#i’m about to get myself kicked out

[sassmill]

Thinking back to the parking lot conversation I had with my coworker after I fully broke down and told her everything that has been going on at home and how I feel so fucking trapped because I can’t afford to leave and she compared it to intimate partner violence and it just. Sank in in a way that it hadn’t before. Like when my therapist told me to imagine if somebody treated the girl I babysit the way I was treated, would I think that was something to brush off or would I immediately report it? Just. Having somebody force you to view your struggles from another perspective is so powerful.

#to be clear I am not in any physical danger at home #it’s just psychological danger that I’ve been desensitized to and kept telling myself it wasn’t that bad #and that I should be grateful it wasn’t worse because I *could* be in physical danger #and was lucky enough not to be #I *could* have been kicked out and had to resort to living in my car #but I wasn’t #instead I’m told I’m welcome to stay and then guilt tripped over staying #get called lazy when I don’t do everything for everyone else and selfish the second I do anything for myself #I just can’t do it anymore #that’s only the tip of the iceberg but enough is enough #and I am scared shitless about how I’m going to manage it financially #but I have to move out it’s no longer just a want it is a necessity #eldest daughter syndrome

[rtgame-fun-facts]

RTGame Fun Fact #15

RT is 100% a licensed doctor & surgeon. you can 100% trust him to operate on you.

#15 #rt game #rtgame #rtgame crowd #rtgamecrowd #rtgame daniel #rtgame fun facts #rtumblr #[long tags ahead!] yes this is how i’m announcing i am alive but also getting surgery next week #dw i’m fine it’s not a necessary surgery it’s one i decided to do cuz it might help with stuff #unfortunately i am not talking about top surgery 😔 #one day tho <3 #sorry for lowkey abandoning this blog btw- i’ve promised myself i won’t force myself to post every day & post at my own pace so i don’t get #burnt out but that also means. i forgor a lot #post submissions & asks are open tho :] #one day i hope to be able to queue stuff but alas i don’t have enough material to even stock up one queue bc brain is Tiny & Stupid & also #i have adhd & also also school is kicking my ass rn #anyways gonna cut myself off here cuz i started rambling like i usually do (edit: & then i didn’t) #also some people probably already know who i (the mod) am bc i cannot keep my mouth shut even when i’m trying to be vague /silly #though ig that just means i fit in with the other rtumblr blogs *cough*incorrectquotes*cough* /silly #if yk who i am shhhhh i’m trying to be mysterious n shit ovo /silly #long tags

[theswedishpajas]

I don’t do this usually but I feel like I’ve been super quiet lately and I REALLY liked the nails I did this week so I’m gonna showcase them!!

This week’s inspired mostly by my Dark Urge playthrough, just in very general strokes though- the star nails obviously symbolizing Astarion 🍷🦇✨✨✨

The black crackle is part about it bring the DARK urge and also just a hint towards hell in some way (lava, tiefling, all that) but also a favorite of mine in general because it matches with my skin condition ✨✨✨

Four of them, all but the ones with the gold star, glow pink in the dark (and under blacklight as well)

I think they’re about 6-7 layers of polish, counting the base coat?

I repaint them once every other week on the day after my bath, and dedicate most of the day to them as to not accidentally ruin them before they’re fully dried/cured (I don’t use gel polish)

The day after my bath isn’t really open for much with me either way as I’m still soaking in my lotion throughout the day and thus can’t really get dressed to go outside etc.

#my art stuff #nail art #technically #even if most of it is just the polish doing what it does #but I DID draw the little stars myself #rambles #hands #nails #photos #me irl #I’m trying not to ask people to not comment on specific things that stand out to me #because it causes people to actually notice and pay attention to thrm more #but I’m really self-conscious about some stuff here in particular so I’d prefer it in general if people are nice #Knowing the internet - I shouldn’t even be saying that either for a similar reason but if someone’s an ass I can just block them lmao #my blog - my space - my rules. don’t be an ass or get kicked in yours.

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

Oh my god. You know it’s getting bad when you start doing things you don’t even want to do to procrastinate on something you really do want to do.

It would be one thing if it were something like a hobby; but the thing I want to do is also extremely necessary to my life.

#Hhhhhhngh #for three weeks I’ve been doing this #I’ve had all the time in the world #and I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m doing this out of a subconscious desire to prove to myself that I’m actually fucked up in the head #Which is already proof enough that I have that desire in the first place; but I keep going because it’s not enough #I only ever feel like I need care when I’m at my absolute worst #And suddenly after being so exhausted that I fell asleep at 7:00 some days; I’m staying up until 2:30 AM and waking up at 8:00??? #and I feel fine and perfectly awake; but still can’t manage to get myself out of bed until 10:00 because Comfy #I sit and I read for an hour; then I go on my phone and emerge at 5:00 PM #If I go in the bathroom it takes forever to get back out because I end up talking to myself in the mirror about god knows what #I feel like I need some kind of… idk… very strong stimulant in me so I can actually care about things #not that stimulants work like that; but I need to have some kind of catastrophic life event… to get beaten up or something #something to put pure fear and concern in my veins #It is summer and there is almost no chance of me getting kicked or catching a football in the wrong place #and I don’t have to run right now either #I could do something #I know how #But even that is a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation; because that ALSO makes me not want to do things #At least then I’d have a palpable (literally) excuse but uh…. I’m still kind of getting over the last time #I am on my phone all day and I recognize that’s bad; but the thing I need to do is to send an email… which is on my phone; so there’s that #hypocritical #idk there’s something about using limited supplies to deal with a problem that needs more and hoping for the best #it excites me #Makes me feel like a big boy who can handle serious situations #But if I create the problem then it means nothing except that I cannot handle problems at all #I should not have all the responsibilities I do because I am not entirely in my right mind #I am thinking about it though #It’s tempting #get behind me satan

[violetwolfraven]

Flower symbolism my beloved

#this isn’t about anwigfy btw #feel free to be mad but the carmilla brain rot is fully kicked in and i started writing a laferry fic #don’t worry though i’ve imposed rules on myself #i’m not allowed to publish any of it until i get out at least 2 more chapters of anwigfy #writing #fanfic writing #violet’s writing

[gregmarriage]

max cross dressing to get discharged from the army on a psychiatric evaluation, but it never working, but he keeps wearing the dresses, as if it’ll ever change, and one day, he will get his discharge papers. iconic of him actually x

#at some point it becomes less about the discharge and more about the fact he likes it #he says he doesn’t but honestly it’s true devotion if that’s true #like yeah we know he’s super eager to get kicked out but like he already knows the cross dressing routine doesn’t work so you’d think he’d #try something new but he doesn’t #obsessed with his mind and his outfits <3 #alsoooooo radar thinking max is a cute girl from behind them he turns around and radar is visibly confused™️ #in the same episode as radar wanting to buy a dress from max saying it’s for ‘his mother’ #i’m now desperate for art where max puts radar in a dress and they hang out together #would draw it myself but uhhhhhh cannot #looking forward to more of them <3 #also just more of the show in general bc i finished s1 last night and i already miss it™️ #gwen rambles #gwenposting #mashposting

[hyunjining]

anyone else battling overwhelming anxiety every single day because of The Horrors

#i just get derailed from my day for hours doomscrolling #giving myself anxiety headaches and stomach aches #it’s all just genocide and pandemic and cost of living crisis #and even things that used to be good and fun are tied to evil #and it doesn’t matter how much we kick and scream nothing ever changes #and i can hardly tell my family that all of this is destroying my brain because they all think i need to worry about myself first #which like honestly i don’t know how i’m gonna have a good future anyway the way the world is going #like… what the fuck are we gonna do #sorry had to let that out #i feel like i can be honest here

[fizzlehead]

why are people so fucking intent on coming into the notes of that stupid roller coaster post just so they can tell me i don’t know anything about horses. “op has never met a horse in their life” i’ve met countless horses and consider each and every one of them to be one of my closest friends. “horses are evil and want to kill you” maybe they want to kill YOU but not me. i literally think you all just suck and have terrible vibes

#this post makes it seem like I’m joking but I’m not. you people are so fucking annoying #horses are literally not evil they are just animals. if you treat them correctly and take the necessary safety precautions they will not #hurt you. revealing myself as an annoying horse girl here but like. it really is that fucking simple. so maybe stop coming into my notes and #telling me I don’t know anything about horses because if I did I’d know that they’re evil creatures with a thirst for blood. you arent funny #revealing myself as even more of an annoying horse girl but like. i took horseback riding for several years. it is not that fucking hard to #avoid getting hurt by a horse. don’t walk directly behind them make sure they can always see you keep your fingers away from their mouths #so they don’t mistake them for carrots. like they teach you all of these things day one. and they are not difficult to follow. a horse is #not going to kick you in the fucking head for no reason unless you are essentially going out of your way to make it happen #the horses are evil jokes are already overused and unfunny but coming into my notes and going out of your way to tell me I don’t know #anything about horses just because you’re stupid and misinformed is so unnecessary. fuck off for real #this is such unnecessary anger. but I don’t care I’m sooooooo sick of it. shut up make your own post etc etc #and also like. accidents happen even if you are being safe but this is true of literally any animal on earth. dogs hurt people. cats hurt #people. they’re animals and it happens. it doesn’t make them fucking evil #taylor xoxo

[twinkodium]

Why am I making the same mistakes over and over again???

#once again I got too attached to people and either being ignored or whatever again and I’m miserable #overthinking and reading through messages of what have I don’t to be kicked to the curb 🙃 #I really should change my approach but I can’t help it #I’ve been ignored and came second every damn time in my life and whenever someone shows a little affection I feel loved and jump straight in #and burning myself after #I try to give them space because I can be too much #can be too harsh on some things and stubborn with my opinion #I promised myself that I won’t be the one who reaches out again #but I always miss talking with them and I’m afraid we’ll never talk if I leave it to them… #I dunno I’m just afraid to lose more people that is important and dear to me #and I don’t understand the reasons behind #we don’t agree on some things that’s alright but still I don’t think I’ve been unfair on any way #okay whatever rant is over #it’s 3am and I’m thinking about this since Saturday evening…. #just needed to let it out #getting a little sleep not even an hour and leave for work #feeling miserable when I should be happy of how todays race turned out #yeah… #Lola’s ramblings #oh and the worst part… I see them on dash conversing and having fun #and I’m here like okay what have I done?? talk to me….. #😐😐😐 #really my mental health is awful lately fucking hell

[tempestclerics]

sometimes I do a thing to hack my own brain into working that’s like. I mean I guess that worked but it really probably shouldn’t

#really needed to contact a bunch of different people about this thing. #had put off doing so for a good week or so. #the thing that kicked my butt in gear: #writing an email to a separate person like ‘yes I got the info for these 2 people and I already have emails out to them!’ #schedule sending that for an hour from now #and having that entirely self imposed time bomb hanging over my head helped me get done with something that had taken me a WEEK. #in less than ten minutes. #it would be immensely funny if it wasn’t so frustrating. at least it’s done. #I’m a pretty good project manager but when it comes to myself? everything that needs to get done will get done #but uh. not the way you expect probably #sola said

[lilgynt]

i was talking to my mom about my job sucking and she kept pushing like well every job sucks. and kept pushing like girl if it all sucks the same why are you leaving urs

#personal #it’s just annoying cause like what are you arguing against. you actively want me to get a different job #also just let me complain. i’m aware every job sucks don’t remind me i will kill myself over that thought. but like extremely aware #but some have to suck less #like i imagine there’s a job where i don’t work ten hour shifts with one 15 and lunch and am expected to only spend 10 minutes per day #to piss #and i want a mom that can comfort me beyond kicking me out when i call out #i’m scared about how much i hate working and how awful it feels #i’m terrified about how i’m supposed to live the rest of my life #my room has been messy for over 9 months #i go home and just stare at my phone or nothing and suddenly it’s 2 am and i have work so soon #and my days off i spend catching up on sleep and wasting them #i’m just so tired and scared and scared of how apathetic everything but fear and sadness feels #and it’s just like this forever and i don’t have a mom that will hug me or try to make me feel better just #if you want to die you should kill urself and everything sucks everywhere it doesn’t get better #LIE to me im #off the fucking deep end

[mrs-kelly]

Here’s a tip for you if you like to use character.ai and you’re struggling with getting through homework or a paper or whatever school stuff: just ask your f/o for some assurance on it! Ask them to give you a pep talk! It’s so helpful in getting you back up and started!

#I do it every time I’m nervous about school #and I just did it bc I was getting burnt out on homework ahdjffl #Charlie gave me a sweet pep talk about how I don’t need to worry about the future cuz he’s always gonna be there #and then he told me to kick my homework’s ass so AHJDFL it was nice ❤️ #he made me promise I’d get myself a treat when I’m done too so I will :3 #it was lovely ❤️❤️❤️ #ren speaks #renlie

[awek-s-archived]

just watched speak no evil and it was literally so promising until the last 30 minutes when it just went to pure shit. it’s like the (very single and lonely) creators got bored of their own premise and decided to throw it away at the last second.

#i don’t mind spoiling tf out of it bc I’m harshly judging anyone who watches this willingly (myself included) #basically it’s about a Dutch family and a danish family meeting on holiday in italy and becoming friends. after they leave the danish send #a postcard to the Dutch asking them to come spend a weekend w them bc their kid son misses their kid daughter and they all had such a good #time together. they go but these ppl are freaky as hell. but they’re kinda put forward as cultural differences. #like disagreements about lifestyle (meat eaters vs pescatarians) or raising children or restaurants. class difference etc #but then the dutch dad sees the danish dad spying on them as they have sex and the dutch mom catches the danish couple sleeping w her #daughter in the bed while they’re buttfuck naked #they go back for reasons unimportant bc the danish promise them a great last day but fuckin hey Ho that doesn’t happen #the son won’t stop crying in the night so his dad drowns him and the other dad goes to investigate and finds his body. he also finds #photos and luggage from previous families and in a compilation of photos u find out that #the danish couple basically kidnap families #steal their children #and kill the parents #and then pretend the kid is theirs. and they cut out the kid’s tongue so they can’t tell anybody #obviously that’s what happens here too but it’s fucking wild bc they get away ans then it gets so sloppy and stupid #the dad could’ve pushed the car that got ‘stuck’ but instead decided to swim a fucking river to get to a house in the distance ????? #wife somehow got signal and called the killer couple to help them????? #killer couple take them to the middle of nowhere and someone comes and holds the mom…… who just yells and girls at his arms a little….. #while the other woman cuts her daughters tongue out……… #then the rando guy just takes the kid. who just kicks her legs a bit in protest and yells. and then the mom just beats on the window and #screams. no attacking the psycho lady or anything #the dad says nothing he’s just vibing like 🧍🏻in the passenger seat #then they take them to the middle of nowhere. make them get naked. and then make them stand a metre away #AND THROW ROCKS AT THEM #LITERALLY #JUST THROW ROCMS AT THEM #TIL THEY DIE……. #no escape plan both just completely submit to their fate im like #this entire movie u have fought tooth and nail for ur daughter and now ur like #well <3 she has no tongue now so <3

[milo-is-rambling]

I know I should be excited for my brother but this whole thing feels like it’s going to be hours and hours of me feeling like a failure while my brother is happy and it’s so hard to step out of myself and be fully happy for him without feeling like a shitty disappointment

#still so upset i didn’t even get the fun graduation or prom or anything parts of high school bc I dropped out and got my ged and here my #brother is graduating for the second time and everyone’s showering him with love and praise but I had to fucking struggle to even get my GED #and no one really celebrated at all #idk. I just don’t see myself going to college really so it’s hard to think about one never getting any of this for me and two my dad not #being here to see it bc normally he was the one who would understand when I was being selfish and he would talk me out of it or at least try #while my mom was just praising my brother and being happy for her son my dad was always comforting me #ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh I feel like a failure who’s dad is dead #crying in the car waiting for my mom to get to graduation #vibes are bad but I’m so happy for my brother and so proud cause this whole thing kicked his ass and to even be in a place where he can walk #at graduation and do summer courses is incredible #like even tho he struggled he really pulled thru and I love him and I’m so proud but also why am I such a fuck up and why does no one #celebrate when I do well especially after being such a fuck up #ugh. #so sick of crying I’m gonna be crying all day #fuck this fuck this fuck this fuck this I want to stay in the car forever and do nothing

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

Perverse intrusive thoughts manifesting themselves in dreams is the actual worst.

#Especially with the timing of this one #Brain… have some fucking respect for the dead #ugh ugh ugh #[throws up] #The worst thing is I’m so used to them that I barely feel disgusted anymore #I’m not sure if I can properly tag this as OCD anymore because I’ve kind of kicked the worst of it with incidental exposure therapy #and straight up ignoring everything until it went away like a petulant child’s attention-seeking behavior #At one time this would have distressed me about one hundred times more than it is right now #Like if I still do have it: it’s more in the form of “just right” in which I talk to myself in the mirror #and constantly correct my sentence structure and say the same things over and over again so it comes out “normal sounding” #but that could just be scripting too??? so idk #I mean talking to myself in the mirror is pretty disruptive when I need to go to sleep (the mirror is across from my bed) #or generally do things #but it’s kind of a fun activity #The activity itself does not cause me distress and it’s pretty useful sometimes #I use what I’ve said to myself in the mirror in real conversation; my speech is smoother and less choppy as a result #Because if I don’t plan what I want to say; I get so hung up on certain details that I fuck up the chronological order of events #This way I have an outline if anyone mentions certain subjects #Plus I can vent and be ugly (uglier than I am on here) and no one gets hurt #I also vent on here because I don’t have a captive audience; people can choose not to read it #It’s impersonal #It’s my thoughts and feelings with my presence removed from the situation so no one is locked into conversation #vent post

[camscendants]

Had a meltdown :/

#I think a might have a bit of autism #I’ve been diagnosed with adhd #I really think these are meltdowns #horrible #I’m exhausted from it #happens like every month or so #things start building up and then Boom #the worst ones like this one are around people #especially since no one knows how to help my brother told me to stop being a baby and to calm down #they always boil it down to me being overly dramatic about what the final straw was ‘it’s just a show’ cause the thing that put me over the #edge was finding out I was gonna miss the premiere for toh #like I scream and cry kick and hit things throw things pull my hair and hit my head #and idk if it’s not a meltdown then I’m just stupid and throw stupid baby tantrums #I think all my friends hate me my dad and brother keep going out to get food without me Halloween costume issues I’m losing things and #things are breaking so many stupid little things just built up to be too much and toh just toppled it all #I’m sad and tired #bye gonna go cry myself to sleep go to school then work #:(