i have had a headache for the past few days
not the same headache
that would be too easy
i wake up in the morning headache-free and think
"oh what a lovely day it is not to have a headache"
and then
i am minding my own business
and out of nowhere
i think
"you know
i don't feel so great"
it is the headache
with its friends mild vertigo and nausea
i did not give you a pass out
or a plus one
let alone a plus two
i swear
if i am allergic to my breakfast
i will cut someone
probably myself
consensual collateral damage
the end of the headache
justifies the means
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yeah I think about invertebrates a very normal amount
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If my mind were depicted by the swirls above my head
I would hand you a paintbrush and let you paint it red
Anything to hide from the dark deadly truth
A hidden secret from my long lost youth
The crushing blackness soaks up the paint in glee
Waiting for the perfect time to swoop down and devour me
I'll let you think I'm angry
I'll let you think I'm scared
Anything to keep you from looking beyond the colors you choose to see
That there is nothing, nothing, looking back at me
The past holds no future
Nor the future any light
The void is ever growing
Collapsing inside of me
If my mind were depicted
By swirls above my head
The truth is, there is no color
And all that lives here is already dead
But the truth is too deep to show
I mustn't let you know
Beyond the void my mind wanders
And off and off I go
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Better Late Than Never
I could have stayed there the rest of my life,
slowly dying,
suffocating
from lack of affection.
I could have stayed there
breaking apart
atom by atom,
feeling less and less
until I was fully numb.
I could have stayed...
But I didn't.
And that has made all the difference.
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Come all ye faithless women
Who have turned your backs upon
Your countries, your lovers,
Your people
Thrown into the arms of the enemy,
A mighty embrace,
Held there upon your back
As you lay in tents of another
Come all ye whores of Troy,
Pillars of salt, topplers of Tenochtitlan
Those whose names are synonymous with
Inconstancy
Betrayal
And womanly weakness
Those whose history begins and ends
When faith is lost
Who are not afforded the compassion
Of men
Nor the dignity of steadfast women
Come all ye faithless women
Fulfill thy destiny
That to the world’s end not one word
Nor song shall be sung
Of your goodness
And that women will hate you worst of all
Alas that such a fate on you should fall!
"Cursive Cressida" by Amatullah Bourdon
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ok but you dont fucking get it. i love you and it doesnt mean what you think. its not heteronormative and its not nuclear and it cant be described in a way that has words. there arent words for it. its not queerplatonic. its not romantic. its not platonic. its none of those things. its incomprehensive. its unwordable. its not because youre my lover or my mother or my sibling or my friend its none of those things. you dont fucking understand. we fuck and we share our feelings and we abandom the status quo and part of the point is that we dont make sense. isnt it? isnt it?
i feel alterous. thats the best word for it because there isnt one thats better and i dont think there ever will be. its not about not wanting to be romantic or sexual its about being different. its about a new fucking category, a secret third thing, yes and no, what happens when you mix everything and nothing together.
its because i see love differently. ive recontextualized it, made myself to view it in a way that is outside of the general conception of love. i want to explain it to you but i just cant. i want to but i dont know how. you need to feel it. you need to know what its like to be alien
im aromantic and im asexual
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bury me in childhood joy
they say a little girl died in that primary room,
arms folded tightly,
head bowed,
fidgeting silently.
her long natural hair, a testament to her mother's devotion:
brushing out painful knots
shaping tight braids
shoving sharp bobby pins in to keep it all together.
the itchiest dress you could imagine
but it was oh so beautiful
the scratchy fabric hurt more
as dresses increased in modesty-
modest dresses equaled more fabric
to cover up girls' vulnerable bodies.
that girl had the longest dress
she was modest. she felt like a monster.
"the spirit,"
they said,
"is a still small voice."
and for the first time, the girl recognized a lie.
the spirit was not still. was not small.
it was loud, roaring waves of emotion
that overcame her
and taught her that emotions have depth and range
she was happy. she was sad. she was crying, she was glad.
that child died before she learned the word "impulsive."
the promptings of the spirit were many. they were unpredictable.
the child didn't understand.
why would her leaders lie?
the lesson was forgettable. the message, not so much.
"you must be prepared to die for the church"
"you would rather die than deny your faith,
right?"
the child didn't comprehend martyrdom
but in that moment, she knew she would die a martyr.
and she did.
the child used to love wearing her ctr ring
"choose the right"
so she did.
she chose the right path
her ring rests on that primary chair
blackened with a sharpie and bent out of shape
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