For me, the most terrible thing about having depressions is when you see your best friends and you really want to go to them, but all you can do is staying where you are, not moving a muscle, because your inner demons keep telling you: 'Don't bother them. They don't like you anyway. Believe me, they're better off without you.' And that is how you become lonely.
I tell myself that everything will get better. That I will one day soon be able to transition. That the life I live is not forever. But there is nothing to show me otherwise. I work a shitty fast food job, studying for a degree that will do nothing for me. I don't go out to social events. I have no motives or wants anymore and I have no push to change this, and yet I tell myself it will change but I don't put in any work. Miracles don't happen and it's going to hurt me to continue believing they do.
I just want to be a little happier. I want to feel an ounce of normality. But instead, I am a depressed, anxious, and angry trans woman who has a hard time even being called she/her. Not because it doesn't 'feel right' but because I am aware of the difference between my presentation and the labels I choose to use.
What's worse is I only hold this idea to myself but respect anybody's usage of pronouns despite their appearance because appearance does not equate to a valid identity. But for some reason, I do not offer myself the same respect.
And still, instead of changing anything, I go online to feel bad for myself when I am the own creator of my problems. I just wish I knew how to begin solving them.
EDIT: Still sad but this was my 69th post, nice.