#i woke up randomly with a migraine so this was a great distraction | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

whimsicaldragonette · 7 years

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Follow-up to yesterday’s “Confession” post

So, this morning I woke up with a mild-but-annoying headache (caused by the sinus congestion from this cold) - which I eventually admitted was actually a migraine after it got worse and was unaffected by ice packs or peppermint oil or decongestants or painkillers or coffee or food. Ahem. Anyway. So I said “oh, fine” and took the imitrex (which I was trying not to, since I’d already had it too much last week, but what can you do.)

Anyway. tl;dr migraine. Then in the shower I noticed that I had several new bruises on my arms and legs. And then discovered while washing my hair it was coming out about 10,000x more than usual and in pretty big clumps and so I rolled my eyes and said “oh, great. Not *this* again.” Because this happens every so often (random bruises, lotsa hair loss) and docs are perplexed and bloodwork is fine, and then it randomly goes away again.

Anyway. So I was distracted by having to constantly untangle all the hair from my fingers while shampooing, and wasn’t quite as careful with my movements as usual. Even though I really should have been, because my joints were all popping like mad (shoulders, elbows, wrists, fingers, hips, knees, ankles, toes..) with every movement. And then my left wrist went ‘click/crunch’ and felt like the joint... slipped a little? Like it dislocated, but only a little bit.

And I said “oh, great. really. lovely.” and tried to get it right but of *course* it refused to fix itself. So my fingers were sorta tingly and white and cold, and I once again had no strength in my grip. So I did the only thing I could: I finished showering, got dressed, strapped a brace onto that wrist, and continued my day.

It was sunny and warm, and I decided that I really needed to give yesterday’s agoraphobia-induced panic the middle finger, so I corralled my husband and the toddler and insisted we go on a walk. Because you see, my agoraphobia doesn’t show up *at all* so long as I have somebody with me. Honestly.

Anyway, so my husband, bless him, kept asking if we should turn back, and was I sure i could handle it, and don’t push yourself too hard, and let’s just go around the block, which was sweet but hella annoying because it felt so good to get out walking.

Anyway, we ended up walking up to the library on the university campus and back - a total of 1.5 miles, a quarter of that uphill/stairs (and another quarter downhill/stairs. obviously.)

And then I realized that it was almost 4pm and the only thing I’d eaten all day was a granola bar at breakfast and some leftover stir-fried veggies at lunch. Oops. But I totally remembered to take my morning AND afternoon meds.

#personal #me #chronic illness #migraine #unidentified chronic illness #agoraphobia #shilo rambles

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badweatherbiologist · 5 years

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one of those days

you guessed it. it’s time again

for some reason these days never hit me out of the blue. it’s always right after i watched a show in which they like do heavy research on someone’s background, after I’ve been around people close to me for too long, or after i get upset. one of those days, where my brain is just tired.

it never hits out of the blue, like i said. in general, it’s a very short and rapid build up. i fight with someone who oversteps my boundaries. someone crosses a line. someone else gets angry. in the meanwhile, people on the net, my friends, my irl friends and family all seem to want stuff from me. it’s like i’m caught in a spider’s web, but the web is just everyone sucking up my energy.

result: i get depleted. hardcore with a migraine to top it all off. and in those moments, i’m torn between wanting to cry, wanting to be alone, and wanting someone to just like sit with me

in silence

instead of being so loud

like my brain can’t function like this

i have so many things to be happy about too, you know. friends are doing well. brother is doing well. everyone did good on their exams.

notice how i don’t speak about anything about myself

because literally everything is going to shit again

but it doesn’t matter

for some reason people are only happy with me when i’m catering to their needs again. i thought by putting boundaries there, it’d stop, but people just don’t give a fuck, don’t respect them, don’t listen to anything i want or need unless they’re literally family (friends included) and even then, it’s fucking difficult

like i spent a night at my friends’ place, had a great time, even if i felt this coming on last night after we watched Hannibal, the series. for some reason, seeing socio/psychopaths exploit empaths really doesn’t do it for me the way it does for everyone else, but i guess we have different views. i could say the same about the god damn sherlock fandom, which still thinks that being high functioning and a sociopath doesn’t mean their fav is a sociopath, without feelings, thus imo, not even worth oxygen, but again, i’m biased.

i love my friends a lot, i do, but i think me watching Hannibal was a mistake. i kept getting overly distracted by Hannibal, i kept being unable to focus because my brain was already processing things, and then, for some reason, a friend of mine crossed the boundary.

one of them started whining about how i didn’t welcome them enough and how i didn’t want them in my discord server (which i literally made because i wanted her to meet my friends online, bc she and they are important to me) then another downright blocked me on everything when i told him to stop something

like i don’t know what people want from me, i can’t bend myself and my self esteem in a trizillion ways to please people, and i refuse, but the fact that neither of them gave enough of a fuck to apologise says more about them than about me.

then i went to bed and had a conversation with another friend/b and we talked about sociopathy, which did nothing to help my feels, and i woke up at 4 and have been awake ever since. then, the morning was nice, i played cah with my friends and it was great. then we start talking about our youths, and how psychologists do help. i confess that i don’t actually tell anyone the entire story simply because they’ll never stop asking questions, and we talk some more. then it changes to siblings. and the more we talk, the more i realise that even when i was a kid, my parents sidelined me.

like my brother was born when i was 2, and he was literally sick for about a solid 3 months, during which i stayed at my grandparents place (the sociopath one). they wanted me to be happy that i had a brother but i hated him with my entire being because all of a sudden the parents didn’t give a fuck abt me anymore, it was all about the youngest one. and ofc, i get it, but i didn’t realise that it started that early, because they spent more time in the hospital than with me, really. same on the weekends, we always got sent to the socio grandma (which, even if she did shit things, i still love for partially raising me, and my granddad, bless his soul, ily opa) and from there on no matter what happened, thomas was always protected.

he got to stay with the same people in schools growing up, whilst all i did was change environments. he got attention i didn’t get. he was the youngest, so he needed to be babied with everything, whilst i got treated like an adult the moment we moved to France. from there on it was literally more about him being ok and protected than it ever was about me being ok. they never cared. he always was allowed to do whatever the fuck he want, but i always got shit for the exact same things.

i was jealous. angry. upset. i have been all of those things for a long time, and right when i believe i can put a line under something, another thing pops up and breaks me. it would have been fine any other day, any other moment. but it wasn’t at that instant. i could tell by the cold shiver that it was going to be fucked.

then my mom randomly calls me, screaming on the phone about how she wants me to be at the airport in 10.

like, again, no fucking boundaries are respected here.

so i go and we talk, they push subjects i don’t want to talk about and explicitly tell them to not inquire about, they leave and i go for a drive, then the same friend who said i didn’t want them on my discord server asks for help and i, being the gentle and caring fucking mother Theresa, help her out, i get a migraine whilst driving, i come home and everyone on my fucking discord server starts pinging me because they want to spend time with me

then i just go in game by myself, offline, one of them somehow fucking manages to find me, and all of a sudden i have 5 people spectating me in game and talking to me

so even though i didn’t want to, i join vc, everyone talks, i’m already tilted because the entire fucking day like broke my back, so to speak, and we lose 2 in a row because there is 0 communication

then my friend calls again

the f/b needs attention and starts ranting about the two lost games like i could fucking do anything about it

my other friend wants to know if i’m coming over again

the in game friend wants to know if i’m okay

like i say i want to be left alone

and immediately i get pinged

like i’m just tired of everyone not caring

i’m tired of caring for people who don’t care for me

i really want people to like respect my needs and to leave me the fuck alone but alas, that only happens when i actually cry, so i’ll try that next time

i’m just tired of people in general. i don’t really want to see anyone nor talk to them because all they will make me want to do is just kill myself.

(that was ironic, i don’t want to actually fucking die, but i do want to disappear and literally watch how everyone would just be unable to cope with their shitty life without me, because that’s how it is)

cheers, and don’t fucking @ me

#bad weather biologist strikes again #i will fucking kill a bitch without hesitation #i might be an empath #but if you suck all the will to live out of me i swear to god my knife will be between your ribs faster than you can fucking finish reading

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