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besidemethewholedamntime · 4 years

Text

of meetings and partings

A T/Z reunion in Cairo. Canon compliant to 17x10.

I didn’t expect to be here again but here we are. I hope you enjoy!

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Or read below!

The apartment is cold.

It makes her shiver. She’s never liked the cold. After so many years in America she thought she was used to it, but her years in her natural climate have left her unable to be as impervious as she once was and now she feels the slight draught like an icy breeze on her skin.

It was not cold on the street though, or in the market, or any of the number of other places she has been since the shivering started. Ziva can pretend to herself it’s the cold all she wants, but the truth is something much deeper. It’s the withdrawal that makes her shiver, only this is no drug that makes her shake as violently as she does. This is a mother without her daughter; her body strains towards her little girl only she is nowhere to be found.

There’s a creak. It is nothing more than that but instantly every cell in her body is alert, grateful for something else to do. She grabs her knife from underneath her meagre pillow, gripping the handle so tightly that her fingers turn white. She is a mother with no child. Nothing may hurt her anymore.

The door opens and she throws the knife and suddenly, suddenly, there is Tony standing in the doorway with their daughter in a pram by his side.

He looks at her and she looks at him and the knife vibrates in the doorframe, humming like a tuning fork between them.

Tony’s mouth is set in a grim line. “Hello, sweetcheeks,” he says, not an ounce of love in it.

-x-

Her eyes narrow at him, an involuntary reaction caused by his unexpected appearance.

“Why are you here?” She hisses. “I did not want to be found.”

“Yeah, well…” he begins to cast his eye around the dingy room. “Looks like I found you anyway.”

-x-

“You should go,” she says, though she aches to hold their daughter, feel that heavy weight in her arms. It’s only been two weeks, and she’d prepared herself for much longer, but if they don’t go right now then she won’t have the strength to watch them leave later.

“Oh no.” He holds up a hand. “No.You don’t get to send me away. Not a second time.”

She looks at him, properly looks at him. His hair is all over the place, he looks like he hasn’t slept in days. He’s in jeans and a shirt that are beyond rumpled and she wonders if he’s even stopped since he landed in Cairo. She doubts it.

“I want to explain to you,” she says, embarrassed that there are tears in her voice. “I do. But it is not safe for you here. You have to go. Please.”

Tony stops at that, and looks at her in that way that makes her feel as though he can see right through her. He narrows his eyes. “What’s got you so scared, Ziva? Why are you so afraid?”

Her mouth opens and closes like a fish as she realises that, honestly, she has no idea what to say.

-x-

He waits for an answer.

She’s began to pace up and down the small room, agitation increasing the longer they stay here. It is not safe! He’s being impertinent, a child. He demands answers and thinks this is another one of their games, that they can play and the only people they will hurt are themselves. She is not being deliberately difficult but it’s not just them anymore can’t he see? They have someone else to think of now.

“I know you want answers, Tony.’ She changes tack, trying to reason now. “And believe me, I do want to give them to you. But it is not safe for you here. They must think I am dead and they must not know that she exists! I am sorry, but that is just the way it has to be.”

She has begun to shout at some point and as soon as Tony opens his mouth for a probably equally indignant response their daughter lets out a thin, sleepy wail. Immediately Ziva steps towards her daughter, but is instantly halted by Tony, who holds up a finger and moves to Tali’s side.

“Hey there,” he say softly, bending over her. “Look who’s awake.” He picks her up and the tenderness with which he does so causes Ziva’s heart to melt. “Look who I got for you.”

Tali rubs her eyes. She doesn’t know English yet and looks around aimlessly before she settles on her mother. The change in her face is instantaneous and the way her eyes light up and she beams so brightly is something Ziva will treasure forever.

“Ima!” She cries, squirming in her father’s arms. “Ima!”

Ziva moves to her then and Tony releases her without hesitation. The familiar feeling of Tali in her arms soothes her for just a moment, and she presses her daughter close to her chest, wishing for all the world she could tuck her inside her heart and keep her there forever.

She checks Tali over, an unconscious habit again, and as her hands skim over Tali’s legs she finds a plaster over her knee in the shape of a heart. Ziva’s lips tremble. Tali hates plasters.

“You did this?” She says to Tony, who stands with his arms crossed, eyes never leaving Tali.

“Yeah. Figured out the hard way how much she dislikes them but there was no fuss once I cut it into the heart shape.”

She always knew Tony would have been a good father. From the beginning, even when he had no idea of her existence, she would have trusted him with Tali completely.

“You are a natural,” she says softly. Tali leans her head into Ziva’s shoulder, and begins sucking her thumb gently.

He smiles like he can’t help himself. “Thanks. It’s, uh, it’s not as terrifying as I thought it would be.”

She laughs. “You are lying.”

“Yeah, I am.” His gaze turns from her and back to their daughter and it is the most tender thing she has ever seen. She wishes she could bottle it, this rush of love she feels for him in her chest. It will be so hard to let him go. “It’s the most terrifying thing in the world but it’s also kind of special? Never knew it could feel like this.”

Tony is just now finding out what she found out the second Tali was placed in her arms. Through their jobs they have protected and defended people, killed for them and almost died for them. It’s is entirely different for a child. An instinct, unlike anything else she has ever known. A love. She has never known a love like it.

Well… except maybe for him.

“It is special,” she agrees softly. “Very special.”

And they don’t talk for a while after that. There’s nothing left to say.

-x-

She has to explain eventually of course.

They sit down for that, Tali still clinging to Ziva like a limpet. She savours it with all she has. This only goes one way today and it can’t be the three of them leaving as a happy family. Not just yet.

“I’d have been there in a second,” Tony says shakily, his voice hoarse. It makes her ache. He reaches for her hand. “If I’d known I- I would have came.”

“I know,” she tells him as he becomes blurry through the tears in her eyes. “And that is why I could not tell you. You could not come.’

“I don’t care, Ziva. About all of this. I want to help you. I need to help you.”

His voice has the same urgency, the same tone it did that day in the orange grove, when he found her once again when she didn’t want to be found. And, just like then, she can’t give him the answer he is looking for.

“This isn’t about you,” she tells him, as gently as she can. “And this isn’t about me. We cannot think about ourselves anymore.”

Tony reaches out and gently touches Tali’s face that drools on Ziva’s shoulder. When she was pregnant she used to dream of them being a family, a proper one. If she survives this, if Tony finds it in his heart to forgive her… It’s a lot of ifs but it’s all she has.

“Okay, Ziva,” he sighs, sounding so very tired.. “I get it. Just… just promise this isn’t the last time, yeah? Promise me we’ll see each other again.”

She nods, bottom lip trembling uncontrollably. “Yes,” she whispers thickly. “I promise.”

He holds her eyes until it seems he is satisfied with her promise and then he nods and doesn’t move his hand away from Tali’s head.

“Why are you here?”

It bursts from her, that old favourite question of theirs. But she just has to know. She kept his daughter from him and sent him away and still he keeps on coming. What would she have to do, she wonders? What would she have to become? “You always insist on finding me when it is just not sensible.”

Tony sighs and gently strokes their daughter’s cheek. “Yeah, well, I’ve never really been all that sensible when it come to you.”

-x-

They are getting ready to leave.

Ziva says nothing, letting Tony take a sleeping Tali gently from her arms and place her back in the pram. Her poor, poor daughter. She will wake up and her ima will be gone again and this will all be but a dream. Perhaps it’s better that way. There’s been a lot of perhaps today.

Tony takes his time and she cannot tell whether it is in deference to her or to himself. She remembers when she first met him, how insufferable and childish and handsome she found him. If she had known, then, what they would do to each other, what they would become, would she have done anything differently?

Some days she wishes she could go back, but then she remembers her daughter’s eyes and knows that, even if she had the chance, she never could.

“Well,” he says eventually, standing straight, stiff. “I guess it’s time.”

“Yes,” she agrees. “I suppose it is.”

An attack of passion or insanity she will decide later, but he steps towards her and quite suddenly she finds herself in his arms again. He is gentle but there is a desperation there. He is a sinking man and in this moment he is using her as a lifeline. For a moment she lets him.

“We’re gonna fix this,” he says, his voice full of tears that she will pretend she cannot hear. Her mind brings up an elevator, salty cheeks and sad, sad eyes and hey, we’re gonna get him.

She shakes her head into his chest. “You do not know that. You cannot possibly know that.”

“Yes, I do.” He lets go of her, tilts her chin up gently with soft fingers. His face is set, determined. He looks so sure that she almost believes him.

“I am… sorry, Tony,” she says at length. “I am so sorry.”

“I know you are.” Some of the tightness around his mouth disappears. “So am I.”

They are older now, and tired. The way they used to be seems so ridiculous but back then they had no idea, how could they? Sitting and pondering over the what ifs and the different paths they might have taken will only make them crazy and sad. They have a daughter now. Nothing else matters except her.

Ziva will live. She will fight. She wants a proper conversation, a proper chance to say all the things she’s been too scared to until now. This conviction gives her the strength to smile though she wants to cry and to say, “You should go.”

He nods curtly. Taking the pram he begins to walk to the door, and she follows behind him, willing herself not to cry.

At the last second he turns around, a sad look in his eyes. “This is not easy,” he warns.

Flashes of another life, another time enter her head. Oh God, she loves him and Tali so much she could die from it. How terrible and how brilliant to be cursed with such a love as this.

“I know,” she says a length, voice wavering with every word. “But one day there shall be an end to all of this. I will finish it.” She looks at their sleeping daughter. “For her.”

He nods, coming closer. There’s a hand on her face, strong and gentle, and she closes her eyes as she leans into the touch she has craved for so long.

“Count to a million,” he whispers. “It’s on its way.”

There’s a kiss on her forehead, light as a feather, and when she can bear to open her eyes, they are gone.

#tiva #ncis #ziva david #tony dinozzo #fanfic by moi

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