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cuntyqueer · 6 months

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one night stand

pairing: reader x female interest

genre: smut

content: flirting; hookup with stranger; eating out; fingering

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I watched her cross the room; her round hips swaying with each step she took. Something about her drew me in and I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her.

“She’s hot; what about her?” my thoughts were interrupted by the familiar voice of my best friend. She had forced me out to the bar in hopes of having a steamy one night stand with any of the beautiful girls who were moving towards the dance floor. She was a whore, but I supported her in all of her horny endeavors. “Oooh she’s defintely into me. I’ll be back, okay?” and she was gone. I watched as she glided over to a girl who was hanging out to the side of the dance floor alone. Immediately, I could tell that the stranger was flirty and flustered; trying to hide shy smiles as my friend made her move. I turned back to the bar knowing that another drink was needed cause we’d be here for a while longer.

I lost myself in my drink and browsed the room for the woman I had seen before, when I felt a light tap on my shoulder.

“Is this seat taken?” I coughed, choking on the sip I had in my mouth before forcing out the response “No, you can have it.” It was her. She was even more beautiful and terrifiyingly sexy up close. She had creamy, soft brown skin, locs that were pinned up in a unique updo, and her tits sat so perky, round, and soft against her chest. I could feel that my gaze was lingering too long and quickly looked up to meet her eyes.

“Do you want a drink?” I asked, trying to sound casual, “The bartender is great, but it takes a lot to get their attention” I chuckled. She smiled in response, “A long island would be great.”

“A woman after my own heart,” I responded gesturing to my own long island before taking a sip. After a few hand waves, I was able to track down the bartender and order her drink.

“Thanks.” She turned to me with a smile, “So who are you here with?”

“Um, just my best friend,” gesturing to the crowd. “She’s out there somewhere with someone.”

“Hmm, I guess you are too… you know, somewhere with someone,” gesturing to herself. She sipped her drink and looked at me with a lingering gaze. I couldn’t tell if she was flirting or not, but her heavy eye contact and the way she kept biting her lip was making me feel a kind of way.

We kept talking for a while, joking, laughing and progressively getting closer to each other until her hand was on my thigh and she was leaning over my lap dying of laughter over something I said. When she lift her head, her face was only a few inches from mine, I could feel her breath grazing across my skin with every breath she took. The liquor from my long island had definitely hit, and before I even knew what I was doing, I wrapped my hand around the side of her neck and pulled her in for a deep kiss. I pulled back quickly, “Sorry I didn’t mean to -” She didnt respond, but grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards the empty hallway behind the the bathrooms. I had no idea where we were going, but I was not going to stop following her. Once we hit the corner away from the crowd, her lips were on mine. I lost all train of thought and found myself melting into her lips.

She was so sexy. My hands found their way under her shirt to the soft skin of her back. I pulled her in, deepening the kiss, aching for so much more of her. Now it was her turn to pull away. Stepping back from me she slowly and sensually, pulled her top over her head. She had no bra so her titties bounced perfectly as they were released. I couldn’t help but stare. “ You can touch.” She smirked as I cupped a perfect breast in my hand; squeezing and rolling her nipples in between my fingers. “You can suck, too.” I made eye contact with her just to be sure and she nodded her head. I held her breasts gently in my hands and put my lips against her left one while massaging and fondling her right. I loved the way her nipple felt hard and aroused in my mouth as a licked and sucked the soft skin. I switched sides and turned my mouths attention to the right. She let out a low moan which made me even more excited. I could feel her hips softly begin to grind against mine. When I lifted my head up to meet my mouth with hers, she took the opportunity to yank my shirt off of me.

With my chest now exposed, she started exploring with her lips. She began kissing my jawline and moved her lips toward my neck. With one hand squeezing and putting light pressure against my throat she began to suck the sensiteve skin of my neck. I couldnt help but moan at the pressure and sensation of her lips. She moved down my chest leaving a trail of wet, hot kisses down my happy trial; her hands fondling my breasts as she made her way to her knees. She pulled at my pants, motioning for me to take them off. I did as I was told and slid my pants completely off so I could spread my legs as wide as she needed. “Mmm, you’re even sexier than I imagined,” she growled as she squeezed my ass between both hands and started to massage all the sensitive parts behind and in between my legs. I let myself sink into her touch; holding on to the wall railing beside me. My underwear was still on but that didnt stop her from putting her mouth right over my clit through the fabric. I gasped at the sensitive touch. She continued to massage my clit like that; edging me slowly until I was a shaking sloppy mess. I needed more and as if reading my mind, she asked, “Does that make you feel good? Do you want more of me?” I was near tears and couldn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth to a stranger but in the midst of my shaking, I let out a small whisper, “Yes, please.” “Huh?” she countered, “I couldnt hear you.” At the same time she moved the soaked fabric to the side and kissed my clit gently again. “Are you sureeee you want me?” I moaned, “Yes, I NEED you.” My legs were shaking and my hips were bucking against air. In response she reattached her lips to my clit and slowly stuck two fingers into me. I gasped at the penetration, but quickly started moving my hips against her fingers. Pretty coos and praises escaped her lips as I moaned and grinded without any hesitation. She stuck another finger in and Iknew I was going to lose it. She could tell too and without hesitation, she wrapped her arm around one of my legs to provide support. “Ahh right there. Yessss.” Two more bounces and I finally released around her fingers; panting and sliding down the wall.

She slid her fingers out and shoved them in my mouth. “Good girl,” she praised, leaving soft kisses over the bruises that were already forming on my neck.

When she backed away, I giggled, blushing at what had just happened between us. “You’re cute. That was fun,” she said, sliding her shirt back over her head. I quickly pulled my pants up; no underwear since they were so soaked, and found my shirt on the floor and pulled it back on.

“Thanks …” I drifted off realizing I didn’t actually know her name. “You can remember me as Floor 13,” she answered referencing the name of the bar. I chuckled. She pulled a small handheld mirror out of her bag and I watched as she flawlessly reapplied her liquid lipstick. She caught me staring and winked before starting to walk back in the direction of the dance floor. “You should probably go find your friend,” she yelled over her shoulder. I smiled. Boyyy, did I have a story to tell.

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vorpalfae · 6 months

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hi do you mind if I ask you what symptoms of bipolar you have experienced before/are currently experiencing right now? if this is too heavy for you to answer then that’s alright it’s just that I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 and I wanted to hear about the experience from another person.. thank you

well i have bipolar 1 rapid cycling which is more severe than just having bipolar 1. and bipolar 1 by itself is more severe than bipolar 2, so definitely don't compare yourself to me too much. also everyone is different. not every person with bipolar of any type has the same symptoms. i also have anxiety, ptsd, and im seeing a psychiatrist in november to be tested for a neurological disorder that my therapist thinks i may have but she can't diagnose me. so sometimes those symptoms from other things overlap into what i experience. some things might be caused by my anxiety or ptsd. for example i've had hallucinations plenty of times which can be a symptom of bipolar but also could be from ptsd too. i have manic episodes all the time. and when im not having mania im basically in a constant state of depression. its awful. i do have impulses but ive spent years learning how to control them. they used to be uncontrollable and it ruined my life for many years. my sleep and appetite changes constantly. sometimes i dont need sleep at all and other times all i do is sleep. and most of them time i can't eat a lot. and when i am able to eat i end up binge eating to make up for barely eating most of the time. im extremely indecisive and its hard to focus on one task. i usually have like 10 different tasks going at a time which makes it hard to complete anything. but i also become obsessed with my interests. it actually annoys ppl because i will talk about the same few things over and over. i have suicidal thought all the time. only thoughts tho. i would never act on them. but before i could control my impulses i had multiple attempts to end my life. i also have constant racing thoughts or my mind feels blank and i'll be completely silent for days sometimes because i have nothing to say. except when it comes to my children. obviously i speak to them when they are around, but i won't start a conversation when my mind feels blank or i won't CHOOSE to say anything for days. yeah it really fucking sucks. life with bipolar is mainly living in extremes. [for me anyway]. im either exteremely happy or extremely sad. same goes with being confident or not confident, hungry or not hungry, etc. one of the hardest things is having so much energy when im manic and feeling constantly tired and drained when im depressive. because i have children and i HAVE to be productive on daily basis. i can't just NOT clean or do dishes or laundry etc. so when im depressive i have to mentally and physically force myself to do anything. its honestly absolute hell. and im so sorry you have it too. i wish i had more positive things to tell you about it, but im not going to sugarcoat it or lie to you.

as long as you put in effort to work on yourself and try to be aware of the way you react to things or what things affect your mood, it will get easier. i know that i NEED therapy. every time i left therapy i relapsed on drugs or i mentally deteriorated. so i highly recommend finding a good therapist if you start to struggle badly. or just have one just to help you even if you don't think you need one. they help sooo much with helping u understand yourself and your thoughts and actions. i wish you nothing but the best✨💜 bipolar disorder can be so crippling. it can even be a disability for some ppl. for me it is. i am getting disability soon because its pretty impossible to find a job that works with what im able and unable to do. it lowered my confidence a lot when i realized i needed the extra help but now im more okay with it because i know its just the hand i've been dealt. i didnt ask for bipolar disorder. just like i didn't ask for it to prevent me from working. its just what happened to me. and thats okay. 🖤💜 i hope you are well🥰

#ask

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star-vibing-prompts · 8 months

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Random shit I had or others had said as prompts.

Warnings: Swearing, Mentions of sus, dark humor(probably), dark themes(also probably), Sensitive topics

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"Motherfucker is high on cat nip at the top."

"Imma just kick this fish then-"

"Let me sleep with you!"

"STOP CREAMING YOURSELF"

"Let me throw your child!"

"I smacked a bad guy's booty."

"That was a good ass slap!"

"Give me all these delicious batteries!"

"Everybody died in this family!"

"I JUST SHOT HER BODY WITH MY GUN-"

"I DIDNT EVEN KNOW I HAD BALLS STILL!"

"I got stuff on my neck!"

"Be honest, am I hot?" "I'M GAY-"

"IMMA WHIP OUT MY BEANS ESSAY"

"Not the duckussy"

"Already sus gonna hide in the ooc"

"Okay I got my happiness, bye"

"I like me some Among Us"

"Can someone hold me please"

"[Name] stop searching. I wanna search something up to on him!"

"IS HE WRITING A FANFIC OML"

"I KNOW BUT WHEN I LAUGH I SOMEHOW CHOKE ACK-"

"You're more grosser than I am."

"Ohh~ Hee got the rizz~"

"OKAY BACK TO CRYING"

"I love dying screaming"

"IM CRYING WHAT DID WE JUST WALK IN ON???"

"I will slap myself if I say something sus"

"Let her scream lmao."

"Being force to talk by a 14 year old"

"Such a beautiful break up"

"STOP RIZZING ME"

"Anyway does anyone want to get slap by me?"

"Damn she hot"

"THE FUCK WOMAN???"

"DAMN I AM A LONELY BITCH"

"Actually *SHITTING* himself would be pooping. *PISSING* himself would be peeing."

"Why did you eat mah stick?"

"STOP EATING POOP???? WHOS POOP EVEN IS THAT???"

"I- Wha- ho- ...MY BRAIN CANT HANDLE THISI-"

"I think u just pissed him up even more"

"And why are you creaming [Name]?" "Damn tell me how you really feel about the cream jesus"

"One of them is: What the fuck is going on at this point and why am I still here for it?"

"I just love killing people!"

"I want to fuck Optimus Prime."

"Allergies are kicking me ass"

"I would've given you some but you didn't talk fast enough /j"

"[NAME] PLEASE I BE SILLY"

"I SWEAR ON [NAME] IT AINT ME"

"Why is [Name] robbing [Name2]"

"Enjoy your last peaceful moments"

"You were the chosen one"

"Then speak it"

"And [Name] just set himself on fire"

"I feel like I am being judged now,,,,,bye." *disappears*

"The shame has already been done there is no going back"

"My mom used to buy me robux before she mcfucking died"

"I BROKE MY STICK"

"THEY DONT KNOW WHAT GOES ON BEHIND CLOSED DOORS"

"My gaydar told me"

"What the fuck are smiley fries."

"Rice with beef broth because we have no chicken"

"Anime cat girls are canon within Spongebob now."

"The Cat Has Ingested The Wall"

"Split dat chicken wingg"

"Oeuur... digs chicken wing out of the carpet"

SHRIEKS AND BREAKS IN THROUGH A WINDOW

"They have been bestowed the name [New name]"

"I love the fumbling with the remote"

"Literally vibrating in my chair, I’m really excited for the game"

"That's so sad imagine someone hated you so much they wouldn't even spend more than 5 bucks to hire a hitman"

"Bro's gonna be willing to die after that"

"FLOOFY AND GOOBER"

"I wanna invite them for tea and crumpets

The best type of relationship"

"ILL FORFEIT ALL MY LEGAL POSSESSIONS TO HIM"

"Like damn dude you don't need THAT much eye liner"

"This is so emo"

"My dude needs to look fabulous"

"WHAT A GOOBER ! FOOLISH LITTLE FELLOW"

"OMG ITS MY KID"

"LIL GUY IS SPEEDY ASF"

"They got a little too silly"

"ITTY BITTY"

"They just need to put some ice on it"

"Aww noo they spilled the cranberry juice" :(

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echantedtoon · 1 month

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A Rock And A Hard Place Part 2 Douma

This is inspired by @melon-cream-enmu Demon Slayer- Program Au. (Warnings: Their blog does contain NSFW elements and themes that not everyone may like or be comfortable with. Just a heads up. But this WILL STAY Sfw.) I did ask if they were fine with someone writing drabbles inspired by their au before writing this, and they mentioned that they were fine. This is probably not gonna have a lot of chapters and it's from the perspective of a female reader.

B.P. Au- @melon-cream-enmu

Demon Slayer- Koyoharu Gotouge

Demon Designs for this done by @flanelltees linked below.

https://www.tumblr.com/flanelltees/694082545792450560/i-forgot-i-didnt-post-this-cuz-i-think-i-didnt?source=share

Mostly Akaza x Reader x Douma with some Rengoku x Reader.

Warnings: Douma IS his own warning. Possibly some innuendos.)

"My answer is a big fat NO."

Footsteps followed you down the hallway. If you weren't weighed down by the giant cart of cleaning products and objects you used to clean up, you would've been booking it down the halls for your life as fast as this ridiculous rubber suit would let you. Unfortunately there was little you could do to escape the bluntly smiling woman following behind your squeaky cart. You partially wished her long clean white lab coat got caught in one of the doorways and slowing her down enough for you to get away.

"Oh, I understand that you may have concerns about it! You'd be a part of an amazing break through in demonology history! There's still so much we don't know about them! You'd be a part of something extraordinary!"

"Oh! Well if that's the case let me change my answer." You shot her a scowl. "HELL NO!!"

Her expression didn't change but her eyelid twitched slightly. "But won't you reconsider? It'll mean so much to us."

"If you're so desperate for volunteers why don't YOU go play matchmaker with those things!? I'm not about to throw myself to the wolves hoping I won't get eaten!"

"That's a stereotype of demons! They don't actually eat human meat like popular belief." She sped up until she got in front of you and grabbed onto your cart forcing you to stop. "And I don't any any qualifications for the task that we're asking volunteers for."

"'Qualifications'?" You gave her a look of disbelief. "Do I look like I have any 'qualifications'? I'm not a scientist and I'm not a researcher!" You gestured to the rubber hazmat suit you wore. "I'm a dam janitor. If the floors dirty I go sweep it. If a toilets clogged I used a stupid plunger. If someone spills coffee again for the hundredth time, I always go clean it up! The only 'qualifications' I have is taking THIS-" You grabbed the mop hooked up to the side of your cart. "-and using bleach on the floor. I don't involve myself in things I don't have any business with!"

Shinobu inhaled slowly like she was holding back anger before she let go of the cart in defeat. "Fine. I can't force you and I can't change your mind." Glad she finally got that through her thick head. "If you don't want to volunteer for the program then I'll respect your choice on the matter, but I'd like to still give you an offer." You rose a deadpanned brow. "It's not a part of the program! If you could swing by the holding wing later tomorrow so we could see how the ice demon reacts to your presence, it'd be a good experiment."

"So you still want to use me as an experiment? Or is it bait? I can't decide which one I am at this point."

"Neither! You wouldn't even have to interact with the demon! All we want to do is see what happens when he senses you're around! Maybe we could figure out why he's acting like this and put a stop to it. You'd even be paid."

"....How much?"

"Three hundred to your next check!"

"...Forget it. I'm not going to be involved in this. Go find another woman to con."

Again the woman sighed but nodded and stepped aside finally. "Alright then. But if you should happen to change your mind, you'll know where to find us."

You said nothing as she walked away and you angrily pushed the cart away. Who did she think she was?! Using you like some guinea pig! Ha! No amount of money would make you agree to something like that!!...Then again. You slowly came to a stop.. It would be nice to have some extra money to help with the bills. It would sure make things easier and she mentioned you wouldn't have to do anything...

**************

"Don't say anything or else I'll change my mind and leave now!"

Because of your greed or because you were dumb, you had ended up showing up to the hiding wing of the facility. This time without the obnoxious rubber suit and just in your casual clothes not knowing what else to wear for this. When you shuffled in there was at least four people in labcoats. Two you recognized as Shinobu and Rengoku but the other two men you didn't. One wore a security suit and had short white hair with scars across what exposed skin there was and the other had what was essentially a nurse's scrubs and mask over his lower face. His hair was black with Mitch matched eyes.

"AH!! MISS Y/N!! SO GLAD TO SEE YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND!!," the loud red head shouted loudly making you and a few others wince at his loud volume. "You've arrived just in time to join the others!"

A hand reached up to rub your ear but paused when he spoke the next few words. "...Wait." you looked right at him wide eyed. "Others??"

He nodded. "Yes! You're not the only person who volunteered for the new program!" His body stepped aside allowing you to look down the hallway and you were surprised to find MANY more people in labcoats and a lot more people in those security suits standing in front of different windows looking into different cells. "There are others who also volunteered for the M.C.M.A.R.R. program! The staff and security are here to help monitor the interactions between the demons and volunteers!" He then looked back to your surprised face. "Which reminds me, you've probably never met the others before!" He gestured to the two men you never noticed before. "This is Sanemi, he's head of security at the facility and Obanai. He's mostly in charge of monitoring the health of our subjects here but he comes here on standby whenever there's interactions between them and our human volunteers."

"Uh..." You gave each man a look before nodding at them. "Hi. Nice to meet you."

The man named Sanemi hummed and looked you over before looking at Shinobu. "Are you sure this is a good idea? She's pretty vulnerable."

"She's not even going into the enclosure," Shinobu waved him off with a smile. "She's just here to see if the ice demon will come to the window as a trial run."

Rengoku nodded. "Indeed. It's up to her to decide if she wants to continue after a trial run! Any volunteer can quite at anytime!"

Sanemi sighed but shrugged his muscular shoulders. "Alright. Don't say that I didn't warn you."

You jumped as Rengoku slapped you friendly like on the back and beckoned you forward. "COME! I'll explain to you how this works!" You hesitantly allowed him to walk you down the hall you've cleaned multiple times. "Shinobu probably already explained what this program researches but allow me to elaborate. This program tests the multiple interactions between demons and other demons but also demons and humans."

"So...you also study demons interacting with each other? Not just humans?"

"Precisely!!," he shouted, "We only use human volunteers with their absolute consent and they can quite anytime if they don't wish to be in the program for any reason anymore." That was good at least. "What we do is match you up to a specific demon we think you'll be able to make at least friendly interactions with. We start out with just watching from the other side of the window, but we've been successful in having direct interactions later." He stopped in front of one large window. "Like this one there!"

You looked where he was pointing. There was another woman in a labcoat calmly writing on a clipboard and every so often looking up through the window into the cell. It took you a minute to take in what you saw. It was one of the cells that you weren't assigned to clean. You've never really paid much attention to it otherwise but it looked like a miniature library! There was stacks of books, a curtained bed, and a few other luxuries. In the smack middle of the room was two women. One was clearly not human with those slit pupil eyes, and the pointed ears. The one who was human was standing there and just watching as the other female demon made these strange almost cooing sounds and gesturing at a page of an open book in her hands.

"KANAE!!" You again jumped at the loud voice of Rengoku calling at the woman who only calmly turned her smile on him. "How goes the usual meeting?"

"Just fine," she replied back, "This is the second to last meeting they'll have before Red Eyes is released again."

"Red Eyes?"

"Yes. That's the nickname we gave to the demon. You see demons have their own culture and their own language. We...still haven't dephiered it so we give them nicknames to keep track of them. It's easier than saying Demon Number Fifty Four don't you think?" He gestured to the two ladies inside. "Red Eyes has been with us for a little over two years. The CEO decided he'll be released back next month to make way for different demons."

"You release them all?"

"It's all in accordance with the conservation federation. We capture but have to release after a while."

You gave another look in the cell and found the black haired wo-....MAN?! You blinked. "Wasn't that demon female just a minute ago?"

"Oh yes. That's why he's one of the more fascinating ones. You see he has the ability to switch genders at will." He then chuckled. "He seems awfully taken by Ms. Rei over there. She's the only one who he'll willingly interact with."

You gave another look inside the cell seeing the red eyed demon letting the human woman caress his face before Rengoku moved you along. Further down the hallway and towards the cell window you usually had encounters with.

"You see we've had a successful few interactions. Red Eyes and Rei are one of them. The dream demon with another. More recently we've been successful able to have interactions with a six eyed demon we've nicknamed Six and another volunteer named Haruhime. The one who we're going to try and interact with you is one we call the Ice Demon."

Your brows rose. "Ice demon?"

"Yes. We call him that because he can create structures of ice. He was found in the coldest parts in the mountains near a town. Apparently in those parts he used to be reveared as a deity of sorts. I thought it was just another old legend like unicorns until we accidentally came by him. It took the capture team a lot of darts to sedate him enough to bring in."

"And why do you think I'm good bait?'

He made a long 'eeehhhh' noise rolling his wrist. "Well...You see some demons are really picky when choosing who they interact with. Most of them absolutely refuse to even interact with the science team or any of the staff members. That's why we have volunteers come in. The demons seem more willing to interact with humans that they don't recognize as their captors."

Ah. That makes sense to why Shinobu kept insisting on you being the one that came here. "Ok. What does that have to do with me and this demon?"

"Like I said some demons are very picky on who they'll interact with. Ice Demon seems to particularly like interacting with female demons and lady staff members. The problem is that he's been trying to get out."

Your f/c widened. "Get out?!"

Rengoku nodded. "Yes. Besides Ice it seems our cold friend here has a charming effect to seduce the opposite gender. We did a little research on your first interaction with him. He noticed that you were a woman when you removed your hood while cleaning the old cell in front of his, but he couldn't get your attention until the second time you met. We think he was trying to hypnotize you into opening the door to his cell and letting him out." He looked right at you. "But you didn't fall for it."

"And that's surprising?"

"Yes! Because it seems that his charms don't work on stubborn women with a strong attitude like Shinobu and yourself!"

"Is that supposed to be a compliment or insult?"

"SEE?! You're perfect for this! Now then..." He stopped just in front of the cell you knew all too well finally letting go of you. "Let's see if he's in there." He left you standing on the side out of view as he looked down into the enclosure. There was a room large enough to be a ballroom with large chunks of snow and ice everywhere. "Hm. He seems to be keeping to himself today."

You also poked your head out raising a brow. "Maybe he's asle-"

B A M!!

You shrieked out and jumped back along with Rengoku as something hard slammed against the glass making it vibrate against the frame but didn't break. You froze as you came face to face with a widely smiling mouth full of fangs and bright rainbow eyes. There was silence as others turned to you both and silence fell as everyone stared at the creature pressing its palms against the window. There was no movement for a stunned moment before the tall demon made a happy trill sound and pressed his cheek with no shame. Smooshing his face against the glass as if he could get closer to you. Behind him a long tail with a platinum blonde tuft of hair wagged behind him.hoho

"... Incredible!" You jumped whirling back to Rengoku who smiled brightly. "This is possibly the most upfront and open interaction yet!" He looked at your stunned face. "Quick! Do something!"

"What?!"

"Anything! Compliment him!"

You slowly looked at the demon who eerily stared unblinkingly and still pressed against the glass leaned over to be eye level with you. And gulped. Even safely on the other side of the glass he was a bit intimidating but..you still rose a brow. Could it even understand you? This was ridiculous!

"Um...You have beautiful eyes?"

SCCCCRREEEEEEEEEE-!!!

You again jumped at the loud half screech half squeal the thing gaze before it grabbed its cheeks pulling away from the window giddily swaying back and forth. As if lovestruck before going back to the window again.

"Incredible. Speak to it more, Y/n!"

That's how it all began. Your first meeting consisted mostly of awkward talk as the thing just stared at you intensely until you felt uncomfortable enough and left as it followed you with it's gaze. Rengoku giddily thanked you as Shinobu happily looked over the notes she silently took the entire time she was there. You were invited back to the program same time next week and when your paycheck came in you found a whopping three hundred dollars added to your balance.

That's how it started. For the money you kept going back once a week every Wednesday to o spend a few hours at the window either talking to the thing or letting it jabber on and on and ON in some kind of grunt, trill, chirp etc language you couldn't even understand. But he didn't even seem to notice or care about that fact. Other than your meetings, you didn't pay attention to him. Why would you? You were getting paid for the meetings, you weren't getting paid extra outside them. Which was hard to do when he walked in 'agony' and annoyed you whenever he senses you were nearby. You often thought about ending the meetings because he was annoying you so much but the extra three hundred dollars in your paycheck every week kept you coming back. But that was it.

After around six months of this behavior Shinobu offered you a new deal. "You both seem to be getting along quite well. We were talking about it and we were wondering if you'd try an in person session with him."

"What?! No! I agreed to be on the safe side of the glass! How much money do you pay people to risk their lives like that?!"

"Three hundred dollars for a shielded session. A thousand dollars per in person session."

"......"

The metal doors opened before you. A breeze of absolutely chilling air washed over you through the cracks making you shiver. The heavy duty metal reinforced doors only opened enough to allow you to squeeze through to prevent the much larger demon from escaping.

"Remember Y/n," Rengoku's voice sounded out through a speaker system attached into the cell. No doubt he was looking down through the window. "If you feel uncomfortable or in danger at any time or decided you had enough just wave at me with both arms. The security team will be right in there to retrieve you. Whatever you do, remain in a nonthreatening manner and remain calm. The goal is to avoid unnecessary aggression."

"Gee. Thanks." You mumbled under your breath.

You'd better be getting that thousand dollars for this crap. Slowly you looked through the crack..You didn't see anything. Slowly you poked your head inside and looked around. Still nothing. Your body squeezed through until you stood on the other side jumping as the door closed shut behind you. You were trapped inside here by yourself with a demon now. Great-

THUD!!

You shrieked as something large landed behind you and two arms wrapped around your body pulling you up and into a burly chest. You continued to squeal out as the thing held you close to him. After a moment a lovestruck chittering entered your ears as you froze up. Rengoku watched as you were cuddled like a teddy bear by the demon before it plopped itself down and you sat in his lap.

"Y/n! Give us a thumbs up if you're alright!"

You were stunned by the coldness of the area and body against you but managed to give the window a thumbs up. "I'm fine." You pushed at the body. "Put me down!"

The thing only chuckled and nuzzled his nose into your hair.

"Hey, hey, hey!" You reached around as best as you could reach out to push at it. "Cut that out you freak!"

It made a cooing noise but held up his arms allowing you to scramble from him and stand. You turned to glare at him but he only giggled again and laid his head in his hands.

"Geez. Clingy much?"

It nodded yes at you....

It nodded...yes...at you...

You pointed at it looking at the window. "That thing just said yes to me!"

"Good. Communication is key."

"You're not helping!!" You whirled around back to the grinning thing. Jeebus. Even sitting down you could tell he was huge! He must've been six or seven feet tall with an obviously muscular build and you didn't like how pointy those fangs and claws were. Or the intense state he was giving you. This thing could rip you apart in a second... You had a problem with accepting money. "... You're not gonna try and eat me are you?" A head shake no. "That's good at least."

You shifted uncomfortably staring at him before looking around the cell. Ice sculptures were everywhere and in different shapes. A boat. Table and chair. A few random nicknacks. And a dancing ballerina mid pose. Did he make all these? Snow crunched under your feet leaving foot prints everywhere he stepped. He seemed to take notice cuz he thrummed gaining your attention and held out his hands.

You stared at him. "Uh..What are you doing?"

He chuckled at you. Holding up his hands turning them over showing they were empty before clapping them together. After a moment he slowly pried them apart and showing something in his palms. A little bitty bitty ice swan was nestled in his hands and he held it up to you.

"...Oh. Is that for me?" He nodded. You still stared before slowly reaching out and picking it up from his hands. You looked over the little bird. It was like a glass figure only made of very cold ice. "Oh. It's very pretty. Thank you."

It trilled in happiness again clapping in approval you accepted it.

"Thanks...But can I ask you why you've been bothering me so much?" It tilted it's head. "Why are you so interested in bugging me I mean."

It stared at you more before again seductively posing where he sat with one hand pressed against his chest.

You deadpanned. "....Man. just..Just don't. I don't think that's gonna work on me."

He then perked up at you and pointed.

"....Oh. so you already figured out that part?" It nodded again.

"I think it's trying to say it's interested in you being not interested in him!"

"Gee. Thanks, Rengoku. You really help here."

"Just trying my best!"

The meeting persisted for another twenty minutes before you decided you couldn't take the cold anymore and waved both hands at the window. Rengoku nodded and a moment later the metal doors opened a crack again with a few security guys on the other side. You decided to leave the ice swan on the ice table knowing that it'd probably melt once you went out of the cell and left. The thing got up and followed you stopping a few yards from the door and watching you disappear again. You were more happy that you could get warm again. Rengoku considered it a success and offered you again to come back for more in person sessions.... Your wallet really got stuffed over the course of the next three months.

You would continue your meetings, and have one on one sessions with the demon which usually only lasted about an hour with how could it was inside the cell and the demon would gift you small ice sculptures which you always left on the table with the others because they would melt outside of the room. Sometimes he even sculpted the giant ones in front of you watching you watch in awe. Other times he insisted on holding you much to your dismay and laughed watching you struggle. But he always let you go once you gave Rengoku or Shinobu the signal to leave. O R particular day he wrote letters in the snow spelling out something.

"Douma?"

He squealed out in delight clutching his cheeks hearing you say that.

"Is that your name?"

He nodded. The scientists were also thrilled about seeing you on name based.

"This is fantastic!" Rengoku cheered as you huddled in the jacket you brought with you. "It's revealed it's name to you! That means you earnt it's trust!" Your head throbbed from his loud voice and you hissed. You've been dealing with a headache all day. "You're getting along rather well!"

"Keep it down..my head hurts."

"Ah. My apologies for that. But this is truly thrilling!" He stepped in front of a certain cell where you were trying to relieve your head and a pair of golden irises narrowed at the flame haired man. "Are you feeling alright? Obanai has some pain reliever in his kit for whenever Shinobu needs it. I can get you one if you want?"

You didn't even get to reply. Something ran at the window. The frame shook and Rengoku jumped as a ferocious pink haired demon SLAMMED it's shoulder into the window not breaking it but sure as heck rattling it. Large fangs snarled as it hissed raged at the other man. Both stared at one another. For Rengoku this wasn't an odd occurrence. This thing often tried to threaten hi-

BAM!!

Angrily, you whirled around. Balled up fist slamming into the glass catching the demon on the other side of guard as you stared at him dead in the eyes with such anger.

"SHUT!! UP!!"

The pink haired demon froze stunned at the tiny female yelling at him before you turned away to cradle your throbbing headache mumbling to yourself and walking away. Leaving behind the stunned men...until the pink haired demon blinked and turned his head watching as you left.. before his ears perked up and head tilted in interest.

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cadaverousdecay · 1 year

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Thoughts on almonds?

as a kid i hated almonds and once in kindergarten a kid who looked similar to me gave my teacher almonds as a gift and when i went and told the teacher i wanted a recess snack (they had graham crackers to give to kids who didnt bring snacks) she mistook me for the other kid and thought i was asking for the almonds back and because i was not a very outspoken kid i accepted them without saying anything and while i couldve thrown them away and been done with it, i had this thing about wasting food where i would feel immense guilt letting even a little food go to waste so i forced myself to eat every single almond in the bag and finished eating the last horrid almond right when recess ended.

i think almonds are okay now. not my favorite nut by a longshot but alright.

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ashtraysystem · 7 months

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i didnt get the chance to talk about this in therapy but its eating me alive with anger so i gotta spew it somewhere

one of my professors keeps blaming every little thing on her mental disorders. Like, i understand having mental disorders and having no other way to explain your behavior, but you dont have to say "sorry its the [mental disorder]!" every. single. time.

like, you could just phrase things as "oh this is what makes sense to me" or "this is what helps me focus" or "this is how i process best"

but thats not the only thing about her that irks me. i could get over that, if it werent for the fact that she expects everyone to conform to her ideals, her way of learning, her technology, etc.

She refuses to learn adobe products and is forcing us to use google slides of all programs. we've literally been trained on adobe products the past 3 years, and no one in their right mind would use google slides for a professional project like this! At the very least use powerpoint, but google slides??? really??? it works in a pinch but,,, just why??? like how do you get this far in the industry not being at least somewhat familiar with the leading programs used??

She got so mad at us for even suggesting she try learning it. She also got kinda mad when I told her to turn off the music she was playing while she was talking bc I couldn't process what she was saying. If it was classical music that would be fine, but it was lyrical music, and with my audio processing??? it just goes straight through. one way train no stops man.

She just makes me so mad bc shes extremely rigid and blames everything on her mental disorders rather than just taking accountability.

I'm trying my goddamn hardest to advocate for myself in that class, and at this point others too!! I've gotten to know these people over the past year and goddammit I CARE ABOUT THEM!! I know that they are just as uncertain as I am in this class, and that if I don't push back then no one else will. Hell we even talk shit about the professor IN FRONT OF HER thats how fucked we all are in this class. None of us seem to even like her. Like, we've talked shit about professors in the past, but theres always been some sort of positive about the professor where we keep our shit talking quiet and away from their ears bc we respect them immensely as a person even if we hate them as a professor. but this professor? we barely respect her at all.

Honestly for everyone's sake I hope we find something in her worthy of respect, but the way she interacts with everyone in such a negative way does not give me hope about it.

When I was talking to her about my project she kept trying to hijack it, even when I specifically tried to say "No that's not what my idea is" and she just talked over me. It's like she just likes the sound of her own voice. It was like a dog and their owner tugging at the leash wanting to go opposite ways. Two forces that weren't budging. I ended up talking to my mom who helped me figure out how to phrase my idea in words my professor would understand, and forcibly took the leash into my own paws so to speak. I'm just doing my thing now, knowing I have a goal and that all I have to do is translate into words she gets for a decent grade.

Its just overall very frustrating trying to communicate with her, because we are two very VERY different people.

#rant #vent #cole🥾#yelling into the void #school vent #school rant #long rant #long vent

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sorcerous-caress · 5 months

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Just a lil check in to say hi and see how you’re doing. So how are you doing? I hope you’re doing well! Are you itching to write anything in particular lately?

-ex lurker

I'm doing alright, I'm learning how to manage myself and emotions better.

I have been more leaning towards sfw works recently, I still like smut as the next guy, but there are so many other ideas I want to explore first.

Angst, fluff, drama, character studies especially. I want to show more attention to Laezel, Minthara and Karlach. I feel like I've been focusing on Gale, Shadowheart and Astarion too much recently.

Oh but also dragons, and alternative universes! I've been storming a couple prince Wyll ideas but haven't came up with anything yet.

Thank you for checking in anon, I saw your message too and it made me feel better. How are you doing? I hope you're doing well and all, i hope you're staying safe and healthy.

Real Life events and vent below.

I've been preparing for my niece's birthday, i got he the most beautiful cinderella dress I could afford. Which isn't much but It's something that I hope she likes. Also I never realised how hard it is to get your hands on bts merch until 5 of my nieces suddenly became hard-core fans of them.

My dude it is a major struggle, each time I want to order something then look away for a second, it's suddenly sold out.

But it's eating me up, how my niece gets a safe and happy birthday while newborn children are being taken off life support and forced out of hospitals in Gaza. That video of the kids playiny and sliding on the gaint hole in the street previously made a rocket. I don't think I have the right to call myself human anymore, it's beyond horrific what's been happening to them.

Funny thing is, I have always known about the Palestine conflict, we literally read about it in our history books in schools. I remember being in middle school and going home to ask my parents about it, i remember the teachers tearing up when bringing it up. I remember the clear discussions of the horrors happening right now there.

And all of that was softened up and watered down as much as possible for a kid to comprehend. Much like I had to learn about the major world wars, the Palestine history and the many many treaties that were broken by their colonisers took a whole chapter or more out of the school book.

I can't even begin to describe how important and how aware the middle east is of Palestine even before the current genocide intensified. It's straight up embarrassing and shameful how little the current middle east cares or sends aids for Palestine. After all that history, after all those talks and promises.

The rich ones are pandering to the west for a speck of dust of acceptance, ereasing their own culture just to become nothing more than a vacation spot for foreigners.

If you're wondering why the Palestine people have no-where safe to go to, is because all their arab neighbouring countries closed off their borders to them. So they can deep throat the coloniser's dick more I assume.

As much as my own country is corrupted and fucked up, the one right thing we did is that we never recognised Palestine's colonisers as an actual country and never will.

I learned english as a kid on my own to be able to read uncensored books, Agatha Christie ones. The arabic translations clearly had a lot of plot holes and cut content and it frustrated kid me endlessly.

But I didnt realise it would come at the cost of my own culture. I feel like It made me no better than the arabs who suck up to westerns and put english on a pedestal. The same goes for the rest of my generations, we are all young adults and we couldn't have been more disconnected from our roots.

That's why the westernisation of the middle east was barely met with any resistance from us, the young adults who were supposed to be the front line of defence against corrupt governments. The second I saw them fully celebrating Christmas and using fake snow to pander to the west is the second I realised just how doomed we are. They don't even actually celebrate anything, they're playing dress up with someone else's religion and history.

We have our own celebrations, even our own calander with our own new year yet it's forgotten just for us to act out what we saw in Hollywood and Disney movies.

Our own princess, fairytales and folklore. Yet I still bought that Cindrella dress for my niece.

To add insult to injury, the closet thing to a traditional arab princess dress in that store was akin to a caricature of a bellydancer dress.

I'm not better than them. Indirectly or not, all of our combined actions had a hand in dooming Palestine, in dooming our brothers and sisters.

And Christmas will come, and the same arab countries who didn't allow women the legal right to drive a car until 2017-2018, would celebrate it alongside the world. Pretending it's one of them, pretending it's not like its "terrorist" sister countries so please please pick me up foreigners!!

#♡ex lurker anon

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cutlikediamonds · 10 months

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062323

i dont have that much to say but im down another pound or two. again, slowest pace ever but i really dont mind it. and i like when my methods are habits and not just desperate attempts to make the number lower that end up with me bingeing the second i get what i want and then having to do it again. lot of habits and routines that dont feel forced and are actually changing things, thats where im at now.

my summer class is almost over and that keeps me really busy so im vaguely concerned about what losing that will do to my routines and all that but, i should be mostly okay i think. i hope. itll at least give me more time to work out which ive been craving to do so maybe itll be better actually.

i think i referenced it once but one of my best friends is out of state for the summer doing a summer program and we go to the same school otherwise, so a new motivating thought is wanting to have lost enough that she notices it when i see her in the fall again. i doubt shed say anything out of respect but i can read her well so i just want her to notice it and wonder. also, the last time i lost a bunch of weight it was so obvious how i got treated differently over time, like that was the only time when friends who didnt before started play flirting with me or just referencing my physical appearance more often and theyd call me pretty casually, as if it was an obvious thing when they had never really said it before, and that was the only time of my life where i got genuinely asked out. whether it was actually cuz of my weight or just because i had more confidence because of the loss idk but it was an undeniable difference, and i keep remembering it and wanting to pull the same reactions out of everyone again.

its annoying honestly, i like to put thought into my appearance. i like doing my hair and my makeup and playing with my gender expression but my friends dont really comment on it and i was used to it and didnt mind it until they suddenly did talk about it when i was thinner. i come off as having a very easy going vibe with that stuff so i guess nobody thinks i care about style or appearances like that but i do, i like the creativity of it, and i wish they were invested in mine even when i wasnt thin but.. also i wanna be thin too lol so i guess i cant be that mad. its motivating at least.

another new thing, its always nice to relapse like this when ive undergone a lot of reflection in the mean time and know who i am more cuz now the inspo that i come up with in my head or find online hits harder cuz it feels so much more relevant to me lol. like, i never used to care about being strong or looking toned all that much but now thats one of the things that keeps me the most focused. arm workouts have been the easiest routine for me to stick to cuz i just never forget the goal of it, its nice.

i like the slow progress so far. i like seeing the subtle changes. i like that the changes dont get lost if i have a bad day cuz theyre not that unstable. i like that even after a day of eating i can look at my body and still see the parts of it that have made progress, the bloating of the day aside. its very grounding.

im also trying to respect my weird food habits. in the back of my head im trying to go on a journey of ‘unmasking’ a bit (neurodivergent thing) but its not at the forefront of my mind, but one of the aspects of that is definitely respecting myself when it comes to what foods feel safe or not and how eating makes me feel. its still annoying, sometimes when theres no safe foods around i just cant eat anything and i can tell that in that scenario pushing myself out of my comfort zone is probably what i should be doing, but i also would take the discomfort of hunger over the discomfort of feeling overstimulated or out of control from whatever i made myself eat any day. i know some people would say thats food or the ed having control over me, but i think you could also say its me respecting myself and taking control of my environment and triggers, so who knows.

i guess i did have stuff to say today lol

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artsychaosbean · 1 year

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I watched a video and it infuriates me

youtube

My issue with the video is this is a mom vs a professional nutritionist. This is another case of a mother who stubbornly thinks she cant possibly be wrong.

I was forced to eat peas and beans, I have autism. I can't handle the texture of peas or beans. I was forced to eat garlic with a garlic allergy.

I was forced to overeat

Many parents not all but MANY parents take a "I know your body best" stance and IGNORE the words of their child. Forcing a kid to eat is just as bad as depriving them of food. and it does cause EDs I went through 2 different eating disorders and my relationship with vegetables and meat has been soured my whole life since I was a child. I have to force myself to eat vegetables and it has to be cooked in specific ways. I don't WANT to be this way and didnt make myself this way. Same with meat, unless its fish I struggle to eat meat even though I love the taste of chicken I was forced to eat so much meat even when full it makes me want to puke.

I developed stomach problems aswell so I cant eat as much anymore and my digestion is messed up. I cant digest beef, pork, brussel sprouts, peppers or beans at all anymore.

So this "Tough love" Mom just comes off ignorant. Shes stuck in that same toxic mind set and keeps talking over the nutritionist who seems like a very polite person. when I was forced to eat food I got an ED that made me have an aversion to food, eating caused me panic attacks. When I was fat shamed despite not eating much bc I did have weight problems even though I ate little, ate healthy and was active, but the result was I started skipping meals and sneakily putting meals back and throwing up. I was starving myself.

Then later on in life I got the opposite end of that eating disorder over being fat shamed and I'd starve myself still at meal times but then guilt binge a bunch of junk food and hide the wrappers and packaging in the garbage, and then guilt starve myself again for eating. it was a vicious cycle.

Some parents do NOT understand that kids aren't just manipulative whiny attention seeking little devils. Which is how they treat their children. STOP EXPECTING THE WORST IN YOUR CHILDREN. COMPROMISE, TALK TO THEM AND TREAT THEM LIKE HUMAN BEINGS.

When you expect the worst in your child and treat them off of that, you cause resentment. When you don't listen to your child even if they never have lied to or manipulated you in their life, you teach them that no one will ever believe them and that affects their self image. When you don't listen to your child on their health, they won't listen to their own body and start ignoring the signs of health complications. That could KILL your child if the psychological damage goes too far. I was ignored on numerous occasions and got injuries from it or ended up almost in the hospital. My mother then turned around and made it all about herself being a victim "IF YOU JUST LISTENED TO ME ABOUT THIS UNRELATED THING A WEEK AGO THIS WOULDNT HAVE HAPPENED" as I sit there with my thighs entirely bruised unable to walk bc I had an injury that got irritated bc she forced me out when I told her I couldn't and warned her my injury would get worse. But bc shes the mother she "Knew best" and didn't take responsibility when I got hurt worse bc she ignored me.

Yknow what that taught me? That I can't TRUST my MOTHER to take care of my physical needs. That I have to take full care of myself. This means as a teen I wouldn't tell her if I was in pain, even when it got to the point where I SHOULD have been hospitalized. Because I no longer TRUSTED her to tell her. bc of HER actions and HER words. TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN. LISTEN TO THEM. DONT TAKE THEIR CONCERNS LIGHTLY. and if your child is being "Picky" consult professionals if no way you cook something works. Because if they complain about texture it very well could be adhd or autism. And if its not, and if they dislike that item regardless of how you cook it. Let it go, find other foods they might like in the same food group. Dont like cauliflower? Try broccoli. Again try it in different recipes dont keep trying the same thing over and over expecting them to just "get used to it" bc maybe its the way you cook it. I hate tomatos cooked for example bc of the heat and texture but I love them raw in a salad. It doesn't mean I dont eat tomatos, it just means I don't like them cooked and thats not that hard to do. And NEVER hide the food from your child. If you do that will also create a negative relationship with food and a distrust in you as a parent which will make them LESS likely to willingly try new things which can impact their relationship with other foods. If they don't like hot dogs, try "pigs in a blanket" But dont HIDE that its hotdogs in it, let them know. Make an agreement with your child to try everything ONCE and to try every new recipe ONCE. but don't pressure them or scream at them even if its frustrating. Yelling at your child just makes it harder on them especially if its autism. As a child who was forced into EVERYTHING and never had a choice. I have now grown into an adult with a lot of self image issues, a bad relationship with two essential food groups, and more triggers for my PTSD and Anxiety. It impacted my mental health and self worth. Im not the only one, I have a group of 12 friends on discord who all went through similar things with the same / similar consequences in their life from the issue. We all have a fear of foods now and we all had eating disorders as children and teens bc of our parents.

#disordered eating mention #trigger warning! Eating disorder #autism #neurodivergence #bad parenting #physical health #picky eating #autism & food #Youtube

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decadentrot · 1 year

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Hello just wanna ask, Do you think that damian's parents are in an arranged marriage? it feels like it when you read the new chapter of the manga.

Ok imma be real i havent actually "read" the newest chapters yet. I enjoy reading them in big chunks/arcs to fully immerse myself and so i dont forget details, but i dont mind spoilers strangely sooo b/c of this i let myself see spoilers on the TL and i heard some stuff from my friends about the red circus arc. So my thoughts based on my limited knowledge (up to the Friendship Scheme Arc) on Damian's parents:

THEY SUCK and if they are in an arranged marriage then honestly i feel like that would make a lot of sense to show a foil/connection to Anya's family. I hope im explaining this correctly but its like the Forger family isn't perfect but theyre kinda 'fantastical' in a sense that they all got together somehow by 'fate' and they are all leaning towards a 'found family learning how to love' kinda vibe, while the Desmonds are built by the harsh reality of life's obligation and everyday they realize how much it sucks. They got together probably out of expectation and politics and everyday the bitterness and disappointment for each other hits a little harder. Maybe im projecting too hard, but i feel its like the Forgers show an ideal of what everyone wants (eating the table with home cooked meals and parents who actively take part in helping your education) while the Desmonds show the bitter truth of most families (unrealistic high standards to live up to without any help from parents and not being able to grow as your own person because your being forced to be your parents second chance of living) aka found family vs forced family. So even whether its contractually obligated, i do believe their marriage at least came from a social obligation, especially being a woman in that time period.

I mean thats part of the reason Yor agreed to be with Loid right, to keep suspicion off of her as a single woman. I do think Melinda wasn't ready/didn't want to be a mom/wife and desperately wanted a free life, but as a woman of her status she was expected to marry wealthy and become a housewife obedient to her husband's wishes. It didnt help her that her husband was this big powerful political man, she probably couldn't complain to anyone without it reaching his ears. I don't think Donovan lets her have much control over the parenting department despite not having any interest in it himself. Like Damian, I imagine that Demetrius also lived in the dorm rooms away from Melinda and forced to study. And seeing how stripped of freedom she got in regards to Demetrius, Melinda didn't want to give birth to another child for years explaining the big age gap between the brothers and her distaste for Damian or maybe she did have more kids and maybe they were girls and maybe Donovan saw no use in having daughters and sent them away to some "facility" for better use and Melinda is now scared of what her husband is capable of...

Either way, it definitely seems like an unwanted unhappy marriage :(

#spy x family #sxf #damian desmond #melinda desmond #donovan desmond #damian deserves better

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alec-1016 · 1 year

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hi, this is a sleep-drunk vent session. pls feel free to ignore

cw: childhood.(idk, its not trauma, but it wasnt pleasant), internalized ableism, internalized transphobia, internalized misogyny, depression, anxiety, mentions of ed, sh and su1cide

also spelling errors

so, i just wanna vent abt liking shit. i grew up in a very privileged house, w both my parents being uni professors, so it was a very...intellectual house

i also grew up autistic. i was very often praised for being "good", quiet, smart, speaking in words too advanced for my age, reading and writing abovd my grade level, etc. so it kinda became "obvious" that i would become intellectually inclined, like my parents and older sisters

oh yeah, there is an eleven year age gap between me and my older sister, and a fourteen year gap begween me and my oldest sister. i grew up with adults.

there were barely any chdren for me to play w outside of school, so i decided i was better off alone. i read, drew, madr up complex imaginary scenarios in my head. i also tried to listen in and even participate in the adults discussions, and that also got me praise. i have always been a people pleaser.

so after i grew a bit, by like, middle school, i thiught i couldnt like kids things anymore. but i ciuldnt like teen things either bc i wasnt old enough for that. so i didnt really like stuff. i hid my special interests(harry p*tter🤢🤢 and riordanverse, mostly) from basically everyone, and threw myself into school

i have had anxiety ever since i can remember, and some symptoms of depression presented as early as 11. i have a cousin that is also deeply depressed, and that has been throigh roigher patchrs than i have. i always saw her as kinda my reslomsability, bc i was "well" and she wasnt. well, bc of all that, she loved to make fum of me. her parents used to unintentionally put us against each other and compare us, bc i wad the golden child and she was FUCKING DEPRESSED AND DIDNT LIKE SCHOOL BC PPL KEPT BULLYING HER AND COMPARING HER TO ME.

she made fun of everything i liked, and sometimes i even discovered that she liked the stuff too, she just wanted to seem batter than me in something. which i got at the time, and still get, but it fucking hurt and it made me fearful of ever liking things, in fear of being made fun of

which takes me to another place: school. i was made fun of for basically everything, and i just recently realized i was bullied for my autistic traits: not getting jokes and sarcasm, speaking differently, being too nerdy, too shy, too stupid, too slow, too much. i was always too much and never enough at the same time, never enough for ppm to like me

dont get me wrong i had friends. some amazing ppl that i still hold dear, some not so much. but it was hard knowing most of my class didnt care for me.

i also went through a "not like other girls" phase, where i thought if i liked boybands, tvshows, celebrities, gossip, etc, i was the most vain and uninteresting human being to ever exist, and no one would like me. so i forced myself to walk away. i didnt have a boyband phase or a tv show i binged untill i was 14/15, bc i didnt let myself get invested. i thought only "interesting, non basic" " girls" got to live their romances that i always dreamed of.

i got really hooked on shadowhunters through 2019 and 2020, even attended an online con that i almost didnt tell my mom abaout because i was so ashamed and scardd of being seen as...a kid, that i was(am). i didnt want to be immature enough to invest myself on celebrity gossip and tv shows. i was supposed to study, maybe read some ya books, but mostly classics.

throught he pandemic i got hit with some of my worst depressive episodes, suicidal thoughts, body dysmorphia, disordered eating, anxiety and gender dyphoria. and guilt for feeling all of those while being in a very orivileged situation.

so i turned inwards, like i always did, eps when things got difficult. i read and re-read so many books, binge watched tv shows, barely talked to anyone outside of class. i started letting myself like things, but still felt guilty at every turn, which fueled all of my worst instincts

i still feel guilty for liking "stupid" things. for liking tv shows and thirsting over characters and rereading books and following popular creators. i dont wanna lose the label of "smart" that i always thought was my best quality.

i still try no to show i like things, recently ive been hyperfixated on titans, esp. brenton thwaites and dick grayson bc i am a massive bisexual w a massive crush. and i wanna fo something that i always try to do when i like/obsess with an actor: watch as much of their fulms as i can. even if they are bad. even if they had the budged of 5 dollars plus a camera. i dont care. but i feel so fucking stupid for not caring bc it shouldnt be some pretty face that draws me to a film

it should be the photography(which i absolutely love, btw) or the theme, or the director or whatever it is film buffs use to pick movies. this is where the internalized transphobia and misogyny come in at full force: society doesnt let teenage girls get away with liking anything w/o being made fun of. they are called obsessed, crazy, stalkers, vain, stupid, dumb,etc. and i feel like i am. that is the worst.its as if i agree w all those horrivle things ppl say abt girls and liking things, and it makes me dysphoric. it is so weird how this abstract conceot of being seen as a vain stuoid teen girl can make me feel bad abt my identity.

(btw girls who like stuff. yall are the backbone of yhis site, you are smart, creative, funny, and i lovs you with all my heart)

i also realized i dont know how to a man in fandom.how to be a fanboy and not a fangirl. is it any different? do i have to be more closed off? do i have to speak less? was i actually right to shut up abt my interests this whole time? is that part of the masculine in me? if so, why does it hurt so much, when being masc in every other way feels soo good, so freeing?

this is much longer than it was intended or ever needed to be, and yet it covers like, half of my psychological issues lol.

this is me trying to give myself permussion to watch other works w brenton thwaites lol

if you relate in ny way shaoe or form to this, i am sorry, i love you, and you are allowed to like things.

#trans #trans guy #bisexual #bi #trauma #childhood trauma #ableism #autistic #actualllyautistic #actually autistic #fangirl #fanboy #fandom #hbo titans #brenton thwaites #vent

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forestryfae · 2 months

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also they have like, when youre good enough at cleaninga nd keeping stuff clean and tidy and you have a good enough routine and you dont really need help with it anymore, you might be able to move into one of the apartments they have here at inpatient. and i rly hope im able to get into one soon ngl

problem is tho, i am not that good at keeping things clean and tidy. wish i was but i have to force myself to do it and that rarely starts to happen until it actually gets really really bad. last minute cleaning zoomies kind of fucked up arrangement in my brain i guess??? and on top of thta i completely fell out of my routine in like early november/december when i started having to plan to go home even tho i fucking hate that place. and then i got back an i got no fucking follow up or anything until i hadnt been to work in a month. like yeah maybe thats. maybe thats because i needed antidepressants and i didnt get to talk to a psychologist or anything when i got here cus they dont have one. and i didnt get any followups beyond "go to work" and i had no coping mechanisms or help to find any

like thats the worst part about this place. they take zero accountability for their own fuckups cus "you have to be responsible" like fuck off? do your fucking job so we dont have to be on your asses to get you to do One Single Thing

and they just dont actually undertsand that sometimes people struggle cus they grew up neglected and fucking terrified all the time. i very much would love to be able to not worry 24/7 about being normal enougha nd existing correctly but i am, again, unmedicated, have no therapy, was taught im not allowed to have emotions or im stupid as shit, i was yelled at for the tiniest fucking thing cus both of my parents are fucking insane, and i straight up did not grow up with any kind of like. they didnt teach me shit. showing your kid how to turn on a dishwasher or washingmachine is not the same as teaching your kid shit

mom took over EVERYTHING. i got my first apartment cus she wanted me out of the house so she got me one. i never had a choice in learning to drive cus she just signed me up for drivers lessons without telling me until after shed spent the money. she arranged to meet with a realtor without me and i didnt actually get much say in what house to buy if im being honest. i got to look at them, yeah, but i still needed her permission to buy them and she wouldnt let me look at any she didnt like or didnt think i should live in. shes been in charge of the renovation the whole time without talking to me, and just. bought stuff whenever with my money without consulting me. didnt bring me along for the stuff i did want to look at myself either, they just bought me stuff and that was that. why should i be involved in my own life after all

and thats what im grown up with. insults and yellinga nd screaming and being talked down to and degraded and mocked and bullied, zero fucking support, everything i do is supposed to be automated and they shouldnt have to act like parents at all, i should just know things. no teaching me shit, no actual good follow ups, not being involved in anything revolving myself. school was fucking horrible and i was not in any way helped or protected from that, they let me think it was my own fault i was being bullied and treated me the same fucking way the teachers and bullies did, there was pretty much no sympathy for that and they never fucking talke dto me about that, any mental illnesses are completely free for all to be mocked and ridiculed if they feel like it, and im lazy for being burnt out and crying literally every day for hours, no support, just. absolutely fucking horrible. i grew up with that. thats shit i didnt know wasnt normal. i didnt know none of that is how normal people treat eachother. i still feel like a fucking idiot whenever i set a basic boundary. there are foods i stay away from or hide from others that i eat because i used to get yelled at and shamed for eating them, im fucking scared to discuss stuff i want or want to do or think would be fun to try cus im worried ill be talked out of it or ridiculed, im constantly worried people fucking hate my guts or im about to be treated like dogshit for existing in a way i didnt know was wrong. like. i have to do my own fucking psychology lessons with myself cus i dont get help anywhere and i dont get help thats meaningful from anywhere. im so focused on Doing Things Right that i need to get a good grade in therapy. literally what the fuck

anyways i wish they had better ways to help people than just. do laundry go for a walk go to work socialize.

what if you hate yourself for doing laundry. or not doing it. or youre worried youll do it wrong. what if going for a walk fucking sucks because youre not supposed to have fun unless you have a good reason to do so, or youre scared youre not allowed to exist in the outside world and youll get yelled at for going for a walk, or you think people will be able to tell you dont know where youre going so theyll think youre a fuckking idiot. what if you cant socialize because you dont actually know how and noone ever taught you or treated you like you were important so you never learned. like. this is the kind of shit i still need help with. going to work is only gonna help so much. i still need help with the rest of. existing as a normal person.

but yeah anyways i think its dumb that they have in total 11 rooms with a bathroom, 1 room with a bathroom and kitchen, 2 small apartments, one cottage, two houses, and another large apartment. but we cant use the houses or the apartment because one house isnt technically liveable somehow?? under renovation ig? the other house had a pipe burst so now when you do laundry tehre your clothes smell like sewage afterwards, and the third apartment is being used by students like twice a year so noone can use it. its fucking dumb. give me the apartment for students. ill live with the students. i dont care. i just wanna make dinner on my own.

#talkies

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