#i’m in the fucking smack bang middle of a depressive episode that’s lasting so long

[deathchic]

starting to get really annoyed at my brain for not giving me enough mental illness content in any one specific area. like yes i have obsessions and compulsions and weird specific anxieties that are only alleviated by doing things a very certain way yes ocd runs in my family no i absolutely do not have enough shit to get a diagnosis. i just have to like. put up with it.

#i have like 3 mental conditions i just have like a collection of symptoms of but not enough to actually be there and i’m like well what do #i do now #it’s not!! normal!! to experience these things!!! and if it is i’m FUCKED bc it’s so hard! and everyones just been lying to me about how #hard life is #like fr! i have spent my whole life just being like. something is wrong with me. and it makes a little more sense the more answers i find #the adhd was a huge one but i’m like. i still feel that way #why is my brain the way it is. what do i even do about it. it’s so. fucked up. i don’t. #if living in your head is the way i experience it for everybody then why haven’t i been told that #i just. shits wrong up there. i know that i know that. stuff is wrong #whatever WHATEVER!! it’s 2am #i’m in the fucking smack bang middle of a depressive episode that’s lasting so long #and i don’t think these new meds are gonna work #which means i have to fucking. transition off them onto something else and then wait for them to maybe work. oh joy #and the chance of them working is significantly down since these ones didn’t do shit #i can’t do this forever man. i can’t just exist like this #scream i just want a lobotomy agajshjdbd #like i see the appeal. it’s one of my worst fucking fears and has been since i first understood the concept #i fantasise about having my higher brain functions taken away like most people fantasise about having a holiday #but i gotta make it to mcr ‘22 😤😤 #which will probably be cancelled GSGSHSGSJHDD