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swordheld · 5 months

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hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?

hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].

but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.

it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.

and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.

the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.

an emptiness, like you said.

but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.

you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.

he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.

but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.

how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.

the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.

think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.

i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.

but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one. wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.

as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛

#q&a.#birdsong.#wishing u gentle ease; the death of a loved one is near inexplicable to put into words and i hope you take care of yourself gently <3 #i hope this will make u laugh: when i was a tiny child in middle school there were times i would go outside in my tiny suburban cul de sac-#in the rain and sing along to my lil ipod nano and i only remember doing this to drops of jupiter. can you imagine going out to get the mai #after a long day of work and you just hear this kid singing train in the streets. in the RAIN.... it makes me laugh like i really.#i really thought i was so cool and deep and emotional ghjkd but i find it v funny that i only remember it w/ that one train track.#and saturn just. it's my fav s.a.l. song for a reason. that slow violin opening? the piano coming in gentle and easy?#it feels like light. like hope. like something new - a dawn after the long dark. that beautiful things can begin again even where #it hurts. and there is nothing more human than a sentiment like that.#how rare and beautiful it is to truly exist. what it is to be alive and get to be here and live with other people. with those we love.#i think your grandfather was so lucky to be able to know you. to have you in his life for the time you had together.#i'm no spiritual person; but i like to believe when you're thinking about him? he's thinking about you too.#the second law of thermodynamics (physics nerd mode) is that no energy has ever been created/destroyed since the beginning of the universe.#so it has to go somewhere - it's that carl sagan quote of 'we're all made of stardust'. because we are. we used to be stars; planets; etc.#i think it's why i think of these space songs - because they're a part of everything; once more; when they go. us and everything else.

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sketchy-tour · 18 days

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My brain wanting to draw Dandy, Wally, and Ivy being a wholesome family but also wanting to draw more and more gift art for those I love and adore but also wanting to draw my stupid Dandy au with Beta but also wanting to draw the other neighbors but also wanting to draw Wally a thousand times wanting to write personal WH fanfiction with Dandy but also-

#and then also wanting to draw Sun and Moon and kissing them a hundred times #but also wanting to watch fraggle rock but also wanting to watch muppets and also draw art for those shows but also #augh i wish I had infinite time #i wish I didnt have work #AUGH #anyway-#laying on the floor #text post #just rambling #i want to create so much but energy low and time very limited #awah but yall are always so nice about my Dandy stuff I need to draw Dandy and Ivy more and also AUGH!!!

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heather-garland · 5 months

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yuri.png

#silent hill #silent hill 2 #lisa garland #maria silent hill #silent hill fanart #lisa garland/maria #wish i had more time and energy to draw.... anyway women #sun june my beloved their new album SO GOOD... had the bad dream of the jaguar #COME TO KILL ME #yeah its been a while..................#tag of torture #its 2am and im working booo

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snookasnerk · 2 years

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train doodle of that one guy i always draw, because i think he’s pretty neat

here’s what’s under the mantle in my drawings hehehe

#critical role #critical role art #cr fanart #my doodles #critical role fanart #essek thelyss #essek theyless #i wish i had the time and energy to draw more but you know how it is. essek to heal

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darubyprincx · 2 months

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Two Idiots, One Body | next

"Has anyone seen Beef?" Grian asks, sprinting over, face a perfect mask of concern. "He's supposed to be here by now."

Iskall looks up from where she's fiddling with a hinge to squint at him. It's 9am. First day of Hermitcraft Season 10 and the sun still hasn't hit the peak of the sky. It's been an hour since the world hummed into existence, all fresh dirt and generating stone and trees growing in a snap like they'd been here forever, and Beef is late. Beef is never late. That's the rule: when the new season starts, you're there.

Iskall is there, even though he kind of wishes he's not. Her head's weirdly foggy and his vision keeps drifting in and out of focus, but hey, that makes sense, right? He's been sick for three days. Everything gets gummed up when you're sick.

Amongst the crowd of unusually antsy Hermits, someone yells Grian's name and he runs back off with a muttered apology, wings barely a bump on his back this early on.

The rest of Day 1 goes normally enough.

Grian runs the intro as smoothly and professionally as always and everyone runs off to get their gear. Doc and Cub have a villager trading hall set up in four hours. Ren organizes a caving session. Iskall is assigned to a group with him, Mumbo, and Stress. On the surface, it's a perfectly normal first day of the season, with the chaos and confusion and absolute lunacy that comes trotting naturally alongside 26 hermits being in one place. There's two new people here, after all, and they must be introduced properly, says Grian, grinning devilishly.

Still, no matter how many times Iskall blows his nose, the fog stays stubbornly stuck in her brain. And no matter how low the sun dips towards the meeting point of earth and sky, a little blazing ball of Atlas to paint the sky a thousand shades of night, Beef does not log on. Everyone tries to ignore it. Most people succeed.

Iskall goes to bed that night tired but happy, brain whirling at a million miles per hour, adrenaline fading and leaving his limbs to ache with the full force of the workout they were just given. As she drifts off to sleep, he chuckles. He can almost hear Beef grumbling about missing out on the first day already.

#ray's tag #mcyt #hermitcraft #keys' writing #two idiots one body #i do not have the time energy or mental stability to do this idea justice like i wish i could but oh fucking well #bad writjng is better than no writing #i am most likely not going to do anything more with this due to The Horrors. however heres a prologue i fucking guess???#this is me sketching out that plural iskall and beef idea i had btw. im so damn tired might take a nap #also he/she iskall real 💪💪💪

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ii-then · 1 year

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i can be ur pargon... or ur rengded.....

#mass effect #commander #shepard #fshep #camila #wish I had more energy and time for art but it's been kinda hard balancing things lately

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theyoungbuck · 7 months

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doodle dump

#i'm not doing well #i'm not thriving these days and it's kind of an issue for me #lot of stuff going on and it's lowkey kinda hard to even catch a breath #but i made a whole bunch of doodles so hey #it's not that bad i guess #still wish i had more time and energy to make some proper art but i'll take what i can #my art #sketch #friend's oc #my oc

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bi-bats · 1 month

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rapidly shaking your hands up and down, meesh

Jaytim are the epitome of "stay together, because neither of you should be inflicted on other people" and "I don't want what you have. But it seems to work for you so go off I guess"

LIZ BESTIE YOU ARE SO CORRECT AND IT'S SOMETHING I'VE MENTIONED BEFORE ON HERE AND I FORGET WHERE BUT FR

MY FAVORITE FLAVOR OF THEM IS NOBODY DESERVES TO HAVE TO PUT UP WITH EITHER OF THEM AND NEITHER OF THEM DESERVES ANYTHING BUT EACH OTHER!!! THEY DESERVE EACH OTHER (AFFECTIONATELY DEROGATORY)*

*worth noting that this is also true of damitim in my heart of hearts

#🗡🐕 ragnarokhound #i do not remember why I made this your bestie tag but I sure did do that #anyways hi liz!!!!#missed you!!!!#i love all my fandom ppl and I wish I had more energy to be active rn 💚#fr tho i love hearing from yall and every time one of you sends me an ask or a post or something a kitten is born #or a puppy or a tree or an angel or something #it makes the world a better place fr thank you for doing your part #batsasks #bibatrambles #jaytim

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seagull-scribbles · 8 months

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ʟᴇᴛ'ꜱ ɢᴏ ᴘᴀɪɴᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴛᴏᴡɴ ᴏɴ ᴏᴜʀ ᴡᴀʏ ʜᴏᴍᴇ,

ᴛʜᴇ ʙʟɪɴᴋɪɴɢ ʟɪɢʜᴛꜱ ᴀʀᴇ ʙʀᴇᴀᴋɪɴɢ ʙᴏɴᴇꜱ

#tmnt 2007 #casey jones #raphael hamato #rasey #thank you to everyone who voted the lyrics for the caption #I love doing little things like that it makes posting feel more like a community #also using this to try out an art signature for the first time…it’s took just over 3 years but #the turts day posts are doing very well and someone mentioned making a video so it seemed time to sign stuff #I watched 2007 last week and I bought the dvd from my friend #I really love this movie and it’s concepts and idk if it’s because they’re 20+ and I’m in my teweties #or because the Rasey content in this movie is the best canon rasey rep we have BUT I had to draw them #April definitely knows what’s up with these two but she’s not going to tell anyone #and I love what they have lmao #this was a play with lighting exorcise and I found some great music to listen to while I did it and i I #I just wish I had the energy and time to draw more of these guys fully rendered #this is meant to be when they first meet up for the night #you can decide who’s saying what and weather ralhs lifting the mask up or about to pull it down #oh oh also shout out to Helen who is a lovely catholic lady who saw me do this in public and was very supportive and understanding #also listen I know this is like the other 2007 one I did back in March but idc #there just isn’t enough of these guys I want them to f*ck on roof tops and fire escapes #and ride motorcycles obnoxiously out in public and beat people up in the most sadistic way possible #I want them to drink on Aprils couch together #I want them to offload their mental health issues to eachother in supportive healthy ways #I want them to do it in unhealthy ways where Casey shouts at ralh for making him think he was bedridden for 2 years #I want the #to talk about boring adult things and rediscover silly things they did as teens #idk i hate how aprils main role in the film is trying tk change whk casey is thats not a healthy relationship dont romanticise it

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derbys-art · 10 months

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The space probes that I care for very much, and very occasionally have the energy to draw,, a giant step each day -^-

#17776 #17776 nine #17776 juice #17776 ten #17776 fanart #17776 football #20020 #i love them very much #wish so bad i had more time and energy for art #but proud of myself :)

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silveredsound · 19 days

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How you go from harry styles to hockey I will never understand.

I was going to make a little joke, as I do, (would have been v hilarious, best joke ever pls know this) and leave it at that. But like, it's been raining for over 24 hours, it's 2am and it might be good for me to reflect a little.. So sorry anon I am going emote all over your ask (which (the ask) sounds a bit judgey tbh but the written word is NOT a great conveyor of tone so that might be on me.)

On one hand it's just fandom. And, I think it's been pretty clear that as much as I love Henry Stars, I'm not like, a 'Harry is the be all and end all of all music creation and creativity and actions.' I like him for the good and the bad, and I don't leave critical thinking at the door. (Not saying I'm the only person to do this, just that it's hard sometimes in fan spaces and Stans definitely do..)

Which, can make it hard to participate in fandom as a lot of people are not great at irony, or accepting that someone else can say, god damn that is a terrible song - and that it's okay for that to happen. It doesn't mean that the person who expressed the neg opinion is not still a fan of the artist they were speaking about. Same with if the artist you are a fan of does something that gives you the ick.

I def learnt this when Harry went to Google Camp the first time. Like obviously I've been around 1d fandom in some way since 2012 ish I think it was - and it was my own reaction to Harry going to Camp Douchebags the first time that made me go, oh jeez Silv, you are a bit too involved in the parasocial relationship here. Like I was genuinely upset that he'd done something I thought was so dumb and wanky.

Anyway, clearly I still loved - love - him and I celebrated him and spent a fuckload of money on him and engaged in fandom and etc etc. But I just did at that point I think turn a little from heading in a very blinkers on version of fandom to one that's def more me - where you just get to have fun, make fun be creative, make friends! and have a bit of a perv depending on the silk cream vanilla ice cream outfit Harry might be wearing in Nashville.

I like RPF. I mean I like all transformative works and fandom extending and enhancing source material via creation, but I don't have an issue with RPF. I believe in 4th wall. And I clearly have written 1d fic. A lot of my good fandom mates, and real life best friend(s) are people I have met through sharing a love of writing in fandom spaces. Obviously all the best writers in 1d went to Hockey. And I stayed here. And I tried. I wanted to be where my friends where. I had fomo and I was lonely! My fandom had changed in a few ways all around the same time.

But Hockey is very confusing, (for starters as I often say to Angela or Joanna, snow is fake) and nothing clicked for me - it seemed large and I had no idea where to even start and I didn't really try.

But I think the change in some fandom fellow participants, and also anons being mean when they would get even a glimpse in their peripheral that I might have vaguely indicated that Henry did something that I thought was dumb or embarrassing, or just not that good, (it's no fun sharing a thought and feeling chatty about it, and wanting to engage with other people's thoughts if some random is going to anonymously tell you that you are a dumb c*nt and should delete etc etc so I stopped sharing any thoughts at all.) Of course Nick leaving breakfast and then R1 altogether - as well as obviously my whole life narrowing to a point that was just tend Mama- work - tend mama - work - tend mama - sleep - grow a tumour - tend mama left me not so much time for proper joyful engagement.

And then, in Jan/Feb this year, I think as I'd been looking at book reviews and as soon as you search for a book on tik tok they push book tok romance reviews into your feed and I think then that pushed an actual hockey clip (which is a really shite 4th wall issue as is the whole Kraken thing etc) and I can't even remember what it was but I know I then swiped through and watched other videos on the account and like 1d being adorable shites repeating stock answers and sitting on top of each other I was intrigued by what seemed to be very dumb and very entertaining.

But Silv, you cry, what about the emotions! You need emotions! Ah, yes, see, because I am nothing but devoted I had followed Angela and La's hockey blogs, and something La posted grabbed my attention and I followed a link and read an article and I was like. Oh, I want to read more about these kids. So I did. And after a little while I reached out to La and was like, um, I think I get it. And I posted something about the Fantilli Bros and then Max reached out and tbh I don't think anything says it better than my wide eyed enthusiasm reply. (You are probably by now thinking, Silv why is your answer to Max so short, why didn't I just get a paragraph? This is an endless essay with no conclusion or indeed a thesis statement, (that is if you have even made it down to here) & anon I can only apologise.)

I am really enjoying learning so many new things, being welcomed into a new space of connection and joy and silliness and emotional breakdowns. It's been so lovely to meet new people who are so excited to share their niche interest with you and no one minds how many questions I have and everyone searches out Primera and Important Past Instagram Posts from the archives - and of course reconnecting with people who I have always been friends with, fandom changes didn't change that, but it's delightful chatting much more often. The other day Angela and I watched an Avs game together via Tumblr chats, which was delightful, to learn about the team and to talk about random other things, and I've spent my last month of Saturdays watching umich with lovely people who La introduced me to, and having MANY EMOTIONS. (It's like hanging out all posting about a show's fits and one liners and if he's going to sing medicine but it's many pantomime gooseberrys. The performative homoeroticisim, wild hair, jokes, punching (only now during not pre show work outs ) and very goddamn impressive skill and physicality is actually pretty similar). Meghan and I have been able to chat through our very similar horrible experiences with cancer and mums with cancer and it's been so lovely and strengthening to be able to share that experience with a person who beyond gets it, and then also I've been able to announce to her that I want to write a fic about 5 ways Nolan saw god with the UMich Bible Study Group but didn't find faith. which is obviously a completely ridiculous concept but equally worthy of discussion. It's this that I love so much about fandom friendship - you share SO much because you are sharing something that gives you intimate joy, so the relationship always starts from a place of an automatic mutual understanding and empathy - and from there we make it our own.

But also, I really like the game. Like I love watching them play, all of them! It's fast (obviously - and oblig have to say - ice is slippery) and it's hard - and they make it look easy. When one of the special players (they are all special, but one of the ones who play almost with innate ability) makes a pass or a turn sometimes it's almost almost magic, like how the fuck did they see that gap between four players, and did you see how they kept the puck a moment longer so they could release it perfectly into the lane !! Hot.

The game can be all encompassing and it's SO SO SO silly. Like it's the dumbest sport. It's The Show. I'll put on ESPN and stream a match while I'm working during the day (the time difference is perfect for once) and I'm spending time cos I want to, learning the rules and the logistics and business side of it all. And of course, the differences between college hockey and the show. Idk. It just clicked on so many levels for me.

And so, I have no idea why it took me so long to transition from Henry to Hockey, but I am not surprised I did now that I have - it def wasn't something that I was bloody expecting. And Anon I will say this, the last few years of my life have been sad, hard, and tbh shitty. Now, I know what it's like to have fucked years, so I am not saying this to try to be and show off but 2024 feels a bit better. I feel clearer, I have started to lose some weight (15ish kg so far depending on the time of the month) and now I have a meeting w a PT on Tuesday as I actually don't care what I weigh but I want to get stronger and reduce my visceral fat as it will be better for hormones which is better for lessening my cancer reoccurrence %.

God knows it's (2024) not all roses, I literally had surgery again a fortnight ago and the cost of living in Sydney is giving me so much anxiety. I am still a terribly disorganised mess, my work is undergoing a complete restructure (thanks NSW gmnt) and my clean washing is NEVER folded and put away, it's always in the basket - but I feel so happy and entertained and creative - I am writing again! like it's joy. It's ye olde you are who you are at this moment but you are also the 4 year old you and the 15, 27, 34 year old you - girlhood (non gendered concept of not literal interpretation) and I love it. 💛🩵🌱

#sorry anon this is very much non con silv thinks about fandom and emotions and processes on main #there's a boy who has harry energy although more spoiled and sarcastic and this is delightful as i do actually think #which also i got a rude anon about once #that harry is not as nice as eveyone thinks #i think hes professional as fuck definitely #but i think hes a sarky little perfectionist and this delights me #but chemistry with everyone - thats the harry curse and blessing and the **** ****** one #sorry anon i know this was annoying #but i genuinely just really needed to get this out of me and acknowledge it all #fandom and fandom participation is something that is so important to us all #otherwise why would we have a little blog #let alone create posts of fic or gifs or edits #and god last year i said multiple times to shifty that i wished i had a fandom that i could wallow in as a happy place distraction #its very nice to feel engaged and delighted by something #i hope we can still be mates #i am a popstars and radio dj lover for life #i didn't even touch on teams i like and players and such cos not the point #tw: cancer #tw: death #tw: weight loss #sorry! i should have added those tw before!

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