and you knew the cameras where already on so you pushed the urge down to roll your eyes your face staying stoic “We're starting with Alex Scott”
You exhaled deeply knowing Alex wouldn't ask anything regarding the Rubiales-event and probably would ask something frivolous.
“Alex Scott for BBC Sports” Alex started smiling at you “A question for Y/N Bronze”
“I know your name and where you work... I've known you for years now” you interrupted her confused which lifted the mood in the room since all of the reporters started chuckling
“That's how it goes y/n... we reporters have to introduce ourselves before asking the question” Alex smiled at you
“Oh okay...” you said quickly “... sorry for interrupting”
“No problem... but my question to you... we were all informed beforehand through different social media channels that you joined the Lionesses as a side line analyst – how comes that you basically dictated the game today?”
“I was given the chance by Sarina... Mrs. Wiegman... Coach? What do I call you?” you started then looked at Sarina unsure which caused another round of light laughter
“Sarina is fine...” the dutch smiled encouraging squeezing your knee under the table in a calming manner
“Sarina gave me the chance to work on a tactic for this game – Spain is a hard opponent to play. I got to Camp with Lucy... Bronze... Lucy Bronze my sister” you started but then got all nervous again since you actually never had to do any press stuff before.
Again Sarina jumped in by stroking over your knee calming
“... but you all know that...” you chuckled at your idiocy “... so when we arrived at Camp Sarina pulled me aside telling me she wanted me to watch some of the spanish games and to come up with a play where we at least can annoy them a little bit. I'm pretty sure she just did that to keep me occupied so I wouldn't do some stupid shit...” you said but quickly slapped your hand over your mouth “... I mean so I don't do... stuff... but yeah... after I sat down with her showing her some plays she told me to put a starting XI together.. at this point I still thought it was all like... hypothetical.. so I did... after that she said that she liked what I came up with and that she trusts me and that I'll have the lead on the game...”
“Would you be interested in answering a follow up?” Alex asked quickly knowing that she only had a short time frame before the next reporter would be called up
“For you always... I mean... you did change me diapers – I think it's just fair” you grinned
“And you were so squirmy about it... but my follow up... what made you come up with putting Lucy in Goal?” the short woman asked smiling
“Knew you would pick up on that” you laughed feeling slightly more relaxed “... that was a last second decision – I had four subs planned... two at half time, two around 70th minute... I left one slot for a possible injury sub – I played some players who just came back from an injury and I didn't want to overwork them. That's why I subbed Meado off 73rd minute in... she played outstanding and I didn't want to risk setting her back in her recovery... I quickly talked to her after she came off and she said she felt good but also appreciated getting off. So after I didn't need the left over slot and Lucy was mean to me earlier – and Keira said she would pay to see Lucy in Goal – I thought... why not... and come on... it was funny seeing her panicky waving her arms around like a monkey absolutely losing her plot screaming at Mills to keep the ball far FAR away” you laughed which caused the room to interrupt in laughter
“Okay next question please...” the coordinator said also laughing and called up a reporter you didn't knew who had a question for Sarina so you turned out and started to look around the room with a bored face which ended in a edit about how you and Lucy are so much alike in conferences
“Question for Y/N Bronze...” a young lad said and after you didn't react in the slightest being busy counting the sponsor labels on the wall behind you Sarina flicked your ear
“Huh??” you looked at you confused
“There's a question for you” the dutch gestured towards the room “Attention on the room”
“Sorry...” you said embarrassed
“You got a yellow card... how did that happened?” the young reporter asked
“First of all... that wasn't MY yellow card... THAT was Onas yellow card” you started serious but your lip tugged upwards and everyone noticed that you were joking “... she committed the foul... I just... asked the Ref if she doesn't see the need to card it”
You heard Sarina clear her throat next to you and you looked at her innocently
“What? I did” you defended yourself
“You took my glasses and ask the Ref if she needs them to and I quote “see a foul when it's happening”...” the dutch looked at you unimpressed
“Not my fault she's a blind moron – that WAS a yellow card” you exclaimed before remembering where you are and – again – slapping your hand over your mouth
Sarina exhaled deeply and started to pinch the bridge of her nose shaking her head slightly as the room erupted in laughter again
“Okay next question... Barry... your turn” the coordinator said and you tensed immediately.
Barry O'Connor was a legend under the reporters – he was one of the ones who could make you or break you. He never held back with the uncomfortable questions and he immediately knew when you lie and THAT he would use to break you.
“Thank you Tom... Barry O'Connor for The Guardian...” the older gruff man said and looked straight at you and you just KNEW what was coming “... question for Bronze... there was a slight – let's call it ruffle after the game... any comment on that?”
“Good evening Mr. O'Connor” you said politely “... I'm afraid you have to be more specific – there was a lot going on after the game”
“You punched the president of the spanish federation – the proof is sitting right there” the reporter said pointing at Rubiales
“Yeah... not my best moment is it... I want to apologize again and honestly I can't tell you what happened... I saw how he moved towards Jenni Hermoso and the next thing I know is Sarina yelling at me in the locker room...” you said and everyone in the room knew you told the truth “... I got the great honour to meet most of these players beforehand when I was visiting my sister in Barcelona and they welcomed me with open arms and helped me when I needed help – looked after me when I needed guidance... so I consider them as family... I don't take it likely if someone makes my family uncomfortable – which everyone who knows me can confirm... so I just – acted to protect my family”
“You said you needed help in Barcelona... what happened?” the older man asked
“Barry you had your question and we said from the start...” the coordinator interrupted but then got interrupted by you
“No it's okay... I'm honoured to be interesting enough to get a follow up by a reporter legend” you said and Sarina heard that you were about to get serious “It's not really a secret that I don't play because I suffered quiet early in my career from three ACL's... so even if I wanted to play I simply can't... in Barcelona a... incident happened that left me with a PTSD episode... all of them helped me afterwards – Mapí León right up top.. she went all the way to the airport to get me english chocolate... I got in the honour to get to know a few teams through Lucys career... if it was City, Lyon or now Barcelona... all of the teams have a special place in my heart but Barca now – they are something else... Alexia Putellas is an amazing leader – on and off the pitch... under her lead this team stepped up coming together as a family – no matter which nationality or background...”
You looked back at the reporter who smiled appreciative nodding slightly
“So yes... they helped me a great deal... even when I got overdosed on pain meds and didn't know what I was doing and gave them nicknames and was high as a kite” you winked
“Okay last question for the english side before we're moving on the spanish representatives” the coordinator said and pointed at a young blonde woman
“Thank you... Sarah Mulligan for ITV” the young woman said “Question for both Sarina and y/n... Sarina what made you involve y/n as much and y/n how did feel or managed with the pressure?”
“You first?” you looked at Sarina a little lost which caused the dutch to chuckle
“Thank you for your question” Sarina started and you interrupted her
“We have to thank for questions...” you exclaimed shocked before looked into the room “Thank you?”
This made everyone laugh again before Sarina continued
“It's polite Liefje” the dutch said lovingly “... but back to the question... I got to know y/n when she was recovering from her third surgery. I just took over from Phil Neville trying to get a read on the Team having called up a few young players but also some experienced ones – like Lucy Bronze. Lucy called me two days before Camp would start asking if she could bring her little sister who just got out of hospital. I agreed knowing from former games and also from stories how much Lucy cared for her sister. The moment I saw her for the very first time I knew she was someone special. She was still wearing a leg splint and was still on crutches but that didn't stop her from refusing help even going so far to hit Lucy away with her crutch...” the dutch remembering your first appearance smiling slightly “.... she was so grumpy and angry – a deep anger and I must admit I was unsure for a moment if it was a good idea to have her with the team. I feared she would bring the team spirit down – but I was wrong. So very wrong. The moment she stepped into the Hotel lobby and I saw how many players were happy to see her I knew it was the right decision. At the first training session she sat in the stands just staring down on the pitch – I must admit I kept an eye on her because Lucy asked me too... y/n never moved one muscle just stared down on the session. So I thought I let one of the assistants take over and went up to sit next to her. I sat down and asked how she was doing. Her answer was that I should rethink this formation because it's putting to much pressure on the midfield. Then she just stood up and left. I looked down on the pitch and saw Keira and Jordan Nobbs were struggling to keep up with the pace I tried to put up with the play. That was the moment I decided to get her involved more – one because she has an eye for things no one ever sees and two she needed a task. She needed something to take her mind off her injury and what it meant – what she lost. I got her involved a little bit more every camp and this time she finally accepted my offer to employ her full time which I know is a big step for her. But a big step in the right direction. A big step towards healing” the blonde said lovingly and squeezed your hand
“That got deep Mama Rina” you mumbled getting a little emotional before looking at the young reporter woman “Thank you for your question”
The room chuckled again enjoying your young easy and light way you were handling the situation of getting thrown into a press conference for the first time
“I'm sorry I can't provide such a deep meaningful answer but... I didn't feel any pressure to be honest. As I said before until the very last moment – the moment that Sarina made me explain my tactics to the team to be exact – it was all hypothetical for me. And after that I didn't really have time to feel pressured – I tell ya this team is a handful. Just yesterday Niamh called out Code Red – which means no one is allowed to leave – because she couldn't find her lucky socks... turns out the washed them in the sink and hung them on the balcony and they just fell off onto the balcony of Lottes... that's the shit you guys normally don't get to see” you said shaking your head when you remembered how ridiculously headless Niamh tore her room apart because of a pair of socks.
After the room quiet down from their round of laughter again the whole questioning shifted towards the spanish men and you started to spin with your chair until Sarina stopped you gently putting her hand on your arm to calm you down. You huffed but stayed still trying to listen to the answers of the Vilda and Rubiales but it was no use.
You heard your name a couple of times but since you didn't have any context you chose to ignore it – that was until a fuming Mapí León with an equally fuming Leila Ouahabi hot on her heels came blazing into the room both of them throwing some words at Vilda and Mapí even went so far to crawl onto the table separating the trainers from the reporters. Seconds later an angry looking Alexia entered the room just in time to grab Mapís ankle and pulling her back and away from the spanish national team coach. She tried to get her players under control by pulling both of them back by the hem of their jerseys. Mapí was kicking and screaming like a five year old – of course in spanish so you didn't understand a word – the only thing you understood was when Mapí yelled “mi Nena” - but when you looked at Vildas face it told you everything that you needed to know. You looked flabbergasted to Sarina who looked just as shocked and shrugged her shoulders before you turn towards the reporters where some just shook their head in disbelieve.
The post-match conference was ended pretty quickly after that and you basically jumped over the table sprinting out of the room past Keira and Lucy – who were waiting for you outside the room – towards the spanish locker room. This time you weren't as friendly as before and bolted through the door without knocking even tho you could hear Alexias angry voice half way down the corridor. The second you threw the door open the whole team looked at you and everyone fell silent – even Alexia.
“What the fuck just happened?” you looked at Alexia lost
“Cariño I love you I do... but this is something we have to talk about internally” Alexia said softly
“Mapí was about to strangle that mop in front of thousands and you say this is an internal thing?” you raised an eyebrow
“He called her a “lost little child who wears shoes that are to big for her and she's useless”... mi Nena knows EXACTLY what she's doing... mierda we lost FIVE zero...” Mapí started to rage again and you became big eyes
“Mapí ENOUGH” Alexia scolded her “Everyone SAW what she did and her head coach isn't a useless... culo like ours... there's no need for you to defend her... she has Lucy for that”
“But Lucy didn't do anything...” Mapí said outraged
“Because her spanish is shit and she probably didn't understand” you shrugged accepting the water bottle Ona held out for you “And the way you hesitated at the word “culo” means it's bad and I'll definitely save that down in me brain”
“No you won't Bebita” Ona smiled sweetly but you know just like with Keira it was a warning “Bad word”
“Then Alexia has to do push-ups... that the bad word rule!” you exclaimed and Alexia looked at you unimpressed
“I'm an adult... I can say whatever I want” the blonde spaniard said flatly
“Rule applies for everyone Capi” Jenni now grinned “Down on your hands and knees you go”
“What does culo mean?” you leaned over so you could whisper in Mapís ear
“Asshole” Mapí whispered back
“That'll make 15” you looked at Alexia “That word is an A-grade swear word.. A-grade swear words make 15 push ups...”
“I most definitely won't do any push-ups...” Alexia rolled her eyes
“But I always have to do them” you whined
“And look how much more your arms and shoulders are defined since I last saw you” the spanish capitan smiled and pinched your cheek
“You suck” you grumbled pushing yourself behind Ona to seek cover from her prying hands
“No little one... that's me... she's more the...” Jenni smirked but before she could end the sentence she got punched very hard in the shoulder by Alexia
“Come on Bebita... let's get you back to the Lionesses...” Ona said lovingly already pushing you forward slightly “Say bye-bye”
“Ass-dios” you waved which caused the younger players to explode in laughter – including Jenni – while Alexia threw you a death glare as Ona quickly pushed you out the door
“Keira...” Ona yelled seeing Keira down the corridor
“There you are!!! We where searching the whole place for you!!” Keira exclaimed the second she laid eyes on you “Don't you ever do that again!!!”
“I was just at the spaniards and pretty spaniard taught me a new word” you smiled at the blonde proudly
“Don't even” Ona warned you
“What happened?” Keira turned towards the blonde spaniard
“She suddenly kicked in our locker room door... and didn't except “it's an internally affair” from Alexia” your sisters girlfriend shrugged her shoulders
“Uh Kei...” you pulled on her jacket a little bit “Alexia said an A-grade swear word... and she refused to do push-ups”
“Really now... we can't have that now can we?” Keira mused sensing that you started to get tired and pulled you into her side winking at Ona before turning around slowly leading you back towards the Lioness locker room pulling out her phone to text Lucy and Leah that she “found” you
“You little shite...” Lucy started immediately but got cut off by Keira
“Leave her be... she's dead on her feet” the blond said firmly basically carrying all your weight your head on her shoulder
“Come here Bubs” Lucy exhaled deeply hoisting you away from Kei into her own arms cradling you like you were a three year old again while Keira got all your bags
“How bad is it outside?” your sister asked Leah who sneaked a look outside looking at the crowd waiting for the players to emerge from the stadium walking to the bus
“Nothing we're not used too...” the blonde capitan shrugged
“I'm asking because of her” Lucy nodded towards your sleeping form in her arms slightly drooling on your sisters jacket “If she gets startled half the team won't get an inch of sleep tonight – you remember the drama after the France game?”
“Wait... I get the noise cancelling headphones” Mary said thinking quickly pulling already on Rachels headphones getting them off her and carefully sliding them on your head.
You quickly got startled by the sudden loss of hearing but Lucy had you under control quickly by manoeuvring your head into her neck. The moment you smelled the familiar scent of your sister skin you relaxed again becoming boneless in her arms.
“She's so out” Keira chuckled
“You surprised?” Lucy answered hoisting you up a little more “Fuck me... this was easier when she was 3”
“No shit Sherlock” Millie deadpanned “Gimme... I'll carry her”
“Naah – we're good” your sister said but smiled at her teammate thankfully “I'll just bring her into the bus and then come out to sign some stuff...”
“You don't have to – you're not obligated to do so and you know it” Leah said seriously
“I know... but they waited long enough now and she'll be good once she's inside the bus” your sister answered “Let's get this show on the road”
As soon as the doors opened the fans went wild – as usual and Lucy was so SO thankful for Marys quick thinking of putting the noise cancelling headphones over your ears. Your sister walked quickly with you in her arms towards the bus disappearing inside it. She disposed you into her own seat asking the bus driver if he could have half an eye on you. Of course he agreed quickly being a fan of you himself with all the shenanigans you came up with all the time.
Your eyes fluttered open slowly and you were met with – darkness. Darkness and softness. You bolted upright searching for your phone in the dark. Getting more arrogated which each passing second you knocked over a bottle of water which caused a light to get switched on and you were met with the sleepy looking form of your girlfriend.
“What you doing baby?” Georgia asked her voice raspy
“What are you doing in my room?” you asked confused “Why am I in my room??”
“Firstly... that's my room... secondly... you were out like a light once Keira found you and then YOU wouldn't let go of me shirt and Keira got Lucy to agree to let us room for tonight under the promise that I won't touch you in any “not biblical” form” your girlfriend informed you
“Wait... what day is it???” you looked at her confused
“What?” Georgia asked equally confused
“Day baby... what DAY is it?” you looked at her like you're going to have a mental breakdown any second
“Still Wednesday... game day.. 23:48... why” G answered keeping her voice even to not set you off further
“Oh thank fuck” you sighed “Get ready... come on... take your phone”
You ushered your girlfriend out of her bed – not without ogling her body for a second longer that would go through as “biblical” - and then out of the room up a floor hiding behind a corner taking out our phone.
“23:52... perfect” you grinned
“What have you planned??” your girlfriend whispered in your ear from behind/above you which cause a shiver to run down your spine
“Welcoming Sarinas new year of age” you swallowed hard trying not to think what you could do now with your girlfriend instead of hiding waiting for the pipers to come down the corridor.
“Oh god... WHAT did you do??” G whisper yelled “If I get in trouble for it...”
“Please... as if I let you get in trouble” you snorted spotting the first piper stepping out of the elevator
“Oh god... oh god no... no no no no no” your girlfriend mumbled with wide eyes having spotted the piper as well “You didn't”
“Oh I so did... mi Vida” you grinned evilly
“Me what?” Georgia asked confused
“No idea... Lucy always calls Ona that – probably something dirty turn ons in spanish” you shrugged your shoulder “Where the fuck are Toons and Less?? And Jill... where is Jill?”
The moment you said it you saw your two best friends sprinting down the corridor, little party hats askew on their heads another set in their hands. Less was carrying some glitter bombs and confetti canons.
“We're not late” Toons panted coming to a halt in front of you “What she doing here?”
“I'm her girlfriend??” Georgia said confused
“Still doesn't answer me question... you don't get to bake in our fame” Ella said annoyed holding out a party hat for you which you immediately placed on your head
“Fame? You really think that going down well for you?” your girlfriend snorted nodding towards the piper who just set up their bagpipes.
“Of course... that a birthday she'll never forget” Lessi answered grinning widely “Can we start?”
“No.. we still missing Jill” you pressed taking Georgias phone to look at the clock “23:59... come on Jill”
You heard the “ding” of the elevator and surely enough there came a big three story birthday cake wheeling out with a widely grinning Jill Scott pushing it down the corridor towards you.
“Where were you?” you came out of your hiding – which was useless anyway since Toons and Less stood right in front of you – speed walking towards Jill smashing a party hat on her head.
“Had to think about something to get the room card” your Godaunt and most trusted adult friend – after Keira – said pulling out the little plastic card from her back pocket
“What did you say?” you snorted Jill could come up with the best backstories
“Want to surprise my wife for her birthday” the older woman smirked back “easy in the nights since there are only teenage boys covering Front Desk”
“We'll leave quickly after we delivered our present so you two have some alone time” you smirked
“Thank you Cookie – we very much appreciate it” the dirty blonde laughed “You guys ready?”
All of you nodded and Jill very VERY carefully pushed the card into the electronic lock waiting for the signature “click” before pushing open the door. You had Georgias phone ready and when Jill gave you a thumbs up you started recording. The pipers shuffled into the small hotel room and on a small cough from you they started piping “Auld Lang Syne” and not even five seconds in the light next to the bed got smashed on and a completely demolished Sarina Wiegman sat in her bed, blanket pulled up to her chest, glasses askew from being placed quickly on her nose, hair standing in every direction like she just got electrocuted her eyes wide in shock. The pipers went seamlessly over to “When the Saint go marching in” before finishing with “Scotland the Brave”. The second the little private concert was over Toons and Less let the Glitter bombs and Confetti canons explode right over Sarina – and her bed – all of you yelling “Happy Birthday”.
Your plan was nearly perfect. Get glitter and confetti all over Sarina before bolting. What you DIDN'T think off – pipers where loud. Very loud. Waking up most of the squad in process. Like Leah. And Lucy. And – most dangerously – Keira. So the moment you wanted to bolt you were met with a LOT of Lionesses. Angry looking Lionesses. Angry looking Keira. You locked eyes with her and after a second ducked behind Toons before sinking down on the ground trying to army rob out of the room hoping everyone was too distracted by everything that's going on. Oh boy where you wrong – of COURSE Keira saw you the second you tried to rob out of the room placing herself right in your way. You looked up when you hit her legs with your head which you kept down so it wouldn't been to obvious who was pressed in that room – which was overflowing with players now. Niamh and Toons already got cake in their hands (plates were overrated at this point) as Leah tried to control the chaos. You bumped into Keiras legs and looked up scared to be met with two angry glaring eyes. You tried to quickly rob backwards just to get stuck in Millies legs.
“I don't think so, y/n Bronze” Keira seethed pulling you up by your ear “Are you actually mad? Did you finally lose your plot? Why in gods name...”
“Hey Kei... you want cake... it's chocolate” your sister interrupted Keiras rant holding a hand full of cake right under the blondes nose
Keira just looked at Lucy then to you and back to Lucy who smiled like a happy kid with her handful of cake.
“I don't know if I should yell at both of you or just give up...” the blonde shook her head
“Keep calm and eat cake” Lucy smiled pushing her hand closer to Keiras face who automatically moved her head out of the way
“No thank you... it's in the middle of the night” the blonde said a little disgusted
“And?? You think we ever get away with eating cake in the middle of the night ever again??? Embrace the moment Kei... USE the moment” your sister said before she pushed the handful of cake into her mouth and you listened to what your sister said and used the moment to carefully sneaked away from Keira.
You tugged on Georgias shirt at your swift exit and she followed you just as quickly
“You know you're in big shit tomor... today... today morning... later... in the morning” your girlfriend rambled
“I know... but so worth it” you smiled and the second you two were through the door to the stairs case you pulled her back on her shirt kissing her deeply
“Not that I'm complaining...” Georgia started once you parted again “... but what brought that on?”
“You still had a little frosting..” you smirked pointing at your own lip “... I think I better check for more frosting once we're back in our room... you are a messy eater after all”
“I.. I think I dropped some of the cake...” your girlfriend stuttered a little bit and you could see her eyes darkening
“Yeah... thought so...” you smirked starting to walk up the stairs towards Georgias room when you suddenly feel your feet leave the ground and your girlfriend hoisted you over her shoulder
“What are you doing??” you laughed loudly as Georgia sprinted up the stairs
“You're a slowpoke sometimes” your girlfriend said exiting the staircase sprinting down the corridor on your floor before fumbling with the key card to open the door
“Open you stupid door” your girlfriend grumbled you still hanging over your shoulder snickering
“Let me down... makes it easier” you laughed slightly
“I nearly got it... wait a second” Georgia mumbled but a second later you heard her kicking the door
“Baby come on.... let me down” you laughed louder lightly poking her rips
“But don't run away” your girlfriend said her voice a little whine
“As if” you snorted and felt her scrunch down to put you on the ground before she came up again and you were face to face with each other
Your eyes quickly flickered down to her lips before looking at her eyes again. Before you could make up your mind you felt Georgias lips on yours kissing you deeply and you couldn't suppress a moan which your girlfriend used to slip her tongue into your mouth. She pinned you against the door her hands against your hip she used her whole body to keep you were you currently were. You on the other hand fished the little plastic card out of her hand where it poked into your skin and opened the door behind your back without even looking. The door opened with a small “beep” and you smirked against your girlfriends lips.
“Show off” Georgia mumbled against your lips and pushed you backwards into the hotel room already pulling your shirt over your head
“Fuck” you panted as your back hit the mattress next to your girlfriend a light sheet of sweat covering your body “THAT...”
“Better than the last time?” Georgia smirked smugly her breathing coming out laboured
“Nothing can top last time Babe... but you tried” you chuckled turning your body so you were pressed into the blondes side tucking your head into her neck feeling how her arm sneaked around your back pulling you closer
“I mean... I can try again” you heard the smirk feeling how her hand started to wander again “and again... and again... and again”
“No... please don't... you tried enough for tonight” you chuckled as Georgia stroked lightly over your ribs tickling you slightly before pushing her hand away positioning it on your hip
Georgia showed mercy just rubbing her thumb soothingly over your hipbone pressing a soft kiss to your hair
“You only getter better with training...” your girlfriend smirked then yelped as you poked her side
“You telling me I'm bad at what I'm doing?” you pushed yourself up onto your elbow looking down at her raising your eyebrow
“No no no no...” Georgia quickly said pulling you back down this time on top of her holding you tightly to her chest
“Mhm... that's what I thought” you mumbled closing your eyes relaxing against the blondes chest just enjoying the time you have with your girlfriend without needing to worry about your sister interrupting
You felt Georgia wriggling around under you which caused you to lift your head – again.
“Really? You still want to... again?” you look at your girlfriend expectantly
“No... I actually just tried to get the blanket” Georgia laughed as she finally got the hem of the blanket and pulled it over the two of you “... wouldn't want to deliver you back to your pit bull-like sister with a cold”
“DON'T mention my sister right now... that doesn't.. no.. just no” you grunted
“Sorry...” your girlfriend chuckled
“You're disturbing my post-orgasmic-bliss” you complained whining
“Sorry... I can... I don't know... make you forget that I just said that?” Georgia smiled her hand starting to wander towards your ass again while the other grabbed your breast teasingly
“Gosh... you really are impossible” you rolled your eyes prying her hand off your breast
“I mean... did you see my girlfriend? I can't help meself” the blonde grinned pulling you a little upwards to press a kiss to your lips
“Mhm... I did see her... still don't know how you scored her?” you teased smirking
“I didn't... she's stubborn... but I'm glad she threatened to break me legs if I don't pull my finger out of me ass...” Georgia murmured kissing you softly and smiled
“Did she now? I should talk to her... apparently she knows how to keep you in check – you can be quiet... defying” you grinned letting her kiss you over and over again
“Excuse me?” your girlfriend exclaimed acting upset
“Mhm... didn't my sister told you – multiple times I might add – to keep your hands away from me?” you grinned kissing her this time
“I CAN keep me hands to meself” Georgia smirked “Question is.. would you want that?”
“Such a rebel aren't you...” you smirked kissing along your girlfriends jaw down her to her neck
“Have me moments” Georgias voice betrayed her as she clearly getting turned on again
“Mhm.... Keira told me” you smirked against her neck before biting down slightly
“Keira??” this time it was G who got sober immediately
“It's a turn off isn't it... hearing about them” you grinned sitting up now straddling her waist
“Yes” your girlfriend grumbled “What did that wanna be ginger told you?”
“That you got your first tattoo the day after you turned 18” you smirked the blanket loosely draped around your hip
“SHE roped me into it!” Georgia exclaimed sitting up as well
“Oh really?” you smirked down on her taking her face in your hands kissing her softly “Do tell”
“She just got a new one and because she knew Mama Walsh will have her ass she convinced me to get one too... then after the next england game she hugged her mum and of COURSE Mama Walsh immediately saw it” your girlfriend told you rolling her eyes “And the next thing I know is she pulled me over by me sleeve “Georgia has one too – and she's basically a baby”... then Mama Walsh had me ass too”
“She played you...” you laughed loudly “.... she played you so hard”
“Yeah... I had to stand there for 12 Minutes getting lectured by Mama Walsh about the risks of tattoos...” your girlfriend grumbled
“To be fair... when Mama Walsh has it out for your ass you better find someone who you can distract her with” you shrugged still grinning
“Yeah... she can be scary... but I'm still sure she loves me more than Keira” Georgia grinned straining her neck a little so she could steal a kiss again
“Bet she loves ME more than all of you” you smirked pressing a wet kiss to her lips
“Yeah yeah... you're everyones favourite” your girlfriend rolled her eyes again but the slight smile never leaving her lips
“G... I... have a question” you hesitated a little bit
“What you need, baby?” Georgia asked softly but seriously
“I want a tattoo... I want you to do it” you blurted out
“What?” your girlfriend looked at you dumb folded
“I want you to tattoo me.... I know what I want and where I want it...” you said seriously
“Baby.... I can't do that” Georgia looked up at you as you stare down at her with a little betrayal in your eyes “... first.. I never inked someone and secondly... Lucy and Keira would definitely kill me... and third.. you're 16...”
“Then I'm gonna be your first like you were mine...” you grinned and with each passing second it got wider “... Lucy and Keira never need to know... and my Birthday is in two weeks”
“Which still makes you underage” your girlfriend pointed out and you heard that you slowly wearing her down
“I can get you Lucys signing if you want... like... setting up a document that she's not allowed to kill you” you smiled widely
“I tell you what... If you get that done I'll seriously think about it” Georgia said and you leaned down kissing her softly “... but I'm not doing anything big”
“Don't worry... nothing big...” you promised scratching your girlfriends neck lightly
“And where?” Georgia kissed your neck softly
“Right...” you took her hand laying it on your left side guiding it up to the point where your bra would sit “... here”
“A rib tattoo? Baby... that's a bad idea... that will hurt like a bitch” your girlfriend murmured against your neck kissing her way down to your collarbone
“I can take it... I really want it” you said breathlessly
“Maybe somewhere else?” Georgia mumbled kissing her way further down her destination clear
“That's the only place Luce won't see it immediately” you now outright moaned “Fuck”
“Mhm” your girlfriend hummed sucking your hard nipple into her mouth
“You just can't... fuck...” you started to complain but your voice betrayed you once again and your hip rocked forward on its own accord
“You want something baby??” Georgia asked after she let go of your nipple with a wet pop
“More... please” your head fell onto Gs shoulder your hips still rocking in her lap
“More?” your girlfriend smirked starting to knead your other breast
“Please” you whined
“Fingers or mouth baby?” Georgia basically growled against your skin getting slightly possessive
“Fingers” you whined lifting your hips a bit and Georgia got the hint letting her hand slip in between your legs
“You're gonna be good for me?” your girlfriend growled starting to mark your skin with small bites not enough to leave a constant mark like she'd like to
“Yes... but please” you begged and whined trying to get her fingers inside you but her hand laid still between your legs
“You won't come without permission will you baby? You'll wait until I tell you that you can come, right?” Georgia playfully bit your nipple
“I won't... I promise” you moaned rocking your hips down trying to find some pressure relieve
“Good... and you won't becauseeee...” your girlfriend teased your entrance with one finger
“Yours” you whined desperately
“Mine what?” Georgia nudged the underside of your jaw with her nose
“All yours...” you nearly broke “... G please”
“Ssshh baby... I've got you” your girlfriend soothed you slipping her finger into you
“Fuck” you whimpered feeling Georgias digit enter your heat
“Mhm... so wet... so hot... so desperate” Georgia mumbled against your jaw kissing her way to the point just under your ear “All for me or is there someone else?”
“No one else” you panted against her shoulder
“Are you sure baby? No one...” your girlfriend bit down lightly “... someone spanish maybe... Jenni Hermoso maybe?”
Your hips rocked down hard on her finger your rhythmic movement faltering for a second before it picked up again
“Hmmm...” Georgia hummed pleased “... maybe that could be arranged one day”
“Fuck...” you whimpered
“Bubs??” you heard suddenly through the door loud banging followed
“Fuck” you looked at Georgia shocked her face just as frightened
“BUBS?” Lucy said a little louder
“What??” you yelled back your hand covering your girlfriends mouth
“You okay? You were gone suddenly” your sister spoke loudly
“Yeah... just... didn't wanna wait till Keira recovered from her confusement” you tried
“Can you maybe open the door?? I'm standing here like an idiot” Lucy sneered
“It's... not the best time Luce...” you whined “I'm... about to go shower”
“Well... then let me in and shower then” your sister wasn't giving up and you knew it
“You can also go back to your own room” you said helplessly
“Can't... Less has the key card and I don't know where Less is” Lucy groaned
“Lucy please... just... go somewhere else” you whined back even knowing all mood was gone
“You are my sister... why would I go somewhere... wait a second... where is Georgia?? Is Stanway with you???” your sister exclaimed
“No for god sakes Lucy... I just want to shower in peace... fuck off now” you yelled through the room and suddenly it was quiet
“Fuck me... she really knows how to ruin the mood” you grumbled lifting yourself off your girlfriends lap who was still rooted in her place “Unbelievable”
“That was close” Georgia stammed still a little scared
“Yeah well.. I was too...” you continue to grumble mostly to yourself until... you heard the signature “beep” of the door – your head shot up first to the door then to your girlfriend who spotted the same frightened look as you
You quickly threw on a shirt and gestured to Georgia to hide – which was ridiculous since it was firstly her room and secondly there wasn't really anywhere for her to hide
“Hide” you whisper yelled panicked while you threw a shoe at the door trying to block it
“Where??” Georgia whisper yelled back looking around just as panicked
“I don't know” you pulled on some shorts quickly
“Bubs... you blocking the door?” you heard Lucys voice and already saw the crown of her head trying to make its way inside the room
“Why would I??” you answered and tried to sound annoyed watching your girlfriend ripping open the door of the closet “Really?? You wanna hide in the wardrobe??”
“You have a better idea?” your girlfriend hissed back
“Bath or Balcony?” you looked at her confused
“Bubs... the door is stuck” your sister complained again
“You are stuck you muppet” you shot back pushing your girlfriend outside on the balcony
“Yeah well maybe you open the door then” Lucy said annoyed
You quickly went over ripping the door open looking at her expectantly
“What you want and where did you get that key?” you grunted at her
“Wanted to make sure you okay – you're on Sarinas list now... and key... Leah – as the capitan she has a universal key” your sister shrugged her shoulders “Jesus Christ Bubs... open the windows would you... it seriously stinks in here”
“I will... I just didn't want to come back from me shower into a cold room” you lied weakly “you saw that I'm alright now... so... good night”
“Yeah since I don't know where Less is... can I crash at yours?” Lucy rubbed the back of her neck embarrassed
“No” you exclaimed before clearing your throat “I mean... that's a little inconvenient Luce...”
“I'm your sister” Lucy exclaimed rolling her eyes
“I know and I love you... seriously... but I just want to shower and go to bed.. I...” you said trying to come up with an excuse “... I... have this... woman problem you know....”
“Your period?” your sister asked confused
“Yes...” you nodded slowly
“And? Gosh Bubs you really scared me there for a second... you need anything?” Lucy said lovingly
“Just... peace and quiet... please” you basically begged her at this point
“Geez okay... I'm already leaving...” your sister said and you noticed she got all defensive
“Luce” you whined
“No it's okay... you're a grown up now... you don't need me anymore” Lucy said already half way through the door
“That's not true.... Lucy come on...” you said again trying to calm your sister down
“Keira said I need to let you spread your wings... WINGS Bubs... not your legs okay” your sister said and pointed at you threating
“Okay Ew... that's disgusting” you pulled a face disgusted
“Exactly... sex is disgusting... never take part in it” Lucy said happy with herself
“Yeah...” you said embarrassed “... you're too later for that I'm afraid”
“Good... now go shower and then to bed... Sarina will blast through your door in... four hours” your sister smiled quickly checking her watch
“What does Sarina want?” you ask confused
“You're on her list... you gonna run” Lucy smiled before disappearing into the corridor again
“Fuck me” you exclaimed whining closing the door making your way to the bathroom
You just stepped under the shower when you remembered something important
“FUCK” you quickly jumped out of the shower wrapping yourself in a big fluffy towel before speed walking through the room opening the balcony door again pushing your head outside looking at your girlfriend who was just covered by a thin blanket standing pressed into the corner of the outside space
“Lucys gone” you smiled innocently ushering Georgia inside
“Do you know how cold it is in England this time of the year??” your girlfriend said her teeth chattering slightly
“Yeah I know... I'm sorry... but come on... I already turned on the shower for you” you smiled
“Gosh I love you” Georgia said pressing a kiss to your forehead heading towards the bathroom
“Oh and babe... Sarina will kick our door down in about four hours...” you nonchalantly called after her and you heard a crashing sound
“WHAT??”
#lucy bronze x reader#lucy bronze#keira walsh x reader#barca femeni#mapi leon x reader#ona batlle x reader#woso image#jenni hermoso x reader#lionesses x reader#georgia stanway x reader#alexia putellas x reader
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🩰🌸My first manifestation success story🌸🩰
I really want to thank @pinkchrissysposts , I took her advice of affirming and her tips for affirming is really amazing too it's been about a week we last texted I send her ask but she left😔.
Also her tip for affirming is pretty amazing I'm gonna copy paste what she recommended me.
"OK here when we get random negative thought we start believing in which cause us to get in the negative state,we are not looking for the proof in the 3D,it's just a random thought we unconsciously start to dwell on by re affirming it,you might notice that when we are ina negative state,we also get positive thought like "no it's not true I'm just overthinking" but again you start negatively thinking despite the fact that everything is OK because you choose to believe in that random thought that's trying to scare you.
So when you are affirming for your desire example 'good skin' even if the 3d is showing you something else ignore it and rather embrace the positive thought/affirmation,believe in the affirmation. When we focus on believing the affirmation rather then looking proof you will realize what wish fulfilled really mean,you can try out a small or even big desire but remember manifestation should be fun,take it as a fun challenge and affirm for whatever you want and remember what I said not for 3d but to just believe it as a fact."
I'm so thankful for her advice,she recommended me to take a break and calmly decide what I truly want,and I finally decided to affirm just as she recommended and I notice so much changes after a day of robotically affirming.
Basically what happens is when you are more focus on trying to believe the affirmation rather then making it 3D,the 3d does start to feel useless or powerless,even when I was sweating,I wasn't worried about it,the affirmation "I never sweat" start to feel more powerful then the 3D. I just affirmed it for fun robotically not to see it in 3D but to believe in it AS A FACT and that lead me in the state of wish fulfilled.
From my very own experience what I think happens is that when we affirm and put our whole attention on just believing the affirmation instead of paying attention to the 3D and looking for results,we detach from our desires or you can say outcome all we want is indeed just the feeling of having the desires. When I did what she suggested I stopped getting doubt because all I had to do was believe that I have my desires,even if I don't have it in the 3D,my subconscious got fooled because it doesn't have any eyes and I got my desire in 4 days I haven't sweat in a week and everyone keep asking what perfume i use:).
As someone who have aphantasia this was such a 360° for me,when I was in was practicing states it was really hard when bloggers would tell me even with aphantasia people can manifest,I would get frustrated and cuss at their text,and my faith and trust on loa was starting to fade but i decided to give affirmation a chance and i read many a +p posts but no one ever recommended and motivated me to affirm like how chrissy did. I'm gonna be starting my void/shifting journey since I now know exactly what to do.
I will be post my void progress on my main account @jujubaaevoid
Xoxo <3
#manifestation#loa#affirm and persist#void state#law of assumption#manifesting#desire life#shift#states#wish fulfilled#embody states#shiftblr#loablr#loa blog#affirm and saturate#saturate subconscious#subconscious reprogramming
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౨ৎ telling bf!jj about your fears | sfw
cw lowkey cheesy lol and i actually hate this so i might delete this later but i wanted to post something :’)
ৎ୭
you and jj settled down on your bed a few moments ago, calming down from an exhausting day at the beach, when he reaches up to brush a strand of hair behind your ear.
“what’s going on in your head?” he asks, noticing that little frown you always had when you’d think too much. and right now you were definitely overthinking stuff.
“nothing,” you reply, not wanting to dive further into thoughts that have been terrorizing your mind for weeks now.
you love jj. you love him more than anything else on this planet. but recently, you found yourself thinking about your relationship in ways you wish you didn’t. you’d think about him—about how loving he is as a friend and especially as a boyfriend. and you’d think about yourself and what could’ve been so special about you that he chose you.
jj furrows his eyebrows, tracing his finger down your jawline slowly. “come on, y/n. you can tell me.” he offers, giving you a reassuring smile.
when you don’t answer and just keep staring and thinking about everything, he calls your name out softly, “y/n? please, tell me.”
“s’nothing.” you deny again, but jj shakes his head and props himself up on his elbow, cupping your cheeks with his hands. “y/n y/l/n. what is going on in that pretty little head of yours, hm?”
his action makes you huff a little giggle, and you give in, “i just— sometimes i find it hard to believe that you’re my boyfriend. i mean, you’re special. like literally sent from heaven and so adorable and loving, so— so beautiful and sweet and way out of my league, and i’m just so… me.”
jj stares at you, trying to comprehend everything that babbles out of your mouth. he blinks a few times before bursting out in laughter. “i’m out of your league?” he asks. he couldn’t believe you’d even think that.
“yeah.”
“are you fucking with me right now? can you look at yourself, please? did you see what i pulled?” he gestures up and down your body before pointing straight at your face, “did you?!”
but before you can answer, he shifts on top of you and starts to pepper your face with kisses, making loud ‘mwuah’ sounds.
“don’t every fucking talk yourself down like that again,” he mumbles in between kisses before finally pulling away to look at your now flushed face. “you’re beautiful, okay? and i wouldn’t be a thing that you named me if i wouldn’t have you. you make me everything that i am. you make me happy, y/n. and i love you; do you understand that?” he whispers and presses his forehead against yours, awaiting your answer.
you nod, “yes, i understand.”
“then say it back.”
“i love you, too.”
ৎ୭
#jj maybank#jj mayback x reader#jj maybank x y/n#jj maybank fanfiction#jj maybank imagine#jj maybank prompt#obx fanfiction#obx imagine#jj obx
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a really interesting theme i find in taylor’s work is that of being a fool or fooling someone else. love is looked at from this lens of a thing that you have to tricked into. which is really juxtaposed by her belief of “it is fate.” i think it somewhat comes from how openly and hugely she loves vs her view of herself as something that brings disaster. and also some pretty formative experiences when she was a young girl going into adulthood and how she felt used and unworthy and small. hence, all the trickery to make someone love her and trying to be in control, whether she’s the one starting it or ending it.
in cowboy like me, she talks about how she’s conned all these men, and they’ve all fallen for her. she takes what she wants from then and then she bolts. then in hits different, she sings “i use to switch out these kens, i’d just ghost // rip the bandaid off and skip town like an asshole outlaw” she meets a boy, falls in love, and when they break up, she moves on quickly and goes to another one to not feel distraught, and when this new boy makes her fake promises, she does the same thing to him and moves on with someone else. she’s in control.
and then “i think there’s been a glitch,” and with joe, she thought it was gonna be something casual and they tried that but it turned out to be one of those things that supposed to last. her con finally works. after all these tries, she’s finally masterminded her forever, and she doesn’t even feel bad because he knew. but then, she realizes that she failed yet again, it didn’t work. she didn’t con her way into a sweet forever, but rather forever conned her. fate gave her something, she tried to control it, but she failed.
she tries again. she’s been talking with this boy from her past again, and she thinks that this time, bolting will work and she will find her happy ending. what she though was fate, meant to be, all the pain of her long term relationship and her leaving was supposed to meant something, but turns out that this time the script flips, and he was the conman and he was selling her a get-love-quick scheme (loml). and she doesn’t even get to bolt! he’s the one who leaves her behind (“i’ll never leave, never mind” - loml), and she can’t even complain.
all’s not well because it doesn’t end well because she didn’t end up with anybody. instead of trying herself again, she’s just begging someone to change the prophecy. and the alchemy still implies something not in her hands being a huge factor, and who are they to fight it? they have to abide by it. and ofc she equates love to religion and sees fate as a belief system. she wants it to work out, and it hits her hard whenever it doesn’t. i’ve been thinking about this since the album release and seeing some other posts, and my unpopular opinion is that i think it’s still something she believes in despite *gestures broadly* but after last year, she doesn’t wanna control it anymore. no fooling, she doesn’t wanna mastermind and do all the work, she just want it to be easy and she wants it to be simply good to her.
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⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀❀ — CAFÉS & CROSSWORDS
🇵🇸 daily click | palestine masterpost | important tlou post
loser abby chokes on air, almost drops her pencil, and crossword book on the floor when she notices you walking into the small café that she’s always visiting, for the first time. a bright smile on your face that has her cheeks flushing crimson red under the dim lighting of the area she was sitting in, just because of how bright your smile was. her palms suddenly sweaty when you’re letting out a laugh. a laugh she wants to constantly hear.
the turtle neck sweater suddenly feels too tight around her neck, her blush deepening when you’re turning around, still laughing with your friends, and your eyes slowly trail around until they’re landing on her. smiling softly when you spot her scrambling for her pen, looking away just as quick when she’s realising you had just caught her staring shamelessly.
abby was quickly trying to act oblivious to your staring. if she could stare at you and blush whenever you find her looking, why can’t you stare and smirk when she catches you watching? but it was slightly harder for her because she could feel your eyes burning into the side of her face. almost like you were trying to knock her glasses off just by looking at her.
she had barely even realized you’d grabbed your drink, and made your way over to the selection of books on the shelf when abby turned around, without seeming too shy this time or hiding it better, to look for you. only pouting as a result when she couldn’t find you. had you left? why was she already wanting to fawn over you from a distance and never actually talk to you? was she scared? maybe. would she ever say anything to you unless you did? never.
it was cute. cute watching her look for you and she barely even knew your name.
simply unaware you were standing behind her, finding the whole interaction more adorable with a smile on your face when she’s burying her face back into her book, or whatever it was that she was reading or doing.
taking a few steps forward, you couldn’t help but wonder what she was doing. your interest peaking higher at the pretty blonde who suddenly gained your attention as you heard before you could see the pencil in her hand, tapping on the wooden table and a angry scoffed came from her.
your smile brightened a few seconds later at the simple realisation she liked to do puzzles, and was clearly seconds away from giving up.
“introgression” you finally spoke up after watching her struggle for an extra few minutes on writing and erasing the incorrect answer.
the hairs on the back of her neck stood up, turning around on her chair quickly and regrettably knocking her knee on the table in the process when she found you, standing there with your head cocked to the side and chuckling. with a wince, she replied with a stammered, “what?” looking anywhere but at you.
“the answer to your crossword question. what is a 13-letter word meaning entrance? it’s introgression”
“oh”
“m’sorry, you’ve just been staring at it for a while” you chuckled, smiling down at her.
“it kinda slipped my mind i guess, but thank you”
“you’re welcome” you giggled, fumbling with your bracelet. “do you do crosswords a lot?”
“uhm, sometimes? keeps my brain focused” abby nodded, nervously tucking a strand of loose hair behind her glasses, and pushing her glasses higher up on her nose. “s’tupid, i know”
“no, no. s’not stupid, it’s cute” you reassured her quickly, smirking at her sudden flushed cheeks. “i can help you finish it, if you’d like? no pressure, i just like crosswords too”
“you uh, want to—”
“yes pretty girl, i want to crossword with you”
“aren’t you busy?”
“never too busy to talk to someone as handsome as you. oh and the crosswords too, obviously, i guess”
abby couldn't stop blushing at your words while you placed your hot drink on the table, sitting down on the chair opposite her. “you’re definitely here for the puzzle” she giggled.
“and something else, but let’s finish this before we get to the details about our date, yeah?”
#loser!abby#abby anderson#abby anderson x you#abby anderson x reader#abby anderson drabble#abby anderson fluff#abby the last of us#abby anderson tlou2#abby tlou
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What are friends for?
PT. 11
Status: ongoing!!
Updates: no set date.
WC: 4300
Pairing: megumi fushiguro x FEM!reader
Genre/Warnings:[18+] Characters are aged up. This story contains toxic boyfriend, cursing, name calling, self-doubt/hate, angst, breaking up, post-breakup, alcohol, drug use, drunk moments, new friends, dating!au, college!au, no curses!au, dark humour, dark jokes. SMAU. Smut.
Recap:
As Megumi is about to head upstairs, Itadori stops him and pulls him to the side with a serious expression. "Yo, Megumi," he begins, catching Megumi's attention. Megumi turns to face him, a hint of confusion showing on his face. "What's up?"
"You gotta tell her, you know…" Itadori's tone is firm, his eyes locked on Megumi's.
Megumi furrows his brows, trying to understand. "Huh? What are you talking about?"
"You know what I'm talking about, Megumi," Itadori insists, his voice dropping slightly. "I'm not stupid. I saw the hickey on her neck. I know it's from you. And I'm happy for you, man. I'm glad you're both talking again. But seriously, you need to tell her… or else things are gonna get fucked over again."
Megumi meets Itadori's gaze, his mind racing as he processes the gravity of the situation. After a moment of contemplation, he nods solemnly. "Yeah, I will."
"When is it happening? Is it your last one?" Itadori asks, his concern evident.
Megumi stares at him, his expression unreadable, before glancing at the time: 4:52 am. "Yeah, if y/n's asleep, then I'll go now," he replies, a sense of urgency creeping into his tone.
"It's your last time doing this... right?"
Megumi meets Itadori's gaze with a serious expression and nods silently.
He heads upstairs to his bedroom, his footsteps echoing softly in the quiet house. Slowly, he nudges the door open just a bit, sneaking a peek inside. There you are, lying so peacefully on his bed. Seeing you like that, he can't help but smile. He figures you're completely knocked out, just by the way your chest rises up and down slowly.
Carefully, he steps into the room, trying not to disturb you. He places a glass of water on the nightstand nearby, a small gesture to make sure you're comfortable. With your eyes closed, you expect him to climb back into bed and pull you close, but he doesn't. Instead, you hear him shuffling around in his closet, then the soft click of the door as he leaves. The room suddenly feels a bit emptier without him, a stark contrast to the warmth you were anticipating.
Fully awake now, you scan around the room, but Megumi is nowhere to be seen. Sensing something amiss, you quickly get out of bed and grab a sweater and sweatpants from his closet to get dressed in before leaving his room and heading to the stairs.
As you approach the stairs, you spot Itadori and Megumi standing in front of the house door. Intrigued, you're about to head down to ask them what they're up to until you overhear their conversation. "Just stick to the plan," Itadori says, prompting a flood of questions in your mind. Plan? What plan? You can't help but wonder.
"Once you're done, send me the message, and I'll let Gojo know," Itadori continues, mentioning someone named Gojo. Gojo as in our Professor? The pieces of the puzzle aren't quite fitting together, leaving you confused and curious about their discussion.
"Got it. Thanks, Itadori," Megumi replies before stepping outside.
“Oh, and Megumi!” Itadori interjects before Megumi can step outside. Megumi turns around to face him, and Itadori hands him a small bottle. Megumi accepts it with a nod, tucking it into his pocket.
"Be careful," Itadori says, his voice carrying genuine concern and a hint of worry.
"I always am," Megumi replies, his smile offering reassurance. With that, he heads out, and Itadori closes the door behind him.
You've already made your way downstairs, and when Itadori turns to head up the stairs, he almost bumps into you, jolting back in fear as he wasn't expecting you to be there.
"Y/N! Holy shit, you scared me," he exclaims, catching his breath.
You look at him and then at the door behind him. "Where is Megumi going?"
"Uh... he just went to grab something. He'll be back soon," Itadori replies, his tone a bit nervous.
"At 5 in the morning?" you question, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh yeah, you know he's an early bird...."
"Hm. Let's go follow him then," you suggest, moving toward the door. However, Itadori steps in front of you, stopping you in your tracks.
"Let's not do that! He wants to be alone right now,"
"Don't be silly, Itadori! Come on," you insist, reaching for his car keys. But Itadori quickly snatches them from the table.
"Y/n, seriously, let's just go back to sleep. He'll be back soon," he urges, his tone firm.
"Why are you being weird?" you ask, puzzled by Itadori's behaviour.
Glancing down at the side table where everyone usually keeps their keys, you spot Toge's keys. You move closer to the door while Itadori is still in front of you, and notice him taking a step back every time you take a step forward. Slowly reaching for the door handle, you touch it and open the door. "Megumi's still here, maybe I'll go ask him," you say, tricking Itadori as he turns around to check. Seizing the opportunity, you quickly grab Toge's car keys and duck under Itadori's arm, running out the door and getting into Toge's car. You start up the engine, and hit the gas quickly before Itadori can even react.
Barely processing what happened, Itadori runs out the door, locking it and rushing to his car to follow you. "Fuck, Y/n, what the fuck," he breathes out, stressed, as he tries to catch up to you while you drive ahead.
You speed off, determined to find Megumi, and soon spot his car on the highway. "Found you," you mutter to yourself as you catch up to him, trying not to attract attention. There weren't many cars out at this hour, which was a relief considering your current state of intoxication. However, the lack of traffic also meant that any movement could draw unwanted attention. You tread carefully, mindful of the need to avoid attracting too much notice as you navigate the quiet streets.
Glancing in the mirror, you see Itadori's car right behind you. "Damn it, Itadori!" you curse under your breath, feeling the stress mounting. As he pulls up beside you, you both roll down your windows "Y/N, just turn back around!" he shouts, frustration evident in his voice.
"For a minute, Itadori, please, just fuck off!" you plead, feeling the urgency to find out what Megumi is up to. With determination, you hit the gas, speeding up to overtake him. Spotting Megumi exiting the highway, you follow suit, trailing him into a mysterious town in the middle of nowhere. Realizing that following him directly might raise suspicion, you decide to turn off your headlights and make a discreet U-turn to enter the town.
As you proceed cautiously, you notice Megumi's car parked ahead. Opting to stay inconspicuous, you pull over behind a building, grateful that Toge's car is black and less obvious in the dimly lit area.
You step out of your car, taking in the dimly lit surroundings. The neighbourhood is quiet, with not a lot of buildings in sight, most if not all of them are old looking. As you make your way toward Megumi's car, you're careful not to draw attention to yourself.
Why on earth would Megumi be here?
You hide behind a tree, looking out into the sparse glow, spotting Megumi standing alone in the empty parking lot. You can't help but notice that Megumi has something covering the lower half of his face—maybe a mask?
What are you up to Megumi?
You observe him lighting up something and bringing it to his mouth, while adjusting his mask just enough to inhale. Leaning against a nearby light pole, he seems lost in thought.
Is he just here to smoke? Could this be what he and Itadori were talking about? his last time before he stops? But why this place, if that's the case? Is it one of his secret “spots” he goes to escape?
You ponder these questions as your mind races. Suddenly, your attention is diverted as you notice another figure approaching, also clad in black with a mask covering half of their face. Megumi swiftly adjusts his mask back down over his mouth as he puts out the finished blunt under his foot.
What the fuck?
You watch as the two figures stare at each other, but their masks make it impossible to tell if they're talking. With careful steps, you get closer, trying to catch any snippets of conversation. It's hard to make out their words, but their gestures indicate they're definitely engaged in a discussion. Then, to your dismay, you see Megumi reach into his pocket and pull out something Itadori gave him earlier. Your heart sinks as you realize what it is.
Is he fucking dealing drugs?
What the actual fuck is going on.
Rage consumes you as you witness the scene unfolding before your eyes. You knew that you shouldn’t, knew it was dumb, but you couldn’t control the amount of anger propelling you forward. You dash towards them, unable to contain yourself any longer.
"What the fuck are you doing?!" you shout at Megumi, your voice filled with fury.
His expression drops at the sight of you, and you can almost feel the weight of his thoughts.
Damn it, Y/n, what the hell are you doing? he silently curses.
“What are you doing here?" he responds, his tone casual but his eyes betraying a simmering frustration. He's furious that you've stumbled upon this scene. You weren't supposed to witness this. Heck you weren't supposed to be here.
"You don't get to ask me what I'm doing here. What the hell are you doing here, and who the hell are you?" you fire back, your anger boiling over.
You glare at Megumi and the stranger standing before him. Before Megumi can even respond, the man bursts into laughter. You exchange puzzled glances with Megumi, then turn your attention back to the stranger.
"I knew I recognized you," he declares, pulling off his mask.
You stare at the man in disbelief. "Hey, sweetheart, missed me?" he says, winking at you before you snap back to reality, your shock quickly turning to fury.
"Haruta?"
"What the hell is going on? Why are you with my ex-boyfriend?" you demand, your anger escalating with each word.
"Y/n, it's not what it looks like," Megumi begins, but you cut him off with a scathing retort.
"Like hell it isn't, Megumi."
Your ex continues to laugh, only fueling your rage. "It's exactly what it looks like, isn't it, 'Megumi? Dealing drugs?" he taunts, and you shoot him a venomous glare.
"Shut the hell up, I'm not talking to you," you hiss, pointing a finger in his direction.
"Oh, still fierce as ever, are we?" Your heart pounds in your chest, his words dripping with mockery. Before you can react, he moves closer and grabs your wrist and pulls you towards him, his grip firm and unyielding. Panic surges through you as his arm snakes around your neck, trapping you in a suffocating embrace. You freeze, your breath catching in your throat, as his other hand reaches into his pocket, retrieving a knife. The cold metal presses against your skin, sending a shiver down your spine. Paralyzed by fear, you can only gasp in shock, praying for a miracle to save you from this nightmare.
"Get your fucking hands off her!" Megumi shouts, his anger boiling over. Megumi's hand clenches into a tight fist, his nails digging into his skin with a ferocity that threatens to draw blood. His knuckles whiten with the intensity of his anger, a potent mix of fury and desperation swirling within him. The sight of you in danger ignites a primal rage deep within his core, fueling his resolve to protect you at any cost. Every fiber of his being strains against the urge to lash out, his muscles tensing as he struggles to contain the seething emotions coursing through him.
"Scared I'm gonna hurt your little girlfriend?" your ex taunts, provoking Megumi further.
"Watch who the hell you're talking to," Megumi warns, his voice laced with more anger. Megumi takes a step forward, ready to intervene, but freezes in his tracks as he sees your ex move the knife dangerously close to your neck. The sight of the blade drawing blood makes his blood run cold, a surge of fear and anger coursing through him. He's torn between rushing to your defense and the fear of escalating the situation further. Helplessness washes over him as he watches you flinch from the prick of the blade, It's a gut-wrenching moment, and he struggles to find a way to keep you safe without making things worse.
"G-gumi," Your voice trembles as you manage to utter Megumi's name, desperation and fear lacing your words. As you lock eyes with him, you see the fear and stress mirrored in his own gaze.
"Oh, don't be like that, sweetheart," he taunts in a cocky tone, his grip tightening around you. "Why say his name when I'm the one holding you close to me?" His words drip with arrogance, a cruel reminder of your vulnerability in this precarious situation. You can feel the tension in the air thickening, his voice a chilling contrast to the fear coursing through your veins.
"What the hell do you want?" Megumi's voice cuts through the tension, sharp with anger. His words are a demand, a challenge to your ex to justify his actions. The intensity in his tone is palpable, a reflection of the protective rage burning within him.
"Why are you doing this, Haruta?" you manage to choke out, your breaths coming in ragged gasps. His grip tightens on you, a cruel reminder of your vulnerability.
"Oh, come on, I think Megumi knows exactly why." He says while glancing at Megumi. "And honestly, you, y/n, made it quite easier for me." His laughter echoes.
"You think this is funny? Some kind of fucking game to you, huh? "
Haruta's laughter dies down as he meets Megumi's glare with a serious expression.
"Oh? Isn't this all just a game to you too, Megumi?" Haruta retorts, his tone biting. "Being sent out by your father, isn't that right?" The accusation hangs heavy in the air, and Megumi's silence speaks volumes.
"What the hell are you talking about?" you demand, your confusion mounting, but Haruta just smirks in response. Desperate for answers, you turn to Megumi, searching his face for any sign of explanation.
"Megumi, what the hell is he talking about?"
But he doesn't say anything he just glares at Haruta, his silence only seeming to fuel Haruta's excitement.
"That little boyfriend of yours hasn't told you, huh?" Haruta chuckles slightly, his tone dripping with malice. "Let me get it in that little pretty head of yours, sweetheart,"
Before Haruta can continue, a new figure enters the scene, his imposing presence commanding attention. He's a towering man, muscular and intimidating, clad in a tight black shirt that accentuates his physique. His dark hair falls across his face, framing sharp features, and a scar mars the right side of his lip, adding to his rugged appearance.
"That's enough," he interjects, his voice low and authoritative, cutting off Haruta mid-sentence. His arrival casts a palpable tension, his gaze flickering between you three with a silent warning.
"Ahh, Toji Zenin," Haruta acknowledges with a smirk, his tone laced with a hint of amusement. As Toji approaches, his gaze fixates on you, a silent warning in his eyes.
But before he can reach you, Haruta brings the knife dangerously close to your neck again. "Uh uh uh," he taunts, his smirk widening.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you."
Toji walks over to Megumi, offering a brief, reassuring pat on the back before casually leaning against him, his elbow resting on Megumi's shoulder. His gaze sweeps over both of you, his expression one of nonchalant indifference, as if the entire situation bores him.
Holy shit they look so alike...
Before you can process what's happening, Toji springs into action with lightning speed. In the blink of an eye, he rushes towards Haruta, shoving him away from you with a swift, decisive motion. With effortless efficiency, Toji traps Haruta in a chokehold, his movements fluid and precise. The suddenness of it all leaves you stunned, as if time itself has slowed to a crawl.
Gasping for air, you clutch at your neck, the sensation of Haruta's grip still lingering painfully. In an instant, Megumi is by your side, pulling you into his embrace with a fierce protectiveness. His arms envelop you, offering a sense of safety and comfort amidst the chaos.
"Hey, hey, hey, look at me," Megumi's voice is gentle yet firm as he lifts your head to meet his gaze. "You're okay," he reassures you, his words a soothing balm to your frayed nerves. It's only then that you realize tears are streaming down your cheeks, your emotions finally breaking free. Megumi's touch is tender as he brushes away your tears.
Megumi's gaze meets Toji's for a fleeting moment, a silent exchange of understanding passing between them. He knows they need to leave before things escalate further. Turning his attention back to you, Megumi's voice is gentle as he suggests, "Hey, let's go back to my car, okay?" Taking your hand, he leads you away from the tense atmosphere, guiding you both towards safety. Once inside the car, a heavy silence settles between you, the echoes of the recent events still lingering in the air.
"What the hell just happened?" you break the silence, the words tumbling out in a mixture of confusion and disbelief.
Megumi's grip on the steering wheel tightens, his jaw clenched with a mixture of anger and frustration. "I don't know."
"You weren't supposed to be here. You shouldn't have been here."
"Please… tell me what's going on," you plead, your voice filled with desperation. The uncertainty weighs heavily on you, the need for answers pressing against your thoughts like a relentless tide. You search his eyes for any sign of clarity, hoping to unravel the mysteries that have unfolded before you.
Megumi's gaze softens as he meets your eyes, a mixture of guilt and determination reflected in his expression.
"It's… complicated."
"I don't fucking care how complicated it is, Megumi," you exclaim, your voice laced with anger and frustration. "After going through all of that, I need an explanation. Why the fuck were you here? Why were you with my ex? What the hell were you doing?" Each word is punctuated by the weight of your emotions, demanding clarity and understanding from the chaos that has unfolded.
"These are things you shouldn't know, Y/n. Please, just drop it." It's a plea born out of a desire to shield you from the dangers.
But despite his words, you can't shake the feeling that there's more to the story, secrets hidden beneath the surface waiting to be unearthed. And as you stare into his eyes, you can't help but wonder what else he's keeping from you, what other truths lie hidden in the depths of his silence.
"I can't do this anymore. You're just like Haruta. Lying and keeping shit hidden. What the hell, Megumi? I'm done," you declare, frustration and hurt lacing your words as you reach for the door handle, ready to walk away.
But before you can open the door, Megumi's hand lands firmly on your thigh, his grip tightening to prevent you from leaving.
"Don't compare me to that piece of shit," he interjects, his voice filled with a mixture of anger and hurt.
"Then stop acting like him!"
"Y/n, I can't just tell you this shit."
"Why? Why the hell not?" you demand, your anger boiling over.
"I told you it's fucking complicated."
"I almost got fucking killed, Megumi. Isn't that good enough to explain what the fuck happened?"
"Angel, please," Megumi implores, his voice soft with a plea.
"I thought so. Bye, Megumi."
But before you can make your exit again, his grip tightens ever so slightly. "Angel," he says again, his voice carrying a weight of uncertainty.
"If I tell you this, you'll end up hating me," he continues, his words heavy with the weight of his fears. "You'll despise me, never want to talk to me again…"
"No, that’s not true…"
"You say that now, but you don't know… you don't know what I've done," he murmurs, his voice heavy with guilt.
Your heart aches at the pain etched across his features. "Whatever it is, we can work through it together," you reply, reaching out to gently touch his hand.
"Fuck… okay," Megumi begins, his voice heavy with the weight of his confession.
"My dad… he's not a good person, not anymore at least... It started when my mom passed away, happened when was young. Losing her took a toll on him, and he… he lost himself in his grief. He didn't know how to take care of me, how to be there for me."
He pauses, his words carrying a sense of pain and regret. "To cope, he turned to gambling. It started innocently enough, but it quickly became an addiction. And when money became short, he became desperate. That's when he turned to… other things... bad things," Megumi continues, his voice strained.
"He joined the family mafia, thinking it was the easiest way to make money. But their 'missions' weren't just petty crimes. They involved… murder. Not just anyone, though. They targeted important people, threats to the family or rival mafia members." The weight of his words hangs in the air, a stark reminder of the darkness that has tainted his family's legacy.
"But even that wasn't enough," Megumi continues, his voice growing quieter, weighed down by the enormity of his words. "He kept gambling, losing all the money he would make… And knowing he wasn't doing a good job at taking care of me, he… he sold me."
"He sold me to someone who took me in... Saturo Gojo."
"Wait… Saturo Gojo, as in our professor?" you interject, shock coloring your voice. Megumi simply nods in confirmation.
"But why are you with Toji now?" you press, your confusion deepening.
"Gojo got him locked up, but a few months ago, he escaped prison… and found me, he threatened to kill me, my friends, Gojo, if I didn't listen to his orders… So out of instinct, I complied. I didn't want any of them to get hurt."
"Why the hell would someone's father threaten to kill their own son? That's beyond messed up…" you exclaim, your voice trembling with disbelief and anger.
"He would tell me to sell these drugs to the people he's targeting so I could get their numbers, meet up with them when they want more, and then he'll come and… murder them."
"Wait… so, Haruta… he's… he's one of Toji's targets?"
Megumi nods solemnly, confirming your worst fears. "Yeah… Haruta was one of his targets," he admits, his voice heavy with sorrow.
"But… why? Why is he a target?"
"He's the son of one of the highest-ranking mafia leaders… He's killed many people before, and he was a big threat to the Zenin clan," Megumi reveals, his words heavy with the weight of truth.
"He what?!" you exclaim, your voice trembling with fear. The revelation sends a shockwave of fear and disgust through you, your mind reeling at the realization that your ex-boyfriend was not only a member of a dangerous criminal organization but also a murderer.
"This would've ended months ago… but he probably figured it out,"
"What do you mean? Figured out about the Zenins' attack?"
Megumi hesitates before continuing, the weight of his words hanging heavy in the air. "The first time I gave him drugs, it was at a party… My d—Toji—made me give him a blunt, but… he laced it with heavier shit. Like high amounts of fentanyl. That was his first attempt to kill him, but he didn't smoke it. So I tried plan B… I made him try cocaine… He did, and he got addicted."
"Wait… so his addiction started… because of you?"
Megumi's silence speaks volumes, the weight of his guilt evident in the downturn of his expression. "Yeah… I played a part in it," he admits, his voice heavy with remorse. "I didn't know what Toji had planned at the time… but I was still responsible for giving him the drugs."
"No, no, no, no, no,"
"Megumi…" your voice breaks slightly as you struggle to convey the depth of your emotions. "Do you not see how messed up this is?"
"I know… I'm so-"
"No! You don't understand," you interrupt, your voice tinged with frustration and pain. "You're the one who gave him the drugs. The drugs he got addicted to and tried making me do. That's when he became even more emotionally abusive." Tears well up in your eyes as you struggle to contain the flood of emotions threatening to consume you.
His heart shatters at your words, the weight of your pain crashing over him like a tidal wave. How could he have unknowingly contributed to the suffering you endured at the hands of your ex? The thought is like a knife to his heart, tearing him apart from the inside out.
"If I had known… If I had known you were a part of his life, I…" Megumi's voice falters, his words choked with emotion. He struggles to find the right words to express the depth of his regret, the overwhelming guilt threatening to consume him.
"I would have done things differently. I would have protected you, kept you safe from harm," he continues, his voice trembling with emotion. "I'm so sorry, Y/n. I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted any of this to happen."
As he speaks, his words are a desperate plea for forgiveness, a fervent wish to turn back time and undo the pain he's caused. But he knows that he can never erase the past.
You step out of the car, your voice trembling with emotion, a sense of numbness washes over you. "I-I can't do this right now…" you murmur, your words barely audible.
"Y/n! Wait!" Megumi's desperate shout echoes in the air.
"Y/n…?" Megumi's voice softens as he steps out of the car, searching frantically for any sign of you. Panic sets in as he realizes you're nowhere to be seen.
i have no words.
TAGLIST <3
@lavender-hvze @xbarrjallenx @atinymonbebestay @1l-ynn @chilichopsticks @dr-fluff-meow @lost-resonance @maya-maya-56 @ichorstainedskin @luciiferslover @madaqueue @vanitywoo @hazedganyu
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i’m just thinking abot ur recent post about when you cry during a movie… i’m having dr. ratio brainrot rn pls help
no but so real. he’d just delve into the illogicality of the film while ur sobbing your eyes out. he just doesn’t understand why you’re so affected? 1. it’s not real 2. you can see this coming from a mile away (and it can be either: the thing is pretty obvious, or the thing isn’t that obvious and ratio is too smart for his own good).
when he sees you cry he does scoff at the fact that you’re crying at something so trivial, but tones down his comments and maybe… if he feels nice enough, subtly wraps an arm around you in attempt to console you.
this is more general film/movie hcs but;
actually at any point while you’re watching a film he starts rattling on about how the film’s production is bad, how that sound effect wasn’t actually realistic (they could’ve done better sound design), how the actors aren’t actually speaking in the film, they actually record their lines later on.
(he mentioned that once and now you can’t stop thinking about it while watching literally anything, be it a live show or not. when you’re having a mini-crisis over if someone on a live gameshow is actually speaking or saying their lines later, he rolls his eyes and reminds you of the fact that it’s live. you miss the fond smile on his face while he does. it’s nice to know that you pay attention to his comments during the film-)
he just ruins movies for you and at some point you never mention the fact that you’re gonna watch a film or invite him to the movies anymore. he gets a bit pouty over it — maybe you mention a film you recently watched and he stares at you, mildly offended that he wasn’t invited. you explain that he keeps ruining the film for you, why can’t you let imagination be imagination?
okay… so he tries his best to tone it down. only for you. he still points out the obvious, but tries to bite back his comments when the lead does a stunt that comes off a bit too… unnatural? (it’s just nice to see your amazed face… that’s all.) or a poor done joke that really should’ve been performed better (he likes the way you giggle at it, even if it isn’t a very good one).
i’m actualy suffering dr ratio brainrot so bad rn he is taking over my life he lives in my head rent free please help
[ Post in question ]
Anon, please save me because I too am having massive Ratio brainrot after reading your ask(s).
I think infodumping is one of Ratio's love-languages in general. It's difficult to grasp unless you've known him for a while but he wouldn't just go parading around information about a specific topic to just anyone. Moreover, he always puts emphasis on self-learning. So unless he detects enthusiasm and effort for learning or if he really likes someone, I can't see him speaking this much — about movies nonetheless.
But if we consider it being his unique way of showing affection, I presume it'll annoy him greatly if the reaction he gets is counterproductive and refrain from it altogether in the worst-case scenario. Complaining about bad filmmaking is Ratio's way of connecting with you throughout the ordeal, you can watch a movie with anyone but, how many will passionately criticize (and flaunt their knowledge) every scene in front of you? It requires a level of trust and sharing certain thoughts with someone else necessities you have good rapport, at least for characters like Ratio.
So when you mentioned him trying to tone down on the criticisms ultimately instead of shutting it off entirely, that just showed how much he actually cares about you, which I think is very sweet.
#having someone you can freely talk about anything with is so precious#i'd get along with ratio on this one actually i crave a partner who'll destroy poorly done movies with me in leisure#UNLESS it's that one movie that i have an inexplicable attachment to he'll be banned from speaking#dr ratio#dr ratio brainrot#dr ratio x reader#veritas ratio x reader#hsr x reader#honkai star rail x reader#veritas ratio#dr ratio fluff#hsr fluff
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PLEASE POST THE IZZY PART FOR THE NO NUT NOVEMBER
A/n: Only one more of these to make B). This was going to be much shorter but it felt weird to make one really short when the other's are longer so I just kept going and I like this ending much more than the other one and I hope you agree, Izzy lovers are honestly the best kinds of people.
Warnings: smut, oral sex(f+m receiving), fingering(f receiving), degradation, drugs, if you think I missed anything let me know otherwise enjoy :3
Intro
Izzy left the studio with not much care. So long as he wasn’t the first out no one would care, right? Besides, all he really wanted was to stir the pot as per usual, and he did it like a pro. That’s all there was to it. He went on with his business and didn’t think too much about it.
Or so he thought.
He wasn’t doing anything with anyone, staying home more often than not and if he wasn’t he was getting cracked out of his mind at parties where that’s all anyone was doing, no one was getting ready for some action.
His stash was running low so he invited some people over, hoping to fix off of them. When people started showing up and getting loaded he happened to notice someone he’d never seen before.
He asked around and someone eventually gave him something. A friend of a friend of a dealer. Izzy didn’t think too much of it, someone else just trying to get high like him, what’s there to it?
Only, he kept catching her watching him.
At some point he’d gone to the bathroom to snort something alone. He’d just started when you came in and closed the door behind you. He gave you a look. “Sorry, I’m not sharing.” He mumbled.
“I’m not into that stuff.” You responded as he snorted another line. He looked back up at you with a confused expression.
“Then why are you here?” You shrugged and looked up to the fluorescent lighting.
“I’m into other stuff.” Izzy nodded.
“Smack?” He asked, looking at your arm for any track marks. “Heroin?” You took a step closer to him. “Come on, give me a hint, at least.” He asked with a wonky smile. You chewed your cheek and dropped to your knees, looking up at him with innocent starry eyes.
When Izzy saw that he was reminded of the bet. Now, he wasn’t ready to say no to a face like that but he wasn’t ready to forfeit either. Tough decision.
“Sorry, I can’t, my friends and I have this bet-”
“What kind of bet?” You interrupted.
“To see who can last the whole month without, like, doing anything.” He chuckled to himself at how stupid it sounded in his mind.
“Would you be the first one out?” Izzy let out a heavy breath at that and shook his head. All he wanted was to stir the pot and not be the last one out, right now it was just him and Slash. Oh shit, he was in the finals! He hadn’t thought about it that way. “Then what’s the big deal?” Izzy sucked his bottom lip and stared down at you, trying to think through the haze in his mind.
You stayed on your knees, looking up at him and watching for a reaction as you lifted up his shirt. Just enough so you could see his happy trail and press your plush lips to his abdomen. That pretty much killed any thought Izzy had against this.
As you kissed him he undid his jeans and pulled them down along with his boxers, hitting you in the face with his dick. You happily took the tip into your mouth and started swirling your tongue around it while your hand came up to stroke him.
He was already leaning against the counter behind him for stability when you took more of him into your mouth, getting yourself used to him hitting the back of your throat before taking him all in your mouth, gagging slightly on his length.
Izzy’s head was thrown back in pleasure as your head bobbed up and down on him. You started touching yourself through your clothes, getting off on Izzy’s pleasure. When you started moaning around his member he couldn’t help cum, the vibrations sent him over the edge. He grabbed you by the back of the head and pulled you down on him as he shot his load down your throat, guttural groans slipping past his lips.
When he was done he let go of you and let you pull away to catch your breath. You wiped your mouth and chin of the drool that had slipped out the corners of your mouth.
Izzy tilted your head up with a finger under your chin. “Did you swallow it all?” He asked with a lazy grin. You smiled up at him and opened your mouth wide to show you had. “Good girl.”
Having lost the bet already there was no point in looking back now. He gestured for you to get up and you did, now standing in front of him. He brought his hand to your waist and guided you to the counter where he could bend you over, lifting your skirt over your ass to give him a perfect view of you.
You were wearing a thin pair of panties and fishnet stockings. Izzy admired you for a moment before gripping the fishnets and snapping the weak threads holding them together, making a bigger opening for him. He pinned your panties to the side and thrust into you, your cunt already soaked.
He waited a moment, taking in how hot you felt wrapped around him, the face he could see you making in the mirror. He started moving, watching your face for a reaction he liked and when he saw one he knew to keep hitting that spot.
Of course it had your mind running miles a minute. The way his tip kissed that perfect spot inside you that had you seeing stars over and over again. His hold on your hips was tight, sure to leave bruises for you to look back on with fond memories.
Your favourite were the soft grunts and groans you’d hear in your ear. Heavy breaths mixed with the occasional moan. He was watching you in the mirror but you were also watching him as his head rolled back, you’d catch glimpses of his eyes crossing before he shut them tight.
Izzy took a hand off your hip to turn your face towards him so he could kiss you. His tongue slipped past your lips with ease. Your moans fell onto his lips as you came hard around him, slick dripping down between your thighs. The way you clenched around him was the last straw for him and he came again inside of you, wrapping an arm around your waist to pull you impossibly closer to him.
“Fuck.” Izzy breathed, kissing you one last time before pulling away and watching his cum ooze out of you. He dropped to his knees and started lapping at your folds.
“Fuck!” You squeaked and tried to push his head away but he didn’t budge. “Izzy! Izzy, s’too much.” You whined. He responded with a harsh slap on your ass, leaving a pink mark. He continued eating you out like his life depended on it, sucking every ounce of your dignity you had as you watched yourself in the mirror. Your face contorting in pleasure, your hips bucking back to meet his face.
He pushed a skilled finger into you, making you cum with only a few pumps as he hit that same special spot every time and sent you over the edge.
“You’re such a bitch, you know that?” He mumbled as he stood up again behind you, now holding you and resting his head on your shoulder. “Sneaking into my house, getting me into the bathroom, sucking me off when I told you I couldn’t...” He had this smirk as he spoke, it was tired but carried a very needed amount of teasing.
“You could’ve stopped me if you wanted to.” You replied in an equally tired manner, leaning back on him slightly.
“I didn’t want to.” He said firmly, giving your neck a soft kiss.
#guns n roses#guns n roses fanfic#guns n roses x reader#guns n roses smut#guns n roses imagine#izzy stradlin#izzy stradlin x reader#izzy stradlin gnr#izzy stradlin smut#izzy gnr#gnr#gnr fic#gnr smut#gnr x reader#gnr fanfiction
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And I'm petrified of being alone, now |
Part Twenty-Three
Matty Healy x reader
Summary: She’s just trying to get by, really. What with being a single parent to her four year old son whilst simultaneously trying to kick start a successful career as a radio presenter. She’s got everything she’s ever wanted though, friends close by, a mum who’s merely a phone call away, and of course her baby boy. What else is there to wish for? But then, it’s not long before her relatively normal life gets upended and turned on its head, and she’s suddenly forced to deal with situations she’s never even thought to imagine.
What happens when one mention of a certain controversial singer on her show sends a flood of unexpected challenges her way?
Authors Note: Another update this week?? I'm as shocked as anyone else, but hopefully this one will make up a little for the last! It's longer and a little less, um, idk, I can't say emotional?? because that would be a lie:/ Still, there are some developments! Also, it'll make sense a lot later but the 2nd image and the use of a Ride song are used in this one!
Hope you enjoy! Also thank you for all the love on this current series, it means a whole lot and keeps me writing xx
Warnings: similar to that of the last post! so pls look back there if you'd like to know!:)
> Last update: look back here if you'd like!
Masterlist
“I said no.”
Stressed was a feeling beyond words at this point. The past couple of days all I’d had was press hounding at me, calling and texting, emailing at all hours of the fucking day. They wouldn’t let up, even after I’d stayed silent. Adi reckoned it was mostly down to Teddy’s involvement in the whole thing. I didn’t want to think much more about it, although I knew she wasn’t wrong.
“Give me a reason at least?"
I shot a scathing glare over my shoulder before turning back to the filing system I’d taken to reorganising. It was my first morning back at the studio since... yeah, well Finn had Teddy- another factor to my current load of stress- whilst Adi was off doing something or other. I hadn’t asked, fearful of putting more of a strain on her current friendship- relationship??- with Ross, so instead I’d just chosen to tidy and rearrange the entire setup we had going on here. Because that was perfectly normal. And not a fucking way to evade talking or thinking about the mess that was my life. Okay?
“I don’t need a fucking reason, I just don’t want to.” I retorted, hissing slightly when I suddenly cut my thumb on the edge of a document. I withdrew my hand quickly and raised it towards my mouth, letting my eyes slip close for a moment when I heard a footfall step closer.
“Let me see.” Jamie sighed, probably thinking I’d done something worse to my hand than just a papercut. To be fair, the cabinet was old. One of them filing types from the ninety’s that we’d gotten for a score down at some boot sale, so I wouldn't be surprised if one of us did eventually end up losing an arm.
I shook my head and pushed the cabinet drawer closed, “It’s fine, just a papercut.”
Jamie huffed an amused chuckle before settling down on the edge of the desk nearby. It was Adi’s, you could tell from the sheer amount of shit she had accumulating it.
“One thing after another with you.”
My head tilted towards him with a deadened expression, “Ha ha.”
The older man raised his hands up in a mocking surrender, showing he hadn’t meant any real harm. “Too soon?”
I kicked at the toe of the leather boots he wore in retort as I moved towards the kitchenette, aware that he was just trying to lighten my horrendous mood but not really in the right mind for it.
“You want a brew?” I asked, not bothering to give him an honest reply to that question of his. Too soon? Yes, that was all too fucking true.
“Have a coffee if there’s one going.”
I dipped my head in a slight nod, filling the kettle and setting it to boil before snagging the coffee often reserved for guests on the show from a shelf nearby.
Jamie moved to better face me on Adi’s desk as I did so, wearing that same expression he’d turned up in, all concerned and weary. It bothered me a bit, seeing as though it was all I had garnered since the press had had their field day with my life, but I could also understand why. They all just seemed to feel for the idiot stupid enough to fall into another of Matty Healy’s traps.
“Stop.”
“Stop what?” He wondered around a light chortle at my demand, hands falling to rest between his thighs.
I gestured towards his face whilst I poured a splash of milk into my mug, “Looking at me like that, like I’m gonna break or something.”
With a sigh, he pressed his lips together. “You know it’s not like that.” I rolled my eyes in return but he just bounded on, “You know it’s not, I just care is all.”
I forced out a breathless chuckle, “That why you’re here trying to get me to hear him out then?”
To be fair to him, Jamie had come right out with it when he’d first popped by, having messaged me asking after my whereabouts earlier this morning. I’d told him, having spoken to him quite a bit over the last couple days, and then found him on the doorstep.
Jamie had been good with everything. He’d let me vent, rally against one of his friends and clients, question his own motives- and hadn’t even complained one bit. But now he was here asking me to give Matty a chance, a lot like he’d done that first time around in that small cafe all those months ago.
“I know you’re angry, you have every right to be.”
“Of course I’m fucking angry!” I immediately shot back at him, the rattle of the teaspoon ringing out as I dropped it into a mug, “I wouldn’t care if it had just been me he’d gone and fucked over! But he brought Teddy into this shit, Jamie. My son! So tell me, how am I supposed to hear him out after he’s done something like that and then lied about it? For weeks, mind you.”
Jamie looked back at me, wearing that ‘this meant business’ mug of his. I slumped at the sight, pressing my knee against one of the lower cabinets to continue stirring the drinks. I didn’t care, I didn’t care, I didn’t care.
“There’s a lot you don’t know, Mouse.”
My eyes slipped closed at his words and I took a second to just breathe. Because I wasn’t angry, not really. I was hurt and humiliated, and just so fucking sad. Fed up with it all, if I was being honest. Enough so that I knew that Jamie was being truthful here- and not just because it was a fact that I hadn’t spoken to Matty since things had fallen apart, but also because I hadn’t had the heart to ask Teddy about things yet. Or if ever.
The kid was four. Four, and asking after a man every night before he fell asleep and then as soon as he opened his eyes the next morning.
He knew something was up, he was smart like that. But what was I meant to do- to say? When I was just as confused as he was.
I’d ended up leaving him with Finn today, having had no other choice in the situation because the nursery was closed for an inset day, or some shite like that, and it seemed I had no other friends than the few around me.
Could quite literally count the lot of them on one hand.
But still, Finn and I’s relationship had still been rather rocky after that whole incident with him and Matty, and hadn’t improved since. In fact, he’d been a little unbearable about everything, always one to toot his own horn whenever he was right about something. But it was always slyly and I couldn’t help but feel as though it was a constant dig, like even when he wasn’t commenting on it he was still thinking it whenever he looked at me.
Which felt so horrible to think, let alone say out loud. He was my best friend. So I’d kept my mouth shut and just dealt with it, like I did everything else in life.
“He’s messed up about it.” Jamie then spoke, his voice having startled me a tad, breaking me out of my musings. He was watching me again, only when he did it, it didn’t feel as condescending as everyone else's. Like he understood my position. And I guessed that he probably sort of did.
“I bet.” I scoffed quietly, an airy titter escaping through my nose, and then I turned to toss my teabag away.
“It’s true.” Jamie shrugged, then nodded in thanks when I pushed a coffee his way. “He’s been ‘round Ross’s ever since shit hit the fan, hasn’t left the flat. Driving the lot of us mad, but he’s torn up, Mouse.”
Tongue in cheek, I wrapped my hands around my cup and propped my hip up against the counter, staring into the still swirling liquid. “Serves him right, I guess.” I replied with a soft shrug of my own, though we both knew I didn’t quite mean it.
Jamie looked over towards one of the windows to the right, most of them were either way too long or too tiny for the space, an odd build, but this particular one gave way to the skyline lying over the remainder of the city. I often wondered what the lower levels might look out at, thinking it was probably the majority of the surrounding buildings, and couldn’t help but feel a little thankful that we’d managed to snag this unit.
When he glanced back over at me, I took a sip and let him speak.
“A lot went on, that much I know, and it’s your choice how you deal with it. But, I saw the two of you. I saw him change. Which is stupid to say, I know, but it doesn’t stop it from being true. He was different with you, he actually tried in other aspects of his life and not just with the band and the music. He looked genuinely happy.” He smiled softly at the eye roll I gave, but it didn’t appear to deter him. “Don’t get me wrong, I know you didn’t fucking cure him. Don’t work like that, does it? But you helped. You and Teddy both.”
I looked away then, back towards the window, unable to really help it, and instead allowed my eyes to trail over the clouds which powdered the dusty blue sky.
“It was different. Things were different, and I know that there was love there. There couldn’t not have been. The way he looked at you…” Jamie shook his head ever so slightly as he breathed out, unaware of just how deeply his words had cut. But then he peered over at me and I found myself already looking back, air caught somewhere in the swell of my lungs.
“Don’t.” I choked out, the grip on my mug having tightened tenfold. “Just,” I shook my head.
Jamie put his coffee down on the desk and moved to stand, hands raised to convey he wasn't a threat. “I’m not saying this to hurt you more, love. Just telling you how I saw it.”
I licked at my lower lip, casting my eyes downwards. Our silence stretched and all could be heard was the odd car horn and chirp from beyond the walls of the studio, until-
“Anyone here?”
I blinked back the tears which had started to well in my eyes and sniffed, head shooting up just in time to spot a familiar giant ducking their head under the beam of the doorway, limbs following right after.
George entered but then stopped short when he spotted his manager stood by me, and I laughed to myself at the way the pair of them seemed to eye one another, before stepping in, “Didn’t hear you ring the buzzer.”
Kind eyes darted over to find my soft smile then, welcoming him in, and so George finally moved in closer, laying the jacket he wore to rest over one of the armchairs.
“Yeah, someone was just leaving and let me in.” He answered my unasked question, shrugging as he added, “Dunno whether they recognised me or if they just let anyone up.”
“Probably the second,” Jamie piped up, seemingly having broken himself from his previous bout of surprise, “This lot ‘round here don’t give much of a shit about crap like that.”
I rolled my eyes, but was glad to have a reason to smile slightly. “Or they spotted the BFG making his way over and wanted to avoid pissing him off.”
Jamie cackled whilst George just shot me a narrow-eyed look, “Hilarious. That pot just boiled?” He asked me as he wandered over. I nodded in turn and moved to grab him a cup, only faltering when he lowered my hand with his own and shook his head. “I got it.”
I dipped my head slightly, blinking before taking a step back to let him work. He made a quick go of it, rummaging around the cupboards briefly to find what he needed and only asking for the spoon I still held for some odd reason when he was near done.
Jamie appeared to have been watching him too, a calculating glaze to his eyes, and he chose that next moment to speak up, “How you been anyway, George? Not seen much of you lately.”
Something unspoken passed between them when George glanced over at him, but I couldn’t tell what.
“Good, busy.” Was what the taller decided on, throwing Jamie a quick smile when he crossed to toss his own teabag in the bin before settling on the counter to the left of me. “You?”
It almost sounded sarcastic, not how he said it but simply because he’d asked it at all, knowing everything that had recently occurred. It must have been a right nightmare for Jamie these last few days, what with him being the band’s main man.
Jamie just laughed though, goodnaturedly, though it was apparent that he was still trying to suss out what was going on, what with George’s sudden appearance. Seeing as I’d never once mentioned him to Jamie.
See, things with George had all started after that studio session Teddy had attended, followed by my wishing him a happy birthday just before Matty had gone and done what he did best. Wrecked it all.
Teddy had become all too smitten with the drummer since he’d first been introduced to the band and their many songs and music videos. He enjoyed the guitar he’d been gifted an awful lot, often playing with it and practising, but each time any sort of song played on the tele or the radio, or even in the car, it wasn’t hard to note the way Teddy instantly mimicked George’s swift movements, pretending to drum along to whatever beat heard.
George had messaged me on Instagram later that same day, seeing as how apparently Teddy’s appearance at the studio had stuck with him, and asked after him a little. It seemed strange worded like that, but George reckoned that Teds had a real streak of a musicality about him, even as young as he was, and wanted to see if Teddy would be up for learning some more.
Which had been a Godsend, honestly, what with how the next couple of days had gone down. I’d given him my number via dm just before the storm had started and then the afternoon that had followed the plethora of articles he’d called.
He’d asked how I was at first, almost consoling me in that easy way of his, so full of little words, which had been all too refreshing in truth.
I’d had texts and calls off of practically everyone I knew, even Ronan, the utter prick. And none had managed to soothe me quite like George’s had, seeing as the man had been there too. Not quite in my position, sure, but near enough. He’d even let a little of it slip when he’d popped on over that same day, bringing a bag of takeaway and a roll up drum mat as a gift for Teddy, who had been cooped up with me on the sofa for most of the afternoon.
The two of them had bonded over it rather quickly, Teddy having been caught off guard by George’s sincerity almost as much as I had been. But then I'd found myself getting to know the drummer too and very much appreciating the unnecessary gesture he’d made for me, even with the pair of us not knowing one another as well as we could have.
I had no idea what was going on between him and Matty, I hadn’t had the balls to ask, but he’d mentioned he hadn’t heard much of anything from him since the night of his party, as well as the fact that his girlfriend, Charli, had been just as annoyed with everything that had gone down.
I knew he’d be stopping by at some point today, we’d made plans to get lunch once he’d heard I was back at the studio on my own, but not recording. I reckoned he was concerned and this was his way of showing it, but it was hard to tell with him most of the time seeing as he’d made it out as though I was doing him a favour here. An effort I came to find I much appreciated.
“Work, you know how it is.” Jamie replied after a long pause. He was still standing in the same position he’d been in since George arrived, but seemed to move then, picking up what was left of his coffee and pouring what remained down the sink. “But I’d best be going, got a couple calls to make. You gonna be at the studio tomorrow?”
George hummed around his next sip, pulling away with only a dip of his chin. “Should be.”
Jamie smiled, nodding, “Good, I’ll let the rest of them know then.”
I caught George’s slight wince at that, though he didn’t protest his manager's comment. It made me wonder.
Jamie turned to me then, shucking on his jacket. I perked up, not having realised that he really was rushing to leave now. “Remember what I said, alright?”
I blinked, but then nodded. How could I forget? I wanted to ask, but instead said, “You don’t have to head out so quick.”
He sent me a reassuring grin as he flipped over the collar of his coat. “You won’t miss me much,” He then teased before roping me into a hug, “Weren’t lying when I said I had a couple calls though, so it’s best I get out of your hair whilst I still can.”
I smiled softly at the sound of his lighthearted chuckle and nodded before following him over to the door, “Stay safe.”
Jamie rolled his eyes, all too used to my typical parting now, though amused by it all the same. “Can’t promise anything.” He retorted with a smirk, shuffling over the threshold whilst his eyes flickered back to where George still stood once more. “So, about before?”
I inhaled shakily, though Jamie didn’t seem to notice, fingering the pockets of his jacket in search of his mobile. “I’ll think about it.” I told him.
He flashed me a grin at that, pleased, then let his heel trail over to meet the top step of the metal grating. “Talk to you later then.”
I nodded and watched for a second as he descended the staircase, head bobbing down the first set before he turned and disappeared from view. Sliding back inside, I shut the door quietly behind me, taking a second to steel my nerves before facing the room again.
During that time, George had seemingly gone and made himself comfy on the settee, his mug settled on a coffee table coaster. I moved to join him after putting both mine and Jamie’s cups under the tap to rinse before just leaving them to soak.
George was fiddling with something when I sat down beside him but shuffled over a tad to allow me to get more comfortable, “So what was that about?” I questioned.
“With Jamie?” He asked and I nodded, even though I reckoned he already knew what I was on about.
He shrugged slightly and I noted the way his finger trailed over a slip of folded paper, it was creased as though it had been played or fiddled with a dozen times too many. My brow seemed to furrow at the sight of it.
“He tried phoning a few times but I’ve not been too keen on answering, learnt that I’ll just get dragged into the drama if I do.” George finally answered, and for some reason I felt a wad of guilt pool in my stomach upon hearing it, even though I hadn’t been the one to cause this mess.
Or maybe I was just kidding myself.
“Sorry.”
George huffed as he turned to peer over at me, elbows resting on the tops of his knees. “Nothing to be sorry for.” He told me and then gifted me a sweet smile, “None of this is on you. Just thought we were in the clear, you know?” He looked away at that and his smile dimmed into something smaller, almost sadder. “Figured I wouldn’t have to go dodging my mates calls anymore, or be roped into cleaning up everyone else’s messes.”
He reached a hand out to settle on my knee then, probably having noticed the way I was chewing on the insides of my cheek, or maybe the fact that my lip was now trembling. I’d never felt so shitty. So at fault for something I hadn’t really seen coming, nor could I prevent.
“Not your fault, remember?” He reiterated to me, squeezing my joint softly before pulling away. I sniffed before looking up at him with a tiny smile.
“Promise I don’t usually cry this much. Just been a shitty week is all.” I told him, laughing pitifully as I toyed with the hem of the jumper I’d put on earlier that morning when I’d purposefully avoided the hoodie that had been left on my desk chair, as well as the cupboard full of clothes that didn’t belong to me.
I felt the settee dip slightly before I found him sitting right beside me, lifting an arm to wrap me up in a hug. His cheek came to rest on the side of my head and I felt my heart break that little bit more, because it reminded me that in a second, or two, I wouldn’t have that sense of protection he now offered, shielding me from the rest of the world.
“You’ve been put through the wringer.” George murmured and I had to laugh just a little bit, he laughed too, the sound of it reverberating through his chest to where my head rested. “Fucking cry if you want to, alright? No judgement here."
I spluttered a little on my next chuckle, smiling as I wiped at my eyes. George’s arm just tightened its hold by a fraction, as though he knew it would make things that little bit easier. We both sat there like that for a while, and I appreciated the fact that he was okay with a bit of quiet. That he didn’t run scared from it or try to start up an awkward conversation simply to fill it.
Silence was something I’d come to realise that George often favoured. Because sometimes that was all you really needed.
I don’t know how long we continued like that before he shuffled and pulled that same piece of paper from earlier back into view, holding the corner of it between his forefinger and thumb. I pulled away slightly, looking down at it and then back up at him with a small frown.
“What?”
George merely blinked, staring down at the paper with an odd look before he finally placed it in the hand I had resting on my thigh. My frown only deepened.
“What is it?” I asked him, finger trailing over an edge just as he had done when I’d first spotted it. When I went to unfold it from the opposing corner, he stopped me.
Confused, I turned to raise a brow at him, only to find him already looking back at me. He bit into his lower lip and then flattened his mouth into a stern line, “I found that when I was last in the studio.”
My chest tightened for some reason, but I was still so baffled. “Okay?”
We were sitting up better now, George’s arm having slipped from my shoulders to come to rest in his lap, fingers trailing over his left hand’s rigid set of knuckles.
“I figured you should see it.” He added in his usual drawl, though his eyes flickered up from the paper to catch mine then and I realised it must've been important. He seemed wary enough to warrant it.
I went to unfold it once again, but then his hand really reached out to stop my own, “I don’t know if I should be here when you do.”
That alone made me even more curious, although there was an edge of caution that now warred at me. “Why?”
George gifted me a gentle smile, the hand that still laid over top of my own squeezing kindly. “I’ll go grab us some food, alright? If you want to open it then do, if not. I won’t mention it again.”
He moved to stand then but my hand shot out to grab at the sleeve of his arm, “George.” But I didn’t know what else to say, I knew I was fearful though.
His fingers moved to meet mine, resting there for a short moment, “It’s your choice. Just, I couldn’t keep it from you.”
I swallowed thickly as he pushed to his feet, the scuff off his heavy boots bouncing off the hardwood floors. Slowly he moved to grab his jacket, giving me time to say no, to deny his offer. But I couldn’t, I couldn’t do much of anything really.
The door shut behind him with a soft click a minute later and the quiet of the studio suddenly consumed me. When I glanced back down at the paper I held once more I saw the slight tremble of my hands. I forced myself to exhale, but even that was shaky.
I was careful as I unfolded it, listening to the rustle it made before scrawled lines that had bled through to the other side caught my attention. Pausing, I took a moment to just look at them and then thoughtlessly hurried to reveal the rest of it, taking in its full form. My throat tightened at the sight of familiar scribbles.
You had me from the start
Pulling all the stops out
On the down low, secretly
But I think you knew your psychology
Was working on me
Infatuated
And doing this all wrong
You've got
My number and my name
And you've got me going
Yeah, you've got me going
Can I see you every day?
Do you love me
Like I love you?
Ah, you've got me going
Yeah, you've got me going
(Song: Ride - Future Love)
It was as if something in me had shifted and then turned, sparking itself its very own flame on a bone too sharp and growing and growing until its singed edges burnt and blackened every part of me.
I must've sat there staring down at it for ages. Crying silently and alone in an empty room, something I’d been avoiding doing since this had all started. Though I supposed it had been inevitable.
His words. His thoughts. Bared to me on a single page. Him none the wiser to any of it. Probably having not even realised it was gone, or missing. And George had read it. He’d seen it and still, after everything, had given them to me.
A tear dropped from my chin then, blotting the page and I could only watch on as the dark ink appeared to cling to it, seeping further and further into the paper. Smudging the ‘Do you love me’ enough so that my breath stuttered and I was suddenly moving all too quickly for my mind to catch up with my thoughtless actions.
Not even a second later my phone was in my hand.
Messages now
To: Jamie O (glasses!)
When can he meet me?
–
Matty had always had a thing for Sundays.
There was just something about them. Not all that Godly shite that people preached about it being holy and the first day of the week, ‘cause to him Monday would always hold that title- and Monday’s fucking sucked dick.
No, it was because there was just something peaceful that settled on Sundays, it took him back to simpler times, of days when he’d just been a kid and roast dinners were spent ‘round his nana’s house. Or when Newcastle would play on afternoons and his dad would finally be home to watch with him.
There was just something about them, you know. He didn’t much believe in luck, typically only the bad sort. But if someone held a gun to his head and told him he had to claim a day which would forever work in his favour, it would just have to be Sunday.
Still, he was unsure on where he currently stood with that sentiment as of late. Seeing as how he was currently in the backseat of a cab, jittery hands clinging onto shaking knees whilst rows of houses, broken up by hues of green and blue, rolled on past him.
It hadn’t been a last minute thing, but it felt much like it. The anticipation was getting to him, he knew that much, sweat licking at the back of his neck whilst his shoulders worked their way up to the lobes of his ears.
Jamie had somehow managed it.
Called him up late last night just before Ross had headed off to bed to tell him that she would finally see him. Jamie’d asked if he’d be alright going alone or if they’d prefer a buffer there, but Matty had immediately declined. So he was doing it alone. Though he couldn’t help but wonder if that had been a misstep on his part, if it would have made things easier on her having someone there, or maybe just given him some semblance of relief as the car slowly drove its way over to her house. The very place he hadn’t stepped foot in since the night of George’s birthday party.
But he hadn’t earnt that reassurance. Felt wrong to bring somebody else along either way. So he was stuck, toying with his phone, hoping or praying that a text wouldn’t come through saying that she’d gone and changed her mind.
It had been just under a week since he’d last seen her. But it felt as though time had dragged out slowly, mocking him or maybe even torturing him for all of his many wrongdoings.
He fretted over what she might say when she caught sight of him, he himself having only spotted the state he’d worked himself into when he’d been getting ready that morning.
There were heavy bags set beneath his eyes from where he hadn’t really slept and his cheeks were hollowed in that way that they used to revert to when he’d have a particularly hard weekend way back when. If the papers caught wind of him he already knew what the first articles would say, what they would so obviously claim. But he knew the truth, just hoped that she would know it too.
He was startled from his mind at the jerk of the car pulling up onto the nearest curb. His eyes widened in sudden alarm when he realised just what that meant and then caught the look of dismay that crossed the driver’s face when the bloke looked back to announce that they’d arrived. If the man didn’t already think he was on something, then now he definitely did.
Matty swallowed stupidly and then tried for a smile, struggling to undo his seatbelt with the kickstart of shaking that overtook his hands. The driver took pity on him though, turning away to fiddle with something up front that probably didn’t need fiddling with, and finally Matty’s thumb managed to catch the button.
Releasing himself from the confines of the car, he paused just before the door could slam close behind him, handing the man a couple notes in tip, if only to apologise for his edgy behaviour or buy himself a little more time if the driver had somehow managed to suss him out even with his hat, hood and scarf. “Cheers.” He said.
The man blinked at the onslaught of cash and then nodded repeatedly, “Yes, thank you.”
Matty exhaled shakily and then dipped his chin in another goodbye, stepping back onto the curb and watching the cab pull away before he found himself alone once more.
This was it, he supposed.
The street hadn’t changed much in a matter of days but his mind made it seem as though it had. As though suddenly he didn’t belong. The odd man out.
He shoved his hands into the confines of his pockets, pivoting on his heel to face what he’d come here to do. But nothing had prepared him for the way his stomach suddenly bottomed out at the sight of her front door.
The sound of a car horn a way away spooked him, causing him to jump, but did eventually force him forward off the curb and onto the cracked pavement. He stared down at all the dips and curves they had to offer him the entire way up the path until finally, he reached her front steps.
If anyone asked, Matty would tell them it was as though he’d been working on autopilot when he pried the silver knocker up from the wood and let it rap twice. Though that would be an utter lie. His head screamed at him the whole while and his fingers blurred before him when he’d raised them up to grasp at the chilled metal.
He’d never felt so sick, just standing there, the seconds slowly trickling into minutes, or perhaps even hours. It honestly felt as the day was slowly growing colder the longer that he stood there, staring at a coat of familiar paint, before finally hinges creaked and the door opened, revealing a sight that would’ve surely cured sore eyes, if only it hadn’t gone and broken his heart first.
It wasn’t immediate, the effect the past couple days had had on her. It was more in the way she held herself, the sadness which clung to her every fibre, the way she wouldn’t quite look him in the eye.
She stared, caught in a standstill, and for a long moment did nothing before silently and slowly she withdrew enough to allow him through.
Matty didn’t dare utter a word, let alone breathe. Careful to avoid brushing against her or stepping on her toes as he slowly crossed over the threshold to get in, though the hands he’d hidden in his coat pockets curled into fists to keep himself steady.
The first thing he noted upon first entering was the significant state of the flat, it wasn’t messy or untidy by any means, but looked nothing at all like a house typically inhabited by a child should, or at least a monster as chaotic as he knew Teddy to be. It was almost as though Mouse had been expecting a letting agent to pass through with a couple dozen couples, what with how clean it was. He almost reckoned that if he were to crouch down right there he’d probably be able to make out the seam of his jeans in the reflection of the floors.
“You can just hang your-”
“I know.” Matty whispered, not intentionally meaning to cut her off but unable to help himself anyway.
It hurt, feeling as though he was just a guest in a place he had practically considered home not too long ago. He coughed lightly and shrugged off his coat to do so anyway, hanging it up where he usually did, something which made him pause for a split second, wondering whether this could possibly be the last time he’d have the privilege of doing so.
“Right.” Mouse murmured somewhere behind him, snapping Matty out of his thoughts. She stepped on by him just after, eyes trained on the end of the hallway until they reached the living room, “Erm, I’m just starting on a brew. You can wait here if you want.”
He wanted to follow after her, to fall down onto his knees and fucking sob there at her feet, but he was scared he’d dirty her floors or more than likely end up looking like a total knob. He would. Fucking felt like one just from thinking it. So he did as instructed, moving towards the sofa, taking note of everything and anything the room had to offer him.
Matty’s eyes flickered over to the kitchen doorway when he realised she’d stopped there, fiddling with her nails before she caught him looking and dropped her hands. “Just realised I didn’t ask if you wanted anything.”
God, it was so fucking strained.
He took a short breath in and attempted to smile, “Tea sounds good.” Was all that he said, and watched on as her brow wrinkled, head tilting with it.
“Uh, I still have that coffee you like. The one you brought over, if you’d prefer.” She told him and he recognised her confusion for what it was, or maybe it was just her weariness over letting him know that his stuff was still where he’d left it. Or, maybe, just fucking maybe he was reading way too much into everything.
“Tea’s good.” Matty murmured, feeling a little less tense now that he knew that she was sort of sitting in the same boat. “But thanks.”
Her chest rose and fell with her next breath and he watched her nod with difficulty at him, still not meeting his eye. “Right, just be a sec then.”
She disappeared past the door with that, whilst he simply stood and listened to the run of the tap and then the flick of the kettle, feeling stupid for having missed something he hadn’t even realised he’d taken note of before.
But that was just typical, wasn’t it? To miss something so mundane now that it was no longer expected.
Once he heard the clink of mugs Matty allowed his gaze to roam, trailing over the bundle of neatly folded throws settled on the wicker basket by the sofa, ones he knew that if Teddy was here would still be scattered all over the floor before the tv.
There were a couple of coasters laid out on the coffee table, though the fruit bowl had since been removed, something he knew Mouse did whenever there were only a few pieces left or none at all. There would probably be grapes or something of the sort in the fridge though.
She had a couple of receipts left out on the shelf below the mirror she’d hung up on the wall when she’d first moved in, and the picture frames beside them were still the same. Only one was missing, and he knew which.
He noticed that the candles over by the lamp were new though, expensive if he remembered rightly because he was sure that he’d spotted them round someone else’s place recently. He wondered briefly over who could’ve gifted them to her, knowing that she much preferred her usual scents, only ever splurging on the larger Yankee Candle jars they had to offer in the local Debenhams.
He found himself smiling at the thought.
It was then that she shuffled back into the room though, stalling his observations. She carried two mugs in her hand and a small plate loaded with biscuits on her forearm. Immediately Matty moved to help her, taking the plate from her even with knowing that she had it handled.
“I could’ve managed.” She murmured, though not unkindly, and then thanked him quietly once she’d gone and placed the mugs down.
Matty followed her lead, settling the biscuits near the edge of the coffee table, between the two coasters, before fumbling for a second over where to sit. Squeaks seemed to take to one end of the settee so Matty perched on the other, though closer to the middle crease than the arm.
“You got hobnobs?” Matty finally asked, breaking the silence again, eyes flicking over to the plate he’d just held before shooting back over to find her.
She blushed faintly at his comment, then shrugged. “You like them, don’t you?”
Matty scoffed lightly, a soft smile limning his lips, “Yeah, but you hate them. Once claimed that they were like digestives only after being shat out.”
She wrinkled her nose at that, though Matty was quite sure he could spot the mirth that flickered across her face. “Want them or not?”
Rolling his eyes in fond exasperation and knowing not to push it, he picked one up and settled in a little more comfortably into the sofa cushions.
The silence would’ve been almost unbearable if she hadn’t had the foresight to have turned the tv on low before he’d arrived. So whilst a documentary played on one of the many BBC channels, Matty struggled with himself to find the best thing to say. Though he needn’t have bothered, she was always one step ahead.
“So, I think I should start by saying that I um, I know I held a lot of expectations.”
Almost simultaneously, Matty frowned.
She just wrung her hands together once before thinking better of it and laying them flat in her lap. Matty merely wished to reach out and take them in his own. “And I get that it must’ve been a struggle for you, to basically go from like one end of a scale and then jump right off the other side. But, I-”
“What are you on about?” Matty interrupted, unable to help himself in truth, so beyond baffled by the sudden speech she’d started. She stopped and blinked over at him, finally looking him in the eye. At last.
“What do you mean?” She retorted with a pinch between her brows, “Listen, I planned this all out, alright? So can I just get out what I want to say?”
Matty stared, then forced out a breath of air. “Squeaks,” She shuttered at the name, closing off slightly, enough so that Matty took quick note and wished he hadn’t said a thing, but yet, he still carried on. Desperate to save any blundered attempt he’d make. “Look, this weren’t on you. None of it was, okay?”
Her eyes trailed back over towards him at that, though her expression was almost unreadable. Matty struggled with that bit the most, he’d always been able to read her for the most part.
“So, this crap about expectations and me struggling with whatever idea you’ve made up in your mind is stupid.” Her eyes narrowed then and he watched her work her jaw, obviously none too happy about his retort. He withheld a heavy sigh, “I’m not- Look, I’m not trying to be difficult I’m just saying that- What I’m trying to say is, that every relationship has goals or expectations, that’s normal. But nothing you ever did forced me do what I did. That shit? It was all on me. It was me being insecure and scared, yeah? So, don’t go trying to excuse it. Because I’ve had people do that for me for far too fucking long now and hearing it come from you...”
He sort of felt himself slump at that, a little bitter and resentful over the fact that she’d since come to think of it that way. As though his mistakes were all just down to her and her inability to do right by him. He realised though, belatedly, that if anyone else had done exactly that, or even attempted to, in any other scenario he just might have taken up the offer and ran with it. But this was her, this was Squeaks.
She was quiet for a time, then she picked up her mug, eyes trained on the movement of it before, “What then?”
“What?” Matty frowned once more, shuffling forward in his seat in an attempt to catch her eye again.
“Why did you do it then? Why’d you lie, why didn’t you tell me about Teddy?”
That knot he’d been feeling for weeks now. The one at the very end of his tongue, all tied and tangled in the back of his throat, suddenly shrivelled up and slackened, leaving a bitter aftertaste and a plethora of guilt behind.
Matty’s gaze wandered over to the window, to where Teddy’s guitar sat in its stand just before a heavy set of grey curtains. He withheld the urge to pick at his nails as he searched for the right words to give her, wanting so honestly to tell her the truth, to give her a play by play of what had happened in detail, as well as every thought that had gone through his mind.
“It wasn’t what it looked like for a start.”
Mouse scoffed a little at that, and Matty couldn’t be mad at it. If he was sat on the other end of this he’d been doing more than just that, he’d be up in arms, tossing shit about and raving to all who would listen.
Still, his eyes trailed down to where his hands now laid in his lap and he pressed his thumb to his palm. “We were on the highstreet, on the way back here.” He started, voice quiet as his stare tracked the faint lines of his hand, “The guy you saw in the pictures came out of nowhere really. Me and Teds had just been at that ice cream shop a way down, I didn’t even spot him until he was there, in my face.”
Matty wet his lower lip, mouth suddenly going dry. Mouse just waited.
“Teddy was quick to hide behind me, you know? The loudmouth didn’t even really notice him until the last minute. But you have to know, all I wanted was to get him out of there. To avoid staying too long and attracting the wrong sort of attention. Okay? So I’d said I had to get going as soon as he'd spoken, told him I didn’t have time to stay and chat.”
He took a quick breath with that, eyes still centred on the deepest groove of his palm. “But then he, then he brought up Luke. Said something about the funeral he didn't go to and wanting to celebrate his life.” Out of the corner of his eye he saw Squeaks’s hands still from their previous bout of fidgeting. “But I told him I was clean. He didn’t believe me at first, which,” Matty huffed out a self-deprecating laugh, “Well, I can’t blame him for that, what with my track record.”
He heard her inhale then and looked up, it seemed as though she was going to say something but thought better. So Matty bit down on the insides of his cheeks to keep from asking before he exhaled slowly, digging a nail into that groove.
“He got a bit aggy, started calling me a toff and whatnot, because I 'spose I was just a rich boy who bought him a couple grams of coke every now and then.” He clucked his tongue thinking about it, but eventually shrugged. “Then I don’t know, he must’ve looked down or something ‘cause that’s when he,” Matty paused and his gaze shot over to her, then away again, “That’s when he spotted Teddy.”
Mouse wrinkled her mouth, then tried to nod, obviously wanting him to continue. Though she kept her eyes trained on the rim of her mug.
“That’s when he said some shit and I reacted.”
“Said what?”
Matty startled a little at the sound of her question but was hasty in his attempt to answer. “Just, he reckoned that Teddy was mine and that I had to have knocked someone up. So now they were just using me for the money.”
Her eyes slipped closed and her fingers tightened their grip on her cup.
Swallowing thickly, Matty went to continue, “I shoved him and told him to do one- that’s what they caught in those photos. I didn't take anything he offered, I didn't even look back after. Just walked away, thinking of Teddy, trying to get him out of there. The bloke, he kept on shouting, saying some crap about this and that. But I carried on walking.”
Matty was proud of that fact, even with everything that had happened since. Not too long ago, a different version of him would have handled it all too severely. It was a step, a tiny one, sure, but it was progress.
“Then what?” Mouse voiced, prompting him along with just a look.
“Then we walked home.” Matty replied, feeling that familiar cloud of shame dawn over him. “We didn’t really speak, I- I was a bit of a mess, trying to figure out what to do next, what to tell Teddy, to say to make it right again. But Teds, he,” Matty hauled in his next breath, all too fucking close to bawling, that he could admit. “He called for me and I looked down at him. All I could say was sorry, Mouse.”
She nodded tightly, the knuckles she had wrapped around her tea cup had whitened.
“He,” Matty felt the corners of his mouth lift as he remembered the bittersweet memory of Teddy trying to soothe him, “He told me it was alright, that we were okay, but I just kept on saying sorry. He said that the bloke was just a bad man, and I assured him of that. Wanting him to know that we were okay, that the guy was long gone. But then he-”
Matty stopped altogether then, a picture of Teddy's little face coming to the forefront of his mind, and Squeaks immediately took note.
“Then what?”
Her eyes were so full of emotion, but which ones he wasn’t too sure. Still, the sight tightened every muscle in his chest as he forced himself to finish what he’d started. “He said we couldn’t tell you.”
Matty knew he couldn’t have imagined the sharp inhale that sounded from her then, as though she'd just received a blow to the chest. And he so desperately wanted to reach out, to wrap her up and just fucking hold her. But he couldn't. It wasn't his place.
He watched on as she licked at her top lip though, blinking back the wetness that shone in her eyes, “Why?” Her voice cracked on the question but she did not cry.
It was a simple answer. “He didn’t want to hurt you.”
Mouse stood then, placing the cup down with some force before she hastily made her way over to the front window. Matty stayed seated, unsure if he’d be welcome near her.
“It fucking broke me, Squeaks.” He admitted after a moment, his lips now tingled with the sheer amount of effort it took for him to not let his emotions get the better of him. “I didn’t know what to do.”
“You should have told me.” Was her reply, sharp and cutting, enough that it fucking wounded. Because Matty knew that she was right.
“I know.” He answered.
“You should have fucking told me, Matty!” She repeated, turning then to face him. He saw the tremble of her shoulders, the curve of her mouth and how it quaked. He stared, couldn't bring himself to look away.
“I know.”
He swallowed, throat almost aching as much as the hole that made up the majority of his chest.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
“I don't know.” He murmured, mostly to himself.
#the 1975#fic#matty healy#angst#radio host#reader#x reader#x you#george daniel#ross macdonald#the 1975 band#adam hann#fluff#humour#smut#matty healy fic#matty 1975#matty healy x reader#matty x reader#matty healy x you#ao3#fame#strangers to lovers#mum reader#kid fic#getting together#SLOWBURN#mutual pining#Warnings#aipoban
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SBG GANG MENTAL ANALYSIS
sorry for the delay!
alright, gotta say... this one's a bit shorter. but the next will come like a train wreck i promise😇
Part 3: Ben Clark
oh the sweet old Ben... a kind and loving soul muted away. I'm thinking of inspecting his trauma and his general actions, and give him a diagnosis which I'm sure is canon even. I'm sure everyone who knows the disorder itself is aware that Ben is, in fact, suffering from PTSD.
let's start. first, what is PTSD?
PTSD, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, is a mental condition where someone feels what they have previously went through in a past traumatic experience. PTSD is frequently found with flashbacks to the moment, overwhelming feelings and sudden responses. there are two types of this disorder, PTSD and C-PTSD. but we'll look in the first one for now.
Ben has always been a really kind character. ever since the beginning. more of a 'gentle giant' type of character, though we never see him talk. he's soft, he loves to help his friends and never does anything vulgar around them, including the phantom dimension. he feels nice when he gets praised even if he doesn't show it too.
the first time we see him getting flashbacks and his anger issues being visible is when we first see Barron's behaviour towards Logan. anything that includes actual bullying gives him flashbacks and his response is his anger issues unleashing.
in his backstory, Ben is shown that he's more of a shy type of person, but he loves singing. because his tall and intimidating appereance doesn't match his softness, a group of dumbasses try to 'fix' him which he rejects. back when Shane strangled him, is what he gets flashbacks to. it was something that changed his entire life, he had a passion for singing but he never did with his damaged voice. god knows how many times he was hospitalized when he was going around to fights because of his outburst of rage.
yep, rage. I'd classify his anger issues as the 'rage' type with PTSD. PTSD rage makes more sense to me than just normal anger problems. I've seen and lived with many people with anger issues, but none of them are similar to rage. anger problems in general are usually verbal, if you don't make them mad to a point they're all bark and no bite. but of course after a point the violence behind the generic anger issues can unleash (see Tyler)
okay, back to Ben and rage. rage is an extreme condition of anger, the person gets violent and their thoughts are clouded with the rage which makes them not think before doing anything drastic. but he's not very closed off about it either, actually. the time where he accepted Aiden to do the storytelling was before the first half of season one, the gang wasn't even that close.
this means that he saw them as actual friends so early on. probably before everyone. Ashlyn took her sweet time accepting the friendship, I'm kind of sure that Aiden didn't at first (see Tyler, yet again), Tyler also definitely didn't (as said by Taylor in season two premiere) and I think Logan has attachment/trust issues but that's for later. the only other possible person that might accept the group fastly is Taylor but with Tyler's influence so close to her, there is also a chance she didn't at first.
Ben was fine with his friends knowing his past. he put his earphones on because he didn't want to hear about it, or else he knew he'd get flashbacks yet again. I'm thinking that it could be diagnosed too. Aiden knows that it's not just a memory, it's flashbacks to Ben and he covers for him whenever he sees something that might trigger Ben. after learning the situation, Taylor also does the same. they learn the severity of his problems and are all fine with helping him.
another thing I'm sure of is that he's extremely attached to his friends. we know that everyone is close-knit, but Ben specifically. he might not speak but that doesn't mean that he doesn't enjoy their time. he does, fully. which is I think why he/his room was... like that in the facility, without any spoilers.
to say, the gang is more than just friends to him; they're his found family, where he feels like he belongs. they don't judge him for his silence there. they understand his past. they're not scared of him just because of the way he was built and they're not going to be either.
but what about his family?
families are one of the most important part of a character and their backstory. the family is what decides how they will live, act and even feel sometimes. then what about Ben's? where were they during his backstory?
yeah. Ben's rage causes something terrible to happen.
but it ends better for everyone. Ben gets the therapy he needed, starts to live with Aiden, makes the gang his friends and it actually goes well.
his parents?
we meet Naomi and William during Lily's birthday.
yes, Mike, Lily is goshdarn adorable.
first, I think Naomi and William aren't to blame. I think they did the best they could; they tried to help Ben, tried to help him get therapy, sent him to Aiden's place to help himself. then why didn't Ben's story stop?
Ben couldn't control his rage until their house got destroyed and he realized just how far it got. he sneaked out of the house, a lot of people seem to not see that detail. and they seem to be very caring, too.
they're amazing as a whole family, to be honest. even the little Lily doesn't care about her birthday getting wrecked, because she wants to help Ben and his friends. she indirectly helped Tyler extremely well, since the sedative idea came from her in the first place.
Naomi was the first person who brought up the whole 'we-are-seeing-phantoms' discussion and William didn't hesitate to talk about it. Naomi was also the first person to notice the phantoms when the worlds collided for a mere second.
and Ben himself has shown completely zero negative behaviour towards them. and Lily gets treated like a princess -even if she accidentally neutered Ben-
side note here, that Lily also really loves the family too. the way she cuddled Aiden when he died and came back was so cute to be honest.
so I don't think the family is anywhere to blame either. it was Ben who was strangled, Ben who fought, and Ben who saw therapy. the reason why I'm talking about this is because a lot of people suddenly blame a character's family when there's a problem with them.
guys. people with caring, loving families can be traumatized too. just because someone has a happy family doesn't mean they're suddenly over any trauma they live. doesn't mean everything is suddenly okay. it means that they have an accepting place to go to, a safe space. and Ben's family? I think they're just like that. they desperately try to help. help their son, their nephew and their friends. hell, Lily trying to help also speaks volumes in my opinion. their father -dilf no.2 after Mike right here- William was the one who offered the idea to get the kids saved from the centipede phantom. and to be honest? it was pretty smart.
she also tried to prevent Emma from going mad because come on, Emma would absolutely wreck anyone if they dared blame Ashlyn for this. (still I think Jessica has to apologize for being to insensitive smh)
Naomi really seems like a sweetheart to me, I already said what to be said about William in a single very important side sentence and if there was any kind of in-family neglect Lily would also be affected. but she isn't so I think we're good? I adore the whole Ben family tho.
to wrap it all up.
Ben is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which makes him see flashbacks and turn into a rage mode each time he is triggered due to his backstory, being bullied because he's too soft. his rage causes a gang to destroy his home (HELLO?? ARE THERE NO FUNCTIONING COPS IN THIS STOR-- oh wait it's america yea there ain't nvm) and his parents try their best. move, get Ben to therapy and let Daniel's side help him by doing stuff he loves. Ben is still trying to recover, but his flashbacks are strong due to impacting his entire life from his voice and make it difficult.
(vocal chords repair by time actually, but he hasn't been speaking for like 4 years so maybe it'd need some voice exercises until it returns to normal?? if it's just vocal chords he'd be alright. imagine if he could talk and sing normally all this time but he just didn't know. it's something between "aww poor guy :((" and "lmao"
but I don't know about voice box, can someone enlighten me on vocal chord damage vs. voice box damage? thamks)
and Lily. Lily is a cinnamon roll. no other opinions allowed.
-i wanted to make a part for Ben and Taylor but i decided wasn't fit here :P-
#sbgblr#sbg (webtoon)#school bus graveyard#school bus graveyard webtoon#schoolbus graveyard#sbg#sbg ben#ben clark
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And I Feel Fine (.i)
Joel Miller x Jackson!Reader
18+, mdni
Summary: Random selection on weekly patrol is a completely normal occurrence. A coincidental raid on the Jackson dam generator by Tommy’s older brother (and a little stranger) is absolutely not.
Warnings: there's a lot to unpack here, bear with me; mentions of death, violence, gore, blood, mentions of sex abuse and trafficking. Mentions of teenage pregnancy. Mention of drugs and substances. This one literally has ✨️the works.✨️
Word Count: 5.7k
Hi everyone! Thank you guys for the likes and shares and encouragement of my work before I even posted it! I appreciate you guys so much and I hope you enjoy (if that's even possible yet this is so messy for a first chapter)
The man is tall, his face looks worn and tried by the tests of time. It’s not a bad face, you reason. It’s just older, seen more things. You recognized him, though he doesn’t look the same now as the source material from which you know him. He used to wear a smile, you’re pretty sure.
“Have we… met?” He seemed confused, trying to meet your wandering stare.
Tommy stepped in, thinking he’d better introduce you both. “This is my brother, J-”
“Joel,” you nodded, turning back to Tommy for only a second. “I remember from those pictures you brought back.”
Fall leaves are on the ground, on your front porch, and practically everywhere you look this morning. Other houses wear the orange and red upon their rooftops and over their outdoor furniture. It’s your favorite season while it’s in motion, while the leaves are still falling. It’s romantic somehow, after waking up from the nightmares. The rainbow after the rain, or something like that.
In a few weeks, you know the best of it will be over, and the wind will carry the leaves to the middle of the street, into the town area, and it will be impossible to see anything else but the dead color bursts. That is when you hate fall, when its leaves need to be raked up and out of the way. By then they are crisp and dry beneath your feet, a reminiscent sound of something else that isn’t as pleasing. You will be loathing when that time rolls around, but for now you are at peace, and savoring the momentary beauty. Nothing is permanent, including your ability to sit in the warmth of your house, sipping the hot coffee you’d brewed before patrol.
You’ve only rotated twice in two weeks, which doesn’t make a damn lick of sense considering you are one of only three people that knows the western route.
Tommy’s put you on for this morning, he and Maria are to accompany you and a few others around the power plant by the dam. There’s been some noise going on the past few weeks, and with the livelihood of the commune on the line, it’s best to sort these things out, nip them in the bud.
You take your mug to the kitchen sink and give it a quick rinse, grabbing the two lonely carrots in your fridge on the way out, stuffing them in the pocket of your jacket.
By the time you’ve actually laced up your boots, and tripped on your doorway’s crooked ridge - a morning tradition, no matter how many years you’ve lived here - the sun is cresting over the mountains, the light barely shining over the homes and their leafy crowns of orange and red and yellow and brown.
It’s still only seven-thirty by the time you reach the stables. You know Maria’s probably got something to eat packed away for later, you never got too hungry in the morning anyways. Tommy un-hatches the gate for you, walking up with half a smile on his face.
“Provoker is living up to his name just now, kicked my ass right out of his stall,” he shook his head, throwing an annoyed hand behind him to spite the horse. “And here I was tryna do somethin’ nice for ya.”
You huffed a laugh, trying to seem apologetic for your stallion’s bad behavior. He always teased you, ‘your old horse wasn’t like this,’ and ‘maybe I’ll shoot him and claim self defense.’ But of course, Maria wouldn’t stand for that. Casper, or as Tommy so lovingly has taken to calling him, ‘Provoker’ was found several miles south of the commune, just a scared and hungry horse. He was strong and sturdy and learned the routes quickly. Tommy was just an ass because the horse didn’t seem to like men.
“What did you do this time?”
“Ain’t done nothing, swear it. Keith saw me, was just passin’ through,” he defended, his hands in the air.
“With you, that can be enough,” you shouldered passed him into the stables, hearing him follow on your trail.
“You callin’ me fat?”
“Absolutely.”
He rolled his eyes, grabbing his bridal from the wall and handing you yours. The horses are usually saddled early in the morning, all except for Casper. Maria does good with him, and when you get to his stall you can see she’s already prepared the tall stallion for the ride.
“Good mornin’, handsome…” you pulled a carrot from your pocket and fed it up to the horse, his grateful blow of air a signal that he was in a better mood now.
“Can’t believe you’re rewardin’ his bad behavior.”
Tommy’s voice is not upset, but vaguely annoyed over your shoulder.
“Maybe I’m rewarding his good behavior,” you say it smugly, giving him a narrowed gaze as you turn your head. “You’re higher in rank than me, if I dispose of you I get all the power.”
Maria heard you from the next stall down, snickering under her breath.
“Oh, so that was an assassination attempt, then?”
“No, you have to be someone of high importance for it to be considered an assassination,” Maria replied, leading her bronze mare from the stalls. Elsie, the horse’s name was.
You were still fixing the bit for Casper before adjusting the bridal.
“She just admitted I was higher in rank,” he argued, pulling his own horse forward now, leaving only you to catch up behind them.
“Still lower in rank to me, bud,” she teased, nudging his shoulder and smiling in his direction. He smiled back, and by witnessing it alone, you mirrored both expressions.
You’d been here since before they were even together. Almost ten years since you’d met Tommy, and eight since you’d met Maria. You saw them meet each other, saw them interact before this was ever the norm. You swore back then they hated each other’s guts, hated whatever one had to say to them. With time the hatred melted to a dull dislike, and by the time the Jackson commune was established, they seemed to have forgotten any ill feelings they ever had. It was like watching a movie over the span of four years, the personal threats and arguments turned into strange and somehow meaningful compliments or encouragements. They were married three years ago, and it was the first wedding you’d ever attended. You remember it so well because you imagined that maybe someday you’d get a shot. You would have a chance at loving someone the way Tommy adored Maria, heart and soul.
“There’s a few boys still stationed out at the generator. I reckon they kept clear any danger during the night, but we should still be vigilant.”
Tommy’s warning brought you back, allowing you to pick up time from where you left it. The three of you lined up in front of the commune’s entrance point, mounting your horses and waiting for the go ahead from the men guarding the gates. It’s been a rough season, dealing with raiders, hunters, and even on the odd occasion, children in need of shelter.
Casper took off before you even had to tell him, because he’s gone out enough times to know the drill. Maria follows closely behind, with Tommy lagging slightly. His horse, Dakota, was an old girl… probably one of the oldest in town. But she was smart, reliable, and got where she needed to be… eventually.
The ride was quiet this morning, no animals in the trail or clickers wandering the premises. It was actually nice and serene, matching the beautiful scenery of the fall ambers.
It wasn’t long before your horse’s legs slowed, trotting to the checkpoint and coming to a halt when the watchers spotted you.
You recognized one of the guys in the tower, Billy. He was a little younger than you, but closer in age than most of the company you keep. Nice guy, but not a thought behind those eyes.
“Top of the mornin to ya,” he called out, leaning over the edge of the rail with a cheesy grin.
“Morning,” you called up, dismounting Casper and leading him around the wall now. “Heard you boys had some trouble last night.”
“Nothing we couldn’t handle. How about you, princess, you sleep okay?”
You snorted, looking up to him with a bright expression.
“Like a baby.”
You tied the reins by the makeshift trough that had been half assed and reconstructed over the years, looking out over the dam where the checkpoint sat upon. Everything was running smoothly, so either they actually did dispose of last night’s threats, or they were keeping them hidden extremely well. The water flowed, the power ran.
You weren’t really paying attention to what Tommy said when he came around the corner, just hummed along to his words and hoped he didn’t notice.
You liked this checkpoint more than the rest. The water was beautiful, the nature around it even prettier of a sight. You wished you could have seen it under better circumstances, without a gun on your hip and a knife in your pocket.
You wish that in another life you could come here, lay a picnic blanket down, and just sit by the water and the trees behind it in the distance, the mountains over and above framing them like a painting. What a shame for something to lose its beauty on the technicality of implication. The men stationed at every point on the river implies it isn’t safe. The weapons in their arms imply that the dangers are not few, and the way they look to each other implies they would rather not be here, with Jackson’s commune being the only place they can really feel at home anymore.
“Hey,” Tommy’s direct call to the back of your head made it turn. “You listenin’?”
“Huh?”
He sighed heavily, rolling his eyes as he repeated his words.
“Can you go check the bridge and see about damages?”
You nodded, a small ‘yeah’ rolling off your lips when you started into that direction.
You passed by Billy going up the stairs, giving him a small smile and a nod before turning the corner. You liked him, really, you did… but you were too tired and too hungry to interact with a guy who thought a great point of conversation was mentioning the different soups of the week in the dining hall.
“Come to inspect my handy work?” Terry, an older man with a strange wit about him, had been waiting for you on the bridge when you got there.
“Yep, Tommy just wants to make sure all the bases are covered.”
You peeked around one of the smaller generators, seeing the body of a dead raider that had been dragged aside from the walkway. He was already starting to smell, the rotten odor making you scrunch your nose in disgust.
“You just left him here all night?” You asked, kicking the boot of the stiff, cold man. He had a bullet hole in his neck, and you figured, Terry was awfully proud of putting it there. The man had a good aim, one of the better shots in town.
“Didn’t know exactly where to put ‘im until the shift was over. Guess that’s your job, now,” he grinned devilishly, jabbing you in the ribs with his elbow. You tried to get him back but he just caught your arm and left it loose. “Easy now, don’t hurt your arm… gonna need it to carry him.”
You sighed, walking around to where you could get a good grip on his boots, picking them up one by one before dragging him from that corner.
“Was he the only one?”
“As far as we know, we called it in as soon as we shot him. There haven’t been any other surprises since then.”
“Good to know,” you let out, getting him around the corner and to the stairs. Billy didn’t seem to be as chatty now that you were accompanied by a dead body, but he stared the entire time you got him positioned at the staircase.
“Need some help?” he finally offered, but at this point, you had it covered.
“I’m good.”
You kicked hard enough to roll him over, letting his body topple over the stairs until he reached the bottom. Years ago, doing this may have bothered you. Disrespecting the body of someone who died in this cruel world would have turned your stomach. But again, that was years ago. Now, this body was just some jackass who tried to ambush your family of survivors, and you had to dispose of him.
“Well that looks… fun.”
His dry attempt at humor made you huff a single laugh through your nose, following down the stairs a moment later. You got back to the work of pulling the guy’s tattered boots, dragging him through the dirt and leaving a muddy trail of blood from where it seeped out his neck.
Tommy was coming around the corner with some tools, probably on his way to fix something important, but he stopped a moment to watch you and your unfortunate task.
“Gonna lend a hand?” You asked him, the pace of your backwards steps slowing when you passed him.
“No, I think you got it,” he joked, moving on with a smile the next moment. What an ass. He was like a big brother that you never had. You knew that man would kill for you, and has before, but still found every opportunity to mess with or tease you. What an ass.
Just wait till Maria hears about this, you think. Then he’ll be in for it.
You roll the body into the river once you get far enough away from the dam, making sure he won’t cause any harm to the flow or energy. Once you’re sure he’s completely out of the way and taken care of, you turn back to the checkpoint, walking over to Maria as she finished speaking with the main watchguard from last night. You figure you should blame him for your task, since he could have done it… but that’s petty, and you only have room to be petty when you know it’ll get you somewhere.
“Guess what I just did?” you asked in a mocking tone, a fake smile plastered on your face as you crossed your arms.
“Probably something to earn the sandwich I brought you,” she returned, knowing you well enough by now to recognize your sarcastic behavior.
“I dragged a body from the bridge to the river, it better be a fucking good sandw-”
“Turkey and cheese.”
“God bless you,” you folded, following her to her backpack inside.
As soon as the food was in your hands, you gave her a genuine smile, sitting down at an old abandoned desk almost immediately. The woman chuckles under her breath. She remembered too many times you’d skipped breakfast before a patrol… it was by now a part of the routine to make you something to eat when she got scheduled alongside you.
“Save some for later, we might be here a while.” She pat your shoulder, leaving without a response from your end. You were far too occupied to give her one, anyways.
The town’s butcher was a nasty man, but everyone loved him dearly, and this was why. You imagine that before the outbreak he was probably some big time deli owner, one of the best around. It’s just a fucking sandwich, you think… but it’s so damn good.
You saved about half, knowing that now you were fed, you could tie yourself over until the next meal in the hall this evening. It was Wednesday, so the menu would probably consist of soups and salads.
You get a bit caught up in wrapping your leftover food until you hear a bit of confused banter from outside. It sounds like Maria, but you can’t be sure. Whoever she’s just finished yelling at isn’t an imminent threat, you can tell that much, but you still worry. You take enough time to put the sandwich away and start to leave the warehouse, pulling the gun from its place at your hip. You don’t raise it, but having it close is better, you’ve learned. The noise outside has ceased but after a moment, the door opens.
“Maria?” You don’t even make it out of the hallway when you bump into Tommy, side by side with a stranger. He catches your eye in a familiar way. “Hey, I know you.”
The man is tall, his face looks worn and tried by the tests of time. It’s not a bad face, you reason. It’s just older, seen more things. You recognized him, though he doesn’t look the same now as the source material from which you know him. He used to wear a smile, you’re pretty sure.
“Have we… met?” He seemed confused, trying to meet your wandering stare. Tommy stepped in, thinking he’d better introduce you both.
“This is my brother, J-”
“Joel,” you nodded, turning back to Tommy for only a second. “I remember from those pictures you brought back.”
“Right,” Tommy mumbled, stepping closer to you. “He’s brought a girl with him. Maria took her to get some of those rations in the back section, but I think you still have the keys on your chain. You might wanna head over there.”
“Alright,” you started in the direction of the exit, walking backward to give Tommy a warning. “I left half a sandwich in there, don’t touch it.”
-
You stood outside of the Boston QZ, fourteen years old and scared as hell. It was hard enough to get in without being caught, but once you were inside, you’d have to remain invisible for the next month, or at least, until you could settle your predicament.
“This way,” echoed a voice in your head, the young man that accompanied you, trying to sneak you under the city tunnels. You followed him until you were in a sewer, having trouble making your way through given that your body specifications had changed over the last eight and a half months.
The man ahead of you didn’t bother to help or to make the path easier, but kept yelling for you to keep up.
“I’m trying,” you trudged on, your swollen feet making you stumble along the sludgy water. “It’s really hard.”
He huffed, his face invisible to you as you blocked it out of your mind. “You have to move faster, we can’t get caught down here.”
Your eyes formed tears at his flippant tone, impatient and completely ridiculous about how fast you were moving when you clearly could only strain yourself so much. You let a hand fall subconsciously to your swollen stomach as you climbed out of the sewer, following the man ahead at an impressive speed given your condition.
You hated him, wanted to leave him… but you knew you would die without his direction.
“Alright, coast looks clear. If we linger around here a while we can blend with the crowd as we move down.”
He didn’t pay any mind to your state, the tears streaming down your face or the pain in your back and hips. The way you waddled just to meet him around the corner, watching for people passing by.
“Once we find the contact, you know what to do.” Flat tone, flat words, unfeeling. You still couldn’t see his face, but his voice is strong. It plagues you.
“Yes…” and you turn to the dirty window beside you. Your appearance is appalling at best, scruffy and unbrushed hair pulled back in a ponytail, tear stained cheeks. Your torn jacket and ripped pants barely cling to you, now wet and sagging around you from the water in the sewer. The only thing left to stare at is your too thin body, struggling to hold the weight of what grew inside you. The face that looks you back in the eye… it’s young, too young for this. It has a dark history, and doubts about the future. It wants more than anything to be at peace, to relax and be settled… but it looks to you as is, not as it should be.
“Are you okay?” Maria asks, taking the key you were about to give her, your hand now frozen in mid air as you stare down the kid before you.
“Yeah, I’m good I just-” You can’t seem to move, breathing out shakily. You manage to lift a finger in her direction. “Who is-?”
“Ellie. She’s with Joel, they’ve been traveling together.” She finishes unlocking the storage base, shouldering the door open. When she turns back you haven’t barely moved. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“No…”
And finally you beg your muscles to move, to turn your head away. Your eyes moving from the girl’s face causes a chain reaction, and you regain full motion again. You wait for Ellie to follow Maria, make sure there’s a good chunk of distance between you, then walk into the building, your head to the ground in deep thought. That face, it’s you… no. It’s her.
“What’s wrong with her?” Ellie whispers to Maria, turning back to watch the way you struggle forward, trying everything in your power to avert your eyes from her, but she’s still there.
“I don’t know,” Maria puts her hands on her hips, genuine concern arising. “What's wrong with you?”
Give an answer. Give a realistic answer that doesn’t raise more questions. Not the truth, though.
“She just reminds me of someone, that’s all.”
The girl seems angsty given your state and how shaken you seemed. Like you saw a ghost. You still aren’t sure she isn’t one.
“A dead someone?” She asks, louder than her last words.
“No,” You shake your head. Not a lie. You’re not dead yet, and you don’t think she is. Can’t be a ghost, especially not mine. Maria wouldn’t see her. “Sorry if I’m bein’ weird, you just… how old are you?”
“Fourteen... And a half.”
Fourteen was bad enough, but the little witty ‘and a half’ gave you a very good estimate of her birthday, or at least, birth month. You gasped lightly, whatever air you could take in was coming in small doses. You suddenly can’t take a deep breath, your head running in circles and repeating dates, times, names, places. Faces, even.
“Maria, I think I’m gonna sit down a while.”
You fell against the closest table, scooting back on it until your back hit the pole it was against.
“Take your time,” She muttered, nodding and pulling Ellie along to the lockers.
She pried one open, pulling a few cans of food from the containment and giving them to her. Peaches, baked beans, chicken soup, all were pretty good options in comparison to the hunted and gathered rations she and Joel had been surviving on. She would have been far more excited had she not been focused on the woman sitting down, her eyes closed and hands raised to her head from the other side of the room.
“Does this happen to her a lot?” She couldn’t stop staring either, the fear about the woman lingering as something familiar.
“Never.”
Maria wasn’t sure what had gotten into you. She had to look through the files of her mind to try and come up with an answer to your madness. The most stoic and brave faced person she’d come across, now sitting in shambles of thought.
“Do you know who I remind her of?”
Maria shakes her head, handing Ellie a can opener and a spoon. “No.”
For a moment she thinks that maybe it could be your sister, deceased… but you said the specific someone wasn’t dead.
“Her whole family died a while ago, and I don’t know anyone back home that looks like you.”
“She’s on her own?” Ellie dug into the chicken soup can first, her hunger now distracting from the conversation.
“She’s got us, but yeah I guess so.”
All alone. No family left, all gone to cordyceps and raiders. Mother, Father, young brother, baby sister. No one made it.
“That’s sad. I hope I don’t make her upset or anything.”
Maria shook her head, sitting next to the girl. This poor kid has probably been through a lot. Knowing what she does of Joel, she thinks he can’t be a pleasant traveling companion. Ellie doesn’t need anything else to worry about, least of all a total stranger.
“No, that’s not it. I think she might just be remembering someone she forgot about. Life’s been tough on her.”
The girl nodded, spooning into the can of soup now that it had finally been opened.
-
The woman was tall, dark hair cropped higher than her shoulders, her face was stiff and unexpressive, like most people in this QZ.
“You got the pills?” She asked, her voice low as she looked around to make sure no one watched on. No Fedra officers or anything of the like.
“Yeah,” the faceless voice spoke, a hand reaching out with the pill bag. It was half full, probably more than one bottle. “Vicodin, hospital standard. You can try 'em, they’re still good.”
“Alright,” she took them, inspecting the sides of the bag. She’s done this enough times, she can tell they’re real. “I found a family that’s willing to take another baby. Had to pull some strings, but they’re open to it.”
“Where are they?” he asked, and you turned to him, the forceful tone he had made you jump a little. The woman before you noticed, and didn’t seem thrilled about it. She turned to you, slightly more compassionate than when she was scowling at the man by your side.
“How old are you, kid?”
You looked to him first, and he looked apprehensive. You needed an out, this is it. “Fourteen.”
She took a sharp inhale, turning to the man, her arms crossed. Her face was again ruthless, the glare she sent him was unrelenting.
“And how old are you?”
He didn’t answer for a moment, feeling cornered. “That’s not really your business. You got the pills, just tell us where to go.”
The woman shook her head, dropping it as a chuckle escaped her.
“I’ll take her,” she answered, eyes flitting back and forth between you. Your body language when she spoke told her you were relieved.”Without you.”
“That wasn’t part of the deal.”
And before you knew it, she pulled a gun from the back of her pants. You gasped, standing back, and the man grabbed at your arm, but you shrugged it away. This is where you get off the train, away from the way it’s been carrying you along the long and winding tracks, only making stops in the most complicated of stations.
“The deal is I find a safe place for her to have a kid, and someone to hand it off to. Those are the terms, and I intend to keep my end.”
You stepped closer to her, watching as she placed her finger on the trigger. “I didn’t agree to what I didn’t know.”
“Look, I know where to find more pills, just take us where you’re supposed to and I can get you more,” he raised his hands, trying to beg, trying to argue, but the woman didn’t budge. She knew that you’d either been forced into this companionship, or trafficked into it. She wasn’t a good person by any means, but she wasn’t going to turn a blind eye to something she wouldn’t condone herself.
“I’m about to ask her a question, and if the answer isn’t no… you’re gettin’ your head blown off, ya hear?” She turned to you, looking you up and down. She wants to be wrong, wants to find out this guy is just a nice companion that happened to be helping you out of the kindness of his heart. But she’s doubtful, call it an apocalyptic mindset. “Is that his kid?”
You chanced a look at the faceless man, feeling his eyes on you though you could not place them. He was expectant, waiting for you to lie so that he could go back to being your keeper, telling you what to do.
“Yes,” you nodded, the tears from earlier returning to your eyes and making the stains on your cheeks even darker than before.
“Just stop, I can get you more!”
The woman raised her gun more steady, her finger beginning to pull back on the trigger before you stopped her, a hand at her arm.
“Wait,” you breathed, the rapid inhales were evening out as you asked her: “Can I do it?”
“Honey, you don’t know what you’re doing, don’t do this,” he begged, the reverberation of his words like a whirring siren in your head. You remember sirens, from before the outbreak. Cops cars, ambulances, fire trucks. You remember them. They always signaled help was on the way, and that’s what this felt like.
The woman was shocked, but didn’t hesitate to hand you her gun. You’d been through hell with this asshole, and you couldn’t let someone else have the satisfaction of dealing with him. She understood your mindset well, as others in her past brought about the same feelings.
You raised the gun to him, and heard one more cry of your name pass from his lips before pulling the trigger. The tears stopped flooding your cheeks almost instantly, and you breathed out in relief. The woman didn’t wait for you to hand it back, she took the gun from you and placed it back in her pants.
“You okay?” She asked.
“I’m better…”
And then she nudged you out of the alleyway, beginning to lead you in the direction of your next steps. You weren’t out of the woods, yet.
You don’t even know what happened during the attack, just that you went into autopilot and started shooting from the first sign of intruders. It was more of those fuckin hunters. The ones who killed whole groups of people at a time in order to steal the most trivial items off their bodies. Too bad not one of them survived.
You tossed up a look and your eyes met the familiar stranger. Joel, Tommy’s long lost brother. Your head was foggy, but you’re pretty sure he just saved your ass from getting shot. Not like it was your fault, you weren’t at your best, and you probably wouldn’t be until you figured shit out.
“Are you alright?” Tommy came up beside you, his arm on your shoulder, sleeve torn where the bullet just missed.
“Physically.” You turned to see Ellie run up to Joel.
“What’s that s’posed to mean?”
You froze again, watching how she interacted with the older man, the way she was so expressive. Tommy hadn't ever seen you like this. So… affected.
“Means I’m all over the place. Not really sure what’s real right now.” You turned back to him, following him around, trying to find Maria.
“Well, maybe you should ride back with Billy, he’s about to head out. You can go home, rest.”
“No, I don’t-” You cut yourself short, trying to recouperate your words. “I don’t need rest, I need some clarity.”
“On what?” His exasperation was not due to annoyance, but rather the fact that he knew… it had something to do with his brother and Ellie.
“Where did Joel find that girl?” You crossed your arms, trying to broach the subject without just telling him yet.
“Probably back in Boston, why?”
You’ve known Tommy for ten years, since right after he left his brother. Since he’d gone off on the trail of the fireflies, a trail you’d gone down a while, too. He knew practically everything about you. Knew about your family, about the hunters you used to run with as a kid, the guy who basically kidnapped you… and yeah, he knew about the baby you gave up.
“You remember that one story I told you? From when I was younger?”
He stopped in his tracks, not turning around fully, but tossing a look over his shoulder at you. It was unsettled and confused, but not upset. He knew you had good reason to believe what you did… but still. It was a one in a million chance, right?
“C’mon… you can’t possibly think that’s her.”
“Tommy…” you knew he was trying to keep your hopes down, that he didn’t want you to over excite yourself on a whim… but what if? You’d prayed for this day, to find her again. You went back for her once and she wasn’t there, neither was the family you left her with. You hoped she was alive, but until now you were never sure… you’re still not sure but you hope, you hope.
“There could be a hundred other kids out there that look a bit like you, you know that.” The chances are a million to one… but he can’t stand to look at you, your eyes so full of something he hasn’t seen there before. Not just hope, but something else, something full of a happiness that is only at its most basic potential, unknowing. “Did you ask her anything? Check for the birthmark?”
You shook your head, arms tightening as you looked back to Ellie in the distance.
“No, I was terrified. Kept thinking I was gettin’ haunted by the ghost of my past self.”
It was meant as a joke, but it was partially serious.
He sighed, following your line of sight and tilting his head. Yeah, he saw the resemblance. He’d met you at age eighteen, but he pictured you younger. Cheeks still a little puffy from the unlost baby fat, eyes still bright and twinkling despite the things you’d seen. Probably quite a bit shorter, too. He figured that she’s the spitting image of you from that age.
“You really think it’s her?”
You threw your hands up in the air. How many times did you have to say it? Try to convince him? No, you weren’t sure… but you had every reason to believe it.
“Same age, same face, same QZ-”
“Look… talk to her. Ask her some questions. See if anything matches up.” He ran a hand over his face. He’d made up his mind about something only a minute ago, and it was plaguing him even more now that you came to him. “Now, I gotta go talk to Maria, and after that I’m gonna take her off of Joel’s hands. She’s gonna go to the fireflies. You’re more than welcome to join me, I’ll need the help.”
You used to make runs with Tommy all the time. No problem… but this also meant more time with Ellie, possibly your Ellie. You could ask her more, find out the answers you’ve been longing for since you left her.
Tags: open
“Okay…”
#joel miller x f!reader#joel miller x you#joel tlou#Joel#joel miller x reader#joel miller#reader insert#the last of us
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𝑅𝑒𝒻𝓁𝑒𝒸𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃𝓈 𝒶𝒷𝑜𝓊𝓉 𝓂𝓎 𝒶𝓇𝓉… (𝒽𝑒𝓁𝓁𝑜, 𝒮𝓊𝓃 𝒾𝓃 𝐵𝒽𝒶𝓇𝒶𝓃𝒾!)
~ This is a bit of a personal one lol, maybe I'm getting a little too comfy on tumblr- but hey, I like it here and I'm very grateful for everyone who's taken an interest in whatever I have to say :)
~ tagging this on Nakshatra tumblr because I feel like this reflection perfectly encapsulates Venus Nakshatras and is very aligned with the Sun moving into Bharani, the birth of Venus among the Nakshatras
// warning, cringe and angsty lmao
I have such an odd relationship with my artistic process. Unconventional? Stubborn. Sometimes just straight up bad lol.
I want to create beautiful, meaningful things, yet I have this sort of extreme resistance to being perfect or professionalism (however, somehow perfectionism and such a ruthless self-antagonism for not being 'enough' at the same time..).
It's almost like I purposely sabotage my art by intentionally leaving in mistakes, or leaving it somewhat dishevelled in protest of perfection. In hopes that the beauty and artistry still manages to shine through to the right people.
I guess it's also this thing where I feel like the imperfection makes art more unique, more exclusive- more personal & dearly held to the people who do find the beauty in it that I initially wanted to communicate. But, there is a difference between artsy, grungy, rawness and... just being crap, lazy, unrefined, undisciplined. (I'd never refer to someone else's work in this way but myself... mann).
Knowing full well that my artistic creation likely 'needs work', is not a finished product and will very likely be criticised for its' imperfection, I still have the overwhelming urge to go ahead and share it with the world/post it. In all of its' messy (again, maybe just straight up bad lol) glory. Then I wonder why I'm not gaining the traction I want haha. When I inevitably receive criticism, I get so hurt by it, I beat myself up and it eats at me to the point that I can't sleep at night, I'm up reciting the criticisms in my head and weaving them into my very own nightmare!
I don't understand why I do this to myself lmao. Later on after posting & putting myself out there, I hear that imperfection in the song, I hear those vocal parts I stubbornly left in and didn't want to redo, I see the dodgy brush strokes I refused to fix up in the name of authenticity, and I cringe. In fact, I feel such a deep shame for it all that I take everything down out of embarrassment. Even though it was fully my decision to put up something amateur sounding and imperfect.
Maybe it's something like the weight of desire for perfection is too much, so I just go 'to hell with it!'.
It's like an endless cycle for me, and I realise that over the years, if I'd just left things up online and was more patient with myself, I'd probably have cultivated a following of some sort by now, or maybe used peoples' criticisms to improve the art to a greater extent. I mean, there are people who have mentioned to me when they notice the art is imperfect and needs work, but there are just as many lovely people who have gone totally out of their way to express deep appreciation for the music/art I've put out and enjoyed it.
Here's my 'theory' as to why I do this to myself: when I create art, I don't just want to make pretty things, though I want that too. I want to be loved, and FELT. I want to bring people to this raw, vulnerable place in my heart where my ideas emerge from. I want to be loved not in spite of the imperfections, but alongside them, all encompassing.
I don't want to have to be perfect, have $1000 worth of equipment, hours and hours of recording time trying to 'get it right' in order to be understood and deemed beautiful. I don't want to show off how perfect or skilled I am either, I want to make people feel something. I want it natural.
r a w.
I kinda enjoy for art to be unfinished and slightly unpalatable on purpose.
Maybe it's a bit of entitlement on my part, expecting that even if I do a mediocre job, people will still enjoy it and see my 'talents'/message.
Truth be told though, that's how I love other people, how I enjoy others' art as well, it's not just something with me.
When I listen to artists I love, I adore seeing something beautiful, yet somehow messy and jarring. A sort of underground-esque, 'wild feminine' creation. It evokes that much more feeling and passion that something designed to be perfect just lacks to me.
I can't get into a lot of bands that are considered 'objectively good' by many people because they just sound too perfect to me- There's a lot of times I come across artists that sound technically good, very clean but my heart just can't get into it. I find myself listening and thinking 'I wish this was recorded on a toaster', or 'I wish there was a more rough sound to the vocals' lol, I crave the rawness & intimacy that imperfection and roughness lends.
Ugh, it all creates such an internal conflict- like I want my art to be seen, to be loved yet I somewhat reject things it takes for the art to be considered objectively good & well rounded.
The harsh reality might just be that just because I see the beauty in imperfection, just because I know I've got this personal, very niche vision of what 'good' sounds like/looks like in my mind, that doesn't mean other people are going to find value in the same things.
Of course, maybe all of this is just pretentious excuses & my own self-hatred manifested (I don't actively hate myself, I try to be much kinder to myself these days but yknow)
Anyway, I realised that it's the start of Bharani season in galactic centre mid-mula Ayanamsa today & I think this write up really aligns with that.
Thankyou for reading lol.. again, a bit of an angsty personal thing but maybe it could be relevant to someone, if y'all wanna know what Venusian artistic angst looks like in real time lmao 🖤🥀
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I'm trying to improve my writing and feel confused and worry over my punctation. Especially when it comes to dialogue tags and the use of semi-colons. They've always confused me. Is it alright to use a simile after a diagloue tag? So for example: "Of course I like ice-cream," he replies, like the answer was obvious.
Worried About Punctuation
Don't stress too much about punctuation. The whole reason we edit, polish, and have proof readers and editors is because being a writer doesn't necessarily mean you have a flawless grasp on punctuation.
Things you can do to improve your punctuation as you write:
-- use built-in punctuation checker in your writing program
-- stop and Google the rule you're not sure about
-- highlight/note the rule you're not sure about and check later
-- ask someone who might know
Things you can do to improve your punctuation after writing:
-- Google things you're not sure about as you self-edit
-- Use Strunk & White's or other punctuation book for help
-- Use program like Grammarly or Pro-Writing Aid to edit
-- Ask an eagle-eyed/educated friend to proofread for you
-- Hire a proofreader or editor
Things you can do to learn better punctuation:
-- Google rules you're not sure about and fix yourself
-- Read a punctuation guide like the one at Grammarly
-- Purchase a punctuation book or workbook
-- Watch punctuation explanation videos on YouTube
One last thing... just so you know, "like the answer was obvious" is not a simile. A simile is not any sentence containing "like" but rather a sentence comparing two seemingly unalike things using the words "like" or "as."
In the sentence "like the answer was obvious," nothing is being compared to something else. Rather, the sentence is saying "as though the answer was obvious."
Examples of a simile:
-- Her cheeks were like red tomatoes.
-- His gaze was cold as ice.
-- He was like a king peering out at his waiting subjects.
-- The tension was thick as Aunt Betty's day-old brownies.
Having said that, yes, you can absolutely follow a dialogue tag with a simile:
-- "Of course I like ice-cream," he replies, his gaze cold as the scoop of mint chocolate chip on his cone.
And, you can also follow a dialogue tag with anything relevant to the dialogue:
-- "Of course I like ice-cream," he replies, like the answer was obvious.
I hope that helps!
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I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!
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