#i wish people could read my mind

[prismaticuniverses]

sighs

#rambles #I just want everyone to get along and be happy :( it’s wishful thinking I know but still #it hurts my heart to see how many people are unhappy in this community. I wish I could magically make them feel loved and cherished here #if you’re reading this. even if I don’t follow you #I know it may not seem like much but I care about you and hope you can find joy and peace of mind #I’m putting that out into the world and hopefully it will come to you even if it’s only for a moment

[garlic-sauc3]

versions of booster gold made by people who obviously dont know much about booster can be so infuriating because they tend to depict him as stupid or as a joke and then people who only know him from these depictions in more popular media have a skewed impression of him

#and like in justice league unlimited #even when the whole thing is about him wanting to be treated seriously #while also still wanting fame and recognition #it feels like a regurgitation of a lot of what he goes through and learns in his first solo #but worse #the 'i thought you were green lantern' joke feels like a rip off of the people calling him buster joke #except the thing about the comics is that he was well known #and the conflict was that he was well known but since he did so much ads and sponsorships and corporate shit #and that he acted like an open book while telling people nothing about himself #led to a distrust with the general opinion on him #which led to interesting plotlines and shit #and sure his tagline is 'the greatest hero youve never heard of' but he has very much been heard of in universe #at least like orginally #anyway this whole thing could be applied to a lot of comic characters unfortunately #but im just pissed that i cant find like a show version of him that does him justice #i hope that whenever james gunn makes that booster gold show that he actually does booster some good #and keeps the og comics in mind #ugh i wish people writing characters should read at least a decent chunk of the characters source material #and other things with them that are properly characterised #anywho i should reread some of my favorite booster comics to make up for it

[spocks-kaathyra]

.

#vent #wow I will never be able to let myself have friends huh #I am unwanted and inherently unwantable #I have it all figured out I just can't DO anything right. why is breaking silence the hardest thing to do #I can't bring myself to make/maintain/deepen friendships bc I'm convinced that I'm unpleasant to be around and unpleasant to be friends with #my company is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy #<- completely unjustified belief. I am kind and friendly and capable of responding appropriately in the majority of social situations #they reach out and I shrink back every time. no matter how much they reach towards me I can't believe that they actually want me around #and ofc the reasonable thing for them to do is stop reaching! when I never reach back! why would they expect a different outcome this time #so I can't blame anyone. I can't sit around waiting for a saintly mindreader who can see that my actions contradict my feelings #I know I just need to reach out. but how could I do that when I'm convinced it'll only hurt them? #my presence makes their day worse. I'm a mangy dog begging for scraps I don't deserve at their table. I am harming them with my presence #how can I beg for their attention and company and time when I know their life would be better without me in it #<- false belief. when I reach out I make them feel wanted and they feel more comfortable reaching out to me when they know I like them. #everyone appreciates being reached out to. I am pleasant to be around. they like being liked by me. my company is a desirable thing #company in general is a desirable thing. my company is better than no company. people like being liked. #logically I know all this to be true. emotionally? they hate me and I deserve it and the more I show I like them the more they'll hate me #sigh. what a banal problem to have. I'll stop being 18 years old one day. I can't wait until I have better things to worry about #replies appreciated. btw. in the interest of asking for what I want instead of expecting ppl to read my mind lmao #narcissus's echoes

[brightokyolights]

.

#omfg i feel so completely melodramatic for typing this out rn but i have so many feelings and i need to get them out!!! DX #anyways so since just before the sunshine court came out i have yet again gone down an aftg rabbit hole #and what im here to specifically cry about is kevin #when i first read aftg my opinions on the characters were so different to what they were now #i cant completely remember how i felt about kevin. part of me thinks i felt that he was treated way too harshly by the others considering #the trauma he went through but part of me thinks maybe? i didnt care too much for him back then because i was taking the book at face value #and just going with how neil viewed him which is that hes The Best at exy but sort of annoying and harsh and needs to stick for himself more #idk idk but as of recent ive just been having a lot of emotions thinking about him. and especially wymack and him. #like he was just robbed of so much. and hes honestly so brave despite what people may think? hes soso flawed but thats what makes me love #him even more. he's just trying. so hard. to undo everything thats been engrained in him. and i just wanna cry and cry and cry!!! #because hes come so far! and hes amazing. and i wish i could properly express everything thats running through my mind rn but thats all i #got. back to reading fic centering kevin and wymack now 😭 #le text post

[androidboy]

-

#my girlfriend got Quiet and Pensive a couple times and would just look at me fondly but like she was thinkin hard about something #and i’d ask what she was thinkin and she’d give a little half smile and shake her head and say nothing #and then i was on the phone with her and thanked her for how she responded to my lil breakdown yesterday #and she was just quiet for a moment and then said ‘i really like you’ #and then we were talking about possible past lives and she sent me her fave short story and i told her i had read it when she mentioned it #last time and she talked about the theme of soulmates and how some people can have soulmates that are separated by time #and then she said ‘and some people get lucky and their soulmate is just 20 miles away’ #and after we got off the phone i doublechecked and we live 20 miles away from each other #and idk how serious she was bc i know she believes everyone has a main soulmate and i think 3 secondary soulmates that are just as good #as the main one #and idk i wish i could read her mind

[unladielike]

So since it has been brought to my attention some rumours have been circulating about me, I just wanna make a few things clear.

First off, I did not supposedly stalk anyone's blog for years.

If need be, I can even provide my IP address (aka self-dox myself) to prove any screencaps to be false, but I'm nowhere near obsessive enough to check somebody's blog everyday. Like, sure, I might visit blogs of ex-mutuals every once in a blue moon out of curiosity, but contrary to popular belief, tumblr doesn't take up 90% of my time and at best, I would maybe lurk on COAR to read new confessions or refresh my dash once per day just in case non-active partners of mine have returned.

If anything, my time has been mostly comprised of going to work and grinding mobile gachas; in fact, should I notice I have replies to write, I will log in, throw my replies into the queue/save written replies in my drafts folder to queue later, and then fuck off to do other stuff. Honestly, provided someone has beef with me, it's unlikely I would know why unless my encounter with them on tumblr had been rather recent.

To my knowledge, I haven't harassed anyone off of tumblr.

Now, did I have spats with my own fair share of people over the eight or nine years I have been on this hellsite? Yes. Have I made vague posts about ex-mutuals, unintentionally ghosted others, privately vented to friends about people from the RPC I personally can't stand, and commented on COAR confessions? Also, yes.

But that being said, the only one I've ever sent anon hate to was myself and if I played a part in somebody deactivating their blog or quitting tumblr roleplay altogether, then that's certainly news to me, because I don't like participating in public smear campaigns, to the point where I even avoid name dropping certain users in my rules or PSAs I've made. Heck, the way I see it, I can only ever recall myself being relentlessly harassed/bullied, because when it comes to me for some reason, people on this site sadly don't know how to block and move on like normal people.

I also have never encouraged anyone to delete their blogs or chase them out of the RPC and have only ever reported one person due to the fact they would not stop posting about me/attempt to provoke me into engaging in drama on a site that we both frequent despite having me blocked; therefore, I have no idea where the narrative of me harassing people off of tumblr even comes from. Besides, I'm nowhere near popular enough to influence whatever following I have to dog pile on whoever I have grievances with, let alone have many people who would go to bat for me each time I'm being unfairly criticized. Honestly, the one time someone did call out my harasser, it was something I had no control over and they did so without my permission, to the point where I did privately tell them to stop url-dropping me and engaging with this person on my behalf... because again, I just wanted to be left alone.

Furthermore, I make it very clear to mutuals I've vented to that they don't have to unfollow/block roleplayers I've had bad experiences with... so I'm not sure if this is merely a case of the Mandela Effect rearing it's ugly head, individuals making up bad faith reasons to dislike me, or an issue of mistaken identity (especially since I'm likely not the only one who goes by the mun handle, 'Livi', and it has happened before where somebody had wrongly assumed a blog belonged to another person).

Of course, it's possible I could have forgotten stuff, as I have had more than three blogs over the years, so naturally, I won't remember all the OOC posts I have ever shared, let alone every instance before 2022 where I have been involved in drama... but regardless, I refuse to take accountability for things I have never done unless you personally come to me off anon with screenshots that provide evidence.

#drama tw #⸾ ❖︎ ⸾ ( OUT OF ) ⤹ •• 𝕗𝕒𝕟𝕗𝕚𝕔𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟. #║▌ ⧼ ⸢ ʚɞ ⸣︳p̲u̲b̲l̲i̲c̲ ̲s̲e̲r̲v̲i̲c̲e̲ ̲a̲n̲n̲o̲u̲n̲c̲e̲m̲e̲n̲t̲. ⧽ ― THIS SHOULD COME WITH SUBTITLES IN REAL LIFE. #[ the rest of this post is hidden underneath a read more in case people would prefer to scroll past ooc posts revolving around drama ] #[ BUT HONESTLY Y'ALL... i'm tired and just wish people would talk to me if they have an issue instead of keeping tabs on my blogs ] #[ and thinking i somehow wouldn't notice if they vagued about me especially after passive aggressively responding to almost all my takes ] #[ on a public platform where everyone could see ] #[ and mind you... this isn't me 'playing the victim' or 'virtue signalling' for my brain genuinely draws a blank whenever i attempt to ] #[ recall things i've been FALSELY accused of so i'm inclined to believe i did nothing wrong ] #[ still anyone who thinks otherwise IS welcome to change my mind as i am open to discussion! ]

[suffarustuffaru]

Vincent for the asky thing! He's my lil blorbo

SORRY ANON FOR TAKING SO LONG WITH FHIS ASK it got lost in my drafts oops. and also again another disclaimer—i still havent gotten to reading the ex novels but i will someday i promise 😭😭 and i do not have the attention span to read 100% of arc 7 rn but i will do my best with what i know about vincent <3 ty for trusting me with ur blorbo 👍

Sexuality Headcanon: 🏳️‍🌈👍 gay. 100%.

Gender Headcanon: ok so i do know that like hes been crossdressing since he was younger to save his life and thats why hes so like chill with crossdressing and ALSO LIKE i like the idea that hes just Super Chill with playing with his gender presentation more and he likes doing it a bit!! and like will do traditionally feminine stuff??? makeup?????? idk smth along these lines. gender nonconforming king.

A ship I have with said character: VINCENT/CHISHA 10000%. like theyre one of those pairings where its like. platonic or not they WERE super close like. insanely close. but also if u read into it as being Gay it also makes So Much Sense. like?? yes ok @ottosuwuen has that hc that vincent learned makeup or something from chisha (who clearly wears eye makeup 24/7) and like. urhgh gh the image of them doing each others makeup. OK but canonically speaking vincent/chishas relationship makes me soft. LIKE YES its partially the ottosuba shipper in me bc the obvious parallels are obvious but sometimes i just really like two mansplain manipulate malewife manwhores okay. and like the way chisha does ALL OF THIS (*insert chishas bonkers plan here*) TO SAVE VINCENTS LIFE……….. and the way they met being like vincent deciding to hire chisha wkfndn…. like……… they bend over backwards for each other i feel. theres something so sweet about it and like that Intense Loyalty there….. oh to be chisha and be loyal to your emperor Like This….. and then of course the tragedy. vincent grieving chisha broke my heart :(( their relationship just really intrigues me. its so heartfelt with a clear beginning and end and it ends so SADLY but chisha did all that to save vincent!!! chisha would want vincent to move on and be happy!!! chisha and vincents relationship didnt end happy necessarily bc chishas gone :(( but their love mattered okay it matters so much to me. and vincent. and its just crazy to me how chisha can Perfectly Imitate vincent like it shows how deep their connection was. along with of course chisha doing All Of That, as ive said.

A BROTP I have with said character: subaru and vincent + vincent and prisca/priscilla 1000%. like as for subaru and vincent like. the development of their relationship over time is really interesting to me. like they foil so well—they embody these different morals and ideals and vincent really emphasizes like cunning and ruthlessness and how you just cant be a hero or save everyone or solve things bloodlessly. and then subaru tries to do shit like his bloodless siege plan and that DID work. like i think the direction for them seems to be to have moderation with these two ideals? bc of course….. subaru cant be a hero. sometimes you cant save everyone. thats just being realistic. and on the other hand, by arc 8 vincents gone and REQUESTED the emilia camps help. which is a MONUMENTAL step given vollachias viewpoints on strength and weakness and of course the fact that vincents the emperor. like i just think subaru and vincents relationship and development together has been super fascinating. vincents not mean about natsumi (unlike rem or al…) bc why would he? crossdressing has saved his life. and vincent Has learned to trust a bit and turn to others for help by arc 8 which is super interesting i think. that and well. vincent and chishas relationship and their End to it (chisha dying :<<) got subaru thinking about how sad he’d be if otto died which…… well ig vincent and subaru gonna foil some more if otto dies 😭😭😭😭😭 LMAO… but yeah anyway i love the way vincent and subaru really emphasize and symbolize the whole themes and Contrasting Ideals of the vollachia saga. it seems like theyre set up to learn from each other some more :o

AND OF COURSE vincent and prisca. i dont know much yet but <3 like they were close!!!! they cared for each other!!!! he took the time and effort to make a plan for her to fake her death and make her new identity as priscilla!! LIKE he didnt have the heart to kill her….. in an all out fight to the death brawl with his gazillion other siblings for the throne…. like that means so much. im very interested in reading their interactions sometime <3

A NOTP I have with said character: i will probs find notps im more passionate about once i like. actually read more rezero. but like the big notp rn is like. vincent/priscilla aofndndnd PLEASE. THEYRE SIBLINGS.

A random headcanon: like okay theres the makeup headcanon but also in general i like the idea of chisha also doing vincents hair when hes crossdressing and stuff. bc chisha has Long Hair so he must know some things right?? i just love the quiet intimacy of it all……. and like u could have like. u know those moments in period dramas where the assistant to royalty is helping them dress…… yeah yeah pls i need it to happen with chisha/vincent.

General Opinion over said character: im gonna be so honest rn pls dont kill me………. but tbh for a moment when i learned the arc title for arc 8 was vincent vollachia i wanted to throw hands at first. like that was my gut reaction. not because i hate vincent but like it was me just going “URHJFGHH THE TITLE DOESNT MATCH THE OTHER ARC TITLES UNTIL THIS POINT….. NOOOO…. IT DOESNT MATCH…..” like you have arc 5 for example and its called the stars that shape history or something. and its like yeah snazzy title, fits how arc 5 revolves around such a large cast of like the main players for the royal selection. arc 7 is called land of the wolves and yep makes sense. snazzy. fits pretty well. AND THEN YOU GO TO ARC 8. AND ITS CALLED. VINCENT VOLLACHIA. A WHOLE ARC NAMED AFTER A CHARACTER??? IM SORRY BUT I STILL THINK IT DOESNT MATCH WITH THE OTHER ARC TITLES…. SORRY VINCENT BUT LIKE……. UR AN AWESOME DUDE BUT………. IT COULDVE STILL BEEN A FUN TITLE THAT REFERENCED U BUT NO ITS JUST UR NAME…… SORRY MAN BUT I JUST THINK…….

otherwise like. i was mostly neutral on vincent for a while—like ive always thought he was interesting but mostly i was only neutral bc i was more distracted but whatever the fuck my blorbo subaru has going on in arc 7 aodndnd yeah i was just distracted HAH. well that and arc 7 WAS my intro to vincent (and literally everything going on with vollachias politics) so like i didnt have much interest for most of the ex novels until i got to arc 7 and suddenly gained a bunch of side character blorbos along the way. and like admittedly arc 7 is. i feel like its chaotic which—ok yeah obviously its chaotic but i always felt like arc 5 was like more tightly knit with it? like more purposeful, and it was easier for me to get invested in everyone there bc royal selection stuff has been established since the beginning and the main storys been in/around lugunica…. until arc 7. for me it was like jarring at first. especially since like. littol old me with my lack of ex novel knowledge at the time was left floundering a bit bc WOAH VOLLACHIA THINGS ALL AT ONCE…. NEW CHARACTERS…. ANOTHER NEW CHARACTER… NEW CHARACTER NUMBER 1000… and tbh i was like. it felt so sudden all at once to me so i found it hard to be super invested in SO MANY PEOPLE all at once HAH. which i get was like. it was pretty understandable to have so many people. but it took me a WHILE to get warmed up to the vollachia drama for these reasons wkdndn so yes i warmed up to vincent even more over time <33 i think the final nail in the coffin for me caring about him was like. seeing his facade crack after he gets beat up by subaru in arc 8 and he just. Cracks. and he collapses to his knees and sobs over losing chisha and its such a human moment—like i think its easy to forget vincent is still human (ESPECIALLY when vollachia loathes weakness so much!!) bc he’ll do shit like only blinking one eye at a time bc Understandable Paranoia from being Vollachia’s Emperor and he’ll be like ruthless and cunning but like in that moment hes just. crying over losing his dearest friend bc said friend made this elaborate plan to sacrifice himself to save vincent. and when vincent just asked “why did you leave me?”…… like that survivor’s guilt and distress and despair and grief is so universal and understandable…. so YEAH HAH i really softened up some more to vincent bc like i said. its such a human moment and that moment with him and subaru is like tjis big step in vincents development. its fascinating!! im interested to see what happens next in arc 8 and im interested to learn more about him <3 i took a while to get used to the vollachia drama but now i am Very intrigued. and also i know way more lore now compared to when arc 7 first started so yayy!!!!! everyday i become even more of a nerd for rezero. 😭😭 im coming for those ex novels someday. like i said.

also his names are badass ngl. vincent abellux…. vincent vollachia….. now those are names i imagine an emperor would have HAH. good stuff.

#re:zero #vincent vollachia #vincent abellux #very side note but. I WISH HIS HAIR WAS DOWN AS BIANCA INSTEAD OF THAT BRAID….. LIKE IDK I JUST FEEL LIKE HAIR DOWN WOULDVE BEEN BETTER #AND IT WOULDVE MATCHED FLOP AND NATSUMI MORE LIKE…. THEY HAVE THEIR HAIR DOWN….. LET BIANCA HAVE HAIR DOWN…. #ask #people talk to me about ex novel things and every time im like I WISH I COULD ACCESS THEM… LET ME IN…. LET ME READ!!! PLS…. PLS!!! AA A A A #every time man. #i gotta buy them tho dont i 😭😭 i dont mind bc i love rz but itll take a while if so HAH #or pray my local library has some but im not sure about that wkdndn #arc 7-8 spoilers

[queenlucythevaliant]

Do you think Behemoth and Leviathan were actually real and happened to be dinosaurs? Behemoth was a huge and formidable land dinosaur while Leviathan was a pleisiosaur. Technically, plesiosaurs weren't dinosaurs, but you get my idea?

So I've been sitting on this ask for a little bit because I honestly didn't know what tone to take in answering it. I don't know your background, and thus don't know whether to be more blunt or delicate. Ultimately, I settled on blunt, simply because I could not figure out how to answer this question delicately. That said, I hope you take this in the gracious spirit in which I have written it.

SO. That's a hard no from me, friend. Let's discuss!

So typically when you hear people say that Behemoth and Leviathan were dinosaurs (or dinosaur adjacent), it's in the context of arguments in favor of young earth creationism. It's a fairly big talking point with the Answers in Genesis crowd. Basically, they make the argument that Biblical texts referencing creatures that superficially resemble dinosaurs are evidence that humans and dinosaurs could have lived at the same time.

This works out if the earth is only 6,000 years old, but not if we take paleontology, geology, or human evolution at all seriously. The writer of Job would have had no way of knowing that dinosaurs and plesiosaurs existed because they had already been extinct for many millions of years. Even if you want to argue that maybe God is describing creatures with which Job was unfamiliar, it still doesn't track. God's address to Job treats these creatures as something for which he has a point of reference. It also just doesn't make sense why God would choose this moment to reveal the existence of dinosaurs. Talk about a tangent!

I don't know where you fall on the spectrum of Christian beliefs regarding origins and the age of the earth, but I've written at length on this blog about the case for theistic (old earth) evolution, so I won't rehash that here. Check out my all truth is God's truth tag or shoot me an ask if you want more on that. Regarding Behemoth and Leviathan, however, I think some of the same exegetical skills involved in reading (or misreading) Genesis are involved in the relevant chapters of Job.

When God addresses Job out of the whirlwind, he uses poetic language. He's talking about a real thing (his sovereignty over the universe), but it's something that transcends human comprehension on an overwhelming scale. Much like we can't ever hope to wrap our heads around deep time, we're simply not capable of grasping the extent of God's sovereignty.

When God describes storehouses of hail reserved for the day of battle, are we supposed to literally think that there is a giant building in heaven where God keeps all his hail? Or is it a picture of God's might as both creator and judge of the universe? If we know our Bibles, we see that hail is frequently used as a tool of judgement against God's enemies: Egypt, the Canaanites, apostate Israel, and ultimately the rebellious earth. So when God describes his storehouses of hail, we see the reality of his total control over the arc of history, his ultimate justice, his orderliness.

Likewise, Behemoth and Leviathan use the established language and symbolism of Scripture to convey truths for which plain language wouldn't suffice. Behemoth's description isn't that of any real animal, living or extinct. God paints a picture of a creature that no man could ever hope to tame and expresses that he, God, can.

Leviathan is the longer and more interesting image; it's a mighty creature of the deep that breathes fire and cannot be controlled. We know that in Biblical parlance, water is frequently associated with chaos (too many places to enumerate, but Psalms, the Prophets, and Revelation are good starting places). Leviathan is a picture of this chaos: mighty, rearing, deadly, uncontrollable, terrifying. Then God says to Job, "Can you draw this creature out with a fishhook? Can you make a covenant with him? Will he serve you? Can you injure him? Do you have any means at all of controlling the chaos monster? I do." It's poetry used to express a truth that we humans cannot hope to grasp otherwise: We cannot control the chaos of the world around us. We can't even try. But God can, and he does it effortlessly.

So no. Not dinosaurs. And I think that arguing that they are, especially trying to pick through the text and figure out which ones they're supposed to be and using that to argue for literalistic interpretations of Genesis, really misses the point and the power of what God is saying here.

I think Job's words back to God at the end of the book actually give us a remarkably important principle when it comes to Biblical interpretation: "I have uttered what I do not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know." The whole Bible is too wonderful for us. God condescended in order to give us his truth, and he had the magnificent grace to give it to us in ways that we can begin to grasp.

I think a lot of really literalistic reads on Scripture (Job, Genesis, Revelation, and elsewhere) are a kind of grasping at control. There's an assumption in it that God gave the ancients an exact accounting of things that humans just aren't equipped to fully comprehend.

That doesn't mean we shouldn't try! But it does mean that when we read Scripture concerning the Big Things: the Sovereignty of God, the creation of the universe, the origin of life, eternity, infinity, even spiritual mysteries like the Trinity and the nature of the Incarnation, we have to approach it as something fundamentally beyond our comprehension which God is showing us the edges of. We can see other, different edges of many of those same things through scientific observation (or philosophy, or whatever other disciplines-- not all of the Big Things are scientific in nature.)

It's like Isaac Newton said: "I do not know what I may appear to the world, but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the sea-shore, and diverting myself in now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me."

#i really really hope that this doesn't read as unkind #i really appreciate the question! and i don't know where you're coming from generally #but this stuff makes my heart sing #or ache sometimes when i see people reading the Bible in certain ways #i love my YEC brothers and sisters which is why I'm so passionate about theistic evolution #it's about panting after truth-- all truth any truth more truth than I can ever have #and yet recognizing that some truths are too lofty for me #i wish like hell that I could cast my mind back and really understand deep time #the eons the clockwork-precision the tides leading to life #i wish that i could understand the mysteries of knowledge the mysteries of God's sovereignty of suffering of grace of the Godhead #i will have so so many questions for God when I see him face to face #and even then i probably will not be given all the answers #i am trying to learn how to be okay with that #side note: there will be scientific research in the new heavens and the new earth i am all but sure of it #all truth is God's truth #ask me hard questions

[craycraybluejay]

If I wanted to, I could, and worse, you would let me

#and my delusions and aches need healing #and i need you #to love me enough for me not to want to force my love on you #and my rational mind wherever it is knows you do it knows it does #it knows #but. the irrational mind wants some kind of Proof #it wants to force to feed to get inside and look around #nothings ever enough for me i want inside #soft and warm like the womb #you know it #the sick me wants you to somehow prove everything ever #proof of love. proof that im not the only monster. proof of protection of care of empathy of trust of acceptance #its never enough but to be fair you and i both know who made me this way #of course there were many but there are catalysts and then there are nothing-people #prove it to me #i look at you and i feel like youre slipping away someone else has their guts on you someone else has convinced you they are worth your tim #but theyre pathetic and not poetic about it. weak and spineless. they USE YOU to make themselves look strong they USE YOU to talk shit at t #they are useless so they use you like me. and i know i cannot rush it cannot learn your lessons for you #i can't convince you of whats dangrous or cruel until you live it until it breaks your golden heart #but i wish i could protect you from all that somehow #and too i wish a million years would pass and you were as dark as me and as kind as you #its selfish but i hate to see you truly hurt i hate it. it makes me so violently angry. my brain turns off i cant help it #you hurt so Easy you're so very soft but every tiny cruelty that hurts you i want to completely erase off this earth #i dont care if its alive if its helpless if it doesnt know better i dont care if it didnt mean to all i want to do is prove to you show you #keep you safe and cared for #its irrational. i'd put away honour and hurt someone weaker than me if it made you happy if it made you feel safe #i wish i could eliminate the real threat but i cant im trying #you make me crazy and you make me feel normal and simple and human. i know everything about you-- i want to know more #my irrational brain doesn't even register accepted right and wrong only what it considers significant and important. my rational brain read #it like a million page rulebook. be normal be good don't hurt anyone don't get dead don't act before you think

[turmite]

im convinced one of my friends is super angry with me but i cant just assume this i should talk to them but also id rather just pretend things are fine. but its been over a month now & i still think theyre mad at me. why does communication have to suck so bad. well im glad i mostly talk to myself

#i wish people could read my mind i will be honest #i dont vague where people can see it so if you follow me its not about you

[frazzledazzlin]

hope u guys don't mind me being a little queer sometimes and talking to myself in the tags, it helps clear my head since people can filter out rant posts easily

#bc i had not used this place in a while until late 2022 ive absolutely forgotten if i used to talk to myself in tags here before or not #i say this bc i now have people who actively see my art here n just throwing random rants here would be very rude so i prefer tags help #feels safer here too LOL #also feels a little scary but im sure that's normal for many that there are ppl who read all tags mein gott #NOT A BAD THING THAT PPL READ TAGS i wouldn't be writing anything if i wanted to kill people for reading tags lol #just stating observations aheem aheem #its like writing on a public bathroom's walls and people passing by to be like “damn bitch ok” /funny #also do not worry at all about how i express myself i do apologize if my words sometimes sound like im on the brink but like #violence is the only way i love to be expressive HELP #watch me be on the government watchlist for the shit ive said gootbyeeeeeeee #but do not feel worried i will be ok eventually every time. sometimes i just gotta explode oh so violently to deflate and feel normal again #WISH I COULD USE EMOJIS ON THIS DAMN PC #anyway the person im trying my damned to avoid is Sure Making It Difficult #at least the people i wanted to know why i was autotune crying baby for a while heard me out n im alive in that regard finally smile emoji #how long can you keep gently hinting you want to distance yourself from somebody until you lose your goddam mind and feel sweet relief when #they actually leave said group themselves after getting my blunt hints help help #oh i sound so fucking rude with just my side but mein gott i don't care bc it was never a serious thing to begin with #just shot my anger thru the roof for good reason and finalliegh im getting mutual distance from that person lol #never get close with ur fave artists worst mistake of my life /hj for real #u start off loving seeing them every time and then boom youre sad how things turned out every time you see them my god #also make sure ur minor friends dont feel like they need to mend things for the adults i feel so fucking sad for someone bc of this rn but #i talked to them n hopefully they understand aouhg. #anyway back to queer posting thats enough soup for today good god #ranting

[fishing-lesbian-catgirl]

I’m just tired ok

#fuck all these tags of personal ranting this post is funny now. thanks sugar daddy bot #I’m burnt out #I spend my entire life either at work or in my tiny apartment #I’m afraid to leave. I’m afraid to do anything. I’m afraid #I don’t know how to stop feeling like a burden to every person i interact with #I can’t even reach out to people to ask for help. and when they reach out to me I just say I’m fine and I don’t need help #I’m lying because I’m fucking broken #wow this depression spiral is hitting me hard lol #I would say I’m sorry to my followers but if anything I wouldn’t mind if me being insane drove some of you away #I don’t know why anyone follows me in the first place #if you’re reading this far you must be really dedicated to hearing me complain #what am I fucking doing #the thoughts never stop I wish they’d stop I want it to be quiet #even when I do things that are supposed to be relaxing like fishing I spend the whole time worrying about if strangers think I’m weird #when I exist in a public space I feel like I am violating said space. like I don’t belong #I’m not going to do anything but gosh being alive is tiresome and I wish I could just like take a break.

[bookshelf-in-progress]

Springtime means that instead of writing, my brain is just cycling through my springtime retellings:

Four different ideas to retell "The Goose Girl"

Two ideas to retell "The Princess and the Pea"

My traditional retelling of "The Twelve Huntsmen"

A couple of the most springtime-y "Cinderella" ideas (thankfully my "Tattercoats" retelling counts as one of these)

Interspersed with the occasional:

I need to develop one of my original fiction ideas to prove I'm not just a hack who can only write retellings

#adventures in writing #fairy tale retellings #the twelve huntsmen has been on my mind since this is the time of year for it and because i just read a loose retelling of it #the princess and the pea comes to mind every time there's rain #i just had a breakthrough on the one that makes it an anastasia type story #realizing that instead of telling it from the pov of the prince or the queen #as them trying to solve a mystery that we know the answer to because we know what fairy tale it's retelling #it's much more interesting to tell it from the pov of the princess #who is dealing with the heartbreak of finally making it back to the people you love #only for them not to believe that you're you #the other princess and the pea and a goose girl and one of the cinderellas are arateph stories #that i waver between wishing i could develop into something beautiful and wishing i could just cut my losses and leave it be #so as not to mar the original by attaching more half-baked retellings to it #the most recent and most satisfying breakthrough came this morning #related to the most viable of the goose girl retellings #a non-magical culture clash fantasy story that was originally from the pov of the handmaid #that ran into problems partly because i couldn't get a good handle on the princess character #i recently started to think that taking it from the princess' perspective would be more satisfying #either replacing or in addition to the handmaid pov #but i couldn't get a handle on her character #i wanted her to be quiet and timid but i didn't want her just to be the same shy uncertain princess who stars in most retellings #i wanted her to have some pride/snobbishness/prejudice that she needs to get over #but i couldn't seem to reconcile those two sides into one character #until i realized that she's not shy or scholarly--she's *cultured* #she's kind and quiet and a bit shy #she understands refined languages and writes poetry and does delicate artwork and has trained to be the wife of a civilized prince #so suddenly getting forced into marriage with a barbarian king is the worst thing that could happen #and her arc involves learning that these people aren't barbarians and their culture is just as valuable as hers #and that the king she was supposed to marry is actually a supremely kind and civilized person #and it could be a lovely little romance if i could actually write it instead of cycling to the next ideas

[yuridovewing]

oh the library had shadows of the clans (mapleshades vengeance and goosefeather's curse) so i may finally be able to give you my accurate mapleshade opinions finally

#< guy who made some hcs about the nature of mapleshades curse didnt even read her novella #in my defense i didnt know where to get it when it first dropped and i just never cared to check after lol #goosefeathers curse ive heard is good tho. or at least interesting #pre mv thoughts: i do sorta wish she was lying about her backstory (or at least distorted it over the years) #or that the characters around her weren't ''as bad''. like id keep oakstar being terrible and mayyybe appledusk but thats it #but! i shall see when i read it on that last bit. i could totally change my mind and decide ''yeah i like this book being full of assholes' #in a ''no one is the protagonist its just shitty people clashing'' way #which can be a fun read sometimes #... wow im really dragging my feet on continuing avos jsdlkfjsdlkfsdf

[army-of-bee-assassins]

you know i mostly really like my grad program and everything but i have very quickly learned not to ask too much about vision and hearing loss bc it turns out most of the faculty here know very little about those things. they know a little bit about hearing loss but really only in the sense of "get them fitted with hearing aids/CI as early as possible so they can develop like a hearing child". i really wanna learn more about language development in deaf, blind, and deafblind children because that's the population i specifically wanna work with (and have worked with in the past). and it's just been frustrating having my questions about those populations be met with "uh. i'm really not sure."

most of the faculty have been nice about it, but i have had the misfortune of being assigned an advisor who is borderline hostile about it. the first time i brought up this subject, (back through email when i was still deciding where to go), i was asking about an ASL elective that was offered within the program and whether there were any other electives with related topics. she responded by telling me that this was a masters program in speech language pathology, not ASL. great! you could've just said "no." the second time it came up was a few weeks ago when i talked to her about maybe doing a masters thesis (i won't be doing one, by the way). i said that if i were to do one, it would be about deafness, blindness, and/or deafblindness, and she said something like, "that's not a subject that's typically studied or taught in a CSD curriculum". as if it's just crazy that i as a CSD student would want to learn about something as esoteric as fucking vision and hearing loss! what a marvel!! not like those two senses have fucking anything to do with communication huh??? not like children who are deafblind face significant barriers in their development of language, the effects of which i have personally seen in numerous individuals??? clearly i'm really the crazy one here

#sorry this ended up turning into a rant about this specific professor lol #i did mean for it to be more general but she really pissed me off #she has in fact pissed me off two out of the two times i have spoken to her so that's cool #she apparently also sucks as a prof but my cohort has lucked out bc #she was supposed to teach neuro this semester and artic/phono next semester but isn't for unknown reasons #so we get other (better) teachers #apparently i will have to have her this summer tho :/ #anyway as to why i'm getting steamed about this weeks after the fact #i'm currently reading a paper on deafblindness (that i personally chose for a class project) and it's just on my mind again #everyone in the class had to pick papers on a population of interest for them (like autism; down syndrome; selective mutism; etc) #and there's a public list of what everyone chose and i'm the only one who chose anything about vision/hearing which i guess isn't surprisin #but yeah the more i think about this stuff the more i kinda wish i had taken all my prereqs so i could have applied to go to gallaudet #if there's any program that's gonna have people who know more about these populations it's there #out of the places i was accepted i feel very confident i chose the best option #this place has a brand new asl program and so they are actively making efforts to raise deaf awareness in the dept #but even with that it's still astonishing how people in this field brush off knowing anything about these populations #like yeah it's very low incidence i can get that #but we still learned a bunch about fucking williams syndrome and that's exceedingly rare #and rare or not it has a demonstrable effect on language development which makes it extremely relevant #jesus i'm sorry for the tag essay i'm gonna stop #i am procrastinating as usual bc i can't focus on this paper even though i am very interested #here is that grad school tag

[gazelessmenagerie]

No one:

me, waking up bc for some reason the heater is up and I am sweating to have to get up and crack open the window: .... The reason I focus hard on the personal struggles and inner turmoil of Broly is just because that’s how I see his character aside from the terrifying psycho he is when all hell breaks loose from him after years of what could be trauma. Yeah everyone loves his lssj form but fuck if i don’t like seeing what could possibly go on beneath the surface. What aspects could be warped or driven to be a certain way because its all he ever knew and how would it affect him when small changes are coaxed into him through repeated interactions and slowly getting used to having someone around that he legitimately becomes accustomed to.

another part of my brain: ... is this also an elaborate way to say I have no goddamn idea what to do with the lssj because in my head, he can basically obliterate just about anything? yes. yes it is. the only valid way I can see him actually getting into trouble outside of powerful transformations by capable individuals or their own power alone is actually Himself because his Anger is so prevalent that it stresses him out without the aid of that suppression device forcing him to calm down (or having certain people in some cases that manage to have enough of a bond to him that he is capable of calming down to their efforts or ways they employ). Honestly, what sort of after effects could happen to him being used to this device and the feelings it forced upon and then suddenly getting his freedom away from it? The bastard’s more intelligent than he lets on and its evident through watching him fight with what could very well just be ambush tactics and throwing his weight around as what he probably learned from growing up watching other predatory animals as he grew into power.

The Heehoo part of my brain: ... Him being a fucking psycho is hot but lmfao I don’t think I can use it much outside of plotted threads or drabbles. I blame some artists for capturing that side of him so well in illustrative mediums and I hope to one day get to that level but in a literary sense (along with artistic but that’s already a bit of a work in progress)

My body: can the cold air get in here faster? sweating up a damn storm from the heater being too high.

#|| Character Study: {Broly} #( and then I look on twitter and realize... wrow #( glad I'm not interested in any db discourse bc gd. the amount of people I'd need to block would be staggering. ) #( I just throw some choice pieces of art I do and call it a day. read some of the nice comments and fade back to here ) #( where I can splurge my ideas and wants with this fucking asshole villain and flourish. ) #( love it when he finally gets some better things but also love it when he becomes deranged and a damned menace ) #( adfljg idk. could be me overanalyzing my own muse bc I don't touch upon his viciously darker aspects as much ) #( precisely because he can fucking destroy almost anyone in an actual fight up until they surpass his lssj and then ) #( he'd eventually break his own power ceiling in attaining even higher forms. ) #( BUT. that isn't to say all forms are available to him and others require a monumentous amount of work from him ) #( on the personal growth level to actually be acheivable in the first place. ) #( I want him to fucking struggle with himself. I want him to struggle against factors he never anticipated before and has to adapt in ways ) #( beyond his instinctual habit of getting fucking pissed off. ) #( and in the same token. seeing how destructive it becomes not only to the environment/battle but to himself is just another ) #( facet I enjoy exploring and I kinda lowkey wish the actual show or maybe some medium of media could tap into that ) #( than make him just the secret boss again or like an add-in for something. idk afnlsdgj ) #( I love the fucking nuggets I get from such smaller pieces like him getting amnesiac and actually being a bit better. ) #( to how much of a drastic change of mind he gets talking to him in xenoverse and picking apart his dialogue in a ) #( constant state of lssj vs what his actual personality might be when he's in base form. ) #( still an asshole but at least he could be reasoned with a little more... or he just flat out kills you bc he fucking can and its funny ) #( the thoughts I have about this asshole are many and I only wish I could write them down and explore them without being limited to ) #( time. motivation and availability on myself and others adsnflgj ) #( thx for coming to my morning ted talk alfahsldhgkdjslgj )