#i wonder if I should get sth small for myself to celebrate the occasion though

[thewhimsicalfairy]

DAYS 2, 3

30 September 2019, 0040hrs

mid flight and having watched some Chinese romance film and it’s driven me to tears...like not the tearing kind but the floodgates kind...

my heart is feeling terribly wretched now...tears streaming down my face...even as i close my eyes in a weak attempt to sleep...

but it’s just for the best really...

although every second of everyday so far i keep ding donging between whether this decision is for the best...

on the one hand i could have kept you in my orbit...for however longer...but to what end...? what good would that do...but i ache so much for your touch now...it’s killing me...

i’m so full of regrets now...that i didn’t even gave you so much of a hug that day...but again what good will anything do now...

what good will anything do...

anything to soothe this aching heart...

are breakups always this difficult..?

despite this being a non-official relationship...i must have somehow poured too much of myself into this...mindlessly...blindly...

i told you on more than one occasion how precious you were to me...you still are now...but i had to choose self-preservation...self-love over standing by yourself...watching you not attempt to step away from the precipice...

airports/travel was kinda our thing somehow...in the 4 short months of this whirlwind...we’ve travelled to so many places between the 2 of us...

that 1 time when you sent me off on my first work trip...i was so touched by that gesture...and how u insisted on picking me up and sending me home on my return even though i refused to tell you my flight details...it’s really not quite the same as when family comes and sends/picks you...i get it now...

i’m still heartbroken somehow...

guess the sept timeline was pushing it if i’m being honest w myself...

how did it end the way it did...it basically pulverized before my eyes and there was no stopping it...a train gone off its brakes and derailing rapidly off course...

i’m sure my heartache can’t compare to what you’ve been through/ are going through...but i concluded the length of time of a relationship is probably only a slight indication of the potential magnitude of the pain...

i’m curious how anyone does it...

but i’ll get there soon enough i hope...

xxx

30 September 2019, 0104hrs

at candace’s wedding yesterday, when 陈洁仪’s 喜欢你 was sung, the lyrics couldn’t have rung more true for me...

喜歡你 那微笑的眼睛 連日落也看作唇印

我喜歡這樣跟著你 隨便你帶我到哪裡

你的臉 慢慢貼近 明天也慢慢地慢慢清晰

我喜歡你愛我的心

again the lyrics couldn’t have rung more true...

i genuinely didn’t mind going anywhere with you...as long as it meant spending time with you...another of my key love languages...i just couldn’t get enough...

all the stolen moments...coffee breaks...rushing to meet you at the train stn after work just so that we can ride that few stops together...and walking you to the nel...how you’d miss the immediate train so we could hang for a bit...they all meant sth to me no matter how small the gesture...

you know how i used to frown upon pda but now i understood it so much better myself now...i just couldn’t get enough of you...if only i could have skinship with you everytime we met...but it effectively disappeared towards the end when we hung out...we basically regressed to nothing and it got awkward...i crave your touch like a child craves a candy...an addict needing her fix...but you’ve taken it all from her and you are the only source of this drug...and i can only keep hurtling myself down this abyss without you...watching as i fall...not ever catching me at all...

another fact: i never saved your number until after 4th July when you said you liked me...cos i was afraid of getting hurt...like all the other dates before...nothing really sustained themselves until you came along...it was easy for me to decide how to save your number...

and somehow at some point (this should have been during my hk trip) i added the open heart ♡ beside your name...it looked right...it felt right...

after friday’s convo...i attempted to change how your name was saved in my phone...but it just didn’t look right somehow...nothing did...

it’s annoying how smart phones work...

right now there are still immediate prompts for me to ‘send message to xxx’ and all message forwarding will list your name as the first option...

i wonder who will move on faster me or the phone...

you shaken up my world so...and now you’re leaving a gaping hole...

就是简单的喜欢

可是还是带来了这般痛苦...

xxx

30 September 2019, 0137hrs

i’m so greedy with my memories with you...

i just want to store everything on my phone

even if it eats up copious amounts of phone space...

i will still want to document everything

while it is still fresh in my mind...the good the bad the sad...even if it means crying buckets again...and then maybe i can put us to rest...

there was so much i wanted to tell you...

but everytime we do those hth chats in your car...i get the gist but never the entire message...

i’m in a full flight enroute to sydney a baby crying in the background and still tears can roll off my eyes...it’s usually when i’m awake alone with my thoughts when the tears come...in heavy heavy bouts...

and then Birdy’s Skinny Love playing like broken record in my mind...

Come on Skinny Love

What happened here

my my my, my my mama my my my

And i told you to be patient

And i told you to be kind

i’m sorry i just left you with ‘have a good life’ and ‘bye’...if i could re-do it i would’ve hugged you and wished you well and pray that your demons will leave you sooner for your sanity and your heart will heal and that all will go well for you...

you are such a good person...i can only hope for the very best for you because good people are deserving of it...

i never understood why people can cheat, lie to their partners, or just be unhappy in a relationship and result in a divorce...

if you loved it other so much to get married...what happened to that when you decided to get divorced..?

i thought with love we could overcome anything...but you clearly need more than love to sustain marriage...

the JP shared 3 key ingredients to a happy marriage:

Appreciation - always show kindness to your partner, ask about their day no matter what...prioritise them

Bonding - do something together everyday, every week, every month...

Commitment - stay committed to each other...having said your vows hold true to them...no issue too big or small cannot be overcome if you are committed

how wise his words were...

4 Jul: we randomly talked about marriage...you still believed in it (thankfully i said in my head) but you’d prefer a smaller do the 2nd time around...cos you’ve done the big one once already...i didn’t let on how much i knew about that aspect of your life...how i even know about your anniversary date, your wedding venues and your wedding hashtag...

i just shared that i also preferred a smaller as i preferred more intimate settings...

we also asked about birthdates...you pushed for mine first...and then i asked about yours...which was obviously upcoming since we were already in July...

i’m sorry i failed to celebrate your birthday with you...

i made a weak attempt when we were at Nassim Hill...but they only served bread and as much as you loved bread we really had quite a pretty full brunch and sat there talking for close to 4 hours straight...

those were one of my favourite moments with you...just sitting there talking about anything

you were super sensitive when i said i had questions...you were literally waiting for me to ask you...

1. are you guys still sleeping on the same bed

2. sleeping arrangements on the upcoming family trip

3. timelines - your divorce was really gonna be finalised by eoy

4. my childless preference and if you were ok with it

i was incredibly happy that day...probably the happiest i had ever been potentially...

watching fireworks with you and all that excessive skinship (but still i couldn’t get enough)...and when you sent me home that night and when i told you you were very precious to me as i touched your face...you said in the most tender voice that you will work this through that we will work this out...

if i could turn back time i will want it to remain frozen at that point forever...with me in your car during happier moments...

x

x

x

before it turned into shits

before i found out that you had broken my heart...

completely and into a million pieces...

me. just sitting in the plane seat...tears streaming down my face...

#heartache