#i’m sorry i’m on mobile and wont have my computer for most the day but

[barryallenis]

Faded

While I’ve been writing fanfics for years, this is my first crack into the westallen fandom. This was written before 6x01 aired but I think stays true to Barry and Iris’s character and is my own interpretation of their grieving process after Nora’s loss. Most chapters to come on my fanfic account!

Soft sobs.

The only thing he could hear.

She sat curled against the dark tile, sobs growing in every breathe, quicker and quicker still, until her face was caked in tears.

He stood motionless, despite calls deep within his subconscious. He wanted nothing more than to lunge for the button beside him, to apologize, to hold her for as long as he could before she was...

And just then, the sobbing stopped. The distressed girl began to fade into the rigid wall behind her, breaking into pieces as if she were made of porcelain, filling the glass cage that held her. The brightness of the cage grew as the pieces spread, brighter and brighter. Body stiff, his mind screamed towards the light, begging it to stop, telling it he was sorry.

Suddenly, the brightness switched into darkness, darkness that grew small speckled spots and a faded streak in the shape of window panes.

He had regained mobility and his coarse hands immediately ran to his face, which was coated in a healthy layer of sweat. If it was not for everything else his brain was focused on, he would have commented on how ironic it was to have sweat so heavily laying still in bed when he had run several hundred miles at a time without so much as a bead.

Instead, his mind kept playing through the images he had just seen over and over again at hyper-speed. He did not need to fall back asleep for them to reenter in total clarity. He did not know how long he laid there, the sounds of sobs making his head ache, until his thoughts caught with a gentle touch to his forearm.

He looked down to see his wife's concerned, albeit wretchedly tired, eyes stuck on him. She did not move to speak.

"I'm alright, go back to sleep."

"Sleep". She riffed with jocular illusion.

Her dry sarcasm shook him out of his own heart, he turned towards her, now pleading her to speak.

"I keep expecting..." she bit her lip as it began to quiver "to suddenly forget... and I'm terrified. Because as painful as it is to live with what happened... I don't know what I would do if all we had of her was a - a book."

Suddenly Barry felt mute once again. He knew he didn't forget, his speed and his connection to the timeless void of the speed force kept him from that. It was the only reason he had started to lose his memories of the past in flashpoint. He was becoming human, with no origin story, no bolt of lighting, no dead parents, he had nothing connecting him to the speed force anymore. He remembered what that felt like, how hopeless he felt trying to cling to a reality that was no longer, how desperate he was that he let Thawne free - again.

What if Iris did forget? Would he be the only one to remember her? With her father's eyes and her mother's smile and her unwavering determination to set things right and leave a legacy all her own?

"You won't forget her. Because I wont forget her, and we'll find a way."

She sighed, gently closing her eyes, as if to squash a bad memory. Barry returned to staring at the ceiling, his eyes fixed.

Iris reached over and began to caress his forearm, until reaching down to grab his hand that laid squarely between them above the covers. His grasp was tighter than expected, more alert. She knew what was keeping him up, most likely, the same thing that had been keeping her. But even in the late night, when his thoughts should have at least been groggy, it was getting his full attention.

"Talk to me." She said softly.

He stared outward, unknowingly, before turning to give her a half hearted smile. "I'm okay, really." Her eyes were as soft as her hands, perhaps it was there dewiness from recent arise or most likely, just the look of someone, the only other person alive who could possibly understand any shred of what he was feeling. "I can't stop thinking about her either."

Iris bite her lip. "We have to take solace in the message she left. And know that we can carry out her legacy."

Barry just nodded softly.

"Barry I know these last few weeks particularly have been ... but she was smart and she knew, regardless, how much you loved her. You were her hero Barry, before she knew you were the flash and after everything that happened."

"She sacrificed herself..." he found himself saying this to a void, unsure if it was even out loud, "for me, so that I could have a future. How - how does a child...?"

Iris's eyes were misty now. But she'd never seen this look on Barry's face before. Maybe it was the lethargy or her coated eyes, but the only look she could register was shame.

"Barry -"

There was so much more he wanted to say but it caught in his throat as the word "hero" rang through his head like a church chime in his wife's demure voice. It was not the first time the title made him uneasy, the wormhole for one, all the death he had caused, the pain to the people he loved.

Nothing felt quite like this though. He didn't just feel unheroic, he felt inhuman. He had a strong desire to disassociate himself from his own body and yet, felt more grounded to it than ever. He was not "The Flash" or the "Masked Fighter of Central City" he was a father who had failed his daughter. He hadn't failed humanity, but he failed his most human role within it, supporting and protecting his child.

And as he looked over at his wife, her understanding eyes, he felt more ashamed than ever.

"I think I'm just gonna take a walk." He said as he began to remove himself from bed.

"Bare it's four in the -"

A whoosh. And he was gone.

He did not return that morning, as Iris readied for the day. She kept her phone close to her but she did not make a call. She kept looking at the front door, but she did not make moves towards it until she was on her way to her office. A small part of her wished for a fire in an abandoned building somewhere, big enough to need help but small and isolated enough no one got hurt, just something that sprung everything into action. The mundane activity she had been doing left too much room for her mind to wander. Through the last 6 months, the girl in her jacket, the man no longer under lock, and the one who has been taking a "walk" since daybreak.

Washing her face, making coffee, slipping on shoes, it all felt too normal. She had lost a child. A child who hadn't even been born, conceived, imagined, but her child all the same. She hadn't raised her... and yet, she had. Whatever she had missed in the first 27 years, without Iris and Barry, she would have never existed. It didn't make any sense to feel the way she did about what had been a total stranger all but 6 months ago. But there was a part of her subconscious that knew this separate, or future, life that would lead to those moments. Carrying her, delivering her, teaching her to walk, to talk, to think. Maybe it was the way Nora called her "mom" with such ease, even in their darker days early on her arrival. She didn't feel as though "mom" was a title for her, as if it were all a game, but the way she spoke it she made her believe it.

Upon returning from grabbing a sweater from her bedroom she heard keys rumbling in her padlock laden front door. A moment later her husband appeared, looking more disheveled than when he had rushed out of bed, his five o'clock shadow glowing against the dim foyer light. The couple made eye contact from the door to the stairs, both opening their mouths for delicate words, when a buzzing erupted from both of their pockets.

One look upon Iris's face and she felt a familiar whoosh of air, a jostling motion and she was suddenly back in front of the monitors of Star Labs.

"Glad I came in early today" Cisco said from a surprisingly far distance from her or any computer system. "Who thought wheely chairs were the right move for this room?"

"Barry it looks like there's a grand theft auto out of the dealership on 57th." Iris tapped along her dashboard in a familiar fashion. "CCPD is still several minutes out."

"Psh do people still think a sports car is faster than the flash just because it's 8 in the morning?" Crisco rang in.

Iris could feel Cisco's attempts at normalcy, his tone gentler then usual amidst his albeit, typical, jokes. She knew he meant well and that's the only reason she didn't punch him in the arm.

"Barry he's headed into the tunnel, if you don't stop him before I'm seeing high change of a massive pileup. Cisco can you turn the traffic lights on the way to the tunnel?" Iris asked.

"On it."

But there did not seem to be a need, as shortly after Cisco manned traffic control, the car veered off the road instead, hopping haphazardly into the mildly populated park that had once been beside him. Barry, who had been preparedly creating a vortex to decelerate the vehicle, had been thrown off course as well. His eyes instead became fixed on the child's playground directly in front of the target.

His vortex creation veered course, cutting tares in grass instead of concrete as Barry tried to keep up with the swerving car. Mere seconds later was the horse-powered car pulled to stop and its driver thrown from the vehicle. It was not deceleration that had been the culprit of the throw, but two red gloves.

"What, you think your life is so much above everyone else's you don't even think about the people you could have killed in the process?! Huh? All for a little joy ride?"

Barry was standing over him now, a man now defenseless and disoriented, his figure getting closer and, seemingly, angrier with every step.

"I wasn't gonna hurt anybody -" the man pleaded at the face of the hero.

"You think you choose whether you get you hurt someone or not?" He was screaming now, his hands finding them to the man's collar, yanking him to his level. Onlookers began to watch from a distance. "No, your reckless behavior is what chooses! You wanted a car that was worth endangering the lives of all these people to get. All of these children -"

"Flash!" A voice rang out from across the park. Barry turned to find Ralph, or rather, elastic man, standing among a crowd of park goers, parents and children among them. "You gonna cuff him or...?"

#the flash #westallen #barry allen #iris west #iris westallen #nora west-allen #flash #mywriting #ive missed writing #if you want further look into my work tbh maybe ill link my pretty little liars page one day #when im not ashamed of that show #so maybe never

[abuse-survivor-safe-space]

I'm sorry Y'all (update 9/3/18)

I've been neglecting this account and I'm sorry if it's affecting anyone. I don't delete asks so I will try to get through all of them.

Something happened in my life and now I'm up to the brink with stress. I started my third year at college with a full schedule, I'm trying to get a job, move out of my toxic household, and I'm also playing collegiate volleyball so I'm busy and have no time for even free time, let alone taking my time to thoughtfully answer your asks. And the way tumblr is, I don't think I can answer them on my phone because I can't add tabs, but I'll try again today to see if the new updates allows that now, or if I can post an answered ask, and then edit it to add tags (which is what I have to do on the computer)

I've at least gotten a job that I kinda like (read: I'm not dreading to work there like I have with other jobs in the past and most of my coworkers are likeable and nice to my noobie shy butt), so that's eased the stress load by a lot and I have more time now that I'm not frantically applying and setting up interviews.

So I'll be answering a few asks between classes and during my free time, instead of trying to answer them all at one time. I haven't looked in the inbox, so if there's applications I'll address that first so that I can get some help with answering the asks. I'll be starting from the bottom/oldest asks and going up. I'll be doing some today after doing a couple things I need to do. This is the end of my announcement, but I'll be explaining my situation a couple lines down if you're interested. I just need to get a couple things off my mind and to show I really am overwhelmed and care about this account.

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So I'm in my third year at college, though I'm academically more of a sophomore. My first semester at college I didn't know I was going to graduate that June so I applied late compared to other and all the core classes were gone. I took a psychology class, Chinese 1A, and 4 PE classes (dropped down to 3 because I really didn't like my Haitian dance class, and it was hard on my parents to have to take me to the sister campus 25 miles away on a Saturday morning because I didn't have my license or a car yet (had to wait until October when I turned 17 1/2 to avoid the mandatory $600ish driving school requirement). Then something happened during that semester to trigger my PTSD and I had to skip the spring semester. I'm in my third year with 39/60 credits completed and plan on transferring for the fall 2019 semester. I am having some doubts and questioning my career path at the moment, so I have to do some heavy research on careers, majors, and 4 year schools to transfer to very soon, since a program called TAG (transfer admission guarentee) has started and lasts until September 30th and then actual applications start Nov 1-30 so I have to start figuring out where I'll try to apply very soon. So that's stress #1 (number does not reflect severity or order of stress)

Next is that I found out my brother's girlfriend will be moving in right before I went to Mexico in late July, and at the time my mom said she'll be moving into my room and the girlfriend will be moving into my mom's room. So I spent all weekend thinking and worrying, and by the time I got back I decided I needed to move out asap. I talked to my grandparents about it the next day and then called my aunt, and they are the only ones who know and are supporting me. My aunt is more active in her support, helping me figure out all the details and what I need to do, and using my college money from my grandparents to pay for rent because I can't stand being at my house long enough to save money with a part time job. So as I'm looking places up on housing apps, I noticed that even though my college money guarantees I will be able to pay every single bill, I still need a job, cosigner, and credit score, 3 of those things I didn't have at the time. School was also starting and a lot of my weekends went to moving my brother's girlfriend in, and i had started having volleyball practice mon-thurs. I was having problems and started new meds. I was able to start adderall though, and it has helped immensely and I don't know if I could've done any of this without it. When school starts I'm now a full time student athlete, trying to get a job, move out, and figure out things related to my college account with my aunt who lives 3 hours away.

My third week of school is starting tomorrow, and I have a job with flexibility for my volleyball game schedule that is different each week, and it's better now that I know most of my volleyball schedule. So the stress from volleyball and getting a job is gone. I also discovered that I do have a credit score thanks to a Kohl's credit card I took out a year ago that I was not aware was connected to my personal credit. (Not very good with all this finance stuff). Right now it's poor, but it went up from nonexistent, so the more I use my card and continue making payments in time, it will continue to go up. I will be applying for a credit card to also help increase my score, probably tonight, but I have to get my aunt to cosign (I hate inconveniencing her). But now I have a job, a credit score, and a cosigner.

Right now my main focus other than school is sifting through potential places to live and getting rid of the ones that don't meet my requirements (which are basically just I can't live with men and the room needs to be unfurnished because I don't have anywhere to fit my 4 pieces of furniture) and then, with the help of my aunt, figuring out which places would be good based on rent, location, commute (depends on if I have a car or not, which I probably wont), amenities and appliances included, lease type, etc. Then I'll contact the landlords/owners and arrange viewings and then get approved to move in. So my goal is to move out before October, though I'll be working hard to do it way sooner if possible.

I also had a little bit of a medical problem, but it's basically resolved. This week will be a lot easier and less busy.

Right now I'm focusing on housing, college research, getting a credit card and updating my fafsa, the last two of which are a one and done thing so I'll most likely complete those two tonight. So I will have a little bit of free time to answer your asks starting tomorrow and I'll try my hardest to do as much as I can in between my school, volleyball, and work. I'll be checking tonight if the mobile app will work, because if it does it will be 10× easier to answer asks on the go, the 10 min between classes, in the car when I'm not driving, during work breaks, etc.

Sorry again for ghosting and being inactive!! I'll also be reblogging more things from recovery accounts and other helpful things from other blogs. I still have a goal to make a hotline master post, but that'll have to be way later. Thank you for being patient and sticking with this account. You are all amazing, strong survivors, and I love each and every one of you 💚

-Jellyfish

[lycanstark-a]

i’m gonna take a shot in the dark and assume that the hurt feelings ( that are so obviously there ) is because maybe it took me a little too long to reply to something? or maybe i didn’t reply at all? i don’t know. usually, i ignore this kind of stuff ( unless i’m feeling ballsy ); but a friend of mine suggested that i post this. so here we go...

stuff like this, is why so many people leave this site. instead of being an adult and accepting that maybe our muses didn’t mesh well, or perhaps i had simply forgotten/lost a reply ( or even took a hiatus ), i get messages like this. now anyone who has taken the time to follow me, to get to know me, or even pays any attention to what i post, will know that i periodically throw up my thread tracker link so that EVERYONE can see it, and they can set me straight if i’ve forgotten something.

i don’t hound people for replies, i don’t guilt people, and i never make anyone feel less than human for simply not wanting to write with me. nor do i believe that i am someone that anyone HAS to write with, because simply, that is not the case. honestly, i don’t think i’m very good, so there’s that, but yanno.

everyone here is a living, breathing, person. it doesn’t matter to me if i get a reply in minutes, days, or months, or even if you drop it. i don’t expect you to come to me and tell me if you’re dropping it ( though it is appreciated ). i will wait, because i understand that what might be priority to me, may not be priority to someone else ( life man, it happens, and that’s okay ). or maybe muses are fickle, words wont come out properly in a way that the writer is satisfied with, etc. you do you and i will still adore the fuck out of you, regardless.

yes, i am mutuals only. yes, i am picky about who i follow. yes, i do take forever sometimes. yes, i forget to look at new followers. yes, i lose starter calls. yes, i have my favorites.

i am human.

nobody is ‘ elitist ’ based on how they choose to enjoy their experiences. that is personal preference and it should be respected.

i shouldn’t have to feel like when i reply to someone else, i’ve got someone stalking my blog(s), just waiting to kick me in the gut ( telling me the same things they’ve already said ). i shouldn’t feel like an asshole, when i’m not. i shouldn’t have to apologize for taking time off to decompress, and deal with my life. i shouldn’t have to feel like a dick for choosing to be mutuals only ( lemme say it again, that doesn’t make me elitist ). i shouldn’t be continuously getting these messages without a face to put with the words.

BUT I AM.

sad thing is, the anonymous sender, doesn’t care. and i am sorry. i’m sorry that i did something so bad to you, that you feel the need to stalk me from blog to blog, and make sure that i’m aware that you hate me. i’m sorry that i don’t even fucking know why, or what i did. but what i’m most sorry for, is the fact that after six fucking years, you’re still acting like a child behind a computer screen. it’s like no time has passed, and that’s sad to me, really it is.

you wanted HONESTY? well here it is, take it how you want it, i guess i’ll see you again for the next message you choose to send me. guess what, i still don’t hate you.

ahem, sorry everyone ( especially mobile users ; seeing as read mores don’t work half the time ), took the advice and aired this out. continue on with your regularly scheduled shenanigans. love you all.

— niccole / nikko

#☾┊ooc.「 behind the wolf 」 #negativity tw #( anon hate #i'm totally fine folks #i'm putting this under read more because it's long as fuck #i was mildly irritated #and i know damn well this person will see it. #they always do. )

[indigobxbe]

Answer me all 200 of those asks me boi

200: My crush’s name is: jake :)199: I was born in: michigan198: I am really: dumb197: My cellphone company is: virgin mobile196: My eye color is: poo brown195: My shoe size is: 7.5194: My ring size is: no ideA193: My height is: 5'5 now192: I am allergic to: gay shit191: My 1st car was: lol190: My 1st job was: i was like a busboy but girl then i was a hostess lmao yikes189: Last book you read: tkam188: My bed is: full of trash187: My pet: is a dog186: My best friend: doesnt know it185: My favorite shampoo is: really good184: Xbox or ps3: xbox?183: Piggy banks are: cute182: In my pockets: i have no pockets181: On my calendar: this month on the eight i have a thing says when my last nail broke :"(( i am thAt hoe(tm)180: Marriage is: gay179: Spongebob can: stop with the memes178: My mom: is short177: The last three songs I bought were? LOL176: Last YouTube video watched: moana film theory thing175: How many cousins do you have? like 7?? i dont know all of the ones in mexico so its probably more174: Do you have any siblings? 6173: Are your parents divorced? yea lol172: Are you taller than your mom? yES171: Do you play an instrument? clarinetty170: What did you do yesterday? went to the park &dyed eggs[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: not really lol168: Luck: no167: Fate: hhhhhyeah??166: Yourself:n o165: Aliens: yes164: Heaven: no163: Hell: nno162: God: no161: Horoscopes: no but i still read mine160: Soul mates: hhhhlogically no159: Ghosts: unsure158: Gay Marriage: oh not at all 157: War: idkdude156: Orbs: whathefuckisanorb155: Magic: not really[ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: hugs153: Drunk or High: drunk152: Phone or Online: phone lol151: Red heads or Black haired: black150: Blondes or Brunettes: brunettes149: Hot or cold: hot148: Summer or winter: summer147: Autumn or Spring: spring146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla145: Night or Day: night144: Oranges or Apples: apples143: Curly or Straight hair: i think curly hair is so prettydsklnffn142: McDonalds or Burger King: bk141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: milk chocolate140: Mac or PC: no preference139: Flip flops or high heals: neither?138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: fuckidk137: Coke or Pepsi: pepsi136: Hillary or Obama: obama135: Burried or cremated: cremated and then buried :)134: Singing or Dancing: both?why not133: Coach or Chanel: i d ont really care132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who131: Small town or Big city: big city pls130: Wal-Mart or Target: target129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: idk who the first is but i hate adam sandler128: Manicure or Pedicure: manicure, ,feet r gross127: East Coast or West Coast: east126: Your Birthday or Christmas: christmas125: Chocolate or Flowers: flowers124: Disney or Six Flags: disney123: Yankees or Red Sox: ewsports[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: its unnecessary most of the time lol121: George Bush: who120: Gay Marriage: hehgay119: The presidential election: heck trump my dude118: Abortion: sometimes u need that ykno117: MySpace: yeet116: Reality TV: guilty pleasure115: Parents: they try? questionably?114: Back stabbers:can heck off113: Ebay: useful112: Facebook: i h a te it111: Work:i want a job :(110: My Neighbors: white trash109: Gas Prices: idkdude108: Designer Clothes: why spend $300 when u can spend $20107: College: i want to go 106: Sports: succ105: My family:succs104: The future: scary[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: i think last night102: Last time you ate: few hours ago101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: today100: Cried in front of someone: tuesday lmao sry mrs jarrad99: Went to a movie theater: like a monht ago98: Took a vacation: like four years ago97: Swam in a pool: last year96: Changed a diaper: two(??) years ago95: Got my nails done: few months ago94: Went to a wedding: like a year ago93: Broke a bone: never have92: Got a peircing: last april91: Broke the law: thursday90: Texted: currently[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: myself dfkkjdn88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my sister87: The last movie I saw: doctor strange86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: 4/2085: The thing im not looking forward to: facing consequences 84: People call me: bel , bella , belly , isabel ew83: The most difficult thing to do is:wake up every morning 82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: false81: My zodiac sign is: capricorn80: The first person i talked to today was: my mom79: First time you had a crush: like third grade shdifjno78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: no one?77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: no idea 76: Right now I am talking to: friends75: What are you going to do when you grow up: suffer74: I have/will get a job: eventually 73: Tomorrow: i go to school72: Today: i suffer 71: Next Summer: hopefully wont be horrible70: Next Weekend: get to hang out w chill brother?69: I have these pets: 3 dog68: The worst sound in the world: me talking67: The person that makes me cry the most is: myself kwjqd66: People that make you happy: anyone that pays attention to me ojpwefo65: Last time I cried: tuesday64: My friends are: gay63: My computer is: suffering62: My School: is fucking gross61: My Car: doesnt exist60: I lose all respect for people who: are condescending 59: The movie I cried at was: perksofbeingawallflower lol58: Your hair color is: brown57: TV shows you watch: the office , voltron , stranger things , bobs burgers 56: Favorite web site: tumbler (dot)com55: Your dream vacation:farfar away54: The worst pain I was ever in was: in my head lol53: How do you like your steak cooked:i cant eat it lol52: My room is: dirty51: My favorite celebrity is: brian sella counts?50: Where would you like to be: a better place49: Do you want children: meh not really?48: Ever been in love: ye 47: Who’s your best friend: probably teara lol46: More guy friends or girl friends: girl45: One thing that makes you feel great is: personal lol44: One person that you wish you could see right now: hotass43: Do you have a 5 year plan: i dont even have a plan 4 tomorrow42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: no41: Have you pre-named your children: 40: Last person I got mad at: my brother39: I would like to move to: penn?38: I wish I was a professional: anything tbh[ My Favorites ]37: Candy: starbursts36: Vehicle: idkdude35: President: obama34: State visited: prbly texas bc we went thru it to mexico & we saw a big ol light up ferris wheel33: Cellphone provider: i dont know dude 32: Athlete: lol31: Actor: dwaynetherockjohnson30: Actress: ?whoknows29: Singer: does joji count?28: Band: car seat headrest atm27: Clothing store: heck if i knew 26: Grocery store: ?25: TV show: the office24: Movie: moana23: Website: already answered this?22: Animal: me21: Theme park: C E Dar point20: Holiday: halloween19: Sport to watch: soccer actually18: Sport to play: none lol17: Magazine: no16: Book: no15: Day of the week: saturdays14: Beach: idk dude any on lake michigan is lit13: Concert attended: havent been to any :"(12: Thing to cook: idk dude11: Food: french Fry10: Restaurant: whoknnows9: Radio station: i dont /really/ like any ive heard8: Yankee candle scent: idkdude7: Perfume: b&bw tahitian island dream? smthn like that 6: Flower: i actually like regular red roses tbh5: Color: purple4: Talk show host: hhidk 3: Comedian: me2: Dog breed: call me a weaboo but i love the shibe1: Did you answer all these truthfully? no loli am so sorry to anyone who has this on their dash omgty for the ask mommy :)