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#i'll just make my own trauma
mcmoth · a month ago
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The virgin c!Techno vs the chad c!Tommy.....
Psa: THIS IS A JOKE, THIS IS A JOKE, I DON'T HATE C!TECHNO, i think he's an interesting character, and obviously c!Tommy's not perfect either, i just wanted to make some comparisons, ok, please don't maul me-
ID under cut since it's kinda long:
[ID: the "virgin vs chad" meme, only it's redrawn with character Technoblade and character Tommyinnit.
On Techno's side, the points are as followed:
Disagreement/miscommunication = immideate betrayal and that person is now dead to me;
Deals with complicated emotions with revenge and destruction;
"Violence is the only universal language";
Claims to be all for anarchy but doesn't even think about mutual aid, only about destroying anything that he personally percieves as threats;
Wears op armor weapons 24/7 out of paranoia and seems to respect others more when they're physically strong as well;
Is one of the richest people on the server;
Teamed up with Dream even after the man admitted to being a tyrant just because he had a personal grudge;
Is really antisocial and doesn't interact with people outside of his circle unless forced to despite his goal of seeking out oppressive power and removing it, leading him to be heavily misinformed and unknowing of the population he claims to know what's best for;
Claims others dehumanise him and "only see him as a weapon" despite he himself dehumanizing others, like calling the teens he used to be friends with just "government" or "traitor" and sees the general population around him as just enemies;
In general doesn't deal well with his emotions and paranoia and has really bad coping mechanisms that he largely doesn't reconsider.
On Tommy's side, the points are as followed:
Sticks with people and remains loyal even when he heavily disagrees with them and tries to compromise/help them get better;
Deals with complicated emotions by going through therapy and introspection;
"Some people aren't strong enough... some people stop talking.";
Tries to tend to the local environment and fights for people to live freely and has attempted to make safe spaces for people to go to away from fighting;
"You can't just make up the rules, you just have the strongest armor, that's not how it should work dude.";
Only wears iron armor and uses basic tools because op ones remind him of war and he's trying to move past that paranoia;
Is one of the poorest people on the server and unbothered by it because he sees strength in community and perseverance, not anything physical;
Has been pissing off the people in charge and fought against corrupt power from day one;
Interacts with people as much as he can, leading him to know and actually care more about the people he protects;
Has been dehumanized in many ways (called "liability", "hero", "security risk", "toy", etc.), but doesn't take it out on others because "I shouldn't take out any of the fucked up shit that's happened to me on other people". /End ID.]
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localkage · 6 months ago
The Akatsuki actively work for a better world where kids don't have to die for the mistakes grown ups make. Lots of headcanons about characters ahead too. Hope you enjoy :3
(Brief mention of abuse in Hidans bc abusers land on Hidans chopping block)
Nagato, Yahiko (fuck it he lives idc) and Konan experienced first hand what war can do to a country and its inhabitants. They don't want anymore of that to happen. They don't want other kids having to live their lives like they had to. Actively build orphanages where war orphans are protected first and foremost. They are the most innocent participants in a war after all.
Kakuzu is old. He knows how people work, he knows how certain scenarios work out. He wants economic stability. A system in which no one has to fight for leftover scraps like he had to as a kid while some rich people chill somewhere stuffing themselves. Kakuzu says fuck capitalism and overthrow the system if its not benefitting the masses.
The path of Jashin is a violent one, no doubt but the people that meet their fate on Hidan's blade deserve it. No one deserves abuse, the power imbalance that the system brings forth installs a sense of false superiority where the only thing they can do is take. Hidan is bad with words but he makes sure that every asshole is sacrificed to his lord that grants him immortality so he can continue doing so until the end of time. The vigilant makes sure that the people end up in a support system and don't have to wait until one comes around like he had to. Hidan says end abuse.
Sasori hates being alone. He may be a man that can kill his enemies in mere seconds, but loneliness is something he fears. He would never admit it to anyone and no one asks. But the small puppets many orphans carry around and hold dearly certainly didn't make themselves. They bring them comfort and joy and sometimes the nice scary red headed man comes around and makes them dance for them. They are something to hold onto. Their parents may be gone but they still have each other. And that's a whole other family entirely. One that Sasori would never admit to having found in the Akatsuki.
Deidara always stuck out. Too loud, to bothersome for anyone to care or handle properly, merely dubbed a misfit with no interest in supporting him. He knows what its like for no one to care about one as an individual, only about their use to society. Art is his passion, its important to him and he encourages others to do the same. No matter what kind of weird or niche interest a kid may have, Deidara supports it 100%. He wants them to feel loved, valued and appreciated for their efforts, he wants them to continue being their most authentic selves, he wants them to know that they more than what they can give.
The Monster of the Hidden Mist. The Tailless Bijuu. Kisame knows what its like to be feared. Hated for your mere existence, hated for the circumstances of your birth you were unable to do anything about. Kisame realizes late in his life that hate leads nowhere. The Akatsuki make him realize that people can only grow with love. When people are believed to be good they can become good. No one should be hated for reasons they can't do anything against, Kisame thinks as he kidnaps the Gaara and Naruto away from their abusive villages to give them a better home.
Itachi was a child. He was a child when he first killed someone. Itachi is a machine meant for destruction. The Akatsuki make him realize that that simply just isn't the case. He is still a child. A terrified hurt little child caught in the game of adults who don't have anything better to do than destroy. A scared little child with blood on his hands and a terrifying legacy left behind. And he is allowed to be a child. He may be 14 but he is still allowed to sink into Konan and Yahikos arms and cry as he realizes what he has done. He may have the weight of the world on his shoulders but its a weight he doesn't have to lift alone anymore. And Itachi is determined to end this sick game of power once and for all.
Love is without a doubt the greatest power. Obito is a man made of love. Lost love, gained love, its a philosophy he breathes and embodies. Obito is idealistic. He believes in hope. A hope Rin had died to protect. Protect her loved ones. Him. Kakashi. The world. And Obito continues that. Its why he founded the Akastuki. A world created from despair can only yield hope as hope is born from despair. And Obito vows to nurture that crop so it may blossom into a tree, their efforts carrying fruit. Obito wanted to become the Hokage as a kid. But what is a king to a fallen kingdom sitting on a throne of deceit in lies?
The world needs to change. The Akatsuki are the change. No more useless death, no more despair, no more hate. Akatsuki. The new dawn. The daybreak for the dark Shinobi world.
I was already crying on sasori, you didn't have to go that hard with itachi and everyone else too on god 😭😭😔😔
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dungeonqueering · 6 months ago
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I want to play a Chosen One who has already served her purpose and won whatever battle she was meant for, but now she has to deal with the near crippling trauma of having been Chosen at like 14, and having to basically be a child soldier for the forces of good. The weight of everyone's expectations may have been lifted, but she still feels crushed by it. To be 14-16 and to have to KILL your nemesis, who fully plans on killing you?
I want to play a Reluctant Chosen, who now tries to live as quietly as possible. It's been maybe 10-20 years since she did her thing. I want the adventure to entail her maybe coming to terms with her past, and learning healthy coping mechanisms.
I would almost certainly play her as a Fallen Aasimar.
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ayyponine · 3 months ago
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me, cracking open my copy of Sharp Objects
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#gotta reread!!#its late may and i live p close to an abattoir/meat processing thing so when it's hot out the immersion is there baby#im rereading the copy i annotated last year and just seeing my own little scribbles and highlights is like ah so true bestie!!!!!#esp already knowing the themes n recurring motifs as well as what little details will be of importance later it's just like.. aaa here we go#some of the associations ive written down like.. poisonous caress.. doodzwijgen.. purity.. strangling intimate personal.. lotgenoot..#im like damn girl ok chill out.. the occasional jotted down ''bitch'' or ''wtf'' is totally justified though#sometimes ill also refer to other passages mirroring smth.. i see camille pulling up to the Nashes and the boy running off screaming as if#she had pinched him. ref to p122.. im like girl you didnt!! i skip to that page and sure enough it's the passage of adora biting the baby!#im like aaa girl yes hive mind! (at myself)#gets to the keene eulogy and theres a page ref next to the mom saying she'll never tickle her fingers over natalie's back again im like oh!#is this gonna be abt when camille got w john and he's trailing his fingers along the skin of her back and she feels comforted by it? :)#i look and it's adora grabbing camille and w one long nail tracing the one circle on her back thats scar free bc she couldnt reach it to cut#''someday i'll carve my name there.'' SCREAM#last time i noted whenever c patted herself on the cheek to self soothe and now i see the crellins kissing/touching each other there i. bruh#im already one third thru in one sitting but im gonna fucking pace myself bc. file under books that make me go a lil crazy in the head!!!!#also it just makes me realise how /good/ the miniseries adaption is. all the little details. the sounds. the trauma cuts. the visceral heat.#insert image of a young feminine girl shrieking i like violence!! aaaaaa bitch!!!! aaaaaaaaaaa
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supersecretoreos · 6 months ago
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My parents: *Teach me to suppress my emotions and personal thoughts to be a kind and demure child and raise me to put myself second*
Me: *Becomes self-sacrificing, depressed, and has mild mood swings as I start getting older and don’t tell them about my problems or successes. Wants to go into a career that will probably put me in danger but helps people*
My Parents: 
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cosmojjong · 6 months ago
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...
#one time i read that you can never heal and process your trauma unless you leave the place that's caused you all of it#which is... funny because i did leave that place only to find something just as toxic but in different ways#im so unhappy and i will never be able to find that light until i finally get to live alone and accomplish things on my own#i feel so bad for my mom because her and i are the closest and its always been like that#but i can't stand living with my stepdad#i feel mean and terrible for having these thoughts but sometimes we'd remained as two instead of her getting remarried#i always feel out of place and like im bothering because that's how he makes me feel most of the time#my whole life has just been me making myself smaller not to inconvenience anyone or take up too much space#and thats even ridiculous to think but im so tired of living like that#we get along like maybe one or two days a week#the rest is him being an ass about my ideals my values and pretty much anything i say#he's the typical im a white man and im always right kind of person#and we tend to fight a lot because im not thr type to sit down and take it so if he says something i'll reply and it never ends#he gets offended when i compare him to my biological father but a lot of the times he just does the same so#im so sick im tired i wanna run away and live my own life#im completely different than what he thinks or what my family think#there's a whole new world inside of me - a whole different side of me that im not able to express#and that just hurts so incredibly much#i wanna be myself i wanna let my voice be hard i want to say whats on my mind and i wanna be listened to#im tired of always being made to feel like im an idiot#starting to believe that all these constant body pains i have are due to the fact that i am literally so tense and physically uncomfortable#all the damn time#it's not like he is a monster in that sense but his actions and behaviors speak louder than words for sure
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miss-spooky-eyes · a year ago
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Fanfiction meme
Thank you @verbose-vespertine for the tag!
I have to level, I’ve been around so inconsistently recently that I have absolutely no idea who’s done this or not or who’s around at the moment, so please forgive me for not tagging anybody ...
1. When did you start writing fanfiction?
Well, when I was about 9 I wrote my own version of A New Hope where Luke was a girl. I did shit like that for years and years as a child/teenager before I knew ‘fanfiction’ existed. Just for me, scribbling in my notebooks at the back of my class, making everybody girls.
I’ve toyed with writing different bits and pieces of fic over the years, but if we’re talking posting it online for other people’s consumption, well, I posted my first Ellezhi/Lana fic on 31 January 2020 ...
2. Of the 6 works I have on AO3:
5 finished 1 on hiatus (I haven’t announced it’s on hiatus, I just wrote Chapter 1 in a frenzy and Chapters 2-to-a-million are [white noise]) 0 abandoned 2 one shots (as I understand one-shots, that is, fics in one scene?) 0 haiku 1 series or collections 6 are ship fics (why fic if you don’t ship) 0 are general 0 is sibling 0 is friend 0 misc (I mean, in a sense, they’re all misc)
3. I have written:
Everything I’ve ever posted online is SWTOR
4. My longest completed/unfinished fic is:
That would be (at least at times) you knew me, my robot-fucking magnificent octopus magnum opus.
23,343 words of SCORPIO porn/torture/torture porn, which to date has prompted one entire person to enquire, in tones of horrified disdain, why anyone would write something like this
My Devinahl backstory fic Riddle was probably about the same length if not longer, but I only posted it on tumblr, so I can’t check.
5. My most popular work (by kudos) is:
My very first fic Literary Appreciation with 51 entire kudos! It ruthlessly mocked Tharan Cedrax and was told from the POV of Lana Beniko, so it’s probably the least off-putting thing I’ve written.
6. My most common additional tag is:
I’m not sure if this counts as an additional tag, but I’ve used ‘Dubious Consent’ twice and I don’t feel good about it.
7. My AO3 user name is:
MissSpookyEyes, what else?
8. Bonus fact to get to lucky number 8:
As a child, I also wrote a partially-gender-flipped version of Lord of the Rings (BOOK, because this was before the films came out, I’m old) in which Aragorn, Frodo, Merry and Pippin were all female. Queen!Aragorn married Legolas, Pippin married Faramir; Arwen, who was a man in only the most technical sense, married Eowyn because somebody had to, and Merry married Eomer. I’m so sorry, I was, I think, around 12 but definitely old enough to know better.
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okay-hotshot · 9 months ago
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#seeing all these kane posts from annihilation where he's being so soft with lena in bed makes me cry#i'm just crying because i can't imagine anyone looking at me like that or touching me so softly#or being so fucking gentle#i can't even handle physical touch anymore cos i'm just so fucking touchstarved#but at the same time i get so scared of someone touching me because i feel so broken#like i'm damaged goods#that all i'll ever be is just a bed warmer#men scare me so much and every man including my own father have hurt me physically to some extent#and every time someone reaches for me i cower away crying because i keep thinking#that hand is going to hit me in some way shape or form#that hand is going to grip my arm too hard#or those hands are gonna hit my head#even if it's lightly just the idea of someone hitting me makes me so scared#or someoen wanting to hld my hand or hug me makes me want to die cos there's no escape#they're gonna hurt me they're gonna eventually find their neck and choke me#i hate feeling like this cos i'm just letting *him* win but the fear paralyzes me at night#where i imagine someone holding me gently but it's so foreign and i don't deserve it at all i don't deserve that i'm not worthy of it at all#i'm just a fucking cock sleeve and a bed warmer and after that i'm discarded like a used condom#and my trauma isn't even tHAT bad liek i know other people have it worse i know my friends went thru worse i have NO REASON#NO REASON to be traumatized but here i am crying over the smallest things#i hate hate hate this#i just feel so alone and helpless and useless and broken
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freezerbreak · 11 months ago
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ight so tonight was a night 😐 /neg
#vent/rant incoming oops#idk i guess this just hits too close to my experiences (trauma? am i allowed to call it that?)#and i've been trying to solve the self destructive habits that i've developed from it#a huge part of that is people-pleasing. i'm trying so hard to accept the fact i cant make everyone happy and#if i change myself to impress others#they're not really happy with *me* they're happy with an act that i have to stress to keep up#so ive been trying to. care less yknow#but having a mob come for me for stating my opinion#much less one pertinent my own community! one they are not part of!#i didn't take them seriously but i couldn't stop myself from getting anxious#it's my father's birthday and i just wanted to have take-out & cake & watch a movie with my family#but instead i was too nauseous from anxiety to eat#but yeah you're protecting mlm by spouting your dumb shit and turning us into your petty discourse#/s /s /s#i try to be a respectful person but i do honestly want to say fuck you#fuck you for turning my sexuality into discourse for you to earn your pretty internet points off#i hate that discourse has reached the point where we're no longer normalizing mlm relationships#we're now casting them off to the side into categories of 'normal content' and 'mlm content'#feels weird as fuck to me when i just want to be seen as an equal to non lgbt people#and i'll get called a 'bootlicker' for that? fuck you.#i'm not a bootlicker for wanting to live a normal life#othering myself was so stress inducing. i was so constantly tired when i acted so high and mighty for being lgbt#i have gotten so sidetracked here#i dont know what the hell im talking about#vent
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gonzodyke · a year ago
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sometimes you just gotta spend a few hours writing shitty poetry about your trauma
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angelicgothic · a year ago
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can my head stop feeling weird for once
#i really kind of hate this#constantly dissociating and getting headaches and just feeling wack#worrying about insane things and getting upset over shit too bizarre and specific to my personal mental fuckery to explain#having breakdowns for completely avoidable reasons and others for no reason at all and yet others over unavoidable stressors#i think i've developed a new trauma since quaratine but i can't explain it to anyone bc it just puts me in a really horrible position#and i can't talk to my therapist because she's awful and seeing her is actively detrimental to my health#i stopped returning her calls cuz she's just more stress i don't need#and on top of all that doing full-time online classes is leaving me with barely enough time to even eat or sleep#quarantine is making me miserable and lonely and i'm getting more depressed than i've been in years#my life is going straight to hell and there's not a single person poised to help me#but i keep going somehow getting things done and keeping my 4.0 even while life tears me apart#pretending like the stress of it all isn't killing me#my own conscientiousness is strangling me around the neck i don't know how to take care of myself when i have so much to do#in the end i'll never be punished by anyone for neglecting myself so of course it's always the first thing i give up#because whether i'm happy or healthy has always been what matters least in my life#from the very beginning i've been living for anyone but myself and now i don't know how to stop#i'm incapable of making my own wellbeing a priority#i think i might just keep living like this until it kills me#bee babbles#vent#negative
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invictus1875 · a year ago
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(generic vent. S*lf h*rm mention. trauma mention. swearing)
#I'm getting goddamn tired of living with trauma lemme tell ya#i was having a good week.#honestly. for the first time in so so long i was having a good week#and what triggered this downward spiral?#my own fucking nightmares#it's not fair. it's not bloody fair I'm trying so so hard to move past everything and recover and get better#I'm avoiding things that could trigger me#engaging in good coping mechanisms#and yet?#it's not fair jfc#it's like every time i start to forget what happened I'm forcefully reminded#and bitch!!!!! i don't want to be!!! leave me alone!!!!#it wasn't even the nightmare itself that triggered the spiral honestly#it was the realisation that I'll never truly be healed until i get therapy#which i can't. i fucking can't. at least not until im an adult and free to make my own choices.#I'm so tired of being stuck where i am#i tried to get out. i tried to un-stick myself from this mess and get better of my own volition. without help.#surprise surprise!! doesn't work like that#why am i so badly affected by something that happened so many years ago!!! fuck!!! it's like i just need a reason to feel bad#maybe I'm overreacting. maybe this is all an act and I'm just trying to get out of studying#mighty convenient that this comes one week before finals huh!!! mighty convenient indeed.#''ooooh i didn't do well because my trauma acted up again :(''#@me I'm onto you. you lil bitch. shut the fuck up.#i hate myself so much ahahahah#isn't it easier to just. sit my ass down and read this stuff. than it is to roll around in my own pathetic sadness#isn't it easier to be productive than it is to be weighed down by a goddamn tornado of negativity and self loathing!!!#WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF. HOW DO I GET OUT.#Imgettingdesperate.jpg#somehow sitting here with a book in my hand and absolutely nothing going into my dumb head is 100x worse than when I'd cry myself to sleep#I'm tired. TIRED.
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