#i’ve texted multiple ppl today

[misathinks]

this little trend is so cute omg

but I don’t have a bf…or a husband… so,

things my situationship (?) does that are very Porter coded ♡

obsessed with cars and when I told him I just wanted a regular ford pickup he called me boring and rolled his eyes

“oh btw I won’t be in class today” “what? you’re leaving me? why?” “you’re acting a lot like you’d miss me sir!!” “and what if I did?”

proceeded to FaceTime me while he was sitting in said class

called me emo after I told him my quince dress was black. Mind you I’ve never seen him in anything else BUT black.

threw me over his shoulder and spun me around after I told him I’d be too heavy

Bullied me for my braids the whole day, then, “maybe I should put a hat on.” “Why?” “dunno.” “Do you actually think they look bad?? Never listen to me again”

puts his headphones on me at random times to show off his “hardcore” music taste (rap), but he was in Faye Webster’s top listeners for 2023… also thinks I don’t know this

“hey I love my little pony!!” “honestly??” “yeah, Twilight Sparkle is goated”

remembers almost every episode and its plot, including Equestria Girls

swears up and down he’s a “lover” but has played multiple girls in the past

Interestingly enough though hasn’t talked to anybody but me since we met. Very surprising

“I don’t see the issue you have with me tbh” “get off my cellphone please.” “lemme hit? :/”

gets mad at me if I open doors for him. “I am not going through there.” “you’re beyond difficult.” And then opens the door for me instead

acts nonchalant and tough with his friends and other ppl and then sweet to me

would be endearing if he didn’t join them making fun of me sometimes

says he doesn’t mean it afterwards

“I told you to never call me again. ” “…if I get you Wendy’s will you forgive me?” “yes actually!”

had horrible cramps once and he kept his hand on my stomach for an hour while working because I told him it helped

notices little things like my texting habits and the tone of my voice…He knows what he’s doing. Bastard.

“*talking about my research project*” “you like… smile with your eyes.” “I do?” “yeah.” “oh.” “sorry, I just like to look at you. Keep going.”

please help me.

tbh tho he could be Vincent if he tried.

#redacted asmr #redacted audio #redactedverse #redacted porter #I don’t know why I still talk to him #he has big eyes that’s why. damn #dw I’m self aware ik hes toxic #hopefully he comes to his senses bc we could be married with two kids by now 😞 #Also if this isn’t porter-esque.. bare w me #haven’t even listened to the summit audio

[handcat]

i love talking to people and acting normal <3

#zoloft posting again #i’ve texted multiple ppl today #i’m so powerful and sexc #for context social anxiety previously made texting someone absolutely terrifying to the point i lost friends bc i couldn’t speak to them #but now i am able to kind of communicate!!! #kind of upsetting that if i had gotten treatment earlier i wouldn’t have lost those friends but at least i’m getting it now #bc i really like my friends and i could not stand to lose more people to my anxiety! #gettin a bit too into that lol let’s back up #cannot WAIT to be able to act normal at the grocery store #and be able to go out without having a breakdown #and joke with my friends without being as trrrified that they hate me #incredible #this post is sponsored by zoloft #my post

[whomst-art-thou-whomst-whomst]

Texts from the Lost Tomb, part 5.4

I swear folks once I get this and the last part up I’m gonna condense it all

But yeah couldn’t resist some <3

Zhang and Wu Chat

Wu Xie: Um. I’m all done with the shower if you want a turn.

Zhang Qiling: I’m alright without one.

Wu Xie: sooo are you pissed at me still?

Zhang Qiling: ? I have not been angry with you since the ladder incident.

Wu Xie: you’ve barely said anything since the necklace thingy

Zhang Qiling: I believe it is a long-running joke amongst my friend group that I do not, in fact, say much.

Wu Xie: okay but there are multiple gouges in the tea house walls that would suggest you had somewhat strong feelings today

and I kinda caused the events that sparked said feelings

so just checking in you know

Zhang Qiling: I was not angry so much as I was afraid. More afraid than I’ve been in a long time.

Wu Xie: ??? But it has worked out fine??? Everyone made it out alive and Uncle Erbai gets to feel morally superior to the Zhang family for a while so today was a win overall

Zhang Qiling: I heard you scream. I didn’t know what had happened. I couldn’t get to you right away. Therefore, I was afraid.

Wu Xie: ohhhhh. oh, Xiao Ge. It’s alright now—hey the necklace was actually helping u look out for me:) It’s not like those ppl were actually trying to hurt me, really. Your family isn’t so bad, at least you don’t have any uncles you know of

today was just some big misunderstandings wrapped in some poor life choices. Tbh my memoir title

I feel kind of stupid for screaming but when a glowing necklace wraps itself around your neck it’s a little uhoh moment lol

I did like the design tho def my aesthetic.

Zhang Qiling: I am pleased that it was able to protect you when I was not.

Wu Xie: Uh no you are not allowed to get all emo abt this it’s only like 3pm

damn time flies when it’s flashing before your eyes lol

Are you on the roof? You’re def on the roof. I thought I heard the tiles moving over my head. Come down or I’m coming up.

Zhang Qiling: I will be down in a moment. Do not come outside, it’s cold and raining.

Wu Xie: you know, Zhang Rishan said he thinks the necklace might be linked to you, somehow

something from long ago, even though you wouldn’t remember it.

It’s lucky that it liked me, huh:)

Zhang Qiling: Yes. Quite lucky.

Babysitters Club Chat

Wang Pangzi: AWW LOOK AT HIM NAPPING ON YOUR SHOULDER SO CUTE. BEBES HAD A BIG DAY. YOU TWO ARE PRECIOUS. BE GOOD AND POSE FOR THE PICTURE NOW.

Zhang Qiling: No. Also, I am considering what steps I should take with Zhang Rishan. Regardless of his concern for the Zhang family line, his actions were unacceptable.

Wang Pangzi: HES DROOLING A LITTLE ON YOU WHICH IS LESS CUTE BUT I CAN CROP THAT PART

LOOK I KNOW YOURE STILL PISSED. IM NOT EXACTLY CALM MYSELF, I JUST HAVE WAYS TO SKIRT AROUND TIANZHENS BULLSHIT FILTER THAT YOU LACK

GET ON MY LEVEL

WU ERBAI WILL HANDLE IT, THINGS HAVE SETTLED I THINK

BUT ABOUT THAT NECKLACE

SO INTERESTING HMMM

Zhang Qiling: I am the patriarch of my family. The necklace behaved as I would, apparently, to protect a vulnerable family member. Wu Xie’s bad cold last week activated it, and it responded to a perceived danger to him today. Simple enough.

Wang Pangzi: UH HUH

A FAMILY MEMBER

THE NECKLACE REALLY SAID LOVE WINS

TOLKIEN COULD NEVER

Zhang Qiling: It protected him on a technicality. But I will not allow him to bear the burdens of my family ever again. It has taken so much from him already.

Wang Pangzi: YEAH SURE BLAH BLAH DESTINY BLAH BLAH ANGST

“A TECHNICALITY” WOW WHO SAID ROMANCE WAS DEAD

ANYHOO IM SCREENSHOTTING THIS FOR UR WEDDING RECEPTION SLIDESHOW

YA KNOW DURING MY SPEECH

Friends of Wu Xie Support Group Chat

Hei Yangjing: you’re welcome for everything today<3 I accept PayPal, although of course it is always my honor to assist my friends:)

Wang Pangzi: WE ARENT PAYING YOU SHIT

Zhang Qiling: You did absolutely nothing.

Hei Yangjing: whoa whoa maybe I wasn’t threatening family members or busting up load-bearing walls like some undying divas I could name but I totes helped

or at least I was there for moral support maybe?

Zhang Qiling: The only reason I knew you were there at all was that as I lowered my blade from Zhang Rishan’s neck, I heard the camera click and saw you were taking a selfie making a peace sign, angled to have the two of us in the background.

Xie Yuchen: I saw it on social media just now. The caption is “#greatdaycatchingupwiththelads #blessed”

Wang Pangzi: TBH KIND OF JEALOUS I DIDNT THINK TO DO THAT

Hei Hangjing: okay yeah you see Xiao Ge that is a modern kind of help I should’ve known you wouldn’t be aware

It’s called performance, you wouldn’t understand

it’s a ‘Gram thing

Also it means I’m a great person

Bc letting you handle the situation was my gift to you

Zhang Qiling: Wu Xie mentioned there is something called “blocking ppl” that gets them out of my phone.

Hei Yangjing: nah

Can’t trust that Wu Xie, bae can’t tell a coffin from an urn amirite

it’s not a thing, blocking

Xie Yuchen: It is a thing. I’ll show you later, Zhang Qiling.

Wang Pangzi: YOU BOYS GO GET CLEANED UP AND COME BY AROUND 9 I SNAGGED SOME OF ZHANG RISHANS BOOZE ON THE WAY OUT

Bonnie and Clyde Chat

Hei Yangjing: you looked pretty comfortable in those handcuffs earlier ;););)

Xie Yuchen: Go to sleep, idiot.

Hei Yangjing: You’d have to do something to tire me out ;););)

Xie Yuchen: Are you like this around Wu Xie? Not that I care, I’m just asking.

Hei Yangjing: uh that’s a big nope

First off all Idk when I’ll die but Id prefer it to be on my terms and not at the hands of those other two

Secondly there is a part of me that remembers how adorable he was when he was younger and that makes it weird

(No offense but u were not adorable. He was bebe luke skywalker, you were bebe princess leia I am obvs Han Solo 4lyfe)

Also I’m a little scared that if i flirted with him and he flirted back he’d be better at it.

Xie Yuchen: All valid concerns.

Hei Yangjing: as cute as he is I don’t really wanna tap that.

Xie Yuchen: I see.

Hei Yangjing: do you tho

Main Chat

Wu Xie: okay folks who wants cocoa to top the evening off? I picked some up today:D

Wang Pangzi: UH YOU SPENT YOUR DAY BEING KIDNAPPED AND PLACATING A SENTIENT NECKLACE WHEN DID YOU HAVE TIME TO GET GROCERIES

FRANKLY THATS INTIMIDATING

Wu Xie: the tea house gift shop:)

Wang Pangzi: …YOU BOUGHT COCOA FROM YOUR KIDNAPPERS. FROM THEIR GIFT SHOP. DURING YOUR KIDNAPPING.

WU XIE

WU XIE WHY

Wu Xie: I mean we were there the whole day, it felt impolite not to buy anything.

Wang Pangzi: OH RIGHT GREAT POINT ID HATE TO BE RUDE TO THEM AFTER THEY WENT TO THE TROUBLE OF ABDUCTING US

LISTEN WHEN PPL STEAL YOU IT BECOMES FREE REIGN ON THEIR SHIT

UGH YOU PROBABLY GOT A RECEIPT AND EVERYTHING

WAS UR LITTLE SHOPPING TRIP BEFORE OR AFTER THEY STUCK U IN A DUNGEON TO EXPERIMENT ON YOU

WAIT NVM I DONT WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT

Wu Xie: look, let’s focus on the positives/ we are all okay, and we learned something new, that necklace is still active! It’s really quite nice-looking when it isn’t moving of its own volition.

Wang Pangzi: YOU AND YOUR RELENTLESS DUCKING OPTIMISM

ZHANG QILING ARE YOU SEEING THIS

Zhang Qiling: I would love some cocoa. I’ll come to the kitchen.

Wu Xie: I have special marshmallows for you!!

Wang Pangzi: I SEE

WE ARE SUBSCRIBING TO THE PRESTIGIOUS “FUCK IT WHY NOT” SCHOOL OF THOT TONIGHT

LOL SURE LETS GO COCOA IT UP

IVE GOT SOMETHING STRONG TO POP IN IT

Wu Xie: Still thinking about that design… I’d love another chance to examine that necklace under less Zhangy circumstances.

Kinda sad we couldn’t borrow it to use for illnesses and dangerous missions :/

ah well it’s for the best, a family heirloom should be treasured, preserved and protected<3

Zhang Qiling: I put it on your dresser.

Wu Xie: ???????

Wang Pangzi: AND THATS WHY YOU AND I ARE FRIENDS, XIAOGE <3

Wu Xie: I—

Zhang Qiling: Are those bunny-shaped marshmallows for me?

#whomst #ultimate note #wu xie #dmbj #the lost tomb #pingxie #iron triangle #dmemebj

[inklingofadream]

✍✍🦆🦆🦆✍✍!

Hey, sometimes I get ppl in my fic comments asking why/how when I’m on an update kick I get so many out in such quick succession and the answer is a) i lack the self control to keep stuff in resever but MORE IMPORTANTLY b) I use a writing website/game called 4thewords

It’s got quests and little creatures you “fight” by writing a certain number of words in a given timeframe, and a streak mechanic that’s been really good for helping me get something down every day, since the goal is only 444 words instead of something like NaNoWriMo’s goal. There are forums and you can dress up your avatar and house, all the stuff that makes a lot of cell phone games really addictive but with like! productivity! About once a month they do some kind of special event (ie for Valentine’s day, Pride month, NaNo), and there’s one starting today!

I figured it would be a good time to mention them on my blog again bc I am the Most excited:

[id: a screenshot of an illustration of a rubber duck wearing a hat and white text on a navy background reading “The Pazka Clan of Ducks has been spotted flying close to Mama Tree! They will soon make landfall and officially Kick off Our week-long celebration!” /end id]

so this is both a note that there’s Hope for fic updates, bc i’m super excited for this event bc ducks have been my favorite animal since I was a baby (my first word was duck. i had multiple duck-themed birthday parties. i’m so excited) and a semi-regular recommendation that you check them out!

It’s a paid service, but it only costs $4/month and you start with a 30 day free trial! If you sign up with a referral code (mine is BKDRX51820) then if you decide to continue to a paid subscription you get a referral bonus of the in-game currency used to pay for subscription time (and exclusive avatar/house accessories etc if you feel like it) equivalent to 2 weeks of subscription, and the person who referred you gets a month’s worth bonus! It doesn’t change anything else about your account, you don’t have to idk add ur referrer to ur friends list or give a different kind of identifying info or anything, it’s just a fun bonus

I really really like this site, it has its flaws but I feel like the developers’ hearts are in the right place. If you decide you like the site, they have stuff like a community pool people donate subscription time to so that people in a financial bind can use the site, and I’ve seen them note world events with notes that users effected who let them know via email can have their subscription time and streak frozen until things calm down. Plus you get to spread your internet presence out away from the 4 sites where everything happens these days, to one with anonymity and pseudonyms, which I find really soothing and refreshing.

Also if you decide it’s going to be one of your go-to writing sites, you’re already on there, or you’ve taken my recommendation in the past, lmk/send me a friend request! I’m paperdream over there, same as I am most places! Just make sure you let me know who you are offsite if you use a different username, so I don’t make a fool of myself 😂

#writing #writeblr #4thewords #ink post #image described #ducks! #rec

[simonsrosebud]

heyyyyyyy

so basically this week has been v stressful for me (this post is mainly so i can rant and get it out of my system).... 

ab 5 days ago i saw my 3 friends from home (i go to college in west virginia but im from new jersey hehe) did an xmas gift exchange without me and i don't care for getting gifts bc im not like that but i was just a lil upset that i wasn’t involved or invited in general (which is smth that has happened often) so i told my one friend (fake names) sydney how i felt left out and sometimes unwanted or whatever just in general bc i know they talk & have a chat without me for no reason.  and i said u know i get it im at school away from u guys but i’ve said before u know i like hearing what’s going on w u guys idc if u talk ab hometown stuff in a chat with me.  

sydney basically disregarded my message and misunderstood it as me being mad that we don’t hang out a lot during a pandemic which, uh, is not true.  it was just ab a chat and how i wished they reached out more while im away bc i reached out and didn't get that in return.  so then she brought up “and u have a large family and i can't keep track of them so don't get pissed for not wanting to hang w u” which- woah.  don't bring my family into this when u have no idea what they do, and also bc it's just not what i’m talking ab.  dude, we were just talking ab a group chat on our phones.

granted, if she'd told me this as a heads up when i came home for the winter i would’ve taken it better, but the way she used it was kinda as an excuse and it was just irrelevant anyway.

she got mad and i said “okay i’m done” and she told me im reckless about covid and that “none of us talked with each other u weren't special”.  girl, i’m far from special i know that.  but don’t lie to me bc i see u post pics hanging with (more fake names) julie and carly often.  i didn't say this bc it wasn’t worth my time, i let it go and accepted that we now weren't friends bc once sydney has a minor argument with someone they’re dead to her.

so then there’s carly, who was my best friend but had also not talked w me a lot since i went to college in august.  i knew in the back of my mind that carly would follow sydney and that i’d probably lose the whole group from one argument bc that's how sydney works.  but i kept my hopes up and today i texted her just ab something random just like oh haha i saw this the other day, and she was all like “how r u gonna do all this and txt me like nothing happened?”.  and i explain that yes me and sydney had a fight but not u and i.  my sister apparently blocked them all on instagram but i literally only found out when she told me so i was v taken back and apologized for that, and when she said “it doesn't matter she still did it” i was like really?  ur gonna blame me for something im not in control of or didn't even know of until right now?  and finally i txt u like nothing happened bc i don't want to put u in an awk position in the middle of it.  we go back and forth, me explaining that i was talking ab a chat in the first place and she eventually tells me how well its also hard for them to interact with someone who said that hanging w us is a chore.

yes, i did say this once.  but i said it to only her only ab the first time we hung out (socially distanced outside) when i came home for the winter.  i called her a few days after to tell her how i was confused when i saw her w ppl inside a friend’s house when she told me she couldn’t do that.  i explained that it was hard to go somewhere new knowing no one and to have radio silence from them when i’d put the effort in and not get it back, so seeing them that day when i came home almost felt like a chore bc i didn't know how they felt ab me and bc it felt weird to see them after that silence.  she was sympathetic and said u know yes i understand that and all- but here she is using it against me when i told her that while crying on the phone.

i tell her this- that that doesn't make sense or add up (im sparing lots of details) and that for her to take something i told her in a state of such vulnerability and use it against me was not okay and not an excuse she can make esp when this all started ab a group chat, it just didn't FIT.  and her response was well “all we do is argue ab this stuff.  at this point it is clear that this just isn’t working out anymore”

imagine someone saying that about your 6 years of friendship just because you tried telling another friend that sometimes you felt left out and like u were outcasted from the group.  that's why she said “all we do is argue ab this”, bc i’ve had the will to bring up the fact that they quite frankly treat me like nothing multiple times.  we don’t argue, i told u how i felt and u think i’m attacking u.  imagine your best friend telling you “good luck at school but we can’t be friends anymore bc u and sydney had an argument and i don't feel like putting in the effort to be a better friend to u”

idk that's just what it’s felt like.

so today has been quite the day for me.  or the week, rather.

if anyone got this far into this post, kudos and give me a quick kalton prompt to do in reward for reading it all LOL.

#this is super duper long #sorry #its ab friend stuff #needed to rant

[metamookii]

okay time to talk about the Before School thing i did today bc i had some pretty Entertaining experiences !!!!

got to a starbucks at around 3:05 . got an iced green tea with honey . very tastey , very good , very caffeinated .

walked over to the school itself at around 3:20ish.

got into the school, did some fucking Math activity in one room, which was rlly awkward cos when it was my turn to do all the math i had a really hard time and tried to get everyone in my group to skip me

then went for like a . “scavenger hunt” around the school w a group of some ppl i knew from elementary [ one more nice and cool and two a little less fun to talk to ] and got recognized by someone i haven’t seen in years which was rlly awkward

went out to the school garden . they were passing out rice krispies and other snacks so i took a rice krispy and i ate it rlly fast cos i was so hungry but i wasn’t feelin it . too much . i was very lonely because no Friends or ppl i could have Fun with were there . and i was not being Interacted with . so i was Upset

then ! the Fun part started ….. the group in the garden lined up into two groups and played telephone several times . but the seniors + juniors running the telephone game were quite Entertaining . because once i was at the beginning of the line and they were telling me the phrase i was to pass onto the rest of the line, they mentioned that we were all girlbosses . i asked “actually can i be gaslight” . they laughed and thought i was funny .

THEN THEN THEN one of them said “oh …. and are u “ AND DID THE LIMP WRIST MOTION and bc i think half of these ppl were Visibly queer i was like “haha i mean look at my outfit i’ve been trying to Signal to others all day” LDJOAGWBD BUT I WAS SO EXCITED I WAS LIKE HOOOOOOY SHIT THEYRE COOL and they were like “lol yeah we’re” limp wrist “too” it was Great

Then . they asked me what my name was . and i panicked because i just have So many and for these visibly cool ppl i don’t wanna say my deadname ofc . so i floundered around for a bit and looked around me and i saw a stick so i blurted out “STICK” [ yes . cliche . i know ] and they were like “lol nice”

and i was still at the front of the line for a while so when it was my turn Again because we were playing several times they beckoned me over by saying “YOU , THE FRUITY ONE”

and then they asked my pronouns and i mumbled something like “egghfjjhghjjjhhhhhhhhhgghh” and they were like “Nice .” and one of them [ who i also saw at orientation a week ago ] Also has multiple names and uses any prns but like u could NEVER TELL KDKOAGW

then they all called me stick when i left … So fun ….

AND THEN WHEN I GOT ON THE BUS TO LEAVE , THE PERSON W ALL TJE NAMES AND STUFF GOT ON TOO AND WE STARTED TALKING AND THEY R SO COOL and they were also on my TRAIN RIDE so now we have exchanged DISCORDS and they’re also a junior so it’s good to have upperclassman friends . we were talking All bus ride + train ride it was So fun . i even forgot to text my parents i got on the train in the first place cos i was too busy talking . Helof

throughout the day i got compliments on my earrings Twice which were actually handmade by a friend of my moms in czech and that is :] and i think the first half of the day was super miserable and i was wallowing in doubt and pity but the latter half . YAYA and i have another day tomorrow and the day after that ^^

#cw food

[bettsfic]

socknography: the importance of preserving fan creator biographical data

i wrote earlier on utilizing collections and bookmarks to boost the archival power of ao3, and in that post mentioned how i wish authors would fill out their bios so we can preserve fanauthor information as well as we preserve the fics themselves. so, here is my rant about WHY WE ARE SO IMPORTANT.

for my masters thesis i wrote about the layered pseudonymity of fanfiction authors, and after doing a ton of research, i find myself still thinking of the pseudonymous/anonymous divide as it pertains to fic. we have authors we consider “famous” and ones whose followings eclipse that of traditionally published authors, but unlike traditionally published authors, we don’t put a handy bio at the end of our fics. in fact, if you want to find out about the author, you have to hope they’ve linked somewhere to their tumblr or twitter or dreamwidth, or they have consistent pseuds across platforms. and from there, you have to hope they have an ‘about me.’ but most, myself included, don’t.

unlike traditional publication -- where amazon and goodreads and even the back of the book contains biographical info -- and even unlike the rest of fandom archival etiquette -- which, despite having virtually no committed rules still maintains its organizational structure -- there is no standard etiquette on fanauthor biographical data. 

i speculate the reasons fanauthors are hesitant to write their own biographies is very complicated: 

there is no “ask” for it or existing standard. when i publish stories under my real name, i’m required to provide my bio, which contains my accomplishments, where i got my degree, where else i’m published, and my website. all literary author bios follow this formula, so they’re pretty easy to write. other than this post, i have never seen a request for fanauthor bios. so without an editor demanding it, and without a standard formula or platform to draw from, a total lack of information becomes the norm, and almost any info other than the standard “name. age. pronouns. ao3 name. list of fandoms and/or pithy one-liner” of tumblr or occasional ask game is seen as a deviation from the norm. even ask games get a bad rep sometimes, and they’re transitory, a post you see as you’re scrolling through to somewhere else, not static, like a dedicated profile page.

pseudonymity veers too close to anonymity. an anonymous author cannot have a biography. a pseudonymous author can, but biographies may be seen as defeating the purpose of writing under a pseudonym, or multiple pseuds. a sock account is a sock for a reason -- you don’t want it associated with your main. moreover, i believe fandom creates an environment in which to acknowledge your accomplishments and promote your own content is seen as narcissistic. fanfiction can sometimes be seen as a genre of selflessness, donating time and energy into a community centered around a shared canon, not personal gain. to acknowledge the self publicly is to invite attention, and attention is contradictory to anonymity.

shame and humility. the more information you have on the internet, the easier you are to find. very few fanauthors use their real names, or feel comfortable connecting their fan identity to their real one. i hear pretty constantly how often fanauthors hide their fannishness from their coworkers and loved ones, how only the people closest to them know they write/read fanfic. moreover, you might think “my most popular fic only has 10 kudos and 1 comment, nobody wants to know about me” (which is so not true, but i’ll get to that in a minute).

fandom is constantly changing. with a central archive for fanfiction in place, it’s easier now to be in multiple fandoms at once than it ever has been. if you want to read all sugar daddy fics, there’s a tag for that, and if you’re not picky about canon, you have an entire buffet of fandoms to choose from. communities are growing and shifting and changing shape. i move fandoms, and i keep my friends and readers from previous fandoms. i get dragged to new fandoms frequently. my interests and inspirations change, but i don’t erase my history or identity every time i move, i only add to it. i am always betts whether i’m in star wars or the 100 or game of thrones. but if you only read my fic, you don’t know the stories behind it. many people don’t know i entered fandom in the brony convention community in 2012, or that i was sadrobots before i was betty days before i was betts, or how fandom changed my life and led me through a path of personal trauma recovery, or that i co-founded wayward daughters, or ran the fanauthor workshop, or all these other things about fanfic that is not fanfic itself. 

if you are a fan creator, your fannish personal narrative matters. telling your story helps preserve the metatextual history of our genre.

i think constantly about what our genre will look like in 30 or 50 years, if it will be like other genres that began as subversions of the mainstream: comic books, beat literature, science fiction. genres that, at the time involved groups of friends creating stories for each other, bouncing ideas off of one another, experimenting with or distorting other genres, and which became, over time, well-regarded forms with rich histories. 

maybe one day, like the MCU, we’ll have a dedicated production company that churns out adaptations of longform coffee shop aus written between 2009 and 2015. maybe “BNFs” will be read in high school literature curriculums. maybe our work will end up on the real or virtual shelves of our great grandchildren. and if that happens, if fanfic goes entirely mainstream, how will fanfic authorship be perceived? how will fanpeople in 2080, if humanity is still around by then, interact with the lexicon we’ve created and preserved? what would you do if you found out Jane Austen wrote under five different sock accounts across three platforms over the span of twenty years? how would you, a fan of Pride & Prejudice, even begin to find all of her work?

we have so many social constraints pushing against us. there’s purity culture, which encourages further division of identity -- fanauthors may write fluff on their main and have various sock accounts for underage/noncon fics. if you’re a scarecrow, you’re much harder for a mob to attack. there’s misogyny, which dictates women/queer ppl shouldn’t be writing about or indulging in or exploring their sexuality at all. there’s intellectual property and a history of DMCAs, which, although kept at bay by the OTW, may still have influence on the “illegal” mentality of our work. with social armies against us, it’s easier to exist in the shadows, on the fringe. we change URLs based on our moving interests, and split our identities a million different ways, and keep sarcastic “me” tags full of self-deprecating text posts. we are difficult beasts to catch, because we have not been allowed to exist.

i spent a lot of time today googling the word for “pseudonymous biography” and came up empty-handed (if someone knows of an existing word, pls let me know. “pseudography” is apparently a fancy word for a typo; “pseudobiography” is a fake biography), so for lack of anything better, i’ve come up with the term “socknography” because 1) it’s funny and doesn’t sound intimidating, and 2) it encapsulates the sensitive and complicated way fanauthor identifying conventions work. and also i think “fanauthor biography,” “bibliography,” and “profile” just doesn’t cut it for the actual work of these pieces. they don’t necessarily include IRL biographical data, they include more historical/community context than a bibliography, and the words “profile” and “about me” don’t really inspire interaction, or acknowledge the archival importance of this work.

astolat’s fanlore page is my go-to example. astolat writes under multiple pseuds and has major influence in the history of fandom. she’s also a traditionally published author, but you notice, her ofic novels are not mentioned, nor any other real-life identifying information. fanlore has a really good policy on this in place, for those concerned about doxxing. 

(moreover, i am not suggesting you centralize your socks. they’re socks for a reason. but most everyone has a main, and that main identity has a story.)

there are 2 existing spaces to preserve socknographies. 

fanlore, a wiki owned by the OTW, you can make an account and create a user page (which is different than a “person” page) using a user profile template

ao3′s “profile” page, which is a big blank box in which anything goes

(i’m not including tumblr on this list because i don’t think it’s a stable platform.) 

fanlore’s template is straight to the point and minimal, which doesn’t really invite narrative the same way a literary bio would. ao3′s big blank box leaves us with the question -- wtf do i say about myself? how do i say it? how much is too much? and because of that, most profiles are either blank or only include a policy on translations/podfic/fanart, and maybe links to tumblr and twitter. but let me tell you, if i have read your fic and taken the time to move over to your profile, you better believe i am a fan. and as a fan, i want to Know Things.

here are the things i want to know, or

a potential template:

introduction (name/alias, age, location, pronouns, occupation)

accomplishments (degrees, personal history)

fan history (fandoms you’ve been in, timeline as a fan, how you were introduced to fandom/fanfiction, what does fandom mean to you -- this is where your fan narrative goes)

fandom participation (popular fics/posts, involvement in fan events/communities, side blogs, interviews, etc. 3 & 4 might be one and the same for you)

spotlight (which of your fics are most important to you/would you like others to read and why? what are the stories behind your favorite fics you’ve written?)

find me elsewhere* (links to tumblr, twitter, insta, etc.)

policies on fanart, fanfic of fic, podfics, and translations

*you cannot link to ko-fi, paypal, patreon, or amazon on ao3/fanlore per the non-commercial terms of service

i’ll be working on filling this out for my own profile as an example, but you can also see how my @fanauthorworkshop participants filled out their fanauthor spotlights, and the information they provided. obviously, you should only share that which you feel comfortable sharing, and as your fandom life changes, your narrative will change too. it’s not much different than updating a CV or resume.

tl;dr the goal is to provide a self-narrative of your fan life/identity for posterity. who are you and why are you a fanperson? why do you create fan content? what are you proud of and what do you want to highlight to others? who are you in this space?

#socknography #fanfiction #ao3 #otw

[peanutpinet]

Lin Yanjun (mentor) x reader

In honor of finishing my 5th semester that the final assignment was to do a major composition (and I somewhat reference Yanjun a bit, okay, I used some of his pics to enhance my composition but yea), this is a one-shot of Yanjun from a dream I had of him. In this dream, he was sorta, one of the mentors for the Youth With You competition and you’re his secret girlfriend.

It was no shock that this cold making joke person also appears cold since the majority of time, his face was basically an RBF. But seeing it in real-life gives you even more chills. Especially when he is the mentor of many trainees. Lin Yanjun, debuted as the 5th member of Nine Percent back in the first ever Youth With You or Idol Producer as it was known. Now, he, along with his ex-bandmates are all mentors to the new 100 (girl) trainees.

Though he seemed unapproachable due to his cold (RBF) looks, he was actually kind and caring towards the trainees; just like his bandmates. Each of them paid close attention, point out the trainees’ mistakes and even practiced with them to make the trainees feel more comfortable with them. Not to mention, when Yanjun was not only known to be the master of cold jokes but also flirting. Whenever some trainees seemed stressed, Yanjun would always either make a lame, cold joke to lighten up the mood or even flirt when they were practising (ofc to a friendship kind of level). Which is why it’s not a surprised when many trainees get excited when they see him walking along the hallway, waving at them or even when they have classes with him.

However, there was one secret about Yanjun that only his family and bandmates know (and a few other ppl that he trust). That is, Yanjun actually already have a girlfriend. That’s right. This cold (yet hot) face that loves making lame/cold jokes and flirt with literally everything is in fact already taken. Which is why he doesn’t flirt as much as he used to. He knows how flirting can make their significant other feel. Which is the main reason why he tones it down, unless he is with his girlfriend, of course.

He met his girlfriend not too long before becoming a mentor, from one of his shoots for a film. But due to the difference in country origin, the two had to be in a long distance relationship. Though worried how it’ll affect their relationship, it turns out that the long distance actually made them even closer than ever before. No matter how busy both their schedules were, they would always connect each other through messaging applications and even find the time to have a long call with each other at least once every two weeks.

Yanjun wouldn’t admitted it but he does miss the physical interaction and quiet moments when he in the same country as his girlfriend. Especially when he had a long day of work. It doesn’t help that today was one of those days. It has only been 3 months since he last saw his girlfriend, and 1 month since he became a mentor. Normally, it wasn’t as bad since he would normally get the morning classes instead of the late ones like Kun (because he is the main PD in my dream while Yanjun and Ziyi are side PDs). Unfortunately, this day was not his day. Because the trainees were now finalising their performances for the position evaluations and he was in charge of the vocal groups.

For the past month, the trainees were all doing well in class. But for some reason, when it was time to practice on the actual stage, Yanjun noticed multiple mistakes. Whether it was their pronounciations on several english words of the song, their synchronization, or even when they were off-key. This resulted in Yanjun staying back for quite a long time, dismissing his break time and even eating schedule. To Yanjun, if he hasn’t finished work, then he wouldn’t take a break. Especially when the trainees still want to keep going.

It took a lot out of him, pointing out the trainees’ mistakes, repeating each part multiple times before repeating the performance as a whole. After what seemed to be hours of reteaching the trainees and giving them encouragement, Yanjun was finally done for the day. But unfortunately, it was not a good sign for the trainees who were seeing him the next day.

Throughout the whole morning, Yanjun didn’t give any smile whatsoever. Returning to his RBF face due to lack of rest and food. It even escalated when one of the staffs mentioned to him that he had to go to one of the stage halls before all the other staffs and trainees. Though slightly irritated, Yanjun kept it to himself and headed towards the stage halls. Passing through the hallways of the dorms, Yanjun kept a cold gaze and attitude. Only nodding to the trainees and staff he passed by while the trainees bowed at him, not wanting to meet with his cold gaze.

When he finally reached the stage hall, he heard music playing. Confused to why there was music, he closed the hall and slowly crept towards the stage, seeing a familiar figure. As he got closer, he caught a glimpse of the mysterious figure that was right before the stage. Recognising the figure, Yanjun crept every so slowly and hugged them by the waist, placing his head on the crook of their neck.

“Well, I’ve missed you too Jun” you giggled, turning around to see your boyfriend

“Is this why you didn’t text me back this morning? After a long, dreadful day I had the other day?” Yanjun complained, his breath was by your neck

“I wanted it to be a surprise. Did you know how hard was it to get permission? Not to mention coming here without the worry that someone may get a picture of me? I practically had to have the other 8 boys, especially Kun, Justin and Zhangjing beg the producer to allow me to come” you complained back, but in a more playful tone

“Thank you for coming. Thank you for taking the time to come all the way here, just for me” Yanjun sighed, hugging you even tighter, kissing the side of your cheek

“Well, I didn’t come here just for you. That’d be selfish” you teased

“Well, I’m hurt now. Can’t believe you didn’t come here just for me” Yanjun pouted, pulling away from the hug

“You’re adorable when you’re jealous. Don’t you think I don’t know about your flirting with the trainees?” you confronted him

“Well, I toned it down. I know that you would get jealous. But like, they’re my students. While the boys are basically, them!! And let’s not even start with Justin” Yanjun exaggerated

“Alright, alright. C’mon, let’s go have haidilao!! I already made reservations!!” you exclaimed, pulling Yanjun’s hand and directing him towards the back exit

“Hehehe, alright, alright. It better be just the both of us!!” Yanjun warned, wrapping his arm around your shoulder, kissing the side of your temple as the two of you went out to have lunch

Ahhh!!! Another story about Yanjun. Alright, originally, in the dream, Yanjun knew you were coming and he locked all the doors to make sure the two of you have your privacy but I decided to elaborate more. Also, quick note, in my idea, Yanjun, Kun and Ziyi are all PDs but Kun is still the main PD. Yanjun takes care of vocals, Ziyi with rap and Kun with dance but all three takes care of the stage performance. This is mainly because Kun and Yanjun have both become leaders and centres before. While I chose Ziyi because he is just so sweet when it comes to group performances and all. Alright, thank you for reading!!

#linyanjun #lin yanjun #evan lin #lin yanjun scenarios #lin yanjun x reader #lin yanjun imagines #youth with you #idol producer #idol producer scenarios #idol producer imagines #idol producer lin yanjun #林彦俊 #nine percent #nine percent yanjun

[mysteriouspercentage]

May I ask for more details? Who's cash app is who's and how everyone's doing? Pm me if you're okay with that, I want to help.

~ @yourtworms

i’m going to answer this publicly and link it on our post, in case anyone else would like to know details. my cashapp is the one w my same url (literaltortoise) and the other belongs to my roommate. none of us are currently showing any symptoms (3/2), but obviously i’m having a hard time emotionally. more under the cut for anyone who’s interested. (ftr, i will not be sharing anything more re my roommate and her father than i have already shared on previous donation posts to protect their privacy, but suffice to say, we’re all stressed. all of the below explicitly pertains to my family situation)

(another disclaimer: obviously, these are real members of my family. i ask that if u know me irl or recognize any details abt these ppl that u not share their identities anywhere. this is highly personal and i’m only sharing in hopes that this will help ppl better understand where i’m coming from in asking for donations.)

essentially, my mother and i have been on the rocks (as far as i’m concerned) for a while now. it’s hard for me to use this language, but the truth is that she has been emotionally abusing me - gaslighting, demanding emotional labor, and ignoring my boundaries - for a long time. she also dismissed my concerns abt abuse by my father on multiple occasions, allowing him to stay in a household w both myself and my sister and continue his abusive behavior for almost two decades of my life. she is a white woman, and some of this is absolutely racial. i told her explicitly a few months back that we were rapidly hurtling towards the point where i would not want to have a relationship w her anymore, and coming into my home and putting myself and, more importantly, ppl that i care abt, in real danger, crossed the line. 

i called her a couple hours after we made her leave our house and told her, in no uncertain terms, that i did not want a relationship w her anymore. she barely reacted except to question me abt a business arrangement that we have. i sent my sister a text telling her of the situation and that i was still happy to try to have a relationship w her, and she got v angry and sent me some v hurtful text messages. i’m feeling like i’ve lost the last semblance of family that i had. i drank a lot last night. 

on top of that, i am decently deep in debt (i’d estimate around 1.8k, not including hospital bills that may or may not be being paid off retroactively by my state insurance) and unemployed. my mother is, and always has been, a v well-off woman, middle to upper-middle class w enough savings to take relatively frequent trips and start her own business. her mother, my grandmother, is also fairly wealthy, and will be leaving behind a sizeable inheritance that will be divided among her children and put in their name, meaning that her grandchildren (me and my cousins) will only receive any money at the discretion of our parents. i also arguably owe my mother money from when she paid for my partial hospitalization at 19 (for the mental health issues that she and dad gave me lol). so, financially, by cutting her off, i just virtually guaranteed that i will never see any assistance from her, unless i’m willing to crawl back and prostrate myself before her, presumably, and also left an avenue for her to demand money from me. i’ve spent a good chunk of today going thru all the things that she currently pays for that i share (phone, auto insurance, netflix) and creating new accts for just me. new accts that i really cannot pay for. 

so, to sum it up: i’ve p much lost my entire family (unless my sister decides to talk to me again), as well as any sort of financial back-up that i could have possibly used. i’m well and truly on my own, w plenty of debt and upcoming bills/rent/other expenses to look forward to and barely any income. 

#ask #original #Anonymous

[kuroopaisen]

HEY it’s me the anon from a few days ago that told you they’d panhandle for the in between crumbs 👨🏻‍🦽 i read pt 1 again while i ate lunch after work and omgncnsms i forgot how much i loved them lowering their walls (and the hesitation that comes w sharing something personal,, tbh not me i just be sayin shit sometimes yk MFNSNSN) but i rlly wanted to ask how long the writing process took you (in general and for this fic), what order you wrote all the scenes in (1/2)

and your favorite scenes from the fic 🥺 or rlly anything you want i love hearing ppl talk abt their writing 🥺🥺 i might send more asks as i inevitably reread the series tho LMAO i woke up today and told my best friend (who’s been lobbying for me to watch more than half of season one,,,, My Bad) that i was rereading this fic for The Serotonin 🤝🤝 also to avoid confusion i’ll call myself pan anon for now!! (2/2)

PAN ANON that’s so cute!! real talk, thank you for showing so much interesting in this fic? it’s my lil baby, and honestly hearing that you’re literally re-reading it is so wild to me,,, i have trouble conceptualising it? but thank you so so much you’re so sweet :( i’m so glad i could provide you with that precious Serotonin, that’s all i want to do,,,

you’ve given me the space to ramble so ramble i did,,, and therefore it’s under a cut fklfds i’m so sorry but also thank you so much (if you do want to ask more questions, don’t be afraid to! although this is,,, v long so i completely understand flkjsklfj)

how long the writing process took

in general: depends on a lot of factors, to be honest! how inspired i am, how long it’s going to be, how developed the idea is,,, generally, I tend to work on fics when I’m inspired to do them, or i won’t touch them for a long period of time. so, it’s hard to give an exact timeframe.

for example, iwaizumi’s birthday fic (ataraxia) was banged out in about a day? concept, writing, everything – mainly because i was on a timeframe, but also because it’s a relatively simple fic. simple premise, gentle but simple emotions, simple outcome. and, because i was inspired (see: under pressure), it was easy to get it all out. albeit ataraxia wasn’t beta’d, which is a bit of a problem for it as a representative of my writing ssjfdklj

something like brat, a more thought-out piece, it might take a week depending on inspiration? brat particularly inspired me (and i wish i’d turned it into a multi-parter now, tbh), so it was easy to get into.

for something like this or little changes, it takes a bit longer? little changes took about three weeks from conception to end product! which leads to…

for this fic: this fic was a bit weird in that i had the idea in my head for a few months? sort of,,, little scenes, and the desire to write something about kuroo and nekoma’s manager, incorporating the theme of ‘an in-between kind of love.’ the actual writing process, however, probably took two weeks?

the first week was pretty lax, and then the second was a whirlwind. It’s honestly sort of a haze because I would write for hours straight? i don’t know what happened, and a lot of the first draft was not good by any means, but yeah. that was one wild week.

poor ren (@/w-yuren – if you haven’t checked her out, please do! she’s the auntie of the fic tbh) proofread all of it over the course of a week because i wanted to get it out by a certain date (i didn’t end up meeting this deadline but Oh Well).

what order you wrote all the scenes in

i didn’t have a particular order!! i would just go for the scenes that i felt most inspired to write. for this fic, it was the scenes that took place more around the middle that i tended to gravitate towards? i found it surprisingly difficult to write the beginning (probably because by the time i got there, i had their dynamic established in my head – meaning that them being strangers was difficult to parse), and i put off the ending because i didn’t quite know how i wanted it to end (the original plan had them going to university – the slowest of all burns).

favourite scenes

so one of my favourite scenes was the one where the reader is having a breakdown in the gym; i didn’t end up doing it as well as i would’ve liked, but it gave me a space to explore some emotions i haven’t really had the chance to in my fics yet. it’s a mini-example, for me, of how cathartic writing can be – before this i’d only written a short daichi fic featuring a reader who had anxiety.

being able to tease out those emotions, but having them received willingly by kuroo, was soothing? and i also enjoyed that it gave me some space to give kuroo his own development, too; we don’t know where his mother is canonically, so divorce is certainly possible. and, speaking as a child of divorced parents, that sort of thing really affects you – often more than you realise. getting to explore that concept without making it the main point of the fic was enjoyable, in some way? it feels like the wrong word, but i can’t think of a better one.

i also enjoyed the scene where kuroo’s feeling down, and both kenma and the reader notice. bc this is a fic and not a full-blown novel, the relationships both kuroo and the reader have with other characters inevitably fall to the wayside, so i enjoyed every opportunity i had to explore the dynamics with other members of the nekoma team. and because kuroo and kenma are so important to each other, it was a joy working out how that’d factor into moments like this (especially since we don’t tend to see kuroo be down, you know?).

I also enjoyed the “ethically sourced” scene just because they’re being such Dumb Teens and i thought the dialogue was naturalish?

i also like the scene at the end of part 2, because i like exploring how we conceptualise love versus how we experience it. kuroo’s very much trapped between the two in that scene, and i think it’s very much something a teenage boy would contend with. especially because the way he conceptualises romantic love makes it something scary, something that could threaten the relationship they currently have.

and finally, i really like the final scene for two main reasons. one, because they don’t need to say “i love you”; they both know. and they know, because they exchange the “i wouldn’t be who i am today without you,” which speaks to their friendship and how they’ve affected one another. it’s also the culmination of both of them realising that it’s okay for them to feel multiple kinds of love for one another, and one doesn’t transcend or smother the other.

two, because it’s a moment of genuine, comfortable vulnerability; something that they’ve always offered each other in one way or another, but it’s usually been one of them comforting and supporting the other. but in this scene, the vulnerability is shouldered by both of them (the reader betrays her vulnerability by giving him a thoughtful present, and kuroo betrays his vulnerability by tearing up and making his confession).  

honestly i had some lofty ideas that i don’t think i totally made good on, but i like these scenes because they gave me the opportunity to explore emotions that i find very interesting, or that relate to my own experiences with love; it’s always been a very strange grey area for me, and since i like to write for catharsis, the in-between was an opportunity to reflect on that! 

i love the friends-to-lovers trope because it focuses on that interplay between different ideas of love, but in a mundane context, what does that mean? how do you draw the line between the two? should you draw that line? 

so i’ve rambled a lot (looking at this wall of text,,, i’m so sorry) but thank for you for letting me indulge myself aslkjd my vocabulary is very limited and i hope i don’t seem like a Tool. 

[toastedbuckwheat]

Inktober 2019 - day 16

Self portrait, because it was an important day. 

Had my first appointment with the gender doctor!!

It wouldn’t have happened (or certainly not so quickly) without your contributions and support. Thank you so much. You guys are a blessing and I never expected so much help! 

It means now I can finally do my *first transition update*

My hair was a bit more presentable than pictured above when I got to the touristy heart of London and sat in the (surprisingly posh, my mind of a poor art graduate was blown) waiting room to have my first consultation. If you wanna know which doctor did I go to or know more, please drop me a message; I just somehow don’t feel comfortable operating with names of respected medical professionals so openly on my fanart blog. I don’t think I need to describe how nervous I was - today had a potential to either be the best day of my life (in unlikely circumstances of getting hormones prescribed there and then) or at least a step towards a better life, finally.

It was both slightly difficult and very relieving, that meeting. Mostly her trying to get to know me, asking loads of general questions rather than doing a dry box ticking exercise that I expected in that situation. Taking her time.  I was surprised when she mentioned she had concerns about me reaching out to her for testosterone and not making the top surgery my first step, seeing that I identified as non-binary (the exact opposite of how the public gender clinic approaches the situation!) - and that she had not had good outcomes who took that route. I think it got clarified when I mentioned that a desire to have a surgery first was the original reason why I contacted the GIC (Gender Identity Clinic - the public one) two years ago, and while waiting to be seen by them (as I ranted before, it currently takes 2 years to get to a first assessment) I realised that there were other things that affect how I feel about myself on a daily basis- such as my voice, the fact that I do not pass if I wear anything remotely feminine etc - I basically decided that I did in fact need hormones, and it would be a long route to even get a smell of it through the strained National Health Services. It is worth mentioning that she is respectful of the non-binary identity and attempt not to make it more difficult (the GIC do, apparently?), however - how I understood it at least - she tried to exercise pushing me into binary for the sake of finding out whether hormones are what I really want, because of course taking it wouldn’t really leave me ‘in between’ and whether we want it or not, people do immediately categorise us as male or female. Her take was that being on testosterone, after certain point at least, would push me the other side, so she wanted to find out whether I would for instance be comfortable if people suddenly started calling me ‘he’. I of course exclaimed something along the lines of ‘hell yes??? i would be comfortable, please may I be a he???’, but I understand the concern. It wasn’t in a ‘you briefly mentioned you could describe your gender as enby, I will now deny you HRT’ way, not at all. It felt more profound and caring.

One thing that made me very nervous is the fact that she wanted me to change my name by deed poll. Now, I would have done it long time ago had I known it was legal for me to do! But I am not a British citizen yet, so changing my name and all British documents would result in a conflict with my Polish passport. Which I wish I could change, but as there’s no other way to have your sex reassigned in Poland but by taking your own parents to court (which in my case also requires a lawyer to represent my deceased father whom I never met)  over mistakenly assigning you the wrong sex at birth or however else should I formulate this bullshit of a law - I can’t do it just right now. Yes, you don’t just go there and tell them you’re trans - you sue your own parents, despite being a grown up - and technically parents could make it difficult fot you. I don’t think I’m strong enough or have enough money to fly back and forth to a hostile country that treated me so badly just to follow this process. But if I do change my name in the UK now, this will have to be done asap. And the doctor, who said she’s advised that to multiple foreigners living here - says it will actually be required by the GIC as an important milestone in living in a desired gender role (screw that, I’ve been living in one for years, I just wanna be legal and use my passport, and Brexit is coming!!!)

Meanwhile, after 22 months of a wait about which I rambled multiple times, the GIC suddenly texted (!) me on Friday asking me to contact them asap cuz they might have a short notice appointment for me. I was at work til late, so I called them on Monday morning, just to discovered that the slot had been snatched. I was not particularly surprised by it. But then I got another call in the afternoon informing me that they had one more appointment available, but it was going to be this Thursday. That is, in a few hours from the moment I am writing it. I am shocked that I will finally be seen - surely no chance for hormones/surgery recommendation right now, and the next appointment won’t be in a year knowing how things work, but at least something!

So that’s it - congratulations if you’ve gotten to the end of it! I hope things progress soon; I am nervous AF but at least the ball is rolling now. 

I still do accept any donations from kind ppl who wish to buy me a virtual coffee - there’s a secret drawing of Aziraphale in the updates section that should be revealed upon making a contribution! Again, thanks to all of you who made things possible so I had something to write this long post about!!

and as always thanks to my dearest @mimimarilynart who is always here for me and somehow hasn’t died from listening to my rants yet. Thank you for being so supportive all the time <3

#transition update #inktober 2019 #inktober #self portrait #personal #rl #my illustrations #doodles #transgender #transitioning in the uk #art #digital colouring #non fandom #toastedbuckwheat

[teddiebuns]

I hate college, like i like school but like the culture here is broke af. Like everyone is trying to be in a relationship or hook up (or is in a relationship) and thats all they got to talk about. Like I've had multiple convos where im like "yeah just here to study and get a good gpa tbh" and yet ppl are acting like this is a fuckin speed dating thing or some shit.

Like this DUDE fucking befriended me just to get with me??? Like i was his friend the whole of last semester and he was just like expecting to date me and shit. Like no, did you not hear a word ive said all semester dude.

AND WHAT MAKES THIS WORSE, is this DUDEBRO straight up told my friend (who i was on a trip with and he knew this) that he wanted to kill himself and he was sad. I mean yeah thats like an ok thing, whatever, come out about your mental illness its fine. BUT THE TIMING WAS SO MANIPULATIVE THO. Like i had just rejected this dude and then went away for the weekend and my friend gets a text from him saying he wants to die???? Like bitch you knew we were together???? What game are you playing????

Anyway that all happened back in December. Its still bothering me tho bc i seen him on campus today and was just like NOPE. Idk he was really fucked up tbh, would say some fucked up racist/sexist/violent things and pass them off as jokes. He also was mean af, kept calling me a white girl bc im light skinned? (yeah i know idk how i was friends with this fucker, i think i just felt bad bc he had none SHOULDA BEEN A RED FLAG). Anyway i feel a little unsafe at the moment tbh. Bc he was so fucked up and shit. I dont like it bc i already feel unsafe on campus and now i have a reason to?? Like idk if he would actually do something??? But the thought is there and thats enough.

If you read this tell me what you think pls. Just need to know if im going crazy or not.

#personal #maybe dont reblog but reply?

[laylabahiti]

HSHQTASK005: A REFLECTION 

i originally posted this task in march 2017, so almost 3 years ago (wow). i already regret looking at this old one lmao

001. name / age / pronouns

2017: xee / twenty / she, her 2020: xee / twenty-three / she, her — fun fact, mine and evy’s bdays are 2 days apart #taurussquad

002. which character(s) do you play?

2017: my complicated af beaN layla. idek what’s going on with her at this point. 2020: i’m screaming i can’t believe i thought 2017 layla was complicated. i had no idea what was to come. i picked up biel not long after that. also had katalina aka brucey’s wifey n i miss her. juliana is a fairly recent addition and, i’m about to spill the beans, a glücksburg is coming.

003. nationality / ethnicity / timezone

2017: american / lots of white european and the other half o’ me is ashkenazi jewish / right now i’m back and forth between pst and mst. homeland is mst though. 2020: obvs nothing has changed except no more back and forth with timezones. strictly mst now.

004. tell us a bit about your  home state.

2017: it’s the first day of spring and we almost reached 100 degrees F :’) we don’t really have autumn or spring here tho. it’s either hot as balls summer or frozen. no in between. like, as soon as temps get below 70 F people break out their jackets. 2020: welcome to the desert, “it’s a dry heat”

005.  favourite color / fruit / season

2017: green / honeydew melon / spring 2020: still green and all its shades / tbh idk how i chose a fave fruit bc i raaarely eat it but bananas and watermelon too / “spring”

006. favourite books + writer whose writing style you admire the most

2017: this isn’t a fair question smh. i have too many titles and names going through my head at once to answer this. 2020: still no fave so i’m just gonna answer this with what i’m currently reading. it’s called suffer strong and it popped up on my insta feed last week (big brother is listening and they know i’m a stressed mf) cheese moment: i admire all ur writing styles :~)

007. what kinda music do you listen to + any fave bands / musicians

2017: listen to a lil bit of everything. these ‘favorite’ questions are difficult for me to answer 2020: same answer tho i grew up listening to the eagles so they hold a special place in my heart n soul. i get to go see them in a couple months (hopefully w my dad) and i’m v excited

008. what are you doing for a living / what are you studying?

2017: lmAO well rn i work in the kitchen of a gas station (sah classy). 2020: went from working in the store to working in corporate *finger guns* apparently i never said what i was studying but i was still in school then. justice studies with a minor in military leadership and certifications in human rights and socio-legal studies. then i studied astrophysics with minors in cyber intel + security and math for a semester, but i didn’t want any more debt ajskdf

009. what’s your dream occupation?

2017: IDK but it has to involve happiness and a nice salary. i have to feed my zoo somehow. 2020: what r dreams lmao

010. relationship status

2017: single then. single now. single forever. 2020: every time i think about putting myself out there, something happens. i don’t have time to date atm

011. coffee, tea or hot chocolate?

2017: it depends on the weather. if it’s cold i’ll have hot chocolate. i usually drink tea at meals whenever though. 2020: i blame my work for all the coffee i drink now, but still all of the above. 

012. dream holiday destination?

2017: santorini 2020: honestmeme....where the hell did i pull santorini from. idk i was supposed to go to iceland for study abroad last year but yknow i withdrew from the university. i still wanna go tho

013. the thing you’re most proud about yourself

2017: not afraid to stand up for myself + others 2020: young me made it sound noble but honestly i’ll put ppl in their place, i don’t have patience anymore jakdas. but tbh right now i guess it’s my perseverance? life has been shitty for a few months but u gotta keep on truckin’

014. tell us a bit about your family!

2017: goD they’re nuts. i’m the middle child out of all my siblings but the youngest on my dad’s side. large age gaps are common, like half my sisters are old enough to be my mom. lots of grand babies and great grand babies. when we’re all together (like this past weekend) it’s ….wild. communication is v poor too. i only have one brother out of my eight siblings, and all those siblings are only half-related to me. at 5′5 i’m one of the tallest in the fam which says a lot. 2020: they’re still nuts n i don’t speak to my mother anymore. i should probs add that my parents have been divorced since i was a few months old so she hasn’t been in the pic for a while. even when she had custody of me jaksldf find me ron howard i’ll give him the rights to my life story

015. how long have you known your closest friend?

2017: three years. 2020: we’re going on 6 years jaksdf i’ll be maid of honor in her wedding this year. i also have another friend that i failed to mention last time but we’ve been close for 9 years (jfc)

016. superpower you’d like to have?

2017: invisibility 2020: mind reading so i know who’s Fake jaklsdjf

017. celebrity you’d like to meet?

2017: john stamos ?? idk i never really thought about it. i’ve met michael phelps though!! 2020: ig i’ll stick with stamos?? ooh or steve carrell or jennifer aniston. 

018. guilty pleasures

2017: chocolate and french fries. i love love love french fries. 2020: now my guilty pleasure is dr. pepper bc i cut it out of my diet.

019. pet peeves

2017: mouth noises (misophonia). people talking over each other and not listeninG. lowkey people leaving the toilet seat up or leaving toilet paper in the toilet like…just flush again. 2020: i really went off on tp huh?? another pet peeve is people committing to something then backing out/flaking without a heads up

020. do you have any hobbies?

2017: sports !!! i’m a grade a heaux for sports. tennis, archery, golf. anything that doesn’t require lots of muscle ya feel. one of my ~hobbies~ i guess is organizing things. i have multiple planners and use them all daily. 2020: i miss how sporty n active i was jkasdf this is my hobby.

021. where would you like to live in the future?

2017: i would looooooove to live in san diego but i’ll probs be stuck in the desert drylands. 2020: tbh i was looking into memphis homes bc it’s cheap compared to here but i don’t really care where i end up. just want a place of my own yknow

022. tell us a story about a thing that recently happened to you! it can be a funny, scary, sad story, your pick!

2017: redacted bc it was college angst lmao and not pretty 2020: i found out this morning that my cell phone # is somehow linked to some random guy a few miles away and idk how to fix it online. got some texts today and yesterday this one guy called me 6 times back to back while i was on the phone with someone else. i guess that’s another pet peeve of mine, pls leave a message if it’s important jaklsdf

#hshqtask005 #really had to go back n look at 20 year old me #who tf was i #how did u tolerate me

[loxxxlay]

it's been my number one rule: to avoid anything and everything actors and other people involved say. not only it can influence the view of said character, it's a potential source of so many bitter feelings (I just look to trusted sources for positive interviews). that and we can never be 100% sure what is true, what is said because someone is expected to, what is twisted out of context. I also firmly believe actors can influence the writing and I just don't want to know, lol.

I definitely agree that this is a great thing to do! I don’t actively avoid information, but honestly I know very little about the actors.. I just.. don’t really care? Like, I’m too ace/aro for that shit lmfao (Jkjkjk XD). But in seriousness, I’m interested in the characters and the story, and I’ve never been the type of person to actively look up interviews, etc. What Hemsworth said upsets me, but ultimately it doesn’t change anything about my content or myself as a fan. I’ll just go back to obsessing over thor’s biceps ;) ;)

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to consider what actors and other people say though? Like, if ppl want to expand their own experience and consider interviews valuable, I’m not one to stop themm. there’s def pros and cons, the con being potential bitterness. But if that’s what they wanna do, then go for it lol. I support that (as long as it’s respectful)! I just don’t want to talk about it/hear about it.

Anyway the second thing you mentioned is super important to me too. the quote is text-based. Although the source is reliable and the translation stands up - that doesn’t erase the fact that Hemsworth’s words are lacking in tone, body language, and context. they also went through multiple rounds of translation. And even if it was exactly how it sounds, maybe they just caught him on a bad day. this doesn’t even go into the fact that many other of his interviews have been taken out of context for anti-hemsworth agendas.

I’m definitely not saying we shouldn’t be upset or take this at face value. Like if anyone reading is upset, then you are valid. -hugs you- He said a bad thing. It really fucking hurt to see him say that. :( But to everyone else, I’m mostly just saying it’s okay if you’re still skeptical. It’s okay if you’re not upset and still love Hemsworth to death. You do you, babes.

Basically all I was trying to do today was apologize because I have made many dismissive posts, which I now realize were unfair. <3

#hemsworth discourse #ragnarok discourse #anon #lox replies

[grimoireemil]

I feel like I should cancel my appointments instead of driving to them today because my head still isn’t right, but I’m sure I’ll be ok.

Like just to get off my chest this but like. The reason why I get really upset and feel ppl hate me is that I’ll put a lot of effort into socializing and talking and end up getting dismissed really quickly with one word responses. Once or twice, I get it, sometimes the other party doesn’t want to talk, but multiple times means clearly that I’m not really a priority. It especially hurts when I’m engaged by said person to talk in the first place and then promptly shot down because meh the conversation got too long or something.

It just fucks with my head, especially since I can’t gauge tone via text or dm and I’m bad enough even IN person to person conversations where I can gauge tone.

I just wish people like considered how I’m feeling when I’m talking to them sometimes. Like if I’m chatty suddenly, maybe I’m like. Really trying to engage and wanting some company. Or I’m really happy about something and want to gush about it. And shooting me down like that just. Is really mean imo. And too many people seem all too willing to do that with me.

It makes me feel like I’m this bit actor in a play, a side character to people that is disposable and irrelevant. And it fucking hurts. I realize I’m not the most present individual in peoples lives, but still.

This is not even happening with my online friends for the most part. Most of these issues arrive with any offline friends I’ve made which. Idk is kind of more upsetting in that like me in real life, offline seems more intolerable.

#personal #negative #kinda

[starrcrossrose]

Here's what DBZ has done for me in only the last year

(Mind you, I've only been dedicated to watching for about 2 years, but that makes the last year even more amazing bc of the short time span)

This will be sort of a long post. But if you like sappy stuff like me, then read along!

1. It made me draw more

I was hardly ever drawing since I started my full-time, adult job in phone retail bc my stress levels were high and my creativity low. But ever since really delving into the DBZ series, I'm constantly in a mood to draw something. (Bless you, Yuya Takahashi, my art brain short-circuited when I started the Majin Buu arc)

2. I made new friends

I have nothing against the friends I currently have. Hell, the ones I still DO have since high school are my ride-or-die's. But, to have the ability to make new friends (and not bc of them being coworkers that I spend nearly every day with) just off of something we all share a passion for? Amazing. I even have one new friend I text like, every day and she is the sweetest thing. And all because we bonded originally over our love for DBZ! I'm now part of a group chat of girl who love Vegeta (bc, come on, how can you not?) and have found so much amazing art and writing that I even bought my first fanzine and have been planning on meeting most of these guys/gals in person someday!

3. It made me stop caring what others think

Ok, maybe not completely. Life and human emotion is a little more complicated than that. But, as I've made these new friends and seen their passion and creativity for a fandom that has been kicking and screaming (literally) for like, 20+ years is so AWESOME. And in observing this, and as my own love for the show grew, I started branching into territory I had never ventured to before, creatively. I started doing fanart. I started writing fanfiction which is something I never thought I would be able to do. I even posted publicly to my lifelong friends and family (some of whom used to make fun of me for liking anime when I was a kid) that I just didnt care anymore. I wanted to like what I wanted to like, and to have fun, dammit. I may have always seen like the type of person to do or say or wear whatever, but my mind was always thinking of what others thought of me. I no longer want to, and I've been slowly really growing out of that self-consciousness for a while without me realizing it. All because I was so in love with the world and characters of a fiction that ppl grew up on.

4. It taught me to keep fighting for myself

Listen. In our shitstorm of a world as of late, my mind was a mess. I was constantly living in the past, constantly fighting back anxiety and stress in waves that were often debilitating. I even rode the roughest wave of depression in YEARS, to the point of wanting to give up on ever doing something arts related again. But, I was still watching DBZ, still delving into the story of characters I had grown to love, and it was the ONE really bright thing I cared about that wasnt my husband at the time. On top of all that, watching DBZ has been, not quite a distraction, but a coping mechanism for a good/bad/sick day throughout the entire year. It has made me want to grow as a person, to be someone better and stronger than the person I am today. I've always been headstrong in my dreams, but adulting really wanted to suck those things out of me for good. DBZ has made me realize there is a shared passion in a show so beloved, that it has opened multiple doors of conversation for me, even at work! (I have Vegeta on my phone case, lol)

5. DBZ has taught me to never give up

This is such a cliche, something a lot of people have said about this show. But, to reference back to the above points, I really did want to give up everything early this year. I wanted to quit my job, to move states, to be alone. I wanted to never write or draw again bc "I was never going to be good enough" (silly me) to be recognized. But, with the comfort and assurance of my husband (God bless him) and through the comfort of watching a show that filled me with joy, I grew. My husband and I sold our art at a local parsde and actually made a profit! (Small profit, but I was expecting to only break even, so I was very surprised.) My favorite character in the show ended up being Vegeta, which surprised no one who knows me, but for reasons that I've come to understand bc, at first, I didnt know why I liked him so much. But, I began to get it. A character like Vegeta, who is constantly being one-upped, constantly being viewed as 2nd best, constantly struggling and training to be better, was exactly how I felt. And sometimes, I still feel that way. The art world is incredible, but also cruel and overwhelming. It's easy to beat ourselves up, but much harder to push ourselves off the ground when random people like to kick artists while we're down. .But, I brushed myself off, got to my feet, and basically gave the middle-finger to the world and to myself for ever considering giving up. I would be stronger. I would be better, in every aspect of my passions and dreams, and I would NOT give up. I wanted to be like Vegeta who, through growth and reflection, took pride not only in who he was, but eventually, in his OWN strength.

In Short (lol):

DBZ has literally changed my life in such a short span of time. And I am forever grateful to my husband for finally sitting my ass down and making me watch it, and also to the fandom, who has been nothing but supportive and friendly in my short time here. Thank you, Akira Toriyama, and thank you Toei Animation. You've literally helped a person who needed to see a show like this one more than she ever thought she would.

#long post #dbz #vegeta #goku #personal #dbs #dragon ball z #art #writing #the impact this show has had on me just blows my mind #i cannot believe this is my life now