#i wish i didnt believe you could change so i could move on without you.

[wonder2realities]

having trouble with manifesting physical results?

when it comes to manifestation, i feel like everyone acts like theres a limit and usually that limit revolves around physical changes. "you cant lose weight unless you work out AND listen to subliminals, you have to put in the work!!!" — what if i were to tell you that you can manifest literally any physical change without even moving? you probably wouldnt believe me because of the idea that you need to "work" to earn something...and yet with all of the physical changes i've manifested, i havent "worked" for anything. how? here's a little list of the rules i stick by !

1. SHAMELESSNESS IS KEY!

i'm someone who gets embarrassed very easily, over the smallest things but when it comes to manifesting anything...you gotta be shameless. yes i am waking up with a BBL and a 2-inch waist, what about it. you can pull up to my house, with scientific evidence of how thats not possible but idc cuz its happening. infact, it ALREADY happened "but you look the same" idc it still happened. like literally, no matter what its happening and its happened and it will happen ; whether it be past future or present point is ITS THERE.

2. YOU ARE ENERGY, NOT YOUR BODY

this ones a bit hard to word out but essentially, your physical body doesnt make up what you are. meaning, you can view yourself as this ball of energy that can be stretched and pulled out and morphed into everything and anything.

so lets say you want a symmetrical face :

1. dont go overanalysing your face, just sit down & take it easy

2. think of how your symmetrical face that youve always had. i mean you could honestly be a model, your facial structure is amazing. and just allow yourself to sink into those thoughts, whether its through you repeating affirmations or through subliminals — let it all sink in that your face is symmetrical. having doubtful thoughts? let them fly past, dont cling onto them. just allow yourself to sink deeper into the fact that your face is perfectly symmetrical.

3. acknowledge it and live with it. dont go eyeing your mirror and reflection every 2 seconds, dont go panicking and repeating affirmations nonstop and stressing...just acknowledge it and go on with your day.

^ its that easy. you dont need to even see your physical body morphing into it, the point is that you are able to morph and change into whatever you wish because you are not limited to your physical body.

3. NO OVERCOMPLICATIONS

you dont need to do a 40 minute workout to make sure you get results, you dont need to drink 3L of water, you dont need to write down 500 affirmations, you dont need to do a 20step skincare routine if you want to make sure you get clear skin...if you want to do these things, do them as much as you wish to. do you have to? no.

when i was younger, i got a bad injury and because of that one of my cheekbones were larger than the other — through manifestation they look identical now. like as in, if i were to tell you the injury i got into and said "my cheekbone was larger and there was a huge line under it" youd think i was making it up (sidenote : i had to show someone my passport photo from when i was like 8 to prove that i had that injury 😭 CUZ THEY DIDNT BELIEVE ME.) and mind you, i didnt even have a routine - my routine was literally just playing cute subliminals , vibing to the music and then going to sleep. i promise you, you dont need to do any form of "work" to get what you desire.

4. GO WITH YOUR GUT

probably the most important thing i stick by, i always go with my gut. meaning, if i feel like i can listen to a 5 second subliminal and i got it - i leave it there. i dont force anything, i dont push myself into anything and i dont do anything that someone else does if it doesnt vibe well with me. (this also means if youre reading this and going "this doesnt really work with me" - thatll be better than you forcing yourself to follow these rules just because these have worked for me). you need to always remember that when it comes to manifesting things, your preference comes first. so, if you wanna run 5 miles and that helps you believe that you have gotten your desires - do it.

5. DONT LET OTHERS GET TO YOU

if youre minding your business and youre talking abt your desires and someone goes "erm...🤓👆🏽 thats...not possible" - instead of secondguessing yourself literally ignore them. the concept of whats possible and whats real all boils down to what you BELIEVE is possible/real. the only reason something could not be possible or not be real is you believe it isnt, or you letting someone else who doesnt believe in it take over your beliefs (obviously this specifically applies to manifestation and not things that are tied to disorders or any form of unhealthy thinking. dont take my words out of this context.)

and thats all ! obviously i have other parts of my mindset that arent mentioned here that help me manifest faster and easier but it would take too long for me to get into everything </3 but consider these my 5 golden rules that will hopefully help anyone whos struggling with physical results.

rmbr that you are forever limitless & changing ★

#ᡣ𐭩 wonder2realities #🪽₊˚⊹ cici's experiences #˚˖𓍢ִ໋🦢˚ cici's tips #shifting consciousness #desired reality #manifestation #quantum jumping #scripting #shiftblr #shifting blog #shifting methods #loa blog #neville goddard #loa tumblr #law of assumption #law of attraction #manifesting #loassumption #manifest #reality shifting #shifting antis dni #shifting motivation #kpop shifting #shifting community #affirmations

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for slapping my mother in law?

I (27F) am married to my husband Jay (26M) and we recently had our first child Lily.

Well the pregnancy was a very very difficult one. I was throwing up every day for over six months, suffered long bouts of insomnia, developed gestational diabetes, standing up too fast made me incredibly dizzy, my entire body just constantly hurt, Lily kicked me so hard I legit had tears in my eyes (which combined with full body pain was...not pleasant) and to top it all off Lily weighed ELEVEN pounds and I tore really really badly.

Yeah...ow.

I love my daughter to death but never again. Ever.

Anyways after that literal hell of a pregnancy, I've been more or less bedbound for several weeks now while healing from that entire ordeal. Which means Jay has been taking care of pretty much everything, keeping the house clean, making food, taking care of me and Lily, etc. Its a lot I know and I wish I could do more to help but Jay has been insisting that I rest and recover and that he's got this. He's been handling everything like an absolute champ. Honestly if I didnt have him I dont know how I would be doing anything.

Well this morning Jay's parents came to visit and meet their granddaughter. So I was moved to the living room so I could introduce them to Lily and socialize a bit while Jay cooked lunch.

Now Jay's parents are very traditional. They believe that men make the money and that its the woman's job to take care of the house, the cooking, and the children.

You can probably see where this is going.

I introduce Mother in law to Lily and we get to talking. (Father in law went outside to go smoke)

Thats when mother in law asks why Jay is cooking. More importantly why Im NOT cooking. I tell her I physically cant even stand UP without help so how am I supposed to cook.

She only scoffed saying that I was just making excuses. I am very used to her bullshit by now so I just roll my eyes.

Then Lily started crying because she needed a diaper change. Mother in law tells me to go change her diaper. Again I cant even stand up by myself, much less get up to change a diaper.

I call Jay and he happily comes to get our daughter. Mother in law starts yelling, telling Jay no that I should do it because its my job. She grabs Lily and shoves her back into my arms and tells me to get up and go do it.

Jay, my wonderful angel, tried to tell her that I physically couldnt move for weeks and to mind her own damn business.

She then started yelling even more saying that I was making my husband do my job for me, calling me lazy and a slut (What that has anything to do with this? I have no idea) she went off on a complete tangent about how it was a woman's job to take care of the home and the children, that SHE managed just fine and she had five small children, that I was completely emasculating Jay, that I was a disgrace, etc.

She just kept going and going while not letting me and Jay even get a word in. Until eventually she said that my daughter will probably grow up to be a whore like I am.

I think it was a mix of pure exhaustion and hormones because somehow I managed to stand up for a moment and slap her across the face before immediately falling back on the couch.

Jay looked shocked, Mother in law looked livid. (Father in law was just watching from the doorway, equally as shocked.)

Mother in law started full on screaming, calling me every single name in the book until father in law physically dragged her out of the house by her arm.

Now hours later my phone has been blowing up with messages from my brothers and sister in laws, telling me that I was an asshole and that I had no excuse for hitting their mother.

Hell even my friends think I was in the wrong for hitting her (completely ignoring how she was yelling, calling me horrible names, in front of a newborn baby no less.)

So AITA?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[cheeseceli]

Love looks good on you

Pairing: Han Jisung × gn!Reader

genre: angst, drabble

inspiration: this scenario and the song i want you by stephen sanchez

description: you are going on a date and han, your best friend, can't help but regret not confessing to you earlier

Warnings: no happy ending (unless i do a part 2), not proofread and the use of the world asshole like once, ft. Yeonjun from txt because why not

Han was trying. He was trying with all his will to be happy for you and the fact that you were going to your first date after what felt forever. But he knew he would be so much happier if the date was with him. Unfortunately, it wasn't.

While you were deciding on what to wear and talking so happily about this someone new, the boy was sat down on your bed trying to understand what went wrong.

Was he wrong when he fell for you? That was inevitable though. How could he not fall in love when you were so kind since the moment he saw you for the first time? He was infatuated with the way you closed your eyes when you smiled, the way you laughed at his jokes even when he knew they were not that funny and how simply ethereal you looked. He loved the way you would comfort him and the way he did not try to love you. He just did. It was natural and meant to be, he believed.

That could never be the mistake. And if it was something wrong, he would admit he made a mistake but would never regret doing so.

Maybe he should have made the first move. He was scared that maybe he was making up things from his imagination. Everytime you would hold his hand without even noticing and how your gaze would linger on him for more than it should were not enough signs. He needed a confirmation that you were into him as much as he was into you so he could ask you out. Confessing without a guarantee would mean that there were risks of ruining the friendship you guys had. He could not, never, loose you for a silly mistake like this one. If keeping his feelings would also keep you around him, he would be more than satisfied.

Maybe that was why he was in such a situation. He kept quiet. This guy that had the chance to go out with you now didn't. If he had spoken up before, would he have a chance now?

You were still talking. Jisung had noticed that you were happier talking about the clothes you could wear than about your date. Was he projecting or maybe you didnt want to go? He remembered how you didn't even know the dude, Changbin who was the "wingman" just thought you guys should meet each other. Maybe you would like to ditch your date to stay with him a little longer. Maybe...

"Ji? What do you think about this one?"

He looked at you and if you paid a little bit more of attention you would have noticed the way his eyes shone when he saw you. See, he was a songwriter. He knew hundreds of words in korean and english. He knew a lot of metaphors and wrote a lot of beautiful love songs. But he was speechless. No word, in no language, could ever describe how perfect you looked like right now.

"You look beautiful."

"Are you sure? I am afraid he won't like it." you looked to the mirror analysing what you saw in front of yourself "Maybe I am wearing too much..."

"You are perfect. I wouldnt change anything."

You looked at him once more, straight to his eyes and he saw the universe for a second. Maybe, somewhere in those galaxies you held in your eyes, there was a place where you guys could be together. A place where he was there first, asked you first and you said yes to him first.

Sadly, he wasn't there. He was in front of you now, preparing himself to wish you good luck on a journey he didn't want you to go.

Time has passed. You probably thanked him for the compliments, you probably talked a little bit more but suddenly he was waiting for you to lock your door so you could go to this date.

"Well, that's it I guess" you said to him, a little bit awkwardly "Thank you for the help."

"That was nothing, don't worry. Do you want me to wait with you until, uh..."

"Yeonjun."

"Right, Yeonjun" gosh, he already hated that name. And he couldn't even blame the man for taking interest in you "Until he picks you up?"

"I am going to meet him in the diner."

"He is not picking you up?"

He probably didn't hide his displeasure when you told him you'd need to walk to the place to meet the guy because you giggled before saying "Don't worry, Changbin said he is a cool guy."

"Of course he is. Well, if anything happens don't hesitate on calling me. And if it's too late when you get out of there I can pick you up."

"Okay" you smiled. God, Han wished he could live in that moment forever. Only the two of you and your smile "Thank you once again."

"Don't worry about that. I'll be going then. I hope you enjoy it."

That was it. That was the perfect thing to say. He could now go back to the dorms and just wait until he had any updates of you, without putting your relationship at a stake. But his mouth spoke before he could stop it.

"Y/n?"

"Yes?"

"I like you."

For what felt like eternity, there was silence. He didn't dare to look at you. He messed, he shouldn't have done that. But he did. Since you already said the most confidential part, say everything already.

"Actually, I think I love you. And I am so incredibly sorry for telling you this in the worst timing ever, I don't know what came over me. I just needed you to know. I love you and I want you but I will be more than happy to just be your friend if that's what you want me to be" you could hear his breath get heavier, like he was holding his tears back "And I must be messing up your mind now, I'm sorry."

He turned around as fast as he could, trying to get out of there. He was almost breaking down in front of you and the last thing he needed was to make you comfort him even though he is the one who created this mess. He was already kinda far from you when he turned around to look at you again.

"And I know we'll be awkward for a while but please don't go back home alone if it's already late. You can call me to pick you up, i won't say anything. Or you can call one of the boys. Just please be safe."

You tried to say something, you don't even know what, but he went away before you could come up with something. You didn't see his face. And he was relieved, because his cheeks were wet from all the tears. He wished he could've been stronger. He felt like the biggest asshole to ever walk on earth because he probably destroyed your friendship and brought your date down with it.

But deep down, even if it hurts to admit, he wishes you fall in love with Yeonjun. And he wishes he can treat you right. Because even if Han himself can't be the one to make your eyes shine, he knows love must look good on you, and you deserve to experience it.

Feedbacks and reblogs are very much appreciated!

#skz fluff #stray kids fluff #stray kids soft hours #stray kids soft thoughts #skz #skz x reader #skz x you #stray kids #stray kids x reader #skz drabbles #skz fanfic #skz au #stray kids angst #skz angst #han jisung #han angst #han #han drabble #stray kids headcanons #stray kids drabble #yeonjun #celi drabbles

[kitgundy]

DYSPHORIA

Mom, do you know how much of a nightmare it is?

Looking down at my body and feeling like something’s wrong

Looking back and examining and reexamining my past thoughts, my past beliefs

Realizing I’m a boy and no matter how much I try to deny it I always have been

I’m a boy. I’m a boy, <DEADNAME> isn’t a boy name. I’m not a FUCKING SHE. I AM NOT A SHE AND MY NAME ISNT <DEADNAME> PLEASE GOD JUST STOP FUCKING CALLING ME THOSE THINGS YOU TELL ME TO STOP TELLING YOU TO STOP, YOU TELL ME IT HURTS YOU WHEN I TELL YOU TO STOP, YOU SAY ITS BECAUSE OF MY TONE WHEN I TELL YOU BUT IT HAS BEEN FUCKI YEARS AND YOU HAVENT EVEN TRIED DO YOU KNOW HOW MCH THAT HURTS ME?

I can’t even explain how tiring it is that you look at me and you don’t see me for who I am. You see a girl who doesn’t know herself. You see a stupid little girl who is following a trend. IF YOU REALLY KNEW ME YOU WOULD KNOW I DONT FUCKING FOLLOW TRENDS MOM!!!! It isn’t a fucking phase! I thought I was just non-binary and I told you back then. And I wish I hadn’t, because I was still confused about what I was and I went about it aggressively and that isn’t how you tell people how you really feel because then they’ll never believe you.

You will never believe me when I tell you who I am. I don’t know if I hate you for it or if I can just ignore it so I can still love you. It’s both. I have to ignore the way you see me so I can love you in a way that works. I hate when you talk about me to other people because I know the words you will speak, I know the name you will use, and I try to brace myself but it still hurts more every fucking time.

God, I wish I was just born a boy. I wish I was born and raised like a boy. I wish I had a dick. I wish I had a deep voice. I wish I had facial hair, I want to look at myself in the mirror, I want to look in the mirror and not see a stranger looking back at me.

I don’t know what to do. Whenever I try to explain what I want to be (a gender non conforming guy but also just some guy), you butt in and say “why not be a gender non conforming girl?”

BECAUSE I TRIED THAT AND IT DIDNT WORK. I LOVE MYSELF AND I LOVE MY BODY BUT I AM ALSO IN THE WRONG BODY AND THERES MEDICAL WAYS TO FIX THAT BUT IF I TRY TO DO THAT UNDER YOUR ROOF I AM TWRRIFIED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN TO ME. And GOD I am terrified of doing the medical treatments too, because I am one bad politician away from my entire life being ruined when I do go on those. There’s already a lot of states I cannot safely go to or live in. I can’t fucking visit my grandmother in Florida because I am TERRIFIED of how I would be treated there. I am TERRIFIED of the politics there.

And yeah, sure, maybe I wouldn’t visit that grandmother anyway, sue me. I know there’s gotta be somewhere you got your beliefs from and I’m willing to bet it’s not just the church, but also her. God I hope it’s her and not just you absorbing the church’s ideals like a sponge, because I KNOW you’re smarter than that. And I KNOW childhood beliefs can be challenged and changed, but there’s a sinking feeling in my heart that it isn’t just childhood beliefs. There’s a sinking feeling that that church is part of why you’re not a safe space for me.

And I am so scared, because I know when I move out, I am going to double down. I’m a man. I’m a boy. I always have been. I always will be. I don’t know how to explain it, you try to explain why you’re a woman without saying it’s because of your body. Tell me why your spirit is a woman without saying “I don’t know”. What exactly is your connection with womanhood?

I’ll tell you my connection with manhood. When I was a little kid, I didn’t think about this stuff. But I thought it would be REALLY cool to do things in a boy way. I tried and failed multiple times to stand up to pee, just to prove I could. I didn’t even really care about the stereotypes, I just thought it’d be cool to be a boy.

I remember years later, I was sitting in front of the old TV, staring at the screen after starting a new save on Pokémon Ruby. I was wondering if I should pick the boy option. Part of me REALLY wanted to pick the boy option.

But I was scared. Why was I scared? Had my mind already been poisoned with subconscious hatred, even at such a young age? I don’t know. I just know when I heard someone nearby, I picked the girl option- out of FEAR. Part of me KNEW I shouldn’t pick the boy option. Part of me KNEW I shouldn’t even be thinking about it.

I didn’t think about these things back then, didn’t realize being a boy was an option- in fact, I thought it was dangerous. I considered myself boyish, sure. I wasn’t a tomboy, but tomboy fit what I thought I was, I thought I was a girl who felt weirdly.. boy.

My breasts started to grow. I had been excited for them at first, but when they actually grew, I hated them. I didn’t know why. I just wanted to hide them. I wanted them gone. I was excited, so why was I feeling like this?

Why did I hate the way my body was changing?

Must just be normal puberty, right? Everyone hates their bodies changing like this. And besides, the breasts came with periods, and periods suck. So maybe I was just hating puberty as a whole.

The feeling didn’t go away. It just got worse and worse and worse.

I grew up. And then I found out what trans means. And then I did research. And then I picked a fight with you, telling you I’m non-binary.

Because that’s what I thought I was. I had never had time to really think about it, after all. I wasn’t a girl, but I couldn’t be a boy, right? “Boys are gross and ugly and annoying and I don’t want to be that so I can’t be a boy. Besides, trans is too strong of a word for what I feel,” that’s what I thought.

And time went on. And I matured. And I realized that, yes, I am a boy. A girlish boy, maybe, a genderfuck boy who wants to wear dresses AND suits, but he will NEVER be recognized as a boy when he does wear a dress because his body doesn’t match his soul.

The more I grow, the more I realize:

My body wasn’t meant for me and I wasn’t meant for this body.

My voice in my head is lower than how it comes out. My face itches for lack of facial hair, my whole body itches for lack of hair. Long hair feels suffocating, blinding. I can’t even bear to look at my chest anymore, can barely bear to touch it.

And it HURTS every time I look in the mirror, every time I speak.

But not NEARLY as much as it hurts to hear that name.

I chose the name Kris because it was convenient. <DEADNAME> and Kris both start with a K. They’re both four letters. And, unlike <DEADNAME>, NOBODY is going to say the name Kris wrong, and nobody is gonna SEE the name Kris and assume it’s a girl’s name.

I chose the name Kris, and my pronouns fluctuated, but my name stayed the same. For TWO YEARS it stayed the same.

And yet you still keep calling me <DEADNAME>. You keep calling me a DAUGHTER. You keep calling me a SHE.

It HURTS.

And honestly? I wish you just wouldn’t call for me at all at this point.

I love you. But I can only handle you in small amounts, and only when we’re alone, because when you talk about me, you use words that drive straight into my soul.

I am not a FUCKING girl.

Girls are awesome. They’re great. Girls are beautiful, and wonderful, and I love girls.

It’s just.. I’m not one. I never was.

And I don’t know how you can’t see that.

Don’t you remember? The times when I was a kid, when I would try to stand up to pee? Don’t you know how much I wished to be a brother too? I made being the only daughter my personality, but that’s because I didn’t know I could be anything else.

Didn’t you see how much I tried to reject femininity?

One day, I said I hate the color pink. I said I hate it with a passion, I spat vicious vitriol at such a pretty color.

I was wearing a pink jacket.

Years later, I look back and I see a confused, hurting.. I’m not sure what I was.

Honestly.. I don’t think I was a boy then. I mean, I was ALWAYS a boy deep down, but at the time, I didn’t KNOW that, and I was trying REALLY HARD to just be a girl but not like other girls(?), so I’m not really sure what I was then.

I just know I wasn’t a girl. And some part of me deep down knew that, and was VICIOUSLY attacking everything feminine I did and liked in an attempt to distance myself from it all.

I hate that you can’t recognize that.

I love you, and I love the name <DEADNAME>, it’s such a nice name, really. I love women, they’re so wonderful and deserving of all the best (deserving of much better than society gives them, really).

But I’m not <DEADNAME>. I’m not your daughter, I’m not a she.

I will probably burst into tears if you ever call me your son. And I am TERRIFIED. Because I KNOW you will take that the wrong way, use it as yet another reason I’m just confused.

I’m not. I think YOURE confused.

You tell me statistics aren’t good to use but good GOD, the statistics I use are REAL. They’re from STUDIES. If you can’t use real FUCKING numbers, what the hell else are you supposed to do?

I don’t know what to do. It hurts more to talk to you every day because it’s getting worse and worse the longer I spend in a body that doesn’t fit with a voice that doesn’t match, and YOU aren’t helping.

I’m so, so tired of being seen as something I’m not. I’m so tired of fantasizing and dreaming about being seen for who I am and then being reminded that wouldn’t be safe.

I’m tired of you. I love you, but you make me so, so tired.

So forgive me if I got too snappish when I corrected you. Holding in the corrections is only serving to hurt me, and I don’t feel safe around you anymore.

Honestly, I doubt I ever did.

I don’t remember the last time I had a genuine conversation with you that ended where you understood me. You look at me and you see this wayward child, this lost sheep. You don’t try to understand ME, you only try to make me understand YOU.

Well, guess what? I am an ADULT HUMAN MAN. Your god will NEVER be mine, he has HURT ME. I’m not a sixteen year old trapped in a nineteen year old body, I am NINETEEN and AUTISTIC. I'm not maturing the way you thought I would because school and everything in my life burnt me out and people hurt me, so I didn’t get to emotionally mature when I should have, and I’m picking up the pieces left behind by that trauma now but that doesn’t mean I’m not an adult. I still feel too overwhelmed by the world to live on my own but I am an ENTIRE ADULT and you need to REALIZE that. I know I’m still young and stupid, but that doesn’t make me not an adult. YOU NEED TO LOOK AT ME AND SEE AN ADULT.

Oh, and on your religion? I’m not a lost sheep, I am a WOLF who will EAT your Shepard.

Because I was a blue sheep.

I was a blue sheep who was painted pink, and the flock said “Our Shepard loves you no matter what color you are!”

But when I showed my colors, the flock turned away. Averted their eyes and avoided me.

And you did too.

And that shepard never said a word to me, never even noticed when I was left behind.

The meaner ones in the flock even called me a wolf. So you know what I did? I grew fangs.

You know what? Part of me wants to bite you- that is to say, to keep correcting you. You take that as a bite? Fine. I will fucking bite, until you bleed enough that you decide enough is enough.

You can choose whether you distance yourself from me or actually start referring to me by my name, by my pronouns. You can respect me or you can leave.

I don’t care.

I hate you. I love you, but I hate you so much.

I don’t even hate you, actually. I’m just hurt. I’m so hurt and angry and I feel so guilty for feeling this way.

I didn’t choose to be a blue sheep. I didn’t choose to get turned into a wolf. The flock thought of me as one and that’s what I became.

I never asked for this.

I never asked for you to adopt me. I never asked to be put with someone who can’t understand.

Why don’t you understand?

WHY DONT YOU UNDERSTAND!?

WHY DON’T I UNDERSTAND!!!???

I DO UNDERSTAND!!! You don’t know how to understand. Because you only look at one side.

The church’s side.

Your God’s side.

I want to kill your god.

So many of my problems would be solved if he never existed. So many of my problems wouldn’t exist if Joseph Smith didn’t exist.

Maybe I wouldn’t be alive today.

Or maybe fate has a way, and our family would have been together somehow anyway, and maybe you’d care for me the way you do for my brothers. Maybe you’d stop seeing me as your daughter.

If I was born a boy, maybe I’d be your weird gay GNC son.

Please call me your son.

Please call me your son.

PLEASE CALL ME YOUR SON.

I LOVE YOU PLEASE, I BEG YOU ON MY FUCKING HANDS AND KNEES PLEASE CALL ME YOUR SON IM YOUR SON I AM YOUR FUCKING SON PLEASE CALL ME YOUR

#tw dysphoria #unsupportive family #unsupportive mother #vent post #tw vent #personal vent #vent writing #trans vent #transmasc #gender dysphoria #please ignore this lmao I was feeling some sort of way

[misc-obeyme]

omg i didnt send that on anon did i rip

-🍪/🥐

Hello there, friend! You were indeed off anon when you sent the first ask, but I have put it here so that I can answer it without revealing your identity. :)

And yes of course you can be 🍪 or 🥐! Did you want me to choose one?? Because how am I supposed to choose between two delicious things?! Though admittedly, I think I'd go with 🥐 in the end because saying croissant is also fun. Anyway, I will add it to the list unless you'd prefer to choose something else entirely since I am now aware of who you are. I'm honestly never sure if anons stay anon because they don't want me to know them or if it's because they don't want my followers to? I just want everyone to be as comfortable as possible. I'll still add it to the list but let me know if you would like it changed! (ETA: It has occurred to me that I will still know who it was even if you changed it lol. Listen I'm in low brain power mode still. Anyway...)

Also, thank you I'm so glad you're enjoying my writing! 💕

Anyway, I 1000% agree with your entire ask.

I have to admit that I haven't even heard of some of the things you're talking about. Dough sheeter is a new term for me, but I am inferring its use by context. I absolutely believe that Barb has like professional style maybe even industrial grade cooking appliances. Because how often does he have to cook entire feasts for at least ten people? It happens so frequently, there's no way he doesn't have all of the equipment needed to cook and bake as much as he does. Plus they have the whole castle kitchen, I'm sure it's huge! And also I don't see Diavolo sparing any expense for his butler's kitchen. He probably just gave Barb a bunch of money and was like get whatever you need.

For a professional such as yourself, I think that would probably be absolutely amazing. How exciting it would be to get to use all that stuff! For someone like me, it'd be a learning session lol. I'd need him to teach me how to use it all because my baking has not extended further than a stand mixer and some piping bags.

But I think that if you're the kind of person who finds baking helps you destress (which a lot of us seem to be), I think Barbatos would be the perfect baking partner for such an activity. I kind of think that he would indulge all your Fortnite flossing tendencies. He doesn't get it, but if it works for you, then he's all for it!

I really love the idea of it being a regular thing, too. Like at first MC comes to the castle and is amazed by all the equipment. They spend a chunk of that time either being in awe over it all or learning to use it or what have you. Then as they keep coming back, they fall into this rhythm with Barbatos. He learns how MC moves around the kitchen and MC learns the same about him. Eventually, they're working in tandem and can bake together so effectively that everyone is floored by the amazing things they create.

Solomon wishes he could mess around in that kitchen! I'm convinced that Barb like locks up the more expensive stuff somehow to decrease the chances of Solomon slipping past him and messing things up. Maybe if MC was there to help supervise, Barbatos would allow Solomon to attempt cooking in the castle kitchen. But yo that would probably be a high stress situation.

Anyway, I definitely think that baking with Barbatos would absolutely be a good way to take advantage of his calming presence to relax. The brothers wouldn't be able to complain even more because I'm sure you'd be bringing them plenty of whatever you made, too.

#please now I keep thinking about all the delicious pastries we'd make together #I have a love of desserts #and bread #I would want to eat everything #well okay not everything but at least sample it all lol #obey me #obey me nightbringer #obey me barbatos #🥐 anon #misc answers

[creativebrainrot]

I lived.

ive been through so much shit in this house and finally, i can trust and know, that theres an end. That in the very first week of November my new life can begin. the one i thought id always have from the time i was young. when i was a kid i thought id grow up to become educated, go to college, move out around 22-25 and have a Normal Life. i never did. instead i got to wonder why all the media i saw told me that fathers would do anything for their kids- especially "their little girls" which at the time, i was. i had to wonder why after any little convo with my father i wanted to cry in the shower- why so many times i DID cry in the shower afterwards. I didnt question all the times I cried myself to sleep. all the times i had to fight off thoughts of self hate and "i wish i was dead" "id be better off dead, no one would miss me," I was a child. I didnt think anything was wrong until i did question why id never heard anyone else talk about that, about wanting to cry after every conversation you had with your father. I knew i never felt like he loved me, like he wanted me. I knew he felt like an estranged neighbor that i lived with for some reason, instead of feeling like my father. I never trusted him. i never felt at home in this house. I never had friends in real life. the one kid my age i did meet, moved away a few months later. the other kids were not my age, and troubled, and connected to my abusive father's friends. so i was isolated and homeschooled.

my dad would take me to the park routinely incase i did ever get the chance to make friends there but it never happened.

homeschooling was also my dads idea and i do think it was the better choice for me personally because of where we live (i would've likely been bullied to no end and that plus the at home abuse wouldve broken me i think.) but it did enable my father to isolate me further. he isolated my dad too. the social anxiety just last year i felt about saying ANYTHING, the way i was trained to hyperanalyze EVERYTHING that i said, the FEAR and ANXIETY i felt whenever i thought of a way my words could be twisted into something malicious, the ways my words could be twisted into something i wasnt saying. my dad and i both felt like that for YEARS. we've always lived in the middle of fucking no where. i cant walk to a mall. i cant walk to the grocery store. we have no public transport. its so christian out here that early on my dad (who is perceived as a middle aged housewife here) wouldve been told to stay with my father or somewhat ostracized for divorcing him- even without being involved in any church congregation here. the social pressure, the physical isolation, the mental abuse that ruined our selfconfidence, the second guessing ourselves, all of it.

If I told you of one single incident you would think a single prick of a needle's point had driven me mad.

Because to describe the sheer amount of needle pinpricks before that is hard to describe, difficult to convey the gravity of every little pinprick over the two decades i had to live with my father and his abuse.

he got worse right before he left, in my dad's eyes, but- and this may be stupid of me, i didnt feel like that. he was always pathetic, to me. He was stupid and impulsive but he was dangerous and he is the only person that ever made me feel Bleak. Truly, genuinely, sincerely bleak. for the first few months of 2019, i felt nothing. i was numb. resigned. i believed there was no good ending, that this house and that abuse was all i would ever know. there was no use fighting or feeling. it would change nothing.

to some extent i still havent truly realized deep down that im, free. im free now. im an adult now. no one will ever make me powerless again. i wont fall for any of this abuse in the future. i have friends now. i once believed i was truly unlovable and that no one would bat an eye if i disappeared. that i was not worth noting. i still struggle with thoughts of being "replaceable." but now, i know people who care. i have independence now. once im out of this shithole state my dad and i can seek trans health care- fuck, we can HAVE HEALTHCARE at all.

I don't miss my father. I hate that i still love him, somehow. he was the only one who ever made me want to kill myself. he was always the sole reason for the mountains of distress i felt. Im glad he never got to know I was queer.

what kept me going for so long was my childhood cat and music, and my dad. I lost my childhood cat BK this year, and it still hurts. But in my heart shes still here, somehow. I want to find a kitten with her sweet little eyes, when we're settled into the new living situation. BTS's music in particular always made me feel better, I still listen to them.

this house was a fixer-upper in the first place. it became a money sink over the years of neglect. my father promised to fix so many things but instead he trashed the place. i have never slept in a bedroom I loved. i have never had a real dresser. i havent had a furnished dining room since i was 7 or so. i havent been able to stay lucid in this house because its just so trashed already that apathy is a must or else i get more depressed. i try, i really do try to clean when i can. but this house is beyond repair for myself and my dad at this point. even if we wanted to fix it we cant. we have no money for all the tlc it needs at this point. moving is the only option.

I miss caring. I miss caring about my surroundings. Caring about myself. Caring about my dad. I miss feeling each day. We were doing so well before the car broke down.

deep in my heart I wish i could ask my father "why" but I know that no answer would satisfy me. Nothing can explain "why," that I haven't already known by now, yet my heart yearns with that question anyway. "Why?"

and now we're only a week away from knowing the life we had always wanted and dreamed of. we tasted that life just a few months ago, for a year or two and it was lovely. It can only get better from here. I spent ages hanging on to a THREAD of hope. for my dad. I never wanted him to be the one to find the aftermath, i couldnt do that to him. and deep down i wanted, so desperately, for it to get better. Im so glad I hung on long enough to be rewarded. it was hard. I had to fight to see tomorrow, to not give up, to not abandon hope. It was so fucking hard, and I dont regret a second of it.

The list of my and my dad's abuse at the hands of my father when he was living with us, and still alive, is long. But the list of our progress, our hopes and our plans, our dreams, our triumphs, is so much longer.

I lived. I lived to see a new dawn and finally know the life child me always thought we would end up having. We're free, and im so happy, finally.

#open journal #open journalling #rotthoughts #creativelyrottedmind #personal #parental abuse #abuse #suicide mention #tw suicide

[party-in-eldarya]

Where were we? Ah, in the middle of Tenjin's attack. Our team once again split and once again is in the hall. Nevra and Mathieu have just fought kitsunes. Mathieu was spotted by sentry, and the fight broke started, but boys didnt get hurt. Nevra is mad at Mathieu but generously for me he explained what happened next, so I don't have to:

Edgar, poor thing, is panicking, he wants to go back though portal.

no, but he is right. Why they waited till night? Why they leave per pedes, when they have dragon here? I do not believe that even Koori is able to lead them through snow, in darkness. She was a princess, not a scout! They should fly away on Lance's back from the roof of building, anything that would put some distance between them and Tenjin's forces and let them move fast.

And Mathieu- not that empath Erika- is calming Edgar down. He promised Edgar that everything will be fine. I wonder if it will be mentioned, because you know what happens to Edgar. I wonder if Mathieu will ever mention Edgar in ANE after that episode?

They continue. Remember when we were traveling with Chrome to Kappas' land? They reused same backgrounds, switching them every few lines of dialogue to make it seem like we progress with our journey. Wish Beemoov did same here, because reading whole pages of text with same building on a screen is... not exactly exciting. Erika finally thought about the possibility of Tenjin destroying their ship. I was first, O last of the aengels. I WAS FIRST.

too-fucking-bad that those spells are not used on people. or during various missions in TO. Wait, maybe they didn't exist before this ep? Come one, they make up rules on the go when writing the scenario.

So it makes two points for Erika. Still, I WAS FIRST. Erika thinks there is no plan B and they have to succed, and I just. Good people of tumblr. There should be plan C, D and even E. This is an important mission, it could end up catastrophic- breaking all bonds between guard and Genkaku, which, btw, is what happened. HH sent Lance, Nevra, Erika the Saint and Leiftan the Cripple (but it is hush hush), all her strongest men. She kept only Karenn (not strong/good enough to be a Shadow Leader), Jamon and Chrome to protect her people. I will just remind you that we have humans with machine guns walking around Eel. BTW, we are still using same background while game is talking to me about "walking through forests and plateau". Frugal.

The text is really chopped.

CLICK.

It's chopped like salad.

CLICK.

Which, btw, should be torn, not chopped...

CLICK.

...and def. not cut.

CLICK.

This makes me wanna throw myself from that 90 floor.

CLICK! Those were my teeth, when I facedesked one time too many while reading this chopped sentences they give us.

Anyway, change of background. Yay. Erika admits that it's 10-metres visibility. And they picked mountains route. Good luck.

Wow, a chance to change my LoM with Leiftan. I have already got 100% with Leiftan, but decided against asking him for help in case it will make him hate me forever. Beemoov taught me well in this case. Erika showed once again that she doesn't know her man: Leiftan would never "freak out" and started screaming at her, or- in this situation- at anybody. He was always portrayed in TO as professional, and he lost his nerve only when facing losing Erika or Erika's love. Erika decides to put on her shield (wasn't it glowing? in the darkness? when there is ambush awaiting for them? without asking her leader if he is ok with it? Go on girl, prove to me that you are indeed the Dumb Sister). Famous last words? here:

About that part of the road that was very hard for all of the party to pass:

And Lance transports them above the peak or whatever it was. In small groups, because. Beemoov, a piece of advice: next game let your artists discuss details with writers because IT MAKES NO SENSE. You draw Lance in his dragon form as huge, majestic creature that could take 6 people without a sweat, and yet it is impossible in your story.

Anyway.

The ambush. Shield worked, btw, but still, me thinks that Erika the Dumbass should have discussed things with Nevra. Oh? Nevra mentions that she should tell him. Point for Nevra.

They are jumping off the cliff. Allow me once again:

Is it because of Gardienne's shield (so everyone should be close to it) or did HH told Nevra she has some plans for her and needs her to be alive? (still hoping for villain HH).

Kitsunes await us near the boat. The backgrounds in night are marvelous in ANE:

... and he pulls out the sword. I guess they abandoned any thought on diplomatic mission on those grounds in next century? As @heyseihai mentioned, the Guard in TO wasn't allowed to intervene if not asked. Sure, it could have changed after Crystal BS, but it would be nice and necessary to mention it. Because it changes whole dynamic between Eldarya lands and Eel Guard.

goddamnit. you have word limits and you waste it on THIS and stappler?

I know, I know. She has done well with shield, it worked, and it is shame that neither Nevra, Lance nor Mathieu thought about asking her to do it. But still, it's Erika, the weakest link in any chain!

BTW suddenly Nevra asks everyone to protect Edgar. Nice, but I still remember him wanting to leave Edgar behind. Probably bad writing, but with smarter plot it would mean that Nevra realized Edgar was a source of informations about present time Earth. Or a snack to send home to mommy dearest.

Edgar is not buying this. Same Edgar, same.

Nevra reminds us why we are here (not to fight, but to get to safety of our ship), and I will stop for a moment: why exactly we are here? What was the point of this mission? To take samples of portal? Well, one Shadow stealthy spy could have done it. Why take Koori? Why they didn't fly on Lance to Orodruina Mountain?

And then Tenjin attacks. Honestly, I do not understand why now and here. Kitsunes should have attacked ouour group during mountains' crossing, grab Koori and run. So far Guardmen didn't break deal with Tenjin (that 24 hours deal), and well, Koori's case should be discussed with HH. If Guard was somewhat competent and strong what he has done should doomed his dynasty and kingdom. Unless the rule of "no intervention unless asked" from TO is still in the air. Then- WOops, HH.

Erika did quite well during fight, Edgar...

Mah baby!

BTW... To a person who wrote battle scene: stop. Do not drink and write. You try to make a dramatic build up for Edgar to die, to lull us into false belief that the worst is behind us. But for ffs don't do it like this! These are adult plp, how can I treat Erika seriously when she is bragging about defeating three opponents IN THE MIDDLE OF BATTLEFIELD!!? she got a task of protecting Edgar, and yet she wastes time on screaming to him "not bad huh?". Beemoov, she was suposed to be an adult, not a 14 years old teen.

You know what I like? I like that they made Lance being just very powerful. Able to fight many opponents and survive, but not making him superman. HOWEVER, it clashes with what they said so far in TO and ANE. They made dragons being a god-likes, so him almost losing to turkeys is laughable.

Erika tries to intimidate Tenjin, only to be totally ignored. She could have try to put that shield on Koori and Edgar and cry for help? Could work better? It was a bit sad that Tenjin didn't pay any attention to her trying to be girlboss and everything.

Koori uses her powers in the best way: she trapped Erika in an illusion, caused Mathieu to halucinate and wander aimlessly. It worked on some Tenjin's troupes too but at what cost? What a dumb bitch. They really should have left her in Eel or at least discuss what everyone CAN and SHOULD do during emergency.

^ that's Mathieu's state. He is surrounded by enemies, delirious. Well done, Koori. Anyway, woot woot ANOTHER CHOICE! I screamed for Leiftan's help, Nevra got hurt, Lance saved the Mathieu:

... and wtf. Koori didn't throw away stones. No one will mention it, right? And she will make huge party next episode, like her decision didn't make this fight more difficult, like Edgar didn't die? OH, but Pretty Princesses cannot do wrong in eldarya (unless they are Miiko, they couldn't be that obvious with Miko's self insert).

Anyway, Tenjin was behind u on a battlefield, but suddenly he is in front of us, standing on our the way to a boat. And then he screams to withdraw, no doubts- into the ocean. I cannot imagine topography of this battlefield. But the deed is done- Edgar is dead, killed by Tenhin who suddenly decided to notice our Erika. Could be nice to have a good healer, right? Or someone with shield (well, years of playing cleric in BG have changed me). BTW, Mathieu DID remember about his promise to Edgar:

Erika is shocked. She keep on repeating how she promised Edgar that everything will be fine. See, that could and should give us a moment of awareness that Eldarya is NOT a nice world, and that Erika is NOT an important person here, at least not really. That splendor, her own statue and status of semi-goddess means nothing next to corpse of someone whom she failed. Erika had lead a very save and sheltered life on Earth so this could be a moment when she starts missing her previous life, when no one near her died murdered by psychopath. And either she will mourn her "innocence" or try to get stronger for real. Alas, we wont' get this development. On a boat:

Spoilers: it won't, and what report? All you have are your guesses. You do not have any evidence but samples from one portal. You didn't even manage to bring a witness, who in theory, could have had some infos of what is happening on Earth. You broke and ties with Genkaku, got your leader hurt. You failed on all levels. This mission was a failure.

Also, Beemoov should have made Leiftan fight with weapon only. Nevra would still be mad about him not using powers, but at least that would make sense. FFS, Tenjin almost killed Erika! What was the point of Leiftan going for the mission? How he wanted to protect Erika? He is a warrior, he can fight without his powers! Now, back to horny Erika:

Wait, did I miss something? I always picked lines that were closest to "I want to be with you", why is Erika so surprised? Did they switched writers again in the middle of... first half of season? Did the writer lose their notes? Why is Erika so shocked that man she was in love with, is still dear to her? Theory that Erika got colonized by Crystal, is no longer a "living" creature and thus human emotions are now quite alien to her- intensifies.

The ending and Erika's thoughts about Leiftan are written by someone who knows TO just from summaries: how is Leiftan gentle? Why is MY Gardienne, who was in an intimate relationship with him for months admits to herself that he is, indeed, quite attractive? WHOLE ANE IS WRITTEN SOLELY FOR NEW PLAYERS. For them was an info about Nevra avoiding fighting, prioritizing stealth. For them Erika has now epiphany about her lover being hot, and forgetting that he was a bloody murderer, who semi-faked his friendly persona. (No wonder he is awkwardly looking into ocean, he hears her thoughts after all. )

Someone in Beemoov at the end of this episode:

quickly, we have to add some SEXXXXX to keep our games "mature", and what is better than making our MC do this

Yes, that's always the best course when a man dies next to you. I will keep it in mind when I will go back to work.

THE END THANKS THE FUCKS.

#playing ane what a joy #ANE SPOILERS #RANT

[suppenzeit]

Steam Press - Having a bad day?

hi kate

theres no ending, and i didnt exactly hit the prompt but rusty is having kind of a shit day in this one

Damn, sounds like the Starlight himself is pressure washing the roof.

BV just tried to focus back on the crossword he was doing. He’d come home early, as soon as the freight got back to the yard, hoping to save himself from being soaked. The rain did pick up on the last half of his trip home, but it was nothing a change of clothes and bundling up on the couch couldn’t fix. Honestly, he didn’t mind the weather all that much, the rain was fine, it was just that Rusty was still out there, doing his job like the diligent guy he was.

And Rustys shift still wasn’t over, there was still at least an hour left. BV silently wished that someone was smart enough to realize that Rusty practically dissolved in weather like this and forced him to go home. He shouldn’t be out there, suffering Starlight knows how much. There were other shunters, the yard wouldn’t fall apart without Rusty. Fuck it, he should go out there and-

He was taken out of his thoughts by the front door opening and closing. Rusty. Rusty was home. Was he hurt? Did someone at the yard actually have a functioning brain? BV leaned his head back over the couch armrest to get a better look as Rusty rolled in, looking absolutely miserable.

“Hi, BV” Rusty sounded… defeated, almost. I guess going home early was a mark of shame for him.

“Hi, you ok?” BV knew he wasn’t, and rolled off the couch to get over to Rusty, hoping to at least help him out of his clothes.

“I’m fine, can’t believe Poppa made me go home early,” Rusty pushed his hands away, and began taking off his clothes “I’m perfectly fine, I could have stayed the whole shift”

As Rusty struggled to get his soaked shirt off, BV took the opportunity to roll to their bedroom to get some dry clothes. A soft t-shirt that originally belonged to BV, that Rusty had claimed for himself, a pair of very comfy sweatpants, and some undies. Rolling past the bathroom, he decided to grab a towel too, mostly so that Rustys hair wouldn’t drip cold water all over the dry clothes.

Back in the living room, Rusty had managed to get off most of his clothes, the only thing remaining being his underwear. BV gave him a look.

“Those too, can’t have you being grumpy all night because your ass is wet”

“I’m not being grumpy” He muttered in a particularly grumpy way, and finally took off his underwear. It wasn’t anything BV hadn’t seen before.

“Of course”

-

BV felt relaxed the instant he was cuddled on top of Rusty on the couch. And Rusty seemed content too, being dry and warm instead of cold, wet and miserable.

“How are your joints?” He felt Rusty move his fingers, as if to test if they still moved.

“A bit stiff, but fine”

#askbox #anonymous #steam press #my fic #stex #honestly might actually finish this some day #anyway enjoy your steam press kate

[mywillbedone]

RE: TLOU Ending:

sure sure u can take the direct approach, ellie chooses to believe joel bc knowing he lied and went against her probable wishes is too unpleasant to live with

but that bit really resonates with me as a guy who is sooo fucked up and has spent a lot of time despairing over Purpose

she does something i do a Lot, and used to do without realizing it (and have a hard time resisting the urge to do consciously now) when i feel insecure, asking for reassurance. asking for repetition to see if the answer changes. especially when you Know the truth of smth, asking a question to psychoanalyze the way someone responds

it can easily be read as. ellie only really started to understand she had value just existing when joel says they can just go home, and then tells her shes what healed him.

up to that point she was useless, she meant nothing to fedra, had no direction or purpose. riley gave her a taste of being worth something but that got snatched away before she could even begin to process it. then marlene and everybody else comes in at her lowest point and tells her. you have a Purpose, you can be Worth something. and thats all shes had bc these dorks cant talk about feelings. theres a shadow of understanding that maybe she matters, but they never talk so thats all it is, it's immaterial and could just as easily not be there. so of course she would probably want to Fulfill her Purpose at all costs....

(even if they HAD asked for her consent to do that, is she really. able to make that decision? shes fucking 14 and i remember at that age low key fantasizing about being a dumbass martyr, having some greater Purpose in the scheme of things, especially when i felt like i had nothing else. she's also been manipulated to think that way specifically, and hasn't had time to experience life with her own inherent value acknowledged. if she had more time with that, would she agree to sacrifice herself? i kinda doubt it)

so then joel lies, and she kinda knows it. and is mulling that over the rest of the drive. she Has to ask. to see how he will respond, to give him an out to come clean. and when he lies again. theres so much to that.

there was no other way he could answer. sure he wants to spare her feelings. but it would also be too close to admitting he did something wrong (he doesnt think so, and he didnt). and it would force him to put his feelings to words and its too big for that, he couldnt possibly. it would mean less if he could, thats just the kind of guy he is.

and thats the reassurance ellie needs to realize she doesnt need Purpose because shes Truly worth something, everything to the person who she feels the same about. and she can move on then

she doesn't have to believe joel because what he was saying unspoken there was much more important

#idc what the canon interpretation is #im just giving another way to read it #and that means everything to me tbh #why yes feeling lost and meaningless is why i was having a breakdown in the bathroom at work today 💕

[lolexjpg]

dts s2 e4-6

e4: -sorry seb's "says who?" at the start of episode (in response to ferrari telling him what to do) GAGGED sets the tone for the episode PERFECTLY -mattia talks about monza the way indy drivers talk abt the 500 lmao -the whole "there is no #1 driver" bit makes me think hey r there parallels to be drawn between sebchal here and alonso/hamilton in 2007? just thinkin about it -before i get to far i want to share some thoughts: when i first watched this episode with NO prior knowledge it was rly hard to follow. after i heard about the specifics of the ferrari engine controversy (cheating), for the second watch i remember this episode suddenly clicking for me! this episode would've benefitted so much from a will buxton monologue explaining the juicy details for a newish viewer. i understand that there might have been pressure from ferrari to not include those details but it is such a shame, to have such a core piece of information missing and viewers have to try to piece together the narrative without it :/ -HI LAURA WINTER -very much get the impression that seb is like the family member who notices the generational trauma and going hey maybe we should change things to stop that and gets exiled from the family instead :) those sure are the vibes -HI CHARLOTTE -im sorry the back to back "seb has a lack of confidence with the car. and charles' car is not performing" like theyre the same car but you're gonna frame it like its seb's fault but not charles's? mattia choke -at the part where they're explaining the engine controversy--i still stand by wishing they explained it better and EARLIER because i think its much needed context for the first half of the episode too -at the end of the day all i need to know is that seb clearly thought that what ferrari did was wrong, and thats all i need to know if he says so then i believe it!! -the way netflix is trying to tease like ~oh imagine all the different teams he could go to! who wouldnt want him~ is so cheeky but also i NEED to know what this was like live when yall didnt know where he was going i'm JEALOUS i wish i got to be there for it all to unfold -double ferrari dnf at monza must've been crazy to watch live too lmao -seb zigzagging through all the photographers on his bicycle. love him -seb announcing his new seat the same weekend as ferrari's 1000th is crazy ex girlfriend levels of unhinged (pos). like posting ultrasound pics the same day as your ex's wedding type of shit. no one does it like him -sorry im incapable of watching ferrari episodes without writing an essay. hope you enjoyed

ep5: -the great daniel/cyril divorce -i cant remember who said it or where i saw it but when i first got into f1 properly someone talked about how Different things might've been if there hadn't been covid--since the season was delayed, the contract was signed before reneault could have any races with daniel that year--so daniel could only make that decision based off 2019 races -the jump clearly did not work out for him but alpine also went to shit too. but if cyril hadn't left who knows. i think all of daniel's choices make sense honestly!!!! he just got very unlucky -anyway their dynamic is insane and they deserve soooo many more fic than they have!! -"it's probably a bit like being dumped by a girlfriend, but she hasn't moved out of the house yet." christian did eat with this one. unfortunately -i love cyril but him being the one to actually complain about the pink mercedes feels very..... my wife is divorcing me so i'm gonna sue my neighbors over the property line -"i hate those fucking pink cars" oh i need to gif that. i'll be watching and i'll just KNOW like yeah that needs to be in the next gifset -i cant believe i havent mentioned it yet renault colors are the BEST daniel has ever looked i miss having yellow n black on the grid. maybe thats why alpine went to shit they gave up the best color combo they could have

e7: -pierre redemption episode!!! i think this is one of the best episodes ever tbh. very cathartic movie plotline really ticks all the boxes -HI PATRICK -ok but the fact that dts NEVER covered alex's podiums w red bull after milking the shit out of his missed podiums is a hate crime to me personally -onboards going through eau rouge are scary af. -filled with rage at how christian horner chews up new drivers and spits them up (even though its all so predictable at this point. no one will ever live up to the golden boy) -i remember seeing people complain that the williams family leaving wasn't given focus in dts, if anyone has any fun video essays about that i'd love to watch! -i do take issue with will buxton saying "red bull can't admit they made a mistake (with alex)" i think red bull made a mistake with promoting ANYONE too early and expecting too much from them, but not in a pierre v alex way. neither of them were given enough time or support by red bull to flourish. and they lowkey admitted that recently lmao -but it /is/ cathartic to know that red bull have tried to get alex back since then and he doesn't need his toxic ex in his life anymore no thanks ✌️ -i just know i'll LOVE watching this race in full -they set up the suspense so well for the end of the race -and it really is. if carlos had won this race with mclaren, his first win, how different would the trajectory of his career been -ANYWAY theres something that just always gets me about men holding all their emotions in right until they cross the finish line and they finally allow themselves to feel the emotions. (recent example that made me SOB was theo when he won f2) i also love how much it clearly meant to the alphatauri guys in the garage. last time that happened was with seb for torro rosso yeah? so its clearly so so special

#watching 2 more 2day then i'll be caught up!! #dtsrewatch #she speaks

[drenchedcollar]

throwaway poetry

game files collecting dust

waiting to recover the fun

that existed in older times

was a mystery,mostly quiet

was impatient, it got shaky

close to the edge to get crazy

cause it could fall down and

dont want to break it

anxiety inside over the day

still had progression

some parts a bit complicated

that some of it ended,

on a bad note but could always be corrected

until it became too offkey

i tried a change of key

where i found myself lost in,

so i lost it,removed the file

and pressed the off switch

cant believe i was so close in

only realized after the game had been closing

and with it how much all of that meant

i got so far and in the end i wish it to matter

i might be full of regrets

cause it made me lose the save

and i'm loosely afraid

it's impossible to have it fully back

there's no backup, except against the wall

but would never forgive myself

if i didnt at least try to climb back up

thinking of the times i had

wish it couldve it last

did i really gave all my best

nostalgia feeling makes me sad

but they shouldnt cause it was a blast

many moments causing happiness

and the times i spent i never forget

the best time in my life, and i'll never forget

feelings were built, but they became dysphorical

so I'm taking my time to get poetical

a car racing simulation but the adrenaline making

the heart move the fastest

acknowledging i cant steer the wheel

cant bring you over the finish line

cant trap you inside

before there's a horrible crash

there came a better driver

best i've been replaced,

that shows its love to play and finishes first place

still my end goal that'll you make it

and you will be the happiest-

person on earth, deserving after many losses that hurt

the longer no one inserted

the cd and turned on the drive again

motivation kept going in a sine wave

more passed time, until it turned to a flat line

the highest peak followed

by a very steep dropoff

and now i dare to even sneak peek but

never tried a cpr

asking myself if i be enough

was me on a roll cause i played well or was it being luck

and everyday without it i start

to think how one can miss one so much

things i'll never forget shall remain

in the soul somewhere locked

but i'm hiding behind closed doors once more

again outside are built those walls

back to being withdrawn

searching for better cards to be drawn

cause it aint over just because the screen turned gray

i havent reached afterlife, instead after time

i will respawn

dont want it to be a memory that'll fade

make new ones of the ones that shattered

doesnt matter how small the embers

keep it all altogether,wont let the flame die out

reconnect to the game,start a new tryout

remember the good parts, that i want to replay

and the bad parts that were problems will be fixed on the way

choose other paths, some might be the same

new ones are coming, crack the puzzles once unsolved

fill the holes hollowed, gonna take lot of work and it'll go slow

months or years, fight battles i had lost or already conquered

alone but no fear, until there might be a request to be followed

#throwaway poetry

[enderpearlgirl1005]

Years of the Dead

Chapter 2 Viral outbreak

Two days later, Ella was heading to her office for work, she was in a cab that was taking her to her company office. As the cab drove Ella read one of her favorite mystery thriller books. While she was reading the cab driver looked at the rearview mirror and saw the title of the book.

"Hey my sister's a fan of that book series as well." The cab driver said.

"Really? Cool." Ella said as she continued reading.

"Yeah she'd go on and on and on about how amazing it is, how it always leaves her on edge and extra." The Cab driver explained.

"Good for her for having people to talk to about the series." Ella replied seemingly being jealous.

"Hey I'm sure you've got family as well to talk about it with, right?" The Cab driver asked.

"... not really, my parents died in an accident when I was sixteen, and when I entered college my older brother had killed himself." Ella explained sadly, while putting her book down and looking out the window.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. If it's not too personal, what happened with your brother that made him take his life?" The cab driver was curious as to what happened to her brother.

"I honestly don't know, when I was still going to high school he joined a research company. I never asked what they studied as I was occupied with my school life and I didnt want to talk about work with my brother. However after about two years when he joined that company he started acting strange. I sometimes heard him talking to himself in his room saying 'I couldn't believe this' and 'what had I done?'. I never asked what was up as he always acted normal around me and when I tried to bring up the subject of his work he'd change the subject." Ella explained.

"Wow, something really bad must've happened that made him act that way then." The cab driver stated.

"Yeah no shit dip shit!" Ella yelled angrily.

"S-Sorry, I'm not the best with this kind of subject as I've never experienced this before." The cab driver explained timidly, scared of Ella's outburst.

"Ugh it's fine, I-I just wish I knew what happened to him, why he had felt so guilty, and what could've made him take his own life?" Ella asked, still confused about what happened to her brother.

The cab driver remained quiet for a bit, as he thought about what to say to her. He finally got an idea and started speaking again "Hey why don't you try and contact someone who also knew your brother from work?"

Ella looked at the driver like he just grew a second head when he said that. "How do you think that'll help me out?!" Ella asked.

"Well someone at his work could have some idea on what happened to him. You know it never hurts to ask, even if it might be a sensitive topic you might get the answers you're looking for." The cab driver explained and looked back at Ella.

Ella thought about it for a moment, however as she was thinking she looked up a head. She was horrified to see some rando walking into the road without even stopping for the cars.

"HOLY SHIT! WATCH THE ROAD!" Ella screamed at the cab driver.

She shot out of her seat and pushed his face to the road where he saw the person shambling into the road. When he saw them he tried slamming his foot down on the break, but they ended up colliding with the person.

After accidentally hitting the person the cab driver started swerving the car in a blind panic. He tried desperately to not crash into any other cars on the street, however he accidentally drove off the street and into a nearby ditch. The car rolled and the two inside were thrown around in it like rag dolls. Their bones breaking, skin getting cut and bleeding from the impact of shattered glass that was sprayed on them when the windows broke. Ella screamed in pain as she was thrown around the inside of the car. The car soon landed at the bottom of the ditch and all Ella could hear was the ringing in her ears. She then heard people screaming and yelling for an ambulance to be called. Ella tried to move but she was met with a sharp stabbing pain all over her body. Ella let out a scream of agony and passed out from the pain that shot through her along with the excessive bleeding.

Time passed and when Ella barely started regaining consciousness she saw a vision of a hospital. Ella drifted in and out of consciousness for many days, she'd half wake up and then pass out again for days.

One of the days she was up she saw one of her coworkers bringing her flowers and she briefly heard him say "I hope you'll get well soon."

After another few days of being unconscious Ella half woke up again and this time she saw a doctor talking to some strange men.

She heard the doc say "No! You can do this! I won't allow you to take my patients from the hospital! It'll go against every medical rule and out I had taken when I became a doctor!"

She then saw one of the men pull a gun on the doc and threaten "Really? Well then if you don't cooperate then not only will we kill you, but also your precious daughter and son. Do you really want your innocent children to die because you couldn't follow orders?"

The doc fearfully backed away then reluctantly aggrieved to whatever they were talking about. Ella saw the men put his gun away and he ordered something to the other men that were with him. She didn't have time to hear what they had said as she once again drifted out of consciousness.

The next time she barely woke up she saw she was now in a different location, but couldn't tell where as she only saw the ceiling. She then saw two figures dressed in full hazmat suits with some syringes in their hands. The syringes were filled with strange chemicals and Ella had a bad feeling about them.

Despite not fully being awake Ella tried to move her body or even try and make a sound to alert them that she was awake. However her efforts were in vain as her body and brain both weren't up yet so she couldn't move at all. Then one of the hazmat suit figures looked at Ella and saw that her eyes were partly open. After seeing this Ella saw them put the syringes they were holding down. She then saw them seemingly looking for something else, when she saw them holding a new syringe with a liquid that looked like water in it.

The person then leaned in closer to Ella's face and she heard them whisper, "Sorry but we can't have you awake just yet, however you'll be a great help in what we're doing, so just relax you'll only feel a pinch." Their voice had the tone tender loving care that only a mother could ever achieve.

Ella was confused by what they meant, but she didn't have much time to think as she felt a small pinch in her lower arm. Instantly Ella once again fell back unconscious unsure of what was happening to her.

Several months passed since then and Ella finally woke up fully, when she did she saw that she wasn't in the hospital or the same room anymore. Ella saw that the ceiling had a different look to it so that told her she was now somewhere else again. She sat up and groaned while rubbing her head as it felt like her head was crushed with a mallet.

"Ugh my head, w-what on earth happened to me?" Ella asked out loud.

She looked around and saw that she was in a room where the floors were padded and the walls were painted a very light blue. Ella looked down at herself and saw that instead of a hospital gown she had a white tank top and baggy sweatpants.

"Ugh! W-what happened to me? W-where am I?" Ella asked as she rubbed her head again.

She looked around the room again and saw that there was a toilet, sink, shower, and a table in the room. She also saw that there was something sitting on the table, curious Ella tried to stand up but fell on the floor instantly. Ella groaned as her legs felt like jelly after not being used for however long she was out for.

"Ugh! Fuck! Come one Ella! You need to figure out what's going on here!" Ella told herself as she crawled up to the table.

Once at the table Ella reached up and pushed herself back on her feat. She struggled to stand as her legs felt like they were made of noodles and wobbled as such. However, thanks to the table Ella was able to stabilize herself for a bit and she saw that the thing was some kind of document. She picked it up and sat back down on the floor to read what was on it, hoping that it had some answers to what was going on.

It read the following:

"Log date 9/24/2026.

Test subject 84 has yet to regain consciousness.

However DNA analysis has shown promising results. Subject DNA has seemed to react well to the chemicals and solutions injected into the bloodstream. Further testing must be conducted however, before exposure to HAV so as to not cause death to the subject."

After reading the document Ella couldn't help but feel utterly confused by what it meant. Millions of questions were racing through her head right now and she didn't know who would answer them.

However as Ella sat there she felt thirst coming over her so she started crawling up to the sink. After managing to get to the sink Ella grabbed onto it and pulled herself up so she could easily get the water. Once she had fully pulled herself up Ella turned on the faucet and started drinking as if she would die soon. As she drank Ella felt her strength and the feeling in her legs coming back. Soon she was able to stand on her legs normally again, and she didn't have to brace herself on the sink anymore. Soon Ella stopped drinking and turned the water off, now after hydrating herself she felt a lot better than before.

Ella looked at herself in the mirror and was surprised by what she saw about herself now. She now looked like she was about eighteen years old again, and that wasn't all. The color in her eyes was also different now, as they went from sapphire blue to amethyst purple. Her hair was also even longer now showing how long it had been, as it was originally to her shoulders but now it was halfway down her back. Ella touched her face and her skin felt as smooth as a newborn baby and the acne she had was gone as well.

"Wow okay, not going to lie, whatever they did to me, I look good." Ella said as she admired herself in the mirror.

"But I can't stay here and admire myself, I need to find out where I am and what's going on." Ella said as she looked around the room more.

She looked to her bed and saw that there was some slipper underneath the bed. Ella went up to the bed and grabbed the slippers out, she then put them on now covering her bare feet. With her feet now covered Ella looked around the room for any way out of it.

Thankfully she found a door across from her bed so she got up and checked to see if it was locked. To her surprise the door was unlocked and she opened it with ease. Once the door was open Ella saw that while the inside of her room didn't look that secure, the outside was the complete opposite.

She saw that the palace had very high security as it had many computers and the doors were made of the same material used in banks. As Ella looked around she saw that each door had a different number on them, she looked at the other-side of her own and saw it also had a number. The number on hers was 84 which was the same number that was on the document she read not too long ago.

"W-What the hell?! Where am I?! What's going on here!?!" Ella asked all sorts of confused and a bit scared.

She looked around to see if anyone was here, but the place was devoid of all life except for herself. Knowing that just standing around wouldn't help her out, Ella started wandering around the facility to see if she could find someone. As she started making her way around the place she started smelling something rotten. Disgusted by the stench Ella covered her nose and mouth up with her tank top and it did help muffling the smell a bit. However Ella soon found the source of the smell when she turned the corner. To her horror there was a body on the ground that was rotting. When the sight came into Ella's view she stumbled back and horror was written all over her face. She started feeling like that something horrible had happened here and she knew that meant she had to leave ASAP.

So she shot up and ran away from the body as fast as her legs could carry her. As Ella ran she looked around for any signs of life, hoping to find someone who could tell her what happened. She soon bursted through a door thinking that it was an exit but saw that instead it was a lab. However it wasn't in good condition whatsoever, as chemicals, papers, and other material was everywhere. She also saw that the computers and some windows were broken and had blood sprayed on them.

"W-What the fuck happened here?!" Ella asked, her voice filled with fear at the sight.

"H-Hello?" Ella heard a weak and frightened voice call out.

She looked around for the source of the voice, hoping it'd be someone to provide her with answers as to what happened here. As she looked around her eyes soon landed on a figure absorbed in the shadows behind an upturned desk.

Cautious Ella made her way over to the figure as she didn't understand what was happening and she wanted to be careful. The figure suddenly stood up making Ella freeze dead in her tracks. She stood there as the figure walked up to her, feeling like something was about to happen. Ella reached for something she could at least use as a weapon.

However as soon as the figure emerged from the shadows Ella felt a little relief as she saw it was a young man. He seemed to be in his late 20's early 30's, his job tag had 'Junior researcher' written on it. However Ella noticed that his lab coat had some blood stains on it and his hair was a mess, he also seemed to be shaken up and his face had fear written all over his face.

"Um... are you infected?" The man asked cautiously.

"W-What? Infected? What do you mean? What's going on here? Where am I?" Ella asked both scared and confused about everything that was going on.

"W-Wait! Did you come out of a room that had a number on it?" The Man asked.

"Yes? Why is that Important?! I want you to answer me! Not have you ask me questions!" Ella explained, now growing annoyed.

"I-I'm sorry, b-but that's good! T-that means that they weren't able to get to you!" The man exclaimed in relief.

"Get to me?" Ella asked, confused.

"W-Well-" the man was about to explain but the two instantly heard growls and footsteps rapidly approaching.

"We can't talk here! Let's go somewhere more safe!" The man exclaimed in a panic.

He then grabbed Ella by the wrist and dragged her away from the aggressive growls. As he dragged her Ella looked around and saw that the place was wrecked. There was blood sprayed on the walls, windows broken, some items even had blood on them. The items looked like they were used as weapons against something as they had dents and dried blood on them.

Ella's fear became even stronger now, and that rarely ever happened to her. Ella had never been afraid of many things in her life and it had to take a lot of effort to scare her. However the unknown as to what's going on around here and where she was seemed to be enough to make her the most afraid she's been in her life.

The two soon arrived in some kind of safe room and once both of them were through the door the man slammed the door closed. He then started blocking the door with a nearby heavy shelf. The items that were still on the shelf all came tumbling down as it was placed in front of the door and used as a barricade.

"Alright! Now I want answers! Don't make me beat them out of you!" Ella demanded angrily as she grabbed the poor man by the collar of his shirt and lifted him to her face.

"ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! I'LL TELL YOU! JUST PUT ME DOWN!" The man begged as he grabbed at Ella's arm and tried to make her let go.

Ella put the man down and crossed her arms as she waited for an explanation.

"*Sigh* Alright so you're in a human health biology research facility. I can't answer much as I was just a level 1 junior researcher so there were many restrictions to what I could access. However I was told that patients from the hospital would sometimes be brought here. The patients would normally be in a critical condition or would have some kind of lethal disease that doesn't have a cure to it. From what I was told we'd have permission from the patient's parent or guardian to bring them here and be used for our studies. We were trying to create cures for current diseases that don't have cures yet." The man explained.

"What! But I wasn't sick with any disease! I just got into a car accident!" Ella declared as she was confused as to why she'd be brought here.

"What? But from what I heard you did have some disease. I wasn't told what, and I also have your document that was signed by your parents before you came here." The man explained.

He then pulled out papers from his lab coat and showed them to Ella. Ella looked them over and saw that it said her age was 16 but she was really 23 and it had both her parents signature.

"T-This is all false!" Ella exclaimed in fury when she saw the documents.

"What? But it looks pretty real to me." the man stated.

"But it isn't! I'm 23 years old and my parents couldn't have signed this!" Ella explained.

"Why couldn't they? It has their signature right here!" The man responded, confused by Ella's statements.

"Because! My parents are dead! They died in an accident a few years ago! My older brother then became my guardian but he killed himself a few years back! I have no parents or guardian that would have signed this! My other relatives all live out of state so none of them would have signed this!" Ella explained, she felt anger coursing through her veins at this.

Someone had forged documents of her age and her parents signature so she could be brought here. If there was one thing she hated more than anything else in the world, it was fraud. She knows some people who were victims of such crimes and it caused a whole world of mess. Now because of fraud Ella was in a research facility in who knows where and something terrible had happened here.

"Oh god! S-So that means... These were forged!" The man exclaimed as he looked at the documents in shock.

"Yes they were! And whoever made this I'm gonna sue the hell out of them! Hopefully that'll teach them a lesson about fraud!" Ella declared.

"Um... I d-don't think that'll be possible." The man stated.

"What? Why?" Ella asked, her anger tuning into confusion.

"Well there's a huge problem that got out of control. One of the experiments we had down here had failed to an extreme degree and now... people had turned into zombies." The man timidly explained as he feared for Ella's next reaction.

"WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL WHERE THEY WORKING ON DOWN HERE?!" Ella screamed angrily.

"L-Like I said! I don't know! All I know is that it was meant to improve the human body! It was meant to make us faster, stronger, and even allow us to live a little longer by allowing us to physically age slower." The man explained.

"Well looks like you succeeded at that dip shit!" Ella stated sarcastically.

"Hey! Don't blame me, I wasn't even working on it!" The man fearfully responded as he crouched down in fear of Ella.

Before Ella could say anything else the two heard a loud blow to the door. The blow was so intense that the steel metal door was dented in harshly. The man got up and the two started backing away from the door, fearing what was about to come through. Then another strong and loud blow was sent on the door and this time it flew open, causing it and the shelf used to block it to go flying.

Ella and the man ducked the second the blow happened and they felt the wind of the door and shelf flying over their heads. They looked up and were horrified to see a giant deformed creature. It had a human-like shape and most of the body still looked human, but the rest didn't. Its right arm was all muscles and no skin, it had sharp metal like spikes coming out of its shoulder and its fingers. There was also a huge red and yellow eye on its shoulder looking around the room rapidly.

The thing was groaning and Ella couldn't tell if it was groaning just cause it was a zombified monster, or if it was in pain. She thought that what was left of its human face seemed to show what she could only assume was pain. However it was hard to tell as some parts of its face were bloating and that made it hard to identify this thing. Other parts of its body were also starting to gain bloating veins and while Ella didn't know what that meant, something told her she didn't want to find out.

Then more zombies came flooding into the room so Ella and the man got up and started running. The two ran away from the infected for sometime, Ella followed the man as she thought he'd know the place better than her, and she hoped he'd get them out.

After some time of running the two came across an elevator with glass doors. The Man scanned his card on a scanner and it allowed the door to open with ease. Then to Ella's surprise he shoved her inside and put his card into her hands. He then pressed the top floor button and the elevator doors closed, but he didn't get in with her.

"W-Wait! W-What are you doing?!" Ella asked, confused by his actions.

"I'm getting you out of here! You didn't need to be here and my company is the cause of that and this!" The man explained.

"B-But you're not at fault for this!" Ella explained in a panic.

"Yes but, this glass won't be able to hold back the infected! They're much stronger, so I'm gonna lead them away while you get out of here! My card is all you need! Once you're at the top floor all you have to do is go out through the fire exit! It'll be on your left side once you get out of the elevator!" The man explained.

"B-But what about you!?" Ella asked worried as he didn't do anything wrong, it was his company.

"I'll be honest, I'd rather die as a hero then live as a coward. I want to do something good with my life, and I thought this company would let me. But after learning what you just told me, I realized that I wasn't doing good. So I feel like this is my way of saying sorry, and letting others know that there were good people in my company. I wish you the best Ella! And please once you're out! Live your life for me!" The man requested.

Ella only stood and watched in shock and horror as the man backed away. She watched him call out to the zombies and run away, with the horde chasing after him. Ella felt a burning sensation in her eyes and then salty tears started streaming down her face as she watched the scene leave her sight when the elevator went up.

She looked at the card the man gave her and saw that his name was Arthur Calmen. Ella started crying as she hugged it and thanked Arthur for saving her life. She then got up and whipped off the salty wet tears from her face.

"Alright Arthur! I'll live just as you wanted me to! Thank you for saving me, even if I wasn't that nice to you during the little time we spent together. You were a good man, and I'm going to live just like you asked. I'll escape and see how far this has spread, once I do I'll make my next plan." Ella declared with a stern and determined look on her face.

#blood #gore #horror-thriller #immunity #infected #post-apocalyptic #survival #virus #zombie #zombieapocalypse #zombieoutbreak #zombiesurvival

[mybloodyfamousprophets]

full disclaimer if you know me you aren't reading this. you don't know who this is about.

we were having fun, in the summer sun,

we were both in love but it wasn’t us,

you talked to her for months, i loved him once before, when i was still with him, i knew my heart for sure,

but i just tossed him away, you’re nowhere to be seen, reaching for my phone, cause think you’re calling me, but no!

Jane, where did you go? and whyd you feel i didn’t have to know? why jane are you running? oh i just wish you’d text or call or something, but you’re with her and you’re happier, and I’m without, mind is lost no doubt

back before the masks, we were skipping class, sophomores getting bored, we were moving fast,

i met you in the west, we saw a film and laughed, that old arcade was cash, comedy on snap,

give a knock out punch with your left fist, i know you could pin me down with the right kick,

i thought you were the right guy, had you on my mind, open eyes, for that hockey boy, brown hair blue eyed, we were walking in the snow when the dream died,

you looked me in the eye, said you didn’t like guys, i was about to cry, let you be, took a while to be fine, got you off of my mind, no one really cares if you lied, two years later saw you on the street "hey i'm bi", leave me stranded, seen, disappear with no goodbye, so

Jane, where did you go? and whyd you feel i didn’t have to know? and could i tell you something? i'm waiting for your call and hearing nothing, but i know you’re with her, you’re much happier and I’m getting lost, soul saved at what cost?

on a friday summer night, you and your girl were here, she was feeling sick cus she drank too many beers,

held her by the hand and walked her to the car, said you were her man and you'd never go too far,

your girlfriend headed home, you laid down in my room, you stayed and watched a film, viktor bout and his doom,

i think back to then, i made a good choice, i couldve had you then if i was a bad boy,

you laid by my side on my tight little bed, pillow so soft where you placed your head, under covers with me the lights are all red, no space for three, things i never said, if this was today i'd do something i regret, you can't lose it all and fuck up what's left, cling to a memory this won't happen now, you're happier with her and i'm barely here now

~

moonlit cinema filled my room in, your last excuse to be close to me, boring shows you sleep on my body, skin to skin your arms too touchy,

know that it's wrong but i knew you were longing, waited too long didnt see her coming, i still had my soul let your advances go, but if this happened today i wouldn't say no, least that night you wanted me, if i said i didn't too i'd be lying

but that night we made our partners go, you really wanted to be alone, trains not running so you stay the night, but that's not what i saw in your eyes,

i wonder what you would've done to me, four blue eyes sun in pisces, both taken but you weren't dating me, sexual tension wasn't make believe, can't trust instinct but i see what i see,

don't lie to me like lying men, like when you said you felt nothing then, that's not true, i know what i saw, play me more so the harder i'll fall, your touch is electric so give me a shock, staying the night i'll blow off your socks!

~

but let’s be off the books, i could your experiment, no record no CD, no CCTV,

no camera the second you kissed me, and now i write about what could've been, while you made out with her on halloween, and i was drunk at that house party, ex put his hands all over me, liqour just made me feel empty, hands on my body electrify me, but his touch defiled me,

~

so you walked out the door, but what if you didn't? stayed in the sheets, feelings i was missing, past self had a prophetic vision,

i wanna make mistakes tonight, while you're in this room you're mine, no one'd know of our love crimes, troubled feelings of delight,

and if you would've stayed the world could've changed right there, branded and labelled but no, i wouldn't care, i would run my hand through your jet black hair, and you'd touch my body everywhere, cause i know desire when i see it, fire behind your eyes you feel it, regret on your face i see it, inhibition had you reeling, we couldn't leave our boyfriends tearing, you decided you were leaving,

thought you were camping, your tent pitched, so hard, dreaming together but we're sleeping apart, you're on my couch, take your briefs off, you're breathing, breathe you in, im california dreaming,

i had a messy dream of what couldve been, a story time world where we both were free, free to feel your arm strong grip on me, and you know that touch is my life's meaning, and i know you like that warm feeling im giving you feel me, you lock eyes with me, you take your hands, you hold me now, lift up your shirt, i pin you down, i shift your gears, put you in drive, flip me around give you a ride, got enough diesel to last all night, going rounds 2, 3, 4, 5, no half truths just naked minds, know that you’ll never be mine

i got with him when you got with her, taste of that thought makes me bitter, a year and a half wasted on sinner, type he wanna cheat on me with the phone i gave him, i dont know why i stayed with him,

if i had no regrets then i would be lying, back to the start, the one i was eyeing, i noticed you first on the very first day, wish i told you what i really had to say, and you changed!

but you've only aged like a fine wine, too bad truly i can't make you mine, i know that you're happy and im not holding out, but if anything happened i'd give you my time cause you give a good hug, a good laugh, a good cry, i wish you were still just a friend of mine, i wont go low for a taken man but god you're a prize that i'd cheat to have, if you ever crop her out of your story, give me a shout and say that you’re sorry, thoughts of you, no habit of mine, one song for you, choke on every line, you don't talk to me now but i hold out some hope, want you close and if you came back my doors never closed, ring my phone pick up hello, meet you there i'm about to go,

feels a little wrong to write this verse, the words taste best when they hurt the worst, its on my mind and ive been thinking, mask it out by a little drinking, but why didn't i get to you first, stuck with him and it left me cursed, and i sure know you aren't perfect, but i'd try and make it worth it, doing all this pointless yearning, you're happy and i'm here burning, smoke fills up a cloud of desire, as i step in to your fire