#i'm being forced down the most self serving most solopsistic lanes and I can't really care about people and I cant make plans

[lesbiansforboromir]

Ohhh it’s getting bad again folks, this is a venting in the tags post no need to read it or interact with it! 

#gotta lot of thoughts in my head that are better off outside of it #contemplating the now pretty real concept that I will have spent a large majority of my life in school #and in situations and learning things that I wasn't that interested in or enjoyed and some that were pretty distressing #only to get to my third year of university and to have my body be literally incapable at completing the last stage #we're back to thinking about 'what if it's just this forever now' and that's a bad concept #I always forget how dehumanising the bad periods are all your choices are suddenly nonexistent i'm not really making choices at all #i'm being forced down the most self serving most solopsistic lanes and I can't really care about people and I cant make plans #i have no control over how I interact with the world or how I'm percieved really I'm just in bed and weighing the benefits of #talking to friends or having a bath #and I'm trying to balance my brain's still incessant need for stimulus but the very few number of activities that I can do without #severely impacting my health are so limited in scope and a lot of them literally make me depressed anyway #And it gets worse every year because I'm more and more of an adult who has no real adult experiences and less of a life to speak of #and it's already practically a concern like I really no longer trust my parent's instincts or ideas that it'll all be ok but #the idea of being cared for by anyone else literally drives me out of my mind with guilt and misery! #I'm walking my bones are all fine my brain works passably well #But I cannot work! there's no way I can work like this I can't even play video games all I can do is like #tap into that one arbitrary straight like that my brain's allowed me and open the tap and let it pour out #all other things have to be dug out of me and I'm so tired I can't think straight by the end of it #AND SCREEN BASED THERAPY... is not working out for me... or at least it's not got such a benefit #poor george he's doing his best but there's something prohibitive about holding my phone and looking at this person through a screen #ANYWAY if you read all the way down here don't worry about it and you didn't need too I'm just cataloguing #I forget a lot of how bad periods were so it's good to write it down to remember #tbd #except that's a lie but maybe it's not who knows