#i'm in constant pain

[loraculis]

lovers to enemies my beloved 

#i'm in constant pain

[crow-with-a-pencil]

Hi @naffeclipse I'm very normal about your fic. Have some frantic midnight sketches as extra kudos along with some tag rambling :)

#my ârt #crush depth #crush depth spoilers #fnaf #tw blood #tw drowning #idk how many others apply #anyways this is midnight crow coming out of the shadow realm to scream at you #first of all a cs ramble is on the way I'm still recovering from that fic too #im biting you naff im biting you so dang hard #I don't even know much about iron lung besides watching a play through but damn do you make me want to know more #just. where do I even start. the atmosphere is established so well and even though there was such a small space to work with I FELT it #I felt the claustrophobia I felt the walls and the console and the single dim lightbulb as my only solace in this death trap #the THOUGHTS #poor yn had so much time to just get lost in their head and spiral pretty much constantly #the dread. the constant overhanging dread of knowing there's a 99% chance they're not getting out of there alive and at this point #they just want to accept it and let it end bc there's hardly anything to go back to if they live #naff. look at me. reading some parts made my chest actually tighten with dread. it was so well done. #this poor human just buried in existential horror and just wanting it to end in a slightly less painful way #and the unknowable beings trapped outside who absolutely REFUSE to let that happen #god those eldritch fish were trying their hardest but just couldn't get in #yn was trapped inside while they were trapped outside and I just #I am EXPLODING the more I think about it #thinking about when they thought they were drowning and tried to breathe again #wanting to die but still having that instinct to survive #asking to be ripped apart but still cherishing their last breath of air #I'm shaking you I'm shaking you I'm dying on the floor #ough. #I'll never mentally recover from this and I want you to know I genuinely get inspired by your writing #this has been midnight crow ramblings. I just hit the tag limit. have a lovely night.

[lucifer-is-a-bag-of-dicks]

when I took a month off work I was lowkey worried I'd come back and find everyone had been fine without me and I wasn't needed at all (because being terrible at every previous job I've had did some ✨damage✨ to my self confidence)

but that is not what happened

I have never encountered someone so fucking happy to see me as my boss' wife was on my first day back, her face lit up like it was christmas, she was practically jumping for joy because now that I'm back she doesn't have to do the ops team's fucking timesheets anymore

I have been told by one of the ops guys that my leave of absence had caused a genuine rift in the boss' marriage because his wife hated doing my job so much they were actively fighting about it

to be clear, his wife is lovely, she doesn't usually throw a shit fit about just anything, it was just that my job is just so fucking annoying that she hated every second of it, and that was the most validating shit I have ever experienced in my LIFE

and the reason she was pissed off at my boss/her husband about it is because he's too soft on his crew and doesn't make them all report their hours for the week

which, as you can imagine, makes building their timesheets extremely fucking difficult

it basically turns the whole process into a puzzle that I have to solve using roughly three different sources of information, one of which is the boss himself who isn't always easy to get ahold of when he's on a site

this puzzle is made even more difficult by the fact that a glitch in our form system keeps messing up the dates on the timecards, so I have to cross reference the time cards from the two (2) ops team members, who actually DO fill out their forms, with the roster, but my boss often changes the roster at the last minute without telling me or noting it down, so then I have to cross reference with the reports they have to submit for certain ongoing jobs because they'll have correct dates and also a list of who was present (if they were doing one off smalltime jobs that week I'll have no physical records and will rely entirely on the boss' memory to confirm dates and staff numbers, unless I can get ahold of one of the ops team members themselves and there's only one who will reliably communicate with me but only when he's not currently on a site)

I tried to explain this process to boss' wife before I left and, looking horrified, she asked me 'is there no way to streamline this?' I replied 'this is streamlined'

as far as I'm aware, as long as I've worked there, there has only been a handful of times people were paid incorrectly, and it was because I was not given correct information by the boss, in the time I was gone, his wife told me that she had incorrectly logged several pays because of this broken ass system

so, as you could imagine, my ego is through the fucking roof right now, I am GOOD at this bullshit job, I took an impossible system and made it work, I am playing on hard mode and killing it, in a field I had zero experience in before taking this job other than a natural inclination for organising and scheduling

and to be clear, I love this job, the boss is too soft on his staff but he's a good guy, he makes us all feel valued and appreciated, he paid me above my award rate, he's absurdly accommodating, and I have an insane amount of freedom to do what I want with company files

I may be working with a bullshit system but I can take naps in the office whenever I want and tell my boss off when he's being too soft (one time his wife literally started clapping when I told him off for sending clients their reports before they'd paid for them) and I get to control when I work, and whether I work from home or the office (which is GREAT when my back flares up)

I might not get many hours (only 16 hours per week) because the company is so small and I run out of things to do because I've streamlined everything (boss literally called me TOO EFFICIENT), but he'll give me those 16 even if I spend half of it playing solitaire and watching youtube

so just, yeah, it feels so good to be confident in my work, to feel valued and appreciated and like I'm actually successful at something after being handed dud jobs for years that I wasn't cut out for, and now knowing that what I'm doing is actually genuinely hard but I've been doing it anyway without fail, makes me feel good!

so tldr; taking a month off work taught me I have phenomenal job security because if my boss ever fires me his wife might actually fucking kill him

#lula's life #I have genuinely hit a point in my life I never thought I'd reach #I'm happy with my job #I'm not in constant pain #and I am living very comfortably with a friend I love dearly #I don't make a lot of money and still rely on government benefits but that's okay because I make enough to be comfortable #life is actually good I can't believe I made it

[noahmullariii]

My weirdest headcanon is that at the end of 4th year Remus bites his leg off during a transformation. It's the first moon after his mum's funeral so he's extra distressed and the wolf isn't having it. Pomfrey is terrified when she finds him all mangled and cold from blood loss, and it's the first time James, Peter and Sirius aren't allowed to see him right away. Pomfrey magically sews his leg back together, of course, but like all his werewolf injuries it doesn't heal quite right. Now Remus has to hide his newfound limp to avoid suspicion. It makes Severus question him even more than before though, especially with Professors making up new excuses for Remus' absence after that since, you know, his mum's illness can't be a reason anymore. It also makes James, Peter and Sirius work faster on their animagi master plan cuz "bloody hell he chewed off his leg!"

#it's a win-win for all subplots #not for remus tho #all my hcs for him just add to canon suffering #i'm so sorry my dude #initially wanted him to have a full-on amputation #with a prosthetic leg #then remembered they're wizards #big yikes #post-hogwarts he uses aids on occasion #when all the eyes aren't on him anymore #and more regularly with age #tho not during poa obviously #so in 1993-94 he's extra miserable #just. constant. pain #emotional and physical #again i am so sorry #remus lupin #i love him i promise #poppy pomfrey #james potter #peter pettigrew #sirius black #severus snape #the marauders #marauders #marauders era #marauders headcanon #why tf are there so many tags for those guys #smh

[thebirdandhersong]

ladies and lads I would deeply appreciate prayer for a conversation I have to have in about 4 hours……. I have prepared well for it and thinking too deeply about it makes me sick to my stomach and sick at heart, but it is a conversation that must be had and I would love to approach it with wisdom and gentleness and sincerity, and not fear and anxiety and self-absorption.

#glory be to Christ in all things...... even in this pain in the neck of a conversation the idea of which brought tears to my eyes yesterday #i KNOW everything will eventually turn out fine but i am tired of this heartsickness! and this constant dull ache! #which means i have to take my medicine. #so i'm taking my medicine. God help me

[hajihiko]

Dude that actually really cool of an idea for Nagito to be getting scratched up as a part of paranormal activity

Honestly haven’t heard of that in ages haha /pos

the body parts are all ~symbolic~

#I'm sorry Mikan you're gonna have a real rough go at it #Sorry to detract from a Nagito ask but. I feel a bit wary about talking about Mikan #But to me. TO ME. Anything body horror related in the ovary/uterus system is extra horrifying #False pregnancy. Morning sickness. Irregular or constant periods. Cramps. Hormone imbalance. God damn #Nagito gets phantom limb pain and scratching and maybe more #Fuyuhiko gets migraines and visual hallucinations and eventually... brain stuff #Mikan gets WALLOPED.

[squeakadeeks]

moodboard for this past week ❤️

#they should invent a grad school thats not fucking insane #i'm hanging in there but im the most unwell i've been in AWhile #this week was just horrible #there was already the freezer food incident but it also started off with a very severe pain episode thats putting me in constant woe #even mundane motion has been agonizing which is McAwesome bc we had a lab inspection which involved moving hundreds of pounds of equipment #during which we found a blackwidow and rats which we had to deal with and was a whole thing psychologically on top of the physical toll #the new class fiasco is still popping off and i had to respond to at this point over 400 emails in the fleeting moments outside of lab #AND A STUDENT TRIED TO FINANCIALLY BRIBE THEIR WAY INTO THE CLASS ? ?? ?? ????? #then the instructor wanted to use me as a guinea pig and i had to test new circuit boards but I wasnt given any time to do so properly #i had to test them plus get them operational and deal with my incoming students all in a frantic 10 minute window #im in charge of running our meetings too but the instructor was interrupting and having side conversations that made it really hard- #to train the other people on the new equipment in a smooth manner #which meant that a bunch of people had to keep me after to ask questions which made me late for my drs appointment #where i found out i cant get the new covid vaccine bc my heart and blood levels arnt stable enough #and joanns lost an expensive+critical fabric order of mine+i had to give a big presentation this week on my research that was stressful #and my inbox is still blowing up from being needed all over the place between teaching lab and classes and yall i am. so so tired. #im in so much pain and so stressed out #debating the ethics of turning into a pile of lint to escape my responsibilities and mortal frame

[ef-1]

girlhood

#i have to fly out to capetown to see mother and im literally debating if i could land in the morning and leave at night on the same day #like. anything longer than that is going to ruin my year. #when she called and did her “katherine. you have to be here on the 10th” i literally sobbed in my bed for the rest of the day 😍😍😍 #not dyeing my hair black for a year and its getting lighter and lighter everyday and i look like her again #and my therapist telling me “you need to do things for yourself.” but like can i? sorry that woman traumatised me and i actually cant :) #like everything i do is informed by her #I'm going to go and just like everytime the only way to keep my sanity is to mirror her. talk and sit and speak and read and eat like her #and its such a terrifying experience bc i remember that im capable of emulating her viciousness and maybe i am my mother's daugher 🤢🤢🤢 #and im going to come back and its going to take fucking months for me to feel like myself again #“oh you look so beautiful just like your mother” i hope you DIE lol !!! the fact that my conception of beauty was shaped by her #growing up with this cruel beautiful detached woman and realising that at the intersection of beauty and wickness is a lifetime of pain #and still being so desperate for her approval- for any metaphysical proximity to her that i felt elated when #people would tell me i look like her. that it meant i was also beautiful like her and maybe she'll love me a little for it #but now i know for a fact that i do look like her and it makes saliva swell under my tongue - that moment right before you throw up- #when people mention it 😍 #last time i was in capetown my optic neuritis flared up (and i know for a fact it was that it was ms-stress related from having to see her) #and i thought i hid it so well even though i had near constant headaches & lethargy until she said “katherine give me the red notebook” #and i knew that she knew all along. it was so acutely humiliating standing there and knowing she knows i cant see which one is the red one #and she tilted her head and said “whats the matter? do you not know what red looks like?” #im never going to have kids. my mother and i read eachother so well it can only mean im never too far removed from becoming her #lol!!!!!!!!!

[autism-swagger]

I HATE BEING DISABLED!!!!!!!!!!

#I hate the constant doctors appointments and tests and procedures! #I hate all the medication! #I hate using my mobility aids! #I hate being so fucking scared and paranoid when I'm alone that my parents feel like they have to invite me on their anniversary trip! #I hate being unable to reconsume specific media because they remind me of my psychotic episodes! #I hate always being late to school because getting up is so hard! #I hate constantly obsessing over whether or not I'm keeping my movements even! #I hate not knowing what not being in pain feels like! #I hate being so goddamn tired all of the time that I can barely keep my eyes open! #and I just have to make my peace with all because I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life!! #I HATE IT SO FUCKING MUCH!!!!!!!!!!

[dreamlogic]

#chronic blogging #current emotion #post-hysto pain has been getting steadily worse over the last month & is now accompanied by near constant nausea #can't even do my PT stretches anymore bc of how bad it hurts #so on monday i finally had a FUCK IT IT'S TANTRUM TIME #and checked myself into urgent care for severe abdominal pains #which finally fucking FINALLY resulted in a referral for a second opinion from a different gyno surgeon #who i hope will finally run the ultrasound & CT scan i've been begging other healthcare providers for for months #THERE IS SOMETHING EXTREMELY WRONG WITH MY BODY AND NOBODY IS LISTENING TO ME AND I'M FED UP WITH PRETENDING #THAT EVERYTHING IS WITHIN NORMAL PARAMETERS AND I JUST NEED TO BE PATIENT FOR HEALING & PRACTICE SELF CARE #watching the urgent care PA's face journey as i explained my symptoms how long i've had them & how apathetic my surgeon's response has been #was so incredibly vindicating & cathartic. she gave me a tactful 'i don't necessarily agree with that assessment......' #told me i have already been doing everything she would've recommended & we're long overdue for a second opinion since it isn't helping #and gave me her blessing to go pitch a fit in the ER if my symptoms get any worse before my appointment with the new surgeon #i'm EXHAUSTED and i'm SCARED and it's ABOUT GODDAMN TIME someone in medicine listened to me & took me seriously #been hovering in the 4-7 range on this chart for a disgusting amount of time. now i'm locked in at 8+ and not backing down

[bookwyrminspiration]

I understand why Shannon did it and how it ostracized and shaped Sophie's childhood and set up the inciting incident, but I think it's incredibly stupid that Sophie couldn't figure out how to block thoughts on her own and "needed to be taught while awake" or whatever. There was nothing about the process that necessitated another person's guidance--she wasn't really taught, she was basically just told to do it--or was counter intuitive. It's literally the most basic, expected sequence of actions to block thoughts, and Sophie absolutely could've and would've figured that out for herself. Seven years of headaches for a girl who loved fantasy/sci-fi? She would've tried everything, and she would've figured it out! Building a mental wall would be like the first thing you try! Nothing about how it works suggests that the most powerful telepath the world has ever known wouldn't think to build that mental wall between her mind and others' thoughts, and even if she couldn't figure it out immediately because she was too young or something, she would've kept trying because she had the motive (pain) to, and that effort would've been rewarded. It took her no time at all to learn in canon, it's not a difficult skill. I know why it was done, but it's stupid and unless I'm forgetting something major she totally should've been able to block thoughts on her own long before she was "taught". it's necessary to the story as it was established, but I don't like the logic used; it's thin and contradictory

#kotlc #i'm rusty on the specifics. perhaps I'm wrong #but nothing I can remember suggests that blocking needs to be actively taught by someone else #the first telepath would've had to figure it out themself #therefore it's possible to achieve without teaching #meaning sophie could do so #and it was stated that she /had/ tried to block the voices. and had failed #but I don't think the logic of the story would indicate failure #a natural excellency with the ability. several years. pain as a direct constant motivator. and the solution being incredibly #intuitive? #especially for someone exposed to significant amounts of fantasy/sci-fi literature? #she should've figured out how to block thoughts on her own

[goldkirk]

as I'm going back over my past history and items and journals and years, I come across all sorts of things, like the pencil I saved from that so-precious memory from second grade, and a pair of flip flops I've been missing for two years, and (tw for murder/crime/killings) the modern-high-school-AU-kidnapped-by-a-serial-killer story I wrote in late high school jdfsjdfsjkjlksfd

#i can't wait to find out what red flags I didn't see in my own self back when I last read this thing in 2015 hfdhfdhjsfd #also. there's gonna be like a good sentence here and there and then CRINGE. the whole rest of everything is just me still trying to copy th #breathing pace (essentially) and ways-of-describing-things of mainstream authors like I thought I was supposed to #so this'll be somewhat painful but also god what a joy and a gift and an honor and a delight to get to hold this close to my heart #and witness it with understanding and empathy and slow reflection and care like my past younger self deserves #i'm so lucky i'm alive to be here and do this #i'm so grateful i'm headed towards welcoming back and embracing the last little girl i was that still felt a lot of things #so excited for her focus and precision and tenacity and constant curious joy and movement to be back someday #i'm afraid people won't like the me i was before rule after rule and then dangers #but my god it'll feel so good to be the fully-flowing energy machine and dance and conduit again how will I have enough bother to care? #people who are good to each others' nervous systems cumulatively feel better and better #if i'm not good for you and yours then you really truly SHOULD go elsewhere and find someone who makes YOUR self feel right and light + war #anyway now that i wrote an essay in the tags as usual [nervous laughter] #personal #add to journal #words n rhythm #WHY DID I FEEL CAPABLE OF UNDERTAKING A STORY LIKE THIS #cradling my past self gently but also BANGING my HEAD against the WALL lmao #i'm proud of myself for writing and sharing this and its creative ideas. even if i don't like it now or feel ashamed or see mistakes. #anything. it mattered that it came to me and it mattered that i explored it and it mattered that i poured myself through it to help shape i #and it mattered that I left it on the internet so that now it still exists. i'm going to honor this story no matter what current me would #objectively think about it if it was written by anyone else. #this is a gift i give myself now. #this is a lot of what I learn and learn to do #trauma evolution #mosswrites

[crabussy]

I love you education system!!! come here so I can give you a biiiig kiss WITH MY RAZOR SHARP TEETH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH GNASH

#did homework for 15 hours today /srs #because my teachers are incapable of setting a normal amount of work #over the weekend #long weekend? no worries!!! just set twice as much work!!!! #robin shut up challenge #I'm really upset and beat up everything hurts #my eyes my back my neck my joints #god. my brain #cried a lot #autismcore #I have at least 4 headaches right now #this is not normal!!!!!! I am 16!!!!!!!!!!!!! #you as a teacher should not be setting enough work to make a 16 year old break down and be in constant pain for 15 hours!!!!! #anyway. ok to reblog #vent tw #caps #ignore the tags and reblog /g please. spread hate for education system

[icewindandboringhorror]

........creachure

#cats #his eyes are always so big and weird he no longer looks like a cat anymore sometimes.. in a way... #it's hard to understand.. complicated vibes on this boy #his summer sprawl (laying flopped out on the floor weird because of the heat) #I AM still trying to get some costumes done and also post another poll advtnure so I can finally finish it lol #the weather this month has just been soooo.... There was the heat wave and then after like 2 days of coolenss where I was like 'ah! finally #I can be productiv!' but just as soon as I had recovered from the heat.. it got hot again ghhhh #currently sweating inside. I actually had to leave my doctors appointment early today because I was just so so warm from #sitting in the car and the fac tthat half the buildings still do not have their air up very high and etc. and I felt so nausous #and flushed and started to get back and stomach pains for some reason.. Which I guess is good in a way to further confirm to doctors that #I Have Something Wrong With Me lol (most normal people should not be this heat sensitive I think) but is also still a little stinky #because I still payed a copay for the fulla appointment time but cit it short by leaving 15minues early.. grrr #ANYWAY. It seems like recently it's just hot all the time but it will ocasionally tempt you with a cool day of reprieve BUT don't let your #guard down! because as soon as you start to think 'hey things are getting better! :0' the sun will be like NO actualy. scalding temperature #be upon ye.. #Which of COURSE. I would rather have hot weather with little breaks in between than just constant hot weather. 100% definitely. #but it just always makes me sad because I get my hopes up lol.. JUST as I've recovered from the past heat and am So Ready To Start #On All My Things now That I'm Not As Sick And Hey Maybe It's Even Cool Enough To Do A Costume! .. my hopes are dashed #.. woe and so on and so forth. . Which I am stil managing to get a few things done but just.. not the things I really WANT to do (costumes. #sculptures. edit videos. etc. ). #anyway.. look at son.. If nothing else I still have lots of cat photos.. my sole productivity offerings to the internet online world

[cuntwrap--supreme]

I got some compression socks from the pharmacy that the guy working there swore worked really well for his plantar fasciitis and had an epiphany

This fucking twink has bad feet

#fma #fullmetal alchemist #fma envy #envy #plantar fasciitis #girl help i can barely walk and have had constant foot pain for weeks now #if these goofy ass braces don't work I'm gonna have to go see an actual doctor. and i can't afford that shit!

[pawsitivevibe]

Ah yes my doctor's (wait no nurse practitioner because I can't even get a doctor apparently) response to my frequent headaches, extreme exhaustion, numbness in hands and feet, therapist's suggestion that I get tested for iron deficiency, concerns about long-term memory/focus/concentration issues and questions about ADHD assessment was ... "Lose some weight, maybe you'll feel better."

🥲

#She begrudgingly sent me for some bloodwork and gave me some forms to fill out about ADHD but she will not follow up on anything for a month #Cool #She also said there was a program at the clinic with a dietician but then proceeded to not give me the information or referral for it #So like if weight loss is apparently your biggest concern why won't you give me the info for this program??? #Personally I think overweight people can have other health issues that 'lose some weight' doesn't fix!! #And also that it's usually all tied together in that you can't lose weight unless you start treating certain things that are stopping you #I'm sorry I can't stay on top of rigorous exercise because of my unmanaged severe chronic pain?? That you only recently FINALLY did #anything about but now I still have to wait another 2 months to see the specialist. Even though I had been saying for YEARS that the pain #was a constant serious problem