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#i wrote some! made this!! i have a few drafts that ill be posting at some point agahsks

sunfyresrider · 1 year

Text

The God's Will

Summary: Elaena Targaryen is the youngest daughter of KIng Viserys and Alicent Hightower. She had always been frail and sickly which encouraged her to find solace in the faith, maybe a little too much solace. Growing up she had always held a special place in her weak heart for Jacaerys Velaryon, but it seemed the Gods may not be on their side.

Pairing: Jacaerys Velaryon x OC x Aemond Targaryen Warnings: Driftmark incident, bastards, family fights, alcohol w stupid decisions, OC got some adhd and depression, RELIGION, fluff and kissing (barely) Word Count: 20K Note: this takes place when they were children/young teens so no funny business. (I think this works as a one-shot idk but it’s been in my drafts for months so it needs to be posted again:)

ACT I

Elaena Targaryen was the youngest daughter of Queen Alicent Hightower and King Viserys Targaryen. Her birth itself was such a struggle it scared the Queen from trying for another. When she was born, she was silent. Every maester and nursemaid in the room panicked. They rushed to breathe life back into the babe only to discover she was breathing just fine.

"She's a shy one." The maester spoke to calm the nerves of those around him. Alicent who was half unconscious was not being paid any attention as per usual. No one celebrated the birth of her children or apologized for her hard labors. Her own husband had missed the birth entirely to celebrate his grandson's name day.

Elaena was a year younger than Jace but born on the same day. Jace was born in 114 AC whereas Daenys was born just months prior to little Lucerys Velaryon in 115 AC. It seemed she was cursed to remain in his shadow just as her mother was cursed to live in Rhaenyra's.

As a toddler she was quiet. According to stories she nearly died in her cradle several times. Most kinds of physical labor were too taxing for her small body. Her appetite nearly never existed. It was by the will of the gods she survived. She was more polite than her siblings. Always making projects and doing things for those around her. It was how she vied for the attention of others.

The septas adored her meek and gracious attitude. She was far easier to handle than her other four siblings. Aegon had always been the rambunctious sort and Helaena was nit-picky and distant. Aemond was too obsessive and possessive of the things he enjoyed or hated. Daeron was the closest to her. He was kind, charming and studious, the best out of the bunch.

As she grew her personality remained. Elaena was meek, shy, gracious, gentle and frail. Though she had a sense of humor only few noticed. Elaena was far more sensitive than most and had a great many fears. For that her family kept her hidden from the depraved nature of the world and she remained innocent.

She blossomed into a fine and delicate beauty. She was slender and short with big purple eyes. Her skin was fine, pale, nearly translucent.

She dressed more conservatively than most. Elaena tended to wear well-made but simple clothing. She seldom wore any jewelry besides a seven-pointed star necklace. Though she had beautiful golden hair, she hid it beneath a hair net or a cowl. By all accounts she would have been a septa if her grandsire permitted it.

She became a devout follower of the faith as she aged. She found solace in the gods and thanked them for not letting the stranger take her. Elaena was quite skilled at the harp, sewing and embroidery. In her spare time, she wrote poetry and painted scenery.

Elaena often read to her sickly father. Though he rarely remembered her name and oftentimes mistook her for Rhaenyra. He was always much kinder and more attentive to his girls. He always claimed she had such a lovely voice.

Unlike most of her family she did not hold any ill-will towards her half-sister. In fact, she tried harder than any to gain her affections. She enjoyed her nephews who were so close in age to her. Especially Jacaerys who shared her name day. Although sometimes he would say she was more Hightower than Targaryen.

As for her family it was another story. Her grandsire Otto also preferred the girls over the boys but tended to forget she existed. Her mother was lovely but never paid much attention to her, she was far too busy wrangling her eldest three children. Aegon was never present much. She was not made aware of his doings because they were deemed inappropriate. Heleana or 'Hel' as she liked to call her always went to septa classes with her. They never got close in childhood due to her obsessive nature over bugs and Elaena's crippling fear of them.

Daeron was her other favorite besides Aemond. Though she did not enjoy his rude nature towards their nephews or her nephew's cruel nature towards him she did not pry. He was kind and gentle with her.

But Aemond was her other half. He was obedient, charming, kind, and handsome. He cared for her like no one else did. When she was sad or could not find sleep, he read to her. When she was more sickly than usual, he stayed to take care of her. He listened to her every whim and made her laugh. No one else noticed that she loved to joke, only him.

Her dragon was a mirror image of herself timid, small and was born sickly. Urrax was her name, and she was by all accounts the least dragon of them all. She was white, nearly translucent like Elaena. She grew only large enough to saddle her or a small child. The she-dragon had tried to be friendly with the others but those around her were far too aggressive. She did not eat enough and spent most of her time behaving as a large child.

Though she did not fly her as often as she should for, she was too afraid of heights. That was Elaena's closest companion. Others had made fun of her claiming she was useless and the worst dragon of them all. But Elaena claimed it was the gods' will to make Urrax so much like her.

Elaena and Jacaerys sat on a bench surrounded by hedges much taller than they. She had taken up the task of trying to teach him High Valyrian. Though they both fell flat as she wasn't that good at either.

"Valar Morghulis" Elaena spoke. "Valar Morghulis." Jace replied. "No, that's the wrong response." Elaena counteracted. "Valar...valar.." Jace stuttered over his words trying to remember the phrase. "Valar Dohaeris. come on Jace, you tell Vermax to dohaeris all the time." Jace sighed and continued kicking his feet. "My mother asked to betrothe Helena and I." Jace spoke his eyes, never leaving the ground. His lips were pouted in a…sad manner. "That sounds lovely. What did the king say?" Elaena closed the book and turned her full attention to him.

"No." Elaena hummed in response. "It must be because of your ages. We are far closer in age anyways." Jace whipped his head around and stared at her in disbelief. "Are you saying you want to marry me?!" Elaena giggled, "No! I'm just saying it would make more sense." Jace scoffed, "Well I wouldn't marry you anyways. That's gross!" Elaena shoved his shoulder. "I'm not gross, you're gross!"

Jace mockingly stuck his tongue out at her. Elaena leaped to her feet and Jace took that as a signal to run. The children darted around the gardens bursting with laughter. The sounds of their little feet hitting the stone path echoed. Though physical activity was not her strength she quickly ran out of breath and stopped in place. "I yield!" Elaena bent over and placed her hands on her knees. One downfall of her sickly life was she could not play long with the other children. Her body gave up on her faster than her mind.

Jace slowly eased his feet and turned back to her. She was never able to run fast enough to catch him. It was a fun but short game they played. He didn't mind waiting on her or finding something else to do. She was his only friend besides his brother. The kindest out of her siblings. If he were to be king, he thought she would make a good consort.

"I win!" He announced proudly. "It's no fair! You're too fast." Elaena removed her hands from her knees and walked towards him. "Or you're too slow!" Jace retorted. A frown formed on Elaena's laugh and worry shot through his body thinking he made her cry. He reached his hands out to her. "El, I'm sorry-"

Elaena took that chance to pounce. She grappled him to the ground and began throwing punches. It felt as if his baby brother was attacking him. Her punches were soft and light at best. Jace began his own attack, tickles were her sworn enemy. She fell down to his side and he rolled on top. Her laughter filled his ears like a song. She pleaded with him to stop through tears and fits of giggles.

A shadow casted over them and he pulled back. The giggles of children ceased and sounds of them scurrying to stand took its place. Princess Rhaenyra wore a curious look as she observed the two. She approached Elaena with one hand on her pregnant belly and plucked some leaves from her hair. "It seems you two abandoned your Valyrian lessons." She spoke. "Sorry mother."

"Sorry Princess." Elaena had never referred to her as a sister. The age difference was too vast and the strife between their families too big. Rhaenyra lowered her hand and smiled at the two. "When I was your age, I didn't care much for lessons either. I preferred to ride Syrax and eat cake." Whatever trouble Jace thought he was in disappeared at his mother's admission. Elaena enjoyed watching how they interacted. She did not have the bond they had with her own mother. In fact, if Alicent saw them Elaena would be berated for not acting ladylike. That was if her mother remembered she existed. "Elaena sweetling, why don't you join us for supper?" Rhaenyra questioned and Jace poked at her arm. "I'd love to! But I have to go back to my septa before she gets mad."

Elaena was a true follower of the faith. She did not commit sins like others around her. Except one, she would tell a white lie from time to time. She could pray for forgiveness after. "I'll see you on the morrow, Jace!" Elaena lifted her skirt and did a small courtesy towards Rhaenyra before she scurried off.

"Bye!" Jace waved furiously before he turned his attention back to his mother. "You two are quite close hmm?" Rhaenyra quizzed him, raising one eyebrow. "She's my friend." Jace kept watching her disappear into the distance. "Maybe when you grow, she will be more than a friend." A small smirk climbed onto her face. "Ew! Don't say that." Jace whipped his head around and his cheeks flushed. "I am merely thinking aloud." Jace pouted his lips and turned his gaze to the ground. "Please don't think anymore."

Rhaenyra chuckled and ruffled his curly brown locks. "Run along now, you need to bathe!"

Elaena only lied when she did not wish to reveal her secrets. When Jace brought up the possibility of a betrothal a new idea sparked in her mind. She wanted to paint a Valyrian wedding. No one would notice if she did eat dinner tonight.

Her brother, Aemond had given her a new set of oil paints for her last name day. They glided across the textured canvas easier. The colors were far more vivid than the chalk she used to use. She had exactly twelve jars of paint to choose from. Today she would simply need five.

It took her three hours of continuous brush strokes to finish what she had started. Once she got an idea, she would fixate over it until it was done. That was an issue she had whenever something sparked her interest; she obsessively consumed it until she got bored.

Elaena stood back to admire her new painting. A part of her wished she could take it to someone and have them appreciate her work but that was not her life. Sometimes it ate her alive to think of how little she mattered to those around her. In those dark hours she simply reminded herself the gods would always be there to watch over her.

The sound of her door slowly creaking open caught her attention. However, she was in a trance staring at her work and didn't turn. She was observing every small detail trying to find a problem she could fix.

"You're doing it again." Aemond’s voice rang through her chambers. "Hmm?" Elaena was far too focused to pay attention. "You're forgetting to eat because you're so distracted." He stalked towards her. "I'm not hungry." Elaena could feel Aemond roll his eyes. "The Gods say it is a sin to lie...Here I brought you a plate."

He knew how to tug on her heart strings. Religious guilt was something she accidentally instilled in herself by finding too much solace in the faith. She dropped her head and sighed. He moved over to the small table in her chambers and waved her over. "I haven't seen you at all. Have you been fixating on this all day?"

Aemond regretted getting her new paints. He knew how she got when she really enjoyed something. Though some call it a strength, it was also a weakness. It worried him how often she would forget to eat or bathe because of a new story she was writing or fabric she was stitching. Painting was just a new obsession that preoccupied all of her attention. He would not directly admit it, but he did get jealous when she paid no mind to him. "No, I spent the day with Jace. Then I began working on this before the sun set."

She picked apart the food on her plate. It did not help her sickly nature that she was so particular about her food. She preferred sweet and mild flavors over those of spice and bitterness. She liked soft and easily chewed textures rather than rough meats. Most vegetables were her sworn enemy as well as salted pork.

"You shouldn't spend so much time with him." Aemond spoke. "And why not? He hasn't done anything to me." Elaena continued to stare at her plate. "They aren't good company to keep. You know how people whisper that they are-" She cut him off. "No, I don't hear any whispers. No one tells me anything."

Aemond sighed. No one told her what a bastard was. There were many times they were scolded for potentially saying unsavory things in front of her. Their mother had kept her as innocent as possible, perhaps to prevent her from turning out like Aegon or Rhaenyra. Or maybe so she could easily manipulate her into doing what she wanted because she knew nothing else. Maybe she just didn't care enough to teach her. Aemond did not know which it was, but he knew she loved her. The Queen was just too busy to handle all the children she had. "I just mean if people see you with a boy who isn't your brother, they may think bad things." Elaena dropped her fork. "What bad things?"

Aemond quickly realized this conversation was going nowhere. Sometimes he wondered if she acted oblivious on purpose, or she really was that dense. His eyes wandered over to her new artwork. For her age she was quite skilled at the craft. He could tell it was a scene from one of the history books he read to her.

"Are you planning on marrying someone? Why did you paint a wedding?" He inquired. "I got the idea because Jace said he might marry Helaena! Wouldn't that be exciting to go to a real wedding ceremony?!" She exclaimed. "Mother would never allow us to marry one of them." Elaena rolled her eyes. "I know, he told me."

Aemond was getting annoyed that the conversation kept going back to Jacaerys. He would need to find her a new friend or start hovering over her more frequently. They would taint her with their ways just as his mother said they would.

"I thought you only liked the seven-pointed star. Why have you painted a Valyrian wedding?" Elaena cleared her throat, "Just because I do not wish to follow it does not mean I cannot see the beauty in it. There is beauty in everything, good or bad, such is the Gods' will."

Sometimes the way she said things surprised him. Aemond was genuinely fascinated by the way her mind worked and how she carried herself. How could someone so closely related to them be so different. Times like this he understood why she was sheltered from the outside world. "Spoken like a true saint. The High Septon would be proud."

Elaena finally began eating her food. She picked the carrots and cabbage out and put them to the side, then she crushed the meat pie enough it would be easy to chew. It was only a few bites of food but she was in a hurry to please Aemond so he would give her the berry cake she smelled in his lap. He always brought her sweets as a reward.

"All done!" She dropped her hands on the table and stared into him. "That's nowhere near enough." He spoke. "But-" Aemond quickly cut her off. "Eat half."

Elaena growled at him, earning her an amused look from him. She shoved the mushier half of the pie in her mouth. While her cheeks were still full, she spoke, "Now give it to me." Aemond laughed at her. "You look like a squirrel preparing for winter!"

He pulled out what he knew she desired and slid it over. In one quick gulp she swallowed her food and began ravishing the cake. She had the most manners out of them all, but it was lost once she was alone, and sweets were on the line. He couldn't help but giggle at her passion for eating desserts and the mess she created.

"You desperately need a bath!" He chuckled at her. Aemond pointed at the red stains from berries on her face and the leftover paint on her skin. "I'll bathe when the maids remember I exist."

Her maids had forgotten to come and check on her. Aemond would have his mother scold them later. That was the power he had being the perfect son. If he saw something that was not good, usually she would listen and do something about it.

Aemond took the empty plates from her and began the march to the Queen's chambers.

ACT II

She had taken Jace down to the dragonpit with her this morrow. Urrax was more of a glorified dog than a dragon. She rarely held the fury other dragons possessed and was more useless than them all. She was a lot more obedient and trustworthy of other people but did not care to listen to them. She enjoyed sunbathing and neck scratches most of all. Urrax was not big enough to be ridden and her rider was too scared of heights anyway. She didn’t mind that because Urrax was lazy above all else.

“You see, having a dragon is not all that fun. Urrax doesn’t even move.” Elaena pointed at her dragon and frowned. “That is because she’s too much like you.” Jace spoke in a matter-of-fact manner. “Well, she also rarely flies.” She rolled her eyes and placed a hand on her hip. “That is because her rider is scared of heights.” Jacaerys spoke with a cheeky smirk plastered on his face.

“Uh...Urrax come! See, she doesn’t even listen.” She tossed her hands up in the air. The she-dragon stayed sitting staring at what they could only presume to be a mouse.

“That is because she is distracted by that mouse like you get distracted by your crafts.” Jace patted her on the head and ruffled her hair. Elaena dropped her shoulders in defeat. “A dragon who is born in a cradle tends to be a mirror of their rider's personality.”

Jacaerys spoke confidently. It always intrigued Elaena how smart he could be when he tried. Usually he fell short in academics, not because he was dumb but because he was lazy. Every once in a while, though he would shock her with random facts he had picked up.

“Come” Elaena took his hand and dragged him over to Urrax. She plopped down on the ground and dragged Jace with her. She enjoyed petting Urrax and speaking with her. Though she doubted she could understand what she was saying. Urrax looked to get a rush of excitement and laid herself down next to them. She knew what time it was. “She enjoys being pet…like a hound.”

Jacaerys scoffed at that. Elaena narrowed her eyes at him and began stroking the scales on Urrax’s neck. The dragon purred and closed its eyes. She was a quiet attention whore just like Elaena.

Jace's eyes seemed to light up when he touched her. Vermax was never the kind of dragon to allow people to pet him. He was extremely ill tempered as most green dragons are. Jacaerys and him got along well enough but he was nothing compared to Urrax.

“Is she…purring?” His eyes widened as he leaned closer to listen in. “She is! That must mean she likes you.” Elaena cheerfully proclaimed. “It is said that dragons and riders share feelings.” He spoke quietly. Elaena was oblivious to most things around her, including the feelings other people had for her. It was not because she was dumb it was simply because she lacked the ability to read people. It was much easier for her if people just told her flat out how they felt.

“Ah, I like you, so it makes sense. Does that mean she will eat my grandsire?” His cheeks flushed red before his face was taken over with curiosity. “You don’t like your grandfather?” Elaena stopped petting Urrax for a moment to think. It was not a holy thing to judge other people, only the gods could do that. Internally she started to become conflicted on if she should start her rant or pretend, she said nothing. “I misspoke, my apologies.” She had decided to say another white lie. That would be the only sin she allowed herself to commit.

Jacaerys nearly barfed in his mouth when she admitted that. He hated that so much of her life was focused around the seven. It completely prevented her from living. All of the Hightower children were weird in their own way. Aegon was a drunk, but he was still cool sometimes, especially when they picked on Aemond together. Helaena was weirdly obsessed with bugs and spoke in riddles. He didn’t dislike her at all, just had little in common with her. Elaena, though she was so sweet to him and an amazing friend, was held back by imaginary Gods. Daeron, he never got to know well enough. He did not like Jace that much he knew. Aemond loathed him to his very core. Every time he was with Elaena his eyes beat red with jealousy. He normally held his tongue, but Jace knew what he wanted to say.

Elaena was the only one he could genuinely consider a friend. His mother liked her more than the others too. One thing that separated her from the rest was she never called him a bastard. She never even brought up the whispers or his relationship with Ser Harwin. Either she was completely oblivious or did not care and he enjoyed that she was like that.

“I don’t like your grandsire either.” He meant it to be comforting to tell her she wasn’t alone. It seemed she didn’t feel the same because he watched as she stood up and brushed the dust off herself. “I wish to go to the sept and pray. Will you join me?” Jacaerys never went to the sept, nor did he wish to. However, for a reason unbeknownst to him he could never say no. “Yeah always.” He took her hand into his own and let her guide him. Elaena always had the softest hands though she was always cold. He sometimes thought he could warm her if she just stayed close to him.

They were escorted by guards the entire way to the grand sept. Children would obviously not be allowed to venture the streets alone, but he wished for alone time. That was not a request he was going to receive today though. The sept was dark and lit by hundreds of candles on the mantle in the center of the room. Statues of each of the gods lined it and stared down at him. The windows were colored and had the seven-pointed star decorating them. It was not a place that brought him comfort, it brought quite the opposite actually.

“Do you know how to pray?” He felt guilty when he had to shake his head no. “No matter, we all must start somewhere. Here follow me.” Elaena led Jace to the front of the mantle and handed him a candle. She lit her own and passed the stick to light his. “What are these statues?” He asked with genuine curiosity.

“The bearded man is The Father. He is said to protect his children. You pray to him for the strength and wisdom to seek justice yourself or for him to take justice on your behalf.” She pointed at the statue with a stern face. It did resemble Ser Harwin a bit. “That is The Mother. She is said to be loving and protective of her children. You pray to her for mercy, and to keep loved ones safe….The man with a sword is The Warrior, you pray to him for courage, a favorable condition during battle, to watch over soldiers, give them strength, keep them safe, and help warriors to victory.” She took a deep breath to prepare for the next explanation.

“The man with a hammer is The Smith, he is the mender of broken things who puts the world of men to right…The innocent looking woman is The Maid. People pray to the Maiden to keep young women safe. A mother may pray to the Maiden to lend courage to her daughters and guard them in their innocence, while a bride might light candles in thanks if a suitable marriage offer is made. Women may also ask for forgiveness for their sins.” She took notice of Jacaerys slowly becoming bored and zoning out. She let out a deep sigh before continuing, “The Crone is the woman with the lamp. You pray to her for wisdom and guidance. Lastly there is the stranger. He leads the newly deceased to the other world. However, he is also meant for the outcast and wanderers of the world. People who fit in that category tend to light candles for him.”

Jacaerys wasn’t sure who he was meant to pray to. His own mother never taught him much about religion, it wasn’t something that was common in their household. “Who do I pray to?” Elaena let out a huff of annoyance, presumably at how uneducated he was. “To whomever you need to speak to.” That was not very helpful. He watched her close her eyes and clasp her hands together. The candies illuminating her porcelain skin looked beautiful. He wished he looked more like her and not like…Jacaerys wouldn’t think about that right now. He chose to awkwardly ask the warrior for strength and the father for wisdom. One day he would be king and perhaps the gods who help him become a good one. It was a short pray and his knees hurt from kneeling. Elaena was taking her sweet time talking to the gods.

Elaena first prayed to the father to bless her and her family with wisdom. She then moved to the mother and asked for protection for her family. She prayed the warrior gave her brothers strength. The smith mends the bonds of her family that had been broken. She asked the maid for forgiveness for her sins and help in maintaining her innocence. She prayed the crone guided her down the right path with her lamp. Finally, she asked the stranger to lead all the ones that were lost to their salvation. An unusual prayer came to mind today. Her brother Aemond had always been an outcast. Perhaps the stranger would lead him to a path of salvation too.

“I’m done.” When she was finally satisfied with her conversations, she turned to Jacaerys. She noticed at one point he was fiddling with the hot wax and trying to find a distraction. “We should probably head home then..before our mothers worry themselves sick.” Her mother never worried sick about her. She was far too busy with her own duties to keep track of the youngest daughter. Only Aemond cared about where she went. “You’re right, I’m late for septa lessons too..hurry!” She ripped Jace off the ground at the sudden realization and took off. She was never late to lessons, the scolding she was about to receive would ruin her entire week.

Not only was she late to her lessons but it was the first time her entire family had shown up to one. Elaena couldn’t fathom why they were all crowded in one room. She felt her heart plummet into her stomach and the sweat started to pool on her palms. She should have prayed to the mother for mercy today.

“Elaena, where have you been?! You’ve never been late before.” Spoke her septa, Margaret. Alicent was watching Helaena sew before she turned her attention to Elaena with a questioning gaze. “I-I went to the sept to pray, and I lost track of time..I’m really sorry.” Her eyes were nearly about to spill out tears. She never got in trouble, she always stayed in the shadows. Now it was her first time that the attention was all on her. “It is good that you pray, my dear child. Who escorted you all the way to the grand sept?” She turned her eyes to Aegon who looked excited that someone besides him was getting in trouble. Aemond looked at her quizzingly. There was no one there to save her.

“Jacaerys took me.” She spoke excitedly thinking that having an escort would get her out of trouble. Elaena couldn’t have been more wrong. “The Velaryon boy?! It is inappropriate enough that you are frolicking around with a boy who is not your family.” Alicent scolded her for the first time. Her lips began to quiver, and her shoulders trembled. Elaena didn’t understand what was so wrong with him. “The Maiden would not be pleased to see her child with a random boy…especially one of them.” Her mother lowered her voice and spoke in her usual soft tone.

She didn’t know what she meant by one of them but assumed she meant boys that weren’t her siblings. She prepared herself for another berating before a soft voice chimed in. “It is my fault, mother. Elaena asked me to accompany her, but I was far too busy reading. She only went with him because he obviously had nothing else to do. You have my apologies.” Aemond’s face had an apologetic look. Alicent let out a deep sigh and shook her head agreeing with him. He had lied to save her. She would thank him greatly later.

“I’m sorry, Your Grace.” Elaena curtsied and lowered her head. Alicent ushered her over to sit next to her. She began brushing Helaena’s hair and started an announcement. “Aegon and Helaena will be married soon. I wish for us all to congratulate them.” Elaena silently clapped for them. She may be a fool but not big enough a fool to believe anyone would want to marry her brother. He was the living embodiment of sin. Daeron patted his brother on his back and clapped silently for Hel. Aemond and Aegon both looked as if they were going to vomit in their places. Helaena simply ignored everything her mother said and twirled a string in her fingers.

“I will pray Aegon improves before your wedding.” She whispered to Helaena. The air in the room grew tense as Alicent began bickering with Aegon. “I have more news…Daeron is being sent to Oldtown to squire.” Elaena clapped cheerfully now. Her smile was of genuine excitement. Though she could not shake the sorrowful feeling in her heart to see another family member leave. Daeron seemed proud of his new station, at least in Oldtown he would be given proper attention. Elaena wished she could go as well but her mother would never let one of her daughters out of her sight for too long. The meeting came to a close with a few hushed good lucks and soft hugs. Aemond was the one to follow her out.

“Why does she hate the Velaryon’s so much?” Elaena asked in her supremely innocent voice. “They are not like us. It is something you’ll understand when you’re older.” Aemond crawled into bed next to her and opened a book about the history of Oldtown. “I’m old enough now to understand most things.” She sighed as she watched him flick through the pages. “The Maiden protects your innocence as does our mother. That is all she’s trying to do by keeping them away.” He spoke softly. Even Aemond got annoyed at her hyper fixation on the Gods. However, it was one of the few things she listened to and took to heart. He felt guilty each time he had to use it against her or to explain away something but, it was a simple option.

He paused on a page with a painted picture of Oldtown. The grand Hightower stood in the midst of the citadel. It was surrounded by mountains and the ocean. “It looks so beautiful on paper; I wonder what it looks like in person?” He sighed, “Daeron will know soon enough.” She sunk deeper into his chest and inhaled the scent of leather and dust. He always smelled dusty from the library.

“I prayed for you today.” She spoke softly. “Why me? Aren’t there more important things?” He glanced at her quizzingly. “None more important than family…I prayed to the stranger.” Aemond sat up from his position and his eyes gleamed with shock. “You pray for my death?!” She covered her mouth as her giggles sang throughout the room. The twisted expression he wore was humorous to her. “No fool, the stranger helps outcasts too! I prayed he would give you a dragon and guide you like the other wanderers of the world.”

Aemond settled back in his previous position. His heart was conflicted on if he should be thanking her or scolding her for thinking of him as an outcast. “Thanks…” His voice was as unsure as his mind. Damn those little bastards for making him look bad. “When you do get a dragon, I’ll pray he’s not as useless as Urrax.” Even that made her brother laugh. She was cursed with a dragon more like a dog and he had none at all. Fate was such a fickle thing.

Aemond hadn’t come to visit her until late the other night. He was covered in ash. He ranted and raved over being given a pig. He made her swear to the gods to never speak to those bas- she couldn’t say the word. He made her swear to never speak to them again. It felt as though her soul was being torn in half. Jacaerys was always so kind to her, how could he do something so cruel? If she was there, she might have prevented it.

Elaena was not there for the fight in the yard either. She didn’t have the stomach for violence nor the patience to watch boys swing wooden sticks for hours. It was just another tear in her family she failed to prevent. It was not her place to feel so much guilt, but she did. Instead of crying she began a new project.

Morning, noon, and night for the past week she tirelessly sewed a gown for Helaena. It was white with glistening jewels and lace sewn onto it. The headpiece itself was a monster of its own. The dress was meant for the wedding if her mother permitted it. She would, of course, no one was a better seamstress than her. Oftentimes she found herself pricking her own fingers and ignoring the small drops of blood that pooled on her tips. Once she was ‘in the mood’ as Aemond liked to say nothing could distract her. A dragon could burn down King's Landing and Elaena wouldn’t even notice.

Creeeeeeeeak

The door slowly moved open, and a bush of brown locks popped in. A pair of brown eyes followed and wandered around the room. A small tan hand pushed the door the rest of the way open.

“Psst” Elaena was too focused. “Psst, Elaena!” The whisper grew louder. “Elaena!”

Jacaerys shouted in a whisper. How could she be so deaf? She furrowed her eyebrows and backed away from the dress. She could have sworn she heard something- A pair of small hands covered her mouth before she could scream. His big brown eyes stared into hers. “Shhh I’m not supposed to be here! You have to keep quiet.” She mumbled in the palm of his hand. Elaena’s eyes searched around the room. “Do you promise not to shout?”

Jace’s face was one of worry. She shook her head, and he slowly pulled his hand away from her. Elaena’s face was now covered in his hand sweat, gross. “Jace!” She shouted, before he could reply she jumped and wrapped her arms around him. Yes, she was still mad over the pig joke but without him she was so lonely. He could be forgiven just like all of The Mother’s children. Aemond would probably forgive him too once they learned how to be friends.

“I missed you too.” He nuzzled his head into her hair. Besides smelling like floral oils that were used in her bath, she smelled like the fabrics or paints she surrounded herself with. It was a comforting smell that encased his senses. He used his hands to rub her back just as his own mother did to him. “I want to take you somewhere.” He pulled away and placed his hands on her shoulders. He was not asking her permission, simply telling her what they were doing. “It’s really late…I don’t want to get in troub-“ He interrupted, “You won’t! Just please follow me.” It was impossible to say no to him. Especially when his big brown eyes stared into your soul. It was like looking at a begging dog. “Ok…. but where are we going?” She examined his face for any clue. He simply grabbed her hand and pulled her with vigor. “You’ll see!”

After ducking and dodging several nighttime guards they stumbled upon the gods wood tree they spent so much time under. It was dimly lit from the torches within the castle. “Why are we here?” She spoke in a hushed whisper. He pulled her to the ground under the tree and cupped her hands. His expression was laced with seriousness. “I needed to tell you something but only in private, in our place.” Her heart sank, imagining what words could be uttered from his mouth. “Wha- what is it?” He sighed and his fingers tightened. “We’re moving to Dragonstone. I’m not sure when I’ll be back or if we will ever see each other-“

“No!” Elaena was a sensitive girl with too many feelings. Her tear ducts acted on their own accord and released a flurry of tears. Jacaerys acted quickly and embraced her harshly. The sounds of her whimpers were muffled in his night clothes. “I wanted to do something with you…swear something to each other.” Elaena pulled herself away from him and wiped her tears. Her response was intertwined with sniffles. “Swear what?”

Jacaerys took this as a good sign and unsheathed his dagger. Ser Harwin gave it to him before he left, now he vowed to take it everywhere with him. Elaena’s eyes widened like he had never seen them before. She muttered short ‘whats’ as she began pulling away. “I’m not going to harm you! It’s just to carve something into our tree.” She stared at him in confusion. “Carve what?” His lips curved into a mischievous smirk. “A promise that we'll be together no matter how far away we are.” That sounded like something Aemond read in story books. Lovers torn apart making a promise to each other.

“I’ll start.” He took his time sloppily carving something into the tree. His hands shook as the bark fell apart. It was completely unintelligible. “There, now your name is carved into here for the rest of time.” That made her giggle with joy. He moved the dagger, so the end was facing her. “It’s your turn to carve mine.” She nervously took the blade from him. Elaena had never wielded a weapon before, nor did she intend to. She gave him an awkward smile as she tried her best to write his name. It was even worse looking than what he did. She pulled back and her face crinkled at the poor craftsmanship. He let out a laugh then took her hands.

“It is time for the promise itself…are you ready?” She shook her head once more. For a boy of ten he looked very grown up at this moment. “With this kiss I pledge my love. I shall be loyal to you always, and hold no secrets from you, now and forever. I share your joy, from this day to my last day. And, with this flower, I pledge my passion.” He handed her a little dandelion he picked up. It was a weed not a flower but no matter. What was that about a kiss? Before she could mull it over, he pecked her lips with his own. Her entire body felt as if it was lit aflame. Her cheeks were a shade of blistering red. “It’s your turn, El!”

Her throat betrayed her and spoke before she could think. “With this kiss I pledge my love. I shall be loyal to you always, and hold no secrets from you, now and forever. I share your joy, from this day to my last day. And..um..” She didn’t have a flower on her. The air around them became awkward quickly as she searched herself for anything. Ah, the seven-pointed star necklace she always wore.”And, with this necklace I pledge my passion.” She dropped it into his lap and stared. Elaena was not bold enough to do what he did. Her fingers began to fiddle with the seams on her dress. Her cheeks burnt hot to the touch. She quickly asked the warrior for courage and leaned in.

“Ow!” She had failed miserably and flashed her forehead into his. Elaena rubbed the knot that would most likely form after tonight. Jacaerys laughed at her under his breath and grabbed her face. “Muuuuuah!” He didn’t peck her this time it was the worst open mouth kiss a child could do. He slobbered on her like a dog, and she couldn’t help but crinkle her nose. Jace saw his mother and Ser Harwin do it once…he realized it looked better than actually doing it. They didn’t notice the pair of violet eyes staring at them or the small brown ones following suit.

Thus, two little kids made a promise neither could fully comprehend. A pledge that they may never end up keeping. Everything was so much simpler in the story books they read. The goodbye was sweet and simple, but she couldn’t hold back her tears. Luckily for Elaena she would be seeing Jacaerys very soon.

ACT III

The wind of Driftmark was chilly and the air smelt only of salt from the sea. It had only been a few days since they departed to Dragonstone before Elaena saw him again. Her mother summoned another rare group meeting to announce the Lady Laena had passed and you all were to attend her funeral. It was an odd thing going to a funeral of someone you didn’t know but that was the duty of a princess, Elaena thought.

She was completely dazed throughout the entire ordeal. Only exchanging glances with Jacaerys who looked more solemn than usual.

“Why does he seem so sad? I didn’t think he knew her all that well.” Aegon snickered at her obliviousness and Aemond rolled his eyes. “His father died and his grandsire too.” She confusingly looked around the funeral.

“Aemond, they’re right here.” He lowered his voice to nothing above a whisper. Aemond was acting as if he was sharing top secret information. “No…their true father, Ser Harwin Strong died in a fire. Lyonel died with him which is why grandsire is the hand again.” Elaena’s eyes widened as she took in the new information. Jacaerys did always look a bit like a Strong…and he was rather fond of the Lord Commander too. “If he was their father, why didn’t he claim them?” Aegon bit his lip trying not to laugh. He placed a hand on her shoulder and leaned in. “Because they are bastards born out of wedlock. To claim a bastard is to forever shame yourself in the eyes of the Gods you worship, silly girl.”

It was that word again. The word Aemond threw around in her room the night after the pig incident. If it were true, that they were ba- born out of wedlock that would mean their entire life was a lie. Their claim to anything was also a falsity. Oh my, her best friend and half-sister had been living in sin her whole life and she never noticed. She might be considered a sinner too for…liking him.

She stared at him with wide eyes for the entire speech. Elaena would go and pray for him soon. Overall, she wasn’t that worried about him, more about how the gods were going to punish her for associating with him. Would they damn her to the Seven Hells for what she had done? Would they take the life of someone she loved too? What cruel punishment would they give to her for kissing a bas- born out of wedlock child?

“Don’t tell them that you know. You’ll get in far more trouble than you deserve.” Aemond looked at her with a serious expression. “How do we know for certain?” She quizzed him, secretly she hoped it to be a lie. Maybe Aegon told him as a jest, and he took it too seriously. One of the jealous ladies spread the rumor, surely. “Mother.”

It was the truth after all. The guilt started eating her alive almost immediately. If his very birth was against the gods, wasn’t he supposed to be..cruel? Jacaerys had always been kind to her. He didn’t seem to be someone who was a sin, not yet at least. Her mind began racing, endlessly searching for a path to forgiveness. Elaena could just go and offer him saving...bring him to the light and turn him holy. Yes, that’s what she could do right now. The gods were merciful after all, and he had proved himself too not be evil. They both may not have to face persecution.

Aemond watched her face wash over in anxiety. Her eyes focused entirely on the direction of their nephew. He had finally said something that struck a chord with her. Now, he could finally stop worrying about them interacting. He turned to Aegon who had already begun bickering about his marriage again. It disgusted him how little he cared for duty or the law. How he managed to dishonor himself every day with another serving girl or liquor. It was a blessing she never had to witness his doings…Aemond froze for a moment and realized she wasn’t clinging onto him anymore. He whipped his head in several different directions before he spotted them. It always had to be them.

Elaena had been following Jace’s movements around the funeral awaiting an opportunity. Oddly enough, Rhaenyra was doing the same to her uncle. They pretended not to notice each other wandering aimlessly, a secret understanding of sorts was made. She stalked through the crowd of people and lost sight of him. Of course, her sister would distract her fro-

“What are you doing?” Her entire body whipped around, and Elaena’s face burnt red from the sheer embarrassment. “I-I wha- are you stalking me?” She spoke, shifting the blame onto the other person that was definitely a sin of some sort. He furrowed his eyebrows, “Why would I be stalking you? I was trying to find my cousins and you’re in the way.” He scoffed; his words came out far more venomous than he had intended. Jacaerys was simply upset about everything around him. He was confused and angry that his parentage was kept hidden away for so long. And he was overwhelmingly sad that Harwin had died before he got the chance to form that sort of bond with him. It was a lot for a boy of ten to handle on his own.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Elaena shuffled to the side so he could get past. Anyone else in her family would probably bark back at him. Scold him for being rude towards them. Not her, she simply accepted defeat.

“It’s fine…” Jacaerys mumbled under his breath. Internally he was rather pleased to see her again. Though he had an amazing family, he yearned for the comforts of someone less…biased. Someone who he considered more of an equal rather than his little brother or mother. The faintest of smiles crept onto her face as she reached forward. The necklace she gave him was still hung around his neck. “As long as you wear this the gods will keep watching over you…My apologies for the loss of Lady Laena…And Ser Harwin, I know you all had a strong bond.” He grabbed her hand with strength she did not know he possessed. She stumbled back, ignorant of the implication she made. Elaena had chosen the worst word to describe them without realizing.

“What did you just say?” His cheeks were red but not in their usual flush, they were an angry shade of crimson. His eyes shot daggers through her, and his grip tightened when she wouldn’t answer.

“I-I..” She couldn’t figure out what she had just said wrong. What could she have possibly said to trigger this sort of reaction? “You’re just like the rest of them, aren’t you?!”

Her eyes began watering on their own. Tears forming a pool threatening to spill over on the edge of her lids. Elaena did not do well getting in trouble. Especially, when she had no idea what she did. “Let's go.” The voice from behind her spoke firmly. Elaena turned her head,

“Aemond!” Jacaerys and Aemond had a short-lived stare down. His eyes were cold, dull even and seemed to pierce right through Jace. He let go of Elaena and stepped back, he raised his chin to Aemond, “Do you always meddle in your sister’s life?”

Aemond laughed, “I never noticed how strong of a grip you had, perhaps a trait from your father.” Jacaerys took a step forward and looked as if he was going to strangle Aemond to death. But, not before Aegon decided to join in the fun. “Fighting at a funeral? Isn’t that unbefitting of a future king, Jace?”

Jacaerys didn’t let go of eye contact with the youngest brother. Though for a moment it seemed his lip twitched. Aegon normally wouldn’t waste his energy on childish fights but after the pig joke, he owed Aemond. Plus, only he was allowed to make fun of his sisters.

Jace was the first to break, he was outnumbered and wouldn’t cause a scene on such a sad day. Unlike Aemond he wasn’t that desperate to fight another person. He let out a childish huff and moved over to his cousins.

“Why were you talking to him?!” Aemond scolded her. “I just wanted to say sorry.” Elaena muttered. “Did you see what happened?! That’s why I tell you not to talk to them!” Aegon chimed in,“Look, she's crying now, idiot!” Aemond furrowed his brows. “Yeah! look at what he did to her!” He pointed to the tiny red spot on her wrist. Jacaerys didn’t grab hard enough to leave a bad mark, he wouldn’t do that. “Stop yelling, she’s crying more!” Aegon pointed at her face. “How is that my fault?! It’s the bastard's fault.” Aemond retorted. “Of course, it’s his fault but you’re making it worse!”

Elaena felt the sting of hot tears forming in her eyes as Aemond and Aegon both started to yell at her. She felt her throat tighten and her vision blurring as the tears started to slide down her cheeks. Embarrassed, she tried to look away, but the boys’ yells kept ringing in her ears and she couldn't bear it any longer. She suddenly remembered her room and the shelter it could provide from the scolding. Without another thought, Elaena ran inside and into her room, her face wet with tears and her heart filled with sadness. She sank into her cotton bed, pulling the covers over herself and let the tears flow freely. She tried to muffle her sobs, but the boys’ voices still echoed in her head and overwhelmed her. She cried until a deep, exhausted sleep came over her.

“Wake up!” Two hands shook her vigorously.

“Elaenaaaaaaaaa….wake upppp!” They pulled the blankets off her. Elaena groaned and rolled over. Her eyes stitched shut by dry tears and her throat sore from sobbing. The smell of wine filled her nose and forced her fully awake.

“Aegon, you’re drunk.” She spoke in between yawns. “We need to go!” He yanked her by the arm. She barely had time to pull a nightgown cover off her chair before she was rushed down the stairs and into the great hall. Aegon hadn’t told her anything as he raced her and Helaena to the scene. The room was packed to the brim with onlookers.

“What’s going on?” Helaena spoke in a loud whisper. Aegon shuffled them to the side of the room where their mother stood. Elaena immediately took notice of Aemond’s absence. She gazed around the room and spotted the Velaryon boys covered in blood. Her first instinct was to gag at the sight then the next was to try to go over to Jacaerys. Aegon pulled her back and leaned down.

“Look! Elaena look what they did!” She moved her gaze over to the chair, her mother sat in front of it with tears in her eyes. The maester worked vigorously on someone. She cranked her head to the side and saw him. Her eyes widened and she stumbled back. His eye was gone, it was completely gone. The bile in her stomach itched at her throat. Aemond had gotten his eye cut out.

The king, her father, started demanding answers. The noise of his shouting and everyone else’s was blurred in her head. She had tunnel vision; all she could stare at was him.

Aemond had been right all along, they lived in sin. Jacaerys and his siblings were all bastards, their lives were against the gods themselves. Sweat began pooling on her forehead and her eyes flickered between the children. The gods punished her by taking his eye, just as they punished Rhaenyra by killing Ser Harwin. This was all her fault for associating with him, for kissing him. She was a sinner now too.

Elaena was consumed with an intense guilt as she realized Jacaerys took Aemond's eye with the dagger they exchanged their vows with. She felt sorrow and outrage, mixed with the grief and indignation of betrayal, as she was reminded of the warning Aemond had given her about Jacaerys being a sin. This moment made it all too real, making it impossible for Elaena to deny that she had failed her faith and her brother, dabbling with something her religion denounced. Her throat was thick with tears that she was unable to shed, and her mind was beset with conflicting thoughts as she wrestled with her own belief system, realizing that she had been wrong to ignore Aemond's warnings. She wanted to stop the pain that Aemond was enduring but could do nothing but watch helplessly as her brother's eye was taken in such a cruel and calculated manner. The Velaryons were all monsters, and she was now one too.

The sounds of fighting erupting were drowned out by her own mind. Accusations being sent across the room like hell fire. The arrival of her half-sister and the Velaryons did not ease the tension.

“You will make good will to one another! Elaena and Jacaerys are henceforth betrothed. Their union may just make this interminable infighting cease!” Viserys spoke. “Thank you, father.” Rhaenyra replied.

Elaena was ripped out of the daze she was in. When she heard she was to marry Jacaerys, Elaena felt a wave of deep despair flooding her heart. The news caught her completely off guard and her natural reaction was to recoil away from him in fear. She knew without a doubt that his previous actions were nothing less than sinful and to be married to him would make her complicit with it. She couldn’t help but feel that she was losing her way in the eyes of her religion and her faith in her own goodness was diminishing.

She casted her view to Jacaerys who lowered his eyes, Rhaenyra offered her a soft smile, Aegon was too bewildered to speak, Helaena wasn’t even present in her mind to react. Her final turn was to her mother and brother. In her mind she was begging them to make it stop. Don’t let this happen, don’t let them drag her farther into sin and away from her faith.

“No!” Aemond shouted. "Goodwill and betrothals will not make my son whole again!” Alicent spoke in a plea that would go unheard. She felt her chest tighten and her heart start to sink as she tried to wrap her mind around the reality of the situation. She couldn’t shake the feeling of being doomed – like she had already lost and was heading further away from redemption and the light. The thought of it was unbearable.

She watched in horror as Alicent lunged at Rhaenyra. Her own father had forsaken them. He allowed them to take his eye with no punishment and then threaten to punish him for an insult. It wasn’t until now she realized the way of things. On this night she realized her ‘father’ did not think of them as family, only backups. He did not love them, he only had love for his other family. Her mother had been right to warn them this entire time. He would take out their tongues for speaking the truth and force them into unwanted marriages for his own gain. Rhaenyra and her brood were sinners and the king stood idly by and let them do as they pleased whilst the rest suffered.

The night swiftly came to an end when Alicent released the blade and Aemond said it was a fair trade. It was not a fair trade in her mind, nor would it ever be. She stared at Jacaerys with tears welling in her violet irises, he did not return her gaze. Elaena was mentally pleading with him to say sorry, to offer them anything. He did no such thing. Instead, he walked away from the scene with his own family. Rhaenyra and her kin were always good at fleeing when things became unsavory. It left a bitter taste in her mouth and a stain in her heart.

Elaena spent that night with Aemond and many other nights after.

Her disdain for her other family had simmered down. She still did not think of them as her true family and still believed them to be sinners in need of saving, but she did not loathe them. She prayed for them instead and for her future husband. Lucerys was truly the only person she had quarrels with. He took her brother's eye after all; she prayed the warrior would serve him justice one day. However, her disdain for the king did not relent. The Gods would be angry she could not be rid of the grudge that held onto her heart but there was nothing she could do. He had caused the divide even if he did not mean it.

It was easier to forget her betrothal and inevitable doom whilst at home. Her mother fought tooth and nail to have her stay at home with them. For the first time her mother took notice of her, real notice. She was interested in her art and crafts and her love for the seven. The Queen permitted her to wear more conservative clothing you might see a septa wear…she even considered letting Elaena become a septa like she wished. The King would never allow the last bit but at least her mother now tried.

She had taken to becoming Aemond’s caregiver as a way to appease her sins. Elaena followed his every move like a dog. Though he was not an easy patient, he wished to do everything on his own. The worst part of it thus far had been the removal of the stitches. The maester said that he may have chronic pain for the rest of his life to match with the massive scar. His eyeball was completely gone and for now it was just a hole he covered with a patch. Elaena wouldn’t admit out loud it was a hard sight to behold.

He also had been in higher spirits because of Vhagar. She had doted on him like a mother whose babe had just gotten injured. Aemond flew on her every single day, sometimes he wouldn’t return for hours. Elaena remained content waiting for him on the ground. It wasn’t like Urrax could magically grow large and take off. His entire aura had changed after that night. He was no longer the shy and polite boy she knew. Instead, he was self-assured, audacious, diligent, and independent. He was more mature and prince-like now than he ever was.

He wanted to go and escape on Vhagar today but all of the king’s children were forced to watch the tournament for his first-born son’s wedding. He had invited every lord and lady from all across the realm to enjoy the festivities. Though, it wasn’t a very festive week for the couple or for the younger children who were reminded they would forever be in the background of the eldest.

“I hate tourneys.” Aemond mumbled under his breath. They sat in the royal box looking down at the “excitement” below. Aegon and Helaena sat opposite to them. One was already drowning in his cups and the other was lost in her own head. “I think they can be nice.” Elaena smiled at him. She was purposely staring any other way besides the violence below. “Real men don’t need to prove their honor in tourneys with sticks. They prove it in real war with real swords.”

She hummed at his words. “It can be kind of romantic…A man winning with the favor of a girl and crowning her in front of the masses…Not everything has to be about proving your honor, it can be about defending someone else’s.” Aemond tapped his fingers on the wooden chair she sat in. “Do you wish for your future husband to do that?” She peered up from the ground. Her future husband, Jacaerys Velaryon. A subtle frown creeped onto her face at the mention. “No, I don’t think my future husband will do anything of the sort for me.” Aemond's lip twitched into a smirk. “Mayhaps I will consider it.” He leaned back down into his chair and watched her closely waiting for a reaction. He was sorely disappointed when she did not falter and got lost in another daydream.

Elaena did not understand why he would consider it. She failed to understand the reasoning for most things around her. For example, why Aegon did not participate in the tourney to crown Helaena queen of love and beauty. He was completely drowned in his cups the entire tournament. Neither of them wanted to be married but at least it was Helaena and not a bas- Velaryon. She still did not let the vile word seep onto her tongue or into her mind freely.

Her uncle won the tournament for Helaena. Gwayne was her mother’s brother, and he was quite the knight. Though, she barely knew him since the king kept them all locked away in King’s Landing. Daeron was permitted to come back to see the wedding too…but only the wedding. The king cared the least for his youngest son who he forgot existed the majority of the time. Elaena had requested to be sent to Oldtown too but was refused instantaneously. After the incident at Driftmark he had completely casted aside her four siblings. The only reason the marriage was being celebrated was because Aegon is the first-born son.

“She looks pretty with a crown, don’t you think?” Aemond leaned back into Elaena. “Hmm, I suppose.” She lightly slapped her brother’s shoulder. “You’re supposed to agree.” He rolled his eyes and turned back to her. “Maybe I think it would look better on someone else.” A weird feeling formed in the pits of her stomach. Why would it bother me if he thought it would look on someone else, she thought. “W-who?” Aemond’s stoic face melted, and a light tint of rose painted his cheeks. “Erm…Aegon” The weird pit in her stomach disappeared as it tended with laughter. “He does look like a pretty princess! Look at his luscious blonde locs!” She giggled hysterically. Aemond left out a breath of relief for whatever reason.

“Who’d dress, would you rather wear mine or hers.” Elaena spoke with narrowed eyes and venom laced on her tongue. A tailor had come in to fit Helaena for the god-awful dress they had concocted. It was plain and an ugly cream shade with no detailing whatsoever. It wasn’t befitting a princess by any means. “Insolent child.” The plain-featured woman growled. Elaena’s face twisted in dismay. She had spent hours tediously sewing and stitching fine details onto this dress. Her little hands had subtle scars from the needle pricking her skin. It was by all account perfect, and this hag wouldn’t waste it.

“I think they’re both beautiful.” Helaena spoke softly whilst she gazed upon them with her doe eyes. She was far too sweet for her own good. “I’ll ask your mother.” She sneered and walked towards the exit. “No, I’ll ask my mother!” Elaena rushed towards the door and grabbed the handle. They began pushing and shoving each other to get hold of the doorknob. Neither were about to willingly let their hard work go to waste.

Sadly, Elaena was weak and sickly. She was easily overpowered and knocked to the floor. Tears began welling into her eyes and the room became distant. The embarrassment of being so quickly overpowered and undermined by this woman was draining her resolve. “Don’t bite off more than you can chew, kid.” The woman spoke with a subtle smirk, she turned to open the door but was beaten to it by the Queen. She stood in the doorway and observed the scene before her.

“Elaena, my sweet, why are you on the floor?” She moved over so she was standing above her. The tailor began muttering incoherent sentences out of fear. “Sh- she pushed me an- and she called me insolent.” Her sobs echoed throughout the room. “All because she didn’t like the dress I made!” Elaena pointed a finger at the woman. It was a sin to lie, but sometimes a simple sin is necessary. You would always be able to pray for forgiveness later. Alicent’s face dropped, and her eyes turned cold as she turned to the woman. “Ser Criston, escort the lady out.” Cole, the sworn guard and occasional father to the Hightower siblings, took her arm rather roughly and pulled her out. Apologies were being thrown around like snowballs in the North.

“Elaena made me a dress, it’s quite pretty.” Helaena spoke whimsically. “Aw my beautiful girl.” Alicent walked over and tried to cup Helaena’s face, but she flinched away. She never liked to be touched. She let out a sigh before turning to trace her fingers across Elaena’s dress. Her eyebrows raised slightly, and a glimmer of interest showed on her face. “You made this?” Elaena wiped the real and fake tears off her face. She used her hands to pat down her dress and rid it of the wrinkles. “Yes, I spent the last two moons on it.” Her mother stood back and clasped her hands together, she appeared deep in thought. “It’s lovely…A dress worthy of a future queen.” Elaena chose to willingly ignore the last comment. Any type of praise overshadowed the possible treason. “I’d like to wear hers instead. If that’s ok mother.”

Helaena got her way; Elaena guessed it was because her mother felt bad for forcing her to marry Aegon. She waited impatiently on the seetee as the servants dressed her sister. She had never looked so beautiful before. Her hair was in high braids on top of her head and the dress fit her curves perfectly. The lace and jewels simply accentuated her features. When the ladies were finished her mother waved them off and allowed the sisters just a moment of alone time.

“Are you scared…for marriage that is.” Elaena nervously asked, she was beginning to think of her own. “I suppose, I heard husbands leave you alone once you bear children. I’m looking forward to that.” That did not do well to ease her own nerves. She didn’t like the thought of bearing children let alone to someone who took her brother’s eye. Then again, she didn’t even know how you made children. “You look too beautiful for him not to fawn over you. I’m sure it’ll be much happier once you’re officially together and the Gods bless your union.” Helaena turned around and stared at her sister. She pondered for a moment before crossing her arms and giving a soft smile. “Elaena…you know nothing.” It wasn’t spoken in a harsh manner, nor was it intended to be an insult. She still felt a subtle ache in her chest at the thought she knew nothing. Before she could ask any more questions, another knock was heard.

“It’s time to go, Princess.” Her father was there to escort her into the grand hall. Elaena quickly popped up out of her position “Good Luck!” She waved as she opened the door and rushed past the king. He stared at the child whose name he forgot rushed past him in haste.

“Why was she in here?” He asked. Helaena smiled brightly at the attention her father was about to give her. “Elaena made my dress. She is quite talented.” Ah, Elaena, his youngest girl. She was an odd one, much more Hightower than Targaryen. She would make a good future wife of Jacaerys, very docile and obedient. And Rhaenyra voiced how much she liked her and how they had bonded. I should start paying more attention to her, the king thought, “What a lovely dress!” He limped his way over to Helaena and placed his hands on her shoulders. “You look beautiful, my girl.” She bowed her head slightly. “Thank you, Your Grace.” Unlike their half-sister it was rare the five siblings called him father. He was more of a man they occasionally interacted with than a dad. Though he did take special interest in Rhaenyra and Helaena, he obviously preferred girls.

The wedding venue was in the throne room. The great hall was decorated with white floral arrangements and Targaryen banners. The smell of wine and expensive food filled everyone’s noses. It was backed to the brim with Lords and Ladies from across the realm. Elaena shuffled nervously next to Aemond, noticing all the eyes on them. “You look fine.” He whispered in her ear. They weren’t staring at her; they were looking at the boy with an eyepatch. “We all look better than them.” Daeron spoke and the three children turned. In the midst of their wedding vows Aegon began to cry, Helaena followed suit.

The king learned from Rhaenyra’s wedding that the feast should be held after the vows are made. Since he decided this, Aegon was unable to drown in his cups…yet. The Grand Septon announced that their vows were finalized, and they leaned in. “…that is the worst kiss I have ever seen.” Daeron said with subtle disgust plastered on his face. “When have you seen married people kissing?” Their parents never once placed their lips together. In the entire time she was there was not a single moment of romance between the two.

“They weren’t married.” He giggled to himself. “Shut up, Daeron.” Aemond whispered in a stern voice. “They aren’t going to consummate.” He spoke. “What’s that?” Elaena asked with genuine curiosity. “Daeron! Shut up!” Aemond yelled in a whisper. “You talk about it all the time!” Daeron pointed at his chest. “Talk about what?!” Elaena pleaded. “Not in front of her!” He was no longer whispering and spoke loudly. All eyes were on the youngest as the eldest siblings turned to them. They had all been caught red-handed gossiping.

Elaena smiled brightly trying to avoid the disapproving stares. Her face burned bright red as she slowly backed away behind her brothers. Daeron and Aemond shared tight lipped smiles as they turned and ushered Elaena to the table. “Are we going to get in trouble?” She asked softly. “Hopefully Aegon will do something worse.” Daeron said. “We can depend on our dear elder brother to mess up more than we have.” Aemond sneered. He hadn’t forgotten the pig joke and had yet to fully forgive him.

The feast was spread out far and wide. The table that was placed before the throne was long. To the left of the king were Otto, Aemond, Elaena and Daeron. To his right were Queen Alicent, Aegon, Helaena. Aemond had scooted far away from the king. The scent of his rotting flesh ruined the meal. His presence in general ruined the meal for many. Viserys slowly stood up and went to make a toast to the new couple when he paused. It seemed he realized his favorite family was not here and would not be attending.

“Today we are gathered to celebrate the union of my first-born son, Aegon and his wife, Helaena…The crown wishes you to take part in the plentiful feast and celebrate all the great houses who bless us with their presence…” He paused to cough on his own spit. Alicent immediately began rubbing his hand and begging him to sit. Gods, she was a saint for dealing with this man. The door to the throne room slowly began to open.

“Lord Corlys Velaryon, Lord of the tides, Princess Rhaenys Targaryen, Ser Vaemond Velaryon, and Lady Baela and Rhaena Targaryen.”

Elaena dropped her fork into her plate and Aemond’s entire body tensed. “What are they doing here?” She reached over and grabbed his hand. There was nothing she could do to ease the tension filling the room. The King looked up and smiled “Please, begin the festivities!” Elaena watched carefully as they approached the table. Rhaenys was the only one to gaze upon Aemond’s scar before she turned her attention to the king. “Congratulations to the newlywed couple. May this union bring you happiness.” Lord Corlys spoke with the fakest smile plastered on his face. “Congratulations cousin.” Rhaenys bowed her head slightly.

Elaena squeezed Aemond’s hand tighter as the Velaryons bowed one last time and walked to their seats. She could feel every muscle in his body tense as they approached and not once did, he take his eyes off the two girls. “They’re gone now. It’s just us three again.” She whispered in his ear. Aemond unclenched his jaw and leaned back. He maintained the grip on her hand.

The music started playing and the sound of silverware hitting plates echoed throughout the room. Elaena peered over to look at her siblings and it was as expected. “Aegon is drowning in cups already.” Aemond scoffed, “When is he not?” Daeron peered over the table. “I expect this of him…I did not expect Lord Baratheon to be drinking so heavily.” Elaena bit her lip and contemplated her next words…were they sinful?

“Lord Borros resembles a hog more than a stag.” Daeron choked on his drink and Aemond let out a quiet laugh. “Look closely, you can see Tyland is already drooling over his brother's wife.” Elaena shook Daeron’s shoulder. “Lady Redwyne has already descended upon the cakes!” Their giggles were quickly becoming uncontrollable. “Lord Caswell’s balding has spread to his nape. He’s practically a dragon egg!” The children burst out in laughter and Aemond simply smirked next to them.

“You’re both so immature…Eat your food before Lord Borros gets it.” Elaena’s face turned bright red as Aemond finally made a jest of his own. It was so comforting for all of them to be together again. However, the comfort ended when Helaena and Aegon stood up to dance. He was already stumbling slightly, and Helaena had completely disassociated from the situation. Daeron shifted in his seat, “It’s like watching two headless chickens.” Elaena stared at the mediocre dance performance below. “I thought marriage was a gift. This looks more like a punishment from the gods.” The children quietly ate their food and avoided eye contact with their siblings. They all felt bad of course but what could they do about it? The king and queen wished for it, so it was.

The music shifted and so did the room. Other guests descended upon the dance floor. Elaena watched as Aegon approached their side of the table. “Aemond, I’m begging you just dance with her for a few more songs, please!” Aemond sat there more annoyed than when the Velaryons arrived. “No! She’s your wife.” Aegon scoffed, “That doesn’t mean I want to dance.” Elaena and Daeron side-eyed each other as they watched their eldest siblings. “Ask Daeron!” He whipped his head around. “Don’t drag me into this, I promised our cousin from Oldtown.” Elaena sighed, “You’re all horrible. It’s our sister's wedding and not one of you will dance?” Aemond’s face washed over in guilt, and he stood up. “A real man does what his lady wishes.” He stared Aegon down and walked over to Helaena. For the first time in the entire night, she smiled brightly.

“Your cup is still full, sister.” Aegon slurred his words. She watched him take the seat next to her. She went to turn to Daeron, but he had gotten up out of guilt too. “I don’t drink, it’s improper for a lady.” His eyes rolled so far back in his head he probably saw his brain. “You’re a princess not a lady. Look, even mother drinks.” She looked across the table and noticed her mother drinking far more than usual. Mayhaps this wedding was dreadful for all the participants. “Here, drink this cup and if you hate it, I will never bring it up again, I promise.” He was bored and trying to drag someone else down to his level. His other siblings weren’t as gullible as Elaena. Sometimes her personality reminded him of a dog, submissive and obedient. If someone said fetch, she would probably do it. “Fine.”

She eyes the red liquid inside her cup and swirled it around. This wasn’t a sin, the seven allowed girls and boys to drink. She just simply did not wish to partake in something that may get her in trouble. She sniffed the cup and her face curled in disgust. Elaena shut her eyes tight and said a quick prayer before she dumped the entire contents of the goblet into the back of her throat. “Seven Hells!” He laughed as he scooted back. Elaena choked and snorted some out of her nose and onto the table. Majority of it went down her throat and already she could feel her insides warming. “My septa is less bitter than this.” Aegon chuckled, “Elaena I did not know you knew how to jest!” She tried to narrow her eyes at him, but it quickly became a smile. “I am the best jester in the seven kingdoms. If you simply paid attention.” Aegon nodded his head and called over a servant.

“Dornish sweet wine.” The maid quickly bowed her head and scurried away to grab another. “This is far sweeter though it’s darker in color.” The nice lady refilled Elaena’s glass and she took it instantly. “Elaena! Let’s have a drinking contest. Whoever reaches the bottom first wins.” Elaena turned her head to her brother. She raised one eyebrow, “What is the prize for winning?” Aegon sat back in his chair and swirled the wine in his cup. “I’ll let you ride Sunfyre if you win. If I win, I’ll need you to pretend I’m with you when I sneak out.” Elaena huffed, “One ride for an eternity of me aiding in your antics? That’s not even remotely fair.” Aegon pouted, “Fine just this week then.” Elaena rolled her eyes.

“On three…One…Two…three!” She threw the cup back like she did the first time, but her throat didn’t listen. Half of it went back in the cup whilst the other seeped into her stomach. She tried to quickly try again but Aegon had already depleted his goblet of wine. “You drink like a braavosi sailor!” She shouted! “I drink just the right amount, little sister. You should drink more!” That was a grand mistake, but she did it anyway. He refilled her glass twice more and twice more did she lose to him. “Lady Jeyne has already begun harassing the servants.” Aegon pointed to the woman. Elaena didn’t know what he meant but nodded anyway. “Lord Stark looks like a melted snowman.” He hummed in agreement.

“If I win this one you have to answer me three questions.” She spoke. Aegon was drunk enough to no longer be able to say no. “Absolutely! “ The goblet was refilled a fourth time and for the first time she had won. She mastered the art of draining the contents in one go. Aegon let out a vile burp afterwards that made her face twist in disgust.

“you’re such a wastrel.” He scoffed, “oh and you’re such a saint. Saintly little Elaena who kissed Jacaerys under a tree.” Her entire body froze, and sobriety hit her like a sword. Except, the moment of clarity was only a moment long. “If you tell anyone I will cut off your manhood!” He looked at her as if she was crazy. “Do you even know what manhood is?!” No, that she did not know. She was severely uneducated in many aspects. “Fine! Since I won, tell me a few of your secrets since you know mine.” He sunk down into his chair. He looked to be deep in thought. “I relieved myself out of the window a few times.” She didn’t know what that meant. She took it as he pissed outside of his window a few times. Which wasn’t disgusting but he could do worse. “Not good enough:”

He scoffed, then his mood turned solemn. “I feel terribly that I can’t be a good husband to Helaena, nor will I ever be…my heart belongs to someone outside these walls.” Elaena suddenly felt her heart ache at the mention. It was awful for both parties involved but that didn’t excuse his actions. Though, she was going to be in his position soon. Once she was forced to wed Jacaerys that is. She sighed deeply, “A toast for our future failed marriages.” Aegon furrowed his eyebrows. “Our?You don’t like him?” She rolled her eyes. “Absolutely not, did you not see what happened at Driftmark?” He nodded his head and picked up his glass. “A toast to our inevitably unhappy futures!” They clinked glasses and gulped down their contents.

Hiccup

“Aegonnnnn”

Hiccup

She shook his shoulders. “I wish to danceeee”

Hiccup

“I just escaped the dance floor, now you want to drag me back?” Elaena nodded quickly. “Aegonnnn, pretty pleaseeee.”

Hiccup

“I never ask you for anythinggg.” He pushed her face out of his own. He stood up and reached out his hand. “Payment for drinking with me, I guess!” They were both absolutely sloshed. Firstly, Elaena’s entire body felt as if it was hot air, and it vibrated every time she moved. Secondly, the world was spinning in a fun way, and she could barely stand without holding onto Aegon. Thirdly, their faces were bright red, and wine stained their clothes. As he tried to lead her down the stairs he tripped, and they both went rolling. The world moved in slow motion as they toppled down the stairs to the bottom. Every single eye in the room was directed towards them.

Elaena couldn’t feel a thing, nor did she really know what happened. “I saw the gods!” Elaena jested. “I don’t think they want me.” Aegon replied. They burst into laughter that forced tears to trickle down their faces. Neither realized the adults rushing to them to berate them to no end.

“Aegon! What were you thinking!” She spoke in a whisper shout as she attempted to drag him off the ground. “And you?!” Elaena felt the sudden urge to vomit. Her head started to spin, and her surroundings quickly disappeared. “I got her, mother. Take care of him.” Her savior pulled her up by the arm and dragged her out of the hall. She couldn’t see what was going on nor could she process it.

“Air! I can’t breathe! Air!” Elaena shouted at her savior. He quickly changed their course and dragged her out into the courtyard. The chilly air cooled her burning skin, the wind dried her sweat and tears. It wasn’t enough…the second she was outside she dropped to her knees and emptied her stomach contents.

“Did Aegon do this?” She waved her hand behind her back as she continued to leave a pool of wine below her. “Everytime I leave you alone you get into trouble…how is that possible?!” She wiped her face off on her sleeve and sat up. She could see clearly again, and her head was no longer ringing. “I-I” She started to tear for whatever reason. Her breathing became heavy, and her heart raced against itself. “I’m sorry.” The tears that flooded her eyes spilt out into her hands. Why was she crying? What had just boiled up to the surface?

Aemond knelt down on the ground and wrapped his arms around her. “I’m not mad at you” She let out a loud cry, “No! I’m sorry I’m nothing like you! I’m sorry my dragon is useless! I’m sorry I don’t know the things you do! I’m sorry I can’t fight or stand up for anyone! I’m sorry I’m not a real Targaryen an- and I’m sorry I’m so much like a bastard!” She pushed him away and sobbed into her hands. He reached out to touch her head. ”You are nothing like those bastards!”

She slapped his hand away. “No! No, you don’t get it! You ride the largest dragon in the world! Aegon is the first-born son! Helaena is the dreamer married to the first born! Daeron is the charming squire of Oldtown! I’m just Elaena! The forgotten daughter, the forgotten child, the forgotten princess. Even the gods have forgotten about me! Im nobody to everyone!” Her breath hitched in her throat, and she started to gasp for air. Her tears ached as they streamed down her face. He had no words to comfort her. No actions he could take to fix her problems. They were born unlucky and for now nothing would change. Aemond didn’t know what to do exactly but he did know what always made him happy.

“Get up!” She turned to face him. “Why?” He yanked her arm up. “We’re going!” All of her protests were met with no response or a quickening of his pace. He dragged her out the back of the keep and into one of the small beds of sand near Blackwater Bay. It was only a short walk from where they were, but it looked like an entirely new landscape. She was completely out of breath from the running. Her tears had officially ceased though and she was able to gain a bit of herself again.

“Why are we here?” Aemond’s face lit up with a smirk and he pointed up. He whistled loud enough her ears rang. “I’m taking you where I go everytime I��m upset.” She gazed at him and the excitement on his face. He was rather…cute in the moonlight. “H- How?” Her thought was interrupted by the sound of giant wings descending to the ground and a splash of water cascading towards the beach. She stumbled back and her eyes widened as she looked upon the massive beast.

Vhagar

“You’re going to fly a dragon today. No more sulking while the rest of us are in the skies!” He grabbed her hand and tried to pull her, but she stumbled back. Her eyes were the widest they had ever been and her face flushed red. She looks beautiful in the moonlight, he thought. Aemond took her hand and dragged her towards his dragon. The she-beast would be gentle with anyone he enjoyed. He pulled her shaking hand up to her scales. “See, she’s gentle.” Vhagar let out a huff of smoke causing Elaena to giggle. He liked the sounds of her laughs.

Getting her to climb up the saddle was harder than he imagined. Her little arms were too weak to pull herself up. He had to maneuver himself below her and push her butt up. It made a little more sense why she never willingly tried to ride a dragon. He sat behind her and pulled the reins to him. “I'm scared.” She spoke in her sweet soft voice that sounded like a prayer. “It’s okay, I’ll keep you safe.” He pulled the reins back and shouted,

“SOVES!”

Vhagar took off into the night sky. The stars and moon reflected onto the water perfectly. In some ways Elaena was his moon and stars. She is what lit up the dark world around him. Elaena’s eyes were closed shut and she was holding onto the saddle for dear life. “Open your eyes, El!” She shook her head. “I got you, just open your eyes!” He snaked one arm around her waist for extra support. She opened her violet eyes slowly and peered into the vast sky. The sky was littered with white stars that reflected along the water. The waves created by Vhagar’s wings made it all the more majestic. She would paint this, she thought.

She leaned back into Aemond and watched the clouds pass by. The cool air beating against her skin made the sickness of earlier fade. The thoughts that had plagued her melted away in the sky. It felt as though she were…free. Elaena savored every moment knowing it would probably be her last. Urrax the little beastling was too sick and frail like her. “El, you see that black mass. That’s where we’re going!” She leaned up in the saddle and gazed across the water. An island? This close to home?

Vhagar’s descent onto the land was met with a huge cloud of sand flying into the air. She was simply too massive for this world. Aemond climbed down first and held his hands out. “Jump!” She peered down at the sheer distance and decided she couldn’t. “I can’t!” She cried out. “I’ve never let you fall before, have I?” She rolled her back and sighed. No, he hasn’t let me fall before, she thought. “If I die don’t let them burn me!” Elaena took a deep breath and jumped. He caught her but she also was suffocating him with her dress. Aemond thrashed at the cotton until he could see the light again. He helped her down on the ground and noticed her legs were wobbly. His legs were too the first time he rode Vhagar.

Elaena wrapped her arm around Aemond. “Where are we going?” A smirk creeped onto Aemond’s face. “It’s my secret place.” He walked her to the edge of the island where a cave that ran deep appeared. On the inside there were remnants of his previous visits. There were books, blankets, a wooden sword, and a firepit. He pulled her deeper in and on the other side of the cave was an entrance into the clear blue water. It was nothing like the disgusting sewage water of king’s landing. “We can swim, if you’d like.” Elaena hadn’t ever swum before but if her first time was to be with anything it should be Aemond. “Ok! How do I do it?” He shuffled next to her. “First you have to take off your dress, so it doesn’t get wet, then I’ll go first, and I’ll catch you.” Take off her dress? As in be naked? She momentarily felt her cheeks redden but it quickly disappeared. Was it a sin for family to see each other naked? Is this against the seven? What would her punishment be for this? The thoughts that plagued her mind quickly washed away when she heard his voice. “Do you want to?”

She had no reason to be nervous; it was only Aemond! “Ok..turn around though!” Elaena tried to undo her dress quickly but the sound of him jumping in the water happened faster. She fought with her dress as she ripped it off her head and threw her undergarments to the ground.

The excitement that was building was too much for her to handle. Before Aemond could turn she leaped into the water. The feeling terrified her at first, but after a second it was calm. She stared at the stars from beneath the water in awe. Aemond heard her jump in and didn’t see her come up and quickly became panicked. He dove underneath the water to look for her, but it was too dark. He stared down for a moment and called her name…nothing. Just before his heart could burst into flame, he felt a small finger tap his back. He turned and a splash of water was spewed into face. “You little rat! Come here!” The sounds of children’s laughter and water splashing echoed within the cave for hours. It was a truly pure sight to behold.

Aemond pulled Elaena back up to the shore and sparked the fire once they were done. He delicately wrapped her in the blankets he previously bought and sat down next to her. She leaned her head onto his shoulder. “Thank you.” The words sounded like honey dripping from her mouth. He was feeling rather prideful at this moment…bet the bastard couldn’t offer this. “This place is our secret spot now…You can bring your paints or whichever project you’re doing, and we can escape here.” Elaena nuzzled closer into him. “I’d like that a lot.” A soft smile formed on his face. “I know you think you’re a nobody but to me you’re everything…and I think you’re destined for great things.” Elaena popped her head up and stared at him. For a moment he worried he did something wrong. Instead, she placed a quick kiss on his kiss. “I think you’re destined for great things too.” Her lips curved upwards, and the shadow of the fire danced around the features of her face. Aemond pulled Elaena back into his embrace and laid there.

They accidentally spent the night there and rushed home in the wee hours of the morning. It became a habit they couldn’t break even as adults.

Three years later....

Elaena hadn’t grown at all over the years. Her chest slightly enlarged, and her body began to grow hair but that was all. She was recently told about her blood moon and when she got it, she would have to marry like Helaena. That haunted her nearly every day. Mainly because her sister's marriage was so horrible and not once did, they seem happy. Aegon spent one night with her, and she had twins later on. Then according to rumors, he himself made bastards. She no longer liked her eldest very much and they weren’t close by any means.

She asked, “When are they coming?” Aemond clenched his jaw at the reminder. “On the morrow.” Elaena felt a nervous pit welling in the depths of her stomach. “Maybe we can just run away whilst they’re here. I doubt anyone would care.” He let out an amused breath. “They might not care for my absence, but they will be reeling over yours.”

Aemond hated the bastards and his half-sister more than he would admit to her. They were greedy and took whatever they wanted without any thought. They had no discipline or sense of duty, only fueled by their own desires. He recently had started to understand his feelings for Elaena more. As a child it was a crush now it was more of a lov- liking. He liked her very much and would have no issue cutting down Jacaerys if he touched her. Aemond refused to let them take anything else from him.

He took his life far more seriously after he was maimed. He had to relearn everything from scratch due to his vision. He studied far harder than the rest, he trained in combat more vigorously and he practiced flying with Vhagar. He was the catalyst in making him feel less alone and their bond was special. It boosted his ego riding the largest dragon, but it did not make him forget his supposed place. He not only lived in the shadow of brother but the bastards as well. None of them deserved what was so freely given.

Aemond was insecure about his eye, but Elaena soothed the feeling. It was a talent of hers to always keep him grounded. He only wore an eyepatch to not scare the ladies at court. The sapphire he placed in his socket was for multiple reasons. At first it was to simply fill the void. Then it was because Elaena became obsessive over the color. Lastly it was because it was his own personal sigil. The sapphire gem symbolized Prince Aemond Targaryen.

“We’re going to be late to dinner.” Elaena spoke as she finished picking up the ripped paper. Aemond held his arm out and waited for her to take it. It was common for him to escort her everywhere.

The large table was set with a white linen tablecloth to cover the table. Dark wood chairs with soft cushioned seating surrounded the table. Glassware and cutlery of fine silver and crystal was set on the table, arranged in an elegant display.

The meal consisted of pigeon pie, an assortment of shellfish that was recently shipped in, an array of steamed vegetables and a broth to wash down the pie. Dessert hadn’t yet been served but Elaena knew it would be a combination of custard and candied plums. She made sure to check ahead of time to see if her favorites would be there.

Everyone at the table drank wine except for her. She couldn’t drink the water in King's landing. You were more likely to get a disease than be hydrated. So, she turned to water with just a tad bit of “beer” in it to kill the nasty things in the water. Some may say she was mildly traumatized after the first time she drank.

The king sat in the middle of the table. His skin was decaying less, and his spirits were high. Her mother was on his left and grandsire on his right. On the opposite side of the table sat Daeron, Elaena, Aemond, Helaena, and Aegon in that order. Daeron came a few days ago for the celebration of the king’s health. Rarely did they get together for supper like this, so it must have been a really important occasion.

“Eat your food.” Aemond whispered into her ear. “I thought we got exotics shipped in?” She asked in a hushed tone. “It’s for the week that they are here, not for us.” Elaena pouted at the reminder they were never going to be the ones to receive the good tasting things from Essos. “Don’t worry, I’m sure there will be lemon pies tomorrow.” Daeron chimed in.

Viserys coughed to gain the four children’s attention. Elaena avoided eye contact with her father, or well the king. “I’m sorry I have gathered you all here tonight on short notice…As you all know my health has been improving and I have invited many Lords and Ladies to celebrate it. My daughter- Princess Rhaenyra and my grandsons will be coming as well. I beseech you to put aside your grievances and welcome them with open arms.” The room was silent as the king smiled at them.

Their mother nodded her head in their direction to encourage them to speak. “Of course, your grace.” Daeron spoke. The rest hummed and nodded in agreement. They would not be putting aside their grievances any time soon. Viserys cleared his throat and turned to Elaena. “This will be a great opportunity to get to know your future husband, Elaena. I’m sure you both have much to catch up on.” The meal was ruined in an instant. “Yes, your grace.” She spoke softly to him but under the table she was digging her nails into her thighs.

The king sat back down and requested the bards to play music to rid the room of its silence. Aemond slipped his hand under the table and placed it on top of hers. “Do not fret, you won’t be catching up with him anytime soon.” She let out a deep breath and stared at her food. “He’s a fool to think a marriage will end the strife between us.” Daeron spoke in a hushed voice. Aemond’s lip curved into a smirk. “Be wary, his ears have yet to deteriorate.”

Elaena’s mind raced with all the worst images. Firstly, how terrible her marriage would be compared to all the ones around her. Rhaenyra cheated on her first husband then he and her lover died. Her own mother was a child when she married her father and has been miserable ever since. Helaena doesn’t even speak to Aegon except for the two times he spent the night in her room since they were wed. The entire prospect was terrifying and sounded dreadful.

It was not only that, would they even get along after three years? She did not like him, but he could change that… maybe. If he was as holy as her and proved he had changed. After all, it was Lucerys who took Aemond’s eye. If she married him, she would have to live with that creature.

Jacaerys was named the heir to the throne and such. That would mean she would have to learn how to be a consort. It was an entirely new stress on its own. Then she would be forced to push out as many heirs as possible. Would she die in childbirth like so many before her? The maesters said she was probably too sickly to ever carry. How did you even get pregnant? How do you give birth?

Elaena’s attention was turned to Helaena’s swelling belly. She already has twins of her own now but a third was on its way. She contemplated asking for half of the dinner. When the dessert was brought out, she blurted it out like an idiot. “Helaena, where did your babies come from?” Aegon choked on his drink and Daeron slapped his mouth close to prevent from laughing. Alicent and Aemond’s entire body tensed at the question. Viserys and Otto turned to Alicent, questioning her. Elaena beat bright red and stuttered, “I- I know you can only have them if you’re married but how? Where do they come from? How do you bring them into this world?”

Helaena looked as if she was about to answer honestly, she was just as unaware as Elaena but was quickly cut off by the sounds of Aegon and Daeron laughing hysterically. “Aemond do- “Alicent quickly chimed in “Do not answer that!” Aegon spoke, “I’m assuming you don’t frequent the street of silk.” Aemond seemed rather angry when he said that and pushed his chair out. “Shut up!” Aegon stood up out of his chair with a cocky grin. “Why? Are you planning to show her yourself?” Aemond punched Aegon in the jaw and he stumbled back. Aegon lunged at him and grabbed him by the waist. “Cease this at once!” Shouted Viserys.

“Let’s go.” Daeron pulled her by the arm and took her out of the room before it escalated. Elaena had tears in her eyes, violence wasn’t her forte. “I- I didn’t mean to.” Her brother patted her back, “Of course, they’ll use any excuse to duel.” She began fiddling with the sleeves of her dress. “Will you tell me?” Daeron let out a sigh, “That’s a conversation you have with Helaena in private. Maybe even mother if you must.” Elaena simply hummed in response.

She sat at her table writing a rather dull poem. Nothing she wrote was ever good enough to her standards, but she was trying. It was her newest obsession that took over her life.

Dear Husband

Teach me how to live

Without crying

For what is past

Teach me how to live

Without fearing

For what is coming

Teach me how to live

Without yearning

For what I haven’t

Teach me that living

Is more than surviving

But it is thriving

She stared at the page and repeated the words in her head until they grew worn out. Nothing she did was ever truly good enough for her. No matter what she could always do better and be better. This was a trick her own mind played on her. Elaena could create the most perfect piece of artistry known to man, but she would not think it. Just like how her family did not think she was enough, just like how she knew she would never be enough for them.

She dreamed of escaping and living a different life. Her daydreams were filled with fantasies of her being the perfect daughter with the perfect life. If not that then the perfect septa with the perfect faith. She would be the most perfect poet, painter, seamstress, jeweler, musician, dancer, dragon-rider, teacher, storyteller, midwife, and baker. Elaena had many dreams that would amount to nothing.

“Elaena.” Aemond spoke from the chair he sat in. He was here the entire time but was too busy brooding over dinner. “Yes.” She spoke, clearly not paying him full attention. “Don’t listen to Aegon... and don’t follow him anywhere.” She let out a sigh and got up from her desk. He was traumatized at the ripe age of thirteen by Aegon, but she did not know why. Aemond wouldn’t tell her what happened either.

She placed herself on his lap and curled into his chest. Elaena twisted a strand of his long hair between her fingers. “I have no intention of ever doing either.” Aemond placed his head atop her own. “Good.” Elaena sunk further into his lap and raised her head to meet his gaze. “Will you tell me where babes come from?” He bit the inside of his cheek to hold back a laugh. Aemond took a deep breath, “I’ll show you one day.” He placed a quick kiss on her forehead.

Aemond was her savior in many ways.

Elaena was the only person forced to stand outside and greet her other family with the king. She wore a veil to hide her hair and a dress of pale pink and purple silk, with jewelry made of pearls. It wasn’t too lavish but far more than what she wanted to wear. She didn’t mind the color though she preferred off-whites. It was just a bit much; she normally seldom wore any jewelry.

The sun shone brightly on the courtyard. It hurt her eyes and made her dress uncomfortably hot. Elaena wasn’t completely alone, Aemond and Daeron were pretending not to be staring out the window and monitoring her every move. It was rather creepy, but they did not trust the Velaryons.

“Are you excited to see them again, your grace.” The king smiled down at her. “Yes, very much so. Are you happy to see Jacaerys again?” Elaena forced a fake smile. “I am truly ecstatic for his arrival.” The conversation ended just as quickly as it started. They never talked… unless it was about him.

The carriages pulled up and a trumpet was sounded. A few king’s guards went to escort them. Her heart began to race and the grip on her dress became overpowering. He had changed a lot since she last saw him. He was taller and had long curly hair like Ser Harwin. Jacaerys was handsome in some senses. The closer they approached the deeper her nails dug into her side.

“Rhaenyra!” The king exclaimed and embraced his only daughter. Daemon simply nodded at his brother. Rhaenyra moved in front of Elaena, and she swore she felt her heart plummet. “You haven’t changed much at all.” The woman smiled sweetly. “You still look beautiful sister, though I see your belly has swollen. Do I have another nephew or niece coming?” She trained hard for today with her mother. Every single sentence she spoke must be friendly but not too friendly. “Hopefully a girl this time.” She nodded her head in agreement and her eyes moved to Daemon.

He was a scary man whose age was beginning to show. He did not speak nor smile, only stared at her like she was a piece of rubbish. It sent shivers down her spine. “Elaena.” A sword was plunged into her gut. “Jacaerys.” She ignored the pain and kept up the act. “It’s so good to see you again!” He embraced her in a crushing hug. It was the last thing she expected, and she truly did not know what to do. “Jace… you’re much stronger than I remember.” Elaena patted his back a few times and he pulled back. “I have grown a lot. You haven’t changed much, you’re still as tiny as ever.” It was like staring at a puppy dog. His big brown eyes beat into hers with genuine excitement, totally oblivious to his surroundings. She scoffed, “I am average sized for my years!”

Aemond’s grip on his sword tightened. “What could they possibly be talking about?” Daeron said whilst leaning on the edge of the window. Aegon scoffed, “Probably about how big his cock has grown.” Aemond clenched his jaw, “The bastards are being too friendly.” In unison the other two agreed. They didn’t all share the same feeling for Elaena as Aemond but they all shared a hatred for the bastards. They were not allowed around their sisters. Daeron jested, “Go down there before he takes your woman.” Aegon laughed, “It would be easier to take his other eye.” Aemond realized he was surrounded by fools.

“Elaena, will you please escort your nephews to their rooms,” Viserys asked. “Of course, your grace.” She bowed her head and motioned for the two eldest Velaryons to follow her. Lucerys hid behind Jace like a child, that was smart of course no one had forgotten what he did to Aemond’s eye. “I thought Baela and Rhaena lived with you now. Why did they travel separately?” Jace perked up at the mention of Baela. “Oh, they wanted to travel here with their grandparents instead.” Elaena nodded her head.

“Do you always call your father your grace? I’ve only heard my mother do it a few times.” The sword in her gut twisted deeper. “Yes, it is just what I’m used to.”

Jacaerys knew he shouldn’t have asked but he did it anyway. His brain could never just simply think before it muttered words out. He had been anticipating seeing her again for the longest time. He sent her letter after letter and received no reply. Except for one on his birthday that sounded like it was forged. In the past three years he worried she had grown to despise him and his family, but it seemed she remained the exact same.

Jace took his betrothal very seriously. It didn’t matter if they didn’t always get along, they were to be married. It was important they found common ground and made amends, or both would be miserable. He had tried to apologize more times than he could count but once again, he received no letters back. His mother claimed it was Alicent preventing her from seeing them, but he wanted to check for himself.

When they were young, he had this mad childish crush on her. He was rather excited when the king announced their future marriage but over the years, he started to get nervous. Especially since Baela arrived and they got on rather well. She took Elaena’s place in many ways. Well, he never kissed her or swore a vow under a sacred tree, but she was there for him like Elaena used to be. Jace started to think they would betroth them instead but luckily the king was adamant on the former.

“We made sure your rooms were right next to each other. I heard you two are quite close.” Elaena clapped her hands together and prepared to leave. “Will you be joining us later?” Lucerys asked from behind. Dear gods, please grant me the strength to handle this child. “Yes Luke! I will be hoping to see you both there… I do have to run and finish my own duties though. It was nice to see you again.” She waved and took off down the corridor before they could say otherwise. Elaena was not going anywhere without Aemond.

Elaena sat in the carriage with Aemond and Daeron peacefully waiting to go to the woods for a hunting party. The trio was dreading having to go out and endure the festivitie with their extended family. Not to mention the Lords and Ladies who would surely be following their every move trying to grasp for power. A worse fate was bestowed upon them though when the doors to the carriage opened.

“My Princes, Princess, the other carriages were full so the king requested Prince Jacaerys and the ladies Baela and Rhaena ride with you.” The knife in her gut dug its way a little further inside. “Joy.” Daeron said as he shoved himself besides Elaena and Aemond. “You’re squishing me, Brother.” He rolled his eyes, “It’s not my choice, dear sister.” Aemond closed his eye and leaned his head back. He was praying for strength to not strangle Jace the second he walked in.

The other trio climbed inside and sat snuggly opposite to the Hightowers. “Cousins.” Baela smiled politely at them. “It’s good to see you again. It’s been far too long.” The words dripped off her tongue like sour wine. The tension was growing too strong for anyone's enjoyment. “I don’t think you’ve met Daeron! He’s just come back from Oldtown to visit.” Elaena shook his thigh motioning for him to speak. He was always charming when he wanted to be. surely he could find something to say. “It is a pleasure to finally meet you cousins. I hope you have been treated well during your stay.” He outstretched his hand motioning for them to shake it. Both girls softly shook it and turned to each other, they were speaking with their eyes.

The carriage took off and Elaena’s head hit the back wall. Aemond opened his eye and placed a hand on hers. Jacaerys did not enjoy what he was watching nor was he going to allow it. “Elaena, why weren’t you at dinner last night?” She pulled her hand away and clasped it with her own. “Do you remember how entranced I would get in things I enjoyed? Well I recently started writing and I lost track of time.” A smirk creeped onto Aemond’s face at her lie. She was with him all yesterday avoiding any interactions.

“Ah! I remember you forgetting to eat or bathe for days because you were wrapped up in painting… Do you still paint?” Jacaerys didn't mean any harm but by the sudden twitch of her brow and Baela biting her lip he said something wrong. “Yes… I still do paint sometimes but I no longer forget to bathe.” Jacaerys shook his head, so that was what he said that was wrong. He didn’t mean to be so awkward and occasionally dull he just didn’t think before he spoke. He tried to quickly change the conversation to something.

“Does Urrax still behave like a hound?” Elaena sat up straight and forced a smile.

“Yes, but she is still too sickly to ride.” Baela raised her eyebrows. “It must be hard being a Targaryen and not being able to ride a dragon.” Rhaena seemed to melt into her seat. It wasn’t a jab at her sister but rather the Hightowers. The knife was deep enough in Elaena’s gut she could no longer breathe. “She rides Vhagar all the time. Rhaena is the only one who hasn’t flown.” Aemond finally spoke and his eyes shot daggers into the girl. Everyone turned to look at the prince. The air turned cold and the world stilled.

“The dragon keepers said Urrax is growing at the same pace as Elaena. It’s a sign their connection is very strong.” Daeron chimed in with a smirk. Before the fight that was brewing could break out Elaena decided to speak. “Rhaena you might be able to take an egg from Dreamfyres next clutch! If not, when Urrax grows you can ride with me.” She smiled at the girl. Elaena understood what she was going through and seeing the embarrassment and sadness in her eyes was too much. She decided to reach out to the girl in the best way she knew how. “Thank you, Elaena.”

It was the first time she ever referred to her by her name. She smiled, “The gods will provide for you, just like they do with all their children.” That bit didn’t seem to hit it off like her original statement. It seemed no one else here was faithful. She sunk back into her seat and painfully waited for the journey to end.

Aemond was seething internally and resisting the urge to lunge towards the plain featured boy. Not to mention the little wench seated next to him. He never held a big grudge against the two girls, they were easily forgettable. The eldest sister though had a stench that reeked of jealousy. Elaena was oblivious to it as she was too pure and too kind but he saw it. She wanted the bastard boy all to herself and he would gladly encourage it. Elaena was not to be touched by sin and Jacaerys was the embodiment of it.

Jacaerys hated Aemond Targaryen with his entire being. He threw slanders at him all throughout childhood. He took his cousin's dragon before she ever got a chance to claim it. And he was far too close to his sister. The words that came out of his mouth were laced with envy. He had feelings for his future wife. It was unacceptable by all means, even Baela had taken notice of it. Aemond was the personification of cruelty and Elaena was not to be defiled by such a thing.

Daeron wanted to throw himself out of the window. The awkwardness was unbearable and he kept accidentally brushing his feet against Rhaena’s. It was obvious there were two in this cart who loathed the wedding and it was not the future couple. His sister wouldn’t marry a bastard, she deserved better. But he wasn’t about to start a brawl in a carriage like the other two “men”.

Rhaena hated uncomfortable situations. She hated how she always had to be reminded she had no dragon. Aemond stole her dragon from her, though he paid a great price for it. The loss of his eye is why she forgot about Vhagar and tried to think of other ways. Elaena was just as kind as Jacaerys said she was, though she seemed a little air-headed. Maybe they could be friends and bond over their lack of flying… or maybe not because the tension was too much.

Baela was annoyed most of all. Jacaerys forgot how she never wrote to him, visited, or bothered to remember that they were to wed. She was the same as all the other Hightowers but he refused to accept it. She wished Elaena could just disappear or marry her damn brother already. Jace deserved a better wife than what she could be.

The cart came to a halt and Elaena began to thank the gods. She sprung out of her seat and was the first to rush out the door. Once again, she could finally breathe.

There was a grand procession of nobles and knights, accompanied by musicians and elaborately decorated carriages. The attendees were dressed in brightly-colored clothing, carrying weapons and shields emblazoned with their house banners. The tents were all decorated in the appropriate house colors and tables lined the yard for people to feast.

During royal hunts like these an exciting animal hunt would take place, often involving beasts like stags, boars, and hens. A grand bonfire would be held late at night. If the favored animal was caught someone would bless it and it would be made a main course. The furs or interesting bones would be made into decor… though Elaena didn’t like that.

As for the small festivities for children to partake in there were few. Rock throwing contests and a game of tug o war at best. Mostly, you were forced to listen to gossip from the noble houses and pretend to care.

Elaena walked off in the direction of the royal tent. She did not care about leaving anyone behind, she needed to escape quickly. “Princess, it’s good to meet you.” She stumbled into the young Blackwood boy. He was around her age and had curly black hair and big brown eyes. He was skinny in stature but looked to be fit. “Hi, Benjicot?” He nodded at her. “Yes! but most people just call me Benji.” She smiled, “it’s good to meet you Benji. Have you come all this way by yourself?” He shook his head no, “My father is in the tent waiting for the king’s arrival. Did you come by yourself?”

Elaena looked around and realized her family was either still in the cart choking each other or escaped to nearby areas. “No… I came with my brothers but I think they’ve run off already.” Benji shuffled in his place for a moment. “… if you’d like you can come with me! I was about to go fishing at the river nearby.” She peered around and noticed the Lords had already whisked away her brother. “I’m not sure where my mother is… If I go we have to tell your father in case I get lost.” Benjicot excitedly nodded and took her hand to drag her over to his father… This may be the first friend Elaena had ever made.

Elaena was struggling to keep up her pace with the Blackwood boy. She was rather frail and struggled to do any type of long distance walking, labor, chores… anything physical. The river was quite large and the water was flowing fast. Benji said fast moving water meant bad fishing conditions but it didn’t hurt to try.

“How do we fish?” Elaena asked innocently. “Well I’m gonna tie this line to this hook to this stick then I’m gonna put a worm on it then we toss it in the water and wait.” He had a really thick accent that she struggled to understand sometimes. “I can help.. I sew at home so I can tie things well.” Benji excitedly handed her the stick and string and she began tying.

It was as thin as the ones she used to sew and her little fingers were able to loop it perfectly. The hook was harder to attach since you had to avoid being poked. Benji patted her back on her good work and pulled out a bag of worms. In unison the children went, “gross.” They both giggled at their reactions.

“Now that we’ve done this you just toss it in and wait.” Elaena held the stick up and the line swung near Benjicot’s head. He ducked and backed away. “Sorry!” She spoke in a hurry. “It’s your first time, I stuck my dad in the foot once!” Her laughs filled the quiet forest and she aimed once more. It landed in the water but the stream threatened to carry it away.

Aemond was forced to entertain the Baratheon girls who disgusted him. Elaena had wandered off with a Blackwood boy and had yet to return. He was practically jumping out of his skin waiting to go and find her. It only got worse when he noticed Jacaerys disappear from the tent. Was he going after her? Aemond stood to go and follow but his mother pulled him back. “It’s not your business.” The words beat into his head like a drum. It was completely and utterly his business.

Aegon was having a lovely time drinking and ignoring everything around him. He hadn’t yet realized his sister disappeared or that his sister-wife was casually conversing with Daemon. His eyes flung open when he realized what was happening. He may not love Helaena as a wife but gods be damned if Daemon Targaryen touched her.

Daeron was casually talking to many Lords and Ladies. He was taught that it was not only polite but very good to make connections. He noticed Elaena hadn’t returned in a while but doubted she would ever get into any trouble. Every once in a while he turned to observe Aemond practically bouncing out of his seat waiting for a chance to escape. It was honestly a little pathetic.

Lucerys felt trapped inside the tent with everyone. He knew half of these people thought he was a bastard and hated him. The other half liked him but also knew he was a bastard. It was a terrible situation all around. Jacaerys had just left to go and find Elaena who ran off hours ago. He didn’t dislike her at all but would prefer if Jace just married Baela instead. She was nice to him and there was no strife between their families. He sighed and sunk down into his chair trying to ignore all the stares and weird looks he was receiving.

Baela and Rhaena were both bored out of their minds. As women they were forced to listen to the other ladies gossip their heads off. It was an endless symphony of nonsense that did not matter in the long run. The pair had learned to communicate with their eyes and both were annoyed. The bonfire should be starting soon was all they kept repeating to themselves to get them through the afternoon.

The sun was lower in the sky now and no sign of any fish. However, they had taken up trying to skip rocks. The sounds of crunching leaves from behind caused them both to jump. “Calm down, it’s only me.” Jacaerys stumbled over the rocks and leaves and joined the children.

“Who’s this?” Jace asked whilst staring at Benji. “Benjicot Blackwood, My Prince.” He smiled and shook the boy's hand. “You can call me Jacaerys!” Elaena felt a wave of nerves rush over her. He approached and she nearly ran off again. “Fishing? I never thought you liked outdoors stuff.” His voice was kind and soft. It did well to quell her nerves. “I’m trying it out but we’re not catching anything.”

Jacaerys looked at the water and sighed. “It’s because the current is too strong.” Benji glanced around, “It was the only river near us.” Elaena had been here every year for birthdays or other celebrations. She knew one other stream that could work though they would have to cross the river. “I know of one other. If we walk a little farther ahead there should be a broken tree we can climb across.”

Benjicot perked up and pulled his pole out of the water. “Let’s go then!” Elaena was glad someone was finally listening to her ideas. Jace wasn’t following their movements though. “Aren’t you coming?” She asked.

That was all the initiative Jacaerys needed and he took off after the other two.

The walk to the fallen tree was very peaceful. The trio seemed to get along rather well and even Elaena wasn’t having a hard time talking to Jace. All thoughts of him being a bastard and Aemond’s incident melted away. The trees grew thicker and the grass as little denser as they walked through less charted territory. “Do you think we’ll get in trouble for being out so far?” Elaena turned on her heels and faced the boys. “When my brothers and I come out here no one seems to notice.”

“How do you always manage to go unnoticed? If I leave for a second my mother sends a search party.” That was a very interesting question. The real reason was because no one cared about Elaena or what she was doing. “I never cause trouble so they never get concerned.” She smiled brightly at Jacaerys implying he was a troublemaker. He rolled his eyes and walked closer to her. “I don’t cause trouble either!” Elaena chuckled, “I bet you don’t.”

“Do you guys not have royal guards follow you or is this a rare occasion?” They both turned and thought to themselves. “Well… I don’t have an assigned one so no.” Jace chimed in, “It depends on if I’m with people my mother trusts or not.” That caught her attention extremely quickly. Rhaenyra… trusted her? Is that why he was allowed to come out here? It was probably the most shocking revelation of her life.

“There it is!” Jacaerys shouted and pulled Elaena towards the broken tree faster. She was completely out of breath once they were at the foot of it. She took a look around and noticed the current had picked up here and the log was slightly deteriorated. “How do we get across?” Benjicot asked whilst staring at the old trunk.

“I just walk across… or you can crawl.” Jacaerys got excited and proclaimed, “I’ll go first!” Elaena pulled his arm back. “No! You need to watch me so you know how to do it.” Benjicot nodded his head in agreement. He was examining the wood and it didn’t look as sturdy as she originally claimed. Since she’s done it before maybe she just knew how to walk across it without breaking it.

“What if you fall? You can’t swim.” Jacaerys said with furrowed brows. She groaned, “If I fall the gods want me dead.” He shook his head in shock at what she just said. Elaena smiled and patted his chest. “Just follow after me okay?” The boys nodded in unison.

She climbed onto the tree and struggled to find her footing at first. Her legs were unusually shaky today because of the exercise. Her illness hadn’t completely gone away. She stood up and nodded her head in reassurance. Elaena was slowly inching her way across the trunk. It was hard to keep her balance and it was even harder when the log wouldn’t stop shaking.

Creaaaak

Fear shot up her spine and she froze. It had never made that noise before nor had it felt so loose beneath her.

Creaaaak

“Jaceeee!” Her voice was laced with fear. The log began to move underneath her. “Elaena!” He moved forward towards the log. “Don’t move!” She took a deep breath in and felt tears welling in her eyes. She should have stayed home. She should have never left.

Creaaak

“Jace!” She screamed. “Elaena!”

Snap

Elaena didn’t have a moment to catch her breath before she was engulfed in the freezing water. Her dress was too thick to swim in and she wasn’t strong enough either. The current took her away and sucked the air out of her body. Water began filling her lungs faster than she could push it out.

“Go get my mother!” Jacaerys shouted and before Benji could say anything he dived in. The water was freezing but it wasn’t different from Dragonstone. He pushed his way to the surface and thrashed around looking for her. “Elaena!” The current was taking him towards wherever she was. “Elaena!” He went under for a second time, the water was stronger than he imagined. “Elaena!” Jacaerys frantically shouted looking for any sign of his future wife.

Benjicot Blackwood had never ran faster in his entire life. He had just witnessed two of the nobility fall into a river. To make it worse he thought he was actually making friends for the first time. His little legs began to ache as he neared the camp. Sweat and tears poured down his face and soaked his shirt. He avoided his fathers tent and ran directly towards the royals.

“Help!”

He shouted running into the tent and two guards grabbed him. “Please! It’s the princess! I need to speak to the king!” He spoke through pants.

“Let him through.” Rhaenyra stood out of her seat and waited for whatever the boy was about to say. The tent was filled with The king, the Queen, the hand, the council members, Rhaenyra, Daemon, Lucerys, Baela, Rhaena, Joffrey, Rhaenys, Corlys, Aegon, Aemond, Helaena, and Daeron. The king stood up and motioned the boy over.

Benjicot was speaking through tears. “Elaena! She fell into the river! And I- and I-“ Alicent jumped out of her seat and ran to the boy. “My daughter? What happened to my daughter?!” Benji took a deep breath before letting it all out. “We were at the river and she fell in and the current took her away! Jacaerys jumped in after her and told me to tell his mother!”

Aemond jumped out of his seat and ran off before anything could be said. “Shit!” Daeron stood up and took off after them. Aegon drunkenly got up out of his chair and tried his best to run towards a horse. Everyone knew she couldn’t swim and everyone knew he wasn’t strong enough to out swim a current.

Elaena woke up coughing hysterically. Everything felt cold and her entire body ached. Her eyes fluttered open and closed. She felt a pair of lips on hers and a gust of air enter her lungs. Elaena pushed them off her and rolled onto her side. She continued to cough up mud, blood, water she could not tell.

“Elaena?!” Two large hands cradled her waist and pulled her back to them. It was dark outside and her ears rang with water. A hand gently caressed her face and pulled it towards them. “Elaena!” She forced her eyes fully open and took in her surroundings. Jacaerys was holding her and it was dark outside. “J-Jace,” Her lungs hurt so bad she could barely speak. “Aemond!” She lunged forward and wrapped her arms around him. The sounds of her sobs echoed throughout the forest. Her mind was flooded with the memory of falling. The water whisking her away and her inability to free herself. The feeling of water filling her lungs and sunken rocks and twigs cutting her limbs. She was a scared girl in general, but nothing compared to this.

He combed the back of her hair as she clung to him. Jace swore when he heard she had fallen, his heart left his body. It shattered into a million pieces and his adrenaline took over. The entire way he feared she was dead. He had no time to pray or think, only race down the stream. It was by the grace of gods she was already washed up on the bank.

When he was blowing his breath into her lungs and pressing on her chest he prayed the gods took him instead. It was foolish and impossible but he was desperate. His Elaena was freezing cold to the touch and was littered with little cuts and bruises. It was the worst sight he had ever laid eyes upon.

It was only when she opened her eyes and coughed up water was he able to finally relax. His heart mended itself and his mind almost cooled down. Now she was shaking in his grip and he worried she was going to have a fever.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to- “ He pushed her back and stared into her teary eyes. It would never be her fault. “Don’t be. You can’t control the river.” He cupped her cheek and stared into her watery eyes. “You haven’t done anything wrong.” A different feeling rose in Elaena’s chest. One that she hadn’t felt before. It embraced her heart and its warmth radiated throughout her body. Is this what love feels like? She could not say for sure. She cupped his face with her hands and examined his features closely. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Elaena raised her chin and gently touched his lips with her own. The world around her melted and so did her fears. It was a comfort she didn’t realize she had.

Jace’s soul left his body. His eyes stayed open and stared at her. Was this real? Was this really happening? He noticed her smile falter and her eyes start to open and he regretted taking so long. He pushed her head into his and connected their lips once more. Her lips were soft and molded around his perfectly. He felt his entire body warm in her embrace. Every problem in his life melted away at that moment. His thoughts consisted of two simple sentences….

‘Fuck Aemond Targaryen…’

‘I win’

#jacaerys velaryon #jacaerys targaryen #jacaerys fic #jacaerys x oc #jacaerys fluff #aemond targaryen #aemond fluff #aemond x oc #aemond fic #hotd fic

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interstyx · 4 months

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A Commentary on Kenosis

Like all good ideas, Kenosis came to me in a nightmare. The very night the subtitles for Episode 5 dropped, I went to sleep with the words “let’s reset these memories, one more time” haunting me as I gave spin after spin to the implications. I dreamed up the events of Ch1 a few hours later, a very close match to what ended up written. It was an unforgivingly clear nightmare, yet somehow it was hazy in that way that you can only experience while under a high fever. Must’ve been some real-time hours of swapping between N and V’s perspectives while living through a torturous loop of physical sensations.

Next day (a Sunday), the first thing I do after my morning coffee is hunt for fanart, and I find this piece – one of my absolute favorites (whose source I neglected to save).

The message couldn’t be any clearer. The world was hammering into my head that I had, needed to write this nightmare.

Writing it was torturous. I’ve never done gore before, and I discovered right here that I have an ill tendency to get too much into the role while picturing a character’s perspective; for the first time in my life, my writing physically affected me, and after each session of writing V’s surgery I’d end up hurting in a vaguely similar way. The nocebo effect was insane, really. I’d heard plenty of stories about the insane ways authors connect with their stories (a favorite one of mine is hearing the voices of their characters narrating the events to them, forcing them to stop when the narrator would break down crying), but I didn’t really buy them before. I guess this is my Special Cursed Power Technique unique to me or something.

What’s worse, each passing day the idea would spiral further and further and develop into an actual plot I couldn’t help but feel enthusiastic about. SIGKILL and The Waves appeared in my head either the same day or one day and the very next, and one too many sessions of listening to ətˈæk 0N tάɪtn (that’s an actual song title, and the phonetic spelling of Attack on Titan) gave me the finisher that The Waves demanded, though the events that’d become I Mak Siccar were always much more fuzzy in my head (which I think is easy to tell on reread), then later a Tumblr post by multiversal-pudding (who’s awesome) made me realize I couldn’t end it in such a shit note and handed me the right way to do it on a silver platter. If it weren’t for them, this story wouldn’t be half as good as it is.

I wasn’t sure if the concept had any life in it, so I posted Ch1 with the idea of it being a one-shot. Much to my dismay, it was pretty widely enjoyed, much more than any of my previous work anywhere. Another of the many special signs from the universe I got while writing this was that a friend DM’d me Ch1 on Discord saying “I think you’ll enjoy this one” and only realizing who wrote it when the AO3 embed with my nickname popped up. Really, I was just bound to writing the full thing now.

The way I wrote V from SIGKILL on is heavily modeled off my mom. This is intentional — V’s mood swings and impulses largely come from how she’d treat me earlier in life. Partly by planning, partly by discovery, Kenosis was supposed to be closure for my relationship with her, an attempt to work through the ways she felt when I lived with her, and when I moved with my dad. Their ways of talking are quite similar, too, so that saved me a good bit of dialogue torture — I wrote a good chunk of V’s dialogue just picturing what my mom would say and MDifying it a bit.

But sometime during writing The Waves, I had to draft out an abstracted hallucination of the real events in Ch1. I don’t recall where that bit ended up, it’s something about a hole opening up in V’s torso, and things pulling stuff out of the hole then shoving new, weirder stuff in. It clicked then, a quarter of the way through writing the chapter, that I was drawing imagery from a real event I’d repressed. I recall that the moment it clicked, my stomach wrenched.

This isn’t to imply that the actual events in the fanfic are an allegory or metaphor — fuck no. That’d have some abhorrent implications that I absolutely repudiate. It does mean, however, that I ended up connecting to V a lot more than I'd ever done with my characters (more than I wanted).

Slowly, Kenosis started growing and growing, occupying more and more of my head. There were stretches where I’d procrastinate through days of uni work because I couldn’t put my mind off it until I’d written enough to tire my fingers (not that much, I have little stamina most days). It even started haunting me in the twilight zone between laying in bed and falling asleep, wrenching my gut at times. It was not long before I finished The Waves that it registered that pouring this much of myself into a fanfic series and suffering that much for it was a wonderfully silly predicament to be caught in. The robot goobers really didn’t need to live through my abstracted deliriums of trauma.

I’m still not happy about it. There were much easier, healthier ways to process this trauma, but hey; what’s done is done. I’ll have to live with “projected deep personal trauma onto fanfiction” in my sin record. A year from now I’ll come back to this and laugh at how self-serious and melodramatic I got about these characters, how desperately I wanted to write V a happy ending, but right now I’m also very proud of how much I managed to achieve here.

It was tough, it was personal, it took a lot out of me, and I’ll never forget that month or so where I categorically refused to work on this stupid project until I’d gotten back on track with uni, right after I Mak Siccar, with V at her absolute worst and the end still an entire chapter’s worth of suffering away.

In our journey past trauma, we find ourselves back there over and over, and the things we find strength in can sometimes hurt us too. There’s definitely wrong ways to overcome it, and it leaves us pained and hobbling for a long time — but with time and friends on our side, healing is always at hand. God, that’s such a cheesy way to put it, but this whole thing’s cheesy as shit. I think that’s just the way I am.

I’d like to think I made it through just like V, and this is a recounting of my journey rather than a fantasy of victory. I don’t know yet. I might never. I just really, really want to hug her.

At first I meant for Kenosis to be just a quick test before moving on to larger projects where I could express myself better. Now I doubt I ever will. I’ll miss writing this dearly. I adore Uzi, N and V deeply and I hope I can keep this connection I’ve built to them for a long time.

Enough sulking. Thanks for reading.

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maaxverstappen · 2 days

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I’ve been asking ppl cus im nosy. What’s your writing process like if any? Do u have a preferred place or time. Preferred device. Do u write rough drafts then edit or is it much more considered. How do u decide that an idea is worth fleshing out or pursuing if it looks like it’s plotty. Pls yap at length if u so wish — wiz

i love this question!! and would love to know other answers so if you want to reblog them i shall be on the lookout 👀.

i answered partly here so will just like build on that!!

the process is that i’ll have an idea and depending on how large it is write out some sort of outline. my preference for all planning in life is on paper so i have a little journal that ill write out some ideas in. kind of brainstorm / mind map style of just jotting down random ideas that come to mind.

however, with longer fics like my current post-as-i-go wip i have to do it digital bc so much changes and it’s too long (see pics in previous ask). that one i actually started planning in my notes app on a plane bc the idea had to come out of me someway and i was really excited about it. i then transferred it to a google doc and added onto my chapter per chapter outline (1st pic in previous ask). i felt like that was a bit overwhelming for understanding the overall plot so then i went and made a simple overview of the key plot points per chapter (the 2nd pic in previous ask) just so i felt like i had a better understanding of the goal per chapter.

now when i sit down to write a chapter ill get both the detailed notes and the main plot points and just write whatever i feel like in order to get to the goal of the chapter.

for shorter one shot fics i’ll either have no full outline or a one page idea list kind of thing. for instance, for worth the trouble i knew that it would start and end in the present time and then everything in between would be a flashback, but i didn’t know the flashbacks would be non chronological until i was writing it. same for the chewing gum aspect that ends up being quite an important part of the symbolism and that almost weaves the parts together, that wasn’t a *thing* until i was almost finished with the rough draft and i then went to add it in to previous scenes.

for my long fic i have to be a bit more calculated with the hidden messages/foreshadowing as i can’t go back and edit published chapters lmao so that is a little more thought out + i keep track of loose ends to tie together at some point.

editing is a bit of a harder one. for my long fic my overal editing is per chapter, but i do tend to go back and edit per section too. like right now I’m writing a texting scene and first i wrote the plain texting dialogue, then i went back to add the bits in between from characters’ pov. then i’ll read over it fully and edit where needed. finally when the whole chapter is done ill read over it and edit again, but at that point it’s mainly grammar and punctuation.

my main writing issues i’ve noticed so far is that i tend to switch tenses without realising so that’s something i look out for when editing. i also am always worried they don’t *do* enough so i like to think “hmm what action can i add in here to make them more human” when editing.

so far only worth the trouble has been beta read, the rest i do myself. if I’m stuck i will talk through a lot of it with my partner who will give me some ideas and just like help lmao (she’s also the one that beta read wtt!). but she’s not in the f1 fandom so it’s a little hard to have her beta read for characterisation and specific plot points so i do that myself. like when she beta read wtt she gave a few points of feedback that weren’t too relevant bc the average f1 fic reader would understand (like the significance of spa21, there is no need to explain it).

I’m a baby fic writer so a lot of my process will be redefined and refined as i go I’m sure.

as for deciding what to write, it’s really whatever captures my attention. the prompt for help me hold onto you is one i really liked and a trope i love reading myself. i was also ready to challenge myself to a longer plot fic and i was really excited about the idea so i just went for it! my main consideration is really just how excited i am for it.

i will say that i am currently really struggling with perfectionism / imposter syndrome. I’m having a hard time getting the words onto paper bc it feels like it’ll never be as good as my favourite authors anyway so what’s the point. (which is now also impacting the way i read fics bc it makes me sad that ill never write anything as good as what I’m reading lol)

i generally write on my laptop! in a google doc with grammarly activated and the word count on screen (which pisses me off bc i have to turn it back on after every refresh). i wrote my latest crafty!oscar on my phone (bc i was too excited to wait till i got to my laptop) but wouldn’t ever do that for anything much longer or plot-ier than that.

i fear this has gotten very long. i know u said yap away but …. i perhaps have yapped too close to the sun.

#really liked answering this :-) and the fic writer asks from the weekend too. so fun #she says as she still has unanswered asks from that game in her inbox #anyway #thanks wiz <3 a community gem as always #m answers #about me

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awesomedurraworld · 14 days

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Today was my first time posting fma fics second year anniversary. It saddens me that this year I haven't been able to write as much as I used to- not because of life- but because I can't. My brain can't work with me when it comes to writing.

January was spent on writing a chapter for “ took my kids take my fire.” fic, which took a lot of energy to do since that fic has been draining to write as of late- as much as I love it and it is so dear to me, it has been hard putting out new chapters for it.

When I posted that it was in January the 24th, I started two birthday fics for Ed’s birthday- due to me joining in few completions for the clubs I am in in real life, I wasn't able to write and finish Ed’s fics.

I fell ill after that, on February 12th to be exact my health worsened all of a sudden, and I was admitted to the hospital on February the 15th. Spent 4 days there and I was just so drained when I came back home.

The rest of February, and the whole part of March I wasn't able to think of any ideas, the writer's block was so severe. Reading and writing was a hard thing for me to do. Especially parental fics ( be it parental Roy, Riza, Reigen or Loid) for some unknown reason. Then I tried doing something for Roy’s birthday fic but now it is sitting in my drafts and I only wrote like a couple of lines in it. Around Roy’s birthday I had a fallout with a close friend of mine and that fall out left me super confused and also, drained. Unable to really do anything.

Today tho. I was able to start writing a fic for my anniversary. God, I was able to think of an idea, and start writing it. And actually making paragraphs that made sense! I wasn't able to finish it since today was busy - the good kind of busy - but… I feel like I finally made it!

Point of this post I guess is that hey, I am alive, working on art for some big projects and I am going through some tough things in life and being your busy girl. Fics will come, and they might be less than 2023, but I promise, I will try my best to post some things soon

Just yea, thank you for reading my rambles, hehe, have a good day 🫶🏻❤️ love ya, and trust me, when it feels dark and not ending, it will end and you will be free

#Rambles #vent post

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asterhaze · 8 months

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If you get this, answer w three random facts about yourself and send it to the last seven blogs in your notifs! Anon or not, doesn’t matter, let’s get to know the person behind the blog :)

Thank you for the ask! I have enjoyed talking about myself a little bit lately.

Serious: I also art! Though I haven't posted any of my newer stuff online because my tablet broke and some of my traditional work is stuff I want to eventually draw digitally and hopefully sell. I'm terrified of AI taking away my dream of being a super cool artist writer dream before I even have a chance. So yeah.

Silly Fact: I have a horrible phobia of mascots. It inspired a comic idea that I will probably end up writing about evil mascots that try to take over the world and cause the apocalypse. It's a pretty serious phobia that councilors and therapists have tried to help me with but nothing has worked because I've refused exposure therapy. There are some masks that trigger this phobia, but honestly it's mostly helmets!

Random: I only started writing seriously last October, and the amount of progress I have made this year shocks even myself. This is hard for me, but here is an example of my writing from last October versus something I wrote a few weeks ago.

October:

Glen stood beneath the willow tree in a small graveyard. He stated down at two small graves whose names had been worn away by time. But he knew them well and kept them close to his heart.

"Maria. My love. I miss you dearly, even still to this day." Glen began, going down on one knee to brush his hands across the grass. "I wish I was there with you. Wherever you are and whatever is beyind this life. I wish we could sit beneath our willow tree and I could tell you how much I love you again."

Last week - a longer piece that may or may not make it into a final draft-

“Now your suit really will be ruined. Your socks too.” But I have the money now to buy new clothes. Who cares, Maria, about suits and pants and socks and shoes? Who cares about arranged weddings? Who cares about any of that when you’re dead, dead, dead and I’m here, here, here? I’m still here, here, here… He reached out, brushing his fingertips along the front of the tombstone, weathered smooth by time. Faintly he could see the first letter of her first and last name but the rest was worn away. He traced the letters, very gently, before pulling his hand away and putting it back in his lap. Willow had cried and cried so many times sitting here before Maria’s grave. Mourning her, missing her, wishing desperately that she would come back to him and forgive him for everything and being left with only memories. The tears had dried decades ago, but the longing in his chest and the aching in his soul still remained. Now he just stared, his eyes glossed over, his lips moving without a voice as he spoke in his imaginary world where Maria was fussing at him for this, that, or the other. He knew he was crazy, or ill, or pretending, or at least that whatever he was doing was wrong but it made him feel better. Talking there, remembering things, it made him feel complete despite reminding him otherwise and he wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was that people left him alone at the graveyard, let him spend however long he wanted there, or maybe it was because he was close to her again. Eventually, when a headache was starting to form across his temple, he imagined Maria turning to him and smiling. Still wearing that horrible dress that flattered only her body, sickly yellow. Maria fluffed her skirt, slapping it when she was done, before turning to walk away. Won’t you take me with you this time? Can’t we go together? I’m tired of living without you, Maria. Maria looked over her shoulder, a sad look over her sunshine eyes, as she sighed and turned away. “You’re too good.” And with that, he imagined her walking away and fading from his vision in a great glowing light that blinded him until he closed his eyes so tightly shut he prayed he would never be able to open them again. Anything else he would see would just tarnish it. Tarnish his memory of her, but eventually he did open his eyes, and there was all that was left of her before him. Faded, worn, and nearly falling apart. Here Lies M….M…. Loved Forever.

Tagging: @mthollowell-writes @rainisawriter @doublegoblin @gummybugg @veetvoojagigthemagnificent

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bloustorm · 1 year

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DC- Actor Au

[I'm just going to post what I wrote in this draft totally unedited and all so enjoy the mess, I have some more ideas and stuff so feel free to like ask me (pretty pls)]

Jason dying wasn't actually planned in the show but then Jasons actor got sick (idk cancer?) and they didn't want to recast someone to replace him (as in his role) they had a few ideas as to how to write jason out of the plot but it ended up being a poll (jason's actor wanted the fans to decide) most didn't know it was actually serious it all played out like it did here so he got voted off to die, then through a lot of arguments miscommunication etc it ended up being that gruesome and messy death, maybe the plot line with his mother wasn't supposed to happen idk yet

anyways years later Jasons actor managed to beat his illness and with the help of a lot of physical therapy regained strength and went back into the actor business, it actually took a bit before the agents reached out to him again because they wanted to give him time to get used to acting again and make sure he would be up for the standard, but he had been a very beloved choice and the writers wanted to get him back into play, especially because it meant they could actually bring back the ideas they had to shelf

the fact that jasons actor was back on set got leaked but then the whole thing with clayface happened so most assumed that was it, especially because afterwards the fact that he was still on set was way more guarded and this time it was ensured there would be no leaks again

jason was always meant to grow apart from the family and lean into darker morals and do a lot of soul searching and find his own way, it wasn't meant to be as dramatic as it later turned out more family drama in moderation that the big blow up it was

he was always supposed to come in contact with talia and the league but in a different way (perhaps he and damian should have had a bonding arc? without revealing his relations to bruce at the moment?)

Tim had actually been a detail that was carefully hidden in the background and some fans theorized that he would become important later, originally he was supposed to have an arc with dick and jason that would then bring him into the fold so he could take over Robin when Jason branches out as his own hero (and gets his solo arc/ series that never happened in that way) but with Jason dying it had to be speed up and that's why the way he joined is kind of a lot iffy (he was never meant to be someone who made it his mission to fix batman, batman was never supposed to become that dark)

Maybe Cass had been supposed to be a silent assassin who spoke League Dialect and nothing else? but while casting different actors and stunt doubles for the role the director fell in love with the grace that Cass actor put out on a normal level and decided to hire here, the problem was that she was mute after an accident in the industry injured her horrible 8but undergoing voice therapie maybe?), after a long debate they decided to change cass background a little bit and turn her character completely silent to match and not bother with voice overs but for really little moments (unless we say cass actor gets a little bit better with speaking and uses it)

#blou talks #actor au #blou writes #dc #jason todd #tim drake #cassandra cain #idk what to tag this as so i won't

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annieqattheperipheral · 7 months

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Long post. It's a heartbreaking read from Rodion's father's pov about his son's life. Truly worth the time if you have the emotional space and energy. I've posted a few links as you may want to share in others' thoughts and feelings after reading.

Original interview (Russian site Google translated to English)

Reposted by a reddit user (excerpts + Leafs mentions)

Linked to on Twitter

Interview excerpts transcript (I've edited for clarity) and a few of the photos:

My main motivation for giving an interview, as a father and a witness to everything that happened to my son, is to thank people from the bottom of my heart. Thank you from our family and from Rodion, although he himself can no longer express it in words.

We thank you for the attention and participation that the hockey community, clubs and organizations, and fans have given us. Thanks to the Toronto Maple Leafs, personally to Brendan Shanahan and Kyle Dubas. For the way they accepted Rodion, empathized and participated in his fate.

I was generally removed from financial and organizational issues: “Ruslan, take care of your son, don't even think about it. We will solve everything." The club was always in touch 24/7. Both the doctors and the team management. Dubas, who made the draft choice, was very fond of Rodion. They corresponded a lot, supported each other both before and during the illness. In recent days, Kyle even wanted to fly to Munich - Rodion left on August 14, and Dubas already had a ticket for the 11th.

I told agent Dan Milstein: “Rodion is in such a state, he can't see anymore, he's heavy. Well, is Kyle coming just to raise his weak hand and shake it? They won't even communicate.”

- “Ruslan, he wants to do it. This is his personal desire."

Dubas wrote and called, but my son could no longer see his messages. I was worried and was eager to go to the airport. The doctors stopped him: “There's no need to fly anywhere anymore...”

Toronto has released 100 medals that will be awarded to the most respected people who have made significant contributions to the history of the club and the NHL. So, Shanahan himself came to Rodion at six in the morning, when it became known that the disease had worsened and he needed to fly home from Toronto, and presented him with this medal - the very first of a hundred. Rodion brought this award to Ufa and was very proud of it.

The agent in Russia, Stanislav Romanov, provided great assistance, solving many everyday issues and refusing to take a commission for the contract when he learned about my son's illness. From business people, he and Dan Milstein transformed into caring and loving fathers.

Separately, about Dan Milstein. I said at the funeral when I gave the speech that Dan is with my family for a reason. For everyone, he is a great agent, a professional. His actions speak louder than words. But he is also a man with a huge heart. When Rodion was fine, Dan did a tremendous job. The draft, the agreement with Toronto, advertising contracts with CSM and Bauer - all these pleasant and useful things, uniforms, budgets...

And when Rodion Amirov ended as a hockey player, we came to know Dan Milstein as a father and friend. I told everyone: “For us, this is not an agent, but a member of our family, a close relative.” He flew to Russia two or three times a month just to visit and support our son and bring some things. All everyday issues and treatment were resolved immediately. No questions like: “Why? For what? How much?”

- What do you need? Please.

All accounts were closed. When Rodion's body left from Germany, and a bunch of organizational matters piled up - how to negotiate with the embassy, how to deliver the body, what to do with hanging documents - Dan said: “Ruslan, you are not touching on this topic . I take everything upon myself."

I can't imagine how long he slept. No matter how you call, he is always in touch. After all, my son was brought from Germany at night, three hours before the funeral. The flight was through Turkey, the plane cost a lot of money. But Dan solved a million questions.

* * *

Moscow clinic in Skolkovo - doctors and all the people who took part in Rodion's treatment. We were there from November to July. I would like to thank all the medical staff - who cared, treated, tried to save the child and did everything in their power. The bills were paid alternately by Salavat Yulaev and Toronto.

People in Ufa helped with warmth no less than the Maple Leafs. It touched the soul when the leadership staff of “Salavat Yulaev” visited their son in full force - it was very important and valuable for us.

General Director of Salavat Yulaev Rinat Bashirov was available day and night - at any time when you needed help. Without their help, it would have been very difficult for us to live these two years.

People on both sides of the ocean took a huge part in the fate of our boy. In such a difficult time there were no borders, no politics. There is just a person. And many good people who united around him, supported him, and showed attention. Humanity, help, mutual assistance and unconditional love for a young boy from Ufa who was in trouble. It's so touching when all the contradictions fade into the background. All that remains is the fate of man.

Ordinary fans sent pies, wrote letters, sent pictures, gifts, met him on the street and said kind words. And in Russia, and in North America, and in Europe, when we were treated in Germany. Children and adults wrote how they prayed for Rodion. Humanity, kindness, love, relationships between people - and no disagreements between countries.

I remember how many guys came to our Moscow clinic with whom my son played in the national team, in the club and in the youth team. I didn't even know many of them. Physical training coach Pavel Markidan was a constant participant in these trips. Rodion was either taken to a restaurant or taken to the river bank. “My brothers,” as my son called his friends.

At such moments, it is important to show concern, care, and unconditional love. It is very valuable when you donate a piece of your time and yourself towards a person who is going through this valley of the shadow of death.

And all the brothers who took Rodion and communicated with him gave him a breath of fresh air. And for a few hours my son became just like everyone else. Healthy, beautiful, strong, joyful. Forgetting about the terrible days he spent in the dark.

* * *

Until the last day I talked with Rodion. We were sitting at the dining table in a Munich hospital.

- Son, I'm wondering... Do the blind dream? You've been blind for eight months now. What do you see?

- Dad, I dream.

- What are they like? Who's there? Me and mom? You've probably already forgotten what we look like.

- Dad, I constantly see ice. And there's a match. I play hockey.

- Listen, Rodion, you had another life besides hockey. Nature, sun, forest, friends. You can and should see something different, right?

- I'm always in the game. I see ice. You know, dad, it's probably because I've been playing hockey since childhood and love it very much. When you have love for something in your heart and you really want it, you see it in your dreams.

I am a grown man, I have seen a lot of things in my life. But I learned many things from my son during these two years. Rodion matured a lot during his illness.

Courage, willpower, patience, perseverance. I don't understand where this came from! I always saw him as a teenager - young, immature, not knowing everything in life.

But I'm a father, I have to put my son on his feet and inspire him by personal example. Our family is a believer, and I must teach my son strong faith, which helps in the most difficult situations.

You know, at the age of 10, Rodion wrote on paper in uneven handwriting what he dreamed of.

“To become the best hockey player in the world and glorify God. Win the Olympic Games, Gagarin Cup, Stanley Cup. Glorify God. Become a good person."

Twice - “glorify God.” And in the end, the most important, most important, valuable thing is “to become a good person.”

How deep... My taught son me simple and important things.

And I think: Lord, my God, what would I do in such a situation?

I probably wouldn't have been able to stand it.

The Bible says that God does not give a person more trials than he can withstand. I don't know how embittered I would be, who I would reproach—the doctors, fate, the Almighty, I would throw stones at the sky, cursing everyone...

But this boy showed an example of perseverance. And he taught me to live.

* * *

In general, I was tough on raising my son. I was principled and did not allow praise, avoiding pompous words. In our family, we believed more in principles such as modesty and hard work.

“Dream. Pray. Work hard” is a motto that Rodion knew from childhood.

I asked him: “Son, what are we doing? How are we living?

- Dream. Pray. Work hard.

When our son was six years old, we sent him to hockey. Somewhere 15 km from Ishimbay there is the city of Salavat. An ice arena was built there, and we came to see it.

The first group of hockey players was just being recruited there, and I asked: “Are you going to train?”

I used to go in for sports myself. And all men want their sons to be strong and strong. Rodion watched hockey and liked it. We agreed with the coach and brought the child straight from kindergarten. And they started studying.

In spirit, his son is a gamer. He didn't like to fight or grapple. I wanted to run with the ball and the stick. He was very interested in hockey.

At first everything was difficult. Another city, we traveled constantly by car, life was on schedule. When we started school, the loads became heavier. Not only hockey appeared, but also chess and checkers, volleyball, basketball, and football. Of course, a couple of times a week. But this is how we worked on game thinking.

He also played tennis and practiced swimming with coaches. Acrobatics, gymnastics, figure skating, trampolines, stretching, work on the musculoskeletal system. The preparation was very powerful; we laid a very good functional foundation for Rodion. This helped a lot when we moved to Ufa at the age of 10, and later, when my son started playing for Salavat Yulaev.

By the time he was 17-18 years old, we continued to work on the base, and it gave results. His hockey career developed rapidly. But in our family one postulate remained unshakable - modesty. I said: “No matter what happens in life, son - and you will definitely succeed, I'm sure of it - you must always remain a worthy person with a big, honest and sincere heart.”

My son's favorite toy was a stuffed albatross that his younger sister gave him. An albatross is a bird flying against the wind.

So his sister said: “Rodion, I wish you to always go against difficulties and be a winner, without giving up.”

Difficulties arose, like all young hockey players. But Rodion always followed our motto.

Dream. Pray. Work hard.

Our family had evening prayer hours. My wife and I opened the Bible, I chose one of the chapters, and read it to the children. We analyzed it, I explained the meaning of the phrases. And then we all prayed, thanking the Lord for the past and tomorrow.

I said: “Son, in order to achieve something, you need to dream about it. You need to visualize your desire. Let this be born in your heart. You must want it and be absolutely sure that it will happen in your life. To do this you need to pray. Everything we have - life itself, breath, our talents and abilities, gifts from birth - is a blessing from God.

Pray about what you want in life. And you definitely need to work.”

We talked a lot about this since childhood. Rodion knew this, and it was always in his heart.

* * *

Everyone understands perfectly well what a brain tumor is. To date, there is not a single case in which a person has been cured of this form of cancer. At least I don't know about it.

But Rodion told me: “Dad, we will still defeat the disease. With God's help, we will do what no one has done before.”

And this faith held him until the last day. Not a word of self-pity. There is no question of what will happen next or how everything will turn out.

There is only one absolute and clear confidence that all this can be overcome, and the disease will end.

...As doctors in Canada and Germany told us, Rodion played with the tumor for six months.

Somewhere closer to the New Year, my son went to a training camp in Novogorsk - preparations were underway for the 2021 World Youth Championships in Edmonton. We talked, and Rodion told me:

- Dad, I can't understand. Something happens to me on the ice.

- What's happened?

- I can't catch myself on the ice. I'm shaking. It happens that I lose the puck out of the blue.

He started having problems with coordination. And I attributed this to the fact that my son began to actively grow. He was of late development, he didn't even have stubble. And I said that this is normal, it happens.

But other symptoms also arose. At the World Championships it was enough for three matches. He pulled out the last game of the group stage against the Swedes with all his strength.

And then... “Dad, no matter what shift I have, I'm very tired.”

Rodion ended the season in this state. And you remember those moments. Either he makes an incomprehensible loss, then he goes to take a penalty, and the puck comes off the hook, or crashes into the goal from scratch. Rodion flies into the frame and sits, not understanding what happened to him.

I didn't recognize my son on the ice. He was always composed, with good coordination and a clear sense of the puck, movement and skating. Everything we've been working on since we were six years old. And suddenly it was gone.

Already before the next season, in one of the test matches, the son was hurt on the side. He just crashed when no one was stopping him, hitting his shoulder and head. Couldn't even dodge the heavy collision.

“Rodion, what's the matter?”

- “Dad, I couldn't pull myself together.”

* * *

The pressure jumped periodically. We did an MRI. But if there is a suspicion of a tumor, a tomography with contrast liquid is needed.

A month after the injury, we had an MRI in Ufa. Some doubts were attributed to the consequences of a concussion. Then my son recovered, played, traveled with the team. But after each shift he said: “I can't, I don't have the strength.”

Closer to November 2021, we flew to Germany. We went to a good professor and did an MRI with contrast. And then he told us for the first time: “Guys, you have a tumor. Moreover, I think you've had it for a long time. Do you agree to a biopsy?"

Rodion did not agree, and I was afraid. Because there were risks. When a robot gets into your head and takes a piece of tissue right from the center of your brain, then anything is possible - a blood vessel bursts, a stroke, and you die on the table. You can make a person deaf, blind, paralyzed. No one gives guarantees, and you need to write papers that you agree to such responsibility.

And the doctor was amazed that in the picture he saw a suspicion of cancer, but did not see a sick person in front of him. After all, Rodion played hockey, his legs and arms worked, and everything was fine with the tests, except for the MRI.

Therefore, the professor did not insist on a biopsy. We decided to take a break for a month and take a look. The doctor said that if it is malignant oncology, then it will definitely give symptoms.

We flew home, the New Year was approaching. And in the last matches Rodion already began to have problems with his vision. He lost the puck and couldn't find his way on the ice. Such moments could no longer be ignored.

We called Germany and arrived in January. We went for a biopsy, and we were diagnosed with a malignant tumor in the fourth stage.

Foreign doctors are simple, they don't hide anything. They sit a person, their parents, in front of them and tell them about their fatal diagnosis.

All this was said in front of my son. And I was amazed: he was absolutely calm.

Rodion, do you understand what the point is?

- Yes, dad, I understand. Don't worry, everything will pass.

Can you imagine?! A person is diagnosed with brain cancer. A diffuse tumor, that is, without borders, is inoperable. That's it, the verdict.

But this guy is sitting in front of me: “Listen, dad, let's go. I need to train."

I couldn't understand - either all hockey players are such ignorant, or this is incredible self-control.

I was shocked. I cried. I cried and cried out to the Lord: “My God, why? What have I done wrong in my life?

I didn't show such emotions in front of Rodion. With his family he was confident and calm. But this guy amazed me from the very days when he learned about the diagnosis.

“Dad, let's quickly do a biopsy,”

“let's quickly finish this topic,”

“let them prescribe treatment, but we have a season and the playoffs are coming soon.”

* * *

When he was undergoing radiation and chemotherapy in Germany, my son persuaded me to talk to Dan. He reached an agreement with Toronto, they immediately paid for the ice arena and gym. Rodion skated three times a week, ran small cross-country races, and worked out in the gym.

At the same time, he received radiation therapy. If anyone knows what it is - when they burn out your brains, and everything melts there, your hair falls out.

But after the most difficult chemotherapy, he took two or three days to recover and began training again. “I have to get ready, get into gear, we have playoffs.”

This was the potential of the body! I was very worried about the treatment. But at the same time he spoke with the professor who was guiding him. He said: “If he has such a desire and thirst for life, and the functionality allows him to do this, then let him study. It is clear that without fanaticism. But there's no need to stop him.”

Well, Rodion had already found an amateur team in Germany and wanted to play in it. I couldn't believe my eyes.

He began to train more actively, even gaining weight. It seemed that he was feeling better. His condition looked good. We have already been treated in Moscow and even held a consultation via video link, where there were German and Canadian doctors. After the meeting, they approved the flight overseas.

We talked a lot about this at the family council: is it worth going to Canada? After all, it's a flight, a foreign country... But in Russia everything is nearby, and you can quickly resolve any issue.

But Rodion lived a dream. He comes up to me: “Dad, I had a dream.”

He is generally so interesting, he constantly had dreams.

“And I dreamed that I was in Toronto.”

- Son, you will be there one day, for sure. Now we'll finish chemo, you'll skate for a season, and then you'll go to the NHL under your contract...

- No, listen. In this dream, I am already sitting in the locker room with Matthews, Tavares, Samsonov... All the guys from the Maple Leafs. I'm wearing a light Russian national team jacket. We just practiced. Now we sit together and talk.

Forgot this topic. A medical consultation was held. And my son makes the decision: “I will fly. I want it, dad. I should be there."

We talked with Dan and the Toronto doctors. During the preseason, the Maple Leafs had the time and opportunity to work with Rodion individually.

In the end, we decided to combine good with good. And so that he could take his mind off things by going to Canada to pursue his dream and work on the ice.

The plan was that Rodion would stay there for two or three months, and fly back closer to the New Year in good physical condition. And if he is allowed, he will play on the team.

* * *

But on the third week of training, after one of the exercises, Rodion says: “Dad, I sprained my leg.”

I encouraged him. Massage therapists started working with my son, but his leg got worse and worse. He couldn't do anything during training; he was terribly tired.

I asked questions over the phone, but Rodion never complained. This was my big mistake as a father. But how do you know that your son is really unwell? Only when he collapses on the ice? After all, he was eager to train all the time! And he hushed up the problems, making them a secret. He worked and was silent, clinging to his dream.

In those days, Toronto decided to watch Rodion on the ice. There was even a thought that he could play in the preseason game versus Ottawa. They wanted to give him this opportunity. At least one or two shifts, as long as he can handle it.

Kyle Dubas and the entire club management arrived. We looked at our son... But I don't see what's there in Canada, I don't know. Well, my leg hurts, I pulled it. But he did not talk about his general condition. And it's not clear what's going on in his head until you do the examination again.

And they did it, they hired the best oncologist professor. There was a huge queue to see this neurosurgeon, but the Maple Leafs management took everything upon themselves. An MRI was performed, and Dan called me via video call the same day. Rodion is sitting, Canadian professors. And they translate to me what the doctors are telling me.

“This is the situation,” they say. - Take your son. There's no way to even treat it anymore. We won't keep him. At such a moment he should be with his family. He has three, maximum six months left. And even if it's six, it will be a miracle. We don't give that much.

...I remember that after those words I just fell. Just yesterday the guy showed hope and was training. He had some pain, but they thought about letting him out for the NHL game. And here it is. I was cut...

Then my son takes the phone: “Dad, don't worry. Don't tell mom yet. Everything will be fine."

And he began to calm me down! His voice didn't even waver from the doctors' words.

“Rodion, how interesting you are. Do you have no fear at all?”

“I just believe that everything will be fine. And I don’t even allow the thought of something tragic and terrible.”

Dan picks him up and brings him to Moscow. He should have received radiation treatment immediately a second time. All the equipment is in Skolkovo, and the staff is great.

When Rodion arrived, he could no longer see well. Cancer cells have gotten very close to the eye center. The optic nerves were affected, and the tumor reached there too. Metastases have descended to the spine. That's why my son's leg almost gave out in Toronto. And when they started doing radiation therapy, after a week his vision completely disappeared. And since the end of November he no longer saw anything - neither day nor night.

At the same time, Rodion, when he more or less came to his feelings, began going to the cinema a couple of times a week. His little sister or boys went to see with him.

- Son, are you going to the cinema again? For what?

- I'll sit and watch. I want to live like a healthy person. And this will definitely happen. Today I go to the cinema and I don't see. But tomorrow I'll go to the cinema and I'll see.

...He lived the dream, as we agreed with him, visualizing reality. He lived like a normal person who wants to be healthy. As long as there is at least the slightest hope.

What is faith? It is the expectation of what is promised and the confidence of the unseen. My son taught me hope, patience and faith with all his life and actions.

Between chemistry courses, Rodion, in a rented Moscow apartment, when he came from the hospital, did certain exercises, did push-ups, squats, pumped up.

He tried to live.

But it was extremely difficult. Every month he got worse. Not only did the man not see at all, his legs and arms began to weaken. But the goodness of God is that with a tumor, when many functions of the body are knocked out, this began to happen to my son only in the last days - before going to the hospital in Munich.

He walked himself, retained absolute diction, clear speech, clarity of thinking. The Lord preserved the ability for him to think, make decisions, realize what is happening, be in touch with us - and not turn into a vegetable.

Yes, the body was weakening, we were already lifting it up and down, rolling it around in a wheelchair. There in Germany it became very bad, and he could no longer turn over in bed, his legs and arms gave out, his condition was extremely serious.

But at the same time, always: “Son, how are you?”

- “Dad, everything is fine.”

We haven't been apart in recent days. Rodion ended up in intensive care. The clinic made an exception, and the doctors allowed my wife and I to stay in the room.

We sat next to each other and didn't leave. We talked with him, although my son could no longer speak and was breathing through an oxygen mask...

* * *

On September 11 in Ufa, before the match with Metallurg, Rodion's jersey with number 27 will be raised.

We were still in Germany when Rinat Bashirov called. He said that “Salavat Yulaev” was establishing a youth pre-season tournament in memory of Amirov, and the sweater would be raised under the arches of the arena.

I have always taught my son modesty. But when I heard it, it alarmed me: “Rinat Rashitovich, maybe these are emotions? We are all united around this grief, and everyone wants to do something. But maybe it's not worth it?"

I was against it. Just imagine - a young guy. Yes, he achieved something for a young person. He was talented and showed promise. And I told him then: “Rodion, your journey is just beginning.” We haven’t even jumped to a cloud yet, let alone a star.”

And now his number will hang among the legends who devoted decades to the Ufa club, went to the World Championships and Olympics, won gold and cups.

Not a single name raises any questions. And then suddenly among them was a young boy. Years will pass, tears will dry, emotions will subside. And someone will say: “Listen, who is Amirov? What did he do for Russian and Bashkir hockey? What is his merit?"

I really didn't want my son to be associated with such a question. Let the good name remain, everything will be on the sly.

But I was told that the captain of Salavat Yulaev, Grigory Panin, came to the club's management and, on behalf of the team, asked that Rodion's number be raised. And the management itself wants this. And this is what ordinary fans want. And for them, my son is not just a young hockey player, but a symbol of people's struggle against a terrible disease, for which no cure has been found.

A lot of people want this. And how can we be against it? We are grateful to everyone. To everyone who wrote letters, worried in their souls and helped our boy.

A very important point that we told the management of Salavat Yulaev: we gave permission to use number 27 if someone on the team wants to play under it. Even if the sweater is raised under the arches of the palace. But we do not call for the number to be taken out of circulation.

...Rodion often said: “By my example, fight for life and confidence, I want to give hope to everyone who is fighting against cancer.”

You can't give up. We must move on with our lives. And be grateful for every day.

The parables say that children are a gift from God. We are grateful to the Lord for these 21 years and for every moment that we lived with our son.

And when Rodion, at the age of 10, wrote on a piece of paper that he wanted to become a good person...

He must have accomplished something if so many people remember him now in their hearts, sharing our pain.

#rodion amirov #toronto maple leafs #kyle dubas #brendan shanahan #tw cancer #cancer #tw death #dan milstein #salavat yulaev #hayley wickenheiser

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psalm22-6 · 2 years

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The Duties of Good Frenchmen

Please someone help me fill in the gaps here, what is the letter that Victor Hugo wrote to la France that made some people so mad? From what I can tell le Constitutionnel a “major government newspaper of the second empire” so it makes sense that they would be hostile to Hugo and in fact one of the writers that they cite, Vitu, later wrote a scathing review (which I made a three part post about) of Charles Hugo’s stage adaptation. And if you don’t already know, le Charivari is a satirical paper, hence why this article is hilarious. Well this article isn’t directly les mis related, it’s from october 1862 so not long at all after les mis was published.

Le Charivari

It has not been forgotten that Victor Hugo addressed a few words of simple politeness to the writes at the newspaper la France, concerning the report of the dinner in Brussels.

In writing that letter, Victor Hugo was no doubt aware of the storm he would create in a certain part of the press. A long and strong polemic played out over this letter between la France and le Constitutionnel, two newspaper made to love one another. For some time now we have become used to le Constitutionnel; nothing surprises us anymore. M. Paulin Limayrac has the privilege of authoring those articles which treat with superb disdain anyone who doesn’t share his opinions.

M. Vitu, a sensible writer, let himself be carried along this slope in his enthusiasm. At all costs and at every turn, he has scolded any newspaper audacious enough to publish Victor Hugo’s letter. “That the European demagoguery may look upon its leader.”

On the course which le Constitutionnel is currently travelling, we don’t know when it will stop. It is said the little M. Limayrac is working this minute in the silence of the cabinet on a a sixth code devoted exclusively to the offenses that could be ascribed with regard to Victor Hugo. Thanks to an indiscretion, we are today able to publish the new draft penal code of the political director of e Constitutionnel:

1st Article — It is the right of all good Frenchman to never pronounce the name “Victor Hugo.” 2nd Article — The newspaper which publishes a letter from Victor Hugo will be abolished.

3rd Article — M. Pagnerre, the French publisher of Les Misérables, will be placed under high police surveillance.

4th Article — The man who purchases on the street a photograph of Victor Hugo will be declared a traitor.

5th Article — All self respecting newspapers will only print the name “Victor Hugo” in order to speak ill of him.

6th Article — All people to whom Victor Hugo addresses a letter will be made to burn the autograph in a public place.

7th Article — Any man who is so polite as to respond to such a letter will be immediately put before the high court of justice.

8th Article — It is expressly forbidden to separate the writer from the political figure.

9th Article — Any individual who finds that Victor Hugo is a genius will be condemned to a year in prison

10th Article — The writer who exchanges calling cards with Victor Hugo will be deprived all all civic rights.

11th Article — Be warry of all demagogues who read Notre-Dame de Paris.

12th Article — It is forbidden for amateur speakers of the French language to read les Chants du Crepuscule.

13th Article — All good Frenchmen will voluntarily deprive himself of these demoralizing readings.

14th Article — One must prove that one is a good citizen! 1. By reading the articles of M. Paulin Limayrac 2. Idem. the articles of Grenier 3. Idem. the articles of Vitu

15th Article — The man who is senseless enough to write a letter to Victor Hugo will have his left hand cut off at the place de Grève.

16th Article — It is forbidden to greet Victor Hugo’s relatives.

17th Article — The newspaper la Presse will be abolished for having published Charles Hugo’s novel.

18th Article — the Ambigu theater will be closed for having put on M. Paul Meurice’s play.

[there is no 19th article]

20th Article— All of France has the right to admire M. Paulin Limayrac. That’s the funny part of the affair. But there is also a serious side, too serious for us to stay silent: I am speaking of the literary terror that le Constitutionnel seems to want to establish in France.

What would a foreigner say in reading these incredible articles in a newspaper that passes, correctly or not, as having inspiration? The foreigner would rightly ask himself what is happing to French politeness, by forbidding a newspaper from publishing the letter of a political adversary.

Additionally he would ask himself if this is truly the place of political reconciliation that the unofficial newspapers speak so much about, only to put to the pillory the pages of a genius who brings honor to the language of his country.

He would also say to himself, if the duties of a good citizen, in the manner of M. Paulin Limayrac, consists of sacrificing to one's personal grudges the elements of politeness, propriety and respect for talent, this duty would become painful for honest people.

#les miserables #victor hugo #my translation #contemporary reaction

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qlala · 1 year

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Hi, Q! As a big fan of your writing, I'm really curious about your nanowrimo process. Like in terms of what keeps you motivated/validated? Did you set some goal for yourself beforehand that you're trying to achieve (aside from the daily word count)?

I've tried it twice, the first time I was actually posting every day what I wrote the previous night. It wasn't my greatest work by any stretch of the imagination, but at least the process itself was fun, validating and interactive. I've enjoyed it a whole lot. And then the next year I decided that I would spend some actual time and thought on finessing what I wrote, instead of half-assedly editing it during my lunch break, and then I would post the whole thing after the fact. Well, guess what, this fic has never been finished, its 40000 words skeleton is buried in my drafts forever. I cannot even look at it, it makes me physically ill.

I really wanted to try again this year but there seems to be a mental block in my head I cannot break through. What keeps you going? Do you have a self-validation tip for this process that you could share?

first, let me let you in on a secret:

I have been trying to write this fic. for five years. and three NaNoWriMos jsldkjslkj

So I am not necessarily THE best person to give advice about staying motivated with writing projects. But I can say a few things that have been making this year work really, really well for me as opposed to previous years! And this answer got pretty long, but if even one part of it helps, I’ll consider it a success!

So the short answer: 1) making a detailed outline, 2) not editing in November, and 3) a healthy dose of external motivation. The longer answer:

Detailed Outline

If I’ve already lost you, please come back. I promise I hate outlines. I didn’t have an outline for this fic for five years. The outline was a hail mary throw, at least half motivated by panic that the show was going to end and no one would care about the fic by the time I posted it, and I did not expect it to work. But it changed absolutely everything about the writing process for me.

I didn’t realize until after I made myself stop typing scenes and start just figuring out the major beats in a notebook that up until then, what I’d been calling “writing” had actually been two things at once: writing, and planning.

By figuring out the major plot beats, then making a scene-by-scene outline, I got to do all the planning ahead of time. I know which plot points I need to foreshadow and when; I know what’s going to coax the characters two steps forward, and what’s going to send them one step back; I know exactly what the antagonist’s next move is and when they’re going to make it.

I thought I would miss that, and that I’d have no motivation to write once I knew everything that happened, but it turned out to be the opposite. Because by doing the planning ahead of time, I don’t have to multitask anymore, and I have so much more mental space to create. It’s like having all your paints mixed and your canvas primed before you even pick up a brush. You can just focus on the art.

I love being able to pick any scene off my list, in any order, and just let myself have fun writing it. The extra time I have that I’d previously used for utilitarian things like “how does this lead into the next scene” can now be used for fun things like “how can I set this scene up to call back to something that happened the show?”

2. Stop editing

Because actually I lied, before. What I used to do, and what it sounds like you did, wasn’t just two things at once: it was three. Writing, planning, and editing.

You know that little chant from Dune, where they’re like, “I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer”? That’s editing. Editing is the mind killer. By editing as you write, you’re like, reverse-validating yourself. You’re taking yourself out of the creative process to look for everything wrong with your writing and your story.

It’s also a time suck, and NaNoWriMo is a sprint. Editing is what December is for. When you free yourself from both planning and editing—by planning before, and editing after—writing will feel a lot more internally rewarding. You’re just making. You can get it nice for other people to look at, later. The first draft is for you, and specifically the part of you that loves your story. Don’t let the rest of you nitpick it apart yet.

3. External motivation

Here's the other thing: if I don’t update my word count on the NaNoWriMo website every day and keep my streak going, I will stop writing this fic. I wish I were joking.

Even with everything I just said, I need external motivators to actually get me to set a daily hard deadline of midnight to make myself carve time out of the day to write, and write fast. Missing a day last year and losing my streak was the nail in the coffin for that attempt (which had already been dying a slow, painful death, because I’d had no outline, and every day I was just adding another 1.6k of filler into the front half of act 2).

So I recommend using NaNo's website to keep a running word count and streak going, even better if you have add some buddies on there who will at least in theory be seeing whether you update every day or not. (You can add me, if you want! My username is fatherofthebride.)

I also definitely, definitely couldn’t be doing this without two great friends and beta readers, who endure some truly novel-length rants via text as I either talk through problem areas with them or send them excited recaps of a scene I just wrote and am really excited about.

If external validation works for you, but daily posting of the new writing doesn’t, I really recommend grabbing someone to chat to about how the fic is going and share snippets with, and/or posting about how it’s going/posting teaser snippets of the WIP.

And that's the end of the numbered list! I hope there's something at least a little helpful somewhere in here and I also really hope I actually answered your question <3

#also if you want specific recs i like jami gold's romance beat sheet for outlining and scrivener for writing software #scrivener's price & learning curve are ungodly but using google docs for nano last year made me want to throw my laptop into the ocean. so.#nano prep 22

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cloverpeaches · 2 years

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Fic authors self-rec! ✨ When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you’ve written, then pass on to at least five other writers (if you would like to)!

Thank you @joshriku for tagging me 😳 I hope that you do not mind me posting on this blog instead of main.

I have like the opposite problem as you bc I don't have a lot of fics posted AHAHAHA.

Learn to Love you: 🥺 this is my current wip so its my fav by default. writing this has been a really emotional experience for me bc it has increasingly become a tool of self reflection (derogatory). It also gives me an opportunity to explore a character I love sm doing like. truly awful and immoral things (affectionate). i LITERALLY think about Childe constantly so it writes itself.

Dawn After Twilight: ok listen i only have one chapter of this posted rn, and I'm sure I'll come back to it eventually. BUT this is the midlink fic I always wanted to write. when I was in middle school I wrote a 25k word fic about midna and link reuniting after the game, but I never finished. I've always wanted to finish the story, so this is my attempt to do so. this fic is also why i started writing again in general outside of rp.

...Do Me a Favor: DONT LOOK AT ME this is just shameless ooc pwp I made because I love diluc and dream about him all the time. this fic isn't rlly good at all, but it's important to me bc I was able to let go of my pride and stopped being self critical (at least for the duration of time it took for me to post lol). maybe ill make a part 2 once I get better at writing spicy stuff.

i only have 3 fics posted on ao3 so I'm gonna talk about things I've written that I didn't post anywhere

How Unbecoming of a Knight: a reader/kaeya fic that isn't posted anywhere (yet) because it is simply too filthy and I'm ashamed lol. i also wrote it while I was still familiarizing myself with genshin 'lore' and the characters, so I would want to do some work on the characterization before I post too. it's over 10k words though..... it would be a shame to leave it in my drafts AHAHA. my love letter to kaeya and wine.

untitled hinata/komaeda fic: i wrote a fic while i was on the psych ward a few years ago about hinata supporting komaeda while he gets some fucking help. i wrote it on scrap paper with a crayon, and I shared it with the other ladies on the ward. they were very supportive lol. maybe one day I will rewrite it and share.

@bigrxputxtion @scarlet-curls 🥺hi guyz you can do this if you want but no pressure ok thx. also tagging anyone who reads this and wants to do it. I'm srs say I tagged you AHAHAHA (jk 1/2)

#tag game

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eremji · 17 days

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Fic Questions Meme

How do you come up with the titles for your fics?

Is there anything worse than writing a title? Can I interest you in an action scene instead?

2. Any of your stories inspired by personal experience?

cw: abuse (and the fic itself addresses pretty dark shit)

each lovely phrase (E) - Outlast - Eddie Gluskin/Waylon Park.

This is a weird vehicle for it, but this was written in part after my experience losing my abusive father to terminal illnesses without receiving any kind of resolution to my grief and anger. My situation was nowhere near as severe as the POV character's – my experience was entirely verbal/psychological mistreatment – and the fic wasn't intended to be a mirror of reality, but the rage and grief I felt definitely informed the POV character's pretty heavily.

3. What character do you identify with most?

I didn't have an answer to questions like this for a long time, but Kim Wexler from Better Call Saul is probably the closest I've ever come to wholly seeing myself in a character. She's a small town escapee with big ambitions, where her choices early in her life led her to some toxic and morally grey situations. There are innate tensions between competing goals – her desire to do something genuinely good, her desire to make all her work worthwhile by being intensely career oriented, and her desire to get one over on the people who have made her life harder – that really resonate with my early adult experience.

4. If you wrote a sequel to any of your published fics, what would it be about?

I'm satisfied with all of the currently published fics as they stand, actually; if I felt like something warranted a sequel or epilogue I generally wrote it directly after the first thing and posted it.

5. How would you describe your style?

I don't actually know how to answer this; I lack the technical vocabulary to define it. I'm sure someone has an answer, looking at my fic externally, but all I try to do is climb as far into a character's head as possible. Sometimes canon makes this easier; sometimes a film, a tv show, or a piece of written fiction has a very distinct voice to it, either in diction or visually, so its easy to match. Otherwise, I tend to do some exploratory writing from a character's POV to see if I can hit on something that makes me feel good.

6. Do you have a guilty pleasure in fic (reading or writing)?

I don't actually believe in guilty pleasures when reading/writing, because its fiction! It isn't real! I'm unabashedly a monsterlover, robot fucker, dubious consent supporter, villain/hero shipper, and a whole mess of other things.

7. What's the angstiest idea you've ever come up with?

I have a half-written fic rotting in my drafts folder where one of the main characters is dead from the start (they eventually get better, see my addendum to MCD fics in question 16 later on) and the whole thing is just a wild ride through grief and love, and not in any fandom or for any pairing you'd probably expect looking at either my reading or writing history.

8. What's the weirdest AU you've ever come up with?

I desperately wanted to write the Dinotopia!AU for SteveBucky where Bucky was a Skybax rider and Steve was a scholar but I couldn't figure out a good plot for the premise.

9. Got any premises on the back burner that you'd care to share?

I have an Inception fic due for a rewrite that was started based off a bunch of dreams I'd actually had, but the plot has changed (it actually has one instead of being a series of set pieces) so I need to restructure it.

10. Is there a fic you wish someone else would write (or finish) for you?

I have a few pages of a ST (AOS) WIP that's dom!Spock/mouthy sub!Kirk that explores D/s dynamics in the vein of Spock's enjoyment of having control (after feeling out of control compared to other Vulcans) and Kirk's unresolved issues with authority. Oh – and the entirety of the AOS plot after Kirk's disciplinary hearing doesn't happen, they're still at the Academy, and instead of punting Kirk they assign him to Spock under probation and Spock is actively one of Kirk's professors.

11. How do you begin a story--with the plot, or the characters?

Characters, by asking if there's any story there I'd want to tell for them in the first place. Sometimes that doesn't come along right away, but usually I can cook up a premise. Then it's seeing if I like it enough that I can get a plot up and running.

12. Are you what George R. R. Martin would call an "architect" or a "gardener"? (How much do you plan in advance, versus letting the story unfold as you go?)

Bigtime gardener. Sometimes I plant things that don't ever grow or need to be heavily pruned, but largely I don't write in order OR plot in order. Sometimes I write two scenes on opposite sides of the fic one right after another and use the results of the later scene to fill in the middle.

13. Are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence?

Robert E. Howard is unquestionably at the top, outstripping any competition by miles.

14. Any fandom tropes you can't resist?

I will make at least a cursory attempt to read any fuck or die fic no matter how much I dislike the writing style. That link will never be unclicked.

15. Any fandom tropes you can't stand?

SO many. I'm one of the pickier readers and both my kudos and bookmarks reflect it. Most in the form of AUs (coffee shop, college, domestic, etc.) are a hard pass for me, but it genuinely varies from fandom to fandom and even ship to ship within the same fandom. If I don't like something generally (i.e. omegaverse) there's almost always at least one very well-written exception to that somewhere.

16. Major character death--do you ever write/read it?

I've only read a handful of 'real' MCD fics. If the canon conceit is that death is actually temporary, I'll go in as long as the condition is guaranteed to be reversed in some way (rebirth, resurrection, reincarnation) for a happy ending. I have a couple sitting in the background that I hope I could turn into something really wrenching (with revival and happy endings!).

#erem writes #this has been sitting in my drafts folder for so long I have no idea if someone tagged me in it #long post

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theninjasanctuary · 4 months

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I'm still getting Tumblr glitches, as in, the end-of-year post I saved in drafts is nowhere to be found in the browser version, which is where I wrote and saved it, but is there on the app. Ehh.

Well, this one did not feel like a year where anything significant happened. Which I suppose is a way of saying I've had a decent enough year? As in, the world continues to burn, but I don't recall anything officially bad happening to me, despite all the whining and strong language I did in my posts. Nobody died, I'm gainfully employed and mostly bamboozling people that I can keep up. Looking at what I wrote to summarize the previous year, this one's been a breeze. Even though when I re-read what I've been posting this year - and I don't actually remember half of it -, it seems at least in the winter and spring, I wasn't having a great time between sleep deprivation, money woes and raising a sweet, but messy and needy cat; and from the summer onwards have not updated much at all, always complaining about stress. Well, for one thing, it is obvious I should reduce time spent on Reddit so there's more of it for everything else...

In no particular order: this was surely a better year from the health perspective. The last time I was ill was an annoying cold in early-to-mid February, where I actually needed antibiotics again because I tested positive for lung chlamydia, and have been generally just fine ever since, a welcome break after all the ailments 2022 threw at me. The achy wrist is still there and annoying, but I'm hoping it is fixable with the new treatment plan. And the toe I stubbed really bad in early September is still not a pretty sight, but in early December I finally started seeing a healthy pink regrowth emerge from under the cuticle, so the purple bruised part might finally be gone by, idk, April?

Could have used more exercise, as always, but I kept up with massage therapy and tried to keep up with physio appointments at least (there were some unintended breaks). And I've made some improvements about keeping my cholesterol level in check, and feel good about the new GP.

The cat is indeed no longer a kitten, but has grown into a fine adult, he's 1,5 years old now, weighs close to 6 kilos and is a pretty, floofy, bright boy with a friendly, curious personality. It has been expensive (getting all.the.things from zero, plus medical costs, plus food), and takes up loads of time, he nearly always delays bedtime so I lose sleep, and I've had to wash all the rugs, even replacing one with one that's easier to clean, because he either puked on them (his tummy is a bit sensitive apparently), or used the texture to scoot dingleberries off his floofy butt. Ehh. I'm now a lot less squeamish about cat poop, and since we are trying to keep his butt hair at least somewhat trimmed (despite resistance), there are fewer accidents, and he's learned to tolerate the occasional butt showers without clawing.

He's also grown less bitey when playing, and is still positive and confident, not holding any grudges. His favourite treat is freshly boiled egg (quail or chicken will both do, and he likes his portion slightly warm). He does not enjoy getting brushed all that much, but we keep a Furminator handy for quick swipes, because otherwise every damn thing is covered with cat hair, and the floors develop hefty, dark grey dust bunnies. Beyond demanding before-bedtime treats and play, he mostly lets us sleep without interrupting, as he's not particularly food-motivated, just gets impatient waiting for his morning cuddles sometimes. He only slept in our bed for a few weeks as a baby, initially between our pillows, then moved towards the end of the bed, but then decided he needs more space, and now sleeps where he feels like - sometimes on a chair in our room, sometimes under the bed, sometimes in whichever comfy spot elsewhere he prefers that night. I sometimes wish he was more of a snuggler, tbh, since he's so nice and soft with big plushie vibes. He does come asking that I pick him up for a cuddle and purr session when I get out of bed, or come home from wherever I've been, or sometimes before bedtime as well, and occasionally he'll have a cuddly kind of mood all day long, but overall, he's not a lap cat. Still, I lift and carry him around often enough that it might be contributing to my wrist issues. (Typical De Quervain's syndrome sufferers are mothers with young children.)

Work-wise, I've been feeling like a failure all year, despite actually getting at least some things done by winging it, and I feel I've been growing and learning with the new tasks I've had. Even so though, there's loads of guilt and stress, and I've often struggled with an irrational urge to avoid looking at my emails. It's not even that the workload is that much, it all boils down to my inability to focus. And I still haven't gotten any professional help with that, because my ability to go looking is limited (because I'm busy either stressing about work or procrastinating). And I still haven't seen an optometrist either, despite it being on the to-do-list since spring.

Can't say I've kept up on the home front that great either. My cleaning standards are slipping, particularly when it comes to dusting. There are just way too many things. And the inability to focus bleeds over to chores, things take way too long to get done or are delayed endlessly. I wish I could fix this. OTL

I keep procrastinating by browsing second-hand stores a lot. Made a switch to Sellpy as the first choice this year, since Momox changed their pricing policy and now Sellpy has the better deals as well as cheaper and easier shipping/returns, despite never having discount codes like Momox does. As for the score of items purchased, there were wins and losses, I did manage to get a few stellar items I wear a lot, but also returned lots of complete duds, either things that unfortunately didn't fit, or things I should not have expected to work in the first place, I guess. And I certainly kept a few items I don't use as much... if ever, as remains to be seen.

I see it would be better to tone this habit down to save both time and money, but since the shopping urges are at least partly hormonal, I cannot count on consistently making rational decisions. At least I'm not experimenting much with skincare at this point, mostly sticking to repurchasing staples. It still gets a bit expensive even so, and it has to be said that I've had an annoying amount of acne and picking issues this year despite keeping up with an elaborate skincare routine. All of this to be filed under *shit I still don't know how to fix*.

The travelling I managed this year was pretty nice in hindsight, a week in France at the end of January, then another in mid-August, then a weekend trip to Brussels, and an overnight in Helsinki to see a great live. I wish I could do more of this without financial stress, and worrying about leaving the cat (he's not taking separation super-hard, but still). The trip to Japan with friends we could not afford to take was a bit of a shitshow, btw: scorching temperatures, then a typhoon and then return flight cancellation, so stuck at the airport for 2 days before eventually getting rerouted.

Socializing: I think I did better than last year in this respect, I finally was in the mood for, and had the opportunity to throw a proper birthday garden party for myself, which was lovely. Additional meet-ups happened too, even if it would have been fun to have more. And having the cool coworker back at the office has been good, as expected. Now if I'd manage to actually get work done in reasonable hours, and feel good enough about my work output to warrant taking the time for fun, including hanging out with people, it would be even better.

Family: things are good with the boyf and most of the family, but I am stressed about big brother, his wife, and mom's will. Idk how any of this will be resolved. Ideally, I'd just buy the things I want from mom before inheritance ever becomes an issue, thus preventing any dividing issues, but I'd need to win the lottery beforehand...

I managed to do more gardening at mom's over the summer, which was rather nice. The summer wasn't as stressful climate-wise as feared, it was very dry in June, but enough rain from there onwards, and not too hot (I didn't get round to buying a mobile air conditioner nor heat-reflecting blinds, nor Birkenstocks, so this was very welcome). Still sad about losing a major feature of the entire garden, the big maple tree. Hoping to plant a replacement in the spring.

My aims for the next year involve being more responsible about money. It would be ridiculous to end up short on funds again when I'll be earning more than ever. The plan is to put more into the index fund retirement scheme, and I've started an automatic saving scheme as well (it rounds up all the card payments to 1 € up + I've added a monthly lump payment). I do hope to finally calm down about wardrobe upgrades, since I already have so much fabulous, joy-sparking stuff, and instead improve fitness a bit, so things will look better on me. I should definitely get more exercise anyway, and get some sort of a cheapish sports watch might be good. And I need to eat less sugar, and it would be good to get back to 8/16.

It also looks like 2024 will be one of the hardest work years of my life, and I have to manage to pull it all off for things to be easier in the future. It would be good if I just read books in my downtime instead of procrastinating on social media. Work guilt has meant very little reading just for fun this year, and that's not the kind of person I want to be.

As for what to look forward to, I will travel to France again in a few weeks, and probably to New York in June.

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mejomonster · 5 months

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I am trying to build a writimg habit. And Im fascinated to realize I seem to write quite well soon after I wake up, after breakfast and coffee

Its not... ideal. Since I need to stop writing at X time to start work or other daily obligations. So i cant write until the inspiration/motivation wanes, which in a good writimg sessiom might be 4 hours and 10,000 words. In the mornings, Ive pretty much got to stop at 30 minutes to 1 hour, or 1000-2000 words. Because thats all the time I have in the morning, on ideal days. So idk... still testing out if I could set up a afternoon after work before dinner habit instead, as afternoon to evening I can make time to write for 4-6 hours if I end up really into what Im writing.

Anyway. Im not a morning person at all so im kind of surprised I focus faster in the morning.

The other change I made thats helping, as far as making a habit. Is i am giving myself permission to write "anything, however few words come out, on any in progress story, including just story notes instead of a scene." Thats taken the pressure off as now I feel if i only have time for 100 words or inspiration for 100 words I will still START writing, ill give myself permission to write if i only have 5-10 minutes free if Ive got inspiration. And its been working fairly well? Half of the outcome has just been story outline notes, but thats more to rely on later. And the other half has been "later scene drafts" so while theyre rough and a lot of just dialogue and bare bones desxription, theyll make later chapters much less work. The only downside to this is by not focusing on ONE specific story, I may be makimg things somewhat harder for myself by jumping around? Idk. Result is MANY WIPS none finished. But progress on multiple wips so?

Also fun facts. This year Ive written at least 146,000 words. About 46,000 was fanfiction (which damn Im suprised by), some are wips so only maybe 30,000 of those words were posted on ao3. So the bigger news, for me personally? Is Ive wrote about 100,000 words of ORIGINAL FICTION THIS YEAR WOOH! That is a huge accomplishment to me as before this year, the most Ive ever finished was 1 short story of original fiction or drawn 1 chapter of a comic story. And the breakdown: 2 of my stories have about 30k written and are 1/5 done (which makes sense to me as I usually have been able to write 30k fanfics in the past and as long as theyre that short I generally complete writing them easily, and I apparently favor 5 arc story structure lol), 1 story has about 25k written, and 1 story has about 15k. So decent progress made on all.

#rant #mejo writing

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lyra-swan · 9 months

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Hiiiii I know you're offline as I'm writing this but nevertheless I still felt like jumping into your inbox and word-vomiting for a second because I've been following Mechanical Angel for quite some time now and picked it up again recently and I just made it to part IV, god I'm having a blast. I can't wait to put all my full, extensive thoughts out there once I'm done but for now I need to stress that I'm just super impressed with both your writing style and the tone/ character development as a whole but the world-building in particular got to me gooood.

Am I right to assume that a lot of research went into this???? Because you can genuinely tell, to the point I literally felt transported to the places as you described them every time and the details are just so captivating to witness. It really feels like I'm reading a ww2 novel, I feel transported back into German literature class on occasion and it's just. Impressive???

Anyway thank you SO MUCH for putting this out there, I'm so happy Mechanical Angel (and all of your works) exist!! I've already noticed that there's another story focused on Natsume/Sora set in the same universe and I can't wait to finally jump into that one too once I'm done with MA. (Especially since Natsume is in my top 4# favorite characters but that's only a bonus)

Last but not least I am very mentally ill over Eimika now, congrats, I'm rotating them in my brain a very normal and totally not concerning amount, haha

May you have a wonderful day!!

Oh hi thank you so much!! I both loved and struggled with Part IV so much, but it was extremely fun to write, especially that dumb part in ch.38... I dunno if you've reached ch.45 but that was also very fun. I hope you continue to enjoy the rest!

I'm going to ramble like an old grandma again, adding a read more thingy so the post won't be a bother to scroll past for others.

In my opinion I don't think I've done enough research! But I'll always feel like that no matter how much I do so bleugh, nevermind. The scenery is typically based on my own surroundings but changed slightly to match an European feel... I think I wrote more in the last ask answer but it has a tiny bit of spoilers, I believe. The setting is a bit of amalgamation of my own country and europe because my own surroundings is what I'm familiar with, and of course although it's supposed to be inspiried by Germany everyone drives on the left side (I think I mentioned it in a chapter note) because I didn't want to accidentally trip over myself from a simple description of where a character turns their head. It's the Little Details that are important!

I say, as if I also didn't mess up a few details here and there because I started posting before finishing the first draft and so I couldn't edit the way I used to do for my previous longfics... But yes, it was very fun adding random bits from what I learned into the story because I used to love watching WW2 docs and laughing every time the nazis messed up and suffered a crippling defeat.

Like, I'd read about how they lied to their citizens that they were doing just dandy, and then have Wataru ask Eichi if he wanted more 'false reports of our so-called victories on the battlefield' to be published in the newspapers. Because that's the funniest shit ever to me...

Then one day I'd read about the nazis being among the first to connect smoking to bad health, and I'd add something like that in a conversation between Eichi and Tatsumi, they're not nazis obviously but because of the setting's inspirations that's where I got a lot of information (but you'll have a scene later on that's more Britain than Germany, so the fic truly is a amalgamation of different european settings during WW2). And of course, people are sceptical of new medical findings, that was mentioned. And the part where Eichi mentions 'common people are suspicious of IV drips' to Mika, that was a thing in the real world too.

I wonder if there is a single medical invention that wasn't regarded with suspicion by at least one person at first.

I kind of wish I had Eichi offering gold watches to anyone who quit smoking, it would've been funny, but eh.

And of course there are some things that don't make sense because this IS an alternate world so I DO have freedom. Like, even though this takes place generally in 1930s-1940s time, tranquiliser guns weren't invented until the 1950s (by a NEW ZEALANDER!!! Colin Murdoch. He's also the genius behind the modern day syringe, if I recall correctly), but you know, I added it in anyway because alternate world, alternate invention timeframes. I wrote that fog scene where Mika is shot by Midori while also sitting outside one dark foggy morning, and I liked the scene so much I kept it in.

Anyway I'm so happy you like the world-building! It was super fun to work on! I really like rural settings for world war stories... one of my favourite authors, Michael Morpurgo has that kind of vibe going on too, my bookshelf has a few of his books. So many dog and animal stories with themes of war lingering in the background if they don't directly deal with war and I love every one of them. They're all so full of emotion, they'd always make me cry. I love the stories that can make me cry and look back and think it was the most beautiful thing I've ever read and Morpurgo's works can do that A LOT. But also I'm very emotional...

And thank YOU for this! I'm always so happy hearing someone enjoyed what I wrote!

I still need to finish that natsusora fic. It was supposed to be a part of the main story itself but because it would've taken so many chapters, I was worried about 'forcing' readers through a side story that had no bearing on eimika. So I posted it as a separate fic! It takes place during that last chapter of Part IV so you can actually have a look whenever you've started Part V.

Natsume is very out of character, however. He's in his 30s and not really the cute feminine witchy boy that he truly is in canon (at least, that's how I see him), he's an engineer and really logical... but he hates Eichi with a passion, that's VERY necessary. Nevertheless, I try to write him as close to his canon self within the au that I've shoved him in and told him to survive in. Totally fine if you end up not liking it!

Excuse the rambling!! Thank you! You have good day!!

#anon ask

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heyitssashag · 2 years

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Aug 1 2022

Today Ella and I went for a little walk. Found a few more short trails close by with nice views. The heat has made it hard for me to get out much. I’m looking forward to exploring more areas once it cools off a bit.

I got on the elliptical today for 35 minutes. First time I’ve been on one of those for a long time. It was on level 3 and I wasn’t going very fast, but it’s better than nothing. I gave my arms frequent breaks or the repetitive motion would aggravate my neck. Slow and steady. 🐢

Afterwards, I went into the pool and hot tub. Felt so much better. Heat definitely relives pain for me. I’ve also come to the conclusion I hate all bathing suits on me. Between being flat and having a port sticking out, I feel like Frankenstein. That being said, I don’t plan on strutting down any beaches any time soon.

Yesterday, Ella and I went to the Lavender Farm. They gave us a tour and they had some animals there including sheep, baby peacocks and goats. Ella got to feed the goats. She was in her element. I’m thinking she’s going to one day work with animals.

I have lab work and an oncologist appointment scheduled for this week along with a bone scan. I’m still waiting for my MRI and CT dates as those are due as well. Today I finished up cycle 14 of the Ibrance. I go 3 weeks on, 1 week off. By the end of the cycle, I tend to feel much more tired and emotional - but whatever keeps the cancer stable I’m happy to deal with.

I took part with the “camp” nanowrimo challenge in July. I actually finished it. I wrote a short book (around 26,000 words) about getting back into fitness after an illness or injury. It’s just a first draft and have a lot to do on it still but I feel happy that I did it. One of these days, I need to actually finish editing a book and self-publish it. Editing isn’t very fun, though. lol.

That’s all for now. Just trying to get back into writing regular posts, again. 😄