#i wish i had more energy to engage more but i really just. i’ve got a lot to deal with mentally and sometimes it’s harder to be active

[dailyadventureprompts]

Drafting the Adventure: Dungeons Without Walls

I love the idea of dungeons, but there was a significant portion of my life as a DM where they didn’t feature in my games. While Pathfinder and 5e provided a great framework for character building and tactical skirmishes that I could build story on top of, neither was really great when it came time to detour into a  dungeon. My players tended to get confused when we headed out to plunder the local ruin or cave system, spending a lot more time figuring out where they were and what they should be doing than actually doing anything. 

The problem as it turned out was limited information.  I had a picture of the dungeon in my head/notes but I couldn’t telepathically infer that to the party, and the back and forth questions where they tried to orient themselves within my mental labyrinth ate up a lot of session time prevented us from attaining that snappy pace that every table needs to keep the players invested.

Recently though I had an epiphany about overhauling exploration in d&d, and wrote up a whole post detailing how you could build and run wilderness adventures the same way you could a heist or a murder mystery. Because I was already writing a series about dungeon design it didn’t take long for me to realize that this exploration overhaul was 100% applicable, and could solve a lot of the delay and confusion my players usually faced on their next trip underground.  Spoilers: it worked amazingly.

 The key to this overhaul was giving my players enough information to see the dungeon as a sort of abstract checklist, and then giving them the power to investigate and check things off that list in whatever order they wished, when they enter a new level of the dungeon they get a new checklist to fill out which still keeps that sense of exploration. Folk love checking things off lists, and I as a dungeonmaster love it when players engage with the content I’ve spent so much energy creating even if it’s only poking their head in the door to realize they want to run away as fast as possible. Likewise, designing the dungeon this way let me tackle much larger concepts without having to sweat the details of filling up every little room as I would have to in map-centric design.

To summarize my exploration mechanic as It applies to dungeons:

During Design: After you’ve got the dungeons’ major concept, you divide it into unique “zones” (essentially what might be levels in a regular dungeon) with an interconnected theme, mechanic, or threat.

Each zone has a number of points of interest, which can be anything from trails to follow, odd sights they might investigate, to full complexes of rooms that you’ve mapped out. You don’t need to map out the points of interest otherwise, they sort of float abstractly within the zone 

When players enter a zone, they become aware of its name and general descriptor, as well as how many total points of interest are in that zone. They also become aware of some points of interest immediately to serve as landmarks and give them a direction for their exploration, but most remain undiscovered until they venture off the path and start checking out their surroundings. Hidden among these points of interest are the doors that lead to zones deeper within the dungeon, encouraging the party to explore in order to progress.

During Play: When the players enter the dungeon, one player is appointed as the surveyor, who’s job it is to keep track of the zones, fill out that checklist, and check things off when the DM tells them that they’ve fully explored a point of interest.

Rather than needing to be aware of the exact room layout, the party just need to know what zone they’re in and what options are available to them, Because this information is delivered in the form of a checklist with empty spaces, the party know exactly how much of the dungeon they’ve explored, what’s left to explore, and when they’ve cleared out an area.

Lets take the image above as inspiration. Say the party is trying to make it up to the tower, you can easily see a progression of zones and maybe imagine a few to go alongside them:

Ruins & Foothills: The first area, filled with the remnants of an ancient civilization. Picked over by looters and now a home to all sorts of wildlife,

Mountainside: The obvious next goal, but locked off behind a challenging climb, Filled with hazards that threaten to knock the party back down to the foothills if they’re not careful

Caverns: Secret area accessible only if the party explore a cave on the mountainside, or make a beeline towards the old aqueduct landmark in the foothills, realizing it might be easier than the climb. 

Spire Foundations: The door connecting to the foothills is guarded by a complex puzzle and arcane ward, but the party might be able to sneak in through the caves where erosion has caused a breakthrough into the cellars.

Spire Peak: High among the clouds, the party’s prize is somewhere here.  Access to the upper sections of the tower are guarded by a territorial sphinx under arcane compulsion, though the party might just be able to skip that fight if they figure out the riddle to make the portal mirrors work in the foundations.

Trying to design all this by pencilling it in on a gridmap would take weeks, to say nothing of the headache it’d cause you trying to make things fit together and fill up empty space with content. Designing it first as a sequence of zones and then filling those out with interesting fights, puzzles, and encounters is the work of an afternoon or two. Likewise, its easy on your players: five zones with six to ten points of interest is far easier to tackle when you can make a checklist and see how much progress you’ve made, despite the fact that the area they’re exploring is quite vast. 

I hope you find this as useful as I have, and if you need a more concrete example of how it might work, don’t worry, I’ll have one of those for you in the coming days.

#dungeon design #dnd #dungeons and dragons #d&d #5e #dm advice #dm tip #dm tips #dm tools #writing advice #pathfinder #ttrpg #homebrew #5e homebrew #homebrew mechanic #exploration

[pop-punklouis]

Lunch with Louis experience + LONGER SONG DETAILS:

Hiiiii. Okay, I’m sitting at the airport at 5 AM. Just dropped my friend off, so i’m ready to write up the experience and have it queued to post later while i’m sleeping for eternity ✨

My friend and I got there early, and we met up with a few of the fans that i was in a group chat with for the lunch. it ended up being such a wonderful experience, because a few of us just rallied around each other and made it feel like such a safe and encouraging space— especially for fans who were more anxious. One of them won and came from south america and she was the sweetest, but she was incredibly nervous so we tried to support her as best we could to take her nerves away. but the love that radiated from our group was some of the best energy i’ve been around in a fan setting in a long time, and it definitely made the experience even more meaningful and fun.

anyways! when we got in, so much of the staff were louies. the hostess, the photographer, and a few of the waitresses were fans, and one of them had on a really cool louis-inspired cardigan. her and i gushed over each other’s jackets before our group made it upstairs. we all got to sit at tables and order whatever food and drink we wanted, and our group was able to all sit together. i ordered a vodka cran, because i was sweating it friends. i needed the liquid courage because it was setting in that all of this was actually happening. so, we were all sipping on our drinks and holding hands and playing off each other’s energy. i had the privilege to sit in the perfect sight of the back door (a sliver of view in between the banner they put up to cover the lounge that louis and his team were inevitably going to occupy), so i was able to keep a look out and see when he actually arrived. we also had passed this napkin around the entire room with people speculating what he was going to wear, and it was funny because the radio interviewer mentioned it once the show started, and louis thought it was funny and called the room out on it.

so, when it finally started, and he came out from behind the banner… it was surreal because he was just. right there ya know? and he looked great in his tommy hilfiger long-sleeve. he looked so soft and sleepy 🤧 but knowing he was THERE? was a lot to take in. i was surprised with how well Gino (the radio DJ) did with interviewing louis. he asked some great questions that louis was super engaged with, and they recorded it so i’m hoping they post that and the fan Q&A soon. after the interview is when he hopped back to the lounge and we went straight into the listening party which was. pure insanity. from the very moment written all over your face came through the speakers, i got up and took a couple of my friends with me and started dancing. then the rest of our group from the right two tables quickly followed and our group was just dancing and grooving. our reactions together were so fun and warm. i wish the whole room got up, but it was just us unfortunately. being able to experience new louis music with fans who adore louis and are that excited for his upcoming album was incredible. it was an experience and a memory i’ll take with me for a long time (it also helped loosen up all of our nerves which was nice). both krystle and oli were looking over at us from the lounge and had the biggest smiles on their faces ✨ and the station took so many snapshots of us dancing so i’m also hoping they post those soon.

*longer details about the songs*

Written all over your face: a mixture between grunge-rock and pop-punk. the guitars were absolutely insane. such a fast heat, and it hits you immediately from the moment it starts. it has such a sass punk edge to its chorus, and that’s what made me headbang so hard that both of my earrings came out lol. you guys are not ready for this song in particular. she's the main character of this era 1000% pop punk princess! it has a rowdy-rough energy offering a pop-rocks-like sizzle. it’s difficult not to imagine the absolute charge this song will have in a live setting. an anthemic track that rattles about with such an air of confidence both in sound and in vocal tone. for anyone who listens to the maine, this song 1000% feels like it could fit perfectly into their American Candy album era. that’s the best description i can give.

face the music: the heat only grows as we slip into this song. as i said yesterday, this one was heavily influenced by the early pop-punk, alt-rock scenes. it’s a much more condensed and slicker version of written all over your face. while WAOYF is rough and jagged, this song is tighter in production. the bridge is such a shining moment in this song. it has infectious chants that settle into bands such as reliant k, jimmy eat world, all-american rejects, the nothing personal era of all time low, and even english bands such as blur. the “WHOA WHOA WHOAs” that build right before the last chorus had us all absolutely barking and racing around each other to build up energy.

saturdays: from the moment this one came on, we just did a little group huddle and swayed together throughout its runtime. it’s definitely a sadder track. as i mentioned yesterday, it’s one of the best if not the best ballad he’s ever written. it has a very laidback feel. his vocals and harmonies with himself shine bright throughout this song. the bridge of the saturdays has such a soaring quality to it, and i wish i could understand or pay attention to more lyrics throughout the whole listening portion but we were having so much fun just living in the moment of it all. the only one i remember vividly from this one is: “saturdays used to take the pain away” which ends the chorus. it’s melancholic and nostalgic. i think this song transcends its surface meaning once you really get into the meat of it, and it could be about so many things both externally and internally. excited to hear how everyone interprets the song.

all this time: another laidback tune, but it has such a resistive melodic undertaking. fuzzy synths, mellow charm, wavier feel. it has the influence of 2015 tame impala, and it just feels right to listen to it on a night drive, wind whipping through your air, friends in the passenger seats singing along. it has a very ambient, chill wave foundation. definitely one of the tracks louis talked about implemented more dance-like elements to. and it fits perfectly in that indie-electronica arena.

when it comes to the departure from walls, FITF so far feels more deconstructed. it isn’t slick. it isn’t perfectly packaged. the colors are meant to bleed, the scissor lines purposefully jagged, and the lyrics raw. it doesn’t stand out for its polished appeal like walls does. it stands out for being everything opposite— everything red hot and haphazard and gritty. it’s louis musical mind and influences all packed into the four songs we got to listen to, and if this is just a taste of the record…. i cannot imagine what it feels like to listen to in whole.

(gonna try and make the rest of this quick) so! afterwards, we all sat back down and louis came back out and the fan questions began. the DJ had us write down our questions and then give them to him so he could shuffle through and pick some of the best to ask. i wrote mine the night before so i just gave him my sheet of ten questions djfjfkfk but the very moment they sat down to do the Q&A, the DJ goes “okay so the very first question comes from Hope.” and he looked for me, so i stood up and pointed at myself, and they both looked over. then he continues, “and she has to be like an investigative journalist or something because she wrote down a whole list of questions” and i said “i’m a music journalist gino!!!!” which made both of them laugh.

but the moment louis saw me he immediately was like “i LOVE your jacket” and i got so excited i twirled around real fast to show the back and he giggled and said “oh you’re doing a twirl for me.” but the thing about the jacket is that i wasn’t right at the very front of the tables, so there was no way he could see it to even know it was inspired by him/his album. i’m assuming someone from his team had to have walked by while we were dancing or listening to the first interview and saw it (because both matt and oli walked around a little bit during that time), and then told him about it (or maybe he peered out from where the lounge was and saw) because there truly was no way??? which is just 🤧 anyways, when he heard i was a music journalist, he turned his chair and attention straight towards me and raised his eyebrows. he was all like “oh really?? that’s awesome wow hi there” and then gino asked one of my questions (which was “what was the first song you wrote for the new album” and he said it was a great Q and he went into the details but ultimately stated it was probably chicago) but after he answered, he looked intently again at me and said “all the luck with music journalism really hoping for the best for you on that path” (or something like that) with such a wide smile and i wanted to just die on the spot because???? 🥹 i cant remember his exact thoughts with everyone’s questions but they were all really good, so i hope they recorded that part and it gets posted soon.

then for the m&g portion ✨👐🏼 we went up in pairs, so both my friend alex and i went up together (she was my +1), and they were like “okay everyone needs to hurry to keep this rolling” and we both just. ignored them LMFAO and had our individual moments with louis. i went straight in for the hug the moment we locked orbs, and he hugged so tightly. he smelled like cashmere and vanilla, and i think the only reason i smelled a bit of stale cigarette smoke is because my head was in the crook of his neck when we hugged since my arms wrapped around his neck. and for everyone who stated how much of a calming presence he was :( it’s definitely true. i felt so calm even coming up to him. but! i immediately was like “i’m going to try and make this quick, but i have something i need to tell you” and so that’s where in my photos you see him start intensely engaging with me as i’m speaking. basically what i said was: “back in 2020 when walls came out, i was feeling super uninspired and burnt out as a writer. but when i was able to listen and review your album, it helped me fall back in love with writing about music again so i wanted to thank you for creating an album that brought back that purpose for me” and he looked so thoughtful and appreciative. he said: “Oh really? Whoa, that’s— that means so much to me to hear my album helped you find your love for music writing again.” and then i went on to say: “when the review was posted, it got such an overwhelming response for my independent publication that it helped us pay our staff consistently for the first time ever which is still part of the reason we can pay our staff the way we do 3 years later. so wanted to thank you in person for creating music that helped me as a writer and helped one of the last truly independent music sites stay kicking” and he was just. like he truly was 🧿🧿 but with 🥺 and that’s where in my last photo you see him touch his chest and state how much that meant to him, how it moved him, and he was so happy to be told that. then he and alex had a great interaction because she brought him an atlanta football jersey which he went bananas over and he loved it and her. so we just had such a great time ❤️‍🩹 so then i asked if i could hug him while we took our photo and he said “sure love go for it” which 🫶🏼🥲

but then it was over, and we all left and sat on the ground and had a little crying moment together as a community over meeting louis and hugging louis lmao like after-experience processing was a wild time. our group then went to go eat and gush about it all together, and it was just such a loving and unforgettable experience. from him to the fans i became closer with…. i couldn’t have asked for a better day like yesterday was genuinely one of the best if not the best days of my life, and i’m going to try and ride this high for the rest of the year. because so much shit has happened this year that has made things unbearable, but yesterday felt like the universe was giving me a warm but tight hug and i cannot ever thank her enough for the opportunity ✨💕

[elialys]

hey. as a fellow writer from niche fandoms and unpopular ships, can i just say i really appreciate you being upfront about how much lack of engagement sucks. really thank you. especially because it comes from someone like you who has a fair amount of engagement, but you know what? you’re right being pissed. i know i am. i come from fandoms where people are constantly yapping about lack of content yet none of them engage w/ each other. i ended up leaving bc i felt like i was screaming to a wall. and you know what? i haven’t stopped writing, just posting. bc why bother? so yeah, i AM writing for myself, and also keeping it from myself. idc if that’s petty honestly, like no, it doesn’t make me feel any better if someone out there might end up liking it one day if they’re being completely silent about it. fandoms aren’t supposed to be one-sided. i’m fine w people not reading my stuff cause they don’t like it. you can straight up tell me you hate my ship and i will be like. cool 👍 but when people do read and like your stuff and yet never say anything, that’s something that i don’t like

anyway sorry for rambling, know that you’re much appreciated. i remember you from my doctor who days and i wish i were in your fandoms so i could keep reading your stuff. ❤️

For the longest time I didn’t say anything because I realize that in a lot of cases, I’ve had what you’d call great engagement, and I’ve always been so thankful for the love my stories have received throughout various fandoms. But the decline is STEEP these days, and I have the hindsight of having been writing/sharing fics online for two decades, so I have a lot of 'data' to compare these days’ numbers to.

That’s the thing that has always gotten to me. NUMBERS. Being so, so aware of how many people click on our fics, and how few of them actually engage with a comment. Even at my most “popular”, I didn’t get more than 5% of my readers interacting with me; it felt like a lot because I had a lot of readers, so it meant more comments, but it still was only 5%.

Like you said, it’s this knowing that people are reading, that they are coming back chapter after chapter, yet they don’t bother engaging with us, even when most of us basically BEG in author notes for them to comment and make us feel less like word spewing machines and more like creative members of their online community. What really got to me this last month was updating my fic for The Last of Us, a chapter that got 1,000 hits in two weeks, and I got 10 comments for it. I was just…how the fuck are 1,000 people reading and only 10 of them bothering? Especially since that fic had averaged 3 times that amount of comments for months on previous chapters.

Every time I get disheartened by the increasingly shitty reader engagement, I tell myself that’s it, I’m done writing fics. But then I always go back to it a few days later because I actually LOVE writing fics. Like, fuck yeah, I do write for myself and actually enjoy it for myself (in a love-hate kind of writing relationship obviously 🤣). I do it because I am in love with the characters I’m writing about, and fascinated by their dynamics and relationships, so it’s genuinely a THRILL, and my biggest passion.

But the abysmal engagement these days is just…it makes me feel like shit, there’s no other word for it. Because I spend so much time and energy on those stories (because I want to and I LOVE to write), but as a fic writer, there’s always this part of me that’s excited to be SHARING it with the fandom. Because twenty years of this have gotten me used to at least some decent interaction, and feeling like I'm part of a community. But then the hit count goes up and the comment count stays low or nearly empty, and it’s just gutting. People just consume, consume, consume.

Honestly, GOOD ON YOU for still writing while deciding not to share with your niche fandom at the moment. I’m thinking I might do the same with the rest of my Tess & Ellie AU, because I want to see it through and finish it for ME, but I’m done spoon-feeding an apathetic crowd. I’ll reach out to my most loyal readers and regular commenters when the day comes, and give them a way to read the rest of the story, might even just post the chapters straight on my blog here like I used to do, but not on AO3, not for a goooooood while.

Maybe it is petty, maybe I am just butt hurt. But fuck it, it does hurt my feelings, and I’m the one spending hours of my life writing those things, so I’ll do it my way. And I will continue to call readers out, and ask them to step up. We are human beings, not chatGPT, we just want some appreciation for sharing our art.

#fic comments #ao3 comments #another big ramble xD #not apologizing #anonymous

[artist-issues]

You inspire me to read into my soul. And what I find frightens me. I know no one has it figured out completely, but man, most people seem more loving than I am. They don't need to try. Sacrifice is second nature. I wish I could love like that, but I am all too willing to express my grievances instead of swallowing them, and I justify it to myself as "oH i'M kEePiNg MySeLf FrOm BeInG rEsEnTfUl." I do what I want. I sing quietly as I go through my day and I play the piano while waiting for orchestra to start. I get a bit snippy with my mom for suggesting I pick a popular thing to do at a talent show instead of something I personally like that's too niche. I'm too easily irritated with my dad in general. Sure, I offer people the last amount of any remaining ice cream or mango balls or HI-CHEW or whatever, and I'll take off my hairtie to give to an engineering group that has to tie a water balloon but lacks rubber bands, and I'll do chores when my parents want and don't usually express annoyance at being interrupted. But overall, I fail at sacrifice where it matters and I don't protect people from myself where I best could. How do you do it? You seem like you do it and you do it well. Yeah, we're all just choosing the good without actually being good, but you seem to choose it fairly often.

I really don’t. I promise I don’t. I’m not naturally self-sacrificial. I talk about it a lot, but anyone can talk about it. The real test is when it’s time to stop writing on your blog and start looking up, engaging the people around you in meaningful conversation, asking them about their lives and giving up your time and energy to serve them.

I’m not a self sacrificial person. Jesus Christ is self-sacrificial. Anytime I genuinely sacrifice something that I could’ve had for the sake of others, it’s because He’s doing it for me, and giving me the strength to choose it.

“For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the working out of the good is not.”

The only person who can change you right down to the bedrock of all your motives is Jesus. Anybody can type about it on tumblr. But only Jesus can help you actually do it.

The answer to the question “how do you do it?” Is “you can’t.” Not on your own. You’re a human. Humans are monsters, naturally. We didn’t used to be at the dawn of the planet, but we are now. But the God of the Bible can teach you how, and when you can’t put His lessons into practice, He’ll help you do it. Like a dad basically carrying a child while “teaching them to walk.” The dad does all the work. If you’ve given your life to God, you agree with Him about your inability to be self-sacrificial on your own. Then you ask Him to help change you. Then you do what He says to do, even if you don’t feel like it. And He’ll handle the rest. Christians call it “believe, confess, repent, step out in faith.” But that’s basically what it is. That’s all I’ve got for you: He’s all you need.

(also tell your engineering group that they can tie water balloons without rubber bands, you just need like a pencil or a thin stick or a pinky finger if your fingers are very skinny, and then you can tie it like you would normal balloons. )

#Christianity #my one comfort both in life and death #thanks for sharing some of your life and personal struggles with me #and thanks for the compliments even if they’re misplaced

[eneiryu]

do you have any tips for people who want to start writing/posting works, but don't know where to start?

I’ve been mulling it over since I got your ask, and I think I have come up with a few things:

- Start small, not just in length but in concept. Plotting out fics in such a way that all the threads get satisfactorily tied up at the end, and things don’t feel rushed or dragged out or forgotten about, is a skill. I find it much, much easier to pick one single core concept, and build a whole, detailed story around that, than to successfully keep several metaphorical plates in the air. For example, with my last fic: I wanted Theo to convince himself he had to leave BH after the series finale, and then for him and Liam to run into each other years later, and end up having that explosive resolution. I could have felt like I needed to write all the in-between, or even the after, but really I didn’t. To steal a piece of writing advice I heard from someone else, ask yourself if you’re writing the most interesting parts of your character’s life/story, and if the answer is no, try stopping and writing that. Conveniently enough, that also usually ends up being the more fun parts to write. And, eventually—you’ll get to the point where writing out the epics is much, much easier.

- OUTLINE. Seriously, outline everything. If you have an idea, even if you don’t have any idea where it goes or anything other than the first sentence or summary? Write it down. Write it down immediately. You will forget things if you try to save it for later. My phone is full of incomprehensible chunks of stories, but that is how I get to comprehensible stories. And outlining honestly makes things so much easier. If I have an outline, I very rarely get “stuck.” I know what happens next, and it’s so much easier to thread the different moments together, than to sit there staring at an intimidatingly blank page, and feel like I need to come up with everything.

- Don’t worry about titles and summaries and tags until the story is actually done, and don’t stress yourself out trying to come up with the perfect one. I come up with my titles on the fly. One of the most talented fic writers I’ve ever come across has one-word titles, usually just some kind of noun (does the fic take place in an arena? The fic is tilted “Arena.”).

And, honestly, most importantly?

- Write for yourself, and for the fans that you have, not the fans that you wish you have. It’s so tempting to judge how “successful” you were at a story by how many comments or reblogs or likes you get, but my experience has been that there are so many stories, and so many posts, and so many different tastes and styles and whatever, that being “popular” in fandom is a mythical and almost impossible thing to achieve. Some of my favorite stories I’ve written are the ones that received the least notice, comparatively. I have made so many friends and have come to have a group of readers who names and pseuds and comments I genuinely remember and appreciate, because they show up again and again and take the time to leave the comments, or the reblogs, or the likes. They engage, with me and with the work that I do genuinely spend hours or my time and energy on, and having a handful of those readers show up in one of my stories, even if it doesn’t hit the same “mark” as some of my others? That’s a damn good day, right there.

Okay just kidding, one more:

- Have fun. Writing is seriously so much work, and it’s hard, and a lot of the time, it may feel like you’re shouting into the void. So you’ve got to write the things that you enjoy, that you want to see in the world, and then you’ve got to go put it into the world. If you’re having fun, your readers will know it and respond to it. And if you’re having fun, well, then—you’re having fun, aren’t you? 😊

#eneiryu ask

[dekusleftsock]

I think if hori wrote toga better more people would like her but he hardly gives a shit about her so her story and personality and thoughts are messy (as in badly written) and nonsensical. I wanna like her but you have to do a lot of leg work to make her interesting and worth the time and love, Hori doesnt love her enough to but a lot of effort into her, unlike the other two male villains who he wont shut up about. Togas always just been (for me personally) an underutilized, underdeveloped waste of what could have been a cool idea. The Anti-toga people are not unfounded in most of their criticisms (MOST), shes the only seemingly queer person and of course shes a lustful blood sucking pervert psycho murderer with no real depth.

(btw you are more than welcome to both ignore this and LOVE toga I am not saying for you shes not worth the time or energy, this is just me reflecting on her and how hori has treated her, i appreciate and value fanon and the effort fans will put into loving her, thats so cool and based, im glad you can find joy in something like that, for people who like her- I wish she was cared for by her writer 💕)

Uh… what I see or believe isn’t fanon broski.

Look Horikoshi has always had a problem of pushing aside the women in his series, the worst of this case has ALWAYS been ochako. Do I think that’s because he wanted to write a gay love story? Yeah, I do. Does that make it okay? Absolutely not. I will be the first person to shout from the rooftops that horikoshi does not write women as well as he should. He has fan service abundant, he makes crude jokes using women that really aren’t all that funny, he’s pushed aside his women and their moments in order to forward bkdk’s development.

But you can absolutely not come into my ask to tell me that she is an, “underdeveloped wasted idea”. Because she’s just fucking not.

People think toga is just “the blood sucking bisexual who likes animals too”, but she’s just fucking not. That’s never been her defining trait or character.

Toga is a subversion of the yandere trope. That sadly means there will always be misogynistic rhetoric because that’s what the trope is. At least BEFORE the subversion happens, which is now! Where Ochako DOESNT FIND HER CREEPY!

She’s going to be creepy and weird and have issues because she’s a villain. She’s a queer villain. Her entire story is one that defies the tragedy of carmilla and refuses to let her identity be anything but “Himiko Toga”. She has always been a character about identity. She’s never been “possessive” or “jealous” over Izuku for this purpose. It’s the reason why she’s bisexual, why she just “has an attraction to blood”. It’s a queer story wrapped in metaphor and it always has been. Why is THIS monster/villain queer story any worse than, idfk, the joker and Batman. I haven’t found a single person able to genuinely voice that to me in a way that is convincing! Horror and unconventional ways of love and ESPECIALLY blood has always always ALWAYS been a part of queer coded stories for a LONG TIME. We are the unconventional. We always have been. And that’s not me “bending over backwards” HER PARENTS LITERALLY CALL HER A DEVIANT AND SHE ASKS WHY NO ONE ELSE STRUGGLES WITH THE URGES SHE DOES.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll fucking say it again, Toga is horikoshi’s most well written and thought out female character. Ochako got kicked over and over again, same with momo, Tsu, Mina, and whoever the fuck else.

And I’m sorry, but writing a queer villain inspired by the lesbian vampire trope isn’t homophobic or bad writing.

She’s HAD depth. Idk if you read her backstory or her feelings on Ochako, twice, hawks, or even Izuku but she’s HAD depth. And I’m tired of pretending she hasn’t.

Normally I wouldn’t engage with shit like this but you reached out to me DIRECTLY. So let me make this clear: you can have whatever opinions you want on toga, and I will not get angry or express anger in any sort of way. But this account? This is not your fucking space and I will ABSOLUTELY meme on you for it.

#togachako #got a little heated there silly me #togaocha #togaraka #sock rages #maybe that should be a new tag just for me

[thisisadonaldduckblognow]

i wish i had the energy and eloquence to fully and properly get into the family therapist mikey thing tbh it’s so hard to just. explain what i MEAN. 

(ftr i am an adult who does regularly touch grass. i understand interpretation and ymmv on characterization. i understand the catharsis of vent art and vent fic and projecting issues onto characters to process them. i don’t read through stuff i’ve found issues with and then seethe about it, i keep scrolling or hit the back button and find something else. 

i am still gonna talk about trends i’ve noticed and things that i don’t get or that rub me the wrong way. please don’t come into my posts about my personal thoughts and opinions to, however well-meaning or politely, judge me for expressing them. consider doing what i do and keep scrolling. i won’t engage with that. i would ask that no one else engages with that in replies or comments.

i also legit don’t Get tone indicators just ftr. they elude me.)

bc so much of the draxum moral realignment stuff was mikey being motivated largely by what mikey wanted. he wanted to see barry as family, he wanted barry to become part of the family, he wanted the story of their mutation to be less uh. objectively crummy.

now, mikey’s wants in that area served as a CATALYST for other development, him pursuing that (often very hamfistedly and despite many objections) wound up paving the way, but it was ultimately in the spirit of his personal desire. which ftr im not criticizing that’s very much part of the character.

he brought draxum to the big hidden city day out because it was a Family Event and he personally considered draxum family. splinter and draxum kinda coming to a truce, splinter reconciling that his mutation (despite the horrific trauma and long-lasting impact of it) was still what gave him his sons who he loves more than anything, that was all splinter and draxum. mikey’s action of bringing barry along was a catalyst, he was able to speak to his own feelings about it to splinter when it came up, but he wasn’t sitting there going “tell me how that makes you feel and we’ll talk through it” yknow?

and it’s the same with the dr feelings thing with donnie, which is arguably as close to Playing Therapist as mikey gets on screen. bc that was just a very Extra way of confronting donnie about the shelldon stuff. like. that was mikey inserting himself into the situation so he could give his personal opinion about how donnie was messing up, just with a sweater and a powerpoint. like. an intervention i guess. if donnie hadn’t gotten the picture from the slides he was probably all lined up for a dr delicate touch meeting.

which like, was also not being donnie’s therapist as much as a once again very hamfisted way of addressing something that mikey felt in the right about?

i’m wondering if maybe what i picture when i hear about a child having to play therapist for the family isn’t the same as what modern fandom means by saying it. because i picture like, what steven universe went through. which was practically singlehandedly, as a child, walk a bunch of adults through their own grief and insecurities and shortcomings with unending patience and support, to a point of pushing all his own needs and emotional issues aside.

where steven seemed convinced there were things that he wasn’t allowed to express or outright things he never got to learn to express, mikey is probably the most emotionally open and honest of all the brothers. he feels more outright sheltered. 

especially where his big brothers are concerned. the entire episode about his first solo mission he was chafing about being unnecessarily overprotected by raph. there’s a lot tied up in his relationship to raph if we take what the creators said about them growing apart as they’ve grown up into account. 

so i guess for me, in my understanding of the trauma of playing therapist at a young age, i can’t really reconcile what canon gives us with the idea of any of the other brothers or splinter (who is notably emotionally disconnected from his sons at series start) genuinely dropping their issues on his lap. 

but in that vein, for as much as he’s emotionally open and honest, i’m sure there are also insecurities and issues that mikey doesn’t express. or. that canon for some reason just decided to not dig into in any of the episodes that actually got made.

but ohhhhh that’s a whole separate can of worms.

#rottmnt #rise of the tmnt #rottmnt mikey #rise mikey

[oh-saints]

a lil update; i'm still here :)

as you have probably seen or noticed, I’ve been going MIA for a (looooooong) while now. I started this blog truly to escape reality, in essence—not just a mere blog title—because I was living a life I thought I wanted to live since I was younger. but as I reached mid-year, I realised it was a life suitable to the 15-year-old me, not more and not less.

however, as much as I didn’t want to part-take this phase, I needed to undergo so much turmoil—physically and emotionally, even professionally too, to a certain extent—to find the life I want to live now. in the process, i got lost in the main direction, which resulted to losing everything i possessed. especially—ironically so—and unfortunately, losing myself in the battlefield.

i didn’t have the time and energy to update any of you about how i was doing, how far i was progressing, and what i’ve been doing. it was one thing i hated to do—not updating anyone that could possibly wait for me—but really, going away wasn’t even in my 2023 bingo list.

but now, albeit how apologetic i initially was, i didn’t regret most of the portion because i really needed to go away. to touch the grass, the ground, the air on the pads of my fingertips so i know which one is reality, which one is not, and which one is a reality i can escape from.

by a long shot—returning to this beloved space of mine again.

the funny thing was that i write with a real, professional athlete in mind, wondering what they’d do in daily basis, exploring so many fictional characters and personalities that might fit the said athlete’s routine and persona to become their romantic partner. and still do—hoping i will continue to do so until i got bored and/or incapacitated to—but never in mind did i imagine to actually end up with a real, professional athlete in real life.

crazy, i’d say. and believe me, i’m still processing it too.

but it’s even crazier because our story unravelled similarly to a story i had previously written and published here, where you all enjoyed it.

it was fast, but it never felt more… right. so my initial plan to comeback on Q3 of this year had to be delayed—thus the reason why you see me popping up here and there once in a while—because i got engaged to someone who really showed me how to be loved properly, even in ways i didn’t think of when i wrote how i wanted to be loved by an athlete, and i might only come back once in a while when my time (and probably my mind, too) was not as tight as the corset i just tried on for my upcoming big day.

aside from updating you all how i’ve been doing—as many of you asked in my inbox, but of which i am forever grateful of for your immense love—i want to use this chance to say thank you so much for the love, support, and everything else you have shown me in every chance you can get. dark days, bright nights—every single time. without you all, i wouldn’t have reached this far in life. i wish to give you back on stories, characters, emotions, plots more than ever, in ways and deliverance better than ever. i really can’t wait to spill some of them i’ve written during my time away, when i finally have time to breath.

please wait for some little updates and some new posts during this festive week as my belated christmas wish to you and a heart-warming way to escape the noisy firecrackers for those who don’t like them, like me.

it might not be much for now, but i hope i can make it up for my absence.

all my love, xx

#here's for every ONE of you who asked how I've been doing! p.s. i miss you ALL too! #oh-saints writes #oh-saints updates #personal #personal rants

[honeybeefae]

Hi my lovely, lovely readers and friends.

I’m very sorry for the radio silence. If I’m being honest, I just haven’t had the energy to deal with everything that is going on and it’s been hard. I finally got some good news from the doctors today and while I am still in the hospital (which I probably will be until I deliver), things are looking up in terms of carrying him longer and increasing the chance for him to thrive and survive. It’s great news and I’m blessed to be at a hospital with a great NICU and OBs who have treated me wonderfully.

It’s just…a lot. The anxiety, the tests, the hospital food, I just haven’t had the energy to do anything besides sit here and wallow. And I think by giving myself that time, I’ve found an inner strength that I didn’t know I had. It’s like seeing rain clouds in the distant after a drought. You know you’ve still got to get through it, but you will get through it. Idk if that makes any sense lol, I feel liked I sound like an old hippie.

I’ve gotten your messages, your comments, your well wishes, and I am thankful for each one. I go back and read them to lift up my mood and I can’t explain how much your kindness and understanding helps me during this. I truly appreciate all of you, in so many ways. If I could send you all cookies or treats I definitely would.

Kinktober obviously isn’t going how I planned but after beating myself up over it, and listening to all of you scold me for doing so 😅, I’ve just accepted it and I will post when I can. Today has been a really good day and I’m feeling more in the mood to write, my husband has brought me all of my writing things and I can feel that itch slowly building. I cannot wait to get started again but I can’t put a time frame on it.

If you’ve read this far, I’m sorry for rambling. I have so much I want to say and praise to give all of you but it would literally take me hours to write it so just know that I love you guys. Thank you 10000000000x over for being a friend and reaching out, engaging in my stories, or even just liking something! It helps in more ways than you know.

Hoping to be online more since I’ve accepted my fate lol, but in the meantime I will see you guys soon. Stay safe, stay beautiful, and enjoy this very long and warm virtual hug I’m sending you all. ❤️

#personal #life update #❤️

[cyberphuck]

Prince of the Sacred Pool (or, that story about the Fish Prince and the parasitic aliens)

(I have no idea if I’ll continue with this or if I’ll get distracted by something else and move on from it like I do most things, but here’s, uh, this.)

-IGT Engine three offline. Double tap YES to engage restart sequence.-

 I miss mechanical control boards, I really do. There's something very satisfying about the click of a physical switch, and of course quickly flipping a series of switches and toggles and blinky lights always impressed whatever dwarf-planet yokels I was hauling to their new jobs as lithium miners.

Plus, you could holler and pound an old board with your fist. Abusing equipment always makes me feel better.

 But after a particularly good payout several stancycles ago I'd let a dealer at port convince me that my rig needed an upgrade, and I'd blown my whole nest egg on converting my control board to Okuda touch screens. One of the screens was already dark, a hairline crack spiderwebbed across it, the definitive answer to "can you hit a touch screen if you're mad at it?"

 -IGT Engine three offline. Double-tap YES to engage restart sequence.-

 I'll do it one more time. Just one more time, third time's the charm. If I could just get it going, the other engines could supply energy to keep it running until we got to Pisces and then I promise, I promise I'll stop putting off the repair. C'mon sweetheart, one little spark, one tiny little spark is all I need from you, please, baby, please--

 -IGT Engine three offline. Double-tap YES-- -

 "God damn fucking piece of shit!" I slap my palm against the screen, wishing I had the balls or the money to smash it to pieces. The display flickers merrily. To my right, another Okuda blinks on.

 [MATING EXCREMENT QUERY]

 Oh, fuck me.

 "Sorry," I say aloud, lifting my head. "Er, I apologize, Your Highness, I was feeling frustrated. One of the engines on my r-- on this space transport vehicle is not working correctly. It will extend the time that it will take to reach your destination."

 The liquid in the tank sloshes.

 [ARRIVE RITUAL QUERY]

 "Yes, we will still arrive in time for your ceremony." God, the translation software on these Okudas really fucking sucks. Wait, sorry, 'it is not optimal compared to my expectations.' Don't want the shitty AI that runs the translations telling the Prince of Vakartic that my touch screen controls are mating and fellating each other.

 [TIME/DISTANCE ESTIMATE QUERY]

 "Five sols." Probably less, but I always like to underpromise. I glance back at the transparent panel that separates my cockpit from several million gallons of liquid. "Is there anything I can do to make your journey more comfortable, Your Highness?"

 His Highness Genfun Va Yenna Vakartic, Champion Prince of Colony Pota of the Vakartic Commonwealth, sixteenth in line for the Sacred Pool of Anadromous, is watching me from behind the panel. I've dimmed the lights in the cabin to keep from blinding him, so it's hard to see much other than his eyes-- large and luminous, yellowish-green like a pond in summer-- and the dozen or so glowing false-eyes surrounding them. The rest of him is a sinuous shadow bracketed by the winglike fins keeping him hovering a few inches from the bottom of the tank.

 Vakartians are not generally well liked in this part of the galaxy, owing to their previous habit of waging biological warfare on every planet within splashing distance of their homeworld and then claiming it in the name of the Sacred Pool. They'd poison all the natives, flood the place, then chuck a bunch of bivalves in to filter the water to their liking before settling in and carrying on with their true passion, which was having billions and billions of offspring. Once things started to get too crowded, someone would be sent offworld to find another poor, backwards dirtwalking culture that desperately needed to be shown the ways of being wet all the time.

 (I'm human, on my mother's side. I'm aware of the hypocrisy.)

 I'm not sure how old Prince Fishlips is, but he definitely wasn't born yet when the survivors of the Vakartians' millenia of colonization finally banded together and turned the ti-- tables, using the same bioweapons to poison the vast oceans of the commonwealth. The Vakartians who didn't go belly-up had been chased out to the far reaches of the local cluster, a handful of little outposts and holdouts where the only thing more popular than 'remembering the good old days' was inbreeding.

 That's what I remember from AP Galactic History and Channel Two documentaries, anyway. The point is I'd never have taken this job if I hadn't just bought a whole bunch of Okuda screens and then immediately broken one of them. It was clear that the Pota Vakartians were desperate, too: they were paying a ridiculous amount of money for a relatively short and easy trip, ten sols from one tiny port to another, and they'd even covered the cost of modifying my rig to accommodate the Prince's temporary living quarters. I was basically flying him from one neighborhood to the next so he could get impregnated by someone who wasn't his first cousin and bring back some fresh genetic material to his home colony.

 Oh, didn't I mention that? Yeah, I'm escorting a genocidal fish prince to get knocked up by-- from my high-school understanding of Vakartian royal titles-- a genocidal fish duke.

 The money is really good.

#fic #writing #original fiction #authors on tumblr #fish prince

[whentherewerebicycles]

somehow it’s noon already!! but it’s been a productive morning. in my earlier research i’d been so focused on their first-gen numbers i somehow missed or didn’t fully register the fact that fully 40% of this school’s incoming students each year are transfer students from two-year colleges, which is obviously !!! a specific student population with unique needs that i should be prepared to address in whatever presentation i put together! so i did some initial research and reading in the secondary literature + then also reached out to two former advisees who transferred from community colleges and always had a lot to say about the types of support structures they wished they’d had. they were v happy to help so i set up calls with them tomorrow and on wednesday so i can pick their brains on how to effectively engage & support transfer students in undergraduate research. i made a promise to myself earlier in the week that i would only do rabbithole-style research if it felt like the topics would’ve been fascinating to me even if i didn’t have this interview, but i actually DO find this question super interesting and it’s also a fun excuse to reconnect with former students i haven’t caught up with in a while.

also man i just feel really happy and so much more like myself when i’m in this mode. my brain is WORKING again! i’m overflowing again with thoughts and ideas! i do think that trying a job outside of academia was a valuable life experience for me... and i do realize that this particular job is not representative of ALL non-academic jobs (if i didn’t have such a difficult manager i might’ve been able to stick it out here a lot longer). but also: i feel like you gotta pay attention to what energizes you vs. drains you in this life! and i am so energized by teaching, mentoring, program design, and doing any kind of research on those topics. i also feel my heart LEAPING at the thought of being immersed in a university community again. it’s funny because i get all the petty academic politics stories from macky and i knoooow how difficult & prickly & impossible academics can be but idk! as far as lightly dysfunctional work environments go, i find this form of dysfunction familiar and comforting! and i feel like the joy of working with students is sufficient recompense for the at-times harrowing experience of working with other academics lol. i’m just ready to be back in a place that i love and i’m really excited about this school in particular.

i was rereading the job posting earlier this week and thinking about how much more work it’s going to be than my current barely-anything job, which i know will probably cut into my loooong leisurely walks and my hours-long cooking sessions and my ability to lie around in bed for hours every day. it’s been nice in some ways to have so much time to do non-work things and to really get myself into good routines with cooking/exercising/etc, but i just DO NOT THRIVE when i have too much unstructured time and i am really, really starved for the casual friendly daily social contact i got from my old job. i feel like too much unstructured time = more time wasted because the time doesn’t feel valuable to me.

and idk i need people time! i need relationships with others! i need it both in a social energy and in an intellectual way... like, my conversations with students and the interpersonal conflicts you have to navigate and the unexpected things that come up in a teaching/mentoring relationship provide so much grist for the ol’ reflective mill. i feel like part of the reason i’ve felt sooooo bored and so annoyingly self-absorbed the past six or seven months is that i just don’t have enough INPUT you know?? i need all those interactions to spark new ways of thinking about something or new ideas or new interests to research. otherwise i’m just stuck in my own head, endlessly turning over my small cares and petty little resentments, without anything to challenge me or push me out of myself or force me to recalibrate the way i’m viewing a situation. anyway idk it’s all good data! as i am always telling students even bad or meh experiences can teach you something useful about who you are & what you need to thrive!!

#personal #i think i will mostly hibernate today as i am going to do TWO social things tomorrow #i'm gonna put aside campus visit research for a bit because i'm trying to put parameters around how much time i spend on it #i'd like to finish this novel today (it's so good!) #and i want to leave comments on two fics (i keep saying that and then not doing it but today i really want to do it!) #and i'd like to run a mile to a mile and a half outside - just an easy slow run since i did run yesterday too #and then if it's not raining i think i want to take the dogs on that 90+ min loop to the new trail system we found #i might do that first and then do the mile after i haven't decided

[toksinblack]

I usually don’t share my thought on much of anything on the internet, but seeing how negative people, especially on Twitter are about Dream smp ending really rubbed me the wrong way. 

I want to preface this by saying that this is all coming from my subjective experience and taste. You have complete right to disagree with me, I would love to have a conversation.

It feels like no matter what the ccs would have done, people would have been unsatisfied, because it seems like people had huge expectations for a silly minecraft roleplay server. I feel like if we look back at the lore streams themselves, they were never serious with maybe the exeption of exile and even then exile had plenty of goofing around, which people forget in favour of dramatic scenes. The fandom ourselves being angsty and hyperfocusing on those scenes does not help either.

Like with a lot of things the problem is that people take everything too seriously, at least regarding the ending, not the abuse portrayal (I have no experience with it, so I can't speak on it). I’ve consumed a lot of media in my life and spent a lot of time dwelling on how things could have been better. And don’t get me wrong, being able to critique is a usefull skill that helps us learn on other writer’s mistakes. But also being able to enjoy things not for what they could have been but for what they are made my life so much better.

It’s kinda funny how people say that the ending was rushed and dragged out simultaneously. Was it rushed? Personally, I don’t think so. Were lore streams far and few between? Yes. But also I don’t wish for them to have streamed everyday, like during quarantine. Again, personally, I have a full-time job, personal life and other interests and hobbys, so I wouldn’t be able to keep up.

I understand, that people probably wanted something grandiose, that involved every person on the server. But I have the feeling that it was simply not possible. I understand people being upset that Techno’s house is gone. I am too. But even if it was around, we almost never would've see it in lore. I'm content with going back to older vods and seeing both the house and Techno preserved in that small window in time. Unchanged. Forever.

What I don't understand is people on Twitter posting shit like "abuse apoligism??!!" And oh boy I'm gonna bite someone's fingers off. No, not it's not. People have already said this but I'll repeat for thr people in the back. Sympathy =/= forgiveness. Different people will have different interpretations of Tommy's last words. I saw the sorry as "I'm sorry things had to be this way" when he realized him and Dream ultimately wanted the same thing. It's this bitter realization that if things went differently they could have had happy lives. Or it could be "Sorry I have to kill you, I didn't want to kill anybody in the first place". It can be different things and forgiveness is not one of them. You think a guy who, just a few days prior, scolded c!Dream apologists will have his character forgive his abuser? Guys, please, have more faith in him than that, jeez.

I don't know which one it is: viewer's either a) inability to engage with media critically and taking everything on a surface level or b) willingness to engage with media and ccs in worst faith baffles me, either way.

There are also sentiments floating around that fans' time and energy, that they put into supporting the story over the past 2,5 years, was somehow 'wasted' by an unsatisfactory ending. Sure you can dislike it, but it shouldn't and does not take away from the fun and enjoyment we collectively had in that time period. It's not about the destination, it's about the journey.

Regarding the nukes, it's great that they used an already established pieces of lore, instead of pulling something out of their asses or going with a Deus Ex Machina. Admittedly, I haven't kept up with Tubbo lore, from what I've seen the nukes got stolen and they dropped the storyline, so to bring them back in an impactful way creates nice continuity.

I also understand from what I've seem that people wanted a good ending. That after all that suffering the characters deserved a nice happy live. I've got nothing to say on that, I enjoy angst. It has a right to exist.

And I understand the ccs wanting to flip over a new leaf, instead of letting everyone live and continuing with their characters. Yes, people have emotional attachments to these characters, but if they stayed in the same world they would've had to navigate through 2 years of lore and relationships that have accumulated and viewers would have been not happy if they got that lore wrong. So starting over allows them to have new storylines, new relationships without having to trip over preexisting convoluted mess that is dsmp lore. Everything has to end. Let's let go.

On that note, what upsets me is that a lot of lore streams are fucking lost media now. I loove how Wilbur made his lore videos, they're bite sized and easy to follow. I was trying to pick out important exile streams recently and god damn it's impossible. There will be them joking around, one important line and then another hour of not really important stuff, I swear.

In conclusion: let's enjoy thing for what they are and engage with media in good faith please. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.

#rant #Dsmp #i understand that most likely most of these people are like 12 17 #and I'm in my early 20s should i even be talking abt mc roleplay #but I feel like engaging in these kinds of debates betters peoples media comprehension skills #toksin rambles

[artemissunn]

TopGun ff/1

Well, I still don’t have a title, anyways the first chapter is here, enjoy! The chapters will get longer I swear!

I.

Fightertown, US.

We arrived to dad’s house. It was a few streets away from the beach. It was how I remembered, even my room looked like how I left it. He didn’t change a thing. Probably because he was working most of the time. It was the reason mom left him, he wasn’t a family man. And I knew that now, I was the last thing he needed. Now that he became an instructor at Top Gun.

Maverick was a legend, and after his last mission they signed him for full time. The only condition he gave in was him still being able to fly. They let him, because they needed him and they knew that that was the only thing that nobody could take away from this man. He was living for the sky. When he was on his feet his eyes were turned upwards.

He was a good man, not a good dad but I could never blame him. Sometimes I kind of wished that he’d take me flying too. But never really asked, not wanting to be turned down.

I wish we spent more time and this wouldn’t be this awkward. Neither of us is talking in the car. He’s trying but doesn’t really know what to say, so he opens his mouth then closes. Glancing over to me.

I don’t know how many time he did it but I speak up.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything.” My voice is raspy and quiet. Throat is dry and achy a little.

“I’m here for you.” He finally says something.

“I know.” I nod.

It took a few days for me to have energy to get out of my room. Dad was patient. He gave me space and time, we both were quiet. And we were trying to get to know each other’s routines and presence. As more days passed we talked a little more everyday. He went back to work today leaving me alone. I knew it was hard for him to get used to this all.

He talked to Iceman every night. I’ve heard them a few times. He always went to his little study when they talked.

After another week of only being around and in the house I decided that I needed some air. The other reason was that all the ice cream was gone. I checked myself in the mirror.

A white v neck cut T-shirt and black sweatpants. It was around 8pm. Started to get dark. I got my sneakers on and house keys were thrown into my pocket.

Walking in the windy weather felt nice. I got shivers as the cool breeze touched my skin. The small market was big enough to have a decent selection of ice cream. Dad’s favorite was the rocky road one. If I remember correctly. I didn’t know what I wanted. Something with caramel probably.

I reached for the rocky road one but somebody wanted to grab the same one. We both pulled back our hands.

I looked up at the man and wasn’t really ready to see who it was.

“Bradley?” He grew a mustache and definitely grew up. He was tall and the lose white shirt he wore suited his body amazingly. He had jean shorts on and just some flip flops.

“Lace? Are you back? I haven’t seem you in ages.”

“Yeah.. we can say that.” I forced a smile.

“How come?”

“Mom died.” I plainly said. What was the good way to explain what happened.

“What? What happened to Charlie?” He froze.

“About a month ago. We were coming home from my grandparents and a truck driver pushed the car into the river. My door got ripped off, that’s why I survived.” I looked away. It was so hard to control my voice and tears at the same time.

“Gosh Lace..” he hugged me to his chest. My hands were shaking again.

“It’s okay.. that’s how I’m here.”

“I wish it was because of something better… I’m so sorry. And how are you and Mav?”

“We’re fine. He’s not really used to somebody being around. So it’s new for him too.”

“I’m sure things will settle. He loves you.”

“And what’s up with you?”

“As I said back then, I joined the Navy and I’m stationed here. Months ago got engaged and that’s mostly it.”

When I heard him say that, it was like another knife in my chest. Seeing him made me feel things. Made old feelings come back but him being engaged hurt so bad.

I could have expected it, he was 28, looking like the sun. He was absolutely handsome. It should surprise me that only now engaged. Not married or having kids.

It was still pain on pain. He was smiling down at me and I was just not ready to face life. It was just coming down too fast.

#rooster bradshaw fic #bradley bradshaw x reader #top gun #top gun maverick #bradley bradshaw fanfiction #bradley bradshaw x oc #pete maverick mitchell #pete mitchell #rooster x oc #rooster x you #jake hangman seresin #hangman x oc #talk to me goose #iceman

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Another Long-Running Panel Show Friday (January 27, 2023)

The Last Leg: Really good start to the new season. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed this show when it was off, until this episode. The Last Leg has its times when the quality dips, and maybe a bit more in recent years than in older ones, but they always seem to start new seasons strong, like they rejuvenated their enthusiasm while they were away and are excited to be back. I’m only slightly ashamed to admit that I laughed out loud at Alex Brooker’s opening joke, about his own hands being at least as good as a walrus’s fins for… I’m trying to think of what euphemism I want to use here, and all I can think of is how I recently heard Steve Hall call it “getting at myself”, which was such a strikingly strange term that I don’t think I’ll be able to call it anything else anymore. Anyway, the quite juvenile jokes about that made me laugh, and then they pretty much kept the energy from there. It was a loose episode, with Adam Hills letting things go off script a little more than usual before bringing it back, and it was fun all the way through.

Great guests, too. Obviously, Richard Ayoade is always funny on panel shows. He paired very well with Lucy Beaumont – that’s a contrast in styles I hadn’t realized would work so well until I saw it. Also, every time I see Lucy Beaumont I remember how perfect she is. Her whole schtick revolving around being comically earnest, literally leaning forward and not quite following but trying really hard, is consistently engaging. She had Adam just about breaking down a couple of times, it was great.

Having Angela Rayner on is a little dicey; politicians using comedy shows to whitewash their image is not great, even if it’s a politician who seems generally all right. But at this point, compared to everything else all the politicians are doing, the Deputy Leader of the Opposition going on a comedy show to answer silly questions and play some silly games is not the main thing plaguing the system. She came across quite well, anyway.

WILTY: Another good episode this week. I thought Jayde Adams was the highlight, in her WILTY debut. She took over many parts, particularly the mystery guest round, and it was funny every time. I just wish she’d gotten a better card of her own, she could have done more with it. Ellie Simmonds was very entertaining too, seemed to be genuinely vaguely baffled but having a good time.

Not such a good episode for me – I went 3-2 in the guessing, and only finished with a winning record due to the completely free point I got from Lee Mack’s obvious lie at the end. But I did enjoy that, a bit of old school WILTY with making Lee Mack defend something absolutely ludicrous. There’s an argument, and maybe a good argument, that that bit is getting rather old by now. I still find it funny every time, though.

QI: This was a good one too, mostly. I thought Tom Allen was the star of this one, he fits in really well on shows like this. I was hoping for more from Cariad Lloyd, as she has a history of really shining on QI (particularly some of her interactions with Sandi Toksvig), but she was relatively quiet this time (or just didn’t make the edit much). She had a couple of good stories, though. Everyone did. And Sandi seemed even more likeable than usual this week.

I like Jamie MacDonald too, I know him only a little bit from The Now Show. He has the same name as my favourite character on my favourite TV show ever (Jamie MacDonald from The Thick of It), so I mostly just remember him for that, but on this episode I think he said enough funny stuff so I’ll start remembering him for that instead.

The News Quiz: I skipped this one again this week. It had Geoff Norcott on again, and even though the rest of the lineup looked fine, I just can’t be bothered that right now. That’s not normally the case – I’ve listened to and watched plenty of episodes of The News Quiz and other things with Geoff Norcott, and just been mildly to moderately annoyed with him. But at this moment I have such low tolerance for that shit. I do “listen to the other side”, every day, on my CBC news podcasts. I do my civic duty of being informed about what all sides of the issues are saying. Don’t need to hear it in my comedy as well, when I’m just trying to be entertained.

Next week, however, looks great.

That’s an absolutely stellar QI lineup, across the board. Jo Brand never disappoints on WILTY. I’ve just checked and am surprised to see Joe Wilkinson’s never been on WILTY before, but I’m glad they’re fixing that now. I always enjoy when people who have particularly odd TV personas go on that show and we try to guess what’s real about them.

And Frankie Boyle, obviously, is a rare, unexpected treat on The News Quiz. Susie McCabe’s also always great, and pairs well with Frankie when she’s on New World Order. I guess that lineup is to discuss the potential independence referendum, since Ashley Storrie and Alex Massie are also Scottish. So that’ll be fun. An exciting episode of Andy Zaltzman And The Scots.

[philhoffman]

This week’s Monday Philm is Scent of a Woman (1992) — which means we’re finally getting some bigger parts! Phil said he considered this film his breakout role because he was able to quit his job at a deli and never had a non-acting job in his life after this. And he is so fantastic it’s easy to see why!

This was, I’m fairly certain, the first PSH movie I ever saw. One of my high school teachers showed it to us in a sociology? psychology? class (I have absolutely no idea why) and when I really got into Phil more recently I was very surprised to realize he was the blond guy I vaguely remembered from the movie where Al Pacino is blind and yells! (Catching Fire is the other candidate for My First PSH Movie — it came out around the same time, though I have no idea which I saw first. But this isn’t about me, I digress!)

Since this is one of his first bigger roles and a film that I really enjoy in general, I was looking forward to this rewatch all weekend. It’s an utter delight to watch 24-year-old Phil as George Willis, Jr., just unbridled joy to see him so young and beautiful and bouncing around with so much energy it makes your head spin. You get so many glimpses of the things he would become known for. His voice, first of all, so deep and familiar now that it’s almost a surprise to hear it coming from that fresh-faced kid with a tussle of red hair swept across his forehead. The cigarette, his lips, his hands all over the place. PSH later said that when he’d catch Scent of a Woman on TV, “I’ll watch it, and I say, ‘Do less, Phil, less, less!’ Now, I’m a little mortified by parts of my performance. But back then, it was huge! It was pure joy to get to do the work.” I get what he’s saying, George uses so many sweeping gestures, his hands are restless, his body’s restless, but it lends such an unsettled, almost shifty feeling that fits the character.

George is an interesting character though, because while he’s absolutely more privileged than Charlie and the stakes are so much lower for him, he’s not 100% with his “friends.” He’s schmoozy but he’s genuinely friendly to Charlie, he tells Harry he’s full of shit, he isn’t even invited to be part of their prank on Trask. What’s going on there!

I’ve read reviews wishing PSH had been cast as Charlie instead of Chris O’Donnell (isn’t he the cutest thing though!), I suppose because Phil had such a strong and engaging presence. I wonder what that would’ve looked like? I don’t doubt he could’ve done it, but I think the casting was pretty solid. Charlie is sort of... bland, I guess. He feels out of his depth (intentionally), the quiet counterweight to Al Pacino’s Colonel Slade and they go together well. On the other hand, especially at this early stage in his career, Phil wasn’t exactly “toned down” in any way (look at his roles up to this point — My New Gun, Szuler, Leap of Faith — was he even capable of not being at 110% power at all times?).

Crazy (but completely understandable!) to think that Paul Thomas Anderson sat in a theater in 1992, saw this prep school kid with his popped collar and wild hands, and fell instantly in love. He’s something so special and it’s amazing to see him at work so young, having so much fun with it.

#happy birthday al pacino #monday philm #scent of a woman #philip seymour hoffman #psh #* #this morning I was thinking abt how gorgeous and entrancing he is in this movie I teared up :''' #as 1d said. i live for you i long for you i love youuuu 💕

[lgbtq-history-museum-cfl-intern]

Wow! What a crazy week!

This post is a little delayed because I just needed to process everything, plus I was just generally not feeling well yesterday.

I wish I had the space to do an audio recording but this week the house is full, but I’m just bursting at the seams with excitement.

I’ve never had the chance to attend an event by the History Department on campus and I’ve missed out on so many cool talks and opportunities to meet professionals in my field (even though I was LITERALLY and advocate for those kinds of things as a PeerKnights Coach!)

So, I’ve been mentioning for a couple of weeks that I’ve been preparing for a panel…

(Note to any students reading this!: If you’re invited to do a panel and you can fit it into your schedule and workload, DO IT! They’re often informal and a great way to open up discussion on topics you may be interested in or that are relevant in your field.)

The board of the LGBTQ History Museum invited me to speak on their panel on the research I’ve been doing for the exhibit. This panel was part of a larger event, The Florida Historical Society’s Annual Meeting and Symposium, which was hosted at UCF.

A little bit about the society, here’s an excerpt from their website’s “About Us” page:

“Established in 1856, the Florida Historical Society is dedicated to preserving Florida's past through the collection and archival maintenance of historical documents and photographs, the publication of scholarly research on Florida history, and educating the public about Florida history through a variety of public history projects and programs…”

(Sounds like everything I’ve described I want to do, lol)

I was admittedly so nervous to present, and I spent like a week and a half perfecting my PowerPoint just to write my script within two days of presenting! So, my only regret is spending most of the time looking down at my script and not connecting with the audience.

But it went great! There was a lot of discussion following the panel presentations on censorship and how it’s affecting librarians' and educators’ ability to do their jobs, and really, what they love.

I also got to learn more about the museum’s history and my fellow student, who is on the museum board, read an insightful breakdown of the museum’s current exhibit on the AIDS crisis.

It was heartwarming to be in that environment and see myself as part of it. Like I’ve mentioned before, since I don’t major in history, I tend to feel like an outsider, but this experience was so affirming!

My mentors congratulated me on my work, and I feel even more excited moving forward to share my ideas for the exhibit as I continue to edit the written work and begin designing the layout.

 Later on, they also hosted the Jerrell Shofner Lecture Series, named in honor of the “prolific Florida historian”.

This year’s lecturers happened to be scholars whose work I’ve been reading and using for the undergraduate thesis I was working on, Dr. Simone Delerme and Dr. Patricia Silver.

A few posts ago I also talked about our mentors and those we look up to being just normal people, right?

BUT I FELT LIKE I WAS FRONT ROW AT MY FAVORITE ARTIST’S CONCERT! They are ROCKSTARS to me!

I got to sit down and eat at the reception with them and chat over tiny empanadas!

Then they talked about their research on Puerto Ricans in Central Florida and even though I’ve read much of the material they spoke on, I was completely engaged.

It was so fun to also get to hang out with my mentors in a more informal space and watch them banter with each other as they passed off the microphone to announce the next thing.

Events like these can really humanize professional relationships, which is what I really got out of it.

I wish I had the energy to attend the full event and see more presentations, but I prioritized being there for the museum’s panel and being able to stay for the Shofner Lecture.

I hung around at the end because I was just too excited to go but I got to exchange some amazing words with pioneers in the field of research I’m most deeply interested in: The Puerto Rican Diaspora.

I want to close out with a big THANK YOU to my current faculty mentor and supervisor from the LGBTQ History Museum, Dr. Connie Lester, for this internship position, for your guidance, and for inviting me to the panel; My other supervisor, Dr. Scott French, for staying for the panel and always being so supportive; My previous faculty mentor, Dr. Martínez-Fernández, for cheering me on still and for facilitating so many connections for me; and the Department of History for hosting such an awesome event!

I just don’t know where I’d be without so many sources of support.

#history student #internship blog #public history intern blog #history intern blog #public history internship #museum internship #student internship #college student #education #shofner lecture #florida history society #history society #conference #university student #student tips