#i'm crying rn just thinking about it bc my heart feels heavy

[1800-page-not-found]

Being drunk and complaining how you think your bf/gf is prettier than you (genshin men+women x fem reader) PART 3

ITS THE HARBINGERSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Not doing scaramouche cuz i already did in part 2

Dottore, Columbina, Sandrone x reader (seperate)

TW: implied unhealthy relationship (for dottore bc that man does not treat anyone like a human being, i have mixed feelings about that guy), and id like to state that i do NOT support toxic relationships.

Making another part for the other harbingers bc im really sleepy rn and I just wanna give you guys something because I havent posted in a long time.

The next part contains Pantalone, Tartaglia, Arlecchino x reader (seperate)

Maybe i'll do Signora, Pierro, and Capatino? but Capatino wears a mask??? wtv lol

Please note that you may not like "[name]"s personality, as it may differ from yours.

You had met Zandik when he was a scholar at the Akademiya, before he was expelled for his crimes and immoral acts. Fortunately, unlike the last girl who had fancied him, Sohreh, he did not mutilate your body, because somehow in that rather small and close to non existing heart of his, was you.

But unfortunately, you could not escape his unhinged mindset. You relied too much on the Akasha System. When he did get expelled, you followed with him. After all, thats what the Akasha showed which was best for you. Hundreds of years went by, and he became a powerful harbinger. He still gave you freedom, to some extent. So how did you wind up at his office, crying and drunk?

"Zandik" You cried.

You were ultimately weak in the mind due to your heavy dependency that Dottore had created for you. He smiled as you cried into his shoulder, dampening his clothes.

"Yes dear? What happened for you to come crying to me?" He was your white knight.

You quickly learned that somehow, dottore would always save you, relieving you of your agony. Like he did with the ruin machines when they found Sohreh's body.

"O-one of your clones said you didn't love me and you had another woman…" you hiccup in between your words.

"My dear, do not fret, there are no other women in my life besides you. Why would I require someone else? Those clones can be quite troublesome, and not all of them are friendly. I apologize for their behavior." He soothed you, patting your back. 'Yes, yes...let it all out,' he thought. His clones were doing well, their original sole purpose was to create insecurities and confusion in your mind.

"But-But, I'm not even that pretty, even you're prettier than me! Theres plenty of women who are better than me-what if you dont love me one day?" You mumble, your head still lying on his shoulder.

"Darling, I have to say, I am surprised by your irrational behavior. My affection for you is undeniable, and the fact that you would suggest otherwise is quite hurtful..." Your eyes widened.

Oh, how could you hurt him like that?! After everything he's done for you?...

"No-no! I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you, I-"

"Do you trust me [name]?" He cuts you off.

"Huh? Of course I do!"

"Good, now please can we move on? If we continue to talk about this, my heart will ache even more." He starts to make an expression that he knows will make you feel guilty. You've really fallen deeper into the rabbit hole now.

--------

Columbina had saved you at your lowest, and you had devoted your every fiber of yourself to her. You decided to get stronger, your sole motivation being paying back your benefactor. Well, that was until the angel-like harbinger said you could pay her back by forming a relationship with her.

You did start off as friends, but that slowly spiraled into a more intimate relationship. You promised to be there for her whenever and wherever, but really, does the harbinger who's ranked third really need protecting?... I mean, you're so much weaker than her, how can you protect her when she's in danger?

That thought slowly grew in your mind-you can't help but just let it all out when drunk on the fine vodka Columbina had brought back for you and her to enjoy...until well, you drank the whole bottle.

You stared at the empty bottle in your hand that once held the highest quality of vodka.

"[name], my dear, what's on your mind?" Columbina spoke softly, her voice sounding like a lovely melody in your ears.

"Mmmm...I don't wanna bother youuu..." You dragged out your words, slurring your speech.

Columbina stood up from the couch and took the bottle out from your hands and gently placed it on the glass coffee table, making a small 'kling' sound. She sat back down and held your hands, which were rather cold so she decided to warm them up.

It was strange how she always kept her eyes closed, but no matter what always aware of her surroundings. This only increased your insecurity, after all, only one with great strength could do such things...and you couldn't.

"[name]." She let go of your hands and placed hers on your cheek, and kissed you softly. "Your thoughts will never be a bother all right? I'll always be there to protect you and be by your side." She smiled at you warmly.

You started to cry, the alcohol heightening your emotions. "That's-that's the thing!" You let out a sob, wiping your tears. "I-I don't want to just rely on you, I want you to rely on me too! But, I'm so much weaker than you and, and you excel in everything! You're smart, strong, independent, and so, so much prettier than me and everyone, you deserve so much better than me I-" Your rant was cut short when Columbina kissed you again softly.

"Oh, [name], I never knew you felt this way, I want you to know that I rely on you every single day, there is not a single moment where I don't rely on you. I know you probably don't believe it, but you make me feel so happy. I don't care if you think that I outshine you, because in my eyes you're the most beautiful and amazing person in the entirety of Teyvat. You're perfect in my eyes just the way you are, and no one else can take that spot." Her voice really soothed you, and as she spoke, you stopped crying.

"R-really? You mean it?..." You sniffled, wiping your tears off your face.

"Yes, now please, there's no need to cry anymore alright?" she kissed your forehead and held you in a warm embrace on the couch.

"Mhm…alright, thank you, I love you…" You rubbed your eyes, tired from crying and fell asleep in Columbina's arms.

Once you were sound asleep, Columbina picked you up, carrying you in her arms bridal style and set you gently on the bed, making sure you're comfortable before crawling into the bed and cuddling with you.

The next day, you woke up, eyes puffy and not a single memory of last night. When you asked your lover, she just giggled and walked away, leaving you confused.

--------

Sandrone was an interesting character. When you first met, you had actually died. Well more like on the verge of death. Somehow, for some reason, she had saved you, as she had basically turned you into part automaton.

You were supposedly her 'puppet', but, puppets don't act this human. You were crazy for confessing your love to her, the harbinger who was known for only caring about her own works, and having a god awful personality to come with it.

Well, fortunately for you, you did count as one of her works, so perhaps that was the reason why she accepted your confession and you two started being in a relationship?...you still couldn't wrap your mind about this, you were really happy to say the least.

Today, you had practically begged her to come with you to have a picnic and stargaze. She was being quite stubborn. But of course, she couldn't outmatch your own stubbornness and you, thus she gave in.

You were so excited, yet here you were, sitting on the blanket, extremely drunk. You smiled at her, all giggly and bubbly as you wrapped yourself around her arm, hugging her.

Sandrone sighed and frowned, she stopped her work just for this? I mean, it was you... (She'd never admit to loving spending time with you, she's gotta keep her reputation up... but everyone knows, even you, that she has an extremely soft spot for you (and only you.))

"[name]...quit staring at me like that!" sandrone flicked your forehead, earning an 'owwww' from you.

After recovering from the ferocious attack, you laughed and smiled. "But you're just sooooo pretty! I can't keep my eyes off you, the prettiest girl in Teyvat!"

You lowered your voice to a whisper "I think you're prettier than me, all the other harbingers, and the Tsaritsa- Ow!"

She slapped the back of your head. "I will not allow you to speak of her majesty the Tsaritsa like that, [name]!"

She crossed her arms and turned her head away from you, looking angry.

Although, her words seemed to contradict her statement just now. She spoke quietly under her breath, "plus, youre the most prettiest girl in Teyvat, [name]..."

You perked up, perhaps having heightened senses was a good thing. "I heard that!" You shouted and smiled. "You really think that-"

"W-what?! No! You must be imagining things!" She yelled back at you. "Damn it, I shouldn't have heightened your sense of hearing too! Ugh!"

All you did was laugh teasingly at her frustration and embarrassment getting caught being nice, specifically to you. Until you blacked out from the alcohol. That reallllllllyyyy freaked her out, as she frantically carried you back home. (Well, the only reason she showed her 'nicer' side was really due to the only witness being her modified automaton.)

You had slept for a whole day before waking up at noon, with a god awful hangover, causing you to throw up.

(Sandrone ordered one of her machines to take care of you in secret and report to her every hour about your status.)

#genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #genshin impact #dottore x reader #il dottore x reader #il dottore #columbina x reader #columbina #sandrone #sandrone x reader #harbingers x reader #harbinger x reader #dottore

[callmehere-iwillappear]

rec list (last updated: 10/22/23)

aka 'if you liked [cmh] you might also like [insert other really good fic here]' bc there are So Many amazing fics out there good lird

few things. first off if you see a disaster twins bias no you don't. second i tried to find all the authors' tumblrs but there were some i couldn't - if you know any of the ones i missed let me know!

aaand third, there are just. SO many good fics i ended up splitting things up. this is the rec post for multi chapter fics, here's the one shot rec post

Multichapter Fics

Complete

A Twin Thing (@minumi-chan)

Four times Donatello rejects Leo's notion of them being twins, and the once (and future) time he embraces it.

GOD THE TWINS EVER.... funny in parts but also hurts in the best possible way and thankfully has a happy ending to soothe the pain. i literally love them so much

Because We Could Not Stop For Death (@turtleinsoup)

After Leo dies, Donnie builds an android of his twin. After Leo dies, he comes back. He does. And Donnie will not ever let him go again.

very very very very VERY heavy please mind the warnings but god. god. another take on the 'leo dies in the prison dimension' concept that btw WILL make you cry. like a lot. absolutely incredible study of grief. i am never going to be the same person after reading this

coming right on back for you (@taizi)

Rise!Mikey’s portal in the prison dimension takes Leo a little bit farther than he meant for it to. 12!Mikey finds a familiar-looking stranger.

soooo full disclosure i haven't actually watched 2012 tmnt. that said even without that, this fic rules. incredibly soft and heartwarming. i love them

Corrupted Upgrade (@dandylovesturtles)

His brothers think they don't need him anymore? Well, fine. He doesn't need them either. The old Donatello is gone. He'll build a new one. One that will make them regret they ever threw him aside. Building things is what he's good at, after all.

i can't say too much without spoiling the twist, but oh MAN guys it's real good. come get your donnie hurt/comfort juice rn. also for a hurt/comfort fic it has NO RIGHT being so funny so often

Dimensions Apart & Home Again

"Who said I'm hiding?" Leo scoffs. Normally he wouldn't take such a sharp tone, but he's tired and not in the mood for what he feels to be an interrogation in his own bedroom. "You all know where I am. I live here, remember?" “Yeah, very funny. And you know where we live. But nobody's seen you for two weeks.”

ooohhh post movie hurt/comfort my beloved... leo is isolating and donnie kicks his ass. metaphorically. mostly. meanwhile raph and mikey are also having a certified Bad Time but it's okay they all get comfort by the end

Havoc, Thy Name is Donnie

Donnie accidentally turns himself into a child while experimenting with mystic power. It's cute until Donnie gets his hands on his older self's tech and then it's really uncute and Leo and S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. are having a heart attack.

child donnie is an absolute MENACE and it's INCREDIBLE. terrorizes leo. terrorizes shelldon. terrorizes some random criminals. terrorizes april. terrorizes draxum. all in the course of a single day. 12/10

how to get very good at juggling (@radishhqueen)

The Krang invasion put a couple of things in perspective for April. One of them was how much she wanted her parents to meet the Hamatos. The only difficult part is…getting her parents to meet the Hamatos.

the turtles meet april's parents! it goes... about as well as can be expected. REALLY good april centric post movie fic

little kid with a big death wish (@remedyturtles)

Leo's mind rebelled against the sensation. The heaviness burst into awareness, body, limbs, lungs, blinking. The middle distance he'd apparently been staring in focused. Leo was awake. Leo was aware. Leo was alive. Being alive wasn't something he thought he'd be.

genuinely don't think i could ever recommend this fic enough. mind the warnings as it does get very heavy but. god. idk how to express how much this fic means to me in just a few sentences but like. you'll understand if you read it (also for. an actual summary: post movie recovery fic with a side of extra leo)

Nothing Haunts Us (like the things we don't say)

The boys learn the hard way that truths can hurt. Well, some of them.

truth spellllll you love to see it! lotta post movie angst + some good comfort at the end + bonus the boys actually being emotionally vulnerable and talking about their issues (even if it's not 100% by choice)

Trial and Error (@apatheticrobots)

Leo ends up in the past. This changes some things.

YES the healing (well. eventually).... big fan of the leos' dynamic in this one. also that One Scene (the one with the animatic. if you know you know) gives me goosebumps EVERY time good god

Unfinished business

When one dies leaving something undone, there's a belief, that they do not go gentle into that good night. They linger on until they've finished what they couldn't while alive. And for four turtles, that business is using the Poltergeist movie as inspiration.

bad future ending but make it HILARIOUS. tldr the future turtles haunt the SHIT out of the krang. that's all i'm giving you because that's all you should need. they fucking rick roll them. please

Use Only For Intended Purpose (me!)

That's probably not how mind melds are supposed to work.

sorry for reccing my own fic do you still love me /j BUT FR if you like post movie disaster twins hurt/comfort with a side of dream sharing. i got u

Where in the World is Neon Leon?

Leo practices portalling on his own. This is not a good idea for many, many reasons.

set over the course of the show + the movie! aka leo trying so so hard to be seen as reliable and getting incredibly fucked up over it. also making new friends

write this down on my headstone (it wasn't what i hoped for) (@bottledovercast)

it’s as he drifts listlessly through the cold-as-shit hellscape that leo’s willing to admit, maybe this wasn’t what raph meant. aka: i do not believe for one second that there were No Problems in between getting leo out of the prison dimension and the final scene of the movie.

i genuinely do not know how to do this one justice with words. it's written impeccably and the hurt/comfort is just. chefs kiss. please read it (+ has a sequel now that's also absolutely incredible!)

In progress

At My Worst (@teainthesnow)

Future Leo ends up back in time, stuck in the body of his younger self, who is still conscious but trapped within his mind.

genuinely LOVE this concept like there's a lot of (really good) future leo goes back in time fics but i'm pretty sure this is the only one i've read with them sharing a body? god the dynamic is. SO good. one of my fave future leo + present leo dynamics ever tbh. just. chefs kiss

I May Be Invisible, But I Still Look Good (@dandylovesturtles)

Leo is cursed by a mystic whatever thingy. But don't worry guys, he's totally got this! Getting back into his body? Easy peasy. (He hopes it will be easy peasy.)

will smith poses fellow ghost(ish) leo fic my beloved! ngl this one kinda has a special place in my heart so i May be biased BUT even aside from that it's just. so good. the premise is so interesting and it's written super well and in character and also i would like to give leo a hug PLEASE GOOD GOD

I'm Sorry, Teenage Mutant What Now? (@tangledinink)

When Hamato Yoshi is presented with the chance to return to the surface with his sons and give them a 'normal' life as humans, he takes it. He didn't think that they would forget about that whole turtle thing. But it seems kind of too late to tell them now. Surely they won't find out any other way, right?

human au! ... kind of. actually brooches au but they THINK they're human which is fine until, y'know, it's not. currently in the 'not' part of the fic and it's just going really great for everyone! you love to see it

In Which Donnie and Leo Make Themselves Everyone Else's Problem in an NYC That Isn't Even Their Own

It was a huge mistake on the Kraang's part to kidnap the wrong half of the wrong set of brothers and leave behind two very worried twins. And not just any twins. The disaster twins.

another crossover with 12tmnt which. again i have not seen, but like. this fic is just. REALLY good. it's set pre movie so there's not that trauma, it's literally just the twins fucking the 12 kraang up and living up to their nickname while the 12 turtles (and rise mikey and raph) look on in horror

i think i would prefer the prison dimension (@purplecatghostposts)

Leo gets sent to the Kraang Apocalypse Future that he really didn’t want to think about. Future Leo, Mikey, and Donnie are absolutely baffled by him. Nobody is happy.

you've heard of future leo in the present, now get ready for: present leo in the future! he gets dragged into the apocalypse instead of getting pulled out of the prison dimension back to his brothers and boy he is, understandably, Not Thrilled!

Last Grain of Sand in the Hourglass (@last-hourglass)

The one where the Hamato family is freaking the fuck out, Leo is lost in the Prison Dimension, and a very-time-displaced Leonardo refuses to leave his younger self behind. (Oh, and there may be some mystic hauntings afoot. You know, the usual result of messing with the space-time continuum.)

future leo gets saved while present leo stays in the prison dimension! there's A Lot going on in this one and half of it is BIG spoilers but just. oh my god. this shit is SO well written i am eating it

Mikey's Jam-Packed, Guaranteed to Get Donnie's Memory Back, Friendship Tour!

Donnie wakes up without his memory one day and everyone panics. They're just going to have to jog his memory the old-fashioned way! Through the power of friendship! [And a small (I was wrong. A very large) degree of violence and shenanigans]

donnie gets amnesia and SO SO MANY shenanigans ensue. also a tiny bit of angst but it's fine

Minor Interference (@bambiraptorx)

The turtles accept Draxum's offer to train them. Little does he know that they're only going to use it mess with him.

haha draxum accidental dad moments... well okay not entirely just yet but he's getting there! the turtles are PEAK teenager literally just causing problems on purpose and it's incredible

Mutant Ninja Midlife Crisis (@mutantninjamidlifecrisis)

In the midst of attempting to make peace with his death at the hands of the Krang, Master Leonardo is suddenly yeeted over two decades into the past, courtesy of his little brother.

YEAAHHH another future leo fic! mans gets dropped into the past and IMMEDIATELY kidnapped and brainwashed so things are going great (it's fine he gets better. you know how it is)

odd man out (@threestripeslider)

The one where Future!Leo somehow managed to luck out on a one in a million mere millisecond chance of a freak glitch in the space-time continuum that sends him back into the present, where the Invasion has been successfully driven back. And it looks like it was a one-way ticket travel.

DAD FUTURE LEO MY BELOVED.... he really took one look at these kids and said is anyone else gonna give them a third (3) dad and did not wait for an answer. also big fan of casey's high school adventures LMAO

Power Up

Leo also gets healing hands like his 2k12 counterpart. Sadly, they end up backfiring on him. Who needs to know though?

leo taking 'it's not about me' to the extreme. good god please get this kid some therapy and self worth. the AGONIES

The Lemonade Leak (@turtleinsoup)

The one in which Leo can’t sleep without his swords, because there is a monster in his room, pretending to be Donnie.

oh man. oh MAN. legit one of my fave fics out there. i'm not usually a big thriller person but this one GETS ME + the way the author writes the different perspectives is just. chefs kiss. genuinely has me on the edge of my seat every single update

The Neon Void

Five years. It's been five years. Hamato Leonardo was back. But he was no longer who he once was.

krangified leo! ... sort of. absolutely delicious angst and also i want to rattle leo's brothers. TALK TO EACH OTHER

Three-Sided Coin (@leglessstreetlights)

Highly self-indulgent fic where I put Leo, Future!Leo, and TurtleTot!Leo in the same room until they hug

what the description says! room is a bit of a stretch and present leo is fresh out of the prison dimension So There's That. some really sweet moments in this one though. tiny leo my beloved

this year we lost our dear brother leonardo

The aftermath of the Krang, and of pulling Leo out of the portal. 90% comfort and silly banter.

this is a series not a single wip but i'm saying it counts because i love it a lot. hope this helps <3 yeah what it says on the tin. immediately post movie family hours you love to see it

Times Five

Leo gets struck by a mystic beam that splits him into five parts of himself; literally.

god the TWIST. still losing my mind over it. the whole thing honestly. lotta dealing with leo's complicated emotions about the invasion and himself, really really good tbh

Write Me Well, My Love, Write Me Weird

When stories start popping up on various media outlets of the Turtleman, New York Cities own personal cryptid, most of the world shrugged. To the citizens of New York? fear, excitement, adoration for this odd and lovable creature. Everyone is quick to share stories and memories of their encounters, much to lament of Turtleman's older brother.

leo and donnie get spotted by humans (more than once) and said humans post about it on social media, as humans tend to do. raph is Not Thrilled. angst (and eventual comfort) ensues

#talk tag #fic recs #sorry abt my commentary i am NOT a film critic and there IS a reason for that </3 #kinda bounced between summarizing and just. going 'eating this eating this' and shit like that. u know how it is #anywayy read these fics. holding you all at gunpoint /j #not fic related #MAYYY update this and the other post bc there are 100% some i missed. just went through my subscriptions and marked for later and bookmarks #but i def feel like theres some i missed somehow. augh #but i dont wanna sit and stare at this forever agonizing over if im forgetting any SO. just shoving it at u all. enjoy

[fairycosmos]

content warning: mention of drug use. // hey. i'm lowkey tripping rn and i just want to tell you that your presence on this site makes an actual difference in my life. i love reading your blog and i know these parasocial feelings are cringe and i'm nobody to you and realistically speaking you are barely anybody to me, but like. i think you are a great writer. what is captured by you is not captured by others in the same way. ur voice is unique. and i'm so sorry that you feel the way you do. hugs

ive thought about this periodically since you sent it bc its just so unbelievably kind lmfao you are so sweet for thinking of me while tripping like i want to cry 😭 thank you sm from the bottom of my heart. ❤️ it prob is parasocial but at the same time the connections i make on here genuinely mean a lot to me / keep me half sane lol like im glad i have more than my immediate circle to interact with honestly. and i just want you to know how much i appreciate you reading my stuff and keeping up with me even though im just like.....Some guy lmfao. hmmmm i feel my throat starting to ache like im going to tear up but i refuse to tear up over a nice tumblr anon i swear to god LOL anyway the writing is really just stupid stream of consciousness stuff so thank god it resonates with some of you out there like just as a general fact that makes my thoughts feel a lot less heavy. anyway i think a lot of people are sad the way im sad unfortunately so it's ok we're all just coping with it together. please take care and look after yourself. hope you're well always. sending a giant hug. X

#anon

[chaomother]

bitch- the drama🫢

Damn Sonic why can’t you just communicate😔 make my bed in ruins /j

That is such a good idea tho, I was thinking like a dramatic heavy rain scene where you’re chasing him bc of the misunderstanding.

-

Under the crying heaven, you fight to keep your eyes on the fading blue blur. Even though your chest feels like it’s about to collapse from physical strain and painful confusion, you push on.

When he finally stops, you take a moment to gasp for air. The only sound echoing in these empty streets were your heavy pants and the rain. You shout at him in exhaustion from all this out of pocket behaviour, but he spins around with his own booming voice, confessing in his drained voice… how you never pay attention to him anymore…

how you so easily forget him nowadays…

You’re speechless. Is that really how you came across? Your bones are chilled and your clothes soaked to your frozen form. You carefully take a step forward, noticing he’s not making a move to run away again. If anything, those emerald eyes of his are vibrant again, a huge comparison to how his eyes have been these past months. Instead of that care-free glint in his eyes that was always so charismatic, they were overflowing with emotion.

“Can’t you see me…?”

Those words brushed your face, the tip of your wet shoes touching his.

“Please… you don’t know how much you shatter me. You don’t know how deep in my veins you are, you don’t know the mark you have on my soul… the way you’ve vandalised my heart.”

-

brb crying in the club rn

-⭐️

sonic communicate? what's that?! and also please imagine him in this outfit for the au

you're making me really want to write this right now KSGHD that scene makes me so emotional oh my god, i can exactly see the rain falling as sonic blinks into his vividness again, finally letting his feelings become known - i'm gonna cry in the club too!!!!!

but afterwards, you take the both of you back to your apartment to dry off...

#⭐️ anon #not a req #chao chatting #fic banter #bc i am so gonna write this eventually lol

[fallinforgyu]

i have so much to say these screenshots dont even cover it i cried way too much to form a coherent thought for most of it honestly ohhhhh my days

i didn’t write much on the ending but you really really really nailed it, you really really are so so gifted i feel so many things at once and as much as this fic is taking years off of my life (affectionate) in how much it’s upsetting me - it’s making me feel so optimistic?? hopeful?? idk if that makes sense but love is real and it exists in the form of your writing 🙏

my heart feels so heavy im so .. how did you do this??? cherry is one of the best things i’ve read in my life are you kidding??? i literally can’t believe this rn ohhhhhhh my days - you have such a talent, bunny i hope you never forget that and you should be so so so so so proud of yourself for this, you captured heeseung so so well and im in love with him i can’t believe this at all .. you are such a gifted writer and i hope you never forget that - my heart is aching so much but i feel so full with love for this fic and heeyn and for you and im just.. sigh. amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing !

wow im never gonna recover from this and omds i wrote that i hate you so many times 😭 u know it’s all love i love u lots and lots and lots <33 pat on the back for u bun 💌🫀🫀🫀🫀🫀🫀🫀🫀🫀🫀

sax i am laughing and crying at the same time right now have i mentioned that you're LITERALLY MY FAVORITE PERSON i can't do this rn i'm about to get emotional

i literally can't believe that i'm lucky enough to exist on this app at the same time as u let alone be mutuals with u let alone have u as a FAN OF MY WORK??? HELLO??? i seriously think you're the best ever and i can't even begin to explain how much this means to me and i'm gonna go back and reread it over and over and over (ps i've already reread this 3 times) and laugh and cry again bc ilysm :( 💓💓💓💓💌💌🤍🤍🤍🤍

#sax my beloved #u are an angel #my heart hurts #literally going to go cry in bed rn #drunkjaked 🖤 #bun's moots 💌 #work: cherry 🍒 #bunny's mailbox 📬

[wrecking]

december!! what the fuck do you MEAN it's already been 2 years of doing these monthly charts. uh open for names and stuff yaurrrr

going to add a little description for why a certain thing ends up on here

the volunteers - the volunteers / dash's favorite album!!! super meaningful to me now

maggie rogers - surrender / this has just kinda been a mood all year. like messy and melodramatic and bombastic and honest

lady gaga - the fame monster / got pulled to revisit this, and i'm sorry but she served so fucking hard. this is the deluxe w the fame included btw

ariana grande - dangerous woman / idk i just felt like i needed to revisit it after spending a lot of time away and unfortunately it's still a really good pop album

mitski - the land is inhospitable and so are we / underrated as fuck healing album. easily her best

beabadoobee - beatopia / been revisiting a lot of summer 2022 stuff and this one has held up so well. really good album and great cover

hitsujibungaku - 12 hugs (like butterflies) / i love their previous album and this is their new release! it's not my favorite but it's rly good and i wanna give it more time to grow on me

marina - electra heart / been pulled back to the melodramatic pop of my teen years (see tfm and dw above) and they're all just really good? been humming hypocrates all month

yeule - softscars / been an album for processing shit and letting it go and being unabashedly, cringedly myself

boygenius - the record & the rest / [ tries not to cry ] ok but actually tho just cool about it & afraid of heights. that is all

alvvays - blue rev / dash rly likes after the earthquake and the album is so good :)

charli xcx - crash / missed this album a bit! still rly good imo like it fills the niche of pop to turn your brain off to

food house - food house / my fav hyperpop project still, wanted earnestness and simple tried-and-true tactics rather than gimmicks and frost childrens' hyperpop albums have been on heavy rotation all year so i figured i'd revisit this instead

olivia rodrigo - guts / the stranglehold this has on my teenager arc...

pinkpantheress - heaven knows / REALLY good in a surprising way. thought her debut project was good-but-not-great but this has some BANGERS and a stunning cover. women win

yola - stand for myself / revisiting summer 2022 stuff again, but this is like the most meaningful album of that era to me and i have been just thinking about a lot

lucy dacus - home video / [ starts crying ] top 3 of all time for me. thumbs only hits harder as more time passes unfortunately

courtney barnett - tell me how you really feel / dash really likes it, and i've been in the mood for some courtney anyways. ttttt is also rly good but it's a healing album and i am not exactly healing rn lmao

hayley williams - flower for vases (descansos) / continuing right from where ^ left off, this has been my comfort during rough times for going on 3 years now. such a flawless album

rina sawayama - hold the girl / ok now HERE'S a healing album. this one is still so good idgaf if it's not experimental genre fusions. the girls that get it get it and the ones that don't dont

corinne bailey rae - black rainbows / can i be real i listened to this on a whim this month bc of mic the snare and wow it's so good. been on my mind ever since

sigrid - the hype / honestly a bit of a sleeper hit on this chart? borderline has been slowly becoming one of my all time fav pop songs, and i forgot how good wanted it to be you was

frost children - hearth room / my fav hyperpoppers really went and made an indie record... it's fun tbh it's silly and lighthearted and i love frost park in particular :)

carly rae jepsen - the loneliest time & the loveliest time / both of these are stunningly good but i've been fixating on talking to yourself all month

ethel cain - preacher's daughter / [ continues crying ] girlie is emotionally crafting things to be here specifically for me during my lowest points and we love that for me

-----

ok so real shit i already finished crunching the stats but i am too dissociative to do the fucking stat analysis rn. it'll be in the january post idgaf ok cya in 2024 * vine boom *

#d #m #topsters

[morathicain]

mora i NEED to start with inkpa because hello???? pa trying to figure out if ink likes her by doing the 4 signs test??? and the way ink almost obliterated wai with just her stare alkjd;lskjd like i’m so happy she was able to instill some fear into that man’s heart because he needs it. and the confession scene!!!! they’re just so cute and they make me so happy and i just can’t believe we’re being fed so well!!

now for the 180 with the mood because the family history reveal had me heated lol. pat’s father stole pran’s mom’s scholarship?? and then took on his father’s business so he didn’t even need the scholarship anyway???? that would’ve been my villain origin story if i was the mom so i can def see why she’s so triggered when it comes to him, *especially* since she was betrayed by someone who was her close friend. it’s just so frustrating to see how that not only affected her life but also their kids’ lives. and i feel like pat’s dad still doesn’t understand the gravity of what he did because he thinks “letting her” run her business and “take” one of his employees is enough to make up for it like huh???? i’m so—

and seeing pat’s face during all of this.. i just kept thinking back to ep8 and how hurt pat was when his dad basically said he was disappointed in him, like it really showed how much his father’s word affects him. so for him to now find out what his dad did? and how his own father’s wrongdoing is why he’s had to live his life in constant competition with pran & with this huge weight of expectations on his shoulders i just.. i can’t even imagine everything going through his head rn. honestly the day we see pat break down crying is the day i die because i don’t think we’ve ever seen him truly let go. even when he meets w pran on the roof he still kind of holds it in (which is very him cuz he always puts on a brave face for pran & kind of acts like his anchor) but that just made it even more painful.. the juxtaposition of pran’s sobbing and pat’s silent tears.. i’m not recovering. once again the preview for the next ep is saving my life because i can’t wait to see these 2 run away together. hope you were able to handle this ep better than me lol. have a good day/night~~~ and i hope you’ve had a good start to your new year<3 -🥞

Pancake!! Ahhhhhh!

This episode, I tell you! Need to rewatch it bc I'm sure my brain kinda yeeted itself out lmao

InkPha were amazing! The 4 steps that didn't quite work but backfired and Ink destroying Wai with her gaze and Pha being brave enough to ask her about it and confess! Q.Q Like, sure, we all knew Ink was into her, but I do relate to Pha not knowing and being insecure. But P'Aof did this and gave them to us!

Oof, the parents ... that's a heavy topic, but also done well? Because damn, they aren't relatable and they shouldn't be. Not to this extent. Like yes, what Pat's dad was shitty AF and I do understand why Pran's mom was angry, but the way she built her whole life around it? How she brainwashed her child to hate Pat and didn't even say the truth??? Which Pran probably would have been able to understand more than the business BS.

Of course we understand how Pran's mom was hurt beyond comprehension that her friend betrayed her like that. Still no reason to be such an asshole to her own son and his son.

Of course Pat's dad had so much pressure from his dad, he saw this as his only way out. Still no reason to force the SAME BS onto his own son and hate on Pran and his family like that.

Those two really needed to be told off by their kids and needed to see the disappointment from their kids. Like, yeah, this hurt a lot, but it was done so damn well and relatable and realistic. And it was most importantly for Pran and Pat to go their own way and choose each other again. No matter how much it hurts.

So, this hurt so much but was done so well and I am still not over it!

But yeah, Pat is keeping it up for now and there will probably be a day when he'll break down and it will be devastating. The way he cried in front of his dad, asking if his dad was the reason why he'd had to hate Pran was already heartbreaking Q.Q

Now on to them supporting each other and healing each other. I can't wait till next week!

Thank you for your rant (got one right back XD) and I wish you a wonderful day/night and all the best for working through those emotions (I haven't yet) <3

#ask #bad buddy #pancake

[jemmydoolz]

Edgar Has Always Been Kind of a Bitch

hi okay so it's a little after midnight but I'm posting a fic rn bc it's the first fic I've written in like,, a yr and a half and also I'm rlly excited abt it??

anyway battle buddies/fahc jeremwood angst based on ramblings in a gc

(warning for minor assault implications at the beginning, and brief mentions of a suicide attempt at the end)!!!

Fiona and Gavin decide that what Jeremy needs is a night of bevs, and, to put it simply, get wasted, so the crew settles on going to a club that Friday. Jeremy only has one or two drinks, but boy does he get fucked up.

Ryan’s sitting and talking with Geoff and Jack in a booth, sipping a diet coke. He looks over Jack’s shoulder to see Jeremy standing at the bar with a much taller, more intimidating man looming over him. The guy reaches out toward Jeremy, who leans away from the touch. Jeremy nervously laughs and his eyes frantically dart around for someone, anyone who might be able to help him.

“Hello? Earth to Ryan?” Jack waves her hand in front of Ryan’s face.

“Oh, yeah. Yeah. sorry. Hey, um, I’m gonna go home, I’m just not really feeling great,” Ryan murmurs as he slides out of the booth, already heading toward Jeremy.

“Um, alright, I guess? Drive safe,” Jack calls after him.

Ryan speeds up when he sees the man grab Jeremy’s arm. Jeremy’s face flipped through a thousand emotions at once when he saw Ryan approaching, but eventually landed on confused but grateful. He gave Jeremy a look that said just go with what I’m about to say.

“Hey, babe,” Ryan says. The man immediately drops his grip on Jeremy’s arm. Jeremy does his best not to choke on his own spit when he hears the word babe come out of Ryan’s mouth. He hadn’t heard it in so long, and he didn’t think it would still hurt so much.

“Oh, hey!” Jeremy turns to Ryan and reaches up to peck him on the lips. “Where’d Edgar go? It’s his birthday, I figured he would wanna hang out with his friends!”

Fuck. Mentioning something about their friend ‘Edgar’ was always code for I don’t feel good about this, let’s leave. Edgar’s birthday meant I’m having a panic attack, I need your help. Ryan wanted to punch the guy that was practically feeling Jeremy up. No—he wanted to fucking kill that bastard. He and Jeremy may have had a severe falling out, they may have suffered years of heartache and longing, but he still felt responsible to make sure Jeremy was safe.

“He said he kinda wanted to go home. He went to the bathroom while I found you. You, uh, just about ready?” Ryan’s eyes flitted between Jeremy and the other man, who cleared his throat and mumbled something about needing to go find his friends before walking off.

Jeremy and Ryan both sigh in relief once he’s gone.

“Wanna head outside for some fresh air for a minute?” Ryan asks, getting a meek, obviously shaken-up nod in return.

Jeremy says something that Ryan can’t quite hear over the music as they walk outside.

“Hm?”

“Oh, nothing. It was dumb.” Jeremy shakes his head. Ryan has had enough experience to know that it was better to just leave it alone. They both wordlessly come to a stop and lean against the wall of the building a few yards from the door. Almost as if they had been working as partners for years. They spend a few minutes saying nothing, watching people on the street, looking at the stars in the sky. Ryan can’t help but study the intricacies of Jeremy, realizing that so many things have changed, but somehow almost nothing about him is different. Jeremy’s hair is just a tad bit more grown out than it ever was at the agency (also, it’s bright purple and orange, which is not exactly the most appealing color combination, but that’s a topic for another day), but he still runs his hands through it when he’s lost in thought. It’s curlier than it used to be, but maybe that’s just because it’s longer. He still clenches his jaw so hard it seems like he’s going to break his teeth when he’s scared. He still wears a tank top under his shirt, no matter how hot it is outside. His eyes still crinkle at the corners when he lets out a bark of laughter that Ryan still swears up and down sounds exactly like a squeaky toy. He’s changed, though. Ryan can see in his eyes that he’s become aware of reality. He knows the responsibility he carries, the heavy consequences that come with his actions, that death is around the corner at every moment.

“D’you- d’you want me to take you home?” Ryan says barely above a whisper, but loud enough for Jeremy to hear. “You can go back inside if you want, but I know you always used to want to go home and be alone after Edgar shows up.” Jeremy lets out the tiniest breathy chuckle.

“Edgar has always been kind of a bitch, hasn’t he?” Jeremy says as he looks away from the sky to meet Ryan’s gaze, and his heart falls apart all over again for the thousandth time. That fond look of reminiscence and joy was one Ryan donned frequently at the agency. “I- Yeah. yeah. I’d really appreciate a ride home. I’m just a little too drunk to drive, I think.”

“Alright. I parked just down the street. Penthouse or your apartment?” Ryan hadn’t even noticed that Jeremy did seem somewhat tipsy; his Boston accent slipping in occasionally and his words slurring the tiniest bit.

“Um, apartment,” Jeremy says. “D’you rem-”

“Yes, I remember where your apartment is, Jeremy.”

It’s only a few minutes into the drive to the other side of town when Jeremy pipes up. “I honestly didn’t really expect you to help me. I didn’t expect you to remember Edgar, either. I dunno why I said it, I guess just vaguely hoping you would even though it’s been, what, three years?” he pauses for a moment and just takes in Ryan's profile. “I always hope you remember things from then. I know it went to shit, but we still had so much fun. We made so many memories and did so much dumb shit there. But I’m glad that stupid fuckin’ place collapsed. All of it was complete bullshit. I just wish it all fell apart before we did.”

Ryan doesn’t know how to respond. So he doesn’t.

“All those meetings I had to stay late for? Fuckin’ useless. They served no purpose, and I don't know why I was forced to go to them. I feel like the only reason I had to go to those meetings was because someone was hiding something from me. It was obvious that so many things were kept from us.” Jeremy stops for a second to try to will away the lump rising in his throat. “I thought you were cheating on me. For the longest time. I still don’t know whether you actually were. You were always out on ‘special missions’ and shit.”

The moment Ryan hears Jeremy let out a shaky breath his heart breaks.

“Was it me? Was I not good enough? I promise I tried my hardest to be what you needed. I’m sorry if I wasn’t. All I wanted was the best for you, Ryan. Even now, I just want you to be happy. If you're happier with someone else, then that’s what I want. I don’t blame you, though. I don’t deserve someone like you. You deserve so much better than me. I would do anything for you, Rye. We were together for so long. We did everything together! I thought I was gonna marry you. I was saving up money to get a ring. I guess I was too stupid to see that you didn’t want me anymore.”

Ryan looks over to see the tears staining Jeremy’s cheeks reflecting the soft orange glow of the streetlamps. Is this really what Jeremy thinks?

“I was so in love with you, Ryan Haywood. I’m- I’m still in love with you. I love you so goddamn much it hurts sometimes. Every time I see you hurt, upset, angry, anything other than healthy and happy my heart aches. I’m sorry I wasn't enough. I promise I tried. Fuck, I tried so hard.”

With every sob Jeremy lets out, Ryan's heart breaks just a little bit more. The short distance left until Ryan pulls up to Jeremy’s apartment building is spent wordlessly. Jeremy’s clambering out of the car and reaching to grab the door when Ryan speaks.

“Hey, Jer, do you want me to walk you up? I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

“No. I’m fine. I’ll be fine. I’ve already been a pain in your ass tonight, I don't need to waste even more of your time. I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything.” Jeremy sniffles and wipes his cheeks, giving a half-hearted smile before shutting the door and walking away.

Ryan sits there for a second, unable to process fully what he just heard. He starts driving without even knowing where he was going, and he’s so lost in his thoughts that suddenly he’s sitting in his car in front of the boardwalk along the beach and crying. He can’t believe anything he was just told—there is no way in hell that the brilliant, witty, talented Jeremy Dooley ever doubts his worth. It’s jarring to think that part of it was because of Ryan. He was going on extra missions because the agency was growing more and more demanding. For months they tormented Ryan with the threat of kicking out Jeremy. They said they’d do other things to him that Ryan doesn’t want to remember. Why did Jeremy never bring it up? Why did he just accept that Ryan had ‘moved on?’ Their lives were so intertwined with one another that Ryan never felt truly whole again. The only reason Ryan went with the break up was that he saw how distant and cold Jeremy had gotten. Ryan had assumed that, for whatever reason, Jeremy had changed his mind. He hated it, he was devastated, but he didn't know how to fix it.

Ryan decides he doesn’t want to go back to the penthouse tonight. He pulls up to the nearest crew safehouse, and suddenly things click.

Jeremy had always struggled with bad self-image and depression. He had gone to Ryan for comfort, which he was always more than willing to give. Jeremy was doing better. At least he told Ryan he was.

Jack had mentioned a while ago that when Jeremy first joined the crew, she had found him after a suicide attempt and barely left his side until he recovered. The only reason for it Jack had told Ryan about was ‘emotional trauma from a past relationship, that he didn’t really want to talk about.’

Ryan did that to him.

Ryan did that to him.

Ryan made the love of his life want to die.

The pieces left of his heart fall into more shards than there are grains of sand in this world.

He collapses onto the couch inside, too exhausted to even get to the bed. He knows he’s not going to be able to sleep, though.

To: Geoff

Dropped Jeremy off at his place, he was pretty drunk though so check on him please

To: Geoff

I’m staying at kung fu safehouse for the night

#my fic #holy fuck #i did that !!! #thats a whole ass 1874 words babeyyy!!!!! #fahc #fahc ryan #fahc jeremy #fahc au #angst #battle buddies #fake ah ryan #fake ah jeremy #fake ah crew #fake ah au #minor suicide mention #suicide mention tw #ragehappy

[sourkitsch]

all the odd numbers

You’re Killing Me

(1) Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?

Closed!

(3) Can You Whistle?

Very poorly.... ok no I can’t

(5) What Is Your Favourite Colour?

Golden Yellow!

(7) What Is The Temperature Right Now?

37 F

(9) How Many Followers?

661.... 5 more to my fav number....

(11) What Is Your Eye Colour?

blueish greenish brownish grayish? like hazel but if hazel had a blue base

(13) Do You Sing In The Shower?

Yup! It helps me wake up in the morning. Sorry to my hall mates tho

(15) Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14.

“the ball did not fall back into her hand stretched up to catch it, but”- Grimm’s Fairy Tales (specially from “The Frog Prince”, which I did an art piece about at a precollege program a few years back! It sucks but I was like 14 so w/e)

(17) Last Person You Cried In Front Of?

In person? Probably my friends Olive, Sarah, and Alec. I just cried on the phone to my mom like 3 days ago tho.

(19) What Did You Have For Lunch?

Tuna Sandwich and green beans

(21) Favourite Animal?

Tiger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(23) What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?

3am

(25) Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?

THE OCEAN I fucking LOVE the ocean

(27) Bottled Water Or Tap Water?

Either! I’m not picky!

(29) Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.

(31) Dogs Or Cats?

Cats by a long shot! I’m just starting to get over a crippling fear of dogs rip

(33) PlayStation Or Xbox.

I guess Playstation? My friend has one. I don't really care

(35) Do You Believe In Magic?

Yes and no? I belief very much in the power of belief. If someone believes something hard enough I think it can manifest in the real world.

(37) Can You Curl Your Tongue?

Ye

(39) Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You?

My cat’s littol beans

(41) Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly?

Nah I’ve been afraid of bugs since I was a kid! Including Butterflys

(43) Do You Have Strange Dreams?

Yup yup yup I get nightmares quite often cause of trauma and stuff. Violent, disturbing, weird. oof

(45) Name One Movie That Made You Cry.

Every Movie. Most recently? Fantasia

(47) If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be?

Ghost!

(49) Are You A Heavy Sleeper?

Yes and no? It’s hard to fall asleep but once I'm asleep it’s hard for me to wake up

(51) Do You Like To Read / Write?

I like the idea of doing them! I wish I could focus on books and writing but whoops dropped my adhd

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents?

Carve Pumpkins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(55) What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather)

Winter

(57) Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed.

no

(59) Coffee Or Tea?

Tea! Coffee makes me jittery

(61) What Is Your Sexuality?

I just label it as queer bc it’s complicated

(63) Favourite Pokemon?

Skitty

(65) What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories?

They’re fine! I use them on my finsta and occasionally on my art acc

(67) Are You A Virgin?

Nah man that ship sailed years ago

(69) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?

I don’t have a car and I do have anxiety, so motel!

(71)  Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters?

To Dust “A Hasidic cantor in upstate New York, distraught by the untimely death of his wife, befriends a local community college biology professor and the two embark on an increasingly literal undertaking into the underworld”

(73) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now?

“From childhood’s hour I have not been As others were—I have not seen As others saw—I could not bring My passions from a common spring— From the same source I have not taken My sorrow—I could not awaken My heart to joy at the same tone— And all I lov’d—I lov’d alone— “

- From “Alone” by Edgar Allan Poe

(75) Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set?

Yes, No.

(77) What Games Do You Have On Your Phone?

Plague Inc., Pokemon Go, all of the Rusty Lake games, and my new fav The Arcana

(79) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?

Yeah I’ve been workin on art

(81) Do You Like Meeting New People?

...No.

(83) Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?

Open so my cat can roam around, but closed and locked if there's company over.

(85) What Do You Wear To Bed?

t-shirt, underwear, shorts. pants if I'm feeling chilly

(87) Are You A Day Or Night Person?

Night. Like a vampire

(89) Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.

hm. no thanks.

(91) What Sounds Are Your Favourite?

thunder, rain, my cat snoring, someone humming, the scratch of pencil on paper

(93) How Do You Look Right Now?

sleepy

(95) What Tattoo Do You Want?

So many! Rn I guess something else by my friend Cam, their work is gorgeous!

Jesus CHRISt

[yuepants]

ok so this may sound cheesy asf but i truly think that I've fallen in love with my girlfriend and heres proof:

- everytime i see her face or pictures of her face i just feel ???? !!!! 🥺🥺🥺 gives me butterflies everytime cos she's just so goddamn beautiful to me

- I've been missing her a lot more than usual. altho idk maybe it's bc we haven't seen each other in 3 weeks but also my heart actually feels fuckin heavy everytime i miss her

- i have,,,, seggzsual,,,,,, feelings for her........ putangina why must i be a lesbian with an uncontrollable seggz drive 😾 anyway I don't normally feel seggzsual attraction towards anyone until i rly get to know them more likeinornallydisliketheideaofseggzbecauseoftraumafrommyexwhorapedme but with her i -- ok I'll stop right there

- she likes taylor swift n now i like taylor swift (i mean i always have but now i feel like i might become a swiftie) like i literally am listening to all her songs rn CHRONOLOGICALLY btw I'm at the red album rn!!!! she's so good

heres why i love her sm:

- it has been 5 months and she has never ever made me feel insecure about myself. no comments made about my body, my personality -- nothing. i love her for that

- she's so understanding n reassuring like 🥺🥺🥺 one time i opened up to her about something and then i felt guilty afterwards for bombarding her with all that info but this is what she said "that's not bombarding, that's you opening up :)" and i???? 😭😭😭💖

- we like the same things (anime, videogames, music) and if one of us havent consumed that piece of media the other likes, we try to make them experience it and then enjoy it in the process :> like how i made her play butterfly soup and then made her watch carmilla s1, and how she made me watch four sisters and a wedding and soon I'll be playing her current favorite game dragon age

- shes so intelligent i swear i love how her big brain just vibes with my last two braincells

- she can cry around me (she cried during the climax of four sisters and a wedding) and i??? i love that she can be emotionally vulnerable around me?? idk i just think that she trusts me enough to show emotional vulnerability

ok i have more at the back of my head but I'm too lazy to type all of that out so ye

#falling in love #in love #love #man i love girlfriend but I'm not ready to admit it to her yet

[fairycosmos]

Hi C, I'm in a really dark place rn esp bc of quarantine, so I'm probably not gonna make it these next few months sadly, sorry to lay this on you, but I just wanted to say this before. I relate alot to you about many of the personal/emotional things you talk about in your asks and your blog brings me comfort when I decide to come on here. I'm shy so sometimes I reblog the stuff you reblog from the source haha. I hope you learn to feel truly happy and that you never get to my point. Love , V x

hey, this seriously breaks my heart to read 😞 i’m not stupid enough to believe that anything i say will be enough to absolve you of the weight you’re carrying. clearly you’re dealing with a lot of pain and mental exhaustion, maybe to an extent i cant even imagine. so i know words from a stranger aren’t any kind of solution. but i have to try any way because i care about what happens to you, and i want you to know that you’re not in this all on your own. maybe i could be a mediating presence. maybe all that matters is having some time to pause. to give yourself another perspective to consider so it’s not just your mind trying to convince you that it’s all so black and white. cause it’s not, i promise. you can be 100% certain, in this moment, that these next few months will be rough/ impossible to survive - and still make it through them anyway. a sense of impending doom is not always accurate, nor is any ‘helplessness’ you see in yourself. and when you have depression, most of the time those perceptions are wildly inaccurate. it’s coming from the same place as all of the other toxic thinking processes: the self hatred, the shame, the anxiety. it’s not a reliable or factually concrete basis to act on. look, everything i talk about in my asks, i believe whole heartedly to be true for you, too. i dont say these things lightly at all. especially when i bring up how mental illness distorts your reality and your ability to make an accurate judgement of your future, and even more so when i talk about all the different types of treatment that are out there and that really do work given the time and effort. even if they’re not immediately available to you right now, just simply surviving through each day will eventually get you to a point where you can begin confronting your issues and growing beyond them. just as people do with physical ailments, the same is possible for mental ones. you can cry, you can want to give up, you can be numb and hurt and not know what to do next. as long as you make it to the next moment. if you need a little help to be able to do that, then that’s fine. most people do. there are many hotlines still open, online communities offering support, mental health professionals working from home that you can contact. even if you have to force yourself to. if you’re already seeing someone, you can call them any time and let them know you’re struggling. then maybe you can set up a plan together, to enable you to manage the heavy thoughts/emotions when they flare up instead of being overwhelmed by them. if not, you could call a friend or loved one if that’s an option just so you have someone to vent to. i’m sure they’d rather you do that than hurt yourself. a lot of ppl are feeling the strain of this isolation, but that doesn’t mean we can’t stay connected in other ways. it doesn’t mean we’re beyond help. it’s okay, whatever you need, it’s okay. i know it seems like bull shit, and i know it doesn’t feel worth it right now. i completely understand, i’ve absolutely been there too. but i would hate to see you permanently harm yourself, or worse, over an episode (that has been significantly worsened by quarantine) that can be worked through. you cant trust your mind right now, or the urges you’re having. i dont want to give you all the cliches about how there’s so much waiting for you, about how suicide is an extreme solution to a temporary problem. i get that they’re annoying. but part of me does believe all of those old sayings, at least a little bit. you can recognize that you’re in a dark place right now, and that it’s being exacerbated by current circumstances, and thats a really good sign. it means some part of you know there’s more beyond that, that improvement is both possible and in some ways, inevitable. whatever ‘point’ you think you’re at, you’re not. you’re not a lost cause. you didn’t survive everything so far, for nothing. so please, please don’t get lost in the notion that killing yourself is a guaranteed act, because it’s not. it’s easy to believe that when you’re spiraling, but spirals always come to an end, through self awareness or natural progression or medical attention. listen, you’re here and you’re trying and that is quite literally the entire point. you’re worth so much, and so is your life. i couldn’t be more proud of you, and i want you to stick around so that someday you’ll see it for yourself. i’m really glad i was able to bring you some comfort. it makes me want to cry that you sent this and that you’re thinking of me. so know i’m thinking of you too. that so many people care for your presence even if you dont know it. please reconsider, please try to regroup and look at your options. if you want to talk, dont hesitate at all to message me. i know you said you’re shy, but so am i! and i can relate a lot to what you’re saying. i’ll be here. take it one day at a time love, and if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even a minute at a time. the rest doesn’t exist yet. im sending you so much love, and my dms are always open. get some sleep, eat well, find something you enjoy that allows you to breathe, - a view from a window, a tv show, a memory, laying in bed. not a cure,  i know, just a small reason. and then for now, keep going. whatever that looks like for you. i believe in you so much x

#im not a professional or even a figure in your life so ik these words r limited but i wanted you to read them anyway #tw suicide #tw self harm #anon