#i'm already doing really bad in online classes right now it's just not working out for me

[zorlok-if]

Hi everybody,

It's been a while. Sorry that I've been gone so long without explanation or communication, I've been in a bad place. For more info check under the cut. Otherwise, hello! I'm alive and so is this project. Progress has been stalled and will continue to be stalled because this is a hobby and I have to focus on priorities. That doesn't mean that it's dead. I still intend to release everything when I can. I appreciate your support and interest.

Hope you're all well! 😊

Albie

(cw: discussion of bad mental health, anxiety, and depression; school shooting mention)

Okay, hello! Welcome to the rest of this post.

Basically, I've been in a bad mental place for a long time and have a lot of issues that I've left unaddressed or festering—most of which tie back to depression, anxiety, fear, and self-loathing.

To start, I wasn't able to graduate this past winter because I fell one class short of my requirements. That really sent me into a spiral and put a strain on my interpersonal relationships.

Then I tried to take that last class this spring but fear related to recent school shootings exacerbated and activated some bad ND habits and I won't be able to complete this course. That means I still won't be able to graduate until I find some online equivalent or professor who will allow me to remain fully remote.

Around the time I found out I wouldn't be graduating, I also got some really cruel anon hate which added onto how I was already feeling and made me hesitant to put anything else out online.

Other things have happened: family stuff, work stuff, health stuff, sociopolitical stuff, etc. (I don't want to go into details with some and won't burden you with the rest). But, essentially, I found myself at a darker place than normal. I withdrew into myself and have been stewing in crippling self-loathing while wearing a convincing smile in my everyday life. (being really honest with this stuff so that if anyone else is going through/experienced something like this they can know they're not alone)

Fortunately, I was able to get away for a bit and spent some time with loved ones I rarely get to see. I've also made a few irl friends recently and feel like I'm coming back out of my shell and starting to heal after traumatic events and relationships. For the first time in a long time, I feel invigorated. I mean, I still feel like stinking trash, but garbage with a will to live and better itself.

As of right now, I'm moving out and finding more work so I can better support myself financially.

If you've read all this going, where's the Zorlok/(other game) update? Here you go: I've been working on Zorlok somewhat, but in the situation/place where I was at, found myself unable to justify dedicating a lot of time to writing and struggling to feel confident about what I was creating when I actually did sit down to do so. This project is in no way dead and I want to work on it and release games more than anything, but I owe it to myself and other people in my life to keep my priorities in check.

This is a hobby and in the past I dedicated time to it when I should've been doing other things. As long as this is a hobby, I can no longer take time away from my priorities to do something I just want to do (no matter how badly I want to do it). So, that's where we're at. I'm continuing to focus on critical things and stop feeling like a jerk for doing that. I know that this might disappoint some people, but that's how things are right now.

If you want to know more about where things are literally at: I'm close to finishing a heavily updated and expanded prologue but episode one has been undergoing changes. I feel pretty shit about myself and that's seeped into my view on what I create which is in turn stalling my ability to make meaningful progress that I don't immediately want to destroy. I've worked on potential Patreon content (including an exclusive game and a Creating Goncharov director's cut), made a Twine template and tutorial, and made progress on updates for Mousetrap and System Processing. I've avoided making changes to the Zorlok page (and my other itch.io pages) these past few months since I don't want people getting their hopes up seeing some sort of "update" from itch.io—only for that update to be "there's no game update yet." That's why those are still out of date, but I'll be fixing them as soon as I can.

So, that's where we are. I wish that I had way more to talk about and release, but that's not been a possibility and I'm just going to be upfront and honest—even if I am disappointed and somewhat afraid and ashamed to admit it. (that's it for the game updates, the rest just gets back to personal)

In general, I've always struggled with shame and fear and those are the main culprits for why I've been radio silent until now. I couldn't find a way to address these topics or talk about them without my odious inner critic getting triggered and shutting me down. However, I'm trying my best to not listen to that asshole because this (*gestures at everything*) must stop.

To be honest, I'm not content with prolonged existence anymore. I want to live—and that's more than I've been able to say for a long time. To be perfectly honest, for the past decade or so I've lived simply because others wanted me around, not because I wanted to be here. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of indifference being my best hope for how I feel about myself. I'm tired of forcing an apathetic soul to drag my flesh through the muck of living. I don't expect what I experience to improve, in fact things will definitely be getting tougher, but I want to change how I experience it. I want to actively live rather than passively slip by. I want to answer questions like "what do you want to do with your life?" and "what are your plans?" with more than vague shrugs and dead-hearted replies meant to brush people off the topic of the future. I want to stop passing through life as a ghost.

I'm still trying to find the motivation, purpose, or courage to genuinely live for myself instead of existing for other people. I still haven't found my "spark"—that properly and blissfully selfish reason to live—but I think wanting to search is a good start.

Anyways, I'll be around more and I'll be more honest with where I am and what's going on. It's my personal mission to deny fear's control over my life and actions. Part of that means allowing myself to be more open with people even if I'm afraid of judgment or negativity.

Excluding a few outliers, you've all been exceptionally kind and encouraging. I'm always overwhelmed and astonished with the support that's been shown to me and my creative projects and I appreciate you all. Thank you so much. Thank you for reading through this. Thank you for caring. You're part of why I'm around.

I hope that you're having a lovely day/night/et cetera and if you aren't, you're not alone ❤️.

I'll see you around. 😊 Thanks again,

Albie

#hi #albie's corner #update #but not a game update #sorry #just a general update #personal

[smilingbuckley]

15 questions 15 friends

Tagged by @tizniz

I won't be tagging anyone because I do not have 15 friends lol

Time to overshare

1. Are you named after anyone?

Nope. But I do think they got my 2nd name from a song, but I don't remember which one. They just liked my name I guess (I don't, which is why I go by my 2nd online)

2. When was the last time you cried?

Uhh yesterday or the day before. My memory is pretty bad lately. But I'm not doing so great and I keep getting knocked down when I think I can get up, and this week was a wreck

3. Do you have kids

Does my cat count? She sure acts like a little kid sometimes. Other than that, no. And I don't think I will. Not only does pregnancy scare the crap out of me, I do not have great genetics. I already struggle with my genetic disabilities and disorders, I don't want to be the reason someone else goes through the same as me. Plus, I don't think I'd be a good parent because I already get overstimulated when my cat begs for dinner an hour early.

4. What sports do you play/have you played

I used to dance. Started with jazz balet but my body type wasn't good for it - I could not do the split and stuff. I did win 2nd place before I moved to street dance. But then my parents got divorced and I moved, never picked it up again. I've never found a sport that I like enough to do. Maybe basketball, but I'm too small and can barely run so that's not happening

5. Do you use sarcasm

I do, but people never seem to know it is sarcasm and think I'm actually serious. It's like they pull an uno reverse card because I usually don't understand jokes and take them seriously

6. What is the first thing you notice about people?

Uh, I don't know. I tend to be uncomfortable around new people. Maybe their face? Idk.

7. What is your eye color

Green, currently. For some reason they keep changing. I was born with bright blue eyes - I'm talking Luke Hemmings bright blue eyes, maybe even lighter. Then as a child they changed to green. I used to love my light green eyes, but then they got darker. Now they seem to be green but turning grey-ish as well

8. Scary movies or happy endings

Happy endings. Duh

9. Any talents?

I am the insecure type of person who would say no, but I know I'd get people to say 'no you're a talented writer', so I'm gonna go ahead and say writing

10. Where were you born

Look, the Netherlands is a small country, so I'm not gonna say the town. But I will say it was in the province Friesland (Frisia/Fryslân) and in a big town (Frisian standards) that would’ve been a city if city rights still existed in my country. Oh and it's pretty known in the sports world.

11. What are your hobbies?

Writing, reading, watching shows, listening to music, play the sims. Oh and sleeping.

Yes I am lazy and I don't care

12. Do you have any pets?

My cat and she is the love of my life. Idk how I will live once I move out because chances are I can't take her with me

13. How tall are you?

I haven't really measured since I was 16, but I think around 168 cm.

14. Favorite subject in school?

I'd say English - it's different than the English classes in the US and UK - but tbh it was pretty boring because I was always levels ahead of my class. In the end, I loved social science a lot.

15. Dream job

Published author. But it doesn't pay shit in my country. Also, I can't travel and most book deals require you to be willing to travel for promotions in the Netherlands and Belgium

So I guess the next best thing would be anything to do with English. Maybe translating work like books or subtitles for shows because those are never accurate here.

[beingdreeyore]

It's a lazy Saturday morning and I know that I've earned it. It was my first week of disrupted sleep in two months and the hours at work were long. I'm so very tired today.

The groceries are late and I've already done my three gym sessions for the week, so it's just waiting for the groceries to get here so I can get my dancing out of the way and fully relax. Just sink into the couch and the weekend. There's been so much cleaning and life admin already today and it's only 9:30am. I'm hanging out for the nothingness of the afternoon.

I'm at the gym four days a week now. It just kind of happened of it's own accord. My back discomfort seems to be a permanent thing, or "sensitivity" as P the physio calls it. That was the compromise we reached after he kept calling it pain and I kept saying "but it's not always painful, it's just this constant discomfort." Apparently that is pain, but we agreed to disagree. It's at a level that I can manage now though and so I'm happy enough. I lift weights four days a week and I stretch my back every single night for five minutes as part of my pre-bed routine. I wake every morning around 3am due to the discomfort, so I reposition myself in child's pose (yes, to sleep) and usually I'm not awake for too long. It's probably a good thing I sleep alone and no one has to see that.

It sounds bad, I know, but it's really not. This morning I also realised it's been forever since I've felt my quad or hamstring pain. Those injuries are healed and the muscles now stronger than when I injured them. Now it's just the back (permanent), the left hip flexor, and my right forearm. Slowly my body is healing and moving past all these injuries I've carried for years. The hip flexor is waxing and waning so I know it's only a matter of time and it will be gone too.

There's a new instructor at the dance studio. After six months of silent tantrums and resentments that my normal teacher keeps changing the timetable at a week's notice - 6 changes in just as many months and always after I've finalised my roster to fit into the advertised timetable, fucking me over (not personal) due to my work commitments, I've finally accepted defeat and just booked in with the new instructor. I vaguely know her name. I know she works as a professional showgirl, so I'm pretty confident there's a lot I can learn from her. The positive is that the class is late at night. I know that sounds like a negative, but it's towards the end of the week so the late night won't kill me. It's a positive because those classes are always quiet. Hopefully it means I won't spend my life dodging cameras and being shared in people's instagram feeds against my will. I have hated dancing at the studio lately with the way the vibe has changed and I'm hoping this will bring my love back. There's an exclusive clique that has formed and they've become the poster girls for the studio. As they've become more and more exclusive and less inclusive, the enrolment numbers have reflected the vibe. There's so many empty classes now or classes with only 2 or 3 people. I'm hoping this class will let me keep going but avoid the drama. It's an exercise class for me, why is there drama?!

The groceries are nearly here. The pizza dough is rising. The washing is all done and I need to pick an online dance class to do. It's the quietest of weekends. Alone but not lonely. I'm so content lately with the little world I've created. I hope it can stay this way for awhile.

[kelseytheballerina]

Hi 2pretty! 💖

I just wanted to share some of the changes in my life inspired by you and the people around me. This is a lot of text and I understand if you can't read it or share it.

A bit of context: I've been following you now for almost a year, I found you just before starting my first semester at med school. I was already burnt out and I generally felt depressed and miserable, and I wanted to change that. I wanted a healthier mind and body, I wanted to meet my goals.

Better Friends

Like 6 months ago I noticed that my closest friends didn't really listen to me or valued my opinion after we had a fight. I analyzed what things we had in common, and found that our fundamental values didn't align anymore. I wanted to live a quiet life free of drama, gossip, misery and online bullying. I felt trapped, but my mind was set. I thanked them for our times together and explained that I just didn't feel like it was appropriate to continue treating each other.

Since then I've felt very calm, I do not regret my decision. People have shown me how they throw indirects about me in social media. They have written to me directly like 5 times trying to make me feel bad. I moved on (although it was very hurtful to see their behavior) while they keep trying to scare me? Make me miserable? Now I'm in a small group of friends. I'm still getting to know them, but I feel like they're generally more chill and so far I've felt good around them.

Grades

My first semester was very hard. Everything was still online and a lot of things in my life felt overwhelming. I tried to be a disciplined student, but I failed to sit down and study. I had to push myself very hard to do the bare minimum, but at the same time did as best as I could? I felt like I was a car running low on gas, I wasn't at my best performance, but I was still trying to go after my goals.

I ended up failing a subject for various reasons: lack of discipline, feeling like my worth depended on my grades, stressed out by the fight with my friends, trouble in my family...

Right now I am retaking this subject, and I have pushed myself harder. I still struggle to sit down and study everyday. In fact I can barely sit down and study for my finals. But I go to all my classes, I do all the readings, I prepared notes, paid attention in class and I was one of the students who participated the most. Absolutely in love with those butterflies in my stomach when the doctors ask a question which I know the answer to, and despite feeling a bit nervous of speaking up, something takes over me, and before I realize it my hand is up, I'm speaking, answering the question, and I get it right.

Every now and then I'm in a limbo where I feel like right now I've done well enough or feeling like I'm absolutely mediocre. Still, I feel WAY better than before and I know that at least I'm doing more than the first time I took this class.

Today I heard I got an 86 on my exam!! It was actually quite ironic because this morning I woke up all nauseous and crying, exaggerating what I remembered about the exam. This is one of the best scores I've gotten since I entered med school. This is in fact the best score I've gotten in this subject. Now I just need to push through and do well on my final to be back on the regular track. I'm still struggling to find that fire in my heart to study, but this is the best I've felt and performed for years ((with performance I don't mean results, I mean the actual journey, preparation, acquisition of knowledge)). I know I can do a lot better and will work towards it, but I'm so proud to see my progress after struggling for so long. Like I actually teared up when I saw my score. It felt so good to see my work come intro fruition.

Self confidence and looks

Still working on this aspect. The afternoon I found your blog I read ALL your posts about pretty privilege. A year ago I really wanted to elevate my presentation because I've always felt lesser than other girls in this aspect.

I haven't quite found my style, but one of my new friends is constantly saying how much she loves my outfits. Another friend said she looks up to me because she feels like I'm elegant? I had never recieved such compliments in my life. This isn't some purely materialistic thing. Dressing up makes me feel good and confident. I used to feel very nervous of what people would think or say about me. Now I just go on and do things without caring much. I don't feel so small anymore. Also, a month ago I went grocery shopping alone. 2 older men went out of their way to help me when I didn't even ask for help. Being kind and looking good definetly gets you to places.

Catholicism

I was raised Catholic, but drifted away from God for various reasons. A lot of other Catholics have tried to get me back in, but it felt like I was some project to them? I always understood it came out of love, yet this is a journey I had to come back to by myself.

When you started to speak more about your religious experience I felt something. I was mainly intrigued by the way you described your faith and connection to God.

One of my new friends is Christian, and when interacting with her I noticed so many details about her connection to Him. Her calmness, kindness, discipline. There was just something about her that really drew me in. I started to ask her questions about her experience with faith, and it felt so real? Before when I'd listen to people speak about it I'd get the ick. Even when I was religious I couldn't understand when people described feeling His presence, power, love. But when she described it, it felt like the most genuine thing I've heard.

I hadn't thought much about my curiosity until last week, when before sleeping I suddenly felt the urge to pray and just speak with Him. I still have a long way to go to reconnect with Him and rebuild our relationship, but I'm speaking with Him almost daily (some days I've fallen asleep before praying 😭😭, in fact, most times I drift off, wake up, and continue praying? 😭 idk why it's so soothing to the point of falling asleep mid-conversation).

I always heard people describing how they felt God's calling, but it was so foreign to me, I couldn't understand it at all. But that night I felt very drawn to him, and I think it was his way of calling ME. I still need to figure out what He has in his plans.

Discipline

Definetly something I wanted to work on, but still struggle with. I really really really do struggle with consistency and discipline. Yet I know this is the highest point I've been since 2019? 2020? Don't want to be too hard on myself for this because I know I'll probably end up in some guilt spiral, but regardless of my outcome in this class (I might fail and need to retake it for a 3rd time) I will spend all summer building my concentration and developing different skills.

I have cut off Instagram from my life, still struggle with Twitter tho... I deleted all games from my phone. I only watch TV when I'm downstairs. I have almost all notifications turned off my phone, so now I only reply to messages when I willingly open WhatsApp. This last thing is great progress, because every day I'd notice how I would stay there waiting for people to reply to my messages, and all the stress notifications caused me. Will definetly work more on digital-detoxing.

Health wise I've been eating better. I'm overeating way less, I try to eat a fruit at least once a day. I am now eating 3 times a day at normal times. Everyday I go to sleep before 12 p.m (feel sleepy at 11 but sometimes I have to delay my sleep a bit...), I wake up at more reasonable times.

Haven't been able to start a fitness regime (had surgery like 2 months ago for ovarian torsion, couldn't do physical activity for a month, and tbh now I'm putting it off until I'm done with exams). I plan on running a 5k marathon by November to motivate myself to consistently work out these months.

----

I still have a LOT to work on, but I am very proud of my progress so far. I know there's untapped potential in me, and I plan to squeeze it all out. My progress might not be much compared to others, but it's honest work and I'm thankful for all the little and big struggles I've faced.

Like I said, I used to feel like a beat down car running low on gasoline that was still forced to power through it all. I felt so tired, miserable, depressed, and most of all doomed. I might not be the happiest person in earth, but my mood is significantly better. I do not feel dread, I am not envious of others, I criticize people way less, I feel loved, I feel confident. I was so spiteful that I deemed nature as something stupid and childish (out of my own spite and resentment towards people who were happier than me), yet today I was so happy to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin as I walked next my school's trees. I really cannot thank you enough for being such a positive influence in my life. Whenever you post about good things happening to you, I feel so happy for you and at the same time I feel inspired. I don't know if my message properly reflected how you have impacted my life, but please know that you have inspired me to change for the better. I have never been so happy. Really, thank you so so so so much 2pretty. Have a great day! 💖

(Sorry for any typos or weird expressions, I just let my mind flow on the keyboard. And again, sorry for the long message 😭)

My jaw is on the floor 😍. This is incredible! I love your transformation and I am so proud to have been some help to you on your journey. I love you. Keep going strong 💘💕

#ask

[prismuffin]

OwO Anon, we need to stop sharing the same brain cell. I had it before my shift, did you take it??

Anyways, I noticed some of your tags and stuff about your snake and how crazy things have been for you. I'm not stalking your blog, I swear... I just have notifications on..

Please use this ask box message, to rant/ vent about what you are okay with sharing!

Because, you seem like the type to not bring up shit in conversation, snice you'll feel like an asshole if you took up space in a convo.

- Crow

CROW LMFAO not you calling me out perfectly with that last sentence-

yeah I practically have no one to talk to because of my current situation and I feel bad for ranting whenever but I'll take the invite and rant a bit- so with that in mind, you can ignore everything under the cut but thank you for this vent ask!

But yeah there's just a lot happening right now and it's all making me feel really bad which in turn is making me feel worse because I feel like I have no right to feel bad??

Things are pretty wild with my family right now- for some context my family is pretty big with my parents having 10 kids in total- my mom didn't have all 10 and all of my siblings are half siblings so growing up I was the only one with both of my parents present- the rest of my siblings were only related to my dad or mom. Now that mostly everyone has moved out or is living with their mom/dad they're trying to go into their retirement plan and the only problem with that is I'm still here!

my parents are trying to live in the US for certain parts of the year and in Mexico for the other parts which is totally fine but it's completely uprooting my life and I have no idea what to do. I already dropped out of my school because my depression was worsening (like it got real bad) and I couldn't take it anymore so I left it for college prep (which is online and allows me to control my hours and how much work I do) so I lost contact with most of my friends then and I'm losing time with all my other ones because I'm in a different country for half of the year- and in said country I also have no friends and the one friend I did make is leaving for Portugal so I can't hang out with them anymore.

Me moving countries/traveling often means that I have to sell most of my stuff since I won't always be in a place for too long. I already had to give away my dog and now I'm gonna have to sell my snake as well and it's terrible because I'm very attached to both of my pets. I also have to get rid of all of my clothes and throw practically everything in my room away to make moving easier and once again I'm very attached to all my stuff so it's really stressful.

I don't like to complain about all of this though because I think I sound ungrateful. Like- Wow, you get to travel the world often and at such a young age without having to worry about school? That sounds soooo hard, you're struggling sooo much. I feel like shit for hating the traveling because I know there's people that would do anything to be in my position and to see some super cool places that my parents are planning on living in for a while but the whole thing is really uprooting the comfortable life I built for myself within the comfort of my room with my snake and dog and classes that I could control. In a way it's like they're taking all of my control. I feel like I have none of it and in a way I kinda don't.

The whole thing is making my depression come back in full force- I was going to therapy for a bit but then that stopped.

Then there's the one time I was literally crying at a huge birthday dinner for one of my parents friends and no one noticed at all and at the end of the night I got yelled at in the middle of the street because I just wanted to walk home after the dinner instead of walking to the hosts house to continue the party. Random tangent I know but I think that's the night my depression fully came back and hit in the face.

Writing is a safe thing for me, I enjoy it and I enjoy making content for others and writing for myself even, at times. Recently I haven't been able to do much of that though not only because of school but also my motivation is dropping bit by bit which is why after these requests I might take break from writing while things sort themselves out in my life. I'll still be active on Tumblr and doing asks and such but writing full fics for others might take me some time!

But yeah, that's some of the things that are happening that I'm comfortable talking about. I feel like this post is too long already so I won't get into the other stuff that actually led to my depression worsening but-

thanks Crow! Even if you didn't read this I suppose it's a bit better to get this off of my chest.

#what can I say #Pris got Probs #thanks crow #personal rant #just some extra btw: #I was on my own for a bit and it was fine but then my parents got back and now it's all “get rid of the snake” “have you sold your pc yet?” #theres also some stuff with my ex and her relapsing and me wanting to reach out and help her but not knowing how #the way we ended things make them kinda complicated but hopefully I can get her a gift or smth for when she's out of the ward

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

How do people make friends? I really struggle to connect with people.

I’ve had close friend before, like in middle school. And I really cherish those memories. I still care for those friends but we grew apart as time went on. But things have been hard for me ever since especially now in uni it’s hard

you should ask someone who wants to make friends xdd

I am not the type of person who seeks social interaction, so I can't say I have consistent experience on this. But I do understand that, for most, friendships are essential for enrichment of life itself. Therefore, to make friends in your areas of interest, you need to put yourself in situations where those people interact and speak to those that interest you.

The reason why it is so easy to make friends when you're younger is 1) promixity - if you're in some type of school, all of the children there already have a shared experience (education? hopefully, lol) and 2) fearlessness - you're not afraid to put yourself out there. You don't yet have repeated experiences of disagreements, rejection, awkwardness, learning the difficulties of reconciliation, etc. When you're in school, you all have something to talk about that's everyone around you is going through.

Once you move to university and beyond, however, these two things change. Individuals are trying to hone their area of expertise, find who they are, and everyone is on a different path. You might also become more apprehensive about approaching others because you don't know what they've been through and they don't know what you've been through. It's also hard to make friends in adulthood since there's no "central place" to easily make friends.

To make friends in adulthood, you need to 1) put yourself in places where people gather that share your interests (to have something in common / jumpstart a convo) and 2) know what kind of people you want to be friends with. For example, if you want to have friends to work out with, go to specific gym classes that you're interested in. Go to food festivals if you're a big foodie. Concerts, comedy shows, video game tournaments - there's tons of options, both free and some you need to pay for. You can even make online friends. If there's a genre of YouTube videos you're always watching, comment on those videos. Engage with social media accounts that interest you. You can't be a lurker - you gotta put yourself out there to people you would like to be friends with.

Which brings me to my second point - determine what kinds of people you want to be friends with. Do you want people going through a similar path as you in life? Or different paths to learn from? Do you want people to inspire you? Do you want a group to do something specific with? People also have types of personalities they best get along with too. Are you someone who is low energy and need someone higher energy? The opposite? Similar energy level? Go into it with an open mind ofc, but I think it's good to have an idea if the kinds of people you want to be around so you're not overwhelmed. You don't need to have any great expectations. People don't become best friends right away. You can also have different friends for your different areas of interest (ex: kpop friends who are not the same people as your workout buddies, etc). The depth of relationships occurs over time and requires emotional chemistry. Compatability depends on willingness if both parties. Don't force it too much; let what comes naturally happen.

Go out and do stuff you're interested in. Talk to people. Allow others to approach you. Be okay with rejecting those that aren't the kinds of people you want to surround yourself with. Doesn't mean they're bad. Maybe they're just not clicking with you right now. Be okay with being rejected - it's not personal. Maybe they're having a bad day or they're looking for a different type of person.

but

I'm not really an expert on this, this is just information I received from others way more sociable than I am which is not that difficult lol all I wanna do is play video games and hang out with my cat

y-yeah this cat ofc

and a bunbun

[chonideno]

Hi Choni! I was reading a mha fanfiction and you popped in my mind. I used to read your stories and enjoyed following you on twt. I was just wondering how you were doing and how leaving fandom-life had gone? It seems like a big thing to let go off (in my eyes), so i was honestly curious of your experience. If that makes sense. Sending you lots of good vibes <3

addressing those two together because they're similar - thanks for checking in! I'm doing good, actually I'm doing better than I have in a while (and I was already doing good before so life's been good).

I'm not avoiding fandom per se, I still follow the fandom-focused accounts and friends I used to, but I spend a lot less time online in general and honestly? best thing. being more grounded and spending more of my time and energy on my direct environment, taking care of existing relationships and building new ones, and just... not escaping to twitter 10 times a day, not being exposed to things that are horrible/overwhelming/way too intimate holy shit why do I get to see that/completely irrelevant to my circumstances and my life in general, well!! that's worked out great for me so far!!! 100% recommend it!! who would have guessed the brain works better when experiences are physical and sensory and within its control!!!

I am still very fond of the fandoms I was in/I've been in, and of course I still love my friends and mutuals. I still read the manga, I still get into new shows etc, it's just not nearly as big a part of my life anymore. I needed that.

so what have I been doing? well I'm still rollerskating and I'm still so goddamn bad at it, somehow I can't get these legs to work. I'm probably going to start rowing sometimes this month, I did some over the summer and it was so much fun. I'm trying to enroll in a year-long class to become a certified beekeeper, we'll see at the end of this month if it works out. I got involved in a local association working to support local farmers conscious of environmental and social challenges, pay them what they deserve for their work, and bring their produce to the city. now I'm trying to figure out if I have time in the week to get into french boxing as well.

I still have a full time job, but outside of that I've been to more museums, and on nice dates, and to an awful weekend-long rave party in a field right in the middle of nowhere. I'm designing and will soon be knitting a cardigan for my mom (it'll be her christmas present). I also started reading the Petit Traité des Grandes Vertus by Comte-Sponville on a friend's recommendation - a philospher's essay on the inherent moral good found in people.

So I'm good! I'm really good. In a way I didn't know I could be. I'm almost 28 and my own brain still surprises me

#i'm just really good #it's not that i never thought thinsg could be this good #i just didn't know this way existed #it's like.. new colors you know #you've been in rooms your whole life and you try something new and you open a door and instead of finding another room you find a field #kind of like that #not that dramatic or extatic but still good #mag answers #anonymous

[emmymaehereeeeee]

I sometimes feel that, because school is coming up, so many people out there are saying stuff may come out later because of school ya know. I always feel so bad saying that. Especially when I jump in and out of fandoms. I always try to not tell people that i am an online college student (I'm in my third year)... because then they think what's the point of doing college online? Or they automatically think that... I have so much more time on my hands.

Truth is... well yeah it has its aspects... but there are so many things I have to read so much stuff I have to do, and to juggle a job on top of it. I work five days out of the week. I think when you spend so much time on a fic or just on something and it doesn't get as much love it hurts. Because I spent time out of my day to write that. I put a fun little game on it, and it just does shit.

I suffer through a lot of things, and my Autism has been just killing me. I didn't always have this issue or even like... and no one believes me when I tell them I have autism. I went to my doctor or sent me to a therapist and I told them that I was looking to get diagnosed. Went through the whole thing and in the end she was like, "Well its definite there that you have autism I cannot probably diagnose you that you have it"

Its hard growing up and being told... you cant just develop all these things of Autism when you're twenty. Just a few weeks ago I can remember when I had to wash my hair, shower, and do my clothes. Now I can barely remember and have to write it down on the calendar.

How does this all work together you ask? Because when I write I write maybe a paragraph before I sit lean back in my chair to watch tiktok for way longer then needed. I was able to get fic out day by day, and I don't know how you're able to write such short things, it's like my body physically cannot let that happen.

I don't know if it's because I took creative writing classes. But It pains me so much when I can't write anything under 1,000 words. And then it pains me when I sit there looking at a request and being like... I don't know how. like how to I set up a background, how do I end it? And I just can't write it, so it sits there forever while I work on other things, and I feel like people get mad that It's not out right away.

And the hate, god... why are people coming out here and hating? I can't wait for people to say... you don't have Autism cause you diagnosed yourself or they didn't actually diagnose you. Please for the love of god... some people don't have the guts to ask for help. Some people feel embarrassed to admit it, own family members will think your crazy.

I haven't seen my boyfriend in four goddamn months even though he lives twenty minutes away. Why? Don't ask me I don't know. He only wants to see me at fucking midnight when I'm already asleep cause the dude doesn't sleep.

My point is... for people who put out requests... if someone says they can do better... they will rewrite it and it may take longer. If you don't hear a response back, it doesn't mean we're ignoring you. We seen it, trust me, I check my inbox every single day.

I'm sorry I went off, I never really told anyone and I guess everyone will know now.

‼️IF ANYBODY SENDS @asshlyyyy ANY TYPE OF HATE WE ARE GONNA HAVE SOME MAJOR PROBLEMS‼️

hey babes, you are completely valid in your statements. your fics are amazing, great works take time. You have such amazing pieces, being diagnosed later in life is hard. If anyone and I mean anyone wants to come at you saying anything rude to you, i will personally beat some ass. you are doing amazing babes. If you want my p.ms are always open. I love you so much, you are valid and you are loved. You are completely valid in all of your points. I love you honey

#emmy mae talks #emmymaewrites💜

[chronicals-of-top-surgery]

~2 months post OP, too many days to count now lmao. 8/10/22

Ok, i know I barely updated for the entirety of July and that's terrible of me, but I've been kept extremely busy by having one month to pack up the place I was living at to move into my new apartment. I finally moved a few days ago and I've finally settled in at least a little. There's a lot of unpacking to do but either way, let me go over milestones I missed in July.

So, early July I started sleeping regularly on my side. It didn't hurt that much which was great, still couldn't sleep on my stomach at all. mid July, I went swimming! We went to a water park and I got to swim a bunch. I was careful and it's not like I was doing laps and shit, but I went down a water slide a few times and just did some gentle swimming and tbh I think that helped me a lot. It helped me gently stretch the muscles and skin without a ton of strain and I feel like I got way more confident after this. Late July I started work again but I was very keen to let them know I'm not doing heavy shit. I refused to lift stuff over my head or do super heavy lifting, I was not going to do deep cleaning scrubbing, and even just doing light stuff, I came home pretty sore at times. I also got a massage and laid on my stomach and it actually wasn't that bad! It helped a LOT with the tension and aching sensation in my back from being stagnant for so long while healing.

I'm certain that all of the sutures have dissolved away and my scars look magnificent! Both nipples are attached well and look great, though the left one, around the top of it, it has a bit of a lip to it because of the scabbing, but it's actually starting to smooth out and become flush. I don't have a ton of sensation still but I have more than I used to. I can feel the pressure of something now, so if you drag a pen across my chest, I can feel the pen there only because of the pressure into my muscles. I can't feel feather light touches or anything. Except my sternum, I think I have almost full sensation in my sternum.

I start classes late this month and I also start working again at the store I transferred to. It's been an extremely hectic time, moving all my stuff, helping my mom and sister move out of the state my sister went to college in, then making sure I had everything to start MY college. It's been a lot, no doubt about that, and I know my stress levels need to be brought down. I'm excited though! This is a new city that I already really enjoy and it's full of new opportunities for me. I went to college before but dropped out to focus on getting a job and bettering my mental health, not to mention save up for top surgery. Unbeknownst to me, I quit at the perfect time because right after I quit and moved states for a new job (twice), covid hit! I'm happy to be going back when this college has figured itself out, mandating vaccines, knowing how to use online schooling better, etc.

So, now here I am! New name, new body, new city, fresh start! I can't wait to start again and see where life takes me. As always, I'm going to try and keep updating, even if it takes me a hot while to do it, because I want to keep these memories here for my benefit and for the benefit of everyone who may be curious about the healing process and timeline of top surgery. I'll see y'all in the next update, be safe, you're loved, and obligatory drink some water <3

#ftm #lgbt #top surgery #top surgery recovery #trans #transgender #transmasc

[ravixen]

EEEEP AND FOR THE FIC WRITER ASK GAME !!! i apologize in advance if you’ve already answered some of these and i know i gave a lot bc there’s some good questions on there :O so u can choose whichever ones u want to answer :D

3, 18, 20/21 (whichever one or both), 28, 30, 39, and 44 💓

// fic writer ask game

hi, alex!! i'm drawing with friends so i will do the handwritten ask after, but here are the ones you asked for. there's too many good questions on this list! under the read more because this one's long:

3 - Are there any fics that inspired you to write what you do?

tbh, not any that i can think of right now!! but there was one haikyuu blog (now deactivated) that really pushed me to reboot this blog in 2021 with a focus on reactions rather than fics.

18 - Do you have a WIP that you keep telling yourself you’ll eventually get back to, but deep down you know that’s probably a lie?

ah...yeah, that one ot12 (ot11 now lmfao) exo series called we're the lucky ones that also included four OCs. i have so many snippets for scenes, character dynamics, love lines, multi-layer antagonists, rising stakes, etc. but the project is just too big for me. another one is a re-write of my namjoon fic frontlines, sidelines, headlines because i wrote as a self-indulgent thing at 16 years old. re-reading it made me realize that i had so many plot holes and no world building. another project that's too big.

20 - What’s your (21 - least) favorite part about the fanfiction writing process?

not really part of the writing process, but the moment when you've been away from your writing for a while and then read it again! i guess this can be considered the editing process if you haven't posted yet. i reread my writing (bad habit of editing while writing) and get tired of it, so stepping back and seeing it with fresh eyes is so satisfying. least favorite...can i say the entire writing part LOL maybe when you have a scene in mind but have no idea how to get there!!

28 - How do you deal with writing pressure (ie: pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc)?

i don't :) fic writing is for me alone, so i do it whenever i feel like. no pressure to update or deadlines, except for that stressful fiction writing class that shattered my confidence. as for negative comments...yeah, i've gotten some. i get heated lol and then distract myself and ignore them. readers come and go - i gotta put myself first if i want to keep writing.

30 - Post a snippet from your current WIP without context - no more than 300 words.

not kpop, sorry lol i have 4 writing blogs:

Someone in front of him whistles lowly. "Damn, you look like shit," the newcomer says, knocking the toes of his shoes with theirs.

Brick raises his head and squints into the sun, barely making out Buttercup's grimace once she catches sight of his expression. "Yeah?" he manages as she slides her shades onto her hair. "Thanks, I tried my best to look like you."

"Seems like you still got some bite, at least." She leans down to get a closer look, taking the chewed lollipop stick out of her mouth and pointing it towards his nose. "So who peed on your pancakes this morning?"

"Christ, you're where Boomer got that from?"

39 - answered here!

44 - Rant about something writing related.

to all the readers: pls interact!! does this count? i feel like i'm beating a dead horse since the topic's been discussed so much many times already, but i'm so ??? because like. sometimes my posts will get almost 100 likes, but so few reblogs? which means, if you're not online when i post or if you don't check my writing tag frequently, it's gone. reblogging helps so much with visibility by sharing my work with others throughout the day or at different times. this when paired with a lack of feedback overall, whether that be in the tags/reblogs, comments, or my ask box...i've been refocusing on my anime writing for feedback lol i have lots of creative outlets, so i can move wherever: writing for various fandoms, drawing, and singing.

#katalk #woozisnoots.reply

[bardkin]

need to fling some downer ttrpg group thoughts out into the ether.

really stuck in a rut, just in general, and like... it's the usual. hate work, feel shitty, co-workers turning my existence and mistakes into jokes, can't do much of anything about it.

only upside right now is my big online roleplay group has started back up, i'm involved in a monthly-ish online dnd game with out-of-state friends, and in-person friends are open to learning pathfinder 2e.

sounds great! why am i not nearly as excited as i should be !!!

i don't think i'm a good fit for my in-person group, when it comes to tabletop rpgs. out-of-state group is more of a balance when it comes to combat and narrative, tho they lean a little more combat thus far.

in-person group could do nothing but crunchy dungeon crawls and be more than happy. and yeah, combat's fun, but i like story - a lot. and barely any of them really seem to, or they at least could comfortably live without it.

so i know how pathfinder is going to end up, after a while. we can maybe get one session of roleplay bullshit before they start wanting to hit stuff with abilities. & like, fair to 'em i guess, but i'm personally kind of over heavily combat-focused stuff. like i said - balanced is nice. it just felt like a lot of previous sessions we'd done in dnd 5e were Mostly aimed at combat, or Getting To combat, with just a bit of inter-party fuckery in between violence-oriented shenanigans. mostly interrogating enemies that we saved for info gathering, double-crossing a group, shit like that.

their characters aren't Bland or Just Stats & A Class by any means, they're... it's the difference between a Paragraph of Biography vs a Page of Biography. like, it doesn't seem like much at first blush, but comparing concepts between all of us always... feels really imbalanced. and i always feel kind of ashamed and embarrassed for putting more than three to five sentences worth of thought into my PCs.

i wanna possibly bring up something like Kids On Bikes (and hacks/homebrews of it so we can fuck around in all kinds of settings & scenarios), but i really doubt they'd go for it. "never know till you ask" etc etc, my rsd is already flaring at the thought of them not liking the idea. i'll get around to it, i just have to be ready to take the hit & be further disappointed.

i just know they'd most likely turn it down. there is a chance they'd say "sure, let's give it a shot" but that feels slim & i'm also not sure what the fuck i'd do from there. i'm so expectant that they'll turn down the idea if/when i ask. that's Probably the anxiety talking, but it's a high likelyhood due to my observation of play styles. (i don't even wanna think of how they'd react to me asking if they wanted to try something like Wanderhome. i can just hear "what's the point [if i can't hit stuff & see big numbers go up]?") i really doubt any of them would be willing to get even close to the level of character roleplay that i'd love to engage with & put forth.

like. i'm not asking for crit role levels of Grown Theater Kid Actor roleplay. i'm not even asking for like... acting specifically. i think i just kinda want a game where the characters have a bit more to them, & we have pre-game discussions about what directions we want the story to go. not just "we all separately make our characters, only really share our info with dm, & provide an introductory sentence about our pc on game day."

it's not currently possible for me to make other in-person friends, let alone find ones that would want to play narrative-driven ttrpg systems.

so i'm just kind of stuck & feeling bad about it.

[casspurrjoybell-24]

Sugar Punch - Chapter 30

*Warning Adult Content*

- Maddox -

Spending the weekend with Theo was just what I needed, to recharge myself.

We'd spent the whole weekend doing whatever came to mind, from hours at a time playing online games together, to watching movies and quick workouts in my home gym.

From the time I spent with him, I'd like to say we got to know each other fairly well, from telling him which foods I liked and ate as a kid, to what else I like to do besides working out.

Theo is a simple guy compared to most I knew, he liked what he liked and nothing else bothered him, he played games with his online friends and up until recently, he liked to work out, he was the classic little nerd.

Even if he was just a nerdy guy, I found it refreshing being around him, not once did he bring up kickboxing or any shit my friends usually did, like girls, cars or going out to get drunk, Theo didn't care about any of that.

I didn't have to wear the mask I held up around him, I got to be myself, even if I didn't understand a word of what he said when he spoke about the game, he was trying to teach me.

"Let's do something else," I suggest, my neck getting stiff from sitting still for so long.

I close my laptop and look over to Theo to see a frown on his face as he does the same, as I notice his phone light up on the coffee table, not seeing who it was.

"What do you want to do?" he asks, reaching out for his cell-phone as I stand up and stretch my stiff arms as I think about it.

"Oh," he mumbles, as I look and see him type something into his phone.

"What's up?" I ask, looking around for my own phone.

"My friends from class keep asking me to come out..." he mumbles. "I told them I was busy... but they keep asking. I'll just ignore them."

His friends?

That could be something but did I want to meet a bunch of nineteen, twenty-year-olds on a weekend?

Fuck no I didn't.

Yet, I knew if we stayed inside the whole weekend, I'd only end up hurting Theo more.

Being around him just makes me so horny that I can't stop myself, so maybe this is what he needs.

"Let's go meet them then," I suggest, grabbing my phone and looking at the time, seeing as it was only two o'clock.

Theo looked at me with panic in his eyes.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

Was I sure about this?

No but I could use some fresh air and besides, I was curious about these friends of his and not just people taking advantage of him.

"Yeah, text them back and I'll go get ready," I tell him and start walking towards my bedroom for some clean clothes.

I could see Theo pale as he texted his friends back, I knew what I was doing was risky... Theo is a quiet guy, now imagine this quiet guy who up with a famous guy out of the blue... if I were his friends I'd be confused as hell too.

Would it be so bad if people knew?

The more I thought about it, the more I questioned why I felt so conflicted about just coming out with it, the only real problem was I couldn't be with Theo twenty four/ seven, so I couldn't control what would be said to him.

Nobody would say anything to me, famous athletes are coming out left and right... so would it be so bad if I said I'm dating a guy?

Ha, probably, the press would eat this shit up, especially since Theo is only nineteen.

Fuck, I was ten years older than him, of-course coming out with our relationship would cause heat.

I'd be lucky if anyone wanted to fight me again, something like this could potentially ruin my career.

I could retire, I had more than enough money to live comfortably.

I also had my job at the gym, would it be so bad if I stopped professional fighting?

Could I really stop fighting?

"Maddox, I'm ready," Theo says behind me.

I turn around and see he already has his shoes and jacket on.

Was Theo worth it?

It was still too early to tell but what I did know was that I wasn't scared... there were always ways to earn as a fighter, it wouldn't be the end of my career.

"Alright," I smile at a nervous Theo and I slip on my white trainers, then grab the jacket with my car-keys inside the pocket.

Fuck, I must be going crazy to be doing this.

"Let's go," I say, reaching out to hold Theo's hand in mine, as I lead him out of my penthouse.

Once we got inside the elevator, I look at my phone again and see that Aiden has tried to phone me and when I didn't pick up, he left me a bunch of text messages.

I didn't need to open them to see what he wanted... he never changed and I knew that if I talked to him right now, I'd only end up fighting with him, so some time apart from him is just what I needed, to keep my sanity.

I just wanted two days, two days where I felt normal and that was only possible with Theo with me.

Theo was quiet all the way down to the parking lot... I decided to take my least extravagant car today, to not draw too much attention to us, as I'm sure Theo would appreciate.

"So, where am I driving to?" I ask him, getting into the driver's seat and turning the car on, as Theo got into the passenger seat.

Theo fumbles with his cell-phone before he hands it to me, with a map and directions on it, to a location I didn't really know but could tell it was a bar from the name of the place it led to.

"My friends wanted to try this place... but we really don't have to go if it's too... public," Theo says quietly.

I input the directions into my cars GPS.

"Have you told them about me yet?" I ask, as I start driving out the parking lot and onto the road.

"Um... not really," his voice tight.

I looked at him from the corner of my eye.

"They think I'm... dating a girl, my roommate... Marcus might've heard me talk to you once on the phone, he told the rest so..."

What the hell?

I sigh out, understanding the situation but it doesn't bother me, he was in a situation that was hard to explain, Theo was a normal guy, who lived a normal life, with normal people who lived normal lives.

What was Theo going to tell his friends when I show up, instead of this mystery girl they think he's fucking?

I couldn't help but laugh because I couldn't even imagine Theo with a woman, not after the things I've done with him.

"You can just tell them I'm a friend and your trainer," I suggest, not that bothered with bending the truth to avoid an uncomfortable situation.

"Are you sure?" Theo asked and I shrug.

"Unless you want to tell them we're dating."

Theo grew quiet and although I was expecting this reaction, it still kind of pissed me off that he didn't feel comfortable with being seen with me as his boyfriend because that's what I was.

The whole ride was quiet, while Theo shifted in his seat nervously as I drove, I was deep in thought as I went over all the ways I could smooth the situation over better but everything I came up with was not good enough.

Once I reached the place, I found a place to park and took a look around, it looked like a decent place and I noticed that Theo's campus wasn't that far either, neither was his apartment but it was still a heavily popular area for students.

I brought a cap but now I'm thinking now that it didn't matter what I wore because I was going to stand out like a sore thumb around these kids.

I wasn't an idiot.

I knew how people looked at me and what they thought when they saw me.

I turned the car off and took off my seatbelt, as did Theo, I could see he was nervous with me here but it wasn't anything new, apart from this would be our first outing together in public, around people he knew.

"Theo, wait up."

I stop him, just as he goes to open the passenger door.

"Hmm?"

He turns around and before he could say anything else, I grip his jacket and pull him towards me and place my lips on his.

I moved my lips over Theo's until he started to kiss me back and after a minute goes by of kissing him, I release my hold of his jacket and lean back, enough to see his face.

"What's your safe word?" I ask and Theo's cheeks blush a soft pink.

"W-What?"

I chuckled because he doesn't understand what I mean.

"If you want to bail, we should have a safe word, so what's it going to be?"

His eyes widen when he finally gets it, then he finally smiles.

"O-Oxy."

"Oxy?" I repeat and then laugh.

How did he come up with that?

"Alright, Oxy is our getaway word."

Theo blushed beet red for some reason and as I got out of the car, I realized it must be a nickname from my name but I didn't have a chance to ask him as I hear two voices call his name.

"Theo," a loud red-haired girl's voice yells.

I turn around and see her running.

She eventually crashes into Theo and wraps her arms around his neck.

I lock my car and watch with a ghost smile on my face as Theo looks uncomfortable... the girl pulls back grinning before her eyes meet mine.

Just then, two other guys, come up behind her.

"You finally made it... woah," one guy says, staring at my car. "Is this yours Theo?"

"N-No," he mumbles, clearing his throat.

I walked over to him, enjoying how uncomfortable he is with all the sudden attention.

"This is Maddox Zane... m-my trainer and friend, he drove me here," he says, as I smiled at him, before looking at his three gaping friends.

"No fucking way," one guy, who wore thick black rimmed glasses, exclaimed.

"Hey, nice to meet you all," I said casually, holding my hand out, in front of the guy in glasses, who I guessed was Marcus, Theo's roommate.

He just simply gapes at me, before the girl who ran into Theo gripped my hand tightly, as I looked at her face, red and similar to Theo's from the first time he met me.

"I-I-I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN," she suddenly shouts loudly, before realizes, making me smile awkwardly as I looked at Theo.

Theo looks just as surprised by her sudden outburst, making me laugh as the girl started talking about my fight two days ago.

I knew then that I was going to at least try to get along with his friends, not for my sake but for Theo's.

This was going to be a first for me, fuck... I'm in it deep now, at-least until Theo was ready to leave... 

[ghost-town-story]

Hey there! I'd like to learn a little more about your writing process. Feel free to give as much or as little detail as you see fit.

What do you consider to be essential for a successful writing session?

Do you like to have a certain snack or drink on hand?

Do you have to listen to a certain type of music to get in the mood or do you work better in silence?

Do you like to work in the same location every time you write or do you like to switch it up regularly?

Do you need a detailed plan of where the story is going before you can draft anything or do you prefer to jump right in and make everything up as you go along?

-with love and ✨Good Vibes✨ from a friend

Heyo! Thanks so much for the ask (and for waiting so long for a reply) <3 I'mma toss my answers beneath a cut, since I do get a bit rambly lol

What do you consider to be essential for a successful writing session?

Honestly, just getting words down lol. Sometimes during NaNo times, I'll have little goals along the lines of "I wanna finish this scene tonight" or "I wanna get to this plot point/conversation", but that's about the extent of it.

Do you like to have a certain snack or drink on hand?

Nah not really. Typing requires two hands, and I already have to pause for my hair-twirling habit, so snacking is out of the question lol. As for drinks, I have a bad habit of forgetting about them so also no not really XD (Though as a side note, I recently tried boba for the first time in years and oh man, now that I've actually tried different varieties I've gotten obsessed. So maybe that lol. Specifically peach green tea with mango popping boba is just *chef's kiss*)

Do you have to listen to a certain type of music to get in the mood or do you work better in silence?

I have recently discovered I work worse in silence XD. So yeah, I need music. I do have a couple of WIP playlists, but I don't have to listen to them in order to write. They're more there for if I need a lil nudge to get back into that WIP, or I wanna zone out and daydream in that world for a while.

Do you like to work in the same location every time you write or do you like to switch it up regularly?

This is gonna be a bit of an Answer lol.

The one hard and fast criteria i have for a writing location is that I have to be in a spot where nobody can look over my shoulder at what I'm writing. I don't know why, but I just get incredibly uncomfy whenever there's a chance of somebody glancing over and seeing what's on my screen, even if it's just the cutest fluff that I'm about to post online.

But, back in Ye Olde School Days, I would write literally anywhere. I used to put a writing notebook under my school one, and when I started typing up my stories I put them on a flashdrive so I could work on a school computer during my free periods. Even during theater shows, since my job was a lot of "hurry up and wait," during the waiting bits I'd just sit in my corner of backstage, or in the tech room, tippity tappity away at my laptop keys lol.

So yeah. Used to change up where I was writing a lot lol. And because this question got me a lil nostalgic for some reason, my two favorite spots that are coming to mind:

In high school, the highest place you could go was called the Crow's Nest. It was a little half-floor overlooking the main entryway, no walls so everybody in the entryway could hear you, and people could see you from the right angles. But there was a table and a couple of chairs up there, and big windows so you could look out over the trees, and during classes it would be real quiet cause there were better places to hang out with friends.

In college, there was a stairwell in one of the academic buildings. It wasn't heavily used except between classes, cause it was a bit out of the way and not really near any classrooms. Mostly teacher offices and the Chem-E lab. It was also the only stairwell in that building with a mural. There were a couple of tables in that stairwell, but my favorite was the one that was under the stairs, cause anybody going down them wouldn't see me unless they practically turned around on their way out of the stairwell, and anybody going upstairs wouldn't be able to see my laptop screen. The only bad thing about that table is that it didn't have an outlet, so I'd have to move to a more exposed table if my laptop was dying lol.

The one constant location has always been my bedroom, since maximum privacy there. And that's where I do most of my writing nowadays, since pandemic and graduation and jobs happened and I don't particularly feel like going out into public just to write lol. Tho I did bring a lil notebook to work with me one day and wrote about 4 pages of Apocalypse Survival while on break, which was pretty fun.

Do you need a detailed plan of where the story is going before you can draft anything or do you prefer to jump right in and make everything up as you go along?

A little bit of both, honestly XD For my newer projects, I'm doing a lot more worldbuilding before I start drafting, but ultimately, for things like nailing down characters and plot, I do that best if I just jump right in. And sometimes, even when I'm like "no I need to worldbuild", I'll still jump in and write a few scenes cause I'm impatient lol

#writing #asks #thanks for the ask!

[katrinamckee03]

Limiting Beliefs

An online writing course I'm taking has a section on "limiting beliefs". The things that prevent you from writing. The little ideas that get into your head. Gremlins, if you will, that come between you and getting your story onto the page.

We were asked to think about what our limiting beliefs were, and it brought me back to an incident in 2004. I was in my second year of my undergraduate degree. A Diploma of Arts/Bachelor of Arts (Professional Writing & Editing) course. I was doing really well, often receiving high marks for my work.

I was writing my first full-length novel as part of the course, as well as several short stories. I was learning how to edit and the different writing styles, from content writing and memoir, to fiction. When I wasn't writing for my course, I was neck-deep in fan fiction. Japanese anime was my current obsession, and I'd garnered a following in that specific fandom.

That year, the Diploma side of things decided to put out a short story collection as part of the Publishing class that I was in. We would oversee putting the book together right through to launching it. It would be printed off-site since our school didn't have a printing press capable.

I wrote a short story for the anthology. It was a humourous autobiographical retelling of some things my mother and I had gotten up to in recent months, including a paraphrasing of our banter. I have an excellent relationship with my mother, and when I showed her the story, we laughed over it. Others who read it also chuckled, saying it was good.

Then it all went horribly wrong.

Instead of using the editing class from our university, the teacher chose a class from a different university to edit the anthology. It was her class, and she in particular selected to edit my story herself.

What I got back wasn't my story. She'd rewritten it, changing it from witty banter between a parent and child into a mother and daughter who hated each other. What was once teasing jabs had turned into snarky insults. Her reasoning was "a real mother and daughter don't have that sort of relationship". Did I mention it was autobiographical?

I sat in the cafeteria and cried. When I was done, I contacted her to tell her that I was pulling my story from the anthology. "Too late," she said. "It's already locked in". I fought her, but in the end, she won. The story she'd rewritten went to print with my name on it.

On launch day, I was asked by the guest of honour which story was mine. "The mother and daughter story," I said. "Oh," he said. "The McDonalds story". He wasn't impressed. Neither was I. That ended our conversation.

I'd been burned badly. I didn't write anything original again until 2019 when I wrote my science-fiction novel "Portal". It comes out in mid-2024 from a publisher.

I know now that I had a bad editor back then. She committed the ultimate sin of editing - you never change the author's voice and never rewrite.

Over the years, I've still written fan fiction on and off, but I've never been as prolific as I once was. My writing has grown. So have I. I still have doubts, and they all go back to that teacher at university. I sometimes still cry about it. I've buried that anthology on my shelf, but it still haunts me.

That is my limiting belief. That I'm not a good writer. That I'll get burned again. It makes me scared to share my writing despite people always telling me it's good and I should "enter competitions". I do these days. I never get shortlisted, but it's still worth a shot.

I just hope I never get burned again.

#writing community #limiting beliefs #writing #about me

[troglobite]

hm

well. nothing like having a full-blown identity crisis to help destabilize you further during a time when you're going to be completely fucking stressed out chasing down answers to all this health shit. lol

ANYWAY

so unmasking autism the book gave me the beginnings of a legitimate full-blown identity crisis. and then considering taking an online independent poetry class taught by a prof that i've worked w before & like triggered the rest of it.

and i've really just spent the rest of the week in fucking shambles. having really bad brain days. just falling apart. and then i woke up today already having an anxiety attack (my dreams were completely fine, so it wasn't even that) and then i've just felt. bad. all day.

and now after talking to my mom abt it for 2 hrs and just thinking out loud abt everything that's been eating me alive all week.

well. my neck and shoulders and jaw are incredibly tense. i have a headache. i cried a bit, which used up several of the tissues that we have left in the house (which isn't many--we urgently need more). i'm gonna have to take some aleve. and i'm tired and overwhelmed.

but also. i, for once in my life, actually felt the weight lift a bit after talking about it.

idk that that's. ever happened. usually it's something that i'm mad abt that happened to me or around me. and i'm just complaining or venting right.

but this was like.

legitimately it was eating away at me. and it was like. idk i couldn't figure out why. i was just like "i can't fucking deal w this rn" but then i just had to. i felt so bad talking to my mom. and i was being hyper critical of everything i'm doing rn, which is what i do when i'm Bad Brain.

i've been working on the next session for my miss frizzle game which is happening this sunday. and i had to make a sort of city layout map. and i just. felt so insecure and angry and frustrated abt it. and it felt like that opinion of it was validated. it's. not very good.

but i just kept berating myself abt it.

and it led into me talking abt this shit that's been eating me alive all week.

and finally saying it out loud...helped. and like i started talking abt it w my therapist today. but we have 50 mins and i had to catch her up on everything and i hadn't like properly sorted through it.

so it feels sort of like i just did.

nothing is fixed but at least it. makes more sense.

i'm basically having to start from the ground up, figuring out who i even am as a person, what i like, what i enjoy, what i value, all of it. bc all this time i thought i knew. and i didn't.

and i'm also realizing i do have. an "addictive" personality and that i've probably been right to avoid All Substances including caffeine. bc the thing i realized is that i've shaped my entirely life in pursuit of external validation at the expense of....p much everything else. i chose the path of least resistance in that direction, but i still chose it bc of external validation.

and it's just. so deeply upsetting and unsettling to realize everything i've done or decided or said i liked or pursued--was bc of external validation.

and to realize idk how to form internal opinions and emotions and experiences. idk how to recognize something that i actually enjoy, unless it's something that i unmistakably enjoy--like if there's physical evidence of how i'm feeling (e.g., crying and being unable to stop smiling or talking abt it after seeing hamlet in a theater for the first time).

otherwise? i have no idea how i feel abt most anything. i have phobias and aversions. i have comfort items and things and sensory preferences.

aaaaand........that's all i actually know abt myself, anymore.

and that's terrifying as a person who craves control and knowledge and stability to be able to operate in this world.

so yeah no wonder i've felt broken and fucked up all week.

no wonder, even though the weight has been lifted, i don't feel great right now.

and it's just like....why did i need to be given this project in addition to all of my health stuff?

and i'm also frustrated, bc if the pandemic had never happened, i would be teaching rn and not questioning anything bc that's the path i set myself on for whatever pile of reasons i had.

and tbh i probably wouldn't be experiencing half of the health problems i have, bc they're triggered by stress, and my BIGGEST source of stress is from the pandemic, which is more stress than i can knowingly remember.

so i'm just. really tired and beaten down and now i'm not even an "i" i literally don't know who i am anymore.

and not like the run of the mill "what am i doing in life" but quite literally looking back at 28 years and going

"jesus fucking christ. what have i missed out on bc i avoided things i wasn't immediately good at and didn't immediately get external validation abt? what things did i sacrifice or ignore in myself for the sake of pleasing ppl and making them like and praise me? what things do i actually enjoy? what do i ACTUALLY want to do with my life? who even am i? what are my values?"

what even is my personality?

anyway i need to not rehash this bc i'll get a little worked up again.

but it did. feel. good ???????? i genuinely don't know. to just. finally figure that out. what was eating at me. what was really unsettling me.

and that has left me with a million more concerns and questions and v few answers at all. but at least i have somewhere to pick up from w my therapist next friday.

okay i'm gonna use my neck/shoulder massager and try and get ready for bed. gotta run through my game tomorrow w my mom to make sure i'm prepared for sunday and everything makes sense. gotta print out all of my notes and stat blocks etc. got various things to do.

//sigh. okay.

[sits back and sighs]

just thought of another realization

i chose all three of my names sort of bc of other people.

i mean. shakespeare and being mexican are also important to me, so there's that.

but now i'm wondering if i struggled to choose my first name (which i'm still perfectly //shrug. happy with ? i have no strong opinion i don't think? i did cry when someone first used it for me i think though) is bc i literally just don't even have a sense of who i am as a person at all. lol

ANYWAY.

i'd really like to be done with these earth-shattering revelations that completely uproot everything i think i know abt my self and my world and my life.

being a lesbian, being genderqueer, being autistic, being disabled--and now not even knowing who i am as a person.

[SIGHS LOUDLY]